In The End
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: AU: Alex is a successful, wealthy but unhappy businessman living in rural Iowa. Jo is shy and quiet but working hard to put herself through medical school. When tragedy strikes, the two are forced to spend time together with nobody else but each other to lean on. When the two are brought together, they find out that love comes when you're least expecting it.
1. First Things First

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the general plot of the story. I do not own the characters in the story. I do not claim to own anything but the plot and the idea of the story.

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I wrap my hands around the perimeter of the smooth cardboard box and use my muscles to pull on it, unwittingly provoking a gust of thick, dry dust to blow off the shelf and into my face. I brace the box with one of my arms and use my unoccupied hand to cover my mouth. Harshly, I cough into my hand to free my throat of the dust that unwittingly went down my throat. It wouldn't kill someone to clean this place up every once in a while. There's no way the layer of dust on this shelf should be thicker than a blanket, that's for sure. I clear my throat once more and resume taking the dusty box down from the shelf. Since it's not heavy, I brace it against my hip as I carefully climb down off the ladder. My first week of work, while I was doing inventory, I actually fell down off the ladder. Thankfully, Jimmy's is a small store that doesn't get much business during the morning shifts, so nobody was in the store to watch me crack my butt open like that; but the internal embarrassment was enough. I remember when I fell like it was yesterday. I was just checking to see if we needed more bolts and I was getting down when I found that we were all readily stocked up. I missed a plank on the ladder and fell down flat on my back. I laid there for a couple minutes because seriously, I thought I had broken my tailbone. But I got up and I was okay. It only hurt when I sat down to go pee later that day. With the memory of me falling tucked away deep in my conscious thoughts, I grip the railing of the ladder as I climb down and make my way onto the floor. With the box still against my hip, I take it to the front desk and pull the flaps open.

When I open the box, I catch a whiff of the musty smell of the store. It took me about a month of working here to get used to the smell. It smells like a dirty old basement complete with mildew in here, but I guess when you put a bunch of hardware in one small, cramped up little space, the smell of mildew and basement is what you're going to get. The smell used to give me bad headaches when I came in for my shifts but since I got used to it, I don't really get the headaches anymore. Sometimes when the owner is nice enough to give me two days off in a row, I'll get a headache when I come in after being off that long. But that doesn't happen much because the owner's a butthole and he'd rather work me like a slave than give me more than one day off in a three week span. I only get days off in a row when the store's closed and again, that's not often. I pull three packages of padlocks from the box and gather them in one of my hands. Obnoxiously chewing on the piece of gum I've been chomping on for three hours since my shift started, I saunter towards the back of the store to put the locks on the rack where they belong. He should really hire someone to do inventories.

Speaking of the owner, he'd probably kill me if he knew that I inventory throughout my shift. I'm really supposed to do inventory when I clock in, but I fudge a little on that. If I do inventory when I first come in then I have nothing else to do for the rest of my day and I'm just sitting there at the register bored and hoping someone comes in and asks me where the nuts and bolts are. At least when I inventory throughout my shift, there's always something to keep me busy. But if I ever really get caught doing inventory throughout my shift the way I do, I'd probably be fired. The owner's just weird like that. I've been working here for six months and I've only seen him twice—when I worked until closing. I almost always work from 8:00 in the morning until 3:30 in the afternoon, and then Matt comes in and works from 3:30 to 9:00, when we close. But Matt was in the hospital for a couple days a few months ago and I had to work 8:00 to 9:00 since the owner's too cheap to hire anyone else but me and Matt. Anyway, I've only seen the owner twice and he seems like a real case. I used to think he was just a pompous but strange character, so I asked Matt about him, since he's been working here for years and I've only been here for months.

Apparently the owner of the store is actually rather wealthy. He's an author—he writes science-fiction, romance books…so I've heard. When Matt told me that, I thought for sure he was bluffing. I've never heard of such a thing as science-fiction, romance novels. The two genres just don't really go together. I can't imagine reading a book about someone falling in love with the alien next door, but obviously somebody likes it if the man is a millionaire or whatever. I've never actually read any of his books, mostly because I don't have the time to read anything. The other reason is because I wouldn't even know what to pick up in the library because I don't know his name. I'm not afraid of many people in this world, but I'd be a stone-cold liar if I said the owner of the store I work in doesn't intimidate me. Because he intimidates me, I've never been able to work up the nerve to ask him what his pseudonym is. I don't think he publishes his books under his real name but even if he did, I don't even know his real name either. Regardless, he's a pretty wealthy novelist and he lives on the rich side of Sioux City, over on Kemper Street. I can't for the life of me figure out why he'd feel the need to own a hardware store if he makes all that money off his books. But I guess one positive trait about him is that he pays well. $10.75 an hour might not seem like a lot, and I guess in some instances, it's really not. But it beats the hell out of the $8.25 an hour job I used to work while I was in college. The job at Jimmy's pays my bills, I guess.

When I get back to my spot at the register, I close the box I got the padlocks out of back up and slide it underneath my register. I'll put it away later. I'm really starting to wish I called off sick. I'm not sick or anything I just really don't feel like being at work today. I swear I'm not lazy. I swear to it. I just really didn't want to come in today—for various reasons. I hardly ever call off though. I just don't like to because I know that it's only me and Matt that work here and if I call off, Matt will have to cover my shift plus work his and I know how bad that sucks. I'm not really friends with Matt or anything but I don't think it's too much to be a decent person. Decent enough to care that if I call off, he's put in a bad position. Besides, even if I wasn't a decent person like that, it'd still be a little bit awkward for me to call off when I live right above the store. It really wasn't my intention to move into the apartment right above my job, nor was it my intention to make my boss my landlord, but it happened that way.

I know it's weird that I don't know my boss or my landlord's name, but whatever. I don't really associate with him that much. Aside from me and Matt, there is a manager that pops in every once in a while named Buck. Buck takes care of everything in the store so the owner doesn't have to. All he does is own the place, get it? He owns the building and it's basically like he tries to spend as little time here as he possibly can. I pay him my rent every month. I send the money in the mail and it's always addressed without a name and that's that. We don't interact, I don't know his name and he's kind of mysterious but I guess he likes it that way. My point is that it's kind of hard to call off sick or say you don't have transportation or whatever excuse to get out of coming to work when you live in the apartment above the building. It was convenient for me for a while there but now it's just annoying because if the owner really acted like he gave a crap about the store, he'd know that I'm full of hot air when I say that I can't make it to work today. I live right above the freaking building for Christ's sake.

Sighing out of boredom, I sit down on the stool behind the register and lean against the counter, just waiting for a customer. Sometimes I wonder how this store stays open. I mean, we hardly get any business and everything in here is overpriced anyway. How the heck can the owner afford to keep this store afloat when we hardly make a hundred bucks a day? I'm not really complaining because it's easy work when we don't have any customers but still, I just wonder. The only hard work about this place is having to lift all the heavy boxes and appliances that get shipped in from the delivery truck from time to time. Other than that, I basically get paid for sitting on my butt and drawing on blank receipt paper all day. I used to work in this restaurant back on my college campus called Slater's. I bussed some tables and made pretty good money to pay back some of my student loans. But Slater's was getting kind of slow so when I turned 21, I applied for a job at Hooters. I worked there for two years and let me just say, for the record, that working at Hooters isn't as bad or as gross as everyone makes it out to be. Seriously, I was just a waitress and sometimes I bartended. It wasn't like I was a professional slut or anything of that nature because I swear, I have self-worth and decency.

I admit that their employee requirements to be a Hooters girl were a little bit screwy and straightforward but that was just something I had to do for money, okay? They basically just told me that I had to look good in the uniform and I had to be pretty. The guy that did my interview said I had the look and he gave me a uniform to try on to make sure I looked good in the uniform. I tried it on, he said I was perfect and I got the job. That's all. I didn't have to take my clothes off, I didn't have to strip, I didn't have to be a porn star of any sort. The only thing I needed was a good push up bra and that was it, so all those misconceptions about girls that work at Hooters being big whores and such are totally wrong. I guess the only thing that could be considered as softcore prostitution is the fact that guys tip you if you're pretty. I guess I'm pretty because I used to rack up between $300-$350 in tips every night, I kid you not.

I pick up a pen from the cup full of them next to the register and rip off a decent-sized piece of receipt paper. I draw a line to make it into a tree and swing my feet since they don't touch the ground. I'm not very tall, by the way. I'm actually rather petite. I'm about five foot, six inches tall and the last time I weighed myself, I was like 130 pounds or something like that. I start drawing leaves on my tree and just when I start to give it roots, the bell rings to let me know that somebody's coming into the store. _Yay, human contact! _I smile to myself as my thoughts are loud. I put my pen down and look up. Usually I greet the customers and tell them "Welcome to Jimmy's!" when they come through the door but this guy looks like he's on a mission so I won't bug him. The more I look at him, the more I realize that I know him. He's one of our regulars. He does construction work down the street from here. He's big and muscular with a white, sweat-stained t-shirt and a pair of paint infested blue jeans. His name's Johnny and he's in here at least twice a week. He walks in the aisle down past the wooden boards and I resume drawing.

"Big man's got you working the slave shift again, eh?" Johnny puts a pack of screws on the counter in front of me and I put my pen back down so I can ring him up. I grab the scanning wand and run it over the barcode. "You ever get a break around here, kid?" I don't think he knows my name. I guess he wouldn't really know it since I don't wear my nametag anymore but still, if he paid like a speck of attention I think he'd know it. My name prints out on the top of the receipts after they print out, so if he paid attention to his receipts, he'd know my name. Instead, he usually just calls me "kid."

"Nope." I pick up his box of screws and put them in a small bag, waiting for his receipt. "My whole day's a break, sitting in this dried up place." I hand the bag over to him and wait for him to slip me the money. He's looking through his wallet for his card, I assume. He always pays with his card. "Boss doesn't believe in breaks." I watch as he slides his card through the outdated machine and as per usual, the machine is malfunctioning. I slap the side of it because that's usually how I get it to work. "…He has enough money; you think he'd pay to replace these cruddy machines." It works now and Johnny punches in his ID number for his card.

"Some people are just misers." He winks at me. Back when I first started working here, Johnny used to hit on me all the time. He used to joke and say he wanted to take me out to dinner and stuff and he was sweet for that. But he used to tell me that I had no business working here, that I should be on the covers of magazines and stuff. His wife came in with him one day and ever since then, he stopped flirting with me. I'm way too nice of a person to just come right out and reject someone like that, but I would never give him the time of day. He's nice and all, but he's not my type. I admit that I have a thing for older men. I really like men that are older than me by a few years. I'm 23. I'm young enough by myself alone; I don't need a man that's younger than me. I like older guys. But Johnny is just a little bit too old and I'm not really into him. He's not really my type. "Take care, kid. See you around." He mumbles, taking his receipt from my outstretched hand. I fashion a slight, subtle nod at him as my silent goodbye and pick my pen back up to continue entertaining myself.

It's actually kind of crazy just how many men a day hit on me when they come in here. I was never really all that pretty back in high school and grade school. I was kind of awkward with long, unruly, dark brown hair. It took me until about sixth grade to grow completely out of my chubby stage and up until then, I was so round and plump. When I finally started my period when I was eleven, I had a pretty dramatic growth spurt. I just got a few inches taller so my baby fat was distributed more evenly and I wasn't so chubby anymore. And then once I got to high school, I had another growth spurt where my boobs decided to shoot up an entire cup size and I got curves. I'm actually kind of skinny these days but I'm just saying that being hit on is actually a nice change because back then, nobody ever even looked twice at me. I guess I'm not completely hideous. My hair is still very much brown and when I take care of it properly, it's actually sort of pretty. It falls just past my bra-line in the middle of my back and I put highlights in it a few months ago. Like I said, I'm rather thin but if I wear a fitted t-shirt, my curves are still very defined. I've been told that my butt is pretty big for me being so skinny so I guess I have a nice butt. My chest could stand to be a little bigger but I'm not flat-chested. So yeah, I guess I'm not totally hideous. I was pretty enough to book a job at Hooters, if that counts for anything.

I guess when I left my job at Hooters back in New Jersey to come work in a hardware store here in Iowa, I was expecting the stares, compliments and date offers to cease. I mean at Hooters, that's practically in the job description. If you work at Hooters, you can basically count on being asked out by a couple men and I was no exception. But going from a job like Hooters to a job at a hardware store, I thought it'd be different. I guess not because just like Hooters, here at Jimmy's, the majority of our customers are men. I've turned down more guys than I can count within the last few years of my life. I didn't turn them down because I'm superficial or anything of that nature, I'm just really not interested in dating anyone at the moment. I haven't been interested in dating since my last failed relationship, back when I was a junior in college. Me and relationships don't really work out too well I guess. Every time I'm in a relationship, the guy gets all possessive and obsessed or they want more out of the relationship than I'm willing to give, or they want to talk about getting married or they want me to transfer schools with them. I won't go as far as saying that I have commitment issues, but I don't know…maybe I have some commitment issues.

I'm just not looking for something too serious right now, get it? I just turned 23 years old last month and I'm fresh out of college. I'm still young. I think it's way too early to be thinking about where I want to be in a few years. I mean sure I want to get married to someone someday and have a kid or two but I don't want to do that until I'm able to support myself. I don't think that's too much to ask for. So I'm not really focused on dating or being in a relationship right now, I'm focused on the fact that I want to go to medical school next year. I finished college at Princeton University back in New Jersey and I'm currently sitting on a biochemistry degree. There's not much I can do with a simple bachelor's degree in biochemistry and I know that, which is why I'm trying to go to medical school eventually. I already applied for a spot at Harvard Medical School and I got accepted into the program but the thing is… they want $4,500 down to secure my spot in the program. I don't have that kind of money to just hand over to them so here I am, working my butt off at a hardware store. I can't really explain why I didn't just move to Massachusetts so I could be closer to Harvard, but what I do know is that when I think of a safe, homely place…the first place I thought of was Iowa.

Not Des Moines where I was sort of raised, but here in Sioux City instead. I just don't think I have it in me to go back to Des Moines. Funny that way, isn't it? How when I can't afford to make it on my own, the first place I think to go is back home to Iowa, but not my true home. I'm not a pitiful charity case; I was just a foster child until I was ten. I got kicked out of more places than I stayed in until I got placed with the Wilsons. They were the only people that were ever decent to me. Karen and Bill, they were. They were both rather old; Karen was 78 when I got adopted and Bill was 81. Anyway, I got placed with them when I was just about to turn eleven and I was their foster child until I was fourteen, that's when they decided to adopt me. I had a really nice life with Karen and Bill. They weren't real wealthy and I wasn't spoiled or anything. I had everything I needed and they were really, really good people. I actually felt comfortable calling them "mom" and "dad" and in a sense, they were my mom and dad. They were over the moon when I got into Princeton; threw me a real big high school graduation party and everything. Halfway through my freshman year of college, Karen called and let me know that Bill had passed. Nothing he could've done to prevent it, he was just old. I don't really think Karen ever recovered from losing Bill like that and within the first month of my sophomore year of college, she went too. I have so many fond memories of being their daughter but I just can't bring myself to go back to Des Moines. So even though I recognize Iowa as the one place I've ever felt truly at home, I just can't find the strength to go back to Des Moines…so I'm here, two hours away in Sioux City instead.

I turn my pen on its side so I only use a little bit of the ballpoint to do the shading on my tree while my foot innocuously taps against the floor in tune to the song that's playing overhead on the speakers. I spend so much time here that I can tell you the exact order of every song that plays and I can even sing them for you if you'd like. It's the same playlist on endless loop and I think it's disgusting that I know every song that comes on, every hour on the hour. No one should spend that much time at their job. I wouldn't even mind if the songs that played weren't so cheesy and generic. I just wish they were good songs, none of that cheesy department store stuff. I mean seriously, I haven't listened to Matchbox 20 since the sixth grade. It's 2015, can we at least get some updated material? _That would probably require my cheapskate of a boss to update his equipment, which means that would cost him some money. _I roll my eyes to the back of my head at the sound of my own thoughts and just keep shading in the bark of my poorly drawn tree. I'm actually kind of artistic but I don't have much free reign on four inches worth of blank receipt paper.

I start drawing a sunset behind my tree and singing along to the song that's playing over the speakers in my head when the sound of the bells from the door opening interrupts my quiet, sereneness. Instinctively, my head raises up to see who's coming through the door and while I'm surprised at who I see, I'm not at all excited. I usually get excited to have any kind of human contact with people whenever we're slow in business, but I could really do without _his_ human contact. I keep my head down and pretend to be extremely busy and interested in my drawing, but I do look at him from the corner of my eye. He's so strange; he somewhat scares me. He's wearing a dark brown, long sleeved sweater and saggy dark blue jeans. He has on matching dark brown businesslike shoes and he doesn't even look hot. It's mid-June and about 80 degrees outside today. Why the heck is he dressed like he's expecting a snowstorm? Mindlessly, I shake my head and actually return my attention to the picture I'm still currently drawing. When I start to shade in the clouds behind my sunset, I hear a loud clanking noise which ultimately draws my attention again.

He's moving cans of paint around on the shelves and not even attempting to be quiet about it. My eyebrows involuntarily wrinkle at his inherent rudeness and I just glare at him. I've gotten a few good looks at him before but nothing really worth remembering. He doesn't look like he's very old; in fact, he looks like he's actually quite young. He has short, dark brown hair with swooped up waves all through the lengths of it. His face is stubbly like he hasn't shaved in a while but his facial hair is neatly groomed into a chin-strap like formation. His body is pretty ripped, which is a shock to me. The two times I've laid eyes on him, he didn't appear this stocky. Maybe it's because his sweater is tightly clinging to his top half…or maybe it's because he's holding paint cans in his hands, which is making his muscles flex this time around. I click my pen to put the ballpoint away and rip up my drawing. I toss it in the trashcan below the register and think of something I can do to make myself seem like a good employee. After all, I do work for the man.

I roll the sleeves up on my shirt and turn around to the supply shelf behind the register. I know I just went off on a tirade about him wearing long sleeves when the weather is hot today when I, myself am wearing long sleeves but there's a reason. Despite the fact that he's a mysterious, pompous human being, he is polite enough to equip the place with air conditioning during the summer months. My usual uniform is a dark blue t-shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans with a jacket to brave the coldness in the store but today, I put a light blue long-sleeved shirt underneath my dark blue shirt because I didn't feel like toting around a jacket all day. The shirts are just plain and blue but whatever, I admit that even though they're not very soft, they're much better than the skimpy Hooters uniform I used to wear. There was no negotiation about my Hooters uniform either. It was a tank top with the cleavage cut out and exposed and a pair of orange, skin-tight shorts complete with knee-high socks, for when I was a waitress. When I was working behind the bar as the bartender, it was the same tank top but instead of orange shorts, I wore a black mini-skirt. The uniform was comfortable but it was a real hassle to have to change in the bathroom during the winter months because I refused to wear it outdoors when it was snowing.

I grab a box of screwdrivers off the supply shelf and start counting how many are in there. He'll yell at me if I don't look busy. He doesn't like for us to have any free time or he doesn't like it when we look bored. If he happens to walk in while we're not doing anything, he'll make us go block. Blocking is when you take the old products and move them to the front and make sure all the labels are facing outwards on everything. It's so boring but really, he'll make us do that. Or he'll make us go around the store and dust because apparently, hardware gets really dusty and customers don't like dusty hardware. I grab a couple handfuls of the screwdrivers, put my "closed" sign up on the counter and walk back towards where we keep the screwdrivers so I can restock them. I won't lie; I wouldn't be doing any of this if he wasn't standing right there. I can't decide if it's rude that he doesn't even acknowledge his workers or if I like the fact that he doesn't try to talk to me. I don't think he ever spoke a single word to me. He didn't even do my job interview; Buck did. Is that rude? I don't know if I like the fact that he doesn't say anything to me though.

"You can't just walk away from the register." His voice is rough, gravelly like he swallowed a mouthful of rock salt. The tone of his voice is condescending, as if he feels the need to let me know that he's above me and I'm below him as his worker. "You're the only person working and you just walked away from the register? This is why I tell you to do inventory before you open up for the day. You can't inventory while you're working and leave the register unattended."

First of all, I put my closed sign up. Second of all, it's not like I walked out the store. I'm right in the back for crying out loud. Third of all, I'm _always _the only person working because you're too cheap to hire more than two people. And fourthly, it's not like anybody wants to rob this store anyway. There's not even five bucks in the register so if they did have the guts to come in here and rob the place, it's not like they'd get away with more than that and maybe a box of screws. "I put my closed sign up." I retaliate, innocently defending myself in the best way I can. "And I wasn't really inventorying, I was just…" My voice trails off as my eyes meet his. I'm far from stupid and I can always tell when people are listening to me, when they're ignoring me, when they're happy with me or when they're displeased. I can tell by the blank, lifeless look on his face that he couldn't care less about what I'm saying to him right now. So I just save my breath and shut my mouth. "Sorry." I whisper and busily make my way back to my register. I take the sign down and put it back behind the bottle of water we keep to wet the bags when they stick together. I'm not usually this obedient little puppy dog that seeks everyone's approval the way I just did with him, but he's my boss and I'm desperate for this job. Besides, I'm usually pretty soft-spoken anyway.

I'm not, nor have I ever been a confrontational person. I don't like to argue, I don't like to fight and as much as I hate it about myself, I'm a people-pleaser. I really want everyone to like me, generally. In high school, I got voted "Biggest Sweetheart" and "Best to Take Home to Mom." I'm not a hard person to get along with and I swear I'm not mean or rude. I have manners and I'm ladylike. But one flaw about myself is definitely my temper. I don't like to fight or anything like that but it really doesn't take much to set me off. I've always been a bit of a hothead though. I have such a bad temper and I really try to keep it under control but sometimes it gets the best of me and it gets me in trouble. But throughout the years, I've learned how to bite my tongue and control myself when someone irritates me. So instead of flying off at the mouth like I want to with him, I just lean against the counter of the register and resume waiting for a customer.

He's checking the tags on the paint cans like it's a really important job. His back is turned to me but if he started talking, I'd still be able to hear him. Of course, he has more to say to me; more belittling to do. "I know you're the one that does inventory throughout the day, and that's why the shelves are always understocked." Again, his tone is accusatory. Specifically because his back is turned, I roll my eyes at him and shake my head. Six months of me working here and this is the most he's ever said to me before. He yells at Matt all the time but he's never once yelled at me. I'm beginning to wish I had knocked on wood. "I hired you to do this job and if you can't do it right, I don't have a problem getting rid of you. You're replaceable."

Again, I roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut. Call me a surrealist or an optimist, whatever. But I refuse to believe he's that coldhearted. Nobody's this mean to people, right? Something must've happened to make him so pompous, arrogant and insensitive. People aren't just naturally so derogatory the way he is. I'm not saying that I think the world is all lollipops, butterflies and rainbows. I'm not saying that at all. In fact, I know it's not. I've had my fair share of crappy things to deal with and I know that there are so many evils out there in this world. But for me, I believe that there is much more good in this world than there is bad. I believe that everyone has some good in them—even serial killers. There's good in everyone. But still, me believing that there is a little bit of decency inside this human being, doesn't make him any easier to deal with. I wish he'd leave me alone like he's done for the last six months of me working here.

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**A/N:** So by now, I'm sure that you guys know how I run my stories. You know that I like to spend a few chapters establishing the setting and building up what I want the characters to be like and all that. So this whole chapter was of course, explaining what life's been like in Jo's shoes. Next chapter will explain all about Alex and how his life has been. As you can see, there are some differences between here and what happens in the show. So to clear things up, this story is **COMPLETELY AU. **Nothing will be totally the same as what it is in the show. It's totally and completely Alternate Universe.

I just had this idea for this story and it's really unlike anything I've ever seen done in the Jolex stories. I've never heard of, nor have I ever done anything like this story before. With all that being said, I hope you guys aren't disappointed in what I've come up with. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by this story...if you like things that are very different.

So yeah, I hope you guys like this! :)


	2. One Day

"Make sure you turn off the air…you forgot to last night. I came in and opened up this morning and the whole place was an igloo." I rummage through my pants pockets for the keys that I can't find. I'm always losing the keys to this place anymore. I'm not usually this absentminded I just don't really care about this place anymore. I pat the breast pockets of my jacket in hopes of locating them. I pull the single black keychain from my left breast pocket and hand them across the counter to the guy that works the night shifts here. I don't know his name nor do I know the name of the skinny little thing that works the morning shifts either. If I don't care about this store, what makes you think I care enough to learn the names of the people that work here? I know Buck and that's it. The only reason I know Buck is because he worked here back when my pop owned the place. He used to watch me while I played out front on the sidewalk with sidewalk chalk. Pop worked pretty long hours and when I wasn't in school; I didn't have a choice but to spend time in the shop with him. It got boring in here so I used to play outside every chance I got. "Lock up and leave the keys above the sign outside." I specify. The goofy looking kid nods his head and looks at me like I'm God in his eyes. I don't think he's used to me being here and I guess I can understand that. I don't usually spend time in the store like this. Buck's wife's sick so he couldn't come in today so I have to do the nightly duties, like stocking, counting the money for the night and making sure the distributors know what orders we have.

Sometimes when I don't feel like being here or taking care of this place, I think about just letting it go out of business. All I have to do is stop ordering supplies and let everything sell out to the point where I have nothing left and the place is liquidated. The store is older than I am and the building is practically falling apart. I could give a damn about the place but it's my dad's, you know? It's my dad's and he put a lot of hard work into getting this place off the ground. Out back, he used to fix up cars around the city and for a while there, business was really booming. He made enough selling tools and fixing cars to support me and him and pay all the bills at the house. This place was his pride and joy at some point and something within my conscience prevents me from letting it close down. Pop got the idea that I didn't want to work at the store for the rest of my life and he was okay with that; really he was. He even gave me permission to close the doors for good when the place got too much for me to handle. I just can't bring myself to actually let the damn place go though. I realize that it's on the verge though. I only have two workers and I hardly make a hundred bucks a week in sales...this place is on the verge of going. I can afford more than two workers because honestly, business here is so slow that I pay the workers out of my own pocket. It's not that I can't afford to hire more people I just don't feel like we need more than two workers. As goofy as the boy that works here is, he's a hard worker nonetheless. And the girl…I don't know much about her yet but she seems like she's a decent worker too. She lives in the apartment above the store so she rents off of me. She's never late on her payments so if that's any indication of her character, I'd say she's reliable.

I push the front door of the store open and grab my car keys from my back pocket. I push the button on the remote to unlock the doors of my black and silver BMW M3. I walk around the front of the car so I can get in the driver's seat and open up the door. It's not even dark outside yet and I want to go home and go to bed for the night. Even though I'm ready for bed, I probably won't actually go to sleep until way later. I'm going home, ordering out something for dinner like I always do, taking a shower, eating and then I'll probably sit on my computer for a while to draft something up and then I'll end up heading off to bed. A lot of people have misconceptions about being self-employed. Most people think it's a luxury that I essentially work for myself under my own conditions, under my own rules. But it's really not all it's cracked up to be. I spend about 15 hours a day brainstorming and writing and coming up with ideas. It's really not all that luxurious. Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't give up writing for all the marbles in the world. I love my job and I love what I do and yeah, it more than pays my bills. I'm just saying that it's not all that great to work for myself.

I start my car and put the gear in drive. Sometimes though, I wish I had gone a different route. I'm not sure what I'd rather be doing, but I don't think I'd mind actually getting up to work a 9 to 5 job every day. It'd beat the hell out of sitting home in front of a computer all day and who knows, maybe if I had a real job, I'd make some friends to actually keep me company. I knew from a really young age that writing is what I wanted to do. I had the most overactive imagination as a kid. I was always making up stories in my head and planning things out of how things were supposed to go. Embarrassing as it is to say it, I would lie in bed at night and create little movies in my head to go along with my stories. I took a creative writing class in high school and fell completely in love. I mean, I always knew I had the capability to create something vivid from my imagination; but as a high school freshman, when I put my thoughts down onto paper into words for the first time, it was like the floodgates in my mind opened. I would stay up until ungodly hours of the night, filling up notebooks with my ideas. It only felt natural to go to college for something I was so passionate about. I'm not a pansy, either. I went to Iowa State on a wrestling scholarship and I played a little football in high school and college. I'm not a sissy. I just really like creating things in my mind that other people can't. It's like…when my life is so boring and everything is crumbling into bits and pieces around me, I can open up my MacBook computer and completely escape into a world where everything is perfect in my eyes.

Writing is the only thing I've ever felt 100% certain about in my life. I have a degree in American English and a certificate in Creative Writing. I did my four years in college and I really do think that actually majoring in something related to writing has really made me a better author. But sometimes I really do wish that I had gone for something business related or even law related. I haven't gotten bored with writing yet but I just fear that someday I might. And then when I get bored with it, I'm stuck with a degree in something I ended up hating. Realistically, I didn't have to go to college to become what I am. I could've kept all the money I spent on college because I really didn't need a degree. My editors correct the grammatical errors I make and my publishers take care of all my continuity errors. It's not like I wasted all that money though because college was some of the best years of my life and it's not exactly like I'm paying my loans back. I was able to pay all my student loans off after my first book got published; I made about a $150,000 total from all the sales of my first book. I'm ten books in and my most recently published one made me about $500,000 worldwide.

I cruise my car to a slow speed as I pull into my driveway. Most people would probably wonder why I'm living my life here in Sioux City, Iowa if I'm a millionaire and I guess when I think about it, they'd be justified in wondering that. Because when you step back and look, it's not like I live in an obscenely big mansion. I live in a one bedroom townhouse, I have one nice car, I have nice furniture, no wife and no kids. To the naked eye, I probably just look like your average Joe and I like it that way. I just don't see the point in flaunting the fact that I have all this money. I'm far from broke and I live very, very, VERY comfortably. But I grew up here in Sioux City and just because I'm for lack of better word, "rich", doesn't mean that I have to live like I am. I was raised by a single dad and I know for a fact that money isn't everything. My pop and I didn't live wealthy while I was growing up and I wasn't raised to blow off all my money. I park my car in my garage and shut off the engine.

I won't give myself too much credit though, because I did fly to California a few years back for a vacation. I fell in love with the weather, the atmosphere, the entire essence of California, I just fell in love with. And I bought a beach house out there in Long Beach for whenever I just need to get away from Iowa. I always pictured myself moving out there someday when it was right for me to leave Iowa. Pop's been dead for two years now and I still don't think it's the right time to leave, so maybe, I'll never find the right time to get out of this small town. If I haven't found the right time yet, will I ever? I thought about moving out there after I bought my beach house about four years ago. Pop's test results came back positive for prostate cancer and the chemo took a lot out of him, so I postponed the move. He got better and I thought about moving once again but he needed someone to look after the store. Year after year, I just kept finding reason after reason to stay in Iowa. Pop's not holding me back anymore and I just still can't find the right reason to get out of this place. I think the biggest reason I won't move is because all of this is bound to change if I do.

Another misconception one might have about me being such a well-known, published author is that I'm famous. I'm not famous and I don't intend to ever be. Sure I have millions—if not billions—of fans all over the world. People buy hardback copies, download them on kindles, listen to them on audiobooks, all that. I have many fans and I get e-mails all the time asking me to do book-signings and meet-and-greets. I just don't want all that. I just want to write something that people will enjoy and move on with my life. I don't even publish under my name to prevent all that. I like my quiet little life in Iowa and while I wouldn't mind moving, I do enjoy just being a normal guy. I put my jacket down on the chair of my kitchen when I walk through my back door and kick my shoes off next to the trashcan. I put my car keys on the counter and go immediately to the refrigerator. I grab a can of Dr. Pepper from the case on the bottom shelf and crack it open. The more I think about it, the more I think I might skip writing for the night. With Buck being out, I have to go open the store tomorrow morning around 7:30 which means I have to be up early. It's not like I'll get too far behind if I don't write at all tonight. I'm still just in the research stage of my next book.

Usually, I write science-fiction/romance novels. Let me clear one thing up: The gist of my stories is not some alien dude falling in love with the girl next door. That's not it. They're usually about time traveling. For example, my most successful novel to date was about a girl that was born to a mother out of wedlock as a child of rape, back in 1876. Back then, it was really frowned upon to have a baby out of wedlock and the townspeople didn't care that she was born out of rape. So the local witches of the town put a curse on the baby, which entitled that she lived forever, never able to die. The girl was never able to die but the catch was that she wasn't ever able to love either. Any man that she ever fell in love with would end up dying an unexpected death. That's what I mean when I say I'm a science-fiction/romance writer. Most people would be confused when they heard of those two genres being smushed together but I'm telling you, I make a lot of money off my ideas. So anyway, I usually write things like that. But this time around, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and write a romance novel based off true events. Just two months ago, the town of Sioux City celebrated the ten-year anniversary of Little Annie. Little Annie was a five year old girl that was molested and killed here in Sioux City by a trucker with no possible motive. Authorities took two years to find her body. I was intrigued by the story of Little Annie so I read about it and of course, I had an idea. I asked myself, what if there was a motive? What if Little Annie's mother fell in love with the trucker but couldn't be with the man because she had a child? What if that prompted him to murder the little girl? I know it's a little far-fetched but I already pitched the idea to my publisher and they're willing to pick it up. My mind is twisted and just a little bit corrupted, but it makes me money.

I dust off my can of soda in three gulps and toss the can in the trash. I don't feel like waiting for food to be delivered, so I yank open my freezer and take a peek inside. Nothing quick but a frozen pizza is in here, so I grab it and put it on the counter to cook it. I read the directions on the underside of the label and set my oven to 425 degrees like it says. I push "start" for it to begin preheating and stalk lifelessly and tiredly out of the kitchen. I climb the flight of steps that leads upstairs and go immediately to my bedroom. I'll take a shower tomorrow morning instead of tonight. I sit down on my unmade bed and take off my socks. I lean forward and plug my phone into the charger. I stand up and unbutton my jeans. I pull them down and kick them over into a pile next to my closet. I'm not dirty or a slob, I'm just a little bit lazy. I don't make my bed, I don't put my clothes in a hamper, I don't always clean toothpaste out of the sink or put toilet paper on the dispenser. I'm not dirty though. I know how to clean the house, I don't regularly skip showers and I use deodorant. I'm just lazy and I live alone so it's not like I have anyone to appease.

You'd probably think that with me writing all these stories about love, finding love, falling in love, staying in love and meeting your "soul mate", I'd have someone in my life but that's a contradictory. I've had my fair share of relationships—some failed, some successful—but really, I don't have the time I wish I had to invest in someone. Honestly, writing takes up most of my time. And being a romance novelist, I often have a way of how I see things happening and when they don't play out the way I think they will, I just give up. It's one of my faults. I really don't ever see myself committing to anyone and I really don't want to. I'm not really interested in getting married to anyone. I'm 30 years old and I haven't met "the one" yet, so chances are, there is no such thing as "the one". Besides, marriage is overrated anyway. I'm almost 99% sure that if I got married, I'd probably be unfaithful. It's all I've ever been and really, it's all I've ever known.

I don't try to hurt girls and I'm not intentionally an asshole but I've had about seven girlfriends within the last four years and I've cheated on every single one of them. I'm a man…I like sex. I like a lot of sex. And it's not really a secret that I'm a wealthy guy (though nobody really knows just how wealthy I truly am), so naturally, girls come with the money. Me being a man that likes sex so much, commitment isn't really my strong suit. Sex and relationships just don't go on the same peg in my mind. I see sex as one thing and relationships as another. I haven't quite figured out how to make the two mesh just yet. I guess maybe that's why I like writing about other people's relationships so much, because my own suck. It's not like I've never tried to commit, either. My last girlfriend, I swear I tried. Her name was Dana and she was only a couple years younger than me. She was hot, great in the sack, had a nice rack…all that good stuff. I tried so hard to stay faithful for to her but I was out drinking one night at the bar down the street and one of the waitresses was hot too. I just had sex with her once for about half an hour in my car. Dana found out and dumped me and I'd be lying if I said I actually cared. I'm just not the commitment type.

I should do a study of whether infidelity is genetic or not. Sounds stupid but seriously; my mom couldn't keep her pants on long enough to keep my dad in the marriage so maybe she passed that gene on to me. Now, I'd never talk bad about my mom. I swear I'd never do that. I hold my mom on a pedestal and I love that woman to pieces. I used to be angry that she left but as I got older, I learned to actually admire her for it. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 20 and she was in college but she had to drop out. My dad worked on cars until he saved up enough to open his own shop. My mom was 20 and my dad was 35 so logically, they were both in very different places of their lives. My mom just wanted to be young still and my dad was old enough to know that they had to grow up. My mom would cheat on my dad and the two of them would keep me up at night with their arguing so eventually, when I was about 10, they divorced and she left and went back home to Kansas, where she grew up. She just realized that it wasn't going to work out because they weren't really in love in the first place, they just got thrown together to parent me. They gave me the option, to stay here in Iowa or go to Kansas with my mom and I chose to stay in Iowa with pop. My mom wasn't a bad woman, nor was she absent in my life. She sent me gifts growing up, called me and paid child support to my dad. I used to go visit her every other holiday. I didn't come from a broken home, I just never really got to see a functional marriage. I love my mom to death and I still speak to her on a regular basis.

After I put on my night clothes, I slide my foot into my house slippers and pad downstairs to put my frozen pizza in the oven for dinner. I take the pizza from the box and put it on a sheet of aluminum foil so the bottom can get crispy. Unlike most single bachelors, I can actually cook. If I'm not feeling lazy, I can actually whip myself up something pretty tasty. I spend a lot of time at home and when I'm too lazy to grab the remote and turn off the cooking channel, I don't have a choice but to listen…and sometimes I actually pay attention. Admittedly, tonight is a lazy night for me so instead of cooking myself something from scratch, frozen pizza will have to suffice. I pull the door of the oven open and gently slide the pizza inside of it. I'll let it bake for about half an hour while I just go watch something on TV.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

I sit down on my bed, tucking my legs underneath my butt and cradling the bowl of instant Ramen noodles in my hand. I wrap my hand around the remote and pull it up, aiming it at my television to turn it on. I guess I'll watch the news while I eat my dinner then I'll go to bed for the night. I work early tomorrow morning and these early morning shifts are starting to catch up with me. There's no question about it, I'm sleep-deprived. I would like to blame that on the fact that this apartment isn't an ideal living situation but really, it's no fault but my own. I lie in my bed at night tossing and turning, just hoping that eventually, I'll fall asleep at an hour decent enough to not want to murder a box of kittens when I wake up. I don't sleep. That's become one of my characteristics. I just don't sleep. I twirl my fork around in the bowl of noodles and take a bite. While I'm chewing and the news is on commercial break, I look around. Six months of living in this apartment and I'm still not totally used to it. It's really not that bad but it's far from great. Put it this way, I'm not picky. I'm not picky and I'm just grateful to have a roof over my head and somewhere to sleep at night.

My apartment is one room, a bathroom and a kitchen. My bedroom is my living room and when someone walks through the front door, they'd be in my bedroom. The kitchen, if you want to call it that, is just a stove, a sink and a fridge. I don't have money to blow on expensive furniture, so I don't have a kitchen table. Hell, I don't even have a frame for my bed. I sleep on a mattress that rests on the floor. I don't have a dresser so I keep my clothes in the closet. My shirts and my jeans hang up on the hangers but my pajamas, bras and underwear stay in a basket in the corner of my bedroom. My floors are all wooden and the wallpaper is yellow and outdated. I don't even think it's supposed to be yellow, really. I think it was white at one point. My point is that my place isn't very "homely", but it's my place. It's home and I actually look forward to coming home after long days of work. I scrape the last little bit of noodles from my bowl and eat them. _Well that was filling. _I lick my lips and put my bowl down on the floor beside my bed. I take a drink of the bottle of water I got from the fridge and gulp it down. I put the water next to the bowl and reach up to turn off my light.

I shut off the light and use the light illuminating from the TV to settle myself in. I pull my blankets back and slide myself between my sheets. I shut off my TV so it's dark and roll over on my side to go to sleep for the night. I can't wait until I afford to put myself through med school. I can't wait to be making enough money to be able to afford a nice place. I'm going to get there eventually and I can't wait. I close my eyes and run through my finances in my head. Last time I checked, I have like $1,520 in my bank account. $300 of that has to go towards my rent and I'll spend about $50 on groceries because I'm running low. I get paid next week, which will be the normal $1,200. I can put about $1,000 of that away towards my med school deposit since the only thing I'll have to pay out of that is my phone bill. At this rate, it's going to take me about another six months to save up the entire deposit. I should look into getting a second job. They're only going to hold my admission place in the program for one full year before they relinquish it and offer it to someone else on the waiting list. I wonder if anywhere else around Sioux City is hiring.

I roll over on my stomach and sigh. This is why I never get any sleep. I'm always just thinking about all my obligations. I think about the fact that I can't afford to do the things I want to do but I'll be damned if I just give up a spot in Harvard because I can't afford it. _I should totally just become a stripper or a prostitute. I know so many guys that would sleep with me._ That probably sounds cocky or conceited but really. Back when I used to bartend at Hooters, so many drunk men would pull me aside and tell me all the dirty things they'd do to me. I know some men around here that would pick me up, sleep with me and pay me well. I inhale the scent of my pillow which smells like my hair shampoo and just sigh again. Sometimes I think myself into a corner and I end up crying myself to sleep. Crying never gets me anywhere so I try to avoid it but sometimes I just make myself sad. Now obviously I'm not like that. I'm not sleazy or a dirty skank that'd have sex for money. I've only ever had sex with three people in my lifetime so obviously, I'm not easy like that. But it really sounds good sometimes. How am I ever going to afford to be able to do any of this?

Sometimes it's nice not having anyone. Sometimes it's really nice to be alone and not have to answer to anybody or worry and take care of anybody. But sometimes it gets so hard being alone the way I am. I have to count on myself all the freaking time. I'm trying to save up to make my life better but I have the rent, groceries, personal items I have to buy, my cell phone bill… and I have to save up this money quick before they give my spot away. I turn my head to the side and close my eyes softly, like I'm going to go to sleep. When I get off work tomorrow afternoon, I'm gonna look around town to see if anyone else is hiring. Because when I think about it, I have time for a second job. I get up every morning at 7:30 to work at the store from 8:00 to 3:30. I could be working from 3:30 until like 10:00 every night. I don't have a car so I'll have to pay for bus fare to get back and forth to my second job but it's possible. I can do it. I'll be exhausted but I can do it. And when I'm in at Harvard Medical School, I won't be thinking about the exhaustion. I'll be thinking about the fact that I'm going to be a doctor. So yeah… I'll just go apply for a few more jobs tomorrow afternoon after I get off of work. And if that plan fails then yeah, I'll just go be a stripper or a prostitute.

I roll back over on my side again and pull my covers up to my neck. I take a breath and try to throw myself into happy thoughts instead of my drowning financial troubles. _Just think about how worth it it's gonna be eventually. One day you won't have to struggle._

* * *

**A/N:** For all you guys that have been asking, no Just So You Know isn't done. I still have one more chapter to wrap the story up and I'm currently working on it. Look for it in the next coming days (I'll probably post it this weekend). I just finished the first chapter of this story and I liked it so much that I couldn't wait for you guys to read it. Then I got all excited to write the second chapter and here we are.

So I know this story's bland right now since it's all introductory stuff, but anyway, what do you guys think so far? I know it's a different kind of Alex and Jo than you're used to, but that's my point. I don't want my Alex and my Jo to be like the same Alex and Jo you guys read in every Jolex fanfiction story.

As always, this intro stuff is pretty important. Specifically, there's something I wrote in Alex's POV that will come back to be pivotal in the story, so just keep a look out for that. (speaking of Alex, I kind of like his character in this story. He seems weird but he's actually kind of brilliant and intelligent, eh?)

I outlined this story and I promise that I'll start the real drama and important stuff by chapter 10. Just give me 9 chapters to explain the alternate universe, then i'll start the thing that's gonna bring Alex and Jo together.

**Thanks for the positive and encouraging reviews so far. Love you guys so much.**


	3. Reconsider

**A/N:** Little bit of **M** rated content in this chapter.

* * *

I narrow my eyes to try and see through the dimness of the store as I run through a stack of ones. The lights are still warming up so they haven't reached their full brightness just yet. They used to only take about five minutes to warm up but the fuses are old and so is the wiring and now it takes nearly half an hour for the lights to get as bright as they should be. I punch a cashier code into the keypad to open the register. It's not my responsibility to make sure the register is properly stocked with change but if I don't do it, I don't think it'll get done. Ten minutes late and the store still opened on time. Luckily for her, no customers have wandered in just yet. I'm already in a pretty sour mood but I imagine if I had to ring a customer up on the register while she's supposed to be working, I'd be in a worse mood than I'm currently in. After I count out fifty one dollar bills, I slide them neatly into the register drawer and move on to the fives. I don't stock the register up with any bills bigger than tens. There's never a reason to stock up with big bills in this place because we hardly even make big bills in a day. I count out twenty dollars' worth of five dollar bills and put them in the register as well. I glance up at the clock on the wall and get immediately irritated when I see that she's now fifteen minutes late.

When I woke up this morning, I had no intentions on firing anybody today. I thought I was just going to come in here and do the morning check and be on my way for the rest of the day, until noon at least. When I pulled up, I wasn't expecting the store to still be dark. I was expecting her to be in here getting ready to open up for the day, running through her register to make sure she had proper change and doing inventory. No, when I pulled up this morning, the place was still pitch black even though it was set to open in ten minutes. The keys were still at the top of the sign outside the door, just like I told the kid yesterday to leave them and she was nowhere to be found. Like I said, it wasn't my intention to come in and fire someone today but oh well. She's late for no apparent reason and adding to my irritation is what she did yesterday. She already pissed me off yesterday by walking away from the register and copping an attitude when I told her about herself and now she's late. She's gotta go. I'll make her work for the rest of the day though. I don't feel like being here so she can stick out the rest of the day. I'll pay her for the rest of the day.

As I push the register closed, the bells ring to let me know the store's door is opening. I look up, halfway expecting to see a customer but not at all surprised when I see her instead. She appears a bit flustered, panicked and rushed. Her long, brunette and blonde hair is tied back in a flowing ponytail that's swinging around with her quick movements. She doesn't even say anything to me. Instead, she puts the jacket she's carrying down behind the counter and hurriedly makes her way back behind the register. If she's not even going to begin apologizing or explaining why she's late, then I guess I'll begin. I leave from behind the register as she prepares herself for the day's events, like she's been doing this for years. I put my hand to my mouth, clear my throat and slide it back in my pocket. "You uh…" I begin talking and as soon as I do, she looks up at me. I never really got a good look at the kid until now. She can't be any older than eighteen, maybe nineteen. Her face is just fresh and innocent. I look her dead in her eyes, holding her gaze. "You know you're fired, right?" I kick out.

Her face falls flat. Her eyes get a little wider, her jaw drops and her eyebrows rise. "W…What?" Tears line the rims of her eyes and her head eases down. "…Fired? Look, I'm just—"

"Yeah, you're _just _fifteen minutes late when you live right upstairs." I try to fight off the smirk that's threatening to take over my face but I can't. She's about to cry and beg me for her job and I find that funny. She closes her mouth and looks away from me. She's trying to keep her tears from falling but her hands are trembling. It looks like someone just knocked all the life and all the wind out of her. God, I can't stop thinking that this is hilarious. She lives right upstairs and she's fifteen minutes late for her shift today, then she has the audacity to cry when I tell her she's fired? This is hilarious. "I'll be back at 3:30 to collect your name badge. I'll pay you for today but don't bother showing up tomorrow." I slide my car keys off the counter and turn to leave the store for the day, at least until 3:30 when her shift is over. Part of me wants to stay and listen to her crying and groveling over losing her job but I have other things to do today. I catch one last glimpse of her before I leave out the door and again, I smirk. Her face is really red and her hands are resting against her forehead like she can't believe I just fired her. Oh, I should just stay for the waterworks. She's going to cry big time. "If you don't pull it together, I'll just send you home right now. Suck it up." She's starting to annoy me now though. I need her to pull herself together long enough to work so I don't have to stay here.

She slowly takes her hands away from her face and puts them down at her sides. "I'm sorry." Her voice is nearly a whisper. Her eyes are fixated on the ground not moving and her teeth are biting her bottom lip. "…Do you think maybe you can reconsider?" The waterworks started. She has tears running all down her cheeks and she's playing with the bottom of her shirt like she's nervous. "I really just..." She scratches her head. "I didn't mean to be late. I… I didn't get much sleep last night and I didn't hear my alarm go off this morning because…my power bill is due and I didn't realize that they'd…turn it off so early this morning. I just didn't hear my alarm, that's all. I would never…" I watch her throat bob as she swallows. "I'm never late."

"What are you telling me this for?" I slip my finger through the ring of my keychain and swing my keys around on my finger. "Fact of the matter is that you were still late. This isn't the last job you'll be fired from in your life; suck it up and take it like a champ." She just nods her head and looks down. "You'll thank me for this someday. You're what? 18? 19? Consider this a life lesson."

"…I'm 23." Her voice cracks after she says "three" and she takes a step back. "Can I be excused? I just need to…" She shakes her head as her eyebrows wrinkle, her mouth contorts and her nostrils flare. "I can't be here anymore." She gathers up her jacket and her cell phone and slides back from behind the counter. While she walks, I watch a tear roll off her cheek and fall down to the floor. "If you don't mind me leaving…" She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. "I have to go look for a new job. I was counting on this paycheck to pay a couple bills but it's only going to be a couple bucks now since it's only a day's worth of work and I just really need another job so if you don't mind can I just leave now I really need a minute." She knows I don't really care about anything she's saying and she's not even taking breaths before her rants, which makes me think that ranting is just something she does when she's upset. "I'm so sorry and thank you for the job anyway…"

I grind my teeth together and squeeze my eyes. _Her crying voice is so naggy and annoying, god just shut the hell up. _I have half a mind to tell her no, she's not allowed to leave. But I'm pretty sure it's illegal if I don't let her go while she's this upset. If she leaves now, I have to stay here and run this damn place by myself while I really need to go home and go back to sleep so I can be up and researching by at least 1:00. She can't leave. "Wait." I stop her before she walks out that door for good. "…Consider this your warning." I mumble, dragging my phone from my pocket to check the time. I really just don't feel like sitting in the store all day. "Any more problems outta you and you're really fired." Her face softens and she looks at me like she's seen the light for the first time in years. "I mean it this time." She nods her head, sniveling. "…Go compose yourself." I motion with my head back towards the bathroom.

"Thank you so much." She tilts her head back and wipes her face. Immediately, her face is starting to regain its color. I reach over on the counter across from where I'm standing and grab a few tissues. I hand them to her. She graciously takes them from my hand and dabs her eyes with them. "I just really need the money. I'm trying to save up for school." I nod, only halfway listening to her. "I'm sorry that I was late. I would never intentionally be late…" I nod again. I'll wait here for her to compose herself before I leave. I still have half a mind to come back here at 3:30 and tell her that I don't want her to come back tomorrow. She has to be punished for being late, no matter what the excuse and no matter how many tears she cries. She puts her stuff back down behind the counter and goes back to her spot behind the register. It's crazy how easily she pulled it together like that.

In my hand, my phone vibrates to let me know I have a notification. It's not the vibrate that it vibrates when I'm getting a phone call; it's the kind of buzz that lets me know I have a new email. Eagerly, I tap on my email icon on the home screen of my phone and check out my email to see if my publisher emailed me any new information. I've been waiting for this email. Also, I've been trying to get out the door for the last half hour now but I've been getting so distracted. First by her tears, then by her begging, then by her threatening to leave; and now I'm invested in my email. Looks like I'm probably not going to go back to sleep when I get home. Unfortunately, the new email I got isn't from my publisher, it's from some random spam account. I pull the page down to refresh it and while I wait, I glance up to see what she's doing. She's standing on a step stool, reaching up to a top shelf with her back turned towards me.

For a split second, I get a little bit caught up in what I'm looking at. She's wearing tight, black, legging capris. I don't see underwear lines through her pants so either she's not wearing any or she has a thong on. I narrow my eyes a bit to get a clearer look. Around the top of her ass, I can make out a triangular shape which gives away the fact that she's wearing a thong. _Nice ass. Crybaby attitude, snobby look but nice ass, nonetheless. _I really thought she was younger than 23. I don't feel so perverted and dirty staring at her ass now that I know she's only seven years younger than me, as opposed to 12 because she has an amazing ass. She has the kind of ass that I'd squeeze if she'd let me hug her. She steps down off the step stool and turns back around which forces my attention off her. I look back down at my phone; still no email from my publisher. I'm going home, for real this time. "…What's your name, by the way?" I ask her, shoving my phone back into my pocket.

"Josephine?" She leans against the counter and holds her chin in the palm of her hand.

"Ew." I tune my nose up. That just made her ass way less hot. Now I'm envisioning an old person named Josephine and it's just gross. That has to be the ugliest name I've ever heard in my life.

"You can call me Jo though." I just nod and turn to leave the room. I guess I won't fire her later either. I guess I'll let her keep her job; only because she has a nice ass though. She has a nice ass and I wouldn't mind staring at it every time I come in here while she's working. I'll keep her. "Hey." She calls after me just as my hand reaches the handle of the door. I turn and raise my eyebrows. "…What's yours?" She asks. When she's not crying and being a damn nag, her voice is sweet. "I know that's probably weird, but seriously. What's your name? I never did know…"

"Alexander." I push the door open. "You can call me Alex though."

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"I was just wondering if you guys were hiring…" I run my hand through my ponytail and silently try to catch my breath. Saying I'm out of breath is an understatement. I've been walking everywhere for a while now. The bus dropped me off three blocks away from The Cheesecake Factory. I went there first and asked for an application but they weren't hiring. After that, I walked to Payless and filled out an application there. Then I went to the Red Lobster up the street to see if they were hiring and they were so I filled out an application. Now I'm here at Buffalo Wild Wings, asking for one. I've been walking around filling out applications for at least an hour and a half now and I'm so tired of it. But on the plus side, some place is bound to call me in for an interview, right? I've filled out too many applications for them not to. The host looks at me with so much lust in his eyes that it's disgusting. I'm not in the mood to get hit on today. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm hungry and broke with no money to get myself something to eat, I almost lost my job this morning and I'm really not in the mood to be flirted with. _Stop looking at me like that._

"Y…yeah." He nods at me, his attention clearly not on anything that I'm saying but on my body instead. It's 90 degrees outside today and all this walking has made me really hot. So when I left the Payless, I took off my t-shirt and decided to walk in my tank top. I should've known better than to walk around in a tank top but the thing is, nobody's even thought about flirting with me until this guy. I trace his eyes and find that he's clearly staring at my chest. He's kind of nerdy. He has red, swollen pimples all over his face, a curly blonde afro and glasses. He might have a nice personality for all I know, but I really don't care to find out if he's just stuck staring at me like I'm a piece of meat. "We're hiring."

"Then can I have an application?" The tone of my voice is a little bit snippy. I'm usually pretty good with controlling my pissed off moods and emotions around people but I'm really just in the worst mood I've been in, in a really long time. The guy nods his head at me, still staring at my boobs. Since my jacket and my t-shirt are draped over my arm, I carelessly bring my arm up and put it over my chest to cover myself and break his concentration. I've been dealing with buttholes all day. Seriously, this day can't get any worse than what it's been. They turned my electricity off this morning so my alarm was powered off. My alarm didn't get me up this morning so I was fifteen minutes late to work. Then I got fired by the douchiest douchebag of all douchebags. Then I got unfired. I just really need to get my life together. The guy stops staring at my boobs and turns around to a filing cabinet. He pulls an application from a section of the filing cabinet and hands it over to me. "Can I have a pen?" My tone is still really short and rude. He hands me a pen. "Thank you."

I take the application and the pen over to a bench in the lobby and sit down. I click the pen open and start filling it out. This morning, when he fired me, two things ran through my head. The first thing that ran through my head is that I should just kill myself. I've only ever contemplated suicide once in my lifetime before this morning, so that's pretty unusual for me. The first time I thought about it was three years ago, during my sophomore year of college. It was right after I got the news that my adoptive mom died. I like to drink. I'm not an alcoholic and I don't drink too much, but I do like to drink and get drunk. I was really sad about my mom dying, of course, so one of my best friends—Paige, her name was—took me to this bar down the street from campus. I was only nineteen so I was underage but she got us in by flirting with the bouncer. I drank a little too much at the bar and I started feeling sick. The next thing I remember is waking up in somebody's dorm with nothing but my panties on. This guy was lying naked next to me and to this day, I still don't know what happened. I'm assuming I slept with him because when I pulled back the covers, he had a condom on. Next thing I know, Paige is standing in the dorm with me naked in the guy's bed, screaming at me and calling me a "whore." Turns out the guy was her boyfriend. I swear I didn't know though. I don't even know what happened. When I got back to my own dorm, I took a shower and when I got out, I had bruises all over my neck and my wrists and a welt on my cheek. I mean, I think I was raped. I don't really know though. How do I know that I didn't want it if I don't remember it? I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything from that night and I still don't know what happened to me and why I looked like I had been beaten.

Paige was really mad at me. She didn't talk to me ever again after that. I tried to tell her that I don't know what the hell happened that night. I even tried to confide in her and tell her that I think her boyfriend raped me but she called me a liar and a whore. She told me that I was obviously lying about being raped because I didn't report it to anyone, which was true. But I didn't want to report it and be wrong. I don't remember anything about that night besides going out and drinking and feeling weird after I had a couple drinks in my system. So I just didn't say anything about it because who am I to accuse someone of rape when I don't even know if I resisted? I think I resisted though. Why else would I have bruises on my wrists, my neck and my cheek? Anyway, that was the first time I ever contemplated killing myself. I was pretty sure that I got raped but I couldn't say anything and be wrong about it. I lost my best friend, her boyfriend was a rapist I think and she didn't want to speak to me. So I thought about it but obviously I never went through. The second time I thought about killing myself was this morning when I lost the only job I had and the only source of income I have. The thought left my mind pretty quickly though.

Anyway, the second thing that went through my mind when I got fired this morning was again, just being a prostitute. I used to say all the time that I was going to drop out of school and be a stripper. Back when I was failing Organic Chemistry in college, I swore I was dropping out to be a stripper. That was all in good fun though. These days, with me being broke and hungry and sleeping on a mattress on the floor, stripping sounds heavenly. Strippers make so much money but you know who really brings in the big bucks? Prostitutes. I could totally just go stand out on a corner and wait for some guy to pick me up. I'll charge a hundred bucks for a blow job, two hundred for the whole thing. Clearly I'm just joking but I swear to goodness, if I don't get a second job and if I keep having to deal with that douchelord I work for, I might consider it. _I wonder how much pornstars make… _I wouldn't be a pornstar or a prostitute or a stripper forever. _I'd just be one until I make enough to pay my deposit. _I chuckle at my thoughts and stand up to go turn this application in. I walk over to the guy that was staring at me and hand it to him, along with his pen. "Have a nice day."

"Mmm…" He groans, his attention right back on my boobs. On second thought, maybe I shouldn't work here. See, this is why I could never actually be a stripper or a pornstar or a prostitute. I really hate getting attention from guys. It's like they've never seen boobs before. I hate it so much when they stare. I'm not even all that pretty. "You have a nice day too." He nudges his glasses with his finger and nods at me. I just shake my head, roll my eyes and walk away. I'm going to go see what I can get off the dollar menu at McDonald's with the five bucks I have in my pocket. I still have about an hour until the next bus comes to pick me up and take me back home. I walk back outside in the heat of the day and sigh. I was going to take this five bucks and buy some conditioner for my hair but I can go without conditioner. I can't go without food. I start walking up the street to get to the McDonald's.

I guess maybe he's not that bad. The more I think about it, the more I don't think he is. I try to find the good in everybody and for a while there, I was struggling to find the good in him. I saw him laughing at me when I was crying and begging for him to let me keep my job and for a moment there, I really didn't think he had any speck of decency in his body. But he softened and he let me keep my job so maybe, he is a decent person. How bad can he be? He writes love stories for a living. I really wish I knew what his pseudonym is. I would totally go to the library and pick up one of his books if I knew what his fake name was. Part of me doesn't think that he's that good of an author though. I mean really, he's living in Sioux City, Iowa. If he was popular, wouldn't he be living somewhere luxurious, like the Florida Keys or out there in California somewhere? He doesn't seem like he's too wealthy either. Maybe he's really not a good author, but that's beside my point. My point is that he writes romance novels, which means he has to have at least a speck of decency in his body. I still don't like him very much, and if he got hit by bicycle or something, I don't think I'd mind. I'd probably laugh.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Just give me a damn deadline." I brace my phone against my ear and take my coffee pot from under the brewer. I've been on the phone with my publisher for half an hour now and I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I'm talking to a blank wall. "We wouldn't have to go this way if you would've just answered the damn email in the first place, Jerry." I've been thinking about firing Jerry as my agent for a while now but this is putting the icing on the cake. He's pissing me off. I tilt my coffee pot downwards so I can pour it into mug. "Are you gonna give me a deadline or not?" I pull the coffee pot back a moment too fast and the spout clips the mug just enough to make it fall and all the coffee comes crashing down to the ground. "Fuck." I mumble a curse word under my breath and put my phone on speaker so I can clean up the mess I made and listen to Jerry at the same time. I can't do things while I'm irritated. It usually results in me doing things in a haste and making a mess because I'm so pissed. I put my phone down on the counter and walk to my closet to grab the mop.

"I'm just saying that I don't think it's a smart idea, Alex." Jerry sounds like he's typing something up in the background while he's talking. I start mopping up the spilled coffee and let him have his minute to talk before I interrupt him. "And I know. When you came to me with the idea, I was all for it because I AM all for it. It's the best idea you've had in a really long time; it's genius, really. But you're not thinking. Do you really want to write something based off a heinous crime committed in Sioux City? First of all, a lot of animosity still lingers over the Little Annie case and you know that. A lot of ill feelings and hatred is still harbored over that case. You're digging yourself a grave here. You also have to think about the fact that you're going to set this book in SIOUX CITY. You're going to give away your location, where you're from…it's only a matter of time before people figure out who you are. You saw the article already. Just imagine if they find out it's in Sioux City."

"I don't give a damn what people think and you know I don't. It's my idea and I'll do whatever the hell I want to do with it. Just give me the deadline and I'll submit it." I finish mopping up the coffee and turn to put the mop back in the closet. I hear what he's saying, I really do. I know he's just trying to protect my character, my reputation and my sanity. I know he is but this book is something I really want to write. Jerry's point is this: This morning, around 10:00, he forwarded me an article. The Writers' Journal Magazine wrote an article about me. It said that I'm finding basis for my new novel from a true, brutal crime about the molestation and murder of a five year old girl. Since the article was published, my email inbox has been flooded with lots of hateful comments about how it's cruel and sick to take the murder of a child and turn it into a romance novel. I've actually gotten a couple death threats over it. He's worried that once people find out the story is set in Sioux City, the citizens of Sioux City will eventually realize that bestselling author Michael A. Evans is actually from Sioux City, Iowa. He thinks that once they figure that out, they'll put it together and find out that Michael A. Evans is actually Alex Karev and when they find out that I made a "mockery" out of Little Annie's murder, they'll band together to take a stand against me and make my life hell. And for those reasons, my publisher doesn't want to pick up my book. What Jerry doesn't get though, is that I'm not worried. I'm not worried about people finding out who I am. Nobody's gonna do anything to me and I'm not scared. "Sioux City is a big place, Jerry. Who's to say that they'll find out that it's me?"

"Sioux City isn't that big, Alex. And how many people in Sioux City do you know of that are as wealthy as you? What do you think, the people will believe that Michael Evans is a poor business owner? No, they'll get that you're him. I'm telling you this isn't a good idea."

"Give. Me. The. Deadline." I clench my teeth together and talk to him through them. "I swear, once you guys at the company get the rough copy, you'll change your mind. You guys are GOING to pick it up, I know you will. I'll write it and after it's published, Michael Evans will…lay low for a while. I'm telling you it's not as bad as you think it's gonna be. Just give me the deadline. I'll change everybody's minds."

"This isn't a good idea." Jerry sighs. "…Today's date is June 14th. I want the first five chapters by the 24th. That's ten days, and I think that's more than enough time. This is going to be rushed. I don't think you realize how liable the company is if something happens. They'll go after YOU, the publisher, the editor… this is all on you here, Karev. I'm telling you."

"Ten days… I can beat that." I smile to myself. I always get my way.

"Make sure you follow the press. This one's gonna get a lot of media attention. And forward me any threats you get. I'm telling you, Alex… if this gets to be too dangerous, it's not getting published. Tell me you understand."

"I understand."

* * *

**A/N:** So I won't update tomorrow. Have a happy Grey's Day! I know I will! lol.

p.s. Hope we get some good Jolex in 11b.


	4. As You Seem

**A/N:** **M **rated content in this chapter.

* * *

"Thanks again for switching with me, Jo." No sooner than I walk through the door, he starts talking to me. For as eagerly as he started talking to me, it seems like he was waiting for me to walk through the door. "You really are a lifesaver. I have placement exams in a half hour**.** I don't know what I would've done without you." He starts gathering up all this things in preparation to leave for the day. This is the most Matt has ever spoken to me. Seriously, I've never heard the guy say more than a few words at a time and now he's on a first name basis with me, calling me a lifesaver? And he's acting like I donated a kidney to him or something. All I did was give him my morning shift for his night shift. We just switched shifts. He didn't tell me why, he just asked me yesterday when he came in to relieve me if I could work tonight so he could work the morning. I told him I would. It's not a big deal for me to work a morning or a night. I got all my job searching done yesterday so it's not like I have anything to do tonight. "Really, thank you. You saved my ass." I would've switched with him anyway, whether he had college placement exams or not. I'm still hung up on the fact that he knows my name, really. I didn't even think he knew my name.

"No problem." I wipe my feet on the rug that's in front of the door because they're wet. It rained a little bit outside today and I walked down the street a couple buildings to grab something from the Subway for my lunch, so my shoes are wet. I unzip my jacket and pull my arms out of the slightly wet cloth sleeves. "Where are you going to college?" I ask him, just to be polite. I never really considered Matt as one of my friends because honestly, I didn't even think he liked me. But now that he seems to be talking to me, I don't want to be rude. So to be nice, I continue the conversation. I put the six-inch sandwich I got from Subway behind the counter along with my bottle of water. I hang my jacket on the back of the chair behind the register and get ready to start my shift. He's still behind the counter with me, gathering up his things so he can leave. Once he gathers up all his belongings, he holds them all in his arms and leans against the counter.

"Western Iowa Community Tech." He boasts, switching the weight off his back leg to the front leg. I lean against the register and nod my head at him, as a silent "good for you" gesture. He brings his hand up and sweeps his shaggy, dark brown hair away from his forehead. He's looking at me with a friendly half-smile. "Yeah, I finally decided to go back. I told myself I'd work full time long enough to save up to get myself a car. Got my car last week, it's time to go back to school. I quit my second job yesterday. I'm just ready to start getting my education again, you know?"

"I hear you." I respect that. I can understand that. He's in the same boat as me, it seems. I sigh and punch my code into the cash register because that's how I clock in for my shift. His shift is officially over so I'm expecting him to leave now, but he doesn't. Instead, he sticks around for a moment and plays with the conveyor belt on the register that doesn't even work anymore. I put my elbow against the counter and rest my chin in the palm of my hand. I look at him from the corner of my eye. He said he has placement exams in about half an hour. If he has his exams so soon, why is he still standing here? "Good luck on your placement test." I turn my head towards him. "Those things are a headache."

"Thanks, Jo." My name rolls off his tongue so naturally, fluently and effortlessly. He says "Jo" in the sweetest way I've ever heard anyone say my name before. It's like not only does he know my name but he's been practicing saying it so that it's fluent in his language. "…Are you…" He clears his throat and stands up straight. "I was just thinking that maybe…If you're not busy…" He's so nervous. His voice is all shaky, he's stumbling over his words and he can't even look me in my eye. Do I make him nervous? What's so special about me? Does he have a crush on me? He sighs like he's frustrated and just says it. "Do you want to go out with me? On a date?" _He likes me. And I make him nervous. He was so nervous to ask me out. _"Like…tomorrow, if you're not busy? I know this Italian place across town and I was thinking…" His voice trails off. I don't know what to say to him. I'm so flattered that he would ask me out like this but I'm not dating. I don't want to go out with anyone, not just him. "…You're not single, are you?" I just look down at the ground. "I should've known. You're…you. You couldn't possibly be single." He sounds so embarrassed. "Just forget I said this…"

"No, Matt…" I put my hand up at him to stop him. I don't want him to be embarrassed for having asked me out. It's not like I'm a high-maintenance snob that doesn't date guys like him. And I don't want him to think that he'll never have a chance with me because of his looks or social status or anything like that because that's not the issue. He doesn't have to be embarrassed. I'm not that special. "I am single. I'm not seeing anybody, I don't have a boyfriend. It's not that." I set that record straight and continue on. He looks up at me again, a little glimmer of hope flashing in his deep green eyes. "I'm just not dating." I'm blunt but careful to spare his feelings. "I have a lot going on in my life right now and dating isn't really an option for me at the moment. You're really sweet…and I haven't been hit on by a nice guy in a while. So thank you… but I'm not dating. My life is really busy and complicated right now. I don't think it'd be fair for me to bring somebody else into it when I don't really have time…It wouldn't be fair to you."

He smiles, flashing me a smile that consists of pearly white teeth that are perfectly aligned. "Shot…down." He moves his hair out of the way again and keeps smiling. I never did think that he was ugly. It's not like he isn't my type—I don't really have a type. So it's not like I think he's too ugly for me because Matt actually isn't ugly. He has tanned, white skin and long, straight brown, skater-boy hair. His eyes are a real pretty shade of green and he's kind of muscular. He more I look at him, the more I think he resembles the werewolf guy from the Twilight movies. "…So can we just forget about this?"

"…Which part?" I smile at him to let him know that I don't think he's weird or anything like that because I don't. I just don't have time to date anybody right now. If I dated somebody, they'd get put on the backburner because they'd come second to the fact that I work and I'm trying to get a second job. I don't think it'd be fair of me to bring a guy into my life while I'm not willing to dedicate more than 10% of my time to him right now. I just want to save up so I can go to Massachusetts. I'm not in the business of getting a boyfriend that I'm going to have to leave. "The part where you asked me out, the part where you told me you have a crush on me or the part where you assumed I was in a relationship?" I giggle.

He laughs too. "Just the part where you rejected me."

"…Yeah, I suppose we can just act like that didn't happen." I swear if I was in the position to date right now, I'd give him a chance. He's nice looking, he's very sweet and unlike most guys that look at me, he actually looks me in my face. He doesn't look at my chest or my butt. He looks at my face and he actually sees me as a person. He's not a bum. He has a job, a car and he's going back to school. He's not someone I'd never think twice about. Matt's really sweet. "So uh…" I lean against the register again. "Good luck on your placement exams?"

"Yeah, thanks again." He winks at me. "I'll see you tomorrow Jo." I nod my head. He secures all his belongings in his arms and makes a move towards the door. I kind of feel bad for rejecting him like that. I'm not kidding when I say that Matt is the first guy in a really long time to go about asking me out the right way. Most guys just tell me that I'm hot. Some just flat out ask for my number while others ask if they can buy me a drink or something. Okay, so maybe asking if they can buy me a drink isn't really a horrible thing, but I'm just cautious about that which kind of makes me automatically reject you if you ask me to buy me a drink. The last time somebody offered to buy me a drink, like an idiot, I accepted. I ended up taking three sips of it and feeling like I could pass out. Next thing I know, I'm naked in a bed with a guy I don't even know with my best friend screaming at me. I'm just saying that I don't really trust boys when they say that they want to buy me a drink anymore. My point is that Matt is the only guy that's ever been proper about it in a while and I really feel bad about turning him down. Part of me wants to stop him and tell him that I accept his offer but the bigger part of me is telling me no. It wouldn't be fair of me to do that, especially to a guy as nice as Matt.

"See you later Matt." I mumble to myself as the door shuts behind him and turn around to grab my bottle of water. I twist the cap off and tilt it up to my mouth. I know it's kind of late to be worrying about this, but I really hope Matt cleared this with the owner. He said yesterday when he approached me with the idea of switching shifts that he got it okayed by the owner directly since manager Buck has been out for a couple days. He said he got it approved but the thought of what would happen to me if he didn't is still creeping in my head. I don't really see the point of being mad over switching shifts, as long as one of us is working at the appropriated times but these days, it seems like the owner is looking for any reason to fire me. He hates my guts and he almost fired me for being late yesterday so I could totally see him pulling the hammer down on me for switching shifts without approval. I'm still looking for the good in him, by the way.

I'm not usually as weak as I was yesterday when I cried and broke down like that in front of him. I actually consider myself to be pretty strong. But he broke me yesterday. When he told me that I was fired, he broke me. I didn't mean to start crying like that but it just happened and I couldn't stop it. But for what it's worth, I'm still pretty strong. I was in foster care until I was ten years old. Do you know how tough you have to be to be in foster care? I was literally bumped around to thirteen different foster homes in ten years, and let me tell you, every last one of them that I can remember was dreadful. I slept on floors, dealt with mean kids that'd pull my hair, didn't take showers or baths sometimes. I'm a pretty tough person, I like to think. I'm not usually that weak.

My life got so much better when I got placed with the Wilsons. I still remember my first day in their house. I screw the cap back on my bottle of water and sit down in the chair behind the register. I stare down at the ugly red rug below the cabinets of the register and lose myself deep in my thoughts.

"_You can sit down, sweetie." She motions with her hand to an old fashioned, floral-patterned sofa. Most people would think the sofa is ugly but I kinda like it. I think it's pretty and it looks really soft. It's gonna make a good bed. It's better than the hard brown one the other people used to make me sleep on. I don't think my back's gonna hurt when I wake up anymore. My legs feel like Jell-O. I don't think I can move them. My legs are wiggly, my heart hurts and I think I need to go pee. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to crawl up inside myself and hide. I squeeze the soft, plush teddy bear I have in my arm. He makes me feel better. I've had him for a really long time. He used to be white but he's kind of brown now. I like that he's brown though. He's been with me through everything and the fact that he's brown and dirty just shows that he's like me. He's been through a lot of sad stuff. He's weathered, just like me. "Can I take your jacket?" She asks me. I shake my head and pull my bear up to cover my face. I don't want to be here anymore._

_Somehow, I pull my legs together enough to walk to the couch. I sit down on the edge of it to feel the softness. It's really soft. It's gonna be comfortable. I peek out from behind my bear and look around. There's a wooden coffee table in front of me that has some candy in a glass dish in the middle. Hershey kisses. I love Hershey kisses. I used to steal them off the shelf in the Walmart sometimes. I wonder if she'll let me have one before bed time. There are a lot of plants and flowers in the room. There's a fat white cat laying on the other couch across from me. There's no TV in here. But there are a lot of flower paintings on the wall. She must like flowers. "Do you want anything? A drink? Something to snack on?" I shake my head and cover my face with my bear again. "If you want anything, let me know." I look down at my socks. She made me take my shoes off at the door and my socks are really dirty. I don't think they got washed yet. "…I like your bear." She touches my bear's head and I squeeze him tighter. "Does he have a name?" I shake my head. _

_She told me to ask her if I want something. "Can I have a blanket?" I ask. I've been told a lot of times before that I have a sweet voice. I don't know what that means but a lot of people told me that my voice is sweet. I think I just want to take a nap. I'm gonna lay down on the couch and take a nap. _

"_Are you cold, honey?" She asks me and I shake my head. I'm not cold, I just want to go to sleep. I just want a blanket. "I'll see what kind of blankets I have in the closet. How many blankets do you want? Just one?" I nod my head. She leaves me alone and walks out of the room. I think the best part about these people is that they're kind of old. So if they want to spank me or something, they have to catch me first and they're old so they might not be able to. I really wish I had superpowers so I could disappear. I've been through this a lot and it never gets easier. It's always so scary to go to a new place. She comes back in the room with a big pink blanket. "Is this good?" I nod my head at her and nicely take the blanket. I slide back against the couch and lie down. I spread the blanket out and put it over my body. "Are you tired? Do you want to sleep?" I just nod my head. "Honey, you don't sleep on the sofa. Not the sofa." She shakes her head at me and holds her hand out to me._

"…_Where do I sleep then?" I sit up and just look up at her. I feel my eyes getting ready to cry. Does she have a basement or somewhere that she's gonna make me sleep in? I don't want to sleep on a floor. My back already hurts. She shakes her hand, telling me to hold it. I don't want to, but I take her hand anyway. She pulls me and my bear off the couch and starts pulling me. We go up the steps and down a hallway. She opens up a door and pulls me inside the new room. It's big. There's a bed with a pink and purple Barbie blanket on it. A BARBIE blanket! I look up at her again but she's not looking at me. She's fiddling with a light switch. Is this room mine? All mine? Nobody else's? Just mine? _

"_You sleep in here. This is your room." She finally gets the light to turn on and OH GOODNESS! There's a BARBIE house! A real big one! And a TV! I don't mean to, but I gasp. THERE'S AN AMERICAN GIRL DOLL ON THE BED! I always wanted one! IS HAT A BEAN BAG CHAIR!? THERE'S A STROLLER AND A BABY DOLL! I drop my bear on the floor and go over to the American Girl doll. She's beautiful. She's so pretty! "Do you like the doll? I had a debate with my husband about which one to get…"_

_I nod my head and don't even realize that I'm smiling. I sit down on the Barbie bed and feel how comfy it is. What's the catch here? Is there a catch? "Is all this mine?" I touch my doll's face. I always wanted one of these. All the girls in my class had one and I never did and I always wanted one. "…The Barbies and stuff?"_

"_Well I'm certainly not going to play with it." She walks over to the bed and stands next to me. Her hand rests on my head and she starts messing with my hair. "…Do you like your room, Josephine?" She asks. Still looking down at my doll, I nod. "Do you want to wash up and play in your room for a little bit before you eat your supper?" _

"…_Supper?"_

"_Supper. You know… that thing you eat after breakfast and after lunch? Before your bedtime snack? Supper." She's still messing with my hair. "Do you like roast beef sandwiches and mashed potatoes?"_

"_I like that."_

"_Banana pudding for dessert?" I nod my head fast. "Let's get you cleaned up then." She puts her hands on the back of my jacket. I unzip the zipper and let her take it off. "Undress yourself…I'll grab your bathrobe." I follow her directions as she walks to the other side of my new room. I take off my t-shirt like she asked me to. I take off my baggy jeans as well. I think she wants me to take a bath, so I step out of my panties too. I'm a little uncomfortable being naked in front of her like this, but she comes back over to me with a fluffy purple robe and she doesn't even make a big deal out of me being naked. I like it here… My eyes are getting ready to cry again. I blink them and some tears fall down. I don't wanna like it here. I'm gonna have to leave again. She doesn't notice that I'm crying though. Instead, she wraps the robe around my body and I loop my arms through the holes. She kneels down in front of me and ties it around my waist. "…Are you crying, honey?" I wipe my eyes and shake my head. "What's the matter?" I shake my head again. "Josephine, what's the matter?" _

"_Are you gonna kick me out?" I ask her. "I like it here." _

"_Oh honey…" She stands up straight and much to my surprise, she lifts me off my feet and holds me. She's pretty strong for an old woman. She puts her arms under my butt so I don't fall and holds me up against her body. "You're allowed to like it here. No, scratch that…" She smiles at me. "I want you to love it here. You're not going anywhere."_

"…_Promise?"_

"_I promise."_

The bells on the door break my thoughts and pull me out of my daydream. I look up to see who's coming through the door. Some guy with a construction hat just wandered in. I sigh and stand up because I'm going to have to stand up eventually when he's ready to check out. It's not often that I think about Karen and Bill like that, but every time I do, I get pretty sad. They changed my life so much. Even as a naïve, ten year old little girl, I knew that they were good people. I found my "forever family". I try not to think about them too much because when I do think about them, I get so sad and I really miss them. I never got the chance to take care of them. That's all I ever wanted to do. They used to tell me all the time how proud of me they were. When I got into Princeton, they were SO proud of me and they would go around and brag to everybody that would listen about "their smart little Josephine". They even bragged whenever I got into the gifted program in elementary and middle school. They were the BEST parents. All I ever wanted to do was make enough money to take care of them someday. I never got to do that. I'm not sure if I believe in God. I mean, I pray sometimes and I like to think that there's someone higher than me that looks out for me. I'm not sure if God is real, but if he is, I hope he lets them know every single day that I am forever grateful to those people.

"Is that all, sir?" I plaster a fake smile on my face as I ring up a box of nails. Invested in his cell phone, the man just nods his head at me. I slip his nails into a small bag. "$1.56." I say. He hands me a ten dollar bill. I go to open the register to make change but he swipes the bag off the counter and starts walking. He mumbles, "you keep the change, hun" under his breath and walks out the store. _Well then. _I take the money out of the drawer and slip it in my back pocket. This isn't the first time I've been told to keep the change, but it's never happened with any more than a dollar. I'm not complaining though. "Thank you." I say to him just as he leaves out the door. Since I have a little bit of extra money now, I retreat back to my chair and pick up my Subway sandwich. I've been hungry for about an hour now but I've been reluctant to eat it because it has to last me. I can afford to eat it now. I unwrap the sandwich and sit it on my lap.

_Thank you. _I say again in my head. He deserves a big thank you because that guy just bought me my dinner.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Ah…Ohh…Oh…Oh god…Oh god!" _They should really make muzzles for human beings. _I'm all for being loud during sex, but there's a limit. You shouldn't be screaming more than you're breathing and I'm a firm believer in that. Or maybe I'm just annoyed because this chick's moan is so annoying. She sounds like a Chihuahua, barking and yapping in my ear. And the fact that we're in the passenger's seat of my car doesn't help. She's moaning and screaming and yapping in my ear but she has no choice but to yap in my ear because we're not exactly in a bed. I don't take girls to my house. If I'm going to bang a random chick, we do it in my car or I'll pay to rent out a motel—never a hotel because hotels are too expensive for random bootycalls. I don't take women to my house. I have my identity to protect and plus, nobody's important enough to me to deserve to be banged in a bed. I reach over in my cup holder and grab my phone. She's on top, riding me, so I'll wait for her to get done. I got mine about ten minutes ago and she's not done yet. I'll wait. I unlock my phone and check my texts while she's still going. "Ah! Uhhhh!" I tune out her obnoxious moans and scroll through my unread messages.

Is it bad that I don't even know this chick's name? She told me it once but I wasn't listening. I met her at the bar. I finished up the prologue of the controversial novel I'm writing and submitted it to my publisher and they love it so far. They're still waiting for me to turn in the first five chapters to pick it up though. So it's still a no for now. But they love it so far which means it's going to be a yes, so I went down to the bar to celebrate. This really hot chick ended up sitting next to me and I bought her a drink. It only took one drink for her to agree to go out to the parking lot with me. We're in my car now and it didn't require much talking from me to get her pants off. I don't think the girl is easy; I'm just a really smooth talker. Anyway, I don't know her name and I don't really care to know it, either. When I got her pants off, I realized that I could've picked a better chick. She was hot until she took her clothes off. Her boobs are ugly and flat. She doesn't have a big ass and the worst part of all is that she's hairy. Not to mention, she's not even tight. She's so loose it's like I'm having sex with a paper bag. It's like banging air. I could've sat and waited for a hotter chick.

She slows her rocking and bouncing to a stop and when she does, I tune in again. "That…was…amazing." She's out of breath but her voice is very clear. She's smiling and she's satisfied. "Was it good for you?" She asks me. She lifts up so I can take it out and I do. I'm soft which really isn't normal for me. Usually, if the girl is amazing in bed, I can go for hours. But she's horrible and it wasn't good so unfortunately, I'm soft. She tries to kiss me on my lips but I turn my head and keep my nose in my phone. She slides her tongue all over my earlobe and giggles in my ear. If I was one of those guys that hit women, I'd slap her. But I don't hit girls. I'm a lot of things. I'm selfish, impatient, a tool…some might even tell me that I'm an asshole. But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a woman beater. I'll never hit a woman. That's one lesson that pop taught me that I'll never forget. He always told me that real men don't hit women. "Real men don't even raise their hands to women, Alex", he used to say. And he always taught me that a real man treats his wife like a queen. I don't plan on getting married but if I did get married, I would follow pop's words and treat my wife like a queen. Even though they didn't last, I can say that pop treated mom pretty well. Man, sometimes I wish pop was still here.

Before I lock my phone back up to put it down, I check the time. It's 8:45. I put my phone back inside the cup holder and roll my neck around to crack it. "Alright, I hate to cut this short but…" I lie to her face. I don't hate to cut this short. I love to cut this short. The sex was horrible. "I really have somewhere I have to be." I help her find her skirt and her underwear. I'm not lying about that part though. I do have somewhere I need to be. I have to go close up the store for the night. While she busies herself with putting her pants back on, I slide the condom off myself and roll down the window to toss it. Since I didn't take my pants all the way off, I just button the hole in my boxers that I pulled myself through and zip my pants back up. "…So what's your number? I'll call you." I lie to her again. I'm not going to call her. I'll probably never talk to this chick again. But I'd rather lie and say that I'LL call her instead of giving her my number and having her harassing me. She spits out a random ten digits at me and I pretend to recite them back to myself, acting like I'm trying not to forget them. I'm not going to call this girl. I wasn't even horny; I just screwed her for the hell of it.

I only halfway listen to her tell me what a great time she had, how amazing I was, how good it felt… I don't really care. She gives me an unrequited kiss on my lips and gets out of my car. I seal the box of condoms back up and shove them inside the glove compartment, where I always keep them. I always have condoms in my car. Always. I slide over and part my legs to get back in the driver's seat and start the car again. I don't know why girls have to make sex such a big deal. I don't know why they're not like us men. Why can't they just lie on their backs, take it for an hour or two, get up and go home? Why do they always have to get the emotions involved? You have sex with a chick and all of a sudden, she thinks that you're going to marry her. I don't get it.

I press my foot on the gas pedal and speed on out of the parking lot of the bar. I don't know where the girl went and I really don't care. I need to get back to the store and close up.

**X X X **

I've had a pretty long day. I'm ready to go home, shower and go to bed. I lock my car doors and pull the door open to the shop. On the counter is a black, zip-up jacket, an outdated but pristine iPhone 4, a bottle of water and a cheetah print wallet. The little skinny thing is standing at the register counting money. I can't remember her name for the life of me. I stand back and watch her for a second though. Her forehead is wide but it suits her naturally full face. Her eyebrows are thin but very full and they match her wide forehead. Her nose sticks out just a little bit but again, it suits her. Her lips are very pink and very full and while she's counting, I can see that while her bottom teeth are just a little bit crooked, they're pretty straight. Her hair is out and resting around her chest. I didn't know her hair was that long. She always has it pulled back in a ponytail. When she's done counting the money, she looks up at me. "Oh… hello." She has a really sweet voice. "I was just counting my drawer… $57." I just roll my eyes. She talks entirely too much though. Why can't she be like the guy that works here? He knows how to shut the hell up.

"Yeah, yeah." I wave my hand at her to shut her up and grab the inventory book off the counter. I check it to see everything that she's sold today, to make sure it all adds up to be the $57 she's talking about. Yeah, $57 seems to be about right. I close the book and put it back. "You're off tomorrow." I tell her. She wrinkles her brow at me, questioning what I mean but not sure if she should talk since I practically told her to shut up a couple minutes ago. "I've got maintenance coming tomorrow morning to fix some stuff up around here." I mumble. "So you and the other guy are off tomorrow…with pay." Another thing I pride myself in is the fact that I'm really not selfish. I mean, I can be pretty selfish sometimes but I'm not that bad with it. I'm pretty good with reasoning. I realize that it's not really her or the guy's fault that this place is falling apart so I'll give them the day off with pay tomorrow.

"…Thank you." Her eyes get really big.

"Don't mention it." I wave my hand at her again and start looking around at the things I told maintenance to fix. As much as I hate being at this place, I do love it. It's sort of my family heirloom, you know? I can't do much for the foundation and the fact that this place is practically falling apart, but I'm going to do my best to make sure it's as best as it can be. My dad wouldn't want this place to go down like this. He put his blood, sweat and tears into making this place become what it is. I'm going to take care of it for as long as I can. "You can go now. I'll close." I say to her.

Without a word, she grabs all her stuff off the counter and goes towards the door. I don't ever see her driving a car when I think about it. If I didn't know that she only lives right upstairs, I'd offer to take her home. It's dark outside and even though she's the most annoying person I've ever come across, she's jailbait, for various reasons. A girl like her walking home alone in the dark can only have horrible consequences. But she only lives in the apartment upstairs, so I'll let her walk. "…Sorry to bother you again, b—"

"Then don't bother me." I snap at her. She's so very annoying. If she says she's sorry about bothering me, then why does she insist on BOTHERING me? She seems taken aback by my snapping. Her cheeks are red and she's biting her lip. "What do you want? I said you could go the hell home."

"…I just…" She tucks her hair behind her ear and bites her lip some more. "There's a hole…in my ceiling. It rained this morning and all my stuff got wet… I didn't realize it was there until this morning. I had to move my bed over and put a bucket underneath of it." I raise my eyebrow at her. She's telling me this like I give a damn.

"What are you telling me for?"

"Well…you're my landlord, aren't you?" She folds her arms across her chest and looks at me like she's expecting something from me.

"You knew the building was old when you moved in it." That's the truth. I remember letting her tour the place a week before she decided to move in it. I had Buck take care of it. I made sure he told her how old the place was. I made him tell her about everything so it's not my fault if the ceiling is leaking. I told her about all the issues and she still chose to move in. Not my issue. She's still standing in front of me with her arms folded and her face like I've just slapped her. "Anything else you want? Why the hell are you still standing there?"

"…I'm trying to figure out if you're really as callous, heartless and shallow as you seem." Her sweet voice turns sour. If looks could kill, I would've dropped dead by now. She looks like she wants to kill me. "I don't know why I do this to myself. I keep thinking maybe you'll be nice to me someday but I'm wrong. I keep thinking that maybe I'll get a little bit of lenience from you…you know, considering the fact that I'm living in an apartment…YOUR apartment, by the way, with NO power because I can't afford it. But no, that's not your fault, is it? That's really not your fault, it's mine. But the thing that IS your fault, you don't give a damn about. Damn the fact that I got RAINED on this morning in your apartment." She's so steaming mad. "You know what? I used to think there was some good in everybody, but…" She shakes her head. "You proved me wrong." She turns around to leave the building. I put my tongue in my cheek.

"Hey!" I call after her. She keeps walking. "HEY!" I scream again.

She whips around fast. "I know… I'm fired. You don't have to say it." She holds her hands up. "I'd rather be poor than work for you."

"I wasn't gonna say that." I shake my head at her. I reach in my pocket and grab my wallet. I don't usually keep cash on me so I probably don't have much. But I open up my wallet anyway and pull out the four twenty dollar bills I have in there. I don't know what's wrong with me. Usually, I don't give a damn if people think that I'm heartless or whatever. But I'm just a little bit offended that she just said that to me. I feel…bad? "It's not much, but…" I fold up the eighty dollars and outstretch my hand to give it to her, waiting for her to take it. I'm not callous. I'm a generous guy. She really can't find any good in me? "Hope it helps." I mumble.

"Keep it." She shoves my hand away with hers. "I don't need your charity." Her voice is softer but it's still not that sweet tone she had before. She looks away from me and I can sort of tell that she's embarrassed to have blown up on me like that. "Goodnight Alex." I raise my eyebrows. She remembers my name? That's nice. I don't know hers though. She turns around to leave again.

I wish I knew her name but I think it'd be rude if I asked her. "Hey." Since I don't know her name, that's what I go with. She turns around. "…You work at 8:00 on Thursday." I say that just so she subtly knows that she's not fired. "…And I'll get somebody to take a look at that leak."

"Thank you." She nods once and turns around, for the third time, to leave. I let her go this time.


	5. Pieces

**A/N:** So, there will be a couple flashbacks in this chapter. If they're hard to follow, just read the author's note at the end. I'll clear it up.

* * *

"Alright, ma." I hold my phone up to my ear with my shoulder while I look down at my car keys in my hand. I fumble around with them to find my house key. "I'm doing alright...how're you doing?" I put my house key inside the lock and twist it. I listen to her as she tells me how nice her life in Kansas is. She tells me about the seventeen year old sister I have that just graduated high school last week. I've never met her but her name is Amber. The last time I spent a Christmas or a Thanksgiving holiday with my mom, Amber was a year old. I don't remember her and she sure as hell doesn't remember me so I'm just going to say that I never met her. A few years back before pop died, I used to resent the fact that my mom went off and got married and had another kid that she was there for. She's the picture-perfect wife to Daniel, her new husband, and she's the best mother ever to Amber. It really used to piss me off when I'd think about the fact that she's off in Kansas, living the domestic life with her new family. But pop talked me out of that quickly. He told me that I can't get mad at my mom for that because she's older now and I guess he was right. She's older now and she was ready to commit herself to a lasting marriage. She wasn't ready back when she was 20. "Lemme know how much Amber needs for books…I'll send some money down." I walk inside my house.

I don't know Amber from Adam. I don't know anything about her, I don't know what she looks like, I don't know what she likes, I don't know what she's going to college for. But still and yet, she IS my sister. Last time I checked, my mom worked in a hospital as a secretary and her husband is a teacher at an elementary school down there in Kansas. They don't make much money and I know firsthand how expensive college stuff can be. I'll send some money down to pay for Amber's books, at least. "Yeah, don't mention it." On the other end of the phone, it sounds like she might be crying. She's thanking me. "Just let me know how much everything is and I'll get it to you." I stand beside my door and look at the time. "I'm gonna go 'head and go now, ma. I got some things I gotta do." She starts gushing about how much she loves me. "Love you too, ma."

I hang up the phone and put it back inside my pocket. My mom is the only woman on this earth that I love. I lock the back door behind myself and toss my keys on the counter next to my stove. I take my sneakers off on the rug next to the door and pad through my kitchen, over to my fridge in my socks. I'm behind schedule because I just spent the last hour doing nothing, riding around town in my car. I could've been home by 9:30. I could've taken a shower and eaten already. I could be sitting in my office on my computer, losing myself in my work. Instead, I'm just now walking through the door at 10:45. I'm starving, I need to bathe and I really don't have the power to write anything in me. I'd rather just go to sleep for the night and spend hours on the computer tomorrow. The store is closed due to maintenance tomorrow so I don't have any interruptions. I don't have to open or close so I can just spend all my time tomorrow getting these five chapters done. Honestly, writing isn't an option tonight. My stomach is empty and my mind is full, and when my stomach is empty and my mind is full, I can't do anything. I went for an hour long drive around town just to clear my head and it didn't work. It usually works when I do that, but the things on my mind are too heavy to be cleared at the moment.

I used to blame my mom for everything. I used to blame her for the reason my parents split. I blamed her for the reason my dad never found love again. I blamed her for the reason my life turned out as crappy as it is. I blamed my mom for totally distorting my reality. That's why I look up to my pop so much. He never said a bad word about my mother to me and I admire that about him. He taught me to never trash talk my mother and he taught me that I should still respect her because none of any of this is her fault. He insists that they weren't compatible and that's nobody's fault. He's the one that taught me how to cope with my ill feelings towards her. He told me that every time I was feeling like I hated her, pick up the phone and call her. And talk to her for at least ten minutes. He said that it'd make me feel better and it really did. I still use that tactic, hence the reason I called her tonight in the first place. I got called callous and shallow and heartless tonight and for some reason, I blamed my mom for that. I just feel like… why is it okay for girls to treat men like crap but the second a guy treats a girl like crap, he's a douchebag? He's ruining the family? That calls for a divorce? I'm not shallow I just don't see the double standards.

I turn off the light in my kitchen and go upstairs. Normally, when I go upstairs, I make it a point to look at the picture hanging on the wall right next to the steps. But for some reason, tonight I can't bring myself to look at that picture. I just don't feel like the person in the picture is me anymore. Every time I look at the picture, I can still see myself. I find myself in the cheerful kid with a bowl cut and goofy little ears. I recognize the wide, honest, gap-toothed grin and I'm able to remember how it felt to have his arms around my ankles, holding me so I wouldn't fall off his shoulders. I don't feel like I'm the same kid on pop's shoulders anymore. I open the door to my bathroom and flip the light on. I start my shower water and take my clothes off. I'm still stuck trying to figure out what's so different about tonight. I know why my mind's been so messed up since 9:00 tonight but I don't know why it took that to mess me up when I usually don't give a damn. I slide the glass door back and step inside my shower. The water initially burns my skin but it's not long before I get used to it.

Can I blame my mom for anything? I know pop said it's not right to place any blame on her but some of this has got to be her fault, right? How about the fact that she was never here to show me exactly how to love a woman? Pop tried but I don't think it had the same effect as it would've had if she were here to actually show me. Can I blame her for that? How about the fact that the little bit about women that she did show me, consisted of that women are cheaters and when men cheat, they're the scorned ones? Can she be blamed for that? Some of this has got to be her fault, right? I love her to death and I'd do anything in this world for my mom, but she has to take some blame for screwing me up. She made me the way I am. She made me a player. She never showed me the way a functional relationship should be. She even made me a liar…I haven't been able to forget about it to this day.

"_HE'S NINE YEARS OLD, HELEN! IN WHAT WORLD SHOULD A NINE YEAR OLD HAVE TO WITNESS THAT? IN WHAT WORLD SHOULD A MAN HAVE TO FIND OUT FROM HIS SON?" They think I'm sleeping but I'm not. I'm never sleeping. Who could sleep when they're yelling at each other like this? I shouldn't be sitting at the top of the steps like I am right now but I always do. They never know that I'm listening. I'm a real good pretender. Pop says I should be a poker player 'cause I got a good poker face. "YOU DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT HIM! YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN SO DAMN SELFISH! IF YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT ME AND MY FEELINGS, AT LEAST THINK ABOUT ALEX AND HIS FEELINGS! HOW DO YOU THINK IT FELT FOR HIM TO WALK IN ON HIS MOTHER LIKE THAT?!" Don't be so hard on her, pop. It's my fault. I was upstairs and she told me to stay downstairs and plus, I wasn't even supposed to tell you. I was supposed to be playing the quiet game and I blew it. Don't yell at her so much._

"_DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I DON'T LOVE MY SON, JIMMY! I DO EVERTYHING FOR THAT LITTLE BOY! WHO DO YOU THINK SITS HERE AND DOES ALL THE COOKING, THE CLEANING, THE HOUSEWORK?! ALL YOU DO IS WORK ALL DAY LONG! I'M ALWAYS WITH HIM! YOU DO NOTHING BUT WORK! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'M ALWAYS HELPING HIM WITH HIS HOMEWORK, MAKING SURE HE TAKES A BATH, PLAYING WITH HIM! I'M A MOTHER TO HIM ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'RE NOT A FATHER WHEN YOU'RE WORKING ALL THE TIME!" No, it's okay. I like things this way. I like hanging out with you all the time, ma. It's fun to eat the cookie dough you make and I like it when you let me beat you in Super Mario Brothers. It's okay. Don't yell at pop for not being here. It's okay that he's not here. "I'M SO FED UP, JIMMY! I'M FED UP!"_

"_THEN LEAVE! NOBODY'S FORCING YOU TO BE HERE!" Hey, no. I don't want her to go. She can stay. You guys always yell at each other but that's okay. Nobody has to leave. Nobody has to go anywhere. I'll be a good boy from now on. I won't intentionally miss when I go pee anymore. I'll listen. I'll be good. Nobody has to leave. I like things like this. "YOU'RE TOTALLY FORGETTING ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE __**SAW **__YOU! DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT THAT FACT? THAT YOUR NINE YEAR OLD SAW YOU?" I hear the door open up that keeps the plates inside. "AND YEAH, I ALWAYS WORK! I WORK TO MAKE SURE WE CAN LIVE COMFORTABLY! YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ANYTHING, HELEN! YOU DON'T APPRECIATE ME! I WORK SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! I WORK SO YOU CAN STAY HOME WITH HIM!" I hear a big boom, followed by the sound of broken glass. "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT FED UP?! I DO EVERYTHING TO KEEP YOU HAPPY!" More big booms and glass. Don't break stuff guys. Don't do that. "YOU CAN LEAVE!"_

"_THEN I WILL! I'M GONE! SAY NO MORE!" It sounds like ma's crying. I guess she's sad that pop told her to leave. She doesn't have to leave though. She can stay. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" I hear footsteps coming my way, so I stand up off the step I'm sitting on and run my fastest back to my room. This is all my fault. I'm the one that got pop mad at ma. She told me not to tell but I told anyway and now they're fighting again. They fight a lot and sometimes it's hard to go to sleep at night when they fight but pop's never told ma she had to leave. I shut my bedroom door and get back in bed fast. I pull my covers up to my neck and close my eyes to act like I've been sleep all along. If someone comes up here, they're gonna know I wasn't sleep. I'm not supposed to sleep in my dinosaur footie pajamas but it's too risky to get back outta bed and change them now. What did I do? This is my fault. I should've just played the quiet game and shut my mouth up. _

_I got home from school today and I got an A on my spelling test. I never get As on my spelling tests. I get lots of As on my math tests but I never ever get As on my spelling. Ma helped me practice for my test last night too so I could get an A on the test today and I did it! I even knew how to spell "delicious." That was the hardest word and I spelled it right! I just wanted to show mama how I got an A but she wasn't in the kitchen like she usually is when I get off the bus. So I went upstairs to look for her and I knocked on her and pop's door because it was closed. She came out. Her hair was messy and she looked kind of sweaty but she was probably napping. I showed her my A and she was so happy. She gave me a kiss and a hug and told me that she was proud and we could get ice cream, but she told me that I had to go downstairs for a little while. So she went back inside the room and shut the door again and I went downstairs again. But I had to pee a couple minutes after that so I went back upstairs. But I kinda heard something and it scared me so I put my ear to the door. It kinda sounded like someone was hurting her so I just opened the door a little bit and poked my head inside. She saw me and I shut the door again and hurried up and went to the bathroom. But she came back out and found me again and she told me that I had to play the quiet game and not tell pop. I told her I wouldn't._

_But I did. Pop took me out for ice cream to celebrate my A and he asked me how my day was. I told him it was good but I accidentally said that somebody was hurting ma but that was an accident. He kept asking me what I meant and I was always told not to lie to pop or ma. So I didn't lie and I told him what happened and what I saw and now I'm the reason they're yelling at each other. All because I couldn't play the quiet game. My bedroom door opens up and the light from the hallway comes in. I keep my eyes closed like I'm sleeping though. "…Ally." Ma's voice is kind of loud but I act like I'm sleeping still. She's probably so mad at me. She's probably going to tell me that I can't have videogames. She told me not to tell and I told. It's my fault. She sits down on my bed. "I know you're up, buddy. I know you were listening." She knows? I open up my eyes. "Were you listening?" I nod my head. She grabs my arms and pulls me up into a hug. "Sorry you had to hear that, lovey." She puts her hand on my back and the other hand on my head. "I'm sorry you heard that." She kisses my head. "I want you to do me a favor, though. Can you do me a favor, buddy?" I nod my head. I'll do anything to make it up to you, ma. I'm the one that told. "…Mommy's gonna have to go away for a little while." She's crying. "Just for a little while…for a week or so. I promise I won't be gone long." _

"…_Don't go, mommy." I hold onto her like she's my lifeline. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave. Her and pop yell all the time. Why does she have to leave this time? "You and pop are okay. You always are."_

"_Not this time, Ally…not this time." She starts rubbing my hair and she squeezes my body against hers tighter. "Not this time, buddy."_

"…_If I do something bad, you said you'd still love me… you said it's like the big bad and the little bad. I did something bad but you're going away…" I rub my eyes because they're wet. "Is this the big bad?"_

"_It's not your fault, honey." She gives me a tighter hug. "I still love you with all my heart and that will never change, buddy. I love you. Remember what I told you about how some people just don't like each other and that's okay, as long as they stay away from each other?" I nod my head. "It's like that. Sometimes mommies and daddies just don't like each other anymore and that's okay. That's not anybody's fault. It's especially not Alex's fault, so don't think that." _

"…_But I told. You told me to lie. You told me sometimes lying is okay but I didn't. I told. That was a big bad."_

"_Forget what I said. Just remember that…" She puts her forehead against mine and looks at my eyes. "Mommy always wants the best for you. But mommy isn't always right." She kisses my nose. "I'll be back. I'm just leaving for a little while. You have to be good for me though. Be good. And listen to daddy. Listen to him, lovey."_

"_Don't go..."_

I guess that's not her fault though, right? I'm not supposed to blame my mother for anything. I'm not supposed to harbor anymore hatred for her. I'm not supposed to feel any resentment towards her. She taught me to lie at nine years old. She taught me that women cheat and then they leave. They don't stay to work out the marriage. They don't apologize for cheating, they just make it seem like it's your fault for working so much. They sneak into your room at god knows what time of the night and hold you while you cry for them not to leave you, then they leave you anyway. Pop told me that it's not her fault and I listen to everything pop ever said to me. So maybe it's not her fault. But she's responsible for a little bit of this, isn't she? I lean forward and turn off the shower water. I wrap a towel around my waist and step out. I never really thought about the part that my mom played in all of this but now that I think about it, the more I realize that it probably all makes sense. If there's anything I learned in my 30 years of being alive so far, it's that life really isn't like a novel. Life isn't a page-turner that I wrote. I don't control anything. It feels pretty damn good to write something I can control though. There's no such thing as divorces if I don't want divorces. There's no such thing as cheating if I don't want there to be cheating. In my books, everybody gets their own happy endings.

This is real life though. And in real life, there is no such thing as a happy ending. I walk back to my bedroom and take my towel off. I dry my body off and toss on a pair of boxer shorts. I pull back the covers on my bed and get between the sheets. To answer her question; no, I'm not as shallow and as callous as I seem. There's a lot more to me than she gets to see. I think she's judging me way too soon because despite what she may think, I do have some good in me. I have a lot of good in me, actually. She just can't see it.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

**Authors from Sioux City, Iowa. **I type into the google search bar and wait for the results to pop up. As always, I can't sleep tonight. I took a shower an hour ago and I ate a slice of French bread pizza that I bought from the store after I got off work tonight. I'm an insomniac, I'm sure of it. I just don't sleep. It's not really a trend of mine, nor is it something I'm proud of. It's more of a characteristic of mine. _Hi I'm Jo Wilson, I'm 23 years old and I'm an insomniac. _I smile to myself at my thoughts and keep waiting for the google results to pop up. You would think that I would at least get decent cell phone service in my house but nope. The only place I get good service is when I'm sitting in the bathroom, on the toilet. But seriously, I'm an insomniac. I don't sleep, I can't ever fall asleep and when I do fall asleep, I have to wake up too soon. On the plus side, I don't have to work tomorrow morning. I can sleep all day if I get the chance to. Finally, the google results pop up on my phone and I scroll through them. There are so many results. I should've known that it wasn't going to be this easy. I mean, Sioux City is only but so big so I thought that maybe the results would be slim if I asked for authors from Sioux City but nope. Did you know there are about 150 authors from Sioux City, Iowa? For god's sake, I don't think I'm asking for much. I just want to read one of his books. All I want to know is his pseudonym so I can go check them out.

He really is a dickhead, excuse my language. But I don't think that somebody like him can possibly write ROMANCE novels. Romance novels… where a girl and a boy fall in love, love each other and get married. Romance novels…like what Nicholas Sparks writes. I've seen The Notebook, Safe Haven, The Last Song, Dear John and The Vow. It doesn't seem to me that he's the type that would even LIKE the same genre as Nicholas Sparks. _Or maybe he writes romance books where the guy turns out to be a freaking rapist. I could see him being an evil sadist deep down inside. _I start scrolling through the list of authors from Sioux City and look for something that might allude to someone named "Alex." _Peggy Babcock, Ann Plymouth, Christian Parker, Elizabeth Sue, Michael Evans… yeah, none of this is helping me. _Maybe he hides his identity on purpose. Maybe nobody knows his pen name because he doesn't want them to. Maybe he keeps it a secret on purpose, because he doesn't want people coming up to him and knowing that he's the author of their favorite book or whatever. _Yeah right. He'd love the attention. _

I exit out of my google app on my phone and roll over on my side. I wonder what made him so mean. Something had to have happened in his life to make him so cruel. People aren't just naturally that rude to people, you know? I mean, some people are just bullies. Some people are mean and some people are just bullies. But he's an exception. He is just downright cruel. Something had to have happened to him to make him that way because there's nobody in this world that is that mean. I'm not just overly sensitive, either. I've dealt with lots of mean people, lots of people that didn't like me. But I've never dealt with somebody like him before. The worst I've ever dealt with (aside from him) is these girls in my fifth grade class that thought my hair was fake. I was the new girl in class because it was around the time that I first started staying with Karen and Bill. They tried to pay me three dollars to cut a piece of it off to compare it to yarn but I wouldn't let them. They beat me up in the bathroom at lunch time for saying no. I think I mentioned before that I was an outsider at school when I was little and I really mean it. I was such an outsider. It took me years to make friends. I don't know why I've been thinking about Karen and Bill so much lately but I have. And I remember so vividly what happened when I came home that day.

_I'm too scared to go home. I'm going to get in a lot trouble. I got a note sent home on the very first day. I haven't even gone here a week and I'm already getting notes sent home! They're going to make me leave again. I sigh and walk to the car parked at the place she dropped me off this morning. I look different from this morning. This morning, I had on a pretty black glittery skirt and a pink sweatshirt with ballerina slippers on the front. My skirt is messed up and my shirt is dirty now. I have a lot of rips in my tights. My hair was done in two braids with pink bows at the bottoms and my bows aren't there no more. I pull open the car door and climb inside. Straight away, I hand her the note the teacher sent home. She doesn't even open it right away. "Sweetie, what happened?" She touches where my bows are supposed to be. "Your tights are all ripped…did you fall down the stairs?" I shake my head. "You wanna talk about it?" I shake my head again. She starts ripping open the note and reads it out loud. "Mrs. Wilson, Josephine had an incident today with three girls in the bathroom. She refused to speak when spoken to and punched a little girl in the arm. Please call to schedule a conference about her behavior." I look down. "Did you punch somebody, Jo?"_

"…_They pulled my hair." I try to explain my side of the story. The teacher didn't let me explain. "They pulled my hair in the bathroom and pushed me to the garbage can. They tried to cut off my hair and they hit me. Then they made fun of me 'cause I can't say my r's right. They gave me three dollars to cut my hair off."_

"_They did what?"_

"_Don't make me leave. I'm sorry. I'll behave. I promise." My eyes are crying. "I didn't mean to."_

"_Come on." She puts the car in park and opens the door up. I listen to her and open up my door. I get out of the car with her and she grabs ahold of my hand. "I'm not going to let you get bullied. You go to school to learn and you should be able to learn in a safe, comfortable environment. This isn't going to happen again." She sounds really mad. She holds my hand and drags me back into the school. "You're not in any trouble, Jo."_

"_I'm not?"_

"_No. Nobody has the right to make you feel inferior without your permission, sweetie. Nobody is ever allowed to make you feel like you're less than yourself. You have just as much right to be there as those other girls. You hear me?"_

"_Yes."_

Thinking back at it, I don't think Karen really went about that the right way. I mean sure, she showed me that nobody has the right to make me feel inferior without my permission. That was a valuable life lesson and I still live by that motto to this day. She didn't really punish me for punching the girl that day so maybe that was a mistake that she made, but for what it's worth, I always got that I wasn't supposed to hit. I learned that fighting wasn't the answer. But more importantly, every time someone says something to me, I always run that back in my head. Nobody can make me feel inferior without my permission. Nobody is ever allowed to make me feel less than myself. I said that to myself tonight when Alex was being his normal douchebag self towards me. I'm well aware that I could've gotten fired for smart-mouthing him the way I did, but I go by what my mother taught me.

I roll back over on my other side again and sigh. I'm determined to find out his story. I really want to know exactly why he is the way that he is. I don't think it's really his personality. I really believe that deep down inside, there is some good in him. I don't think he's that heartless. I think it's just an act. And I'm determined to find out exactly why he feels the need to act like a giant jerk all the time. He's like a mystery; a puzzle that I desperately want the pieces to. I want to put him together, to solve him like a Rubik's cube. But to put someone together, you have to have the pieces. I don't have the pieces of the puzzle yet. I'm going to get the pieces though. I'm going to get the pieces and I'm going to find out why he has this guard up.

What is he protecting himself from?

* * *

**A/N:** Throughout this story, there will be a lot of flashbacks. The flashbacks are essential to the story because part of the theme of this story is to take a look at how the childhoods morphed Alex and Jo into the people they are in the present tense. Some of the flashbacks may be boring, but I know some of you really like the flashbacks sometimes. There won't be a crapton of flashbacks, just enough to make it clear about the things that affected Jo and Alex and made them into the people they are. I thought it would be interesting to explore just how much a person's childhood can affect their psyche.

So about Alex, I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS GOT WHAT I'M GOING FOR. I intended to make you guys think of Alex as unbearable and horrible and I did it! lol. Now you know he won't stay that way. Alex has a very layered personality in this story. It takes a lot to break down his walls. I'm going for the whole "tough guy exterior, but when you get to know him, he's a softie". So he's horrible right now and he's gonna be horrible for a couple more chapters but believe me, it'll be worth the wait.

In this story, Alex's mind is a little messed up from his broken home. As a child, he walked in on his mom cheating on his father and he was told to lie about it. He listened to his parents argue then his mom left in the middle of the night. That might not seem like a big deal for now, but throughout the story and through flashbacks, it'll become very clear as to why Alex acts the way he does, specifically towards women. Like Jo said, this is gonna come in pieces. Him witnessing his mom cheating is just one little piece of his puzzle.


	6. Pay It Forward

"_Tighten your grip around the bat…choke up a little." From behind the netting, he calls out to me. I adjust the brim of my helmet and squeeze the bat tighter. I fix my stance and lift my elbow just a little bit. I bite the bottom of my lip and glare at the hole that the ball's gonna come out of. I don't like baseball enough to play it in school, but when I'm having a rough day, there's no place in the world I'd rather be than here at the cages with pop. "All I'm saying is that I thought you had a right to know, Alex. You know I wouldn't tell you something if I didn't think it was important for you to know." He feeds the ball into the pitching machine and with one quick swing, I crush it back at him. I've been known to have quite the temper sometimes. Somehow, pop always seems to know how to control me though. If I'm pissed, he takes me to the cages to hit or to the gym to lift. He'd rather have me let my anger out constructively than break something because believe me, I can break something when I'm pissed. "At some point you were going to have to find out. I'd rather you hear from me." He feeds another ball in the machine and I swing and crush it again._

"_I just think it's a load of bullshit." I keep my eye on this third ball and swing again. I hit it but not as hard as I wanted to. "She could've stayed and made it work… no, she goes to Kansas…" I grunt when I hit this next one and take out a bunch of anger. "…Finds a new man… has a new baby…actually makes it work this time around." I swing again. "All I'm saying is that…" Swing. "If she doesn't give a rat's ass about me, she doesn't have to act like she does. She can keep the… Christmas presents…birthday presents…" I crush the last ball in the bucket and take my helmet off. "Why can she make it work with them but not us?" I start picking up all the balls scattered in the cage with pop. "I hate her for it…"_

"_Don't you ever say you hate your mother…you hear me?" He stops picking up balls for a moment and puts his hand on my shoulder. "You never talk bad about your mother." He looks me dead in my eyes and I look at him the same. I kind of wish he never told me any of this. I was already a little ticked off a couple years back when he told me that my mom got remarried. I'm livid, hearing that she just had another baby with the guy. She's in Kansas living with her new family when she has me, her thirteen year old son that she could've made it work with. "I know you hear me say some things about your mother that aren't the greatest… but that doesn't give you the right to repeat them. You never talk bad about your mother." I look away from him. "Alexander." He uses my full name, so I look back at him again. Pop's one of those guys that just demands respect. I respect the hell outta him. "Your mother wasn't the greatest, you know that. But men don't ever talk down about their mothers. You have nothing but the utmost respect for that woman. Understand me?" I nod my head. "Now help me pick up these balls. It's getting late… I'm thinking Pizza Hut for dinner."_

The sound of my cell phone ringing breaks through my unconscious dreams. I don't know about you, but I'm not usually one of those people that can remember their dreams upon waking up. I can wake up quickly and within the instant, I won't remember exactly what it was that I was having dreams about. Like I just woke up and I don't know what I was dreaming about. I lift my head off my pillow and find that I made a drool spot. Whatever it was that I was dreaming about must've been pretty good. I don't drool unless I'm sleeping very well. I wipe the side of my face with the back of my hand and intuitively reach over on my nightstand to where I always leave my phone at to charge overnight. Before I answer it, I glance at the clock on my nightstand too. It's 5:35 in the morning. Who the hell is calling me at 5:30 in the morning? Stifling a big, wide yawn, I finally take a peek at the caller ID. It's Jerry. I slide my finger across the screen and lazily put it to my ear. "This…had better be so freaking good, Jerry…" My voice is just barely audible.

"Do you think I'd be calling you if it wasn't?" He retorts. I just put my head back down and try my hardest to stay awake. "I need you to get out of bed and go to your computer. Right now. Right now, Alex. Right now." I obnoxiously grunt into the phone so he knows that I'm none too pleased with his directions. I'd really rather do anything than get out of bed right now. It's literally 5:30 in the morning right now. Whatever it is that he has to tell me could have waited another three or four hours. He couldn't have possibly thought it was a good idea to call and wake me up at 5:30 in the morning. "This can't wait, Alex. I need you to get on the computer RIGHT now. This is not a joke." I sigh and roll over. I put my feet down on the carpet of my room and feel my legs crack as I stand up. Tiredly, I stalk out of the room and down the hallway, rubbing my eyes along the way. "I really think you need to reconsider this whole thing, Alex. The idea is brilliant…genius almost, but you really need to cool it. We need to sit down and really think this over." He sounds like he's in a panic. I finally make my way to my office and turn on the dimmest light I have in the room.

"Alright…" I say through a yawn. "I'm at a computer, now what?" I pull out the swivel chair to my desk and sit down. I open up my laptop and turn it on. As soon as the home screen pops up, I see in the corner beside my "start" menu that I have 7,050 new, unread emails. I didn't have this many when I laid down and went to sleep for the night. Something's wrong. Something really isn't right. "Jerry, what the hell happened?" All of a sudden, I'm awake. I'm not even groggy with sleep. I'm wide awake, completely alert and just a little bit worried. I immediately click on my email icon. "My email is blowing up." I click the "refresh" button and now I have 7,189 unread emails. "My emails are going up by the minute." I click on my inbox and read some previews.

"You submitted the prologue, that's what happened." By the sound of it, Jerry's on a computer as well. "Alex, I'm on the front page of MSN and there's a write up. I just read one off the front page of Yahoo! This is bad. You should really reconsider." I'm listening to what he's saying but I'm also reading my emails to myself. _"How DARE you make a mockery out of a five year old's rape! How do you plan on turning this into something worth my time?" "You're gonna regret this!" "Fatal error made". _"You submitted the prologue and somehow…I don't know how, but SOMEHOW, an excerpt of it leaked online. They know it's set in Sioux City. They know it's in Sioux City, they know YOU'RE from Sioux City…This has potential to get bad."

Still listening to him, I click on my internet browser and go immediately to Yahoo!'s front page. Sure enough, it's there. _New York Times Bestselling Author Michael A. Evans New Novel Takes Place In Nonfictional Iowa Town. _I click on it. "So now what? So now what do we do? Do we pull it? Do we pull my proposal? What's next, Jerry?" I start reading over the article with my eyes. _New York Times' Bestselling Author, Michael A. Evans intends to really pack a punch with new novel. In an all-new, exclusive excerpt allegedly leaked from the author's new novel, __In Broad Daylight__, expected to hit shelves in the winter of 2015, Evans depicts the backstory of a brutal, heinous crime committed c. 1995 in the small town of Sioux City, Iowa. [download excerpt here] The basis for the novel lies solely on the sexual assault, molestation, rape and eventual murder of five year old Annette King. _"I need you to tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do now, Jerry. How the hell did they get ahold of the excerpt in the first place?"

"I don't know. I have no idea. When I submitted it, I made sure everybody knew how confidential it was. I even attached a note with it. I have no idea how anybody got ahold of it." He goes silent for a moment and so do I, but because I'm reading. Call me crazy, but I'm still thinking about ways I could go about writing this. I don't want to just pull this idea and start fresh when I've already invested a lot of my time into writing this one. I don't want to just pull it and forget about it, but the more I sit here and read this article the more I'm beginning to realize that maybe pulling it is the right decision. "I think it's best if you lay low for a little while." As if he can see me, I nod my head. I'm just too focused on this article. _I'm going to have to pull it. _And mirroring my thoughts, Jerry expresses that he feels the same. "We'll have to pull the release, we'll have to pull the proposal. I'll draft up a statement to release…we can always say that the excerpt is a lie. You need to lay low…act normal for a while. Don't do anything to draw attention to yourself until this blows over. They're angry… I'm sure you know that by now. The people of Sioux City are outraged over this and it needs to blow over. I think you should lay low. It's only a matter of time before they realize who you are. Hopefully by the time they figure it all out, it'll be long over. Until then, just lay low."

"You don't think anything's going to happen though?" I finish reading the article and click out of the internet. It basically tried to paint me out to be the bad guy for drawing inspiration from something like the rape and murder of a five year old. The entire article was speculating that I must be from Sioux City because the case of Little Annie didn't get much national attention, and the only people that have a strong connection to the case are the citizens of Sioux City. That is correct though, I have to admit. It's not like the Little Annie case was nationwide or nationally recognized. The only people that ever even knew that Little Annie existed are the ones that live here in Sioux City. So maybe that was my first mistake, writing about a case that only the people of the town I live in would recognize. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. This is bad. This is very, very, very bad. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen. The excerpt getting released is the worst possible thing that could've happened. I knew that if people read something too soon, they would just see it one way and they wouldn't even give it a chance. They would see it as I'm "making a mockery" out of what happened and that's not the case. They'd have to read the whole thing to see that it was never my intention to make a mockery out of this. But now that they got a glimpse of the excerpt and they have it in their minds that the book will be horrible and now they're not even going to give it a chance.

Not to mention that this is the EXACT thing I was afraid of happening. I don't publish under my real name for a REASON. I don't tell people my fake name for a REASON. I try to keep my identity a secret for a REASON. I don't need people at my doorstep asking for autographs or book signings. I don't want people to show up at my doorstep pissed off because I wrote something that they don't like. This is the exact reason I don't publish under my real name, this is the exact reason I don't ever let anybody know where I live, this is exactly why I didn't want anybody to know who I am. And now, they're going to know. They're going to know that I'm from Sioux City and it's only going to be a matter of time before they figure out my identity. Knowing that I'm from Sioux City really narrows it down. I run my hands through my hair and sigh, just thinking about how I could fix this. I'm not mad at Jerry bit I can't listen to him talk anymore while I'm this stressed out. I hang up the phone and put it down on my desk.

I don't think anything is going to come of this. The fact that people are mad that I would write about something like this, I mean. I don't think anything's going to happen from it but the thing I'm most concerned about is that people are about to know who I am. I'm very concerned about that fact. I guess I'll just wait and see if all of this passes over. It's going to pass over but I'm not sure how long it's going to take to pass over. Until it goes away, I guess I'll just listen to Jerry. I'll let him take care of the professional aspect because that's his job. It's his job to keep my image professional. I'll wait and see what kind of statement he releases and I'll take it from there. For now, I guess I should start brainstorming for another idea for a new novel. I don't know about what's going to happen with all of this but I do know that this book is getting pulled. I sigh and slide my chair out. I kick my chair back in, snatch my phone up and leave my office. I should just resign. I really should just give up writing. I'm not even sure if it's worth it anymore.

**X X X **

Acting "normal" like Jerry advised me to do is turning out to be surprisingly easy. It's not like I ever really acted like I was famous in the first place, but I admit that there were some things that I just never had time to do before. I decided to take a break from writing so that really freed up a lot of my time and I'm kind of enjoying acting like a "normal" guy. After the conversation I had this morning with Jerry, I went back to sleep and woke up around 10:00 in the morning. I ate a couple toaster waffles for breakfast then went upstairs to put on some clothes. I put on workout clothes and went downtown to the gym; a place that I haven't been in a really long time. I worked out for about an hour and a half and I decided to do some grocery shopping, so now I'm here at Walmart. It's actually quite nice to not have to worry about deadlines and chapters. I'm enjoying this break from writing more than I thought I would. Jerry wasn't even the one that told me to take a break from writing; I decided to take a break all on my own. Maybe it's about time I take responsibility for my own career. I should start making all the decisions for myself.

I'm getting to be back around to where I started from. I grab a package of toilet paper and just lay it on top of everything in my shopping cart. My cart is so full that I probably could get away with having two instead of having one that's full of everything. The more I look at all the food and essentials I have in the cart the more I think about the fact that one man should not have this many things. I bought enough food to last me a month and I bought things that I didn't even need right now, like razors and aftershave when I still have a fresh pack of razors and an unopened bottle of aftershave at the house. I guess you can never have more than of something though. I don't really listen much to anything my mom ever said to me, but I do capitalize on two things she said. One, she told me that she's not always right. And secondly, she told me to always buy in bulk because it's better to have too much of something than to have too little of it. Back when she and pop were happy(ish) and not fighting as much as they were towards the end, ma always used to take me with her on her shopping trips. Grocery shopping was my favorite activity to do with ma. I guess I liked it so much because she would always buy me something for "being her good helper." The only time she didn't buy me a lollipop or a cookie or a toy is when she yelled at me. She never yelled at me ever again after that. She never even laid a finger on me either. Pop was so mad when he found that out but after ma explained, he yelled at me too. I wasn't supposed to scare ma like that, he said.

"_ALEXANDER MICHAEL KAREV, DON'T YOU EVER WALK AWAY FROM ME LIKE THAT! DO YOU HEAR ME?!" Her hands are wrapped around my arms and she's squeezing me, shaking me, yelling in my face. She's eye-to-eye level with me and she has black stuff all over her eyes. She's crying like I cry when I get a shot at the doctors or when pop won't let me get up from the dinner table without eating my carrots. She's mad and I'm scared so I don't look at her. She grabs my cheeks and makes me look at her though. "YOU'RE SEVEN YEARS OLD; DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ANYTHING COULD'VE HAPPENED TO YOU?" She squeezes my arm and stands up. She yanks me out of the front door of the store and ouch. She's hurting me. "I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR HAND ON THE CART AND DON'T LEAVE MY SIGHT!" She raises her hand at me and I flinch away when she smacks me on my butt. Ouch. That stung. She holds my arm up and keeps smacking my butt though. I don't usually cry when I get smacked and stuff but she's really wailing on me today._

"_OW! OW! MOMMY STOP! STOP!" I twist my arm around to get away from her and she finally stops hitting me. I hold my hand over my butt and rub my eyes. I didn't mean to get lost. She just told me that I could get a little toy because I was good today in the store. But she forgot about my toy and she went to the checkout line. She said I could get a toy. So I walked back to the toy section just to pick one out, that's all. I didn't try to get lost. I didn't mean for her to be scared. "I'm sorry mommy." I rub my eyes some more. The tears are tickling my cheeks. "Sorry…"_

_She takes a couple deep breaths like I take at the doctors when they're listening to my back. She bends back down in front of me and holds my hands. Her hands are so much bigger than mine. She told me that someday my hands will be bigger than hers but I don't think she's right. "No, I'm sorry buddy." She sniffs and gives my hands kisses. "I'm sorry. Mommy shouldn't have blown up on you like that." She leans her face down to her shoulder and wipes it off. "You scared me, buddy." She reaches her hand up and ruffles my hair. "I couldn't find you… you scared me. I thought I lost you. You know how scary that was for me?" I nod my head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit you. You forgive me?" I nod again. "…Hug and a kiss." She stretches her arms out to me. I put my arms around her and she hugs me back. She kisses me on my cheek and rubs my back. "Sorry."_

Ma never really ever hit me again after that. Come to think of it, she never really hit me before that, either. I remember that she used to yell at pop all the time about smacking my hands and stuff. She was really against the idea of spankings and stuff and usually, she'd lock me in a room for timeout when I would act up. Ma really didn't believe that spanking was the right way to discipline and for that reason, for the entire ten years she was with me, she was my favorite parent. Pop had no problem smacking me in the mouth or on my hands but every time he would, ma would step in and yell at him for it and I loved her for that. That's why I was so surprised when she actually hit me that day. I never thought she would and she did. For some reason, I was never bothered too much when pop would hit me but when ma did it that one time, I thought my world ended.

Completely wiping the thoughts from my mind, I push my very full shopping cart to the shortest checkout line I could find and start unloading it onto the conveyor belt. I put the separating stick up to separate my items from the lady in front of me's items and grab a pack of gum from the shelves at the checkout. I really am enjoying the fact that I don't have to worry about writing, but I'm a little confused as to what I should do after this. I'm going to go home and put away all my groceries, but what happens after that? I don't plan on writing anything so do I just have free time after that? I keep loading my things onto the belt. I guess I could always go check out what's going on at the shop. I don't have anything else better to do than to sit around my house, so I guess I'll go down to the store and make sure maintenance isn't screwing anything up. Then I'll walk upstairs to her apartment and make sure she's there because I told the maintenance men to go upstairs to patch up the leak when they're done in the shop. Yeah, I guess that's what I'll do when I get out of here and finish putting away my groceries.

After I put all the things I can fit on the belt, I lean against the shopping cart and look around while I wait for it to be my turn to checkout. The lady in front of me is talking to another lady across the walkway from her and both the cashiers are talking as well. The four of them are in a conversation. I don't usually make it a point to eavesdrop on people's conversations, but the four women are talking and gossiping so loud that it'd be hard NOT to hear them. The one in front of me is flipping through a newspaper while she's talking. "It's a shame what people are allowed to pass off these days. I'd like to find out who the jackass is." She flips the newspaper page and I catch a glimpse of the front page. My eyes immediately go to the bold print. _Author to draw inspiration from 10 year old rape, molestation, murder case. _Damn. It's in the papers? Really? I rub my temple with my fingers because I feel a headache coming on. I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well for me. I pretend to be real intrigued by the various magazines hanging on the stand while I'm still tuned into the women's conversation. "My Johnny works down at the mill with Ralph King and he says that the Kings aren't pleased." _The Kings… does she mean the parents of the little girl? _"I don't blame them. I'd cause a riot if somebody was planning to somehow turn my child's murder into some sick, romantic fantasy. There are some real sickos out there in this world."

"And you know they're saying that the guy's from around here." The cashier from across the way chimes in. "I picked up one of his novels before and the thing was brilliantly written. I couldn't put it down, what a page-turner. It appalls me that he could turn from something like that to something like this. I'm telling you the guy might as well skip town because once we catch wind of who the asshole is, life's going to be hell around here for the guy." _This definitely isn't going to end well. _"I'm all for having creative freedom and I respect the arts but there are some things that shouldn't be touched or tapped into."

"Oh, I totally agree with that. I have nothing but respect for the arts and I, myself have picked up one of his books or two. Man's a genius. But he has to have a death wish to write something like that." The lady in front of me starts talking again. "It's so crazy to think that the guy walks among us. He lives here in Sioux City, how did we not know?" She puts the newspaper down and leans across the way like she's about to whisper. "You know, I bet it's that accountant from downtown. He's always so quiet and sneaky." _Nope, not the accountant. Try the store owner. _I just push the thoughts from my mind and keep waiting until it's my turn to checkout. I'm just not going to worry about this until I have to worry about it. People can talk all they want.

I just know this isn't going to end well for me though.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

_I'm walking down the hallway of my old high school, apparently heading to third period chemistry. Today is no different from any other day this school year. I have first period Spanish, second period public speaking, third period chemistry. I can't put my finger on it, but something actually is very different about today. I clutch my binders against my chest and keep walking up the hallway. No matter where I turn, somebody is pointing. Pointing at me? Staring at me, laughing at me? Why stare? Why laugh? What did I do? Do I have something stuck in my teeth? I discreetly, slowly raise my hand up and scratch at my teeth with my fingernail. Why are people staring at me? I inconspicuously lift my head up and look around. Everyone is pointing at me and laughing. Some guys are whistling at me. I'm finally fed up. I whip around to finally ask everyone what the hell their problem is when I feel it. I feel my hair fling around and touch my chest, but it touches my BARE chest. I feel the end lengths of my hair tickling my boob._

_I take my binders away from my chest and look down. I'm bare butt naked. I don't even have a bra or underwear on, I'm just naked. My boobs are hanging out, my butt is exposed and even my crotch is exposed. I'm naked! I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. My mouth is just open and I'm naked and I'm so embarrassed. I could literally DIE of embarrassment._

My body jolts itself up out of my horrible dream and I open my eyes. I find that I'm still in my bed. I have on my baggy t-shirt and the pair of underwear I put on after I got out of the shower last night. My hair is out and sweaty, hanging down behind my back and I have my blankets all over myself. I'm not naked. _That was just a dream, thank god. _I bring my hands up and rub my eyes free of sleep. I never believed people when they said they had a recurring dream about showing up to school naked. I just had that dream for the first time ever and I have to say that it sucks. "Mmmkay." I mutter to myself and flop back down on my bed. It's still pretty dark in my apartment so I know that it's still early in the morning and I have time to roll back over and go to sleep. I'm actually kind of irritated that I had that dream. I mean, of course, right? I just fell asleep what seems to be a couple hours ago and it's just my luck that I'd have a dream so embarrassing and awful that I had to wake up. Now watch me not be able to fall back asleep again. Just watch.

I roll over on my stomach and burrow my face back inside my pillow. I close my eyes and get comfortable. I start breathing evenly and eventually, I feel myself falling back in that trancelike stage between sleeping and being awake. I'm still just so tired. I told myself that I'd sleep this entire day away since I don't know when the next time I'll have another off day will be. I'm so tired I don't think I'll be okay to function if I get up right now. Just when I'm starting to really give myself over to sleep, the sound of loud, hard knocks rapping my door breaks my unconsciousness again. I lift myself back up and narrow my eyes to see if that noise was really happening or if it was just in my mind from me falling back into another dream. Unfortunately for me, the knocking was real because it's still going on. Grumpily, I pull back my covers and pick myself up out of my comfortable bed. If it's a bill collector, I can't promise that I'll be nice. If it's somebody trying to sell me something, I'll probably be even worse. They should know better than to knock on people's doors at any time in the morning. I hastily stomp over to my door, unlock the regular lock but not the chain-lock and yank it open to see who it is and what they want. The door only opens but so much since I still have the chain-lock on but it's enough for me to look through it.

First of all, it's really bright outside. Did I make a mistake? Is it somehow later than I thought it was? _It's so dark in here though. _And second of all, what is _he_, of all people, doing here? He has a real menacing, mocking smile on his face. "Am I interrupting something?" He cranes his neck around to see inside my apartment and I narrow my eyes at him. I think he's implying that I was having sex. Maybe that's what it looks like—with my bed-hair being all over the place and donning nothing but a t-shirt and some underwear—but still, that's not his business, even if I was in here having sex. I step behind the door so he can't see me in my panties and just stare at him. "Are you gonna let me in or not?" I look him from head to toe just to make sure he doesn't have any weapons. He's wearing a pair of jean shorts and a short-sleeved, striped Polo shirt. His hair is neatly combed and he doesn't look like he's carrying any nuclear weapons, although with his personality, I wouldn't be surprised if he was.

"…I was sleeping." I mumble and rub my eyes for the second time. I don't know what the hell he's doing here but I don't have the strength in me to question him. "Hold on." I mumble again and turn around. I walk over to my closet and grab a pair of sweatpants to throw on. My boss and my landlord just saw me in my underwear. This day's off to a super start already. I tie the strings on my sweats so they don't fall down and run my fingers through my hair to smooth it down and make it as presentable as possible without a brush because I'm too lazy to walk into my bathroom and grab one. Hopefully whatever he wants doesn't take too long because I have a date with my bed. I reluctantly go back over to the door and take off the chain-lock. I open the door back up for him and step aside to let him inside my apartment. He steps in like he's more than welcome here and starts looking around. I fold my arms across my chest and just look at him. "What do you need?"

"You were really sleeping?" He's looking around like he's either hoping to find that I'm in here with a man or like he's expecting me to live in something nicer. Whatever it is that he's looking for, I'm not sure which one is less insulting. I nod my head to answer his question. "At 3:30 in the afternoon?" I nod my head again. I didn't realize it was 3:30. Here I am, thinking that it's no later than 8:00 in the morning. No, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I tuck my hair behind my ears and stifle a big yawn. "I was just making sure you were home." His eyes fall on the leak in my ceiling. "I have somebody coming to fix that today and I just needed to know that you're here."

"Oh." I hurry and mosey around to clean up. I'm sure it's already too late to make a better impression on him but still, I want to. He's already seen that I have my dirty underwear and stuff all over the floor. He knows that I don't wash dishes much and I sleep on the floor but still, it's my home and I have a visitor so I want to tidy up a bit. My house is a piece of crap but it could look more presentable than it currently looks. "Yeah, I was sleeping. I had a…late night." I gather my dirty clothes up in my arms and put them in the hamper in my closet. "Is that all you wanted?" My eyes fall down to where he's standing and I immediately note that he's standing on one of my thongs. My cheeks flush bright red when I realize that. I hope he doesn't notice.

But of course, he traces my eyes and finds that he's standing on it. He steps back off it and bends down to scoop it up. "…Here?" He holds it out to me but he's looking at it like he's trying to figure out what it is. I reach out to take it off him but he pulls it back and opens it up. "You actually fit this?" I grit my teeth together and roll my eyes at him. I hold my hand out. He chuckles and twirls it around his finger. "Nice." He hands it to me. I snatch it off him and throw it in the hamper with my other dirty clothes. "…So this is where you live, huh?" He's still looking around.

I nod my head. "It's not much, but it's a place." I look around and sigh. "…This is my bedroom and my living room. Over there is my kitchen. My bathroom's right there." I point to the corner where the door to my bathroom is at. "That's the royal tour." I flash him an awkward, throw-me-a-bone type of smile and raise my eyebrows. He's looking around at everything like he's disgusted and that kind of irritates me just a little. "Okay, I know it's not much compared to your obscenely big mansion, but… you know, some of us can't afford everything and we have to take what we get."

He wrinkles his brow. "What makes you say I live in an 'obscenely big mansion'?" He puts air-quotes around "obscenely big mansion". He stops looking around my house and looks back at me.

"Aren't you like… a writer or something? Writers get paid a lot, right?" I sidestep him and go into my kitchen. I'm thirsty and I think I have a bottle of water in my fridge from last night. He doesn't say anything. He just stands in the middle of my bedroom/living room with his hands in his pockets. "You _are _a writer, right? I just heard that you were…" I snatch the bottle of water from the top shelf of my bare fridge and twist the cap off. "…Sorry if you're not. I know I shouldn't listen to things that other people say because they could just be rumors." I turn the bottle of water up to my lips and take a sip. "…If you're not a writer, what do you do for a living?"

"Nah, I'm a writer." He nods. He walks over to my kitchen and leans against the counter next to my stove. "I don't live in a mansion though, that's for damn sure." He chuckles. I finish off my bottle of water and just nod, my silent version of "sorry for assuming." Part of me wonders if he got laid today or something because he's being nicer. "I like your place." He shrugs his shoulders. "It's…homey."

I bust out in laughter. "Yeah right." I wave my hand at him and toss away the now empty bottle of water. I walk back over to my fridge to see if there's anything in here I can fix myself to eat. I'm not surprised when I open it up and it's completely empty. "You don't have to lie to me. I know this place is crappy." I shut my fridge back and sigh. I wonder what I'm going to eat today. I'm hungry but of course, I don't have food. I think I have a couple bucks. I can walk down to Subway or something.

"I'm not lying. I think it's really cozy." He stands up straight. "I'm gonna leave now though. I was just making sure you were home for when the guy comes to patch up that leak." He puts his hands back in his pockets and turns to leave. I nod my head and put my hand on my fridge. I think I saw a package of lunch meat in here that I overlooked. "...What'd you say your name was again?" He asks me.

"Jo Wilson." I open the fridge and look around for the third time. Still nothing.

"Well Jo Wilson…" He turns back around to face me again. He sounds like he's going to say something to me. "…Can I buy you lunch?" I can tell by the tone of his voice that that is NOT what he intended to say originally. I raise my eyebrows at him. "…You keep looking around in the fridge like something's going to magically appear. I'll grab you lunch if you need me to."

"No thanks. I'm alright." I shake my head. I don't want to feel like I owe him anything. As far as I'm concerned he's still the worst human being I've ever encountered in my lifetime and I just feel like if I take something from him, he's going to make it so that I owe it to him. I don't want him to have anything over my head so I politely decline. "I have some money in my wallet." Which isn't a lie, because I do. I have enough money to buy myself something to fill my stomach up.

"Suit yourself." He shrugs and leaves right out my front door.


	7. Making Sense

**A/N:** **M** rated language in this chapter.

* * *

For a person that's borderline poor, I sure do have a lot of clothes. I'm not saying that all poor people don't have clothes because that's a horrible generalization to make, I'm just saying that I'm pretty poor but for a poor person, I have the wardrobe variety of someone that has fifty closets in their room. Granted I'm stick skinny and haven't gained any weight since senior year of high school so all my clothes are the same clothes I've had since I was a seventeen year old kid, but still. I file through my basket of clothes in search of something to wear. I'm not even going to attempt to try and go back to sleep because I know my efforts would be fruitless. I was lucky enough to have fallen asleep last night in the first place, I don't really need to chance it and push it by trying to go back to sleep. Instead, I'm just going to put on some clothes and walk down to the Subway so I can get a five dollar foot long. Maybe I'll come back home and clean up my house. I'm always pining for a day off but the thing is; when I actually get my days off, I never know what to do with them. I don't have friends that I can call up and spend some time with. I don't have anything else I could possibly be doing. I have work and that's it.

I grab a pair of blue jean shorts and a black t-shirt with Princeton's football team logo on it. I stand up and walk to my bathroom so I can brush my teeth and do something with the rat's nest I call hair. Before I do any of that though, I pull down my sweatpants and my underwear and sit on the toilet so I can pee. I'm still pretty shocked at how nice he was to me today. I mean seriously, I was so embarrassed that he came to the door and saw me like that. I had just woken up so my hair was all over the place, I never sleep in pants so I was in nothing but my undies, I had sleep in my eyes and I was just a little bit cranky. I think I'd be a little less embarrassed if somebody that I didn't know came to the door and saw me in rare form like that but to make matters worse, I knew him and he's my LANDLORD and my BOSS. And as if him seeing me like that wasn't horrible enough, my house is a mess. I have dirty clothes strung from one end of the place to the other and he had my thong in his hands. Geez. I reach over and unroll some toilet paper. I wad up the toilet paper and shove my hand between my legs to wipe.

On the up side, he was nice. I still saw a hint of a douchebag in him somewhere; like when he was looking around my house and very clearly judging the way I live. Or when he felt the need to twirl my panties around on his fingertip and make fun of me for how small they were. I'm beginning to think that he'll never change. He'll probably always be a selfish, arrogant jerk. But positively, I found some good in him today. He offered to buy me lunch and if that's not good, I don't know what is. After I wipe myself, I glance down at the toilet paper before I toss it into the bowl and bang my head back against the wall when I see the pink-colored tinge on the toilet paper. _I just woke up a little while ago and this day already sucks. _I take the moment to feel sorry for myself but end up leaning over to grab the box of tampons I keep under my bathroom sink. I think my body is nice to me in some aspects. I don't get my period every month like I should and I'm usually too broke to afford buying tampons every month so it works out pretty well. I can usually go, on average, about four months before I have to buy a new box. I don't get my period often enough to go through a box. So imagine my surprise when I reach in the box I have under my bathroom sink and only pull out one. The box is empty now and I only have just this one tampon. _Fantastic. Looks like I'm walking to the drugstore as well. _I stuck my teeth and pop open the wrapper anyway.

My period isn't irregular because I'm on birth control, by the way. I'm actually not on birth control. I just really don't ever feel the need to get on birth control because I don't have sex enough to need it. I'm not a virgin. I lost my virginity when I was seventeen to one of my friends. His name was Kyle and he was really nice and I was over his house working on my senior exit packet with him. We started kissing and one thing led to another and it just happened. It was awkward after that because we tried to date and it didn't work. We were better off as friends. So anyway, the first time I had sex was when I was seventeen and really, I didn't like it. It wasn't all that it cracked up to be. Anyway, I'm not really a sex-crazed maniac and I don't have enough sex to need to be on birth control. Every time I had sex with a guy he was nice enough to provide the condom and it worked out. Come to think of it, I haven't had sex in like…seven months. It's been a while and I don't know, maybe I'm a freak of nature because I don't ever crave it. You know some girls get horny and they're like "oh my god I need sex" but that's not me. Don't get me wrong, though. I enjoy good sex and I like it and when I get in the mood for it, I want to have it. But I don't need it.

After I do my business with my tampon and stuff, I pull my pants up, flush the toilet and wash my hands at the sink. My body is nice to me because my periods are never really all that heavy either. After I wash my hands, I grab my brush and start doing something with my hair. My hair is so thick and long that I actually hate it. It comes to the middle of my back and it's so thick that one ponytail holder doesn't pin it back, I need two. I always wanted to cut my hair short, you know? I always wanted to get it cut into like a super cute bob cut or something but first of all, I don't really think that I'd look right with short hair because my face my kind of chubby. Second of all, I could never cut it back when I was younger because my mom really loved my hair. She would always do it up real pretty for me before school. I could never cut it when I was younger so I don't think I can bring myself to cut it now that I'm older either. I just throw my hair up in a random ponytail and start brushing my teeth. I spit out my mouthful of toothpaste and shut off the faucet.

I've been really thinking about Matt lately. Not in the way that makes me all googly-eyed and crazy and I feel like my heart's going to skip a beat, but in the "I kind of regret not giving you a chance" kind of way. I take off my pants and my shirt and grab the clothes I set out for myself to wear. I'm a strong believer in fate. I believe that there is such a thing as fate but it only takes you so far. I want to get married and have children someday and I can't help but think that I might be making a mistake. What if Matt's the one for me and I won't even give him the time of day? There has to be a reason why fate would make me work with him. Why fate would bring me to him and make him have a crush on me and make him ask me out. There has to be a reason, right? What if I'm missing my potential husband and father of my children? I don't know, maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic but I swear to it, I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I button up my shorts and zip them up as well. I throw my t-shirt on over my bra and pull my ponytail through the head hole. I'm not in love with Matt or anything. But I can't help but think that I'm not even giving him a chance and he could potentially be my husband someday.

I slide my feet into my flip flops and lift up my mattress. I take my wallet from under the mattress and grab my cell phone and turn off the lights in my apartment. I imagine the people to fix my ceiling will be here in about an hour or so. I'll leave my door open just in case they come before I get back. I shut my door behind myself and lightly jog down the steps that lead up to my apartment. A white truck is parked outside the store. _Must be the maintenance men. _I turn the corner and start walking back towards the Subway. I'll go to Subway first then I'll go to the drugstore. …Or should I go to the drugstore first? I should probably go to the drugstore first. I'll go to the drugstore first so I can sit down and eat at Subway. As I walk down the street to the nearest drugstore, I just look around.

It's a beautiful day outside, actually. It's hot out here but there's a slight breeze in the air which makes it bearable. It's really so nice out today. You know, Iowa's beautiful. It's not like Florida or California where there's ocean side beaches and stuff like that but Iowa isn't so bad. The buildings are old but they're so beautiful when you really look at them. There are bright green trees everywhere and people are so friendly, especially in Sioux City. I think it's nice how everybody knows everybody here in Sioux City. It's like one big family. It's a lot different from back in Princeton, New Jersey. Like back in Princeton, everything is part of the city. Everything is part of a big, giant city. No matter where you walk, you have some kind of store. Sioux City is one big metropolitan area but there are cleared out spaces and people actually have yards and farms here. Children can actually run down the streets here in Sioux City and play around on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk. In Princeton, children couldn't go anywhere without their parents because they'd risk getting hit by a car or something. Princeton is for single people that love the city life. Sioux City is more family-oriented and I like it. I grab ahold of the handle and pull the door open. I also like how everything is family owned too. Small businesses line the streets of Sioux City and I really like that as well.

I saunter into the small store and go immediately back to the personals section. I look around at the cheapest box of tampons I can find. I grab a box of no brands for $2.00. I also need some soap. So I walk down the aisle a little bit and grab a cheap box of bar soap. I don't need anything else but tampons and soap so I'm done in here. I walk over to the checkout lady and she's not waiting on any people ahead of me. I put my tampons and my soap down on the counter and look around while she starts ringing my stuff up. She's kind of slow because she's sort of old so I just look around and don't even rush it. She's fumbling around with a bag to bag my things for me. I just take a look at the newspaper. I squint my eyes to read the headline. _Local Author to Draw Inspiration From Ten Year Old Murder Case. _I pick up the newspaper and put it on the counter along with my stuff. _I wonder… _

"You got lucky… newspaper's been selling like crazy today. Just got a fresh batch in about ten minutes ago." She hands me my bag and I hand her a ten dollar bill from my wallet.

"...What's the story here?" I ask her, referring to the headline story in the newspaper. It can't be a coincidence, can it? The subject of this newspaper article has to be him, right? I mean how many authors can there be? Please tell me this isn't a coincidence. "Do you know?"

"Hot shot author decided to make a book about this molestation case. The thing is…the guy writes romance books." She's making me change for my ten dollars. This definitely isn't a coincidence. It has to be him. How many authors in Sioux City write romance books? It's him! "Pissed a lot of people off around here. I'd say they're gonna find out who the guy is within the next week and it's not gonna be good for him." She hands me my change.

"Thanks." I gather up my bag and my newspaper and leave out of the store. This definitely isn't a coincidence. This is definitely him. I can't wait to read this. Maybe they'll have some insight as to what his pseudonym is. Outside the store, I find a bench and sit down on it. I open up the newspaper and start reading the extended version of the front page article. _I wonder why everybody's so mad at him if this is really the case. I wonder if that's true. What she said about them finding out who he is and it not being good for him. _I think I might've just found a piece of the puzzle…

**X X X **

I walk along down the aisle, tracing the metal lining of the shelf with my finger. This is probably taking longer than it should take because I'm not too keen on searching things with computers and card catalogs. I don't know how to look something up by its Dewey number and I don't know what all the numbers mean when you punch it in the computer. So it's taking a while but at least I'm going to get it. It might take a while longer but at least I'm going to end up with it in the end, as long as I look. _E…Et…Eu…Ev. Bingo. _I stop walking when I get to the right section and stand there to look around. Did you know it costs $4.50 for a library card? I might be stupid to have not had known that, but I swear I didn't know. I thought library cards were free. I've been to the library many of times before and nobody ever told me that library cards cost any amount of money. Really, they make you pay to read a book? I don't know, maybe I'm just surprised because all the times I've been to the library, things were free. I used to spend time in my high school's library and it was free to check books out there. Then I'd spend time in Princeton's library and that was free also, as long as you were a student there. Apparently I've been misled because I was a little bit shocked when I walked in here and asked the librarian to point me in the direction of the fiction section and she asked me if I was interested in _purchasing _a library card.

I have five bucks to spare but I'm not willing to waste five bucks on a library card when I could be spending it on other things, so looks like I'm going to have to revert to my old ways of snatching the book. I'm good at stealing things. I realize that being a good thief isn't exactly one of the best qualities a person could have, but I'm serious. I'm freakishly good at snatching things from stores. It's all about deflecting the attention from yourself. Most people make the mistake of looking around when they swipe something, to make sure that nobody of authority is around to see. But that's the biggest mistake because when you look around like that, you just draw attention to yourself. You just have to take it off the shelf and walk away like it was nothing, because then anybody that is watching you that could get you in trouble just ends up thinking that you're taking whatever you just snatched back to the shopping cart. You have to make it look like your mom sent you to pick it up. And when you get around the corner or something, then you hide it under your coat or whatever.

I promised myself when I got out of high school that I'd stop stealing things and so I did. I told myself I wouldn't steal again but here I am, about to steal a book from a library. I rationalize with myself though. It's not so bad that I'm about to steal it because I'm going to bring it back when I'm done with it, I promise. I'm a thief but at least I'm an honest thief. I never really got caught stealing by anyone like the cops but my mom did catch me once. She made me go back into the store and feed the cashier a bullcrap lie about how I "accidentally" put it in my pocket. I was no more than eleven years old, scared out of my wits that the cashier would still be mad even though I said it was an accident. My mom was standing right behind me and she made sure nothing was going to happen but I was still scared out of my mind. It was only a dollar candy bar that I snatched. Anyway, my mom made me give it back but she turned around and bought me one anyway. She told me that if I wanted something, all I had to do was ask. I told her I was sorry and reveled in the fact that she bought me the candy bar that I went through all the trouble of stealing.

We weren't rich and we surely weren't wealthy, but in a sense, my foster parents really spoiled me. Until I was twelve, I got away with murder with Karen and Bill. They would always attribute my acting up to the fact that I was still adjusting. Every time I'd have a temper tantrum, they'd take me to my bedroom to cool down but it wasn't my fault because I was adjusting. If I'd say a swear word, they'd reprimand me for it but they wouldn't yell at me too horribly because I was adjusting. They gave me two years of the "adjusting" excuse before they started grounding me, yelling at me and taking my toys away. They spoiled the heck out of me though. I'd bring home a good report card and they'd take me out to eat. I'd do the dishes without them having to ask and I'd get ice cream. All my other foster homes, they didn't give a crap if I made straight As and they expected me to do the dishes after dinner. But with my mom and my dad, they just never expected anything from me and my good behavior got me an allowance and so much praise from them. They weren't the greatest, but I couldn't have picked a better couple to have adopted me. I really do thank the high heavens every day to have stumbled upon those people.

_Evans…found it! _I smile and silently congratulate myself with a brief little celebration dance. I've been trying to find his work for months now and I'm finally victorious! Still smiling like a child in a candy store, I look around at all the possibilities I have to pick up. _Which one do I read first? Which one looks the most promising? _I stand up on the balls of my feet and grab a book with a purple covering. The cover has a purple sunset on it with a house and a car. _The Hour by Michael A. Evans. _This looks like it might be good. I turn the book over to read the synopsis on the back. _If someone you gave your heart to dies, did they take your heart with them when they passed? That is the question 17-year old Jacob Lancaster has been asking himself ever since his girlfriend of 2 years, Kara, was shot and killed in the wake of a crazed gunman when he open-fired in their school, killing a total of 49 victims. When Jacob meets Aunt Pete, a psychic known as the local witch, she grants him the power of time travel. Jacob then travels back in time to the fateful day of the gunman's deadly rampage, and what he finds when he tries to prevent it from happening is potentially more fatal than he could have ever imagined… _This one looks and sounds good. I think I'll start with this one.

I look around to make sure the librarian isn't around to see me do this. When I see that she's not around, I put the book down on the table and gather up my bags of the things I bought at the drugstore before I came here. I still have to go buy myself something to eat. I read the newspaper article about how the citizens of Sioux City are publicly outraged over this new book that's coming out that's supposed to depict the murder and of a child that died within the community and at the very end of the article, they let me in on exactly who this author is. I got excited when they revealed his name and I almost ran here to the library so I didn't grab my food yet. I shove the book in the bag with my soap, newspaper and tampons and start walking towards the exit. The librarian is nowhere to be found and I'd be lying if I said that I cared. I'm just excited to go home and start reading. The synopsis for The Hour sounds really good, I'm beginning to wonder if he really is Michael Evans. Could I be wrong? The newspaper article could very well be about another undercover author that lives in Sioux City, right? But the pieces just add up way too perfectly for Michael Evans to not be him. He has to be Michael Evans…he has to be.

I push the door open and walk back outside into the heat of the day. I think this is all starting to click for me. I'm starting to put pieces of his puzzle together. Nobody knows that Michael Evans is actually a guy named Alex that owns a hardware store. Nobody in this world knows that Michael Evans' name isn't even close to being Michael. Somehow, he's managed to keep that a secret from the public. But with all these newspaper articles and all this media attention, the people of Sioux City are bound to figure out that he's Michael Evans right? Maybe he kept his identity a secret because of things like this. He doesn't want anybody to know and now people do know. I feel like he should be freaking out over the fact that his secret's out and he doesn't seem to be freaking out. He came over to my house and he was as cool as a cucumber. So maybe Michael Evans isn't him. But it has to be. It makes all too much sense…

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Yeah man, thanks for your work." I reach in my back pocket and pull out my wallet. I don't usually carry cash on me but I went to the ATM specifically to get money out to pay the guy. I unzip the part of my wallet where I keep my bills and take out all the twenties I have in there. Just to be thorough, I count through the twenties again to make sure I have the right amount that I'm paying him. _Five hundred, five twenty, five forty, five sixty, five eighty, six hundred. _I wad up the money and hand it to him. "Three hundred for your labor in the store, three hundred for your labor in the apartment." The guy takes it from me and puts it in the breast pocket of his construction vest. He did a nice job on the store by the way. He replaced a couple tiles on the ceiling, scraped out some mold towards the back and replaced the tile on the floor, fixed up the shelves and took measurements to install carpet in the front of the store next week. He patched up the hole in what's-her-face's ceiling and even fixed the lights in the shop as well. He did really good work and he's cheap. I'd pay him however much he asked for but he only asked for $600.

"No problem." The guy puts his fist to his mouth and coughs. His cough is rough and hardened just like the way he looks. His voice is scratchy and phlegmy like he has something in his throat. After I put my wallet back in my pocket, I grab my phone as well. I'm trying not to sweat everything that's going around in the media about me, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not just a little bit worried. I've been on high alert ever since I heard those women talking in the grocery store today. I've been thinking about California more and more lately… I clear my thoughts and listen again to what the guy is saying. "I laid down a fresh layer of paint on the walls in the store. It gotta dry so I wouldn't go in there too tough. The tile up in the apartment should hold for another few years." He gives me the full information on what he did. "Thanks for hirin' me."

"Yeah, no problem." I mumble again. I slip my phone back in my pocket and walk past the guy while he starts picking up his stuff to pack up and leave. I open the door to the store and look around at his work. I've already looked at the stuff he repaired in the store and it's a nice job but I just didn't feel like standing outside anymore. I need a minute to gather my thoughts. I really told myself that I wasn't going to stress so much over this but I am. I'm stressing just a little bit. I take a seat on the counter of the register and get back on my phone again. The threats haven't ceased nor have they slowed up. On average, I'm getting about 2,000 emails in a half hour today. I already pulled the proposal and I'm just waiting for Jerry to finish up the statement to release it. Hopefully after the statement gets released, this will all slow down.

My mind's been two-tracked all day. Up until about two hours ago, it was one-tracked but a certain situation turned it into two-tracked. All morning, I was just thinking about this book and how I have to pull something I'm passionate about. How everything I worked for is getting flushed down the drain because whether I like it or not, these people are going to find out who I am. My mind's been so full of books, murders, molestation cases, deadlines, newspaper articles, hateful emails… my mind feels like it's on full overload. It's been relentless, too. No matter what I did, my mind kept going back to the fact that all my work is being shoved down the drain. …One thing, however, did take it away. For ten minutes, while I was talking to her, I forgot all about it. I don't remember her name again, but I do know that talking to her helped for a little bit. She's not really all that important to me because I seriously can't remember her name, I just think it was nice to have some human contact for a minute there. One of these days, I'm going to commit her name to memory. Someday I'll remember her name but I don't think it's that big of a deal that I don't know it. It's not like me and her are friends or anything, she just rents off me and she works for me.

I think the reason I don't remember her name even though she just told me what it was about two or so hours ago is because I really wasn't paying much attention to her while she spoke. She's naggy, annoying, a crybaby and slightly clueless but I will admit that she's hot. I don't look at her face much when I'm dealing with her so really, I don't know if I can say that she's beautiful or whatever but I do know that she has a nice body. She's small but her ass is amazing, even in the sweatpants she was wearing. I didn't get to see it in her underwear and I would've loved to but I didn't. I saw it in those sweatpants though and it was so nice. God, her body is just so… She wasn't wearing a bra either. I could tell by the way her boobs looked in her t-shirt that she was braless. Her boobs are nice as hell too, for her size. She's thin so I'd expect her to be flat-chested but she's not. They're nice and big and they're perky. And her legs…dear god, her legs. She's not very tall but for the little bit of height she does have, her legs are so long. She has the kind of legs that I would bend over my shoulders or hold up while I'm going to work with her. The things I would do to that girl are so dirty and impure it should be illegal. I'd….for lack of better word, I'd fuck her for hours in every position she'd take it.

I bet she has a boyfriend. No girl looks like THAT and is single. I know if it were me, I'd make her mine just so I could spend all day in a bed with her. She has to have a boyfriend. When she answered the door in her underwear, I got so hard so quick. But anyway, I was expecting her to be in there with her boyfriend, getting pounded. But she wasn't. She was sleeping and she was alone. So maybe she doesn't have a boyfriend. I don't really care if she does or if she doesn't because either way, whether she's taken or not, if I get the opportunity to fuck that girl, I'm taking it. I don't know her name and the only reason I don't is because I was too busy picturing her naked and screaming my name to listen to her when she told me. I even _said _her name and I still don't know it. I think she said it was Zoey but that's just a guess. _She knows my name and that's all that matters. _I don't care about anything she says. She could have the best personality in the world and I really wouldn't care because all I'm interested in is getting her alone for a couple hours.

Actually, if she _does _have a boyfriend, why doesn't he make sure his girl is eating? I had to offer to buy his girl lunch because her fridge was bare as a desert. Something about that girl is definitely different though because normally, if I saw someone's fridge as bare as hers was, I don't think I'd think twice about just leaving. But for some reason, I felt like I should've given her something to eat and I was a little bit upset when she declined. I sigh and look around the store again. I should probably head home, shouldn't I? I lock my phone up and stick it back in my pocket and get up from the counter I was sitting on. Anyway, that's been the deal with my mind for today. It's been fixated on the fact that everything is crumbling down around me and the only thing that took it away from those thoughts was that girl. There's definitely something about that girl. I can't put my finger on it, but there's definitely something about her. And I don't think it's her smoking hot body.

**X X X **

When I park my car in my garage, I get out and lock it. I'm getting tired of waiting for Jerry to call me and tell me he released this statement. He needs to get it done and over already. I open the door in my garage that leads inside my house and take my shoes off at the door. I've actually been thinking about getting a dog. I'd never freely admit that I'm a bit lonely, but it really wouldn't be nice to come home to someone every day. I come home to an empty house every day of my life and that's kind of depressing. I toss my keys on the kitchen counter and trudge through my house to get to the front door so I can check the mail. I don't think a dog would be so bad. I'd get a big one, like a German shepherd or a Labrador retriever. _At least a dog would be happy to see me every day. _I unlock my front door and pull it open. I step out onto my porch to check my mailbox and step on something hard, in my bare, sock-covered feet. I step back off the hard thing and look down at what it is. It's a small, cube-shaped, red brick. I bend down and scoop it up.

Now that I bend down and get a closer look at the ground, I find that there's shattered glass on my porch along with the brick. I turn my head just a bit and see that the source of the shattered glass is the little glass window next to my front door. It's just a small window, not very big and not uncommon that I didn't notice it right away. _You've gotta be kidding me. _I palm the brick in my hand, shaking my head and turning back around to go back in my house. But when I palm the brick, I hear the sound of paper crinkling. I stop walking immediately and look down. There's a paper attached to the brick. I pull the paper—which is attached to the brick by a rubber band—and unfold it to read it. _MOLESTATION IS NOT ROMANCE! _I can't explain the feeling I get when I read that. It's like somebody just poured ice water down the collar of my shirt. _They know_. They know…It was quick, but they found it out.

I have to call Jerry.

* * *

**A/N:** I know I said the drama wouldn't really pick up until about chapter 10, but I see that you guys are getting a bit antsy about the Jolex interaction and I'm actually ahead of where I thought I'd be in terms of establishing who they are as characters, so expect the drama to start happening towards the end of next chapter. Chapter 9 will be basically all drama and you'll understand by the end of chapter 9 exactly where I'm taking this story.

Something has to bring Alex and Jo together, right?


	8. Quitter

**A/N:** Crucial Alex information in this chapter. Let me know if you understand him better after this chapter. :)

* * *

"How can you tell me not to worry about it?" With my finger plugging the ear that doesn't have the phone pressed against it, I'm pacing back in forth in my office. I don't know who I'm trying to fool with this anymore. I came home to a busted out window, a brick with a note attached and a glass all over my porch. At this point, panic has set in and I really need to find a way out of all this trouble I've gotten myself into. I really thought that this was all going to blow over. Obviously I knew that people were going to be finicky and quite upset about what I wrote but I was really expecting to have at least some people following what I do. I was expecting it because I never intended to let that prologue leak out before anything else. The prologue leaked, people think it's a horrible book and now nobody's going to give it a chance. Now I'm in a whole heap of deep shit and I've dug myself into a hole that I can't pull myself out of. "My house is being vandalized and you're really going to tell me that I shouldn't worry? I thought I had at least a week until they figured it out!"

"We're working on the statement right now as we speak." He sounds so lackluster and disinterested. I don't understand how he can really sit there on the other end of this phone and tell me that everything is going to be okay and I shouldn't worry. If they're already mad enough to bust the window on my house, what else are they mad enough to do? "We've got this all under control. We're handling it." I mumble "bullshit" under my breath and stomp over to my bookcase. I really think I'm going to retire from writing. This isn't worth it to me anymore. I can't write what I want to write, my house is being vandalized, my property is getting damaged, my character is being defamed and nobody respects my creativity anymore. It's just not as fun as it used to be and it's beginning to not be worth it anymore. I'm ready to just hang it up for good. I can afford to retire from everything. I've made enough money off my published books so that if I play my cards right, I'll never have to work another day in my life. I'm just tired of all of this.

"Don't even bother with the statement." I reach up on my bookshelf and pick up my debut novel. The very first book I ever wrote. I stare down at the red and white cover that's decorated with a pair of green eyes and flames. It's called Somewhere In Between. I remember how proud and excited I was when it got picked up. I started writing it midway through my junior year of college and I finished it when I was 24. I remember being so nervous to submit it that pop actually submitted it for me. I did all the email work and all the research but I waited weeks before I submitted it, just because I was nervous. Pop got ahold of my laptop and submitted it to the publisher for me, without me even knowing. About three weeks later, I got the letter in the mail that told me that a company called Vintage Books picked it up and wanted to acquire the rights to publish it. I used to get so much joy out of writing and now I'm not even sure if I want to continue. _Am I ready to just give it all up? _"Don't release anything, Jerry. I quit." I flip through the pages of Somewhere In Between and skim over it. It's about a man who fell in love with a girl that turned out to be the devil. He was really in love with this woman but throughout the relationship, she would act strange. He eventually found out that the girl was the devil but he decided to love her anyway. Ultimately, she dragged him to hell but he couldn't survive down there because he wasn't immortal. The girl knew that the man couldn't survive in hell but she wouldn't let him back out of being with her. The book ended with the man dying.

Somewhere In Between is a lot darker than what I usually write. I mean, my writing style is generally really dark and haunting but I've never written a book since then, where the main character dies. I was at a different point in my life when I wrote Somewhere In Between than I am now. I started writing Somewhere In Between when I was junior in college; right after this girl named Lucy dumped me. Aside from my mother, Lucy was the only woman I'd ever considered myself to be in love with. Really, I was head over heels in love with her. She was the woman I thought that I was going to eventually marry. My world revolved around Lucy and I've never allowed myself to fall that hard for a woman since. Women are just women, cheaters, liars and whiny little give-uppers. So Lucy dumped me—on horrible terms I might add—and that's where I got the inspiration to write a novel about a woman so beautiful she couldn't be true. A woman that in turn, turned out to be the devil. Because essentially, that's what Lucy was. She was a royal bitch, a devil in disguise. I think about her every now and again but it always ends up as me wishing she were dead.

"You quit?" Jerry questions me through the phone.

"Yeah, I quit." After I say that, I feel better. I feel free, lighter even. Like this is the right decision for me. Writing shouldn't be a task or a chore to me. It should be something I enjoy to do and I haven't enjoyed it in a really long time. So yeah, I quit. I quit and I'm sure that I quit. I feel good that I quit. "I can't do this anymore, Jer. It's just not the same thing as it was when I started this. I gotta hang it up." I shove Somewhere In Between back into the spot I had it in and sit down in my chair. I know Jerry's about to try to talk me out of quitting and I don't want to hear it, so I hang up. I don't want to be talked out of something I feel good about. I'm still in deep shit with the citizens of Sioux City but at least I feel a little bit better about not having the daunting task of writing looming over my head. I quit and I've never felt surer about anything in my entire life.

I wasn't even this sure when I first started writing Somewhere In Between. When I described the woman in that novel as having "full, thick, sunshine-blonde hair and eyes so blue that the oceans were jealous", I wasn't sure about depicting her as the devil. When I went ahead and named that girl "Lucy" in my novel then went ahead and described how she was the DEVIL, I wasn't sure. Yet somehow, I'm sure about not wanting to write anymore. I lean forward and rest the brim of my forehead on top of my laptop. I close my eyes for just a brief moment and already, I'm taken back to the time I've spent years trying to forget. Back to the time that I hurt more than I thought I could. I thought my mom leaving and never coming back broke me down to the lowest point I could be broken down but I was wrong. I was broken down to less of a man when I saw that…

_I can't wait to go take a shower. Man, coach worked us so hard today for the playoff game. I get that we gotta work hard to win but I really don't see the need in making us run the length of the football field thirteen times, from goalpost to goalpost. I run every day, I lift, I bench 425, I'm a tough dude. But I really thought that I was going to kill over and die by the fifth time I reached the goalpost. I've never ran that much in my life. I threw up by the seventh lap and I'm just so ready to shower, go down to the Panera on campus and eat, then pass out in my bed for the night. I'll see if babe wants to go down to Panera with me. I haven't seen her in a while since coach has us working so hard to prepare for playoffs but I always try to make time for her. She's so patient and understanding when it comes to football and wrestling. And she's there, front row of all my games._

_I swear one of these days, she's not gonna have to worry about anything. When me and her are living in our big farmhouse with our kids, she's not going to have to work for anything. She's going to be able to stay home with our kids, I promise her that. She wants to live on one of the farmlands here in Ames. She's in college studying veterinary medicine and she really wants to own her own farm. I told her that I'd make sure she'd be able to do that. Matter of fact, I promised her that she'd be able to have all her animals and her animals wouldn't get sick because she'd be their vet. And she told me that we were going to teach our babies how to ride horses and stuff. Damn, I can't wait to get out of here and start our life. I actually plan on popping the question next week. I know we're still young and all but she's the one. She's really the one for me. I don't ever want anyone else. My dad always told me that I'll know when I find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I found her. I found her in a blonde haired, blue eyed, animal loving, cheerleader._

_I pull my student ID card from my drawstring bag that holds all my workout clothes and shove it in the slot that opens my door. The lock beeps to let me know that it's open and I twist the knob. Garrett, my roommate, had baseball conditioning today so he won't be home until later. I shut my door behind myself and dump my workout bag and my equipment bag in the corner of my living room, right next to my couch. I flick my light on and go to the door that leads to my bedroom and to my shower. I grab the handle and twist it but it's jammed, like it's locked and won't open. I keep jiggling with the handle but it still won't budge. I twist the door handle as hard as I can and finally just pop it open. Sometimes the door sticks and won't open. It's just a quirk to my dorm. I step into the room and it's pitch black in here. I feel around on the side for the light switch again and turn it on. My bed is messy and unmade, just the way I left it. I toss my cell phone down on the bed and go back to the door that leads into my bathroom._

_I twist open that door handle and find that the light in the bathroom is on and the shower is running. Garrett must've gotten home from practice early or something. I'll wait for him to get out the shower then. I turn back around to shut the door and leave the bathroom when a very distinct sound catches my attention. I've been around when Garrett has had girls over plenty of times before and I've heard his girls moaning more times than I care to acknowledge. But I recognize that moan. It's very specific, very high-pitched and melodious. "Lus?" I step back into the bathroom and call her name. As soon as I say her name, the moaning stops. I narrow my eyes so I can see through all the steam in the bathroom. I wasn't paying attention back when I thought it was just Garrett in the shower because I'm not gay and I don't want to see him bathing, but now that I am SURE that I heard my girlfriend in the shower moaning, I look through the tampered glass of the shower door._

_I'd recognize that thin, slender silhouette anywhere. That's definitely her. I take a step further into the bathroom, just as the shower door opens. I'm halfway expecting for my girl to poke her head out but I'm more surprised by who actually does. Garrett's head is what pokes out. I feel like somebody kicked me in my stomach. Or better yet, in my back. You know that feeling you get when someone punches you in your back? When you can't breathe and you're not sure if you ever will breathe again? "Hey dude, I got a little company…we'll be out in a minute." The look on his face just says it all. His eyes are big but he's trying so hard to play it off, like he's not banging my girl. I completely black out and march right over to the shower. I grab the door and yank it open. Sure enough, just like I thought so, my girl is naked in the shower with my roommate._

_I don't feel like this is really happening to me. Really? I'm going to propose to this woman. She's the one I want to spend the rest of my entire life with. I want her to have my children, I want her to be my wife. She's in the shower with my roommate. She looks like a deer caught in headlights and like I haven't seen it all before, she's covering her chest up and her crotch. "Alex…" She starts talking but she shuts completely up when I draw my fist back and make a hard, direct connection with Garrett's nose. With that one punch, 6-foot, 4-inch, 211-pound Garrett goes down, plummeting to the floor. "Alex!" I'm not even completely listening to her. I'm thinking about the fact that I just knocked my roommate unconscious and I want to kill him. "I've been meaning to tell you… I don't think this is working out…" My stomach hurts. I'm seriously, physically sick. I can't even look at her. Is she serious? Really? I have the ring picked out… I just shake my head and leave out the bathroom quick, before she can see tears fall._

I finally pick my head up from my laptop and sigh when I'm done visualizing that situation. Every time I think I'm over it, I think about it and get re-pissed off about the whole situation. It still hurts the same. I still feel that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I still feel like I can't breathe. I still feel like finding Garrett and punching his lights out. I still feel that stinging sensation in my eyes from the tears threatening to fall. The situation still stings and it happened six years ago. I rub the bridge of my nose and slide my chair away from my desk. I grab my phone up off the desk and leave out of my office. I start climbing up the stairs to go take a shower and lie down for the night.

I haven't let myself fall that hard for a chick ever since then. It took me too long to bounce back from Lucy and honestly, I'm still bouncing back. I can't get like that again. I'll never let myself fall that hard for a chick ever again and I promised myself that. After all that stuff in the bathroom, Lucy got dressed and came into my room. I was crying by that time, not going to lie. I was crying and she came over and sat by me on the bed and she told me that she was planning to break up with me because apparently, she and Garrett had been sleeping together for three months. Meanwhile, me and her were together for two years and I was planning to propose. She was planning to break up with me and I was planning to ask her to marry me. Isn't that kind of hilarious? It's frickin' hilarious if you ask me.

It's hilarious how a girl can do that to a guy. It's hilarious how I could be that stupid. Mom did it to pop and Lucy did it to me. You can go your whole life, for 24 years, treating women right. I did. I never cheated on a girl, I treated her like a princess, I did everything and I do mean EVERYTHING right. I was the best possible boyfriend I could be, just like my dad taught me how to be. Crazy how I treated Lucy so well but she still did that to me. And after Lucy, I stayed single for two years because it took me that long to get over it enough to start dating again. I've dated seven women in the last four years and I've cheated on every last one of them. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids anymore and I just don't care about any of that. Women are bitches and cheaters that live to hurt you, that's what I've learned. I don't ever see myself committing to anyone after that because I don't trust anyone with my heart anymore. It's a shame because now I'm nothing but a coldhearted bastard but you know what? Life's made me this way.

Instead of taking a shower now, I'll take one in the morning. I'm not too dirty because I did take one when I got home from the gym earlier today, before I went over that girl's house. I just feel a headache coming on and I want to go to bed for the night before it gets any worse. So I take off my jeans and my t-shirt and get in my bed. I pull my covers over my body and close my eyes. And while I'm waiting to fall asleep, I'm just thinking about when my life got this crazy. It happened within a matter of hours, really. I don't have a job anymore and now I'm stuck thinking about the most painful relationship I've ever had. This is freaking great.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

Just like every other night, I can't fall asleep. I'm stuck here lying in my bed, listening to the rain beating on the pane of my bedroom window. I work tomorrow morning at 8:00 so I know I'm going to be sorry for sitting up like the little insomniac I am. Unlike every other night though, I actually have a reason to be awake tonight. I'm holding it open with one hand and with the other, I'm holding a flashlight so I can see. I told myself I was going to put it down at 9:30 so I can try and be asleep by 11:00. 9:30 turned into 10:00 and 10:00 turned into 10:30 and before I knew it, I was 100 pages deep and I can't put it down. Jacob just met Aunt Pete and Aunt Pete is explaining to him the rules of the time travelling gift she's about to bestow upon him. This is so freaking good and it's beautiful. 100 straight pages were spent explaining and depicting just how deeply Jacob loved Kara. The guy was so messed up over her death that he spent weeks meeting with a grief counselor. It's getting to the good, science-fiction portion of the book and as much as I know I should put it down and go to sleep, I can't. On page 50, I already established the fact that Michael Evans isn't Alex. He can't possibly be Alex. I admit that the clues made far too much sense for it to not be him, but now that I'm actually reading, I know that it can't be him. A man like Alex that's incapable of any emotion other than crassness and hatred can't possibly write a love story this beautiful. So I'm right back to square one with not knowing what Alex's pseudonym is but on the bright side, I found a new favorite book.

I turn the page and eagerly devour it. Whoever the real Michael Evans is, the guy can seriously write a page-turner. I admit that I don't usually go for the sappy love stories because they just remind me of how sucky my own love life actually is, but this is one book that I could read time after time after time and not get sick of it. I feel like I'm so emotionally invested in the story. Jacob's feelings are so raw and real over losing Kara. I've cried three times and I'm not even halfway through the book. Any author that can grab a reader's attention and suck them in with the emotions is just gold. Michael Evans is so amazing. I'm a fan. I'm at the point where I don't want to finish The Hour because I'm so far in love with it that I want the story to go on forever, but I also can't wait to finish it so I can read another one of his books. Most romance novels are predictable and too mushy and gushy for me to even think twice about them but not this one. I've been guessing the entire time and each page I turn is a new surprise. _God, I really hope that he actually is Michael Evans. _I really, really, really don't think that Alex is Michael Evans but if he is, I swear I'll be so pleasantly surprised. This book is amazing.

I'm going to be so sorry in the morning though, I know it. I'm not going to get up in time for work. I thought about calling off but I thought it might be just a little silly for me call off of work and miss out on money just because I can't put down a book. I'd actually like to know exactly when I decided to be an insomniac. I mean honestly, I've had troubles with sleep for as long as I can remember. I remember being a little kid and having troubles with sleep. It wasn't always that I couldn't fall asleep. Sometimes I'd have nightmares, sometimes I'd sleep for a little while but wake up and not be able to go back. Sometimes I'd sleepwalk. I just don't have a healthy relationship with sleep. I used to be medicated for it. I used to take these white pills every night, half an hour before I'd go to bed and I'd sleep so peacefully throughout the night. But when Karen died, my health insurance expired and I don't have health insurance right now. So I haven't been able to take my sleeping pills for a really long time now, and ever since I haven't been able to take them, I've been sleep deprived.

You know what I find baffling? Every place I lived in before Karen and Bill, nobody ever did anything about my sleeping habits. I'd wake up screaming in the middle of the night but the people I was living with would just ignore me or lock me up somewhere where they couldn't hear me. I'd sleepwalk and all they'd do is let me go. They wouldn't stop me and point me back in the right direction of bed. They just didn't care that there was a kid in their house that never slept and was so tired that she felt like she was walking around like a zombie all the time. Nobody cared about me. But when I got with my mom and my dad, they didn't even wait a week before they took me to a doctor to see somebody about it. The doctor said something about me having "night terrors" but I didn't know what that meant at ten years old. All I knew is that I'd have terrifying, screaming, horrible nightmares. I mean nightmares so horrible that I'd be afraid to fall asleep. I'd wake up sweating, crying with a headache. I like to think that I grew out of the night terrors like I grew out of the sleepwalking, but every now and again, I'll have another night terror. It doesn't happen though.

You know, sometimes my mom and dad would ask me what my nightmares were about, but I'd lie to them and tell them that I didn't remember. I still remember what they were about, even here, 13 years later. Every time I look at the underside of the palm of my hand and see a faint, circular scar, I remember what those nightmares were about. Sure, Karen and Bill knew that I came from a pretty bad foster home but they didn't know how horrific it was and I wouldn't let them know that. I just didn't want to tell them just how bad it was because it'd make Karen cry when she thought about it. Eventually, when I woke up screaming about it one night, they figured out that I was having nightmares about the memories I was having. Memories of being burned on my hand with a cigarette when I refused to stop crying over a boy pulling my hair, of being slapped across the face when I told the boy to leave me alone, of hiding in a linen closet because I was too scared to come out since the boy showed me "his" and he wanted to see "mine." That was the worst foster home I've ever been in. I actually remember when mom and dad figured it out...

"_I'll never let anything happen to you…" Mommy—I think it's okay to call her that now—Mommy has her arms around my body and she's letting me lay on her shoulder. Nobody's ever held me like this but I've seen in the movies and in the park when mommies hold their babies like this. Their babies are usually a lot smaller than I am but it still has the same affect, I think. My legs are around her hip and she's holding me under my butt so I don't fall and her hand is rubbing my back. My head is on her shoulder and I feel okay enough to go to sleep again. She's standing up and walking around her and daddy's bedroom with me. Normally, she would lay in bed with me and rub my back until I fell asleep but tonight is different. I actually did fall asleep in my own bed but I woke up and I was so scared. Mommy came in and picked me up. She was crying though. I was screaming something about "leave me alone" and "I don't want to show it to you". I can't remember though. "It's okay Joey… Mommy's got you… I'm not going to let anything happen to you, sweet face…"_

_I don't think she's lying. I don't think mommy would let anything happen to me. I think I'm safe with her and my new daddy. My bear is in my hand and I'm not letting him go. I'm sleepy. I keep my eyes closed while I'm lying on her shoulder. I hear footsteps behind me though and I open my eyes up for a minute. It's just daddy. I close my eyes again. "Lemme take her, honey…" I feel daddy's big hands on my body but mommy pulls me away. "Karen, it's okay. She's fine. She's not going back to that place. Let me take her, your back is bad. You can't be carrying her around too much. I'll take her and put her back to bed."_

"_Don't take this child off me, William." I'm kind of falling asleep but I can still hear everything and feel everything. I feel mommy's lips on my forehead and I feel that she's still crying. "She can't go anywhere. Did you hear what she was screaming?" Her hands rub my back. "What if somebody was touching her, Bill? Somebody was touching her…" No, mommy…nobody touched me. He just wanted me to show him my privates. He didn't touch anything. He didn't do anything but pull my hair. Don't cry about it mommy. "She can't go anywhere…"_

"_We're not going to let her go anywhere. We're not like her other foster homes, we're good. She's staying with us." Daddy's hands are on my body again._

"_No Bill. She CAN'T go anywhere." Mommy's still rubbing my back. "We have to keep her. I…I want her, Bill. I want her. She's ours, right? Let's make it official."_

"_Karen, you're not thinking."_

"_I'm thinking clear!" She yells in my ear which scares me but I think she realized because she kisses my cheek and whispers, "sorry baby girl" to me. "I'm thinking so clear, Bill. I want to keep her. Who else is better for her than we are? She's such a sweet girl...and she's smart. She's brilliant. I want her to have a chance. Who else is going to give her a chance? What if she gets taken away from us? She deserves a chance. She's too sweet. She's too sweet…"_

"_Alright." This time, mommy actually lets him take me. "We can go down to the courthouse tomorrow and pick up an adoption application."_

Have I ever mentioned how good it feels to be wanted? I've never actually felt wanted before my mom and dad wanted me. They're the only people that ever advocated for me. They're the only people that ever cared, that ever wanted the best for me, that ever gave a damn about my life. I really miss my parents. They made me such a better person. I love them so much. I'm okay without them though. Really, I'm okay without them. They didn't raise me to be dependent on them. From the time I was ten, they raised me to never need anybody, never depend on anybody for anything. I'm independent because of them. I don't need them and I'm okay without them. But god, I really wish they were here. I miss them so much it hurts. I had such a crappy childhood, such a horrible upbringing. But they made me forget, you know? I've been burned with cigarettes, slapped across the face… I've been in and out of foster care. My childhood was so crappy but Karen and Bill made me forget about all of that. I actually very vaguely remember all the crappy things because they filled it with amazing things. It takes amazing people to do that. Amazing people like my parents.

I flip the page that I'm on and find that I'm at the page break to start a new chapter. I guess this is where I'll end for the night. I read through more than half of the book and I'll finish the other half tomorrow. The book is amazing, flat out mind-blowing. But it's really late (or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it) and I should sleep. I have to work tomorrow morning and I need to at least attempt to sleep. I bend the corner of the page I stopped on down to mark my place and shut off my flashlight. I put the book and the flashlight on the side of my bed and roll over in an attempt to fall asleep. I think I might actually have a night terror tonight. One of the signs of my night terrors is smelling funny smells. I think I might have one tonight. Because I smell something… and it smells like wood burning…

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

For the past two nights, I've been awaken by the sound of my phone going off. I'm so irritated when I have to reach over and yank my phone up again for interrupting my sleep for the SECOND night in a row. What irritates me even more though, is how as soon as I pick it up, it stops ringing. Whoever it is, I missed their call. Groggy with sleep, I rub my eyes to clear my vision and look at the caller ID to see who it was. I have three missed calls from Buck. I slide my thumb across the screen to call him back and plop back down on my pillow. The phone rings five times before he answers with a loud, boisterous, "Hello?!" He sounds like he's been running or something like that. He's out of breath and I can hear that in his voice. "Yeah, Buck?" I mutter into my pillow. He starts spitting things out so fast that I can't follow.

"Buck, slow down…"


	9. Unexpected

I could just leave town right here, right now. I have everything packed up. Everything I give a damn about is currently in the trunk of my car. My personals, my prized possessions, my computer, my cards…everything I care about losing, I have. I have clothes, money…enough to hold me over until I get there. I was always looking for a reason to go. This isn't exactly the reason I was looking for, but it's a reason nonetheless. With my very last bag slung over my shoulder, I give the shell of what used to be my house just one last look. It's almost completely cleaned out. The only thing that's left is all my furnishings. I'd like to take the furniture with me, but I can't and I can always just buy more eventually. I sigh and grab the knob of my front door. I close it behind me and lock up my house and dash out to my car. I'd like to sit here and be all sad and nostalgic but I don't have time to be sad and nostalgic right now. So I look in the trunk of my car one last time to make sure I actually have everything I could and should have taken. Yeah…one last glance over everything and I'm sure it's all there. My pictures of me and pop, the picture of me and ma, my books, my computer, everything essential that I'm going to need. I have to be out of here in the next ten minutes. Gone, without a trace.

I have to go and I have to go quickly. It's funny though because throughout my life, anytime I would think of a safe place, I'd immediately think about Sioux City. It's the safest place I've ever been in and aside from the case that got me into the predicament I'm currently in, nothing ever happens here. Sioux City is so safe that you could leave your doors unlocked at night. Funny that way, how the very town I thought to be the safest place in the world, isn't safe for me anymore. This place that I've grown up isn't as quaint as I once thought it was. It's pretty solid to say that I never thought that I would have to pack up everything I could fit into the trunk of my car and leave the home I've owned since I was 24. I also thought for sure that when I finally worked up enough nerve to go to California, I'd always fly there. I never thought that I'd have to drive there, for fear of somebody knowing my flight information and finding out exactly where in this world I'm going. At this point, the cat's out of the bag. Michael Evans is Alex Karev and everybody knows that.

Quickly, I get into the driver's seat and back out of my driveway. I'll miss my house, that's for sure. I'll miss how homely it was. I'll miss the fact that it was in my hometown. But I have to leave and I know that this is the right thing I need to do. I press on the gas pedal and start going off in the direction away from my house, staring at it through the rearview mirror until eventually, it disappears. It's maddening to know that I might not see my house again after tonight. Even if I come back eventually, after everything here in Sioux City dies down, there's no guarantee that my house will still be standing. And based off the things that are currently happening to my properties, I think it's a pretty safe bet to say that my house won't be standing the next time I make the trip back here, if I ever do decide to come back.

Like I said, I could just leave town right now. I could make a left and take the first exit and be on the freeway in less than five minutes. But internally, my conscience and my heart are both battling right now. My heart is telling me to get the hell out of here while I still can, before anything happens to ME. But my conscience is telling me that I won't like myself if I just leave, knowing what I know. I can't just leave. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I didn't at least help or make sure. I push 60 mph down the street and make the sharp left to get to the shop. I'm halfway expecting a crowd of people to be blocking my way but I'm wrong. There aren't any people here on this block and I don't know exactly why, but I could guess. They probably moved on to my house, that's my guess. I'm glad I made it out of there when I did. I throw my car's gearshift in park and just stare at the scene. It's like watching somebody die or get into a car wreck. You know you shouldn't look but something inside of you is biologically inclined to draw your eye to the scene.

The sign that used to be outside of the building that has my dad's name on it is on the sidewalk, up in flames. The front windows are busted out and the front door is open. It looks like something out of a scary movie. The flames are so bright orange that they look fake. The smoke coming from the flames is thick and white and filling up the night sky. It's noisy, too. I can actually hear it burning. I can hear the wood disintegrating from the scorching hot heat. I could break down and cry at how it's going down but I don't have time to do that. Sure I'm sad that it's up in flames like this. Sure I'm sorry that I caused this huge riot. But I'll mourn over the loss of the store later. Each moment I'm sitting out here in shock of how this is happening is a moment wasted. Each moment is precious. Instead of sitting and sulking at the fact that white-hot, yellow, red and orange flames are engulfing the store that pop invested himself in, I open up my door and get out. I slam the car door shut and aside from the sound of the building burning, I hear sirens coming but they're way too far away for me to wait out here and do nothing. I run to the side of the building and reach the wooden steps. I'm surprised that they're still intact.

Since the foundation is now weak from going up in flames, I run as fast as I can up the steps, trying to bear as little weight as possible on them so they don't cave in on me. I make it to the top landing and think about something. Should I knock? What if she's naked? What if she's doing something private? I stand on my tiptoes and crane my neck over to see inside the window. There are flames so deep in the apartment so whatever, I'll ditch the knocking thing. I'm not sure how much she'd care about me violating her privacy by just going in if I save her life by doing it. I grab onto the door handle but pull back quickly as the handle just burned my hand. The handle is metal so it's housing a great deal of heat. I didn't think before I just grabbed the door and now I have a burn blister on my hand. I take a step back and give the door one good, solid, hard kick. It doesn't take much force to break the door in since it's already weakened by the heat, but it still required a little bit of strength to get it open. Everything in the foundation is just weakened from the heat. This place is going to cave in. This building is going down sooner, rather than later.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

_My mouth won't stop moving so much. My mouth just keeps moving and it's making my teeth click. And my body is shaking. I need a blanket. I really need a blanket so bad. I think my toes aren't there no more. Please give me a blanket somebody. I curled my body up into a ball because I'm comfy like that but I have to uncurl myself if I want to ask for a blanket. My legs hurt and my toes don't feel like they're there. My body won't stop shaking but I stand up anyway. I hold onto the big railing and put one foot in front of the other to climb up the stairs. I hate these stairs. They're so big. But my toes don't feel like they're there anymore so I fall down on my knee. I catch myself on my hand though and keep walking. When I make it to the top step, I knock on the door. "…'Scuse me." I knock harder so maybe they can hear me. "'Scuse me!" I'm not posed to ask if I can come out before they let me out but sometimes I think they forget about me. I been down here for a long time. I been down here since the little hand was on the three on the clock and the little hand is on the six now. I'm not asking to come out I'm just asking for a blanket please. A blanket so my mouth can stop making my teeth make noise. "…'Scuse me…" My eyes are wet and the water coming out of them burns my face because I'm so cold._

_Why won't they let me out? I just sit down against the door and curl myself up into a ball again. I wasn't a good girl but I think I'm done being sorry now. I forgot to wipe off the table after I ate my ice cream and they put me down here. I'm done being sorry. I'll clean up next time. I put my head against the door and sniff a lot. My chest has the hiccups. I wipe off my face with my hands but even though I wiped it off, the water keeps coming out of them. If I can't come out, can I please just have a blanket? That's all. I don't like it in here. It's dark and cold and there are spiders everywhere. I'm sorry. I'll be good. I really don't think my toes are there no more. I put my leg down and take off my sock. My toes are still there but my arm bumps something. I look at what it is. I know what this is! I seen this before! It gets hot! It makes things hot! I pick it up and put it close to my eyes. I can't remember how he used it to light the grill on fire but I think he pushed… I push the button and WOW. I'm not posed to play with this I don't think. They say kids can't play with the hot stuff but I'm not a kid. I'm seven, I'm not a kid. I let the button go and the hot stuff goes away._

_This will make me warm up. I just have to find the grill. I remember when he lighted the grill on fire. He lighted a piece of paper and threw it on a pile of rocks, yep. He had this water too. He put water on the hot stuff and the hot stuff was A LOT of hot stuff. But I standed next to it and it was warm. I just have to find a rock and the water stuff and I'm saved. I walk back down the steps to the big part of the basement and look for a rock. I push the button on the thingy again just to make sure it still works. I wonder if it's the same hot stuff. What's this button do? I push the other button and the hot stuff stays. I don't even have to push the button to make the hot stuff appear again because it stays. Okay, I have to find a rock now. It was a black rock, I remember. Okay, stay right here. I put down the thingy on the floor so I can find a black rock. I walk over by the washing machine. _

_When I turn my head back, the curtain thing is yellow and orange. It's on fire. What do I do now? More water starts coming out of my eyes. This is way too much hot stuff…_

There has to be some way out of this. There has to be. Don't they think about things like this when they design houses and apartments? Don't they hire people to take these things into account? There should be a fire extinguisher. There should be more than two ways out of here. I should be able to get the hell out of here. Just like the last time I was in a situation like this, I'm crying. I was seven the last time I had to battle with a fire and I really don't remember what I did to get out of that situation. I don't remember. I put my hands against my bedroom window and try to open it but the glass is just entirely too hot. I burn the palms of my hands on it. _Where's the fire department?! They should've been here! _Even though the window is burning my hands, I keep smacking on it. It has to cave in at some point. This is my only way of escaping. The locks on my door melted so I can't open up my door. The window's hot and it won't budge but it's my only way out. Dear god, this CANNOT be happening to me. This can't be happening. I was reading a book and then I went to go to sleep and now…

I was on my way to sleep and I smelled the smell of burning wood. Originally, I thought that it was just a sign that I was about to have a night terror. Back when I was younger and had night terrors every single night, I remember smelling the smell of burned plastic. Every time I was going to have a night terror, I smelled burned plastic. It never failed, ever. So I thought that the burning wood smell was just a sign. But it wasn't going away. And the more I laid there in bed, the more I felt myself beginning to sweat. I was sweating so profusely that my shirt was soaking wet. When I stood up to change my shirt, the smell of burning wood got stronger and I started smelling smoke to go along with it. And my throat started closing up. And I looked outside, throughout my front door and noticed that there were flames coming out of the store. I don't know how the store caught on fire but it's on fire. It might be the faulty, old wiring in the place that made it catch on fire, combined with the fact that it was raining earlier tonight. I'm not sure. But I panicked, of course. And I started shoving all of my clothes and stuff into garbage bags. Do you know how quickly things burn? I swear I thought I had enough time to pack up all my stuff and get the hell out of the building before it burned completely down but I was wrong. By the time I was done packing up all my stuff, the flames started coming inside my house and my locks were melted and my window was steaming hot. I have all my things packed up but I can't get out of here. I'm stuck in here.

…I remember what I did the last time I was in this situation. I remember now. I wipe my tears away with the backs of my hands and finally stop beating on the window. I realize now that it's useless for me to beat on the window because it's not going to cave in. The locks on my door are melted so I'm locked in. The window won't budge. There's no other way for me to get out of here, just like there was no way for me to get out of that basement when I set it on fire, back when I was seven. So since I realized that, I'm pretty content with the fact that I'm going to die in here. I pick up my stuff, including the bear I've had since I was a little girl. He's my favorite bear in the world and even throughout college, I couldn't bear to part with him. So I sling the garbage bag full of my stuff over my shoulder and grab my bear by one of his paws. I remember exactly what I did when I was seven. I walk back through the smoke, careful not to burn myself with the flames that are licking their way through my apartment. I go inside my bathroom and pull my shower curtain back. I climb inside my shower with my things and my bear and lie down in the bathtub. I don't know what else to do. I can't get out of here and I'm going to die. Eventually, I'll pass out from the smoke inhalation. Maybe I'll get lucky enough to die of smoke inhalation before I burn to death. I'm going to die in here. I might as well be comfortable, right?

I clutch my bear to my chest and close my eyes. I remember curling up in a ball in the little washtub they had down in the basement for the dogs. It was the warmest place in the basement I could find and I remember not wanting to be cold when I died. I held my bear just like I'm doing now—because he was scared of the fire—and I closed my eyes. I don't remember exactly how I got out of the burning basement alive but I did, somehow. That part of my memory is really fuzzy. At least if I die, I'm going to see my mom and my dad. They're probably up there in heaven, if heaven exists, waiting for me with arms wide open. In all honesty, I were to ever die young, I always thought that it'd be because I had committed suicide. I never thought that I'd be waiting for my death in my burning apartment. I always thought that I would've killed myself if I were to die young. I never envisioned my death to be this way but oddly enough, I'm alright with the fact that I'm going die. I think I'm ready to go. My chest is starting to tighten and my throat feels like it's closing up. The longer I can't breathe, the more lightheaded I become. _At least it's not going to be painful._

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

As soon as I go inside the apartment, I'm overwhelmed with smoke. It's thick, smoggy and so hard to see. I keep my hand over my mouth so I inhale as little smoke as possible and look around. I don't see any sign of her. I can't see much through the thick smoke anyway, but the little bit I can see, I don't see any signs that she might even be in here. I don't know what just came over me, but all of a sudden, her name just comes back to me. "JO?!" I call out to her. I still try to look around. Everything I look at just turns out to be a flame. There's a bed on the floor that's in flames, blankets on the bed that are in flames and a TV that's shattered on the floor. She's gotta be in here somewhere. And even if she's not, I won't leave until I'm absolutely sure. I just feel like I've already caused enough problems. I'm the reason this place is burning. I'm the reason behind all of this and if I left out of here without at least making sure she's not in here, I wouldn't forgive myself. I already can't get the sound of Buck's panicked voice in my ear out of my head. He was talking to me as they were setting the place on fire. He said a group of about 100 or so people were outside rioting and somehow, the store ended up on fire. And they kept throwing papers and cloths that were set on fire into the store. And they moved on after the store went up in flames, presumably to set my house on fire next.

I sidestep a flame so I don't burn myself and check in the closet. There's nothing but an empty basket in the closet. I kick the door to the bathroom in and look around; nothing in here but an empty toilet paper roll. Did she flee already? "JO?!" I think she might've left already. It looks like she cleaned out all her belongings and got the hell out of here. I have to check everywhere though. I won't be able to deal with myself if I left, not knowing if she burned to death in here or not. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a murderer. I won't leave until I'm sure she's not in here. I don't think her body would've disintegrated yet. This place hasn't been burning long enough for her to have burned completely. I grab onto the hot shower curtain and pull it back to look in the bathtub. _I knew she was in here somewhere. _She had to be in here. I don't know how she would've gotten out, being honest. The locks on the door are melted and I don't see a window anywhere. She's curled up in a ball, holding something close to her chest. Her eyes are closed like she might be asleep. She has on a pair of long pajama pants and a sweatshirt. Her hair is pulled back and there's a bag in the bathtub with her, which means that she probably tried to escape but she gave up. "Jo!" I shake her shoulder and try to wake her up. It's not until her head falls limply to the side that I realize she's not sleeping, she's unconscious. I grab the small, black trash bag and the thing she was holding—which happens to be a teddy bear—and grab her arm. I pull her limp, lifeless body up and hoist her over my shoulder. She's not very heavy. She actually feels like I just put a small child over my shoulder. I don't think she's breathing. If she's dead, should I just leave her? Clearly she wanted to die in her bathtub with her bear, right? I don't know.

It's getting really bad in here. I hear the foundation creaking so I make a beeline to the door I kicked in and walk fast but still carefully, down the front steps. I keep my arms around her legs so I don't drop her but I walk to the front sidewalk, right next to my car so we're a decent distance away from the flames. I kneel and put her softly down on the sidewalk. "Jo…. Jo." I shake her by her shoulders again and still, no response. Maybe I should just leave her here. I really think she might be dead and if she is, that's my fault. I can't have her be dead. I can't have the fact that I killed a girl on my conscience. I can't live with that in my heart. I put my ear down to her chest to listen for a heartbeat. Her heart is still beating. "Come on, Jo…. you're alive." I gently but still forcibly slap at her face. Her face is soot-covered and dirty. "Come on." I keep smacking her face. I can't live with myself if I knew that somebody died over the fact that I wrote something. I don't know the first thing about CPR but I know that you're supposed to push on the chest, right? I've seen that in the movies. I push with my hands down on her chest. I tilt her head upwards so it's straight and lean down. I don't know how to give mouth-to-mouth but I'm really going to try. I didn't drive across town in the middle of a riot, go into a burning building and save her just for her to die because I can't give CPR. I could've left town without even checking to see if she was okay but I didn't and I'm not going to let her die. Just as I start to lower my face down to hers, her eyelids flutter and I'm not sure, but I think a soft cough comes from her mouth.

"Ehhhem… ehhem." She smacks her lips together and opens her eyes, but her face is contorted like she's in pain. Her eyes are such a pretty shade of brown but they're watery, like she's going to cry. She slowly lifts herself and props herself up on her elbows. Her voice is hoarse and rough, not that sweet tone she usually has. She brings her hand up and touches her head. "Ow…" She's still coming to her senses. I stand up and put her bag down on the sidewalk next to her. Okay, I'm glad she's not dead but I really have to go now. I can't stick around here for long. I did my duty and that's all I can afford to do. I pick my car keys out of my pocket and unlock the door. I turn around and start walking away when I find that I'm still holding the stuffed animal. She's shaking her head like she's clearing her mind from something. "M…My house." She finally springs up like she got all her senses back but she still seems really confused. "I had a bag… where's my—" She's looking around like she doesn't have a clue what's going on.

"Here." I pick up the bag and the bear and hand them both to her. She takes them off of me slowly but surely and puts her hand on her throat. It's almost inaudible, but I do hear a very soft, very strained "Thanks" come out of her mouth. I put my closed fist up to my mouth and lightly cough into it. If I'm coughing just from the little bit of smoke I inhaled, I can only imagine what her throat must be feeling like. How is she talking? I don't know. I just turn around and head back to my car because I seriously need to get out of here soon. I feel like I should say something else to her but I don't know what else I should say, so I just say the first thing that comes to my mind. "…Take care." I mutter, my voice still just a little bit gruff from needing to cough again. As soon as I say that to her, her face scrunches up like she's very confused. I'm actually surprised that she's not more disoriented than what she is. I don't know how long she's been unconscious but she was unconscious anyway and I think she should be just a little bit more perplexed than she is. She's tough, it seems. I nod at her and start walking back to my car.

"…Where are you going?" She starts walking after me and when I turn around, I see that she's stumbling. She must be dizzy. She holds her hand on her forehead and closes her eyes. "I… I mean…I mean, thank you." A hard, unexpected cough slips through her lips. She drops the bag and the bear and takes a jumbled up, stumbling step over towards a grassy area. Her cough is so hard and dry that it sounds like it hurts. After the fourth coughing spell she has, she hunches over and puts her hands on her knees. She opens her mouth up and ends up puking. I don't think she's sick, I just think she was coughing so hard that she gagged herself. She should go to a hospital and get some fluids or something, I don't know. I'm not a doctor but I think she needs checked out. I reach in the back of my pocket and take out the only twenty dollar bill I have in there. I walk it over to her and hold it out, waiting for her to take it. "…I don't need that." She's still hunched over with her hands on her knees with her head down. She spits in the pile of her vomit and wipes her mouth. Her forehead is glistening with sweat. "…Where are you going?" She asks me again.

"…Away from here." I keep the twenty dollars in my hand so she'll take it. "Come on and take the damn money, I've gotta get going…" I crane my neck and look down the street to make sure no lynch mobs or rioting groups are coming after me. Right now, the only thing I see is the flashing lights of fire trucks coming our way. _Took long enough to get here. _"Take the money. I really gotta go… you should go to a hospital or something." I try to force the twenty bucks in her hand but she won't take it. I really wish she'd take the damn money. It's all the cash I've got on me right now. I'll feel so much better about myself if she takes the money. I know that she's got nothing and this is all my freaking fault so just take the damn money. Make me feel better about myself and take the money.

"…I can't take it." She finally stands upright and looks at me with tears in her eyes. "What's twenty dollars going to do for me?" She looks away from me because she's crying now. "I… don't have a home." She shrugs her shoulders. "So just keep it." I don't have the heart to tell her that it's my fault that she's homeless. It really didn't dawn on me that she's homeless until she just said it. That was her house that just burned down. Her HOUSE. She doesn't have a house anymore because of me. "Thank you." She says for the billionth time as she bends down to pick up the garbage bag and the bear that she put on the ground so she could throw up. "Where are you going?" She asks me again, for the TRILLIONTH time. "Maybe I'll see you around…"

"I doubt it…" I put the twenty bucks back in my pocket. I wish I could do something for her. This is totally and completely, utterly my fault. I didn't even realize that this stuff would go as far as it did. I never intended for anyone to get hurt. Now I just feel horrible. "At least let me take you to the hospital…I'll drop you off, come on."

"I don't need the hospital." She shakes her head. "I'm fine. I'm really okay." She shakes her head.

"Let me take you to the hospital."

"You go to the hospital." She retorts, glaring at me like I'm kicking a puppy. "I don't need you to worry about me." She just shakes her head and starts walking up the street. I feel like I owe her something. She's homeless because of me. Where the hell is she going to go?

"…California." I stop her. I'm almost certain that I'm going to regret saying what I'm about to say but it's really the least I can do. A mob of people that set out to hurt me ended up hurting her instead. They burned down her house over something that I did. I only have twenty bucks in cash on me, nothing else. I can't help her much but I feel like I should help her. I'm about to regret this. She's naggy and so annoying. She actually stops walking up the street and turns around. The more I look at her, the more I realize that I have to do something to help her. It'll make me feel better if I help her. I don't care if she doesn't want my help, I HAVE to help her. It'll weigh so heavily on my conscience if I don't help her. I'll end up walking around with all this guilt and I'll feel terrible for the rest of my life. She's standing in front of me with a trash bag full of everything she owns, holding a stuffed animal. I gotta help her. "I'm going to California…driving there. You can…come with me." She starts shaking her head and her mouth opens but I'm not going to let her decline. It'll kill me if I let this girl go homeless and it's my fault. "It'll beat the hell out of you trying to find somewhere else to live tonight. Just come get in the car… I'll figure it out. You'll have somewhere to sleep tonight though, at least." I shrug my shoulders.

Her face is so dirty and she looks like she needs a good night's rest. She looks at me like she's very hesitant to say yes to this and I guess I understand why she would be. We're perfect strangers. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. We've only talked a handful of times before this. But she has to believe that I'm not out to do anything bad. I went into a burning building to save her life, for god's sake. I'm not trying to do anything to her besides help her. I'm capable of being a human being. But she's looking at me like she wants to say no, so I just turn my head and raise my eyebrows to let her know that I'm serious. "…Okay." I take a sigh of relief and grab my keys once again. I thought I was going to have to pull her teeth to get her to come with me and that would've been so annoying because I'm still trying to get the hell out of this town as soon as I possibly can.

I cross the street, past the fire trucks that are parking and stuff and quietly slip away to my car. I think the firefighters took so long to get here because they knew all about the riots and the mobs and they knew that it was _my _store that they were burning down. That's just a guess though. I push the button on my car remote to pop my trunk so she can put her stuff in the trunk. She's moving awfully slow but I think it's just because she's sad—which she has every reason to be—and because she's still recovering. She seems really against the hospital so I won't force it but I really think she should she go. I wish she would hurry up before the firefighters start asking questions. I decide against rushing her though. I let her take her time and she eventually gets over to me. She takes the open trunk hint and piles her bag into the trunk, along with the stuffed animal. I slam the trunk shut and get in the driver's seat. I can tell that she doesn't trust this idea yet because she gets in the back seat. I didn't tell her she had to, she just did. I lock the doors when she's inside and start the car. I start driving up the street and heading towards the exit.

"…What's in California?" Her voice clearly says that she's tired. I look at her through the rearview mirror as I drive. I really don't even think she cares; I think she's just asking just to ask. She's staring out the window like a lifeless zombie. Her hands are folded neatly in her lap, her eyes are low like she might fall asleep and she has soot all over her body. Her face is covered in it and so is her light blue t-shirt. Her hair is flat and lifeless just like the rest of her. "…Can you drop me off at..." Her voice trails off. She sounds so dead. "Nevermind."

"No, where do you want to go?" I ask her.

"Massachusetts…" She mumbles. "Nevermind though." She sighs. "Mind if I lie down?"

"Knock yourself out." I shrug and keep driving. I watch through the mirror as she lies down in the backseat of my car and closes her eyes. I'm not sure, but I think I see a tear slip out of her eye. I don't know if she knows that the whole house-burning-down thing is my fault but I won't tell her. "I have a house out in California." She doesn't look like she's functioning so I'm not sure if she's asleep but on the off chance that she's not and she still wants to know the answer to her question, I'll tell her anyway. "Doesn't seem much safe in Sioux City anymore so I'm going out to my house in California. I've been meaning to move out there… finally got my chance." She doesn't say anything, which confirms to me that she's sleeping.

I just sigh and keep my eyes on the road. What the hell have I done? I have to leave my home because it's not SAFE anymore. I got her house burned down in the process, she's homeless. Which resulted in her being in the back seat of my car, sleeping. Now I'm on my way, driving across the country because it's not even safe for me to fly, with a girl that I don't even know. I have a perfect stranger, fleeing the state with me. Seriously, what the hell have I done?

* * *

**A/N:** So I hope you guys see where I'm taking this story. It's a little bit different than anything I've done and it's different than any other Jolex story I've seen. You guys seem to like it so far so I hope you keep liking it. I just have a couple things I wanna say though. I've gotten some questions on tumblr about this as well as a review on here and I think it's cute that you guys care that much lol. So here it goes:

1\. Even though I LOVE the song In The End by Linkin Park, that's not the inspiration for the title. Sorry, but that's not it! lol.

2\. Music goes into a lot of my writing process. I can't write without music. So yeah, a lot of my stories are inspired by songs. I know some of you don't really give a crap about the song that the story is based off of, but there are a few people that actually care so I'll tell you that no, the song that inspired this story was not In The End by Linkin Park. If you're interested in knowing, the song that inspired this story actually came from one of my favorite childhood movies. I heard it for the first time in a while one day last month and i thought the story told in the song was beautiful and I immediately thought of Jolex (of coruse). So if you want to listen to the song that inspired this story, it's called At The Beginning by Richard Marx &amp; Donna Lewis. The story told in the song is a DIRECT reflection of what's going to happen in this story.

So yeah, there you guys have it! :)

P.S. Let me know what you think of the way the story's going. I might not update tomorrow with it being Grey's Day and all. &amp; Let me know if you listened to the song or not.

-flawlesspeasant


	10. Favors

"Hey…" I feel big, rough hands against my arm and the sound of a voice, unfamiliar surrounding me. Why is it that every time I'm fortunate enough to fall asleep, I'm always awaken for some reason? Is there some unspoken rule that I'm not allowed to sleep until _I'm _ready to wake up? I should be able to sleep until I can't sleep anymore or until I absolutely have to wake up. "Hey, uh… Jo." The hands on my arm shake me so hard that my head slams back into something soft but still firm enough that it hurts. I wrinkle my brow and grudgingly lift my head up. _Where the hell am I? Who's waking me up? _As soon as I open my eyes, my headache sets in. I have such a horrible headache that's radiating from my eyes to the back of my head. It's like a dull, aching sensation in my head. It takes my vision a moment to come completely into focus, so I rub them with the backs of my hands to speed up the process. _Oh, now I remember. _I hold myself up with my elbow and blink my eyes a couple times to fully adjust. _He's the one waking me up. _If I'm being honest, for a while there, I thought that this was all a dream. I thought that I had fallen asleep after I read some of that book tonight. I thought I had a dream that my apartment was on fire. And I dreamt that I had fallen asleep in my bathtub because I was going to inevitably burn to death. And someone picked me up and saved me from the fire. Yeah, I thought that this was all just a dream.

But I feel the scratchiness in the back of my throat, signifying that I did breathe in some smoke. I feel his hand against my skin to wake me and even though it's dark, I can clearly see that I actually am in his car. It wasn't a dream. Yes, my house did burn down and yes, somehow I was stupid enough to agree to get into a car with a perfect stranger. I didn't dream up him saying "Get in the car with me while I go to California". I didn't dream up my stupidity and lack of judgment to say yes. What am I doing? No, he has to take me back to Iowa. I can't go across the country with someone I don't even know. No, better yet, he has to take me to Massachusetts. I can find a job in or near Boston and keep working to save up enough to pay my deposit. I can't go to California. How stupid am I to have even agreed to that? "What time is it?" I sit up quickly and put my feet down on the floor mats of his car. I run my hand through my hair and am brought back down to harsh reality when I find that my hands sting. I burned them, I remember. "I… I have to…" No matter how hard I try, I can't gather my thoughts. My mind is running at a thousand miles a minute and my body is seriously lagging behind.

He's in the front seat of the car rummaging through something, it seems. It seems like he's looking for something that he's having a tough time finding. "It's four in the morning." He answers me but the tone of his voice sounds like I'm nothing but a menace or a nuisance to him. "I know you're probably not tired sleeping beauty, but I am." He keeps talking to me but the only thing I can think about is how it's four in the morning. How long have I been asleep? How far are we away from Iowa? How far are we away from Massachusetts? How far did we even make it from Sioux City? "We're at a motel... We can get some sleep for the night, so I can get up and drive again." He sounds like he's in a horrible mood. _I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I was just thinking about myself. I hadn't even realized that it was his store that burned down as well. He must be devastated… _"Come on." He grabs a dark blue credit card and just leaves the mess of things he was sifting through on the passenger's seat.

Motel? I can't stay in a motel…I really need to go back to Sioux City. Or he could at least take me to Massachusetts. I can't do this. I don't even know him…we don't even like each other! He's mean to me, he's a douchebag. I'm not going across the country with him. This is insane! "Do you think—" I just stop talking because even though he was in the car when I started speaking to him, he cut me off by getting out of the car and shutting the door. I reach over and open up the door. My whole body feels like I was hit by a train, but I power through it and step, with achy legs, out of the car. I gently shut the door and walk around the car to the trunk, where he's currently at. "Is it possible for you to take me to Massachusetts at all?" I just stand back and watch as he digs through the bags he has in his trunk. He doesn't seem to be paying attention to anything I'm saying but I'll keep trying. "I can't go to California. I… thank you for helping me out of my apartment…and thank you for letting me stick around in your car. But California is very out of the way for me." I put my hands on my hips and wait for him to say something to acknowledge the fact that he at least heard what I just said. He just keeps sorting through the stuff in his trunk though. "…I'm trying to go to school in Boston. I got accepted into a program in Boston and I'm just—"

"I'm not going that way." He finally cuts me off. "Massachusetts is east, I'm going west. I'm not backtracking all the way to a different state. Sorry for your luck." He grabs a blue backpack from his truck and puts it over his shoulder. I wrinkle my brow at him and tilt my head. "Why are you looking at me like that?" He talks slow, like he's speaking to a mentally retarded person. "Grab some clothes from your bag and come on." He motions to the trunk. _Yeah, I definitely can't stand being around someone like him, let alone driving across the damn country with him. He's god-awful. _"…What?" His voice raises a pitch to reflect his annoyance with me. "I'm sorry, but I'm not going that way. Just like California is out of the way for you, Massachusetts is out of the way for me."

"…But I can't go to California." I'm starting to get so angry with him. For two freaking seconds, can't he just ACT like he's a human being?! Can't he just PRETEND like someone else's life, hardships and struggles actually matter to him? "There's nothing for me in California. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't have anything anymore, what's in California for me? I'm not like you. I don't have a house, a car, a JOB waiting for me. I can't just up and go to California, don't you get it?"

"Then I don't know what to tell you." He shrugs his shoulders. "That's where I'm going and I'm not turning around to go to Massachusetts. So California it is." I just narrow my eyes and shake my head at him because that's all I can do. It amazes me how one person can be so heartless and disgusting. How can so much cruelty and hatred live in one person? He's literally so selfish and disgusting. I take two steps over to the car and snatch my bag and my bear from the trunk. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, but I'm _going _to find a way to Massachusetts on my own. If he's not going to help me I'm going to have to help myself. I'm 23 years old and I'm old enough to do things on my own. I just can't see myself driving across the country with someone like him. I would've rather burned in the fire than be stuck with him. _So narrow-minded and thickheaded it's amazing. _I secure my things in my hands and start walking towards the road we came up to get here in the parking lot of the motel. "…Where in the hell are you going?" I ignore him and just keep walking. I'm not sure where we're at. I don't know how far from Sioux City we got because I fell asleep but I'm going to make it on my own. "Jo! I said where are you going?!" _How did I get so unlucky? _"HEY JO!" I look down the street and wait for the oncoming car to pass. When it passes, I cross the street. "IT'S FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING!" _I don't care what time it is. I can't stay another moment with you. _He shuts the trunk of his car and drops his bags on the ground but I turn my back to walk in the right direction.

I hear footsteps behind me as I'm walking but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of turning around. _Wow, he must be a fast runner to have gotten over to me that quickly. _As I keep walking with intensity in each step I take, I hear loud stomps behind me. "Stop following me." I spit out at him, the words rolling off my tongue like I'm spitting fire. A lot of people have made me angry in my lifetime but nobody has ever made me feel the way he's making me feel. I really could slap him across his face. "I said stop following me. Just leave me alone. Get away from me." As I keep walking, I feel his hand wrap around my wrist and grab ahold of my arm; and that completely sets me off the deep end. I rip my wrist out of his grasp and whip around, my ponytail flings all over my head. "I'M SO SERIOUS. _DON'T _YOU DARE TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!" He's looking at me like he's amused by my flipping out. He has a smirk on his face and his eyebrows are raised. "Now STOP following me." He starts laughing as soon as I say that. _Oh my god I could kill him. _"Would it KILL you to be a decent person for three seconds?! You re the most… the most…" _He's not my boss anymore, nor is he my landlord. _"The most DISGUSTING person I've ever met! Can you just act like you understand that I'm _homeless _and I'm scared and I'm with a stranger that I don't know." I shake my head. "I'm beginning to think you would shrivel up and DIE if you were to act like you give a damn about a person's emotions for even ONE second! I'd… I'd rather die than spend time with you. Thank you for getting me out of that building alive…but don't act like you did me any favors…because you didn't. You just made my life HELL."

He puts his hands in his pockets and keeps that annoying little smirk on his face. "You're scared of me?" _I never said that. I just said that I'm scared in general, you prick. I'm not afraid of you. If I wanted to, I could kick your ass without an issue. _"Don't you think if I wanted to kill you, I'd just let you burn? Don't you think if I wanted to torture you, I wouldn't have even let you sleep? Don't you think if I wanted to…_rape_ you, I would've done it already? You don't have a reason to be afraid of me. You're just going overboard on the dramatics." _I guess he has a point. If he was going to hurt me, he could've done it by now. _"I actually drove all the way across town from my house to make sure you were okay and somehow that makes me a disgusting person? I do understand that you're homeless and I get that I'm a stranger. But as far as you being scared, I don't get that." He doesn't even seem like he's trying to argue with me or get smart. He just seems like he wants me to understand that he's not this horrible person. "Look…" He brings his hand up and scratches his head. "I can't backtrack and take you to Massachusetts right now. But I have a place in California and I have some more money invested out there. If you let me get there, I'll find a way to…send you back to Massachusetts, Iowa…wherever you want to go. I'll figure it all out for you. But you gotta let me get to California first." I cross my arms and look down at the ground. _I don't know if I can trust a person like him… _"…Are you coming to the motel to sleep or not?"

He seems genuine but I just don't know. See, this is exactly how people hurt you. They seem like they mean you no harm and they make you let them in but then they just turn around and treat you horrible. How do I know if this man is trustworthy? How do I trust that he's a good person when so far, he's only shown me that he's a jerk? _It's just a place to sleep for the night. _I tighten the grip on my bag and my bear and start walking back across the street. He starts walking too. "…Thank you, by the way." I don't think I properly thanked him for saving my life. I've said thank you a bunch of times but I don't think he knows that I mean it. "I really am thankful that you helped me out of there. And I didn't really mean what I said when I said that I'd rather die… I didn't mean that. I was just angry." He doesn't say anything but I know he heard me because he puts his head down and does something crossed between a nod and a shrug. "…So um…" He takes his keys from his pocket and locks his car back up as we weave through the parking lot of the motel. He leads the way to the entrance of the building while I think of a way to phrase this. "Why drive to California? Why not fly?"

"Your moods give me whiplash." He chides, pulling the door open and holding it so I can pass through before he does. _That was sweet. _I roll my eyes at his remark though and he catches me in the act. "No seriously, one minute you hate me and the next you're talking to me like we've been buddies for years. Your moods give me whiplash. You should consider making up your mind. Which is it? Do you like me or do you hate me?" He rests his elbows on the check-in counter and rings the small bell on the desk to request service.

"It looks like I'm stuck riding across the country with you no matter if I like you or not, so I just figure it wouldn't hurt to give it a chance." I look around the motel. The lobby looks really cheap. The wallpaper is peeling, the carpet has a bunch of stains and chairs in the lobby look rundown and very old. It's somewhere safe to sleep for the night though. "At this rate, I'm not sure if I ever will like you." He shrugs his shoulders and looks down at the sign-in sheet like he's actually reading it. "I just figure it'll be a lot less exhausting if I pretend to like you."

"At least your logic is pretty solid." He mumbles.

I tilt my head to look at his cell phone to check the time. I thought about asking him if his fake name just so happens to be Michael Evans but I've decided against it, actually. I'm pretty certain that he's not Michael Evans and I don't want him to feel like I'm being real nosy. "So why drive to California instead of flying?" I ask again.

"Can't afford it." He spits out quickly, like he's trying to get rid of me. I guess I understand that, but why would he rather drive? I think flying might actually be cheaper. By driving, he has to pay for all the gas it's going to take to make this trip and he's going to have to pay for food along the way. I think flying might actually be cheaper in the end, really. His backpack is slipping off his arm so he slides the strap back up and stands up straight to meet the lobbyist. The lobbyist is a real short man with a round, potbelly hanging out the bottom of his shirt. He's bald with a mustache and he looks like he might've been asleep. "I need two rooms…" Alex says, reaching in his pocket to grab his card. He slips his card out of his hand and a bunch of papers fall out along with it. He hands the man his card to slide it and while he takes care of paying for the rooms, I pick up the papers that fell from his pocket. It's just a bunch of receipts and bank statements. I can't help myself… I just glance at the bank statement and my eyes widen so much. His bank balance looks like a phone number! _So he lied about not being able to afford the plane… _I play off the fact that I just saw his balance and just hand him the papers. He takes them off me and shoves them back in his pockets. "What do you mean you don't have two single rooms available?" He sounds angry. The lobbyist's face is stone though. "Can't you just do some rearranging or something? I just need two rooms. Two singles. That's it."

"I'm sorry." The lobbyist's voice is gravelly but it's one of those voices that automatically demands respect. "I have a double available; one room, two beds, one bathroom. Or I have a single; one room, one bedroom, one bathroom. That's all I have available." He hands him back the card and starts typing on a computer. "Did you want the double or the single?"

"…Gimme the double." He mutters and shoves his card back in his pocket. We have to share a room? Really? _At least we don't have to share a bed though, I guess. _"Piece of shit motel." He mumbles under his breath, snatches the room key away from the man and starts walking up the hallway. I just follow him without a word to the lobbyist. I'm sorry that he has to be so rude at times but at the same time, it's not my behavior to be apologizing for. When he gets to the door of the room we're supposed to be staying in, he shoves the key in the lock and twists it to open the door. He opens it up and immediately turns the light on. "…You've gotta be kidding me." He says as soon as he opens the door. The room is kind of dirty but it's a place to sleep. "Disgusting…" He shakes his head and puts his stuff on the floor.

"It's not so bad." I put my stuff down on the floor too. The light flickers on and off. "It's just a place to sleep, right?" I look around. The beds are both full size beds and they at least look clean. The floors are filthy and the walls are gross but at least the beds look okay. It's a motel, what did he expect? "I'm actually going to take a shower…" I open up my bag of clothes and start going through it for something to wear. I grab a pair of pink underwear and a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I think it's kind of sad how I could fit everything I own and care about into a tiny little garbage bag. I bawl my clothes up into a ball and stand up. As soon as I turn around to face him, I'm shocked. It's like I just got slapped in the face with something.

He's shirtless and rummaging through his own backpack. He's _shirtless. _And my god, he's actually…beautiful? He's so muscular and buff. His biceps are huge and his back is facing me so I can see the big, full muscles in his back. He's like a baby bodybuilder. He's not as big and burly as the usual bodybuilders but he looks like a junior one. His veins aren't popping out and his muscles aren't so big that they look fake. I can just tell that he works out. _Oh my god… _I catch myself biting my lip. "Hurry up in there. I wanna take one too." He turns to face me. _Jesus Christ. _He has such a sexy six-pack. His abs are perfectly sculpted and molded and you know that little v-line? The v… on a guy's waist, right before his junk starts? He has a sexy v-line. _Why do all the douchebag guys have to be sexy? _"Are you gonna go?" He sounds impatient. I feel like I'm drunk. I nod my head and start moving towards the bathroom. I sneak one last look at him before I shut the bathroom door. _He's so muscular. Geez. I bet his… I bet… his junk has muscles in it too. _

I shut and lock the door behind myself and look around the bathroom. It's no better than the actual room. It's dirty and so raggedy but again, it's just a place for me to wash myself. I start undressing and look at myself in the mirror. My face… my face is so filthy. It's covered with dirt and my hair is greasy and disgusting. I just wish I could go back in time and rewind back to earlier tonight. I don't want to be homeless. I don't even want to be here with him. I want to be home back in my bed, reading The Hour by my favorite author. I usually don't like to have a victim complex about myself, but seriously. I'm so screwed here. He promised that he'll help me get back to Massachusetts when he gets to California but what's the use? I don't have money. I can't pay my deposit. They're going to give my spot away at Harvard. I just don't know what to do anymore. My life is just falling apart.

But throughout this trip, maybe I'll get to know Alex well enough to the point that this isn't so bad.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I wrap my towel around my waist and step out from the steaming hot shower. That shower was much, much needed. I just feel like I washed away all my worries. Don't tell anybody, but I did have a nice, long, much awaited cry in the shower. It wasn't one of those punk cries, so don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a sissy and I don't cry much. But I was just standing there underneath all the water and I was just thinking about how the store is actually gone. The store is gone and I'm not in Iowa anymore. I managed to make a girl homeless. The store burned down, I lost my safe home, I made a girl homeless and I fled the state, all in one night. I should go for some type of record in the hall of fame or something. What would pop think about all this? He wouldn't be proud, that's for damn sure. I sit down on the edge of the shower and run my hands through my wet hair. _Alright, enough thinking about how disappointed pop would be in you. _I stand up and grab my clothes off the back of the toilet seat. I'm going to get to California and everything will be fine. New state, new start.

I take my towel from around my waist and start drying myself off with it. I can already tell that this is going to be such a long trip. It's probably going to take me—take us, I mean—about two full weeks to get there. We're already in Nebraska, which is good. Granted, we're in Omaha which is only an hour away from Sioux City to begin with, but still. At least we're out of Iowa already. The drive itself is only 27 hours if you drive straight through but who's going to drive for 27 hours straight? Not me. I plan on stopping to rest every day after I get tired and plus, we're going to have to stop and eat every so often. I also plan on stopping to visit ma down there in Kansas. Since I have no bank anymore, I have to give her the money I promised for Amber's books. And I know once she gets wind of what happened in Sioux City last night, she's going to worry about me. So stopping to visit her is probably the best option. You know, this would be so much easier if I didn't have an extra person with me. Not that Jo is a huge inconvenience, but it would be much easier to go this alone. Matter of a fact, it would be easier to do this if she wasn't so stubborn and pigheaded. Why can't the girl just let me save her life? Why does she have to act like she's some big, independent girl that doesn't need anybody? I'm just trying to freaking help her so I don't have to walk around feeling guilty.

I'm not happy with the fact that I have to share a room with the girl, either. I at least wanted separate rooms. I went into a burning building to get her, I made sure she was safe, I even agreed to take her along with me. Now I'm forced to sleep in the same room as her? Cut me some slack here. I mean, I guess it could be worse. I could have to share a bed with the girl. At least I don't have to share a bed with her. I put my boxers on and fold my towel back up. I turn off the bathroom light and open up the door. I go back into the room I'm sharing with her and find that her side of the room is dark. The only light is from my side of the room, where I have a lamp on. I think she tried to stay awake but she just fell asleep because she's not even situated underneath the covers. She's lying on top of the quilt on the bed and she's fast asleep. I put the towel on the desk next to the nightstand that the lamp is on and walk over to her bed which is across the room from mine. She's lying on her side with her arms up underneath the pillow. Her legs are flat against the bed and her head is to the side. I watch her chest to make sure she's breathing. When I see that she is, I grab the sheets and pull them back, careful not to disturb her.

I guess she kind of looks like a "Jo". You know how some people don't look like their names? She has the look of a "Jo." She has a mess of wet, brunette hair all over her head and the longest, slenderest legs I've seen in a while. She's kind of typical though. It's like everything on her body is suited to fit exactly what she should look like. She's the typical "pretty" girl. I pick up her legs and put them underneath the covers first. I then pull the rest of the covers over her body and let her sleep. I just feel bad that I'm the reason she has to be here with me. I don't know many people that would be too happy about having to spend time with me. I'm a piece of crap. I wouldn't even choose to be stuck with myself. She's stuck with me, yet she's been kind of cheerful about it for the most part.

I guess I'd better head to sleep now.


	11. Questions

**A/N: **sorry about the long wait for the update, guys. The websit was down for 18+ hours!

* * *

"If you're going to California, why did you decide to go through Omaha? I mean, isn't that kind of 'out of the way' too?" She puts theoretical air-quotes around the phrase "out of the way" and asks me the millionth question of the hour. She's like a little child that you have to put up with. The kid you stow away in the back of the car and make you bang your head off the steering wheel every time they ask, "Are we there yet?" I can't tell if she's naturally this curious or if she's just making a conscious effort to get under my skin and annoy me. Either way, it's working. It's annoying the hell out of me and making me want to act like I'm going to the bathroom while I make a getaway. She taps her fingernails against the wooden table that we're sitting at as a gesture to express her impatience. She won't let me ignore her, either. I've been trying for the last twenty minutes and she just doesn't let it happen. I pretend to be very concentrated on cutting off a corner of my breakfast omelet with my fork. "I mean I'm not really a cartographer but I could've sworn there was a way to get out of Iowa without passing through Omaha."

"You. Are. Annoying." I put down my fork just to look her in her eye and say that to her. She doesn't shut up! We woke up about an hour and a half ago and she was pleasantly quiet while she was still in the stages of fully waking up. We got in the car and started driving and she's been a motor-mouth ever since. I was hungry and I thought maybe she'd be hungry too. So I took the first exit and went to iHop for breakfast (or late brunch, rather). I thought maybe once she was shoving food down her throat that she'd shut up but of course, I was wrong. She didn't order anything but a glass of water and since she's not eating, her mouth is free to continue talking my ear off. "Seriously, don't you ever just give it a rest? Your jaw has to be hurting." She grabs onto the straw hanging out of the glass of water she's drinking and starts pushing the ice cubes down to the bottom with it. She takes a brief sip of water and pushes the glass away from herself. Finally, she's quiet. I pick my fork back up and start cutting into a pancake. It's a wonder how she's not hungry. She didn't even look at the menu and act like she was interested in getting something to eat. Through the corner of my eye, I glance at her. She has her head down like she's staring at something between her legs and her hands are moving, so maybe she's texting or something. Her hair is still damp from last night and it's out, resting far down on her shoulders. She looks like she's upset. I think she's right about at least trying to get along. I've still got like…two weeks to be stuck with her. I could at least try to get along with her. I put my fork down again and take a drink of my orange juice to wash my pancake down. I lick my lips and lean back. "I have some business to take care of down in Kansas…that's why we're going through Nebraska."

"Oh." She stops looking between her legs and picks her head up. Like she's bored, she picks up the straw floating in her water again and stirs it around. "Sorry. I didn't realize my talking bothered you." She's not looking at me while she's talking, but her face is pretty expressive. Those eyebrows have a tendency to raise up and furrow with her emotions. "Some people tend to think that my talking is actually annoying but sometimes I talk a lot when I'm nervous and I don't always necessarily realize when too much talking is too much…" Her eyes flicker up and meet mine again. "I'm doing it again, aren't I?" For the first time since I've started actually associating with her, I take a serious look at her face. Her eyes are almond-shaped and a shade of brown so light that it kind of clashes with her skin tone. Her nose is thin and her lips are full. She has a chubby face but it really suits her. Her face is very childlike and the more I look at her, the more I think that she was probably a really pretty little girl when she was younger. "You really didn't have to do this for me, you know…"

"I know I didn't." I reach in my side pocket and pull out my wallet. I'm finished with my food and I'm ready to pay the bill and leave. It's almost quarter after noon and I have to start driving before 12:30 if I want to make it to Kansas in two days. It's Wednesday so I should make it to Kansas by Friday if I keep up at a steady rate. "And you really don't have to keep thanking me. I get it, you're thankful. You can shut up about it." She purses her lips together and nods her head at me. "So…" I lift my arms and stretch out my back, yawning in the process. "We're gotta get going if we want to make it to the next hotel by sundown." She nods her head again and pushes her chair out. I can tell that she's making a conscious effort to stop talking so much. I didn't mean she had to stop talking completely though. Actually…I kind of liked how much she talked, just a little bit. It would probably make for a very awkward trip if she was actually silent the whole time. "Before we leave…" I stay in my seat until I get her answer. "Are you sure you don't want anything to eat? Are you sure you're not hungry?"

Following my lead, she sits back down in the seat as well. I'm usually pretty good at reading a person's character and I can sense that she's nervous. Do I make her nervous? "I just…I don't have much money to eat on. I'd rather save it for dinner…" Eloquently, she thrusts her head back to flip her hair and her hair falls back behind her shoulder like she wanted it to. I find it kind of fascinating how everything she does is effortless in her ways. She doesn't have to try to make her movements look graceful, they just are. "So yeah, come on. We can leave." She gives me a nervous smile. Her teeth are pretty straight but I can tell, when I look hard enough, that she never had braces. "Thanks for asking though."

I won't lie, I'm borderline insulted. I know she thinks I'm nothing but a dickhead, but she can't possibly think that I'm really going to make her pay for any of this. None of this is her fault and she didn't ask for any of this, so why would I make her pay for anything? She seriously didn't order anything to eat because she didn't have the money? "First of all, I said stop saying thank you. It's starting to get annoying. It was polite at first but now it's kind of getting on my nerves." I see her mouth the word "damn" to herself as she looks away from my eyes. "And second of all, if you're hungry, eat. It's on me." She looks at me as if she wants me to tell me that she's joking. She clearly can't believe anything that I'm saying. Fittingly, the waitress just so happens to be coming back to check on us. She stands beside our table and before she even has to ask us if we need anything, I start talking. "Yeah, she decided that she wants something to eat, so…" The waitress nods once at me and pulls out her notepad.

"Oh… um…" Jo grabs the menu from the spot on the table we pushed them aside to and starts trying to get the menu open. I just took her by surprise by telling the waitress that she wants something all of a sudden, so she's flustered. She gathers herself and starts looking through the menu. "I just want…" She's flipping through the menu too fast to even be properly looking. I don't know why she's so nervous all the time. "Can I have the chocolate chip pancakes, please? With a glass of iced tea?" She looks across the table at me for approval. She can order whatever she wants off the menu without a complaint from me, but instead of busting her balls about that, I just nod anyway. The waitress scribbles down her order on the notepad. Politely, Jo picks up the menu and gathers up all my garbage from the food I just ate and hands it all to the waitress. "Thank you." The waitress seems to be taken aback by her politeness but I zone out just as she starts to tell her that she's welcome. I'm trying to figure out if this girl is as sweet as she seems to be or if this is all just an act. I know people with manners aren't extinct—she's living proof of that. But she literally says "please", "thank you" and "I'm sorry" over anything. I'm beginning to wonder who the hell raised her. The waitress hurries away and leaves me and Jo alone again.

"What's all that about?" I ask her. She looks at me with confusion and a little bit of worry clear across her face. "Handing the waitress everything. What's that about?"  
"It's called being a nice person, haven't you ever heard of it?" She lays the sarcasm on me thick. She's a very sweet, mannerly, polite girl but sometimes I get the feeling that she has a dark side. In addition to her soft side, she can be quite witty, dry and very sarcastic. I don't know if she's both sweet and sour of if she's faking one of the sides. "Plus….it's not that hard to make her job easier. It sucks being a waitress." She folds her hands neatly in her lap and leans back against the chair. "People don't appreciate you when you're a waitress. They totally don't get that you're the one serving them."

"Lemme guess…" I grab the paper that my straw came in and crumple it up into a ball simply because I'm bored. "You were a waitress, weren't you?" Her attention isn't even on me. She's looking out through the window we're sitting next to. Her side profile is just as striking as her face is from the frontal view. She has big ears but they suit her. Her nose sticks out just the right amount and her jawline is perfectly squared away. She nods her head to answer my question about her being a waitress. I have half a mind to toss the little paper ball I made at her but I don't know her well enough to do that yet. I don't know just how playful she is yet and I don't want her to get mad at me for hitting her. "…So where'd you waitress at?" She's still not paying much attention to me. I take a look out the window to see what she's looking at but it's no use. I can't see out the window as clearly as she can.

The waitress comes back over and puts down her glass of orange juice on the table. It's reluctant, but nonetheless, she starts to peel her eyes away from the window. "…Hooters." She finally stops looking out the window and looks back at me. She grabs her straw and starts smacking it off the table to open it up. Hooters? Where the girls with the giant jugs work? Where the sexy chicks work? That Hooters? She puts her straw in her orange juice and takes a sip. "I waitressed and bartended at Hooters for two years before I started working at the store." She pushes the glass of juice away. "I just know how rough it can be to waitress sometimes. People can be buttholes."  
"Wait…" I shake my head and feel a gentle smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "You worked at Hooters?"

"See, I knew you were gonna judge me." She has a smile on her face too but I can tell that her smile is just a nervous smile. She's not smiling because she finds anything funny, she's smiling because something is wracking her nerves. "Yeah, I worked at Hooters…okay? I wore the skimpy uniform, I walked around like that at all times, I flirted for tips… I was a Hooters girl. It's not that serious." She rests her chin in the palm of her hand. I can see it. I can see her prancing around in the Hooters uniform. She has an amazing ass so I bet it looked good in the shorts she had to wear. And her boobs are pretty great too. She's hot. She looks like she could've been a Hooters girl. "Stop looking at me like that." I wrinkle my brow. I didn't realize I was looking at her any kind of way, to be honest. "Like I'm a slut. I'm not a slut. Don't look at me like I'm a slut. It was just a job."

"I'm not looking at you like you're a slut…" At least I don't think I was. Sorry if it looked like I was looking at her like a slut but I really wasn't trying to. I wasn't even thinking that she's a slut. I don't think those girls are sluts at all. I think they're bold, for sure. And they MUST be confident. I think they're bold and confident to be fine with walking around in the uniforms they wear and being okay with the fact that guys are gawking most of the time. I think Hooters girls are bold and confident but definitely not sluts. It's not like they sleep with the customers. "It must've been a good place to work…" I'm bored so I pick up one of the promotional pictures they have hanging on the table and swing it around, leisurely. "If it was good enough to stay there for two years though, why'd you quit?"

"I finished school." She looks like she is totally, utterly unamused by this conversation. Her chin is in her hand, her eyes are low and she's almost lifeless. "I worked at one in Princeton. I went to college at Princeton so I was really only working there so I didn't get terribly in debt." She rubs her eyes and livens up a bit. "I worked my entire way through college because even with scholarships and grants, Ivy League schools are expensive as heck. So I was just working to pay off my debt, really. When I graduated school, I didn't really see the point in working there anymore. It was a good job though. I made good money." She runs her hands through her hair.

"You went to Princeton?" I raise my eyebrow at that. She must be a brainiac. I can see it now. She does speak properly and she doesn't seem like she's a dumb person by any means. I can see that she's smart. "Damn. Parents probably went crazy, eh?"  
"Yeah, they were pretty proud." She nods. "They helped pay for my first two years but times got hard and stuff… so I just worked my way through my final two years. Graduated at the top of my class, too." For some reason, she doesn't sound like she's proud of herself. She sounds so lackluster and halfhearted when she says that. She graduated top of her class at an Ivy League college. Why isn't she prouder of herself? "I want to go to Harvard. I applied to their medical school and I got in, but they want almost $5,000 just to hold my spot in the program. They gave me like… six months to come up with the money before they give my spot away to somebody else on the waiting list." She sighs. "It looks like they're going to give my spot away. I don't have 5k to just give up…"

"What about your folks? Can't they foot you the money to go?" I suggest. I know it's probably a stupid suggestion because most likely, she's already asked her parents. Obviously if she's saying that her spot in the program is pretty much toast, she's already exhausted all her other options. I just don't want to stop talking to her. I don't want to seem rude if I don't say anything at all so even though my suggestion is stupid, I said it anyway. "I mean, you could just pay it back once you're a hotshot doctor…"

"My parents are dead." The waitress finally comes back over with Jo's food. She puts the plate of pancakes in front of her, puts down a container of butter and syrup, gives her napkins and walks away. "My mom and dad would've definitely found a way to pay the deposit for me. They definitely would have." She turns the container of syrup over and dumps it all over her pancakes. "They've been dead for years though."  
"Yeah, my dad's dead too." Damn. I can't imagine how I'd get along if both my folks were dead. I was a wreck when pop died but I can only imagine how I'd be if ma died too. I can't imagine living without both my parents. Don't get me wrong, I hardly talk to ma as it is. But I'd be a wreck if she died right along with pop. I barely made it through pop's death alive. "It's always good to make your parents proud though. I guess the positive part is that you always have someone to live for." She has a mouth full of pancakes and she's chewing so slowly and properly that it's sickening. "I mean clearly I'm not the best guy in the world but…" She seems shocked that I just admitted to being a total asshole. "Sometimes when I think about making my dad proud, it helps."

"Well yeah…" She swallows her pancakes. I like that she just let loose enough to talk to me with her mouth full. I was beginning to think that she was going to be some prissy little princess that doesn't know how to get her nose dirty. "Your dad is probably proud of you no matter what. With like…you being a writer and all." I nod my head and just look down at the table. She needs to speed up with the eating. I don't mean to rush her but we're starting to get really behind schedule with this. I don't mind being behind schedule over her getting something to eat, but I'm really starting to get antsy. We still have to stop somewhere for dinner and make it to the next hotel, all before it gets too late at night. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone by getting dinner at the hotel. We're staying in a hotel tonight, by the way. No more cheap motels for me. "I have a question." She puts her fork down and looks me directly in my eyes. "It's kind of silly, but…I've just been wondering." I raise my eyebrows to let her know I'm listening. "You're a published author, right?" I nod my head. "Are you um…your…your name. What is it?"

"You should eat your food…" I pick my phone out of my pocket and push the home button. It's 1:15 in the afternoon. "It's getting late and we have to get to the hotel by a certain time." I put my phone back. "So come on….eat." I can't tell her that my published name is Michael Evans. If I tell her that, she'll tie the pieces together and she'll know that I'm the reason her house got burned down and she'll be mad at me for that. And for some reason, it'll actually mean something if this girl is mad at me for any reason. I don't know why I care if she's mad at me but I do. I can't tell her that I'm Michael Evans. She doesn't press the issue, either. She just picks her fork back up and continues to dust off the rest of her pancakes.

**Jo's Point of View.**

His face is so focused and intent while he's driving. It's like he has to concentrate in order to just drive the car straight. For the last three hours, we've been driving on nothing but flat land and his face hasn't changed. He's so focused…like he's on a mission of some sort. The only movement I got out of him was about half an hour ago, when a song came on the radio that he was mouthing the words to. We've been listening to crappy mainstream radio music ever since we left the restaurant. When we drive through an area full of trees, the radio goes out and won't come back on until we reach a clearing. He has CDs and an auxiliary cord but we're listening to the RADIO and I think it's because he's too lazy to put in a CD or something. I'd put in a CD for him but I don't know him well enough to just touch his radio. I admit that I am starting to warm up to him though. He actually sat at the restaurant and talked to me like I was a human being that had feelings. And I saw a side of him that suggested that he might not be an animalistic bastard after all. He paid for my food without a second guess. More and more, I'm starting to find the good in him. I really think I might be breaking through his shell. I'm starting to warm up to the idea of being stuck with him and he's starting to treat me better. Maybe this trip won't be a total wash.

Secretly, I've been sneaking peeks at his face here and there. His eyes are focused solely on the road so most of the time, he never notices when I'm looking at him but when I feel like he might be noticing that I'm looking, I hurry up and look away or I just pretend that I was looking out his window to see what's on his side of the car. Very discreetly, I turn my head just slightly so I can look at him. The side profile of his face looks like it was handcrafted by the gods themselves. He's actually kind of beautiful, I think. He has a baby face. His eyes are circular and round but they're soft and caring, unlike his personality. His lips are small and soft looking. He has a very sweet face and I think if I look hard enough, I can find his true personality reflected in his looks. He's beautiful, but he's not a beautiful person. I stop looking at his face and look out the window. I wonder what business he has to tend to in Kansas. Kansas is kind of out of the way for where we're going, I think. I don't know, I still wonder why we're driving and not taking a plane. He still has a lot of secrets but honestly, he seems like a secretive person so I'm not sure if I'll ever find out what his issue is.

I was so close to finding out if he's Michael Evans or not. At this point, I'm almost certain that he's not. But I have to know for sure. When I asked him what his pseudonym is, he dismissed the topic and dropped it like a hot potato. He doesn't seem like he wants to discuss the fact that he's an author and I understand that, so rather than press the matter, I just dropped it. There must be a reason he doesn't want to tell me things. There's a reason he lied to me about not having enough money to fly on a plane. There's a reason why he doesn't want to discuss the fact that he's an author with me. I don't know, maybe I'm totally off base with him. Maybe he really doesn't like the attention he gets from writing. So he's clearly not going to tell me if his fake name is Michael Evans or not. I'm going to have to find another way to find out on my own. I don't know how but I'm going to find out. "Are we just going to drive the rest of the way in silence?" I can't take the quietness anymore, so I crack and start talking to him.

He shrugs his shoulders and keeps one hand firmly on the steering wheel. "What did you want to talk about?" He breaks his avid concentration on the road and looks at me. "I just didn't know what you'd want to talk about."

"That's my point." I grab onto my seatbelt and wrap it around so it's behind my back and not resting between my boobs like it's supposed to me. I kick my flip flops off on the floor to make myself more comfortable and cross my legs in the passenger's seat. "We're strangers. You don't know what to talk to me about and I don't know what to talk to you about. We should…try to get to know each other, don't you think?" He shrugs his shoulders again. I sigh and pull my hair back away from my face. "…Have you ever played 20 questions?" I ask him. He shakes his head, unenthusiastically. "Okay, let's play." I feel myself being annoying. I'm not usually this pushy and persistent and peppy and annoying, but I feel like I need to be. He's still a stranger to me. This trip has the potential to be disastrous and I don't want it to be. "I'll go first." I start pulling at my fingers because I'm nervous. He makes me nervous. He's intimidating. "When's your birthday?"

"…January 5th." He mumbles. "Yours?"

"May 5th." I keep pulling at my fingers. "Your turn to ask a question."

"But I just asked you one."  
"That was my question though, so it doesn't count." I clarify.

"Alright." I watch his cheek pop out where he puts his tongue in it. "What'd you go to college for? What do you want to be?"

"I…have a degree in Biology right now. I want to be an orthopedic surgeon eventually." I lick my lips. His face reads that he doesn't know what I'm talking about so I take the minute to explain. "Fix broken bones." I tuck my hair behind my ear. "I broke my arm when I was eight and I never got it looked at. It didn't heal right, I guess. So when I finally did get it looked at, this guy had to break my arm again. Hurt like hell but he fixed me. I just thought it was kind of cool how he had to break my arm to fix it. So I wanna do that." My foster brother broke my arm, actually. I was swinging on the swing in the backyard and he undid the latch that kept it up on the hinges. So I went tumbling down mid-swing and I landed on my arm. I heard it crack when I broke and I started screaming because it burned so bad. They never took me to get it looked at, of course. But after I got with mom and dad, when they took me to get looked at for my nightmares, they had me get a physical and the doctor found that the break was still misaligned and they had to take me to an orthopedist. I remember that mom and dad had to fill out so much paperwork to prove that they weren't the ones that broke my arm.

"You're a twisted chick." He smirks.

"Hey, shut up." I playfully tap his arm and immediately regret it. I don't know him well enough to joke around like that yet. I don't know if he likes to play around as much as I like to. "Sorry."

"It's fine." He clears his throat. "Your turn to ask a question…"


	12. New Subject

**A/N:** Hey guys. As you know, Fanficiton's website was down for a while there, which made me not be able to update. I did end up getting chapter 11 up, so just make sure you check it out before you read this, just in case you missed the update. I felt bad that you guys had to wait so long for an update, so I made this update SUPER good and really long. So here's you guys' present! :)

**M **rated content in this chapter!

* * *

I shut the door behind myself when I get inside my room. I feel around through the darkness and I'm successful in finding the light switch. I'm not a very picky person and I think that the simplest things are the greatest, but I have to admit that this is a very nice change from the cheap motel we spent the night in last night. The room's carpeting is very clean and walls are pristine. It smells like paint and laundry detergent in the room and unlike the motel, there are no signs of mold anywhere. A bed juts out from the wall, covered in a thick, red and gold quilt. The pillows match, but they're fully gold and they're accentuated with gold trim. There's a pretty decent sized window next to the bed. Next to a brown, wooden vanity is a miniature refrigerator. There's a desk against the wall opposite the bed and next to the desk is a door that leads to a bathroom. I put down my garbage bag and kick off my flip flops. My feet immediately sink down into the soft plush carpeting. I lightly trot over to the bed and sit down on the edge of it. The bed is incredibly soft and I can't resist, so I lower myself back and lie down flat against it. As soon as I lie down, I feel the soreness and the aching just set in. I've been entirely too tired lately. My throat's been dry and achy since yesterday, no matter how much water I drink. My chest and my ribcages have been really sore from coughing so much and my hands still sting from being burned against the window.

What I would give to be back at home right now. I just want to be home in Sioux City and I want everything to go back to the way it was before. I want to be working back in Jimmy's, hating the man I work for and trying to save up to pay my deposit to get into Harvard. I know I struggled every day to keep my electricity on, to feed myself and to keep my phone bill paid. But somehow, I found comfort in struggling and working my butt off. It wasn't comfortable to live every day of my life struggling but it was normal for me. It was normal for me to go a few days without eating a proper meal. It was normal for me to skip out on taking a bath for a day to save on my water bill. It wasn't comfortable but it was normal to me and damn it, I miss the normalcy of being poor back in Iowa. I'm someplace in Nebraska that I don't know about and I'm with someone that's a stranger to me. I'm past the point of being afraid of him. He still intimidates me but I'm not afraid of him anymore, in the least. I'm sure if he wanted something from me, he would've hurt me already. I don't think he wants anything from me and I don't think he's going to bother me much if I don't bother him. I'm not afraid of _him, _but I am afraid of the situation. I don't know what I'm going to do once I get to wherever he plans on taking me. I don't have a job or anything out in California. He says he'll help me get to Massachusetts once we get to California, but what if he doesn't? Then what do I do? I want to go home.

My eyes start welling up with tears and my jaw begins to tremble, so I bite on my bottom lip to stop it. It doesn't help though. It hasn't been horrible so far, being stranded out on the road with him. He's actually making it easy and he's not making it as bad as I thought he'd make it. He made sure I got something to eat and so far, he's provided me with places to sleep. I'm not complaining because being stuck with him could be a hell of a lot worse than what it's been, but I still just want to go home. I'd give up all the cozy hotel beds in the world, all the delicious iHop pancakes, all the steaming hot hotel showers to just go back to my mattress on the floor, my growling stomach and my seldom showers. I want to go back home to the life I know. I bring my hands up to my face so I can wipe my eyes free of tears, but all I that does is make me break down even more until I'm uncontrollably and inconsolably sobbing. I just don't like change very much. I've known that about myself ever since I was little. I don't like when things change around me and I don't like having to adjust and make something my new normal. I like when things change and I especially hate when things change just as I got used to them the way they were. I always have hated change, but it got so much worse ever since that one day.

When you're a foster child, you can only be placed with families that are licensed to foster you. The people have to apply for a foster license and in order to get it, they have to pass all these tests and take these courses. Once they pass the tests and take the classes and stuff, they don't ever have to take them again, but they do have to get their license to foster renewed every so many years. Karen and Bill usually weren't the first choice for placement of any children because of their advanced age, so really, they were a last resort for me. I had exhausted all my other possible placement options so they were the last straw. I was actually the first child they had ever been placed with. They weren't ever placed with any child before me, so they hadn't renewed their foster license in a while. Their foster license expired two days before my ninth birthday and a social worker came to take me away. I had to spend three days in temporary placement while they got their license renewed and that was the worst three days of my entire existence. I just didn't know if they were ever going to get me back. I thought they would decide that I was more trouble than I was worth and just leave me in temporary placement, but they didn't.

"_You're supposed to feed him your pinky if he gets hungry...honey, see?" She shoves her pinky finger into the yellow beak of my Furby. My Furby's eyes blink twice while he's eating her pinky. "Here, you try." She holds my hand and makes me put my pinky in his beak. It feels like he's chewing on my finger! I can't help but smile at the feeling. "Do you like him?" I nod my head and keep my pinky in his mouth. How do I know when he's full? Okay, so I'm supposed to feed him my pinky when he's hungry and push his stomach if I wanna play with him. He's simple enough. He's so cute! He got brown fur and really big eyes. He has white hair and a white belly with pink ears. His feet are orange. He's gonna sleep with me and I'm gonna feed him every time I eat. I'm not allowed to have a puppy so I gotta treat my Furby like a puppy. I'm gonna name him… Charlie. Like Charlie on All Dogs Go To Heaven. "I'm glad you like him…" My hair is in my face so she moves it away. "Happy birthday, baby." It's not even my birthday yet. My birthday's in two days. _

"_It's not my birthday." I just feel like she should know. I hope she doesn't take Charlie away though. But it's not my birthday and I don't get gifts when it's not my birthday. I feel like I'm a fibber if I take my gifts when it's not my birthday. _

"_I know that, babydoll." She grabs my arm and pulls me so I'm closer to her. I don't know why she likes to hug me and hold me so much. I love it a lot but nobody holds me. Nobody wants to hug me a lot like this. I wonder why she does? "I just figured you could have one early gift...we'll open the rest on Saturday when we eat cake and ice cream." I feel my eyes get a lot bigger and my mouth falls open. I get more gifts than Charlie? AND CAKE? I hope it's chocolate! Oh boy… I've never had a birthday cake before. Do I get to blow out candles? And make a wish? I get birthday cake! This is the best day of my life! "What?" I shake my head fast. I don't want to jinx myself out of the cake. "Yeah, you get cake and ice cream and presents…it's your birthday, goof troop." She gives me a kiss on my cheek. "Oh, now look what I did… you got lots of red lipstick all over your pretty little cheek." She rubs my cheek with her hand to get her lipstick off. I didn't even have to tell her that I didn't know I get cake. She's weird. She always knows what I'm thinking. Always. "Can I have a hug?"_

_I nod my head and put my arms around her. "…Mommy?" I fix my head so it's on her chest so I can hear her heartbeat. Sometimes I don't think she's real. I think she's too good to be true so I like to hear her heartbeat. It reminds me that she's alive and she's real and she's mine. It feels like I should call her mommy… I don't actually need anything, I'm just trying it out to make sure it fits. "Mommy." I say it again. It just feels weird to leave my lips. _

_She puts her hand on my butt and rubs it in circles. "What do you need, babydoll?" I shake my head against her chest and just keep laying there. The doorbell rings and the white kitty cat gets off the couch next to her like it always does when the doorbell rings. But I don't get up and she—mommy—doesn't make me get up either. He'll get the door. Daddy will get the door. She just keeps rubbing my bum in circles and she's making me really sleepy. I just got home from school and I'm already in need of a nap and she's not making it any better. If I just close my eyes for a second, I won't be asleep. I shut my eyes and as soon as I do, she kisses my forehead. "Goodnight, Joey…" She sings that to me. "Goodnight Joey, go to sleep…" I hold Charlie and let myself fall into a deeper sleep. I think I finally found a good place. I think…I think I'm gonna be here for a long time._

"_Karen…" That's daddy's voice. I open up my eyes for a second to see what he wants. I look at his lips because he's trying to be secretive. I'm not dumb and I know how to read lips. He mouthed "they're here" to her. Who's here? Who's here, mommy? I pick my head up off her chest and look around. I have a feeling something bad's about to happen and usually when I have a feeling, I'm right. Who's here? _

_Mommy's arms squeeze me and I feel like I can't breathe. "Tell them to piss off. They're not taking her." Who? Who's trying to take me? I don't wanna go! Please don't make me go. I'll be so good… I'll be SO good. I don't wanna go anywhere. _

I sniff back my tears and pick my sorry self up, off the bed I'm lying on. Ever since then, I've been so scared of change. I literally hate the idea of something changing and for that reason, I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to go back to Iowa. I'd give anything to go back to Iowa and have my house back. I cover my mouth and cough softly as I stand up off the bed. I've been coughing a lot ever since last night. I just think I have some leftover smoke in my throat or something. I guess I'm just hoping that maybe things will get better. It'd be hard for them to get worse, you know? If this situation is anything like what happened when they took me away from mom and dad for two days, it'll get better. I thought my life was ending when they ripped me out of mom's arms that day. But after three days, she walked through the door of my temporary placement house and she got me. Dad let me sleep with him that night because he was so happy to have me back. And to make up for missing my birthday, we went out to dinner and had cake and ice cream and I still got the rest of my presents. That situation had a happy ending so maybe this situation will have one as well. I'm cautiously optimistic that it will.

I walk over towards the bathroom door, making it a point to smush my feet through the carpet while I walk because it's so soft and it feels good between my toes. I turn the light on in the bathroom and take a look around. The shower is unbelievable. The door to it is glass and it's a walk-in shower, big enough on the inside to fit like five people comfortably. It's handicap accessible because there's a little platform jutting out of the wall to sit down. There's a box of soap on the sink counter and two travel-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner. Hanging on the rack next to the shower are three fluffy white towels. I pull the door to the shower open and start my water so I can take one. It's been a pretty long day and I'm tired, so as soon as I take this shower, I'm going to bed and passing out for the night. I take off my clothes and pick up one of the washrags that are folded neatly on the sink counter. I take the shampoo and conditioner into the shower with me as well and shut the door. The water is so hot that it stings and burns my skin but it feels entirely too good to turn the temperature down or add some cold water into the mix. Sometimes I just feel like my showers wash away my problems. I feel like all my issues, my struggles and my problems wash away, along with the dirt on my body, right down the drain. I know they don't really wash away and when I get out of the shower, all my obligations are still waiting for me. But it's nice to act like they're not there just for a ten minute shower.

I wonder what _he's _doing at this very moment. I turn around and let the water hit my back and tilt my head back so I can get my hair wet. He made up for the fact that we didn't have separate rooms like he wanted last night at the motel. He made up for that fact by getting separate rooms tonight. He's down the hall from me in his own room. I get that the two of us are still strangers to one another as we don't know much about each other, but part of me is wondering why he acts like sharing a room with me is so bad. We shared a room last night and that went off without a hitch. It's not like I snore so obnoxiously that I'll keep him awake at night. It would've saved him a hell of a lot of money if we just got another double room. I don't really mind not sharing a room with him though. I'm definitely not complaining about having my own room because at least I don't have to put up with awkward conversations. We talked for a good while in the car earlier but the conversations were awkward because still and yet, he's a stranger and I swear I just didn't know what to say to him. He didn't get any of my jokes and he doesn't seem like he understands sarcasm very well. It's just weird and awkward to talk to him when I know nothing about him, I know nothing about what interests him and we have nothing in common. It was like talking to a blank wall at times.

I twist off the cap of the shampoo and dump it in my hands so I can massage it into my hair. I usually only put one type of shampoo in my hair but at this point, my hair is dirty and shampoo is shampoo and I can't afford to be picky. I usually only use the Suave shampoo that comes in the gold bottle though. It makes my hair smell good and it makes it silky, plus it's cheap back at home. I'm still going to try to make the best out of the fact that I'm stuck with this man, but I'm beginning to think that this is going to be a long…long…long trip. I tried to play 20 questions with him but even that was awkward. He's no good at games, I guess. All I got out of him during 20 questions was that his birthday is January 5th, he's 30 years old and he went to Iowa State University for a degree in American English. It was supposed to be 20 questions but it turned out to be more like five questions because I just didn't know what to ask him without sounding awkward and he was too awkward to ask me anything solid.

I wash out my shampoo from my hair and grab the bottle of conditioner next. I massage the conditioner into my hair like I did with the shampoo, but instead of washing it immediately out, I leave it in for a little while. I open the box of soap and find that it's actually Dove soap, which is good because it's the same kind of soap I used at home. I put the soap inside my washcloth and rub it together to make it lather up. I put the soap back down and close my eyes as I tilt my head back so I can wash my neck. _At least he has his looks going for him though. He has the worst personality and the most awkward conversation tactics, but at least he's attractive. _I actually think that might be the worst part about not sharing a room with him tonight; the fact that I can't see him shirtless again, I mean. I wouldn't admit this to his face, but when he took his shirt off last night, I swear I wanted to jump him. His back… oh my god, his back. I can just picture my fingernails digging in that back and dragging across his skin. God, I could just run my tongue all…along…his abs. I spent half of my shower last night picturing what he looks like from the waist down now that I've seen him from the waist up. And the other half, I spent fantasizing about all the scratches I'd like to put on his back. I don't look down upon those who get themselves off, let's get that straight. I don't think you're gross or desperate if you masturbate—more power to you if you do. It's just that I've never done that before in my life and honestly, I don't really know how to because I've never even tried it. But I swear last night, after seeing that man shirtless, I was so tempted. I was fantasizing about him and I had a mental image of myself lying underneath of him and I swear for a moment, I was about to teach myself how to masturbate.

It's weird though because I haven't thought about him in that way since last night. I really thought that it was going to be weird and awkward for me to have to associate and interact with him after I fantasized about him in the shower last night, but it's not. I haven't even thought about him like that anymore. I think it was just a phase I went through last night because after all, it _has _been a while since I've had sex. After I finish rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, I lean forward and turn off my shower water. I open up the door and grab two towels from the three that are hanging up. I wrap one towel around my body and the other around my head for my hair. I bend down to pick my clothes up off the floor, turn off the bathroom light and go back into my bedroom. I hurry up and towel dry my hair as much as I can. I sit down on the edge of the bed again and tie my hair up into a high, sloppy bun. I lean down and grab my bag full of clothes. I sift through it and grab a pair of pink and white lace panties and an oversized t-shirt. I dry my body off and put on my underwear and my t-shirt. I reach back down in the bag and grab my copy of The Hour and toss it on the bed. I grab my reading glasses from my bag and put them on. I don't usually wear them as much as I should. I should wear them every time I read but I don't. I feel guilty that I still have the book in my possession, but I rationalize that I had every intention of returning it to the library when I first got it, so there's that. I swear I didn't want to be a thief again but my house caught on fire and the book is too good for me to just have let it burn up in the fire. Whatever, I think God will understand on judgment day that I didn't intend on stealing this book.

I turn off the big ceiling light and swap it out for the smaller lamp that's on the nightstand next to the bed. I'll read a little bit of the book before I go to sleep for the night. It should only be around 8:00 at night or something like that because we stopped driving and got to the hotel around 7:00 or so. I'll read until 9:00 and I'll go to sleep for the night. I pull the covers back and climb between the sheets. _This bed does not have to be this comfortable, oh my goodness. _I feel like I'm lying on a cloud. I don't mean to be high maintenance, but this bed is SO much better than the one at the motel. This bed is freaking amazing. I pull the covers back over my body and grab the book. I flip to the page I stopped reading at. If I wanted, I could finish this book tonight. I could've finished it last night when I started reading it honestly. I used to read so much when I was a kid. I used to read about three books a day because I had nothing else better to do than to sit around and read or get hit by foster parents that hated me. I was in first grade when I finished the entire Harry Potter series. My first grade teacher was the one that suggested I get tested to be put into the gifted program at school. I didn't get tested until I was in third grade though because I needed a parent or guardian's permission to get the IQ test done and nobody until Karen and Bill ever signed for me to have the test. I flip the first page of the new chapter I'm on and start devouring the book, page by page.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I secure my towel around my waist as I kick the bathroom door shut behind myself. Now this hotel is more like it. The place is clean, nicely kept and cozy, which is more my style. It's pricier than the motel we stayed in last night of course, but it's far worth it. It's just a much nicer place in general and maybe I'll get some sleep in this bed tonight. The motel mattress was lumpy and I felt springs all in my back so my sleep was horrendous last night. Hopefully tonight's is much different. I grab the room service menu off the nightstand and sit down on the edge of the bed to start looking through it. I don't really feel like going down to the hotel's restaurant to get something to eat for dinner so I'm just going to order room service instead. I bet she's hungry and she's just not saying anything to me because she's weird about me spending money on her for some reason. When I get dressed and stuff, I'll run down to her room and ask her if she wants something off the room service menu. I'm not going to let the girl starve while she's with me because then that'd be my fault as well. I have money to make sure she eats and if I let her starve because she's too damn stubborn to tell me when she's hungry, that'd be my fault…just like everything else is my fault. I close the menu and toss it behind me on the bed. I stand up and take my towel off.

I reach into the backpack I brought in here and pluck out a clean pair of boxers. I slip the boxers on and look back through the bag for a t-shirt. I wonder what's going on back in Sioux City. I've been ignoring all the calls I've been getting on my cell since yesterday, but they've all been from my publisher and Jerry. I know I shouldn't, but part of me blames Jerry for this mess so he's really the last person I want to talk to. I just feel like he's accountable for the fact that the manuscript for the prologue leaked in the first place. I trusted him to take the manuscript from my email to him to the publishers and to the publishers only. He was responsible for making sure that my manuscript was in good hands. Yet somehow it leaked and ended up causing me to be the most hated man in Iowa right now. My dad's business got burned down and I had to flee the state, all because Jerry let the prologue leak. If I ignore his phone calls long enough, eventually he'll get the drift that he's fired. I just can't talk to anybody right now. I don't want to talk to anybody from Sioux City and I don't want to talk to anyone from my publishing company. I haven't figured all this out yet. Alex needs to figure this mess out before Michael Evans can even say anything to anyone. And right now, Alex doesn't know what the hell he should do. I'm not talking to anyone from Sioux City and I don't plan on talking to anyone from Sioux City any time soon, but I still wonder what's going on back there. I just can't talk to anyone from Sioux City until I'm sure that A, the coast is clear. And B, I'm far enough away from Iowa that even if the coast isn't clear, nobody will know where I'm at. Right now, I'm only in the outskirts of Nebraska and that's not far enough away yet.

I pull a plain white t-shirt over my head and grab a pair of pajama pants to throw on as well. I've really got to make some changes once I get to California. At this point, I'm not real sure if I'm ever going to write again. I think I'm just going to hang it up for good. Like I said, I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I'm smart about it so I don't really need to ever write again. Or maybe if I ever do decide to start writing again, I could just be careful of what I throw out there anymore. I have a lot of decisions to make. I could do a lot of things once I get to California. I could start a new novel that's completely what I usually do, the romance and science fiction stuff. It'll take about six months for me to finish one and by that time, all this controversy is bound to have died down. Michael Evans still has a pretty decent following and if he releases something like he usually does, people would buy it. So I could go to California and resume the same life I had back in Iowa, minus the idea I had to do something based off a true crime.

Or I could go to California and ditch writing for good. I have a house already lined up and I have enough money to last me. I could actually just live the rest of my life like it's a vacation in California and act like Michael Evans completely disappeared off the face of the Earth. My only concerns about this plan is that I might get bored. I might get bored with doing nothing and not having a job to do and if I get bored, then what? I would say that I could go back to school for something else once I'm in California but nothing else interests me. Writing is all I've ever really wanted to do with my life.

This is one of those times that I really wish I had pop. A lot of the times, I just want him here to tell me what to do so I don't make the bad decisions. But this time is different because I NEED him this time. I need him to tell me what the right thing to do would be. I know he'd tell me not to give up on my dreams but at this point, I don't even know what my "dreams" are. Writing was my dream. But it's not everything I wanted it to be anymore. It's just different now and I'm not even sure if it's my "dream" anymore. And the last thing I want to do is make the wrong decision and disappoint pop. I'm a firm believer in the heavens and stuff. I mean, there's gotta be some place better than this, right? I believe in the heavens and all that mess and I believe that pop's looking down on me. I'm just worried that he'll be disappointed in me with whatever I choose. I think I disappointed him once before and the look on his face was terrible. I don't even want to picture that look on his face anymore. What was worse about the situation is the fact that I had to choose. Either I disappointed ma or I disappointed pop…and I chose to disappoint pop and that was a decision I immediately regretted. I was able to fix that decision though after I thought it over. That still counts as the hardest decision I ever had to make and I was only ten years old at the time. I stand by my decision though…

"_YOU DON'T EVER THINK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF, IT'S ACTUALLY SICKENING HOW SELFISH YOU ARE. YOU'RE WAY TOO SELFISH TO BE A MOTHER, HELEN." I'm so tired of listening to the two of them argue so much. All they do is yell at each other, cuss at each other and throw things. They've been arguing for as long as I can remember. What could they possibly have left to argue about? If the sky is blue? The two of them argue over everything. And then I'm the one that gets yelled at over the consequences of their yelling? I get screamed at for bringing home a 53% on my science test because "I'm smarter than that", but nevermind the fact that the REASON I failed the test was because I fell ASLEEP during the test because the two of them keep me up all night with their constant bickering! I'm so sick of listening to the two of them insult each other all the damn time. "WHAT ON THIS __**EARTH **__MAKES YOU THINK THAT TAKING HIM AWAY FROM HERE IS WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM? HE HAS ALL HIS FRIENDS HERE, HE PLAYS BALL, HE WRESTLES! YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN!"_

"_HE NEEDS HIS MOTHER! HE NEEDS ME! I'M NOT BEING SELFISH! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR __**MY **__SON! HE'S MY SON TOO, JIMMY. AND I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM. YOU REALLY WANT HIM TO GROW UP WITHOUTA MOTHER?! YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM?! ARE YOU THAT MUCH OF A FUCKING IMBECILE TO THINK THAT THE BOY NEEDS YOU MORE THAN HE NEEDS ME? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, JIMMY. STOP WEARING IT LIKE IT'S A HAT. HE NEEDS ME!" As she's screaming, she's packing. There goes her shirts…her pants…her hairdryer._

"_Wow, Helen. You really are that much of a bitch, aren't you?" Pop actually flashes a look my way to let me know that I need to go to my room. I get up from the desk in the living room and push my chair in. So much for my math homework. I should've gone to football practice. I knew I shouldn't have come home after school. "YOU WANT HIM TO GROW UP WITHOUT A FATHER, IS THAT IT? I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THIS HOUSE THAT EVER THINKS ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR ALEX. ALL YOU DO IS THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU'RE SELFISH. YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO WITHOUT SEEING HIM. HE HAS HIS LIFE HERE IN IOWA, HELEN. WHAT GOOD IS TAKING HIM TO KANSAS GOING TO DO?!"_

"_OH CRY ME A RIVER, JAMES! I'M THE ONE WHO CARRIED HIM FOR NINE MONTHS! HE CAME OUT OF ME! IF I WANT TO TAKE MY SON, I'M TAKING MY SON! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TAKE ME TO COURT."_

"_WOW, YOU WANT A RIBBON? OR A GOLD MEDAL FOR CARRYING HIM? IT'S WHAT ALL MOTHERS DO, YOU BITCH." Like I've been doing for as long as I can remember, I sit down on the top step and rest my head against the bars of the railing of the staircase. I know I could probably save myself so much heartache if I were to just go in my room and shut the door like I'm supposed to while they're arguing, but I can't. I feel like I might miss something. Call me crazy, but I just remember the last time I actually went to my room like I was supposed to, I didn't see my mom for two days. I went to my room and I couldn't hear anything so I couldn't hear that she planned on leaving and I wasn't there to stop her. She took off and I didn't see her for two days. I don't want that to happen again. "I WILL. I WILL TAKE YOU TO COURT, HELEN. AND THEY'LL KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR NASTY LITTLE HABIT, ALL THOSE TIMES YOU SNUCK OUT AND LEFT HIM IN THE HOUSE ALONE… THEY'LL KNOW. YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY SON AWAY FROM ME WITHOUT A FIGHT." _

_I close my eyes and continue listening. "GROW UP, JIMMY! STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT ME AND YOU! STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT ME LEAVING YOUR SORRY ASS! THIS IS ABOUT ALEX!" I shiver as chills shoot up my spine as a tear trickles down my cheek. Why can't they just get along? Why's she have to be such a bitch? Why's he gotta be such a damn nag? Why can't they just get along? For me? I want both of them. I want mom and I want pop. Don't they care about what I want? When did I stop mattering? Why does there even have to be such a thing as divorce? "FINE! LET HIM DECIDE WHAT HE WANTS! LET HIM DECIDE! AND WHEN HE SAYS HE WANTS TO COME WITH HIS MOTHER, YOU BETTER BACK OFF MY CASE!"_

"_FINE! ALEX!" What are they calling me for? I wipe the tear that fell out of my eye and reluctantly descend from the steps. It's like stepping into a warzone with these two. I stand next to the steps, in the middle of the both of them. "You're not in trouble, son." Pop puts his hand on my shoulder and I nod. Mom changes her entire demeanor and wraps her arms around my body. I love it when she hugs me like this. "I just want you to answer me a question…alright?" I nod. "…You know mom's leaving, right? You know she's going down to Kansas?" How could I forget? I skipped football practice today to help her carry boxes into a truck. I just nod my head. "You wanna go with mom? Or you wanna stay here with all your friends, where you play ball and wrestle and go to school…which one?"_

"_Ally." Mom puts her lips against my hair. "Baby, don't you want to come with mommy? Kansas is beautiful… you'll meet new people and you'll have new experiences. My new house…it's right next to a farm. You can see the pigs and the cows and the horses and the sheep… and you can run around all you want. You'll make new friends and you'll be able to wrestle and play all kinds of football. You want to come with me, don't you? You don't want to stay here, do you?"_

"_Think this through, Alexander. I need you to decide what you want to do…you hear me?" I just nod. I don't know what the hell I want to do. I want to run the hell away. I don't want to deal with either one of you. Why couldn't I have been born to parents that actually like each other? "It's your decision, bud."_

"…_I'll go with mom." I shrug my shoulders and spit out anything. It's not necessarily what I want, it's just something that came out. I don't care what I do anymore. I just don't care. Pop's face is something else right now. He looks like I just said that he's dying. Crap. "Wait, nevermind… I wanna stay." Mom makes a noise that's similar to a puppy crying. Why would they do this? "…I wanna stay with dad, mom." I don't know what the hell I want anymore, honestly._

I still stand by my decision, even now, 20 years later. I still don't think that was even a decision I should've been making for myself but they made me do it. I don't think I made the wrong decision. I'm pretty confident that staying with pop was the right thing to do, but I still can't help but wonder what would've happened if I had chosen to go to Kansas with ma. How much different would my life be if I was raised by a single mom instead of a single dad? I wonder that every single day. I run my fingers through my hair, which is still damp from my shower, and slide my feet into the pair of hotel slippers I bought from the little store in the lobby. They're comfortable. I pull open the door to my hotel room and start walking down the hallway in the direction of her room. I'm in room 306 and she's in room 310. I'm beginning to think that asking her to come along was a mistake. Not that I wish I had left her homeless or anything like that, I just have way too much on my mind to be friendly with her. She's really trying to make this whole situation less awkward and I really do give her an A+ for trying. But I just have way too much on my mind to even think about making friends. She tried to play a game with me today in the car but I really wasn't even all that into it. Not that I don't like games because I enjoy games just as much as the next person. It's just that I had way too much on my mind while I was driving to even think about games. I really do appreciate the fact that she's trying to make the best out of a crappy situation though.

I make it to her door and knock three solid times. I'm just going to see if she wants anything to eat from room service and that's it. Honestly, she seems like she's a person that likes to be left alone for the most part. She's quiet when she's not talking my ear off and she mostly keeps to herself. I kind of feel like I'm bugging her by knocking. A few moments after I knock, I watch the door handle turn from the outside and she slowly opens up the door and peeks out first, then yanks it open when she sees that it's just me. She has on a long, baggy, black t-shirt and it's big so it doesn't look like she's wearing anything underneath the shirt. Her legs are delicious, have I mentioned that? They're so long and they look so smooth. I wanna lick them…or better yet, I wanna put them on my shoulders. "I was about to go to sleep… do you need something?" She reaches up and takes the black, plastic framed glasses she has on off. I like the glasses. They make her look sophisticated.

"You're going to sleep?" I look behind her to see what she was doing in there. I'm just curious as to what she does when she's alone. It looks like she was reading. She has a lamp on, the bed's blankets are pulled back where she would be sitting and I see a book sitting on the bed. "I just came to see if you wanted to order some food from room service for dinner…but if you're going to sleep…." I look at her eyes. She has soft, honest eyes. I actually feel kind of bad that she tried to play a game with me earlier and I just blew her off. "I was just wondering if you wanted to come eat dinner with me before we went to bed…"

"Oh…" She looks behind herself into her room like she's checking on something. "…I guess I could eat something." She pulls open the rest of her door and steps aside to let me in. "You can just eat in here though…since you're already down here." After I walk inside her room, she shuts the door behind me and that's when I see that yeah, she's wearing a pair of shorts underneath her t-shirt. "I am actually kind of hungry, I'm glad you came…" She goes back over to her bed and closes the book she was reading. I feel a bead of sweat roll down the back of my neck. I recognize that cover. I recognize it perfectly. What is she doing? She likes Michael Evans? She grabs her room service menu off her dresser and sits down on the bed. This just made everything worse. She's a Michael Evans fan. How the hell am I ever supposed to tell her that I'm him? I'm the very reason she's stuck with Alex Karev? She can't ever know who I am. Ever. "You ever…" She picks up the book and looks at it like she's unimpressed. I just play it cool. "I don't really imagine you like romance novels, but… I dunno, I guess this one's pretty good. I don't have anything else better to do..."

"Yeah, I don't read much." I shrug and sit down in the desk chair across from the part of the bed she's sitting on. I don't want to talk about books anymore, especially when she's reading MY book. I just feel like my facial expressions are going to go give me away or something and she'll know that I'm Michael Evans and she'll be pissed that I'm the reason she is in the predicament she's in. New subject. "So uh…" I clear my throat. "Sorry I was…an ass or whatever during the game earlier." I shrug. I'm not really sorry for it but I just want to change the subject, desperately. "I had a lot on my mind, I wasn't really focused on it." She nods her head and keeps looking down at my book. _Put the damn book down. _"Wanna… wanna play again?" I don't really want to play this damn game with her but I want her to leave the book ALONE for crying out loud. Remind me to find a way to sneak it out of here before I leave her room for the night. I'll toss it outside in the dumpster. "The game, I mean…"

"Sure." She perks up, smiles and folds her legs so she's sitting Indian-style with her legs crossed like a pretzel. I try to stop them, but my eyes have a mind of their own and they wander anyway. The pair of shorts she's wearing are pretty tight and since her legs are crossed, her shirt is pulled back so I have a clear-eye view. If I can see it this clearly, how the hell does anybody not expect me to look at it? Her legs are parted and they're crossed and it's all I can even think about. I wish those shorts were a little looser though, because then I'd be able to see through her leg-holes. The shorts are clinging to her legs pretty good. Okay so she's definitely shaved or waxed. I can't see any traces of hair. It doesn't even look like it could possibly be hairy, I know that it's bald…the way I like. I can just imagine what it looks like without the shorts covering it. She has a real sexy beauty mark on the inside of her thigh that I'd like to lick. I don't go around giving just any old girl head, I really don't. But from what I can see—from the little bit of it I can see—hers…is definitely…one that I would eat, without hesitation. "…I started last time, you start this time." She says.

I lick my lips and regretfully take my eyes off of it. _I bet she tastes like candy. She looks like she'd taste like candy. If this girl could read my thoughts, she'd probably run away screaming. The things I'd do to her are sinful. I want her. I want her, bad. _"Alright." I officially clear my thoughts free of the nasty, dirty, porn-like things I'd do to her and try hard to focus on our convo. "Wh…what…" I clear my throat again. "What's one of your…flaws?" I just ask to seem like I'm interested in getting to know her when really, I just want to know how wet she gets and if she'd let me lick it up or not. Or maybe it's good to know what one of her flaws is, because I really can't find one…except for the fact that she's a motor-mouth.

"I have a bad temper." She lies down on her stomach and puts her chin in her hands. "I get really mad…REALLY fast. And it's horrible. I have a really horrible temper and sometimes my attitude can be crappy." I raise an eyebrow. _Really? You? Bad temper? _"How about you? What's one of your flaws?"

"Likewise." I mumble.

"I guess that's one thing we have in common." She crosses her legs in the air and sighs. "Do you like giving or receiving better?"

I shrug. "Depends on what it is." She narrows her eyes at me like I'm a pig, so I take the moment to explain. "Like painful things. I like giving punches better than receiving punches…and other things. So it's like…you have to clarify. Do you mean giftwise?"

"I don't think it really matters. You're thinking too deep into it. Just pick one, giving or receiving?"

"It really does matter though." I buck her. "What about head?" I just say it, bluntly and straight to the point. She wrinkles her brow. "What about that? Because generally I'll say I like giving better than receiving when it comes to gifts and stuff but I'd be lying if I said that I like giving head better than receiving head. I'll do both but I like one more than the other…get it?"

"I didn't know we were playing naughty 20 questions." She rolls her eyes at me. "New question…" She's either annoyed with me or irritated that I made it dirty. Either way it goes, I just blew it. "What's your favorite food? You can't make that dirty." She mumbles that last part which lets me know that her irritation is with the fact that I made it dirty when it wasn't supposed to be. Oops.

"Banana cream pie." I start cracking my knuckles. "…Yours?"

"Bacon."

"Bacon's good…real good. Are you a crispy kind of girl or are you chewy?"

"I like it chewy." She cracks a smile.

"Crispy for the win." I sigh. It's my turn to ask. "What's one of your pet peeves?"

"…When people assume things. Or when they accuse me of something I'm not or something I didn't do. That really pisses me off."

"I can dig that." I really can. I don't like when people jump to conclusions either. "I don't like it when people chew with their mouths open. Or when they burp without saying excuse me."

She giggles really hard that that. "Well okay then!" She shakes her head. "Do you have any nicknames?"

"Alex is a nickname, I guess. My full name's Alexander, so I guess that kind of counts as a nickname."

"Alexander…"

"Josephine." I don't know where that came from and I can't tell you where I just pulled that out of, but I swear I remember her telling me that her name is Josephine. She tunes her nose up at me and winces, like her name hurts. Josephine is a pretty ugly name. But she kind of…. I think she makes it pretty. "What's something you would never, ever, ever do?" I ask her. I don't want to admit it, but I'm kind of having fun with this. "Ever."

"…I would never be a nudist. I think nudists are weird." She shakes her head.

"I don't think I could do that either." I agree with her.

"Have you ever been in love?" The tone of her voice completely changes with this question.

"Yeah." I nod and answer her honestly. "College girlfriend. Turned out to be a total bitch though. Dodged that bullet." I bite my lip. "You? You ever been in love?" She shakes her head.

"…What's it like? To be in love, I mean."

I take a moment to think about how to answer that. That's a good question. I lean back against the back of the chair I'm sitting in and look up at the ceiling. I take myself back to the tine I was in love with Lucy. "…It's kind of like… like you'd do anything in the world to be with that person because you're sick without them. It's like you constantly worry about what they're doing and you worry if you can do anything to help. You'd do anything for that person because that person is your life. Your entire happiness rests on whether or not that person is happy. And you can't wait to be with them because when you're not, your world isn't complete." This isn't Alex talking. I think this is Michael Evans talking. "And when you see her…or him… your world stops for a second because that person IS your world. Love is not caring about…not caring about anything else…because if you're with the one you love, nothing else matters. If you're in a good mood…bad mood. If you look like crap or if you look like a model. If you smell bad…if you're an asshole or the sweetest person, it doesn't matter. The person you love is still gonna think the sun shines out your ass. That's what it's like." Alright, I have to stop before she starts getting any ideas about me being Michael Evans.

She's just looking at me with soft eyes. "…Wow…" She cracks a funny little smile. That's beautiful. You should write…poetry. Or greeting cards…" Her voice has a little rasp to it all of a sudden that I find really sexy.

"Shut up." I mumble still though, because she's being a ball buster.

"I'm serious."

"And so am I. Shut up."

* * *

**A/N:** So a lot happened in this chapter! :) Let me know what you guys think! &amp; I just want to tell you guys that I realllllllllllllllllly REALLY enjoy extra, super long reviews lol. I love reading them so keep them up!

Also, there's something I mentioned very briefly and just skimmed over in regards to Alex. I'll be going into depth about it in the upcoming chapters, I'm just wondering if anybody picked up on it? I glossed over it VERY briefly, but I made sure I added it in there. Lemme know if you caught on.

&amp; to Sarah: No significance in the birthdays, I just decided to keep it consistent. Alex's birthday really is January 5th in the show, so i kept that. &amp; to me, Jo seems like she was born in the spring...so yeah. lol.


	13. Feelings

I rest my head against the door frame and gaze out the open window. It's such a beautiful day outside today. It's hot and it's humid but for as fast as he's driving down the hallway, it's not at all uncomfortable. His speed makes the wind blow hard into the window and my hair is flying all over the place in the breeze. It's really pretty out here too. There's nothing but endless road in front of us as we're driving down a highway but there are bright, striking green trees lining the sides of the road and it's quiet because there are no trucks on this highway. It's just a line of cars so far in front of us that we can't catch up, so essentially, it's just us out here driving along the road. It's quiet in the car because as usual, the two of us aren't speaking to one another and just like yesterday, his eyes are completely fixated on the road in front of him and he looks extremely focused. Unlike yesterday though, he actually put a CD in the player. It's not turned up and it's so low that I have to hold my breath to hear what song is playing, but it's still nice to just have a little bit of background noise. I take a deep breath full of the fresh air coming through my window then look down at the French fry container I'm holding in my lap. I pluck two fries from the container and stuff them in my mouth.

We stopped at McDonald's for lunch before we got on the interstate because we're going to be driving for hours straight before we make it to the next hotel. I still have a little bit of fries leftover from my lunch and I'm not wasteful so I'm going to eat them until they're gone, even though I'm full. If I had bought the food with my own money I wouldn't mind throwing the rest of the fries out because then I'd be wasting my own money. But he bought me lunch and I refuse to waste his money. I'll be the first to admit that my first impression of him was totally and completely wrong. I mean, he totally comes off as a callous, shallow bastard but I've been getting to know him and really, he's not that bad. He's been feeding me and making sure I have somewhere to sleep every night and he's been really nice about everything so far. He hasn't been truly mean to me. I think the heartless personality is just an act and for some reason, he wants people to think that he's some big giant hard ass. He has feelings though. I've seen them. I don't know why he doesn't like for his feelings to be shown. I don't know why he has this guard up. I pick up two more fries and put them both in my mouth.

Not that I have any money to spend, but I really do wonder why he hasn't even asked me to pay for anything yet. He's been paying for everything without a thought so far. He doesn't even ask me to chip in on the bills. He just pays for the food and the hotel and he doesn't even ask me for a single red cent. I wonder why. At this point, I wouldn't say that the two of us are complete strangers anymore but it's not like we've been friends for years. It's not like we're close enough in friendship terms that it's acceptable for him to keep footing my bills. We're not that good of friends. Hell, I don't even know if we could be considered as friends, really. I think we're still at the point of being associates. I pick up the last two French fries in the container and eat them. I put the container in the middle of us, right next to the cup holders and look back out the window. I put my head back against the headrest and just stare at the world passing us by and just lose myself in my rapid thoughts.

I have so many questions I would like to ask him but he doesn't seem like he's very good with questions. Well first and foremost, I would like to know what the name he publishes under is. I just want to know if his stuff is any good and if it's worth reading. I don't think I'm going to get that out of him anytime soon though. I also want to know if there's a reason he decided to go to California when he did. I admit that it was pretty weird timing. His store just burned down and instead of sticking around to clean up the carnage or do insurance things regarding the store, he skipped town. What's his logic here? Is there any logic here? Or did he really just never give a damn about the store in the first place? From the corner of my eye, I watch his hand move and twist as he turns up the volume on the radio. He must like this song, whatever it is. He hasn't turned up the radio for the entire two hours we've been driving so far. I turn my head and gaze back out the window again. Off the side of the road, in a little clearing from the trees is a large, attention-catching sign. The sign is dark blue with a yellow sunflower in the corner of it. The words are white and it says, "Welcome to Kansas…The Sunflower State." It really didn't take long to get here at all. I wonder if we're going to be where we need to be soon. I don't think we will because he made it very clear that we're going to have to sleep in another hotel tonight. I turn my head and look at him. "What's in Kansas?" I ask. He doesn't do very well with questions but I don't think I asked something to horrible. He could answer that.

He flicks his turn signal on and gets out of the fast lane and into the slower lane. I think he needs to take an exit off the slow lane because that's the only reason I can imagine him having to get out of the fast lane and into the slow lane when he's a very fast driver anyway. "My…uh…family." The tone of his voice is nicer, softer today than it's been since I've ever had to associate with him. It is kind of crazy how I was working for him for six months before any of this happened and he's already been nicer in two days than he's been to me in the entire six months I was working for him. I'm trying to push the memories of him being a complete asshole towards me aside but it's kind of hard to just forget. The thing I remember most is how he laughed at me for crying when he fired me. He really can be disgusting. "My mom." He clarifies. He's going to visit his mom? That's sweet. "I just gotta run her some money…for my sister." He puts his turn signal on once again and takes an exit off the highway, just like I expected him to. "My sister's going to college in a couple months and she needs books." I didn't even ask him to elaborate on that, he did it on his own. Does this mean he actually _wants _to talk to me?

"That was nice of you." I tuck my hair behind my ears and turn in my seat to face him better. "So are you originally from Kansas then?" He mumbles "uh-uh" while shaking his head. "So did you just…move there or something?" I kick off my flip flops on the floor and sit with my legs crossed in the chair. Have I mentioned how nice his car is? Because it's really nice. I don't know what brand and model it is but it's a really nice car. It looks expensive as heck. "I guess I'm just asking how your mom ended up in Kansas but you ended up in Iowa…" I wince because I feel like he's going to yell at me for being so nosy. But to my surprise, he doesn't. He glances down at his gas gauge and keeps driving.

"My mom's from Kansas. Born and raised in Kansas but she moved to Iowa for art school after she graduated from high school. My dad was born and raised in Sioux City so that's how that goes. When they divorced, my mom just went back home. There was no reason for her to stay in Iowa anymore after they got divorced so she just didn't." I kind of like learning more about him. I guess he's just an interesting person because he interests me. And I'm surprised because he doesn't seem like it's something that's annoying him. He's just freely talking to me like it's the most natural thing in the world. "She didn't stay in art school. She got pregnant with me when she was 20 and she dropped out. They got a divorce when she was 30 so I guess she could've gone back if she really wanted to, but she just didn't."

"Well that's crappy." I really to empathize with him. I know divorce is never that easy on the children that are involved and really, divorces can screw a kid up pretty badly. If his parents got a divorce when his mom was 30 and his mom had him when she was 20, that would've made him ten years old when they divorced. That's rough. "You ever wish they stayed together? When you were younger, I mean. Did you ever just throw a hail Mary and pray that they'd stay together? Or did you not care?"

"Yeah." He nods but I don't know what he's saying yeah for. Yeah to which question? "When I was younger I wanted them to be together. Like all throughout middle school I wanted them to get back together. But when I got older, I just started to not care. Now that I'm older…" He glances over at me. "I kind of just realize that it was the right thing to do. I mean, I used to think that they could fix it if they wanted to. But they really couldn't have. And rather than just around and argue all the time, they just ended it. It was the right thing to do. They didn't really have any business being together anyway. She was 20 and he was 35 when they had me. That was a disaster in itself."

"They were just in different places of their lives." I look at his face while he's explaining this to me and I swear, I can see just a little hint of sadness in there somewhere. I'm not a psychologist, nor am I a mind reader, but I really think he just needs someone to talk to about this. Why else would he just start going on and on and on about how his parents divorced? He probably never had anyone to talk to about that before. I'll listen if he needs me to. I don't give very good advice but I'm a hell of a listener. "The love was probably there but they were just in different places, probably. I mean think about it… your mom probably just wanted to be a kid still because she was a kid when she had you and your dad was probably just ready to be a man about it…and they just clashed. I bet the love was there they just couldn't figure it out."

"I don't know about the love thing…but you're dead on about the different places thing." He takes his eyes off the road for a second to look at me. "My mom just wasn't ready to be a mom at that point in her life." I can definitely see that he harbors some heavy feelings about his parents' divorce. I can see it in his eyes. "She wasn't a bad mom." He looks back at the road again. "She was just…selfish. She cared about me a hell of a lot, she loved me…she just wanted to be young. She still baked cookies and tucked me in bed and all that bullcrap. But if my dad wasn't home to watch me by a certain time so she could go out and party, that was an issue. She just didn't like being with me all the time. She felt like she was alone and stuff because my dad worked a lot to pay the bills. But he worked so she didn't have to work. He worked so she would just have to worry about school if she decided to go back."

"Your dad sounds like he's amazing. Seriously, where can I find me one? I'd love to just worry about my career while my man is working to make sure we have a place to live. Sounds amazing." He cracks a little smirk. "I'm so serious. Does your dad have a brother? Maybe a distant cousin? Tell him I'm single and I'll take him." Oddly enough, his dad has a son that's an asshole. A very, very, very attractive son, but an asshole son. It kind of makes me wonder though. If he was raised by his dad, did his dad instill some of that into him? Your parents really have the biggest influences on you, don't they? His dad had to have rubbed off on him. "Is your sister your dad's kid too? Or are you guys just half-siblings?"

"We're half. I was my dad's only child."

"…Was?" I raise my eyebrow at that.

"My dad's dead now…hence the reason that the store belonged to me and not him."

"The store was his?"

"Where else did you think the name 'Jimmy's' came from?" He asks. "James Evans…everybody called him Jimmy though." Okay, I admit that it makes sense. If his dad's name was Jimmy…okay, I guess it makes sense. I just wasn't thinking. "My dad worked for years to get the shop off the ground. He used to work on cars for money. The store was his livelihood. I didn't really…give a crap about it, but he did, so." He shrugs. "So how about you? You got folks that you'd like to go visit?"

"Um…no." I shake my head and look down at my legs. I don't really want to think about how much I miss my mom and dad right now because I'll end up crying and then he'll see me cry and I know he'll do the same thing he did last time and he'll laugh at me for crying and it'll suck so bad. So I find something else to focus on, like my fuzzy legs. I haven't shaved them in two weeks. I think I packed a razor in my bag somewhere so I'll shave them tonight while I'm showering at whatever hotel we're going to stay at. "My mom and dad are both dead." He kind of told me a lot about himself and I'll feel insufficient if I don't reciprocate. I think this is good. I think we're getting to know each other. We're bonding. "I was actually adopted." I look over at him to see his face. He looks clearly shocked but I can also tell that he's trying to remain respectful. He doesn't have to though, because I totally get it. People usually have a lot of questions when I tell them that I was adopted. "Yeah, I was in foster care until I was ten…and that's when my mom and my dad adopted me. They both died while I was in college though."

"That's tough." For the first time since I've been associating with him, he actually sounds like he cares about something that I've said. "So you don't have anybody else but yourself?" I shake my head and start running my hands over my legs. I really don't want him to see me crying. The last time he saw me cry he laughed at me and he was really annoyed and he made me feel like such crap when he did that. I don't want to feel that horrible again. "Do you have…friends, at least?" I shake my head again. "Why not? You seem like you'd have a lot of friends."

"I just… I'm not very good at making friends." Finally something I can be happier about. I mean not having friends is equally as depressing as your parents dying or whatever, but I've accepted the fact that I don't have friends a very long time ago. I'm actually not that sad about the fact that I have no friends. "I was awkward in elementary school. I was chubby and I was a nerd…I just didn't fit in. I got picked on because I didn't have parents. In middle school, I was still chubby and one of the outcasts. It just never got better in high school. I'm not pretty like the girls that I went to school with and I wasn't real heavy on smoking and drinking and getting high on the weekends. I liked school. I didn't really like to have sex… I was just an outcast. And in college, nobody wanted to associate with the girl that couldn't afford to even be there. I was there because I got a scholarship. I wasn't there because my parents could afford to send me. It was Ivy League so of course everyone around me was richy-rich and wealthy." I pick at my nails to avoid making eye contact with him. "I don't do well with friends."

"That's a shock. I thought you'd have a bunch of friends." For some reason, he switches back to the slow lane again. I don't see an exit in sight so I'm clueless as to why he would go back to the slow lane but I guess it's not really my business. I'm not the one driving. "I'll be your friend though…if you want to be my friend, that is." I crack a smile at that and shake my head. "Whaaat? I thought I was being nice."

"I don't want pity friends." I stare at his side profile again. His eyes are lit up and he looks like he's happy. I've done the impossible. I've made him smile. I've made him happy. "I don't want you to be my friend because you feel sorry for me or because you're stuck in a car with me. I want you to be my friend because you like me."

"I do like you. You're smart…a little bit annoying…chatty. But you're nice and you know how to take a hint so I like that about you. I'm not a pity friend." He looks over at me and I give him that "I know you're lying" look. I can't explain this, but I'll try. When I look into his eyes this time, I feel like…like I was just shocked. Like I have electricity running all through my bloodstream and magnets in my chest. Magnets in my chest that are attracted to the magnets in his chest. I feel weird. "Okay, so I am a pity friend…so what though? A friend is a friend." He takes his eyes off me and puts them back on the road and the feeling goes away when he's not looking at me anymore. Why did that just happen? And why are my palms so sweaty all of a sudden? "I don't have very many friends either."

"I guess we can be friends then." I say that as if I'm doing him a favor. I'm still feeling really weird. I feel like my stomach is tying itself in knots. And I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I sigh and decide to change the conversation from something so playful to something more serious. I feel like every time I talk to him about something playful and maybe even a little flirtatious, I get nauseous. "…I guess I can see why you wouldn't have a lot of friends…" _That came out so wrong! That is NOT what I meant! Oh my god!_

"Well gee, thanks. Some friend you are…" He tries to act like it was a funny little joke but I can tell that I hurt his feelings. Let me clear this up.

"I'm so sorry…that's not what I meant." I apologize. Really, that isn't what I meant to say. I didn't meant that to suggest that he's too big of jerk to have any friends. I mean, he is a jerk and if people don't give him a chance to see past his jerk ways, I could see him having a hard time getting along with people. But that's not what I was going for. "I meant… like…." I bite my lip. I hope he doesn't take this out of context. "You're obviously wealthy…and you're obviously successful. People probably try to be your friend all the time just because you have money and stuff like that. It must be hard for you to know who your true friends are sometimes…" That's what I meant. That came out really, really wrong.

"It's not as bad as you'd probably think. I just like to keep to myself." He retorts. He really doesn't seem like he took offense to what I said and I'm glad for that. The last thing I need is to piss him off in any type of way and make him kick me out on the side of the road for some reason. "That's the case for relationships though… girls just wanting the money." I nod. I expected that. He seems like he'd be a person that gets around quite a bit. He's hot…I'd let him have his way with me if he wanted to. But I bet he's had a lot of sex partners and I'm unsure about that. If I slept with him, I'd probably catch something. "I am surprised though. I thought for sure you'd have friends and a boyfriend, at the very least." I laugh out loud at his assumption. Me? A boyfriend? Please. I put my hand on my chest while I laugh. "Like I said, I was wrong about you."

"I _wish _I had a boyfriend." I roll my eyes. "I had like…one real boyfriend, my senior year of college. And he dumped me after I had sex with him." I start picking at my nails again because this is another subject that'll make me cry. I'm not real pretty. I'm not ugly, but I'm really not all that pretty. Guys never did find me to be drop dead gorgeous or whatever so when my this guy sought me out at a basketball game just to talk to me, I really felt special. He was really nice to me and he called me beautiful and I swear I felt so special. It was bad judgment on my part, but we were only dating for a week when I had sex with him. We had been talking for two weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend. But we were only officially dating for a week when I laid down and had sex with him. And he dumped me the next day. That was the last time I had sex. I guess it's acceptable for me to still be upset over that situation because honestly, the wound is still fresh. It only happened like seven months ago. "Guys don't find me pretty, Alex." I pick away a piece of my nail and toss it on the floor.

"Yeah well…guys are like that. I don't know why we're like that but we are. I think we just get bored. It's just something internal, really. It's like…we have sex with one girl and that's fine but we get bored with her so we need another. It's nothing against you, it's just the way our brains are programmed." He tries to clear it up but there's literally no excuse for that "relationship" I was in. It's kind of making me mad how he's defending the guy. But I guess I can't really get mad if he doesn't know the full story. I don't know. "Don't give up just because one guy was a jerk. There are a lot of jerks out there but there are some that aren't. You just gotta excuse the way our minds work sometimes."

"Yeah, well are your brains programmed to slap a girl if she says no at first? Just wondering." I accidentally snap on him but he's making me so mad with how he's defending him. There is no defending that. I mean yeah, all most guys want is sex and then that's it. But that's not normal for a guy to slap you across your face when you tell him that you haven't been dating long enough to have sex. And it's definitely not normal for the guy to break up with you as soon as you give it to him. That's not normal and I don't care what he says, boys' brains are not programmed to do that. "I just don't believe that. I believe that there is some good in everybody but I'm not going to believe that it's a guy thing…"

"…No." He shakes his head and gets real quiet. "That's not…a guy thing. I don't think guys should hit girls."

"Yeah well he hit me." I look back out the window. "Slapped me right across my face for saying no. Then dumped me when I actually did it." I sigh. "But we fought though, so." I shrug. "It's not like he slapped me and I didn't do anything. He slapped me and I ended up giving him a black eye for putting his hands on me." I look back at him because I've got a better handle on my emotions now. "I think domestic stuff goes both ways though. I don't think girls should hit boys either. I think if a girl hits a guy she's just asking to get beat up. It's a two-way street. I don't get why guys have all the stigma. Nobody should hit anybody in a relationship, male or female and that's how it should be. Boys are raised to not hit girls but girls should be raised to not hit boys either."

"Yeah, but a guy can do so much more damage."

"Sexist."

"I'm sexist now?"

"Yeah. For assuming that a girl can't do as much damage to a guy as a guy can do to a girl. That's sexist." I explain myself. He snickers and shakes his head. "….I'm pretty sure I could kick your ass." He raises his eyebrows. I nod my head. "I could. I could beat your ass and I know I could."

"I'd like to see you try. You're what? 5-feet, 5-inches? No more than 60-pounds?"

"I'm 5'6 and I'm 130. I could kick your ass, Alex. Don't underestimate me."

"Alright Jo-suh-feen. Believe what you want."

I roll my eyes at him and crack a smile. I'm getting that feeling again. I feel weird all over again. "What's your full name? Alexander….what?"

"You first."

"Elizabeth….plain and that's all. Josephine Elizabeth Wilson. It's nothing special."

"Alexander Michael Karev." He mumbles.

"But I thought—"

"I got my mom's last name." He explains before I even get a chance to ask him about it. Weird how he just knew what I was going to say. "That was their compromise in the divorce. My dad got full custody of me but I had to take my mom's last name. Don't ask why because I don't know, but that's the deal.

"So you were Alex Evans until you were 10?" I ask. He nods his head. Alex Karev sounds better than Alex Evans, I admit that much. Alexander Michael Karev…as opposed to Alexander Michael Evans. _Wait… _I look over at him and just wrinkle my brow. His eyes are focused on the road again so he doesn't know that I'm looking at him but I can't stop looking at him. I close my eyes to envision the cover of the book I have in my bag that's in the trunk of his car. _The Hour by Michael A. Evans. The A… Alexander? _Michael Alexander Evans… maybe that's code for Alexander Michael Evans. Does the A in Michael A. Evans stand for Alexander? It's him. He's Michael Evans. Why didn't he tell me? I sit back against the seat I'm sitting in and keep my arms folded across my chest while I'm deep in thought over the piece of information I just found out. Why wouldn't he tell me? He saw me reading his book last night and he didn't tell me.

It's quiet between the two of us now and the only sound is coming from the song that just started playing on the radio. _Maybe it's all just a big coincidence. Maybe he really isn't Michael Evans. _No, he has to be. It makes all too much sense. The… the name is just too perfect. He's Michael Evans. I think I'm mad at him for not telling me, but then again, I don't know if I have the right to be mad at him. I mean, he doesn't really have to tell me if he doesn't want to tell me. But I feel like he's lying to me. I feel like he lied. Did he lie though? Is it technically lying? He starts slowing down as we approach a toll. "Can you reach in my glovebox and hand me the wallet in there? I got some change." I don't want to let on that I'm just a little bit mad at him or something so I just reach forward and open up the glove compartment. I grab the wallet he's talking about and hand it to him. A small, rectangular, purple box catches my attention in the compartment. I tilt my head so I can see if it's what I think it is. _Trojan Ecstasy Bare Skin Condoms. _I bite my lip to try not to crack a smile. I'm trying to be mad at him but it's like he won't let me.

"I'm not sitting on anybody's…bodily juices, am I?" I turn and look at him and present him with the pack of condoms I found. "I mean because that's gross. I don't even like the things that come out of my own vagina, let alone anybody else's. So if I'm sitting on…" I can't file through my brain quickly enough to find a PG word for the word I want to use, so I just use the one that's on the tip of my tongue anyway. "If I'm sitting on anybody's cum, can you tell me?"

"…That escalated quickly." He starts laughing and pushes on the gas to drive away after he pays the toll. "…See that towel in the back?" He motions to the backseat with his head. I glance in the back and see a white towel just chillin on the backseat. I nod my head. "I always put that down before I have sex in here. So no…you're not sitting on…cum."

"You're gross!" I throw the condoms back in the glove compartment and shut it. I noticed that he had the biggest size that condoms come in. Does that mean he's packing? _Jesus Christ, Jo. Get yourself together. _But I can't… I'm trying to be mad at him, I'm really trying. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. But now he has the biggest condoms in his car and now I'm thinking about how big his junk is. I discreetly let my eyes wander over to between his legs. I'm trying to make out the imprint of where I think it is but I can't. His pants are too baggy for me to even get an impression. What if I just like…touched it? Would he be mad? I haven't had sex in so long. Crap, I'm fantasizing again.

Crap, crap, crap. I just want him on top of me. Better yet, let me be on top of him. Let me ride him for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. I want it so bad. He's like 30 though. He's 30 and I'm like a little sister to him. I'm probably not even his type and he probably only wants somebody his own age. I'm too young for him. _I may be young but I know what the hell I'm doing though. I'll ride the crap out of him and I swear he'll love it. I'm young but I know what I'm doing. _He has a nice name to scream out during climax. _Alex… Alex…. _I just sigh. I really need to get myself together.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Just come down to my room when you're done taking a shower and stuff. We'll see what's good down at the cafeteria for dinner." Tonight, we have rooms that are next to one another as opposed to rooms down the hall from each other like we had last night. I didn't ask to have rooms beside each other, it just worked out that way. This hotel isn't as nice as the one from last night but it's still nice nonetheless. We're only about an hour outside of Kansas City. We could've made it to my mom's tonight but I didn't really want to. One, it's 7:00 at night which means we would've gotten there around 8:00 or 8:30 if there's traffic but that's too late for me. I'd rather just go tomorrow and get it over with then. She leans against the door to her room with her bag in hand and just nods. I think she's waiting for me to leave first but I'm actually waiting for her to go in her room. She has a black tank top on today which shows her boobs off and she has on a pair of blue jean shorts that are so tight, they fit around her ass perfectly. She's really thin but her ass sticks out and so do her boobs. I swear she's actually perfect. "Are you gonna go in your room or not?"

She shakes her head and smiles at me. "You go in your room first." Today's been a much better day than yesterday. She and I have actually been talking today and I feel like I'm really starting to know her. She's starting to break through to me. At first, I kind of liked that she's making me open up to her because aside from the fact that I really want to fuck her, I feel like me and her could be friends. But just friends, nothing more than friends. I'm letting her in…but I refuse to let her in too much. Last time I let a girl in too far, I started to love her. And when I started to love her, I found her in the shower with my roommate. I'm a ways off from starting to love Jo, but even still, I'm going to be cautious and I'm not going to let this happen. We're friends and nothing more than friends. She's looking at me with those big, pretty brown eyes and I have to look away before she sucks me in. I look down at her lips. Her lips are full and plump and perfectly pink. She has kissable lips. I wanna kiss her. But if I kiss her, I'm going to put my hands on her perfect ass and I'm going to end up in bed with this girl and I don't want to do that.

"Go in your room, Jo." I really don't want to have sex with her. Because I'm not into her, you know? She's hot. She's sexy, she's hot and she's a cool person but I'm not into her. And from what she told me in the car, it seems like somebody that wasn't into her already had sex with her and dumped her after it and I could see it on her face that the guy who did that broke her. See, if I slept with her, it'd be the same thing. I'm not into her like that. All I want is to have sex with her and I don't want to be held accountable for upsetting her when I have to make it clear that it's JUST SEX. So I'd LOVE to fuck her. I would LOVE to make her scream my name until she can't breathe anymore. But I don't want to end up upsetting her.

"Make me." She bucks me on this. _I'll make you do more than go in your room. I'll make you scream, make your legs shake, make your back hurt, make between your legs numb…just go in the room. _She takes one step towards me and we're close enough to each other that if I reached my hand out just a little, I'd be touching her waist. I just want to kiss her. That's all. I want to taste her lips. I'm trying not to, but I feel my face just lean in a bit and tilt, like it does when I'm about to kiss someone. My eyes even start to close. "…Alex." She puts her hand against my chest and pushes me back. I open my eyes and look at her. I just had a lapse in judgment for a second there. I didn't mean to. I lost control of my hormones for a minute. Her eyebrows are wrinkled and she looks really confused. "…What are you doing?"

I didn't mean to almost kiss her like that. But I don't want her to know that I want her, so to save face, I'll just tell her anyway. "I'm kissing you…"

"…Don't." She shakes her head at me and puts her hand against the door. "Don't kiss me." She keeps shaking her head and opens her door. "I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry." She goes right inside her room.

"Jo." I don't want her to be upset about this. "Jo, don't do this…" She shuts her door in my face. _Damn._


	14. Doors

**A/N:** Little bit of **M **rated content in this chapter.

* * *

"Jo." He's knocking on the door so hard and so loud that his knocks are all I can hear. I can't even hear myself think. I just hear him knocking, knocking and calling my name. Just let me think. "Jo, open up….come on, open up." Why won't he just leave me alone? I just need to think on my own. Please just leave me alone. I take a step away from my door and put my hands on my head. I feel myself breaking. It's like the seams holding me together and popping and I'm going to break down sooner or later. He just needs to go away so I can think. "Open the door, Jo!" _No! Oh my god, just go away. _Still and yet, my legs have a mind of their own and they walk themselves over to the door. I put my hand on the handle and choke. He just tried to kiss me. He was going to kiss me. He leaned in, closed his eyes, tilted his head and started to actually _kiss _me. Why would he do that? He doesn't want to kiss me. He can't kiss me. I take my hand away from the doorknob and turn back around to walk to my bed. I don't know what to do. I put my back against the door and slide down it until I'm sitting down. I pull my knees up into my chest and rest my forehead against them. "Jo? Please open up. Just let me explain, okay? For two seconds." I don't have two seconds to give. _Just GO AWAY. _

I feel my throat closing up. A lump forms in the back of my throat and my eyes start to sting from unshed tears. I wanted to kiss him, I did. It felt like the right thing to do would have been to kiss him. Everything inside of me told me to lean in right with him. Every bone in my body, every impulse I had just led me to leaning in, tilting my head, closing my eyes and kissing him the way he wanted to kiss me. But I felt like if our lips touched, I would've thrown up in his mouth. When I saw him start to close in on me like that, I knew he was leaning towards a kiss. I knew exactly what he was doing. And I wanted to kiss him, I swear I did. But I got so scared. It's like my whole body just went cold and I froze and I couldn't even remember how to kiss anyone. I've been kissed before, sure. I've kissed a lot of guys before and I know how to kiss and I've actually been told that I'm a good kisser. But I couldn't kiss him. I couldn't even think about kissing him. Just the thought of kissing him makes me sick. _He _makes me sick. And it's not in the way that people usually sicken me. No, this kind of sick is like somebody punched me in my stomach. Like I get all choked up and I can't breathe whenever I'm around him because I just can't stand the thought of me looking anything less than perfect for him. I get all nervous and my palms sweat when he looks at me and I just feel like I need to be perfect. And it scares me. I'm scared.

He finally stopped knocking, but I know he's still there because he's still calling me. Why won't he just leave me alone? Was my chest-push too subtle for him? I told him not to kiss me. I even slammed the door in his face for crying out loud. Why won't he just leave me alone? "…Jo, will you just open the door? Please?" I shake my head as if he can see me and bury my face in my knees. What's wrong with me? My shoulders hunch and my stomach churns as the tears just roll out of my eyes. What is the matter with me? Why does he make me so crazy? I sniff and wipe my eyes with the pads of my thumbs. I just want to be his friend. We're friends, right? Me and him…friends? I don't know what's wrong with me or why he makes me so crazy. I've never felt this way about anybody before. I don't know what this is but I need him to just leave me the hell alone. I don't want to feel this way. I don't like feeling this way. "Alright…I'm going to my room. But please come talk to me, whenever you're ready..." I can tell he's genuine, just by the sound of his voice. His usual brash, gruff, sarcasm-filled voice is softer this way, persuasive almost. I wipe my eyes again and look at the crack underneath the door. I watch the shadows of his feet walk away.

I put my hands on my knees and pick myself up off the floor. I can't face him after I ran away from kissing him. I just can't. I need a while for it to become a little less awkward than what it already is. I mean, I basically just rejected him. And even worse than that, I rejected him out of something that I really wanted to do. I wanted to kiss him just as much as it seemed like he wanted to kiss me. But I chickened out. I got scared, I chickened out and I ran away from him. How do I face him after that? He probably thinks that I just didn't want to kiss him and I'm not attracted to him or whatever, which I guess is partially true. I did want to kiss him and I would like to have sex with him sure, but I'm really not interested in anything more than that. I can't see myself with him. I'm just really not in the position to have a boyfriend right now. I've never really even had a boyfriend before so I'm really not even sure how to be a girlfriend, but I know for sure that if I ever were to have a boyfriend, I wouldn't want him to be like Alex. I'm not interested in being his girlfriend, but I swear I wanted to kiss him. _What makes you think he'd want you to be his girlfriend anyway, Jo? What if he feels the exact same way? What if he just wants to kiss you because…he just wanted to kiss you? What if he doesn't even want to be your boyfriend? _I walk to the bathroom of my hotel room and immediately start running my shower water. I just need to take a shower and clear my thoughts. I need to clear my mind. Without even thinking, I whip around the bathroom and put out a towel, a washcloth and start coming out of my clothes. Subconsciously I remember that I wanted to at least shave my legs tonight, so I find my way back to my bedroom and snatch a razor from my bag.

I'm just so in over my head with all of this. I'm way, way in over my head. I pull the shower door back and get inside. I slam it shut behind me because that seems to be the theme for tonight…slamming doors and such. How could I want to kiss somebody as bad as I just wanted to kiss him ten minutes ago, but run away when the time comes to do it? What am I? Since when have I been this big of a chicken? I just don't get how I can spend all my time just fantasizing about him but when he tries to make a move, I chicken out? And I get all these weird feelings when I'm in his presence. I don't know why he makes me so nervous. I know why he intimidates me. He's wealthy, he's successful…he's just an intimidating man. Not to mention he's big and he's muscular and that's intimidating in itself. I can pinpoint exactly why he intimidates me but why does he make me nervous? And why do I feel so freaking weird around him? This has literally never happened to me before.

I just need to get him off my mind. I just have to stop even thinking about him in any way that's more than a friend. Because I swear, that's all I want to be is his friend. He is so incredibly sexy and I fantasize about him a lot but it's nothing that I ever think I'd act on. It's more like a crush. I have a crush on him and he makes me so crazy when I think about him in a sexual way, but I'm not interested in being anything more than his friend. I can't get attached to someone like him. Someone like him could never really like someone like me. I mean, let's get real. He wouldn't even give me a second look if I was out on the street. The only reason he's even talking to me is because he doesn't have a choice. I'm not pretty, I'm not sexy and I can't set myself up to think that I ever have a chance with someone like him. And not to mention, once we get to California, I'll never see him again. I'm going to Massachusetts and he's staying in California and that'll be the end of everything. I'm so in over my head. I'm jumping from feeling to feeling, from conclusion to conclusion and my mind is just reeling. I can't keep my head focused and wrapped around one single thing for any longer than two seconds.

I still haven't even wrapped my mind around the fact that he's the author of my favorite book. He writes beautiful, brilliant love stories. Love stories so beautiful that I can't even imagine how he…a man that could be so callous and heartless…could sit down and write. He of all people wrote the most beautiful book I've ever encountered. The emotions in The Hour are so raw, and real and they just suck you in. And _he _wrote that. It's clear to me now that he's Michael Evans. I know for a solid fact that he is the man that wrote the book that I've fallen in love with. But it just doesn't feel real to me. And I don't think it will feel real until I hear him say it himself. Right now, I know deep down within my heart that he's Michael Evans. But I can't prove it and I can't say without a shadow of doubt in my mind that he totally is him. Because what if he isn't? I just need him to confirm my suspicions. If he can write something as beautiful as The Hour though, maybe he's not so bad. Maybe he's secretly a hopeless romantic or something like that.

It's not until I insentiently reach forward to shut off the shower water that I realize I just took a shower without even thinking about it. I washed my entire body, I washed my face, I even shaved my legs without ever breaking my thoughts. My mind's been too invested in kisses, crushes, mixed up feelings and beautiful novels to even realize that I was going through the motions of taking a shower. I guess it works though, because I'm clean and I shaved just like I wanted to. On a different note, I don't know why my leg hair grows back faster than my armpit hair and my crotch hair. I haven't shaved my pits or my crotch in two weeks and they still don't even need it. But the hair on my head and the hair on my legs grows back at the speed of light, I swear. Honestly though, the good part about not having a sex life is the fact that I don't really have to groom myself that often. When I do groom myself, I do it because _I'm _tired of being hairy. I have this weird thing with body hair, it's actually kind of sick. I just don't like to be hairy. I hate, hate, hate, hate for any part of my body aside from my head, to be hairy. I shave my arm hair, my leg hair, my crotch hair, my armpit hair, even my back hair if I can reach it.

I never did know my birth parents but I think they come from Italian roots or something because I'm just one big ball of fur, really. I'm naturally hairy and it sickens me. But since I don't have a sex life and I'm not currently living to impress anybody, I can go long-ish without shaving things if I want to. I don't even know when my obsession with body hair started, all I know is that I started shaving my legs after I started my period. I shaved them by myself once and cut myself real bad so my mom shaved them for me until I was 13 and could handle a razor better. I really don't even know what possessed her to trust her eleven and a half year old daughter to use a razor in the first place, but whatever. I know most girls you talk to will tell you that they hate their period, but I swear to goodness, I really do hate mine. At eleven and a half, I was one of the first girls in my class to actually get it. So when I had to come to school carrying a purse full of my pads, everybody knew what the purse was for. Honestly, it was just another reason for people to pick on me. Personally, I think eleven and a half is way too young to start that kind of womanly stuff but whatever. I just remember how mortified I was when I first got it.

"…_Mommy?" I walk into the kitchen but stand close to the doorway. She's standing at the counter cutting up carrots to eat with the pot roast for dinner tonight. She stops cutting the carrots and looks at me. "Do we have bandaids? Or something?" I need a Band-Aid for something but I'm not exactly sure for what. I haven't been feeling good all day and I felt really bad in school today. My stomach was hurting and I felt kind of sick to my stomach. I laid down when I got home before I started my homework. But I just went to go pee upstairs and I had some blood. I don't know where I'm bleeding but I didn't really look to see where I got a cut at or anything. I just need a Band-Aid. My underwear feel weird because they're all sticky and gross so I'm trying to stand with my legs apart. I still don't feel good though. _

"_Are you bleeding, honey? Lemme have a look." She puts down the knife and rushes over to me. Mommy gets really weird about my aches and pains. She's just overly cautious about everything. She just never wants me to be in any pain, she never wants me to suffer through anything. So anytime I have an ailment and I tell her about it, she's all neurotic and she has to make sure it's not serious. "Where are you hurt? Lemme see it." _

"…_You can't." I look around the kitchen. She's looking at me like she's really worried but she's still expecting me to tell her where I'm hurt. "Not in the kitchen…" Not in the kitchen, because daddy's home and it's kind of a girl thing. It's personal. "I'm just bleeding…just give me a Band-Aid." Now I know she's not just going to give me a Band-Aid and shut up about it like I would like for her to, but it's worth a shot. Mom can never just give me Band-Aids or medicine and shut up about it. She always has to assess the damage. Always. _

"_Where are you bleeding, Jo?" She puts her hands on my shoulders. I can't tell her. That's weird. I mean, she's saw me naked before. I've been with them since I was eight years old. She used to wash me up in the bathtub to make sure I would get behind my ears (because when I bathed myself, I would always miss something crucial. Give me a break though. I wasn't used to showering every day), so yeah she's saw me naked. But this is a totally different issue. It's weird to tell her. "Did this happen in the bathroom, Jo?" She asks. I nod my head and look at the floor. "…Okay, honey. It's okay." She gives me a hug and rubs my back. "Come on…come on." She starts walking me to the downstairs bathroom. "Bill, I need you to run down to the pharmacy. I need you to pick me up…" She leaves me alone and walks over to dad. They start whispering amongst each other._

_I'm not a stupid kid. I know what's happening to me. I just thought that maybe I'm too young for this to happen right now. Ii thought because I'm too young, I just had a cut or something down there. I didn't think it was what it actually is but I guess it is. I know about girls and what happens when girls' bodies are ready to have babies. I'm not too young for this? I don't want to be ready to have a baby though. I still think I'm too young for this. I don't want her to buy me those things you put in your underwear. Can I have a puppy instead?_

Really, all I remember about getting my period is wanting a puppy instead of pads. Mom tried to send dad down to the pharmacy to pick up a pack of pads but he freaked out and ended up staying home and watching dinner while mom went. She came back with a pack of maxi-pads and a carton of chocolate ice cream. It wasn't a puppy, but I took the ice cream anyway. The first time I got my period was the last time I ever remember it being like a period. I don't get my period every month and it's never real heavy and it only lasts a few days at a time. It was never that bad again, after the first time I got it. Anyway, I reach back and pull the ponytail holder holding my hair back out. I slide the ponytail holder on my wrist and shake my head to let my hair tumble down from the bun I put it up in to take my shower. I didn't feel like washing my hair tonight and if it gets wet, it automatically waves up and gets knotty and I'd just rather not deal with it. So I tied it up to prevent it from getting wet. I grab a pair of black lace underwear out of my bag and put them on. I pull a black and orange Princeton Tigers t-shirt over my head and put on the same pair of shorts I wore to bed last night.

Okay, so my shower really helped. I feel so much better after that. My mind is clear, my thoughts aren't foggy and I'm not so confused. I'm hungry though, and Alex said to go to his room when I'm ready to order dinner. I've just decided that I'm not going to talk about the fact that he almost kissed me. If he tries to talk about it, I'll blow it off like it's nothing and we just won't talk about it. We'll go back to being friends. I'm not sure if I should apologize for basically blowing him off. I mean, I don't think he's mad at me for it. But what if he is? What if he's mad? He's the only person I've got right now and he's my only way to Massachusetts. Should I just apologize? _No. Don't talk about it unless he brings it up. Just don't say anything about it. _I turn off all the lights in my room, grab my cell phone and open up my door. I shut the door behind myself and walk the two feet next to my door to his room. I stand outside his door and knock twice. The almost kiss happened like 45 minutes ago. I'm over it and he probably is too.

So we're going to be at his mother's house tomorrow. I don't really think I have any business being around his family though. I mean, me and Alex are friends, sure. But we're not to the point where I should be spending time around his family or anything like that and I feel like it's going to be mighty awkward tomorrow if I do end up spending time around his family. I wonder if he'll mind dropping me off at the Laundromat while he's visiting with his mother. I have some dirty clothes that I need to wash and I could do a few hours of laundry while he's visiting with his family. Hell, I'll even wash his clothes if he needs me to. I just really don't feel like spending awkward time with people I don't know. Plus, I don't feel like explaining to them that no, I'm not the girl that Alex brought home to meet his mother. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm just a friend…a friend whose house got burned down. No screw that, I'm a charity case. A charity case that he's toting along across the country. I'm not the girl that comes home to meet mom. Just as I fold my arms across my chest, his door opens. "You're not room service…" Is the first thing he says when the door is opened. He's soaking wet, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. His chest is all wet, his hair is dripping and he's so… God, I can't help it.

I don't know what's come over me, but I take a step towards him and my hands instantaneously go for his head. I raise myself up on my tiptoes so I can reach his mouth. My head tilts to the side, my eyes close and rather quickly, my face closes in towards his. My lips meet with his and his lips are so soft. Much to my surprise, he accepts the kiss by parting his lips and shoving his tongue deep into my mouth. He puts his hands around my waist and pulls me into his room, never breaking the kiss while we move. Our tongues dance around each other in circles as he turns me so I'm completely in his room and he's on the outer side. He takes one of his hands away from my waist to shut the door and it slams behind the two of us. Still kissing me with burning hot intensity, he backs me over to his bed. My hands are sliding through his wet hair. _What the hell are you doing, Jo? What are you doing? _Swiftly, he moves his hands from around my waist down to the backs of my legs. To help him out with what I know he's trying to do, I lightly jump up and he blissfully grabs my legs and puts them around his waist. So he doesn't drop me, I hook them around his waist and lock them. I want him to take that towel off so badly.

With our lips still smashed against each other and with his hands supporting my weight up underneath my butt, he slowly walks me to his bed. I don't know what just happened. I saw him and I couldn't help it. Why would he answer the door in that goddamn towel? I have my arms around his neck so he leans down to the bed to make the drop shorter for me. He lies my back against the bed and lies on top of me. As my tongue is darting in and out of his mouth, he's lightly scraping his teeth across my tongue every time it comes out of his mouth. He's driving me so crazy with that. He stops kissing me so intensely and softens it up a bit. I can't help myself. I slide my hands down to his waist where his towel is. But I just leave them still. I don't pull on the towel, I don't try to take it off. He's rock hard, I can feel it against my inner thigh. Likewise, my underwear are sticking between my legs because I'm starting to get wet. It's a good thing his body is already wet, otherwise he'd be able to feel that I am. He moves his mouth down just a little and starts to suck on my bottom lip. I buck my hips into his pelvis...I want him so bad right now.

Matching my movements, he pushes his pelvis down into mine and rocks slowly at first then faster until it's finally a soft but clear, steady, movement that mimics a hump. He moves his mouth completely from mine and starts kissing his way down to my neck. _He can't kiss me there. If he kisses my neck, there's no coming back from that. _Almost desperately, I make him move his mouth back to my lips. If he kisses my neck, this is going to escalate into more than just a heavy makeout session because my neck really, really gets me going. He's already grinding his body against me, making me wetter and wetter…if he starts kissing my neck, I don't know if I can take that. He starts kissing me again but it's not as intense as it was a second ago. In fact, he slows it way, way down. He draws his face back away from mine gradually. I open my eyes up and find that he's looking down at me. My hands are still on the back of his neck and his hands are around my hips. His eyes are so beautiful. They're brown, of course. But not that boring, crappy brown. I find them utterly hypnotizing. He's looking down at me like no man has ever looked at me before. I move my hand from the back of his neck to his cheek. He leans his face back down to mine and kisses my lips softly, without any tongue this time. Then, he kisses my cheek. I watch his teeth clench around his bottom lip like he's frustrated with something, but he steadies himself and gets off of me.

I immediately sit up on the bed and fix myself up, trying to forget about what just happened. _What the hell did you just do, Jo..._

* * *

**A/N:** Okay so this is kind of short, but I really wanted to leave it on a note that makes you guys think. Plus, it's getting late and I'm tired &amp; I have school tomorrow. Oh and I'm just wondering if any of you guys happened to pick up on that thing about Alex's childhood that I was talking about? I skimmed over it a couple chapters ago in a flashback. If you didnt catch on, you'll know what i'm talking about next chapter when he visits his mom.

Also, Jo's flashback this chapter will kind of be important in later chapters, so just make sure you got the idea of it

p.s. if you guys that are guest reviewers ever have questions for me that you can't PM, leave them in my tumblr ask. I'll answer your questions there and it's just more convenient for me to answer them on tumblr than to address them at the ends of chapters.


	15. Just Playing

Her hands feel shaky as they glide themselves through my hair. They're moving and sliding along through my hair easily because my hair is wet and I can't help but think it if were dry, she'd probably be pulling on it. I don't know very much about her yet but for what it's worth, she seems like a hair puller. As soon as our lips met, she reached up and grabbed at my hair. Hair pullers do that. I'm just going based off experience so I don't know for sure if she really is a hair puller, so I'd like to find out for sure…if she'd let me. Her lips are soft and smooth, easily allowing me to glide across them with my own lips. Her breath tastes sweet. I want to say it's sweet like she just brushed her teeth but I don't think that's the case. I think she just has sweet breath, just because it doesn't taste like a minty sweet like it would if she had brushed her teeth. I wrap my hands around her waist and pull her inside my room. We don't need to be out in the hallway for what I plan on doing to her. We need all the privacy we can get. She follows my steps deeper into my room, never breaking the kiss as we walk. I slam my door shut behind us and my hands roam all over her hips. Her waist is so slender that my hands just fit perfectly around it. It's like her waist was made for my hands to be around it.

She took me by surprise when she just started kissing me like that, she did. I ordered room service a while ago and I thought for sure that she was room service, bringing my food. She seemed pretty upset when I tried to kiss her a while back when she slammed the door in my face. I honestly wasn't expecting to see her again tonight because she seemed like she was just too upset to even come back out the room. I was knocking for ten minutes straight before I decided to give up and go back to my room. I was knocking and she never answered and never even said anything so I just assumed that she was mad at me. I even started thinking about ways to apologize to her for trying to kiss her like that. I was going to get dressed and wait for my room service to get here before I tried knocking on her door again to apologize to her. But she knocked on my door first and it didn't even seem like she came over here for a reason. It seemed like her only purpose was to come over here and finish what I started.

I slide my hands from her waist, down past her perfect ass and put them on the backs of her legs. My fingertips trace over the skin on the back of her legs and I feel like electricity is running through my hands. I don't feel like I could stop touching her if I tried. I feel like my hands are just drawn to her skin and even if I wanted to buck what I'm feeling and go against the system, I couldn't stop touching her. Her skin is so soft. It feels like my fingers are running across smooth velvet. I cup my hands around the backs of her legs and she catches my drift. She jumps up lightly but enough for me to hold her up by her legs. She hooks her legs around my waist and doesn't stop kissing me. I walk her over to my bed and lie her down. I lie down on top of her but support my own weight because she's just too small for me to feel comfortable putting my weight on her. She's tiny. Her tongue slips in and out of my mouth in rhythms but to keep up the pace, I gently scrape my teeth along her tongue as she keeps pulling it out. I slow down the kisses though. She wants this to be intense, hardcore making out but it doesn't have to be. I take control and I slow it down.

Kissing her is everything I thought it would be, maybe better. When I first initiated the kiss back when she freaked out and left me out in the hallway, I was just thinking about what it'd be like to kiss her. I was thinking about how soft her lips would be…how her mouth would taste. Kissing her is just what I thought it would be. Soft lips, sweet-tasting breath…pure amazing. I feel her hands move down and situate themselves at my waist, right around the rim of my towel. I feel like this is going to happen. I wanted it to happen, I thought about it happening…it's going to happen now. I move my lips down against hers and take her bottom lip between my two lips. Her lips are so suckable. They're already big and full. They're perfect to suck on. And to further convince me that this is about to happen, she bucks her hips up and smashes her pelvis into mine. I've never been real good with foreplay. I usually just like to go straight to it instead of wasting valuable time kissing, caressing and rubbing. But for some reason, foreplay feels natural with her.

I lower myself down just a little bit more so that my pelvis is against hers. I move my hips so she'll open her legs wider and she does. She keeps her legs open and I grind against her. I'll just give her a little preview of what's coming. I move my lips down to her neck while I move against her in a gentle but hard rocking motion. Her breathing hiccups and she lets out a gasp as I start to kiss her on her neck. She smells very good…like soft soap and shampoo. God, I can't hold back anymore. I want her so bad and she's already lying underneath of me. I feel like so much is just bottled up. So much pressure is building up and building up and I _need _to be inside her and I just can't take this anymore. I press my lips neatly against her throat but she takes my head and desperately pulls my face back to hers. _I don't think she wants to, actually. _Does she not want to?

I pull away from her and find that her eyes are open. Her eyes are so pretty. They're the lightest, brightest shade of brown I've ever seen in my life. This girl is beautiful, actually. I thinks she's beautiful. She's looking at me like she wants to say something along the lines of apologizing. She doesn't want to have sex with me. She pushed me away, she made me kiss her lips instead of her neck. She doesn't want to have sex with me and I guess that's okay. I lower my face down to her and kiss her on her lips, just because she's really pretty. I want to have sex with her but if she doesn't want me, that's fine. She's still gorgeous. I lean down and kiss her on her cheek. She's so beautiful. As I'm looking down at her, I find that my mind is starting to wonder. I wonder how she's feeling. I wonder if she's okay with what just happened. I hope I didn't make her uncomfortable and I hope she doesn't disappear into her room again. Even if I can't have sex with her, I still want to be in her presence. I don't want to not see her—_shut up. _I bite my lip while I'm looking at her. I wish I could shut my brain off. _You know what happened last time you felt this way. Don't do this to yourself again. _I steady myself and get off of her. She sits up straight and starts fixing her hair.

She looks like she wants to cry. Me? I just want to break something. I want to throw something against a wall and punch something and break something. I swore to myself that I'd never get this way about a girl again and here I am, feeling stupid about a girl. She's a girl, that's all. A stupid, living, breathing, PMSing, nagging, plain girl. She's just a GIRL. I told myself I wasn't going to let this happen again. I shoot her a look. She looks like she's ashamed of what she just did and you know what? She should be. She just came in here and forced herself on me like that. She didn't give me a chance to get her away. She didn't even give me a warning. She just came in, threw herself on me and that's it. She should be ashamed of herself. I bite my lip because I have half a mind to say something to her about the little stunt she just pulled. I bend down and snatch up my bag of clothes. I walk over to the bathroom and slam the door behind myself.

She just walked in here and threw herself on me. She let me open the door and she just threw herself all over me. How could she just do that? Does she do that to every boy that shows her interest? Wow, don't tell me she's a whore. That seemed whore-ish what she just did. She had no right to just waltz right in here and do that. I sigh and sit down on the toilet seat with my towel still wrapped around my waist. I hold my head in my hands and grit my teeth together out of sheer frustration. _I should've just left her back in Iowa. I should've left her back in Iowa homeless. Better yet, I should've just let her walk away when we were back in Nebraska. I knew this trip would've been better without her. _I reach beside me and pick up the plastic bottle of travel shampoo and throw it as hard as I can against the wall. Usually, breaking things helps me with my frustration but tonight, it's not. The last time a girl made me feel this way…

Her lips were so perfect. Her kisses were evenly timed and just the right amount of passionate. And she pulled my hair, held me against her body, let me suck on her lips. And I cared if I hurt her. I cared if I was putting too much weight on her, I cared if I was making her uncomfortable and I cared if she stormed off. This was never in the plan for this trip. It was never part of the plan to start caring about the girl. _And if you've only been with her for three days, can you imagine what you're going to be like after one week? Two weeks? You're losing it here, Alex. You're losing it. What's wrong with you? _No more kissing her. No more kissing her, no more fantasizing about her, no more. I can't do this to myself. I just can't see myself doing this. The last time I felt this way it ended shitty. The last time I started doing this, I fell so hard and it all crashed and burned. I never want to feel that way again. I told myself I'd never LET myself feel that way again. Then here this girl is…she just throws herself on me. And I think I liked it. I didn't want to like it but I did. I liked it and I hate myself for liking it but I liked it and I'm never letting this happen again.

I open up my bag and pull out my boxers. I stand up from my spot on the toilet seat and drop my towel. Man, I really thought that was going to happen. I was hard and I was so ready to just do it and I really thought she was going to let me fuck her. It's strange though because normally if a girl's not putting up, I wouldn't even give her the time of day. If it was any other girl, I would've told her to get out and get out of my face but I didn't even think to do that with her. She forced my lips back to hers to indicate that she didn't want me to go any further and I understood. I understood that she didn't want to do anything with me and I didn't fight her on it. In fact, I felt the need to kiss her. I kissed her lips, I kissed her cheek…I wanted to kiss all over her body because I felt like she deserved that. I want to kiss all over her body, still. But weirder than anything else, when she made me stop trying to kiss her neck, I immediately went soft. She didn't want to do anything with me and all of a sudden, I didn't have a boner anymore. _THAT'S _never happened before either.

I pull a t-shirt over my head and pull on a pair of pajama pants as well. I zip my bag back up, hang my towel up on the rack and go over to the door. If she tries to bring up what just happened, I'm not talking about it. If she tries to kiss me again, I'm pushing her away. If she tries to even talk about it, she's dismissed. That's what it's going to be. I'm not talking about what just happened, I refuse. I pull open the bathroom door and walk back into my hotel room. But she's not there. She's not sitting on the bed like I left her. She's not even in my room. She left? On my dresser is the bag of French fries I ordered from room service to hold me over until she pulled herself together long enough to eat dinner with me, which lets me know that she was here to accept my room service order. But she's gone now. I also ordered a chocolate milkshake that isn't there. Room service must've forgot my damn milkshake.

The bed sheets are messed up and ruffled where I put her on her back. They're all messed up because we were dry humping. I wonder when she got up and left. Sighing, I pick up my cell phone and turn off the lights in my room. She probably went back to her own room and if she did, I don't think I want to go get her. I'm tired of chasing after her. I'm sick of chasing after her, I'm sick of making sure she's okay. I shut my door behind me and instead of making the left to head off in the direction of the cafeteria, I make a right to make the two second trip to her room. I didn't even realize that I was going to her room. I just convinced myself that I wasn't going to chase after her again. I told myself I was going to the cafeteria and I'd see her when I saw her but my legs had other plans. I knock on her door. "Hey Jo…"

As if she was waiting for me to knock on her door, she immediately answers. There's no hesitation in the opening and almost immediately after I knock, it opens. "You ready to go eat?" She has a large glass in her hand. The inside of the glass is brown and the top is white with a cherry on top. _She's drinking my milkshake. _She wraps her lips around the straw and sucks it up. I don't want to, but I crack a smile anyway. She left the French fries and took the milkshake… she's drinking MY milkshake. "This is really good, you want a sip?" She takes the straw out of her mouth and offers me some. Her eyes light up in a playful manner and she smirks. I can't stop staring at her. She's just gorgeous. I look her up and down. Everything about her is gorgeous. Her body…how thin she is, how she has perfect curves. Her hair is long and shiny and so pretty. Her face is just breathtaking. And that smile… _Stop it Alex, damn. _"What?" She flashes her perfect white teeth at me and puts the straw back in her mouth.

"Funny…" I wipe the smile off my face but I'm left with a smirk. "I could've sworn I ordered a chocolate milkshake from room service. With extra whipped cream and a cherry on top… I swear I ordered one." I step aside and let her out of the room. She licks her lips and keeps smiling at me. "Actually, I think the picture on the menu looked exactly like the one you're drinking…"

"Oh really? That's weird." We both start walking up the hallway on the way to the cafeteria. I won't lie, I do feel like there's something between us. I feel like there's a force of attraction, much stronger than gravity that's making me want to touch her. "You can totally have a sip…I don't have cooties or hepatitis or herpes. I promise I'm clean." She offers me the milkshake again. Just for the sake of her not feeling like I don't trust her, I grab ahold of the cup and bring it up to my lips. I suck some milkshake up through the straw and sip it. "Sucks for you…that you didn't get your milkshake, I mean." She winks.

"Yeah, I know…." I haven't been playful with a girl in a very long time. But I think playing with her helps me resist the attraction between us. She's walking with her head straight, not even looking at me. I scoop up some whipped cream on my index finger. Secretively, I hold my whipped cream infested finger by her face. She doesn't even notice, which is good. "…Jo." I call her name and she turns her head fast to look at me and turns right into the whipped cream trap. She has whipped cream all over her cheek which in turn, makes me laugh.

She gasps when she realizes that I just smeared whipped cream all over her face. "OH YOU WAIT! JUST WAIT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" She starts wiping off her face. "Ooooh my god! If I get a pimple because of this!' She's still wiping and I can't stop laughing. "Get it off! Alex…get it off…" She stands in front of me so I can't walk up the hallway to the cafeteria. "Get it off!"

"Sit still…" I hold my hand out and start wiping her cheek off. She's still pretty, even with whipped cream all over her face. She stands still and lets me wipe her face off. It's crazy how I'm touching her. It's hard to believe that she's real. She's so perfect. Even more perfect than Lucy ever could've dreamed of being. Jo's the polar opposite of Lucy though. Brunette hair, brown eyes. Giddy and really sweet. Smiley and bubbly. "…What'd you do with the cherry?" She wrinkles her brow while I clean whipped cream off her cheek. "The cherry in the milkshake." I elaborate.

"I ate it." She smiles. "Why? …Did you want it?" Her smile is killing me. Damn, I'm falling for this girl. I'm falling. for. this. girl. Damn, damn, damn, damn. Damn. I can't help it though. Her smile is addictive. "Did you wanna pop my cherry?" She looks in my eyes with that playful little look. _Is she really making sex jokes? God, she's perfect. Her mind is just as dirty as mine._

"Technically it's my cherry…'cause it's my milkshake." I'm done cleaning her face off so even though I don't want to, I take my hand away. "Guess I wouldn't mind…popping your cherry though."

She pokes her lip out like she's sad but her eyes don't look sad. "…Too late for that." She shrugs and starts walking again. So she's not a virgin? I think she mentioned in the car that she's not one but that was back when I hardly listened and I didn't care about anything she had to say. That was back before I became so fascinated with her. She's not a virgin. I bite my lip. Not because I'm frustrated thinking about having sex with her but because I don't think I like thinking about somebody "popping her cherry." I don't want to think about anybody having sex with her. In my perfect world inside my head, she's not a virgin. She just never had sex before. That's my own perfect little world though. "Oh, um…" She starts talking again and immediately, her voice rips me from my thoughts. "While you're visiting your mother tomorrow, would you mind dropping me off at a laundromat? I have some clothes I need to wash. I'll wash your clothes too, if you want me to…" We both walk into the cafeteria at the same time. "I just…don't think it's the best situation for me to sit around with strangers."

"You don't want to meet my mom?" I'm not going to lie, I feel a little bit upset about that. I'm sort of excited to go visit my mom for a little while tomorrow but at the same time, I just want it done and over with. See, me and my mom come with a lot of history. Some of it isn't real good history. I feel like my mom and I would be less inclined to fight with each other or rehash old issues if Jo was there. My mom wouldn't act out in front of guests. Plus, I kind of like the idea of Jo meeting my family. We're not serious, so don't think it's that. Matter of fact, we're not even anything more than friends. So it's not like I want her to meet my family because I'm thinking about making it serious with her, because I'm not. I want her to meet my family because she doesn't have one anymore. She grew up an only child and I have a sister. She doesn't have a mom and dad anymore and I have a mom. I was kind of looking forward to taking her with me.

"It's not that. I just…" She has a chunk of her hair in her hand and she's playing with it. "I don't do very well with families and parents. Mothers don't like me and I'm not really the girl that you take home to meet your mother. I just really don't want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation. So I'd rather just wash clothes." She follows close behind me as I find us a place to sit. Even though this hotel isn't as nice as the one we stayed in last night, it's sort of nicer because the cafeteria is like a restaurant. We can sit down wherever we want and somebody will serve us. I sit down in a booth and she sits across from me. "Cut me some slack. I said I'd wash your clothes too. Just until you're done visiting with her. I'll stay at whatever hotel you want to stay in."

"I actually planned on staying with her for a night. Just to save on money. I mean, why waste money on a hotel when we can stay at my mom's?" I pick up the menu sitting on the table in front of me.

Her face falls. She's really not comfortable with the idea. "Okay." She just shrugs and takes it like a trooper. "But um…let's get something clear. What am I supposed to tell your family?" She picks up her own menu. "Do I just tell them that I'm a friend? Do you want me to tell them about the fact that the store burned down and so did my house? Or if I just say that I'm a friend, is that good enough?"

"Friend's good enough." I already know what I want, so I put my menu down. She's still looking. How is it that everything she does is magic? She can flip the page of a menu and make it look pretty. _Stop it, dude. You're just gonna hurt. Stop it. _"What's in Massachusetts again?"

"Harvard Medical." She's looking down, reading the menu. "I'm thinking that I'm not even gonna go though." She puts her tongue in her cheek but still doesn't look up at me. "I scored really high on the exam to get in the program…like, freakishly high. And they accepted me. They bypassed the waiting list for me because I scored so high. But I have limited time to come up with almost $5,000 to put down to secure my spot in the program or they're going to give my spot away. I don't have five grand to just give away, so I'm probably just not going to go." She sounds sad about it. Five grand is a drop in the bucket. Five grand is nothing. I'll pay it for her. But I kind of don't want her to go. If I pay for her to go, I'll never see her again because she'll live in Massachusetts and I'll live in California. I don't want her to go.  
"I can go to med school anywhere."

"But Harvard's your first choice…"

"Exactly."

"You have a biology degree, right?" I look around to see where our waitress is. I don't see her anywhere. Funny to think that she was a waitress before. At HOOTERS, too. I'd like to see her in the Hooters outfit. I bet her boobs looked nice. I bet her ass looked nicer. She probably got hit on by so many guys because she's drop dead beautiful. If she waited on me, I'd have to get her number. _You're not going to be satisfied until the bitch breaks your heart just like Lucy did. Stop being so vulnerable. _

"Biochemistry." She clears it up. "It's chemistry and biology wrapped into one. I liked chemistry so much back in high school and I did really well in biology, so I majored in biochem. It's like…all the chemistry that goes into biology. How fatty acids break down, how carbohydrates affect the body, when carbons are sp3 hybridized and the benzene ring…all the information in deoxyribonucleic acid and how all the riboflavin affects the organic and the inorganic processes in the body…" She's a little nerd. It's so cute how excited she just got. "Sorry, I'm ranting. I really like science."

"I can see that…" I shake my head at her. She's so smart. "What's your IQ? Are you like…a member of MENSA or something?"

"Borderline." She winks at me. "No, I'm kidding. I'm not MENSA material, but I was in the top 2% of IQs in Princeton, so I guess technically, if I took the MENSA test, I could've gotten in. Because almost all the people that were ahead of me in rank were members of MENSA." She really just livened up talking about school. "My IQ's 166."

"Okay Einsteinette." I tease her. Her cheeks flush bright red while she smiles. She's so smart. She really does deserve to go to Harvard Medical if she wants to. I could pay for her to go. Hell, I could pay for her to go and she could be really comfortable. I could make sure she doesn't have to worry about anything but school. _Pop tried to do that with mom and you know it backfired. Don't you dare. _"What was your favorite subject in school though?"

"Stats." She says that without hesitation. "I like science a lot because it challenged me and math was always so, so easy. But I really liked stats. Stats was fun." She licks her lips. "So… I'm guessing your favorite subject in school was English?"

"Yeah…that and geography." I nod. "How do you figure?"

"Because you're a writer?"

"Oh." I forgot that quickly that I was a writer. Writing just isn't very important to me anymore. So unimportant that I actually forgot it was my profession. Talking to Jo really makes my world just stop. It's like nothing else matters when I'm with her. I really have to stop hanging out with her so much. I'm falling for her, dammit. I don't wanna fall for her. _So send her to Massachusetts and pay her deposit to go to med school. You'll never see her again for sure if you do that. _Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll send her to Massachusetts and I'll never see her again. I'll cut off all connections.

"Hey Alex…" Her voice perks up. I raise my eyebrows at her. "Um… I have something to ask. And we're friends now…so you can tell me."

"Shoot."

"Are you…" She seems nervous. "Are you Michael Evans? Silly, I know… but I was really just wondering. Like… I want to hear it from you instead of assuming…"

"What do you think?" I mumble. I'm irritated all of a sudden. "That's not really any of your business Jo. Even if I was…"

"Right." She looks down. "But if you are… you could tell me. I wouldn't tell anybody. I wouldn't think of you as different. I'd still think that you're Alex. I'd probably… I'd realize that you're brilliant." _Huh? _I actually start listening to her. I don't look up, but I listen to her. "You're brilliant, and sweet. And kind…and loving. And you're an amazing writer. You have a real gift. And you're amazing…." Her voice trails off. "If you're Michael Evans, I mean." _Nobody's ever said those things to me before. I mean, they've said it to me as Michael Evans. Nobody's ever told Alex that he's brilliant or amazing. _

"Just shut up, Jo." I mumble at her.


	16. Expect

**A/N:** Sorry for the long wait for an update.

Before you read this chapter, just keep in mind what I mentioned earlier about Jo never having been in love before. Oh, and I dropped a bigger hint about the reason Alex's mom left in this chapter. See if you pick up on it before I go into detail about it next chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

"It's late…and we're going to be up early tomorrow morning, so…" I push the home button of my cell phone to check the time. It's 9:32 at night, which really isn't that late, but we do have to be up at a decent hour so I guess he's just in saying that it's late. By the way, I'm not really looking forward to meeting his mom tomorrow. I'm going to have to explain to people that I'm not his girlfriend, I'm just his charity case. They're going to know that I'm not the girl he's bringing home to meet his mom because I'm the girl he's going to marry. I bet I'm going to have to explain that at least four thousand times tomorrow. And I mean honestly, I'm not good with meeting new people. People don't generally like me right off the bat and people don't really give me a chance. I'd rather not meet his mother. I'd rather do laundry like I originally planned. He reaches underneath the table and pulls his wallet from the spot between his legs, where he placed it. He unzips the part where he keeps his money and looks through it to leave our waitress a tip. He slips a ten dollar bill on the table in the midst of our dirty dishes and stands up. Between the two of us, we ordered fifty dollars' worth of food. I had a turkey sandwich with bacon and Swiss cheese, with a side of French fries and chicken noodle soup. He had a platter of spaghetti with garlic bread and a salad. Afterwards, even though I was full, he insisted that I order something for dessert because he was getting dessert. He had a piece of banana cream pie and I had vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

For the most part, dinner was actually kind of nice with him. After I asked him about whether he's Michael Evans or not, he did get a little quiet on me. By him refusing to answer me, I'm just going to assume that he is. I mean, if he wasn't, he wouldn't even hesitate to tell me no. All of a sudden, he clams up and refuses to answer the question when I ask? I'm just going to assume that he is Michael Evans and there's obviously a reason he doesn't want to tell me that he is. I can't imagine why he would want to hide something like that though. He's a brilliant author, genius even. Why would he want to hide the fact that he's amazing at what he does? I guess it's not really my business though. He's been opening up to me a hell of a lot lately and while I still don't trust him completely, I _do _trust that he wouldn't just blow off one of my questions for a dumb reason. I trust that he has a good reason as to why he doesn't want to tell me. I know what it's like to be forced to talk about something you don't want to talk about, so rather than keep beating a dead horse with him, I'll just let it go. He'll tell me when he's ready to tell me, I guess. But aside from that incident, dinner went off without a hitch. It took him all of five minutes to begin talking to me again after I asked him about the Michael Evans thing. The five minutes was up and we were back to talking again.

I climb out from the booth we were sitting in and take one last sip of my raspberry iced tea. I slide the glass back towards the middle of the table, wipe my lips and follow him. He already told the waitress to charge the bill to his credit card so he doesn't have to wait in line to pay our bill. Instead, he just starts walking back towards our rooms, in the same direction we came from. I noticed that he left our waitress a pretty generous tip. She was kind of busy so she didn't check on us much so personally, I don't think she deserved a ten dollar tip. But it was still nice that he did that. I know what it's like to get someone that leaves a generous tip. As a waitress at Hooters, it was kind of my job to flirt with the guy customers just a little bit. I flirted with this old guy once and he left me a hundred dollar tip. He came over to me before he left and personally slipped it in my apron so nobody else would take it. I almost cried when I saw two fifty dollar bills folded up together. Alex wasn't as generous as my old man was but then again, the waitress never flirted with him. Good thing too. Because I think I might've said something to her if she did.

I don't know why, but I actually thought about what I would do if our waitress started flirting with him. She brought our soup and salad out first and when she handed him his salad, she asked, "Do you need anything else, honey?" and I felt my body temperature immediately rise. I don't know why I started getting hot when she called him honey but I did. And I thought about standing up and ripping her face clean off her body. Then I thought about stabbing her in the neck with my fork. But he just said "no thanks" and he didn't even flirt back, and that made me feel better. I cooled down a lot after he told her no thanks. Again, I really can't explain why I started feeling like I could beat the snot out of the waitress when she called him "honey", but I did. I've never felt like that before. I have a pretty explosive temperature at times, so yeah…I've been mad before. I've been violently angry before. But the kind of anger, irritation and pure disgust I felt when she called him "honey" is totally something new. I've never felt like that before and I never want to feel like that again. I got a little bit nauseous afterwards. After the initial anger wore off, I felt sick to my stomach.

The two of us make it back to our rooms. I can tell the hotel is getting ready to wind down for the night because the lights in the hallway are dimmed. When we first got here this afternoon, the lights in the hallway were bright and turned up to the highest luminosity. But now, they're very dim and the hallway is almost dark. Plus, they were starting to clean up the kitchen when Alex paid our bill. As if I'm a child, he walks me to my door like his door isn't just right next door, less than five feet away from mine. I grab ahold of my doorknob and look at him. "What time should I set my alarm to wake me up for?" I ask him. I know he wants me to be up and at 'em early tomorrow morning because he wants to make it to his mom's early. I'm just not sure exactly how early he wants me to be up. He's looking at me like that again. With those mellow eyes and that half-chagrin. Why does he keep looking at me like that? Nobody looks at me like that. "H-how…" I stutter because the look he's giving me is occupying my mind. I can't concentrate on speaking when he's looking at me like that. "How soon are you trying to be on the road?" The only way I'm able to get that out is by not looking at his face. I find a spot on the ground to focus my vision on.

"I want to be at my mom's by noon…so accounting for the traffic, be up by ten. It only takes an hour to get there but traffic and red lights and stuff…just be up by ten." His voice sounds distracted. He sounds like he's not all the way paying attention to what he's saying. So, ten o'clock tomorrow morning. I'd better go to bed now then. It'll take me an hour and a half, maybe two hours to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I twist the doorknob to my room and push the door open. As soon as I start to step one foot through the door, he stands in front of me, like he's trying to block me. I immediately crack a smile. He's been so playful all night. First he smeared whipped cream on my face. Then, while we were eating dinner, he hit me in the face with the paper his straw came in. Now he's trying to keep me from going in my room. I think I like playful Alex…he's better than asshole Alex, that's for damn sure. With a smile spread all across my face, I try to side-step him to get in my room but he lunges in front of me so I can't.

"Stop!" I put my hands against his chest and push him. "You're such a big bully." I'm pushing him lightly, not using my full force because I don't want to hurt him. I know my strength and I don't trust myself to be strong towards him. I don't want to hurt him and I know for a fact that I can. I know what I'm capable of. I try to step past him again to get in my room but he keeps blocking the door. "Alex, quit… I'm trying to go to bed." I look up at his face with honest eyes, hoping to appeal to him and get him to let me in. He's got this goofy smile and sparkling, playful eyes. "Let me in my room."

"I'm not doing anything. You can go in your room, Jo…go 'head." He steps aside and clears the doorway for me. I bite my lip in mock frustration and glare at him with the same liveliness he has. I put my hands against his chest and push him while I step over and into my room. Just like I knew he would, he blocks the doorway once again by stepping in front of me. I grunt in frustration which doesn't do anything but make him laugh. "Alright…I'm done screwin' with you." He completely steps out the way. I really think he's done now but I don't trust him. He's been nothing but a jokester tonight. He motions towards my open door with his head. I narrow my eyes at him and he motions with his head again. I take a test step towards the door and he doesn't even budge like he's going to stop me. When I'm sure he's done for good, I walk all the way inside my room and look at him before I shut my door for the night. "Night, Jo." He says earnestly but still with a hint of playfulness in his voice.

"Goodnight Alex." I keep standing there with my hand on the door, ready to close it whenever I deem it necessary. I want to wait to close it until he starts moving towards his own room. I already closed the door on him once tonight and I don't plan on doing it again. He's still standing in my doorway though. He's not even acting like he _wants _to move. I wish he would though. I just don't feel right shutting the door on him. It's kind of strange though. He's staring at me and I'm staring at him. My stomach starts churning and I'm feeling really sick again. He takes a step towards me and the room starts spinning. All in one movement, he leans in to me, puts his hands on my hips and tilts his head just like he did the first time. Instead of running from him this time when he tries to kiss me, I raise myself up on my tiptoes and naturally wrap my arms around his neck. My eyes instinctively close as our lips close in and eventually, touch. His lips are just as soft as I remember. He forces me to open my lips by roughly rubbing his against mine. I open my mouth and he takes that as an invite and slips his tongue in my mouth. My heart is pounding so fast and so hard that I can hear it beating clearly in my ears. My heart is beating fast and it's ringing in my ears. My stomach is clenching up and tying itself in a bunch of knots. I feel sick. His lips feel so good against mine though and his tongue is so gentle as it explores each and every inch of my mouth. I get this tingly feeling racing through the pits of my stomach, rocking the core of my body and sending me into a dizzy spell.

His hands slide from my hips down to my butt. He cups my butt in the palms of his hands and squeezes it. I'm still feeling like I'm sick, but I take it upon myself to deepen the kiss. I push my face further into his and press my tongue against his tongue hard, just to let him know that I can be in control too. When I do that, his hands reach around from my butt to grab it tighter but his two index fingers end up grazing over my core, just inches away from touching my hole…or even being inside of me. I can't do this anymore. I quickly snatch my lips away from his to break the kiss and push him against his chest, away from my body. His hands part from my body and his eyes snap open. I don't say a single word to him, I just backpedal inside my room and shut the door. I don't hear the door slam behind me, but I don't have time to make sure it's shut all the way. I turn and beeline to the bathroom. My stomach squeezes so tight that my abdominal muscles hurt and it shoots up, at the speed of light. It comes up my throat and makes me cover my mouth so it doesn't spew out.

I flip the toilet seat up and kneel down beside it. I open up my mouth to let it all out. Everything comes up. The chicken noodle soup, the turkey sandwich, the French fries, the raspberry tea. It all just comes out. "Uuugh…." The grunt that comes out of my mouth is so gross but it just slips out as my stomach clenches again and more vomit spills out into the toilet. Lord knows I didn't want to stop kissing him. God knows I would've given anything in this world to keep kissing him and kissing him and kissing him until I got tired. I didn't want to stop that. But if I would've kept kissing him, I would've thrown up in his mouth. _Why does he make me so crazy? Why am I physically sick at the thought of kissing this man? No seriously, what's WRONG with me? What's happening? _I'm done, so I spit into the toilet and crash down onto my butt with my hands on my knees. I groan because my throat burns now. My eyes well up with unshed tears and my head starts to ache. I don't know what's going on with me. I've never felt this way before. _I need help…what's happening?_ With a foul, sour taste in my mouth, I cover my eyes with my hands and take a deep breath. I never cry. Why am I crying?

I felt fine until I started kissing him. Now I'm sick. I'm sick and I really don't feel well. What's happening to me? Why do I feel this way? My emotions are so out of sorts. One second, I'm lusting after him, fantasizing about what he's like in bed. The next minute, I'm dying to kiss him. When I do kiss him, I get physically sick. What is happening to me? I've never, ever, ever felt this strange before. I really just don't know what's going on. I hate feeling this way. I hate not having control of my body. I sniff and start wiping my eyes. I'm just going to go lie down for the night. I can't do this anymore. I sniff again and try to find the strength to pick myself up off the bathroom floor. "…Are you alright?" His voice calls out from behind me, startles me and makes me jump. "Sorry…I didn't meant to scare you. I'm just…checking." I turn my head to look back at him. He's standing in the door of my bathroom looking guilty as ever. He shouldn't look guilty. It's really not his fault, I swear. "I was…I was gonna leave. But I heard you…and I just had to check. Was it something you ate?"

"I'm fine." I mumble. My stomach is still doing backflips just from hearing his voice. "Just go. Get out…" He's going to make me throw up again. Oh god, I feel it rising up in my throat again.

"But Jo—" He takes a step further into the bathroom.

"I SAID GET OUT!" I scream so loud at him that my voice squeaks, from the fact that I'm about to blow chunks all over the place again. I put my hand against my forehead to calm myself down. My forehead is sticky and sweaty. I need to shower again because my entire body is just sweating. This is ridiculous. What's happening to me?! "I'm not feeling well…" I tone my voice back down from the yelling because now I feel sorry for yelling at him. "Please just go, Alex…please. I'll see you tomorrow morning." I really need him to get out of my sight. I can't stomach the sight of him anymore.

"Do you need medicine?" He asks. I shake my head. _I need you to get out of here because you're making me physically sick. _"…Okay. See you tomorrow morning." He turns to leave my bathroom like I asked him to, but my stomach just sinks when he leaves. I really just don't understand what's happening to me right now. It's like…I want him to leave me alone. I want him to get out of my sight because I physically cannot bear to be in his presence anymore. But I also don't like the thought of him not being around me, either. I want him around. I don't want him to leave. I hear the door in the next room shut, which means he's really gone.

This has honestly never, ever happened to me before. Sure I've been sick before. Sure I've thrown up before. But I don't throw up for no reason. Usually when I throw up, it's because I'm sick. Sick with the flu or something like that. I've never actually thrown up like this for no reason. Come to think of it, I never do throw up that much. I think the last time I threw up like this before for no reason was when I was nine. That time, I had thrown up because I was crying so hard but it wasn't like this. It wasn't like I started puking because I had kissed someone I found attractive. I puked because I was crying so hard that I gagged myself. That's never happened before either. I just wish I had an explanation for what's going on because seriously, I don't know. I get this feeling in my stomach every time I think about him, I get nervous when I think about kissing him, I want to puke when he kisses me. This sort of thing hasn't happened to me before. I'm driving myself crazy. This is nothing like the time I was nine, either.

"_That little girl has way bigger issues than we can help her with, Karen. And you know I'm right. She's way, way, way too messed up for us to handle." Daddy and mommy sent me away out of the room so they could "talk." I know I'm not supposed to, but I have my ear pressed to the door of their room. I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't. I just got mad. I didn't mean to get mad. I won't get mad ever ever again, I promise. "She put a HOLE through a window…a plate glass window, Karen! All because doll wouldn't stop fake crying?! What if next time we try to discipline her, she grabs a knife? A beer bottle?"_

"_That's dramatic, Bill. You're making her sound like she's the Armageddon, she's just a child. She's a baby! She needs us!" I won't do nothing bad to mommy and daddy. I wouldn't never do anything bad to them. I wouldn't get mad at them. I didn't mean to get mad. The doll though…the doll wouldn't shut up! I'm supposed to feed my Amazing Amy doll every five hours. If I miss a feeding, she starts crying. She wouldn't shut up! I tried to feed her something so she'd shut up but the stupid doll wouldn't stop crying! So I threw the doll at the wall but she was still crying! So I hit the window and it broke. I hit the window… I'm sorry. "She's messed up, yes! But you really think abandoning her, giving her away, letting somebody else ABUSE her, is the right decision?! How is giving her away right?!" NO! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO! I'M SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! "_

"_I never said to give her away! I love her just as much as you do. I love her too, why would I to give her up?! She needs help though… professional help. Help that us, spoiling her with lavish gifts, can't give! We should help her! It's not normal for a nine year old to be able to put her fist through glass without any—" I push open the door and daddy stops talking. My tears are falling down off my cheeks. Daddy wants to get rid of me…I really like it here though. I thought I was going to be here forever. "Jo!" He says my name as soon as he sees me standing in the doorway. "Honey, go to your room. Go on…I'll be in to tuck you in, in a little while. Go to your room." _

"_We're still talking honey." Mommy kneels down in front of me and puts her hands on my cheeks. "We'll be done in a minute." _

"_Do I have to go?" I ask them straight out. I don't like to be lied to. I want them to just tell me if they're kicking me out again. "I'm sorry…"_

"_No…no, sweetie. We're not…" Mommy rubs my cheeks and daddy puts his arms around me. "We're just talking about how to make sure you don't get mad anymore, that's all."_

"_Okay." I nod my head and wipe my tears. Maybe these people are my forever family. I think I did a lot for them to kick me out already and they still haven't. Maybe they're never going to…_

Once my stomach is a little less jumpy, I pick myself up off the bathroom floor and flush the toilet. It's now pretty concrete that I'm not sick because I feel absolutely fine now. My stomach feels like it never was upset, my body isn't sweating anymore and head isn't spinning. I'm kind of disappointed that I'm actually not sick though. I sort of wish I was sick because then, at least I'd have an explanation as to why I just freaked out over kissing Alex again. My entire emotions are just confusing because I swear I want to kiss him. But then when I actually do kiss him, I feel strange. I can't do this anymore, I really can't. I think I might just tell him to leave me here tomorrow. I can't go meet his family with him when I can't even be around him without feeling all crazy. I mean, being around him isn't exactly the problem. I'm fine while we're just talking to each other and having fun. But I get all messed up when we kiss and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to keep acting like nothing's going on between us.

I kissed him not once, but twice. How much longer am I going to be able to act normal before I just explode? I'm stuck with him. I'm stuck riding in a car with him, I'm stuck staying in plenty more hotels with him. I'm STUCK with him. I can't just keep kissing him and acting like it's a normal occurrence when it's not. It's not normal to kiss someone as passionately as I've been kissing him, then just pretending like it never even happened. How is _he _so good at acting like it's nothing? _Maybe it is nothing to him. Maybe a kiss is just a kiss and you're reading too much into it. _I just wish I knew why my body acts like this every time I kiss him. He's just Alex. I don't even see him as Michael Evans. I see him as…Alex, you know? He's Alex. He's an ingenious, creative writer yes, but he's Alex to me. I knew him before he was Michael Evans to me and he'll always be Alex. I could see if I knew he was Michael Evans—my favorite author—from the jump, before I got in the car with him. If I knew he was Michael Evans before I knew he was Alex and I was kissing him, then I'd have an excuse to freak out over kissing him. But I don't. I just know him as Alex, so what's wrong with me?

I pull the blankets on my bed back and climb between the sheets. My head hits the pillow and I pull the covers up to my neck, then close my eyes. I have to find a reason to tell him, so I don't have to go with him to visit his mother tomorrow. I'm fine with chilling out in the hotel room all day. Really, I'm perfectly fine with that. I just need to come up with an excuse as to why I can't go. _I'll just play sick. Yeah, I'll play hooky tomorrow. There we go._ I roll over on my side and bury the side of my face in the pillow so I can sleep for the night.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

The ceiling tiles in this hotel room are fancy. Really, they are. They're white but there are a bunch of patterns embossed in the paint and it looks really expensive. I wonder how much it costs to get your ceiling decorated and painted like this because I kind of like it. Maybe I'll get the ceilings of my beach house to look like this. It can't cost too much, can it? It's just fancy paint. Sighing, I roll over on my side in my bed and grab the extra pillow just hanging out beside me. I put the pillow over my face and hold it there. I'm surprised that the right side of my bed is empty. I really thought that tonight, I'd be sleeping with Jo lying next to me. I didn't think that we'd have sex or anything like that; I just thought that after we kissed and made out like that after we said goodnight, she'd come back to my room and sleep with me. Not sleep with me as in have sex with me, but sleep with me as in her, lying next to me with my arms around her waist. _That's your own fault, dumb ass. _I sigh again and push the pillow deeper into my face.

I could really kick myself in the ass right now. Literally, if I could reach my ass with my foot, I'd kick myself in my ass so hard. I TOLD MYSELF I WOULDN'T FALL FOR A GIRL LIKE THAT AGAIN. I told myself that women are bitches that can't be trusted and I PROMISED myself I'd never let myself get hurt like that again. When I found Lucy in the shower with Garrett, that took a piece of me that I can never get back. She took a piece of me when she cheated because I really, really thought that she was the girl I was going to marry. So I swore that I'd never let a girl do that to me because I was NEVER going to let myself fall that hard again. And here I am, with the nerve to feel a little bit distraught over the fact that this girl isn't in to me. I'm lying here in bed, pissed with myself because I thought, for a split second that maybe, she liked me too. It's my own dumb ass fault. It shouldn't have taken her throwing up after kissing me for me to realize that she really wasn't ever in to me in the first place.

But she literally puked after kissing me. She ran in the bathroom and threw up. She insisted that she wasn't sick either and really, she didn't look like she had the flu or food poisoning. Really, she just looked like she never wanted to kiss me. She looked like the thought of kissing me was absolutely revolting. She's really just not into me and I don't know why that upsets me as much as it does. Maybe she really just wants to be my friend after all. Or maybe she hates me because she knows that I lied to her earlier about my fake name. I have to be honest. I don't really know how long I thought I could hide the fact that I was Michael Evans from her. I'm not a writer anymore so I'm not Michael Evans anymore but still, I lied to her about it. Maybe she figured that I was lying and she's mad at me for it. _Or maybe she's just a bitch like all women are bitches and you should just pull your head out of your ass, get the bitch to California and ship her on the first plane to Massachusetts. _For the third time in the matter of minutes, I sigh, put the pillow back down on the empty bed beside me and give myself to sleep.

**X X X **

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't want to go see my mom. The only thing that's keeping me pushing down this highway to Kansas City is the fact that I already told both my mom and Amber that I was coming. If this was going to be some kind of surprise trip that I didn't tell them about, I swear I wouldn't go. I just don't think I'm ready to go and rehash all these old issues between me and her. My mom is the type of person that doesn't know how to let things go. I'd be perfectly fine if we didn't talk about her, her old habits, her and pop and the divorce that made her move, but my mom isn't the kind to shut up about something. Every time I go to visit her, she feels the need to tell her side of the story of everything that went on between her and pop, hence the reason I haven't been to visit her in person in years. It'll be the first time I've seen her since pop died. She didn't come to the funeral but that was only because pop didn't want a real big service. He's buried next to his parents and that's that. My mom…she acts like I was too young to remember anything, but little does she know, I remember everything that happened and I really don't see the point in reliving it. Don't get me wrong. My mom isn't intolerable and insufferable but she just wants to constantly talk about the past. Personally, I think it's because she doesn't know me very much, so she doesn't ever really know what to talk to me about. So I think she just picks something that the two of us were mutually around for, just to have a conversation. But I hate it. I hate talking about divorces, I hate talking about cheating and I hate talking about the fact that she doesn't think she did anything wrong to cause pop to ask for a divorce.

I remember the exact incident that made pop push for a divorce though. And I think that he was perfectly just in doing so…

_I walk over to the cold, metal benches outside the stadium and sit down on them. My butt instantly gets cold but it's better than standing. My legs hurt so bad from the inchworm exercises coach made us do today and I think if I stand any longer than I have to, I'm going to die. I put my shoulder pads and my helmet down on the ground next to me and pull my cell phone out of my pocket. Pop's down at the store today so calling him is no use. I'm really starting to wish I had never lied to coach and told him that my ride would be here in five minutes. I should've let him take me home instead. The thing is, I didn't actually know I'd be waiting this long. I kind of figured mom would be a little bit late picking me up but I didn't think she'd be a whole hour late. Practice ended at 4:30 and the last time I checked the time, it was 5:40. I thought I could mess around in the locker room long enough to wait out her delay but no. The janitor came and locked up the locker room at 5:30 and I had to leave. She was never supposed to be this late._

_I open up my phone and check the time. It's now 6:00. I go to my contacts and find the one labelled as "mum." I click on it and push the green call button. I put the phone to my ear as it rings and sit back against the backs of the benches. I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm sweaty and I stink. I want to go home, take a shower, eat dinner, do my homework, play a little bit of Crash Bandicoot on the PlayStation and go to bed for the night before the arguing starts. "Hi, this Helen…I'm not available to take your call right now, but leave me your name and a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I possibly can. Bye!" Her voicemail picks up and I close my phone. Maybe I can call my Uncle Buck to pick me up. Uncle Buck isn't really my uncle. He and pop are just really close friends and Uncle Buck helps him out at the store, so I'm supposed to just call him Uncle Buck anyway. "_

_Instead of going to my Uncle Buck's contact, I go to pop's. I'm not trying to get ma in trouble or anything because I really believe that she has a good excuse for being late. It's just that it's getting to be dark outside and I'm just a little bit scared to be out here alone when it's dark. I'm not real scared because I am pretty big for a ten year old, but still. I don't think I should be sitting out on benches while it's dark outside. Plus, Uncle Buck will probably take me back down to the store whereas pop would take me home. I don't want to go to the store, I want to go home. I push the call button and put the phone to my ear again. Pop answers on the third ring. "Hey buddy…what do you need? Make it quick, I'm busy replacing an engine right now."_

"_Pop…" I hold the phone to my ear with my shoulder and put my hands over my eyes. I think I might start to cry if I don't stop myself. "Can you come get me? I'm still at football practice…mom never showed up…"_

"_Football? Isn't that over at 4:30? Alex, it's 6:00…why are you just now calling me?!"_

"_Ma said she might be late this morning. She told me she was coming to get me after football today so we could go out for pizza, so I waited…but it's getting dark." Tears are falling from my eyes but I try to mask the fact that I'm crying in my voice because I don't want pop to hear me cry. He always says that it's okay for boys to cry as long as they're not crying for stupid reasons. I'm not sure if this is a stupid reason or not, but still and yet, I don't want pop to hear me cry. "She never came…everybody left a while ago and I'm still here… I know you're busy but can you please come grab me? And take me home?"_

"_Gimme like two minutes…I'm gonna kill your mother." He mumbles and hangs up the phone._

I hate thinking about that. Just thinking about it makes my throat close up, my heart beat fast and my eyes well up with tears. I hate thinking about that so much. I swallow the lump in my throat and blink back tears so I can keep driving without a hitch. I don't think I've ever felt that bad in my life…not even when I caught Lucy cheating. She told me she was going to come get me. She told me that she was going to be the one picking me up from football practice so we could go out for pizza to celebrate my five tackles and three touchdowns from the football game the day before. I sat out there. And I waited for an hour and a half. And she never came to get me. The argument that followed that incident was one I couldn't resist arguing. Pop really laid into her about leaving her ten year old waiting out on the street for her. And that night…well, that was the first night I'd ever heard the term "divorce" come out of his mouth. I love my mom, still to this day. I loved her then, too. I know my mom loves me too. I know she does. I KNOW she does. But that day, she just loved the pills just a little more than she loved me.

Once I rid my thoughts from all the painful memories, I still realize that I don't want to visit my mom. It's only for a day though. We're probably going to get there at 12, maybe 12:30 noon. We'll stay the night there just to save money on a hotel (but if my mom pisses me off at any time, I'm packing my shit and Jo's shit and we're going to a hotel, no issue there) and we're going to leave tomorrow morning around 11:00 to make it to the next hotel, which is near Wichita, Kansas. After we travel tomorrow, we'll be in Colorado. After she threw up from kissing me last night, I've really been trying to give Jo her distance. She doesn't seem like she wants anything to do with me, which is fine. I'm really trying to not have anything to do with her either. She told me this morning that she didn't want to come with me to see my mom but I told her that I didn't plan on coming back to the hotel tonight so she _had _to come. She packed up her stuff and she came with me. Ashamed as I am to say it, but I don't think I'd be able to make it through this visit with my mom without her. I mean, if she really didn't want to come with me, I'd make it a point to come back to the hotel and get her but I really didn't want to do this without her. With Jo, at least I have someone to talk to. I mean, if I don't want to talk to my mom or Amber, I still have Jo to talk to. I take my eyes off the road for a second to look over at her. She's mouthing something. I think she's singing along to this stupid, teenie-bopper song that's on the radio. I watch her mouth move to see if that's what she's doing, and it is. So I lunge forward and turn up the radio for her because it's awfully low.

She looks over at me when I turn it up and smiles, like she's saying thank you and admitting that she's embarrassed that I caught her singing. She looks back away from me and out the window like she was doing before I turned the radio up. I watch her mouth and follow her words as she's singing, too low for me to hear. "You got that long hair, slicked back, white t-shirt. And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt. And when we go crashing down, we come back every time. 'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style." I look at her from head to toe while she sings. She has on a purple tank top, short, tight, blue jean shorts and white flip flops. When I left her last night, her hair was wavy and kind of curly but when she opened her door this morning, it was straight and longer than usual. I've never seen her with straight hair before. She told me that she couldn't sleep last night so she wasted an hour straightening her hair with a curling iron. With her hair straight, it's longer. It passes her boobs when it's straight but when it's wavy, it only touches her boobs. It's also the first time I've seen her in a tank top. She has freckles or beauty marks all over her arms and on her chest. Her boobs stick out pretty far from her stomach and they're not enormous, but they're big enough to have a crease between them. I always have liked her legs. She has the most perfect legs I've ever seen. They're so smooth and long and she has two beauty marks on her right thigh which makes her legs even sexier. She's gorgeous, I still can't get over it. Fuck gorgeous, Jo's beautiful. _She's not into you. Stop drooling over her before you mess around and get Lucied again._

The song Jo was singing ends on the radio and one of my favorites just so happens to come on. I don't think this song is something that she'd like though, so I just reach forward and turn it down so she doesn't have to listen to it if she doesn't want to. We're only about a half hour out from Kansas City, which means I have half an hour before I lose my mind. I already know my mom is going to cry over seeing me. She's going to cry and hug me and kiss me. I don't know what Amber's going to do because I hardly know the girl. I'm her friend on Facebook and I talk to her every so often on the phone, so I can guess that maybe she'll try to hug me because she seems like she's the sentimental type as well. My mom's husband can go fall in a ditch somewhere for all I care. At least that hasn't changed. I hated him back when I was a kid for being "the other man" and I still hate him to this day. Admittedly, he never really did anything to me. But I just don't like the man. And I already have the story planned out for how I'm going to explain Jo. First, I'm going to have to stress that she's NOOOOOOOT my girlfriend. I'm just going to tell them that she's my friend that's coming with me to California. She's not my girlfriend, she's not my girlfriend, she's not my girlfriend.

From the corner of my eye, I watch her lean forward and tap the volume button on my radio. _She actually likes his song? _"…You get down with Imagine Dragons?" I ask her. We haven't spoken words to each other since we left the hotel. I think she's trying to make the fact that we made out twice last night awkward, but the thing is…me and Jo just click. Our personalities just click and we can't just not talk. We can't go very long without talking, it seems. So yeah, while it is kind of awkward to know that I made out with her twice in three hours, plus I grabbed her ass and dry humped her…we just can't keep making it awkward. We can't keep up with the awkwardness for long. She doesn't say anything about my comment about the band we're listening to. So maybe I was wrong…maybe she is trying to still make it awkward. It's quiet between us again, with the only sound coming from the radio.

"….SO IIIII, I BET MY LIFE….I BET MY LIFE….I BET MY LIFE ON YOOOOU." Out of the clear blue, she just bursts out in song. She can't sing, but the beauty in that is that she's not trying. She's trying to be obnoxious, she's trying to get on my nerves and she's trying to sing terribly. I try to keep a straight face and let her know that I know this is supposed to be awkward between us, though. But Jo, she's the type of girl that can't be ignored. She won't LET you ignore her. She grabs ahold of my arm and pulls herself towards me to sing in my ear. "IIIIIII BET MY LIFE….I BET MY LIFE ON YOOOOOU." I still don't say anything to her but I'm finding it so hard to keep a straight face. I'm not a playful person and I'm damn sure not a singer. Why does this girl change me though? She's still screaming in my ear though. "I BET MY LIFE ON YOU!"

I lick my lips and crack a smile. "…So I bet my life on you…I been around the world and never in my wildest dreams would I come running home to you…" Just to appease her, I start to sing. I don't know the next part of the lyrics so I let the song play out. She lets my arm go and sits back straight with the biggest, widest, prettiest smile on her face. _It's okay to have fun with her, isn't it? _I see her mouth curl up into a bigger smile as the chorus rolls back around. "I know I gave you hell throughout the years…" Not gonna lie, I feel so goofy singing with her. I don't sing…I'm not a singer. But Jo just brings everything out of me. Her mouth starts to open and she takes a deep breath so I know what she's about to do. And I can't help it, so I do it too. And in unison, we scream together. "SO IIIII, I BET MY LIFE….I BET MY LIFE…I BET MY LIFE ON YOU!" She's playfully strumming an air guitar and dancing like a lunatic, something that I WON'T do. It's cute that she's doing it though. "I bet my life…I bet my life…I bet my life on you." I tone down the screaming so much.

"So…" She's giggling so hard that she can hardly talk to me. Since she seems like she wants to be serious now, I lean forward and turn the radio down just a little bit. "…What…" She's still laughing. She clears her throat and makes herself appear serious now. "What should I expect from your family?" She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks at me.

I can't get over how drop-dead beautiful she is. She has on light makeup but I swear she doesn't need any. _Seriously dude, quit looking at her like that. She doesn't even like you! _"Expect…expect my mom. She's really touchy-feely. She likes to hug and stuff. And she'll try to feed you, even if you're not hungry." I think mom trying to shove food down everybody's throats stems from the fact that she still feels guilty that there were many of nights where she sent me to bed on an empty stomach and banked on pop to feed me. "And Amber…my sister, she's seventeen. Then there's Donald, my mom's husband. I don't know much about him."

"You have a sister?" She asks. I nod my head. "That's cool."

"Yeah, I guess." I shrug. "Just be ready for anything." That's seriously the best advice I can give her.


	17. Why Do You Care?

**A/N:** Sorry for those of you guys that were confused by that last sentence of chapter 16. I took it out so it's all good now. I was just going to start the next part of the chapter but I decided not to and I forgot to delete it after I decided not to start it. So yeah, sorry. Enjoy this chapter!

* * *

The car slows to a steady stop before he reaches down and puts the gearshift in park. I can't bring myself to stop looking at him long enough to make myself aware of the surroundings of the place where we stopped. My stomach is still feeling really queasy and unsteady but I'm just chalking that up to the fact that I'm about to go meet all these new people. I'm not antisocial, I just really don't like meeting new people. I was never very good at making friends and I'm just not one of those people that are liked right off the bat. Most people have a bunch of preconceived notions of what I'm going to be like before they even get to know me and that really sucks, which in turn, makes me dislike meeting new people. I think maybe I have some social anxiety but then again, that could just be me being dramatic as usual. I just don't know. "We're here." Alex mumbles at me, stating the obvious. _No crap we're here. You wouldn't just stop and park your car for no reason, would you? _He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens up his car door. Even though I'm feeling so nauseous I could throw up right now, I pull the handle of my car door and step out too. _Someone once told me that first impressions are everything. First impressions can either make you or break you. _So armed with the knowledge that first impressions can make or break a relationship, I pull my blue jean shorts out of my crotch to make them seem like they aren't short and skanky. I adjust my tank top so I'm not showing an abundant amount of cleavage and I fix my hair. Alex stretches out his arms, yawns, shakes his head and starts walking. I can't move my legs though. I'm way too nervous.

I look around at the house. The car is parked in a very long driveway that I didn't even notice we drove up. The driveway is paved with clean tan concrete and the garage is made of white siding with green doors. The garage is attached to a white house with green shutters and windowpanes. This is without a doubt, the nicest house I've ever been invited to. The house is low, so I know that everything is on one floor and it's ranch-style. I'm shocked that it's this nice. Not that I didn't expect his family to live in a nice house, I just didn't expect the house to look like this. It's so big and so nice. The front yard is big and spacious, lined with rosebushes and small but very full trees. I look at Alex and see that he's almost already completely to the front door. I don't want to have to walk in the house alone with all the attention on me sometime after he walks in, so I light a fire under my butt and lightly start jogging to catch up with him. "Is this a farm?" I ask him. I think it is a farm, because everything is so spaced out and there's a whole lot of room on this land. The farm must be in the back or something. "It's just so big…" I explain my reasoning to him.

He raises his fist to knock on the door and turns to me. "It used to be. My mom's husband used to own a farm…they shut it down. Sold all the animals, all the equipment and shut it down. I don't know why, all I know is that it's just not a farm anymore." He hesitates before knocking on the door and puts his fist down. "Are you okay with this?" I nod my head. No, I'm not okay with this. I'm not okay with this in the very least. I've never been this nervous before in my life, except in college when my Organic Chemistry professor made me read my lab report in front of the entire auditorium because I got the highest grade on it. Nothing except public speaking has ever made me this nervous before. But I don't want him to know that I'm freaking out. "Alright." He takes my word for it and starts knocking on the door. I focus on him. It's strange because last night, he was the exact reason as to why I was so sick and nauseous, but today, he's the thing that's calming me down. I look at his arms and imagine him holding me with them. I imagine how safe I'd feel in those big, muscular arms. I think back about his lips. How complete I felt last night while he was kissing me with those lips. _Alex is going to be here with you. No need to be so nervous. He's here. _While we're waiting for the door to be opened, I reach out and pretend to pick a piece of lint off his t-shirt, when really, all I want is a reason to touch him. So I pick the imaginary lint off the back of his shirt and pretend to toss it on the ground. His back is firm, hard and muscular.

"Thanks." He whispers to me and takes his cell phone out of his pocket. If he's calling somebody to come open the door for us then he's just a little bit impatient. He only just knocked, he should give it some time. _You think he'd mind if I... _I can't help myself. I just really want to touch him again. So while he's busily scrolling through his phone, I take two steps toward him and stand right behind him. I don't know if I should, but I rest my cheek in the middle of his back and wrap my arms around his waist. He stops scrolling through his phone for a moment. I fold my hands together and rest them on his lower stomach in a very light hug. He smells so good. He smells like cologne and fresh laundry. Just when I think he's going to tell me to get off, he just accepts it and starts scrolling through his phone again. I close my eyes and keep my cheek against his back. I feel him shuffle a little bit as he puts his phone back in his pocket. To my surprise, his fingers start tracing circles against my hand. Why does it feel so good to hug him? I inhale deeply, taking his scent deep in my nostrils and letting it envelop my body. I exhale dreamily, just happy at the fact that he's letting me hug him. _He could be my babe. Really, he could. I could hold him… I could rub his hair…I could kiss him and make sure he's alright. I could hug him forever. He could be my babe…he really, really could. _I squeeze him tighter in the hug I'm giving him and nestle my cheek right between the muscles in the middle of his back. His hands stroke my arms back and forth and when he stops caressing my arms, he puts his hands on top of mine.

The door we're standing in front of rustles and before it opens up, I quickly take my arms from around his waist and step back like a child that just got caught doing something naughty. It's almost like I know I'm not supposed to be touching him but I'm touching him anyway. I put my arms down straight at my sides and stand behind him so he can't see my face. I swear the world just stopped for that short little moment. I forgot that we were waiting for the door to open. I forgot that I'm nervous to feet his family. I forgot that I'm feeling nauseous and I forgot all about the fact that he used to be really, really mean to me. For that moment, it was just me and it was him and I felt so…right. It felt right to be hugging him. I didn't want to let him go. I want to feel that way again. I want to feel "right" holding him forever. The door creaks as it opens and I pick my head up. I'm standing behind him so I can't see much, so I crane my neck around and peek out from behind his back.

"Alex!" The woman that answered the door exclaims before he even gets a chance to speak. She's decently tall. She has to be about 5'8 or 5'9 and she's really, really thin. She has medium-length, dishwater blonde hair that rests right past her shoulders. Her eyes are dark green and really soft. She has long eyelashes and very thin, pink lips. Her nose is small but wide and turned up enough that I can see inside her nostrils. Facially, she's a very pretty woman. But she also looks worn down, beaten almost…as if like really did a number on her. But when she smiles, I can tell her smile is genuine. Her face is leathery and slightly wrinkled in the forehead with laugh lines on her cheeks. Her cheeks are hollow and underneath her eyes are dark. When she smiles, her teeth are just slightly yellowed and sort of crooked. She's really very pretty though. She lunges forward at him and puts her arms around his entire body, which I find humorous because she's so tiny and petite while he's enormous and muscular. "I missed you, baby." Her voice is motherly, warm and sweet but still stern enough to demand respect.

"Hey mom." He reciprocates her hug and nonchalantly turns his head to kiss her on her cheek. When the two of them let each other go, she steps back and looks at him like she's admiring him. She's playing with the collar of his shirt and touching all over his chest. I guess this probably is weird for her to see her son…her baby after so long. I imagine he probably wasn't this burly the last time she saw him. When she stops messing with him to invite him in the house, he steps aside as if he's pulling pack a curtain and revealing his shy little charity case. "Yeah, ma…this is Jo." He motions to me with his head and introduces us like this is something he's done a thousand times before. So I don't seem rude and make a good impression, I plaster the nicest smile I own across my face. She's looking at me with an all-knowing smile. It's the kind of smile you see mothers give their sons in the movies, when they bring home their fiancées or their girlfriends for the first time. She's looking at me like she approves of me. "She's my friend, okay? Not a girlfriend, not a…fiancée or whatever, just a friend." He clears that up before she can even begin to question it.

"Nice to meet you." I raise my hand and wave at her with the same smile on my face. "…Mrs. Karev." I add that in there to seem really polite.

She laughs lively, honestly, like I just told her a joke. "Not Mrs. Karev anymore, hon… I married." She takes a step towards me and looks at me from head to toe. _Damn, Jo…you blew it already. You shouldn't have even said anything. You should've just kept it at "nice to meet you" and shut up from there. _I'm just incredibly awkward with meeting new people. "It's nice to meet you too though, honey." She turns away from me and back to Alex. "Let's head on inside…Amber's so excited to see you. She's been talking our ears off about it all week. I'm just excited for her to finally shut up about it." She holds the front door open for the both of us and Alex walks in first. I swallow a nervous lump in my throat and knock it down to the pit of my stomach, where I start feeling queasy again. I snap myself out of it and step right into the house, following close behind Alex. As soon as I step into the house, I just freeze. The outside of the house doesn't do the inside justice. It's ten thousand times nicer on the inside than it is on the outside.

The floors are made out of dark brown hardwood. Off to the right is a staircase made of the same brown wood, but in the middle of each step is fluffy dark green carpeting. The railing attached to the staircase is wooden as well but it's carved so nicely that it looks like it's made of stone. Next to the staircase is a coatrack with a bunch of jackets hanging up. Beneath the coat rack is a shelf where a bunch of shoes are stored. Straight back from where we're standing is a kitchen that's really bright. It looks nice from the distance we're standing at but I can't see completely inside it. Off to my right is a really big living room with pristine white carpeting and light brown painted walls. In the living room, there's a flat screen TV mounted to the wall and The Proposal is playing on the TV. _I love this movie. _I lean my head forward to get a clearer look in the living room. Underneath the TV on the wall is a small bookcase filled with a bunch of encyclopedias, atlases and dictionaries. There's just one couch in the entire living room, but the couch is huge. It's dark brown, leather and it's a sectional that takes up two entire walls. The glass coffee table in the middle of the sectional couch is held up by two golden lion statues and there are a bunch of magazines on the table. There's a big reclining chair in the only spot that isn't taken up by the couch. It looks like somebody was sitting in the recliner because the footrest part is sticking out and there's a blanket draped over the arm of the chair. On the walls of the living room are framed bible scriptures and pictures of crosses and Jesus Christ. Hanging on the wall above the mounted TV are school pictures of a little girl and two old pictures of a little boy that must be Alex. On top of the stand underneath the TV are various gold trophies with figurines of volleyball players, softball players and cheerleaders on top of them. There's a big, huge, dark brown rug in the middle of the white carpet and lying on top of the rug is a really old looking Golden Retriever.

"Are you two hungry at all?" His mother's voice pulls me out of admiring the beauty that is their living room. I shake my head at her as a response and Alex looks back at me to make sure I don't say yes, I presume. I'm actually not hungry. We ate breakfast on the go when we left the hotel a while ago and that's been holding me over. He tells her "no, we're not hungry" and her face falls. I remember him saying something about how his mom likes to feed people. I halfway wonder if I should've said yes just to appease her. "Alright. If you get hungry, there are some leftover biscuits on the stove from lunch. I look up at Alex for directions on what I should do next, but he's not even looking at me. He's taking off his shoes and putting his bag of stuff on the floor next to the front door. Because I don't know what else to do, I follow his lead. "Jo honey…" She calls me and I look up. I feel sweat start to come out of the pores on the palms of my hands. "How did you say you are?"

"I didn't." I slide my feet out of my flip flops and Alex bends down and picks them up, along with the bag of my clothes. I watch him from the corner of my eye. He puts my shoes on the shoe shelf right next to his and he puts my clothes next to his bag. "I'm 23, though. Just turned 23 on the 5th of last month." After he puts our stuff away, Alex starts walking back towards the kitchen and I follow him. For some reason, his mom follows me and keeps talking to me like she's actually interested in what I've got to say.

"Oh, really? You're 23?!" She sounds shocked, which isn't abnormal. A lot of people don't think I look my age. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult just yet. "You don't look at day over 19." I get that a lot, actually. I get 18 sometimes but mostly, I get 19 or 20. I think most girls would count it as a blessing if someone told them that they look younger than what they are, but I don't really think it's a good thing for me. I especially hate it when I go to the gas station to buy a lighter or when I try to get into a club and they think my ID is fake. "Good gosh, what's your secret?" She sits down on a bar stool in the kitchen and looks straight at me.

"I don't know…I drink a lot of water." I snicker and start pulling at my fingers because I'm so nervous to actually be engaging in a conversation with her. I tuck my hair behind my ears out of pure edginess and purse my lips.

"Now, is 'Jo' your full name or is that short for something?" She's really friendly. I wish I knew how to interact with people but I really don't.

I twist my hair around my finger and rock back and forth on my feet. "It's short for 'Josephine'." I tell her. When I say my full name, Alex blows air through his closed lips and starts quietly laughing. I glare at him and roll my eyes. I kind of don't blame him for laughing. Josephine is a pretty hard name to swallow but come on…I don't need him to make fun of me for it. Believe me, I already know how terrible my full name is. Miss Helen is busy dumping a gallon of sugar in a cup of coffee and Alex is looking around at everything in the kitchen, like it's been a while since he's been here. This is uncomfortably awkward for me. "May I use the bathroom?" I ask. I do have to pee, but I've had to pee for a while now and I really could hold it, truly. But this might as well be an excuse to get out of here, right?

"Yeah honey, um…go right into the dining room and it's the only door in the dining room. Right in there." She points me in the direction of the dining room and I look at Alex before I go. He looks like he really doesn't even want to be here right now. I stop looking at him and start walking towards the dining room. As I'm leaving, I hear their conversation progress without me. "Amber's outside with a couple of her girlfriends. You want me to go get her or do you want to go out there?" I don't stick around long enough to hear Alex's answer. Instead, I shut the door to the bathroom and turn on the light. Even the bathroom is beautiful. It's painted a very light blue and hanging all over the walls are pictures of dolphins. The toilet is blue and so is the sink. The trashcan is in the shape of a buoy and the soap dispenser on the soap is shaped like a dolphin. There is no shower in this bathroom, just a toilet and a sink. I unbutton and unzip my shorts and pull them down, along with my underwear. I sit down on the toilet and do my business. Once I'm done, I wipe myself, pull my pants back up and flush the toilet. I go over to the sink so I can wash my hands.

As of right now, I'm not totally understanding why it was suck a hassle for Alex to go visit his mom. I don't understand why he was so hell bent on not even coming. So far, his mom seems like a very, very sweet lady. She seems like she's sweet, she keeps a nice home and it feels so family-oriented here. If I were him, I'd be killing and jumping at the chance to come back where whenever I could. I'd give anything to have this family atmosphere. So unless there's something I'm not totally getting, I just don't understand why he's so lackluster about being her and why he acts like death would be more appealing than being here. I wipe my hands on the towel hanging up next to the sink and just stand there for a minute. I don't think I'm ready to go back out there and be social again. I'm literally freaking completely out. I feel like I'm dying out there. I'm trying so hard to not appear as nervous but I just can't help it. I feel like his mom thinks I'm boring and personality-less. I feel like I'm acting like a brick freaking wall. Then again, I can't even be myself around Alex without going crazy so I don't know what made me think that I could act normal around his mother. _Alright… they're gonna think you got lost or something. _I suck it up and open the bathroom door. I step back out into the dining room and start walking back to the kitchen.

The dining room is nice too, by the way. The carpet of the dining room is really soft and it's dark, deep red. The walls are dark red too but the baseboards are trimmed in gold paint. The dining room table is glass and it's gold as well. The chairs are the same color red as the carpets and on the wall is a china cabinet. Above the table is a really beautiful gold chandelier. The curtains covering the windows are gold as well. In the corner opposite the china cabinet is a really large fish tank with exotic, tropical fish swimming around in it. I don't know what each fish is called but I know that there are two Nemo fish in the tank, one Dory fish, an algae eater swimming around at the bottom, one yellow fish from Nemo, the fish that was obsessed with bubbles. There's four kissy fish in the tank and a starfish hanging out on the top part of the glass. I walk back into the kitchen and find that it's empty. I wasn't even gone that long. Where'd everybody go that quickly?

I look around for a possible clue as to where everybody went and still, nothing. _Well I remember his mom saying that Amber's outside. Maybe he went outside. _I slowly walk over to the sliding glass door that's in the kitchen. I look out through the glass to see if it's even worth me going outside. _Holy cow…I can totally tell this used to be a farm. The yard is freaking huge. _There aren't really any signs that this used to be a farm in the backyard except for the fact that the backyard is as big as it is. There aren't any barns left, any stalls for the animals, any pens for the pigs to play in. There are literally NO possible signs that this could've been a farm. As I look straight out into the yard, I see just the outline of a pool. It's too far away for me to see it completely but I'm definitely seeing the outline of a pool. I open up the door and step out of it. I slide it back closed behind me and step fully out onto the patio. The patio is made of light and dark brown cobblestone. Careful not to step on anything with my bare feet, I start walking down the stone path that will probably lead me to the pool. The closer I get, the more I can make out Alex. I step back and just watch for a moment.

He's shirtless and standing right next to the pool. There are three girls surrounding him. One has black hair and really tan skin and she's sporting a two-piece, pink bikini. She's smiling and laughing like he's the funniest man in the world. The second girl standing next to him has darker, but still light skin. Her hair is light brown and it's tied up in a wet ponytail that's dripping down her back. Her bikini is black and it's so little that she should just swim naked for what it's worth. The third girl is standing directly next to him with her arm around his waist. She has on a purple and white bikini and she's got tan white skin and long, wavy, light blonde hair with dark brown highlights. _Why is her arm around his waist? Seriously, what the hell is this? _My jaw starts trembling; not because I'm about to cry but because I'm so angry I can't control myself right now. I bawl my hands up into fists and stomp the rest of the way down to the pool. _Like, why is she freaking touching him? Why is her arm around his waist like that? And why is she so close? Seriously…back the hell up. _When I get down to the pool and I get a closer look at those girls, I feel my body temperature just shoot up. Involuntarily, my arms fold across my chest and I know that it's written all over my face that I'm pissy. I don't have a good poker face. When I'm mad, you can see that I'm mad. I start taking deep breaths to calm myself down.

Alex glances over at me for a second then back at the girls. "Let me go real quick, Amb." He says to the blonde one. The blonde girl takes her arm from around his waist and steps back at his command. _So the blonde is his sister. Okay…that makes me feel a little bit better. That makes it better. I still don't like all these girls hanging around him, but okay….his sister was the one hugging him. That makes everything better, it does. _I feel myself calming down slowly but surely. I don't know why, but I thought for sure that the one with black hair was his sister. I thought the black haired girl was his sister and the blonde was just some random ho hanging all over him. As soon as the girl lets him go, he starts walking towards me and all of the girls' eyes go immediately over, following him to me. "This is my friend Jo…the one I was telling you about." He introduces her to me. "Jo, that's my sister and that's Chloe…" He motions to the light-skinned one. "And Taylor." He motions to the dark haired one.

"Hi!" The blonde is so energetic and so giddy. She's actually quite pretty in the face. She has the same thin, un-curvy body structure that their mother has. But she has the prettiest, longest, thickest blonde hair and her eyes are bright green. She kind of looks like Alex in the nose and the chin shape. "I'm Amber…" She comes over to me and holds out her hand. At this point, the irritation I had with her is completely gone. She's entirely too cute for me to stay mad. I slide my hand into her hand and shake it. "It's so nice to actually meet Alex's girlfriend, I mean I never thought that I'd get to—"

"I told you, she's not my girlfriend. Cut that out." Alex sounds annoyed with her all of a sudden. "She's my friend…I told you that."

I smile at her and take my hand away once we're done shaking on it. "I'm Jo." I formally introduce myself to her politely. "And no…I'm not your brother's girlfriend." I shake my head with a smile still on my face. "We're just friends."

"You know these days, just friends could mean a lot of things. Friends with benefits…Friends that do everything together except date…" She starts running the list off her tongue and I can't help but laugh at that. Alex gives her a "cut the shit" kind of look and she backs way off. "Anyway…you're super pretty. Aren't you like…23? Alex said you're older than me but not by much…I think mom said you're 23. I'm pretty sure she said you're 23, at least."

"Yeah." I nod my head. "I'm 23. And thank you…you're pretty too."

"Coolness!" She exclaims. "I mean, you're not that much older than me…so maybe we can hang out or something while you're here. We're gonna have so much fun." She's so excited to meet me, it's actually kind of strange. I'm starting to wonder exactly how much Alex told her about me. She puts her arm around my shoulders and looks at Alex. "I loooove her already. You guys should totally date."

"Alright Ambs, leave her alone." Annoyed, Alex grabs her arm and pushes it away from me. "Jo and I aren't into each other. We aren't dating and we're never going to date. Alright? So just leave it alone. I'm allowed to have female friends, just like you have male friends. She's just a friend. It's not like that between us and it never will be. I don't want to hear you say it again, okay?" _Ouch. He'd never date me? Ouch. Big time ouch._

"Fine." She sighs like she's all defeated and whatnot but she doesn't stop talking to me. I kind of like her enthusiasm. I find it quite endearing. "Come on, Jo…let's swim." She starts pulling me towards the pool. Her two friends are whispering amongst each other. I hate to admit it, but I've been watching them. Ever since Alex clarified that him and me aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, they've been staring kind of hard. I tune out of the two girls' conversation and tune back into the fact that Amber's dragging me. "You know how to swim, don't you?" She asks and I don't say anything. I'm too focused on the fact that since she's pulling me away from the group, the girls are centered in on Alex. They're clearly flirting with him and what's irritating me more is the fact that he's flirting back. "We can all swim." Amber says.

"I don't have a swimsuit…" I shrug my arm out of Amber's hold because honestly, I'm not in the mood anymore. I'm not in the mood to deal with anything. I'm in the mood to burn stuff, break stuff and punch holes in stuff. I don't want to sound mean to Amber though because after all, she's not the reason I'm in such a crappy mood. "I'll sit at the edge with my feet in though." She nods her head like it's an okay compromise and runs down the rest of the way to the pool. Alex and the other two girls make their way down to the pool as well. I walk slowly the rest of the way. The pool isn't like any other pool though, of course. The pool is themed to look like it's a lake. There's a deep end and a shallow end but it's really not all that big. It's oval-shaped and there's a waterfall in the corner of it. The waterfall is made of the same cobblestone the pathway to the pool is made out of. In the middle of the pool is a couple steps that lead up into a circular shaped hot tub. All around the pool are a bunch of trees and stones to keep the water in. Next to the waterfall is a ledge made out of stone that's modeled to look like a cliff but it's really a diving board. Still smarting about the fact that Alex is flirting with these girls, I sit down at the edge of the pool and dunk my feet inside the cool water.

Wearing nothing but his pair of shorts, Alex jumps right inside the pool with the girls. I'm beyond irritated right now, nobody has any idea. I swing my legs in the water and grip the edge of the pool with my hands to take out anger. I'm not real sure, but I think I'm jealous. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm in such a bad mood, just because he's flirting with these girls. _How dare he flirt with them right in front of my face though? Do I not even matter to him? _Amber suggests that they play a game of Chicken and my whole body just feels hot. I watch the little light-skinned girl climb on top of Alex's shoulders and I grit my teeth and look away. I can't even bear to look at him. If I keep looking at him, I'm going to end up hurting somebody. So I look around the yard. The pool is just one component of the huge yard. There's a volleyball net a couple hundred feet away from the pool and there's a trampoline another hundred feet away from the volleyball net. I look away from the volleyball net and the trampoline and look at the other patio next to the pool. His mom and a man that I assume is his mother's husband are sitting at a table with an umbrella over it, shading them. They're in deep conversation.

I knew I shouldn't have even come here. For what it's worth, I didn't want to come here in the first place. Earlier, when we were waiting for the door to open, I thought that coming here wasn't a mistake after all. I was hugging him and he was letting me and he was caressing me like he actually wanted me to hug him and in that moment, I thought that coming with him to meet his family wasn't some big mistake. But now I'm not so sure. I think it was a mistake. I would still rather be doing laundry than sit here and watch him flirt with these girls in front of my face. I was already uncomfortable with being here in the first place, then he turns around and does this? At this point, I don't even think I'm mad at him because I want him because I don't. I don't think I like Alex as anything more than a friend. What I'm pissed about is that he's being a really bad friend. He's leaving me out and letting me be uncomfortable while he's busy playing and flirting with girls. He already knew how uncomfortable I was with being here in the first freaking place. Wow, just when I thought he was done being an asshole.

Amber pushes the light-skinned girl off Alex's shoulders and she makes a big splash when she hits the water. Water splashes all over my legs and my arms. He looks over at me and for a split second, our eyes meet. But I look away from him with such intensity that lets him know that I'm PISSED. "Hold on guys…one minute." He puts the next game of Chicken on pause before it even starts and starts wading in the water over to me. I bite my bottom lip out of frustration and look away from him. I don't want to hear a damn word he has to say. "What's wrong with you?" He asks, as soon as she gets over to me. He puts his hands on either side of me and rests his chin on my kneecap. I don't say anything to him. "Jooooo?" I still don't say anything. I'm freakishly good at giving people the silent treatment. That's another thing about me. I can go pretty long without talking to you once you've pissed me off. It's a talent, really. I once went an entire week without speaking to my dad once because he wouldn't let me get my bellybutton pierced. "Jo, what's the matter?" I still don't say anything. He sighs. "Jo, you're my best friend right now… I don't want you to be mad at me. So whatever I did to make you pissed at me, I'm sorry…alright?" I roll my eyes at him. "Come on Jo, this isn't fair." I turn my head and look at him but I still don't say anything. He's looking up at me and I'm looking down at him. "Why are you pissed at me?"

"…Why the hell are you flirting with those girls?" I cross my arms and bawl my hands into fists to keep myself at bay. Because really, I could punch him in his face right now if I wanted to. "You're so fucking…." I surprise myself at what comes out of my mouth. I don't cuss much, so when I do, it's usually because I'm pissed off to the point of no return. It always surprises me when I drop the f-bomb though, because I'm not usually such a foul-mouth.

"Woah….woah." He takes his chin off my knee and wrinkles his eyebrows. "Who's flirting?!"

"You are!" I raise my voice a little bit at him. "You're such a freaking flirt Alex and I can't stand it. You're acting like an immature little boy that can't keep it in his pants and it's so freaking annoying. Like what's the reason you have for flirting with those girls? Really, what's the reasoning? Just when I think you're done acting like an asshole…"

"Jo, NOBODY is flirting with ANYBODY, you've got it all wrong." He shakes his head at me. "I'm just being nice! I'm not flirting with them….those are little girls. I'm not trying to go to jail, what the hell? I'm a flirt because I agreed to play a game with them? I'm a flirt because I'm being nice? You're the one that told me I should be nicer to people, the only reason I'm nice is because of you! Now you're going to accuse me of flirting? What the hell is your issue here?"

"I know the difference between flirting and being nice, Alex…and you were flirting. God, I don't even know why I let you drag me here. I didn't want to be here in the first place!"

"Jo…why the hell do you care so much?" He's really mad at me, I can tell. "If I was flirting with them—which I was not, let's get that straight right now—why would you even give a damn? Why do you even care what I do? Who I flirt with and who I kiss and who I'm involved with and who I have sex with is NOT your business. You've got this all messed up. Why do you even care?!"

"I don't." I shake my head. _That's a stone cold lie, I think. I'm not entirely sure why I care so much, but I do care. I don't know why I care who he flirts with because I know that it's really not my business who he flirts with. I just don't understand why I care. _"I just think it's pretty freaking rude that you ditch your so-called 'best friend' just to go flirt with some girls, especially when your best friend didn't even want to be here in the first place. You're being a bad best friend."

"I wasn't flirting! Dear god, woman!" He grits his teeth and if I didn't know any better, I'd say he was going to hit me. "I know…you're uncomfortable with being here. But come on, Jo…I don't want to be here either. I can't take care of you when I'm trying to take care of myself. Did you ever think that I'm uncomfortable here too? I haven't seen my mom in years…I met my little sister ONCE when she was an infant. I'm uncomfortable too. I'm trying to make the best of it though. And I'd like to make the best of it WITHOUT my best friend copping an attitude with me for no reason. Because you're mad for no reason right now, Jo. Really, you are. You should look at yourself. You're pissed for no reason at all."

"There is a reason. I just feel like you're leaving me out, Alex. You know…you _should _know that I'm not a real social person. You just left me….you left me in the house while I had to use the bathroom, you're busy playing games and I'm just sitting here because this isn't comfortable for me. There's a reason. Don't make it seem like I'm mad for no reason."

"Alright, damn." He wraps his hands around my feet and starts rubbing them. "I'm sorry then. I'm sorry. Can you just stop being pissed at me?" He looks up at me with literal sorrow written across his face. I nod my head. He's sorry. And I guess I should forgive him. I have to be honest though. I don't think him being a bad friend has anything to do with the fact that I'm pissed. I think I'm so angry because it seemed to me like he was flirting. I'm not sure though. "Are you going to get in the pool?" He squeezes the heels of my feet in his hands.

"I don't have a swimsuit."

"And?"

"And I'm not getting my clothes wet." I let go of the side of the pool and tuck my hair behind my ears. It's so hot outside today that I'm literally so sweaty. "Plus, I really don't want to swim." I put my tongue in my cheek. That's not a lie though. I don't want to swim. I'm not in the mood to get wet today. Because swimming means that the entire hour and a half I spent straightening my hair last night would be wasted.

"Mhm." He lets my feet go and puts his arms on the edge of the pool. He jumps up and pulls himself out of the pool using only his upper body muscles. "Hey Amber!" He shouts at Amber and she looks up from talking to her group of friends. "Jo wants to play in the next game, okay?!" I look up at him with wide, worried eyes.

"ALEX, DON'T YOU DARE!" I caution him as I try to start removing myself from the situation by sliding away from him. With a menacing smile on his face as he's looking down at me, he puts his hands underneath my armpits and lifts me up like I'm nothing but a sack of feathers to him. He hoists me over his shoulder effortlessly. "ALEX! ALEX, PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!" He holds me around my legs so I can't get down but I'm secure over his shoulder. I reach my hands down and start punching him in his buttcheeks. "PUT ME DOWN, I'M NOT KIDDING! PUT ME DOWN! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Oooh…" He says with mock surprise in his voice. "You're kinky. I didn't know you were like that." He chuckles and starts walking with me over his shoulder. Since he wants to make everything so freaking dirty, I stop punching his butt and start punching his lower back and kicking my feet. He walks with me over his shoulder, down towards the deep end. "Bombs away!" He starts shifting my body, but of course, before he throws me in, he has to get a slap at my ass.

"HEY!" Is all I can get out before he literally THROWS me like I'm a baseball, down into the pool water. I pinch my nose shut with my index finger and my thumb and let out a shrieky scream as I hit the water. God, the water is freaking FREEZING. It feels good though. I'm sweaty and hot so it feels pretty good actually. I take my fingers away from my nose and start kicking myself up to the surface. I bounce on my toes to stay afloat in the deep end as I start to swim over towards him. "YOU BETTER SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN TONIGHT!" He's standing on the outside of the pool with his hands on his hips, hysterically laughing. _I'm going to kill him dead. _I hold my breath and put my head underwater so I can swim over to him. I kick my legs and weave my arms through the water and when I reach the wall, I pop my head up. He's not there anymore. Out of breath from swimming, I look around for him. I don't see him at all. "…Alex?" I keep looking around. "Alex?" I brace myself against the wall with one hand and use the other to move my hair out of my face. "Alex…where the hell…."

"Gotta be quicker than that, A-cup." He pops up in the water behind me and puts his hands on top of my head to dunk me. I hold my breath as I go down. When he lets me up for air, I spit some water at him. _My stomach feels funny like it did last night. _I don't think I'm going to throw up this time around because it's not as strong as it was last night. But it feels like something's swimming around, fuzzy and fluttering in my belly. Unlike last night though, it's actually a pretty pleasant feeling. "If I'm flirting…" His voice trails off as his hands graze my hips under the water. "Trust me, you'll know…" His hands touch my butt and squeeze it just for a second. "Because this is how I flirt." He kisses my cheek for like a second and swims away.

I squint my eyes, shake my head and follow him. When I catch up to him, I put my hands on his shoulders and he actually lets me wrap my legs around his waist so I can ride on his back. I wrap my arms around his neck as well. "Since when'd you start calling me A-cup?"

"Since I realized that best friends need nicknames." All of a sudden, he's not even flirty with me anymore. It's so weird how he goes from being playful to serious in a matter of seconds. It's like he doesn't allow himself to flirt with me or something and I don't get it. "And I can't really see myself calling you something like 'Jojo' or 'Joey'." His hands lock underneath my legs for extra security. "Plus, you have tiny tits, so I just went off that."

I can't help but laugh. "…So if I called you… 'pencil-dick', you wouldn't be mad? Because we're best friends?" I reason. "Because I can't call you Big Al or Ally…can I?" I mimic him. "Plus you have a pencil dick, so I just went off that."

"Why you always gotta bust my balls?"

"You told me I have small boobs…and I'm far from an A-cup, so I think I'm just in busting your balls."

"New nickname for you….I'm gonna call you ballbuster."

"That has a nice ring to it."


	18. Confusion

**A/N:** Chapter is pretty long, so don't read unless you have time lol.

Little bit of **M **rated stuff in this chapter.

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"She's really pretty…are you sure she's not your girlfriend?" I roll my eyes at her question as I sit down at the kitchen table. She's sitting down across from where I sat down at, peeling potatoes. It looks like that's one thing about her that hasn't changed. I still remember her being an excellent cook. She didn't cook much and there were nights when I either ate cheap takeout that made my stomach hurt or I ate nothing at all. But I do remember that when she did cook, she'd make a whole platter of delicious, amazing food. She used to bake too. She'd bake everything from scratch, nothing was boxed. Her sugar cookies were to die for but her red velvet was my favorite. She knew just how to make the cream cheese icing so thick and not too sweet. I pick up a salt shaker that's shaped like an apple off the table and play with it since I have nothing else better to do than deflect her question about Jo being my girlfriend. I don't know how many times I have to tell them that she's not my girlfriend. "Does she already have a boyfriend? What's the reason you two aren't together?" She peels a large potato like it's second nature and puts it in the big glass bowl of water along with the other potatoes that she already peeled.

"She's just my friend. She's my _best _friend actually. And we work as friends and we're both on the same page with the fact that we don't want to chance it and mess it up." I tell just a little white lie to get her off my case. Just once, for longer than an hour, I don't want to think about Jo. I don't want to think about how beautiful she is, I don't want to think about how happy hearing her voice makes me, I don't want to think about how I just wanted to turn around and kiss her when she hugged me earlier and I especially don't want to think about how damn sexy she looked while she was wet from that pool water. I don't want to think about Jo and the possibility of her being my girlfriend because we're not like that. She's not into me and I refuse to be into a girl that isn't into me. "She is pretty though, isn't she?" I put the salt shaker back down and sigh.

"She's VERY pretty." She picks up another unpeeled potato and goes to town on it. "And she's polite, too. She comes from good people, I can tell. And she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. I could tell just from talking to her that she's smart. She's a good kid." She puts the peeled potato in the water and doesn't say anything else about it. I sigh just thinking about how true everything she said about Jo is. She is pretty and she is polite. She's got a good head on her shoulders, she's smarter than I could ever hope to be. She's a good person. But she and I could never be. I've already settled for being her friend. "So what's been going on, Alex?" She picks up a cigarette from the white pack on the table and lights it up. She takes a drag of it, blows out the smoke and puts it in the ashtray. "How've you been?" The weird thing about my mom is that she's the same, even after all these years. She always knows when I have something on my mind to tell her and she's always open to listen. She wasn't always around for me to talk to her but when I did, she was ready to listen.

"Nothing, really." I shrug my shoulders and run my finger along the pattern of the kitchen table. This house is so much different from the last time I've been here. The last time I was here was 16 years ago and no parts of this house were the way they are now. First of all, the kitchen wasn't this nice. The kitchen was full of old, rundown furnishings because my mom's husband used to slaughter the pigs and the chickens outside in the yard and he'd drag them in the house bloody. I think when they shut the farm down, they decided that they could have nicer things because there wasn't any blood, manure or mud to track in anymore. The setup of the house is pretty much the same but all the furniture is new for me and the pool out back was added. "I've been alright, ma…how about you?"

"I've been well." She snuffs out the flame of her cigarette in the ashtray and takes a sip of soda from the can of Pepsi sitting in front of her. That's one thing about her that is different from the last time I saw her. She never used to smoke. Her smoking habit is relatively new for me. "…Six years sober…" She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and looks down at the table as well. I got that from her. When the both of us get nervous about something, we look down at the ground and focus on something else that isn't even relevant to the conversation. I got that from her, I guess. "Haven't touched anything in six years. Almost seven, actually."

"Really?" I look up from the table and find that she's not looking at me. I remember when pop told me she went to rehab. Hard to believe that it was six years ago. Six years ago, Amber would've been 11. I feel bad for her. I mean, I know what it's like to have grown up without a mother and it sucks but I imagine it sucked worse for Amber to have been without her mother for three months when she's had her since day one. I make a mental note to talk to Amber about that later. I do remember when pop told me that she went into rehab though. I was proud of her for it, but not too proud because it wouldn't have been the first time she tried to get clean. I was REAL proud when she called me three months later to tell me she actually completed the program this time. I sent her some money through Western Union to congratulate her. "That's great, mom… Proud of you."

"You're a big part of the reason I stuck with getting clean, Ally." I cringe when she calls me "Ally". I used to be alright with her calling me that all the way up until I was five when I realized that it was a girl's name. That hasn't changed about me. I still cringe when she calls me that. "I didn't want to be the same mother to Amber that I was to you….you know?" Her voice is low and monotonous. I think she might cry. I just nod my head. "Don's different from your dad. I could go and I knew that he'd be waiting for me with my baby girl once I got out…I didn't have that with your dad. Don understood that the addiction wasn't something I could've helped…he wasn't like your dad was."

"Don't badmouth pop, mom." I shake my head at her. "Where would I be without him?"

"I'm not badmouthing your father." She contends. "I wouldn't. Your dad had a thousand horrible qualities about him but he was an excellent father. I thank him every day for what he did with you. He did so well with you. I wouldn't badmouth him." She clears her throat. "I'm just saying that Don wasn't like him. Don actually loved me and I loved him. He would've waited for me. He understood what battling addiction meant. He wasn't an addict, but his father was. He understood what it meant to have support. I don't think your father would've waited for me…and I don't think I would've wanted him to. Your father and I didn't love each other the way me and Don do."

"You and dad did the best you could do." I put my tongue in my cheek and sigh. I do believe that she and pop did the best they could do. They were young and they never meant to have to be involved with each other longer than that one night. They weren't in love with each other. They didn't meant to be stuck together but they were. They had me. If anything, it's my fault that things ended up as shitty as they were. If they never had me…they would've never had to deal with each other. "You really don't think there was any kind of love there with you and pop?"

"There was some love there after the fact." She nods her head. "There was love for him being your father. There was love there for the fact that I got knocked up to the guy. But…" She sighs and looks directly in my eyes. "Look at me, Alexander." I do. I look at her like she asked. "Love isn't always enough…you hear me?" I nod. "You can love someone with all your heart and sometimes, that's still not enough to be satisfied and happy. Sometimes, love means you have to let someone go because it's the best for them. I did love your dad and your dad loved me. But our love wasn't enough to make us happy. Our love was strong enough to know that all we did was hurt each other. I didn't want him to hurt anymore and he didn't want me to hurt anymore and most of all, we didn't want YOU to hurt anymore. So if you don't learn anything else from me, learn that sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes love means stepping back from a situation because it's the right thing to do. Sometimes love is walking away."

"Is that why you walked away? From me?" I lick my lips and take a breath. I feel like I might cry so I have to stop the tears before they even form. I knew that visiting my mom meant a lot of old issues were going to be dug up and rehashed but I didn't expect for it to be this painful…to hear her tell me about everything I already knew. About how she left, how she was addicted, about how she needed support that pop wasn't giving. "You said sometimes love is waking away… so is that why you left? And moved?" I really didn't know how much this stuff still bothered me. I didn't realize how much this crap from my childhood still weighed on my conscience. I didn't realize how much I wanted answers…

"At the time…" She looks at me with a sorrowful look on her face. "At the time, I knew you didn't need me. Alex, I was young…I was 30. I was young, I was selfish, I was dumb, I knew nothing about being a mother and worst of all, I was an addict. I didn't know much about being a mom but I knew that you didn't deserve me. You deserved better than what I could give at the time. I regret it every single day of my life. I regret the fact that I couldn't be a better mother to you but I don't regret leaving the way I did. I cried about you every night. I just wanted to hold you…play with you. I wanted you to be here with me every second of every day. But in hindsight, I didn't have any business parenting you. I was putting drugs before you…I didn't deserve to be your mother. I'm glad you didn't come with me. I'm glad your father kept you. I don't know what the hell would've happened to you if you came to Kansas with me back then."

"You could've gotten clean in Iowa though. I did need you…" _Maybe if I had you in my life, I wouldn't be so screwed up. Maybe if you were there to teach me how to do a lot of things, my girlfriend wouldn't have cheated on me. I don't know…I needed you though, mom. I needed you. _"There were a lot of things I missed out on."

"I know." She doesn't even try to rebuke. She accepts my critique, which is new. She wouldn't have done this years ago. "You have every right to be angry Alex. You have every right to hate me, just a little. I wasn't a good mom to you and that makes you angry. I wasn't ready to be a mother to anyone, up until six years ago. You can be angry Alex…go ahead." She quickly wipes away a tear that slides out of her eye. "I can't imagine why you wouldn't be angry. I can't imagine why you'd still have any amount of love in your body for me. I gotta be honest…"

"You're my mom…why wouldn't I love you?" I raise my eyebrow at her. She wasn't the greatest….she was pretty horrible. But she's my mother. I still came from her and she still gave birth to me. No matter what, she's my mother. And I love her to death, even though she probably doesn't deserve it. "It wasn't always bad." I bite my bottom lip. "You and pop just choose to dwell on the fact that you were a cheater, the time when you left me waiting outside at football practice. You and pop just choose to dwell on those things. It's like nobody cares about the good times. You and pop dwell on the bad, but for the last 20 years, I've just remembered the good. I remember you used to bake cupcakes to for me to pass out to my class on my every birthday…you never missed one. You used to let me pick out toys if I was good in the store. You used to let me beat you in Pole Position on the Joystick all the time. And I remember pop used to get mad at me for jumping on the bed, so when he would leave for work, you'd jump on the bed with me. We'd play the monkey game…remember? And you used to check under my bed for monsters. And I was so scared of getting head lice when that outbreak happened at school so every night for two months, I'd make you check my hair for lice…and you never complained. And I used to get mad at you because you'd kiss me in front of my friends. But you'd always tell me that I—"

"Never knew if it was the last time I was ever going to be able to kiss you." She finishes my thought and smiles so wide that her laugh lines emerge in her cheeks and I can see the tears welling up in her eyes. "You remember that?"

"Yeah." I nod my head. "It wasn't always bad, mom… I remember a lot of stuff about you and not all of it is bad. And despite what you think…pop never let me badmouth you. No matter how mad and angry I was about you leaving, he never let me say a bad word about you." I reach across the table and hold her hand. I remember back when I was little, she always told me that someday, my hands were gonna be bigger than hers. I always thought she was full of shit but here it is, true as day. My hands are ten times bigger than hers. "And pop never did blame you…for the addiction, I mean. He never really did blame you. He always told me that it was accident…" I clear my throat. "He never told me why it was an accident, he just told me that it was."

"He never told you?" She asks. I shake my head. "…It sort of was an accident, but I don't know how accidental it was for me to keep taking them." She mutters. "You remember when you were three…" She stops herself. "You probably don't remember… so I'll just…" She sighs. "When I was teenager, my friend Bonnie, her boyfriend Kirk and my other friend Drew…we were smoking…marijuana." She clarifies and I nod. Pop never told me the story of how my mom became an addict because he never found it necessary to tell me and truthfully, I never asked. I just didn't know there actually was a story behind it. "And we drove home from a party. Bonnie was driving and she was stoned and we wrecked…it was a pretty bad wreck. Bonnie ended up dying, Kirk was paralyzed and Drew's pretty alright to this day, he walks with a limp. Me? I ended up with bad back problems." She explains. "Anyway, when you were three, I had undergone surgery for my back and everything went well. The doctor had put me on oxycodone for the pain…and it took off from there. I got addicted."

"So I guess it really wasn't your fault." I mumble.

"It was my choice to keep taking the pills though Alex, I'm not making excuses." She drums her fingers along the kitchen table. "That's one of the first things they teach you in treatment…don't make excuses for your actions." The two of us don't say anything after she says that. I never knew that she didn't exactly choose to get addicted to pills. I was three when she started apparently, so I guess I wouldn't have known. But still. I came here halfway expecting to fuel some of the anger I have towards her, but talking to her made me realize that some of the things that went on, I can't be mad about. Everything she says makes sense to me in a way. Like how she left because she didn't want me and pop to keep getting hurt. And how she realized that me moving with her to Kansas would've been a mistake. I didn't really expect to get a little bit of closure out of talking to her. "Well anyway…" She sighs like she just lifted a weight off her chest. "Let me get these potatoes on." She stands up from her spot at the table and picks up the bowl of peeled potatoes. "Meatloaf and mashed potatoes…is that still your favorite?"

I stand up and start cleaning up the potato skins for her. "Yeah." I nod. "I haven't had meatloaf and mashed potatoes in a long time though…geez." I grab the trashcan and start sweeping the skins into it. "How much does Amber need for books, before I forget to leave it…"

"Don went online and did a price estimate, all her books should come to about $636." She starts filling up a pot with water so she can boil it. $636 isn't bad at all. I was kind of expecting them to ask me for like a grand or something. I can give her $636 bucks right now. "Thanks for helping, by the way." She puts the pot of water on the stove. "We paid for her housing and her meal plan already but the books…we can't swing the books. Apparently, FAFSA thinks we make too much money and they're not helping us out with much. I really thought we were going to be okay on money as long as I kept picking up extra shifts at the hospital and as long as Don taught summer classes…but right now, it's either the water bill or Amber's books…" I put the garbage can back down. "And she's a smart kid…she's so bright. I'd hate for her not to be able to go just because we can't swing money for her damn books."

"I'm happy to help." I lean against the kitchen counter and watch her while she cooks. It just brings back memories of when I was little. She used to let me bring a truck or something in the kitchen to play with while she cooked because I was a bad kid and couldn't keep my fingers out the electric sockets when she wasn't looking, so she made me sit in the kitchen with her while she cooked. "She seems like a good kid. She's...friendly." I search for the right word to use in my head and "friendly" is the only thing I could come up with. "What's she going to school for?"

"Physical therapy."

"Sweet." I shift my weight on my leg and keep watching her while she starts seasoning ground beef to make the meatloaf. "Her and Jo probably do have a lot to talk about then, no wonder they hit it off." After Amber's friends went home, Amber dragged Jo upstairs to her bedroom and lord knows what the two of them are talking about or doing up in there. I turn my head and look at the pictures on the fridge. Amber's volleyball picture, Amber's cheerleading picture and her softball picture. A very old football picture of me. A picture that I made in school a long time ago for Mother's Day. A picture that Amber made for Mother's Day too.

"Jo…does she go to school?" She's forming the ground beef into meatloaf so she can stick it in the oven to bake. "She's awfully young, isn't she? Is she in school? How'd you meet her?"

"She worked in dad's store, that's how I met her." I look away from the stove and back at the fridge. "She graduated from college already…got a degree in something called Biochemistry." I pretend to be real interested in the pictures on the fridge. "She wants to go to med school though. She graduated from…uh…Princeton. She graduated from Princeton and she got into Harvard's medical program." I feel this warm sensation in my chest…like I'm bragging about her. I'm proud of her, I guess. "She's real smart…got an IQ like Einstein, could get into MENSA if she applied…Jo's smart."

"Princeton?" She whips around with her hands covered in ground beef slime and her jaw drops. "You mean like…the Ivy League Princeton University? And HARVARD? Like… Harvard, Harvard? Ivy League Harvard? Why didn't she say anything?"

"Yeah." I nod my head. "Jo's smart as a whip… she doesn't like to brag about it so she wouldn't tell you unless you asked…She's not braggy. But she's smart as hell." I like bragging about Jo. She doesn't brag about herself. I don't know why, but she never seems like she's proud of herself. She downplays the fact that she's smart and went to the Ivy League. I don't know why. But somebody ought to be proud of her, so I'll be proud. "Speaking of…I should probably go see if she's okay. I should go rescue her from Amber, huh?" She got mad at me while we were down in the pool for leaving her. She said I was being a bad friend. I didn't really think I was, I just thought I was trying to make the most out of it. But I guess if she said something, I must've been being a bad friend. Honestly, to me, it seemed like she was mad at me because she thought I was flirting with Amber's friends. I know that's crazy, but that's what it seemed like. Now that I think back about it, I realize how foolish that sounds. Jo wouldn't get jealous of me with other girls. She doesn't even like me in that way. She was mad at me for being a bad friend, not mad at me for "flirting." I wasn't flirting, by the way. I did notice that Amber's little friends were all over me. They thought I was hot and when I was walking back to the house after all the fun was over, I heard the black-haired one say "Amber, your brother is going to be my husband one day". But I wasn't flirting with those girls. First of all, they're like 17 or 18 years old. They're WAY too young for me. Second of all, they weren't even cute. Third of all, there's only one girl that was sitting poolside with me that I'd ever do anything with and she's not interested in me. I was just trying to be nice. I just know how much Jo doesn't like it when I'm mean to people so I was making a conscious effort to be nice. Trust me, if I was flirting with those girls, Jo would've known. Everyone would've known. I flirt out in the open, I don't hide anything. If I flirt with a girl, she's going to be well aware of it. "I'll be back…I'm gonna go see what's going on upstairs."

"Alright. Dinner will be done in a little."

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**Jo's Point of View.**

"Did you play any sports in high school?" She squirms around a little bit like she's been doing this entire time. I've learned how to adjust to it whenever she needs to move around. So like I've been doing for the last hour, I stop painting until she's comfortable again. Once she's still, I dip the brush back in the dark red bottle of nail polish and start painting her toenail again. I shake my head to answer her question and keep my hand steady while I paint. I have very, very steady hands. I'm kind of proud of that fact because after all, if I'm going to be a surgeon someday, I'm going to have to have steady hands. "I played volleyball, softball and I was a cheerleader. I wanted to run track but it conflicted with softball, so I couldn't. Why didn't you play any sports?" She leans over on her dresser and grabs her cell phone, so I take a break from painting again. I really like Amber and all and she's super nice, but she's starting to annoy me. I could've been done painting her toenails like ten minutes ago if she would just stop moving around so damn much.

"I'm not very athletic." She's still again so I resume painting. I admit that this is the most fun I've had with a girl in a very long time. I've never done this before. The whole, nail painting, girl talk, listening to music while we chat? I've never done this before. I didn't have friends like this growing up and I've only been to one slumber party, and that's only because the girl was picking on me so her mother made her invite me. I didn't even slumber at the party. I left at like nine o'clock. I called my mom and she came and got me. This must be what it's like to have girlfriends. So far, Amber's put a braid in my hair, painted my fingernails and my toenails and she's asked me too many questions I can't count. Sometimes a question will pop into my head that I want to ask her though, so it's not too one-sided. "Did you go to your senior prom?" I ask her. I'm finally done painting her nails, so I screw the top back on the nail polish bottle. She pulls her feet away from me and admires my paint job.

"Yes! Prom was so much fun." She takes the bottle of nail polish from me and puts it on her nightstand. "We had it at this place that had a river next to the hall, so we went outside and we took pictures by the river. It was so pretty. I would kill to go back to prom. I went to prom my sophomore year, my junior year and my senior year. Senior year was the best though, hands down." She starts scrolling through her cell phone. "Did you go to prom? Ever?"

"Nope. I wasn't the prom type either. Nobody ever asked me so I just never went." I start looking around her room for the millionth time in the hour. I can't help it though. Her room is spectacular. The walls are bright pink and the carpets are clean and white. She has purple rugs all over her floor and her bed is so high off the ground that I need a stepstool to get on and off it. Her sheets and her quilt are pink cheetah print and her bed has a white canopy over it. On her walls are various posters of bands, some of them I recognize and some I don't. I look around and pick out the posters of the bands and singers that I recognize. I know Green Day, The Goo Goo Dolls, Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, Eminem, Maroon 5, Ed Sheeran, Kelly Clarkson…I think that's Drake, Justin Bieber, Carrie Underwood and Nicki Minaj…I think that's One Direction but I've never heard a song sung by them. Blake Shelton and Beyonce. That's all the people hanging on her walls that I recognize. "Your room is really nice."

"Thanks…I have to start packing it up soon…for college." She turns some music on her phone and puts it down. "I can't believe you've never been to prom though… You're like…model pretty. I thought you'd at least would've been to a prom before."

"I wasn't pretty in high school though, that's the thing." I pick up the loose strands of the French braid she put in my hair and play with it. "I was just awkward. I wasn't in the popular clique. High school was different for me than it was to you."

"You're not much older than me though." She leans forward and lies down on her stomach. "You're pretty now though, so at least you made up for it."

"Thanks." I giggle.

"No seriously Jo…I wouldn't mind looking like you. You're seriously so pretty. My friends were like, 'damn, your brother knows how to pick 'em because she's real pretty!' I wouldn't mind looking like you…I love your hair and your eyes are real pretty too." I feel my cheeks redden. She's so sweet. "You've probably had a bunch of boyfriends though, right?"

"No, actually." I shake my head. "I had one, back when I was in college. And he wasn't very nice."

"What do you mean by that?" She presses the issue just a little bit.

"He was just a jerk. He wanted everything his way, that's all." I clean it up to make it sound better than what it actually was.

"…He ever hit you?" She asks but the tone of her voice is low, suggesting that she might be embarrassed about something.

"Once." I pull my legs up into my chest and rest my chin on my kneecap.

"…What did you do? Did you just…like…hope he'd stop? Or did you break up with him?"

"He broke up with me, actually…but I would've done it anyway." I flip my bangs out of my face. For the first time since I've been talking to her in an hour, she's quiet and not as lively as she once was. Her eyes are fixated on her quilt and she's unenergetic. "…Did you tell your mom and dad?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Did he ever stop?" She shakes her head again. "Did you…want him to?" She nods. "Is he still doing it?" She nods. "Why don't you break up with him?" My heart starts to ache for this little girl. I feel like she's my little sister…she doesn't budge. "Amber." Still nothing. "Amber." She finally looks up at me. "Sweetie, you have to tell somebody. You're not a punching bag…you don't have to accept that."

"He's not doing it to me anymore…" She swallow and looks away from me. "My friend Gabby…I tried to warn her before she got with him but she didn't want to hear it. He's doing it to her now…not me." She sighs. "My dad found out and flipped. He saw it…I was getting in the car so he could drive me home from school and he punched me. My dad saw it and he freaked out…got him expelled from school and made me break up with him and got a PFA. My mom made me go to these counseling classes too." She feels comfortable enough to look me in my eye again. "I was so relieved, Jo. Like…when my dad made me break up with him, I was so happy. I wanted to do it for a long time but I didn't know how. And I didn't want to tell my parents, just in case he found out. He always said he'd kill himself if I broke up with him. Now he's with my friend Gabby and he hits her too. I feel…guilty. Like it's my fault or something."

"You can't help people that don't want to be helped. You warned her and that's all you can do." I reach out and touch the crown of her head. She's not much younger than me but I still feel like she's my baby sister and I have to protect her for some reason. She's so sweet. Nobody should lay a hand on her. "You shouldn't feel guilty…I know it's easier said than done, but really. You shouldn't feel guilty. It's her issue. She chose not to listen." I start playing with her bangs. "Um…you have a boyfriend now, don't you?" She nods. "And he's nice, right?" She nods again. "That's all that counts. At least you moved on to someone better."

"Did you move on to someone better?" She perks her head up and cracks a smile. I know what she's implying. I playfully roll my eyes at her and shake my head. "Come on…you can't tell me that you're not into my brother. Alex is a catch! He's strong, he's got money, he's successful… what's not to love? I've only heard stories about him since I was little and I can still tell that he's a great catch. You should just date him. Date the shit out of him."

"I don't like him though. He's just my friend." With a giddy smile on my face, I keep shaking my head at her. "What kind of stories have you heard about him?"

"Oh, my mom's always bragging about him. She's always telling me and my dad about how smart he is, how sweet he is." _Alex, sweet? HAH! _"She buys all his books. I used to sneak and read the bad ones that my mom wouldn't let me read. He's such a great catch. Please date my brother, Jo. You guys might as well just be dating already." I laugh at her. "I'm serious! Y'all two were SO flirting in the pool earlier. Nobody else saw it, but I did. He was all smiley while you were on his back. And his hand "accidentally" slipped on your ass a bunch of times. I totally saw it. I was like MHM. DATE!" She's really pushing for me to date Alex. I don't know why she wants us to date so badly. It doesn't affect her life much if we do or if we don't. "What kind of friends touch each other's asses? And he kissed you! I saw it…right on your cheek. There's definitely something going on between you two. Please just date…date him. You guys have to get married so you can be my sister-in-law."

My eyes get SO big. "Whoa…whoa. Who said anything about getting married!?" I lean back on the bed and laugh so hard that my stomach muscles hurt. "We are friends, Amber…friends." I can't with her right now. I just can't. She's so funny. "Your brother makes me throw up. Literally, he makes me puke. He's my very good friend…that's all. Don't bank on us, kid…okay?"

"Did you kiss him before? I could so tell that you guys kissed before. I could see it." She's still so adamant about this. "Did you guys like…try to date already and it didn't work? So you guys decided to be friends?" I just laugh. "You guys were probably young at the time. Date again, it'll work this time."

"…Yes." I admit. "Don't tell anybody and don't even tell him I told you about it, okay?"

"YOU GUYS DATED BEFORE?!"

"NO!" I pop my head up. "No…I was saying yes that we kissed before." I clarify. "We kissed a couple times before, actually. But—"

"Was it with tongue?" She digs for details.

"Yes." I nod. "Yes, we've tongue kissed. We tongue kissed twice. But the first time, he pulled away and he left me in the room and it was awkward. Then we kissed again but then I pulled away and it was awkward again. So we're just better off as friends, okay?"

"Why'd you pull away? Did you not want to kiss him?"

"No, I did… I did want to kiss him but…" I can't believe I'm sitting here telling his sister about all of this. Have I lost my sanity? "Don't tell him any of this, okay? What's said in this room stays in this room, got that?" She nods with an eager smile on her face. "I kissed him first. But I started feeling weird while we kissed and my stomach felt weird and I had to throw up all of a sudden. That's why I pulled away."

"What kind of feeling? Like…how did you feel weird?"

"Um…I felt like there was something in my stomach. My head was spinning and I felt so weird. I don't know. It kind of felt like there was something swimming around in my stomach and it made me sick." I bite my lip and try my best to explain the way I felt when I kissed Alex to her.

"…Awwww, JO!" She springs forward and dives on my body, literally. She puts her arms around me and squeezes me. "HE GAVE YOU BUTTERFLIES! YOU FELT THE BUTTERFLIES IN YOUR BELLY!" _Is that what that was? No. Can't be. I don't like Alex as anything more than a friend. They weren't butterflies. I just felt sick, that's all. _"You two just need to DATE each other. Why won't you date?!"

"Yeah, well….ask your brother." I mumble. "I'm not serious…don't ask him. Don't even tell him we talked about this. Don't tell him anything."

"I won't. I can keep secrets. But…you're gonna have to excuse me when I'm sitting across the dinner table from you, smiling like an idiot. Okay?"

I giggle. "Okay." I sigh and look around the room again. "Um…I want to take a shower now…where's the bathroom?" She asked me a while ago if I wanted to take a shower and I told her not yet. I didn't want to take one until it was closer to when I was going to go to sleep for the night, but I can't stand smelling like chlorine and pool water anymore. I'm ready to take one now.

"Okay, come on…I'll get you a towel and stuff." She slides down off her bed and puts on her slippers. I get down off the bed and follow her. "I think Alex put your clothes in the guest room, so when you get out, just walk right across the hall…it's the room right across from the bathroom." She's talking to me while she's leading me to the bathroom. I just listen and follow her. She opens up the door to the bathroom and turns on the lights. I step inside and look around. The shower is really big. Literally, ten people could fit comfortably in the shower. The door is made of clear glass but there's a curtain to cover it as well. "You can use the shampoo and conditioner hanging up in the caddy. The soaps are on the shelf in the shower…um…" She trails off, thinking of anything else she needs to tell me. "Make sure the vent stays open or the smoke detector will go off. And make sure you keep the curtain shut with the door, otherwise water will get out onto the floor." She reaches in a closet and hands me a dark blue towel and a white washcloth. "Here."

"Thanks." I put the towel and the washcloth down on the back of the toilet seat and start taking my hair out of the braid she put it in. She turns around and leaves, shutting the bathroom door behind her. I start taking off my clothes, which are sticking to my body because I was soaking wet from the pool. I don't think I lied to Amber, by the way. I really do think that Alex and I are just friends. We hug and we kiss yes, but I just think those two times were lapses of judgment. I don't think the kisses and the hug meant anything. We're friends. He's not interested in me. He kissed my cheek in the pool…but that didn't mean anything either. And the two times he touched my butt meant nothing either. He was just being friendly. We're friends. Nothing more, nothing less. He told me that I'm his best friend. We work as friends. I slide open the shower door and stare at the nozzle to figure out how to work it. Once I've got it figured out, I turn it on and turn the heat up on high, only putting just a little bit of cold water in the mix.

I step inside the shower, shut the door and pull the curtain back as well.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I lightly jog up the stairs and round the corner to Amber's room. She and Jo must be having loads of fun because I haven't heard anything from the two of them for the entire time me and mom were talking. If Jo's still having fun hanging out with Amber, I won't bother her. I just want to make sure she's not pissed at me for some reason again. She got pissed the last time I left her, down at the pool. I knock on her door twice and listen until I hear a faint, "come in." I twist the knob and open the door. She's lying down in her bed watching Friends and playing around on her laptop. There's no sign of Jo in here. Where the hell could she have even gone? Maybe she's in the guest room lying down or something, I don't know. "Where's Jo at?" I ask her, just barely leaning into her room. It's so girly in here. There are various shades of pink and purple all over the place. It looks like The Sugarplum Fairy threw up in here. For some reason that I don't know, Amber is looking at me with the stupidest little smirk on her face. It's like she knows something that I don't know. "What?" I mumble. It's funny how Amber and I hardly know each other but she's still annoying me in the way a sister would annoy a brother. I think sibling annoyance and disputes are inborn. She shakes her head at me and stops smirking. "Where's Jo at?" I ask again.

"She's taking a shower." She says and turns her attention back to whatever she's doing on the laptop. My sister is such a little weirdo. I close her door like it was before I came in it and turn to see if she's done in the shower yet. I go back to the guest room, where I put our clothes and knock. I don't hear anybody say anything so I open the door. She's not in here and her bag of clothes is still sitting on the bed in the same place I put it a while ago. I shut the guest room door and walk across the hall to the bathroom. I knock on the bathroom door but again, I hear nothing. I put my ear to the door. The shower water is still running, I can hear it. I put my hand on the doorknob and twist it. I know I probably shouldn't go in the bathroom while she's taking a shower but really, I can't help myself. I open the door slowly so she won't be able to hear it and step inside. I twist the knob so the latch is inside, so it won't make a noise while I shut it. I shut the door and stand near the bathroom door. Her clothes are in a pile on the floor. Her shorts, her tank top, her bra and her underwear. Her bra is light pink with black lace trim and her underwear are black lace.

I bite my lip just thinking about what she looked like when she took those clothes off. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and find my voice. "Hey Jo…" I say loud enough for her to hear over the running water. I hear the glass door slide and the curtain ruffle. She pokes her head out and ONLY her head. I can't even see anything from her neck down. "Just making sure it's you in there…" I make a quick excuse as to why I just called her. "You're not mad at me, are you?" She wrinkles her brow at me and purses her lips. "Well you got mad at me down at the pool for leaving you. I was just making sure you're not pissed at me again for leaving you with my sister."

"No, she's cool." She shakes her head and just keeps looking at me. Some part of me wonders if she can see my stiffie through my shorts. I tried so hard not to get hard over seeing her clothes lying on the floor but I couldn't help it. I just hope she can't see it. "Anything else?" She says with a tone that suggests she's trying to get rid of me.

"..Nah." I shake my head. "You almost done in there?"

"No. I just got in like a minute ago. I just have to wash my hair…I'll…come find you when I'm done."

"Alright." I turn to leave the bathroom and hear the curtain close again and the sliding door shut. _She's naked in the shower. _I bite my lip and throw my head up to the ceiling. _Don't go over there. Just open the door and leave. There will be other times to catch her in the shower. _I grit my teeth. _What if there's not? Just a look… _I turn back around and walk quietly back over to the shower. I stand as close to the wall as I possibly can so I won't have to move the curtain or anything. I tilt my head just a little so I can see through the little crack of curtain and make sure she can't see me. She can't and even if she could, she's not paying attention to me. She's running her hands through her hair to wash it and her head is tilted back with her eyes closed so she can't see me. _Oh my GOD, her body… _The way she's standing, her back is turned towards me so I can't see anything from the front but her ass is amazing enough for me to settle. She looks so thin with clothes on but I swear, with her clothes off, her body has a totally different shape. She has curves, clearly defined curves, too. Her ass sticks out at a decent distance and right above it, on her lower back, she has two dimples. Just like on her arms, she has little flecks of brown decorating her skin. I just want to reach out and grab her ass so hard. I want to squeeze it so hard that I leave a handprint. She starts turning around since she's done with her hair and even though I want to stick around long enough to see the front of her body, I can't risk her seeing me and finding out that I'm watching her shower.

Reluctantly, I take a step away from the shower and turn to leave the bathroom for good this time. It doesn't make any sense for a girl to be THAT sexy. Literally, her body is perfect. Ugh, the things I could do to her are so dirty… I shut the bathroom door quietly behind me and go into the guest room. I lie down on the bed and put a pillow over my face. I swear that girl is inhuman. I swear she's from a different planet. HOW is she so sexy? _Pull yourself together. She's not even interested in you. _She doesn't have to be interested in me to lie on her back and let me go to town with her for two or three hours. _Then again, what if she is interested in me? _She got jealous when she thought I was flirting today. And she kissed me last night. And earlier today, she hugged me. It wasn't a friendly hug either. It was a hug that only a girlfriend would hug her boyfriend like. I liked the hug, by the way. I wasn't expecting her to hug me like that but I like that she did. _She was mad at you because you left her, not because she was jealous, dumb ass. And she threw up after she kissed you last night. She finds you so revolting to kiss that she threw up. The hug wasn't anything. She's not into you. Pull your head out of your ass and stop acting like this girl is something special. _

All of a sudden, the door to the guest room opens up. I pop up and take the pillow off my face just as she's walking through the door with a towel wrapped around her body. "JESUS!" She screams. "You scared the shit…" She stops herself. "How are you everywhere?!" She sticks around close to the door. _Fuck. _I take the pillow that was over my face and put it on my lap, just to cover up my boner. I really wasn't thinking. No, I knew that she was going to have to come in here to get dressed, I did. I just wasn't thinking at the moment. I just needed somewhere to go to talk myself down from these feelings I'm having and the first place I thought to go was the guest room. I'm stupid as hell. I really wasn't thinking.

"My bad...I forgot you had to come in here to get dressed." I mumble and pick my ass up off the bed. I toss the pillow back on the bed and walk around so I can leave. Seriously, if I had remembered that she had to get dressed in here, I wouldn't have come in here. I'm trying to get rid of my boner, not make it worse. "Hey um…" I reach the door but I turn to face her. She looks at me like she can't wait for me to get out. "Are you sure you're cool with sleeping on the couch tonight? 'Cause I'll sleep on the couch and you can have the bed, it's not a big deal…" There used to be two guest rooms in the house. The one guest room got turned into an exercise room when my mom's husband bought an elliptical and a treadmill and they never had any guests anyway, so now there's just one guest room. Jo offered to sleep on the couch tonight. My mom said she'd put sheets on it to make it comfortable and Jo said she'd be cool with sleeping on the couch. "It's not a problem for me to sleep on the couch."

"I'm fine with sleeping on the couch, Alex. I wouldn't say I was fine if I really wasn't."

"Okay. But if you change your mind, just lemme know." I look in her eyes. Aside from being sexy, she's beautiful. I need to leave her alone so she can get dressed but I can't even move. I'm lost in her eyes right now. Her eyes haven't moved from mine either.

"You can leave now. I have to get dressed." She contradicts herself because instead of taking a step towards her clothes, she takes a step towards me instead. I blankly nod my head, still staring at her. "Bye Alex." She says again. When she blinks, that's when my concentration is broken. I pull myself out of my distraction and step back towards the door. When I turn around to leave though, I feel her hand against my ass. She tightens her hand and squeezes it. I turn around fast and just look at her. She has a cheeky, playful but flirtatious smile on her face. I can't help but crack a smile as well. "…Why are you the only one that gets to grab ass around here?" I lick my lips and just when I got rid of my hard-on, it comes right back. "Bye now…" She lifts her hand and waves. I shake my head at her and make a move like I'm about to leave. She turns around to grab her clothes and when she turns around, I reach out and grab her ass so hard that it's like squeezing a sponge. She gasps and jumps back. "I didn't grab yours that hard!"

"Yeah well… I never claimed to play fair."

"Get out." She's smiling at me. "I'm getting dressed now."

"You're not gonna let me stay and watch?"

"You want to watch me put clothes _on_?" She licks her lips.

"I can always help you take that towel off." I step towards her and grab the spot that her towel is tucked under.

"….Eh. I don't feel like it." She pushes my hands away from her. "Maybe if you were a good best friend…"

"I'm good at other things, though." I wrap my hands around her waist and pull her closer to me. "I can show you…"

"Like I said…" She pushes me away. "Maybe if you were a good best friend."

I sigh and shake my head at her. "…Bye Jo."

"Bye Alex." She winks at me.

I shake my head, smiling at her and walk towards the door. _So maybe she is into me. Maybe she is… _I open the door and leave the room. I shut the door behind me and start walking towards the steps. She needs to make up her mind though because at this point, I'm so confused as to what she wants. Does she want me to feel her up? Does she want to flirt with me? Or does she want to push me away and puke when I try to kiss her?

I'm confused.


	19. Can't Happen

**A/N:** Chapter is long, so don't start reading unless you have time.

**M **rated content in this chapter.

* * *

I watch to learn to what I should do with slight, quiet admiration. I just think it's awfully sweet how they sit at the dinner table and have a set way of doing things. Like the main course goes in the middle of the table and the side dishes go on either side of the main course. The drinks go next to the side dishes and when I got to the table, my plate and my fork were already there. I didn't grow up in a barn, but I didn't grow up in a place where people actually sat at the dinner tables as a family to eat. I usually ate my dinners sitting in the middle of the television set, watching some kind of cartoon with my dad. The only time we ate at the kitchen table was during breakfast time and the only time we ever used our dining room was on holidays. Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner and Easter dinner were the only times of the year we'd eat in the dining room. My parents were old fashioned but not that old fashioned. I think it's really nice how this seems like something they do every night. When I have my own babies someday, I think I'm going to incorporate that into their lives. I think eating dinner together every night is important. I watch as bowls of corn and mashed potatoes are being passed around my head. Forks are stabbing into the meatloaf and a basket of dinner rolls is making its way around the table. They seem proper for eating at the table together but when it comes to serving, I think it's a free for all.

"Pass the corn." Amber reaches over her mother's plate and holds her hands out for the bowl of corn. Her father passes it to her and she dumps a pile of it on her plate. "Corn?" She offers the bowl to me. I nod my head and take the white bowl filled with yellow and white corn off of her. I was going strong with feeling comfortable around these people, all the way up until I sat down at the dinner table. Now I'm feeling all nervous and awkward again and I can't talk because I'm so nervous to be around them. I literally have no social skills. I use the serving spoon and put a very small pile of corn on my plate before I pass the bowl to my left, to Alex. He takes it and dumps nearly half the bowl on his plate. I'm not eating much, not because I'm not hungry but because I'm scared that if I eat too much while I'm this nervous, it's all going to come back up.

Next, Amber slides the bowl of fluffy white mashed potatoes to me. With the serving spoon for the mashed potatoes, I put a small mound on my plate. Everything on this table looks heavenly. I haven't had a home-cooked meal that looks this tasty in a very long time. I think the last home-cooked meal I had was the last time my mom baked me a lasagna, the night before I had to go back to college from summer break for my sophomore year. She died a month after that. When I think about mom and dad, sometimes I still get pretty sad. I get sad like it just happened yesterday. I'm 23. Dad died when I was 18 and mom died when I was 19, so I guess I'm just in still feeling like they just died yesterday. It really wasn't all that long ago. For a while after they died, it really bothered me that I wasn't there for their burials. Dad actually had a funeral that I couldn't go to because I had final exams around the time that he passed and I couldn't drive or fly from New Jersey to Iowa before my exams were over. Mom didn't have a funeral. She was cremated and she asked for her minister to dissolve her ashes in holy water before he dumped it. When dad died, mom's health started deteriorating pretty rapidly, so she sold the house and put herself in a nursing home. They didn't have much so neither one of them left me much, but I do remember when mom died, I got a little bit of money from their estate. It was only like $3,000 and that covered my meal plan for my junior year semester, so I could use the rest of my scholarship money for my books.

Once everybody's plates are made around the table, it is almost dead silent. Everyone is too busy stuffing their faces to hold conversations. Mindful to be etiquette and keep my elbows off the table, I use the side of my fork to cut off a little piece of my meatloaf. I spear the piece with the prongs of my fork and put it in my mouth. I really don't want to be seen as sloppy or improper in front of these people, so I keep my lips together while I chew. "So Jo…" The man sitting across the table from me starts talking. He's kind of intimidating when I look at him. He has wispy, sandy brown hair and green eyes. He's chubby but he has muscles to even out the extra weight and he looks like he could bench press me. I put my fork down and politely give him my undivided attention. "Alex…he mentioned something to my wife about you having graduated from Princeton?" I feel my face fall to an irate look but I clean it up quickly so nobody can tell. _Why would he tell them that? _I hate telling people that I graduated from Princeton, I really do. It just makes people treat me different. They treat me like I'm some kind of genius and they expect me to know stuff. And they usually put all the attention on me and I hate that even more. He didn't have to tell them that. He had no business telling them about me. I don't know these people. "Was he lying or…" He's smiling, like he really just wants to know. Like maybe he's just trying to be friendly.

"No, he wasn't lying…I did." I pick up my fork again and start weaving it through my mashed potatoes. I graduated last year." I shovel some mashed potatoes in my mouth and swallow them almost immediately. Underneath the table, my leg won't stop shaking. My nerves are so bad right now. They're nice people but I just feel like I'm trying so hard to impress them. I just want them to like me. I don't know why it's freaking me out so bad, considering the fact that I'll never see these people again after I leave this house, but still. I'm a guest in their house and if they don't like me… I just don't know. But now the entire table is looking at me and expecting me to say something and I can't even open my mouth without feeling anxious…anxious to get the hell out of here. _Just say something. They're just people. _"I graduated cum laude, actually." _Now you sound like a spoiled, entitled little brat. You're bragging. _I look down at my plate and sigh. I don't think I can eat anymore.

"Dang… what'd you have to score on your SATs in order to get in there? A perfect 1600?" Amber plows her fork through her corn and looks at me like she's really fascinated. I don't know why but I can't just act like she's the same girl I just spent like an hour upstairs talking to. I'm nervous around her all of a sudden, too. "How many times did you have to retake your SATs to make the cut?"

"…I only took them once, actually." I can't eat anymore so I respectfully push my plate away and fold my hands in my lap. "I got a 2380 when I took them. My principal in high school like…" I look up at them and they're all looking at me, listening to what I have to say. "Called me down, because in my school, SAT scores got sent to the guidance counselor. And the principal called me down and I got $200 for getting the highest SAT score in the entire school district. I missed a perfect score by one question on my writing portion. I was going to take them again because I thought I did horrible on it. Like…the day of the test, I was so sick. I had a cold and I felt like crap so I just decided to take them again after that day. But before I even registered to take them again, I got my scores back and I was so shocked." I'm trying to clean up the fact that I probably sounded like a bragging brat just a second ago.

"You got a NEAR PERFECT on your SATs the FIRST time you took them?" Her eyes bug out of her head. "How much did you study?!"

"I didn't really study on my own." I admit. I run my hand along my arm to soothe the nervous goosebumps that have risen up. "My school offered SAT prep classes after school Monday through Thursday and I just stayed for those. I took them my junior year so I just figured I could blow them off my junior year and study hard to take them again my senior year if I did badly. So I didn't really study on my own much, actually."

"Did you apply to all the Ivy League schools or just Princeton?" Alex's mom speaks to me this time.

"Um…" I crack a smile and muffle a light giggle as I think about the memory that goes along with this question. "It was actually not…like that, really." I run my hand through my hair and try to make myself calm down a little more. "I didn't start applying to colleges until the beginning of my senior year and I got four fee-waivers for college applications from my guidance counselor. I actually had my heart set on going to Iowa State. I grew up in Iowa and Ames wasn't too far away from my family in Des Moines, so the Iowa State was really my first choice. But I had four fee waivers and I wanted to use them. So I applied to Iowa State, Northwestern and Saint Ambrose. I applied to Princeton as joke, honestly. I already knew that I was going to get into Iowa State and that was really the only college I wanted to go to, so I just picked a random Ivy League school and applied. I really didn't think I was gonna get in. I thought for sure that they'd only take me if I got a perfect score so really, I applied as a joke. But I got accepted and my parents freaked out."

"Your parents were probably so proud, weren't they?" Miss Helen keeps talking to me. She's making me feel more comfortable and she's helping me calm down. Her smile is infectious and I can't help but feel its warmth, even if she is sitting all the way across the table. "Did they have to sell a kidney to keep you in there?"

"It was a joke, so I really wasn't even considering it. It was cool that I got in and all and I was happy for myself but it was all the way in New Jersey somewhere. I really wasn't considering it. I wasn't even going to go. My dad was mad at me because I really, really didn't want to go Princeton. He would like…lecture me about how prestigious it was that I actually got in and stuff but I seriously just didn't want to go. My mom supported my decision not to go and she paid my housing deposit to Iowa State without telling my dad." I have a little bit of my appetite back, so I drag my plate back over to me. "But like…two weeks after I paid my housing deposit to Iowa State, I got this package in the mail from Princeton. They sent me a little black and orange scarf, a poster and a letter that said they wanted to offer me a partial scholarship it was like…worth $100,000 or something like that. And once they started talking about giving me money, my mom was like 'you're going!'….So I was kind of forced into it."

"Hell yeah!" Miss Helen's husband nods his head fast and starts laughing. "I don't care if the school was across the damn country and on a different continent, if they send us something talking about they'll give Amber $100,000 to attend their school, her ass would be going too! I don't blame your parents! That's free schooling!"

I choke on a mouthful of corn from laughing at his reaction. I clear my throat and take a sip of my drink. "Yeah well…I don't regret it. It was a really great school and they didn't tolerate bullcrap. I liked that. They only accepted serious students and serious students only. They wanted the best of the best. I liked that there were hardly any distractions. Everybody there was so serious about getting their education. Don't get me wrong, there were some parties and stuff but they were all off campus. If you got caught with anything unacceptable on campus, they kicked you out in a heartbeat. It was nice having people there that wanted the same thing I wanted. It wasn't terribly boring but it was a very serious environment." I finish off the rest of my mashed potatoes.

"So what's your degree in, though? What'd you go in as your major?" Amber's dad keeps talking to me. It's getting easier to talk to them.

"I went in as a Biochemistry major. I only have a B.S. though. I want to go to med school so I didn't see the point in getting my master's. It's not really necessary to have a master's degree to go into med school…you just have to have a foundation in something related to the sciences. So I took my B.S. and ran with it." Next to me, Alex is working on his third helping of food. _He didn't have any problem blabbing his mouth about you. _I bite down on my bottom lip as I hatch a plan in my mind. He's probably going to kill me for this but I'll take my chances. "What about you though, Miss Helen? It must've been pretty amazing to for you to see Alex become the kind of writer he is. You must be proud of him." Under the table, I feel his foot nudge my ankle. "He's a pretty amazing author…was he always so imaginative?" He stops eating mid-bite of his meatloaf and shoots me a look. His eyes are narrowed and he looks terribly unamused. _He did it to me so I'm just dishing it right back out to him._

"He was always making up stories!" His mother jumps at the opportunity to talk, which makes me smile. I'm not smiling for the sake of her being excited to tell me about him, I'm smiling because my plan worked. He's going to kill me and give me an earful tomorrow about this but I'm just happy that it worked. "He would tell me stories all the time. Up until he was seven, I had to bathe him…because he'd always "forget" to put soap on his washcloth. So I bathed him all the way up until he was seven." I try so hard to muffle a giggle. His cheeks are so red but he's pretending like he could care less. He's pretending like eating his food is way more important than listening to his mom tell me stories. "And every night while I was washing him up, he'd have a new story to tell me. He told me one about an alien named Steve that took him away and turned him into an alien. It was the cutest thing…"

"So you always knew he was going to be a storyteller. Would he ever ask you for help with his stories?" I bite my lip to hold back a smile. I'm not really this interested in Alex's childhood stories, I'm just messing with him so bad. I mean, but hearing about how adorable he was as a child is kind of cute though. "Or was he secretive with his stories?" From the corner of my eye, I see his hand move and go underneath the table. Hidden under the table cloth, he puts his hand on my knee and squeezes it hard but not hard enough to hurt me, just hard enough to let me know that he wants me to shut the hell up. I reach under the table as well and lightly pinch his wrist to get him off of knee.

"If he'd write one down, he'd ask me to reread it and tell him if it was good. But he was usually pretty secretive with them, especially as he got older." She pushes her empty plate away from her and puts her elbows up on the table and rests her chin in the palms of her hand. "He used to write poems too… I found his poem book once and he started crying. I had to—"

"It's getting late." Out of the clear blue, he springs up out of his chair and picks up his empty plate. His cheeks are all red and he's flustered. I find embarrassed Alex to be cute for some reason. "It's like what? 9:00?" He pretends to glance at the clock hanging on the wall to check the time and I know he pretended because he looked at the clock way, way too quickly to have even read the time on it. It's analog so he should've taken a little bit longer than just one glance. "Me and Jo have to be up kind of early tomorrow morning so we should head off to bed anyway." He has a certain look on his face but I can't tell if that look is just from him being embarrassed or if he's truly pissed at me. I hope I didn't make him angry. I was just joking. Still sitting in my seat, I look up at him to see if I can read his face any better. Oh, he's pissed. I didn't mean to make him mad…

"Yeah, Alex is probably right." Miss Helen's husband stands up from his chair and picks up his empty plate too. "It's going to be an early morning for all of us." He stacks the empty bowls that the food was in on top of his empty plate. I push out from my chair and stand up too. I feel really bad now. I swear I was just trying to joke. Should I apologize to him? I'm kind of scared to even say anything to him, really. I don't want him to blow up on me. I really didn't mean to make him angry. The last thing I need is for him to be pissed off at me. I still have a ways to go until we get to California. I really don't need him to be mad at me. But I'm too scared to talk to him about it now. I'm too scared to apologize. What if he flips out on me? _Dammit Jo, what did you do? You're always messing something up for yourself._

"Amber Michelle, help your father and your brother clean up the table and make sure you load up the dishwasher. I'm gonna go set Jo's bed up." Miss Helen stands up from her spot at the table as well and stretches her arms out. "Come on, Jo…follow me." She motions with her hand for me to follow her. I nod my head and take one last glance at Alex before I leave the dining room. He still looks completely pissed off at me. I feel my heart sink with the look on his face and I just turn around and walk off in the same direction that his mother went in. I really just messed up. Things were fine up until I just opened my mouth a second ago. Today was going good for us. He let me hug him earlier, I think he flirted with me a little bit and about an hour, hour and a half ago, he was just touching my butt when I got out the shower. Now he's mad at me, all because I can't keep my big ass mouth shut. _I was only trying to joke around though. I swear I didn't mean to piss him off. _"This couch is more comfortable than it looks…trust me." She picks up a sheet from the pile of linens she put on the couch earlier for me.

I really don't mind sleeping on the couch tonight. The couch is freaking enormous anyway, there's enough room for me to sprawl out and be comfortable. It's not like I'm being crammed up on a little tiny couch. I nod my head and just watch her while she tucks a thick white sheet into the creases of the couch to make up a bed for me. After she tucks the base sheet on the couch, she spreads a thinner, yellow sheet over the base bed for me to put over myself. After the thinner sheet, she puts a heavy, red, Kansas City Chiefs themed quilt over the blankets. And finally, she tosses down two pillows for me. It looks comfy. "Thank you." I sit down on top of the covers of my makeshift bed and sigh. It's just really hard for me to be in a good mood knowing that Alex is mad at me. I really want to apologize to him but I don't know the correct way to approach him. I'm too scared to. Miss Helen turns on the TV for me and puts the remote down on the arm of the couch. Without any further words, she turns out the ceiling light and walks back in the direction of the kitchen. When she's gone, I lift my hips up and pull back the quilt and the blanket. On the plus side, the sheets she gave me smell like they just came straight from the washer and dryer. I put the blankets over myself and lie my head back against the pillows. I'm not comfortable yet but I'll wait until everybody goes upstairs for the night before I get really comfortable.

I pick up the remote and start flicking through the channels for something to watch. "Goodnight, Jo! See you in the morning." Amber's preppy little voice calls out to me from the hallway and I turn my head around so I can see her. I still don't have it in me to talk knowing that Alex is mad at me, so I just raise my hand and wave at her. She starts climbing up the steps and I turn my head back around. I continue in my quest to find something on cable to watch. At this point, I'm sure that everyone went upstairs for the night and I'm alone. I pick up my cell phone, which I put on the coffee table in front of me and check the time. It's actually 9:45, it's almost 10:00. I settle and turn on the first movie I recognize. I turn on Case 39 and put the remote back on the arm of the chair. I lean up and finally start to make myself more comfortable.

I put the pillows down on the main couch cushions instead of having them propped up against the arm of the couch and stand up. I untie the drawstrings on my pajama pants and pull them down. I fold them up in a neat little pile and put them at the foot of my makeshift bed. I absolutely cannot sleep in pants of any form. But since I'm in a house full of people, I made sure I put on a pair of boyshorts for underwear. I'm still sleeping in my panties but they're more like an extremely short pair of shorts so they're satisfying. I reach back and pull my hair, which is still kind of damp from my shower, out of the ponytail I had it in and roll the ponytail holder on my wrist. I pull the covers back on my bed again and climb between them. This actually is pretty comfortable. I rest my head back against one of the pillows she gave me and prop myself up on one of my elbows so I can watch this movie. I probably won't sleep much tonight.

I can't believe I pissed Alex off like that. I was just trying to make a joke but it backfired so hard. _None of this would've happened if you just knew how to socialize with people. You're so awkward. _Seriously, none of that would've happened if I would just learn how to be comfortable around people. I'm so socially awkward. I just wanted to make a joke…you know, to fit in. I just wanted to seem like I belonged at that table with them. I was only trying to make a joke with him. _Why am I so socially retarded? How come socializing with people comes naturally to most people but not to me? I was fine as a waitress… when I was a waitress, I had lots of people to socialize with and it wasn't horrible. It was fun. People actually liked me. _I was always kind of awkward in crowds of people but it wasn't ever this bad until… Now I remember when it got this bad.

_I step out of my shower and pull my towel over my body. I start by drying my face off. I have the worst headache I've ever had in my entire nineteen years of existing. I have a lab report to write for Organic Chemistry but I don't think that's getting done today. I'm just going to take an aspirin and lie down for the whole day. When I'm done drying my face off, I wrap my towel around my body and walk over to my sink. My tongue still tastes potent and alcoholish. I squirt toothpaste on my toothbrush and start brushing my teeth. I really didn't think I drank enough to get as drunk as I was last night but I guess I did. I don't know. I just remember drinking one cup of this blue stuff and I started feeling funny. I was drinking cheap beer but the guy that came in the bar and sat next to me bought me a drink. I wasn't going to drink it but he sat there and he was watching me. So I just downed it and kept drinking my beer but I started feeling all funny. And I don't remember anything after that._

_I spit out my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink and put my toothbrush down. I wipe my hand across the mirror to get the fog off and look at myself. Oh my god… There's a big, fiery red welt across my cheek. And my lip is busted. There are four or five purplish, circular bruises on my neck. And when I reach up to touch the welt on my cheek, I notice dark red marks on my wrists. What the hell happened to me last night? I move my hair out of the way so I can get a better look at the marks on my neck. Tears spill out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. What happened? All I remember is waking up naked, in Paige's boyfriend's bed, with her screaming at me and calling me a whore. What happened before that, I don't know._

_Did somebody drug me last night? I obviously had sex last night because I woke up NAKED in a bed with another naked boy that was still wearing a condom. But why are all these marks on my body? Did I resist? Did somebody do something to me? I clutch my towel to my body and walk to the toilet. I sit down on the toilet and bury my face in my hands. I really have to think and try to remember what happened last night. Somebody spiked my drink. I'm not a lightweight like that. One cup of vodka wouldn't get me buzzed the way I was last night. All I had was beer and vodka. I had ONE measly beer and one cup of vodka. I'm not a lightweight. I know my limits, I know what I can take while I'm drinking and I know that one cup of vodka and one beer wouldn't get me that buzzed. Somebody put something in my drink last night, that's the only explanation. I think somebody raped me. I think Paige's boyfriend raped me. He was the guy that sat next to me at the bar, I remember that. He sat between me and her. She went to the bathroom and he bought me a drink. _

_Wait, I can't just assume that somebody raped me. I have to be sure. I mean, why else would I have marks all over my body…but I'm not sure. What if we just had really rough, hardcore sex? What if that's what the marks are from? Who's to say they're from him raping me? How do I know that I didn't want it if I don't remember it? I want my mom. I wanna call my mommy and I want to talk to her. She'll know what to do…what to say. I stand up from the toilet and grab my cell phone off the counter of the sink. I unlock my phone and go to my contacts. I get all the way to her name before I remember. Mom died last week. _

_Why don't I just kill myself? Seriously, what else is there to live for? I lost my best friend because Paige thinks I'm a whore. Mom's dead, dad's dead. I have no friends, nobody to confide in, nobody to tell me it's okay. Why don't I just fucking end it? I put my phone back down and open up my medicine cabinet. I grab the bottle of aspirin and twist the cap off. I dump the entire pill bottle in the palm of my hand and put the pills to my lips. _

It got pretty bad after that, I guess. I just…I fell into a dark place after that. I remember contemplating suicide nearly every day after that, but that was the only time I ever really attempted it. That's the closest I ever got to attempting it, should I say. To this day, I can't really say what made me stop. I don't know why I ever stopped myself, I don't know what in the hell made me stop wanting to end my life. I was just so depressed though. After dad died, I was a mess. But as soon as I started getting better from losing dad, mom died. And then I was raped, I think. And I didn't have anybody. I remember falling into the deepest state of depression I've ever been in. I lost 26 pounds my sophomore year, all I did was sleep. I never had much of an appetite, I went to class (sometimes) and I went directly back to my dorm. I didn't go to any campus functions. I was just a loner. There were days when I wouldn't even take a shower. I got fired from my job on campus because I couldn't pull myself out of bed. My grades slipped. That's why I only graduated cum laude from Princeton. I'm sure I could've graduated top of my class if my sophomore year wasn't as rough as it was. But my grades slipped so bad and I never fully recovered from that. I mean, I'm still depressed. I know I'm depressed and I know that I'm not happy with my life. Why would I be? I'm poor, my parents are dead, nobody cares about me and the last thing I thought I had left, med school, is a no-go. I can't go to med school because I'm broke and my freaking house burned down. I'm depressed as all hell. But this kind of depression is NOTHING compared to the depression I felt all throughout my sophomore year of college. I don't know how, but I got better after that. And if I have it my way, I'll NEVER get that depressed again. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

My social anxiety got bad after that incident too. I just don't really trust people anymore after that. I think that's when. I can't really pinpoint an exact time when my social anxiety took over, but if I had to guestimate a time, it'd be around then. I sigh and reach over to grab the remote again. I'm getting bored with Case 39, so I start scrolling through the channels again to see if anything new has come on in the last half hour. When I finally find Not Another Teen Movie to watch, the bottom of the couch rustles and scares the hell out of me. I jump and look at what just scared me. Alex…he's settling in to sit at the opposite end of the sectional with me. "…Couldn't sleep?" I ask him and I immediately regret it. I forgot that quickly that he was mad at me.

"Nah." He shakes his head. "Just thought I'd come sit with you for a while before I go to bed." He doesn't even look at me, he pays all his attention on the TV. "I love this movie." He mumbles.

"Me too." I start watching the movie too, instead of watching him. "….Sorry about that. At the kitchen table…embarrassing you. Sorry." I just spit it out. I don't know exactly how to say it, so I just spit it out.

"I'm not mad." He smirks. "I was just thinking of a way I can get you back, ballbuster."

I crack a smile. "Oh, well in that case, I take my apology back." He shrugs his shoulders and the two of us are just silent. I discreetly look down the couch and just admire him. He's wearing a white, wife-beater tank top and a pair of basketball shorts as his pajamas. His arm muscles are so big. It looks like he stuffed footballs underneath his skin, that's how big they are. His side profile is perfect. His nose sticks out just the right amount and his lips are perfect. I notice that the hairs on his arms are standing up, though. "Cold?" I ask him.

"A little." He admits, never taking his eyes off the TV. "My mom turned the air on. I don't remember where the thermostat is, otherwise I'd turn it down myself." He explains.

"…Come up here." I pull back my covers and scoot over since there's plenty of open room for him. "I got blankets…I'll share." I keep the covers open while I wait for him to accept my offer. He's looking at me with full-blown skepticism. "I'm serious. It's what best friends do for each other…come on. I'll share." He smirks again and stands up. I scoot over a little more to welcome him. He kicks off his slippers and climbs over me so he can have his back against the couch. Once he's comfortable, I pull the covers over the two of us and keep watching the movie like this isn't a big deal because really, it's not a big deal. I'm just sharing blankets with him. "…Your mom seems really sweet." I keep my back turned towards him and keep watching the movie while I talk to him.

"She's alright." He mutters.

"She seems like she loves you…and Amber." I scoot towards him a little bit so I'm not on the edge of the couch anymore.

"She tries." He gives me another two-syllable, half-assed answer. I don't know what else to say that won't produce a stupid answer from him, so I just stay quiet and pretend to be interested in the movie when in reality, I'm thinking of something to say to him. "…You and Amber seem to have hit it off."

"She's a sweet kid." I nod my head. Again, we're quiet. I don't know what else to say to him. It's not like we don't have anything to talk about because seriously, we have a crapload of things we could be talking about. But it's like neither one of us wants to break the ice. Neither one of us is willing to start the conversation. It's like the elephant in the room. We need to talk about the fact that we keep kissing each other, the fact that he always finds an opportunity to grab my ass, the fact that the two of us flirt. We're just friends. We should talk about these things, shouldn't we? Or would talking about stuff ruin it? Would talking about it just ruin everything? I guess maybe it should just keep happening. I don't know…I just don't know. I put my hand down against the couch cushion to brace myself as I scoot back, closer to him again. As if he was waiting for me, he puts his hand around my waist and pulls me into his body to make the both of us more comfortable. Now, he's lying with his back against the couch and I'm lying between his legs with my head on his chest. _Are we cuddling?_

I rest my arms around my waist and since his hand is already there, he takes the opportunity to grab ahold of one of my hands. He presses the palm of his hand against my palm. "You have small hands." He mumbles in my ear. I nod my head and keep watching the movie, enjoying this moment. After I nod my head, he interlocks our fingers and holds my hand. His thumb strokes along my knuckles while he's holding my hand. He's going to make me fall asleep. Rubbing me of any sort makes me sleepy. Rubbing my arm, my legs, my hands, my hair, my cheek, my shoulder, my butt…rubbing of any kind just puts me in the mood to go to sleep. To reciprocate how he's rubbing me, I run my index fingernail along his forearm. "Sleepy Jo…" He comments. I nod my head again. He stops holding my hand, which sort of makes me mad. _Why stop? What are you stopping for? I should slap you. _He grabs the rim of the blanket and the quilt covering us up and pulls it up further, so it's all the way on my neck. He goes right back to holding my hand, which makes me happy again. "Are you going to fall asleep on me?" I shake my head. I won't fall asleep. I'll get pretty close to falling asleep but I won't. I close my eyes as he's rubbing my knuckles though. "You can go to sleep…"

"I'm not going to sleep." I mumble to him. I adjust my position so that I'm facing him instead of facing away from him. He stops holding my hand again and wraps his arms around my waist. Behind my back, he locks his hands together while he's holding me. I stuff my face into his chest and smell him. I don't know why, but he always smells so good. I twist my head just a little bit so I can still see the movie, though. _If Amber were to walk in on this, she might have a heart attack. _I trace circles around his chest just so I can feel how firm it is. This man is beyond sexy. I sigh and wrap my arms around his back. Smoothly, I slip my hands up underneath his shirt so I can touch his bare back. God, his muscles feel so much better without a shirt on. As if he thinks that my hands touching his bare back and his hands touching my bare ass is somehow equal, he slides his hands down my underwear. I can tell he's a little bit surprised that there's not another layer though. "…Those are underwear, not shorts."

"My fault." He thought I was wearing shorts, clearly. He starts taking his hands out of my underwear.

"You don't have to." I just slide my hands out of his shirt and shove them down his pants as well, to make us equal. He keeps his hands in my underwear and I rest mine on his butt. I just watch the movie, as if we're not doing anything under these covers. He does the same, all the while his hands are squeezing my ass. I don't want us to be unequal, so even though my hands aren't touching his bare butt, I still squeeze his. We're both just acting like nothing is going on. I can't really get a good enough grip on his butt though, so I make the move and slide my hands inside his boxers too. His butt is fuzzy but I can tell that it's cute, just by the way it feels. He has a nice butt. It's jiggly and it's real squeezable. I close my eyes and lift my head up just a little. He catches my drift and kisses me. Why do we always end up kissing? It's like inevitable or something. We always end up flirting, kissing or touching each other. Even if we're not trying. He grips my butt harder while we kiss. I pull out of the kiss and keep watching the movie. But to let him know that I'm still game for what's going on, I squeeze his butt harder too. I turn my head away from the movie and put it in his neck. I press my lips to his throat and kiss his neck before I turn back to watch the movie again. He's hard. I know it because I can feel it, poking me against my hip. I turn my attention back to the movie and take my hands out of his underwear and put them back against his bare back. His hands wander away from my butt though. Well, one does.

One of his hands stays on my butt but the other hand creeps around towards the front of my body. His hand rests against the top of me, right before my womanhood starts. He pauses for a second, expecting me to stop him and tell him no. But I don't. He can go ahead, I don't care. To make it seem like it's totally not a big deal, I thrust myself into the movie. I even laugh at a funny part. His palm rests on the outside of me as his hand inches down slowly. I can tell that he's still unsure if I care or not, so to make him fully aware that I DON'T CARE, I lift my leg up to allow his hand further between my legs. His hand slides down as far as he needs it to so his fingers are level with my hole. With two of his fingers, he spreads me open. I laugh again at a funny part of the movie. His thumb brushes over my clit and I close my mouth quickly. I play it off. I think he noticed though. His thumb teases me back and forth and I fight to keep my eyes open. I bring my hand around and put it on top of his hand. I stroke the back of his hand while he's using it on me. He slides his hand just a tad bit deeper between my legs and doesn't give me a warning before he puts his middle finger in. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I open them again. He doesn't move his finger in and out though, he moves it back and forth. Trying to stay as still as possible, I move my hips around just a little bit. He takes my hip movements as a sign and moves his finger back and forth so fast that I can't take it anymore.

I put my hand against his again and stop him. "…I hurt you?" He asks, his voice so low that I can hardly even hear him. He's not whispering though, his voice is just low. I shake my head at him and keep my hand against his. "Then why'd you make me stop?" I just stay still, trying to calm myself down. That started feeling way, way, WAY too good. I was starting to get that tingly feeling racing through my stomach that I always get, right before I get there. I don't want him to take me there…not tonight and not here. "If I hurt you, you can tell me….I'm sorry." He's sweet. I move his hand away from me and he nicely takes his finger out. "Sorry."

"You didn't hurt me." I whisper to him. I take my hand away from his and put it at the waistband of his pants. I'm so wet. It's going to take a while for my underwear to dry out. I kind of want to go change them. He wasn't even fingering me that long and I got that wet. I bite my lip and slip my hand down his boxers. I don't think it'd be fair for me to get all the fun tonight.

"Then why'd you stop me?" He kisses my cheek and puts his hands back on my ass.

"Because…" I don't really want to explain to him why I had to stop him but I also don't want him to spend the night thinking that he hurt me, so I'll just tell him. "I was going to…do something. That I didn't want to do." I'm too nervous at the moment to actually do what I want to do to him, so I take a second to chill my nerves.

"Were you gonna cum?" He asks, straight up. I grit my teeth at the sound of that word. _Geez, do you have to be so graphic with it? _I just nod my head. "You could've…I wouldn't have judged." He kisses my cheek again. I really want to do something to him. It's not something that I've done a lot. I really want to do it but I'm so nervous right now. "Why didn't you let me make you?"

"Because." I keep my head in his chest and try so hard to calm my nerves down. "…It'd get everywhere and this isn't my couch to get messy… and that's rude to do it in somebody else's house. I have manners." I mumble into his chest.

"You squirt?" _Oh my god, he's so foul-mouthed. _I just nod my head. "You should totally let me make you." He sounds so excited now. He tries to move his hands around to my front again but I don't let him. "Come on…let me see it."

"No…that's so rude." I push his hands away. "Just stop…not on the couch." He's starting to annoy me, I think. But I'm not sure if it's him that I'm annoyed with or if it's the fact that I still haven't done what I want to do to him that's annoying me. I think I'm annoying myself. It's not him. _Just do it. He'll let you. And you want to, so just do it. Do it, Jo. DO it. _I bite my lip and take a breath. I'm so irritated all of a sudden. My hand is still in his pants, so I just move it down and settle for something else. I wrap my hand around his incredible length and start to rub it. I'm so irritated it's not funny. Like, I could hit somebody right now. This isn't what I wanted to do to him. But I backed out like a fucking chicken and now I'm mad at myself. God, I'm suck a screw up sometimes. I can't do ANYTHING. I have to calm myself down for a minute though, because if I end up taking my anger out on the handjob I'm giving him, he'll never let me touch his junk ever again.

So despite the fact that I'm pissed off at myself, I just take it slow. It's really, really big. And it's so hard and stiff but the skin on it is so warm and soft. It's a nice contradiction. The best I can compare it to is the length of an average sized, banana. It's much thicker than a banana though. It's about as thick as a normal sized cucumber. As long as a banana, as thick as a cucumber. That's the only way I can describe it. I can honestly say that I've never dealt with something this big before. I've had sex with three people in my lifetime and the three guys I've had sex with were so much smaller than this. Can I be honest? I'm scared. He's going to split me in half with this thing if we ever have sex. _Why is it so thick? _I loosen my grip around it and stroke it from the base to the tip again. It seems longer this time. _I can't have sex with him. I can't do it, like ever. He'll break me with this thing. _I lean up and kiss his lips. I guess I'm kind of glad that I didn't go through with what I wanted to do to him. I would've choked, for sure.

He kisses me hard on my lips and holds my waist. He rocks on his side and holds me still as he makes us switch positions. He makes me lie on the bottom while he's on top of me, forcing my hand out of his boxers. He starts kissing me like he's hungry. And from my lips, he goes to my neck. "Alex…" I tap him on his back. "Alex…" I keep tapping him. "Alex, STOP….Stop, please…." He's not stopping. _He wouldn't rape me…he wouldn't. He was a jerk towards me but he wouldn't rape me. He wouldn't do it. _"Stop…" I stuff my hands underneath his chest and push him. He stops. _I knew he wouldn't. He scared me though. He just scared the hell out of me. I knew he wouldn't, but I thought he was gonna. _"…I don't want to do it on your mother's couch…okay?" I try hard to keep my voice sturdy but I think I might let it crack. I'm going to cry. "I want to do it…I want you. I really want you… but not here. It shouldn't be here…on the couch." I shake my head at him.

"Why are you crying?" He hovers over me and looks down.

"I'm not." I am, but I didn't realize. "I think we should go to bed now…."

"No Jo…why are you crying?" He looks like he's guilty of something.

"I'm not….let's just go to bed."

"You're crying. WHY?"

"I just thought…" I swallow a lump in my throat. "It's nothing. I'm just sleepy."

"….I'm sorry, Jo." I think he knows what I was about to say and he gets off of me so quickly that you would've thought I set a match to him. I sit up fast and hold the blankets over my bottom half. "No, I'm so sorry…I'm sorry. I lost….I lost frickin' control. I'm sorry." He's scrambling around looking for his other slipper. "But I wouldn't…I wouldn't ever…. You know I wouldn't." He finds his other slipper and shoves it on his foot. "I didn't mean to…." He shakes his head. "Shit." He's mad now…like, fuming angry. "See, no….no." His hands are bawled into fists and he's shaking. "This can't happen…. This can't happen. Me and you? No. This isn't happening…." He paces back and forth. "I lost control and this can't happen. No."

"What can't happen?" I stand up and grab onto my pajama pants. "Alex, it's okay…"

"Me and you can't happen, that's what!" He yells at me.

"…Why? Alex, it was a mistake. It was bad judgment on my part, not yours. It's my fault, it isn't yours." I start pulling my pants on.

"I lost control, Jo! If you can't see that…then I don't know how the hell you got into the Ivy League…because you're stupid."

"You're gonna call me stupid now? Really?" I grit my teeth. "Alex, look at me…look at me. It's fine. I'm fine, you're fine. I…I almost lost control too. If you think it wasn't…It's alright. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not like…I don't understand why you're upset when I'm not." I take a step towards him. "It's alright. It takes two to make a bad decision. I…. I still want to be your..friend." The term "friend" doesn't even feel right coming off my tongue. "What do you mean by we can't happen? I want us…I want us to happen, Alex."

"Get away from me. You're stupid… sometimes I can't understand you, Jo. Sometimes I don't know what the hell is going through your head." He shakes his head at me like he's disgusted. "I don't care if you want us to happen, it's NOT happening. I don't want it to happen. I don't want you…" I wrinkle my brow at him. "Just leave me alone."

"Are you seriously back to treating me like this? Really? All because you 'lost control'? ALEX, I ALMOST LOST CONTROL! You don't have to treat me like this because you feel guilty!"

"Fuck you, Jo." He starts walking out the living room.

"Fuck me?! Really?! Fuck me?!" I start walking after him but I stop myself when I realize that I'm half tempted to strangle him. I just let him walk up the stairs away from me, but I'm seething. I pick up my cell phone and launch it at the wall and sit down on the couch. I'm breathing so sharp. I'm so angry. I haven't been this fired up in a long time. I really haven't. He doesn't understand! This isn't his fault! I was just…I was paranoid! I knew he wouldn't but I thought…. It's not his fault! What does he mean by "this can't happen?!" I put my head down and pull my hair so hard that two big clumps of it come out in my hands. _Calm down, Jo….you know what can happen if you don't. Chill out. _I can't calm myself down. My leg is shaking. HE SAID FUCK ME. Like, really?! All because he feels guilty?! What the fuck is his problem?! If I'm not mad at him, why is he mad at himself?! Oh my god… I'm shaking.

See, this is why I told Amber I wouldn't date her brother. Her brother is an asshole. Always has been, always will be an asshole.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

Everything I said to her, I didn't mean. She's not stupid. She's smarter than I could ever hope to be. I lied…I want us to happen. I didn't mean "fuck her". I get upstairs to the guest room and shut the door. I flop down on the bed and breathe into a pillow. I LOST CONTROL LIKE THAT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST CONTROL LIKE THAT! I scared her…I saw it, in her eyes. She was crying! I scared her, all because I lost control. I can't lose control like that with her. It's like….it's like I didn't even hear her begging me to stop. All I knew is that I wanted her bad and that's all. What if I didn't regain control?! What if I didn't stop?! See, this is why we can't happen. We can't happen. Me and Jo can't happen. She's too perfect for me. I don't deserve her. She's too perfect and she's way too precious for me to go that. I lost control of myself and all I did was finger her tonight. I can't imagine what I'd be like if I actually had sex with her tonight. I could've hurt her, I could've done something horrible to her tonight, all because I lost control of myself for a split second. Not Jo. She's too good for me. I could've lost control with anybody else, not Jo. I wouldn't care if I lost control with any other girl in this world. Why'd it have to be with Jo?

I take the pillow away from my face and I'm surprised when it's wet. I didn't even know I started crying. I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a series of deep breaths. I gotta make it up to her. I care about that girl way too much. Damn. I messed around and ended up falling for her just a little. I gotta make it up to her. Who's to say next time we make out or something like we did tonight, she won't get scared of me again? We can't happen. Me and Jo isn't happening. But I've gotta make it up to her. I can't have her walking around, afraid that I might rape her. I would never…I would NEVER. But she thought I was going to and I have to make that up to her somehow. _Why do I gotta be such a shitty person? _I was doing so good. I actually thought…for a minute there, I thought that I actually deserved Jo. I don't deserve her now. I don't deserve anything good.

I sniff and keep pinching my nose. I'll sit here and wait until she goes to sleep. I'm not going to let her sleep on the couch tonight. She can have the bed. I'll sleep on the couch. She deserves to be as comfortable as she possibly can be after that. I could, I swear I could beat the shit out of myself. I can't believe I did that. I was so happy with just lying there, holding her hand. I was okay with that. Why'd I have to go and start fingering her? We could've just stayed there and held hands and I would've been fine with that. _Well don't beat yourself up too bad, because t's not going to happen again. _

Me and Jo aren't going to happen.


	20. It's Over

Honestly, I lost track of time. I don't know what time it is, nor do I know what time I started lying here. I don't even know how long it's been since I've been lying here. All I know is that my pillow's wet, I can't sleep even if I wanted to and my mind is racing. I've only ever cried over one girl before in my life, and that was Lucy. I cried for a week straight when she broke up with me, no lie there. She's the only girl that's ever made me cry—well, her and Jo, after tonight. I wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands and turn my pillow over so I don't have to keep laying on the wet side of it. I don't want to fall asleep because I'm trying to wait for a decent enough time until I can go downstairs and get her. But even if I could fall asleep without having to go get her, I couldn't fall asleep anyway. I can't sleep with the sound of her voice, begging me to get off of her, clearly ringing in my head. I lost control of myself and I can't help but think…about what would've happened if wasn't able to regain control. _What if I hadn't gotten control? What if I had, god forbid, raped her? _For the last week or so, I've been thinking about her. How sexy she is, how bad I want her. I've been wanting her bad for the last week. I had her. She was lying underneath of me, her legs were open, she was wet and ready and I could've had her. And that's all I was thinking about at the time. All I was thinking about is how I finally got what I wanted. I was too focused on the fact that I was about to get her—what I wanted for the last week—that I didn't even pay attention to the fact that she wanted me to stop. She said, "Alex, stop…please." And I can't get that out of my head. I've been replaying her crying voice over and over in my head for the entire time I've been lying here. _I hurt her. I never wanted to hurt Jo…I never wanted to hurt her. _I sniff and wipe my eyes again.

My head is too full to fall asleep. My head is full of thoughts…thoughts about things that have happened within this last week that I didn't think would ever happen. Thoughts about the feelings I've had this last week. A week ago, she was nothing but the girl that worked in my dad's store. She was the whiny little thing that lived above the store and had the audacity to show up fifteen minutes late. She was annoying. Hot, but annoying. And I found it funny to make her cry. Three days ago, she became the girl I felt sorry for. She became the girl whose house I caused to be burnt down. She became the girl I still didn't like, but felt sorry for. And now all of a sudden, I'm crying over the fact that I could've potentially really hurt her. _What is it about Jo that's so special? _I don't fall for girls this hard. I don't fall this hard and I damn sure don't fall this quickly. Can I just go back to thinking she's nothing but a whiny little brat?

"_You know you're fired, right?" _

_Her face falls flat, her eyebrows raise up, her eyes widen and her jaw drops. "W…What?" Her eyes well up with tears and an overwhelming sense of pride washes over me. I'm going to make her cry. Man, this is great. "…Fired? Look, I'm just—"_

"_Yeah, you're JUST fifteen minutes late when you live right upstairs." _

Can I just go back to that? It was so much easier hating her than it is to actually like her. It was much easier to dislike her and treat her bad. It's so hard to distance myself from her, keep myself away from her and try to avoid her while I actually like her. I swear it took less energy hating her than it's taking to like her. I roll over off my side and lie flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling. If only I could go back to the time when I started to fall for her. I knew I was starting to fall for her. I knew I was falling but I ignored it. I brushed the feelings under the rug and I pretended like it didn't even exist. I just didn't want to admit to myself that I have the freaking audacity to start falling for this random girl that I had just met. I mean, I've known Jo for a little over six months. She was working in the shop for six months before all of this happened, so it's not like me and her were complete strangers. We knew of each other. We were brief acquaintances. But we started to really get to know each other last Wednesday when I came to her house to make sure she was awake when the maintenance man came to fix her leaky roof. A lot has happened since then. I guess you can't really go into a burning building, risking your life to save a stranger and then expect to not have some feelings for the girl.

_"Let me take you to the hospital." I'm not a doctor and I don't know much about healthcare. But I know that people die from smoke inhalation. She inhaled a lot of smoke._

_"You go to the hospital." She retorts, glaring at me like she really can't stand me, not even in the least. "I don't need you to worry about me." She just shakes her head and starts walking up the street. _

_"…California." The girl has nothing but a trashbag full of her belongings and a stuffed animal. What kind of man would I be if I didn't help her when the whole reason she's homeless is because of me? "I'm going to California…driving there. You can…come with me." She starts shaking her head and her mouth opens but I'm not going to let her decline. It'll kill me if I let this girl go homeless and it's my fault. "It'll beat the hell out of you trying to find somewhere else to live tonight. Just come get in the car… I'll figure it out. You'll have somewhere to sleep tonight though, at least." I shrug my shoulders._

"…_Okay." I take a sigh of relief when she agrees and grab my keys once again. I thought I was going to have to pull her teeth to get her to come with me and that would've been so annoying because I'm still trying to get the hell out of this town as soon as I possibly can._

At first, when I offered to bring her with me, I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought that asking her to tagalong to California with me would somehow make the fact that I got her house burned down alright. I thought that giving her a place to stay would make me feel better. And honestly, the first day we spent together, I was only paying for her food and stuff because I felt guilty. The only reason I was buying her food, paying for her bed to sleep at the hotel and taking care of her was because I felt extremely guilty for making her homeless. I still feel guilty and all, but somewhere along the lines, the guilt wore off. Now, the reason I'm paying for everything she needs is because I actually kind of like her. I remember when I started falling for her and I remember pushing those feelings aside. If I could go back to that time and stop myself from falling for her, I would. I swear I would.

"_Jo? Please open up. Just let me explain okay? For two seconds." I can't believe she has me standing outside her door, knocking and begging her to let me back in. I tried to kiss her and I guess she didn't want to kiss me because she shut the door. I don't want her to be mad at me. If I knew she didn't want to kiss me, I wouldn't have even tried. I knock on her door again. "…Jo, will you just open the door? Please?" I had half a mind to walk away after she pushed me away. I could've just walked down the hall to my room and let her have her hissy fit. But I didn't want to leave her mad at me. For some reason, I don't want this girl to be mad at me, ever. Just the thought of her being mad at me scares me. The thought of her never speaking to me makes me sick. I should just suck it up. I am NOT falling for this girl. I refuse to start falling for this girl. SHE IS JUST A GIRL. What am I doing? I need to leave her alone, let her have her moment and get a grip. This isn't happening. I'm not falling for this girl, just for her to do me dirty. I'm not. "Alright...I'm going to my room. But please come talk to me, whenever you're ready." I roll my eyes at myself. I need to get a grip. Why am I begging this girl to come talk to me? _

_I'm not falling for this girl. I'm just trying to be nice. I don't fall in love. Alex Karev doesn't fall in love. He has girlfriends, he has sex with girls, he breaks up with girls. He doesn't fall in love though. That's not his game. Love is for idiots that like to get hurt. Love isn't for me. Alex doesn't fall in love and I'm NOT falling in love with this random chick. I perk myself up a little and turn to walk down the hall so I can go back to my room. I'm not falling for Jo._

It doesn't even matter when I fell for her now. It doesn't matter when I started falling for her, it doesn't matter that I'm currently falling for her, it doesn't matter that I have to try and stop myself from falling for her. See, the thing is, that JO doesn't matter. She doesn't matter. She doesn't matter because once we get to California, I'm starting my new life and she's going to Massachusetts. I'll be on my own, doing my own thing in California and she'll be back in Massachusetts doing her own thing and realistically, the two of us probably won't ever see each other again after that. I'll be in Long Beach and I'll probably find a job to make me happy for the rest of my life. She'll finish up her schooling in Boston and she'll probably get a job at some hospital out there. And she'll find a man to marry someday and before long, I won't matter to her anymore either. She'll be successful and I'll be happy with my newfound life. The two of us won't matter to each other once we get to California. This road trip will be just a memory that I'll remember and a story that she'll tell her husband one day.

We should just treat this as if nothing ever happened, seriously. Because when I think about it, the more I realize that the two of us wouldn't even be interested in one another if we weren't stuck together. Let's say the house and the shop never burned down. If I never decided to write that book. She would've worked in the shop and saved up enough money and she would've been gone soon anyway. Eventually, I would've found a reason to move to California. If none of this ever happened, the two of us would never even think twice about each other. So we should just treat this as if nothing ever happened. We should treat this as if we're not going to know each other anymore after these next two weeks because we're not. What's the use in having feelings for someone you could never have? My point is, if it wasn't for the prologue of my book leaking, me and Jo probably wouldn't have even crossed each other's minds. And once we get to our destination, we can stop crossing each other's minds. What's the point in even falling for her?

I sit up in the guest bed and reach over on the nightstand to grab my phone. When I check the time, it's 1:05 in the morning. I lock my phone back up and put it back on the nightstand. Well even though I refuse to let myself catch feelings for this girl, the fact remains that I almost did something horrible to her tonight. I almost did something so horrible that I don't know how I would've lived with myself if I had done it. So because I almost did that, I still have something to make up to her. I have to make that up to her somehow and in making it up to her, I refuse to let her sleep on the couch. She deserves to be comfortable. I stand up from the bed and open the door. I think I've given her ample time to have fallen asleep by now. I wanted to wait until she was asleep before I went downstairs to get her and put her in the bed. I go to the steps and start walking down them. The entire house is dead silent, which lets me know that everyone is fast asleep. When I get downstairs, the TV in the living room is still on but the volume is turned down so low that it's barely audible.

I quietly walk further into the living room to see if she's asleep or not. She's lying flat on her back and her face is turned towards the TV, like she was watching TV all the way up until she fell asleep. Her eyes are closed peacefully and her face is expressionless. She has blankets pulled over her but they're only pulled over her waist. One of her arms is draped across her stomach and her other one is resting up by her face. Her hair is resting on one side of her chest and it's wavy. I watch her chest to see if she's breathing because she looks so peaceful. I find comfort in watching her chest bob up and down as she breathes. Before I even disturb her, I pick up her cell phone and her pajama pants so she'll have all her belongings when she wakes up upstairs. Her phone is busted to hell. It's all cracked and the screen is completely shattered. It wasn't cracked and busted like this earlier. At least I don't remember seeing it all cracked and busted. I drape her pajama pants over my arm and clutch her phone in one of my hands. I bend down and slide my arms underneath her body. Once her body is situated evenly on my forearms, I gently start lifting her up off the couch. She's not very heavy, at all.

Once I have her up in the air, I hold her with one arm against my chest so I don't drop her and bend down to hit the power button on the remote to turn the TV off. Still in a sleepy state, she moves in my arms and ends up nestling her face in my chest. She's still sound asleep though. I support her body with my other arm and start walking back towards the steps. I walk back up the steps, careful not to bump her and disturb her. When we get to the top of the steps, I bump the guest room door open with my knee and lie her down on the bed. Her breathing slows just a little bit as she takes a deep breath. "Alex..." She calls my name when she exhales but her eyes are still closed so I know she's just dreaming. _She's dreaming of me. _I put her head on a pillow and make sure she's fully covered up with blankets. "Alex…" She mumbles this time. I actually think she's awake. _She wasn't dreaming about me. She's awake. Damn. _She brings her hands up and rubs her eyes. "Alex."

"What?" I sit down at the edge of the bed with my back facing her. It was so much easier to face her when she was asleep. I can't look at her. The second I heard her voice, I heard her in my head again. _"Alex…Stop. Please, stop." _I can't look at her knowing what I almost did. I can't even look at myself, let alone her. I'm going to go sleep on the couch. I thought I'd be okay to lie in the bed with her but I can't. Not when I almost hurt her. I grab the pillow I was crying on and shove it under my arm, still avoiding looking at her. It's dark in the room so it's not like the two of us can see each other's eyes anyway. But still. I slide my slippers on my feet. _It's crazy how I had a whole plan to forget about her because we won't matter to each other, but the second I held her in my arms, I couldn't go through with that plan. _

"Where are you going?" The bed squeaks from her movements as she sits up. Her voice is still bleary with sleep but she's almost fully conscious and she's alert. "Why'd you move me?" Her voice heightens when she says "me" because she's yawning. She lets out a pretty loud groan with her yawn.

"You can have the bed. I'm going to sleep on the couch." I open up the guest room door. "Just go back to sleep."

"…I can't." Her voice is becoming clearer the more she's waking up. "I don't sleep…I was lucky enough to fall asleep once, I probably won't be able to do it again." I hear her sigh. "Can you get back in the bed?"

"No."

"Why?" Her voice sounds like she's going to pick a fight with me and I really don't want to argue with her. I don't want to. "Just come get in the bed. I'm over it, you need to get over it too. It happened, it was a mistake. Come get in the bed." I grip my hand around the doorknob and grind my teeth. I can't get in that bed with her. Getting in bed with her would be a step backwards for me. I'm trying to wean myself off of Jo, not mess around and get addicted. I get in that bed with her and my feelings get involved again. I can't do this to myself. "Alex." She calls me. I shake my head and leave out the room, shutting the door behind me. I wish I had never woken her up. I wish she had stayed asleep. If she would've stayed asleep it would've been easier for me to face her after what I did. I can't hear her voice after the last thing I embedded in my mind was her begging me to stop. I dump my pillow on the floor and go into the bathroom so I can pee before I go downstairs to go to sleep on the couch for the night.

I pull down my pants just enough to get my junk out and start pissing. I know it's going to be hard but I really have to try and be friendly with her. No touching her butt, no kissing her, no hugging her, no holding her. I don't know why Jo can't see it, but I can. I can see that we do nothing but hurt each other. Our relationship is freaking toxic. Every time we kiss or touch our hug or ANYTHING, it ends in one of us or both of us getting hurt in some way. Our relationship is toxic and one of us has to the more mature person and step away. Plus, I'm the mature one anyway. She is kind of young. Just as I'm about to finish up doing my business, the bathroom door pushes open. I stop mid-piss and look over and of course, SHE'S standing there. "Okay come on…this is crossing so many boundaries." I turn my back to face her just a little bit, while I'm still holding my junk. "Can you get out?!"

She doesn't even have the slightest playful look on her face. Her arms are folded across her chest and she's looking at my face, not my junk. "No. I won't get out. I'm not leaving." She's standing next to the door. She closes the door behind herself and just stands there. _I only have a little bit of pee left. Can she just let me finish? _"You can continue." She nods her head.

"Uh…" I kind of can't continue with her standing there watching me. She'd have a fit if I walked in on her while she was taking a piss.

"Then you'll just have to pee." She stands with her back against the door and keeps looking at me with an evil little look on her face. "This is the only place you can't walk out on me, so I'm not leaving. You're trapped. I'm not leaving and I'm not letting you leave." I keep my body turned towards her. "What, you'll let me touch it but you won't let me look at it? Oh come on, Alex…I'm not paying attention to you. It's not like you have anything to be ashamed of, anyway." I still keep my back turned. That's not the point. The point is I'm pissing and she's standing there. "Okay, then you'll just have to pee then, I don't care." She shrugs her shoulders. "But anyway, I'm not letting you ignore me. I'm not letting you. And you're not going to keep walking out on me while I'm trying to talk to you." She sounds serious. "I don't know why you're so pissy with me…or with yourself, but I'd appreciate it if you cut it out. What is your issue? If anything, I should be mad at you and I'm not. You're the one that said 'fuck you' to me. You're the one that treated me like shit, not the other way around. So why the hell are you the pissed off one?"

You know what? I don't even have to pee anymore. I just put my junk back into my shorts and start washing my hands. I run them underneath some hot water and dry them on the towel hanging up next to the mirror. I walk to the door and push past her so I can leave. She grabs my arm and squeezes. "NO. You're not going to walk out on me!" She seems very, very serious so I stop and listen to her. "Why are you mad at me? Are you…are you mad because I wouldn't let you fuck me on your mom's couch? Seriously? Is that why you're pissed?" I just start snickering. She's sooooo off base. "…Wow. You really are an ass. You're the one…you're mad at me because I didn't want to have sex with you on YOUR mother's couch. Sorry that I have manners. That's pretty freaking rude though."

"I'm not even mad at you for that, Jo. I'm laughing because you're stupid." I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's me that I'm mad at? You're so quick to assume that it's you. What if it's me, Jo? Huh? Then what?"

"…But WHY?" She stands in front of me again so I can't go without looking at her. "Why are you mad at yourself? For what? Do you…regret what happened? Do you regret doing that?"

"No."

"Then please explain to me why you're so pissed off because I'm confused."

"It isn't fun to be confused, is it?" I take the opportunity to take a dig at her.

"What?" Her eyebrows raise.

"Nothing." I mumble. She confuses me every single day. She confuses me when she pushes me away while we're kissing, while she throws up after kissing me, while she acts like I'm this horrible person and why she continuously acts like nothing's going on. She constantly pretends like this isn't a big a deal to her and I'm starting to wonder if it really isn't. She's always acting like everything we do is nothing. She did it when I kissed her in the hotel, she did it when she hugged me earlier, she did it when I grabbed her ass and she even did it when my finger was knuckle-deep inside of her a few hours ago. She confuses me every freaking day. But she flips out on me when I confuse her? "I don't regret what happened. I regret what almost happened… I do regret that."

"…How many times do I have to tell you that that was MY fault?!" She talks to me through clenched teeth with her fists bawled up. She's kind of hot as hell when she's mad. "Alex, I was paranoid! I knew you weren't going to do anything to me. I KNEW that. You're…you're the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life but I KNEW that you weren't going to hurt me. I knew that."

"Then why'd you start crying? If you knew I wasn't going to do anything, then why'd you cry?" I hover over her. "You don't know anything, Jo. You don't know what I'm capable of. You don't know what I could've done to you. You don't know me. Stop acting like you do."

"…I'm not scared of you." She looks at me like she's trying to figure me out. Like I'm a Rubik's cube and she's trying to solve me.

"I didn't say you had to be. I'm not going to hit you. I'm not a woman beater."

"I didn't mean it like that." She shakes her head. "I meant it like…" Her eyes go down to my lips but come back up to my eyes. "I know you're not going to hurt me. I don't believe you ever would. I'm not afraid of you, Alex. I'm not. I know you wouldn't do anything to me and I know you're a good person. You wouldn't hurt me. You don't scare me…you make me feel safe."

"You mean to tell me you felt safe a few hours ago when I wouldn't get off of you? You're full of shit, Jo."

"Stop trying to push me away!" She puts her hands on my shoulders. "Stop it, Alex. You don't have to. You don't have to push me away like this." Her hands creep up from my shoulders to the back of my neck. "You can insult me all you want. You can yell at me, insult me, call me names…I don't care. But just know that you don't have to. You don't have to push me away. I don't know…I don't know what you're so afraid of. I don't know what it is. But I know that you don't have to push me away." Her hands clasp together behind my neck and she rises up on her tiptoes. "But yes…I did. I felt safe, even when you wouldn't get off of me…because I knew you weren't going to hurt me. And even if…even if you didn't get off of me…I wouldn't have resisted you. It's something that I wanted too, just not on the couch." Her lips shift against each other and I feel her nervous energy. "I cried because it brought back scary memories. Not because I was afraid of you."

"…Oh." _Did she just admit to me that she was raped? I don't want to jump to conclusions here but I think that's what it sounded like. _I'm not sure if that's what she was insinuating, but by now, I know Jo's game. I know that she'll say something to me and she'll brush it off until she's ready to talk about it. So she'll tell me when she's ready. I wholeheartedly believe that she'll tell me when she's ready. "I'm still sorry." If she was trying to tell me that she was raped at some point, then I can't just keep pushing her away. She trusted me enough to tell me. So in a less-flirty but more-loving kind of way, I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her. _I promise myself…and I promise her that I'll never let anybody hurt her. For as long as she's with me, she won't get hurt. I promise that. _"I just lost control of myself for a second. You just make me… you make me…"

"I know." She cuts me off to save me the trouble of trying to put how she makes me feel into words. "You make me the same way. Sometimes I don't know when I should stop with you. Like…earlier, I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop. So I understand…and I'm not mad."

"Jo, we should just be friends." I just say it to her.

"…Okay." She takes her arms from around my neck and lets me go. "…Do you really think that's going to work?"

"It could." I take my arms from around her waist too. "It's clear that we're in over our heads. I…I flirt with you way too much. I touch you…I can't keep my hands off you. And you're not into me. We're not into each other. I think we just have mixed feelings. I think we're trying to force something that isn't there, just because we're stuck with each other. You're not into me and I'm not into you."

"But…" She bites her lip. "I think it is there, Alex…" She looks down at the floor. "There's a reason we can't keep our hands off each other. There has to be a reason." She looks back up at me. "…You mean to tell me that we can keep fighting this? I can't keep fighting it. I'm going to explode."

"But the feelings…are those there? Or is it just the sex that we want?" I look away from her. "You gotta think about that. We don't have feelings. You're just a girl and I'm just a boy and we want what we want from each other. There aren't feelings attached."

"But what if there are? What if there are feelings attached?"

"There can't be feelings attached." I say, firmly.

"Why?" She looks like she might cry.

"Because Jo! Have you even thought about the fact that this is going to be over soon?!" I accidentally yell at her. But I'm just frustrated. She doesn't think the way I think. She opens her mouth but I don't let her talk. "No…you didn't. You didn't think Jo. I know you didn't. Because this is OVER in two weeks… this is over. You're going to go back to your life and I'm going back to mine and that's IT. I'm staying in California and you're going to Massachusetts. It's over Jo. That's why there can't be feelings attached. We won't see each other again when this is over. This is just a trip. This isn't some vacation. This is a trip so that I can get to where I need to be so I can ship you off to where you need to be. We're not…soulmates or whatever. We're not going to marry each other, we're not going to be together forever. You're just a girl that I decided to help out and I'm just an asshole that you got in the car with. That's all."

"I get it." She shrugs. "We can be friends though…whatever. I'll be your friend. I think that's what's best at this point." She admits to me. "But…" She sighs and without warning, she just lifts herself up on her tiptoes and puts her lips to mine. No tongue, no open mouth. Just lip on lip. "…Now we can be friends."


	21. Don't Tell

"There can't be feelings attached." His voice is firm, without even a hint of playfulness. He's serious and for the first time since I've been on this road trip with him, I can't hear any quaking in his voice. Usually when he's talking to me, I can read the emotion expressed on his face and I can pick out the emotion in his voice. Sometimes the emotion I hear in his voice doesn't match his face and I can tell when he's bluffing to get through something. But for the first time, I can honestly say the seriousness on his face matches the seriousness and firmness that is in his voice. _Why is he saying that we can't have feelings for each other? What would be so bad if I actually did like him? If he actually liked me? _I swallow a small lump in my throat and fight off the fact that my stomach is burning just a little bit. I just don't understand what he's saying. We've been talking for a couple minutes and I swear the whole time we were talking, I completely understood everything he was saying and everything he was suggesting, I agreed with. When he said that he wasn't mad at me but he was mad at himself. I understood that. I understood when he said that I made it hard for him to stop earlier. I understood that. But I don't understand what he means when he says that we CAN'T have feelings for each other.

"Why?" I ask him. I think I might possibly know why he doesn't want to be anything more than my friend, but I need to hear it come from his mouth. I need to know for sure. I think he's basically saying that he doesn't _want _me as anything more than his friend. I get that much, I really do. I'm not unbelievably pretty, I'm not the sexiest woman alive and let's face it, I'm not exactly anybody's first choice for a girlfriend. If he thinks I'm ugly, I'd rather him just say it. I swear to god, I wouldn't be the least bit offended if he just told me that we can't have feelings attached because I'm not anything he's looking for in his girlfriend. I'd respect his honesty. I already respect the fact that he told me exactly what it is; that we're only interested in each other because he's a boy and I'm a girl and he has a penis and I have a vagina and that's just it. Still and yet, I want to hear it come out of his mouth…if he'll admit it, that is.

"Because, Jo!" The sudden change of tone in his voice makes me jump back just a little. He didn't scare me really, I just wasn't expecting him to yell all of a sudden when he's been nothing but tame so far. "Have you even thought about the fact that his is going to be over soon?!" I open my mouth to ask him what's going to be over soon, but he cuts me off without even letting me get a word in. "No…you didn't. You didn't think Jo. I know you didn't. Because this is OVER in two weeks…this is over. You're going to go back to your life and I'm going to go back to mine and that's IT. I'm staying in California and you're going to Massachusetts. It's over Jo. That's why there can't be feelings attached. We won't see each other again after when this is over. This is just a trip. This isn't some vacation. This is a trip so that I can get to where I need to be so I can ship you off to where you need to be. We're not…soulmates or whatever. We're not going to marry each other, we're not going to be together forever. You're just a girl that I decided to help out and I'm just an asshole that you got in the car with. That's all."

"I get it." I shrug my shoulders and look down at the marble tile that makes the bathroom floor. I don't know whether to be glad that my reasoning was wrong or be pissed that his excuse freaking sucks. I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand what he's saying and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't think about this as well. Of course I thought about what's going to happen once this trip is over. I know that me and Alex probably won't remain friends…or whatever we are to each other. I thought about this too. But for him to say that we can't have feelings for each other is absurd, I think. I don't feel like arguing with him about this though and while I don't particularly like it, he has a point. "We can be friends though…whatever. I'll be your friend. I think that's what's best at this point." I admit. I guess I'm glad that he has an actual excuse though. I guess I'm glad it's not because he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend—although if that was the actual reason, I don't think he'd tell me anyway—but it's nice that he has an excuse. "But…" I sigh and stand up on my tiptoes so I can reach him. I lean forward and press my lips against his for what seems like is going to be the last time. "…Now we can be friends."

I sigh again and turn around so I can go back to the guest room to try and sleep this off. I literally feel like I have no life left after this conversation. I feel like I was a basketball, all hard and mighty and strong. But I feel like this conversation stuck a needle in my side and deflated me. I don't have any energy left in me. _How does he figure that us not having feelings for each other is the best course of action to take? How does he figure that he can tell me how the hell I should feel? _If I knew that conversation was going to end the way it did, I wouldn't have even gone in the bathroom to talk to him. I make it back to the guest room and climb into the bed. Also, if I knew that earlier while we were cuddling and touching each other the way we were was going to be the last time I'd be able to cuddle with him and touch him, I would've treated it so much differently. First of all, I would've made myself get over my nervousness and I for sure would've gone down on him the way I wanted to. And I definitely wouldn't have stopped him when he got me close. I would've just let him make me if I knew we weren't going to do that again. And I probably wouldn't have acted so nonchalant. I would've made the most of that time. I just figured that I'd have many more opportunities to go down on him, to let him make me orgasm, to actually enjoy myself. I didn't know that my first opportunity would've been my last.

Honestly...I thought that if I had enjoyed that the way I wanted to enjoy that, my head would've popped off. I thought that I was doing myself a favor by scaling it down and pretending to be interested in the movie while he was touching me because if I had made it as big a deal as it actually was to me, I would've screamed and I would've flipped out and I would've exploded in a pile of happiness. And I probably would've thrown up. I'm just scared that it'll happen again honestly. I'm scared that if I let myself feel the way I want to feel while I'm around Alex, I'll end up throwing up every single time. I really thought I was doing myself a favor when I was acting disinterested. I guess I wasn't.

"Does your offer still stand though?" I hear his voice speak out through the darkness. I turn to the side so I'm facing the door and squint my eyes in an attempt to see him through the darkness. He's standing in the doorway with his pillow tucked under his arm. I sit up in the bed and just look at him. How could I say no? He's standing in the doorway like a child, holding his pillow and asking his mommy to sleep in the bed as if he's afraid of monsters under his own. Just because I know he can't see me, I mouth the word "aww" to myself and smile. He can't make out my face because I can't make out his, but the two of us can make out shadows and movements. I scoot over in the bed and pull the covers back as a silent form of "yes." He shuts the door and comes over to the bed on the side I cleared out for him. "Thanks." He mumbles as he makes himself comfortable between the sheets. I nod my head and make myself comfortable as well.

"…Do you really think we won't still be friends after this?" I lie down flat on my back and stare up at the ceiling. I won't lie, that comment has been bothering me ever since he said it. I know that once we get to California things will be different. I know that he's starting his own life when we get there and I know that he plans on giving me money for a plane ticket to get to Massachusetts. Ii know it won't be the same as it is now, but I kind of envisioned us still being friends in a way. Does he really think we won't be? "We can be long distance friends. I can text you to see if you're okay and you can text me. Does the distance really mean we can't be friends? I don't…" I sigh and hold back tears. "I don't ever want to stop being your friend, Alex. You saved my life…how do we just stop being friends after that?"

"I'm not saying that I won't still think of you, Jo." He slides his leg up and bends his knee. I think he's looking at me but I refuse to turn my head and look at him when I have tears welling up in my eyes. "You were a pain in my ass at times but you really are my best friend. I've only been talking to you for the last week and you already know more about me than most people do. We're always going to be buddies, that won't change. And yeah, you can always text me or call me if you need anything while you're doing your thing at Harvard. You can still talk to me. But let's be honest, you're gonna be busy…I'm gonna be busy. Before we know it, we'll forget about each other and this trip will just be a story to tell someday. You can always text me though…that won't ever change."

"I don't think I'll ever forget this trip. I'm only 23…and in twenty years when I'm 43, I'll still remember. I'll remember you. I can't just forget somebody that went into a burning building for me." I finally have a control on the tears, so I turn my head and our eyes meet. He's listening to me so intently that he's not even blinking as much as he should be. He's just listening. "And I gave up on Harvard...I'm not going. I mean…I still want to go to Massachusetts and see if I can find a job out there to hopefully pay my deposit. But I've kind of already got it in my head that it's not going to happen. I might've been okay if none of this had happened with my house and the store and stuff. But there's theoretically no possible way that I'm going to be able to save up enough money by the time they want it. I kind of already know that I'm not going but I don't think I'd like myself very much if I didn't at least try and make it work."

"Why aren't you going? You can't just give up, Jo. It's possible for you to save up that money. It's possible. Don't count it out. Why do you think it's so impossible?"

"Because it is, Alex…" I put my tongue in my cheek. "I got accepted into Harvard three…almost four months ago. They gave me six months to pay the money before they give my spot away. I did everything I needed to do to get in. I passed my MCATs with flying colors, I did 70 hours' worth of volunteer work at Princeton Children's, I kept my GPA at a 4.34 throughout college…I did everything I needed to do and I really wasn't expecting them to ask me for money. But the only reason they did is because Harvard's prestigious and they only take the serious students. And they bypassed the waiting list to let me in." I sigh just thinking about it. Going to medical school was my goal from the start. I changed my career choice so many times throughout the years, but it was always some kind of doctor. As a freshman in high school, I wanted to be a pediatrician. As a sophomore, it was an obstetrician. Junior year, I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist but I realized that I didn't want to deal with cancer kids dying on me, so I switched to an orthopedist senior year. But no matter what, med school was always the goal. I got into my dream school and I can't even go. "If it was $1,200, I probably could swing it. But they're asking for $4,500…"

"You can do it Jo…don't give up." He looks me square in my eyes. "Don't give up. You can make that money and you know you can. But if you give up then you're just quitting. You're giving up on everything you ever wanted. I can see that this is something you really want and you're so headstrong and independent…you can do it. You can't quit yourself and you can't quit your dream. Imagine where everyone would be if they just gave up on their dream. Don't doubt yourself and don't give up." I sigh and look away from him. I mean, I guess I could just work my ass off. I could go to Massachusetts and get two jobs and work my ass off…and hope that I'll make that money in time. He's right. I could. But…I don't know. What if I can't? "…You graduate med school and I'll personally fly out to be at your graduation."

"Thought you said we won't remember each other by then." The fact that he just told me that he'd be willing to fly across the country just to watch me graduate med school makes me smile. I kind of just want to go to Massachusetts and work my ASS off just so I can give him something to come watch. I'd like it if he came to watch me graduate from med school.

"Well as long as you don't forget me…" He smiles at me too. But his smile is so off-kilted and goofy. It's like he doesn't really know exactly how to smile naturally so he just gives a slight smirk. I think it's cute. "If you still remember me by then, make sure you send me a text or a card or something to say you graduated. I'll buy a first-class ticket to Boston just to watch you walk across the stage. And if your husband or boyfriend doesn't mind, I'll even take you to dinner. You can hold me to this promise. But you have to graduate. You can't give up."

"..Deal." I bawl my hand up into a fist and hold it up. He bumps his fist against mine as our own personal form of shaking hands on the deal. "…Was it ever hard for you to keep going? You're a…writer. Was that ever hard?" I don't know if I should be talking to him about this or not. He always seems so hesitant to talk to me about Michael Evans. I don't know if I should ask him about it or not. "If so…how'd you tell yourself it was okay? Because I gotta be honest, I can't keep picking myself up all the time. So how'd you pick yourself up?"

"Well…in the beginning…I had my dad." He kind of shrugs his shoulders but it looks weird because he's lying down. "It is hard, you know? To be an author, I mean. You gotta put yourself out there. I had three companies turn me down before someone picked me up. And I mean yeah, it gets hard…it gets real hard to keep listening to people tell you 'no'. But in the beginning when I was just starting out, I had my dad. And he's a big part of the reason I got into it." He doesn't seem to be shying away from talking about being a writer anymore. Does this mean he's starting to get comfortable around me? "My dad was the one that sent in my first manuscript because I was too afraid of rejection to do it myself. He just did it one day and it took off from there. And then I started to become more and more confident. I always told myself that I wouldn't be selling millions of books if there wasn't something about them that was good, you know? So that was a big confidence booster."

"But I don't have anyone. I don't have parents to support me, friends to support me. I don't have people…so then what?" I sit up and lie back down on my side, propping myself up on my elbow.

"You have me…" He says in a voice pretty low. "I support you. I'm not letting you give up on going to med school, so that's support…isn't it? I support you. And I'm telling you that you have what it takes to go through with it. Jo, you're smart. You're brilliant. I don't understand why you can't see it when everybody else does. You're so smart. It'll be a shame to watch you let it go to waste. I'm telling you not to give up, I'm telling you that you're going to medical school. I support you. Don't say you have nobody. I'm your friend and I support you."

"I meant…like…I don't have anybody to give me that extra push. You had your dad to submit your work when you were too afraid to. I don't have somebody to push me into it. I don't have somebody to fall back on. I don't have people to give me that extra push. You did."

"I see what you're saying." He shifts his position so he's sitting up on his elbow and looking at me as well. "You'll figure it out though. You're smart, you'll get it all figured out. And once you figure it out, it'll be all worth it. I promise."

"I mean yeah…you figured it out." I raise my eyebrows at him in a teasing fashion. "Mr. Hard-Ass is actually the biggest romance writer of the freaking century. Tries to act like he's the big bad wolf when in reality, he's the softest teddy bear in the toy store."

"Yeah, yeah…settle down." He shakes his head at me and sighs. "I'm done writing though, so maybe I'm a bad example."

"Wait…what?! Why are you done writing?!" I look at him with so much intensity. He can't be done writing. He's freaking GENIUS at writing stories. How could he just stop?!

"I don't have a reason to anymore…and I don't really have anything to write about." He explains.

"So…you're giving up, but you're telling me not to?!"

"Writing isn't like getting into med school, Jo. If I don't have any inspiration, I can't write about something. It's not like I need to write, I just choose to. I'm giving it up though. It's not fun for me anymore." I can see the pain written on his face. I think he might be telling a lie to me. I don't think he wants to give up writing. I don't think he's lying about it not being fun, but I think he's lying when he says that he's just willingly giving up. There's a reason why he's giving up. I can see that on his face. "We need to go to bed. I have to drive tomorrow….all the way down to Wichita." He lies down flat against the bed and pulls covers over himself. "Night Jo."

"…Wait." I put my hand on his chest to stop him from settling in. "…Can we start being friends tomorrow? Or…or can we try that cuddling thing again as friends?" I ask him straight out. I have to admit that I wish what happened on the touch tonight never escalated further than us just holding each other the way we were. I actually liked lying against his chest and feeling his arms around me. I liked that more than the actual fingering and touching thing, actually. I miss that. I want to go back to that. I feel like tonight would've ended so much differently if we never tried to escalate things further than just cuddling with one another.

"…Yeah." He nods his head and turns over on his side. "Let's try this again." He holds up the covers so I can easily adjust my position and welcomes me over to him with open arms. I scoot over so I'm closer to him and let myself fall into his arms. He wraps one of his arms around my waist and starts smuggling the other one underneath of my body too. I lift myself to make it easier and now, both his arms are around my waist. I tuck my arms underneath my body and rest my hands flat against his chest. I put my head in the crease between his shoulder and his chest and close my eyes. He puts his chin on top of my head and since his hands are resting against my lower back, his fingertips start tracing the little bit of exposed skin on it. "Your hair smells good." He says, his voice muffled because his chin is against my head and he didn't move it before he started talking.

"Thanks." To reciprocate the fact that he's rubbing my back, I start dragging my hands along his chest as well. He's making me so sleepy by rubbing my back. "…Alex?" I call his name just to make sure he's still there. I have something to tell him but I'm falling asleep as I'm about to say it. Since my head is against his chest, his voice is loud and booming in my ear. He mumbles "hmm" to let me know he's listening. "...You can't give up writing." The smell of his skin and his shirt is hypnotizing me. I can't stay awake much longer. "I…won't…" This is the fastest I've fallen asleep in years. "Let you…" My voice trails off and for the first time in a very long time…

I don't have to fight to go to sleep.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Josephine Elizabeth Wilson…" I brace the phone against my ear using my shoulder and start rummaging through my backpack full of clothes. I don't know why I was expecting this to be easier than what it's proving to be, but I really didn't know that I was going to have to jump through all these damn hurdles just to do this. I was expecting this to be just a little simpler. "No, she's not my wife…" It doesn't seem like they're going to let me do this if I'm of no relation to her. So it looks like I'm going to have to lie a bit. "She's my daughter." I cringe when I think about Jo being my daughter. I'm in no way, shape or form old enough to be her father but the thought just freaks me out a bit. That's creepy. "May 5th, 1992." _They really want me to freaking prove that she's my daughter. _"She graduated from Princeton last summer. She's 23 years old." _The lady seems like she's letting up a bit. _"No, I don't know her social security number off the top of my head but if you wait a while, I can get it."

I can't get her social security number but I'm hoping that this woman will just tell me that she doesn't need it. I'm just trying to prove that Jo's my daughter. "I don't know where she was…she's adopted. We adopted her when she was ten." I really can't find what I'm looking for in my bag. "No, I don't know her admitted student ID number…I'm actually trying to pay this as a…a late birthday gift. It's a surprise, I don't want her to know." I pull that excuse out of my ass. _Finally, thank freaking GOD. She's letting up. _"Yes, I know there's a hold on her admission. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to pay." Finally, I find it. "Um…can you pull her file and tell me how much she owes?" Ii pull my wallet out of the bag and throw it on the ground. "$4,936.79 for the spot in the program? And an additional $545.66 admissions fee?" The lady on the phone lets me know that I heard her right. "For a total of 5482.45?" _Damn. I don't even think Jo knew exactly how expensive this is. WOW. _"Credit card payment. Do you take over-the-phone payments?" I grab my platinum card and look down at the numbers. "4000-1234-5678-9010." I read the numbers off the back of my card. "0809." I give her the four digits off the back. "12/23." I also give her the expiration date. "You can send her information to 1123 Pacific Avenue in Long Beach, California. She'll get it there." _FINALLY! _"Thank you, ma'am. Have a nice day." I politely say and hang the phone up. So Jo's going to med school…officially, she's going to med school.

I stuff all my things back into my backpack and zip it up. I open the door and leave out of the bathroom. I don't know when I should tell her what I just did, but I'll tell her eventually. I just want to make sure she wouldn't be mad at me for it. Jo's just so independent and so stubborn. I don't know if she'll be mad at me for paying this money for her but I will say one thing; I don't regret it. I'm not letting her give up on her dream. If I let her give up, then this trip was useless. She can't just not go to med school. I won't let her. I open the door to the guest room back up and drop my backpack on the ground next to her things. She's still in bed fast asleep. I hate to wake her up when she's sleeping so soundly but we have to get going within the next hour if we're going to make it to Wichita by dark. I stand beside the bed and sit down in the empty spot I left when I woke up this morning. All night last night, she slept in my arms. She didn't move, she didn't budge, she didn't even snore. She just slept right in my arms all night. "Jo." I rub her back to wake her. "…Wake up, Jo. Wake up…" I really wish I could lean down and kiss her right on her cheek as she wakes up but I remind myself that I'm trying to keep this friendly. "Jo…" I keep rubbing her back.

She lifts her head up very slowly. "Hmmm?" She sounds like she's mad, probably mad that I woke her up.

"Sorry…but you've gotta get up. We're leaving…" _How does she look so perfect at any given time? _She just woke up and she looks like she just stepped off a runway. Her wavy, bouncy hair is strewn all over her head but it falls in a way that makes it look like she styled it to do that. Her eyes are big but groggy with sleep and even though she has red sleep lines all over the side of her face, she looks like she's ready to model some more. "…You've got a little drool on your cheek." I point it out and reach out to wipe it. She pushes my hand away and wipes it herself. She's embarrassed that she drooled but she shouldn't be. I didn't think her drool was gross, it was cute. "You slept hard."

"I did…" She looks like she's still struggling to fully wake up. She missed a spot of drool so I reach out again to wipe it but again, she swats my hand away. "Come on, stop… I never drool." She's so embarrassed that I start laughing. "I really never drool, I don't know what happened. Don't make fun of me." She keeps wiping and I'm still laughing. "Stop it… it was a good sleep. I haven't slept that good in forever. I was knocked out."

"No…no, I totally get it. Good sleeps are like that sometimes. I'm not making fun of you. You drooled…that's how I know it was a good sleep." She's still wiping her face off to make sure she doesn't miss anything else and I just watch her. "…You didn't move last night either. You were just knocked out." As for me, I didn't sleep much last night. The way I was holding her prevented me from getting a really restful sleep. She didn't move at all last night which meant that I couldn't move because I didn't want to disturb her slumber. I'm a mover while I sleep. So last night's sleep wasn't ideal for me, but she slept well and that's all that I really care about. She yawns and blows her breath all out. She doesn't even have morning breath. Or maybe she does but she's too perfect for me to even notice it. "My mom's making breakfast…we can eat and then leave, alright?" She nods her head. "Alright. Get dressed. I'll meet you downstairs." I stand up from the bed but she grabs my wrist and pulls.

"Wait, Alex…" Her voice is so innocent, like she's begging me not to leave. I stop trying to walk away and I look down at her. "..I…I slept on it." She starts out looking directly in my eyes but when she starts to talk, she looks down. My phone buzzes from a text message in my back pocket but I'm too busy listening to her talk to get it. "And I think…" She bites her lip. "…I think that… I think that if two people have mutual attraction, then maybe it's just not meant for them to be friends. And I think that if those two people were careful, they could make it work…if there are feelings involved." She ends up looking in my eyes again. "I think those two people should probably just make the time they have left together count because it's limited. I don't think those two people—or anybody, for that matter—should have to fight their feelings if the feelings are there." She looks away again. "That's just what I think."

I push the home button on my phone to see what the text message I just got was about. And the only thing I can do after hearing her say that and after reading the text I just got is exactly what I do. I lean down and put my lips against her forehead. I rub the back of her neck while I kiss her forehead and pull away. "I'll meet you downstairs." I say again. She nods her head and keeps her head down. I turn around and leave out the guest room. Before I start walking down the stairs to be with my mom, her husband and Amber, I put my head down on the bannister next to the steps. _What the hell did I just do? WHAT did I just do? _I reach my hands up and pull my hair so hard that I give myself a headache. _WHAT DID I JUST DO?! _I just got a friggin' text message. I got THE text message. I just made a mistake. I fucked up big time. I just made the biggest mistake of my life…

I have my bank and my cards set up to send text messages to my phone once a transaction has been made on either of my cards. I set it up like that just to be safe, so I'd know any time money was taken off my card. And I just got the text message that told me that $5482.45 was just taken off my platinum card. I screwed up. I screwed up. I paid her deposit, I paid for her to attend and now she has to go. The money is nonrefundable, the lady told me that on the phone. I just paid for her to go to med school. I'm going to California and I just paid for her to go to Massachusetts. She just told me that she wants to try and make this work and I just paid money for her to LEAVE ME at the end of this trip. I screwed up. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go. I want to try and make this work too and I want her to come with me to California and I want her to stay with me. I want her to be with me and I want us to stay in California together. I don't want her to go. I don't want her to leave me.

_She doesn't have to know that you paid it. She doesn't have to know. You don't have to tell her, you can always just not tell her. And you can persuade her to settle and go to med school in California. She doesn't have to know you paid for her to go to Massachusetts. Who says you have to tell her? $5,500 is nothing. It's a drop in the bucket compared to the money you have. Who cares if it's nonrefundable? It's just $5,500. She can just think that she never had the money to go. She already thinks that. She doesn't have to go to Massachusetts. You can keep her with you. Instead of losing her, just don't tell her. _Harvard's not going to call her and tell her that they got her money. Harvard isn't going to chase after her. And they won't say anything if Jo just doesn't show up on the first day of classes because either way, they still pocketed my money. They're going to send her information package to my house in Long Beach but I'll get the mail and I'll toss it before she even gets the chance to see it. I don't have to tell her that I paid her deposit if I don't want to tell her. She can't go. She can't leave me. If she leaves me to go to some school on the east coast while I'm on the west coast, then what about me? What about me? What am I going to do without her? Long distance relationships never work. I can't let her go. I don't want her to go anymore. She can just settle and go to school in California. Not Massachusetts. Not 50,000,000,000 miles away from me in California. I can't let her do that to me.

I'm just not going to tell her. She doesn't have to know.


	22. Faking

**A/N:** Little bit of **M **Rated content in this chapter.

* * *

"Does this mean that things are going to change?" She rests her backside against the countertop and folds her arms across her chest as she looks at me. Her long, blonde hair is tied up in a high ponytail and for the first time since I've been here, she has no makeup on. She's fresh and clear and I can see her actual face. And in her actual face, I recognize the same, deep green eyes that she gave to me. She looks like my mom, just tired and worn down by life itself. She looks just like the mom that left me behind though. The mom that I begged not to leave when she did, the mom that used to bake cupcakes for my kindergarten class, the mom that used to kiss me and embarrass me in front of all my friends and inevitably, the mom that left us. And I thought that I'd hate her, I thought that I'd be mad. I really thought this trip would be a total and complete disaster. But I'm not mad…not at all. I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. And this trip was well worth it, it seems. "Are you gonna…" She turns her coffee cup up to her lips and takes a sip. "Come visit me more often?"

"I'd like to ma, yeah." I nod my head and stand right in front of her so we can talk. Jo and I are leaving in ten minutes so we can make it to Wichita by at least 6:00, so this is probably going to be the last time I get to talk to my mom like this for a while. Amber dragged Jo upstairs for one last final goodbye, Donald went outside to put the pool cover on since it's supposed to rain later and it's just me and mom in the kitchen. I scratch the back of my head to better think about how I should put this because I don't want to lie to her. "I mean, I don't think it'd be feasible for me to fly out here or drive out all the time but I'll definitely come out more than I have." Which isn't a lie. I will come out here and I will visit more than I have visited in the past, now that the ice is broken between us. I put my hands in my pockets and slouch my shoulders. "I'll call more often…and you can call me if you need anything. I'll come out every chance I can."

"That sounds good. Maybe we'll come out to California to visit you sometime too." She takes another sip of her coffee and holds onto the cup like it's her lifeline. I'm usually pretty good at reading energies and being able to tell how a person is feeling. I think my mom is feeling nervous, like she doesn't know what else to say to me. But she finds her voice eventually and she figures out what to say. "I just want things to change. I don't want to go years without seeing you again. I…" She puts her coffee mug down on the counter and looks at me with tears lining the rims of her eyes, making her eyes look really sparkly. "I already missed out on so much. I can't rewind and go back, but I can make up for lost time. I don't want things to be this way anymore."

"I know, ma. I know." I take a step towards her and give her a hug. I don't know if I believe in the heavens or if I believe in hell. I don't know about the afterlife and I don't know if it's true when people say that their dead loved ones are looking down on you. But I like to think that pop is proud right now. I like to think that he's looking down on me and ma hugging and he's smiling. I don't know if I believe in that, but it sure is a comforting notion. "I don't want things to be like this anymore either. Things will change." I rub my hands on her back and keep hugging her until I feel like it's time to let go. She wraps her arms around my back and rests her head on my chest. I'm a little bigger now than I was when she used to do this, but still and yet, she forces my head on her shoulder just like she used to do when I was a little boy. And she rubs the back of my head as well. _Maybe she really did miss me all those years. She didn't forget. She remembers and she still has that touch. _"You can let me go now, ma…"

"Shh." She keeps rubbing the back of my head and holding me like I'm not a foot taller than her and a hundred pounds heavier. "I'm proud of you, Alex…you hear?" _She is? What's she so proud of me for? _I loosen up and let her do what she's doing to me. "I'm so proud of you…the man you've become." I close my eyes while I lie on her chest so I can attempt to enjoy this. "You turned out great, baby. I'm so proud…your dad did a wonderful job." _Why do feel like she shouldn't be proud of me though? Don't be proud of me, ma. I don't deserve it. _"I haven't held you in years, so don't cut this short." She whispers to me. It kind of feels good to have mom holding me the way she is. I remember the last time she gave me a hug like this. At the time, I didn't realize that it was the last time she would hug me like that so I didn't appreciate it. If I knew then that it was going to be the last time though, I definitely would've cherished it more. So I guess I can make up for lost time. I put my arms around her and squeeze her tight so I can hug her back.

"_I think your dad's gonna bring you back for Easter, okay?" Like I'm four years old instead of fourteen years old, she kneels down in front of me and puts her hand against my cheek. "So I'll see you on Easter, baby." She puts her hands on my shoulders and turns her head up to me. "You gonna miss me?" She starts zipping up my coat for me as she talks. _

_I push her hands away and roll my eyes. "Mom, I can do it…I'm fourteen." I zip up my own coat and shove my hands in my pockets. My backpack is getting a little bit heavy on my back from all the stuff she bought me. I kind of like waking up Christmas morning at pop's and getting presents from him. And it's also nice to come to ma's a week after Christmas and get the presents she bought me too. I got a couple new PlayStation games, clothes, a new pair of shoes and an empty 1,000 page journal for me to write in. Oh, and I got a sister for Christmas. She can go to hell for all I care but I have a sister that slobbers more than she breathes. _

"_Alright." She stands up and gives me a hug. Since I'm tall and she's short, my head has to go on her shoulder. I put my head on her shoulder and she rubs me on my head. "I'll see you on Easter. And keep an eye out for the mail…I have something I want to send you for your birthday." She kisses me on my forehead and rubs the kiss in like she always does. Unashamedly, I wipe the kiss off with the back of my hand. "You'll be fifteen in a couple days, baby…" She smiles so wide that I'm annoyed. She's such a…a…A MOM. Outside, there's a horn that blares. Pop must be here. "That's your dad…" She sighs. "I'll see you in a couple months, honey…okay?" She hugs me tight and kisses me on the cheek. "I love you Ally…"_

"_Bye mom."_

In hindsight, I kind of wish that I would've taken her hugs and her kisses in stride. I wish I wasn't stuck on thinking I was too grown and too old for my mom to hug and kiss me. And I wish I didn't let Amber ruin my Christmas trip the way I did. I just remember walking through the door to come visit my mom for Christmas and she had a snot-nosed, chubby-cheeked, blonde-haired little baby on her hip. A baby with a green pacifier shoved in her mouth but still somehow found a way to drool onto the floor. I was irritated when I saw that I suddenly had a sister and she was almost one year old. While mom was in the kitchen fixing Christmas cookies that night, I sat on the floor and interacted with Amber. She wasn't so bad. She climbed all over me, smacked her hands against my head and said "uh oh!" every time I said "ouch." I remember lying on my back and balancing her on my feet while I held her hands. She laughed so hard that she drooled down into my eyeball and I never balanced her on my feet again. She cried when I put her down but I stuck a piece of hard-tack candy in my mouth to soften the sharp edges on it, then I let her suck on it. That shut her up. Amber wasn't so bad but I was still pissed off at the fact that my mom had another baby, you know?

She takes her arms from around my body and finally lets me go. I take my arms from around her as well and step back. "Have a safe trip, baby. And make sure you call me once you get here…lemme know you got there safe."

"I will." I mumble. "And call me if you need anything, ma….anything." She nods her head at me. "And you can call me if you need help…" I really hope she catches the drift about what I mean when I say "help." I think she does because she nods her head slower this time. When I said that, I meant that she could call me if she needs help for money to get back into rehab or something. I have this newfound hope that she'll stay clean. She's been clean for six years and I really don't think she'll relapse. I have faith in her. I believe she'll stay clean. But on the off chance that she goes back to being an addict, she can always call me and I'll help her get back into rehab. I swear on pop's grave I'll help my mom out if she needs it. It's sad that it took this trip for us to reconnect, but I'm awful glad too. I don't feel so angry anymore. I feel lighter, almost. Like I don't have to walk around harboring hatred for anybody. I know my sister and she's a pretty cool kid. I'm still not real fond of Donald, but he seems like he's a nice guy. And while I still resent the fact that she wasn't there for me while I was growing up, I have closure and peace of mind when it comes to my mother. I'm glad I came here. I wish I had done it sooner though. "We'd better get going." I look at the clock on the stove and nod. "Yeah…we'd better go." I pick my bag up off the back of the kitchen chair and sling it over my shoulder.

"Oh and Alex…" She calls me and I turn to face her again instead of walking away. "Can you make sure you send us an invite to the wedding?" She asks. I furrow my eyebrows at her. I really don't know what she's talking about. I have no idea what she even means, to be honest. She looks around like she's trying to make sure nobody's around to hear her. "You and Jo's wedding." She elaborates. I roll my eyes at her and shake my head. "Don't roll your eyes at me… send us an invite. You know, once you decide to stop denying the fact that you two are an item. And when you decide to pop the question…make sure we get an invite."

"It's really not like that with me and Jo." I say it for the hundredth time since I've been in this house. For some reason though, when I say it this time, it doesn't have as much meaning as it once did. When I said it before, it had so much more meaning than it does now. Saying it now seems surreal almost. At this point, I'm not even sure that I believe myself when I say it and it's coming out of MY mouth. "There's not going to be a wedding. Don't get your hopes up on that." I _am _pretty sure about that much. It's definitely not like that between me and Jo. It's hardly like a relationship with me and Jo and I seriously doubt that it'll ever become marriage-serious between the two of us. It's definitely not like that.

"Well we love her, just so you know." She says. I roll my eyes. "What? I'm serious. She's welcome here any time. She's a real sweetheart."

"Yeah, well." I shrug my shoulders and sigh. "I'll see you."

"Bye Alex."

**X X X **

Aside from the fact that it's raining just a little, it's actually a beautiful Kansas day. It's bright and sunny outside but there are just a little bit of clouds in the sky to house the rain. It's not raining hard enough to ruin the day but it is raining hard enough to warrant my windshield wipers being on. The windows are up since it's raining and all the sound is trapped inside the car. The only sound is coming from the humming of the vents that let the air from my air conditioning system in, the rhythmic pitter-patter of rain falling on the windows and the occasional scraping of my wipers across the windshield. Music is playing very softly but it's only loud enough to be background noise to me because Jo is fast asleep in the passenger's seat. Her seat is reclined back just a little and her head is resting against the doorframe while her back is turned towards me. Her arms are folded across her chest and her knees are pulled up and tucked under her body. She's lying in a fetal position and it's kind of eye-opening for me to see that she is small enough to fit her entire body on the chair as long as it's reclined back a little bit. She has her hair tied back in a low, barely intact ponytail that rests in wavy lengths in the middle of her back. She's been asleep since we've been driving. She was awake when I pulled out of my mom's driveway, but she passed out soon after that.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this whole school situation. I paid for her to attend her dream school and she decided to tell me that she wants to try our hand at a relationship. Right now, I don't know what the right decision is. I can follow my current plan with not telling her that I paid her deposit and just end up keeping her with me so we can be together in California. Or I can just tell her that I don't want to be in a relationship with her, tell her that I paid her deposit and just let her go. I can stay in California and she can go to Massachusetts and I can just spend the rest of my damn life wondering if what I did was right or wrong. I could try and talk her into just flat-out going to med school in California. UCLA has a pretty good medical program and if she got accepted into Harvard, she'd definitely get into UCLA. I have the most beautiful beach house out there in California. I know once Jo sees it, she'll love it. We can have everything in California together. I could go to Massachusetts with her but I already know that I won't be happy in Massachusetts. I just don't know what I'm going to do. Right now, it seems like the only solid option is not telling her about me paying the deposit. If something happens before the end of this trip—like if she pisses me off or we see that a relationship won't work between us—then I'll tell her about the deposit. I'll let her go if we can't make this work. But right now, I can't. I can't let her go. I can't let her leave me. If she leaves me, then what? What do I do?

I slow down to a stop as I'm stuck behind an SUV that's currently paying the toll. I wait my turn to pay it and just sit back. I glance over at her to make sure she's breathing. Her body pulsates up and down to let me know that she is. With the way she's laying, her shirt is bunched up around her waist and her pants aren't all the way up on her waist. Her pants are down so low that the dimples on her lower back are exposed and if her pants were down any lower than they are, her butt crack would be hanging out. She didn't dress to impress today at all. She rolled out of the bed and threw on a pair of dark grey sweatpants that are loose around her legs and her feet but tight and gripping around her waist. They must've been a little long for her legs because they're rolled up a couple times around her waist. Her shirt is black and light blue with the characters from Star Wars collaged all over it. Her socks are light grey and her feet are so small that they'd probably fit in my hands perfectly. It's like every part of her body just matches. She's a small person so she has baby feet. She has long, sexy legs that lead up to the most perfect ass I've ever seen. Her waist is slim that leads up to a thin torso. She's just perfect in my eyes.

She and Amber are around the same size, which I find strange because Jo looks like she's so much smaller than Amber. After holding Jo hostage in her room for half an hour before we left the house this morning, Jo came out of Amber's room with a purple plastic bag full of clothes. I guess Amber was up early sorting through all the clothes she's taking to college with her and all the clothes she's throwing out and somehow, Jo ended up with all the clothes she wanted to throw away. I guess the two of them are the same size but it really, really seems like Jo is at least three times smaller than Amber is. Not that Amber's chubby or fat or anything because she's not. She just has a broader structure than Jo does. Amber's body type is athletic and a little bulky because she's been playing sports for a long time. Jo's not disgustingly skinny but she's not in the least bit bulky. She's bony and she's little. Her body is the perfect balance though, because she's thin and quite tiny but her body is curvy and she's not flat. Her ass is nice for her size and her boobs aren't huge but they're big enough to make me happy. She's definitely not an A-cup; she's probably a B-cup.

I stop looking at her so much and push on the gas so I can take my turn and pay the toll. I reach in my change holder and grab as much change as I can hold. I don't feel like counting out two bucks and thirty cents, so I just toss my handful of change in the bin. I overpaid but I don't care. The arm comes up and lets my car through. I speed along down the road but switch into the slower lane because there's an exit I have to take to get off this highway and onto another one. I have to stop at a gas station too. I have to fill up my tank because it's pretty close to empty here. From the corner of my eye, I see her start to move. Since I'm driving on a straight highway, I look over to see what her issue is. It looks like she's shivering, so I reach forward and slap the vents shut so the cold air will stop blowing on her. She stops shivering almost immediately and I look away. I flick my turn signal on and turn left into the lot of a Marathon gas station. I pull up to an available pump, put my car in park and shut it off. I pick up my wallet and get out of the car, careful to shut my door softly so I don't wake her. I lock my doors even though I'm just running inside for two short seconds. I don't really like the thought of Jo being alone in the car with the doors unlocked for even two seconds.

Before I go to the register to pay for my gas, I walk back to the freezer section. I pick myself up a cold bottle of Mountain Dew and a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. I'm not sure what Jo would want to eat. I don't know her taste just yet. She did drink raspberry iced tea at the last hotel we stayed at, so I open up the fridge and pick up a can of raspberry Arizona iced tea. I grab a bag of plain potato chips for her because you can't go wrong with a bag of plain potato chips. Everybody likes potato chips, right? I pile everything up on the counter and the worker starts ringing me up while she's smacking loudly and obnoxiously on chewing gum. She has really long black and red hair, an eyebrow piercing and skin so pale white that she could be a ghost. "And $50 on pump four." I tell her. She nods and punches something into a computer. She shoves all my food into a bag keeps smacking on that gum like it's the best tasting thing in the world. I slide my credit card, accept the amount on the touchscreen and put it back into my wallet. "Thanks." I mutter at the girl, snatch my bag up off the counter and walk out the doors. I open up the driver's side door of my car and sit the bag of food down on the seat. Jo's still asleep.

I shove the gas dispenser inside my gas tank and hold the handle in to pump it. Surprisingly, I'm not even that tired. I thought for sure that I would be tired while driving today since I didn't sleep well last night but I'm really not. I had a cup of coffee back at my mom's house when I woke up this morning and that's been treating me pretty well. Jo's going to be awake all damn night with how much she's been sleeping. I jiggle the handle on the gas pump to make sure all the gas is out and hang it back up on the holder. I shut my gas tank and get back into the car. I put the bag of food in the middle of the two seats and start the car. When the engine turns over, that's when she wakes up. "…Good morning?" Her back is still turned to me but her head is up and she's moving around a little bit. I let her back the moment to wake up and pull out of the gas station. She still hasn't said anything, but she put her head back down. "And goodnight again."

"I'm not sleep…" She whines and shifts her position to face me. For the second time today, she has sleep lines on her cheek and her eyes are so wide. She's so cute when she first wakes up. "I wasn't really sleeping in the first place. I was resting…"

"Yeah right, you were knocked out again."

"I really wasn't." She yawns and shakes her head. "I was just resting. I knew everything that was going on but I was like…in that stage between being awake and being asleep. I heard you pay the toll…and I knew you were pumping gas. But I was out of it." She rubs her eyes and yawns again. "…I'm an insomniac, I don't sleep."

"You slept last night."

"Yeah…for the first time in like…ever." She reaches over and puts her chair back up to its normal position. "I used to be medicated for my sleeping habits, no joke. I'm an insomniac. I can't ever just go to sleep the way I did last night." She reaches back and takes her ponytail out and shakes her hair with her hands. "I don't sleep. I haven't slept the way I slept last night in a very long time." She yawns once again and puts her head back against the headrest of the seat. "You're gonna have to do what you did to me last night more often." She rubs her eye with her thumb and wipes her hands on her sweatpants. "That was good…"

"Do what? Finger you?" Well it's nice to know she liked it because seriously, I was starting to get the impression that she hated it. I kind of felt like I was doing something against her will last night when she was just lying there at first. I'm glad to know that she liked it and she's open to do it again. She doesn't say anything to be though. So once I get on the highway I need to be on to get to Wichita, I look over at her. Her face is blank and she looks severely annoyed and unamused. "What?" I ask her.

"You have the sickest mind." She shakes her head at me, folds her arms across her chest and kicks her feet up on my dashboard. "Of all things, why is that the first thing your mind goes to? We were clearly talking about my sleeping habits and you just throw that out of nowhere. That wasn't anywhere in the conversation and you just threw it out there." _My fault. I didn't know that's not what she was referring to. Oops. _I just smirk at her as a silent apology and she rolls her eyes with a smile on her face. "Since I have to clarify, I was talking about you holding me while I fell asleep last night."

"Sorry. I just assumed—"

"Yeah, I know what you assumed. Your mind is so dirty."

"Okay Miss Goody-Two Shoes. You say that like you didn't have a little dirty fun last night too. I made a mistake. Don't make me seem like I'm the dirty one here. Your mind is equally as filthy as mine."

"I never said it wasn't. I know my mind is dirty. But I know how to turn my dirty mind off. Your mind is CONSTANTLY dirty." She rolls her eyes and laughs. "Or maybe you're just horny…do you need laid, Alex? Has it been a while? Are there cobwebs growing? Big, white, scary cobwebs?" Her tone is accusatory but playful, like she's trying to find out some big secret I'm hiding.

"I dunno…you tell me." It took me a moment to come up with a rejoinder but I'm pretty satisfied with what I came up with. I'm not real sure how to be as playful as she is but I try to be. I don't always know how to have the same kind of flirtatious humor as she does, but I was going for the fact that if there were "cobwebs" forming, she would've seen them last night. I think she gets what I was going for because she smiles and turns her head away from me. "There definitely aren't cobwebs anywhere near here…"

"…When's the last time you had sex?" She just flat out asks me, no shame in her voice, no letting up. She wants to know. "We're being honest people here aren't we? When's the last time you had sex? …Oral sex counts." For the first time in a long time, I blush. Nothing is every truly awkward for me and I'm never really ashamed of much. But two things here are making me blush. One, I'm never used to hearing Jo even so much as swear, let alone talk about sex. She doesn't have a dirty mouth and to hear words "oral sex" come out of her mouth is just a little bit shocking to me. And second of all, I don't really want to tell her that I just had sex last week. I know she won't have a reason to be mad at me if I tell her that my last sexual encounter was last week in the car with some girl I don't know. But I don't want to tell her about that. I just don't want her to think any less of me. "Oh god…you're totally blushing right now!" She calls out my red cheeks and I roll my eyes to express my discontent. "What are you, scared to admit that you haven't had sex in a while?" _No, it's actually the opposite of that. _"Come on…I'll tell you about me…"

"…Last week." I grip the steering wheel tighter and avoid any kind of eye contact with her by looking directly at the road and only at the road. She dramatically clears her throat in the same way you see on the movies, the real loud "ahem" kind of thing. "What? You want details?" I look at her through my peripheral vision and see the motion of her nodding her head. "…Okay, it was last week. Like last Tuesday or last Monday, I don't know. And I met her at the bar. She had a couple drinks and I had a couple beers and we went out to the parking lot and we had sex in here." I don't want to know what kind of look she has on her face but I can't help but look. Her eyes are wide and she's biting her lip. "I don't…take girls to my house. Nobody's ever that important to me. So we just do it in my car or…in the bathroom of the bar or sometimes in their cars. Sometimes I'll rent a motel…never a hotel because I don't spend money on girls like that, but…yeah. Never at my house." I look at her face again. Her eyes are soft and she's looking straight ahead like she's contemplating something. "How about you?"

"…I was actually kind of hoping you'd tell me that it really has been a while…it'd make me feel better." She sighs softly and crosses her legs. "Seven or eight months ago. Right before I graduated college. That guy that…the one I told you about? The big jerk? Him. He was the last one. And it was horrible. Not because I didn't really want to do it in the first place but because he was boring. He like…he…you know… he got his. He got his and then that was it. It lasted like three minutes and I'm not even joking. Maybe it was like ten. Either way it goes, I laid down and he got on top and…boom, boom, boom…that was it. It sucked. Worst sex of my life."

"That long ago?"

"That long ago."

"Damn… you haven't done anything since then? Not even…you haven't even gotten head? That was the LAST time?"

"It was the last time Alex…seriously. I haven't done anything since then. Except for what we did last night on the couch. That's it."

"…I could change that." _Did you really just say that? _I look over at her and her mouth is gaped open. I really don't know where that came from. That slipped out. I was thinking it but it wasn't supposed to come out. "I…I meant…" She's blushing and looking away from me with a smile on her face. I can't even clean it up. I said it, I meant it, I might as well own it. "Yeah, I meant exactly that."

"So…" Her tone is completely different like she's about to change the subject. Well I completely sank that ship. "Um… what was your last girlfriend like?" That conversation topic came out of the clear blue. I can tell had to scrounge to get that one out. I could hit myself right now. I can't believe I let that slip like that.

"Sorry Jo." I mumble. "You don't have to change the subject…I'm sorry. It slipped out. I was thinking it and it just came out. I'm sorry 'bout that."

"No, it's fine."

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Do you want to take a shower first or should I?" I put my bag down on the floor and sit down on the bed. This hotel is the nicest one we've stayed in so far. The bed is big and bouncy and it's really soft. I think this is a five-star hotel or something because everything is so clean and the room is perfectly color coordinated. I kick off my shoes and cross my legs on the bed as I run my fingers along the fabric that the quilt is made out of. It's silky. Alex puts his bag down as well and shuts the door to our room. He turns on a soft lamp in the corner of the room and looks around. When he checked us in tonight, he paid for a single room. I don't know what's going through his mind but all I know is that he got us a single. I don't know if he's taking into consideration what I said when I woke up earlier or if he's thinking about the fact that I slept incredibly well in his arms last night. I don't know what his reasoning behind getting a single is but I have to be honest when I say that I'm dying inside. He hasn't said anything about what I said earlier. He hasn't said anything about us making this time last, he hasn't even acknowledged it. I'm beginning to think I made a fool of myself when I told him all that. I poured my heart out to him and nothing. "Alex?"

"I heard you…" He takes off his shoes too. "You can get in the shower first. I'm gonna run down and get us something to eat. You can go ahead and shower."

"Alright." I stand up and start rummaging through my bag for pajamas to wear tonight. He's busy looking through a menu that was left on the nightstand. I'm looking for clothes and he's reading the menu so it's quiet between us. So quiet that the only thing we can hear is what sounds like knocking. It's not the kind of knocking that a person does to get in a room or a house. It's hard knocking but it's rhythmic and it's patterned. It's like 1…2….1…2….1…..2. "Do you hear that?" I ask him. He looks up from the menu and shakes his head. "Shh…listen. Do you hear that?" I hold my breath so there's nothing else in the background noise. "What is that?"

"…I don't know." He puts the menu down and looks up at the ceiling. "...Stay right here." He puts his hand out to me to let me know that he's serious. His tone is stern like he's not joking. I think he's being protective. _Protective of me?_ He goes over to the door and touches the door handle. I take a couple steps towards him so I can see what it is when he opens the door. "I said stay there, Jo! Don't you listen?!" He puts his hand up again. "I don't want you getting hurt." I nod my head at him because I got the picture. He means business. He means for me to stay where I am. He turns away from me and slowly opens up the door to our room. Nobody's even there. "…Not the door." He shuts it again and turns back around. But the knocking is still there. I step over towards the nightstand and look around. The knocking gets louder the closer to the wall I get. I motion for him to come over towards me as I put my ear to the wall. He comes over and puts his ear there too. The wall is definitely where the knocking is coming from. Both of us realize exactly what the knocking is at the same exact time and we both bust out in laughter when we do.

"How…" I can't breathe from laughing long enough to get a word out. "Rude…" I hold my stomach muscles and fall back on the bed. He covers his mouth and laughs softer than I'm laughing but I can't control myself. It's just so funny. He thought we were in some kind of danger and he was yelling at me and trying to protect me, and here all the knocking was is a bed banging against the wall in the other room. I roll myself up into a ball and I swear I can't stop laughing. This is actually freaking hilarious. "If…If you…you're quiet enough…" Tears drizzle out of my eyes and run to the back of my neck. "You can…hear….moaning."

"It's not even that funny…you're dying though and it's killing me." He hunches over on his knees and laughs so hard that he starts coughing, which makes me laugh even harder. I'm going to have a six-pack from laughing after this is all done and over. "Jo…what is wrong with you?"

"I don't know…." I manage to shake my head somehow and I can't stop cracking up. I'm literally slobbering all over the place but I can't stop. "It's funny…you…you were so scared for a minute there…and all it is…is somebody having se….sex…" After a while, the both of us are laughing so hard that the sound of our laughter is drowning out the sounds of the couple next door getting it on. "Oh my goodness…I can't stop."

"You're so stupid, Jo." The both of us are both starting to settle down a little. My stomach muscles are so incredibly sore all from laughing. I sit up on the bed and start wiping my eyes. That's the hardest I've laughed in a very long time. And when it's quiet again, the knocking is still there. I put my fingers to my lips to tell him to be quiet and stand up on the bed. I put my ear to the wall. "…You're such a little weirdo." He shakes his head at me calling me weird, all the while he's sticking his ear to the door too. There are so many "ooohs" and "aahhhs" coming from the room next to us.

"They're rude…like….there are ways that they could quietly have sex without disturbing people." I shake my head in disgust and keep my ear to the wall.

"Well if the guy is doing his job right, then no…you can't be quiet during sex." He jokes. I roll my eyes at him and keep listening. It's like listening to a hardcore porno being made. "…He's eating her out."

"How can you tell?!" I take my ear away from the door and look at him.

"Because…she's the only one screaming. There aren't even any grunts from the guy. He's definitely down on her."

"Well aren't you just an expert?" I grab a pillow off the bed and throw it at him. He catches it like it's nothing to him and tosses it back. It hits me right in my head and I hold my ear with my hand. "Ow...woman beater."

"That's not funny." He's very serious about that.

"Sorry." I apologize sincerely. I remember him telling me that he hates women beaters. I didn't mean to make that joke. I was just being a bit facetious. I didn't meant to bring up something sensitive for him. So to lighten the mood, I pick up the pillow again and launch it as his head. It hits him square in the middle of his forehead and he glares at me. Me and Alex have this…connection. It's weird because he doesn't ever have to say anything for me to know what he's saying. He can give me a look and I know what he means. I can give him a look and he knows what I mean. I've never connected with somebody on that kind of level before. I thought he was just bluffing when he said that I'm his best friend but I don't think he was. He's my best friend too. The look he's currently giving me says "don't start with me." I give him back a look that says "I'm starting." And with those two looks, he charges right toward me and jumps on the bed. "I'LL BEAT YOU UP!" He wraps his arms around me and I push his head back. "MOVE!"

"Why you always gotta be tough?" He puts one arm underneath my put and wraps the other one around my waist and slams me on the bed. "You're not tough, Jo…you'll get hurt around here."

"GET OFF!" I push against his chest and start laughing just as hard as I was laughing a second ago. I stick my tongue out and spit at him. "Big bully."

"I'm not a bully…you're the one that tested me." He holds himself up in a push-up position and hovers over my body. I look up at him and he looks down at me. I swear the inside of my body is just…thundering. My heart is beating so fast and my stomach has this tingling feeling in the pit of it. His eyes are so beautiful. HE'S beautiful. I can see my future in this man…is that bad? I've never felt this way about someone before. I never really save myself as the marrying type. I always wanted to get married but I never thought it would happen. I never thought that I'd be able to look at someone the way I'm looking at him and feel the way I'm feeling. My heart is burning, aching…yearning for him. His eyes make me melt. Never leaving my gaze, his hand comes up and moves my hair away from my face. "…Give me a kiss…" He mumbles at me. I lift my head up off the bed as he lowers his and just as our lips lightly graze each other's, I pull away. He opens his eyes up and looks at me like he's confused. "Wh…what the hell?"

I smile so wide at him and put my hand over his mouth. "…If I kiss you, then you won." I push him against his chest and take his moment of weakness to switch our positions and pin him down on the bed. "First person that kisses the other wins." I pin his arms down to the bed and lean my face down to his. He struggles a bit. "Don't let me win, Alex…"

"I'm not." He slips his arms around my waist again and instead of pinning me to the bed, he picks me up and slams me again. "I was going to, but now that you tricked me…"

"Ow!" I giggle and put my arms around his neck. "…Actually…I'm letting you win." I want to kiss him and I don't think I'll be able to wait until we get a winner of this game.

"I'm a gentleman…I'll let you win." He tilts his head to one side and I tilt mine to the other. Our lips meet and I feel like I'm bursting into a pile of happiness. I feel those sparks. You know how you're supposed to feel sparks when you kiss somebody? I feel the sparks when I kiss Alex. And the sparks feel so good. "Take a shower… I'll be back, I'm gonna go get food." He kisses my lips again. "I'll be back."

"Okay." I whisper and stroke my hand across his cheek. I'm never going to forget him. How could he say that we'll forget about each other? Alex is the most incredible person I've ever met. He's…he's strong. He's smart. He's beautiful. He's broken, but not too fragile. He's sweet, but not everybody gets to see that. I was wrong about him. The Alex I used to know was callous, heartless and shallow. But the real Alex is incredible. I'll never forget him. When he gets off of me, I sit up and lick my lips so I can have every ounce of our last kiss in my mouth. I watch him as he leaves the room to get us dinner. My stomach flutters again and I feel the vomit rising up in the back of my throat, hot and ready to spew out. But I swallow it and choke it back.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"You can't just give up on writing though, Alex…you're brilliant at it." She twirls her fork around in her plate of spaghetti and holds it to her mouth. "Maybe…you should take a break from it." I chew my own mouthful of noodles and sauce and listen to her. "But give it up? You definitely shouldn't give it up. You probably won't be able to. Writing is your passion…your dream. Like you told me…where do you think everybody would be if they just gave up on their dreams?" I chew slowly and swallow. I'm listening to her and I hear every word she's saying, I do. But it's a lot more complicated than she realizes it is. I scrape up the last little bit of spaghetti off my plate and shovel it in my mouth. Two hours later and we finally got our food, and it's not even that good. I ordered our food two hours ago and it took room service two hours to bring it. I ordered it at 6:40 and we didn't get it until 8:35. It was free on the hotel to apologize for our wait, but I still wish it tasted better. "I would give anything to chase my dream. Here you have a dream you can chase but you want to give it up. I can't even afford my dream."

I sigh and put my now empty plate down on the nightstand next to me. This whole not telling her thing has been weighting on my conscience quite heavily. I should just make the last days we have with each other precious and let her go when the time comes. I can't just not tell her. It's making me feel guilty. "Jo, I've got something to tell you." I sigh and look down at the bed. I don't want to tell her. If I tell her, she's going to leave me. Just like Lucy…she's going to leave. She puts her fork down and gives me her undivided attention. "I—" I look up at her and notice that she has spaghetti sauce on the tip of her nose. "You have spaghetti sauce on your nose…" I reach out to wipe it and she lets me. "There you go."

"Thanks." I can't believe I just chickened out of telling her. I don't know what came over me. I started thinking about Lucy and I thought about how bad it hurt when she left. Losing Jo would break me. I can't lose her. I can't tell her… no matter how much it kills me, I can't tell her. "…I have an idea." She puts her plate on the nightstand too and licks her lips free of spaghetti sauce and everything else. "You want in?"

"Depends on what it is." I sit up and put my feet down on the floor. She stands up on the bed and starts pulling her hair back. "Jo, what are you doing?" I wrinkle my brow at her. She's smiling and walking on the bed, closer to the wall. "Jo…."

"Just trust me…it's gonna be fun." She motions for me to get up as well. I shake my head at her because I don't even know what she's about to do. "Come on, Alex… come on. We can be rude too…" I squint my eyes and shake my head, trying to figure out what the hell is going through her mind. "Come on… it's gonna be fun. Just follow my lead, okay?" She puts her hands against the wall. "They were rude to us…let's be rude back." I just stare at her. I think something's wrong with her. She's crazy or something. And to further my thoughts that she's crazy, she starts jumping up and down on the bed and making the headboard bang against the wall. She slaps her hands against the wall while she jumps on the bed and starts laughing. "OH! OH! OHHH! BABY! YEAHHH!" My jaw drops when she starts making obnoxious sex noises. She starts giggling real hard but she conceals it. "OHHH! HARDER! HARDER!" She jumps on the bed harder. "Come on Alex…" She whispers to me.

"…You're frickin' nuts. You are crazy….you're nuts. Who the hell…Jo, you're crazy. I'm not…" I shake my head. "There is something seriously wrong with your mind. Laughing so hysterically that she can't breathe, she grabs me by the collar of my shirt and pulls me up. Her laugh is the best sound in the world. She has the cutest, most BEAUTIFUL laugh. "Jo, I'm not…"

"Yes you are. Come on, it's fun. I'll show you." She resumes smacking on the wall and jumping on the bed. "OHHH! MMMM! OH YEAH! YEAH! OH BABY!" I just stare at her. This girl…she's…she's amazing. She's funny, she's playful, she's crazy… she's beautiful. Jo's amazing. "OOOOHHHHH! BABY!" She stops and looks at me. I'll play along with her, fine…but I can't stop staring at her long enough. She's so beautiful. I think I might…I think I might be falling in love with this woman. "Please, Alex? Please?"

I keep shaking my head at her and reluctantly start jumping up and down on the bed with her. The smile on her face is something I live for. I like the way her nose wrinkles when she smiles. I've never been this joking and playful until I met Jo. "…What kind of noises do I make?" I smack on the wall while I jump, following her lead.

"…Sex noises? I dunno...what do you usually sound like while you're having sex?" She stops jumping for a second to catch her breath.

"…Alright." I smack on the wall and make the same grunt I usually make while I'm having sex, but I amplify it and make it playful. "UGH!"

"…You sound like an alligator." She shakes her head at me and starts jumping again. "OH ALEX! FASTER!"

She literally has no shame. She's so carefree. I want to be as carefree as she is. "YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?!"

She falls down on the bed and holds her stomach while she laughs at me. "That was good! That was really good….you tried. I appreciate the effort…"

"…Well you said…"

"Is that really what you sound like while you're having sex, Alex? Really?"

"Not exactly…"

"…Okay, come on…." She stands back up. "It's time for you to make me cum." I feel my eyes get pretty wide. "…Fake cum, fake cum!" She clarifies with the biggest smile on her face. I still can't believe these words are coming out of her mouth. It doesn't seem right to hear Jo have such a foul mouth. "Okay, you ready?" She's nodding her head. "Okay." She grabs my hand. "Slap me…not hard, but hard enough to make me scream. Don't warn me when it's coming, just do it… it has to be natural."

"…You've done this before…"

"Faked an orgasm? Plenty of times before." I don't feel right hitting her. I really don't feel right even touching her. _She didn't say where to hit her though… _"You have to really do it though, don't hold back…you have to—" I draw my hand back pretty far and slap her hard on her ass. "AHHHHHH! You would…" She starts talking to me through clenched teeth but I grip my hand around her ass and squeeze it. "OH BABY, I'M…I'M….I'M CU….MMING…" She throws her elbow back at me. "Get off my ass."

"You said make you scream…"

"You ready for your big finish?" She raises her eyebrow at me.

"My big—" Out of nowhere, she punches me in my chest and I can't help but let out a grunt because I wasn't expecting it. "UGHH…." I grit my teeth at her. "Why would you do that?"

"I told you…I know how to fake orgasms and I know how to make guys fake 'em too." She reaches back and puts her hand on mine. "Can you get off my butt now?" I shake my head at her. "Okay then fine." She puts her hands on my butt too.

"How many times did you have to fake an orgasm?" I pull her closer to me and keep my hands on her ass. I squeeze her ass but stop and start massaging it. She has the best ass.

"…About…three or four times." She stands on her tiptoes and kisses my jawline. "Why?"

"….You want one that you don't have to fake?"

"…Hmm." She moves from my jawline to my lips. "I think I'd like that." As soon as she says that, I grab the backs of her legs and make her wrap her legs around my waist. She's kissing me hungrily on my lips and rubbing her hands through my hair.

"How will I know if you fake it though?" I keep my hands around her waist and move down to kiss her neck.

"Oh…you'll know if I'm _not _faking it."

* * *

**A/N:** Anybody else DIE at how Alex said he wants to marry Jo on last night's episode of Grey's?!


	23. Unlike

**A/N:** Heavy **M **rated content in this chapter. Reader discretion advised.

* * *

"_Come on, Jo…I'm gonna die if we don't…" He squeezes his hands around my waist and holds me still so I can't move. I don't get boys sometimes. I don't get why they don't understand that no means no. Why can't they just take no for an answer and just accept it for what it is? Why send e on a guilt trip for saying no? Why do you have to buck my decision? "You're so…" He smashes his lips against mine and shoves his tongue down my throat. "Come on…you can't tease __me." I didn't know that saying no could be considered as teasing. I thought telling someone yes then saying no and throwing it at the guy was teasing. Since when was flat out saying "no" teasing? His lips move from my mouth and immediately go down to my chest and he starts pulling the straps of my tank top down._

"_I really don't think we should…" I easily just push his hands away from my body. "I don't want to…not right now. I…" I'm looking down at the ground and not at his face so needless to say I'm…shocked when I feel the red hot burning sting of his hand colliding with my face. The force of the slap sends my head barreling to the side and I hear the bones in my neck crack. I inherently taste blood on the inside of my cheek and my bottom lip stings. I don't think I've ever been hit that hard in my life. I bring my hand up to my face and feel that my cheek is temperately hot to the touch. I feel something inside my body just…snap. It's like everything that was holding me together is unhinged and in a particularly disturbing, slightly animalistic fashion, my fist clenches up and tightens and before I know it, the brim of my knuckles connects with his face. _

_He falls to the floor with that one punch and curls up like a baby in the fetal position. He's groaning in pain and holding his face while he's wailing. I look down at him and for a brief moment, the thought of kicking him in his back crosses my mind. But I really don't trust myself when I get angry, and I'm five steps past angry. He hit me. My own parents never put their hands on me the way he just put his hands on me. Who does he think he is? He doesn't reserve the right to put his hands on me. Has he lost his mind? All because I said no, he hit me. I said no to SEX and he hit me? My dad would ask me to take out the trash and I'd get smart and tell him "do it yourself" and he never even laid a finger on me. Who in the hell does this guy think he is? I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to not want to have sex. And he's NOT going to slap me for saying no. _

_I look down at still bawled up on the floor, writhing in pain from my punch. I can't even explain the disgust I have while I'm looking down at him. I'm absolutely and utterly disgusted with the fact that he had the audacity to lay his hands on me. But along with that disgust, I'm kind of feeling guilty. I was taught to keep my hands to myself, I was. I shouldn't have hit him. I stooped down to his level by hitting him. I shouldn't have hit him back, I know better than that._

His lips glide softly and naturally across mine. It's like our lips were made for one another; they fit against each other perfectly and it feels like every moment in this universe just froze for a moment in time. Like every event in my life, every kiss I've ever had, ever crush I've ever had was leading up to this moment. I've never felt more secure in my life. I've never felt surer about something before. It's like this was meant to happen. His hands steady themselves under the backs of my legs, where my knees fold in at, as he carefully lowers both of our bodies down from the standing position we are on, atop of the bed. He guides me to lie on my back flat against the bed and he lies down flat on top of me. I don't know how he feels so light against my body when he's not propping himself up, but I can clearly tell that he's not putting his weight on me. He tilts his head to one side so our noses don't bump while we're kissing and never letting my lips leave his mouth, I turn my head too. His tongue pushes against mine and his hands graze my hips and his fingers hook underneath the fabric of my pajama pants.

He starts to pull away from my mouth but as he's pulling his lips away, I lift my head up and keep our lips together. I don't want him to stop kissing me. He's still pulling away and I keep lifting my head to follow his lips until eventually, I'm sitting up on the bed and he's standing on his knees in front of me. He swiftly takes my bottom lip between his two lips and sucks on it. The sensation brewing in the pit of my stomach spirals down to my vagina and between my legs, I feel myself get a little bit sticky. I want him so badly. I want all of him. I want his lips, his tongue, his body…I want him. I wrap my arms around his neck as he's sucking my lip and pull him back down on top of me. My back crashes back down on the bed and I pull him down along with me. I roughly scrape my hands through his soft, sandy brown hair and elevate my legs so I can wrap them around his waist. When I lock my legs around his waist, he aggressively pushes my legs off him and pins them down flat against the bed. He tears his lips away from me and looks down at me with lustful but hesitant eyes. His hands are firmly on my knees to keep my legs open and pinned down to the bed, his pelvis is just inches away from touching between my legs and his forehead is against my forehead. I bite my bottom lip because I can't resist him anymore and dart my head up to go right back to kissing him. He takes his hands away from my knees and his pelvis crashes into mine. His hands come up and tangle themselves in my ponytail as he begins to rock himself in an upward motion, grinding against me. I'm already wet but I'm getting so much wetter as he's doing this.

His hands curl underneath the back of my head and his palms push against the back of my neck. Like he's asking me to, I throw my head back so my chin is facing up at the ceiling. He takes his lips away from my mouth and unlike the last time I had a sexual encounter with a man, he doesn't _immediately _put his lips to my neck. Instead, he kisses the corner of my mouth, the underside of my chin, my jawline and he eventually makes his way down to my collarbone. His hands are still stroking the back of my head as his lips are sucking with gentle force on the skin of my neck. His hands untwine themselves from my messy ponytail and drag down past my boobs and rest back on my hips. I place my hand on the back of his head firmly to hold it still and reach back with my other hand to take out my ponytail. I shake my hair out with my hand and when I'm done, I join it right along with my other hand in holding his head still. His tongue strokes up and down against my neck and my jaw starts to tremble. I need him. I curl my fingers through his hair and tilt my head downwards. I kiss the top of his head and rub the back of his neck.

His fingers curl under the waistband of my pajama pants and his hands feel soft and cool against the skin on my hips. He starts pulling on the rim of my pants but they won't come down. So I lift my hips up to help him. As soon as I lift my hips, the force of his pulling brings my pajama pants straight down. I bend my knees and he takes my pants completely off. He throws them on the floor like they're some big inconvenience to him and his lips return back to mine. I dig my tongue into his mouth and kiss him deeply. I want him to know how much I want him, how much I need him. I move my hands from my sides and wander them around until I find his hands. He locks our fingers together and forcibly shoves my arms over my head. I suck his tongue further into my mouth and he starts to take control of the kiss by pushing his face into mine so hard that my head sinks into the pillow I'm lying on. As we're kissing, he takes one of his hands out of my hand and lifts his body up just slightly, enough to put his hand on my stomach. With one quick movement, he slips his hand down into my panties. He moves his hand so far between my legs that he palm of his hand brushes against my clit and his fingers line up with my hole.

Before he puts his fingers in, he moves his hand up and down so his palm gently glides back and forth very softly against my clit. My breath catches in my throat and a hard gasp escapes my lips. His face is nestled in the crook of my neck and he's lightly kissing me while he's moving his hand. I take my other hand out of his and put it against his back. Down below, I feel him put his two fingers together and he puts the tips of his fingers at my entrance, but he doesn't shove them in. I absentmindedly thrust my hips upwards, which propels the tips of his fingers all the way inside. He moves his face from my neck over towards my cheek. He kisses my cheek for a brief moment before he starts drawing his hand back and pushing his fingers inside. He's slow about it, gentle almost. While his fingers are inside of me, I feel them turn as he shifts his hand so the palm of his hand is upward. He rests his thumb against my clit and rubs it in gentle circles while his fingers move in and out. He doesn't strike me as the gentle, loving, caressing type. So I wonder why he's being so easy with me. Instead of keeping his fingers straight and flat, he curls them upwards and stops moving them in and out. With them curled upwards, he moves them back and forth like he's motioning for someone to "come here."

My jaw unhinges and drops as gaunt breaths escape my throat. My chest stutters up and down and I feel like I'm going to moan. He props himself up on his unoccupied elbow and kisses my temple as he begins to tease my clit up and down, which draws a moan out of me. "Mmmm…" He kisses my cheek once more, then my temple again before he finishes off by kissing my lips. When he pulls his lips away from mine, I finally open my eyes. The soft lamp in the corner next to the television is still on. Every time I've had sex in the past, I shut the lights off. I'm not sexy and I don't have a supermodel body. I don't like for the guys I have sex with to see my body because what if they're disappointed in it? What if they think I'm unattractive? I have these brown freckles all over my body and they're kind of gross looking. What if he finds those to be ugly? I usually don't like for guys to see my body. But for some reason, I don't care with Alex. He can keep the lights on. I don't think he'd judge me…or at least, I hope he wouldn't.

He takes his fingers out of me and slips his fingers under the rim of my panties. Again, I lift my hips up so he can take them off. He slides them down past my knees and I slide my feel out of them. He tosses them to the ground along with my pants. He takes a moment to look at my naked bottom half, which makes me nervous. I haven't shaved in a couple days but I shouldn't be too hairy. I swallow a nervous lump in my throat and take a deep breath to calm myself down. If I knew this was going to happen tonight, I would've shaved when I got in the shower a little while ago. I would've shaved everything. I just want to be perfect for him. I don't want him to look at me like I'm gross and unladylike for being a little fuzzy down where it counts. He's still staring at me and it's clear to me that he's not satisfied with what I look like down there, so I close my legs and sit up so it's covered. He puts his hands on the rim of his shirt and pulls it over his head. He throws his shirt on the floor with my clothes. I have half a mind to get up and turn off the light. I scoot towards the edge of the bed so I can go turn off the light but as my feet touch the ground, he surprises me with a rough kiss on my lips.

I turn my body and accept his kiss by putting my arms around his neck. He puts his hands on my hips and forces me to lie back down on the bed. _So maybe he doesn't care what I look like. Maybe I don't have to be absolutely perfect for him. I'd like to be…but maybe I don't have to be. _He hooks his arms around my legs and parts them. Once more, he kisses me on my lips but he kisses the corner of my mouth. As he forces my legs open wider, he slides his body down so his forehead is level with my lower stomach. _He's not gonna… _I prop myself up on my elbows and lift my shirt up so I can see. When I look down, all I can see is the top of his head and his fluffy brown hair. Like he was kissing me on my lips, he kisses the outside of me with unwavering passion. _I guess he's going to… but why? Boys don't do this to me. This isn't something that guys do to me. They never do this. _He moves his head down further and places a tender kiss on my sex. _He's really going to do this to me. _With his tongue, he spreads my folds open and cups his lips in an "O" shape around my clit. My elbows go weak when he does that and I fall down flat against the bed. He turns his head to the side and runs his tongue up and down until he gets to my clit, which he licks from side to side. My eyelids flutter shut as my eyes roll to the back of my head and I bite down hard on my lip. "Oh god…" I whisper to myself.

I feel like I'm in a totally different universe. I feel like I'm floating on a cloud, or maybe I died. Maybe I died and he's my heaven. My tingling sensation I have in the pit of my stomach is getting stronger and stronger, bubbling up inside of me. It's like a pot of water, heating up and waiting to get hot enough until it eventually boils over and spills out. He flattens the head of his tongue and pushes it inside of me. Instinctively, my hands go down to his head and grab onto his hair. He pulls his head away from my sex for a moment, licks his thumb with his tongue and goes right back to penetrating me with his tongue. With his wet thumb, he rubs my clit in circles. I honestly expected that he was only doing this to make me feel good but he genuinely seems like he's enjoying this as well. He curls his tongue up while it's inside of me and starts moving his head quickly in an in-and-out motion. I'm losing complete and total control of my body. I buck my chest upward and arch my back as I grip his hair tighter. "Oooohh…" I hold his head still so he'll stop doing what he's doing but he's too strong for me to stop him. I can't take it anymore. It feels way, way, way, WAY too good. I can't take this anymore. I try to push his head away but again, he won't let me. He does stop darting his head in and out and he does pull his tongue out of me, but he circles it around my clit again and sucks on it. "Ohhh my god…Oh my god, oh my g…od…"

Suddenly, my entire body gets hot. I know what he just made me do and he knows exactly what he just made me do as well. My body is burning hot and I'm sweating, out of breath and so relieved. I lie flat against the bed and bring my hands up to wipe the sweat off my forehead. I keep my hands over my face while I recover from my orgasm and I can't stop breathing hard. He's still giving me soft, easy kisses all over my sex and on the inner parts of my thigh. He's kissing me down there like he'd be kissing me on my lips. He's being so gentle and so passionate. As soon as I start climbing back down from the incredible high of the climax, he grabs onto my shirt and starts taking it off of me. With my shaky hands, I help him take it off. He throws it on the floor and puts his lips to my forehead. My hands are still shaking but I manage to untie the strings on his sweatpants. I start pulling his pants down but he backs away and helps me out. It's like he doesn't want me to do any of the work, which is a big difference. I used to have to do a lot of the work with the other guys I've been with. When he takes his pants off, I grab onto his boxers too. He lets me take his boxers off though.

I pull them down and have to tug a little harder to get them down over his erection. When I get his boxers down past it, I'm surprised—pleasantly surprised—to find that it's stiff as a board and standing straight up. I stand up on my knees so we're eye-to-eye with one another. I put one of my arms around his neck and slide the other one down so I can wrap my hand around him. As I start kissing him, I start sliding my hand all along his member from the base to the tip. He kisses me deeply and his hands squeeze my butt and pull me closer towards his body. I'm not nearly as talented with my mouth as he is, but I want to return the favor nonetheless. I pull out of our kiss with no warning and rest my body on the backs of my legs. He's standing on his knees in front of me. I hold it with one of my hands while my other hand roams all over his muscular chest. He's so sexy. He's muscular, buff and so strong. His manhood completely matches his body, too. It's long and thick and just like I was when we messed around on the couch, I'm just a little bit nervous to take this thing when we start actually having sex. _Don't choke. He's huge, so if you start gagging just stop. Don't choke. That'll be so embarrassing. _I hold it firmly at the base with my hand and put my lips to the tip.

It's not the first time I've ever given a boy head before, obviously. I've done this three times before to the guy I lost my virginity to. I part my lips and put it as far in my mouth as it'll go. While I start sucking on it, I slip it back out of my mouth and keep my lips on the tip. I stick my tongue out and lick the parts of it that I couldn't get in my mouth. I gather some saliva up in my mouth and spit on it so once I start stroking it up and down, it won't be dry. I suck on the tip of it some more as I move my hand up and down on the parts that aren't in my mouth. When I do that, his hands tangle themselves in my hair and he strokes my head which lets me know that I'm doing well. I've never done this next part to any guy before, but I trust Alex enough to do it, I really do. So I hold his member up with my hand and plant a soft, uneasy kiss on his balls. When I do that, he pulls my hair hard but not hard enough to actually hurt me. I stick my tongue out and lick from them, all the way back to the tip of him. I cup my lips around the tip and suck on it some more. He puts his hands on my arms and pulls me up so I'll stop. He kisses my lips hungrily and moves back down to my neck.

He forces me to lie down on the bed again and he starts pulling the blankets back. I help him out and pull them back far enough for the both of us to get between the sheets. In a less sexual but more loving kind of way, he kisses me on my lips again. He guides my head on the pillow as he lies on top of me. I put my hands on his waist and kiss him back with the same loving emotion. I could cry at how gentle and emotional this is, but it's still so satisfying. I've never felt this way before. The last couple times I had sex, I felt like it was just temporary. I knew that it was just sex and it was for the moment. I knew that if I didn't have sex with those guys, they would just go and find somebody else that would. There weren't kisses and gentleness. It was strictly lie on your back, take it. With Alex, I swear I'm the only girl in this world right now. He's careful with me like he doesn't want me to break. He's gentle with me with too fast would hurt. He won't find somebody else to do it if I won't because he just wants me. This feels better than any other sex I've had and we haven't even started yet. He puts his lips to my cheek while he pulls the blankets over us and hovers over my body. He looks down at me and I look up at him. When our eyes meet, I feel like I'm exploding. He's my world…nothing else matters. I'm lying underneath of him and I feel like there's no safer place in this world for me to be right now.

He reaches his hand down and holds himself. I feel the tip of his erection at the opening of my sex, but I stop him before he can put it in. "Wait…" I whisper. We haven't talked to each other since we started on our sexual escapade, so it feels kind of weird to address him. And I'm scared that maybe he'll be mad at me for ruining this moment. He stops all movement and looks at me with wide, honest, understanding eyes. "…Do you have a condom?" I ask him. His face goes flat and it looks like all the emotion has just been wiped clean. He looks blank…sorry, almost. I don't think he has one.

"…Out in my car." He puts his hand on my hip to hold himself up over me. With his other hand, he moves my hair out of my face and keeps looking down at me like I really am the only girl in his world. Nobody has EVER looked at me like this. But he doesn't have a condom.

I look away from his eyes and purse my lips. "I'm not on birth control." I admit.

"…I'll pull out." He moves my hair again. "Look at me, Jo…" His voice is gravelly. I make our eyes meet again. "I will pull out. I won't bust inside… I promise. I…I wouldn't do that to you." He shakes his head to let me know he's serious. "I wouldn't do that to you, hear me? I wouldn't." He kisses my lips. "If you don't trust me, that's fine…but you should. I wouldn't do that to you right now…I swear I wouldn't. I wouldn't do this unprotected if I wasn't 110% sure that I could pull out without getting you in trouble. I wouldn't do that to you right now…you trust me?" _Right now? Does that mean you'd do it to me eventually? What's so significant about right now? _"Trust me?" I nod my head and kiss him. I trust Alex with my life. I trust him. I really, really do trust him. "Alright." He kisses my cheek and resumes with holding himself. Again, the tip is at my entrance and I can already tell that he's going to be entirely too big for me.

I relax and close my eyes. He keeps guiding the head of himself inside of me and even though he just barely has the tip in, I can already feel myself stretching. He's easing himself inside little by little, inch by inch. I furrow my eyebrows and wrinkle my nose. _Ouch….Oww…. _I bite my bottom lip to deal with it but he slides more inside and it's hurting kind of bad. "Ah…" I shy away from him just a little bit but knuckle down and deal with it.

"…That hurt?" He stops moving. I nod my head slightly. "Are you okay?" I nod my head again. I'm fine. I really am okay. I've just never taken something this big inside of me before. The other guys were smaller than this. They weren't nearly this thick. I'll get used to it, I know I will. "You want me to stop?" I shake my head. _No, please don't stop… I need this. I need you…don't stop. _"You want me to take it out?" I shake my head again. "…Mmkay." It really doesn't hurt as much as it's uncomfortable. It's not painful it's just uncomfortable for me. He puts his face in my neck and gently pushes the rest in, as far as it'll go. I rub my hands along his back to signal to him that I'm alright. He kisses my neck gently and firmly thrusts his hip bones deeply into mine. I let out a low, satisfied moan to let him know that I'm really okay. He rests his hands beside my arms and starts moving in and out. The soreness in my core is subsiding and turning into what feels really, really good. I need him so badly.

I need him.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

Her nails dig into my back from the pleasure which honestly only makes me yearn for more. She's everything I pictured her to be and way more. She's absolutely perfect. Her body, her mannerisms in the bed, everything is perfect. I place soft, appreciation kisses on her collarbone as I dig into her at a faster pace, but still relatively slow for the sake of not hurting her. I'm not surprised that I hurt her when I went in; not because I'm enormous or anything, but because she's little. She's impossibly tight. I knew when I could barely fit two fingers in, when my tongue struggled to fit, that I was going to hurt her just a little. She's just little. She drags her nails across my back and I move my hips from side to side so she'll open her legs wider. She widens her legs for me and allows me to go deeper. She fits me like a glove. Tight, snug and perfectly. I push inside her until our stomachs touch each other and I'm all the way inside. I draw my pelvis back and slam it back into her and she accepts me by pushing her hips upwards while I smash downwards. "Uh…" Her lips are directly by my ear. Her moan doesn't bother me in the least. I find her moan to be quite sexy. "…h….ha…rder…" She mumbles in my ear to let me know that she's doing okay enough for me to really go to town on her.

I want to go harder. Lord knows I want to do her so dirty and so rough and so fast. But I won't. In fact, I do the exact opposite. I go slower and keep it at a nice, steady pace. I push it all the way in so deep that our stomachs touch and when I draw back, I slide it out so far that only the tip is still in. Then I go so deep that our stomachs touch again, and I slide it out so the tip is only in. I keep it like that, at a slower pace. "Oh my god, Alex…" Her nails dig into my back and I smirk at the fact that she moaned my name. She's getting wetter every time I go in which really makes me want to go harder but I keep it level. I want to do something she's never had before. I have a feeling that she's been…for lack of a better word, I know she's been _fucked _before. I know she's been pounded and I know she's had it rough before. But I don't think she's ever been cherished before. I don't think she knows how special she is, how beautiful sex can actually be. It doesn't have to be the rough stuff to be satisfying and I don't think she knows that. Sure, the rough stuff is a hell of a lot of fun. But the rough stuff isn't always the best. Her hands go down to my waist and she starts moving me. I'd like to keep it slow and stuff, but I'll be damned if I let her do my job for me.

So I do turn up the pace just a little. I don't go too hard or too fast, just fast enough for her to know who's in control here. I want to pound her so bad. God, I want to put her legs over her shoulders and do it so fast that she screams loud enough for the whole hotel to know what we're in here doing. But the thing is…we'll only have one first time. If I have it my way, me and Jo will have plenty more times to have real fun and do it in all kinds of crazy positions. But we'll only ever get one first time together. I lie flat against her so it's all the way inside and start rocking up and down in a hump that'll satisfy her from the inside, but will also stimulate her clit. "Ahh! Ahh! Ohhh my g…god, Alex… oh my god!" She digs her nails in my back again and I speed the hump up just a little more. "Ooooh…shit…" She gasps in my ear and whimpers in pleasure. "Alex….Alex…ALEX!"

Her walls constrict around me as I feel her body buck against mine. She sounds so beautiful, even when she's climaxing. The inside of her gets hot and runny and that's how I know that I just did my job right. I give her a simple, yet meaningful, chaste little kiss on her lips. Her body is limp underneath of mine and her leg is shaking uncontrollably. With her walls tightening around me, I have to pull out before I bust. I promised her that I would and so I will. I promised her I would. I hold myself at the base and take it out. To finish myself off, all I have to do is stroke it for like two seconds and I end up busting right on her lower stomach. She doesn't seem to mind though. I'd rather bust on her than in her because I made a promise and I will keep my promise to her. When I told her that I wouldn't do it to her, I meant it. I would NEVER do that to Jo. I would never even chance getting her pregnant. She's so smart and she's beautiful and she's young and she has the world in front of her. I wouldn't be the asshole to hinder her dreams by knocking her up. I swear to god, I would never do that to Jo. Not right now, at least.

She puts her arms around me and pulls me down on top of her body. She's breathing heavy and I am as well. I could've lasted so much longer than that but I didn't want to. I wanted to end our first encounter before it lost any meaning and became any less special. If I had kept going for as long as I could've, it wouldn't have been as meaningful anymore. It would've began to lose its intimacy and that's not how I wanted it to go. As I'm lying on her chest, I stroke my hand through her hair just to let her know how special to me she is. I haven't been that easy on a girl since…since…since the first time I had sex with Lucy, I think. It's been a really long time, needless to say. I haven't cared about how a girl felt during sex since Lucy either. All I cared about was whether or not I busted. I actually cared about making Jo feel good. I care about her so much. "…You okay?" I ask her. She nods her head and scratches her nails softly across my back. "…You didn't fake that, did you?" I ask her with a smirk.

I feel her chin move against my head as she smiles too. "I definitely didn't fake that."


	24. Good Enough

It's been quiet in here for the last half hour. It's not that either one of us are sleeping, it's just that we don't have anything to say. There's nothing to say right now, honestly. I'm lying on her bare chest, her arms are around me, she's scratching my back and nothing in this world could persuade me to get up. I know she's not asleep because her nails are stroking against my back and she knows that I'm not asleep because every so often, I'll plant a kiss on her chest. I wish I had something to say to her but I don't. What is there to say? We could talk about the fact that we just had sex. We could discuss the fact that we just enjoyed the hell out of each other. But why? Why would we talk about that? I'm thinking about it already so I really don't need to talk about it. If we talk about it too much, what we just did it'll lose it's importance. I want to keep it as meaningful as possible, for Jo's sake, not mine.

I haven't had sex like that in a very, very long time. I haven't had sex in a bed in a long time. The last time I had sex in a bed was with my first "serious" girlfriend after Lucy. Her name was Dana and I cheated on her with this one girl I met at the grocery store. Still and yet, the last time I had sex in a bed was still years ago. I'll admit that the sex I just had with Jo wasn't nearly as gratifying as I could've made it for myself, but I promise that I don't mind. The thing is, the whole time I was on top of her, I wasn't thinking about what was going to get me off. I was thinking about how to show her that the sex was definitely something that I wanted, but it wasn't something I needed as much as I thought I did. I just didn't want her thinking that sex is all I want from her. I want more than sex from Jo. I want somewhat of a relationship with her, I want us to try and make this whole thing work. I like Jo for who she is, not for the fact that she'll have sex with me. What I find even weirder is the fact that even though it wasn't as fun and fast-paced as I'm used to having sex, it still felt frigging amazing for me as well.

Too much time has passed since the last time I kissed her, so I turn my head to the side just a bit and put my lips on her skin, in the space between her boobs. I give her an uncorrupted kiss and put my head back down. After I kiss her, she resumes to lightly drag her fingernails across my back. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as my thoughts go back to what we started doing an hour and a half ago. When we first started kissing after we were jumping on the bed, I had every intention of getting what I wanted. It was my initial plan to turn her over and do it doggystyle at first. But I laid on top of her and I started to pull out of the kiss so I could turn her over. But she wouldn't let me pull away and that's when I started feeling like maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. That's when I started realizing that she's probably had it rough before. And somewhere within my conscience, I realized that I didn't want to be what every other man was to her. I wanted to be different. I had told myself not to let my feelings for this girl get in the way of the fact that I was going to have the opportunity to screw her. I started touching her and I started kissing her and I just wanted her to feel good. I wanted her to know that this was every bit as important to me as it was to her. And dammit, I let my feelings get in the way.

I didn't have any intentions of going down on her, either. The only girl I've ever gone down on was Lucy. Now it's Lucy and Jo and I'm still not sure how I came to that decision. That's not usually something I just casually do to women. I have to trust you a whole lot, you have to mean something to me and I think…I might have to love you a little bit to do that. I didn't even realize Jo was somebody that I'd do it to. I was just…I was fingering her and she was moaning. I kissed her temple and took her underwear off and the urge just came over me. I don't regret going down on her, but I do hope that she doesn't think that going down is something I just do…because it's not. She's only the second girl. At this point, I don't think I can deny it anymore. I have feelings for Jo. I wouldn't say I love her or anything that extreme, but I definitely feel something for this girl. She's making me fall harder and harder, the more time I spend with her.

I don't really believe in love at first sight and I don't believe that you can be in love with somebody after only spending a few days with someone. But as a romance writer, I do believe that everyone in this world is meant for somebody. I do think that when you find the person you're meant for, you immediately know it. Even if you were perfect strangers before you met, I think that when god or fate or whatever puts you with the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, it's an immediate connection. You might not know it at the time but your body does. Your mind knows it, your heart knows it, fate knows it. But you don't know it yet. Being a firm believer in fate, I can't help but wonder if maybe…just maybe…Lucy ended up cheating on me so I wouldn't have made the mistake and married the wrong girl. Maybe all my failures with girls in the last were just trying to set me up for this. Maybe everything in my life fell apart because the whole time, the thing that was supposed to come together was in freaking New Jersey and not standing right in front of me. Maybe the thing that's meant to be is lying underneath of me, scratching my back.

"…Alex?" Her soft scratches on my back slow to a stop when she calls my name. Her voice is soft and raspy. She doesn't sound like Jo anymore. I don't know who she sounds like, but it's not like Jo's normal voice. I chalk the change in her voice up to the fact that she's probably tired. It's no later than ten o'clock at night but after what we just got done doing, I wouldn't be surprised if she's tired. Just so she knows I'm still here and not going anywhere, I tighten my arms around her waist and tilt my head up against her chest a little. Her hair is all clustered to her left side and it's so long that it comes down and completely covers her left boob. She has the most beautiful brown eyes. She's so beautiful. She doesn't sound like my beautiful Jo, but she still is. "Just making sure you're not sleeping." She whispers.

"I'm not sleeping." I keep my tight grip around her waist and kiss between her boobs again. "Why? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…why do you keep asking me that?" She sounds slightly offended.

"I just want to make sure." I take my arms from around her waist and prop myself up so I'm hovering over her body. "I just don't want you to get hurt, Jo…that's all. If you're hurt, you can tell me." Her hair is blocking my view to her pretty eyes so I move it out of my way. "If I hurt you, that's my fault…not yours. I knew I was gonna hurt you. I don't even know why I kept going. I knew I was going to hurt you. I knew it."

She wrinkles her brow at me and shakes her head. "…Shut up." Her face is bright red and since I've seen Jo angry before, I know that she's pissy. For what reason, I don't know. But she's mad. "You're trying to ruin this for me, Alex. You're trying to ruin this for me and I'm not letting you. How dare you…" Her beautiful brown eyes start sparkling more than usual but only because they're welling up with tears. "Don't ruin this. I…I liked it, Alex. I loved it… please don't ruin this. You didn't hurt me. It was amazing. It was…it was beautiful. I loved it. You didn't hurt me. Don't ruin this."

"I'm not trying to ruin anything Jo, I'm just saying—"

"I'M JUST SAYING TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT." She yells at me but honestly, I think she's just trying to get her point across. I don't think she's yelling to be rude or yelling to be a bitch or whatever. She's just yelling so I get her point. "I'm not letting you spoil this for me…so just…for the love of GOD, shut your mouth." I do as she says. I close my mouth, I get off of her and I lie down on the pillow next to hers. I stare up at the ceiling and just keep my mouth shut. I can't help myself. I get so worried about her not being okay. She's making it seem like I'm being overbearing but she didn't see her face when I tried to put it in. I could see the discomfort written all over her face and she whimpered in pain. After I got it all the way in, it stopped hurting her because she got used to it. But I'm guessing that she's still sore or something. My bad for being overprotective or overbearing or whatever, but I don't want her to be in any pain knowing that I caused it. She clutches the sheets to her bare chest and sits up. "...Tonight was the first time I've had sex in eight months." Her voice is back to normal tone. She's looking straight ahead at the wall in front of the bed but she's talking to me. "And the first time I ever…felt like…like I mattered, Alex. I felt like I actually mattered to you. I felt like the most important person in this world and I felt…I felt loved. For once in my life, I felt loved by a man. And for you to ruin this for me by making some…ignorant, asinine, distasteful, idiotic statement…" She shakes her head. "So shut up Alex…okay? Shut up about hurting me, shut up about everything. Just shut up."

"…Boy that Ivy League education sure just came out." I mumble as I start running my hands through my hair. "What was that second word you used there? Asinine? Can you give me a definition? Or better yet, language of origin?" I turn my head to look at her and I'm happy to see her smiling. Her smile is just gorgeous. "Come here…" I lean up and grab ahold of her arm and start pulling her towards me. "I'm sorry, alright?" I pull her harder and she eventually collapses on my chest. I put my hands against her back and hold her against me. "I'm sorry. I just don't wanna hurt you. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, that's all. I'm sorry." I put my lips to the top of her head again. "You can put your claws away now, killer."

"I just don't want you to take away from this. There's nothing you can say that'll ruin this for me. Nothing you say to me will take away the feeling I have right now. I don't want you to try and spoil this." She puts her hands against my chest and lifts herself up. Her hair falls from behind her shoulder and rests in a clump against my chest. "If you hurt me that bad, don't you think I would've stopped you? If I was in severe pain, why the hell would I let you continue?" She leans her head down and pokes her lips against mine and she puts her hand against my forehead. "Oh, and…." She strokes her hand through my hair and keeps looking down at me. "…When we were talking earlier…before you…" She sighs. "What did you mean when you said…you wouldn't do that to me? Right now? Do what?"

"….I wouldn't chance getting you into trouble." I move my hands down to her lower back. "If we ever have sex again, I'll make sure I have a condom on me. I promise I'll have protection. But what I meant was that I wouldn't even try to do it raw if I didn't know I could prevent any accidents. If I wasn't absolutely sure that I was going to be able to pull out, I wouldn't have even chanced it. I know what I'm capable of Jo. That's what I meant. I'm not gonna be the one to wipe out your potential by getting you in trouble this young."

"And by trouble, you mean getting me pregnant." She flips her hair and tucks it behind her ear. "But what did you mean by 'right now'?"

"The same. I mean…" I sigh. I don't know how to explain to her what I meant without looking like an idiot. By now, I think she might think that I meant that I would eventually get her pregnant. I think she thinks that I was implying that I'd like to make her a mother someday and that is in NO way, shape or form what I was implying. "I meant that you're young, Jo. You're too young to have anything…or anyone holding you back. You especially don't need a baby right now. What I meant by 'right now' was your age. If you were like… 30 or so, I wouldn't care. But you're too young. I wouldn't do that to you right now, meaning you're way too young." I stroke my fingers along her lower back. "…I don't ever want kids. The whole husband/father life isn't for me. I figured that out a long time ago. I used to think I wanted a wife and kids someday but I'm not cut out for that anymore."

"What made you stop wanting that for yourself?"

"…Life." I sigh and shrug my shoulders. "I just figured that it wasn't for me." I used to want kids. I wanted to marry Lucy and I wanted to have kids with her. I actually used to picture our kids. I always liked the thought of having a boy and a girl. They'd both be beautiful little blonde things running around, just like their mother. I'd coach the little league baseball team or something like that and make sure my son hit the books hard. I'd spoil my daughter rotten by giving her whatever she wanted and if she wanted me to put on a goofy little pink hat for tea time, I would. There was a time when I wanted a wife and kids…I don't want them anymore though. Those thoughts went out the door when Lucy went out the door.

"Wow…your last ex really did a number on you, didn't she?" Jo chimes into my thoughts and puts her head down on the pillow next to mine. She glances over at me and catches me wrinkling my brow. I don't understand how she just figured that the reason I don't want to get married and have kids anymore is because of Lucy. How'd she figure? "…Well there has to be a reason behind it all, right? A reason why you treated me like dirt, a reason why you never had sex with girls in beds…a reason why you don't want to get married anymore. I'm just trying to figure out how the hell one girl could cause so much damage to one man." _Oh, I forgot I'm dealing with Einstein's daughter here. _Jo's entirely too smart for her own damn good. "What'd she do? …Reject your marriage proposal? Abort your unborn child? What's the story there?"

I chuckle, but not because anything she's saying is funny. I chuckle because there's no way in hell this girl should be this smart. I pinch the bridge of my nose and shake my head while I laugh. "…Lucy." I start out with her name. Aside from pop and that dickhead Garret, Jo's about to be the only one to know about Lucy and the kind of bitch she is. "I was with her for two, almost three years. We got together freshman year of college and stayed together until the third semester of junior year. I was…I was head over heels for that girl. I thought for sure I was gonna marry her. Had our kids' names picked out and everything. I even had the engagement ring picked out. I was gonna pop the question. I treated her like a queen, I swear I did." I sigh. "Came home from football practice one day and found her in the shower with my roommate." Jo's jaw drops when I say that. "She turned it all around on me. Said it was my fault for never being there. Said I worked out for wrestling and football too much. Said I didn't spend enough time with her. Then she dumped me."

"…What a bitch." She shakes her head. "I don't blame you. That sucks."

"Yeah well, you live and you learn." I shrug my shoulders again and sigh. I don't feel like talking about Lucy anymore. Because honestly, talking about Lucy isn't doing anything but making me want to tell Jo to get the hell out of my bed and leave me alone. I know, I know not all women are bitches like Lucy is. I know that Jo probably isn't a bitch like Lucy. But what if she is, you know? What if she is a bitch? And here I am, opening my fucking heart up to this girl. Lucy started out this way. It started out as me thinking we were a match made in heaven. Me thinking that this girl is meant for me. Then I started falling for her. And then I started making love to her. Then I fell in love with her. And she hurt me. All because I opened myself up and LET her hurt me like that, because I was weak. Now I'm sitting here thinking that Jo's my soulmate. And I just made love to the girl. And now I'm telling her my life story, and for WHAT? So she can hurt me again? I pull the covers back away from my naked body and stand up. "I'm gonna go see if they have an extra single that I can stay in." I mumble and snatch my boxers up off the floor.

Jo sits up and holds the blanket to her chest. "Why?" I pull my boxers up and grab my pajama pants next. "Alex, why? What's wrong?" I don't say anything to her. Instead, I put on my t-shirt and start slipping my socks on as well. I walk over to the section of the room where I put my bag and my wallet and pick them both up. "Alex, what did I do?" Clutching the blanket to her naked body, she gets out of the bed as well and walks over towards me. "What did I say? I…I'm sorry. Will you just talk to me? Will you just tell me what's wrong? What I did?" I start rummaging through my wallet to find my card so I can pay for the other room. While I'm looking for it, she starts getting dressed. She stands over beside the door and crosses her arms over her chest. "Talk to me…Alex, talk to me."

I find my card and shove it in the pocket of my pajama pants. I sling my bag over my shoulder and stand at the door. "Get out of my way, Jo."

"No…" She shakes her head. "Talk to me…Whatever I did, I'm…I'm sorry. What did I say? Did I do something?" I reach for the door handle and she steps in front of it. "No, Alex don't!" I try moving her out of the way with as little force as possible but she puts her hand over the handle and holds onto it. "No! Not until you talk to me!"

"Move, Jo." I say though clenched teeth, in hopes that she sees that I'm serious as a heart attack.

"No!" Still standing in front of the door and holding onto the handle with one hand, she starts trying to pull her pants up towards her waist and I take the minor lapse on her part as an opportunity to get her out of my way. I put my hands against her chest and give her a light, but firm shove to get her out of my way. Since her pajama pants are around her ankles, her balance is unsteady and the little push I gave her, though it was minor, it sends her backwards. She stumbles over her pants and trips. Her hip collides with a loud "thud" on the sharp corner of the dresser and she hits her head kind of hard off the wall. She doesn't cry or anything, the most noise she makes is a soft put pain-initiated. "Ow…" I stick around for a couple seconds to see if she's okay. She's slow to pick herself up off the ground. "…I'm sorry, okay?" She has tears on her cheeks. "I'm sorry…" Her hand is clasped over her hip and she has a red mark around her temple, where she hit her head. "Can we just talk?"

"Nothing to talk about." I pull open the door once I see that she's fine. It's not my fault she fell. She shouldn't be so damn clumsy. I didn't even push her that hard. I pushed her about as hard as a baby can push somebody. She was just clumsy as hell and she fell. Not my problem, not my fault.

"We have a lot to talk about…" She still has her hand over her hip and she's barely standing upright as she's walking towards me. "Why are you mad at me? What did I do, Alex?"

"Move your hand." I put my hand over hers and try to get her to move it so I can see the damage done to her hip.

"I'm okay…just tell me what went wrong…I thought…" She moves her hand like I asked. Her hip is really red and there's just a small cut on it. Blood is dripping down and collecting on the rim of her pajama pants but it looks worse than what it is. She just cut herself on the corner. "We were just talking. What did I say? So I can apologize…" I roll my eyes at her and roll my hand up inside my t-shirt. I gently press my hand to her hip and hold it there so I can stop the bleeding. "I just thought we were okay…" She wipes her tears. "We were talking. We… we made love and I just thought…" I cringe when she says "made love." That's just a step towards letting her hurt me. That's a step I took with Lucy and a step I can't afford to take with Jo. "We m—"

"We didn't make love." I shoot her down before she can start talking again. "We had sex. You gave me what I wanted and that's it. We had sex, Jo. Don't get your feelings involved."

"But you said…"

"I know what I said." I mumble and take my hand away from her hip.

"No, you said…you said I was special. You said I mattered… you said… Alex, you said—"

"I never said any of that bullshit, Jo. You said all of that. I just didn't disagree. I never said you were special and I never said you mattered to me."

"…So I was just sex to you." Her voice cracks and she steps away from me. "I knew it. I don't matter to anyone…much less to you." She shakes her head at me and walks fast, but still limps, to the bathroom. She slams the door and that's that. I put my bag and my wallet back down and leave out of the bedroom. I just need a moment. I need a minute alone.

I walk down the hallway and straight out the front door of the hotel. It's a beautiful night in Wichita, Kansas. It's humid outside but the slight breeze blowing makes it bearable. The starts are brightly shining above and it's comforting to hear the sounds coming from the overpass above my head. Passing through the other cars in the lot, I walk lifelessly over to my car and sit down on the hood of it. I look up at the stars and the lights coming from the trucks on the overpass and sigh. I never told Jo that she was special. I never told her that she mattered to me. She said all that stuff in the aftermath of me asking her if I hurt her while we were having sex. She said it, I just never disagreed. I didn't disagree because she IS special and she DOES matter to me. She's special. I had sex with her in a bed, she was the first girl in a while that I didn't use a condom with, and I care about her so much. She's special and she matters…and that's what scares me. I'm too scared to love her. I'm way too scared to fall in love with her. But now look what I've done. I screwed up. Just like I screw everything up. I wish my dad was here. He'd know what to tell me to do. He'd know exactly what to say, exactly what to tell me. "…I dunno if heaven's real…but if you're listenin', pop…what do I do?" I pinch the bridge of my nose as tears slip out of my eyes. I feel like a nutcase talking to the sky, hoping my dad can hear me. That's crazy, right?

I just wish there was a way for me to know for sure whether Jo's in it for the long run or not. I wish I could see into the future and I wish I could see whether or not she ends up Lucying me again. There's no way for me to know this all for sure, but I mean…what are the chances of my mom cheating on my dad like that? Even if she was just sleeping with these guys to fill her drug habit, she still cheated. What are the odds of my mom cheating on my dad, and Lucy cheating on me? I'm prone to infidelity. I'm prone to this crap, so why wouldn't Jo end up the same? It's in my genes or whatever. I didn't mean to hurt Jo like that. I mean so far, she's done nothing to deserve that. I didn't mean to hurt her. But the thought of falling in love with that girl just scared the living shit out of me. The thought of making love to her and taking that step towards opening myself up for her to hurt me… I just lost my mind. I'm not surprised that I screwed up like that, though. I screw up everything. I've been screwing up since before I was born. Screwed up my parents' lives by being born. Screwed up my parents' relationship by telling my dad I saw my mom cheating. Screwed up their marriage by needing picked up from football practice that day. Screwed up my relationship with Lucy by spending more time practicing for sports than with her. Now I screwed up with Jo. I screw up everything. I wipe my eyes hard and take a breath. _Man, if only Lucy never had anything to do with me. I would be screwed up in the head, but I wouldn't be so afraid to love Jo._

"_Alex, this isn't working…I just can't see us forcing this to be here when it's really not. You have to understand that…" She looks at the ring I just presented to her like it didn't cost me nearly $1,200. She's looking at it like it's a rock that I stuck in a silver band. It's a diamond. 12-karats and all. I paid serious money for it. Why's she acting like it's a pebble? "Garret…he can offer more than you can." She pushes the ring away. "You're super committed to your sports and I respect that…I get that. But I'm looking for someone to be committed to me."_

"_I'm committed to you, Lus. Why do you think I came over here?" I close the black velvet box the ring came in and put it on my lap. She broke up with me and left me for my roommate last week. I may seem slightly desperate coming over here and presenting her with the engagement ring I picked out for her, but I am just a little bit desperate. "I'm committed to you, Lus. If you want me to quit wrestling and football, I swear I will. I just want you. I want you and only you, Lus. I wanna be good enough for you. Whatever I have to do to be good enough, just lemme know…" I think I'm gonna cry again. I can't fight the tears coming. _

"_But Alex, you're not good enough for me." She shakes her head. "You're not good enough for me….or anyone right now, for that matter. You're all about wrestling and football and school. You don't make time for your girlfriends. __You're not good enough for anyone and realistically Alex, you probably never will be.__ You're not good enough…so settle for that. Settle for…for never being good enough."_

Alright, I think I'm cool. I just needed a second to cool down. First things first, I owe my Jo a big apology. She'll never understand why I am the way I am and I'll never force her to understand. She'll never understand that I'm simply just not good enough for her. But I owe her an apology nonetheless and I want her to know that even though I'm an asshole, having sex with her was important to me. I slide down off the hood of my car and trudge back to the hotel. She'll think I'm crazy if I tell her that the reason why I flipped out is because I'm scared to fall in love with her. The decision I came up with is that I'm not going to love her. She's probably going to turn into a bitch and hurt me in the end and whatever. Chances are pretty good that she'll be a bitch in the end. So I'm not going to fall in love with her, but I do owe her an apology and I'll be a man about it. I walk down the hallway of the first floor and make it to our room. I knock on the door twice to let her know that I'm coming in and I open the door. I shut it behind me and turn on the light.

She's not in here. She's NOT in this room. "Jo….It's me." I go over to the bathroom and open up the door. She's not in the bathroom either. When I see that the bathroom is empty, my heart gets heavy and this lump forms in the back of my throat. "JO!?" I go back into the bedroom and pull the blankets back on the bed. I get on my knees and look underneath the bed. _WHERE THE HELL IS SHE? _My chest is starting to burn with regret and my stomach aches with worry. "JO!" I scoop up my phone and go to my contacts. I never got her fucking phone number. I'VE BEEN WITH HER FOR FOUR DAYS AND I DON'T HAVE HER PHONE NUMBER. I'M AN IDIOT, RIGHT? I yank open the door and practically run down to the lobbyist.

"How can I help you, sir?" The woman asks.

"…Have you seen my girlfriend? …She's like…like five foot, five inches. Brown hair… brown eyes…" I try to keep my cool but I'm losing it. I'm losing my mind. She could be ANYWHERE. She could be somewhere in this hotel, she could be outside…GOD, IF SHE'S OUTSIDE. "Did she leave, by any chance? Did she check out?"

"I think she went outside…she went out through the front doors, I believe."

"She did?!"

"Yeah…is she wearing jeans and a pink blouse?"

"…No." To hell with her, she's no help. I run down the hall and get to the main lobby. Where the hell is my Jo? I'm going to lose my MIND if I don't find her. God, I'm an asshole. No wonder she left. She probably figured that I didn't want her around anymore. She probably left me, for good. I don't blame her. I don't blame her…I chased her away. I pushed her away and she's gone and I have no idea where she could've gone.

I won't stop looking for her though.


	25. Ever Again

**A/N:** So the beginning of this chapter might be a little bit confusing, so I'll just tell you this. The first point of view is Jo's point of view, and everything that goes on in the first narrative is what was happening to her/in her mind when Alex went outside.

* * *

I'd be lying if I said that I'm surprised. I'm not at all surprised by what happened tonight. I expected it. Though I expected this to happen, it doesn't make it any less heartbreaking though. I used to think that people that threw around the term "heartbroken" loosely were just attention seeking and melodramatic. I mean really, just how badly can your heart get broken? Hearts don't break and coming from a medical standpoint, if a heart broke, you wouldn't last longer than ten seconds before you kill over and die. And if your heart truly did break, you wouldn't survive long enough to ask for pity about it. But of course, all that changes when me, myself…has just fallen victim to something like I just did, thus throwing me into the experience of "heartbreak." Like I said, I'm not at all shocked or astonished about what happened. In fact, I halfway expected it to happen this way. Things don't go right for me and that's just the way it is. I'm not the kind of girl that gets a happily ever after. I learned that a very long time ago and really, I just accept it. I accept the fact that I get crapped on by every boy I try to be with. I admit that I let my guard down a little bit and began to think that maybe Alex was just a little bit different, but hey. I still accept it.

Let me be the first to say that heartbreak actually freaking sucks. My chest hurts. There's a sinking feeling in it and it feels like I'm going to have to try to breathe. I feel like my heart was literally ripped out of my chest, my stomach is in knots and I'm afraid to start crying because once I cry, I might not stop. I'll feel like a bit of an asshole if I start crying. It's like…what am I crying for? I knew this was going to happen, I set myself up for this to happen, I have no right to cry over it actually happening. I knew that Alex was an asshole before I even decided to sleep with him. I knew that in addition to him being this amazing, loving, caring person that he's shown to be, he has a nasty side. I knew that he has a nasty side and still, I chose to lie down with him and make love—err, have sex. We didn't make love, I have to remember that. I still don't know what I said to make him blow up at me. I still don't know when he decided that he was going to leave. I want to know what I did. I mean, I'd at least like to apologize to him. It all happened so fast. He was set off so…freaking…fast.

He was lying on top of me and I was rubbing his back. First of all, I've never actually did the whole "cuddling after sex" thing before tonight. Boys usually just climb off of me, roll over and go to sleep after they get done with me. Not Alex though. Alex pulled out, did his business on me and laid down. He put his arms around my waist, his head on my chest and he held me. I held him too because the feeling I had after having sex with him was something I wanted to hold on to forever. I never wanted to forget how special I felt in that moment. He was my first for a lot of things tonight. He was the first man to ever hold me the way he did. The first man to kiss me more than once while we were having sex. The first man to actually care whether or not he was making me uncomfortable, and he was the first man I ever let do what he did on my stomach. I trusted him though. I trusted that he wasn't dirty or diseased. I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me. I trusted that he wasn't going to make a mistake and I really trusted that he wasn't going to just use me. Alex is the first man I've ever had unprotected sex with too…that's how much I trusted him.

I don't know what I was thinking. How "special" can any woman be to Alex when he has the most screwed up views on women? The man has screwed up views of his own mother, what made me think I was different? I'm not special. I don't matter to him. I don't matter to anyone. The only man I ever mattered to was my dad. I trusted him way too much. I put all my faith into him…what a stupid thing for me to do. I thought he was going to be different. I tried so hard to bask in the moment. I tried so hard to keep the moment precious. I even shut him up. He started talking about being sorry that he hurt me and I shut that down quickly. There was nothing he could've said to ruin my moment. It was nearly impossible for him to shoot down the importance I felt. Leave it to Alex to find a way to do what I deemed impossible though. Leave it to him to ruin me, just when I thought that I was over a situation. I thought that nobody else was going to use me. I never thought I'd be in the same situation in less than a year. Have sex with a man only for him to dump me. I really, truly, deeply thought Alex was going to be different. Like I said…I don't know what I was thinking. Or maybe I wasn't thinking. Maybe I was just hoping. Screw me for hoping though. Screw me for thinking that he was different when he turned out exactly like the last guy I had sex with.

I put my hands down on the bathroom floor and pick myself up. The aching, throbbing sensation in my hip is just a nagging reminder that the argument—if you can call it that—actually happened between the two of us. I walk over to the sink, careful not to injure myself any further. When I get to the sink, I rest my hands on the counter and shift my leg to take the weight off my badly aching hip. I look at myself in the mirror just to make sure I don't look horrible when I decide to go back out into the room to face him. Around my left temple is a bright red circle mark that's slowly forming into a bruise. I cracked my head off the wall pretty hard but it doesn't hurt nearly as bad as my hip does. I twist the sink handle and let the water run so I can clean myself up. _Did he hit me? _I cup my hands together and fill them up with lukewarm water and lean my head down. I've been trying to figure out whether or not he hit me. He didn't mean to. He just pushed me and I tripped. _Yeah, excuses. That's how it always starts. Stupid battered girlfriend makes excuses for the jerk that hits her, then takes him back. It's always "he didn't mean it". Always. _I splash the water on my face and rub my fingertips over my eyes to wash any evidence of me crying away. Alex isn't like that though. He wouldn't hit a girl. _Yeah well you also thought he wouldn't use you for sex and look where that got you._

I turn off the running water at the sink and wipe my face off with my t-shirt. Alex didn't hit me. He just pushed me and he made me fall. It was an accident. It was a total accident. If…if he somehow manages to injure me again then I'll know for sure that he's abusive towards me. Physically abusive, I mean. I kind of already know that he's verbally and mentally abusive towards me but it's really not something that I can't take. This was just a mistake. He didn't mean to do that and he's sorry. If it happens again, then I have a reason to worry. Until then, I'm calm. I keep my shirt lifted up and I tilt my head downward to look at my hip. It's starting to bruise but in the middle of the bruising is a vertical slit with blood seeping out of it. The cut doesn't hurt as much as the fact that I hit it hurts. It's really sore. _I'd better go get a bandage before the bleeding stains my shirt and my pants. _I sigh and brace myself to go face Alex.

I turn off the bathroom light and open up the door. I shut the bathroom door behind myself and when I walk out into the bedroom, he's not even in here. A little bit confused, I look around. I wasn't in the bathroom for that long. Where'd he go that quickly? I look over towards the desk in the corner of the room next to the TV stand. His wallet is on the desk and his backpack is on the floor next to the desk. So he hasn't gone anywhere far, obviously. But where could he have even gone? _He doesn't give a rat's ass about you so why do you care about him? _I roll my eyes at my thoughts and walk over to the door. _He said he wanted to get an extra room so he doesn't have to sleep with you tonight... _Before I open the door, I bite my lip and consider this. He might get mad at me for doing this but what do I have to lose at this point? He's already mad at me for no apparent reason at all, I might as well give him a real reason to be pissed at me. I go over to his wallet and unzip it. I slip out his silver credit card and walk right out the door of the bedroom. I shut it behind myself and softly pad down the hallway to the check in desk.

"How may I help you, ma'am?" The man that checked Alex and I in when we first got here leans across the counter at me. His light blue eyes are fixated on me and I can tell by the look on his face that he's very interested in me. He wasn't checking me out when Alex was with me but he sure is checking me out now. I'm wearing a pair of fluffy pink pajama pants with purple hearts all over them, my t-shirt is grey with a butterfly on the left breast pocket and my hair is dull and lifeless. I don't look all that desirable right now in my pajamas so I really wonder why the hell he's looking at me like I'm a meal.

"Um…" I tuck my hair behind my ear and shuffle Alex's credit card back and forth in my hands. "I got into a fight with my friend and I just need to book an extra room..." He starts typing things into a computer as I'm speaking. I can see now that Alex will probably be a raging asshole when he finds out that I took his card and booked an extra room with it. But first of all, he was going to do it anyway. He was going to book an extra room anyway so why does it make a difference if I'm the one that does it instead of him? And secondly, he's already mad so I might as well add fuel to the fire. "You can book it under Wilson."

"$245.50." He stops typing and holds his hand out to me. I hand him Alex's card and look around because if I make eye contact with this guy, he's going to see it in my eyes that I know that what I'm doing is horribly wrong right now. "Room 401, up on the fourth floor…" He turns around and sifts through a cabinet full of room keys. "Is that all you need is an extra room?" He turns back to me and slides a card key across the counter at me. "There's your room key, babe." He folds his hands and leans against the counter. _Did he just call me babe?_

"Thanks." I swipe the key off the counter along with Alex's card and put them both in my hands. "And also…do you have a…first aid kit or something? Or just a Band-Aid of some sort?" I nervously run my hands through my hair.

"How big?" He kneels down behind his desk and rummages through something. "Medium-sized okay?" He pokes his head up and looks at me. I nod my head at him and he goes back behind his desk. "Do you need antiseptic? Bacitracin cream?" He pokes his head up once more and I just shake my head. If I start talking to him then I really might curse him out. If I needed antiseptic ointment or bacitracin cream, I would've asked. _Stop flirting with me_. He puts a white box with a red cross up on the desk and stands up straight. I lunge forward to reach for the first aid but he sweeps it off the counter and opens up the gate that separates the two of us. Once he gets around to where I am, he puts the kit back on the desk and starts opening it up. "Where's your wound?" He asks.

"On my hip." I take a slight step away from him. "But it's fine, can I just take a Band-Aid up to my room? I'm going to take a shower, so there's really no use in sticking it on now." I'm trying to be so polite in turning him down but he's making it so hard. He's extremely pushy and he's not going to do anything but cause me to be harsher in the way I tell him to stop flirting with me. I'm not interested. I'm not interested in him, I'm not interested in anyone anymore. I'm right back to where I started before I even got in the damn car with Alex. I don't want a relationship anymore. I thought I was ready for a boyfriend, I thought wanted a relationship with Alex but I was wrong. Now I'm not interested in anybody and I want him to leave me alone now. "So I'll just take the Band-Aid up to my room…" Not to mention, if I was going to go after someone, he'd be a little bit better looking than this guy. He's old, with wispy gray hair and powder blue eyes. If I was going to go looking for a guy, it'd be Matt. I'll probably never see poor Matt again but I swear, I wish I had given him a chance. He hands me the bandage from the first aid kit and I take it politely. "Thanks, have a nice night."

"You too, babe….and make sure you lock that door." He starts closing the first aid kit and winks at me. I wrinkle my brow and hesitate on walking for a second to just look at him. _I thought he was just being sweetly flirtatious at first but now he's kind of creeping me the hell out. _"I'm just saying." He takes the kit off the counter and walks towards me. He acts like he's just nearing me so he can walk back through the gate to get behind his counter again but he could've gone the other way to get behind the counter. I take a step away from him. "Girl like you up in a hotel room all alone… never know what you're gettin' yourself into." I take another step away from him. I wish I could start walking, but my legs are like mush. I can't walk. "You need anything, just come back down here. I work late tonight." My head irreverently nods. "I could come up to check on you if you like…"

"No, that's okay." I tighten my hand around Alex's credit card, my room key, my cell phone and my Band-Aid and I finally get my legs together long enough to walk away. I'm having a really rough night it seems. I really just want to go to sleep. I want to take a shower so I can wash myself free of the sex I had with Alex, free of his…bodily fluids on my stomach. I just want to wash away all my cares, get myself clean and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I push the button to call the elevator hard and wait patiently for the doors to open. I'll set the alarm on my phone to wake me up around 9:30 tomorrow morning. So Alex doesn't think I up and went away, I left my bag of clothes down in his room. I'll go back to his room when I wake up tomorrow morning. I'll give him the night to cool down. I walk into the elevator and push the button to take me up to the fourth floor. Speaking of Alex, I wonder where the hell he went. _Stop caring about him. He doesn't care about you!_

Still, I wonder where he went.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"She's my girlfriend. Her name is JO. She's five foot…five inches tall. She has long brown hair and light brown eyes. She's thin and she's very tiny. She came in WITH me. Have you seen her?" I went to the main lobby and looked, I went to the cafeteria and looked, I went down to the pool room and looked. I even went outside, which was pointless because I was outside and if she had left the hotel, I would've seen her leave. She doesn't have any money so I know she didn't rent another room and when I was in our room, her bag was still there, so she didn't go far. So now I'm right back here begging this woman at the check-in desk to help me. I'm losing my goddamn mind. She could be somewhere scared or cold or hurt. I don't know if she's alive or dead. I don't know if she decided to go kill herself somewhere. My point is she could be ANYWHERE. "Where's the other guy? The guy that was here before you…he checked us in. Can you please get the other guy?"

"I'm sorry sir, but he's on his break." Her Spanish accent is thick as she speaks broken English. I'd hate to get mean and nasty with this woman but she's not helping me. Jo is LOST. Why doesn't anybody care?! "I can keep an eye out looking for her and I can take down your room number so I will call you…when I have any information. But right now sir, there is nothing I can do. T'would be an invasion of privacy if I asked other…occupants to search their rooms. I will keep you updated, sir…I swear." I shake my head at her for again, being of NO help towards me and I walk off in the direction of our room again. I'm trying to think like Jo. I'm trying to put myself in her mindset and I'm trying to envision exactly where she might've gone. _Where would I be if I was Jo? _I open up the door to our room and slam it shut behind me. I looked everywhere for her. Everywhere in this hotel that she could've been, I looked. She's nowhere.

I pick up the wireless lamp sitting on the nightstand beside the bed and put all my muscle into throwing it hard at the wall. I grunt with the throw, which is how I know I threw it pretty freaking hard. The lamp busts and shatters against the wall and hits against a picture of a black and white bridge. The picture busts along with the lamp and falls down to the ground. After I watch my destruction, I hastily sit down on the bed and put my head in my hands. The only source of light in the room was coming from the lamp that I just broke so now it's dark. _She would've never left if I had never pushed her away. She wouldn't have felt the need to leave if I wasn't such a dick. Now I can't find her. _I run my hands through my hair and pull it. _DAMN ALEX. WHY? _I lie down flat against the bed and look up at the very dark ceiling. I need to find her. I think she'll be back because her bag is here and she wouldn't leave her bag if she was really going to leave. But I still can't bear the thought of where she might be.

I need to find her.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

I vigorously rub my towel over my head to dry my hair off and when I'm done, I toss it on the floor. It's actually quite nice to be in a room by myself. It's nice to have a break from Alex, even though I do miss him a bit. But ever since I got in the car with him and we started travelling, we haven't gone a day without fighting. We argue more than we talk and it's so tiresome to constantly have to argue and defend myself against him. It's the most tiring thing. So even though I miss him and I wonder if he's okay, it's so nice to have a break. I start combing my hair with my fingers up into a damp, sloppy bun so I can go to sleep for the night. I didn't bring my clothes upstairs with me to my new room, so I have to sleep naked. Sometimes I'll sleep topless and I'll NEVER sleep with pants on, but I never sleep naked. I usually always at least have panties on. But I had sex today for the first time in forever and the clothes that I came up here in are soiled. I just got out the shower and I'm clean, so it'd defeat the entire purpose if I were to put those clothes back on. I slide the covers back on my bed and climb into it. I pull the covers up over my naked body and roll over on my stomach so I can fall asleep.

Honestly? I wish I could forget about this night. I wish I could forget about the fact that I had sex with Alex, I wish I could forget about the fact that I think he hit me and I wish I could forget about how much I thought I meant to him. I can't forget about it though. Every time I close my eyes, I envision him hovering over top of me. I can still feel the sensation of his hips banging down into mine when he would thrust deep. And I'm still a little bit sore down below. I want to forget but I can't. I think I made a mistake. I think I made a mistake in having sex with him. We're still stuck with each other and I had with him. This is going to ruin everything. God, why can't I just matter to somebody? For once? Why can't I be somebody to someone? Why doesn't anybody ever care about me? Am I unlovable or something? I really want to matter to Alex. I really just want to be somebody to him.

I still want to know what I did. We were cuddling and basking in the afterglow of making—having sex. We were just lying there and I was in my glory. He seemed okay. And then I asked him about his girlfriend. He told me that his girlfriend was a bitch and I agreed. He told me that he loved her and they were supposed to get married but she cheated on him and dumped him. And after all that, he went batshit crazy on me. What went wrong? I mean, it's clear to see that he's a little bit messed up over his girlfriend but why does he have to take that out on me? What did I do? Did I say something to upset him? He went crazy after talking to me about Lucy. _You're not stupid, Jo. You know why he freaked out. _But why? I'm not like that. I'm not her. I'm not a bitch and I'm not setting out to hurt him. All I want to do is be his. I'm not out to hurt him. So I don't understand the reason why he freaked out. I'm putting two and two together and I get that he only freaked out on me after he talked about Lucy. So that HAS to be the reason why he freaked out. But I'm not understanding…

I'm not his ex-girlfriend. I'm not Lucy or whatever the hell her name was. I'm JO. Why isn't Jo good enough? I'm not her. He needs to realize that I'm not her. If that's the reason as to why he freaked out on me then I don't understand. I really hope that's not the reason he freaked. I hope he didn't flip on me because of his ex. Because that'd be really low. I hate being compared to other people and that's honestly one of my pet peeves. I close my eyes and try to give myself to sleep.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"You…" As I was roaming the hallways, I finally found the guy that checked me and Jo in earlier. I've been looking for her since 11:30 tonight. Last time I checked the time it was 1:15 in the morning. I've been looking for her for hours and still…nothing. I'm honestly half-cocked and out of my mind at this point. My head is reeling and I'm not playing games anymore. If somebody came around and tried to mess with me while I'm in the state of mind I'm currently in, I'd honestly probably kill somebody. I'm not in the right state of mind right now. I need Jo and until I have her back, I probably won't be in the right state of mind any time soon. The guy that checked us in earlier stops walking up the hallway and waits until I get over to him. "…Have you seen my girlfriend? You remember the girl that came in with me? She's short…about five foot, five inches. Brown hair… you remember her?" I ask him. He has a smug little grin on his face which lights a fire down in the pit of my stomach. I feel the anger bubbling up.

"Real pretty little thing she was…" He's smirking and my hand clenches up into a fist. "Yeah, I remember her. What's it to you?"

"Do you know where she went?" My vision is starting to blur but not because I'm starting to cry or anything. It's starting to blur because when I get mad, I have very legit tunnel-vision. The anger is welling up in the pit of my stomach, burning hot like a fire. I think I have the nerve to be mad because he's talking about Jo like she's meat on a platter. _Don't smile while you're talking about my girl, dude. I'll kill you. You don't even know her._

"It's against my policy to give away customers' rooms. I could get fired."

"But you know where she is?!" I feel relief eclipse the anger in my stomach. It's like relief is a bucket of water that just put out the fire of anger.

"I do." He nods. "But I can't reveal that kind of information to you. We have a code called customer confiden—"

He's interrupted mid-sentence by my hand wrapping around his throat. I black out in my anger and squeeze this man's throat in my hand and shove him against the wall. "WHERE IS SHE?" He still manages to have that smug look on his face, so I grip his throat harder and lift him up off the ground by his throat. "I'm not joking, man….where is she? She's my girlfriend…"

"R…room… 4…4…0….1." He chokes out. I squeeze his throat tighter. I squeeze it so tight that my hand begins to shake and tremble. When I see the color begin to drain out of the guy's face, I let him go and he falls into a heap on the floor. I don't even give him a second look as I push past him and go to get my Jo.

**X X X **

"JO!" I knock so hard on the door that the hinges crack because they're starting to break. "I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE, SO OPEN THE DOOR!" I knock harder. "OPEN THE DOOR, JO! NOW!" I put my ear to the door to listen and see if I can hear anything. I hear laughing…and a man's voice. _I'm going to jail tonight. _"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, JO!" I push against the door with my shoulder blade. She's in the room with somebody. Somebody's in there having sex with my girl. I hear laughing and a man's voice and I swear it sounds like there's people in there having sex. I'm really going to jail. "OPEN THE DOOR!" The door still doesn't budge and by now, I'm sure that I've probably woken up half the people on this floor. But I don't care. My girl is in the room with some other dude, laughing. I take a couple steps back away from the door and take a breath because I know what I'm about to do. I drop my shoulder down like I learned how to back when I played football and charge with my shoulder into the door. It breaks open and as soon as it breaks open, I hear the loudest scream I've ever heard in my life.

The room is dark, aside from the TV playing up on the wall. She's lying in the bed alone, naked. She's sitting up now as she's holding blankets to cover her body and she's looking at me like I'm supposed to be a ghost. She's alone, though. There's nobody else in the room with her. "…Alex?!" She's clutching a pillow to her body as if a pillow would protect her against something. I feel like an ass. I really, really feel like an ass. I thought she was in here with a man. How stupid am I for that? "…Oh my god." She runs her hand through her hair and she's breathing so hard. "Oh god…" I shut the door as best as I can behind me and stand where I am. "You scared the…" She's crying too. I must've really scared her. "Oh my god." I'm so glad she's safe. It's like everything is just gone. The worry I felt, the anger I felt, the jealousy of thinking she was in here with another man. It's all wiped away. She's safe. "I…." She's panicking. "I just booked a room on my own because…you said…you wanted to…"

I'm not even listening to anything she's saying. I nearly run over to the bed and dive on her. I put my lips against hers and I kiss her so hard. "You're so stupid, Jo! You're so stupid!" I kiss her on her lips again and her eyes are open. She's confused. "Why would you do that to me?! Do you have any idea…" I kiss her once more. "I was so worried about you! You have any idea how long I was looking for you?!" I hold her head still and kiss her deeper this time. "You're such a dumbass…" I pull away and look down at her. It's really her. Her hair, her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her beautiful, beautiful face. It's her. "…You scared the shit outta me, Jo…don't you ever do that again." I lean down and put my lips to hers again. I can't stop kissing her. Man, I really thought something happened to my girl. "You don't just up and leave, what the hell…"

"…Sorry."


	26. Trying

I've been trying to avoid the topic that's weighing heavily on my conscience, but now that everything seems to be calmed down, I think it's an appropriate time to address the issue. For about ten or fifteen minutes now, I've been lying on him and he hasn't said a word about it. He's sitting up against the headboard of the bed watching reruns of Will &amp; Grace. I'm lying with one of my legs draped over his bottom half and my head is on his chest and I'm watching TV right along with him. His fingertip is tracing light circles on the skin of my arm in a loving kind of way. I won't lie; I'm scared that this will turn into what it turned into hours ago. I'm scared that something inside that complicated little brain of his will go off and he'll freak out on me the way he did earlier. I honestly think that we'll be fine as long as we don't talk about it. We haven't spoken about it yet. He busted in the room and scared me out of my sleep. I seriously thought he was coming in here to ring my neck for stealing his card and renting a room but no. He came in here, held me still and kissed me. I'm really confused at this point but I'll take him kissing me over him screaming at me any day. I don't know why he kept calling me stupid but again, I haven't questioned it.

So since it seems like everything has died down a bit, I think I can tell him what I did. I hope it won't set him off too bad but at this point, I am completely expecting him to be pissed off with me but I'll have to tell him anyway sometime so I might as well suck it up, right? "…Here." Talking almost feels forbidden. It's been quiet for so long between the two of us that talking seems like it's not even permitted. It feels weird to break the silence. I peel the blankets back off of me so I can go over to the dresser where I put his card. When I get up, I adjust myself. Since I was sleeping naked, he gave me clothes to wear. He took off his t-shirt and gave it to me. I still didn't have any underwear so he took off his boxers and gave them to me as well. Now he's sleeping shirtless in a pair of basketball shorts. If we wanted to, we both could walk downstairs to the other room and grab our clothes. But we both agree that we shouldn't leave this room. The door is locked and there's a chair in front of it so nobody can barge in here and we don't think we should leave. I'm halfway expecting there to be a security guard outside waiting for him with handcuffs. I pick his credit card up off the dresser and walk it over to him. "Sorry for just taking it. I…I just didn't know what to do. I thought that I was squashing the fight between us by leaving…I didn't mean to…I mean…sorry." He takes the card off of me and sits it down on the nightstand next to him. I put my head down at the floor to brace myself for the speech he's about to give me. Instead of beginning to yell, he pulls the covers back again and pats the spot where I was laying. "…You're not mad?" I feel my eyes widen.

"Nah." He shakes his head and keeps patting the spot where I should be laying. I read his face to see if there's any anger he's trying to conceal and I don't see any. It seems like he's genuine and he's telling the truth. He's not mad, so I climb back into the bed, drape my leg across his waist and put my head back on his chest again. He covers me with the blankets and goes back to stroking my arm. "I'm just glad you're okay." He wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him so he can kiss my temple. "I thought you left the hotel. I thought I was going to have to ride around and try and see how far you got on foot. I thought I was going to find you dead somewhere. I'm not mad, I'm just glad you're safe." Since he said that, I put my arms around his waist and squeeze. "I'm surprised you're not mad at me…I was…I was kind of a jerk there." The way he says the word "jerk", he seems like he's either ashamed, embarrassed or both. "Is your head okay?" He uses his free hand to pull my hair out of his way so he can see where I hit my head. "How 'bout your hip? That hurt still?"

"I'm not mad at you." I run my hand over his hard abs and trace my fingers along the crevices of his six-pack. "Confused, yeah…but not mad. Um…disappointed, too. Mad though? No." I'm at least truthful with him. It's not like I'm lying to save his feelings or anything, I'm just really not mad. I'm crushed, devastated, disappointed, confused and hurt. But why should I be mad at him? I knew what I was getting myself into with him. Being mad at him would be redundant. I can't get mad at him for doing something I knew he'd do. If I got mad at him, I'd have to be mad at myself too. "Why would I be mad?"

"I was a jerk Jo, why wouldn't you be mad?" He puts his hand on the crown of my head and drags his fingers through my hair. "You should be confused and you should be disappointed…and you should be mad, too. Be mad." I open my mouth to begin telling him exactly why I'm not mad at him but he puts his finger up to my lips to quiet me before I even get a word out. "No, Jo…you didn't deserve that. I mean virtually, you did nothing wrong. You didn't do anything, so don't think you did. It's me. I've got some issues I need to work out and they have nothing to do with you, got that?" I open my mouth again but he puts his finger back. "I was thinking about something and I got myself worked up and you got the brunt of it. It was nothing you did so I don't want you apologizing to me. Don't apologize to me for my mistakes. Don't. I won't let you."

"…But why?" I'm surprised he actually even let me talk, so I have to scramble to put the words together so I can clean this up as best as I can. "I mean, why did you take it out on me? Alex, what's going on? You can't just…if we're gonna make this work, you can't just lash out at me with no explanation. You can't just flip on me and leave me in the dark as to why you did it. There's nothing you can't tell me. I'm your best friend and you're mine. There's nothing you can't talk to me about that I won't try to understand. You can't just not tell me things though, that's not fair. That isn't right." In typical Alex fashion, he stops rubbing my arm and looks away from me. I feel like he needs to know that I'm here for him. I stroke my hand along his chest and take a breath. "…Was it us talking about your ex? Is that what set you off?" He nods his head. "…Why?"

"I just don't like talking about it." He resumes rubbing my arm but I can tell that it's just a little bit forced.

"Then you could've said that." I make my tone as light and understanding as humanly possible. "I would never push you to talk about something you don't want to talk about, Alex. I wouldn't do that. I know what that's like and I wouldn't do that. If something is too touchy or too sensitive for you to talk about, just say that. I'll understand. Don't force yourself into talking about it because you think it'll appease me if you do. I don't…I'm not that important. Don't ever feel like you have to do something because of me. I'm not important."

"There you go again, acting stupid." He mumbles. "You're important, Jo. You're important to me and you matter. You matter to me. I used to think that maybe you were just trying to be humble by saying shit like… 'I'm not pretty' or 'I'm not important' or 'I don't matter'. But now I see that you're dead serious when you say it and it's kind of annoying. You have the worst self-esteem and it's friggin' mind blowing for me to hear you talk about yourself the way you do. Do you seriously not know that you're gorgeous?" He asks me that question with all seriousness and sincerity in his voice, which makes me blush. "I'm serious Jo. You're perfect. Look at yourself in the mirror sometimes…you have to see what I see. You're beautiful. And I'm not just saying that because you're stuck with me; I'm saying that because I mean it. You're beautiful and the only person that doesn't know that is you."

I put my hand over my face so he won't be able to see the fact that I'm blushing so hard right now. "Thank you. Nobody's ever said that to me before." I feel tears welling up in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. Nobody's ever said something like that to me before. Alex thinks I'm perfect. ALEX. He thinks I'm beautiful and pretty and sexy and he thinks I'm perfect. My stomach has that tingly feeling in it again. That feeling that Amber classified as "butterflies"? Yeah, the butterflies are back…and they feel so good. "You can stop calling me stupid, though…"

"You act like you're stupid sometimes. You're Einstein's daughter and you act stupid sometimes."

"I'm _not _Einstein's daughter." The butterflies are still running rampant in the pit of my stomach. I know he said earlier that we didn't make love or whatever, but I really feel like I'm special to him. I like this feeling. "…So, what are we calling this?" I put my hands flat on his chest and lift myself up. "You and me? What are we calling this? Are we friends with benefits? I don't really wanna put a label on it, but I kinda just want to know how far we're taking this." I explain myself. I just want to know how far I'm allowed to go with him. Like, if I'm his girlfriend, then I can kiss him whenever I want, I can start sexual things whenever I want, I can eat off his plate, I can hold him whenever I want, I can be annoying and I can bug him to do things for me. But if we're just friends with benefits then I can't just start sexual stuff whenever I feel like it, I can't hold him whenever I want, I won't annoy him and I won't bug him to do stuff for me. I just don't want to do things that aren't appropriate. "I hate to put a label on it but…what do we call this?"

"If you hate to put a label on it then why are you asking me to put a label on it?" His tone has shifted from remotely pleasant to something more annoyed. His entire demeanor is different. _What did I say this time? Oh my god. _"Why can't you just be satisfied? Why are you always asking for more? I kiss you and that's not enough for you. I lie down and I make love to you and somehow you're still not satisfied. What is it with you, Jo?" I narrow my eyes and start to speak. The furthest I get out before he interrupts me is, "you said we didn't—" and then he interrupts. "I know what I said, Jo… listen to what I'm saying now. I just want you to be satisfied. We kiss and we MAKE LOVE and somehow that's still not enough for you. What else do you want? Just accept it for what it is. Don't put a label on it. We kiss, we cuddle, we have sex, we laugh together and we talk. Can't it just be that? Why does there have to be a label? You're so needy sometimes…" He rolls his eyes and looks away from me.

"And now you're being mean again." I roll my eyes at him as well and just flop back down on his chest. I swear we're never going to get anywhere. One second he's nice, next second he's a dick. We're never going to get anywhere if every time we make progress, he shoots it back down by acting like an idiot.

"No, you're just being annoying. I don't get why there has to be a label on anything we do. Why's everything have to be so complicated with you, Josephine?" I raise my eyebrow at him. _Did he just "Josephine" me? _"We're friends, isn't that good enough for you? Nothing's ever good enough for you, Jo."

He just annoyed the hell out of me by using my full name. I'm so annoyed. "First of all ALEXANDER." I start my rant off with his full name just because he used mine against me. "Why should I have to settle for that? I mean okay, I will…but why do we just have to be friends? Then what's the point in trying to make this work, Alex? If we're just going to be friends that's fine with me, but what's the freaking point? I was just asking you what we are to each other so I wasn't confused all the freaking time. If we're just friends, fine. But what's the point in us trying to make this work if we're just going to be friends forever? If it's not your goal to become more than friends then what are we in this for?" I look at him and he just rolls his eyes again. "Stop! Rolling your eyes! Damn! Why do you have to act like this, Alex?! Every time we start getting somewhere, you feel the need to FUCK it up by acting like an asshole! Why?! Why are you so afraid of becoming anything more than friends with me?! Why does that scare you to the point of no return?!" I purposely bite my tongue to silently chastise myself for using the f-bomb. I don't throw that word around freely. "I'm so tired of arguing with you…"

"Then just shut up and leave me alone sometime, why don't you?"

"Why should I have to shut up? I'm one half of this relationship, why can't I have a say so as to what the hell goes on in it?"

"This isn't a relationship."

"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" I have to remove myself from his body because if I don't, I swear to GOD I will choke him. I cease all physical contact with him and I sit up. My hands are shaking and my body temperature is skyrocketing by the moment. "Then you need to leave me the HELL alone. If this isn't a relationship Alex, LEAVE ME ALONE. If this isn't a relationship then what the hell is it? Is it just a way for you to fuck me? Is it just a way for you screw with my emotions?! If this isn't a relationship then what is it?! Because now I'm seriously confused…"

"It's not just sex…" He sits up too and pinches the bridge of his nose like he's the most stressed out human being on the face of this earth.

"Then what is it?!" I demand.

"NOT A RELATIONSHIP!"

"WHY?!" My hands are shaking so badly with anger and anxiety. I just want to hit him so bad. I just want to punch him in mouth. Just one good, solid, hard hit. Just one is all I want. I know how touchy the subject is for him and I swore to myself that I wasn't going to bring it up, for the sake of sparing his feelings but I really feel like what I have to say NEEDS to be said. He needs to get it through his thick ass skull. "…I'm not her, Alex. I'm not her." When I say those three simple words, his expression changes. He looks as if I just poured icy cold water down the back of his neck. His eyes are wider, his mouth turns into a grimace and his whole expression is hardened. "I'm not." I follow up. I don't have a speech planned for this but I'll pull one out of thin air. "I'm not her. I'm not going to hurt you and you don't have to keep your guard up. You can let me in. I'm not…a coldhearted person. I'm not here to hurt you and I'm not here to break you down. I wouldn't do that. If you let me… I could love you. I'm not going to hurt you. I know you're scared to…to let me love you, because you've been burned in the past. I understand all of that, I do. But you can't walk around thinking that every woman is going to hurt you because I'm not. I'm not gonna hurt you, Alex. I'm not her. I'm not a cheater, I'm not a bitch. I know a good man when I see one and when I have a good man…I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers. You don't have to push me away and be so…so mean to me, Alex. You don't have to. Don't push me away and don't guard yourself. There's no reason to. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here…okay? And I just want to be enough. I want to be enough so, so bad. But you're not letting me. Right now, you're not letting me be enough. Let me be enough, Alex… I'm not her."

He still says nothing. His face is hard, expressionless. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I just poured my heart out to him and I'm getting nothing. "…Alex." I call his name and still, nothing. "Then I don't know what else to do." I shrug my shoulders. "I say I wanna talk but you just push me away. You tell me you're leaving when I want you to stay. I mean…but I'm the only one to blame because I'm always saying that it's okay and it's alright. I just… I push the pain away and let it slide. I'm crazy to sit here and think that one day you'll change things when you keep crossing the line with me. I keep…I keep feeding the flood when I should tell you we're through. I don't know what else to do." I look down at the blankets on the bed and try so hard to keep the tears in my eyes. "Whatever." I shrug my shoulders and quickly wipe away a tear that fell. "When you're ready to talk to me…I'll be here." I reach behind myself and prop up my pillow. "I'm gonna try and get some sleep." I lie down on the pillow and close my eyes. I've only ever poured my heart out like that to someone once before in my entire life and it was to my parents…and it was under much different circumstances.

I'm not one to open up much to people the way I just opened up to Alex. I'm trying so hard to be understanding towards him and I'm trying empathize with him and see where he's coming from but he's making it so hard. He just needs to understand that I'm not going to leave him. I want to love him, not hurt him. I want to be the one to show him that I'm not like any other woman he's been with. I want to love him and I really want him to see that I'm JO. I'm not Lucy and I'm not going to hurt him. I'd never hurt him. He's like…he's like a child. He's fragile, so broken and so scared to get hurt and I completely understand that. He reminds me of a broken little boy that was never put back together though. Why won't he let me fix him? I'm not here to hurt him. He's just pushing me away constantly and he doesn't have to. He's always pushing me away but the thing is, I'm not going anywhere. Him pushing me away is pointless. I feel like when he pushes me away is when he needs me the most. Unless he says that he really wants nothing to do with me, his efforts are fruitless. I'm not going anywhere. He said we're best friends and when I'm best friends with somebody, I'm in it for the long haul. He doesn't have to be afraid of me. He's nervous to feel this way about me and I get that. Having feelings for someone can be scary. I know firsthand. I was scared when I first started having feelings for him but I just let all my cares go and did what felt right to me. It felt right to me. He just has to let go. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say it, but I'm not Lucy. I'll say it forever, I'll say it until he believes me. I could be saying this forever, but if that's what it takes to get him to see that I'm different, then I'll say it forever.

"…Jo?" His voice is softer than it was the last time he spoke to me. My back is turned to him but I can hear him perfectly and I can feel his solemn energy. His hand rests in the middle of my back. "Are you sleeping already?" He asks. I shake my head but don't turn around to face him. "Good." His hand starts moving. "…Don't go, okay? Don't go." He takes his hand away from my back. "I'm tryin'." He sounds like he might cry and honestly, if he cries, my heart will break. If he cries, it'll kill me. "I'm trying…and I'll get there. But until then, don't go." He sniffs which lets me know that he's upset or crying already. "Just stay." I don't want him to think I'm a weak sucker for his tears so instead of turning around and forcing him to lie down on my chest while I comfort him, I just reach my hand back and lock our fingers together. It's a simple gesture but it's powerful enough to let him know that I'm not going anywhere. "Night, Jo." He leans forward and puts his lips to my temple.

I still don't say anything back to him.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I think she meant it when she said that she wasn't like Lucy. She gave me this whole big long speech about how she's not like Lucy and how she's different from her and deep down inside, I swear I want to believe her. I want to believe her and I want to know that she's being truthful but there's this block—this wall—that I'm so reluctant to take down. I'm just nervous. What if she turns out to be bad for me? I don't think she will, but there's no way for me to know that for sure. I just promised myself that I'd never let myself get hurt again. I promised that nothing would ever end the way Lucy ended and I don't want to break that promise. I was so messed up after Lucy, man. I was so messed up. I just never want to feel that way again. But with Jo, it's…it's worse, it seems. It seems like it's worse with Jo. I care about her more than I'll let myself admit and I think about her constantly. At least with Lucy, I could go to wrestling practice and I would forget about her for a little while. But with Jo, I can't even be away from her without going crazy. She makes me crazy. I feel like if I ever lose Jo, I'll hit a rock bottom harder than I hit when I lost Lucy. Jo's worse for some reason.

Jo makes me crazy. I get insanely angry when someone talks about her in a way that I don't like. I could hurt someone pretty badly over her and I wouldn't care about jail time. I'll lose my mind if something happened and I lost this girl, I swear I would. I just get so scared when I think about how easily things can be broken between us though. I'll hold her in my arms, feeling her breathing against my chest and everything seems right with the world. I feel like nothing else matters when I'm holding her. There could be nuclear warfare going on around us and it wouldn't matter to me in the least because I'm holding her and she makes everything alright. But then something will happen…like she'll mention us moving up to the next level and calling this a relationship and it scares the hell out of me. I just feel like the second I start falling for this girl it'll all get torn away. I don't want to fall in love with her, I don't want to even admit to myself that I have feelings for her. But I do and it's scaring the shit out of me.

I don't know much, but I know that she already is pretty different from Lus. First of all, Jo is selfless. Lucy was selfish. Lucy would always want me to do things for her before she'd do anything for me. I would ask her to do something for me but before she'd do it, she'd want something from me first. Jo is the complete opposite. Jo hasn't asked me for anything. She doesn't ask me for money, she doesn't expect anything from me and she'll even refuse something from me before she takes it. Jo is so selfless. And she's a genuinely kind person. Jo and Lucy are already so far from alike so really, Jo doesn't have to convince me that she's not Lucy. I already know she's not Lucy. I already know she and Lucy are opposite of one another. Lucy had about a hundred good qualities and a million bad qualities. Jo…she has a billion good qualities and I can't find one bad. She's already head and shoulders above Lucy and she's only 23 years old.

Like I said, I don't know much. I don't know much…but one thing I know for certain is that I've got to treat her better. I don't treat her right and I know I don't. I don't try to treat her bad…I don't try. It's just she scares me. She's so amazing that it scares me to think about losing her. So sometimes I feel like I should hurt her before she hurts me. I'm trying to convince myself that Jo won't hurt me ever so I don't have to hurt her before she hurts me. I'll just treat her better though. She doesn't deserve a damn thing she gets from me. And really, all she's doing is making me realize that she's so worth it. I dish out a lot of shit to Jo and she just takes it and she's still here. She still makes it a point to tell me that she's here and not going anywhere. She's worth it. Any girl that puts up with my shit without even so much as complaining is so worth it to me. She's worth everything.

"…Night, babe." I mumble as I press my lips down to her reddened temple. I haven't called a girl "babe" since Lucy. I won't call her "babe" to her face though. I don't know how she feels about pet names so far. When my lips meet her temple, she moves her head slightly but remains in her deep slumber. It's 3:30 in the morning and if I don't go to sleep now, there's no way in hell I'm driving in a few hours. Jo's been sleep since about 2:45. I can't fall asleep when she's on my mind the way she is. I'm just thinking about ways that I can make it up to her. But I should go to sleep. I slip my arm around her waist and pull her closer to my body. I swear I'm gonna treat her so much better. I swear I'm not going to be an asshole anymore. I'm gonna treat her how she treats me. If she's right…and this is a relationship…then I'm being a shitty 50% of the relationship. I hold her into my chest and put my chin on top of her head so I can go to sleep for the night. I close my eyes.

Of course, just as I close my eyes, there's loud, harsh, rough knocking sounds on the door. It sounds like the police trying to break the door down. And when I think about it, it seems about right. I forgot about everything that happened tonight. About me and Jo arguing, about me causing her to fall down and hurt herself, about me choking the bastard that wouldn't tell me where she was. I forgot about it. The knocking on the door is so loud though. _Shit…shit. _I look down and make sure Jo isn't waking up. She seems relatively undisturbed, so I slide my body out from underneath of hers very gently so I don't wake her. I lie her down on the bed and cushion her with blankets. I kiss her temple again and run as quietly as possible over to the door. I don't care about anything right now, I just want the knocking to stop before it wakes my girl up. I go over to the door and move the chair that me and Jo put in front of it. I turn the knob and open it up and just like I suspected, two men dressed in black and navy blue suits are standing out in the hallway.

"Can I help you?" I mumble as audibly as possible. I really thought that me and Jo had gotten away with all the yelling and stuff. They waited an entire hour and a half before they came up here and did something about it so I thought we were in the clear. Guess not. The men in the suits are gruff and very sturdy looking. I'm probably stronger though. I could take both of them if it came down to it.

"Hotel security." One of them flashes a badge at me and the other pulls a small notepad from the pocket of his uniform. "We received a complaint about an hour ago…of a loud disruption coming from this room. Said there was loud yelling, screaming and violent activity coming from this room." The one with the notepad clicks a pen open. "And screaming coming from the room."

"Me and my girlfriend had an argument and that's as far as it went." I open the door up more but as minimally as possible so they don't disturb Jo. "Everything's fine now."

"Right. Well we just want to look around in the hotel room…let us in." The one acts like he doesn't believe me which doesn't set right with me. I think they think I might've hit Jo which is absolute bullshit. "We also received a complaint from one of our staff members. Said you have a pretty explosive temper. Care to explain that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lie through my teeth. "But you're not coming in the room. My girl is sleeping…you're not waking her up."

"You don't wanna tell us? Well you're gonna tell the police, which one is it?"

"Take out your cuffs." I don't back down.

"I don't have handcuffs but two policemen downstairs do."

"Then bring 'em up here. You're not going in the room with my girl in there sleeping." I fold my arms and stand firmly in front of the door. They're not going in the room to wake Jo up. I don't have anything to hide from them but Jo is asleep and they're not waking her up. I refuse to let them in the room while she's sleeping. "You got a warrant?" I lift my chin up to show them that I'm really not backing down. "Get a warrant or get lost. I paid for this room."

"…What's the problem?" From behind me, I feel an arm wrap around my waist. I glance to my side and sure enough, Jo's standing there. She looks like she just woke up because her hair is all over the place and her eyes are wide. She runs her hands through her hair to make herself more decent and she puts her head against my bicep. "How can we help you, officers?" Her tone is so sweet and she's so calm. I put my arm around her waist and pull her closer to me so I can better protect her. I wish she was still asleep. I can handle this. "What's the problem, baby?" She looks up at me and I wrinkle my brow at the fact that she called me baby. Catching my drift, she widens her eyes to let me know to play along with her.

"They're here about our argument." I lean my head down and kiss her forehead. "You can go back to sleep."

"Good morning, ma'am." The man with the notepad addresses her. "We received a couple complaints about your male friend here. Will you just answer a few questions for us?"

"Sure." She agrees.

"What was your argument about?"

"Normal couple stuff. We lost our room key…and we were arguing about that. It was just something silly." She tucks her hair behind her ear. "Anything else?"

"Was the altercation physical?"

"No sir, Alex doesn't hit women." She shakes her head and squeezes her hand around my waist. "It was just verbal. It didn't escalate."

"We have you on camera asking for a bandage…is that a result of the fight?"

"No. I was running after him. He…" She clears her throat. "He went out for air after we argued and I ran after him. I tripped over my pajama pants and cut my hip on the door frame. My boyfriend doesn't hit me."

"…But he hit the bellboy, is that right?"

"She has nothing to do with that." I put my hand on Jo's chest and push her backwards. "He was a bastard, that's not her problem. Don't question her about that."

"You choked the man within an inch of his life, I think we need to cover all bases here. You're looking at assault charges."

Jo steps out in front of me and puts her arms around my waist. "…The bellboy was hitting on me." She looks up at me with the "I'm gonna kill you" look on her face, but she makes her voice all creaky. "He…he grabbed me." Her eyes are watery. _Is she faking? _"He grabbed me and squeezed my rear end. And he told me that he was gonna…do something to me. He was sexually harassing me. He…he even tried to.." Her voice interrupts with tears falling. _Jo is freaking crazy. _"I told him and that's when he choked the guy…he just lost his temper because the man was messing with me." She wipes her tears.

"That's still not a right to come within an inch of killing the man…" The other officer contends.

"You're right." Jo clears her throat. "…But I'm a pretty reasonable woman." She wipes her face some more. "I'm willing to forget everything that just happened tonight. I'm willing to leave here tomorrow morning without saying anything. However…if you insist on arresting him for choking the man that touched me, you will be hearing from my lawyer. And this hotel will be slammed with a sexual harassment lawsuit." She crosses her arms. _Is she serious? _"But I'm willing to forget everything that happened. I won't press charges on him." She clears her throat again. "Your decision, officers."

The officers both look me up and down and shake their heads. "…Have a nice day." The one with the notepad puts his notepad and pen away. And they both start walking down the hallway, leaving us alone. I look down at Jo and she's busy wiping tears with a smile on her face. I shake my head at her and crack a smile too.

_If I wasn't sure before, I'm sure now. I'm on a road trip with a con artist. _


	27. At Fault

**A/N:** Some **M **rated situations in this chapter.

Also, veryyyyy crucial Alex information in this chapter &amp; veryyyyyy crucial Jo information this chapter.

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With that goofy little satisfied smirk on his face, he looks down at me. I could slap him in his face for the way he's looking at me. He's looking at me like we just got away with murder charges and we're walking away scot free, without parole. _How could he be so STUPID_? He puts his hand up to my face and attempts to wipe my tears away himself but I smack his hand away. _And he has the nerve to call me stupid? He's the stupid one! _ He tries to wipe my tears away again but I slap his hand away once more. The expression on his face changes when he catches on to the fact that I'm not in the least bit giddy. Yeah I was giddy just a second ago but that's only because I actually succeeded in getting him out of trouble. "You're mad, aren't you?" He reasons aloud. _Gee, what gave that away? _I roll my eyes dramatically at him and give him a look. "Why are you mad at me?" He shifts the weight on his legs to allow him to look directly at me. "Jo."

After I take my hands away from my face from finishing wiping tears, I sniff and ease my hand inside his rather quickly and squeeze it. He was snickering and smirking at what just happened and while I agree that the situation is rather humorous, I still think we're a ways away from laughing comfortably about it. He's just an idiot. A literal, real life idiot. So while I have his hand inside mine and complete control over him, I drag him back inside the room and shut the door behind us. I'm honestly not mad at him or anything like that, but I am just a bit irritated. If I'm being honest, I'm a rather level-headed person. I have a pretty explosive temper and when you make me mad, look out. But it really does take a lot to make me mad. It takes a lot to get me to the point of being so pissed off that I can hurt something or someone and no matter how many times he makes me mad, I don't think Alex will ever be able to bring me to that point with him. I just can't get seriously mad at him. He's just so stupid sometimes. He makes the dumbest decisions. "What the HELL is the matter with you?!" Once the door is shut and we've got our privacy, I whip around and start laying it on him. He wrinkles his eyebrows in clear confusion. "Do you WANT to go to jail? Alex, is that what you're aiming for? Is that something you really want? I mean, seriously. Is that on your bucket list?" His face softens and I put my hands against his chest and push him so hard into the wall. _Okay so maybe I'm a little bit angrier than I originally thought. _"What the hell could've possibly been going through your mind to make you think that was okay? I mean seriously, Alex…seriously." _Maybe angry is the wrong word. I think the term I'm looking for is irritated. I'm irritated because he scared me to death._

"If you were gonna yell at me for causing a scene, why didn't you yell at me while I was doing it? What, since the security came up here with their big bad uniforms on, it's a big deal all of a sudden?" He keeps his back against the wall but he folds his arms. "This wouldn't have even been an issue if they never came up here. Now you're pissed at me? Get a grip. If you were so concerned, you would've flipped out on me for yelling in the first place, not all of a sudden now that hotel security came up here and talked to me about it." He unfolds his arms and sighs. "Look, if I knew you were going to throw it all up in my face and bust my chops all because you swooped in and saved me, I would've told you to save the shit, Jo. I didn't need you to do that if all you're going to is act like I owe you something now."

"And you call ME the stupid one." I turn away from him and walk across the room to take a breath. Usually when I get mad enough to the point where all I think about is hitting someone, I just go for it. Alex has made me think about hitting him more than once now and every time he provoked me, I always talk myself out of it. I never want to put my hands on him the way I know I can put my hands on him. Once I'm all calmed down, I walk back over towards him. "I'm not pissed at you for yelling, dumbass. And believe me, this is not me throwing something up in your face. That's not what I'm doing. What I'm doing is trying to get you to see how freaking stupid you are. I'm not throwing this up in your face and I don't regret doing what I did. But really Alex? Don't you think before you do stuff? You CHOKED a man? Really?!" His face turns solemn and I can tell he gets the point. "You could've KILLED him. What's wrong with you?!"

"He's fine though." He mumbles.

"THAT ISNT THE POINT!" He's about to make me cry. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get how much he scared me. My eyes sting with tears and my vision gets a little bit blurry. "You could've gotten arrested. And aggravated assault is jail time. You could've gone to jail. And then you just told them to handcuff you? You almost went to jail tonight…does that mean nothing to you?" I blink my eyes once and the tears stream down my cheeks. He really did scare the hell out of me. He almost went to jail tonight and then what? What would I have done without him? I really don't even know what came over me when I lied to those security men. I was so scared but all I was thinking was that I couldn't let Alex go to jail. And he doesn't even care. He doesn't care that he almost got locked up. "I wasn't about to let you go to jail." My voice is all muggy and thick from the fact that I'm crying. "You scared the crap outta me and you don't even get it, you don't care, you don't even—" I cut myself off from my sentence because the sobs rock my body and make me hiccup.

"Jo, come on…" He walks towards me and puts his arms out but I turn away from him. It's already bad enough that I'm crying, I don't really want him to baby me and comfort me. I didn't even mean to start crying this hard. I didn't even know I was this upset about what happened. "No, come here…" He forces himself on me and puts his arms around my body. "I'm sorry, alright?" He squeezes his arms around me and starts rubbing my back. "Come on, don't cry…I'm sorry." I can't stop, literally. My chest is tight and I'm hiccupping and my head is starting to hurt but I can't stop crying. I bury my face in his chest and try to slow myself down. "Jo, stop it…stop. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I mean it, I'm sorry." He puts his hands underneath the backs of my legs and taps. I catch his drift, jump up lightly and wrap my arms around his waist. He holds me up and keeps rubbing my back. I put my face in his neck and inhale his scent. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Stop crying." I nod my head and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry." He kisses me on my cheek. "Stop crying…"

"You scared me..." I sniff and pick my head up. "You didn't even care. How can you be that reckless?" I look him in his eyes and he has a genuine sorrowful look in his eyes. "I wasn't even gonna come out there. I was gonna let you handle it. But you told them to go ahead and arrest you. You didn't even care that you were gonna go to jail. What's wrong with you?" The more I look at him, the more I just want to bust out in tears again. I almost really lost him tonight. He really almost went to jail. I can't even bear the thought of him leaving me stranded like this, let alone him going to jail being the reason behind it. But I wasn't going to let that happen. If I had to go as far as slitting the officers' throats, he wasn't going to jail tonight. I'm glad that all it took was a lie to get them to back off, but I don't really care what lengths I would have to go to, just to make sure Alex wasn't going to jail. "Why didn't you care?"

"…They were trying to come in the room. They wanted to search the room and at that point, I thought you were still sleeping." I raise my eyebrows as I wait for him to give me more details than that because as of right now, that's a stupid reason to tell them to handcuff him. "I wasn't about to let them come in the room while you were sleeping, Jo. Screw that. I don't care what they wanted to do to me but they weren't gonna come in the room and disturb you over something you had nothing to do with. I wasn't gonna let that happen. It wasn't your fault so why would I let them come in the room?" He takes one of his arms from around my waist and brings his hand up to wipe my cheeks off. "Anybody ever tell you that you're too pretty to cry?" I look away from him as my cheeks flush bright red. I shake my head. "Well I'm telling you…you're too pretty to cry. Cut that out." I sniff for the last time and nod my head. I must admit that this is a very nice change. I remember the last time I cried in front of him, he laughed at me and told me to suck it up. Now he's holding me and comforting me and telling me that I'm too pretty to cry. It's such a nice change of pace. "Alright…let's try and get some sleep finally." He puts me down and kisses my cheek again.

I rub my eyes hard and clear my throat. "We're not sleeping here." I state, matter-of-factly. I start walking around the room to collect the things in here that belong to us. "I'm serious Alex, we can't sleep here." He looks at me and I use our special little connection to read his expression. "Because!" I start. I pull my socks onto my feet and keep going. "I just told the biggest lie. I just accused a man of trying to rape me. How long do you think it's gonna be until they realize I lied? Until they realize that I'm not going to sue the hotel? And if you really choked the guy as bad as they made it seem, he's not going to back out of pressing charges against you. We can't stay here, are you crazy?" I turn off the TV and throw the remote on the bed. "We gotta go. Like…yesterday."

"How the hell did I get stuck with a brainiac like you?" He sweeps his phone up off the dresser and puts on his slippers. He opens up the door and holds it open as he waits for me. "But we've gotta go somewhere…I'm exhausted and I can't drive like this. We can pull off on the side of the road and sleep in the car. I mean, it'll set us back a whole lot but…" He runs his hand through his hair. "We've gotta sleep somewhere. I didn't sleep at all tonight."

"Okay, um…" I put my hand against my forehead so I can think. I'm usually a pretty quick thinker but for some reason, I can't think right now. I don't have a plan. I mean I don't usually have any preconceived plans whenever I think of something quick because usually my ideas just come to me but right now, I have nothing. "Um…if you're comfortable with it, I can drive. If you're not comfortable with me driving your car I totally understand but that's the only thing I can think of. I slept a little bit and I'm not tired in the least. I'm an insomniac so I don't sleep much anyway, so I'm fine right now. I can drive for a while and you can sleep. And when you wake up, I can pull over and you can drive us all the way to our next hotel. That's the only thing I can come up with…"

"I don't care if you drive." He shrugs. "I don't want you driving that long way though." I roll my eyes. "No, it's really not like I care. I really don't care if you drive my car Jo, I'd give you the keys in a heartbeat and I trust that you won't kill us but I don't want you to drive that far. You should lie down and get some sleep too. I don't want you to be tired and I don't want you driving when you didn't get any sleep." He lovingly caresses my arm and while I like how nice he's being, I kind of wonder what came over him. I like it though, so I'm not questioning it. "You need to sleep, Jo…"

"Alex, I'm fine. I don't sleep. That's just how I am. Ever since I was little, I've had a pretty unhealthy relationship with sleep. I'm used to getting like…an hour of sleep and going into work at 8:00 in the morning. Trust me, I'm fine. My body is adjusted or whatever." Since he's touching me all of a sudden, I feel like it's okay for me to touch him too. So I loop my arm around his waist and give him a side hug. "I can see that you're tired. I can drive while you sleep, it's not a big deal for me. I would tell you if it was." I stroke his hip and put my head against his arm.

"Alright." He puts his lips against the top of my head. "But when we get to California, I want you to see somebody for that…not sleeping thing."

"I don't need to see anyone for it." I let him go and start walking out the room. "We seriously need to get going now, before we run into anymore problems. You go out and get the car started, I'll go to the other room and grab our clothes…go."

"Other way around." He shuts the broken door to the room we were just in and stands across from me in the hallway. He digs in the pocket of his pajama pants and hands me the keys to his car. "I don't want you having to deal with any bullshit with the bellhop. I'll deal with it. You go warm up the car, I'll grab our clothes. I already paid for the rooms so there isn't any need to check out if we're in a rush. You go warm the car up. I'm not letting you deal with bullshit from these people."

"Whatever floats your boat." I take his keys and start walking in the direction opposite of the direction he needs to walk in. "Oh, hey…" I turn around and call him. He turns around too. "Keep your hands to yourself. I'll meet you at the car." He smirks and nods at me. I sigh, turn around and start going towards the staircase that'll lead me downstairs and straight out the front doors of the hotel. He has to take the elevator down to our first room. I push the front doors open and walk out into the night air. My head is literally spinning from everything that happened tonight. I had sex with Alex, then he flipped on me. I ran away, he flipped again. He choked a guy and almost got arrested. And now we're leaving. That's a lot for one night, isn't it? But somehow, I really feel like we made progress tonight. He made me cry a bunch of times tonight by flipping on me after sex and scaring me and all that, but I really do feel like we made progress. I feel like we're getting somewhere. It's like we take one step forward and three steps backward but I feel like for once, we took a step forward and we took another forward and we haven't taken one back just yet. I feel like we're finally getting somewhere with this relationship…or whatever it is.

I unlock his car doors and climb right inside the driver's seat. I put my foot down on the brake and start it. I look around outside to see if he's coming. Once I'm sure that he's nowhere in sight, I put my forehead against the steering wheel and take a breath. Since I've got a moment alone and I don't have a fight to sit and ponder about, I finally have a minute to think about other things. _What is happening to your life right now, Jo? What's going on? _I feel like I've lost complete control of everything. I had a plan. I knew exactly how I wanted my life to go and I knew what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore if I'm being honest. Alex is awesome so don't think I'm trying to trash the fact that I'm stuck with him. He's the best friend I've ever had, and that's saying something. He's mean to me sometimes and he acts like a total idiot, but he really is my best friend. I'm comfortable telling him almost anything and I have his back with anything so really, I couldn't have picked a better person to get stuck with. But the thing is just that. I'm stuck. I'm in a car with him and I'm stuck here. I don't have anywhere else to go, anyone else to turn to. When did I let my life get this far out of control?

I don't feel like I have control over anything that goes on in my life anymore and that's such a degrading feeling. I take another deep breath and try to get a hold on my thoughts but I can't. _Everything is out of your control so you might as well just face it. _No, I used to have a very specific dream. I was going to work in the store and live in my shitty apartment until I had enough to get the hell out of Iowa for good and go to Massachusetts. I was going to graduate med school from Harvard and I was going to get a job out there at Massachusetts General Hospital. I was going to live my dream in Massachusetts for the rest of my life and I was going to make my mom and dad proud. _Now what?_ When I think "now what" to myself, that's when I feel the urge to cry coming on. No job to make enough money to go to Harvard, no shitty apartment to live in. My job, along with my shitty apartment, burned down. No money to go to Harvard so Harvard's out of the question. My dream is shattered and I can't pick up the pieces because I'm not able to make them fit anymore. I can settle and go to med school somewhere in California with Alex, whatever. But the whole point is that I used to have control of my life and I used to be able to dictate where I was going and now I can't. My life is in shambles.

I do a pretty good job at hiding the fact that I'm depressed from Alex, don't I? I don't really want him to know how depressed I am. Look, I've taken a year of general psychology and one year of abnormal psychology back at Princeton, so I know the word "depressed" isn't one that you can just throw around lightly. I know all of that. So when I say that I'm _depressed_, please believe that I mean it. Alex kind of makes the whole depression thing a lot better sometimes—when he's nice to me—but there's really nothing that can take it away. It's just constant, all the time, never ending. I'm depressed every single day of my life. Every single freaking day, I just feel like lying down and never waking up. I feel like I have a dark grey raincloud hovering over my head all day, every day. It's not to the point where I want to kill myself or anything like that, it's just to the point where if I did die at this point, I wouldn't really care. I think I do a good job at hiding it from Alex for the most part. He doesn't need to know that I'm battling depression. I feel like if he knows that I'm sad. I don't hide the fact that I'm sad about the fact that my life sucks. But I feel like if he knew how bad the "sadness" really is, he'd try to help me and I don't want to be helped. Nobody can help me, really. Like I said, Alex helps sometimes. He never takes the depression and the feeling that I want to just curl up in a ball and die completely away but he helps it sometimes. It's weird because no matter what I'm doing, I'm just constantly in a state of wanting to just cry. Not that the sex earlier was horrible and uncomfortable because it wasn't; it was amazing, but even while we were having sex, I was just…upset. I'm just not a happy person. I don't know. I just don't want him to know that I'm depressed.

Interrupting my thoughts, the passenger's side door opens up and he climbs in through it. I pick my head up off the steering wheel and just like I'm accustomed to doing, I plaster a smile on my face and pull myself together. "Ready to go?" I ask him, trying to make the tone of my voice lighter instead of matching the dreariness I'm currently feeling.

"Yeah…" He nods his head and puts his seatbelt on. I clear my throat and keep stitching myself back up from the fact that I'm drowning right now and throw the gearshift in reverse. "Sorry it took so long. I uh…" He sounds nervous for some reason. "I went to the ATM in the cafeteria and took out a couple hundred bucks…I broke a lamp and a picture frame in our room. I left the money on the bed and a sorry note to compensate for it…I wouldn't feel right if I just left it." He explains. I shake my head at him and start driving out of the parking lot. He reminds me of me with his hot temper. "So, you know where you're going?" He asks.

"I can follow a GPS. You can go to sleep." I keep my eyes on the road and turn off onto the highway. I haven't driven a car since before my mom went into the nursing home she checked herself into. She asked me if I wanted her car before she sold it but I declined because it was old, falling apart and it was more trouble than it was worth. I haven't driven since then though, but driving is like riding a bike. I haven't forgotten and from what I recall, I'm a pretty good driver.

"Mhm…don't wreck my car." He taps me on my leg in a joking fashion and starts reclining his chair back. I turn on the heat so he's comfortable without a blanket. Since I'm not cold at all, I turn all the vents to face him. He scoots up and makes himself as comfortable as he possibly can on his chair. "Oh and Jo…" He calls me and I don't say anything but I know he knows I'm listening. "I have something to ask you." Again, I don't say anything but he knows I'm listening. "I'm not…real good with emotions, you know." I nod my head and keep focused on the road. "But what can I do to like…show you?" He asks and I start giggling. He's so cute for that. You're not supposed to ask a girl how to show them that you like them, you're supposed to just do it. He's adorable though. He really is bad with romance in real life, isn't he? "What would make you see that I'm sorry and stuff? And what can take this thing up a notch? I've been thinking and I've got nothing."

Still giggling, I take my eyes off the road for a second and look at him. "Take me on a date." I look back at the road. "We did this kind of ass-backwards, didn't we? With the whole…sex before even asking on a date thing, but better late than never. Just take me on date, okay?"

"A date?"

"Yeah…a date. You know…that thing where you're alone at a place with a girl? Most guys do dinner and a movie, but some get real fancy and do things like the beach or an amusement park or some kind of sporting event. A date…you're supposed to do the date before having sex but yanno…" I shrug.

"Where do you wanna go?"

"I can't tell you everything!" I take a left turn and get onto an exit. "Surprise me. I'm not picky." From the corner of my eye, I see him nod. I should just mess with him a little bit though. "But I don't like Italian food, I only like Mexican. Oh, and I hate the movies. Movies are overpriced and boring. And if you're gonna take me to the beach, don't. I hate the beach…sand in my eyes, skin cancer…vacations I never got to take as a child. And I absolutely hate all sports. Basketball sucks, football sucks, baseball is trash…I hate all sports. Also, if you're gonna take me to an amusement park, it HAS to have a carousel. If it doesn't, I'm not going…"

"Damn…I thought you said you weren't picky?"

I laugh a little harder. "I'm just joking. Nothing I said was true, I was just joking." I tuck my hair behind my ear. "Except for the beach. I don't hate it but it's not my thing. I'd rather swim in a pool. But other than that, nothing is true."

"I hate you."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Why did you decide to drive to California again? Instead of taking a plane?" She picks up a piece of bacon from her plate and sticks it in her mouth. I don't know the name of the place we're currently at because it's not some fancy restaurant chain. It's a privately owned thing and it's small and not a lot of people are here. We're in some town just outside of Denver, Colorado. It didn't take long to get from Wichita to here. Jo drove for three hours while I slept and I drove for four more after that. We left the hotel in Wichita at around 4:30 in the morning or so and it's only 12:15 now. "Because I'm still not getting it." She picks up another piece of bacon. Jo really is a very strange chick. This place has a brunch buffet with a bunch of breakfast and lunch food set out on a platter, but all she got was a plate of bacon. She's so weird but I find it amazing. I find everything she does to be amazing really. After that stunt she pulled at the hotel, I'm just in awe of her. She's amazing in every aspect of the word. She wasn't lying when she said she doesn't need sleep, either. She's been going on seven hours of straight driving without sleep and she's fine.

I pick up my fork and cut a corner of a pancake I got at the buffet. "Don't worry about it." I fork the pancake in my mouth and chew. I can't tell her that we couldn't take a plane because I was paranoid. I was paranoid that if we flew, some crazed person from my lynch mob would find out my flight information and hunt us down in California. I can't tell Jo all of that without having to tell her that I'm the very reason her house got burned down. I hate lying to her but I really don't want her to be mad at me or anything. "Worry about eating something more than a plate of bacon."

"I like bacon." She puts another piece in her mouth and chews. "So…our next hotel is in Denver, right? Like…half an hour away?" She asks. Since my mouth is full, I nod my head instead of talking to her. I'm surprised she just dropped the whole plane situation the way she did. I thought for sure she'd drag it on and try and get some information from me but she didn't. I'm surprised to say the least. "That's not bad." She barrels more bacon into her mouth and I take another heaping mouthful of pancake. As I'm chewing, I notice that her fingers are tapping and her head is very, very slightly bobbing. Is it bad that I find awe in everything she does?

"...You like this song, Jo?" I ask her, referring to the song that's playing over the intercom in the restaurant. Her fingers and her head seem to be moving in tune to the beat, that's why I'm wondering. She smiles of embarrassment that I caught her dancing and she nods. "I like it too."

"I saw them in concert back when I was like…fourteen." She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and giggles. "I had the t-shirt and everything. My dad liked them too so he took me. I lost my voice screaming."

"Oh wow." I shake my head trying to imagine her as a teenager.

"I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep up above in my head instead of going under, instead of going under…" She sings softly and picks up more bacon. "'Cause I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep up above in my head instead of going under, instead of going under again…"

"What other concerts you been to?" I grab my glass of orange juice.

"Oh….um…geez." She bites her lip like she's thinking. "Sum41… Maroon 5 while I was in college, John Mayer, I saw Matchbox 20 in concert once… and I saw Linkin Park too. The Black Eyed Peas… That's really it. And my dad took me to all of them except for Maroon 5. He was a music major in college back when he went and he really liked classical music before me. I introduced him to a lot of newer music and he seemed to like the rock stuff. He was a real good piano player before he got his arthritis."

"Your folks sound like they were cool. How'd they pass?"

"They were just old, really." She shrugs. "My mom was 78 and my dad was 81 when they adopted me…and they adopted me when I was ten. So what does that tell you?"

"They lived for a while then, didn't they?"

"Yeah." She nods her head. "They were both real healthy. Neither one of them smoked cigarettes or anything and they were both pretty young for their ages. They were kind of old-fashioned but that was the worst thing about them."

"What do you mean by that? By old fashioned?" I like hearing about her childhood. I don't know why, I just do. I think it's because I enjoy learning about her.

"Just real…old fashioned." She struggles to explain. "Like…they believed in spanking. They didn't hit me for a while because I was getting used to them, but once I was officially adopted and I was comfortable enough to backtalk and do normal preteen things, they spanked me and stuff. And my dad believed that the man should work and the woman should stay home. Neither one of them believed in premarital sex. And I was grounded for like a month because my dad thought I was dating one of my black friends. They didn't believe in interracial relationships either. That was a big no-no."

"He just thought that though…why were you grounded? They were that racist?"

"It's not…like…" She folds her hands and sighs. "Okay." I can tell she's about to tell me a long story. "They weren't like hardcore racist but they just didn't believe that whites and blacks should date. They were really old-fashioned so it's like…that's how they were raised. They were 78 and 81 so that's the time period they grew up in. And it's not like they were racist or whatever just against black people, it was like…all people. Because my parents were Greek and Greek people think that only Greeks should be with Greeks. So it's not like they didn't think that white people and black people shouldn't date, it was like…all people. If you were white, you really wouldn't cut it either. Same for Mexican and Asian. They were an arranged marriage, that's how old they were. So it's like…that's how they grew up. So it wasn't really racism as much as it was that they believed that Greeks should be with Greeks. I had a few black friends in elementary and middle school and they were allowed to come over my house and I was allowed to go over theirs. My mom and dad weren't prejudiced like that. But my dad FREAKED when he thought I was dating one of my black friends. He wanted me with a Greek guy real bad."

"But you're not even Greek…you're adopted." I totally get what she means by her parents being old-fashioned that way. They just grew up in a different time period so that's what they were taught. I understand that and I don't think that makes her parents bad people. Just a little bit old-minded. "So why would it even matter?"

"Exactly!" She starts laughing. "I didn't talk to my dad for like two weeks for that. I was so mad at him for that. I would always tell him that I'm not Greek and I can date whoever I want, even though I wasn't dating Kenny. I was such a little bitch towards my dad for that. I was so disrespectful. I remember being like 'Just because you and mom's marriage was arranged doesn't mean you have to arrange mine' it was bad. I was so disrespectful but oh well. I swear freshman year of high school, me and my dad hated each other."

"What about your mom?"

"My mom was like…real okay with it." She leans forward and takes a sip of her drink. "My mom was more tolerant than my dad. She didn't really care either way. She would've preferred me to date a Greek guy but she was whatever with it. She asked to meet Kenny and stuff but I had to let her know that I wasn't even dating him, we were just friends. But she was kind of disappointed when she found out I lost my virginity to a white guy. She was real mad because there was this guy that was half Greek and half Irish that went to my school and she wanted me to date him real bad. She gave me a real dirty look when I told her that Kyle was white but she was cool with it eventually. I just don't care what color you are as long as you're nice to me and they didn't get that." She shrugs. "I was a bitchy teenager. I lived to piss my parents off. I calmed down in my junior year of high school though."

"So what are you? If you're not Greek." I ask her.

"I don't know. I think I'm Italian because I'm super hairy and my skin gets kind of dark in the summer but I could be like...German or Polish or something. I really don't know what I am. I never knew my birth parents."

"Did you ever want to?"

"No…screw them." She shrugs her shoulders again. "…Why so many questions?"

"I dunno…I like learning about you." I just stare at her, trying to find a flaw. "I just realize how little we know about each other…I want to know more. Is that so bad?"

"No, I guess not." She sighs. "My turn. What were your parents like?"

I laugh, because she doesn't even wanna know. "My dad was a jerk sometimes and my mom was a bitch. Nothing to report, really. My parents sucked together but separately, they were tolerable. I hated them both up until they divorced. I hated my dad for making my mom cry and leave all the time and I hated my mom for being such a bitch and cheating on him all the time. I hated them both but my dad was always kind of my favorite in a way. Then my mom left and I hated her for a while. But I guess I'm okay with them now, sort of."

"Your mom really cheated on your dad?"

"A bunch of times, actually. Like fifty times. She was a junkie so she slept with guys to get her fix, that's what it was."

"Your mom? She was a junkie?"

"Real bad too."

"No way…I couldn't even tell…"

"She's been clean for a while but when I was younger she was real bad off." It's so easy to just spill everything to Jo. She's just easy to talk to. I didn't even tell Lucy the things I'm telling Jo. That's just another way they're different. "My dad was my savior in a lot of situations but he was a bad parent too when I was younger. There were days that I didn't even see him. He would always leave me with my uncle and stuff. Sometimes he'd give me dry cereal to eat for dinner before he'd leave me home alone so he could go to work. He'd bring me something from McDonald's when he'd come home at night but that wasn't until like 12:30 or 1:00 in the morning sometimes. I had bad parents…until they divorced and everything got better after that."

"Were you a bad kid though? Like…were you naughty and stuff?" She asks and I can't help but melt at the way she asked me if I was "naughty", because I know she didn't mean it in the way that it could be taken. I just love it when her Ivy League education comes out and she talks proper. I love it.

"I wasn't too horrible. I mostly got in trouble for having girls over when I wasn't supposed to. I wasn't into being disobedient or anything. I respected the rules and I wasn't disrespectful towards my pop. The girls got me in trouble though. I was grounded for two weeks because my dad found out who I lost my virginity to, then I got grounded once because my one girlfriend thought she was pregnant…girls got me in trouble, not my mouth or anything. Most I ever did was smoke weed once when I was 16 and I got punched in the chest for coming home high. My pop was real against drugs since my mom was a druggie…you know how that goes."

"You smoked weed before?" The smile that comes across her face is beautiful but I can tell it's meant in a chastising fashion. "You're horrible!"

"You've never smoked?" I ask her. She shakes her head. "Never?" She shakes her head again. "Goodie Two Shoes."

"I don't think weed is THAT bad, really…but still." She keeps smiling. "So…why'd you get in trouble for losing your virginity? What was so horrible about it? Were you like…super young?"

"Fifteen."

"That's not that bad. I lost mine when I was seventeen." She tucks her hair behind her ear. "Who'd you lose yours to?"

"You tell me yours first." I have a feeling she's not going to be too pleased about who I lost mine to. I don't even want to tell her.

"My friend Kyle, I told you. He was real nice about it but then we tried to date after we did it and it didn't work. He was all about sex after we did it and I didn't want a relationship based on sex so I broke up with him. He got mad at me and he blabbed to all his friends about how I gagged when I gave him head and stuff…and he told all his friends that I was nasty and stuff… he said that I didn't take showers and I smelled bad…which wasn't true, obviously. The part about me gagging was kind of true because that was the first time I ever did that and I wasn't sure how to, but the other stuff about me smelling bad wasn't true. I've never had a problem with smelling bad between my legs…ever. That was so not true. And then he told everybody that I had an STD…it was a big mess. But whatever, you know?" She takes a sip of her drink. She doesn't have to tell me what a lie that was because I already know. I know firsthand that Jo's clean. She's the cleanest girl I've ever messed with, please believe that. I wouldn't have went down on her if she wasn't clean. She's so clean that she tasted like soap for a little while when I went down on her. I already know how clean she is. And I don't need to think twice about whether she ever had an STD. I'd bet my entire life savings that she never had anything like that. "How about you?"

"Lost mine to the school nurse when I was fifteen." I admit.

"THE NURSE?! ALEX!"

"…I'm not proud of that." I mumble. Again, here I go telling Jo things that I've never even told Lucy before. I haven't told anybody what really happened between me and the nurse before, except for pop. "It wasn't supposed to happen." Underneath the table, I twiddle my thumbs because this is kind of hard to talk about in a way. "It was weird. I kind of wanted to do it but at the same time, I didn't. Back when I was in school, the nurse gave physicals for sports…we had to get school physicals to make sure we were okay to play sports." She nods. "And part of the physical for us boys were to make sure everything was working right…you know, make sure the…boys dropped and all that." She nods again. "So I had to pull my pants down so she could check and stuff and her eyes got all big. By the way, I was pretty hung for a fifteen year old, lemme tell you…" She starts laughing. "But anyway, she asked me how old I was and I told her I was fifteen and she insisted that I wasn't. It got all weird because I could tell she wasn't doing the physical right, you know? She was extra touchy. And she started asking me personal questions…like if I had my first kiss and if I practiced safe sex and all that jazz. I basically told her to mind her business but she said it was all part of the physical because she needed to know if it was possible for me to have STDs or whatever. But I had gotten physicals before that and I knew that she was full of shit. She was real old but she was kind of hot, sort of…" I shrug my shoulders. "One question led to another and we did it on the exam table in the physical room." I just tell her the whole story.

Her face is so contorted. She looks like she just smelled the foulest smelling thing ever. Her eyes are narrowed, her eyebrows are twisted and her mouth is open a little bit. "…I'd fucking kill her." She shakes her head in clear disgust. "If I were your mother or your father even, I'd kick her ass so bad. Why the hell…" She keeps shaking her head. "That just made my fucking…." She shivers. "I'm so pissed off."

"For what?"

"…Alex, she took advantage of you. She freaking…she molested you. You were the child in the situation and she was the adult. No matter how you look at that, it was rape. I don't care if you were willing, it's still rape! And it sounds like you didn't even want it! She was probably some old bitch that hadn't gotten any in a while and needed to use a fifteen year old little boy to get off. How fucking low…" This is the most I've ever heard Jo swear before. "Ew, I'm disgusted. I'm disgusted…did you tell anyone?! Did you even…did you tell her no? Or whatever?"

"I mean…I just said that it was wrong. I told her that we probably shouldn't do it because it could be bad…but she told me that it'd be our secret, so I guess I didn't really say no. I told her I had to go back to class…she said she'd write me an excuse." I shrug.

"Did your dad do anything when he found out? Oh my god…" She looks genuinely upset about hearing this.

"He reported her and stuff. I wasn't even gonna tell him. I just came home crying though because I thought I was in trouble. I got home that day and my dad told me that he got a call from the school and before he even told me what it was about, I started crying. I thought I was dead…and he was looking at me like I was crazy so I just told him that I was sorry it happened and all that stuff. But turns out the call wasn't even about that. The call was about me having to go to Saturday school because I failed my math test. He grounded me for two weeks because I didn't want to tell him who it was but he let me off easy when he started telling me that it wasn't my fault." I shrug.

"Good. Bitch needed fired…ugh. Like what right? When a little boy is saying no, she just…ugh."

I clear my throat. "I didn't want to tell my dad about it because I didn't think that boys could get raped by girls. I thought that it would be a wimp move if I told that I had sex with a girl. So I wasn't gonna tell. I wanted to leave though because I knew that teachers and students couldn't do things like that, you know? I wasn't real stupid. I thought it was okay when I started to get up and leave but she started giving me head so I stayed. It was…good." I admit.

"..I have to go calm down." She slides out of her chair, shaking her head. "I'm literally…I'm disgusted." I hope I didn't make a mistake by telling her that. I don't think I did, but I think I might've….damn. "That wasn't your fault, Alex. Boys can to get raped by girls. You were little. She ought to be glad you're not my son. I'd….oh my god, I'd kill that woman!" She bawls her hands up into fists. "It's not your fault…she was the adult."

"I didn't know that then but I know that now, obviously." I mutter. I want to change the subject.


	28. What Now?

"So how about we agree that there's no fighting, no yelling, no going AWOL and no…breaking crap in this hotel." As the doors draw to a close, I adjust the grip I have on my bag of clothes and lean against the railing that goes around the perimeter of the elevator and glance up at the lighting on the ceiling of it. Just the lights look awfully expensive. They're circular with a golden frame and they're so bright that if I look at them for too long, my eyes begin to burn. We've stayed in some pretty nice hotels so far but this one is for sure the nicest one. The only negative thing about the hotel is that my ears ache really badly in here because they haven't popped since we got inside of Denver, which isn't really the hotel's fault so there's not really a negative about the hotel in all honesty. Being that Denver, Colorado is in the middle of a bunch of mountains and the elevation is all screwed up, I'm really not doing so well with being here. I have the nastiest headache, my ears are aching, my eyes feel strained and I'm a little bit dizzy. I just need to lie down. "This is nice, how about we don't almost get arrested here for a change." I still crack a joke with him because for some reason, I don't want him to know that I'm sick. I just don't want him to feel sorry for me. I'll probably be fine after I lie down for a little while because I'm certain that the altitude is just messing with me real bad.

We went from the flat plains of Kansas into the high Rocky Mountains of Colorado and my body is having a tough time adjusting to the change in altitude. I'll be fine when I get used to it but right now, I'm just not. There's a reason why they tell people with respiratory problems to be cautious while traveling through Denver and I can totally see why now. The air here is much, much thinner. I grab onto the railing of the elevator and squeeze it to deal with the headache that's pounding from behind my eye sockets. At my comments about us being civil at this hotel, Alex laughs. "Deal." The elevator doors open back up and Alex walks out before me. He stops when he gets out though, just to wait for me. I grab my bag tighter, reluctantly let go of the railing and unsteadily walk out through the doors. I haven't been this sick since I last had the flu as a teenager. "We'll behave in this hotel. I won't choke people and you won't steal my card and run away." When I catch up to him, he starts walking again. I slowly follow him down the hallway to our room.

He gets to the door first and slides the room key into the slot. The door beeps and I hear the lock on it unhinge. Alex turns the doorknob downwards and pushes the door open. From the corners of both my eyes, I see fuzzy white spots. It's like there are clouds in my vision as if I'm outside looking up at the sky. I know that's crazy because clouds can't be indoors. I close my eyes to hopefully calm myself down but when I shut my eyes, I still see the fuzzy clouds and I feel like my equilibrium is off. I feel like my head is being violently shaken from left to right even though I know it's still. I have such a bad case of vertigo right now, it's not even a joke. I'm so sick. I open my eyes so I can make my way into the room and I swear the entire room is spinning around in fast circles. I hold onto the wall and stop moving until I feel okay enough to. "Jo?" I hear Alex's voice but I closed my eyes again so I can't see him and my hearing is all fuzzy so I can't judge by how close his voice is to me. My hand leaves the wall and I clumsily stumble backwards because I'm so dizzy that I can't stand still anymore. "Whoa…whoa." I hear the clutter of something hit the ground and all of a sudden, I feel hands on my back, catching me before I hit the ground. "Are you okay?" I can't even fathom opening my eyes anymore. "Jo, are you okay?"

"…Yeah." I manage to choke out. I take a chance and open up my eyes. He's hovering over me with the most worried, scared look on his face. His arms are underneath my body to support my weight and he's supporting my head with his forearm. "I'm feeling really sick, okay?" I steady myself and pick myself up off his support. "I just want to lie down…" I put my hand against my forehead and start walking towards the room. He picks up my bag and his and loops his arm around mine, supporting me as I walk to make sure I don't topple over again. "I knew the change in elevation would mess with me but I didn't think it was going to be this bad." Our hotel room is again, the nicest room we've had so far. The bed is so high up off the ground that there's a stepstool to get in and out of it, the walls are painted a deep crimson color with gold trim around the baseboards, the curtains are crimson colored too and they're so thick that they keep all the light completely shut out in a way that it's hardly noticeable that it's daylight outside inside the room. A large flat screen TV is mounted against the wall just above a large dresser. Off the right of the door is a deep Jacuzzi tub with towels around the rim of it and the bathroom door is just beside it. Part of me wonders just how much he's paying to stay here. "Then there's you…man of steel." I stumble uneasily over to the bed and sit down.

"My ears popped but that's just about it." He shuts the door when the two of us are inside the room and he locks it with the room key. "I've travelled through Denver before so I'm sort of used to it. The first time is always the roughest." He walks over to me and puts his hands on the sides of my cheeks. His hands are big and stocky but they're pretty contradictory because when they touch my face, they're the softest and warmest things I've ever been touched with. "You should lie down for a little while. It's probably worse because you didn't go to sleep last night." He moves his hands from my cheeks down to my neck and he uses the tips of his fingers to massage right below my jaw. Miraculously, the massaging really starts to make my headache disappear. "This helps sometimes…that feel better?" I nod my head. "Yeah, you should lie down for a little while. I'll lie with you if you want."

"Please do. I don't think I'm gonna end up going to sleep if you don't." I gently move his hands away from my neck and stand up. My headache comes back the second he stops rubbing my neck. I put my hands at the edge of my shirt and lift it up over my head. I'm not hungry because we already ate about an hour ago back at the breakfast buffet thing. I don't need to take a shower right now because I'm not extremely dirty. I just need to lie down and take a nap with him. "Do you think it's wise for us to go to sleep right now? Because then we'll be up all night and we still have to drive tomorrow morning. Maybe we should just wait until later to go to sleep. We can just relax here in the room until it's decent enough for us to sleep." I throw my shirt down on the floor and move on to my pants. He starts taking his shirt off as well. I really thought that the fact that we had sex last night was going to make this entire trip awkward between the two of us but it really hasn't done anything at all. Honestly, if I go too long without thinking about it, I'll forget that we even had sex in the first place. It didn't change anything between us. Really, all it did was make us comfortable enough to undress in front of one another.

"Why do you act like we have to drive every day? We can stay at this hotel for more than one day if we need to. We can always rest up right now, stay up late tonight, rest tomorrow and start driving the day after tomorrow instead of tomorrow morning. Are you in some kind of rush to get to California? Because I'm not." He puts his shirt on the floor with mine and unbuttons his jeans. "Are you in a rush to get to California, Jo?" He takes his pants off. "Are you in some kind of rush to get rid of me? I know I'm boring but I thought you actually liked me for a second there." I crack a smile as I take my own pants off. "Didn't think you'd rush to get rid of me though." He slips his arms around my waist and squeezes me. "I like you…why don't you like me?"

"I just thought you'd want to drive every day to make this trip faster. Nowhere in this whole conversation did I say that I don't like you." I put my hands against his and lean my head back, resting it against his chest. I was going to take off my bra and put on a t-shirt to sleep in but I don't think I'm going to do that anymore. He's holding me around my waist and my bare skin is touching his bare skin and it feels like I've never been closer to him in my life. I don't want to stop feeling this way so when we lie down, I'm just going to leave my bra on and I'm going to lie with him skin-to-skin. "I like you a lot, actually. Is that hard to believe?" As soon as I finish that sentence, his lips meet the side of my cheek and I can't help but smile. I wish he was like this all the time. He's so amazing when he's nice to me. I think that's the reason why I always give him more chances than he deserves. He's rude to me sometimes and he treats me like I'm nothing about 75% of the time. But I constantly give him chances upon chances upon chances because I know that when he's nice, he's amazing. One thing about me is that I have a lot of patience and I'm being patient with him. I know he said he's trying and I genuinely believe that he is trying. I really do believe that he's trying his hardest to let me in.

I'm still gathering all the pieces to Alex and they're starting to fit, slowly but surely. I got a couple big pieces of him earlier this afternoon, when he told me that his mom was a drug addict and the way he lost his virginity. First and foremost, I had no idea that Miss Helen was into drugs. He said she's been clean for quite some time now, so I guess I wouldn't know that she was on drugs unless I was around for a while. But usually, drug addicts and ex-drug addicts are easy to see. But with Miss Helen, I couldn't even tell. Maybe I couldn't tell because I wasn't exactly looking. And secondly, I don't think I have to touch on how incredibly upset I was when I found out that he was sexually abused. I think the thing that upset me the most was how he didn't even see it that way. He saw it as "boys can't get raped by girls" and that really hit me hard when he said that. How could he possibly think that boys can't get raped? It really broke my heart that that happened to him when he was so little. The whole thing just made me want to hug him so tight and never let him go. Seriously, my heart broke for him. No child should have to go through that and just knowing that he did makes me really freaking sad. I can see how much it affected him too. Part of me just wants to hold him and the other part of me wants to slap him and make him realize that what happened to him was so wrong.

"…Alex?" I hate to break the silence but I really need to tell him something. I know me and him haven't really been around each other for that long; in fact, it's been less than a week. But I still feel like we're making some progress. The fact that we're able to stand here in each other's arms without saying anything just speaks volumes. I'm able to stand here while he's holding me and be completely comfortable and he's able to stand here with his arms around me and be completely content with holding me. We've come a long way for that matter. He mumbles "hmm?" and gives me another kiss in the crook of my neck. "You do know that…that wasn't your fault, right? What happened when you were fifteen..." I feel his hands tighten around my waist when I say that, so I can tell that I've struck a nerve. I know he didn't really want to talk about this anymore but still, he needs to hear me out. "It wasn't your fault and it was wrong."

"I know that, Jo." He says my name with a hint of annoyance in his voice. I stroke my hands along his while they rest on my waist just to let him know that I'm sorry for bringing it up again. "We're always talking about me though…we don't ever talk about you."

"We always talk about me."

"No we don't." He takes his hands from around my waist but he doesn't stop touching me. Instead, he puts his hands on my hips. "What about you? Something like that happened to you and you didn't tell me about it. You just swept it under the rug and I respected that. I didn't keep bringing it up for you to rehash it. I left it alone because I know you wanted me to leave it alone. Why can't you give me the same respect?" He starts rubbing my hips. "You're nosy, just a little bit."

"How'd you know about that? I never told you about that, how'd you even know?" I wrinkle my brow and turn my head so I can see him head on. "I never told you about that, Alex."

"Yeah you did. In the bathroom that night. When you came in while I was peeing. You told me, and I quote, 'It brought back scary memories'. What else could that have even meant, Jo? You did tell me. But you swept it under the rug and you basically just put it off so I didn't even mention it again. I knew you didn't want me to mention it so I didn't. Why don't I get the same respect? You just keep bringing it up and bringing it up. We're always talking about me and never about you. So spill."

"There's really nothing to spill." I mumble. I didn't realize I ever told him about that. It must've slipped out that night because that's not something I ever just freely throw out at people. Anyway, if what he's saying is true then he'll respect me enough to know that I don't want to talk about this right now. It's not that I don't trust Alex because I do. I swear I trust him with all my heart and like I said before, he's the best friend I've ever had. But I can't tell him about what happened to me in college without telling him that I've been struggling with depression ever since my mother died. I'm REALLY not ready to talk to him about the fact that I'm severely depressed so again, I'm sweeping this one under the rug. "I'll tell you about it eventually. Can we just drop it now? Sorry for constantly bringing yours up."

"I'm not letting you drop it, Jo. Tell me. You didn't let me drop it." He presses me. I roll my eyes and glare at him to let him know that I could punch him in his throat right now if he doesn't leave me alone. "How are we supposed to get anywhere if we don't tell each other anything?" He asks. I grunt and roll my eyes harder this time. I knew he was going to say some stupid stuff like that. I knew he was gonna pull that card. I just knew it. "If I put forth the effort to open up to you, I expect the same."

"It really wasn't anything." I contend, twisting my hair around my finger to deal with the fact that this isn't easy for me to talk about. "My mom died sophomore year of college and I was upset, so my friend Paige took me out to get drunk." I take a step towards the bed and turn so I can sit down on it. On a side note, I feel like I've gained some weight since this road trip. Probably because Alex feeds me at least three times a day whereas I'm used to eating maybe once a day. When I sit down, my stomach has one little roll in it. I'm getting pudgy. "This guy came in and bought me a drink and I don't remember anything else. All I remember is waking up in a bed next to Paige's boyfriend naked and he had a condom on. So I guess we had sex." I shrug my shoulders. "And when I took a shower I was all sore so I looked in the mirror and I had bruises all over my body and scratches and welts and stuff. So I think…I think he raped me but I'm still not sure. I never told anybody about it because…I mean, what if I wanted it? How can I report somebody for raping me if I don't even know if he did? How do I know I didn't want it if I don't even remember it?" I look down at the bed. "I tried to tell Paige but she just called me a whore…told me I was a liar…so I just didn't say anything else to nobody because if I couldn't get my best friend to believe me, who else would?"

"…So that's why you cried that night. You cried because you were scared…you didn't feel safe with me." He reasons aloud and when he says that, tears sting my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I purse my lips to toughen myself up a bit. "You didn't trust me."

"I trust you now, so it shouldn't even matter." I roll my eyes around not to be smart but to get rid of the tears in them once and for all. "I wasn't scared of you, Alex. It was just like..." I bite my lip. "It's been years since it's happened and my memory is still a bit fuzzy, but every now and again, I'll remember something else about that night. Something will trigger it. I'll…hear screaming on a scary movie and remember myself screaming. I'll hear a little kid crying on the street and flashback to me crying while he was on top of me. A…another guy will be on top of me and I'll remember feeling like I was suffocating because he was bigger…and I'll freak out. I'll get scared. So I cried because…it brought it back. I had a flashback…bits and pieces came together and for a second, I forgot that you were you. It scared me." I crack my knuckles and sigh. "That's why I cried."

"You're with me now." He walks over towards the bed and sits next to me. "You're with me now so none of that is ever gonna happen again. Nobody's gonna hurt you as long as I'm around." He tilts his head to the side and pecks me on my lips. "I won't let anybody hurt you…hear me?"

"I hear you." I won't lie, I'm shocked. Shocked because for the first time since I've ever talked about what happened to me, I feel like it's okay. I feel like it's in the past, this is the present and Alex is my future. He just makes everything okay with a few words. A few words from his mouth and I feel secure. How is it that he's able to do this to me? "We just have to look out for each other." I kiss him on his lips softly. I told him about it and I'm not embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed, I don't feel the need to cry. I feel good for once, wholesome even. Damn, I really hope he keeps this up. As good as he is now, he can be a thousand times worse. I hope this Alex lasts. I don't want the other Alex to ruin this.

"Yeah, we gotta look out for each other." He moves in to kiss me some more and I accept him by wrapping my arms around his neck. His lips touch mine and I part mine just slightly. It's amazing how this is the billionth time I've kissed him and the feeling is still the same. My stomach feels queasy and I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, every single time we kiss. You know those sparks you feel when you kiss someone? The sparks when I kiss Alex never go away it seems. Pulling him with me, I lie down with my back against the bed and kiss him deeply. As we kiss deeper and deeper, my phone starts buzzing on the pillow next to where we're lying. I ignore it because he puts his hand on my leg and starts rubbing it. My phone relentlessly keeps buzzing though. I guess maybe I should answer it because it could be important, considering the fact that I don't know very many people that could be calling me. I start to pull away from the kiss but he won't let me. "No…not yet." He mumbles.

"Just hold on." I pull away again and he lets me. I snatch my phone up off the pillow and answer it without even looking at the caller ID. I put it to my ear, steady myself from the fact that I was just intensely kissing my boyfriend and swallow. "Hello?" I say with my fake polite voice. The voice on the other end of the phone isn't one I recognize, but the woman asks to speak to '"Josephine Wilson", so she obviously knows me. "This is she." I say.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Yes…" Jo's voice is all sweet and pleasant as she's talking on the phone. I roll over and prop myself up on my elbows while I wait for her phone call to be over so I can kiss her some more. Since I can't resist touching her sometimes, I slide my hand all along her leg and rub her kneecap. "Okay…" Her face is stone so I can't read her emotions and I can't tell how she's feeling. She might be happy or she might be sad, I don't know. I slide my hand down to her foot and start rubbing her heel. "What? But I don't understand, because I didn't…" She definitely sounds surprised. I wish she'd hurry up so I can keep kissing her. "Oh my god, thank you….thank you…thank you SO much. Yes ma'am….no ma'am. No…Yes. Yes. Yes…thank you. Thank you. I didn't…thanks." She takes the phone away from her ear very slowly and now I can read her face. Her eyes are wide, her mouth is open and she looks like someone just told her that she has cancer.

"Who was that?" I ask her.

"….Harvard." Her voice is shaky. "…She called to tell me that…they received my payment in full, my spot is secure and they're looking forward to seeing me in the fall…is this some kind of sick joke?" She tucks her hair behind her ear. _What the hell…. _I feel my body turn cold. They called her? I didn't think they would! Oh my god, what am I going to do now? She knows! She wasn't supposed to know! She wasn't supposed to find out! "Alex, did you….did you pay my deposit?" Her eyes are so big and she looks pale as a ghost. She has no color in her face.

"…You're welcome." I just admit it. Damn, damn, DAMN. What the hell am I going to do?! How am I going to get her to stay now that she knows?! I run my hand through my hair and sigh. Her face literally tunes up. Her eyes close, her eyebrows twist, her nose wrinkles and the moan that comes out of her mouth is something that I would expect from a toddler, not a woman. She covers her face with her hands and puts her head down and she starts crying so hard that she's not breathing. "…I'm sorry?" I start out. She shakes her head. "Jo, I'm sorry…." She shakes her head some more.

Is she mad at me for it? Because I'm mad at myself right now. I could punch myself in the face right now. _Unless those are tears of joy… _Now what am I gonna do to get her to stay?

I don't know.


	29. Got This

"Jo…" I put my hand against her wrist and try to comfort her. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her. I honestly don't know what I expected her reaction to be but please believe me when I say that if I knew she would be this upset over me not telling her, I would've told her. I damn sure wasn't expecting Harvard to call her up. But they did. They called her, they told her that she's in, she knows I paid her deposit and now I've messed everything up. She's so upset that her entire body is shaking. Her hands are cupped over her face, her elbows are resting on her knees and she's crying so hard that she can't breathe for any longer than a minute. "Look Jo, I'm sorry…I thought…" Cutting me off from beginning to explain, she shakes her head at me for the third time. Why won't she let me explain? What have I done to her? To us? I thought I was making things better. I jumped the gun. Damn, I wish I had never paid that goddamned deposit. "Jo." I call her name again but still, she's shaking her head. She's crying loudly with her hands over her face and her body is trembling. "Jo, will you just let me freaking explain?!"

"There's nothing you need to explain…" She finally takes her hands away from her face and her eyes are so red and puffy that I hardly recognize her. The skin on her face is blotchy and beet red and she really looks like someone gave her a death sentence. "I didn't think I was gonna be able to go…" She sniffs and seemingly pulls herself together. "I thought I had to give up, that I had to…" She loses control and starts sobbing again. "Thank you so much, Alex…thank you." She hiccups and shakes her head at me some more. "I thought…I thought…" She's trying to talk but she's too hysterical to talk. _She's thanking me? So she's not mad? _"You have no idea what this means to me…" She sniffs and pulls herself together again. With the pads of her fingers, she wipes her eyes and starts fanning herself with her hands. "How'd you…do it?"

She thinks I did it to surprise her. She doesn't know that I did it and I regret it. She doesn't know that I did it because I wanted her to go away for good. I paid that deposit to ensure that she'd leave me alone for good because I didn't want to keep falling for her. She thinks I did this to surprise her. Little does she know I regret every second of it. Little does she know I wish that I had never done it in the first place. "I just called and said I needed to make a payment." Instead of looking at her, I look down at the quilt on the bed and try to wrap my mind around what just happened. Now I have to find another way to get her to stay and not leave me. I had every intention on pretending like I never even paid it. I was gonna act like it just didn't happen. Now she knows and since she knows, she's going to want to go and what if I can't stop her? I run my hands through my hair and sigh. I look back up at her and see that she's still trying to pull herself together. _Look how happy you made her though…she's so happy. _"…So now you have no excuse for not chasing the dream." I put on my best fake smile. She's so happy and really, that makes me happy. Seeing Jo happy makes me happy and if she's happy…maybe I can try to be happy for her.

"You can't forget our deal." She wipes her face off some more and her smile is so honest and so wide. I guess she doesn't have to know the real reason I paid her deposit. I mean, she's happy so I shouldn't spoil it. "You have to continue writing. You're not letting me give up…I'm not letting you." Her voice reminds me of how it used to sound, back when she was working for me. Her voice is sweet with a hint of playfulness. Still fake smiling, I nod my head and sigh. I can't look at Jo right now. I can't look at her knowing how happy she is and how screwed up the circumstances under I paid her deposit for are. This is all just a screwed up situation and I can't think. "Alex…this is great, isn't it?" She creeps up behind me on the bed and puts her arms around my chest. "I mean it's not great for me because now I'm stuck thinking of ways to make it up to you, which will probably take it the rest of my life to do it, but…" She puts her chin on my shoulder blade and squeezes me. "Now I can go be a doctor…and you can write more books…and this is all because of you." Her hands start rubbing my chest. "Why don't you look like this is great?"

I just feel like everything between us is a big lie. She still thinks I'm the best thing and she doesn't know that I'm the reason she's stuck with me. She's thanking me and she doesn't know the reason I initially paid her schooling off is because I wanted to get rid of her. Everything between me and Jo is just a lie. I don't want to keep lying. I want to start new. I don't want to keep building and building this relationship up when the entire foundation of it is just one big, fat lie. "Hey, Jo…" I swallow a lump in my throat that formed because I know that what I'm about to say to her is probably going to ruin all of this. I know what I'm about to say can really ruin all of this but it's Jo I'm talking to. It's not some random girl off the street and it's not Lucy I'm talking to. It's Jo. Jo deserves the world and more. And I made a promise to myself that I was going to treat her better and treating her better isn't lying to her. I put my hands around hers and turn my head to the side so I can kiss her on her lips. "There's some stuff we need to talk about."

"…Oh god." Her entire expression just changes. "You didn't really pay them, did you?" She takes her arms from around me and sits down on the bed with her legs crossed. "They made a mistake…" I turn around so I'm not facing away from her anymore and when I face her head on, I can tell that she's pretty much crushed. She's looking down at the bed, her hair's fallen in front of her face and she's holding her elbow like she just lost her best friend. She looks absolutely distraught. Part of me is telling myself to forget about even saying anything. Part of me is telling myself to just make the most of these next days we have together and take all the lies to the grave. The bigger part of me knows that I need to tell her though.

"No, I paid it…it's all paid for, you don't have to worry about any of that." I run my hands through my hair again and look at her. "It's not that. I paid Harvard…" I mumble. Her expression is clearly lighter after I told her that I paid Harvard for her but she still looks a bit worried. I have a feeling that this is going to be ruined between the two of us but I really don't think I'd like myself if I kept lying to Jo. "If we're gonna make this work…" I put my tongue in my cheek and clear my throat. _Just do it already. Just do it Alex. _"If we're gonna make this work, we can't lie. There can't be any lies between us if we're gonna make this work and I think you know that." She tucks her hair behind her ear and nods her head. "So um…" I look away from her because I don't think I'm going to be able to look at her while I tell her that this is all my fault. "You know I'm…Michael Evans." I start. I don't think I ever really told her that I'm Michael Evans but it's clear to me that she knows. I know she knows. She nods her head and puts her hand on my kneecap. "And you know about that book…I tried to write, right?" She nods again. "The whole…store burning down, your house burning down, you being trapped with me…it's all my fault." She raises her eyebrows when I admit that. "The people in Sioux City got mad because I tried to write it. And they…rioted…burned down the store…your house. I'm the reason you're here right now, Jo. I'm the reason we had to leave. I went into your house to get you because it was my fault. I couldn't let you die in there when it was my fault in the first place. It's all my fault, Jo. I'm the bad guy here. Me."

"…I wish you'd stop doing that." She's looking at me with the straightest face I've ever seen anybody have. She'd be a hell of a poker player with a face like that. I narrow my eyes, asking her "doing what?" with my expression. Me and Jo have some kind of special connection with each other I think. I can read her looks like a book and I know exactly what she's asking me and she reads my looks just the same. We just connect that way. She's my best friend on this entire planet. Now I know people don't usually have sex with their best friends or find their best friends to be beautiful or whatever, but I mean it. Jo's the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's amazing that my best friend just so happens to be my girlfriend and it'd be even more amazing if my best friend turned out to be my wife someday. "That whole…'I'm a horrible person' thing. Alex, no you're not. Stop thinking that way." She props herself up on her knees and slides over towards me. Since I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, she comes up from behind my back and puts her legs around my waist. "I figured." She rests her head in the middle of my back and rubs my stomach. "You treat me like I'm stupid Alex… stores don't just randomly burn down at one in the morning…and guys don't randomly up and leave the state at one in the morning either. I figured something was up." Her hands trace my abs with loving tenderness. "I just knew that you'd tell me when you were ready to tell me so I wasn't going to force it." _She's too smart for me. She's friggin' brilliant. _"I didn't know you had lynch mobs after you, but… I kinda figured you had something to do with everything burning down."

"You're way too smart for me." Again, I put my hands against hers and stroke her arms. "Every time I think I'm a step ahead of you, you make me feel like an idiot when you reveal that you're actually five steps ahead of me. You're so smart." Her chest vibrates against my back as she laughs and the pleasant sound of her laughter fills the room. I won't lie; I feel much better after telling her this. The fact that she already knew didn't exactly defeat the purpose or anything because I still feel better that I was the one that admitted it to her in the first place. I just feel better after telling her and I feel even greater with the fat that she's not mad at me for it. Every day, this girl gives me more and more of a reason to believe that she's the one. I'm just gonna stop worrying about Massachusetts. I don't know what we're going to do once we get to California and I don't know what's going to happen between us but I'm just not going to think about it. Also, I'm gonna tackle one lie at a time. I told her about me being the reason the house burned down and I'll tell her tomorrow about the real reason I paid her deposit…maybe. I just want to be happy here with her. That's all. So I'm just done thinking about the things that won't make us happy. Matter of a fact, I have something to ask her… "Jo?" I call her name. She tightens her grip around my body to let me know she hears me. "…You wanna be my girl?" Her grip loosens again. I haven't asked a girl to be my girlfriend in FOREVER. "My girlfriend, I mean. Will you be my girl?" I ask her again.

Very low, she starts laughing. _Why is she laughing? _Her laughter gets louder and louder by the moment until it's finally boisterous and so hard that she stops breathing. _What's funny? I just asked her to be my girlfriend… _Her arms fall from around me and she flops back, flat on the bed. When I turn my head to look at her, she's lying flat on the bed with her hands clutched over her stomach and she's laughing HARD. _See, I knew it. I knew she'd turn out like Lucy. I freaking knew it. _I get up off the bed and grab my shirt and my pants. I gotta get out of this room before I break something or better yet, break her face. I KNEW it. That's what I get for being WEAK. I told you, love is weakness. Love is for people that want to lose. I start putting my pants on. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she LAUGHS at me. I freaking knew it. She swore she wasn't like Lucy. She swore… I put my shirt on too. "Alex…" She calls my name through her hysterics. "Alex…" I ignore her and go towards the door and all of a sudden, her laughing just stops. "ALEX!" She screams my name with seriousness. "STOP!"

"I'm leaving…I'm not staying here. Screw this." I grab the door handle. "Better yet, screw you." She springs up off the bed and runs over to me. "Get away, Jo."

"Why?" She puts her hand on top of mine. "Alex, stop it…" She still has a giddy little look on her face and I could easily slap it off. "What's the matter, baby?" _Now she's calling me baby? _

"If you don't want to be my girlfriend, just say so. Don't laugh in my face."

She cracks a smile and starts to laugh again. _WHAT IS SO FUNNY?! What's funny about me wanting her to be my girlfriend? _"I never said I didn't want to be your girlfriend." She smirks. "I just thought it was funny…" She explains. I narrow my eyes and she gets what I'm saying. "I thought it was funny that you thought to ask me. I just…I kinda thought… I kinda thought I already was. We kiss all the time, we have sex, we flirt, we sleep together, you loan me money…I thought I already was your girlfriend. If I wasn't, then what the hell was I? Just a girl? I thought it was funny that you asked when I already assumed that we were…boyfriend and girlfriend. That's why I laughed. It wasn't because I don't want to be your girlfriend."

"…Oh." I take my hand off the door handle and sigh. _Well needless to say, I feel stupid. _"Well I asked you…you gotta answer me now." I take a step away from the door and she follows me.

"Of course. I don't even know why you asked. You should've already knew the answer." She stands in front of me with the prettiest smile on her face. Her eyes are squinted while she smiles and her teeth are so white and perfectly aligned. "Can we kiss now?" I noticed that her eyes were fixated on my lips but I just brushed it off. I raise my eyebrow up at her and my lips curve up into a smile. _She's my girlfriend. Jo's my girlfriend! The greatest girl in the friggin world…is my girlfriend. _Like she always does when she kisses me, she puts her arms around my neck and holds my head still as if she doesn't ever want to stop kissing me. She's my girlfriend now, so I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze her. I never want to let her go. She puts her lips against mine and holds my head still and even though I want to be forceful and kiss her so hard that there's no other choice but to take her to the bed, I don't. I kiss her softly, the sole purpose to seal the deal that she is my girlfriend.

"…So." I pull away from the kiss but I don't let her go. I keep her tight and close to my body. "When do you want to go on our date?"

"Some other time when my head isn't hurting." She takes her arms from around my neck and stands flat on her feet. "I was thinking that we could try out the hot tub though… what do you think?"

"I think you might be on to something." I kiss her cheek and finally let her go. I didn't want to but I felt like it was time to. I honestly wouldn't mind holding Jo in my arms for hours on end. I know she's safe when she's in my arms and I don't have to worry about her. I love holding her. She walks back over towards the bed and I just watch her. Everything she does, I'm amazed by. She's only officially been my girlfriend for like five minutes and I already know how lucky I am. I'm so lucky that of all people in this world, she chose me to be her boyfriend. Jo's amazing. She starts taking off her bra and still, I just watch her. I've already decided where I'm taking her on a date. I'm gonna take her somewhere around Denver to eat an early dinner or late lunch, and after that, I saw this amusement park on our way into Denver. She walks nakedly over to the hot tub and starts it.

I'm not real good with romance and emotions and stuff so admittedly, I'm a little apprehensive about whether or not I'm going to make Jo happy with me. I do, however, write good romance books if I do say so myself. Maybe if I treat Jo like one of the girls in my love stories, I'll be alright. I don't know what I'm gonna do or what's gonna happen when it's time for us to go our separate ways. Maybe I'll go to Boston with her, maybe she'll stay in California with me. Or maybe she'll go to Boston and I'll stay in California. I don't know what's going to happen yet. All I know is that I've got another week left with her and I'm going to make it count. And hopefully by the end of this trip, my mind will be made up as to whether I'm staying, going with her or if she's staying. But right now I don't know and I'm done worrying about it. I'm just gonna play it by ear.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"You do, though. You have the worst attitude about yourself." Underneath the water, I start playing with his leg hair. I'm sitting between his legs and lying back against his chest and his arms are around my waist. "You keep trying to convince me that you're some horrible person but you're not. Just because a bunch of buttholes get together one night and decide to go burn down somebody else's property doesn't mean you're a bad person. That's not your fault." If you were talking to me about a week ago, I'd probably be one of the people that thinks Alex is a crappy human being. But I don't anymore. All the people that dislike Alex…they don't know him like I know him. They don't know what a beautiful person he is. He's a little rough around the edges but once you break through his shell, he's worth knowing. He's gone through a lot of tough stuff in his lifetime, that's why he's so hardened. If anybody knew Alex the way I know him, they wouldn't think he's awful. They'd know very well how amazing he truly is. "You think everything is your fault. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're the victim? You don't have to be the cause of everything…"

"I don't want to talk about me anymore, Jo." He starts rubbing my arms. "Let's talk about our date tomorrow…" He kisses my cheek and keeps rubbing my arms. "What are you gonna wear?"

"I don't know." I close my eyes and take the moment to relax. For the last hour, I've been trying to think of ways to make it up to him. He paid for me to go to Harvard. HARVARD. He paid my deposit so I can go. How do I make it up to him? How do I give back to him when he's given me everything? I gave up on going. I had it set in my brain that Harvard wasn't an option for me anymore and I resigned myself to the fact that once we get to California, I'm going to look into getting into UCLA. But an hour ago, my life changed. An hour ago, the admissions lady called me and told me that they received my payment and they look forward to seeing me this fall. He paid for me to chase my dream. How do I give back to him when he's given me EVERYTHING? He knows what Harvard means to me. I'm honestly still not over it. I'm going to Harvard! "…Alex." I love the way his name rolls off my tongue. "Thanks again. I don't…know how I'll ever repay you, but I will… I swear I will."

"No talking about Harvard either." He mumbles as he nuzzles his face in the crook of my neck and plants a kiss below my earlobe. I reach back and move my hair away from him so he doesn't get any of it in his mouth while he kisses my neck. "No talking about houses burning, medical school, books being written or being a bad person. None of that…okay?" Against my neck, I feel his lips open up and his tongue pokes me. I close my eyes just as he starts to suck on my neck. "Let's just talk about you and me…"

I bite my lip as he moves his lips to the sweet spot on my neck. "Okay…" I know he said he doesn't want to keep talking about Harvard but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm going to Harvard! Freaking Harvard! He paid for me to go to Harvard. When we get to California, I'm on the next freaking plane to Massachusetts and I'm going to Harvard Medical School. _Wait…. _Something just hit me. I'M going to Harvard. I'm going to Boston, Massachusetts. But Alex…he has a life waiting for him in California. Does that mean? That doesn't mean… "Alex… I know you said…" He keeps sucking on my neck but his hands move from around my waist to between my legs. One of his hands parts my legs and the other slides deep between my legs. "That you don't want to…" I can't keep talking while he's playing with me like this.

"I don't want to what?" He stops kissing my neck for the moment so he can talk but he goes right back to it. His thumb brushes over my clit and I tilt my head back to deal with it. I know he doesn't want to talk about it and I know we're kind of in the middle of something sexual right now but I really need to know. If I don't get this off of my mind, it's going to mess with me and it's going to prevent me from having a good time if this escalates into full-blown sex. I just need to get this off my mind. So I reach down with my hand and stop him before he can even stick his fingers inside of me. "…What? Did I hurt you or something?" He stops himself and he sounds worried. I love how Alex is always so worried about me. I find it so incredibly sweet because he doesn't seem like he's the kind of guy that really gives a crap about how girls feel too often. I must be special for him to constantly check up on me like that.

"No…." I bite my lip. "I was just thinking…. I'm going to Harvard and you're going to California. Does that mean…that I'll never see you again after this?" I turn and look him in his eye but he looks away. I wrinkle my brow because there must be a reason as to why he can't look me in the eye. "Because that'd be real messed up… I don't want to never see you again." He's my boyfriend for crying out loud. We made it official today. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. If..if me going to Harvard means that I can't be with him then I don't want it. He's my boyfriend, my BEST friend. I don't want it. I….Harvard is my DREAM but if me going across country to pursue my dream means that I can't have him…the person I THINK I might actually love…I don't want it. "Alex, look at me." I demand. He still won't look at me. "Alex…"

"…I haven't figured that out yet." He mumbles and my heart feels like it's breaking. I'm going to cry. What if this is what we're meant to be? What if Alex is my soulmate? What if he's meant to be my husband, the father of my children? I can't just go across the country without him. I can't do it. I won't do it. "We'll figure it out, Jo." I blink my eyes and tears stream down. "Don't cry, Jo…don't. We'll figure this all out, I promise. Okay? We'll figure this out. We got this."

"…We do?" I sniff and wipe my eyes free of the little bit of tears that fell. "We got this?"

"Yeah, we do."


	30. Fate

I hurriedly rummage through the tiny little makeup bag I have. The makeup bag is small, no bigger than a wallet and yet, I'm still having difficulty finding my eyeliner. He told me to be ready in an hour and I think I'm well past an hour. I showered first and washed my hair because it was starting to get nasty and greasy and the shower took about twenty or so minutes. My hair was wet and if I let it air-dry, it'll get all poofy and frizzy. Any other day, my natural hair would suffice but today, I refuse to walk around with unruly, wavy hair. So I had to straighten my hair and that took another half hour. Usually it'd take me about an hour to straighten my hair so since I'm running on time constraints, I'm going to do something to take away from the fact that it's messy, once I find my eyeliner of course. Either way it goes, Alex told me to be ready in an hour and I'm well over that hour. I can't help that I'm taking long though. I just want to be perfect for him. "Yes!" I whisper to myself in silent celebration because I found my eyeliner. I pop the cap off the top of it, lean forward and pull my eyelid down. _Whatever, Alex should know that women have no time limit as to how long it takes for them to get ready. _I take my hands away from my face and make sure my eyeliner is okay. It looks good.

I put the eyeliner back and zip my makeup bag up. I grab my brush and start combing through my hair with it. I comb all of my hair over to the left side of my head. I separate it into three chunks and start weaving a braid into it, since it's not straight enough to wear it out. I don't know where he's taking me but it must be somewhere with walking involved because I had every intention on wearing a dress and small heels. I showed him the outfit I had planned last night before we went to bed and he told me that it was nice but I shouldn't wear it. I found the dress in the bag of clothes his sister gave me. It was a little purple sundress with white lace trim and I had a pair of white mini heels that would've matched it. Since he said I shouldn't wear it, I found a skirt in the bag of clothes Amber gave to me. It's plain black and it's kind of short so I'll probably spend the entire night pulling it down but it's nice and it makes my butt look good so I'm just gonna wear it. The shirt I picked out to wear with the skirt is a long-sleeved, pink button-up with black and white plaid stripes on it. The undershirt I chose to wear is black as well. I would rather have worn the dress but if he says that it's not a good idea to wear a dress then I won't wear a dress. After all, he knows where he's taking me and I haven't the slightest clue.

From the corner of my eye, I see the doorknob turn and the bathroom door starts to open up. "Jo, we're gonna be—" He starts talking to me as the door opens so I drop everything I'm doing and push the door closed. I don't want him to see me yet. Alex sees me at all times. He sees me when I'm just waking up, he sees me when I'm going to bed. He sees me when I'm dirty, he sees me when I'm getting out of the shower. The only time he hasn't seen me just yet is when I'm dolled up and look, I already know that I'm really not that pretty but still. I want to surprise him as best as I can. "Come on Jo. Our reservations are 3:00 and it's almost 2:30." He talks to me through the closed doors. I can't deny the fact that I'm nervous. I feel like I might puke at the thought of being alone with him. I know me and Alex have been alone together a bunch of times before but this time, we're going to be alone together on a date. I've never even been on a date before let alone on a date with somebody I really like. I'm nervous to actually be on a date with Alex. What do people do on dates? How am I supposed to act?

I know a couple things are for sure. I shouldn't talk about how my house burned down and I shouldn't talk about him writing books. I shouldn't talk about Harvard and I shouldn't talk about what's going to happen once we get to California. Me and Alex haven't talked about any of that since yesterday. I did some sleeping on it last night and I realized just how crappy this situation is. I've been beating myself up for not even thinking about what's going to happen once we get to California. I think the reason why I wasn't even thinking about what's going to happen once we get to California is because up until yesterday, I didn't have to think about it. I had totally given up on going to Harvard. I know Alex would always tell me not to give up on my dream and all that stuff but I knew that there was no possible way that I could've gone to Harvard. I'm not naïve and I'm not living in a fantasy world. I knew damn well there was no way I could make $5,000 in two months going back to Massachusetts. So for that reason, I had totally given up on even going to Massachusetts. I didn't have to think about never seeing Alex again because I WASN'T GOING TO HARVARD up until yesterday. Up until yesterday, I was going to make a life for myself in California, where he is. But now…now I have this decision. Now I actually have the opportunity to go to Harvard. I actually have the means to GO. So now I'm forced to think about what this means for me and Alex.

Do I choose to follow my dream? Or do I choose to pursue a relationship with someone I still really don't even know? It's like choosing between some_one _I love and some_thing _I love. But I don't even know if I really love Alex. I like I'm a lot, sure. I like him a lot, I can't imagine where I'd be without him, I don't want to even think about losing him, he makes me happy…but love him? I don't know about that. I don't know if I love him. I don't know if I love him already or if I'm just falling in love with him. I don't know. What I DO know is that ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a doctor. I used to perform "surgeries" on freaking crickets and grasshoppers in the backyard. I thought watching Discovery Health Channel was cool, not gross. I liked the sight of blood and gore and thinking about how to fix such goriness fascinated me. Ever since I was little, all I wanted to do was fix people. I can learn to fix people at a med school in California, sure. But Harvard's medical program is amazing. I can graduate from Harvard and have my choice of ANY internship at ANY hospital in the country. I can do whatever I want with a degree from Harvard. Alex or Harvard?

I wouldn't ask him to leave his life in California for me. I don't know what he has in California but I do know that there has to be a reason as to why he chose it. He has a house in California and I assume he has more than just that because he's so dead set on going. He has a life waiting for him out there in California. What kind of person would I be to ask him—beg him—to drop his life in California and come with me to Massachusetts, a place he doesn't even know? I'd ask him to sell his house and buy a new one in Massachusetts, just so he can be with me. Who am I to ask him to do that for me? I'm not his wife and I'm not his family. I'm just his girlfriend…his girlfriend that he's known for six months and just started to like for a little over a week? What balls I'd have to have to ask him to do that for me. So maybe I should just stay in California. I really don't want to give up Harvard but what other choice do I have? I can't ask Alex to give up California for me. I can't ask him to do that, not after he just paid for me to go. I owe him my life and I would never ask him to do something like that. So maybe I can just stay with him.

I want to go to Harvard so badly though. If I go to Harvard, I'm going for something sure. I'm sure that I'll make a life for myself in Massachusetts, I'm sure that I'll become the doctor I always wanted to be. If I go to Harvard, it's a sure thing. But if I stay in California, it's not a sure thing. Who's to say me and Alex will last? What if I give up Harvard to stay in California with him and he ends up being a jerk that dumps me? Then I would've given up my dream for a man that crapped all over me. I'd be stuck in California full of regret because I chose a man over my career. I don't know, I think I'm being naïve again. Like I said before, I'm a strong believer in fate. I don't believe in fairytales and I don't know if I identify with a religion, but I do believe in fate. And I believe that everyone is meant for someone and fate only takes you but so far until you have to make things happen for yourself. What if Alex is my…fate? What if he's the man I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life? What if he's the one that fate or God or whatever picked out for me? The one that's going to father my children, marry me, be with me for the rest of my life. What if that's the reason my house burned down? The reason he came back to get me? The reason I'm traveling across the freaking country with him? What if this is all fate and I'm gonna miss my chance if I leave him and go to Massachusetts? I don't love him, but what if I learn to? Eventually, what if I do fall in love with him? Then what?

The only thing that's not making much sense to me is the fact that he paid it. When exactly did he pay it? Because if he knew that…I mean, if he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend from the start, why would he pay for me to go back across the country? I'm his girlfriend now. I'm his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend and we're in a relationship…and he paid to send me across the country. Was he trying to get rid of me when he paid it? Did he pay it when back when we hated each other? Because I can't see Alex paying for me to go across the damn country when we feel strongly about each other. Even if he…loved me enough to send me to Harvard, I don't see him actually sending me. Alex is so broken and he has so many abandonment issues that I don't think he would ever make a way for me to leave him. So he must've done it to spite me. He must have done it to get rid of me. That's the only other explanation I can think of right now.

Whatever, I'm done thinking about this. I don't have to think about this right now because leaving him or staying with him isn't a decision I have to make right now. I have until August to make that decision and it's not even July yet. It's almost July but it's not July yet. I don't have to decide until the end of August whether I'm going to get on a plane and go to Harvard so instead of worrying myself to death about this decision, I'm just going to enjoy the time I have with him. And tonight, I'm going on a date with him. Tonight, I refuse to think about Harvard, Massachusetts, California and making a choice. Tonight is all about me and my boyfriend and tonight, I'm going to be happy. No decision making tonight. I'm not going to worry until I have a reason to worry.

I take a step back and look at myself in the mirror. My makeup looks really good and my hair is falling perfectly. I think I'm ready to go now. After making him wait an ungodly amount of time, we can leave now. I turn out the bathroom light and walk over to the door. Before I open it, I look at myself in the body mirror. I think I look comfortable, casual, yet classy for a date. The skirt really brings out the tone of the skin on my legs. The long sleeved shirt I'm wearing goes nicely with the skirt as well and the black flip flops tie it all together. Like I said, I wish I was able to wear a dress but I don't want to be uncomfortable on our date. I sweep my bangs behind my ear and open up the bathroom door. I'm still nervous to be going on a date with him but…

_Here goes nothing._

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I look down at the time on my cell phone to see how late we are. It's 2:35. The restaurant I'm taking her to is only about ten minutes down the street for our hotel but still. I made reservations for 3:00 and it's only common courtesy that we show up at least ten minutes early for our reservations. I shove my phone back into my pocket and sit down on the bed to wait for her. Reservations for dinner are at 3:00 and I anticipate that it'll take us about an hour and a half, maybe two hours to eat. So we'll probably get out of the restaurant at about 5:00 or so. The amusement park is half an hour away so we'll get there around 5:30 or 6:00. I checked online to see what time the amusement park closes and it closes at 11:00. So we'll have enough time to do everything we need to do. After we get home from the amusement park, I think we can spend a couple hours in the hot tub and then we can go to bed in time to wake up early enough to travel tomorrow morning. I think we need to spend time in the hot tub because we spent an hour in it yesterday and we did nothing. We sat there and cuddled and that was it. So after a long day of our date, I think some good sex will be in order.

I'm trying not to think about what happened yesterday but it's hard not to. I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen once we get to California. I'm not afraid to admit it anymore, I love Jo. The love is there. I love her, I worry about her, when she's not around, I think about her and I pray for her…more than I pray for myself. I'm always thinking about her before I think about myself. I want her to be happy more than I want myself to be happy. I love Jo. I love her unconditionally, endlessly…hard. I love her. I honestly don't think that she loves me but that's okay. See, that's the thing about love. When you love someone, you don't care whether they love you back. It doesn't matter if they love you back because you love them. I haven't known her for very long but I don't think that matters. I fell in love with her and there's no going back. For me, I fall hard. I fall in love quickly and I fall in love hard and that's probably why I end up getting hurt so much. But I fell hard and I fell quickly for Jo. I wasn't sure if I loved her at first but she sealed the deal yesterday. Yesterday, when I told her about me being the reason everything burned and she didn't care, I thought that I loved her but I wasn't sure. Then when I asked her to be my girl and she laughed at me because she thought she already was my girl, that sealed the deal. That made me realize that I actually do love the girl. I won't tell her to her face that I love her because the last thing I want to do is scare her away. And because she doesn't love me yet, I don't want to do anything that'll endanger the possibility to her ever loving me. So I'll keep it to myself but I love her and I don't want her to leave me. I love her and now…I don't know how to tell her that I don't want her to go to Massachusetts.

While I'm looking down at the carpet on the floor, I hear the bathroom door creak open. I look up to see her when the door opens but she's not there. The door is just open and she's nowhere to be seen. I watch the bathroom light flicker on then back off and that's when she walks through the door. _Is she serious? _My eyes widen and I was just steadily breathing a second ago but now, my breath catches in my throat. _She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. _She has on this black miniskirt that shows off her amazing, smooth, long, gorgeous legs. Her shirt is long-sleeved but it's unbuttoned and she has on a tank top underneath of it. Screw her body though. Her body is perfect, please believe me it is. But screw her body, her face is breathtaking. Every time I think I understand how beautiful she is, I'm taken aback by her. If there's a world more powerful than beautiful, Jo is it. I can't even breathe, she takes my breath away. Everything about her is just…amazing. I'm seriously in awe of her beauty. Sometimes I don't think she's real. I blink my eyes twice and they start to burn a little because up until just now, I didn't realize that I stopped blinking to look at her. "Are you…uh…" I stumble around my words because again, I'm still just looking at how beautiful my girlfriend is. "Ready?"

"Mhm." She nods her head and picks her cell phone up off the dresser. "I hope this restaurant is good, I'm starving." She walks over towards me and tucks her hands in the pockets of her shirt. "Do I look okay for where we're going?"

"You look beautiful." I stand up off the bed and hold my hand out for her to hold it. She slides her hand inside mine and I squeeze hers tight so she knows that I don't intend on letting her go. Her hands are so tiny, ladylike and petite. Her fingernails are long and they're very neatly trimmed and clean. "I'm hungry too, let's get going." I let go of her hand momentarily so I can open up the door and I hold it for her. She walks through it first and I shut and lock it behind the two of us. I hold onto her hand again and we start walking up the hallway but when she starts falling behind, I stop for a moment so she can catch up. I refuse to let Jo walk behind me. Walking behind a man just symbolizes that he's above and more important than the lady but that's not the case with me and Jo. I'm not above Jo and she's not below me so she will NEVER walk behind me. She'll walk side-by-side, next to me because we are equal. "Don't walk behind me, okay?" I squeeze her hand again and lean down to whisper that to her.

"Okay." She agrees and brings her other arm across her body to hold onto the arm of the hand that's holding hers. She rests her head on my arm as we walk and I turn my head to kiss the top of her head. Jo really does mean a lot to me. I hope she has a nice time tonight because she deserves it. I don't really know if what I have planned is enough to appease her but I really hope she has a nice time. Next time I take her on a date, I'll make it better than dinner and an amusement park. She deserves the world and I can give it to her if she'll let me. But dinner and an amusement park is all I have planned for tonight so still and yet, I hope she has fun with what I have planned.

**X X X **

"Get whatever you want… don't worry about how much it costs." I tell her. The restaurant is everything I thought it would be and it's nice enough for Jo. I was worried about how nice it was going to be. We rode past it on our way into Denver and I thought it was nice on the outside but I had no idea what it would be like on the inside. I'm pleasantly surprised with it. It's a Japanese steakhouse so everything decorating it is Japanese-style. There are waterfalls on every wall, statues of dragons and Japanese scriptures are on the walls and the lights above our table are designed to look like cherry blossom trees. I wanted to have a nice dinner in a nice place with my girlfriend and I think it's nice enough for her. I'm happy with how this turned out. When I see what I want on the menu, I close it up and lean forward to take a sip of the Mountain Dew I ordered. Jo's sitting across the table from me, working on a salad that the waitress brought out to us. I'm not a huge fan of salad so I'm not eating it but I did eat the soup that was given to us. "You know what you're getting?" I ask her.

She chews her salad so etiquette that she seems as if she stepped out of a princess movie. She puts her fork down softly, wipes her lips with her napkin and swallows. "I saw something with chicken, steak and shrimp that I want to get. I don't know much about sushi so I'm just gonna stick to what I know." She grabs the cup of iced tea she ordered and drinks some of it through the straw. "What about you? What are you going to eat?"

"I was actually going to get the same." I say. I gather up both of our menus and put them at the edge of the table so it's easier for the waitress to grab them when she comes back to take our order. "That's a lot of food though Jo, you sure you'll be able to eat all of that?" When she's done with her salad, she pushes the plate away from herself, towards the middle of the table. I put my empty soup bowl on top of her plate and put the dishes towards the edge of the table as well. "That's chicken, shrimp, steak and fried rice…that's a lot of food for you."

"Oh don't worry about me." She takes another sip of her drink and starts cleaning her fork off from the salad dressing with her napkin. "Don't you worry about me…I can eat. I can eat, eat, eat… I know how to put food away." She finishes cleaning her fork and looks at me. She's the size of a toothpick how in the world can she eat as much as she claims she can. "What?" She questions the way I'm looking at her with a smile. Her smile is something I wouldn't have a problem with seeing every morning when I open my eyes. "I can eat a lot." She nods her head. "I can eat an entire large pizza by myself with no shame, I can eat a block of cream cheese with nothing but a spoon, I dusted off a two liter of Sierra Mist in one siting. I can eat, Alex…don't worry about me."

"Then why're you so skinny?" I narrow my eyes at her and lift my head up.

"Because I'm broke. I like to eat but my money situation doesn't always allow me to eat as much as I want to. I also know how to make a Subway footlong last for three days." She winks at me with playfulness but in all honesty, I don't find anything funny about her being too broke to eat at times. Well as long as she's with me, she'll be fed no matter what. "So…" She clasps her hands together and the tone of her voice is lighter. "The last time you took a girl on a date, where'd you take her? Because I want to know what I'm getting myself into with you."

"I don't take girls on dates." I swirl my straw around in my cup and find solitude in listening to the ice cubes clinking off the glass. "I took Lucy on a date once and that was when we first got together. After that, there wasn't very many more dates. And I took her to dinner and a movie that she complained about." I stop swishing my straw around and sigh. It's a shame how well I know Jo. I know that she's wondering why Lucy complained about the movie. I can tell that just by looking at her facial expression. "She wanted to go see a chick flick so I went ahead and took her to go see a chick flick. But I didn't enjoy myself. She was all pissy because I wouldn't laugh when something was funny or I didn't get into it the way she did. She said I was being boring but I didn't even want to go see the movie in the first place." I explain to her.

She rolls her eyes, shakes her head and looks down at the table. "Well I don't like chick flicks, so...that's a plus." She pretends to be reading the fortunes from fortune cookies in the table. The table is made of glass and underneath the glass are papers with fortunes on them from fortune cookies. I know she's only pretending to read though because it's not light enough for her to actually read them. When she picks her head back up, her eyes go across the room and I follow them but I can't tell what she's looking at. When her eyes come back to our table, her face is just a bit red and her entire demeanor is just…irate. "You would think our waitress would've been back already." She rolls her eyes again and puts her hand up by her face.

"What's…wrong with you?" I ask, skeptically. Ii don't know if I should be asking her what her issue is because maybe she doesn't have an issue but I know Jo and I'm pretty sure that she's having an issue with something. She glances over to where she was looking at before and her eyes get so wide. I watch her bite down on her lip and her nostrils flare. All of a sudden, my ladylike, polite little Jo is just gone. "Jo, what's going on?" Her arms are shaking and she keeps smoothing her hair back, away from her face. I can hear her taking deep breaths too. "Jo?" I won't lie though. The way she's acting is kind of hot. She's hot when she's pissed.

"I swear to god Alex, if she doesn't stop staring…" She starts smiling but I know that she's not smiling because she's happy or amused, she's smiling because she's pissed off. "Talk to me, okay? Do something that'll distract me from going over there because I swear on my life if she doesn't stop staring at you, I'm gonna get up and slit her throat with a spoon." She takes breath, keeps smiling and starts erratically drumming her fingers along the table. "Alex, talk to me! I'm not even joking…don't let me get up and go over there because it won't be good."

"Who's staring?" I don't even know what she's talking about. I turn around in my seat to see what she's talking about. I don't see anyone but a bunch of guys sitting around us. _Oh wait…right there. _Across the way, about three tables down from us, there's this girl sitting at a table with another girl and she is very clearly staring at me. It's clear, like she's not even trying to hide it. She has long, thick black hair and tanned skin. She's pretty, I guess…but she has NOTHING on Jo. When I turn around and look at the girl, she smiles at me and waves very blatantly. I don't want to be rude to her so I smile back, but I swear it didn't mean anything. I turn back around and look at Jo. _Oh…my god, Jo's gonna get us kicked out of here. _Her face is beyond red, she's shaking and she's smiling like somebody told her the greatest joke of her life. "Jo, calm down…"

"No, screw that…who in the hell is she waving at?!" She licks her lips and shakes her head. "I don't think she understands…I'm crazy. I will…I will get up and beat her ass Alex, I'm not joking. Why the hell is she waving at you? Do you know her?!" I shake my head to answer her question. She's so hot when she's mad, god I could scoop her up, take her to the bathroom and have my way with her. Jo's hot anyway but she's beyond hot when she's pissed. "Then why the hell is she waving at you?" I crack a smile. Her anger is the sexiest thing. "What the hell are you smiling at? Do I look like I'm smiling? Alex, I'm not joking right now I'm going to end up beating the hell out of somebody. She's over there smiling and waving at you like I'm not even sitting here. I'm your fucking…" _She's cussing…she must really be mad. _"I'm your girlfriend. How disrespectful…I'm feeling disrespected. Like common freaking courtesy if you see a man sitting with his woman, you don't fucking flirt with him unless you want beat up."

"Calm down, Jo…she's not worth it. Come on…we're having a good day. We're gonna have a good day, it's gonna be a good date, a good dinner. Don't worry about her. She's not worth it. Alright? She's not worth it." I try to talk her down but she's not hearing it. I think I remember her telling me when we first started getting to know each other that she has anger problems. I've seen Jo angry before but I've never seen her like this. She's in very rare form. "Josephine…"

"Don't Josephine me, you jerk. I should slap the shit out of you too for smiling at her." She folds her hands and keeps taking breaths. "I should just go over there and ask her why the hell she felt the need to wave. Like bitch, you're waving at my boyfriend…for what though? You don't know him, he doesn't know you, he's taken, he's happily in a fucking relationship, why the hell are you waving at him?" She's talking loud enough for the woman that was waving at me to hear. "And she's still staring! Alex, I swear to god…" She puts her hands on the table and stands up. "Watch my phone, I'll be back…" She puts her phone on the table.

"Jo, sit down." I reach across the table and grab her by her arm. "Sit down…what's wrong with you? Why are you letting her bother you? She's a nonfactor… she's a nobody. I don't know who that girl is and I don't care. The only girl in this entire building I give a damn about is you. I don't care about her. I don't understand why you let her bother you. I'm with you, aren't I? You're my girlfriend. You have me and she's over there just wishing she could have a chance. She's jealous of you right now, don't you get it? If you go over there and make a scene then you're just going to make yourself look stupid because you have me. Sit down and enjoy this. I'm not going to leave you for her. You're mad for no reason. There's no reason for you to go over there and snap out." She's starting to soften up a little. "Now stop it… you're way too pretty to go over there and fight." She sits down and sighs so I know for sure that I won. I talked her down and she's okay now. _She wasn't kidding when she said she has anger problems. _"Put the claws away killer…" She rolls her eyes at me and takes a sip of her iced tea. "…Boy you're the jealous type, aren't you?"

"…Well, yeah." She shrugs her shoulders and honestly, she doesn't even seem sorry that she was about to go over there and beat the crap out of the girl. She has no remorse and I think that's another thing I like so much about Jo. There's no shame in her game and I like that. "I don't want anyone waving at my man. How would you feel if you could see someone clearly staring at me? If a guy was staring at me, what would you do? You'd get mad, wouldn't you?"

"…Nah, I'd just grab your ass and make him jealous." I joke. She rolls her eyes, clearly not finding any humor in it. "It would annoy me, yeah." I admit to her. "It'd annoy me but honestly Jo, I wouldn't care. Let him stare. Because I have you. You're mine and nobody can change that except me and you. So no…I wouldn't get mad to the point where I'm going over there and beating somebody up just for staring at you. It wouldn't make me mad…"

"Well gee, it's nice to know my boyfriend wouldn't give a damn if another guy was hitting on me." She folds her arms across her chest, sits back and rolls her eyes at me for the billionth time.

"I never said that I wouldn't care Jo." I lean forward so I'm closer to her. "If another guy put his hands on you then I don't give a damn about anything else. If I ever see another man put his hands on you then I'm killing him. I'll go to jail, I'll do whatever time I need to do, but just know that if another man puts his hands on you, I'm going to jail." She still doesn't look at me. "But staring? No. I'm not going to hurt someone just for staring at you when I know that you're mine. Jo, they stare…but at the end of the day, staring is all they got. They stare but at the end of the day, it's my bed you get into at night. I'm the one that gets to kiss you…and hold you and touch you and be with you. That's why it doesn't bother me. I don't know why staring bothers you so much."

"…Because, Alex." She looks up at me and I can see, very prominently that she has tears in her eyes. "I just got you." She unfolds her arms and leans forward too. "I just got you and I don't want anyone to take you away. I…I don't know how to keep you. I've never been good at getting and keeping boyfriends, I don't know what I'm doing here. And I can't help it that I feel…threatened when I see girls that are prettier than me staring at my boyfriend. It's…It's no secret that you're sexy as hell." She shrugs her shoulders. "You're handsome, sexy…rich. Alex, you have girls all over you. And I'm just me. So yeah, I feel threatened because my boyfriend can have any girl in the world he wants. So when I see another girl staring, I get pissed off and I get jealous. I'm sorry that I'm the jealous type but that's something you're gonna have to deal with."

"You don't need to feel threatened though Jo, that's what I'm trying to tell you." I reach across the table and grab her hand. "Why do you feel threatened? Jo, you said it yourself. I can have any girl I want…but I want you, don't you get it? I want you…and your pretty brown eyes, your smile…" She smiles at me and tries to hide the fact that she's smiling. She's trying to act tough. "I want your craziness, your jealousy." I bring her hand up to my mouth. "I want you. Not some random girl at a random restaurant. I wouldn't care if Queen Victoria came and asked me to marry her Jo, I wouldn't. I want you." When I say that, she smiles again and she doesn't try to hide it this time. "Now gimme a kiss before I come over there and hold you down." She smiles wider and leans across the table. I lean across the table as well and our lips meet. I want to tell her that I love her so bad but I don't want to scare her away. So I'll just settle for a kiss.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Truth or dare?" I keep running my fingers up and down his arm as we walk. I don't know why we insist on saying "truth or dare" when the both of us pick nothing but truth and nix the dare. He hasn't picked dare yet and neither have I. Honestly, I just think we say "truth or dare" just to make it seem like we're playing a game when in reality, all were doing is learning more about each other. I wouldn't trade this day for all the money in the world, I swear. Today's just been so perfect. The only flaw of today was the bitch staring at him at the restaurant. I really could've killed that girl for staring at my boyfriend, you know? I try so hard not to be the jealous type but I really am. I just don't want to lose Alex. I just know that I'm not the prettiest girl in the book and I'm not model type. And Alex…he is. He's sexy, attractive, rich… girls are all over him. Girls that are way prettier than me. I don't want to lose my boyfriend, that's all. So I get a little jealous sometimes…my bad.

"Truth." He mumbles just like I knew he would and I hurry up and file through my head for a truth that I haven't asked him yet. I already asked him about his first kiss and I found out that his first kiss was from this girl at a skating rink. I found out that he only ever had unprotected sex with me and Lucy. I also found out that he thinks marriage is overrated. He tightens his grip around my waist and we keep walking. Did I mention how perfect this date is? Dinner was delicious but the best part of tonight would have to be when he pulled up into the parking lot of some big amusement park. I haven't been to an amusement park since I was fifteen. While I'm still trying to think of a good question to ask him, I look around. The smell of popcorn popping, hotdogs roasting and funnel cakes being made is overwhelming. The music from all the rides fills the air and since it's dark outside, lights are keeping the park alive. We already rode the carousel, we rode this ride with swings that go up in the air and we were going to ride a rollercoaster but the line was freakishly long. So now we're walking around looking for something else to get on.

"…So you think that marriage is overrated." I finally found the perfect question to ask him. I rest my head against his arm and keep walking. He rubs my hip and I feel like all is right with the world. I fall harder for him every single day. The fact that I have a decision to make is nagging me though. "What about babies? You think babies are overrated too?"

"I don't want kids…I thought I told you that." He mumbles.

"You did, but…I don't know, I was kind of thinking that maybe you changed your mind." I sigh. "I don't know how things will pan out for me and my future but I always kind of pictured myself having babies with someone someday." I clear my throat. "You just don't want them at all?"

"…I think they'd be cool." He shrugs his shoulders. "Don't make fun of me, okay?" He asks. I nod my head and rub his arm so he knows I'm listening. "I thought about having kids once…with Lucy. Thought about coaching the little league team and all that. I guess…having kids went out the door when she did." He admits. "I guess kids would be cool though…if I find the right girl."

"Well you're not getting any younger." There's another question nagging me in the back of my head. I don't want to sound pushy or annoying or like I'm trying to rush any of this because I'm not, I'm really not trying to rush anything between me and Alex. I just want to know if any of this is an option. "What if me and you got married?" I look up at him. "…Am I the right girl to have a baby with?" He doesn't say anything. "I'm not trying to rush anything and I'm not trying to…trap you with me or anything like that. Ii was just wondering…if that's even an option. Because…I dunno, I guess my view of relationships is messed up because…well…" I stop looking at him. "I'm not a teenager anymore and I'm in my 20s. So for me, when I even think about getting into relationships these days, I always think of it as…either I'm going to marry this person or we're going to break up. Because that's the case, right? When you're in a relationship. Either you're gonna be with that person for the rest of your life or you're going to break up. So I guess that's what I was just wondering…"

He grips my hip tighter and pulls me closer. "If things stayed this way forever…I'd marry you and I'd love a baby with you." He mumbles to me. "But Jo…you're young. I'm not. I'm 30…you're 23. You're just starting out with your life and I'm at the point where I should settle down. So realistically Jo, I don't see that happening. I always thought I'd be married by now. I always thought I'd be a dad by the time I was 32 or 33. That's not realistic if I stay with you." I look up at him again and wrinkle my brow. _Why isn't that realistic? _"Babies slow things, Jo… I mean because…when I decide to start that chapter of my life, I won't make a girl a mother unless she's my wife. So let's hypothetically say me and you did settle down. I'd want to marry you before we'd have children. And you'd have to finish school. We could get married and have babies before you finish school but why would we do that? It would take you longer to finish school with a baby. Babies slow things. So it's not realistic for us to get married and have children."

"What would be so bad about having a baby when you're say…35 though? Because it'll take me four years to finish school…and that's assuming we get married and then have a baby. It takes nine months for a baby to cook, so yeah…about five years, counting me finishing school and then us getting married and having a baby. So is 35 too old for you?"

"Why are we talking about this, Jo?" He leans down and kisses my cheek. "We don't need to talk about this. I mean…we're talking realistic here, aren't we?" He asks and I nod. "Okay so realistically, when we get to California, that's the end of the line. I'm staying in California to start fresh and you're going to Harvard. We can make this work long distance but for four years? It's not going to work Jo. So realistically, we have no reason to talk about us getting married and having a baby. It's not going to happen."

"Alex, I was thinking…maybe I don't have to—" He interrupts me just as I was about to tell him that I don't have to go to Massachusetts by kissing me. Our tongues swirl together with the kiss and I can literally feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him by the minute. Maybe he's right. Maybe we're not going to get married and have babies and maybe this is all so unrealistic but I know one thing…I can't give him up. Not when I'm falling in love with him. He doesn't love me yet but I really feel like he might fall in love with me at some point. And if we fall in love, I'm not going to deal with a long distance relationship. God, I'm not thinking about this right now. "No more talking about Harvard and our hypothetical children, okay? I want to enjoy the rest of our date."

"Okay." He kisses my cheek and we start walking again. "You want to get on that?" He points to a really big, red and yellow rollercoaster called "Insanity." I look at it and crack a smile.

"Let's make a bet though." I look away from the rollercoaster and back at him. "First person to scream has to…" I bite my lip trying to think of a condition. _Oh, he'll like that… _I raise up on my tiptoes and whisper in his ear. "First person to scream has to be the giver first." I stand flat on my feet and look at him. He seems confused. He mouths the words "giver of what" to me and I crack a flirty little smile. I stick my tongue out and wiggle it just a little and he gets my drift when I do that.

"…You're on." He grabs my hand and practically drags me over to the rollercoaster's line. I really like how me and Alex can go from being all serious to being playful with each other. I think that's an important part of our relationship. I think what makes me and Alex so strong is the fact that we really are best friends. He's my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he won't judge me. I can joke around with him and he'll get it. We can have sex four hours on end and we can flirt with each other and kiss each other and every time we do each of those things, it's still as meaningful as the first time we did it. I can decide not to talk about something and he won't force me to. He's my best friend and he's also my boyfriend. People that fall in love with their best friends are so lucky. I wrap my arms around his waist and put my head against his chest as we wait in line to get on the rollercoaster.

I close my eyes for a moment and just think. It would be so fitting for me and Alex to have a happy ending, wouldn't it? He's broken, hurt and has trust issues. Me? I never thought I would find someone to spend the rest of my life with. And now we have each other. There has to be a way to make this work. There has to be a way for me to pursue my dream at Harvard while he has his life in California. There has to be a way to make this work. Our time together is very precious because it's limited. But I don't want it to be limited. I want to have a forever with Alex, I think. _Or maybe he's not really the one. Maybe the one you're supposed to be with is actually in Massachusetts. Maybe Alex is just a meaningless diversion. _I inhale his scent while I'm holding him and exhale.

_Well, fate. If you're listening to me… please send me a sign. Tell me what to do. Tell me if I'm supposed to be with his man for the rest of my life and tell me if this man is the one. Tell me if he's not the one. Tell me if I'm supposed to go find my soulmate in medical school. Just send me a freaking sign. _

Because by tomorrow morning, the first week of our trip is going to be over. And by tomorrow night, we're going to be just outside of Arizona. And by the end of tomorrow, we're only going to have three more states to go through and merely five days until we get to Long Beach, California. I have less than a week left with him. And right now…I don't know what the hell my decision is going to be based on.

_So please fate, send me a sign._

* * *

**A/N:** So I know the timing here is off just a little because really, it's only supposed to have been 5 or 6 days since the fire which means it's been a little less than a week since Alex and Jo started driving. But just assume that what Jo said in this chapter is right. Assume that after their date tonight, the next day, it will be a week exactly since they've started driving. And assume that they'll make it to California within the next 5 or 6 days as well. So technically, Alex and Jo only have six days at the most to be together until a decision has to be made.

The reason for the little bit of a speed up is that I do plan on doing about two time jumps in this story.

and before I get bombarded with questions, yes...I know that Jo said that she has until August to decide what she's going to do when in real time, it's only the end of June. Because she does have until the beginning of August to decide. The fall semester at Harvard begins at the end of August so technically, she has until the beginning of August to decide whether or not she's going to Harvard. There's just a few days until they get to California is all I'm saying.


	31. Going

"You totally lost the bet." I haplessly tease him as we walk towards the exit of the park. The lights are beginning to shut off around us and even though the park doesn't close for another half hour, everyone is like me and him and making their ways towards the exit. I had the most incredible night of my entire existence tonight. I know that might be sounding like a bit of an exaggeration but I swear it's not. I haven't had a night like tonight ever in my life. After we got off the rollercoaster we decided to get on after we had our meaningful conversation, I found myself praying to the gods to slow down time just a little bit. I don't want this night to end, ever. I can picture me just staying in this amusement park with him, laughing and talking and having the best time of my life for the rest of my life. I don't think I'd ever get sick of being here. Matter of fact, when I die, I want this to be my heaven. "Don't ignore me, I know you heard me." I nudge him with my elbow and move the gigantic stuffed animal I'm carrying on my hip up so it doesn't touch the ground. I feel like maybe I'm a teenager. Like I'm a teenager and I just went on a date with my high school sweetheart. He took me to the local fair, bought me cotton candy and won me a stuffed animal. I definitely feel like my life is a high school dream right now but I promise you, it's a good feeling.

"I didn't lose the bet, what are you talking about?" His hand moves along my shoulder and rubs my arm. All night tonight, I don't think we've gone any longer than half an hour without touching…and that was when we were eating. Every time we walk, he makes it a point to be holding onto me in some way. I love it, needless to say. I've never had a man hold my hand in public and just drape his arm across me. If you've never had this happen to you either, just trust me when I say it's so amazing to feel like you mean so much to one person. It's the best feeling in the word and I would try to describe it but I can't. Just know that it's a feeling way beyond your wildest imagination. "That one scream didn't count. You pinched my leg, of course I'm going to scream. And besides…I didn't even scream, I…I squawked. I didn't scream and you cheated."

"You didn't give specifics. You never said I wasn't allowed to pinch you and make you squawk. The conditions were…the first person that screamed on the rollercoaster lost the bet. We never said we couldn't make each other lose. There were never any specifics. So technically…I didn't cheat." I feel my stuffed animal slipping again so I tighten the grip I have on it and keep walking up the small hill we parked on. It took me a while to find the right word for how Alex treats me and after he spent thirty bucks on a game to get me this stuffed animal tonight, I found it. He _spoils _me, I think. We were walking past a game booth and I saw a life-size, stuffed version of Yoda. It was huge, I mean HUGE. And it looked just like Yoda too. It had the bumps on his head, the big ears…it was so close to Yoda that I was shocked by it. And I had to pull myself away from it. But as we were walking away from the booth, I saw the life-size version of R2D2 and it was all over from there. I admit…I freaked out a little bit when I saw that. Alex called me "his little weirdo" because I had to tell him how much I freaking love Star Wars. And he saw how much I wanted it, so he spent thirty bucks to win it for me. Each time he tried it was five bucks. Finally, on the sixth try, he knocked down all 40 cans of milk bottles with ten baseballs and he got it for me. So I think I'm just in saying that my boyfriend spoils me.

"It was a stupid bet anyway." We get to the car and he walks towards the passenger's seat. He opens up the door for me. To tell him "thank you" without having to open my mouth, I raise up on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. He turns his head and kisses my cheek as well, then he slips his hand under my arm and takes my stuffed animal. _Is it too soon to love him? Because I think I do. I'm not sure and I don't know exactly what this feeling is but I think it's love. _He puts my stuffed R2D2 in the backseat of the car and walks around to get in the driver's seat. _I've never been in love before so how do I know if that's really what this is? For all I know, this could be lust…couldn't it? _He gets in the driver's seat and starts the car. "Next time we make a bet, let's make it for something that's not so stupid." He mumbles as he shoves his key in the ignition and turns it. "Because this bet was stupid. It doesn't matter if I won or if I lost, I'd do it anyway. Next time we bet let's make it for something…like…like top or bottom first. Not something that I'd do anyway."

I roll my eyes and tap him on his arm. "You're just saying that because you lost. It wasn't a stupid bet. I'm sensing some bitterness." I buckle my seatbelt just as he starts pulling out of the parking spot. I roll down my window a little because it's humid inside the car and I don't want him to turn on the air conditioning because it's not necessary. "It's okay if you're a sore loser, Alex… all the best people are sore losers." I glance over at him and see that he has a goofy smirk on his face but he seems really focused on getting us out of this parking lot. The traffic is pretty horrible getting out of here of course. Today seemed like a fairytale. If I could, I'd rewind and do it all over again in a heartbeat. I tuck my hair behind my ear, clear my throat and turn my head to face him. "So thank you…for tonight." I cross my legs and look straight again. "I had an amazing time." I lick my lips and try to find the words to say what I want to say next. "That wasn't half bad…for a guy that doesn't do dates."

"There you go again, busting my balls." He stops the car at his respectful place in the traffic line and takes his hands off the wheel. "I can show a girl a good time. It's been a while since I have, but I can most certainly do it." He leans across the seat and tilts his head. He kisses me on my cheek with soft, dry lips. "I'm glad you had a nice time though. We'll do it again soon…maybe once we get settled in Arizona. We can do a movie if you want. Instead of another amusement park…" He suggests. I know I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. I feel like a crappy girlfriend already. He pays for everything. I wish I could pay for something. I wish I had the means to take him somewhere that he'd enjoy. He planned this date out so it's only fair that I plan out the next one, isn't it? I feel like I'm not contributing an equal 50% to our relationship and we've only been officially boyfriend and girlfriend for a day. If I feel this lousy already then it's only going to get worse. This is great.

"No, this date was just fine. We don't have to go on more." I try to pass it off as if I'm happily satisfied with the date we just had. I'm not exactly lying to him because yeah, I really am satisfied with the date we just went on. I had a marvelous time and I wouldn't mind doing it again. But I don't think I'd like myself very much if I let him keep spending ridiculous amounts of money on me. As ashamed as I am to admit it…I snuck a peek at the bill he paid for dinner. Our dinner bill $267.35 and he paid that in cash. He handed the waitress three one hundred dollar bills and told her to keep the change. Then admission into the amusement park was $25 a piece, so he spent an extra $50 to get in. Then he spent $30 to win me a stuffed animal and not to mention, he bought me a slushy in a souvenir cup, a bag of cotton candy and an ice cream cone that we shared. He already spent so much money on me and this was only our first date. I'm really just not comfortable with him spending so much on me when I know that I can't reciprocate the favor. I'm broke…I can hardly afford to buy myself tampons at the freaking drugstore. "This was perfect."

"I had a good time too." He eases his car up as the traffic line moved a little bit. "If we both had a nice time, why should we stop after one date?" He stops his car again and takes his hands back off the wheel. "I like swimming…you like swimming?" He asks. I nod my head slowly. "Maybe I'll be able to find a waterpark close to the hotel we're staying at in Tucson. You know…waterslides, wave pools, lazy rivers? Would you enjoy a waterpark?" I nod slowly again. _Please don't spend any more money on me. _"Lazy rivers are my favorite. You can just get in a raft and chill…I love those things." I smile but it's fake. "What's wrong, Jo?" He asks. I shake my head and play it off. "You can't lie to me Jo, I can read your face like a book. What's wrong?" I shake my head again. "We don't have to go to a waterpark. I just thought… because Arizona's hot…"

"I don't have a bathing suit." I murmur as I look down and count the number of stitches that are in the seat cover just to have a distraction. Of course me not having a bathing suit isn't the real reason why I'm reluctant to go on another date with him but it sounds good, doesn't it?

"So we'll just go out and get you one." He shrugs his shoulders like what I just said is the stupidest thing he's ever heard and maybe it is. Maybe my no bathing suit excuse was stupid but it's all I have. "We can stop at the mall before we go. I heard Arizona got some pretty nice malls anyway and I need to grab some new swim trunks anyway. We can just stop and get you a bathing suit, Jo. That's not a problem." He eases his car up in traffic once again. "Speaking of… what kind of cell phone service do you have?" I wrinkle my eyebrows and raise one at him. _How did we get from bathing suits to cell phone providers? _"I was looking at your phone today… you need a new one. Maybe the mall we go to will have a phone store that we can go look into."

"NO." I say that with the most certainty I've had in the last few hours. I have to draw the line somewhere with him and I'm drawing it here. "You're not buying me a new phone Alex, no. No...Do you hear me? No." I look at him with my best poker face so he knows how serious I am about that. "Stop…doting on me. Stop buying me stuff, stop…trying to spoil me. Stop it. I don't need it. It's bad enough I already let you spend the money you did tonight on me. You're not buying me a phone. There's a line, okay? There's a line and you're crossing it. You're not paying four or five hundred dollars to get me a new phone when the one I have is functioning. Stop doing this. Quit it. You're not spending any more money on me and I mean it."

"Wait, you're really trying to tell me how to spend _my _money?"

"No, I'm trying to tell you that if you spend YOUR money on me, I'm going to end up taking everything you buy me back. I'm trying to tell you not to waste your money. Stop it, okay? I don't…I don't care about any of that. I don't care about your money. I don't care that you can afford things that I can only dream of affording. I don't care about your money so you don't have to keep doing expensive things for me. I'm nipping it in the bud before it gets out of hand. I want YOU. Not your money. I could care less about how deep your pockets are."

"I'm not asking you to care." He mumbles. "…Jo, if I want to do nice things for my girlfriend, who are you to stop me?" He turns his head so he's looking at me. I roll my eyes, shake my head at him and look out the window. He just doesn't get how lousy that makes me feel. It makes me feel like a gold digger and I'm not. I'm not after him because he's rich. I could care less that he's rich. I want him. I wouldn't care if he was homeless or broke. I wouldn't care if I had to struggle to feed the both of us as long as I had him. I don't care that he's rich. He doesn't need to shower me with lavish gifts and insane amounts of money to make me happy. "You think I give a damn that you don't have a penny to your name?" I bite my lip and take a breath. He's pissing me off. Why can't he just listen to me when I say STOP spending money on me? "Jo, if you think that's the kind of man I am then we don't need to be together." I look over at him when he says that and I can tell by the look on his face that he's serious. "I'm serious. If you think I'm doing all of this because I know that you're poor or whatever then you don't know me at all and we don't need to be together." I look down at the cup holders in the space between us. "I do things for you because I want to. I do things for you because you're my girlfriend, you deserve all the happiness in the world and dammit, as long as we're together, what's mine is yours." I look back at him and feel tears coming on. "Why would I let you struggle when I have enough to take care of the both of us? …Jo, if I have it, you have it. You don't need to want for anything anymore. I don't do things for you because I feel bad. I do things for you because you deserve to go to sleep at night knowing that you're financially set. Why should you have to struggle when I don't?" I lick my lips and sigh. "I understand what it's like to go to bed hungry. I watched my dad have to choose between food for the month and paying the electric bill. I understand suffering. And I know you understand it too. That's why I'm crazy about you, you know? Because I know this shit doesn't matter to you. I know you don't care about my money, I know. Believe me, I know. You were…you were starving to death that day I came to see you in your apartment. You were hungry and your fridge was empty. I offered to buy you lunch and you said no. I tried to hand you money on more than one occasion and you always turned it down. No matter how much you needed it, you turned it down. I know you're independent and I love that about you. But you don't have to be anymore, it's okay. It's okay…I have it now. I'll take it from here." I wipe tears off my face. "All you have to do is wake up in the morning, that's it. You wake up in the morning…and everything else is on me. I'll take it from there."

_What's the catch here? There has to be a catch. He has to be a secret asshole or he has to be hiding something, I don't know. Something's gotta give here. There's no way in hell this man always knows the right thing to say. He just knows. How? What is the catch? _"…But I can't give anything back to you Alex, don't you get it?" I wipe my tears again and sniff. "You're giving me everything and I'm so…grateful. But I can't ever repay you. Ever. Even if…" I sniff again and wipe my eyes with the pads of my fingers. "Let's say this falls through. Let's say I…go to Harvard or whatever and this falls through…we don't stay together. Now I'm stuck…in debt to you. And even if we do stay together and everything works out in the end, I still owe it to you. I owe everything to you Alex…I can't ever give it back."

"Jesus Christ, JO." He pounds his fist on the steering wheel and sighs. "Who cares?! Why is this relationship so give and take with you?!" He pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath. "Why does it matter? Why is it that every time I give something to you, you have to give it right back to me? Why can't you just take something and have that be the end of it? This isn't…a friendship anymore. This isn't a friendship where you owe me something if I give you something. If I give you something, you don't have to pay me back because that's not what I relationship is. You don't owe me anything. You give me everything by breathing Jo, don't you get it? You give me everything by being with me, by breathing, by waking up in the morning and putting up with me. I don't care if this doesn't work out. Is it so bad for me to want to see you happy? Even if this doesn't work out, you're still going to be the best friend I've ever had and nothing can ever change that. So I wanna see you happy. That doesn't mean you owe me anything. If anything…I owe you." I wrinkle my brow at him again. "Jo, I'm not in jail because of you, did you forget that? You saved my ass back at the hotel in Kansas. You…you stayed. You chose to be with me. I owe you for all of that. So if you really want this to be I give, you give…then I give you a little bit of money, you save my ass out of jail. Okay?"

"That doesn't count." I sniff again. Every single time he opens his mouth, he makes my decision a million times harder. Every time he talks to me, he just solidifies the fact that I don't know if I'll be able to leave him. I don't want to leave him…but I don't want to give up Harvard either. Does that make me weak, by the way? Giving up Harvard to stay with him, I mean. Does that make me weak? Giving up everything I ever worked for just to be with a man. Is that weak-minded or is that noble? I can chose the man I love over the job I love but I don't know if I should. I just don't know. What I do know is that I can't make this decision. I scoot over towards him in my seat and lie my head on his shoulder. Since we're still stuck in traffic trying to get out of the parking lot of the amusement park, he wraps both his arms around me as well. "I know you probably get tired of…hearing me say thank you…but thank you, Alex. Thank you…"

"You don't have to thank me for anything." He tilts his head downward and kisses my forehead. "…So I'm gonna ask you again…" He starts. I tilt my head up to look at him while he's talking. I reach my hand up and play with his stubble. He needs to shave. I love his stubble but he really should shave. "What phone service do you have? Because I'm not letting my girlfriend go all the way to the east coast with a crappy cell phone. I'm gonna need a reliable way to get in touch with her, you know." I crack a smile at him and look straight ahead. Well it seems like his mind is pretty made up. It seems like he's dead set on me going to Massachusetts. I don't feel like ruining a perfect night by arguing with him about leaving so I'll just keep my mouth shut. Besides, there's no point in me telling him that I'm not going to Massachusetts if I'm not even sure that I'm not going yet. I don't even know if I'm going or not so why would I even say anything about it? I think this is a decision I'm gonna have to make on my own.

"I have T-Mobile. It's cheap…the service sucks a little, but it's cheap and I can pay it." I tell him. He takes his arms from around my body so he can move his car up again but I don't move my head from his shoulder. I bring my arms over and put them around his waist. I know he's driving but I love to just hold him sometimes. Sometimes I don't believe that he's real because I honestly never thought that I would find somebody like him but I did. I found him, he's mine and I really don't want to give him up. "Don't think I forgot that you lost the bet..." I try to make the mood in this car lighter by talking about something less serious than what we were just talking about. He stops the car again and I look at our place. We're two cars away from being let out. I know it's taking a while for us to get on the road and go back to the hotel but I really don't have an issue with taking so long. I like spending all the time I can possibly spend with him.

"I know, I know. I lost the bet." He chuckles and moves his car up to the next spot in line so we can leave the next time the traffic director tells us that the coast is clear. "I'm a man of my word, I'll hold up my end of the bet, I will." The traffic director tells us that we can leave so he puts the car in full gear and starts driving off along the highway. "If you don't stop bugging me about it, I'll just pull the car over on the side of the highway and make you shut up about it right here, right in the car."

"…In the car?" I keep my arms around him as he's driving and I look at the road. It's dark out here and it's really quiet on the highway but I must admit that I find comfort in it. Nothing in this world can persuade me to let him go. It's quiet in the car and it's nice because it's just me and him. "Isn't it dangerous to have sex in a car? Like…I know people do it but isn't there some degree of danger in that? Obviously having sex in a parked car isn't bad but you know those people that have sex while the freaking car is moving. Don't you think that's dangerous?"

"…I mean, I guess." He shrugs his shoulders and turns the wheel a little bit. "I've had sex in a car before. It wasn't moving or anything but it could've been dangerous, I guess. It was in traffic. We were stuck in traffic for a while and it passed the time." He admits. I lift my head up from his shoulder and look at him. Did he really just say that? "What?" He smirks. "She was on my lap…I worked the pedals and she did the steering." My jaw drops at that. "Me and Lucy did some pretty crazy things…" I shake my head. "What, you're not getting jealous again, are you?"

"No…" I shake my head. "I'm just trying to figure out…" I sigh. I think me and Alex's relationship is pretty strong right now so what the hell? If something's bothering me, I might as well just say it. "I don't like it when you tell me things about her though. It kind of pisses me off. Just thinking about…things you do with her. It's kind of irritating. Cause it's like…" I lick my lips. "I'm not a big freak or anything…and me? I've only ever had sex in a bed…so I don't like hearing about how amazing the sex with your ex was. And plus, I'm not exactly her biggest fan. The girl's a bitch and I don't even like hearing her name."

"I'm sorry." He puts his arm around me again and drives with one hand. "…If it helps though, you're so much better than her." That makes me smile. I lift my head up a little and kiss the underside of his chin. "…And really? You've never had sex anywhere else besides a bed?" I shake my head. "Never had sex in the shower?" I shake my head. "On the floor?" I shake my head again. "In a car?" I shake my head. "Not even in the pool?"

"I've never had sex anywhere else besides a bed, okay? Nowhere else." I repeat myself because it doesn't seem like he quite got what I was saying. "I'm rather new at this…" I'm kind of embarrassed, I won't lie. He's just so experienced with sex and all that stuff but I'm not. "You're still the first guy I've even had unprotected sex with, let alone…" I let my voice trail off. "And like… I don't know how to be on top or whatever. I see it in the movies and it's just like…wow." I giggle. "I'm not really a sexual…professional." I shrug.

"Are you serious?" He looks away from the road for a second.

"Don't make fun of me." I slap his chest softly but hard enough for it to sting him. "I told you, I haven't even had a serious boyfriend before. I know…I'm so juvenile. I'm usually just on my back though. I'm usually on my back and it's usually over in two seconds. I've never even gotten oral before I met you. I told you, I'm a loser. I'm a nobody." I sigh. "I get excited over freaking Star Wars. I'm a geek."

"You're not a geek, babe." He rubs my back with his free hand. _He called me "babe." And it was so natural. I don't expect it to become a regular occurrence because I know he's not exactly a "babe" kind of guy so I'm not expecting this to be an everyday thing. But I kind of liked it. _"You remember how you told me that I have poor self-esteem? Well you do too. You're so negative about yourself." He keeps rubbing my back. "You know Jo, someday, you're gonna have a husband. And I'm telling you, he's not going to go for you always downing yourself like that. And you said you want to have a baby someday, right? What kind of baby would want a mother that refers to herself as a geek? Your husband has his work cut out for him."

"…So…we're still acting like you're not going to be my husband someday and I'm not going to be your wife?" Ii don't mean to get snappy with him but that comment just irritated the hell out of me. I guess it kind of made me sad too. It irritated me and it kind of upset me just a little. I don't want to think about getting married someday. I mean, I always pictured myself getting married and having a baby with someone someday but I don't even want to think about getting married to somebody that isn't him. It's like he completely wrote off marrying me. I know it's still early in our relationship to even think about marriage and babies but seriously. We're in a relationship. I'm his girlfriend and he's sitting here telling me about how I'm going to get married to someone that's not him someday. I mean I know we're probably not soulmates or anything like that but he's making it seem like we're doomed to break up. When you get in a relationship with someone, that's always the goal…isn't it? "You're such a pessimist."

"I'm not pessimistic Jo, I'm realistic. You know damn well we're never gonna get married and have a kid. Pull your head outta your butt for two seconds. You know it's not gonna happen."

"I can still hope." I roll my eyes at him and take my arms from around his body. "Then why are we even together? Like, what's the point? If you're going into this thinking that marriage isn't even an option, then what's the point of us being together? Why don't you want to marry me, Alex? What's so bad about it? Why won't you wait for me?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE LEAVING, JO!" He yells at me so loud that I jump a little. "Why do you make me yell at you?" His voice goes right back down to normal. "You're leaving, Jo. You're going to Massachusetts and I'm staying in California. Let's be realistic here, Jo. Even if we stay together…beat the odds and do this long distance, it's not going to work. I'll be waiting four years for you. In four years, somebody's gonna come around. You expect me to wait for you for four years? Ward off every woman that shows interest in me because my girl is in Massachusetts? Are you going to ward off every guy because I'm in California? Come on Jo…be realistic. We're not going to get married and live happily ever after. It's not feasible. You're leaving…that's why. You're leaving."

"Unless I don't go! Then what?!" I take a deep breath and look out the window. "I'm tired of acting like this isn't an issue anymore, Alex. I'm tired of acting like there's not this big elephant in the room. You paid my deposit…why? If you knew that we were going to be together, if you knew that this was going to hurt so bad…why'd you pay it? It hurts so bad, Alex…I don't want to go. I don't want to lose you. Ii don't want to give up on my dream, but…I don't want to leave you. And you had to know that this was going to hurt. You had to know that this was going to be more painful than anything I've ever done. So why'd you pay it? You wanna get rid of me, don't you?"

"…It's not like that anymore Jo." He mumbles. "It was…like that. At first. I didn't want to fall in love with you. I thought you were like Lucy. I thought you were only out to hurt me so yeah, it was like that at first. I wanted to get rid of you…" My jaw drops for the second time tonight when he says that. "It's not like that now, Jo! It's not!" He pulls into the parking lot of the hotel and parks his car. But he keeps his finger on the door lock so I can't get out. "It's not like that. I wasn't even going to tell you. I paid it and I immediately regret it after that. I immediately regret it. I wasn't going to tell you that I paid it… I was gonna keep you with me. But I can't do that anymore, Jo. I won't do that."

"I'm not going." I shake my head and cross my arms. "I'm not going."

"Well I'm not letting you stay. I'm not letting you give up everything you ever worked for just to stay with me. Like it or not, you're getting on that plane and you're going to Harvard. You're going to Harvard and you're going to make me proud. And you're going to send me an invite to your graduation and I'm gonna be there for you. I'm going to be there, cheering the loudest, I promise. I'm not letting you give up on everything you ever wanted in your life. So you're going to Harvard. I already have it planned." He sighs. "I was looking up flight information… I got your flight booked for August 18th. That'll give you time to get there and find an apartment before the 31st. The semester starts on the 31st, right? So you'll have time. I'm gonna give you some money…so you can be comfortable out there. You find an apartment and you get yourself ready and you show up for classes on that first day. Alright? You're getting on that plane and going."

"…And what makes you think I'm gonna want to stay? Knowing that you're here and I'm there? What makes you think I'm going to be happy enough to get my ass out of bed every day and go to classes?" I shut my mouth quickly. I don't want to tell him about my depression. He doesn't need to know that. "I'm not going, Alex. I'm making a decision. This is my decision. My decision is you. I'm not going."

"You're going."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Why won't you let me stay? Why are you pushing me away? Do you still want to get rid of me?!"

"No! Jo, you're going because I… because I LOVE you, okay? Dammit, I love you. It snuck up on me…I didn't want for it to happen… but it did and that's the reason I can't keep you with me anymore. I can't be selfish. I have to think about what would make you happy. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life with me regretting that you didn't go. I want you to chase your dream BECAUSE I love you. Not because I'm trying to get rid of you. You're getting on that plane and you're going. I'm not letting you stay with me. I'm not letting you give everything up. Sometimes… you have to make sacrifices for people you love…and I guess that's what I'm doing."

_He said he loves me. Does he really mean that or is he just saying that because it sounds right? God, please let him be true. Please let him be telling the truth. Does he really love me? _"…You love me?" I ask him, tears in my eyes threatening to fall. "Did you mean that? You love me?"

"Don't use it against me." He rolls his eyes at me and gets out of the car.


	32. To Sleep

**A/N:** **M **rated stuff in this chapter.

* * *

"Alex!" As I'm fiercely walking through the parking lot to get to the entrance of the hotel, I hear her calling my name. Obviously I hear her calling my name but I can't find it within myself to turn around and face her, not after I just admitted that I love her. I don't think she believes me. I don't think she actually heard me when I said that I love her. I don't know why, but I just get the feeling that she doesn't think my feelings are genuine. She didn't even say it back to me. Now, I've probably scared her away by saying that I love her after only a week and I told myself I was going to wait to tell her how I felt about her. I was going to wait until I at least felt like her feelings were the same as mine. Now I look like the weak one. I told her that I love her and now she has that over me. "Alex, wait! Wait!" _Why should I wait? Should I wait just so you can tell me you don't feel the same? _She didn't even say it back. Granted, I didn't exactly give her the opportunity to say it back because I left right after, but she did have a little bit of time to say it. Instead of saying it back, she just questioned me. She questioned me and I didn't like that. She doesn't believe me.

I pull the main door to the hotel open and step inside. Today was the best day I've had with Jo since we've been stuck together on this trip. I'm not usually one for romantic dates and being all touchy-feely with a girl but today with Jo, it was great. Halfway through the date when we were steadying ourselves from getting off the tilt-a-whirl, I started thinking about her. I started thinking about the things she deserved and all the things she should have in her life. I thought about what her old apartment looked like and how even though she lived in such a crappy situation, she still ended up being the person she is. And then in the car, she started telling me how she owed me for everything I've done for her. I guess she doesn't see it, but I do. I see that I owe her more than she owes me, not only for saving my ass with the cops but for so many other things that she'll never know about unless I tell her. I really had just about given up on ever finding somebody to fill the void Lucy left. I didn't think I'd ever get over that and I didn't think I'd ever open myself up to like a girl as much as I liked Lucy. I thought that I was destined to be alone for the rest of my life and honestly, I was content with that theory.

Then she comes along. With her perfect body, beautiful face, long brunette hair and pretty brown eyes. She comes along and she opens up so many possibilities for me. Suddenly, I don't think I have to be alone anymore. I found somebody that takes Lucy off my mind. I found somebody that got me over it and made me feel even stronger than I'd ever felt about Lucy. Jo comes in and I suddenly see myself with a future. A future that might not even include her, but a future that I have now that she came along. I love Jo. I love her so much that I don't think about myself anymore. I don't think about how much I want to be with her, I think about how happy she would be if she was able to chase her dream. Of course I don't want her to go to Massachusetts. But it's not about me anymore. I owe Jo for making me see that I'm not totally freaking helpless anymore.

I pull the room key out of my back pocket and shove it in the slot. I hold it there until I hear the lock beep, then I take it out and open the door up. Just as I get the door open, she catches up to me. She's breathing hard and holding onto the wall for support so I guess she must've ran to catch up with me. "Why…didn't…you stop?" Her voice is broken from the gasping breaths she's taking. "I hate it when you run from me." I walk inside the room and she follows. She shuts the door behind the both of us. I turn the light on and toss our room key and my cell phone on the bed. She turns the light back off, however. I turn around to ask her what she's doing but I can already tell what she's doing because she's taking off her skirt. It's dark in the room but it's not dark enough to the point that I can't see her. I can see the shadows of her body and I can tell every movement she makes. She unzips her skirt from the back and it loosens a bit but it doesn't fall. After she unzips her skirt, she starts walking towards me. "I know you're not interested in listening to me say it back to you, so I figure…" She stands on her tiptoes and kisses my lips. "I can always show you."

I put my hands around her hips and kiss her on her lips again. I guess she figures since I got out of the car after saying it to her, I don't want to hear her say it back which really isn't the case. I just didn't think she was going to say it. I guess now she was and in hindsight, I wish I had stayed in the car long enough to hear her say it. Just like she always does when we kiss, her hands go immediately to the back of my head and she wraps her arms around my neck. My hands wander away from her waist and go to her ass. I tilt my head so our noses don't bump as I deepen the kiss we're sharing. Her skirt is tight-fitting so I can't really get a good grip on her ass but I still don't stop squeezing it. In an unusual fashion, she breaks the kiss and puts her lips against my neck. "I love you too, okay?" She whispers in my ear first then she puts her lips against my neck again. Her hands are still tangled in my hair and she's sucking on this spot of my neck that really gets me in the mood. I try to stuff my hands inside her skirt but it's too tight. She takes her hands away from my head and puts them on my waist. She gives me a firm but light shove towards the bed. I take her hint and walk backwards toward it until the backs of my legs touch the bedframe and I know it's okay for me to sit. I blindly sit down on the bed and she pushes me back by my shoulders.

She puts her lips back against mine and this time, she takes complete control of the kiss. She forces my lips open my moving her jaw against mine from side to side and her tongue explores all corners of my mouth. Never breaking the kiss, she moves her legs and sits atop of me with her legs on either side of me in a straddle position. I slide my hands up underneath her shirt and mess around with her bra. She stops kissing my lips again and goes back to kissing my neck. I take my hands away from her back and slide them all the way back down to her ass again. Her skirt is really starting to piss me off. I pull on the zipper. There has to be a way to loosen this thing up so it's not so tight. If I don't get it off soon, I'm just gonna either pull it up around her waist so it's out of my way or I'm going to rip it off; whichever comes first. She moves over towards my earlobe and sucks on that part of my neck next. Somehow, she knows that sucking on that part of my neck makes me hard because she pushes her hips down into mine so she's against me. I know she can feel it as it's hardening…I know she can.

She stops kissing my neck and lifts up for a moment. She puts her hands at the rim of her shirt and pulls it off over her head. She throws it on the floor and leans back down to kiss my lips again. I reluctantly take my hands off her ass again and put them back at her bra strap. Her hands are on either side of my face, holding my head still while she's kissing me deeply. I don't know what came over her and what made her want to take so much control here but I'm not complaining because I love it. I unsnap the buckle on her bra and move my hands around to the front. I start pulling the straps down and her boobs spill out into my hands. The first time we had sex, I didn't really get to do much with her boobs because I was trying to keep it intimate for our first time but now, it's our second time and I can be as dirty with her as I want to. I cup her boobs in my hands and knead them as she resumes kissing all over my neck. She slips her arms out of her bra straps and throws it on the floor along with her shirt. I put my hands around her waist so she doesn't fall and I lean up. I burrow my face in her chest and trace circles around her nipple with my tongue. She holds my face in her chest and grips my hair. She doesn't moan but a satisfied grunt escapes her lips. Instead of just licking, I take her entire nipple in my mouth and suck on it. I know she likes it because she grips my hair hard in satisfaction. If I could, I'd kiss, suck and lick every inch of her perfect body. She's absolutely beautiful.

As if she's apologizing for pulling my hair, she stops gripping it and strokes my head with loving motions. But just as quickly as she turned loving with me, she goes right back to being dominant by pushing my head back and forcing me to stop occupying her chest with my mouth. She fills my newly unoccupied mouth with her lips and kisses me hard, pushing me down against the bed as she's kissing. I sit up again for a brief moment just to take my shirt off. I toss my shirt on the floor too and lie back down like she wants me to. I think she lied to me. There's no way she's never been the dominant one in bed and if she never really was, she could've fooled me. She's doing a damn good job at it. She kisses me with longing passion before she pulls away. It takes me a moment to realize why she pulled away until I notice that she's taking her skirt off. I follow her lead and unbutton and unzip my pants as well. I kick them off and I'm just barely finishing before she throws herself on me again. She puts her legs back in the straddle position and leans forward to kiss me again. I put my arms around her back and pull her down towards me so we're skin-to-skin. I honestly can't take giving complete control to her, so I break the kiss this time and I start kissing her neck. While I'm kissing her neck though, she's grinding her pelvis against my erection in a rocking, dry-humping motion. I'm fine with that. I still want her to feel like she has some degree of control because I know she never has had control before.

The way her body is positioned, a good portion of her womanhood is on my lower stomach. Her underwear are made of a skimpy, black lace fabric so I can feel her wetness through the fabric and wet is sort of an understatement. She's drenched, that's more like it. I move my lips down lower to the point in her neck that I know is her spot. It's crazy how the two of us have only had sex one time but she knows just where to put her mouth to get me going and I know all her spots too. I don't know how much longer she anticipates on doing this whole foreplay thing but I don't think I can do this for much longer. Ever since I felt how wet she is, that's the only thing I've been thinking about. I can't wait much longer to be inside her. I run my hands down to the rim of her underwear and loop my fingers around the seams. She lifts her hips up a little and that's all I need to pull them down. I get them down to her knees and she takes it from there. She kicks them off and they fall down off the bed.

I can't help myself. I know she's supposed to have all the control over this time but I really can't help myself. I lean up, put my face back in her neck, slide my hand down past her stomach and immediately take my middle finger down to her hole. It slips right in, that's just how wet she is. I kiss the underside of her chin as I dig my finger deeper inside of her and again, she doesn't moan but her breath catches in her throat and she sighs. I move my finger back and forth and take my lips away from her neck just so I can watch her face as I finger her. Her eyes are peacefully closed and she's biting on her bottom lip. She's so damn sexy, I can't stand it. I kiss her on her lips again and as if she's pissed at me for fingering her, she starts kissing me with so much aggression that she's forcing me to lie back flat against the bed again. She starts moving down from my neck with her kisses so I stop fingering her and I go ahead and let her do what she wants. She kisses down past my stomach and when she gets to the waistband of my boxers, she stops. She puts her hands at the seams of my boxers and pulls them hard, like she's mad at the fact that they're still on. I help her take them off and when she gets them to my knees, she yanks them off and throws them on the floor. Her hands slide up and start rubbing my abs while her tongue starts at my balls and traces all the way up to the tip.

When she gets to the tip, she wraps her lips completely around it and starts sliding it all in her mouth. I don't know where she learned to give head but it's amazing. Literally, it's mind-blowing. I've gotten a lot of head in my day and I promise, hers is the best. She doesn't even need her hands. Her hands are stroking my abs and she's doing wonders with her mouth. She takes the length she can fit in her mouth out and spits all over the rest of it that she couldn't fit. She starts sucking on the tip and I grit my teeth together. She takes her hands away from my abs for a second so she can move her hair out of the way. Since it seems to be bothering her, I reach down, gather it all up in my hands and hold it back for her as I watch her do her work. She puts it in her mouth as far as it can go, tightens her lips around it and drags her lips off it as she takes it back out. I'm actually trying to last more than an hour tonight so she has to stop. I lean up so she'll catch the drift. She plants a kiss on the tip of it and stops. I force her lips up to mine and start kissing her, just to tell her that I appreciate what she just did. As usual, she puts her arms around my neck and kisses me back. She pushes her chest against mine and forces me down flat against the bed.

I lie down and pull her with me. She brings her legs over so she's straddling me again and our sexes are meeting one another. She puts one of her hands on my shoulder and reaches down and wraps the other one around me. I don't know if it's going to hurt her this time around or not, so I want to be the one to gauge it. I tap her hand with mine and she gets the idea. She moves her hand away and I replace hers with mine. I hold myself and she lifts her hips up just enough for me to put it in. I put the tip in and when she doesn't seem like she's the least bit uncomfortable, I take my hand away and let her go from there. I already forgot how good she is. I forgot how tight and wet she gets. She puts her hands on my shoulders to brace herself and when she slides all the way down on it, I have to close my eyes and think about something else. I'm really trying to last longer tonight. I can't think about how good she is because if I think about it, I'm going to bust within like fifteen minutes.

She comes all the way down on it so it's all the way in. I put my hands on her hips so I can guide her because she said she's never done this before, so I'll help her. But I don't think she needs my help. She starts out slow but I can tell that she's definitely not afraid to do it. She puts her hands on my chest to brace herself and literally, she just goes crazy. I grab onto her hips and squeeze them, not because I'm trying to guide her or help her but because I need something to bear with this. She's bouncing up and down and taking it so deep that there are literally no parts left on the outside. I grip her hips and dig my fingernails in, but they don't stay because she's busy moving so fast. I think I might've broken skin on her hips but if I did, she doesn't seem like it hurts. She's riding me from base to tip and I throw my head back and gnash my teeth together. I don't ever make hardcore noises while I'm having sex but she's going to make me say _something_. She stops bouncing and sits still while it's all the way inside her. I reach up and grab her boobs and she starts rocking back and forth. There's NO possible way she's never done this before. Her hands are flat against my chest and she's rocking back and forth so fast that the headboard of our bed is banging against the wall. She's looking down at me with the sexiest, lustful look on her face. I reach up, move her hair out of the way and put my hand against her cheek.

She stops rocking and leans down to me. Our lips meet and we kiss deeply. I put my arms around her waist because I think she's done riding me and if she's done then I'm going to switch positions with her when we're done kissing. She massages her tongue against mine, rests her hands flat against the bed in the spaces between my head and my shoulders and just when I was sure that she was done, she starts to kiss my neck and while she's kissing my neck, she stars moving her hips in a circular motion. "Uhh…" An unexpected groan comes out of my mouth. I can usually control myself during sex but she just started riding me like that out of nowhere and it's good. She keeps her face burrowed in my neck and instead of the circles she was just doing, she starts bouncing her hips—and only her hips—up and down. I take my arms from around her waist and put my hands on her ass. I grip her ass and pull it upwards so every time she comes down on my erection, it's going in as deep as it can possibly go. I'm about two or three minutes away from busting. I turn my head and kiss her neck. I lock my arms around her waist to stop her from riding me anymore. She has to stop. If this was just supposed to be a quickie, I would let her ride me until I cum but I can't do that because I don't want this to be a quickie.

Never pulling out, I keep my arms around her waist to support her but I put her down so she's lying flat on the bed and I'm on top of her. She willingly pulls me down and starts kissing me. While she's kissing me, I slide my hands down to the backs of her legs. I force them apart as wide as they'll go and I prop myself up on my knees. She's lying flat, towards the edge of the bed and I'm standing on my knees in front of her, but I'm inside of her still. I put my hands on her knees so her legs stay open as wide as the currently are. She reaches up and starts moving her hair so I take the momentary lapse on her part and start thrusting so hard that she moves up, further towards the edge of the bed. "Ahhh!" She moans and immediately, her hands fall from around her hair. I grip her legs to brace myself and thrust just as hard again. She moves up towards the edge of the bed again and her boobs jiggle as well. I look down to make sure I'm going in there deep. I pull it back out far enough until I see the tip starting to come out. Once I see the tip, I shove it back in so hard that she's almost to the edge of the bed. I love seeing that she's gripping the sheets; I find it sexy. "Mmmm…" I lean down and kiss the crevice between her boobs. I think she got the point that I'm trying to force her off the bed. I'm not using this bed tonight. She needs to know that sex is supposed to be spontaneous. The best sex is sex that's done in crazy places. I lie flat against her and just like I knew she would, she wraps her legs around my waist. I smuggle my hands up underneath her ass so I can hold her. I slide towards the side of the bed until my feet touch the ground and I stand up, picking her up with me. "Don't drop me…" She whispers in my ear and wraps her arms around my neck like she's holding on for dear life.

"I'm not gonna drop you." I kiss her on her lips after I reassure her and hook my arms in the creases of her legs, where her knees bend. I flex my muscles so I have a good hold on her. I think she thinks I'm taking her somewhere else; like to the bathroom or something. I don't think she realizes that we're not going anywhere and I'm about to fuck her while we're standing up. "You gotta lemme go." I mumble to her. She nervously takes her arms from around my neck and when she does that, I tighten the grip I have around her legs and start pushing her on and off. I don't think she trusts me enough to let me do this to her because she wraps her arms around my neck again. _Okay, I get it. She's scared because she's never done this before. _Since she seems to be a bit nervous about this, I move my arms from around her legs to around her waist and squeeze her so she feels more secure. I take two steps over towards the wall and put her back against the wall. _I wouldn't drop her. I'd let myself hit the ground before I let her hit the ground. But she's scared and that's fine. _I put my hands against the wall and start moving my hips from side to side so she'll open her legs again.

She opens her legs for me and I tuck my face in the crook of her neck and start pumping her in and out against the wall. I take it slow at first just so she feels secure with me. "Uhh…" Her arms fall from around my neck and her hands rest on my shoulders. I hold one of her legs up with one of my arms and go harder. Her nails dig into my shoulder and she moans louder in my ear. I kiss her neck and pin her against the wall by her arms. I force my mouth to hers and while I'm holding her up by her arms, I start pumping her so hard that we're making loud, bumping noises against the wall but I don't care. She's breathing hard and fast and moaning in between taking breaths. "A…Alexx…." She digs her nails in deeper. "Alex!" I think she's close so I might as well close this off. I thought about rushing through a bunch of positions tonight just to show her what she's been missing but now I kind of realize that there's no reason for me to do that. I still have time to fuck her in the shower, in a Jacuzzi, in a pool. I still have time to do things I want to do with her. She seems like she's tiring out so I might as well start ending this.

I pull it out and kiss her on her cheek. She's breathing heavy and her legs are weak, so I grab her arms and guide her down to the floor. She catches my drift and stands on her knees. I get behind her, kiss her lips to let her know that I'm still here and wrap my arms around her waist. She closes her eyes as we're kissing and I push her down towards the floor. She catches herself on her hands. I hold myself and put it in from the back. I put my hands around her hips and pull her towards me. She arches her back like it's a natural thing and puts her head down. I reach forward, grab onto her hair and pull her toward me. I put my free hand in the arch of her back and start going faster. She's trying to grab onto the carpet but of course, she can't. "Oh my god…yes…" She puts her head back down and moans so loud that the entire room is full of her pleasure and I can't help but smirk. I let her hair go and put both my hands on her hips. I grip her hips tight and start pulling her towards me while I thrust forward. "Oh my god! Oh….god…oh my god, Alex…" Just like the first time, I feel her walls tighten which signals to me that she got hers so I can go ahead and pull out now. I take it out and bust on her lower back.

It still wasn't the best I could've made it but I think she gets the picture now that sex isn't as boring as it used to be for her.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"…Alex?" My voice comes out in something that sounds like a frog's croak. I'm hoarse from moaning and screaming so loud and I'm exhausted from a long day of having fun and two hours of having sex with him. It's almost two in the morning and I'm having the hardest time falling asleep, even though I'm tired as hell. He's sitting up in the bed watching Three's Company while I'm lying on his chest. My head is on his chest and my leg is draped over his and his arm is around me. I like the way his heart sounds when it's beating and not to mention, he smells really good. "Can I stay with you in California until I have to leave?" I close my eyes and feel myself falling asleep. I'm already feeling like I got hit by a freight train so I can only imagine how sore I'm going to be when I wake up tomorrow morning. The sex was amazing, please don't get me wrong. But he bent my legs like I'm some sort of pretzel and the positions were so crazy tonight. My body aches and not to mention, I have brush-burns from the carpet on my knees. I feel like crap. "…Maybe you can just…" My voice trails off because I'm actively falling asleep. "…Come to Boston…"

"Go to sleep Jo…we'll talk in the morning." He pulls the covers up over my body and puts his arm tighter around me. I really wish I could stop thinking about the decision I have to make but I can't. He just makes it so hard to even fathom leaving him. He takes me on amazing dates, tells me he loves me, gives me amazing sex…and I'm supposed to just up and leave him after this? I believe him when he says that he loves me. I didn't believe him at first but I believe it now. After we had sex, I literally couldn't pick myself up off the ground because I was so tired. But he did it. He picked me up and put me on the bed. He went over to the hot tub and ran some water for me. He put bubbles in the water and he put me in the bath. He got in with me but he washed me up, kissing me with every single movement. And he helped me put on my pajamas and he rubbed lotion on my brush-burns. He put me in bed and he's making sure I get some rest. I really believe him when he says he loves me. "Goodnight Jo." He kisses me on my forehead.

"_Hello." I try to make my voice sound as fake and friendly as possible. I really don't ever like putting myself in awkward positions like this because I'm seriously a socially retarded person, but I just keep reminding myself that it's just for a job. "I…saw." I bite my lip and try to get my nerves under control. He doesn't even seem to be paying attention to me, which I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing really. He's either ignoring everything I'm saying which is bad or he's just not looking at me which is good because I'm nervous to be here anyway. "I saw in the window that you're hiring cashiers…I was just wondering if the application is online or if it's in-store." He keeps counting through one dollar bills like he's too busy to listen to me. I don't know why I'm busting my ass for a job at a hardware store. I have a college degree from Princeton University. I mean granted, there's not much I can do with just a lousy degree in Biochemistry but still. _

"_The application's in-store." He mumbles and puts down the stack of money he was counting. He reaches underneath the counter, produces a paper and slides it across the counter at me. His fingernails are dirty and his hands are greasy. The grease rubbed off on the application and I tune my nose up just a bit. "Here." He mumbles and goes right back to counting but this time, he's counting five dollar bills._

"_Thank you…do you have an ink pen I can borrow?" I ask. He stops counting again, tosses a pen at me and goes back to it. I look down at the application then back at him. "Thanks." He looks dirty, like he's been working underneath of a car all day. But I guess he's kind of attractive just a little bit. He has big, broad muscles that he's showing off by wearing a grease-stained, white tank top. His dark brown hair is greasy looking as well and when he looked up at me, I could see that his eyes had a greenish tinge to them. He's not bad looking. I slide the application over to a free spot on the counter and start filling it out. _

"_Don't you live in the shitty apartment upstairs?" He grumbles._

"…_Uh…yeah." I nod my head and put down the pen. I wrinkle my brow at him just a little bit though. I think I recognize him. He's the guy that owns my "shitty apartment." He looks different from the last time I saw him, that's for sure. The last time I saw him, he had on nice clean clothes and his hair was clean and his face wasn't so scruffy. "Aren't you my landlord?" I ask._

"_Yeah." He mumbles. "…What's your resume like?" _

"_My res…" I put my purse up on the table and sift through it to find my resume. It's in my purse somewhere._

"_I didn't ask you to give me one, I just asked you to explain it…geez." He rolls his eyes at me like he's dismissing me as some kind of nuisance._

"_Oh, I just…." I tuck my hair behind my ear and sigh. "I…just graduated college. But I used to work as…I was a cashier and a bagger once. And I've bartended and waitressed. And I used to work at a sandwich shop. I… I worked at a daycare for like two weeks too. I've worked many jobs before."_

"_What are your hours like?"_

"_I can work whenever, really. I don't have any obligations…I don't have children, I don't go to school anymore…"_

"_Eight in the morning 'til three thirty in the afternoon?"_

"_That's fine…I can definitely do that."_

"_Show up at eight tomorrow morning."_

"…_I'm hired?" I raise my eyebrow._

"_What do you, want me to spell it for you?"_

"_No sir…thank you." I shake my head. It really wouldn't kill him to be nicer, would it? Maybe he just had a bad day or something because he seems like he's in a crappy mood. Yeah, maybe it's just a one day thing. Nobody's ever in that crappy of a mood for no reason. "…Is there anything specific I should wear tomorrow?"_

"_What size shirt do you need?"_

"_A small…"_

"_I'll get you a shirt tomorrow. Wear jeans or something."_

"_Okay and…how much…what's the pay-period like?" I put my hands in my pockets._

"_Jesus, you ask too many questions. Just shut the hell up. Do you want the job or not?"_

"_Sorry?" I roll my eyes at him. I'll be looking for a new job soon it seems. I'm not working for this asshole. I can see it now. He's gonna say something to piss me off and I'm going to end up getting smart with him or slapping the shit out of him and it's going to be bad. I'll be looking for a new job. _

_I don't need to work at Jimmy's for an asshole like him to be my boss._

* * *

**A/N:** So since I want to do a couple time jumps in this story, I have it going at a pace where they'll be in California by chapter 40 at the most. I don't anticipate this story being any longer than 60-65 chapters, maybe it'll be shorter.

Also, if you've been following my tumblr then you know that i've been getting requests to write a story using real life characters. if you haven't been following my tumblr then you guys should know that i've gotten a BUNCH of asks about possibly writing a Justin/Camilla story. i'm not completely against the idea and i'm heavily considering it. i'm very hesitant to write a story about that though, for obvious reasons. i know there are a bunch of real life fanfiction stories out there and i'd just be one person joining the trend, but i see this as a touchy subject. if you guys would want to read something like that, i wouldn't have an issue writing it and i do have a storyline i have planned out, if a Justin/Camilla story is something you guys would be interested in.

So a few questions for you guys, 1. would you be interested in reading something like that? 2. if i were to write it, do you guys think it'd be best to put it on tumblr instead of publishing it here on fanfiction? 3. or are you guys against it for the same reasons i am?

if you guys have any questions about this, you can pm me, leave the questions in reviews or you can leave them in my ask on tumblr. i'll answer everything and i'm open to all opinions, whether you're for it or against it.

if i dont write it then i have a bunch of jolex ideas i can write on for my next story. i'm just wondering how many people are actually interested in reading a story like that, that's all. so thanks :)

-flawlesspeasant.


	33. Soft Spot

"I thought we were stopping in Tucson…" I wonder aloud as my eyes fall on a yellow sign with red lettering that reads, "Welcome to Flagstaff." It's crazy how different from Colorado Arizona is. Colorado is mountainous, high and rocky. Arizona is the polar opposite. It's arid, humid, flat and very dry. We've been driving on this highway for miles now and it's nothing but smoothly paved, flat black road. There are trees every which way we look but the trees are the only variation we get from flat area. The sun is shining and there's not a cloud in sight to take the intensity away. The temperature system on the dashboard of his car says that it's 96 degrees outside. I wouldn't know what a toasty 96 degrees feels like because of course, I'm in the car and our windows are up while the air conditioning unit keeps us cool. When I see that the clock on the dashboard reads 6:32 p.m., I'm just a little bit confused. Time doesn't lie so obviously we really must've been driving for eight hours straight but it doesn't seem like we have been. "That sign did say Flagstaff…didn't it?"

"If we didn't start driving so late this morning, we could've gone straight to Tucson. But we got a late start. A pit stop in Flagstaff won't hurt." His voice is kind of stale and he sounds really tired. Some part of me just wants to make him pull over so I can hold him while he takes a nap. He didn't fall asleep until after I fell asleep last night and I fell asleep around two thirty in the morning which means he probably fell asleep around three or three thirty. We started driving at eight in the morning and we stopped for breakfast at McDonald's along the way. He needs to go to sleep. He's always so worried about whether I'm sleeping or not. Well now the tables have turned. I'm worried about whether or not he's getting enough sleep since he's the one driving after all. "There's a…" He's interrupted by a loud, menacing yawn which makes my heart break even more for the fact that he's sleepy and still driving. "Mall right next to the Hampton." He finishes his sentence. "We can stop at the mall before we get settled in the hotel. What do you think?"

"I think you're sleepy." I slide my hand across the way and rest it on his thigh. "We don't need to go to the mall, Alex. We can go to the mall whenever. You need to take a bath, get some food in your belly and rest up. You didn't get enough sleep last night and you know you didn't. The mall can wait." I squeeze his thigh with loving tension and look over at him. I can see the bags underneath his eyes and the exhaustion written all over his face. "Why don't we just get to the hotel and rest for the night? You said the hotel we're staying in has a guest laundromat, right? You just rest up in the room and I'll wash our clothes. Our clothes are piling up. Let's just rest for the night…okay?"

"I told you we're going to Big Surf tomorrow. It opens at 10:00 in the morning and we're gonna go around 11. So we have to go to the mall tonight, at least. I'm fine Jo. I told you to stop worrying about me." Off to the side of the road, there's a sign that says "Flagstaff Village Mall 2.5 miles" and he makes the turn to go off in the direction that'll lead us to the mall, which makes me roll my eyes. He's so stubborn that he drives me nuts. There is no arguing with Alex though, that's for damn sure. "And we can grab a bite to eat at the food court instead of constantly eating hotel food all the time. You can wash clothes when we get home from the waterpark tomorrow Jo, it's not gonna kill you to go one more night without clean clothes." I scoff and take my hand off his leg. He's annoying the crap out of me. _Why is it that…when he feels like something is better for me, I have to do it? If he tells me to lie down and go to sleep or if he tells me to sit back and shut up about something, I have to do it? But the second I feel like something might be better for him, he bucks me? _"What did I do now?" He circles around the parking lot of the mall to find somewhere to park.

"You irritate the hell outta me, that's what." I fold my arms across my chest and look out the window. "Has it ever occurred to you that sometimes I know what the hell I'm talking about? I'm your girlfriend now, Alex…" He rolls his eyes when I say that. "Don't roll your eyes at me. I'll get out this car right now and walk to the hotel. Don't roll your eyes at me when I'm talking to you." I feel myself getting angry so I take a deep breath and settle my nerves. "You act like it doesn't even matter what I have to say about a situation and then you paint me to be the bad guy here. Put yourself in my shoes. I look over and I see my boyfriend with bags under his eyes, looking like a zombie and I see that he's tired beyond belief. So I'm trying to tell him that we should go back to the hotel so he can sleep but he acts like he doesn't care about what I have to say. But every time you tell me to do something, I do it. Just give me the same respect. Sometimes I know what I'm talking about…"

He sighs. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you." He parks his car in an empty space and turns to face me. "I'm sorry. But I'm fine Jo, I am. I'm tired but I'll be alright. I'm okay to go walk around the mall for an hour or two. I'm okay." He reaches over and grabs my hands. "Don't be mad at me. I respect your opinions on things, I do. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." I still don't look at him. I pretend like whatever's outside of my window is more important. "Don't be mad at me…I'm sorry." He kisses my hands. "What do you want me to do? You want me to get on my knees and beg you to forgive me? You want me to grovel? You want me to write it on the skyline? Cry about it? Tell me whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. I'll get naked, paint myself red and set off dynamite if it'll make you happy."

I crack a smile and finally turn my head to look at him. "…I'd like to see you get naked and paint yourself red, that'd be nice to see." He narrows his eyes at me and gives me that "shut up" look. I tuck my hair behind my ear and grab onto the door handle. "Come on…let's get this over with so you can go lie down somewhere. You really do look like crap. You have bags under your eyes and your face looks like you belong in a morgue…the quicker we get in, the quicker we can get out. I can't be seen with someone ugly as my boyfriend. It'll…damage my reputation." Before he can say anything back to me, I get out of the car and shut the door.

"Yeah?!" He gets out of the car as well and the sound of his yelling at me is amplified due to the fact that we're standing in the middle of a parking garage and everything is echoed. It's good that we're the only two people in this garage right now, otherwise people would probably be looking at us like we're crazy. "And what do you, think you're a model? If I'm ugly, you're ugly just for being with me." He shuts his car door as well and the alarm on the car beeps twice to signify that he locked the doors.

"That means I'm with you because I feel sorry for you." I lean against the car and crack a playful smile. "I mean really…you think I'd be with someone like you if I didn't pity you? I wouldn't have even looked twice if you didn't have deep pockets. You're not my type and I'm WAY out of your league. You're all old…and disgusting. Face it…you're my sugar daddy."

"Oh, is that what I am?" He's squinting at me with the goofy smile that I love.

"Totally." I nod my head. "I mean…this is just beautiful for me, isn't it? I get my education paid for and all I have to do is suck you off for a couple minutes? I lie on my back and let you screw me and I get expensive dates and a new phone? And food?" I raise my eyebrow up. "I'm just with you 'cause you're rich."

"That makes you my prostitute." He leans against the car too so we're exactly across from one another. "I dunno about you, but I'd rather be the old pimp than the young slut."

I hold back laughter so I can remain serious but it's so hard. "You better watch who you're talking to, you old dinosaur. You're gonna need me when you're old and in a wheelchair…when you're at my graduation clapping with oatmeal dripping down your chin."

"If you want to make it to that graduation without being a poor med student, you better get on your knees and work for your money." He bites his lip as if he's trying to hold back laughter as well.

"Oh, while we're in the mall, remind me to pick up some Viagra for you… you had a tough time getting it up last night." I purse my lips together. "Boom…roasted." I turn around and start walking towards the entrance of the mall. I walk a couple yards away from the car before I turn around and see that he's still standing at the car, staring at me. "Am I moving too fast for you, old man? Are you gonna break your hip if you try to catch up?" I start walking backwards. I love this feeling. I can't explain it easily but it's like…it's like I finally feel alive. Like I've been dead for the last 23 years and I finally just started living. Laughing and smiling with him is so natural. It's not forced and it's the easiest thing I've ever had to do. It feels like I was meant to laugh and play around with him. I love this incredible feeling. I blow a teasing kiss at him and he finally takes his hands off the hood of the car and starts running at me. I squeal, turn around, steady myself and start running too. He catches up to me within a matter of seconds and slaps my butt really hard. "Ow, Alex!" I can't stop laughing though. My stomach muscles already hurt.

"Say you're sorry!" As if he's apologizing for slapping my butt, he rubs it after he slaps it then puts his hands on my waist. "Say sorry." He demands. I shake my head and try to get out of his grasp but he squeezes my waist and starts blowing on my neck because he knows that blowing on my neck drives me insane because it tickles. I put my hands on his face to push him away but he's so strong that it doesn't do anything. "Say you're sorry. Say 'sorry for making fun of you, Alex'." I shake my head again, still laughing hysterically. Like I'm a sack of feathers to him, he scoops me up off my feet and starts running with me in his arms. "I'm not putting you down until you apologize to me. We'll just be walking through this mall like this."

"You owe me an apology too!" I start wiggling back and forth against his chest and he puts me down. "I'm sorry for making fun of you, Alex." I say it like he forced me to, with no meaning and nothing but a smile on my face. "I'm sorry that you couldn't get it up last night and I'm sorry for repeating it now."

"You know I don't have a problem with that." His hands are still around my waist and he's holding me like he's not even interested in letting me go. He rests his forehead against mine and we look each other in the eye. Every time he looks me in my eye, I swear I melt a little more each time. He leans forward like he's about to kiss me but I pull my face back just a little bit, teasing him. He just looks at me again and I poke my lip out to him. Since we have so much…so much chemistry and connection with one another, he knows what I'm trying to say by poking out my lip. "Sorry for calling you my prostitute. And sorry that you couldn't last longer than one round last night." I narrow my eyes at him and stick my tongue out. Like the weirdo he is, he leans forward and puts his lips against my tongue. I shake my head, put my tongue in my mouth and kiss him like I accept his apology. "…Come on." He pulls his lips away from mine and slips his hand into mine. I lock our fingers together as we start to walk.

I really like how we both know that we love each other. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me. We said it once and we don't need to say it again. I like how we don't have to keep saying it and saying it in order to believe it. We said it that one time and that's it. He doesn't need to hear me say it again and I don't need to hear him say it again. His actions tell me. With every little thing he does, he's telling me that he loves me. If he said it once and he kept saying it after that, I feel like it would lose it's specialness. The fact that he said it once and meant it makes it special to me. I feel the same about myself as well. If I keep telling him I love him, it's only a matter of time before it loses it's meaning. So for that reason, I like how neither one of us feel the need to keep stressing it. And I don't know about anybody else, but I think that kind of love is more beautiful than any other kind of love. The kind of love where you know it and the other person knows it so you don't have to keep saying it? That kind of love is beautiful.

The automatic glass doors part and spit us out into the mall atmosphere. I can count on one hand how many times I've been to a mall before and all the malls I've ever gone to have never been as beautiful as this mall. Dead in the center of the mall when we first walk in, I see nothing but a gigantic water fountain. It has to be about fifty or so feet tall and the water it's spitting up into the air is so blue that it looks like blue toilet water. The air around us smells heavily of chlorine, probably because of the fountain. It's loud in here from the busy chatter of people walking all around but I can still hear department store music playing overhead. "Where are we going first?" I ask him. I also love the feeling of his thumb nonchalantly rubbing against my knuckles as if he's cherishing the fact that we're holding hands. He spots a directory right beside the entrance and he starts walking over to it so I walk too. I can't tell what he's looking for so I just wait. "Alex?" I call his name just to see if he's paying attention to me.

"…American Eagle. They have good bathing suits." He stops looking at the map and turns around in face of an escalator. That's another thing I like about him. He just takes directions so well. A lot of the time in the car, he's able to just shut off his GPS and he knows exactly where to go. He can look at something once and just memorize where to go. I like that he has a good sense of direction. "It's on the second floor, right next to JC Penney. Come on." He lets go of my hand and grabs onto my wrist instead. He strokes my wrist with his thumb in place of my knuckles and leads me to an escalator. We step on at the same time and it starts taking us up to the next floor. While we're rapidly inclining, I look down at the stores on the floor below us. "You can get your suit in American Eagle if you find one you like or we can go to that…um…Victoria's Secret..."

"I don't need a Victoria's Secret bathing suit. I don't even own Victoria's Secret underwear." The escalator lets us off at the second floor and we resume holding hands while we walk. "I just want to find myself a nice, cheap little one-piece. It doesn't have to be expensive and it doesn't have to be fancy." He starts leading me in the direction of the American Eagle store and I follow him.

"No one-piece." He pulls me closer to him and squeezes my hand. "I wanna see you in a bikini, what's wrong with that?"

"I don't wear bikinis. I don't have a bikini body." We near closer and closer to the store and he starts to laugh. "What's funny?"

"Nothing…" He drops my hand and puts his arm around me. I know there are people everywhere in this mall and we're just two of a billion in here but I don't feel like there's anybody else around. I feel like it's only me and him and that's all it has to be in this entire world for all I care. "You're wearing a bikini though. So everyone at that waterpark can see how hot my girlfriend is. They'll be staring at you and I'll be all smug because they want you and I get to tap it every night. Plus…you'll gimme something to fantasize about all day tomorrow." He pulls me closer again and puts his lips to my temple as we enter the store. There are a bunch of people in this store of course but it's so much quieter in here than it is in the main parts of the mall. "Go find something you like. I'll be over in the men's section." I nod my head twice and stroke his arm one last time before he goes off in his own direction. I watch him as he disappears around a corner into the men's section.

I take a deep breath and smooth my hair back away from my face. He wants to see me in a bikini, that's fine. I'll wear a bikini for him. It's not that I'm too fat to wear one because I'm far from fat and that's the issue. I'm this skinny little nobody and I just don't think I look good in a bikini. Girls that look good in bikinis are those girls with their bellybuttons pierced, with the hourglass figure and the thick thighs, nice butts and big boobs. I'm skinny as heck. I'll probably look like the walking dead in a bikini. But if Alex thinks I'm hot enough to wear one then I'll wear one for him. I walk over to the women's section and look around. They have shorts, shirts, tank tops, flip flops, bathing suits. I walk over to the bathing suits. There's a really long rack of a bunch of bathing suits and they're all labelled according to size. I go over to the medium section because even though I'm sort of petite, I am a little thicker towards my middle so I'll need medium-sized bottoms. I file through the suits to find one that I like. I find one that's really bright and up my alley. It's a really bright, neon shade of orange and the base of it is solid so it's not see-through but there's a layer over it that's all made of lace. I like the color of it so I take it off the rack and walk back towards the small section to find the matching top part. The matching top is the same as the bottom. The base is solid fabric and the layer over the base is lacy. It's strapless which makes me kind of nervous but when I flip it over to the back, I see that there's something to adjust it and make sure it's tight enough against your skin so it doesn't fall. Alright, I found a bathing suit.

I drape my swimsuit over my arm and look around to see if Alex is at the checkout yet. He's not so I walk towards the men's section. I round the corner he disappeared around and see him. He has a black and red pair of swimming trunks in his hand and he's looking at sandals. I walk over and stand next to him. "Hey…" He greets me without even looking up from the shelf of sandals he's looking at. "What'd you find?" He picks up a pair of sandals, examines them then looks at me. Without any words, I hold up my bathing suit and show it to him. "..Hot." He smirks. "Did you see any accessories? Like…sunglasses or a pair of flip flops that you wanted?" I shake my head. "Alright… I'm gonna grab some big beach towels and some sunblock then we can get outta here." He walks towards the checkout. "You sure you don't want anything else?" I bite my lip. _He's offering… _

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go grab some shorts and something to put on over my suit…I'll be right back." I turn around and walk back to the women's section. I don't like spending his money but I do need a couple more things. I need a decent pair of shorts to wear to the park tomorrow because the only good pair I own are dirty from when he threw me in the pool at his mother's. And I don't know if I'll want to walk around in my bikini all day tomorrow so I'd better grab a loose tank top or something to throw over it. And I saw this pair of orange flip flops that match my swimsuit. He's offering so I might as well…right? I pick up a pair of size four shorts. They're light blue jeans with rips in the thighs and they're really short but it's hot in Arizona so they're appropriate. I pick up a white lace tank top and look at it. It's kind of skimpy but it's not like I'm not going to have anything underneath of it so I pick it up anyway. I snatch up the pair of flip flops I saw to match my suit and hurry over towards the checkout where he's standing. All of this things are bagged already and the guy that's ringing him up is standing there patiently waiting.

"Did you get everything?" He asks me. I nod my head and pile my stuff up on the counter as well. The guy starts ringing all of my things up and I grab onto Alex's hand. "You wanna go get your new phone after this? Or do you want to eat first?" I pick my head up and glare at him. "We talked about this…I need a reliable way to get in touch with you. Your phone's all cracked and busted. I'm getting you a new one whether you like it or not and the T-Mobile store is just two doors down. Don't fight me on this Jo." The cashier says something about our bill coming to fifty-something dollars and as if it's nothing, he swipes his card and the payment goes through. I don't know exactly how wealthy Alex is and I don't care. But he can't possibly be that rich, can he be? He's spending money left and right on this trip and he doesn't even flinch when he spends it. He has to be a few thousand deep by now with stopping for food, filling up the gas tank, buying me things, taking me on dates and paying for hotels. Not to mention, he coughed up five grand to pay Harvard and he booked me a plane. His pockets aren't that deep. They can't possibly be. Exactly how rich is he? I wouldn't dare ask him but I'd like to know if I'm dating a man that's just a little bit wealthy, a man that's well off or a man that's filthy freaking rich.

I grab the bags off the corner after the cashier hands him the receipt and start walking towards the exit. "After this, you're not spending any more money on me. I mean that." I wait up for him. He stuffs the receipt and his card into his back pocket and starts walking towards the cell phone store. "Now you're buying me things against my will and it's not fun anymore." He chuckles when I say that. "Alex, I'm serious! I know you said it doesn't matter but it matters to me that you're spending all this money. Your pockets can't be that deep…you have to be hurting by now. You're like…a good ten thousand in already and this trip isn't even over yet. You can't possibly have thousands of dollars to just blow on unnecessary stuff."

"You don't know what I got, Jo." He smirks at me and grabs my hand. "Now come on." He drags me into the cell phone store and I reluctantly follow. The guy that's working behind the counter looks goofy and nerdy and he's all happy to see us which means that business is slow. I look around at all the fancy cell phones on display as the guy asks Alex what he can help him with. "I need to buy a phone." He says. I look at this really big android phone and push a button on it. It looks really fancy and it's probably expensive as heck. He can buy me a new phone if he wants but I don't need one of these fancy phones. I'll take another iPhone 4. I liked my phone. It was little and it was slow but it did the job it needed to do. "I don't need a new plan and I don't need a SIM card or anything like that. I just need to buy a phone flat out. She has a SIM card already and she can just pop it into the new phone. Yeah, T-Mobile's her carrier." The guy tells us to go ahead and look around and I sigh. I walk over to the iPhone 4s. "See anything you like?" Alex puts his hand around my waist and looks with me.

"I just want my old phone. I'll take another iPhone 4. They're…" I glance at the prices. "They're $180 plus tax. I'll take one of these." I point of a black one, just like the black one I shattered by throwing it at the wall.

"…Why would you downgrade? At least get a 5 or a 5s…" He starts pointing at all the other iPhones on display. "You're getting a brand new phone Jo, why would you downgrade? You should upgrade. There's a reason why that phone's $180. It's shitty, that's why." He grabs my arm and pulls me over just a tad, to the newer versions. "You want what I got?" He asks and I nod my head fast. His phone is big and it's FANCY. I don't need one of those. He doesn't need to drop that kind of money on me. Nope. I'm not letting him. "Here, hold my phone…play with it. Tell me if you like it." He takes his phone out of his pocket and hands it to me. It's black and grey and it's one of those real new, real expensive iPhone 6 pluses. It's a nice phone and I could never even dream of affording one of these things but that's not the point. I'm not letting him buy it for me. It's $899. "You want one of these?" I shake my head. "Why? Is it too big for you? They have the plain iPhone 6 and not the 6 plus. The 6 is smaller." I just keep shaking my head. "…Jo, seriously. Come on. I'm not letting you walk out of this store with a shitty phone. So pick one. Get over yourself and pick one. I'm telling you that it's okay. Money isn't an issue. Pick a phone that you like and I'll get it." I start walking back towards the iPhone 4s. He told me to pick one I like. He grabs my arm and pulls me though. "Pick. A. Newer. Phone. Josephine. Elizabeth. Wilson." He talks to me through clenched teeth. I roll my eyes at him and look at the iPhone 6s. I guess the white iPhone 6 plus would be nice to have… I swallow my pride and point at the white and gold iPhone 6 plus. "You want this one?" He asks. I nod. He turns to the salesman. "I'll take a gold iPhone 6 plus, please." He rubs my back. "Pick out a case, too." I close my eyes and sigh.

The salesman nods his head at Alex and disappears through a door. I don't feel right about this. I can't keep accepting all of this. I don't want to turn into a spoiled bitch that gets whatever she wants from her boyfriend. I knew a couple of those girls back in college and I always swore to myself that I'd never be like them if I ever got a boyfriend. Now I've got this richy rich boyfriend that insists on buying me nice things. I really wish he wouldn't but he insists. I just don't want to be one of those girls…

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"When we get to the hotel, I want you to get in the shower first. I have to call my mom. She called me three times while we were in American Eagle but I texted her and told her I was busy. So you can shower first so I can call her back." I chew my mouthful of general tso's chicken and pick through the rice to get another piece. She hasn't spoken a word to me since we left the cell phone store. I don't think she's mad at me I think she's just uncomfortable. I know I made her uncomfortable but really, I bought her that phone for me. I need to have a reliable way to get in touch with her when she goes to Massachusetts and her old phone was far from reliable. I like how uncomfortable she gets when I spend money on her though. It just reassures me that she doesn't care. It just assures me that no matter how much she jokes around about me being her "sugar daddy", she could really care less about the fact that I have money. She's not a gold digger and she's genuine and that's one of the many reasons I fell in love with her. "You want a bite?" I offer her some of my Chinese but only because her cheesesteak hoagie looks good and I want a bite of hers. She puts her hoagie down and grabs my fork. When she grabs my fork, I grab the half of her hoagie that she was eating. She takes a big forkful of chicken and rice and shoves it in her mouth and I take a bite of her hoagie. "You like your new phone?" I ask her with my mouth full.

She nods her head and wipes her lips. "It's gonna be hard getting used to a bigger screen." She licks her lips and takes another bite of my Chinese food. I'm silently celebrating that she's talking to me again. Her voice still sounds flat and a little bit hostile but she's talking and that's all I can ask for. After her second bite, she pushes my plate back over and resumes eating her own food while putting contacts in her new phone. The salesman set it up for her. He took the SIM card out of her old phone and put it in her new one and transferred all her pictures. Her contacts couldn't transfer so she has to put them in herself but it doesn't look like it bothers her. I just watch her as she eats. I've never adored someone as much as I adore her. Everything she does is flawless in my eyes. When she eats, when she breathes, when she walks and talks. I'd do anything in this world for her. I don't think she knows that but she doesn't need to know that. I know that and that's all that matters.

She's just gorgeous. The way her hairline starts on her forehead to form baby-hair and flares out into her headful of beautiful, silky brunette locks. Her eyebrows are thin and they're perfectly curved and spaced out to fit her wide-set forehead. Her lips make a heart shape and they're so big and kissable. I don't like to pick favorites about her but if I had to pick one, it would have to be her beauty marks. She has one by her mouth that I kiss sometimes when she's asleep. She has them scattered about her chest and on her back. She has two of them on her butt and she has one on her inner thigh. And there's one just where her vagina starts…I've licked that one before. Maybe they're freckles—I don't know. I like to think of them as beauty marks though because God had to have known that he was creating something absolutely breathtaking when he made her. He must've taken his time with her because he made her perfectly. She looks up from her phone and that's when I break the concentration I had on her. I look back down at my food and act like I wasn't just admiring her beauty.

As I'm looking at my plate of food, I hear her gasp. It's real hard and loud too, like her breath just got taken away by something. I put my fork down and look up to see what the issue is. "Alex, look!" Her mouth is open and her eyes are so lit up. Her face looks like she's been so overjoyed that she might cry. "Look…."

"What? What am I looking at?" I trace her eyes and find that she's looking at the table behind us. I wipe my mouth and turn around to see. There's nothing behind us but a man and a woman with their kid. The woman gets up and walks towards the trashcan and leaves the man with the kid though. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be looking at. "What am I looking at, Jo?"

"The…baby." Her face is priceless. She looks like a seven year old kid that just saw Santa Claus. "Look at the baby…look how cute. Look how new it is… that's a fresh one." She's referring to the kid that the guy is holding. He's holding a very small baby. The baby has a purple pacifier stuck in her mouth. Her eyes are closed and the pacifier is bobbing pretty weakly but it's bobbing nonetheless. She has a little bit of dark brown hair on her head and she's about the size of a two-liter bottle of soda. She is pretty little, I must admit. The man that's holding her plants a kiss on her hairy head and Jo squeals. "Awww…" I look back at her instead of at the man holding the baby. Her hand is over her heart and she genuinely looks like she's going to cry. "She's still fresh…I've never seen one that new before. Look how precious…"

I smirk at her reaction. "You like babies, don't you?" She nods her head, her eyes still locked on the baby at the table behind us. "You really do like them…"

"I do." She finally stops staring. "I want one real bad…I mean, not one right now but I definitely want one. I want one of my own real bad." She pokes her lip out and looks at the baby one last time. "Sorry I just freaked out like that…I just have a soft-spot for little children. I worked in a daycare for like…two weeks and I loved it. I would've stayed if I hadn't gotten the job at Hooters. I don't know, I've always had a soft-spot for kids. Especially babies." She admits. I give her a questioning look and she nods. "I don't know…it's probably because… because I don't know…I… I was in foster care until I was ten. And then I found my 'forever family' is what they call it when you're a foster child. I got to see what it was like to be a kid in a family that loved you. I had a family but I didn't have one from the beginning and I just want a baby to love and stuff the way nobody ever loved me. I always knew I wanted to have a baby…and then I went to high school and a bunch of girls got pregnant at the drop of a hat but for me, it's gonna be hard…so I just know how precious babies are. I just have a soft spot for babies…"

"Why is it gonna be hard for you to have a baby? Don't you just …you know?"

"No…" She shakes her head. "I don't get my…womanly. I just don't get it. I mean, sometimes I get it but it's real irregular and sometimes it just doesn't even come. So I don't ovulate regularly. It's not impossible for me to get pregnant but the lady doctor always told me that I should play the lottery if I get pregnant without taking pills to make myself ovulate. That's why." She clears her throat. "Girls get pregnant at the drop of a hat and I can't just have sex and get pregnant like they can. So I guess maybe that's why I think babies are so precious." She rolls her eyes at herself. "I'm ranting. I'm sorry. I just have a soft-spot in my heart for babies. I love them."

"Don't be sorry…it's cute." I finish my last bite of food and sigh. I already know how she feels about wanting to get married to me and possibly have a baby to me someday. I already know that that's a goal of hers but it's not a goal of mine. It's not because I don't picture Jo as my wife or the mother of my children, it's because I know it's not possible. By the time she's ready to have a baby and settle down with someone, I'm going to be a little too old for her and I know that. I don't know if she'll want to have a baby with a guy that's seven years older than her. Realistically, she'll probably want someone her own age and I'm not getting any younger here. I always thought I'd have a wife and a kid on the way by now too, you know? I'm 30. I don't like to think about the age difference between me and Jo because I know it's probably never going to work between us. My mom and dad's age difference was similar to me and Jo's and look how they turned out. I can see myself being like pop. Having a baby with someone that's still young-minded. Then I'll get stuck raising the kid while she's out being a kid. And if I wait until Jo's ready to have a kid, I'll be too old for her probably. It's just not a realistic situation for me and Jo to get married and have a kid.

And I guess maybe that's why I like buying her stuff. Because someday, when I'm at that graduation and I meet the guy she decided to get engaged to or marry, I'll just look at her and I'll see the things I couldn't give her. I can give her clothes, food and a new phone. But I can't give her the life she wants.

And that hurts.


	34. Control Yourself

I pick our bags up out of the trunk and slam it shut. I lock my car up once we're finished and put our bags up on my shoulder. The parking lot is already full of cars and the park only opened an hour and a half ago. I don't think we could have picked a better day to come here. Right now, it's a toasty 89 degrees outside right now and it's only 11:30 in the morning. It's supposed to go up to 97 degrees this afternoon. The sky is clear and there isn't a cloud in sight to threaten the sunshine. Before I start walking towards the entrance, I look at Jo and wait for her to follow me. She's adjusting her shorts and her tank top and fixing her hair. She looks beautiful every day, but she really looks especially beautiful today. She has on tight blue jean shorts, so short that if they were just an inch shorter her butt would be hanging out the bottom of them. If any other girl had these shorts on, they wouldn't be able to pull them off without looking trashy. Somehow, Jo has them on and she still looks classy. The tank top she bought yesterday at the mall is see-through and it's made of heavy lace. She has on a pair of sunglasses and her hair is pulled back in a ponytail. She's incredible. "…You _can _swim, can't you?" When she's done fixing her clothes, we start walking towards the entrance.

"Well I'm shit outta luck if I can't, now aren't I?" She nudges me with her elbow as we walk and starts laughing. Her ponytail swings from side to side as she walks. "Yes, I can swim. But let's just say for argument's sake that I can't. Then I have to deal with you throwing me in pools and dragging me to waterparks. What if I couldn't swim?" She stops walking so fast and holds her hand out. I grab ahold of her hand and squeeze it tight. Just like when we were walking through the amusement park, she reaches across and holds onto my arm with her other hand while we walk. "It's a little late to be asking me after you already tossed me in a pool and dragged me to a place full of water, I'm just saying." She starts stroking her index finger up and down against my forearm and it feels good. I love it when she does this.

"Well if you can swim then my evil plan to drown you isn't gonna work out. Don't you get the drift? I've been trying to drown you for the last week and it's not working." She giggles and puts her head against my arm. I rub her knuckles with my thumb and kiss the top of her head as we near the exit. I'm honestly not much for the whole kissing and holding hands with a girl in public but like I've been saying for the last week, Jo's different. Not to mention, I have to give her up soon. These times are the last times I'll ever be able to kiss and cuddle her so even though this isn't really my personality, I don't mind doing it. "Do you want to get something to eat and drink before we start swimming or do you just want to swim first?" I don't think she's hungry considering the fact that we had French toast and scrambled eggs at the hotel for breakfast this morning before we left, but I'm still asking just in case she actually is hungry.

"I'm not hungry. We can just go swimming." She loosens up on me when we get to the entrance. The admission lady greets us when we get to the window and I can't help but feel a little bit bad for her. It's hot as hell outside today and she's sitting in a booth handing out wristbands. On the contrary, it seems nice inside her booth. I can feel the cool, air-conditioned air spilling out through the small crack and she has a small TV hanging up on the wall. Just to be friendly, I give her a slight smile as I reach in my pocket for my wallet. I slide a hundred dollar bill underneath the crack to pay for our admission and as she takes it, she smiles back at me but not in the friendly way I smiled at her, in a more flirtatious way. I'm not clueless and oblivious to things and I know when girls are flirting with me. I just hope she doesn't wave because my girlfriend will beat her up if she waves. Jo squeezes my hand to let me know she picked up on her smile. "…Baby, don't forget we have to pick up Becky from your mother's house when we leave here. I know it's our honeymoon and all, but I really miss our baby…" She puts her head on my arm again and I crack a half, toothless grin. Jo's so smart. She's so quick and she's slick and she's clever. She pulled that off the top of her head and I'm a sucker for her adlibs.

As soon as Jo implies that we're married with a child, the ticket lady immediately ceases all contact with me. She stops smiling, stops flirting and starts doing her job with swift quickness, as if she's trying to hurry up and get rid of us. "I won't forget, babe." I collect my change from the lady and grab our wristbands as well. The only reason I'm playing along with Jo's antics is because I know she'd like it if I did. If I don't play along I have a feeling that she'll get mad at me. "I miss her too." I tilt my head down and kiss her head just to let her know that I'm not going anywhere, no matter who flirts with me. Before we move along to actually get into the park, Jo flashes the ticket lady a rude smile, rolls her eyes and starts pulling me as she walks away. _Well it's an improvement from actually getting up to physically harm a girl that flirts with me. She's getting better. _She's pulling me with such force that my arm is starting to hurt though. "Ouch…Ow Jo, you can calm down now. You can calm down. She's gone."

She drops my arm and grinds her teeth together. She puts her hands on top of her head and walks around in a circle. "…Alright, I'm good." She shakes her head like she's clearing her thoughts. "I just don't understand why people feel like it's okay to flirt with you when I'm standing right here next to you. How disrespectful can you be?" She takes a breath and grunts when she exhales. "UGH!" She stomps her foot. "…I'm good, I'm good. "I know it's not supposed to bother me but it irritates the hell out of me like you wouldn't believe. Some people just lack manners. If I saw a man come in with a woman that he was holding hands with, I wouldn't even think to flirt with him. What's wrong with girls these days?" I just listen to her rant. I think it's cute when she rants because it's always a dead giveaway that she's upset when she rants. I remember back when we were first getting to know each other. I fired her from the job at the store and she started ranting while she was crying. I guess that's something about her that's unchanging. She rants when she's upset. "I shouldn't have to pretend like we're married just for people to leave you alone."

Maybe that's another reason why I like spoiling her with nice things. I wasn't the nicest guy to her back when we just barely knew each other. I used to be so mean to her and I really do regret it. I guess maybe I feel like that's another reason why I have to take care of her so well, because I'm still making it up to her. I grab her arm and pull her towards me. "At least you didn't threaten to beat her up. That's a step up for you." I lean down and kiss her on her lips. She gently smacks me on my butt to chastise me for saying that not threatening the girl is a step up. I put my arm around her and we start walking again. When we get to be close to the entrance gates, Jo takes the wristbands off me and grabs my wrist. I let her put mine on and when she's done, I put hers on. "Just tell me when you're ready to get outta here. We don't have to stay until closing." I let her know. Security men are standing next to metal detectors and I let her walk through first as I hand one of them our bags. Since she's done getting checked before I am, she grabs our bags off the security guard that checked them and she waits for me at the arch that officially lets us into the park. I let the security wand me down and when they're done, I join Jo.

"Where are we gonna put our stuff?" When I get to her, she starts walking through the arch. I walk close to her. I think she's trying to hide it but she's clearly excited to be here. I won't lie. I'm excited too. Ii haven't been to a waterpark since I was a teenager. I used to love swimming. I don't really like walking around wet all day anymore but it used to be one of my favorite things to do with pop. "Do they have lockers or somewhere we can put our bags?" She asks me. I nod the answer to her question and hold her hand as we officially enter the park. As soon as we walk in, the kiddy park is dead ahead. Little children and their parents are running around and giggling as they're splashing around in scaled-down baby slides and a baby pool. The smell in the air is crossed between the smell of food cooking and chlorine. Off to our immediate left is a series of blue and white pavilions that people are sitting under to get some shade and to our right is the dumping pool of a series of rainbow-colored racing slides. I squeeze Jo's hand because it's crowded in here and the thought of losing her amongst all these people scares me, not gonna lie. She's just looking around at everything and I've spotted locker rentals. I gently pull her off in the direction of the lockers.

I walk over to the machine that'll rent lockers and I read it. It's $12.50 to rent a locker for a day. I whip my credit card out of my wallet and put it in the locker machine. I punch my PIN number in so it can complete the transaction and when I'm done, it tells me that the code for our locker is the PIN number I used to complete the transaction and our locker number is number 28. "Gimme our stuff…" I find locker number 28 and open it up. It's a pretty decent sized locker. I thought for sure I'd have to rent two for each of our bags but it's big enough for both of ours to fit. Jo hands me both of our bags. Before I lock them up, I grab our beach towels out of them and hand them to her. "Gimme your phone too." I hold my hand out to her. She switches the towels to her other hand and puts her phone in my hand. I put my phone, her phone, my wallet, our bags and my sandals in the locker and I start taking off my tank top so I'll be in nothing but my trunks. As I start taking my shirt off, from the corner of my eye, I see her hesitate a little bit.

"Should I…like take this off now?" She questions me, looking around to make sure nobody else is watching. I shove my tank top in the locker with the rest of our stuff and wait for her. Slowly, she unbuttons her shorts and pulls down the zipper. She climbs out of her shorts and folds them up neatly. I take them and tuck them in the locker, back behind my sandals. She turns her back towards me and lifts her tank top up over her head. She folds that up too and hands it to me. _My girlfriend is so hot. _The bright orange color of her bathing suit really brings out the tone of her skin and it makes those sexy little beauty marks stand out. Her ass looks real good in her bathing suit bottoms and her legs are so sexy. I have the hottest girl on the planet and I'm not just saying that because she's my girl. I'm saying that because it's true. "..What are you looking at?" The tone of her voice is soft with hints of worry. She cowers her hands over her stomach. "Do I look disgusting? Please tell me if I do…"

"You look sexy." I lock our things up in the locker and put my arms around her waist. I kiss her on her cheek and slide my hands all over her sexy body. "I'm about to tell you to put your clothes back on; I don't want nobody lookin' at how sexy you are." I wrap my hands around her curves and move my lips to her neck. I know we're in public but my hands currently have a mind of their own. They travel from her waist down to her legs and back up to her chest. "Maybe you should only wear this for me…"

"You're just saying that." She forces my hands off her body. "I feel like I look disgusting. I don't have…" She looks down at her thighs. "I don't have a nice shape. I wanted to wear a one-piece for a reason…"

"You should never wear a one-piece. You should ONLY wear two-pieces." I grab both of her hands. "I think you're sexy and I'm all that matters. I mean, I'm willing to bet my life that at least a hundred guys will look at you but even if they don't, I'm still looking. I'm all that matters, right?" Instead of being sensual like I want to be with her, I press my lips to her cheek and kiss her lovingly. Seeing her in that bathing suit makes me want to take her to a bathroom. I'm convinced that my girlfriend is the sexiest woman on the planet and nobody can tell me otherwise because anybody else's opinion is irrelevant. She's sexy in her bathing suit and lord knows I want to take her to the bathroom for an hour. But she's really insecure. For some reason, Jo doesn't see herself for how beautiful she is and how sexy she is and it's not an act, either. She's seriously insecure. So even though I want to be nasty with her, I won't be. I kiss her cheek and rub the palm of my hand across her back. "I'm all that matters, right?" I ask her again. She nods her head this time and puts her arms around me in a hug. I kiss her cheek once more and she lets me go. "You ready?"

"Yep." She sighs and puts her hand in mine. She seems like she's in a better mood. I keep her close to me and we start walking out into the park again, away from the lockers. "Let's get in the wave pool first." She points over at a wooden sign that says "Monsoon Bay" and starts pulling me in that direction. "We should get in the pool before we get on a slide…so we can get used to the water." As much as I hate to admit it, I'm a slave to her. Whatever she wants, she gets. So if she's thinking wave pool, wave pool it is. She drops my hand and weaves through ropes that close off the pool from a grassy area where lawn chairs are resting. I follow behind her and she stands at the edge of the incline that leads down to the pool with her feet touching the outskirts of the crystal clear, blue water. The pool is really nice, by the way. It inclines until it leads into the deepest end of the pool, where a bunch of people are. Some people with small children are in the shallow end but the older people are mostly in the deep end. The pool is huge. There has to be about a couple hundred people in it right now but it's not even crowded because there's just enough room for everyone to be comfortable. She looks back at me with a smile on her face. "Are you coming?"

"I'm coming." I put our towels down on a vacant lawn chair and take a couple steps into the pool. The water is freezing so I take a couple steps back. All she sees is me take steps forward before she turns around and starts walking further into the pool. She didn't see me step back. When she decides to look back at me for the second time, she's already almost knee-deep. She stands there and just looks at me. I take another step into the water and just as I take a step, this loud, obnoxious, blaring horn noise fills the entire pool. People start flocking from the shallow end to the deep end while the noise sounds and Jo waves her hand at me. I guess that noise means the waves are starting soon. I bear with the coldness of the water and walk faster to catch up with her. She grabs my hand and starts dragging me towards the deep end. She seems excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. I like seeing her happy.

"You're moving too slow! Just…come find me." She lets my hand go again and makes her way towards the deeper end. I watch her very intently so I don't lose her. She jumps up and falls forward and next thing I know, she's underwater. Okay, I love the fact that she's such a free spirit. I love that she's not afraid of much and she's open to do anything. I really do love that about Jo. But there is such a thing as being too free and I'm panicking because I don't see her anymore. I push the water aside with my hands so I can make my way further into the deep end of the pool and the waves start. They're small at first just like I knew they would be so I have time to find her but I still don't see her. The waves start picking up rapidly. Back when I went to the wave pool with pop, he taught be a trick to fend off the waves when I don't want to be slammed by them. If you jump just as the wave is going to hit you, it'll break over you and the current won't carry you that far. So as a wave comes at me, I jump.

My heart is starting to beat really fast and panic has officially set in. I don't see her. I'm looking for her bright orange bathing suit or her long brown hair and I see nothing. The water's up to a little above my waist now, so I wade through it as best as I can. I'm as deep into the deep end as I can go without being taken under by the waves so I know she can't be any deeper than this right now. If she is, she had to have drowned. These waves are intense. "Jo?" I finally break down and call her name. I was trying to avoid calling her name because…I don't know, I guess the fact that I can't find her is a little more real now that I've called her name. My heart is beating five times as fast as it should be beating and all these scenarios are just playing in my head. What if she got taken under by the waves and she's hurt? She's beautiful, what if somebody grabbed her up? "Jo!" I call her name again as I push the thoughts from my head. If I'm going to find her, I can't let myself think of all the scary possibilities. I turn my back towards the waves so they break over me as I look around for a bright orange bathing suit or long brown hair.

What if she couldn't find me either? This pool is huge so what if she couldn't find me either and she got out for some reason? And what if she started wandering around the park in search of me because she thought I got out too? I think I'm going to cry, which is a pretty big deal. I don't usually get myself worked up and scared enough to the point where I could cry but I'm at that point right now. I don't see her. If she got out then I'm sitting here wasting time. If she got out, she could be anywhere in this park by now. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in hopes of calming myself down. I turn around and take one last look around to assure myself she's not in this pool anymore. No, I don't see her. I can spot Jo's beautiful brown hair and her petite body anywhere and I don't see her. I kick my foot inside the pool water as if that'll help get my frustration out and start walking towards the exit of the pool. "Where're you going?" As soon as I start walking, I hear her voice call out from behind me. I turn around so fast that the water splashes and sure enough, she's standing right in front of me. Her hair is flat and dripping wet all down her back and her long, pretty eyelashes are sticking together from being wet. "Why are you getting out?" She asks me.

_Alex, don't do it…don't do it. _I try to talk myself out of doing it before I do it but I can't. I fail miserably at trying to stop myself. The fact that I was getting ready to cry…how worried she made me…all because she couldn't resist me being slow so she HAD to let me go? All those emotions start running through my body and I feel myself snap. I lunge at her and grab her arm—hard. "WHERE WERE YOU?!" She gently tries pulling her arm away from me but I squeeze her arm tighter and pull her towards me. And just to ensure she doesn't pull away again, I grab her other arm as well. "JO, YOU HAD ME WORRIED SICK!" I squeeze her arms to tight that my fingertips dig into her skin and I shake her back and forth. "DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT TO ME! YOU HAD ME…" She's trying to pull away again so I squeeze her arms harder. Her eyes widen and she gasps and she really looks like she might cry. _You're hurting her…get off her, you're hurting her. _"You scared the hell out of me, Jo…do you understand that?" I slowly but surely loosen my grip.

"I'm sorry." Even though she's already soaking wet, I can very clearly see tears streaming down her cheeks. She looks around like she's checking to make sure nobody saw that. Her chest is pumping up and down pretty hard and her jaw is trembling. Her arms are getting redder by the second. "…Ow." I'm pretty familiar with all of Jo's looks. I know her face when she's happy, sad, excited, nervous, playful and scared. I know all of her emotions and I can read her like an open book. But I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realize that she's looking at me with absolute fear in her eyes. She turns her arm over and looks down at it. I see a tear roll of her cheek and drip down into the water. I feel sick. _What did you just do? _I lunge at her again but this time, I want to hold her so I can apologize. I know I've screwed up badly when she flinches. I lunge at her to hold her and she flinches and takes a step back from me. She's scared of me.

"Jo, I didn't—" I start my lengthy apology but I'm interrupted by her walking away. She wades through the water and walks away from me, towards the lawn chairs. I watch her as she walks away and see her rubbing her arms. "…Wait, Jo…" I walk after her. I don't know if any amount of apologizing can fix what I just did but I really hope so. I didn't mean to hurt her. I could throw up right now over the fact that she's clearly afraid of me. I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what the hell went through my brain. She walks out of the pool and over towards the lawn chair where I put our towels at and I follow her. "Jo, can you listen to me? I…I know you don't really owe me that, but I'm asking—begging you. Please listen…just listen. That's all I'm asking. Listen." She picks up her towel and wraps it around her body. She sits down on the chair and looks down at the ground like she's traumatized or something. "Are you listening?" I reach out to put my hand on her back but I remember how she flinched just a minute ago and I pull my hand back. "I don't know what just came over me. I don't know…where my head was at just a minute ago, but I'm sorry. I don't know what came over—"

"Fear….fear came over you." She shrugs her shoulders and sniffs. "It's my fault, Alex…" She shakes her head. "You're right…I had no business walking away from you. I…I could see you but obviously you couldn't see me. I…I saw you panicking but…I was having fun with the waves. I heard you calling my name but…" She sighs. "It was my fault. You were scared and that's all there is to it. I scared you. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm alright."

I narrow my eyes at her. "Are you kidding me?" I snatch up my towel and wrap it around her body in addition to her own towel. "Don't ever let me hear you say that again. You didn't deserve that. Yeah, you scared me…to death. I thought I lost you for a minute there but that's no excuse Jo. Don't ever let me hear you say that you deserve to be…grabbed up, hit, slapped, punched, kicked, yelled at….don't let me hear you say that." I sit down behind her on the lawn chair and put my arms around her shoulders. "I'm sorry. You don't apologize to me for anything that just happened. I'M sorry, you hear me?" She nods her head. "And don't be scared of me." I rest my chin on her shoulder and rub her body with the towel so she's warm and feels safe. "That won't happen again…I promise. I promise I won't let that happen again." I kiss her neck, right below her ear. "You trust me?" She nods. "That was a mistake…a serious mistake."

"I said don't beat yourself up about it. I am a little bit to blame. I was just being a big baby. Too excited over a wave pool to care about you calling my name. I heard you and I could see you so I just figured you could wait. I knew you were panicking." She leans her head back and it falls against my chest. "…But next time you put your hands on me… I'm going to beat….the SHIT out of you."

"Deal."

* * *

**A/N:** Hey guys...

Okay, so i know this chapter was a little bit crappy. it had no details about their date and it ended so crappily and i'm sorry about that. it's just that it's 3:00 in the morning where i'm from right now and i'm too tired to keep writing. i could've just updated this afternoon but i'd feel bad if i didn't update tonight, so i just decided to end it early and update it tonight. i did have more planned for this chapter and all but i'm just tired right now :(

i'll make you guys a deal though...

don't be too mad at me for this crappy update &amp; tomorrow's update will pick up right where this one left off. there will be more about their time at Big Surf, i'll clear up Jo's emotions on what just happened in this chapter and i'll just make it a really good update tomorrow, to make up for this crappy one. deal?


	35. Crazy

Have you ever had one of those moments where you know you're supposed to be upset but you can't remember what for? Someone gives you unsettling news and it puts you in a bad mood but seconds later, something else comes up and you forget all about your bad mood. But then you're stuck with that sinking feeling in your chest because you totally _are _in a bad mood, you just can't remember why you're in a bad mood. I'm having that situation right now. I'm not necessarily in a bad mood because I'm pissed off or irritated with something; I'm more so in a bad mood because I'm upset. Within the last twenty or so minutes, I've forgotten why I'm in a bad mood but subconsciously, I know I'm supposed to be in this bad mood. Maybe I forgot why I'm upset because I'm actually having a nice time right now. Granted, standing in a line full of 50 or so people while it's a scorching 90+ degrees outside isn't grounds for having a good time but I swear to it, I don't mind. I'm hot but I could be hotter. I'm actually pretty cool…probably due to the fact that my hair is dripping down my back and I'm still wet from the wave pool. The couple standing in front of us in line moves up one spot in line. I grab onto the railing of the steps we're standing on and climb up two steps to my new place in line. When I moved my arm to grab onto the railing, I was painfully reminded as to why I'm not in a great mood.

Just below my shoulders, my arms are sore and tight. They don't hurt whenever they're still but they hurt incredibly badly whenever I move them. Discreetly, I lift one up and turn my head to look at the bright red fingerprints imbedded in my skin. They haven't bruised yet but I know my skin and I know that nasty purple bruises are going to form. It's inevitable. I bruise easily anyway. Once I see that the redness hasn't gone away, I put my arm back down at my side and sigh. I know he didn't mean to do it, which is why I'm not mad at him. I'm still shocked that he did it, not gonna lie. I never expected Alex to hit me. I use the word "hit" lightly, by the way. It's not like he bawled his hand up in a fist and punched me or sprawled his hand flat and slapped me. It's not like I'm a girl whose boyfriend beats her because I'm not, let's get that straight right now. Alex doesn't hit women. So when I say "hit", I just say it because…well, I don't really know what else to call it. I am shocked that he did it, to say the very least. I think I'm more shocked over the fact that he really, really hurt me. I'm pretty tough if I do say so myself and I'm not just being a wimp when I say that he hurt me.

Before anybody writes me off as one of those dumb girls that just sits there and takes it when her boyfriend hits her, I'm not. I'm not one of those girls that thinks I deserved it, I'm not one of those girls that makes excuses and I'm not one of those girls that thinks it's okay. I know it's not okay for a guy to hit a girl, I know I don't deserve to be hit and I won't make excuses for what he did. But I will say that even though this is the second time Alex has sort of caused me to get hurt, both times weren't really his fault. The first time _really _wasn't his fault. It was just an accident—I fell over my own two feet and even though he contributed to me falling, he didn't directly cause me to fall into the dresser. That time truly wasn't his fault. This time was more his fault than the last time but even still, he didn't mean it this time. He was just scared and I get that. Fear makes people do irrational things and I have to say, if he scared me the way I scared him at the wave pool, I probably would've beat the crap out of him for scaring me. Being scared is no excuse but I get it and I'm not mad. I'm shocked, sure. But mad, I am not.

I'm mature enough to take responsibility for my actions though. I'm still not saying that I deserved to be "hit" by him but I am saying that what happened to me is somewhat my fault. I was in the deepest end of the wave pool because the waves were really intense down there and I liked to swim through them. I saw him from where I was at though. I saw him, I had my eye on him the entire time and I planned on swimming back over when the waves died down. Now, I did notice him getting a little perturbed. He was looking around and he seemed like he was lost but I still wanted to have fun in the waves. He called my name but I was still more interested in the waves. He started to walk away and that's when I decided to swim back to him. For a moment there, I think I was acting my age. I was being a big kid and I was so excited to be in a wave pool because I haven't been to a wave pool since I was a teenager. It was my fault for scaring him. Regardless, I'm not holding what he did against him and I'm not mad at him for it. People make mistakes, he's sorry, I know he's going to beat himself up about it and I'm fine. My arms hurt pretty badly but I'm not going to let my day get ruined.

The couple in front of us moves up in line again and I push through the pain in my arms to grab the railing as I scale the steps again. I hold the railing and peer over the ledge to see how high up we are already. This waterslide is huge, by the way. It's called "The Constrictor" and it's red and yellow. It's fully enclosed so I'm guessing the inside of the slide is dark and there are so many twists and turns in it that I can see myself puking when we get off of it. We have to be about two hundred feet off the ground already and there's still so many more steps for us to go up. Before I freak myself out over how high up we are right now, I stop looking over the ledge and I turn around to look at Alex. He's been trying to fake like he's alright with what happened at the pool but it's so apparent to me that he's beating himself up. He's been over-the-top nice to me and every so often, he'll randomly ask me if I'm okay. He feels so guilty that it's written all over his face but I'm not going to say anything about it because it's also clear to me that he doesn't want me to know just how upset with himself he is. "It's hot out here." I pick a conversation with him just to test the waters and see how he's doing. Last time I tried talking to him, he was unresponsive. He only communicated with me through grunts and nods. And just like last time, he nods his head. "But you're probably used to this hot weather, right?" I keep trying. "With a beach house in California…" He still doesn't say anything. I'll have to try a different tactic. "What's your house like? Should I be expecting…white sand beaches and blue water when I look out the front door?" He just shakes his head. "Then what's it like?" He shrugs his shoulders and scratches the back of his head.

I sigh and give up on trying to get him to talk to me. I'll try again in a little while. I turn back around and fold my arms as I wait for the line to move again. He's so frustrating sometimes. I get that he has issues with women that hurt him in the past but to be honest, I'm getting tired of convincing him that I'm not out to hurt him. It's like he just keeps expecting me to either give up on him, walk away or tell him that I don't want to be with him. He keeps expecting me to be this horrible person and it seems like when I start showing him that I'm not a horrible bitch that wants to break his heart, he starts pushing me away. He wants me to be mad at him for putting his hands on me but I'm not. I wish he'd stop waiting for the other shoe to drop because it's not going to drop with me. It's like he just thinks he's doomed to push me away. I don't know what it's going to take for him to realize that he's not going to get rid of me. He just grabbed me and shook me and I'm still here and I don't plan on going anywhere. If that's not enough for him then I don't know what's going to be enough. As I'm waiting for the line to move in silence, I feel his hand against my skin. He wraps his hand around my wrist and forces me to unfold my arms. I think he wants to hold my hand but of course, I'm proven to be wrong as he grabs my arm instead. He turns my arm and looks at the red marks he left.

I pull my arm out of his grasp and turn back around again. "Stop it." I turn my arm so the red mark is concealed again and he can't see it. He looks at me with those heart-melting green eyes and I feel like holding him in my arms. He's so upset with himself and it's clear. I imagine him giving his parents this kind of look back when he was a little boy. This look that says "I'm sorry, please don't punish me." His eyes are low, wide and honest and he looks like he might just let a tear slip. "I'm not going to let you walk around for the rest of the day looking like that. Alex, I'm not mad at you. Look at me…I'm not mad at you. I told you not to beat yourself up about it and I meant it. Stop walking around looking like you lost your best friend and stop making sure I'm okay. I'm telling you that I'm okay. It's a red mark, get over it. I have lots of 'em." I put my hand against my thigh and pinch myself. "Look, it's a red mark. Ouch. I'm okay though. Am I killing over and dying? Am I all of a sudden in a coffin because I have a red mark? No, I'm not. Get over yourself."

He blinks twice and looks down at the steel steps we're standing on. He puts his hands in the pockets of his swimming trunks and his shoulders droop. I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder but he shrugs me off. I ignore him and put my hand back. I squeeze his shoulder tight to tell him that I'm here. "…I messed up." He murmurs. I feel like somebody just took a sword and stabbed me right in my chest. I've never heard his voice sound like this before. He's about to make me cry just listening to him. He sounds like he's trying to hold himself together with glue and it's failing. There's nobody in line behind us so we're lucky that way, but even if there were people behind us, I wouldn't care. I take a step down from my spot and make it so I'm standing on the same step as he is. I wrap my sore arms around his body and force him to put his head on my shoulder. "I messed up Jo, I messed up…" He sniffs and it's not until then that I realize he's crying. This whole situation is…humbling, kind of. I've never seen him cry before. In my mind, Alex is the strongest person I know. He's physically muscular and mentally tough. He's so strong and in my mind, he's my…superhero. My knight in shining armor, my very own, personal superman. And I'm holding him in my arms while he's crying. He's my superman and he's crying. "It's not okay Jo…it's not okay…."

"But it is." I stroke my hands along his bare back and let him cry on my shoulder. I just can't believe he's crying. I know for a fact that Alex doesn't cry easily and he told me that he's only cried over two girls in his lifetime and those were his mother and his ex-girlfriend. Am I the third girl? Does this somehow make me special? Either way, I don't think I can handle him crying. Him crying is literally ripping my heart into shreds. "Alex, it's okay… If I wasn't okay, I would tell you. If I was mad at you, I would tell you. I'm not mad and I'm fine. I'm fine…you didn't mess up. You didn't mess anything up. I'm still standing here, aren't I? I'm here." I brush my hands through his wet hair. "You're making it a bigger deal than what it is. It's not a big deal. Please believe me when I say I'm fine. I'm okay. I don't want to keep dwelling on this. It's in the past and we can't change it. And it's not even that big of a deal. You didn't wail on me and you didn't draw blood. I'm not even mad at you for it. I'm not going to let you keep beating yourself up over it either. It's done. And it's okay because I'm TELLING you that it's okay." He sniffs again. "…Gimme kiss, okay?" I rub the back of his head. "Gimme kiss." He just nods but he doesn't pick his head up. I catch his drift. He doesn't want me to see his face while he's crying so he refuses to pick his head up. I respect what he wants and turn my head without looking at his face and put my lips to his. He kisses me hard as if he's saying sorry and I stroke his hair to let him know that I accept his apology. "We're not talking about this anymore. We agree on that?" He nods his head. "Okay."

I finally take my arms from around him and he immediately puts his hands over his face so he can wipe his eyes. I stand on my tiptoes and use my thumb to wipe a tear that he missed. So technically, I still haven't _seen _Alex cry. I've heard him cry and I've wiped his tears but I haven't actually seen the tears come out of his eyes. I kind of want to keep it that way. I didn't like what just happened one bit. I felt so helpless for a second there. I felt like there was nothing I could've done to keep him together and he just fell apart in my arms. I don't want to have to do that ever again. He grunts as if he's officially pulling himself together and he shakes his head when he takes his hands away from his face. I raise my eyebrows, facially asking him if he's okay. He nods his head and I believe him. I hold my hand out to him and he takes it. When he takes my hand, I start walking up all the steps we missed while I was comforting him. The line moved up quite a bit while we had our moment. We're nearly at the top now.

"I have a question." When we get to our respectful place in line, I turn around and address him again. I want to lighten the mood at bit. It's pretty heavy right now and I don't think it should be. After all, we're on a date. We shouldn't be in such foul moods. We should be happy…enjoying each other's company. He puts his hands on the railing and gives me his undivided attention. "…Why did you decide to use a pseudonym?" I put my hand against his and look over the railing again. "Why not just publish under your own name? Would it be so bad if you did? Just…look at Nicholas Sparks and Danielle Steele. They use their real names and they're still bestsellers." I've been wondering about his pseudonym since I found out that his name was Michael Evans. I just always figured that his books were a touchy subject so I never really wanted to bring it up but we need a conversation topic and this seems lighter than the heavy topic we just dealt with. "I guess there's a reason as to why you don't publish as yourself though…what is it?"

He cranes his neck over the railing and spits a wad of saliva into the grassy area below. I tune my nose up at how gross spitting is but I remind myself that he's a man and spitting is just something gross that men do. "I never really knew how successful my books would be. I anticipated success but…I never thought I'd get as big as I did." He shrugs his shoulders and I find comfort in the fact that his voice is back to normal again. "I just wanted to be safe, I guess. My dad was still around when I finished my first manuscript and he told me that I should prepare for fame but not expect it. And I thought it through. And I realized that I didn't really want to be famous, y'know?" He's looking out into the rest of the waterpark as we stand here. "I don't want to be asked for autographs everywhere I go and I don't want to do the book signings and stuff. I just want to write. I didn't want anything to take away from the joy I get outta writing. And I always worried that maybe once the fame hit, I'd like the fame too much and I'd continue writing just because I got famous from it. I want to write because I love writing, not because it gets me a fat paycheck. So to keep my normal life and not succumb to the fame, I created a fake name. I don't wanna enjoy writing for the wrong reasons, Jo. And besides… people like Michael Evans…people don't like Alex."

"So you think if you published as Alex Karev, people would treat you differently." I squeeze his hand. "For the record… I know them both…and I think they're both pretty amazing people." He turns his head and looks at me. I wink my eye at him and he smirks. "I think if you took the time and stopped showing the world Michael Evans and started showing them Alex Karev…I think they'd fall in love with both of them." He narrows his eyes at me with his smirk. "I do." I nudge him with my elbow. "I did." I smile at him. "I mean sure, Alex Karev was an asshole when I first met him but I fell in love with him and that's no easy task. So it's possible."

"No easy task, eh?" Underneath my hand, he overturns his hand and holds mine.

"It's not an easy task." I lick my lips and stand next to him and look out into the rest of the park like he was just doing. "Up until two weeks ago, I wasn't interested in anyone. I was one of those girls…who just cared about my job and getting the hell out of where I was. I didn't have time for a boyfriend and I wasn't interested in having one. And it's like…now there's you. Now I have someone to actually consider." I shrug my shoulders and look down at the ground below. "I mean up until two weeks ago, I didn't even have a friend. I was alone, living in my crappy apartment. Now I actually have a friend…someone to talk to that isn't my bear." I sigh just thinking about how pathetic my life actually was before Alex came into it. I was slowly starving to death. I was broke, living in an apartment without electricity because I couldn't afford to pay the bill. I had no friends, no family…no one. I was alone and though I wouldn't admit it back then, I was very lonely. And now I have him. I eat so much a day that I put on five pounds in nearly two weeks, I have someone that pays for my every need. I'm not lonely and I have someone to talk to. I don't have to worry about money because he takes care of everything. It's amazing how much things can change in so little time. If someone would've told me two Wednesdays ago, when he wandered into my apartment to make sure I was home that this man would've been the one I think I want to spend my life with, I would've thought they were crazy. "I mean, I thought I was going to have to become a stripper or a prostitute or something just to pay my bills. I thought I wasn't ever going to find someone that cares about me. Then you came along. You gave me hope Alex…made me happy again. That's not an easy task."

"…What do you mean, 'made you happy again'?" He asks. I bite my lip and brush my damp hair out of my face. At this point, I don't think I have anything to lose by telling him about my depression. He's my best friend and I know that he deserves to know. I don't have anything to lose by telling him anymore so really, I think I'm ready to tell him. Just not right now—not here. Not when we're on a date and supposed to be having fun. Maybe when we get back to the hotel I'll tell him but I just don't want to tell him right here, right now. "I thought you said I was the only boyfriend you ever had? I didn't know there was anyone else before me…"

"Not that kind of happy." I clarify. "We'll talk later." I clear my throat and stop looking over the railing. "We have a waterslide to get on right now." I smile and move up the rest of the way in the line. As it stands right now, we're next in line to get on. The couple getting on before us grabs a clear tube from the pile next to the entrance of the slide. There are two separate piles; a pile of single tubes and a pile of double tubes. The guy from the couple in front of us puts the tube in the water at the entrance of the slide and sits in the back hole of the tube. The girl sits in the front part of the tube and holds onto black handles on the sides of the tube. The way the slide is set up, the entrance is the only open part. As soon as the ride attendant pushes them off, they're sent into darkness. Maybe it's my age shining through, but I'm starting to get really excited. I walk over to the pile of tubes and grab a double and that quickly, I forget that my arms hurt.

"Be careful." Alex grabs the tube off of me and holds it under his arm like it doesn't weigh a bunch. I stand next to him and tap my foot as we wait for the attendant to tell us that it's our turn to get on. "You wanna sit in the back or the front?" He asks me. I shrug my shoulders to tell him that it doesn't matter to me. "I'll get in the back." At the command of the attendant, he puts the tube in the small pool of rushing water that's the entrance of the slide. I step into the gushing water and sit down in the hole of the inner-tube. Alex sits down in the hole behind me and his feet rest on either side of me. As we wait to be let go, I start playing with his leg hair. "You're weird…stop playing with my leg hair. I don't play with yours." I giggle and stroke his leg hair downwards so it's not standing up anymore. The attendant starts rattling off rules like keep your hands and legs on the tube, don't stand up and all that stuff. I hold onto the black handles on the side of the tube and brace myself as the attendant pushes us off.

As we go into the darkness, a waterfall at the opening dumps water on the both of us and next thing we know, it's dark all around us. "If I fall outta the tube, just save yourself." I caution him with a laugh. He laughs too and starts rocking the tube back and forth. "Alex, don't! I'm already about to fall out!" I tighten my grip on the handles but I still almost fall out as the slide twists us and drops us down a hill. While it's dropping us down a hill, it twists us again and I'm so close to falling out of this tube and getting hurt. It drops us down another hill and the tube flies up in the air and crashes back down and my butt hurts. "My BUTT!" He starts laughing at me so loud it echoes throughout the slide. "No, it's not funny…my butt really hurts…" The slide turns us one way then quickly back the other which again, almost makes me fall out. We slide up on the corner of the slide and this time, I actually do fall out. "Oh my god, Alex…Alex, don't move the tube..." I'm still holding onto one of the handles but my whole body is outside of the tube and my bathing suit bottoms are falling down. We drop down one more hill and we're spit out into the daylight, in a deep pool.

I let go of the tube to plug my nose up as the rushing of the water coming out the slide pulls me underwater. I kick my legs and flail my arms to make my way to the surface but I keep my body underwater. Alex is holding onto the tube still but he's dragging it so he can put it away. "Are you okay?" He's laughing from the thrill of the waterslide but there's nothing funny about what's going on with me right now. I keep my body inside the water and look around for something orange towards the bottom of the pool. "…You coming?" He turns around and asks me just as he's about to get out of the pool. I shake my head. "What's wrong?" I feel my eyes get bigger and since I can't see anything orange floating or resting at the bottom, I cup my hands over my bottom half…which is naked. "Jo? Are you hurt, Jo?" I shake my head, widen my eyes even more and take my hands away from my bottom half so he can see what my problem is. I'm already dying of embarrassment, I don't think I can actually say it aloud. I'm so embarrassed. He just starts laughing.

"Stop laughing and help me! I can't find my bottoms…They fell off in the slide, what if they're still in there?" I put my hands back over my butt and my crotch and keep looking. "I'm not getting out of here butt naked…I can't find my bottoms…" I clear my hair out of my face and look underwater for anything that looks orange. "Alex…" Still laughing, he gets back into the pool and wades over towards me. I look around to see if anybody can see this. I'm so embarrassed. "What if they're still in the slide?! Alex, somebody's gonna come down this slide and see me…" I start walking over towards a wall so I can put my naked ass against a wall. He's still laughing and I'm about to kill him with my bare hands. "Alex, stop it! It's not funny! I'm naked…"

"I can't help it…" He's still laughing. He wades over to me and gives me a hug, as if that's gonna change something. I'm still butt naked in a pool here! "You said they came off in the slide?" He asks. I nod frantically. "Alright…I'll find them. Just stay right here."

"Hurry up before somebody sees me!" I bark at him. I don't mean to be rude but I mean seriously. He's laughing and I'm butt naked in a public pool. Anybody could come out of that slide right now and see my goodies! He disappears underneath the water and I keep my hands cupped around my crotch while my butt is pressed against the wall of the pool. I look around again to make sure people aren't staring. This is just my luck, isn't it? I fall outta the tube, hurt my ass-bone and lose my bottoms? Great. I sigh and run a million reasons through my head as to why I shouldn't kill Alex for laughing at me. I keep looking around. This is the most humiliating moment of my life…next to the time where the guy I lost my virginity to spread rumors about me having herpes. That was pretty embarrassing too but yeah…this is horrible. Alex's head pops up out of the water and he's holding my orange bottoms. I silently thank god and take them off of him. "…Cover me." I open them up since they're sticking together and put them under the water so I can get into them. He puts his hands on either side of the wall and hovers in front of me. I step into the bottoms but I can't get my foot through since I'm underwater. "Can you help me?!"

"Geez…somebody's cranky." He reaches under the water and holds them open for me so I can step my feet into them.

"You'd be cranky too if you were butterball naked in the middle of a public pool and I laughed instead of helping you." I step into the feet of my bottoms and he pulls them up for me but of course, in typical Alex fashion, he grabs my butt as he pulls them up for me. "Alex, come on!" I smack his chest. "You're pissing me off now." I push him away and walk towards the exit ladder. "You never freaking care about me when I need something and…" I start ranting but I stop myself. I don't know, maybe I need to lighten up a bit. But he just pissed me off so bad. I mean, I was NAKED and he laughed instead of helping right away. "Come on…I wanna get on more slides." I mumble and pull myself out of the pool.

"Turn your bitch off, Jo. Turn it off." He gets out too. "Don't make it seem like I didn't care that you were naked because I did. And you're really gonna tell me that I don't care about you when you need something? All because I laughed? It was funny so I laughed. Don't get an attitude all of a sudden because we can always go back to the hotel." He catches up to me and puts his arm around me. "I cared that you were naked…I cared."

"That was embarrassing and you freaking laughed…"

"Do you hear yourself right now?" He rubs my arm. "We got off the waterslide and you lost your bottoms. Tell me if I lost my trunks you wouldn't laugh at me. Tell me you wouldn't laugh…" I think about it that way and end up smiling. "See, I knew you would. I knew you would." I roll my eyes and keep smiling as I'm thinking about him losing his trunks on a slide. I guess it would've been funny if the roles were switched. "It was funny. I'm sorry you were embarrassed but it was kind of humorous…to hear you complain about your ass hurting then end up losing your pants…"

"My butt still hurts…" I put my head against his arm and walk with him as we officially exit The Constrictor. "Let's go ride that thing…" I point at an orange and blue slide called "The Tornado." It looks like a big toilet bowl if I'm being honest. It's this big bowl that spins you around the bowl part until it dumps you out into a pool below. He takes his arm from around my shoulder and holds my hand as we start walking towards it. The line doesn't look real long for it either, so we shouldn't have to wait as long as we just did. "…So now I can say I've been to a waterpark in Arizona. I can say I've been to an amusement park in Colorado and a waterpark in Arizona." I make small talk with him as we start climbing the empty steps to get on the toilet bowl ride. "….And I can say that I've had sex in…three, going on four different states. I wonder how many people can say that."

He starts to laugh again and he shakes his head at me. "You're so crazy, Jo. You're crazy." I get to the top of the line and find that there's only about thirteen people in front of us which isn't bad considering that most of these people are in groups. "Going on four states? You tryna tell me something?" I shrug my shoulders and wink at him. "…So I have something to look forward to once we get back to the hotel." I nod and rest my arm against the top railing. Of the thirteen people, there are four couples in front of us, one group of four and an older guy that's standing in directly in front of us. I turn my back to the people in front of us and look at Alex. Don't think I'm crazy, but…I kind of like it when we argue. I don't like when we fight and I'd rather us not fight but I do like it just a bit. It kind of reminds me of an old married couple. We fight over the smallest things but we always resolve it. I've given up on marrying Alex because even though he won't come right out and say it, I don't think he wants to marry me. So I've given up on that vision and I've decided to just enjoy him while I've got him. But still…our petty arguments remind me of old married couples arguing. "Move up…" He motions with his head at me because I couldn't tell that the line moved up since my back's turned.

I turn around and move up a couple places. The older man in front of us smiles at me and nods his head. I smile back to be nice but I turn around again to face Alex. He didn't see me and the guy exchange glances because he's looking at the ground below us again. I rest my arms against the railing like the last slide we got on and look down as well. When I see that there's nothing down there to look at, I look around at the line to see if it's even close to moving. When I look around though, I catch the guy looking at me again. He's older…older than Alex, that's clear. I'd say about 40 if I had to guess. He has ruffled, wet, black and slightly grey hair. He has stubble on his face like he had a beard at one point and his eyes are a gentle brown color. He has deep wrinkles though and he's kind of plump. He might've been attractive at one point. When I catch him looking at me this time, he smiles at me again but this time I can tell that it's flirtatious. I give him an annoyed, toothless grin and turn around to face Alex again. "After we get off this, can we go eat?" I'm getting kind of hungry now. My stomach rumbles just a little bit. "And I saw that they have a bar, I kind of want a drink if—" I'm interrupted by a clicking noise. I shake my head and brush it off though.

The noise doesn't stop though, so just to peak my curiosity, I turn my head to see if maybe the guy is making that noise. He's looking at me again but this time, he has a different expression. He's smug and he has a smile on his face but he winks at me. I don't feel so good all of a sudden so I just stop looking at him. I take a step closer to Alex and pretend to be busy with looking at people below us as well. "Yeah, I want to grab a drink from that bar we saw…" I pick up where I left off before I was interrupted and Alex nods his head. Behind me, I hear more clicking. I secretly turn my head to see what the guy is doing now and my stomach starts to churn. I feel like I'm going to faint…

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Yeah, I want to grab a drink from that bar we saw…" I nod my head as her voice trails off for the second time in a row so this time, I peel my eyes off the people walking past below where we're standing and look to see her. Knowing Jo, she probably stops talking because I'm not looking at her. Sometimes she feels like I'm not listening to her when I'm not looking at her. So I turn my head and look at her while she talks so she can get her sentence out. I was listening to her by the way. I heard her. She said she wants to go eat and she wants to get a drink from the bar we passed when we were getting on the first waterslide. But when I turn to look at her this time, her face is just…red. She's standing stiff as a board and her face is so red that it looks like the skin of an apple—no exaggeration. Her eyes are sparkling with tears and her hands are shaking. She looks like she just saw a ghost.

"Jo." I put my arms on her shoulders. "What's wrong?" As soon as I touch her, she literally has some kind of breakdown. She starts crying so hard that I can't console her and she's shaking and hiccupping and gasping for air. I think she's having a panic attack. "Jo…Jo, what's wrong? What happened?" I cup my hands around her face to calm her down but she's a mess. "Breathe…breathe, okay? Breathe…what's wrong?" The line in front of us moves so I steady her because she can't hold herself up and I move her myself. "Tell me what happened…tell me what happened." She's…she's not good. She's gasping for air because she can't breathe and she won't stop crying. The scariest part about this whole thing is that she's quiet. She's not crying loud but she's crying hard and her gasps are the loudest thing. _Is she afraid of heights?_ Can't be. She wasn't freaking out last slide and we were way higher. "You have to breathe Jo…you have to breathe." I keep my hands on her cheeks. "Breathe." She's shaking so bad. I'm starting to worry about her. Like, really worry. "Shh, okay? Breathe for me. Breathe for me." I stroke her arms and that seems to help calm her down. "Okay, look at me now." She's still hiccupping but she does look at me. "What's the matter?" I'm so confused. One second, she was talking to me about how she wanted a drink and then the next, she's having a full-blown panic attack. Maybe she has asthma…I don't know what could be wrong with her.

"T…the…the…." She's trying to get it out. I keep stroking her arms because that's the only thing that helps. "The guy in front of us…" When she starts talking and forming sentences, I can finally put a label on her emotions. She's scared to DEATH. _What guy? What guy in front of us? _I crane my neck to see who she's talking about. _The guy in front of us that's getting into the raft? _"H…he…" She grabs my arm. "I think he…he…he took…he had…he has one of those…those…" She's shaking uncontrollably. "Those underwater cameras…he…he took…he took….a….a…a…." She can't even get it out. "I…can we go eat?" She seems to be calming down. "I don't want to get on here anymore…" She's breathing hard.

"He was takin' pictures of you?" I grab her hand and start taking her out of the line. I sidestep the people lined up behind us and undermine the fact that they're obviously staring at her. I keep her hand tightly in my grasp and pull her down all the steps we just walked up.

"I…I think he was…Alex, I just want to go eat…I'm not feeling well and I think it's because I need to eat…I'm not even sure…" She's following my quick descend from the steps. "Can we just eat? Maybe after we eat… I don't want to cause a scene…"

"Screw that." I grab her arm and pull her right along with me as I go to the dumping pool of the slide we just got out of line for. "Which one is he?" I ask her. She just shakes her head and shies away from me. "Which one is he, Jo? I'm not pissing around. Which one is he?" She just points to a guy wearing bright red swimming trunks. He just got out of the dumping pool and he's putting his raft back. I nod my head to let her know I see who she's talking about and I pull her with me as I approach the guy. She's resisting me but I don't care. I know Jo and I know she's just resisting because she doesn't like to cause trouble but I'm serious as a heart attack right now. I can't explain the feeling I get when I think about somebody threatening Jo but…it's animalistic. It's like I don't care about anything else in the world. No consequences, nothing. I don't care about anything. I just see red. I thought I wouldn't care if somebody thought my hot girlfriend was hot, but I don't want anyone but me thinking she's hot. "I'm not letting him get away with that."

"But Alex, I'm not even sure if that's what he was doing…" She tries to talk me out of it but my mind is made up. I let go of her hand and walk right over to that guy. "Alex, don't…"

"Hey!" I call after him as he's walking away. He turns around and I see the camera she was talking about. I won't do anything stupid. I'm just going to kindly ask him to delete whatever pictures of her that he took. "You were standing in front of us in line…" I introduce myself to him before I get down to business. He looks past me and at Jo before he looks me in my eye. He has a smug look on his face which makes my hands clench into fists. "Lemme see that camera." I hold my hand out for it.

"Hey look man, I just—"

"I don't give a damn about what you have to say. Let me see the camera or I swear to god man, we're gonna have problems. And I'm not someone you want to have problems with, please believe that."

"It's my property and I don't have to—"

"I don't care if it's the damn president's property. Did you take pictures of her?!" I'm starting to come unhinged which isn't good in the least. I was trying to be cordial and proper with this guy but I swear to god. I'll kill someone over Jo and I mean that. The guy starts stuttering and stumbling over an explanation. "It's a yes or no question man. Did you or did you not take pictures of her?"

"I don't know what she told you but I didn't take no—"

I'm done playing games with him. I was nice about it at first and now I'm sick of it. I'm done being nice about anything anymore. I reach out and forcibly snatch the camera out of his hand and he tries to fight me on it but I'm so much bigger than him that he realizes it's useless. "Next time just give it to me." I throw the camera on the ground and step on it with my bare foot until it's smashed into pieces. "Matter fact, there better not be a next time." I turn around and walk back to Jo. I'm seething right now…SEETHING. I really had a plan in my mind to kill him. I was gonna grab him by his throat and hold him by his throat in that dumping pool until he stopped breathing. I could've beat the living SHIT out of that guy and I swear on my dad's grave I would've if Jo wasn't with me. I don't want her to see me at my worst because that really could've been my WORST. I don't want her to see me like that. I already screwed up and scared her earlier today by grabbing her, I imagine she would be deathly afraid of me if she saw me kill a man. I'm telling you, the ONLY reason I didn't at least cause physical harm to that man is because SHE is standing there. She saved him…believe that.

He took PICTURES of my girl. Can you think of any reason why I should've let him live? He took pictures of her so he could print out and do god-knows-what with them? I take a couple deep breaths before I put my arm around Jo. I don't even have provocative pictures of her…what makes him think he's entitled to have risqué pictures of my girl? I put my arm around her and hide the fact that I'm still smarting over letting that guy live. "You okay?" I ask her. She nods her head and puts her arm around my waist.

"…I really thought you were going to hurt him." She whispers to me.

"I thought I was gonna hurt him too." I admit.

"…I'm proud of you, baby."

I smirk because silly as it is, I'm proud of myself too. That whole situation could've been horrible if I handled it the way I wanted to handle it. If I handled it the way I would've handled it back when Jo meant less to me, I would've gone to jail. Back when I was still confused about my feelings for her like I was back in that hotel in Kansas? Yeah it could've been bad. But I love her more now than I did then and I love her too much to show my worst side around her. I just…I think now, if that makes sense. I didn't think then but I think now. I think about how if I go to jail or do something horrible, it affects her. Everything I do affects Jo now and I love her too much to scare her by going batshit crazy and leave her alone by going to jail. I think now that I realize how much I love her. I tuck away my crazy side when it comes to her. _Well she's just as crazy as you are. Scaled down a bit but the girl is so brilliant that she's crazy. _ "Come on…let's go get something to eat."

_Maybe Jo's crazy fits my crazy…_


	36. Anywhere

**A/N:** **M **rated content in this chapter.

* * *

"I'm sorry today wasn't better." I put my hand against her shoulder as we're walking through the parking lot and start out my apology. She's been a trooper all day and she hasn't complained not once; except for when she lost her bottoms. But anyway, I feel like I owe her an apology for the way this day turned out. It wasn't completely disastrous but it _was_ disastrous nonetheless. She spent more time crying and upset today than laughing and having a good time and I'm responsible for that. I grabbed her up and bruised her arms pretty bad, that was my fault. She lost her bathing suit bottoms and got really mad at me because I laughed and that was my fault too. Then I put her in line next to a pervert that took pictures of her and I was too damn busy gazing out into the friggin' sky to notice the guy when we actually was taking pictures of her. I ruined today and I guess the least I can do is apologize to her for it. "I guess maybe you were right…we should've stopped after our first date. At least that one wasn't so horrible."

"Oh stop it." She digs her elbow into my side and starts playing with my hand. "It wasn't horrible, Alex. I had fun…and I'm not just saying that to appease you. It really wasn't horrible. Sure it could've been better but it wasn't horrible. I had a lot of fun on the waterslides and in the wave pool. It was fun…really, it was fun." We get to the car and she opens up the backseat before she gets in the front. She piles her bags in the back and I pile my bags in the back as well. "Especially when the bartender thought my ID was fake…that super fun." She shuts the back door and gets into the passenger's side. "I'm beginning to think maybe I should walk around wearing a bonnet. A bonnet, some glasses and a freaking dress that covers from my chin to my ankles…and maybe I'll carry around _knitting _needles. Maybe that'll convince people that I'm TWNETY THREE years old and not five." I just listen to her complain as I get into the passenger's seat of the car. "Do you think…if I carried around the knitting needles in addition to a cat…that would help?"

I laugh and shove the key into the ignition of my car. "I don't know about that, but." I put my arm behind the seat and prop myself up so I can see if anything's coming before I back out. "If anyone could pull off a bonnet and a kimono it'd be you. You'd make it hot." I pull out of our parking space and start driving out. With playful melodramatics, she puts her hand on her chest, rolls her eyes to the back of her head and gasps like she's oh-so flattered. "Yeah, yeah…settle down." I wave my hand at her and smirk. She gets pretty annoyed when people think she's younger than what she is just by looking at her but I'm willing to bet a lot of money that if those people sat and talked to her for just five minutes, they'd think she's actually _older _than 23. A lot of time, I actually forget that she's only 23. Jo's wise…way beyond her years. She's wise, she's mature and her mindset is so much different than any other woman in her twenties that I've met. Sure she looks like she's in her teens instead of in her twenties but just talking to her makes you realize that she's not. "So uh…" I turn my wheel and get onto the highway. "I know our stay at the park wasn't the greatest but we can still go somewhere else if you want… end the day on a high note."

"Oh no, the only place I want to go is back to the hotel to take a shower. I feel gross." She rolls down her window and looks out of it. "You know Alex…I'm serious. I had fun today. So don't feel like you need to make it up to me because it was bad because it wasn't bad. It wasn't bad. A little unorthodox, yeah. But it wasn't a bad date. I enjoyed myself." I keep my eyes on the road and inevitably smirk again. I really love it when she breaks out her Ivy League education. Okay so sometimes talking to Jo makes me feel dumb because she'll use big words against me and even though I'm an author that has a vocabulary of over a million words, I admit that sometimes I have to use context clues to figure out what she's trying to say. She's smart and I find that incredibly sexy. "We can have fun at the hotel and end the date on a high note. You don't have to keep pouring money into me having a nice time. Sometimes…sometimes I have more fun just lounging around in my pajamas with you. Like that one time…before we started dating, and we were sitting in the hotel playing 20 questions? That was fun…we can do that."

"Alright, alright. So we'll just sit around in the hotel room for the rest of the day." I glance down at the clock on my dashboard and see that it's only 4:50 in the afternoon. We can lounge around in the hotel room for the rest of the day if she wants to, it won't hurt. "We can order in cheap hotel food and eat it on the floor…kinda like how you were raised to do." I take a playful jab at her. She looks at me with narrowed eyes and a playfully offended smile. "…What? Isn't that what you did until you were ten? Stayed in an orphanage, didn't you? Waited in line to take a shower…go to bed on an empty stomach…smelly blankets…. You were raised to sit on the floor and eat cheap takeout for dinner until you were ten. I still think that girl is somewhere underneath that smarty-pants act."

"…I didn't sit on the floor and eat takeout." She sounds like she's really sad over it. She's looking down at the ground and twiddling her thumbs. I was just trying to make a joke…I should've bit my tongue. I reach over to grab her hand as a silent apology but she snatches her hand away from me. "…I sat on the front porch, if you must know." She swats me on the thigh and relief washes over me. Damn, I really thought I offended her for a minute there. It scared me. I mean just imagine if I really did offend her. I'd totally be batting a thousand if I offended her, wouldn't I? I would've hurt her, offended her and failed to protect her all in the same day. I really do feel like I failed to protect her from that lowlife. I'm just failing her all around. I'm being a bad boyfriend. Have I really fell off the wagon that much? I know there's been a lot of nobodies since Lucy so it's been a while since I've been in a true committed relationship but I swore I would treat Jo better because she's not a nobody. I've been failing her though. "What about you? At least I grew up with a mother for some of my life. And she wasn't a junkie."

"Screw you." I look at her for a second and I feel my love for this woman deepen. I've spent all this time comparing her to Lucy and thinking about ways she's different and the same but I think I'm done doing that. Lucy and Jo are in two totally different universes. Jo is…she's amazing. I say that a lot but every time I say it I mean it more and more. She's amazing. I think today opened my eyes a bit more. I grabbed her and I shook her and she's still sitting here with me. Embarrassing as it was, she let me cry on her shoulder and she didn't even judge me. I really…really want to believe that she's the one. I want to believe that someday I'm going to marry her and all that stuff but I just know that I'm not. I sigh and focus on the road again. It's taxing to think about how Jo is everything I want and everything I can't have. "I'm really am sorry Jo. I wish today could've been better."

"…Me too." She nods her head and looks out the window as she finally admits it to me. I just keep thinking about how she told me I changed her life. How she was that girl that didn't know where her next meal was coming from, how she thought she was going to have to revert to extreme measures just to pay her bills and how she was lonely. And I guess maybe, when she puts it that way, I did…change her life. But she changed mine too. I was that guy that thought I wasn't going to find love. I was that guy that gave up on women and gave up on everything I wanted because it took me a while to get over heartbreak. I guess she doesn't see it but Jo changed my life so much too. She makes me a happier me. I haven't been this happy Alex in years…a week with her brought it out of me. "Alex?" She calls my name so I look over at her. "…If you could go any place in the world…where would it be?" She drums her fingers along her kneecap and waits for my answer.

"California." I shrug and give the first answer that pops into my mind. I don't want to brag to her or anything but if I wanted to, I could. I could go anywhere in this world if I wanted to. I have the money to do whatever I want and go wherever I want. The only place in the world I want to go is California. The weather's nice, the sun always shines in California, I have a house out there and I even have publisher offers out there. I wasn't going to take any of the offers at first, which is really the only reason why I never mentioned it to Jo but after our talk today, I don't think I'm going to give up writing. She told me that she likes me. Not Michael Evans, not some romance author that I am. She likes me…she likes Alex. If I can make a believer out of Jo then maybe I can make a believer out of the world. I don't think I'm going to give up writing anymore. So yeah…if I could pick any place in the world to go to, I'd go to California.

"Why?"

"Because it's pretty…and there are beaches…" I shrug again. "What about you?"

"…I'd go to Disneyland." She says that as if she's been thinking about this for a while. "Then I'd go back to Kansas." She continues. "I really liked it there. The whole…atmosphere of Kansas was nice. I liked meeting your family too. But mostly, I just liked…I liked the feeling I got while we were in Kansas." I pull into the parking lot of the hotel but I put the car in park and listen to her instead of getting out. "…I'm leaving soon, aren't I?" She turns to me. I nod. These days, when we talk about her leaving, it's just a certainty. It's not as painful as it used to be because the both of us have come to terms with the fact that she's getting on a plane and leaving to go to Massachusetts. It hurts like hell and I wish she didn't have to go but it's happening, I'm not letting her give up and both of us know that it's coming. So when we talk about it anymore, it's not as bad as it used to be. "Promise me something." She says. She doesn't ask…she says it like she's not even giving me an option. "If…when I leave, if we don't…talk to each other as much as we do now and all that stuff, whatever. But promise me that you'll at least keep in touch with your mother and your sister." I wrinkle my brow at her. "I know it sounds foolish but Alex, I swear it's not. My…both my parents are dead. It sucks. It gets easier but it'll always suck. And I know you and your mom have history and it's bad history and things probably can't be patched up between you two but I swear to god, it won't be worth it in the end. When she's dead, you'll wish you had kept in touch. So just promise me even if we don't stay in touch, you'll stay in touch with them."

"I will." I promise her that without even hesitating. I totally will keep in touch with my mom and Amber if it's important to Jo that I do. I mean if I didn't really want to, I could just promise it to her anyway and pretend like I will because if Jo's in Massachusetts at med school and I'm in California working for a publishing company, she won't know the difference. She won't know if I keep in touch with my mom and Amber or not. But promises to Jo are sacred to me and I won't let her down. I'll keep in touch with my mom and my sister if she wants me to. "And you promise me that if you need anything, you'll call." I don't think she knows it, but I admit that one comment from the conversation we had earlier has really been sticking with me. It's been bothering me. "Even if we haven't talked in two years or two months. Call me if you need something. I'll have it to you that day, I promise. No…stripping or prostituting for money. Promise me that?"

"I'm not…." She sighs and smiles. "I was never really considering being a stripper or a prostitute, I was just saying. That…I was broke. I was broke and I wasn't making enough working for your cheapskate ass. So I thought…the thought crossed my mind briefly. But I don't think I'd really have the balls to do that." I think right now would be an acceptable time to get out of the car and go into the hotel now but I can tell just by her body language that something's bothering her. She's looking down at her legs and rubbing her arm. Something's clearly bothering her. "That was a dark place in my life, Alex. I mean…I'm lighter now. Two weeks ago was a dark place in my life but I'm lighter now. Still not…fixed, but better." I rest my hand on her back as she talks. "My mom died." She starts and I can tell by the tone of her voice that this is only the beginning. I take my hand off her back and turn the key in the ignition to turn the car off. Whatever she's about to say to me is clearly something hard for her to talk about because she's being hesitant, so I give her my full, undivided attention. "My dad died my freshman year of college and my mom died my sophomore year. They're all I had in this world, y'know? I don't have brothers and sisters…aunts or uncles. I don't know who my birth parents are. I was an orphan, then I got adopted, and now I'm an orphan again. I don't have anybody else to…run to when I need help. They were it. And then…I get raped. And the only person in the world I wanted to talk to…the only person I wanted to confide in…died. The week before that, she died. So I had nobody to talk to…nobody that'd listen. As far as my best friend was concerned, I just screwed her boyfriend so she wasn't speaking to me. I was at a very dark place in my life back then I…didn't have anything to live for." She tucks her hair behind her ear and though I already knew that Jo's amazing, the way she pulls herself together just amazes me even more. "So…when I say that I thought about becoming a prostitute, I mean that lightly. I wouldn't do that." She clears her throat. "So. Let's go inside…I need to shower."

Adding to the long list of things I love about Jo, I love that she doesn't take pity. She's gotten herself through some pretty messed up situations and she never uses them as an excuse. She's the strongest person I know hands down. I can't really imagine how I would come through all of that if I had to go through the things she went through. Like her parents dying within two years and getting raped the week after her mom died…that's rough stuff. I knew she was strong before but I really look at her in a different light after hearing all that. She got through all of that without a support system. I say it a lot but I swear…Jo amazes me. "You can get in the shower first…I'll see what's cookin' in the cafeteria." I lock my car up after we grab our bags. The temperature has gone way down from what it was earlier at the waterpark and it actually feels good out here now.

I hold the door open for her and follow her inside. I follow her past the check-in desk to the elevator. She pushes the number "3" to take us up to the third floor. I file through my beach bag for our room key. "I'm not hungry." She says, just as I find the key. "So don't worry about getting food. The hamburger I had back at the park really did me in." The elevator doors open up and she walks out first. "Unless you're hungry…but I'm not." She gets to our room and waits for me to open the door.

"I'm not." I put the key into the lock and once it beeps, I open the door. "I'm full too actually." I shut the door behind us and drop all our bags on the floor. Instead of heading straight for the shower like I thought she would, she gets on her knees and opens up our bags. I turn on the light and take off my shoes. She starts taking our bathing suits and towels out of the bags. I just go over to the window and close the curtains up. She starts hanging our wet clothes up on the door handles. "What are you doing?" I sit down on the bed and watch her. She takes my trunks and drapes them over the bathroom door along with my beach towel.

"You have to hang up wet clothes so they don't get all mildewed." She looks at me like I should've known that as she ties her bikini top onto a door handle. "Forgot…you grew up without a mom and you were raised in a barn. My bad." She kicks off her sandals and unzips her pants. "You have to hang up wet clothes so they don't get moldy. You can't just bawl them up and shove them in a basket. They'll get moldy and you'll never be able to wear them again." She's not wearing underwear under her shorts because she was wearing her bathing suit underneath of them when we left for the park earlier and she didn't pack extra underwear to put on after she took her bottoms off so she just leaves them unbuttoned around her waist. She takes off her shirt and tosses it in the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of our room. She's not wearing a bra either but her back is turned towards me so I can't see anything. I lean back against the bed and prop myself up on my elbows. I lick my lips at the sight of her sexy back dimples though. They're two deep, circular indentations in her lower back, just before her ass starts and they're the sexiest things. "…What are you looking at?" She turns around and to my dismay, her hair is covering her boobs.

"Hmm? Nothin'." I shake my head and pretend like I was just blankly staring off into space and not staring at her. I crack myself up sometimes. Here I am staring at her half-naked body and fantasizing about her as if I've never seen her naked before. She's so damn sexy though. As soon as she turns around again, I go right back to staring at her. She hooks her thumbs through the belt loops on her shorts and pulls them down. When she pulls them down, she bends over and sticks her ass out and I know she's doing it on purpose. I crack a smile and sit back and enjoy the show. She steps out of her shorts and throws them in the corner with the rest of the dirty clothes. She reaches back with her hand and shakes her hair and when she shakes her hair, she sticks her butt out. I sit up so I'm closer to her. "Come 'ere…" I hold my hand out. She turns around and she's smiling at me. I just…stare. Her hair is still damp so it's flat and darker than usual. The dried parts of it are bouncy and wavy but the wet parts are straight and flat amongst the wavy parts. She has sexy tan lines too. Her boobs are lighter than the skin on her arms and her stomach and her crotch is lighter than the skin on her legs. Her tan is sexy…SHE is sexy. "Just come here…" I keep my hand out.

"I'm getting in the shower." She tucks her hair behind her ears and starts back pedaling towards the bathroom door. "I smell like chlorine and sweat and that's not a good mixture." She's acting like she wasn't just teasing me and I shake my head at her. She knows she's sexy; I'm convinced. She likes teasing me. "See you when I get out."

"Mhm." I nod my head and watch her disappear into the bathroom. She shuts the door behind her and I stand up. I take off my shirt and throw it in the corner with her clothes and I unbutton my pants. I would just leave her alone to take her shower in peace if she didn't tease me the way she did as she was taking her clothes off. She teased me, I'm hard and ready and now, she can't shower alone. I kick my pants off, don't bother putting them with the other dirty clothes and go straight for the bathroom.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

I pull back the glass shower door and run the hot water. I test it with my hand to make sure it's not too hot and when it's okay enough for me, I pull the lever to make the stream turn into shower spray. I put my clean white towel on the sink counter and grab a washcloth off the rack. As I'm about to get in the shower, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I got a tan today. My boobs are all pasty and the rest of me is golden. I reach back and grab my hair up into a ponytail so I can see if my neck tanned too. It didn't, probably because my hair was down all day. I release my hair and it falls back around my chest. Speaking of my hair, the sun bleached it a little bit today. I grab a clump of my hair and stare at it. It looks like I have blonde low-lights in my usually dark brown hair. I don't like it…but it'll probably be gone tomorrow. It's not the first time the sun's bleached my hair before. It usually fades pretty quickly but I hate it. I think it's ugly. I pull my hair away from my face and keep looking at myself in the mirror. _You're not completely ugly, Jo…you could be pretty. _I turn around and examine myself from the side. I guess I'm not as ugly as I thought I was. I think…I don't know, I think I'm pretty. I have a cute face. My forehead is kind of wide but my eyebrows balance it out nicely. My hair's pretty…I think. My eyes are pretty. They're brown but they're light brown and depending on how the light hits them, they could pass for hazel. I'm not hideous…

I step back and look at myself in the body mirror. I've gained some weight on this trip and it doesn't look horrible. It got pretty evenly distributed. It went to my thighs and my butt. _It could've gone to my boobs… _My butt is kind of big for my size, I guess. It's okay. I bite my lip and turn to the other side. I think, for the first time in my life, I can live with what I see in the mirror. I'm not totally disappointed with what I see in the mirror. _You're not that bad. There's a reason the weird guy thought you were hot enough to take pictures…and a couple guys were staring when we were eating… _So maybe I'm not that ugly. Alex is still the hottest guy on the planet and I'm still not sure if I measure up as a hot piece of arm candy for him but I could get there. I'm not that bad. The only thing I see in the mirror that's a blemish are the two red marks on my arms and those will fade with time. Other than that, I like what I see. For the first time in…god knows how long, I think I'm pretty. _Not sure if I'm sexy but pretty is good._

I smile at my thoughts and climb into the shower. I shut the glass door and let the spray hit me. I tilt my head back and close my eyes. The hot water feels so good compared to the cold pool water I've been in all day. I stick my head under the spray and soak in the warmth. I turn around and let the water hit my backside. I roll my head around and let the water hit my neck. I turn my arms outwards so the warm water can hit my bruises as well. As I reach forward to pick up my washcloth and the bar of soap, I hear the bathroom door open. I stand up straight and squint so I can see through the steamed up, tempered glass door of the shower. It's Alex just like I knew it would be. He probably has to pee or something. I shrug him off and resume to start washing myself up. I pick up my washcloth and the bar of soap and turn around to face the shower spray. I put the soap in my rag to lather it up and when I do, the shower door slides open. I whip around quickly to see that he's stepping inside. "I guess privacy is a thing of the past…"

"Yeah, it is…when you tease me like that." He takes my washcloth and the soap from my hand and puts them back down on the ledge in the shower. I didn't know he caught my drift back in the bedroom. Admittedly so, I _was _teasing him. It was too easy though. He was sitting on the bed clearly watching me undress and when I caught him, he tried to pretend like he wasn't doing anything. So of course, I had to tease him after that. "You can't tease me like that and expect for me to let it go…doesn't work like that." He wraps his strong arms around my waist and I jump back a little bit just because his skin is cold compared to mine. When I jump back though, my butt is against him and he's hard…which makes me smile. I put my head back against his chest and tilt it so he has a direct way to my neck. He takes my open invitation and puts his lips to my neck. He starts kissing my neck like he'd kiss me on my lips and I close my eyes. I can never say no to him once he gets started on my neck. I just can't. My neck is my sweet spot and he knows it. His hand wanders away from my waist and without any warning, it goes right between my legs. He sucks on my neck as he starts rubbing me. I throw my head back to the ceiling and try to keep my breathing even. Slowly, I part my legs for him. "Mmm…" He groans as he pulls his lips away from my neck for a second. "Good girl…" He whispers and aggressively kisses my neck again.

I kind of like it when he talks to me during sex….it's kind of a turn on. Sometimes I wish I could talk while we're having sex too but I run into the problem where I never know what to say. I think a lot during it and I feel like if I said some of the things I was thinking, he'd think I'm crazy. But he'll say something…like what he just said…and it'll turn me on so much. I can't help but wonder if talking is a turn on for him too. He shoves his hand further between my legs and I can't help but notice that since we're standing up, he can't get deep enough. So I bend my knee and rest my foot flat against the wall for him. He puts one of his fingers—I'm not sure which one—inside and I bite my lip. He puts his lips right next to mine and starts plunging his finger in and out. "Uhh…" I let a moan slip and turn my head so our lips meet. He forces my lips open and gives me an aggressive kiss. Since he's fingering me to get me in the mood, it's only fair if I get him in the mood too. So I reach back with one of my hands and grab onto his erection. I start stroking my hand on and off it as we kiss deeper and deeper.

Suddenly, he pulls his finger out and puts his hands on my hips. I put my foot flat on the floor again and stop jacking him off too. I wrap my arms around his neck and massage his tongue with mine but as I'm kissing him, he's trying to pull away from me. He squeezes his hands around my waist and turns me so I'm against the wall instead of him. He keeps trying to pull out of the kiss so instead of fighting with him on it, I let him. Once our lips part, he keeps his hands against my waist but he starts ravenously kissing my neck and my chest. He kisses between my boobs then down to my navel and now it's clear why he wanted to switch positions with me. He kneels down on his knees and kisses me on the outside. I part my legs for him again and try to retain my balance on my tiptoes. He puts his hands on my legs and holds them open so that he's really the only thing keeping me from falling. He puts his tongue inside of me and I can't help but reach down and pull his hair. I try to grab onto it but it's wet so I can't get a good grip. He lets go of my legs and rubs my legs until I get that he wants me to wrap them around his shoulders, so I do. I wrap my legs around his shoulders and he puts his hands underneath my lower back to support me. "Ohhhh…" I hold his head still. His tongue sloppily plunges in and out then circles around my clit. "Yes…oh god, yeah…." I roll my eyes to the back of my head and start breathing heavier. "Ooohh…" I start bucking my hips towards his face and his hands pull my body closer to him. He starts sucking on my clit and _only _my clit. "Oh my…." I try to push his head away…I can't take this anymore. I can't…oh god no, it feels too good…I can't… I keep trying to push his head away but he locks his hands around my body and forces me to take it. "Oh fuck! Oh…oh…" I pull his hair HARD. "Oh my god….oh my god, I'm gonna…" I don't even get it out before I actually do it. My toes curl under my foot and I grip his head instead of his hair. "Uh… uh…" I can't stop moaning.

Maybe I'm just still getting used to this, but I don't understand how girls just take this. He's so freaking good with his mouth. It feels way too good and I can't even handle it. How do girls just take it when their boyfriends go down on them? Maybe normal guys aren't as good with their mouths as my guy is. He's mind-blowing with his mouth. When he's done going down on me, he kisses the inside of my thighs and lowers my legs down to the ground but my legs are weak from the orgasm he just gave me. I'm still recovering from that. He kisses my hips, my bellybutton, between my boobs. I steady my legs as I stand straight up and he pulls one of my nipples into his mouth. I knot my fingers through his hair and struggle to normalize my breathing again. As he's sucking on my boob, his hands squeeze my butt. He starts kissing me so hard that I don't have a chance to catch my breath. As he's kissing me, he forces my leg up and he holds it with only one of his arms.

Not that I like being…abused or whatever, but I really like when he's all aggressive and forceful. I did like it a couple nights ago when he let me be in control of the sex but I really enjoy it a hell of a lot more when he's in charge. I like being thrown against the wall and forced to put my legs up. Maybe that makes me weird but I don't care. I like the passionately angry, dominant sex. Now I'm not saying he can tie me up with a rope and beat me with a piñata stick—I'm not saying that by any means. I'm just saying that it turns me on when he's forceful.

He holds my leg up and shoves himself inside me without any kind of warning. "UHHH!" I moan louder than I've ever moaned with him and grab onto his back. He's shoving himself upwards so hard that I have no choice but to bounce on my tiptoes. "Uh…uh…uh…uh!" Every time he makes a thrust inside me, a moan just comes out and I get louder each time. "Uh…" He burrows his face in my neck and slips his hand underneath my butt. He pulls me closer to him every time he shoves it back inside and he's so, so, so deep. "Oh my god baby…oh my god…" My voice is in the tone of a moan too, that's how good this is right now. He's going so hard that I swear I'm going cross-eyed. He sucks on my neck and holds my leg up higher. He adjusts his positioning, puts his hand down further on my butt and thrusts upwards hard as he pulls me down. "UH!" I moan—no scratch that—I scream in his ear. "Oh my…god, you're so deep…" _Did I just say that? I mean, I was thinking it but… god, it slipped. It slipped. _

"I know." He mumbles in my ear and keeps doing that. The whole pull me down while he shoves it in thing. I don't ever want him to stop. This feels so incredibly good…I don't want him to stop. I kick my other leg up and wrap them both around his waist. I lock my legs around his waist and start moving as best as I can. I don't know what the hell just came over me but all of a sudden, I want to control this. I hold onto his shoulders and grind my hips into his pelvis…like I'm riding him while we're standing up. He puts his hands on my butt to support me and he lets me. I force him to kiss me as I keep jolting upwards but I can't keep the kissing going because I have to moan. "Damn, Jo." He mumbles in my ear and takes his hands off butt. _I like it when he says my name. _For some reason, that motivates me. I hold onto him with my upper body and use my lower body to ride him. I can't see his face since it's steamy in this shower but I can find his lips no problem. I kiss him hard but he pulls away from the kiss. "I gotta pull out…" He murmurs.

"No don't…" I squeeze him so he can't pull away from me. I'm talking out of my butt right now. It's like…I know I don't mean to tell him NOT to pull out but I don't want him to pull out. I want him to stay in…he can't ruin this. This is amazing, don't ruin this. "Don't pull out…not yet…" I moan—not talk, moan—to him.

He puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me hard. "Get off." He pushes me off of him but he doesn't let me fall. He catches me and I look down when I'm off of him and I see that we were really close to making a mistake just a second ago. _Did you really tell him not to pull out? _As soon as he got me off, he came. It was like clockwork. He pushed me off and he came. We were like…a millisecond away from slipping up. He puts his hand on the underside of my chin and forces my lips to his. He kisses me with intensity but I can feel the passion radiating off his lips. "From now on, we use a condom…"

"Did you…?" I ask him and look down to see if I can tell if he did or not.

"No…I didn't get you." He kisses me again. "Almost…but I didn't."

"Sorry."

"Don't be…that was hot." He kisses my cheek.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Do they make like…" She holds my hand up to the ceiling and plays with my fingers. "Molds? Can you make a mold of a penis and have it turned into like…a vibrator or something?" She makes me laugh. She's so goofy sometimes. "Don't laugh, I'm serious… they should totally have that option. You should be able to go to a sex toy shop and have them take a mold of a man's junk…then they should make it into a vibrator." She ponders aloud, still playing with my fingers and twisting them into different directions. I kind of want to go back and change my answer to the question she asked me earlier. We just had steamy hot sex in the shower about an hour ago and I haven't felt this close to Jo since we met. We're lying here in this hotel bed watching Parks &amp; Recreation. She's lying on my chest and I'm holding her. She's playing with my fingers and I'm letting her. And everything just feels right in the world, you know? I want to change my answer. "Because I'm totally gonna need a vibrator made from your junk for when I go to Massachusetts."

"Hey…no talking about Boston today." I nudge her softly and remind her.

"Oops, sorry." She apologizes and keeps playing with my hands. She puts my hands down and sighs. I rest my chin against the crown of her head and continue watching TV. She slips her hand up my shirt and starts messing with my happy trail. She's so picky but I don't mind it one bit. "…Your stomach's fat…it jiggles. You need to tone up, baby…"

"Yeah well…your ass is jiggly. Go do lunges and tone up your ass, butthead." I stick my tongue out and spit at her.

"Fuck you." She says through a chiding laugh. Jo doesn't swear much but when she does, she says it so effortlessly and it's sexy when she cusses. She says it like she always says it even though she never really does. I tighten my arm around her body and just enjoy this moment. I want to change my answer. When she asked me where I would go if I could go anywhere in this world, I said I'd go to California. I have a new answer. If I could go anywhere in this world, I wouldn't go anywhere. I'd stay right here in this hotel bed for the rest of my life with her. I swear I would.

I wouldn't go anywhere.


	37. Spill

**A/N:** So remember what I said about the flashbacks coming into play? They come into play in this chapter just a little bit but not as much as they will be coming into play in a few chapters. Also, Alex drops a pretty big bomb on Jo in this chapter. I hinted towards it in the VERY beginning of the story...around chapter 3. If you didn't pick up on the hint, I explain it at the end of the chapter anyway. So enjoy!

* * *

I feel like my entire life has turned into nothing but moving cars, clear driveways and the sound of cheesy radio music. It took me a while to get to the point I'm at but I got here and now I'm going crazy. I'm so tired of being in a car. I'm tired of driving, I'm tired of looking out the window and seeing nothing but road but mostly, I'm tired of being stationary in one spot for hours on end. I don't mind being in his company—I don't mind that at all. But it's just so boring sitting in the car while we wait to get to our next destination. "Have you given anymore thought to what I said?" I know I probably shouldn't be complaining considering the fact that this is the last state we'll stay in before we get to California but yeah, I'm complaining. We stopped at the gas station to fill up his gas tank about an hour ago and we've been driving straight ever since. I tuck my sweaty hair behind my ear and look over at him. "Alex?" I know he's ignoring me. He ignored me last night when I first asked him the question and he's ignoring me now that I'm bringing it back up. If we were in Kansas right now, I wouldn't bring it up. If we were in Colorado right now, I still wouldn't bring it up. But being that we're about to exit Arizona and enter Nevada right now, I don't think we can put the question off anymore. If I' m not mistaken, I've asked him this once before and he just responded with "go to sleep, Jo." And I know for a fact that I asked him last night, right after we brushed our teeth to go to bed. He just refuses to answer and dammit, we can't put this off any longer. "Stop ignoring me Alex. I know you're ignoring me, you're blatantly ignoring me, STOP ignoring me."

"Is it so hard to believe that I don't want to talk about it? I don't want to talk about it Jo. I shouldn't have to talk about it if I don't want to talk about it." He grips the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are prominent through his skin. "No. I haven't given any thought to the damn question. You keep rushing it. We don't have to talk about this right exactly now, do we?" He glances over at me. I suck my teeth, roll my eyes and cross my arms in a pout. If he doesn't want to talk about it right now then fine, we don't have to talk about it. But _when _are we going to talk about it then? When my bags are packed and the plane is taking off? When I'm in freaking Massachusetts already? "Go 'head." He mumbles. "Say it." I shake my head and look out the window at the outskirts of the state we're leaving. We've been doing so well with no arguments for the day. The last time we argued was yesterday at the waterpark about him laughing at me. Since then, we've had no arguments. I know that the comment I need to make to him will cause an argument so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. This is me picking and choosing my own battles. "Say it. You're not going to sit over there with a sourpuss look on your face. If you have something to say just say it."

"...Then when the hell do you want to talk about it, Alex? When my plane is taking off? When I'm on my way to my first class in Massachusetts? When do you want to talk about it? If not now, then when? We don't have an unlimited amount of time here. I'm leaving. I think we put it off long enough, don't you?" I turn my head so I'm facing him and he says nothing and does nothing but grip the steering wheel tighter. "Right. Just ignore me like you always do. Ignore everything, why don't you? Ignore the fact that I'm leaving, ignore the fact that I'm asking you a question, ignore me like you ignore every-freaking-thing in your life." I bawl my hands into fists to control the blossoming anger in the pit of my stomach. He remains idle, quietly driving his car along the road. The fact that he's quiet pisses me off more than he'd piss me off if we were talking. The fact that he's quiet just means that he doesn't have anything to say to me when in reality, he should have a butt-load of things to say to me. At this point, I feel like we're beating a dead horse when we talk about me and Harvard but at the same time, I refuse to leave him in the middle of things. When I leave, I want to know what the deal is between us. I don't want to spend the next four years across the country from him just wondering what life would've been if I had either stayed or he had come with me. I don't want to leave him without knowing where we stand because then, I won't want to stay. "...I know you like to act like you're all tough and you don't care about things, but see Alex, I do. I think about things. I'm not like you. I don't like to live my life on a whim. I like to know." I look at him again, expecting an answer this time around. He doesn't give me one. Instead, he just sits there and steers the car with catlike precision like he can do it in his sleep. "Why do you want to wonder, Alex?! Why do you want to live your life wondering what's going to happen?! I don't wanna wonder, Alex...I wanna know." Unsurprisingly, he says nothing. I exhale dramatically and run my fingers through my hair.

_Why do I decide to put up with him? I'm really starting to question my freaking sanity at this point because isn't the definition of insanity—doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I keep giving him chance after chance and I expect him to show me that he's more than just some callous asshole but he's not. He's not showing me it. Have I gone insane? Why in the hell do I decide to put up with him? _ I uncross my arms and rest my palms on the knees of my sweatpants. I can't even stand being in the same car as him anymore. I just want to know what we are to each other. I thought for sure we were boyfriend and girlfriend but I'm confused. Is he just someone that means a lot to me? Because boyfriends and girlfriends don't have as many issues as me and Alex do. No, boyfriends and girlfriends actually talk about the crap that's bothering them. Boyfriends and girlfriends don't just sweep crap under the rug and act like it doesn't exist. So what are me and Alex to each other? I sigh and gaze out the window and catch a glimpse of a sign that says "Welcome to Nevada!". _Well we're in Nevada now...one more state until California and I still don't know what the hell is going on because he won't freaking talk to me. _I know Alex's game though. I know that he doesn't like to talk about _things_ that he deems as painful. If something is potentially painful for him then he won't deal with it right away. He'll toss it aside and deal with the feelings later and it always comes back to bite him in the ass. I put my head against the door frame and stare outside at the new state we just entered.

It doesn't look much different from Arizona. It's still pretty flat and dead. Everything is a shade of brown; light brown, dark brown, sand brown...it doesn't matter because everything is a shade of brown. I take my hands off my sweatpants and start to fold them when something bright pink in color catches my eye. I turn my palms up so they're facing me and look at them. Across them, right below the pads of my knuckles are symmetrical, pink scars. Scars that didn't scab over but just started to form new skin—which sounds kind of gross. I push on them with the opposite fingers and find that if I push hard enough, they ache a bit. With the ache of the scars comes the realization of why I put up with him. I stroke my fingers along the scabs—the burn marks.

"_Come on, Jo...you're alive." Gentle but forceful slaps are trailed across my face. I am alive, I know that. But my chest feels so heavy and my eyes burn. I feel like if I open them, they're going to burn out of my skull. And my chest feels like there's a thousand pound weight on it. My throat is all...scratchy. It hurts to breathe. But I'm alive...I am that. "Come on." More slaps line my face and I feel a cough forming in the base of my esophagus. I squint my eyes before I open them just to mimic the gesture of blinking just to see how bad it'll hurt when I actually start blinking. It doesn't hurt too bad. I flutter my eyelids open and just a little bit, I'm shocked by the deep green eyes staring down at me—hovering like he's going to kiss me. Was he going to kiss me?_

_"Ehhhem… ehhem." A cough jolts my body and all I taste is soot in the back of my throat. I taste charcoal and smoke. I know how charcoal and smoke tastes because tonight wouldn't be the first time I've tasted the air of a fire before. My apartment burned down tonight and I swear, I was going to die. But he...he came and got me._

I put my palms down and try to force the memory out of my head. While my apartment burning isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me, it's definitely in my top five nights I'd like to forget. I don't ever want to feel that helpless again. That night, I really resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. I accepted it, I knew it was going to happen and really...I didn't mind it happening. I knew I was going to die and I really didn't care. I think a small part of me wanted to die in that fire. The part of me that pussyfooted around the day I almost committed. The part of me that talked myself out of it. The part of myself that was just too damn cowardly to actually do what I wanted to do that day. Yeah, that part of me wanted to die in that fire. If I was too much of a wuss to do it myself, at least the fire would've done it for me. A part of me—a very small part, but a part nonetheless—wanted to die in the fire. "...Why'd you save me?" I don't even turn to face him because I don't feel like I can. I feel like my thoughts are being written in the sky for him to see. It's as if I can't face him because he can tell that a part of me wishes he would've let me burn to death. He knows that I wish he wouldn't have even came to my rescue. I know my thoughts are just contained to myself, in this tiny little minute brain of mine. But I can't stop the feeling that I have...the feeling that he knows what I'm thinking. "You didn't even like me back then but you still saved me. What was your reasoning back then?" I tuck my hair behind my ear and wait for him to answer.

I know very well that he didn't have to save me. Back when the fire happened, we didn't even know each other. I didn't know who Alex Karev was and he didn't know who Jo Wilson was. We didn't know each other from Adam...so I'm wondering what possessed him to come back for me. He could have skipped town and saved himself from the menagerie. He didn't have to risk his own life just to save mine. Maybe if we had fallen in love with each other before he went back in the building to get me, I'd understand his reasoning better. But we were perfect strangers when he saved me so I'm just wondering what his logic in saving me was back then. It's not like he knew we were going to love each other when he went into an unstable burning building just to grab me. "My...uncle." He starts and...well, I didn't know how much I missed his voice until he started talking. I presume we were silent for only about...five or ten minutes but still, that was long enough for me to miss his voice. "My uncle called me and..." His voice trails off and I can tell that he's thinking that I'm trying to set him up for something. I'm really not trying to set him up for anything...I'm really just wondering. "My Uncle Buck. He called me and asked me if I was okay because he knew. I had called him earlier that day to tell him that somebody broke my window with a brick. Somebody smashed my window with a brick and there was a note attached. He saw the article in the paper and he called to ask if I was alright before I went to bed that night and I told him I was fine because up until that point, I was. Then he called back in the middle of the night to ask if I was okay again and I asked him why he was so worried and he told me that rioters were breaking into the store and trying to burn it down. And I was going to just leave town as soon as I could. I packed all my stuff up within half an hour and I got in the car and I was going to high-tail it to California. But then I kept thinking about how Pop's store was burning down...then I thought about how you lived above the store. And I had to at least try to save you...I couldn't have that on my conscience. Knowing that somebody died because I tried to write something...I couldn't live with that. So I went back in to get you..."

"So you only went in because it was going to weigh on your conscience if you let me burn to death." I snicker but not because I find it funny, rather because I find it particularly amusing. That sounds about right. That's classic Alex right there. Only concerned about how something's going to affect him? Yeah, that's Alex for you. "That sounds like you." I shrug my shoulders and resume looking out the window. Though he won't admit it, I'm pretty sure I softened him up a little bit. Before he met me, he was a real piece of work. He was rude, arrogant, selfish, snobbish, callous and downright cold-hearted. I softened him up. He actually thinks before he does things and I've noticed that he makes conscious efforts to be a nicer person. I won't say anything too soon though because I don't want to jinx it, but I can definitely say that Alex is a totally different person than he used to be two weeks ago. "Do you ever...regret going in the house...after me?"

He slams on the brakes in the middle of the freeway, the car jerks forward and I fly forward since I'm not wearing my seat belt. I catch myself with my hands on the dashboard just before my head bangs off it and the wheels on the car screech hard and loud like you hear in one of The Fast and The Furious movies. "Are you okay?" The car is still at a stop, dead in the middle of the freeway. My hair is all over my head from the sudden impact and I slowly lift my head up to see exactly what he felt the need to slam on the breaks like that for. I assume he was trying to avoid hitting something. When I look up at the road, it's clear. There's nothing he could've been avoiding. "Jo, are you okay?" He's looking at me but I'm still trying to catch my breath from the miniature heart attack he just gave me. He almost killed me! I look over at him with wrinkled eyebrows and a disgruntled expression. I'm so irritated with him right now. I shake my head at him and start buckling up my seat belt. Why the hell he felt the need to randomly slam on the breaks like that is beyond me. I know I should've been wearing my seat belt but still...he could've just killed me. He could've sent me head-first through the damn windshield. "Sorry 'bout that." He gives a real lackluster, half-assed apology that I don't accept. "You just surprised me with that."

"With what?" I'm still incredibly pissed off with him. "I couldn't possibly have warranted you to slam on the friggin' brakes like that. You could've freaking killed me, Alex! Watch what the hell you're doing!"

He eases his car back into drive and luckily for him, the brakes aren't damaged. He completely ignores me and moves on to the other subject at hand. "Why would you even ask me something like that?" The look on his face is focused. His eyes are dead on the road, his hands are holding the steering wheel tight and his mouth isn't turned up into a smile nor is it in a grimace. It's straight and emotionless. "Do you know how ridiculous you sounded just a minute ago? To even suggest that I would've wanted you to die...why would you ask me something so stupid? I mean really, Jo? Was that a serious question? You've said some pretty stupid things before but that definitely takes the cake for the stupidest thing you've said." I roll my eyes. "You really think I regret saving you? You really think for one second that I'd take back what I did? Take back saving you?" I bite my lip and stare out the window again because it's simpler to look out the window than it is to look at him. "...I wouldn't take back a minute of it. I'd do it all over again at the drop of a hat. You get on my nerves, you pick with me, you irritate the hell out of me, you're a pain in my ass. But I've never regretted it, no. I've NEVER regretted it. In fact...sometimes, I feel like that's the only thing I did right in my life." He mumbles that last part and I can hear his insecurities seeping through his voice. "No...I don't regret saving you."

I lick my lips and stop looking out the window. I look down at his seat cushion and take a breath. Time for me to be 110% honest with him. "...Sometimes I wish you didn't." I say that so low and inaudibly that he had to really be listening in order to hear it but like I said before, I know Alex and I know that he listened. He always listens when I talk...that's one of the many things I love about him. He always, always, always listens. I twist a strand of my hair around my finger and nibble on it.

"Why would you say something like that?" He asks me that like he's unsure of what I even said. It's like he's trying to figure out how to approach what I just said. I get it though. What I just said was pretty heavy...I admit. I slouch my shoulders, sigh and pretend to be interested in my hair. "Jo..." He calls my name and I can't bring myself to look at him. What if he feels guilty? Knowing that I wanted to die, I mean. What if he feels guilty for saving me? I mean...he shouldn't. He shouldn't feel guilty at all because I am eternally grateful that he did what he did. In saving me, he gave me...hope, kind of. It's like...I thought burning would be the answer to everything I ever wanted. It'd be the answer to ending my miserable, pathetic, mediocre life. I thought the fire was a sign that it was my time to go be with mom and dad. But really, the fire was my beginning. I met him...I met the love of my life. And while he can't completely fix me and the heaviness I carry around in my heart all the time, he sure has helped me. So maybe the fire wasn't supposed to be my ending. Maybe it was supposed to be my beginning. "Jo, why would say something like that? Don't let me hear that come outta your mouth again. Don't go around saying stuff like that. I would... I would lose my MIND if something happened to you. Don't joke like that. Don't let me hear you joke like that."

"Not joking." I mumble. See, this is why I never wanted to tell anybody that I was/still currently am the "s" word. Nobody believes me. I told Paige that I was thinking about it before she took me out to get drunk after mom died. She said, "shut up, Jo. Everybody loves you...it's just the grief talking." She didn't believe me when I said it. I didn't even believe myself, if I'm being honest. I always thought I was the "s" word but I never really believed myself until I was so incredibly close to taking those pills. That's when I started thinking that I was really...really...suicidal. Just my luck that I tell Alex and he doesn't believe me either. He thinks I'm joking. Tell me, what part of I'm...suicidal, sounds like a joke? I still don't even like saying the "s" word but it's what I am. And I'm so scared that once I go to Massachusetts all alone without him, I'm going to do something to myself. I'm so scared that the kind of depression I had during my sophomore year of college will come back. I'm not as strong as I was back then, what if I can't handle it?

"What are you saying right now, Jo?" Just our luck, he spots an exit that leads to a gas station and even though I know this is a clear detour from getting us to the hotel we're supposed to be going to, he takes it. "What are you saying to me?" He speeds up and makes it to the gas station within seconds. I roll my eyes and fold my hands in my lap. If I knew he was going to make a deal out of it, I wouldn't have told him. I guess maybe that's why I haven't seen a shrink for my issues. Because I really do hate talking about it. I just hate looking weak, you know? I survived multiple foster homes. I survived almost being burned to death TWICE. And I can't survive a little depression? I hate looking so weak. I wish I had never mentioned it to Alex now. I don't feel like telling him about it. He pulls into a parking space in the parking lot of the gas station and parks the car without hesitation. I twist my hair around my finger again and look out the window at all the Nevada residents dressed in their daisy dukes and thigh-high boots. "You gonna tell me about it?" He asks and being very honest, I shake my head. "Alright. I'm not moving this car..." He starts. He unbuckles his seat belt and scoots over so he's literally sitting on the median. He's sitting on the cup holders in the middle of his seats. He puts his arms around me and squeezes so tight that it hurts but at the same time, it feels good. "I'm not moving this car and I'm not letting you go until you talk to me about it. I have all day." I sigh. "So if you're not joking then tell me what you're talking about. What's all this about?"

"...Did you know I almost burned to death? Twice?" I sidetrack the conversation with another topic. I know he's not going to let me go until he at least feels like I'm telling him new information. If I reiterate some of the things I've already told him, he'll feel like we're not getting anywhere and he'll never let me go. This way, at least I'll get him to let me go. It's not exactly the information he's looking for but it's something new and it'll trick him into thinking that I'm actually opening up to him. So I'll start with that. "Yeah, the first time was when I was seven...and I was in my...fifth foster home. The um...the couple I got placed with...they were way strict and they didn't really like little girls. So I...I was supposed to clean up. After everything I ate, I had to clean up. I was eating chocolate ice cream one day and I got it all over the white table cloth." I'm actually surprising myself with how much of this I'm able to regurgitate. I thought I had forgotten all about this incident but as I'm talking about it, the details are just flourishing in my head and spilling out of my mouth. "And they locked me in the basement as punishment. It was the middle of a brutal winter and I was freezing down there. So I knocked on the door to ask for a blanket since I was cold...and nobody answered. I found a lighter and I remembered back when my foster father lit the grill up once and it was warm so I thought I'd light a fire to keep myself warm. I did but I caught the downstairs curtains on fire and almost burned the whole house down." I take a break in talking. "...I guess every since then, I've been sort of a fire-phobe. I don't like lighting lighters and I don't like the Fourth of July. My stoves can't be gas otherwise I won't cook on them...they have to be electric. I never have candles on my birthday cake and I can't strike a match without pissing my pants. If I'm faced with fire, I usually just shut down..."

"Really?" His arms are still around my body which tells me that he didn't forget the topic we're supposed to be on. _Damn, that usually works. Damn. _"...I dunno if it's a phobia but I don't like closed doors." He shrugs his shoulders and pulls me a little bit closer to him. "In houses, that is. Closed doors are cool as long as they're keeping somebody out but I don't close doors in my house. All my doors are open except for my front door, which is shut and locked at all times. My bedroom door has to be open, my bathroom door, my office door...all doors have to be open. They can't close." That's weird. I guess when you look at it, maybe my fire phobia can be weird but not as weird as his OCD about doors. "Walked in on my mom cheating on my dad when I was nine." He opens up to me a little bit and I appreciate the effort he's making towards making me feel comfortable. It's working...sort of. "I opened that door up and saw her on top of some dude that wasn't my dad. She told me to play the quiet game but..." He swallows. "When you're a little kid like that and you don't know what sex is...I thought somebody was in there hurting my mother. So I told my dad...they got into a big ass argument and that's just another way I contributed to my parents' divorce." _That's rough for a nine year old to walk in and see that...dang. _"Ever since then, I haven't liked closed doors. Closed doors are cool...as long as they're keeping somebody out. Never when they're keeping somebody in..."

"And I don't sleep." I add on to the confession about my fear of fire. I think this is when I'm at my most content. When I'm in Alex's arms and we're just talking. I feel like I know all I need to know about Alex already but I'm always game to learn more about him. I'm always up for knowing all there is to know about this man. And equally, he seems interested in hearing about me as well. So as long as this is keeping me from having to talk about me being the "s" word, I'll take it. "I think I've told you that before but...I really don't sleep. Sometimes I have...nightmares, I guess that's what they are." I shrug my shoulders. "And they're really bad nightmares. I'll wake up screaming or sweating and it gets pretty intense. I used to be scared to fall asleep. My parents had to take me to this doctor...and I got put on medication to help me sleep but when my parents died, the insurance lapsed and all that...so I couldn't keep getting my sleeping pills." I bite my lip thinking about something else I can tell him because I don't feel like that "confession" was deep enough. It's kind of like a game we're playing to see who had it worse. To see who can one-up each other. "...And I was on pills for my anger issues. I'm...I get violent. Like...punch holes in things, break things, shatter my phone violent. I broke a girl's arm...in grade school. For pulling my hair." I hear him gasp which makes me smile like I won this round. "I didn't think I hit her that hard though. I punched her in her shoulder and she came back the next day with a sling. All I got was a note sent home to my parents though."

"I used to get violent." He admits. "But my dad used to take me to the batting cages whenever I got angry...so I could take the anger out on the balls instead of people. Then he made me take up wrestling. You ever try putting your anger into a sport?" I shake my head. "You should try. I bet you would've been killer in softball with that kind of strength." I nod. He rubs my back and while I know that sitting on the cup holders can't possibly be comfortable for him, he's not complaining. "...You ready to spill your guts yet?"

I just shrug my shoulders. "It's not a big deal, really." I take a deep breath before I start because this isn't something that I just deal with. I usually just brush this stuff aside and deal with it at a later time. This isn't something I just freely talk about. "I already told you how sad I am. I'm sad all the time though, not just once every blue moon. I'm sad all the time. It's constant waves of sadness. And it's just like...sometimes I wish I could just...die. Sometimes I think about ending it. I mean...it crosses my mind daily. I think about offing myself daily but I've only actually considered it..like twice. Once when my mom died and once when I got fired from my job." I don't want him to feel guilty so I just omit the fact that it was him that fired me the last time I contemplated suicide. "I'm depressed, Alex. Nothing anyone says or does takes it away. I'm just always upset. Always. It's like living with a rain cloud over your head and someday it rains, other days it doesn't but it's still there. But..." I feel tears coming on so I try to fight them. I look up at the ceiling and wipe my nose. "With you, it hasn't rained in a while. It hasn't rained in...in two weeks, it hasn't rained. And that's amazing to me. That's...that's amazing. It doesn't rain with you. You're the only person that took the rain away, ever. And now I'm just scared..." I swallow a lump in my throat and a couple tears fall. "I was so strong my sophomore year of college. I put down the pills. I had them to my lips and I swear I was going to do it...I don't know how I stopped but I did and I'm sitting here to tell the story. So now I'm scared... like..." I wipe my tears...pesky tears. "What if you're the only person that can do that? What if I...go to Massachusetts, whatever. But what if I never see you again after that?" I have tears in my eyes but I look him in his eyes. His eyes are so warm and understanding. "I don't want to never see you again..." I wipe my tears again. "You make the rain stop...what if it starts again? When you're gone?"

Without any further word, he takes the sleeve of his shirt and wipes my face—running nose and all—off. He cradles my face in his hands like I'm gentle and if he's too hard, I'll break; and he wipes my face so gingerly. "...I'll tell you one thing for certain..." He uses his fingers to wipe around my eyes better. "If you don't go to Massachusetts and you stay with me...that storm cloud over your head will get bigger...and it'll rain...every single day because you didn't go. You will regret giving up...you will. And I'm not going to let that happen. I'm not going to let you give up on something that you want. That cloud over your head will only get bigger if you stay. It might not get bigger right away. It might get bigger ten...twenty years down the line, but it WILL get bigger Jo. If you stay, it'll get bigger."

"So why can't you come with me?" I just blurt it out.

"...I have a job offer out there." He mumbles and his face falls flat...like he's wincing at the thought of disappointing me. My heart feels like it was just deflated. I have no hope for this anymore. "I wasn't gonna take it but I did. After sending all their emails to spam, I finally emailed them back a couple nights ago when we were in Colorado. They offered me a stable writing job. I submit manuscripts to them once a month and the first five chapters of my new material are new on the fifth of every month. As long as I submit the chapters to them by the fifth of every month, I get $12,000 a month...a MONTH. I have to stay in California though...because I have to report for meetings every so often. I got a job in Burbank...only a half hour drive from Long Beach." He kisses my forehead as if that's going to make anything better. "You told me I shouldn't give up on my dream...and I'm not. This is _my _dream job, Jo... Harvard's your dream and this is mine."

I put my head down and try so, so, SO hard to hold back the onslaught of tears but I can't. They come barreling down and a wail comes out of my mouth. "So this is really gonna be goodbye, isn't it?" The tears are just pouring out of my eyes. "No...Alex, there has to be some way... there has to be..."

"...There's no way, Jo. Everything's set...you're going and I'm staying." He starts wiping my face again. "Babe, please don't cry..."

"...We can try long distance." I sniff and wipe my face and nod my head eagerly. "We can go long distance...we'll...we'll Skype and FaceTime every night. And...and you can fly out once a month...we can do this...we can do this." I'm desperate, aren't I?

"That's not going to work and you know it won't." He holds onto my hands. "Jo..." He starts but I really think he might cry too. "...Someone told me..." He clears his throat. "Someone told me that...sometimes love is stepping back from a situation because it's the right thing to do. She...she told me that sometimes love is walking away. ...I don't know much...and I don't listen to much that this person says, but I think she might've been right on the money with that one." He clears his throat again. "I love you...and I know you love me...so we have to let each other go. Because sometimes love is letting go."

"...You really believe that?"

"I do. I love you so I want to see you happy...so I'm letting you go." He kisses my forehead again. "And if you love me like I think you do, you'll understand why I have to stay and follow my own dream..."

"...I understand it...doesn't mean I like it." I try to pull myself together.

_Screw love._

* * *

**A/N:** So remember in the earlier chapters, after Alex fired Jo and he said he was waiting for an email from his publisher but instead, he got one from a spam account instead? Yep. That was the job in California.


	38. Swear It

**A/N:** Get your tissues ready because this chapter MIGHT make you cry!

This chapter is pretty freaking good...if I do say so myself, lol.

* * *

I toss one of my light blue t-shirts into the growing pile and grab another article of clothing from the dirty pile. We just got settled in our hotel not too long ago and the first thing Jo noticed when we got here is that they have a laundromat on the ground floor. She's been dying to wash clothes ever since we entered Arizona. We're in Henderson, Nevada now and not far away from being in California. We'll be in California by tomorrow night, I believe. These days, I'm not in a rush to get to California. I don't know how to explain it but I just feel that once we get to California, we're officially on a timer. We're already on a timer, clearly. Our time together is already limited but I feel like once we get to California, it's just so much more official...and for that reason, I'm in no rush to get to California. I pick up a white pair of Jo's underwear and put them in the pile with the other white clothes. She wanted to take a shower before she started washing clothes and I told her that I'd start washing clothes while she was in the shower but she saw me dump all the clothes into a basket and then she told me that she'd do it. Apparently you're supposed to separate clothes into "whites &amp; lights" and "darks." I didn't know that. I thought you could just wash all the clothes together at one time. She's going to wash the clothes instead of me but I want to be helpful nonetheless so I'm separating the clothes for her.

You know, Jo's going to make a man very happy someday. She's just so...motherly. She knows things about how to keep a nice home and stuff and she's actually teaching me. Before I met her, I didn't know that you have to let swimsuits and wet clothes hang up to dry before you put them in a dirty clothes basket. When we were at the gas station earlier after having our talk, we saw a mother changing her toddler's diaper and Jo got upset when the mother was wiping her child. I also didn't know that you had to wipe little girls a certain way, otherwise you'll give them an infection. She schooled me on that too. So so far, Jo's taught me a total of three life lessons. One, hang up wet clothes so they don't get moldy. Two, wipe little girls downwards instead of upwards to avoid giving them infections. And three, separate dirty clothes into piles so the colors don't bleed. Like I said, she's going to make a guy really happy someday. She'd be an excellent wife and mother. I don't like to think about her being with anyone else but the reality is that once she leaves, she's going to go to Massachusetts and she's going to meet someone else. She's going to meet a man that's her own age and she's going to get married and well...her husband is just lucky.

I pick up a white sock and toss it in the white pile as well. As I turn to grab another piece of clothing, my phone starts to ring. I know it's mine because I had to change my ringtone now that me and Jo have the same phone. I changed mine to something less annoying anyway while Jo kept the real annoying ringtone. I put my hands on my knees and pull myself off the spot in the floor where I was sitting. I walk over towards the dresser, pick it up and look at the caller ID. I kind of want to ignore it but I remember the promise I made to Jo back in Arizona and for that reason, I tap my thumb on the green "answer" button and hold the phone to my ear. "Hey, ma..." I tilt my head to the side and brace the phone with my ear so I can go back to separating laundry like I was just doing before the phone interrupted. I walk over and plop myself back down in the midst of laundry and resume separating.

"Hey baby." Her voice is sleepy like she either just woke up or is ready to go to bed. I take the phone away from my ear and glance at the time. It's 4:00 here in Nevada and Kansas City is two hours ahead, which would make it 6:00 there. Maybe she just woke up from a nap or something. "Just calling to check in...how are you doing?" She clears her throat into the receiver and her voice is immediately clearer after that. "You in California yet?"

"No, not yet...but we're good." I'm finished going through all the dirty clothes so I gather them all up and put the white pile into the basket while I put the dark pile in one of those pop-up baskets the hotel provided us with, since the dark pile is smaller than the white pile. "We should get there tomorrow night. We probably won't get into Long Beach tomorrow night but we'll definitely be in the state by tomorrow night. So we're doing okay." I stand up again and sit on the bed this time. "How're you and Amber and thingy?" I say "thingy" not as a sign of disrespect but really because I can't remember the guy's name for the life of me. I run through names in my head to see if I can come up with my stepfather's but nope, nothing. I'm drawing a blank.

"Me, Amber and _Donald _are alright." She answers me, emphasis on the "Donald". _Yeah, that's right. That's his name. Oops...I forgot. _"How's Jo doing?" Just like the last time I talked to her on the phone, she makes it a point to ask about Jo. Nobody wants me to be in a relationship with Jo more than my mom and my sister do. I haven't told either one of them that me and Jo are actually a thing now and I don't intend on telling them either. It's not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed to be dating her—anyone would be lucky to call Jo their girlfriend. But I just don't want them to get all involved. Jo's a pretty private person and she's not something to toy around with. Our relationship isn't something to toy around with and I know if I tell my mom and my sister, they're going to start forcing themselves into the relationship the same way they insist on forcing themselves into my life. They're going to push towards marriage and babies and taking things to the next level and then I'd be stuck explaining to them that this relationship is really only temporary. I'd like to marry Jo, sure. But nobody...and I do mean NOBODY...wants me to marry Jo more than my mom and Amber do. They _love _her...maybe a little bit more than I do.

"Jo's alright... she's in the shower right now..." I throw the shower part in there because I know that she plans on asking me if she can talk to her next. The last time I talked to my mom on the phone, she asked me if I could put Jo on the phone and I gave her the same excuse. I didn't lie to her on either occasions though. Jo was in the shower then and she's in the shower now. "We're gonna wash up some clothes and probably just hang out in the hotel room until later, when we go out to grab something to eat."

"What's going on with you two? Anything yet?" Again, I'm not surprised by her questions. "Or are you guys still just friends?" _Speak of the devil... _As soon as my mom gets done asking me if we're still just friends, the bathroom door opens up and Jo walks through it. She has a dark blue towel wrapped around her body and her hair is dry and up in a sloppy bun. She goes at once over to the dresser and picks up the bottle of lotion I unpacked from my bag. Respecting the fact that I'm on the phone, she sits down quietly on the bed and starts rubbing lotion on her long legs. She mouths, "who're you talking to?" at me and I mouth back "mother." She nods and keeps putting lotion on her skin. _What's the sense in lying to my mom about us? I'm 30 years old...I don't have to explain my relationships to my mother._

"No actually... we decided to try things." I admit to my mom and she gasps so loud that I can figuratively hear the smile in her voice. I don't think Jo knows what I just said to her because she's still acting disinterested, rubbing lotion on her arms and her shoulders. "Yeah, so we're dating...if you call it that." When I say that line, she puts the bottle of lotion down and freezes. Her head eerily turns and she looks at me like she can't believe I just told my mom that. I grin and take the phone away from my ear. I put it on speaker and hold it between us so she can hear just how much my mom and Amber were waiting to hear this. "And it's going well too. She..." I try to think of a way to scale down what I want to say about Jo since she's sitting here and hearing everything but you know what? I don't think I need to scale it down. She can hear what I have to say about her. "She makes me happy, ma. Real happy. I..." I clear my throat and glance over at her. She's looking down at her towel and her cheeks are rosy red but her face is expressionless. "I really picked a good one with her."

"That's good baby, so good. I'm so happy for you two. See, I knew you guys would end up together...I knew it. She's such a beautiful girl and watching you two interact was like watching one of your stories unfolding. You did pick a good one. You picked a perfect one. I really like her. I can't wait to tell Amber, she's going to be so excited. She adores Jo. I do too, but...you know Amber." My mom gushes and I look over at Jo while she does, since my mom's on speaker. Jo's cheeks are so flushed but her face is still expressionless and she's playing with a string hanging off her towel. "You just made my day with that...god, I can't stop smiling! Ugh, I have to go tell Amber. Just wait a second..." She says and I hear a shuffle in the background so I assume she put the phone down. In the background, I hear my mom scream Amber's name which makes me crack a smile. Jo seems uncomfortable though.

"What's the matter?" I lean over towards her and put my hand on the small of her back. She keeps her head down like she did something wrong and sighs. I rub my hand along the towel on her back and when I get a good look at her face, I see that she has tears coming from her eyes. "Jo...Jo, what's wrong?" I scoot over further towards her and put my hand on her chin. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" She shakes her head and puts her hands over her face. "Something's wrong...come on, tell me... tell me." She shakes her head again but the tears just keep falling off her cheeks. I pick my phone up off the bed and since I'm still on hold with my mom, I put my arms around her body and pull her closer to me and squeeze her. "Tell me what's wrong. What did I do?" I put my lips against her cheek and stroke her shoulder. "What'd I do?"

"You shouldn't have told her. I told you...I told you not to tell her, didn't I? I told you the last time you were on the phone with her not to tell her about us. You shouldn't have told..." She wipes her tears with her thumb and sniffs. "Now who's gonna break it to her and Amber when we break up? I sure as hell don't want to be the one to tell them. I just wanted to keep this a secret until we figure out what's going on. You just told them that we're dating...and a month or so from now, when they call again, you're going to have to tell them that we broke up. I don't want to disappoint them."

"You won't disappoint anyone." I kiss her cheek again and rub her back to comfort her. I see where she's coming from and yeah, she has a point. She has a very good point actually. But I'm so happy with Jo it's unreal. She makes me the happiest man on the planet and I couldn't keep that from my mom. The joy I feel when I'm with Jo is something that I just want to share with the world. "My mom and Amber love you. You heard it yourself. They love you. You're not disappointing them. And even if you were, you don't need to be worrying about that. Let me worry about that." I move my lips up and kiss her temple. "I'm happy with you. I think my mom deserves to know how happy I am. My family adores you...worry about that. Worry about...this conversation you're about to have with Amber." She cracks a smile and that's when I can tell that I've successfully cheered her up.

I don't want her to know this, but I've been really worried about her ever since we had that talk earlier today. She told me that she's depressed and suicidal and she even told me that she actually tried to kill herself once. I'm trying to be strong for her but I gotta admit that I'm having a really tough time dealing with that. I have half a mind to get her a doctor. I've been thinking about ways to help her and I was thinking that maybe once we get to California, I'll take her to see someone that she can talk to. Not that she can't talk to me because she can. She can talk to me about anything in this world she wants to talk to me about and I'll listen for as long as she needs me to listen. But she needs a professional...someone that can help her. The only thing is that Jo is so independent that she probably won't want help and I don't want to force her to do anything against her will. I'm just worried about her. I said this before but I don't think she knows how much I mean it so it bears saying again. I will lose my MIND if anything ever happens to her. I swear to God if anything ever happened to Jo, I'd curl up in a ball and die myself. I need her to be okay without me when she goes to Massachusetts. I need her to be alright. I'm in love with her.

"Alex!" A voice comes from my phone but that voice doesn't belong to my mother. It belongs to Amber and I know that I'm in for something wicked if I have to talk to Amber. As I pick my phone back up, Jo wriggles herself free from my hold and stands up so she can get dressed. I willingly let her go and take the phone off speaker. I put the phone back to my ear and lean back against a pillow. I pick up the remote and turn the TV on so I have something to watch but of course, I'm looking at Jo while she gets dressed. You can't really expect me not to look at her when she looks the way she does. She's everything. Beautiful, hot, sexy, gorgeous...everything.

"What Amber?" I hold the phone to my ear and start flicking through channels. Jo's putting on her underwear and a t-shirt. "No, you can't talk to Jo." I mumble, slightly annoyed with her. I really do think that we as humans are biologically inclined to despise our siblings. Me and Amber aren't very close with each other but we still annoy the hell out of each other, just like normal brother and sisters do. "Because Amber, she's in the shower. She doesn't want to talk to you and plus, my phone's about to die." Jo looks at me and shakes her head at me, probably for being mean to Amber or something. "Yes, Amber...yes. Yes, we date. Yeah...she's my girlfriend. Probably not. Probably... I don't know. Yeah, I love her. Yes...I'm nice to her." Jo walks over to the bed and sits down next to where I'm laying. She holds her hand out. "Here, you can talk to her. Make it quick though." I hand her the phone and sigh at my annoying little sister.

"Hey Amber." Jo plugs her ear with her free hand and flops back against a pillow. She's smiling and it's really not until now that I realize that she and Amber actually are good friends. I sigh again but this time it's because I wish I could shut my thoughts up. _I'm really not going to find someone like her. Someone that my mom and my sister love and someone that makes me as happy as she does. I'll find somebody else to marry someday...I know I will. And when I go to her graduation in a few years... _I stare at the wall, unblinking as my thoughts deepen and blossom into a full-blown daydream...

"_Alex!" She barrels towards me, through the crowd of graduates with their families, holding a dark red graduation cap on her head. Is that really her? It's her. I can tell from those eyes, I remember them. I've seen them in my dreams throughout the last four years. They're still the same light brown with a greenish tinge to them in the right light. And her smile is just the way I remember it as well. Her top teeth are perfectly aligned while the bottom half are just a little bit crooked. Her face is chubbier—fuller than the last time I saw her and she looks older. Not a young, barely-pass-for-23 kind of face anymore but the face of a grown woman. She's taller too but it's probably the heels she has on. "Hi!" She doesn't stop running as she nears me. Instead, she throws her arms out and wraps them around me and I pick her up only so I don't fall from the way she threw herself at me. I think I feel tears stinging my eyes. She smells the way I remember her too. Like shampoo and perfume. She smells like...like Jo. "Oh my gosh...hi." She's talking directly in my ear. Her voice is different too. She's so...grown up. "How've you been?!" She takes her arms from around me and I let her go._

"_I've been doing real well." I put my hands in my pockets and continue looking at her. Her hair is different. It's still silky and pretty like I remember it being from all those nights I'd run my fingers through it. But it's shorter. It just barely touches her chest and it has blonde highlights. She has bouncy curls in it. Man, she looks beautiful. I can't believe it's been four years. "How about yourself, Jo?" Saying her name feels like a farce. I've been saying her name at least twice a month for the last four years but this is the first time I've said it while she's standing in front of me in FOUR years. "You look great..." I look her from head to toe. She's definitely grown up from that 23 year old I used to love. Her figure is fuller. She put on some weight but it doesn't look bad. She has very defined curves...even in her graduation gown, she has curves. Her boobs are bigger than they used to be and she's just so much more durable than that little petite girl I road across the country with. "And I made it...just like I promised."_

"_'I can't believe you remembered our promise." Her nose wrinkles like it used to, when she smiles. "Yeah, I...I sent the invitation to your old mailing address in California and it got returned. Did you move?" She tilts her head and cracks the most honest smile. "I had to look you up on the internet to find your new address. I thought for sure you weren't going to come." She tucks her hair behind her ear with the same mannerisms as she used to. "I just can't believe you made it..."_

"_I told you I wouldn't miss it." I shrug my shoulders and look around. It's so weird to be standing here talking to her. I've imagined this day for a very long time, you know? I imagined all the things I would say to her, what she'd look like and what I'd look like. But it's really nothing because it's completely different than anything I could've expected. I remember her so well and I remember how much fun we used to have and how much I used to be in love with her. But I don't know her anymore. I don't know what to say to her and I just don't know who she is anymore. I knew the old Jo and she knew the old Alex. We don't know who we are anymore. She doesn't know the new me and I don't know the new her. Four years is a long time when you think about it. "Uh...yeah, I moved out of the house in Long Beach. I moved to Los Angeles...just for a new environment." I think she feels the distance between us as well because she just nods her head. "I...I was gonna call you a couple times but..."_

"_I know. You were busy." She understandingly nods her head again. "I was busy too." She puts her tongue in her cheek and sighs. I still remember putting her on that plane like it was yesterday. I remember promising her that we were going to call each other every day. We decided not to break up. We decided that we were going to stay together long distance and we were just going to beat the odds and stay together. We promised that. But I started my job for the company I still work for and my schedule was hectic. She started classes and her schedule was even more hectic. And we started out strong. For the first month, we really did talk. We called every night and we FaceTimed and we Skyped. But after the first month, the calls came less and less. And after the first year, Jo was just a memory. We haven't spoken since the fifth month of her being gone. We haven't spoken in three and a half years. "I'm still glad you made it though." She starts smiling again. "...I have to hug you again. I just can't believe it's you..." She shakes her head and puts her arms around me again. I hug her back. _

"_...Proud of you, you know?" I rub her back in the hug and she nods her head against my chest. "I knew you were gonna do it." I let her go and she takes a step away from me. She's looking around like she's expecting someone or something. "So, you have any..job offers out here?" Again, I put my hands in my pockets and look at her. She turns her attention back to me and nods. I wish I knew the person she is now, that way we'd have more to talk about. I don't know who she is anymore so I don't know what to talk to her about. I mean, I'm guessing that she's not the girl that went nuts over Star Wars anymore. She's probably not the same girl that found it hilarious to jump on the bed and make sex noises. I'm not the guy that hates women anymore. I'm not the guy that thought marriage and babies are overrated. We're not the same people we were. "That's real good, Jo. I'm proud of you."_

"_Thanks." She licks her lips. "I've been um...I've been checking on you...through the internet, I mean. I've been...checking on Michael Evans." She licks her lips again. "You haven't published in three years. Did you retire from writing?" She asks me and I nod the answer to that. "You said you wouldn't..." I wrinkle my brow. I can't believe she remembers that bullshit promise I made to her all those years ago. It wasn't bullshit then but I mean...it became bullshit after we drifted apart. "But uh..." The tone of her voice lightens. "I read on a site somewhere that you settled down...you have a wife? And a baby girl?" She smiles. I nod my head again and crack a smile thinking about them. They're back in California. "Where are they?" She looks around. "I'd love to meet them."_

"_Eh, they're back in California." I shrug again and start explaining. "The wife couldn't take off two days of work to come. She just got back to work from her maternity leave last month. She took off three months to be with the baby and she didn't really want to ask her job for another couple days off when she just came back a month ago. And you know how that is...I can't bring Lils with me with no babysitter out here. And she's still new, so Care probably wouldn't have let me take her anyway."_

"_Yeah, I don't blame her." She perks her eyebrows up. "Can I see pictures?" She steps towards me. I fish my phone from my pocket and unlock it. I go straight to my pictures and pick a nice picture of the baby to show her. I tap on the one I just took the other night. She was wide awake eating her bottle while my wife was feeding her and I snapped the picture because her eyes looked really gray in them. I have a pretty baby girl, if I do say so myself. I show Jo the phone and she takes it from me. "Awww! Oh my god, she's gorgeous... She's gorgeous. What's her name?" She's smiling wide at the picture. I guess that's the same about her. She still loves babies._

"_Lilly Rose." I put my finger on the phone screen and scroll to the right to show her more pictures. I scroll to the one of my wife holding her in our backyard pool. "That's my wife, Carrie."_

"_She's really beautiful, too." She stops looking at the pictures and looks up at me. "...Good for you, Alex. I'm so happy for you." _

"_So what about you?" I put my phone away. "Got anyone I need to meet?"_

"_My fiance, but he's..." She looks around again. "He's over there with his mom and dad...see him?" She points him out to me. He's tall and goofy looking but I can tell that he's a good guy. He looks like a good guy. He's the complete opposite of me. He's light-skinned and he's tall. He has on black glasses and he has a very nice smile. He graduated today as well. "His name's Jonathan. We've been together for three years, engaged for two. We wanted to wait until we graduate for the wedding." She tucks her hair again. "...You and Carrie and the baby...you guys should totally come. If you can't, I understand but...I'd like it if you were there. Um...it's not until next June and it's here, obviously. In Boston. But um...I'll send you an invitation when it's closer to the time, of course. You should really come..."_

"_I'll see what we can do. I can't promise you anything but I'll really try." I scratch my head. "So uh...since you remember so much, you remember when I told you that...That I was gonna come to your graduation and stuff...but I promised you we'd go to dinner too. Did you still wanna do dinner tonight, or?"_

"_...Oh." Her face is solemn. "Um...I'm really busy...John's family is throwing the both of us a big graduation party tonight so I'm really busy, actually. But...I mean..." She bites her lip. "Maybe tomorrow? How long are you gonna be in town?"_

"_My flight leaves tomorrow morning."_

"_Crap." _

"_It's fine Jo. We don't have to go, it doesn't matter to me. I just thought I'd ask so you don't think I forgot. I get it. You just graduated from med school, you're busy tonight. I'm just glad I got to see you...see that you're doing good for yourself."_

"_Yeah, me too." She holds out her hand. "...So I'll see you later, I guess?" I nod my head and put my hand in hers. _

"_See you later..."_

"Yes, Alex is being very nice to me. We went on dates and everything. We're going on one tonight, actualy." She's still chatting away on the phone with my sister. "Just out to eat..." As I bring myself back down to reality, a chill crawls up my spine and sends a shiver through my body. After I shiver, my stomach starts to hurt. Not the kind of hurt of a stomach bug or an illness, but the hurt of having a cannon shot clean through my middle. I feel like part of my insides have been torn out and I feel empty after thinking and daydreaming something like that. _Is that really where we're going to be in four years? It seems so real. _Jo taught me how to love again so it's plausible that I might have a wife and a baby in four years. That seemed so accurate and so real. She giggles loudly which makes my heart hurt. _Will I really forget the sound of her laugh in four years? _"...Yes, Amber. I love your brother." When I hear her say that she loves me, I can't help but put my arm around her and hold her tight. She's not looking at me so she can't tell that my vision is becoming blurred by tears. I'm not ready for her to stop loving me. I'm not ready to stop loving her. "Because he makes me happy. Mhm, I think I'm in love with him..." She nods her head and lies on my chest. I squeeze her tighter and blink.

One single, salty tear trickles down my cheek.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"I thought you said we weren't going anywhere fancy..." I feel worry set into my body as the car comes to a stop outside the restaurant. The building is bricked and it's really big. Over the entrance is a white awning with lights hanging down from it and I can just tell that it's really expensive and fancy. He said we weren't going anywhere fancy. I have on a pair of jeans, a pair of flip flops and a plain yellow polo shirt. My hair is in a ponytail and I don't have on any makeup. "Alex, I'm not dressed for this..." I turn my head and look at him. He has his little grin on his face and he looks like he's proud of himself for something. I don't know what's gotten into him but something has CLEARLY gotten into him. Ever since I hung up the phone with Amber hours ago, he's been really...loving. Not that I'm complaining. I love it when he's all touchy-feely, lovey-dovey with me. But I'm wondering why he started all of a sudden. It's like something whipped him into shape and I don't know what it could have possibly been. "I'm not dressed for this. I thought we were going to like...McDonald's or something."

"You're dressed fine." He opens up his car door and gets out. He's wearing a pair of jeans and a black shirt. I mean, he's not dressed for this either. So if he's confident enough to go out without being dressed nicely, maybe I'm okay with it. Still, I wish he told me he planned on coming here. I open up my side of the car and step out as well. He waits for me at the entrance. I go to the entrance and he grabs my hand...for once, I don't have to initiate the hand-holding. _What's wrong with him? _"You look beautiful in anything you wear." He pecks my cheek and opens the door. A big part of me loves his new found loving attitude but a small part of me wants to tell him to knock it off at the same time. This isn't him. He's been holding doors for me, kissing me every chance he gets, holding me, putting my head on his chest, rubbing my shoulders, kissing my forehead...this isn't Alex. He's loving sometimes but he's not this loving. This isn't him. I'm wondering what happened to him between the time I got on the phone with Amber til the time I hung up because that's when he started acting weird. We walk into the restaurant and immediately, I'm stunned. It's SO nice in here. I'm not dressed for this! There's a pond with a waterfall flowing into it and fish swimming in the pond. It's decorated to look like Venice, Italy and it's so...nice. I can't be in here dressed like this! "Two, please." He says to the hostess. She nods her head and surprisingly, takes us right back. Or maybe this isn't surprising...most people probably can't afford to just up and come to a restaurant like this. There's probably not that many people here for that reason.

As we walk through the restaurant, I become more and more convinced that I'm not dressed appropriately. There's a live band playing...a LIVE BAND. It's not very big, I admit. The restaurant is just one room with tables scattered about but it's decorated like it costs a fortune and it's just so incredibly fancy looking. The tables are all positioned around a giant dance floor, where couples are holding each other tight and dancing. The band is playing a song I don't recognize. The lights are dimmed and the hostess sits us down at a table directly under a beautiful glass chandelier. This is the most beautiful restaurant I've ever been in. I sit down in my seat and Alex sits across from me. As we sit, the hostess puts down our menus. I just look around, completely in awe. "...You said we weren't going anywhere fancy. Alex, I would've worn...like a dress or something. I look horrible."

"Relax. You're the most beautiful thing in this room." He puts his phone down on the table beside him and opens up his menu. "...I didn't plan on coming here. I planned on going down the street to Applebee's, but why not here? We might as well get some good quality food." He starts looking through the menu. _So he's been here before... why am I not surprised? _"I haven't had Ciccanti's in years. They have one in California...the last time I had Ciccanti's was when I bought my house out there. They have the best Italian food in the world here."

"Whatever. I'm so under-dressed." I roll my eyes and open up my menu. Just as I open it, our waitress comes over and opens up her notepad.

"Hi, I'm Melanie and I'll be your waitress for tonight. Can I start you guys off with something to drink?" She asks.

"I'll have a raspberry iced tea please...no ice." I tell her.

"I'll have the same." Alex copies me. "And can we have a bottle of red wine? The Cornas, please." He keeps flipping through his menu.

"Two raspberry iced teas and a bottle of Corna, coming right up." She scribbles it down on her notepad and turns away from us.

"...She's good, leave her a nice tip." I tell him. I start looking through the menu as well. I think I'm going to get chicken parmesean. I haven't had good chicken parm since mom died. She used to make it for me every second Friday of the month because she knew it was my favorite. And when she used to send me care-packages to college, she would always send me some chicken parm. I would have to heat it up in the microwave and sometimes it would get soggy but it was still really good. One thing I miss about mom the most is her cooking, for sure.

"And you can tell she's good just within five minutes?" He chuckles and closes his menu.

"Well yeah...I used to be a waitress, remember?" I shut my menu too and look across the table at him. I swear I love him more and more each day. "She's nice and I can tell that she's not going to spit in our food or anything like that. She's good. Trust me." I start tapping my fingers along the table to the tune of the song that the band is playing. I actually know this song.

"You're somethin' else, Jo." He chuckles again and picks up his phone. I keep tapping my fingers while we wait for our drinks. He puts his phone back down and his eyes go straight to my hand. "...Don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me..." He starts singing which makes me laugh because he CAN'T sing. It's cute though because he can't sing.

"I said you're holding back, she said shut up and dance with me." I start bobbing my head. I'm not judging him too harshly because I myself, cannot sing for the life of me. I crack a smile and look down at the table. I just love being around him. The waitress comes back with our drinks and puts them down next to us. She puts our bottle of wine on the table as well and sets down two wine glasses. "Thank you." I say to her. She nods her head and walks off because on her cart, she has three other trays of food. When she walks away, Alex pops the cork off our bottle of wine and pours it. "First you take me out to a fancy restaurant unexpectedly and then you try to get me drunk?" He smirks. "Thank you though." I take my glass after he pours it and take a sip of it. I'm not really a fan of red wine but this wine is doable. It's really sweet as opposed to sour, like all the other red wines I've had before. "I actually need to get drunk. I haven't been drunk in like...years."

"Yeah, me either." He turns his own glass of wine up to his lips and takes a sip. "I can't get drunk off of wine though... it's not my style. Beer is more my style."

"Yeah, I like beer too." I take another sip of wine. "What are you like when you're drunk?" I ask him.

"...I dunno. I'm...chill. I'm really chill when I'm drunk. And I like to laugh a lot. I dance when I'm drunk sometimes...only sometimes though." I start laughing when he says that. "Well what about you? What are you like when you're drunk?"

"...Well, I'm a lightweight. It doesn't take much to get me drunk and when I am drunk, I'm a lot of fun. I dance when I'm drunk too and I like to joke around. I'm not as quiet as I usually am when I'm drunk. I'm a totally different person. Drunken Jo and sober Jo are two different people. Drunk Jo would totally strip. Drunk Jo would get on a pole and strip whereas sober Jo wouldn't even think about it. I'm really outgoing when I'm drunk." I put my tongue in my cheek. "I kissed a girl when I was drunk before. Just once and it wasn't like...make out. It was just a kiss."

"Hot." He cracks a smile. I knew he'd find that attractive. I find it humiliating actually. We were at this frat party and I went with Paige and her friend Darby. I was so drunk...SO drunk. I kissed Darby. I didn't make out with her and it wasn't like we felt each other up because Paige had it on video and I saw it. We kissed for like ten seconds and I pulled away and started laughing. I was drunk off my ass. I haven't been that drunk in so long. He clears his throat and pushes his wine glass away. "I pissed on a girl while I was drunk once." My jaw drops and he laughs. "It's not what it sounds like. It's not like I pissed the bed or anything. I didn't do that. I uh..." He clears his throat again. "It was when I was nineteen. I was at a party with my friend Scott and we were making out with these girls. The girls went down on us and stuff and they wanted us to return the favor and like I told you before, I don't go down on random chicks. So I said no to my girl but Scott went down on his girl. I left the room to go get another beer and the girl followed me. We started arguing and crap and she slapped my brand new cell phone outta my hand. It fell on the ground and shattered and I was PISSED." I nod my head. "So I told Scott that I had to leave because I was irritated and he tried to talk me out of it. I told him if he didn't let me leave, I was gonna end up either spitting on pissing on that bitch. And he was...like...hyping my head up. He was telling me that I wouldn't do it because I didn't have the balls to piss on a girl and so I did. I whipped it out and pissed on her."

"...If you ever." I start laughing. "If you ever think about pissing on me, I swear Alex..."

"I wouldn't have done it if I was sober. I wasn't raised to be that disrespectful." He takes another sip of wine and belches. "'Scuse me." He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "I said sorry to her like a week later and she slapped me in the face. I deserved that much."

"I'll say!" I finish off my first glass of wine and look around for our waitress to see when she'll be back to take our orders. Most people would probably end up getting irritated by a waitress taking her time to take orders but I understand that she's busy. It's not easy being a server, I'll tell you that firsthand. The lead singer of the band steps up to the microphone and gives a cheesy little speech about love that I only halfway listen to. He says something about "this next song being for the couples in here" and "the couples coming out to dance" but I ignore it. I take my attention off the band and put it back on Alex. "Yeah, so..." I tuck my hair behind my ear. "I would've slapped you too if you peed on me."

He nods his head and dusts off a second glass of wine in three gulps. "...Come dance with me." He rubs his hands together and eyes me like this is the greatest idea he's had in a while. I shake my head at him because I know he's just joking. "No, I'm serious Jo. Come dance with me..." He motions towards the dance floor. "Look at all the couples out there..." I look over. There are a BUNCH of couples out there slow dancing together. That's nice but I'm really not a dancer. "Come dance with me."

"I can't dance." I roll my eyes and shake my head. "I don't know how to do that."

"It's easy...come on, I'll show you. Just come on."

"Alex, no. I said no. I don't know how and I'm not making a fool of myself out there. I don't want to."

"Let's go." He stands up and walks over to my side of the table. He grabs my arm but I snatch it away. "Jo, it's fine..I'll show you. I won't let you look silly. I promise. Now come dance with me. Come on...before the song's over." I slouch my shoulders. _This is not gonna end well... _I sigh and stand up. He grabs my arm and drags me to the dance floor where all the other couples are slow dancing with each other. "Here...just put your arms around my waist like you're hugging me. You don't have to move, I'll do the moving. Just hold onto me." I sigh again and just listen to him. I put my arms around his waist and rest my head against his chest. He puts his arms around me too and rests his chin atop my head. I still don't know what the hell's gotten into him. This isn't normal Alex behavior. He doesn't do this. I know two glasses of wine didn't get him tipsy enough to want to dance. Something is clearly up with my man. "You know this song?" He whispers in my ear. I shake my head and keep letting him sway back and forth with me. "...Listen to it." I nod. "It's kind of how I feel about you..." His fingertips trace along my back.

I think I fell asleep back in the hotel, that's it. I fell asleep and I'm dreaming. Because this feels perfect. I don't dance. I'm not a dancer and somehow, he managed to make this perfect. All we're doing is swaying back and forth but it's perfect for me. I don't fell like there's anybody else in the room with us right now. I squeeze my arms around his waist tighter and inhale his scent. I'm also surprised that he knows this song. I don't know this song and I think I like music a little more than he does. I close my eyes, enjoy the moment and listen to the song like he asked me to. I don't ever want this to end.

_So you should know this love we share was never made to die  
I'm glad we're on this one way street just you and I  
Just you and I  
I'm never gonna say goodbye  
'Cause I never wanna see you cry  
I swore to you my love would remain  
And I swear it all over again and I  
I'm never gonna treat you bad  
'Cause I never wanna see you sad  
I swore to share your joy and your pain  
And I swear it all over again_

_All over again_

I think I might start crying. I don't want to be a big baby and start crying while he's holding me and in public like this but I don't think I can help it. _He told me to listen to the song because the song is how he feels about me... _I can't help it. Tears start seeping out of my closed eyes and I hold him closer to my body. I start rubbing his back and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying. I love him so much. How am I supposed to let him go?I try to tune my ears out of the song so I can stop crying over the lyrics but I can't stop listening.

_Some people say  
That everything has got its place in time  
Even the day must give way to the night  
But I'm not buying  
'Cause in your eyes  
I see a love that burns eternally  
And if you see how beautiful you are to me  
You'll know I'm not lying_

I'm going to start bawling my eyes out because now, all I can think about is the fact that I love him so, so much and I'm leaving... I'm leaving. I start crying harder and at this point, he knows I'm crying. He rubs my back and puts his lips to the crown of my head. "I love you..." I sniff and my chest hiccups. I can't stop listening to this freaking song and I can't stop thinking about how in love with this man I am. I'm not gonna be able to leave him... I'm not strong enough to leave him. _Stop listening to the song, Jo! _I can't...

_Sure there'll be times we wanna say goodbye  
But even if we try  
There are some things in this life won't be denied  
Won't be denied_

_I'm never gonna say goodbye  
I never wanna see you cry  
I swore to you my love would remain  
And I swear it all over again and I  
I'm never gonna treat you bad  
'Cause I never wanna see you sad  
I swore to share your joy and your pain  
And I swear it all over again _

The chorus freaking kills me. I can't stop bawling my eyes out.

_The more I know of you is the more I know I love you  
And the more that I'm sure I want you forever and ever more  
And the more that you love me, the more that I know  
Oh that I'm never gonna let you go  
Gotta let you know that I_

_I'm never gonna say goodbye  
'Cause I never wanna see you cry  
I swore to you my love would remain  
And I swear it all over again and I  
I'm never gonna treat you bad  
'Cause I never wanna see you sad  
I swore to share your joy and your pain  
And I swear it all over again_

"I love you too..." I finally pull myself together long enough to say it back. "...This can be our song, okay?" I sniff and try to clear my voice but I can't. I'm a mess right now. He's so perfect and I can't leave him. I love him. He makes me feel like I'm important, which is such a big deal for me. He's so amazing. You know, I had my doubts at first, but now I'm sure.

_This is definitely Michael Evans...because I feel like I'm in a storybook._

* * *

**All song lyric credits go to "Swear It Again" by Westlife.**


	39. Dream It

I unfold my bright orange swimsuit that I just washed and toss it on the bed. Usually, it would drive me nuts to dirty up clothes right after I washed them but for some reason, it's not bothering me so much now. Leave it to Alex to decide he wants to try out the hotel pool last minute though. We just got back from the restaurant like ten minutes ago and as soon as we walked into our room, he had the bright idea to go try out the hotel's pool. A little part of me wishes that we'd just stuck to the original plan of piling up in the hotel room for the rest of the night and watching movies with popcorn but I guess going swimming in the pool downstairs won't hurt. We can always watch movies and cuddle together after we go swimming; that's not a problem. "So..." I unbutton my jeans, unzip them and pull them down. He's digging through the basket of clean clothes to find his swimming trunks. "Amber kept asking me if we had sex." I fold my jeans up and put them on top of the clean clothes since they're not dirty after only wearing them once and look over at him. He's shaking his head at what I just told him. "I didn't know what to tell her." I pull my underwear down and start a dirty clothes pile next to the clean clothes basket. "I didn't want to tell her that we did and have her all up in the business..." I pull my bathing suit bottoms up on my waist. "So I just told her that we didn't."

"You should've told her to mind her own damn business." He tosses his trunks on the bed and takes off his shirt. "That's why I don't like to tell my mom and Amber anything because they automatically insert themselves in the situation and it's annoying." He takes off his jeans and puts them in the dirty clothes pile with my underwear. I tie my bathing suit top around my chest. "What made her think it was okay to just ask you that? You should've told her to butt out of your business and mind her own." He ties the drawstrings on his trunks and picks up the beach towels that we bought back at the mall in Arizona. "You need some help?" He asks after he catches a glimpse of me struggling to tie my suit around my neck. I nod my head and stop trying. He stands behind me and pulls the strings up around my neck. "Move your hair, babe." I reach back and hold my hair up for him. "I'm serious though. Next time my sister asks you something like that, tell her to mind her own business."

"It's not that big of a deal, Alex." When he's done tying my suit, I put my hair down and turn around so I'm facing him. "She's just curious and plus, I told her that I'd tell her if we do. Back when we were at your moms and I was talking to her in her bedroom, she asked me if me and you did anything and I told her no. But then I told her that I would tell her if we ever did...so that's why she asked. It's not a big deal that she asked." I reach down to the drawstrings of his trunks and tighten them a bit because his trunks are a little too loose for me. "You should really cut Amber some slack sometimes." I know I promised Amber that I wouldn't breathe a word to anybody else but she's Alex's sister and that counts for something, doesn't it? He has a right to know? "I know she's pushy and annoying sometimes but she's really sweet at heart." Since his trunks are still loose, I untie the strings and pull them tight. "You know, she actually told me that..." I tie a bow in the strings. "Her ex-boyfriend used to beat on her."

"What?" The shock is clearly audible in the tone of his voice. I nod my head and start to put a double knot in his trunks. I just don't know who's going to be down at the pool when we go and I don't want to take any chances. I can see his trunks slipping down and some random girl at the pool hopping all over my man's junk. I don't feel like going to jail nor do I feel like cussing anybody out today so I'm just going to take all the proper precautions to make sure his trunks don't fall down at all. "Why the hell didn't she tell me?" I can hear the shock actively turning to frustration. "Are you serious right now? You're not kidding me, you're being serious?" I nod my head again. "She told you that? Why didn't she tell me?!"

"Why would she?" I counteract his frustration. "You said it yourself. You and Amber aren't that close. And she told me...the day we left, we were upstairs talking in her room again and she told me that she's happy she has a brother and she thinks you're awesome based off all the stories she heard about you. But she also told me that she doesn't feel like you guys could ever be close. She said sometimes she forgets she even has a brother." I look up at his face and I can see the guilt written all over it. "I'm not raggin' on you or trying to make you feel bad, but Alex...why would she have told you? You haven't put forth any effort to get to know her. You don't even contact her on a regular basis. Don't you think it's a bit sad that she felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it but she didn't feel comfortable enough to come to you about it? Her own brother? I think she felt like you wouldn't have cared if she told you."

"Of course I care though, Jo. She's my sister, no matter how you slice it. She's my little sister at that. You think I want some punk putting his hands on my sister?" He's really very upset about this.

"I know you care. You don't have to convince me that you care, baby. I know you care." I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him into a forced hug. Sometimes when I hug him, he calms down. I'm hoping that it works for this time as well. "I'm just trying to get you to see that your sister doesn't think you do and that's because you two don't talk as much as you should. You should call her later on tonight or maybe tomorrow and you should talk to her about it. Just let her know that you care." He's not hugging me back, which is a direct indication that he's still upset. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you...I just thought you should know. I didn't mean to upset you." I put my head on his chest and squeeze him tighter. "You forgive me?" He sighs and reciprocates my hug. He starts to let me go from the hug we're sharing but I just tighten my arms around him to let him know that I'm not ready to let go. I guess the fact that I'm not ready to let him go from the hug we're sharing is a metaphor for the fact that I'm just truly not ready to _ever_ let him go. I just keep thinking about how this is probably never going to get easier. Each day I spend with him is just it getting harder. It's never going to be easy. "...Alex?" I put my ear to his heartbeat and listen. "Can we just stay up here?" He doesn't say anything but I feel him nod. I don't want to spend the little bit of time I have left with him at a freaking swimming pool. I want to spend the little bit of time I have left with him with him and only him.

I just can't stop thinking about how this is goodbye. Every single day we spend together is a day closer to saying goodbye. Every smile I smile with him is just a smile closer to being my last smile. Every laugh is closer to being my last. Every time I hold him is just a reminder that soon, his arms will be nothing but a distant memory. I want a future with him so badly. I want to stay with him and see how far we can take this. To see if he's my forever and happily ever after. I see myself with him. I don't want to say goodbye. I take two steps closer to him and squeeze my arms tighter. Just like in the restaurant earlier, he puts his hands on my hips and even though there isn't any music playing, he still starts swaying back and forth with me. I close my eyes and follow his swaying movements, all the while falling into a trance-like state as I start thinking...imagining, actually.

"_Josephine E. Wilson." Professor Smith finally calls my name and with the biggest smile on my face, I stand up. I smooth down my light blue gown to make sure I look presentable, adjust my cap and make my way to the open aisle. All around me, my peers clap their hands for me just like I clapped my hands for them when they got announced. I walk up the blue carpet to the front pillar and climb up the four steps that lead up to the stage. I really thought that I'd never get to this point. Not because they're calling us up in alphabetical order and "Wilson" is at the end but because I just never thought that I would make it. Deep down inside, I always knew that I'd walk across this stage to get my M.D. Certificate but I never thought it'd happen on time with everything that's happened over the last few years for me. No, I never thought I'd be 27 years old when I got to this point. I think I'm going to cry. I hope I don't do it on the stage though. Professor Smith hands me the blue and yellow case that my certificate is in and shakes my hand. "Congratulations, Jo." _

"_Thank you." I shake her hand and requite the smile she's giving me. I walk behind the podium like I'm supposed to, back down the steps and back down the blue carpet to get back to my seat. I tuck my long, dark brown hair behind my ear underneath my graduation cap and recross my legs in my seat. I can't help myself. I'm like a little kid on Christmas morning that can't wait to open up my present and see what it is. I open up the blue and yellow cloth covering and look at the white paper I waited so long to get. It's just as beautiful as I thought it was going to be. I'M A DOCTOR NOW! I HAVE A MEDICAL SCHOOL DEGREE! HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! I sweep away a pesky tear that just fell and can't help but crack a wider smile. Today's been so incredibly perfect. I close my case again and stare down at the newest resident of my left ring finger._

_It has a silvery white-gold band with diamonds going all around the circumference of it. The middle of it is a heart-shaped diamond that sparkles so bright that it hurts to look at it too long. It's still so humbling to see it on my finger. I just got it this morning and part of me doesn't even want to wear it. I'm so afraid that I'll ram it into something or chip the diamond or lose it. It's so beautiful and knowing my man, it couldn't have been cheap. I probably look like a weirdo while I keep looking down at it and making sure it's perfectly straight on my finger but I can't help it. Today's been the second best day of my life. I get a ring and a doctor's certificate all in the same day. This is such a fairytale for me. My life can't get any more perfect than what it is right now. "Congratulations University of California Medical Center School of Medicine, class of 2019." Professor Smith pulls me out of gazing at my beautiful ring to congratulate the entire class, which means the two kids behind me in the alphabet were already awarded their certificates. Following everyone else around me, I stand up and take off my cap. I reach back and fix my hair. Before we throw up our caps at the end of everything, I look over and scan the crowd in the enormous auditorium we're currently in. They're here somewhere...where are they? "I officially declare you..." I stop listening to Professor Smith when I find them. _

_They're two rows behind the front row and they're sitting down next to my friend Stephanie's family. She's standing up on his lap and his hands are around her belly so she doesn't fall. She just started standing last week, my big girl. Eight months old and she's already standing. Can I tell you a secret? I actually cried when I saw her standing. She got my independence, I'll tell you that. She held onto the couch and stood up. I had her on her belly for tummy time and she was watching Peppa Pig. I went to go get her blanket from the downstairs nursery so she could take a nap and when I came back, she was standing. I started to cry. He thought I was nuts for crying but he just doesn't get how big of a deal it is She STOOD. I crack such a big smile when I see her. Her sandy brown hair is long with curly ringlets at the ends and her big green eyes are bright. I'm surprised she's not crying...she doesn't usually do well with large crowds of people. I wish he'd fix her skirt though. I dressed her so nicely this morning and her skirt is all messed up. I put black leggings on her and a sparkly pink tutu. Her shirt matches the leggings. _

_She starts to crack her face up in an effort to get ready to cry but he bounces her up and down to keep her happy. He cranes his head around to kiss her cheek and she's fine after that. I see how in love with her he is and I can't help but shed another tear. It's such an emotional day for me today. He stops looking at her to make sure she's okay when she stops whining and looks down at me. I know he can see me because I can feel it. When our eyes meet, it's like electricity...no matter how far away we are when we meet. He grabs onto her hand and makes her wave at me. I watch his lips as he says, "Go mommy!" She's looking all around so he points at me and she finally sees me. "Say go mommy! Go mommy!" _

_I wave back and mouth, "Hi Lex" to the both of them. I think she saw me because she smiled at me. I can't wait to go hug them. We're going out to dinner to celebrate my graduation and really, I don't even want to. All I want to do is go home and put my baby to bed so I can spend alone time with my man. I can't wait to get home with my boyfriend—wait, my fiance—and my baby. I'm a doctor now and I'm a mommy to my beautiful Alexis and I'm a fiancee to Alex...best man in the world. Who ever said I couldn't have it all?_

I snap myself back to reality and take my arms from around his waist. "Do you want to hang out in the hot tub?" I motion towards the jacuzzi in the corner of our room. I try my damnedest to push the quaint little daydream I just had from my mind. There's just no sense in thinking about it and imagining it when in reality, it's just never going to happen. I shouldn't even get my hopes up because all it's going to do is hurt me more in the end. Before I pull away from him, I put my lips against his chest and kiss him. "You always spend the money and get us hotel rooms with hot tubs in them and we never end up using the hot tub." I hate myself so much for loving him. I hate myself SO much for falling for him. I should've just...stopped it. I knew from the start that this was going to happen. I always knew. I knew that he was going to California and I was going to Massachusetts. I don't know why I even let myself get involved with him. Now my head's all twisted up and I'm caught up in him and this is going to be so painful in the end. This is gonna hurt so bad.

"If you want, we can get in the hot tub." He shrugs his shoulders and steps away from me. "Is that what you want?" I nod and look down at the ground. I just wish there was some possible way we could make this work. I wish there was some way we could meet each other halfway. But with this situation, it's all or nothing. He can't come with me without leaving his job in California and I can't stay with him without giving up Harvard. There's no possible way this could work for us and it's starting to hurt more and more each day. He walks over to the hot tub and starts running the water for it. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pick up the remote control. I turn on the TV and scroll through the channels for something to watch, since we can see the TV from the hot tub. "You want bubbles?" He asks. I nod my head and end up turning on Ridiculousness. I stand up and start taking off my bathing suit.

I have to be honest with myself. I would never tell Alex what I'm about to say because for one, I don't want him to worry. But if I'm being totally honest, if nothing happens between now and when I have to leave, I don't think I'm going to make it without him. Isn't that sick? That I'm hoping that me and my boyfriend have some kind of cataclysmic fight and break up before I have to leave? That's sick. But it's true. If me and Alex leave on these terms, I'm never going to make it without him. I know myself. I know how it's going to happen too. I'm going to be alright at first. I'm going to get up and go to my first couple classes. But after the first week, I'm going to sink. I'm going to sink into a deep, deep depression and I'm not going to make it. I'm probably going to commit. I'm just being honest here. Like I said, I would never tell Alex that because I really don't want him to be across the country worrying about me but honestly, I'm probably not going to make it. So for that reason, I hope we fight...or I hope some kind of miracle happens where we can be together after all.

I toss my bathing suit to the side and walk over to the jacuzzi. "When did you say you scheduled my flight for?" I step into the steaming hot water and stand there for a second to get used to it. "You said it was for like...August 18h, right?" He nods as he's taking off his trunks. Once I'm used to the water, I sit down in it and lean against the back cushion. I pull my knees up to my chest and make room for him to sit in here with me when he's ready. "So I'm just gonna stay with you in California until the 18th. Am I supposed to stay with you?"

"Yep." He taps me on the shoulder to let me know that he wants me to scoot up. He wants to sit behind me I guess. I scoot up in the water and since it's already up to my chest, I lean forward and turn the faucet off. "I don't feel like talking about this tonight Jo. Not tonight." Once I scoot up, he sits down in the water with me and puts his back against the cushion. I roll my eyes and lean back against him. I think he caught me rolling my eyes. "What?" He merely mumbles. "I don't feel like arguing with you tonight Jo. Not tonight. I got a lot of shit on my mind tonight and I don't need to argue about what's going to happen. So not tonight. I'm not arguing tonight and I'm not listening to you bitch at me tonight either." He rests his hands on my stomach and turns his head to watch TV.

"...Because I'm the only one that ever bitches." I lay the sarcasm on, roll my eyes at him again and forcibly push his hands away from me. "Get off me. Don't touch me." I'm about to get out. All I did was ask him a simple freaking question and he starts with me. I didn't even do anything, all I did was ask him a damn question. He makes it seem like I live for arguing with him. No, all I did was ask him what my freaking living arrangements are going to be. I don't think that's asking for too much. He loosens the grip he has around my waist for two seconds before he pulls me back so I'm all the way on his lap. "Didn't I tell you to stop touching me? Stop touching me, Alex." I stiffen my body so he'll get the picture but he just ignores me and keeps his arms around my waist. "If you don't get off me."

"Stop being a bitch." He keeps his arms around my waist and his hands on my stomach. I hate when he gets like this. I hate when he refuses to let me be mad at him. He thinks it helps but in reality, all I does is piss me off to the point of no freaking return. I stop resisting him...not because I'm giving in but because I need to calm down before I swing off and hit him. He takes my stopping as a sign of weakness and he moves his hands from my stomach down between my legs. I snap my legs shut because I know what he's doing. He's trying to butter me up but it's not working. He pries my legs open again with his strength. "You need to shave..."

"Get the hell off me then. I don't want you touching me." I elbow him in his stomach but not hard enough to hurt him, just hard enough to tell him that I'm serious. He's irritating me so bad right now and he's trying to bribe me with sex and it's not working. Then he comments about me needing to shave? What an ass. "You're such an asshole." He squeezes his arms around my waist. "Alex, get off! I'm not even freaking joking! God, you piss me off." I elbow him in his stomach again but he's resilient as heck. "Stop it!"

"Jooooo." He leans forward and kisses the back of my neck. "Are you mad at me?"

"Yes! Now get off!" I reach back and push his face away. "I'm so irritated right now Alex, I'm not joking. Get off of me." He holds me around my waist and puts his head in the middle of my back. "GET OFF OF ME." His hands start roaming my body. My chest, my legs, my stomach...everywhere. "You're a freaking asshole now get off of me. I swear I freaking hate you."

"You hate me?"

"YES!"

"No you don't. You love me." His lips are all over my back and he's just holding me and he's really pissing me off. "I'm sorry." He kisses the middle of my back and massages my hips with his hands. "I'm sorry... you forgive me?"

"No. Get the hell off me."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am..." He kisses my back again and when he pulls away, his lips make a sucking sound. "I'll prove it..." He kisses my back again and his lips keep making that sucking sound. "You gonna let me prove it?"

"...I don't know why you insist on pissing me off so bad." I loosen my body and take a deep breath. I'm starting to return back to my normal mood but I swear he was so close to getting punched in the face a second ago. "I was just asking you a question and you started calling me a bitch. Stop calling me a bitch. I wasn't even bitching...I was just asking a question. And then you always think you can get back in my good graces by bribing me with sex." He's still kissing all over my back. "And I know I need to shave, okay? You don't need to freaking comment on everything."

"It doesn't matter to me if you shave or not." His hands wander up to my boobs. "I was just trying to lighten the mood...I didn't mean it." His hands go from my boobs back down between my legs. "You gonna let me apologize now?"

"Stop bribing me with sex. I'm not a slut."

"I know you're not..." His hands go back down to my legs. I know I said bribing me with sex doesn't work but I totally lied. It works. Does that make me a slut? At least I'm only a slut with Alex. "I'm sorry, babe." He starts kissing my neck and my eyes close. I hate him so much sometimes. He just...he knows. He knows how to make me want it and I hate it. I hate how he knows how to get me in the mood. He sucks on my neck, just below my ear and my breathing becomes uneven. I steady myself on the edge of the tub and turn around so I'm facing him. I kiss him and he puts his hands on the back of my head. I don't feel like wasting time with foreplay and stuff tonight. I just need him so bad. I reach down in the water and grab onto his erection. It's not as hard as it usually gets but it's still hard nonetheless. I put my legs on either side of him and lower myself down. He kisses my lips and keeps his hands on my head. I don't care how me and Alex have sex. We can have rough sex, soft sex...loving sex...it doesn't matter. I always feel so special when we do it. I never thought I could love being physically intimate with someone as much as I love being physically intimate with Alex. I hold him still so that when I sit completely down on his lap, it'll be inside me. I start lowering myself down but he stops me. "Wait...no." He puts his hands on my chest and pushes me away softly. "I'm not doing this..."

"What do you mean?" I put my hands on his cheeks and tilt his head upwards so I can look into his eyes. He looks so guilty. He's really having a tough time even looking me in the eye. "We do this all the time.." He looks away from me. "Alex, what's wrong?"

"I'm not doing this, Jo." He keeps trying to push me away. "You're right...we do this all the time and I'm not doing this anymore."

"Doing what?" I stroke my hands through his hair because even though I want to slap him and ask him what the hell his issue is, I can tell that whatever is bothering him is really, really bothering him. "Baby, what's wrong? Alex...talk to me."

"Didn't I tell you that we're not doing this unprotected anymore?" He looks away from me again. "I can't...trust myself anymore. I'm not doing this. I don't have condoms on me. They're down in my car."

"Alex, it's FINE. I don't care...I want a baby."

"...Oh you're nuts." He pushes me off of him and gets out of the tub. I slam my head back against the wall and grit my teeth. I know how messed up that just sounded but it came out wrong. He wraps a towel around his waist.

I stand up and grab a towel as well. "Alex, I didn't mean it like that..."

"Then how the hell did you mean it, Jo?" He sits down on the bed and runs his hand through his hair. "You're so friggin' stupid. You really are. You're really willing to throw away your future just like that? You're such an idiot. You're willing to throw away your damn future right now?! Well I'm not going to be the one. I'm not going to be the one to screw everything up for you."

"I didn't mean it like that! I meant... I meant it like..." I close my eyes and purse my lips. "You're not going to get me pregnant. I mean I know accidents happen and that's fine, whatever. But what I'm saying is...it's like...almost impossible for me to pregnant and if an accident did happen and you DID get me pregnant, I wouldn't care. I love you and... I wouldn't care if that happened. It's not like it would be some big, unwanted mistake. I would want it. I'm not saying that I want a baby right exactly now. I'm not saying we should have sex right now with the intention of having a baby. I'm just saying...if it did happen, I would be alright with it."

"And you're stupid." He stands up again and drops his towel.

"Stop calling me stupid!" I keep my towel to my body as he starts to dress himself. "Why am I stupid?! Because I want to have a baby with you? Does that make me stupid, Alex?"

"Uh..yeah." He nods. "That makes you dumb."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Whatever..." I walk over to our clothes pile so I can find pajamas. I dont know how many times I have to tell him that he pretty much can't get me pregnant. I _don't _ovulate. Sometimes I do but it's VERY sporadic when I do. I've been going to the lady doctor since I was sixteen years old and nothing's changed. I get like...two periods in six months and I don't ovulate. How can he get me pregnant if there's not an egg there to fertilize? The only way I can get pregnant is if I take these weird pills. My lady doctor told me that the chances of me getting pregnant without help is a whopping 40 percent. I told him that already but he still acts like we can't have sex without protection. I mean...I used to respect him for wanting to be safe but now, I'm just confused. It's like he doesn't want to have sex with me. And he even commented and said I need to shave... does he not find me desirable anymore? I pick up a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. "...You know what? If you don't wanna touch me, all you have to do is say so. I won't be offended...if you don't want to have sex just say so..."

"Of course I want to have sex Jo." He throws his towel at me. "I just don't want to risk knocking you up right now. You don't need a baby. I know you want one but you don't need one. Not right now. And go 'head and say it...go 'head. Tell me that I can't get you pregnant. Jo, I don't care. I don't want to risk anything. You know how mad at myself I'd be? If I knocked you up at 23, you know how pissed off I'd be?" He lets the water out of the tub. "You're too young to have a baby. You have so much more to accomplish before you settle down and have a child to look after. I want you to graduate before you have a baby, Jo. I want you to be older...more responsible. I'm not going to be the idiot that ends your career before it even starts. I've seen this before... you don't need a baby before you're ready." He sits down on the bed again and sighs. "...Last thing we need is a baby to end up like me..."

"What do you mean?" I put on my pajamas.

"I mean the kid would end up being like me! Jo, I've seen this before! My mom had me when she twenty...she wasn't ready for me! You really want a kid to end up like me?" He sighs. "...That's why I can't marry you." _So now the truth's coming out... _"I'm too old for you..."

"...No you're not." I sit down next to him. "Get that out of your head right now. Alex, I can...I can still do everything. I can..marry you, graduate on time...have a baby..." I start thinking about the little vision I had earlier. "In fact, I can see you...holding our baby at my graduation. Can't you see it?" I start smiling because that little daydream I had was just perfect. "I can go to UCLA. I can graduate from UCLA...And we can have a baby in a couple years and we can get married..."

"...Your age is showing, Jo." He grins at me and rubs my back. I guess maybe he has a point. Maybe it is me being a naive little 23 year old at the moment. Wishing and hoping and dreaming that maybe someday I can marry the man of my dreams and get my happily ever after. I'm young-minded at the moment but I can happen. "I'm not letting you go to UCLA though. You're going to Harvard." He kisses my cheek. "Sorry...for calling you stupid and stuff. I've just had a lot of things on my mind today..."

"Like what?"

"Just stuff..." He sighs. "I think I'm gonna go to bed early tonight...how about you?"

"Yeah... I guess so... California tomorrow...big day." I try to sound somewhat enthused but I'm really not. I stare straight forward at the wall. Maybe I am being a little bit immature and young-minded but I swear I can still see my daydream coming true...


	40. Realistic

**A/N:** **M **rated content in this chapter.

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I reach over across the way and put my hand against the small of her back. She's only been asleep for about two hours now so I hate to wake her but I really want her to see this. The two of us were up late last night talking so neither one of us got enough sleep and for that reason, she decided to curl up in a ball in the seat next to me and go to sleep after she finished eating the breakfast we stopped and got at the McDonald's drive thru. We basically just spent the night last night talking things out and making plans for what's going to happen when it comes time for her to leave. So I realize that I've been avoiding things when it comes to talking about Jo leaving. I know I avoid things and I don't mean to. The problem is...if I talk to Jo about her leaving, it doesn't do anything but depress me. I don't really want to think about her leaving until I absolutely have to think about her leaving, if I have it my way. But last night, she was really upset. After our argument about not having sex and her saying that she wanted to have a baby, I mean. It was right before we went to bed for the night and she was still in a pretty bad mood from our argument, which is uncharacteristic for Jo. She usually shakes things off and lets things go fairly quickly so it wasn't sitting well with me that she was still upset. So when we laid down for the night, I asked her what was wrong and I swallowed my pride and allowed myself to confront the reality of her leaving.

We talked a bunch of things out last night. She tried to convince me that she'd be okay with settling for UCLA. She told me that she's been looking online and she found that UCLA Medical Center is only 40 minutes away from Long Beach so she could just live with me and commute to her classes. I told her that it was a really good idea and all but I'm not letting her stay in California with me. I told her that I'd go live in Boston before I let her stay in California. She got upset with me and told me that she felt like she's the only one trying in our relationship and I was honestly fine with her telling me that. She can feel like I don't try. See, what Jo fails to realize is that the reason I won't let her stay with me is _because _I really do love her. I do. I'm in love with that girl. Even though it's only been a measly two weeks, I know that I'm in love with her. She thinks I'm telling her to go because I'm not trying but I swear, this is me trying. I don't want her to stay in California with me and wake up five or ten years from now with the bitter realization that she should have just gone to Harvard in the first place. I don't want Jo to ever regret anything about her life because I know what that's like. It sucks to wake up regretting a decision you've made. She may not regret staying with me right away...hell, she might not even regret it in ten years. But someday, she's going to be faced with the "what if I had gone to Harvard?" and I don't want to be the person that stood in the way of her reaching her full potential. I explained all of that to her last night and she understood but she didn't think I was right when I told her that she was going to regret staying someday.

The fact that she doesn't think I'm trying to make our relationship work doesn't bother me at all because I know within myself that I AM trying. I'm trying my hardest here and I just know that there is no possible way this is going to work. The difference between me and Jo is much bigger than our ages. I didn't know it before last night, but Jo is a very vivid dreamer. She's a dreamer and sometimes, her dreaming turns into naivety. She's being naive about this entire situation and while I don't knock her for being a dreamer and thinking that everything has a silver lining, I just wish she'd be a little more realistic and cautious with her heart. All she's doing is opening herself up to let this separation hurt her more than it's already going to hurt her. It's going to hurt her so much worse than it's already going to hurt because her dreams aren't at all realistic. She doesn't think I'm trying but little does she know, I've been thinking of ways that we can be together for the last two weeks. I could totally go live in Boston with her until she finishes school but the issue with that is...I'm locked into a year contract with this new job I accepted. The company I work for locked me into a year contract with them and I can't go anywhere for a year. I can't up and leave the job for a year. After my year's up, I can leave, ask for a transfer or do whatever I want. So even if I do go live with Jo in Boston, we would still be separated for at least a year because I can't back out of my contract for a year. So moving with her to Boston right away is out of the question and I'm sorry, but I REFUSE to let her regret staying in California with me.

And not to mention, she's way too in love with me. I don't mean that as in she loves me more than I love her because there's no possible way that's true. There's no possible way Jo loves me more than I love her. What I mean by that is...she's willing to just put her entire life on hold for me. For me. She's willing to give up the chance of a lifetime at the school of her dreams, willing to let me risk getting her pregnant. She's willing to screw up her life for me. How crazy is that? She's willing to do all of that for a man she just met two weeks ago? Some may think that it's sweet and an indication of true love that she's willing to do all those things just for me but really, I think that it's just a sign that she doesn't think clearly. I'm not saying that she shouldn't love me because god knows how grateful I am that she chose to love me but I don't want her to love me more than she loves herself. I'm not worth that. She's worth more than that herself. She's worth more than giving up Harvard and having a baby at her age. She's worth so much more than all that. And she has no business jumping at the chance to ruin her life for a man she just started to get to know two weeks ago. She needs to love herself more than she loves me in the situation.

Personally, I don't believe that two weeks is long enough to fall in love with somebody. I think it takes longer than that to decide you love someone, decide you know that person well enough to trust them with your life and decide that you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with that person. I don't think that two weeks is even close to being enough time to love someone that strongly. But, as a romance writer, I do believe in soul-mates. I do believe that once you meet the person you're intended to be with, then all bets are off. I believe that it hits you like a ton of red bricks whenever you finally meet the person that the universe wants you to be with. I think Jo's my person. I really do think that Jo's the one I'm supposed to be with because for me, it look less than two full weeks for me to fall in love with her. All it took was her to smile at me once, bat those pretty little eyelashes and I was hooked. So if all it took was a day and a half for me to come to the realization that she wasn't as annoying as she seemed and it took me about a week to realize that I love her, how could she not be the one for me? Two weeks or not, love is love...and I love her.

In hindsight, I don't know if our talk last night helped her or not, but it helped me. It helped me realize how precious she is. It helped me come to terms with the fact that even though we'll be worlds apart from each other here in a couple months, the love will still be there. I'll always love Jo. Even if we're not together and even if we drift apart, I'll never stop loving her and that's for sure. So us talking last night _did _depress me just like I knew it would but in the same token, it also gave me just a little bit of closure. And from now until August 18th when it's time for her to leave me, I'll be thinking of any possible way to make this work. But I'm not setting the bar high for my expectations because if I do that, I'm going to be absolutely crushed at the end of this trip.

"Jo..." I stroke my hand along her back to wake her up as gently as possible. One thing I have down pact about Jo is that she doesn't like to be woken up. Spending all these nights in hotels with her and seeing her when she does wake up in the morning just tells me that she's not a morning person. She's usually pretty cranky for about an hour after she wakes up. It used to offend me when she'd make snide comments, sarcastic remarks or just be downright bitchy but I finally realized that she's only like that when she just wakes up from a nap or a night's sleep. Aside from that, Jo's usually a pretty pleasant person. "Wake up..." I jam my foot down on the brake since I'm in the longest traffic line ever and lean over to kiss her cheek. She's a pretty small person so she fits nicely in the passenger's seat. She's curled up into a ball with her back turned towards me and she's been asleep like that for hours. She has on a pair of my dark grey sweatpants so they're long on her and baggy around her waist. She has them rolled under and her tight t-shirt is risen up around her waist as well. Her favorite part of her body—her back dimples are showing and since it's really bright outside and bright in the car, I can see the little bit of hair on her back. I'm just so amazed by her sometimes. It's like she's not real. "Wake up Jo."

She turns her head and wrinkles her eyebrows. She has a bright red line streaking across her cheek because she was lying with her cheek against the back of the seat. She was really sleeping hard. "To..." She calls out in her muggy, semi-conscious sleeping voice. She must've been having a dream about something that she brought into her waking up. I've only ever heard her sleep-talk once before just now. She wrinkles her brows harder and lets out a soft groan as she opens up her eyes. I press my lips to her temple and give her another kiss before I lean away to let her properly wake up. I could've just let her sleep until we get to the house but since she's never been to California, I don't want her to miss this. I really want her to see how pretty entering the city is. Right now we're on the highway about to enter the city when the traffic moves again. She was asleep when we entered the state but entering California state isn't very impressive except for a palm tree here or there. But entering Long Beach is absolutely breathtaking. You go from flat highway into big buildings and palm trees EVERYWHERE and the beach is the first thing you see when you enter the city. It's so pretty. "...My..." She's still regaining her full consciousness. "...I thought you said...where are we?" She doesn't even bother sitting up. She just keeps lying there and I can tell by the sound of her voice that the crankiness is in full effect.

"We're almost in Long Beach." If I had to guess, I'd say that we're still about half an hour off from actually entering the city and about an hour away from getting to the house. Not that my house is an hour away, I'm just accounting for the traffic. Traffic in California is outrageous. The first trip I made here, I sat in traffic for an hour. It was during rush hour and it was ridiculous. It's only 1:15 in the afternoon right now and we're not currently in rush hour traffic so I give it about half an hour before it gives way. She pushes the button on the side of her chair and cranks the seat so she's sitting up again. Her hair is sticking to the side of her face so I think she drooled. She's so cute. "You have some slobber...on your cheek there, babe." I point it out to her.

"...Chill." Her cheeks flush bright red and she pokes her lip out as she starts wiping her face. "Come on...don't make fun of me." She starts giggling at herself which isn't normal. She's not usually in this good of a mood when she wakes up. "It was a good sleep." She's still wiping even though the drool is long gone. "Chill out..."

I laugh too. "I'm not making fun of you, I was just saying." I reach down and put my gearshift in park. It's going to be a while before I get to put it in drive again, I can tell for sure. I look at her and crack a smile. "Was it a good sleep, Jo?"

"...Yeah." She giggles again and wipes her cheek off for the millionth time. "Your seat's all wet 'cause I drooled all over it! Chill though." She starts wiping the seat off and I tune my nose up as if I think she's gross. I don't think her drool is nasty. In fact, Jo often drools her in sleep. She slept on my chest last night and I woke up with a wet spot on my t-shirt. She drools and I think it's cute. "My bad..." She keeps wiping the seat. "But I thought you said..." She's interrupted by a wide yawn. She blows the air out of her mouth and wipes her eyes since they watered a bit from the yawn. "I thought you said we wouldn't be in Long Beach today though. I thought you said it was gonna take another day to get there..."

"Nah, I just told my mom that." The traffic moves up a couple inches so I take my car out of park and inch it up a little bit. Once I'm in my respectful place, I put the gear back in park. "I don't want her to call me today and check in. If I told her that we'd be in Long Beach today, she'd call me again and want to talk for hours. I want her to think I'm driving for a while, that way she won't bother calling until tomorrow." I look over and catch her yawning again. "We'll actually be at the house in about an hour...so you can lie down in a bed." I wink at her and she softly punches me in my arm.

"Have you talked to Amber today?" She sniffs as she's still fully waking up. I shake my head at her and watch the cars in front of me, not surprised when they don't even look like they're going to move. "You should really call in to talk to your mom and your step dad and Amber more." She rubs her eyes. "How is...your relationship with your stepdad anyway? I couldn't really tell from the visit..."

"I don't really like him and I probably never will." I shrug my shoulders. I can see where this going. I already know the can of worms this is going to open up and I'm kind of scared to talk about this. I've been putting it out of my head and I haven't mentioned it to Jo because I know the potential it has. It was really just a senseless little comment. It didn't mean anything to me and that fat bastard that my mother married doesn't mean anything to me. He just opens his mouth about things he knows nothing about and that's why I didn't even let it bother me. It's not important to me. "...He told my mom he thinks you're just after my money." I admit it to her and she turns her head and looks at me. "Yeah. Back when I talked to her in Arizona, she told me. She said he thinks I should've just left you because you're obviously just trying to get money from me."

"...That's fucking bullshit." She cusses like it's second nature and it takes me a minute to get used to hearing her swear. "I'm not... I'm not after your money! What the hell?" She rolls her eyes. "I'm not talking about this." She shakes her head. "If I talk about this, I'm gonna snap the fuck out. I'm not a fucking..." She takes a deep breath. "Whatever. I'm done." She shrugs and shakes her head. "I'm done."

"That's why I didn't even mention it. He just talks about stuff he doesn't know anything about. It was stupid. Don't let it bother you. That's why I didn't let it bother me." I lean over and kiss her cheek. "I know you don't want my money. I know." I know she must really be angry so we'll just bury this issue and address it later. _Lighten the mood a little bit..._ "You were sleep for a pretty long time...all that trash-talking you did in the hot tub last night wear you out?" I take a playful jab at her. I always know that Jo's over something is she's okay enough to joke about it. If I try to bring something up in lighthearted fun and she doesn't laugh or try to joke back then I know she's not over it.

"Shut up loser." She sticks her tongue out at me and sits back in the chair. She flings her long, pretty hair over her shoulder and looks out the window. I look at her hair and honestly, I've never been a hair kind of guy but I think Jo's hair is so pretty. It's so thick and it's long. It actually looks like a horse's tail and when I run my fingers through it, it feels like running my hands through silk. She has the thickest hair I've ever saw. I like it curly though. Like after she just gets out of the shower or out of the pool and it's starting to dry, it gets wavy and kind of curly. I like it curly but when it's straight, I just want to pull on it. It touches her waist whenever it's straight and I want to pull on it all the time when it's straight. I love her hair, that's all. She lifts her hand up and pushes the button to roll down the window. "...It's really pretty here already." She leans forward and sticks her head out the window. "I don't see the ocean though. I see...traffic. And more traffic." I see her lips curl up into a smile. "But it's pretty. The air...it smells like salt. Like there's an ocean nearby."

"There is an ocean nearby." I reach my hand out and curl my fingers through the lengths of the ponytail she has her hair up in. It's wavy because she washed it yesterday in the shower and she hasn't straightened it since. I notice that my fingers get tangled in the waves so careful not to hurt her, I wiggle my fingers to make it easier for them to go through her hair. "Are you one of those girls that likes getting their hair played with?" I ask her. Lucy used to like it when I played with her hair. Her hair was shorter than Jo's and it wasn't as silky and as thick as hers but she liked it when I tried to braid it and when I would run my fingers through it.

"Eh...I guess." She shrugs her shoulders. "I like it when people play with my hair but I'm tender-headed so it hurts whenever people pull out tangles and stuff and my hair is always knotty so it's always tangled up." She reaches back and softly swats my hand away. "Don't play with it right now, it's all...ewwy right now. I haven't brushed it since I washed it so it's real knotty and real ewwy. Don't play with it."

"But I like it..." I wrap my hand around her ponytail and swing it around in a circle. It really looks just like a horse's tail, it's so pretty. And it smells good since she washed it. "I think it's pretty." I run my fingers through it again and snag on a knot.

"Owww!" She nearly jumps out of her seat when I pull down through the knot. She wasn't lying when she said she's tender-headed. I barely pulled and she jumped outta her skin. "See, I told you...it's knotty." She pulls her ponytail away from my hand. "I'll let you play with it later, I promise. Lemme brush it first. I'll brush it later and you can play with it all you want after I brush it. It's all knotty and gross right now." She puts her ponytail on the other side of her head so I can't reach it. "You know what feels real good though?" She looks at me and I raise my brows. "You're gonna think I'm real weird but oh well. I love it when people tickle my arm. It feels so good." I raise an eyebrow and narrow my eyes. "See! I knew you were gonna judge me but oh well, I swear it feels good." She holds her arm out. "Like...when people run their fingers all over my arm...it feels real good. I dunno, I just like being rubbed..."

"Like this?" I wrap my hand around her wrist and hold her arm still. I drag my fingertips up and down her forearm and she immediately closes her eyes. "You're such a little weirdo Jo." I let her arm go and reach down to take my car out of park since traffic moved up a bit. "You really are weird."

"No c'mon...don't stop." She puts her arm over towards me again. "Alex, please...tickle my arm." I shake my head at her and put my car in park again once I move it up in line with traffic. "Come on... isn't there something that you like? I like gettin' my arm tickled...isn't there something you like?"

"...I don't know." I shrug my shoulders and try to think if I have any quirks about me that she should know about. "...I like getting my head rubbed. And I like when you play with my fingers. Nobody's ever played with my fingers before you so I never knew how much I liked it until you started doing it. It feels good when you push on my fingertips, I guess. That and getting my head rubbed." I shrug my shoulders once again and look out to see if traffic is at all close to moving. It's not so I just put my attention back on Jo. "So, I think you owe me an apology for the way you acted last night." I nudge her with my elbow and she immediately smiles. But it's not the normal Jo kind of smile, it's more flirtatious. She folds her arms across her chest, turns her head to the side and raises her eyebrow at me with that flirtatious smile. "What? You do. You were a total butthead to me last night. Elbowing me, trash-talking, calling me names. I think you should apologize to me."

"Over my dead body." She rolls her eyes at me and looks forward again but her smile doesn't go away. She crosses her legs and looks out the window. I turn my head to the side and look at her. She doesn't know that I'm looking at her because she's looking dead ahead. She's so pretty, you know? Her ears are perfect, her side profile is perfect...she's just all around gorgeous. I lean across the seat and put my lips to her neck, just below the side of her jaw. It was a random kiss, I know. I can't even tell you why I felt the impulse to kiss her either. I think I just kissed her because she's gorgeous, she's my girlfriend and I can. I do that sometimes. Sometimes I kiss Jo just because I can. Her smile widens and she giggles so playfully that I can imagine her giggling like that when she was a little girl. "I'm not letting you bribe your way into my good graces by kisses and stuff. Stop trying. It's useless."

"That's not what I was trying to do, first of all." I kiss her on her cheek again and put one hand on her kneecap. Since I still have a free hand, I reach across my body and use that one to put my car in drive again and I tap the gas pedal lightly with my foot and move up. "And second of all... I'll get my apology if I want my apology. Trust me...I'll get my apology." I caress the inside of her knee and with that same flirty smile, she tries to push my hand away because she knows what I'm going to do so I flex my muscle that way it's harder for her to push me away. I force my hand underneath her leg and I use my strength to uncross them. She accepts the fact that I was able to uncross her legs but she squeezes her thighs together. "You're not stronger than me." She smiles and rolls her eyes at me. I put my hand at the rim of her sweatpants and pull them open. Since her legs aren't open, I can't get my hand as deep between her legs as I need it to get but I'll settle. Through her underwear, I just rub the outside in an up-down motion. She picks up her phone and pretends to be super interested in it. Since she doesn't seem to think I'm going to do more than rub through her panties, I forcefully shove my hand deeper between her legs and she smiles but quickly wipes it away to keep looking in her phone. I poke her clit with my thumb and she squirms from side to side before she settles back down and keeps scrolling through whatever she's looking at on her phone. I hook my index finger around the base of her underwear and pull them to the side.

"Ooookay, no." She locks her phone and puts it back down. She starts pushing on my arm. "We're in a car..." She starts looking around. "And we're in traffic..."

"Any excuse." I turn my hand so my palm is facing down and look over at her face. I can tell that she's enjoying it. She's trying to act like she's above all of this stuff but I can see the pleasure on her face. I move my finger from side to side and ease it inside of her.

"Alex! There's...people..." She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks around again. She's really looking for any excuse to stop me because the fact that there are people around is irrelevant. We're on a one-lane highway sitting in standstill traffic. Nobody can see us and we're in the comfort of our own car. When I get a little more than an inch of my fingertip in, she closes her legs around my hand and keeps looking around. I completely ignore her and push a little more of my finger in. "No, I'm serious...stop." She squeezes her thighs around my hands and looks at me. I use one of my free fingers and slowly circle it around her clit. She squirms around in the seat and purses her lips but she's unsuccessful at holding a moan in because she lets a hum slip through her lips. She's getting wetter and the more she squirms the more I know that she's really getting into this. I move my finger back and forth inside of her and she puts her hand over her face. She's trying so hard not to moan. "Stop...it." She moaned a little when she said "it."

"Nope." I lean across the seat again and put my lips to her neck. "You talked all that trash last night...talk trash now." I open my mouth and poke her neck with my tongue. She moans again and closes her eyes. She puts her head back against the head rest and her eyebrows wrinkle. "You gonna apologize yet?" I cup my lips into an "O" shape around the skin on her neck and suck on it. While I suck on her neck, I move my finger back and forth just a little bit faster. "Do I get an apology?" She inhales and when she exhales, a moan comes with her but she has the nerve to shake her head. "No?" I move my lips up to her earlobe because I know that drives her insane. Instead of moving my finger back and forth, I move it in and out. She gasps, reaches down and grabs my arm. "How about now?"

She starts breathing heavy and grinding her teeth together. She just keeps squirming and moving her hips from side to side, occasionally bucking her hips towards me. Very gently, I brush the palm of my hand against her clit and she leans forward and puts her head down on the dashboard. When she leans forward, the position of her body allows me to finger her deeper so I do. She's dripping down my hand, she's so wet. I plunge my finger deep, in and out in a specific rhythm. "Ohhh my god..." She picks her head up and her face is really red. "Sorry...sorry." She pushes my hand away again. "Stop it..." I smirk and dig into her deeper. I love it when she can't take it anymore. When it starts feeling so good to the point where she can't take it anymore, I love it. "Alex, stop it...I'm gonna..." Her voice is breathy with desperation. She's so sexy when she moans and stuff. All of a sudden, between her legs gets so much wetter and she throws her head back. "Mmmmm!" I don't take my finger out but I do stop moving it. She's breathing heavy and wiping sweat off her forehead.

"Told you I'd get my apology." I give her one last kiss on her cheek but I still don't take my hand out of her pants. I take my car out of park with my free hand and move it up with the traffic. When she seems like she's calmed down a decent amount, I take my hand out of her pants and put it back on my steering wheel. "That's why you shouldn't doubt me."

"Shut up." She puts both her hands down her pants and fixes her underwear. "That doesn't count...you can't manipulate me to say sorry by doing that." After she fixes herself, she folds her arms across her chest again and sighs. "That's not fair. I bet I could get you to agree to anything if I was giving you a hand job or a blow job at the time." She scoots closer to me and puts her head on my shoulder. "I could ask you to shave your head and buy me a car while I'm sucking you off and you'd say yes. That's not fair. That's manipulative."

I chuckle and take my hand back off the steering wheel. "Yeah, you probably would be able to get me to agree to anything while you're going down on me." Since she's lying on my shoulder, I start "tickling" her arm with my hand. I know it probably doesn't seem like it, but it really is important to me that me and Jo keep a decent relationship, sexually and emotionally. I like how we can go from sexual to emotional in a matter of seconds. She just means more than sex to me. She starts pushing on my fingertips and I put my head against hers. "I can't wait for you to see the house..."

"Yeah? Is it beautiful?" She looks up at me.

"Mhm..." I put my lips to her forehead. "I mean, it doesn't look like you...but." She smiles at me. "It's a pretty okay house." I wink at her.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Holy...god." I shut the car door when I step out and try to wrap my mind around what I'm seeing. For the past hour, all I've wanted to do is get to the house so I can take a shower and get out of these sticky wet underwear. But as soon as we got here, I just forgot about all of it. I swear my underwear aren't wet anymore. Is this real? Because I feel like somebody needs to pinch me. Somebody pinch me and tell me that I'm dreaming. "Alex, this is..." I step back and keep trying to wrap my mind around the fact that this is HIS house. He bought this. I can't stop staring. I can't even blink. My eyes are just fixed. Right now, I'm standing in his driveway. His driveway is long enough to fit an abundant amount of cars. I can't even explain how beautiful this house is. I could only ever dream of something like this. The driveway is made from different shades of brown bricks. The brightest, greenest grass I've ever seen in my life makes a yard with grass neatly trimmed and cut low. Palm trees and all kinds of other trees that I don't know the name of line the driveway on the side that doesn't have the yard. The shrilling sound of the gates closing behind us makes me jump but somehow doesn't make me take my eyes off the beauty that is his house. The house itself is made of light brown stone. There's a garage made of dark brown wood and right next to the garage is the front door. Above the garage, on the second floor is a balcony. The entire house has windows all over the place and it's very open.

"Told you you'd love it." He stands beside me and puts his hand on my shoulder. "...I forgot how nice it is out here." He inhales the fresh California air and exhales like he's incredibly happy to be here. I'm trying not to get emotional but I just can't believe that we're finally here. We've been driving for the last two weeks and we're here. I didn't want to admit it, but a small part of me didn't really think it'd be worth it. I thought I was just coming out here because he dragged me out here and once I got here, I would hate it. I didn't know that I was coming out here to a house this beautiful. This house belongs to a millionaire. The balconies, the lights, the gate surrounding the entire property. He lives in this this neighborhood off the coast of Long Beach, called Torrance. There's a beach a mile and a half down the street from the house and we can hear the wailing of the seagulls and smell the salty ocean from here. This house is a millionaire's mansion. I could never even DREAM of this. "Come on...I'll give you the royal tour." He holds his hand out.

I snap myself out of this...this _dream _I'm in and take his hand. As he starts pulling me up the driveway, I keep looking around. The yard is so well-kept that I don't even have to ask him if he has someone that comes and cleans up the place daily. In fact, the driveway is a little bit wet from the sprinklers, so that tells me right there why the grass is so green. He pulls me around the corner of the garage and reveals the front door. The front door is made of the same wood that the garage is made of. There's a crescent-shaped window at the top of the door and there's a mailbox hanging on the wall next to it. He grabs the mail from the mailbox and turns to the keypad next to the mailbox. He flips the keypad up and punches in the code. "The code is 0105...you think you'll remember that?" He turns to me after he unlocks it. I'm so mesmerized by all of this. He twists the doorknob and pushes It open. I follow him inside and I swear I can't breathe. _He's got to be kidding me..._

As soon as I walk in the house, I'm just stunned. The main room is huge. The floor is made up of linoleum that is various shades of brown. It's so modern and so open. It's like one big room. The walls are all white and right directly to my left is a black spiral staircase. The entire proximity to my right is the living room. The couches are white and there are three of them arranged in a big circle. Hanging on the wall is the biggest TV I've ever seen in my life and right below the TV is a fireplace that's lit, which kind of makes me nervous. I take a step away from the fireplace and keep looking around. There's no possible way to explain how beautiful this house is. I must've gone out of my mind. He puts all his mail down on the coffee table and walks back over to where I'm standing. "Well?" He starts. I turn around so I can see behind myself and the entire wall is a bookshelf. His books are in the bookshelf along with others that I don't recognize. In the corner of the living room is a MacBook computer sitting on a white desk with a black chair. "What do you think?" He stands next to me. "I know it's a little...empty and spacious, but...I kinda like it." He shrugs. "At least when I'm here, I don't have to hide who I am. I like how open it is...it's not very homely though, is it? Maybe I'll get a dog...and paint the walls something other than white."

I take a step further into the room and from where I'm standing, I can see a very big kitchen. The kitchen has white granite countertops and all black appliances. The island in the middle of the kitchen is made of white granite too and there are bar stools to sit in. "...Alex, this..." I look around. "This looks like a...a millionaire's house." I think I'm about to cry. I'm just taken aback by all of this. I don't...I don't belong here. I'm a crummy foster kid. The nicest thing I ever owned before all of this was an iPhone 4. I've never...I don't belong here. I don't fit in with this. This is his actual lifestyle. This lavish stuff...this is his lifestyle. I'm not part of this. "This is really your house?" I knew Alex was wealthy. I knew he had money but I had no idea. I had NO idea. I don't fit in with this. I don't belong here. No...No wonder his stepdad or whatever doesn't like me! I DO LOOK LIKE A GOLD DIGGER! He's friggin...he's RICH! "This is your house? How do I...I mean how do you...This is it?"

"Yep." He smiles and nods. "There's no instructions to dating a man with money, so you just gotta go with the flow."

"I'm not dating a millionaire though...am I?" I just flat out ask him.

"Maybe."


	41. Normal

Being that I can't stop looking around long enough to really watch where I'm going, I just wander into the kitchen. My eyes skim over the walls and marvel at how nicely his place is decorated. The entire downstairs part of the house—the kitchen, the living room and the dining area—is all the same room, just divided into sections by pieces of furniture. It's very spacious and open and like he said, I just get the sense of freedom in here. The living room is off to one side of the room and the color scheme in the living room is black and cream-colored white. The three couches that make a circle are all the same off-white color. The coffee table in the middle of the couches is very large and the frame of it is black while the top of it is glass. The lights in the living room are on the walls and they're black electric lanterns. A black and gold rug covers the entire parameter of the living room. In one secluded corner of the entire big room is a small office. Hanging on the wall above a black desk is some artsy-looking painting with a bunch of different colors. His MacBook is on the desk and next to the MacBook are black speakers. What separates the living room from the kitchen is the row of bar stools in front of the island. In the kitchen, the cabinets, drawers and cupboards are all made of a dark brown wood. The tops are white granite and all the appliances are black. I blink my eyes for only the second or third time in the few minutes I've been in the house and sit down on one of the bar stools. I'll admit, sometimes I forget to blink. His house is spectacular and I feel like if I blink, I'll miss something. I rest my elbows on the cold granite and look speechlessly around the kitchen.

Everything is purely pristine. The appliances are shiny and look as if they have never even been used. Alex doesn't seem like he's really the cooking type so unless he has a private chef that I don't know about, it probably hasn't ever been used before. I fold my hands in my lap and look around again. I just don't belong here. I don't come from a world of expensive things and nice houses. I come from the world of...rags for clothes, wait tables for a living, shower every two days so you can save on the water bill. I don't come from this and I _don't _belong here with him. I feel out of place. This is way beyond my realm of comfort. Do I really seem like a gold digger? I mean...it's not like I knew he had this money. I knew that Alex was well off but I didn't know...I had no idea he lived like THIS. I just didn't know. "So I guess we can just order in for dinner tonight." He picks up a wax apple from the basket of fake fruit placed in the middle of his kitchen island and twists the stem in a circle. "I haven't been here in a few years so the fridge is pretty empty." He tosses the apple up in the air and catches it with one hand. "Not that I cook much anyway, but..." Once he catches it, he puts it back in the basket, rests his elbows on the countertop and leans across the counters at me. "What's wrong?" He asks. "Why so quiet?"

I shrug my shoulders and try to play it off like nothing's wrong and pick up a wax banana. I don't really want to tell him exactly why I'm so passive. I don't really think he'd get it if I explained it to him. He wouldn't get what I mean when I say that I don't belong here. I just don't fit in with his lifestyle and I can't believe it took me this long to realize it. Well, I don't really want to make the little bit of precious time I have with him awkward, so rather than just telling him that I'm uncomfortable with the fact that he's filthy freaking rich, I'll just try to normalize this experience as much as I possibly can. "...Do you really want to eat out?" I put my hands on either side of the banana and bend it. Surprisingly, it doesn't bend and break easily. It's actually pretty sturdy to have been made from wax. "We've been eating takeout and ready-made food for the last two weeks..." I put the wax banana back in the basket and drum my fingers along the granite while I look around. He was right. This place really isn't that homely. It's nice for sure, but I wouldn't really call it "homely". It just feels like it's a house but not a home. "Aren't you tired of takeout and stuff?" I could make it feel more homely, I bet.

He walks directly over to the sleek black refrigerator and wraps his hand around the shiny silver bar. He pulls it open and stands aside, revealing a dreadfully empty fridge. "Got any better ideas?" The tone of his voice is sarcastic—like he just stated the obvious to me and I'm dumber than he is. I wrinkle my brows and narrow my eyes to let him know I didn't appreciate him getting smart with me. He chuckles and shuts the door to the fridge again. "Well that was stupid. I just told you I don't have food and you ask me if I'm tired of ready-made food. That was stupid on your part. I just told you that I don't have food in this house."

"So let's go shopping?" I dish the sarcastic tone right back to him. "It's not even three o'clock in the afternoon. We have time...let's go shopping." I hop down off the bar stool I'm sitting on and fix my shirt so it's not rising up around my waist anymore. "I'll cook dinner tonight." I stretch my arms out to seem like I just decided to offer out of the clear blue. I'm actually offering to cook dinner because I just don't want him to keep spending this money on me. I know he has money and being in this amazing house with him, I now know exactly how wealthy he is. So I know that he can obviously afford to buy me takeout and take me to restaurants but I want to show him that I'm not that kind of girl. I'm the kind of girl that cooks dinner and cleans the house. I wash my own laundry; I don't send it out. I'm just a normal girl and the money doesn't phase me. I'm down-to-earth. I'm not this richy-rich girl that takes the easy way out of everything just because I can and I want to show him that. Now that his stepfather planted the idea of me being a gold-digger in his head, I just don't want him to act on that and think that I actually am. Plus, I also want to cook tonight because this place definitely won't feel like a home if I don't make a home-cooked meal tonight. Cooking is the domestic thing to do and this house is the furthest thing from the traditional domestic house. "We can go grocery shopping and when we get home, I'll start dinner." He just stands there and looks at me. His eyes are directly on my face and he looks like he's confused or better yet, thinking about something. "...Unless you were looking forward to eating somewhere tonight..." I take my offer back because it doesn't seem like he wants me to cook. _Oh well, at least I tried._

"No..." He starts. The look on his face softens and I don't really know how to explain the look he's giving me now. He looks like something took his breath away; like he's amazed and he's just now regaining his hold on reality. The look he's giving me sends chills up my spine and the fluttery feeling—the butterflies, as Amber called them—through my belly. "That's a great idea." He half-smiles and runs his hand through his head. I don't know much about love considering the fact that I've never really been in it, but I do know that the look he was giving me was a look that just told me that he loves me. Sometimes I'm never truly sure if Alex loves me the way he says he does. Sometimes I think that two weeks isn't long enough to love somebody as intensely as he says he does and it scares me to think that maybe he really thinks he loves me when he really doesn't but that look he just gave me. That look solidified everything...every doubt in my mind I had is gone with just that one look. "That's a good idea...come on, let's head out."

"Okay." I wipe my hands on the seat of my sweatpants and move my hair out of my face. He walks over to the living room and grabs his keys off the coffee table. I follow at a decent distance behind him. I don't want to seem like I'm lost in this world of luxury without his guidance, even though I am. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. I'm so out of my element and I'm so uncomfortable being here that I can hardly even move without thinking. "Um...do you have anything special you want me to make?" I play around with my fingers as I wait for him to put on his shoes again. "Anything in particular that you have a taste for?"

"Nope. Make whatever you feel like making." He stomps his feet into his shoes and opens up his front door again. I follow him outside and down the driveway to his car. "Remind me to call my cleaning lady when we get back. I wanna make sure the bathrooms are clean. I'm not sure when the last time she came out and cleaned was." He unlocks his car again and for some reason, my legs stop working. _He has a cleaning lady? _I mean, I'm not really surprised that he has someone that comes in and cleans his house but I don't understand why. What's so hard about cleaning up after yourself? Why would you waste money paying someone to do it for you? He starts to climb into the driver's seat and I'm still here, standing outside the car deep in my thoughts. _He's different. He's not what I thought he was. _I thought...forgive me, but I really thought Alex was human. I didn't think he cared about things like cooking himself or cleaning himself. I thought for sure that he wasn't concerned about the monetary aspect of things. But I was wrong. He's different. He has somebody that cleans for him and he eats takeout and expensive restaurant food. "Jo?" He stops trying to get in his car and just looks at me. "What's the matter, Jo?" I can't even say anything. He shuts his door and walks over to me. "What's wrong? And don't say nothing...something's clearly bothering you."

I feel my shoulders slouch and a lump is building up in my throat. I don't want to feel stupid or like I'm crying for no reason. I just don't think that there's any possible way that he will be able to understand exactly how I feel. He'll probably think I'm silly or just dramatic but I'm really not trying to be. I'm just terribly uncomfortable with the difference in our lifestyles. Alex's version of home and my version of home are two totally different things. Maybe if I tell him what's on my mind, he'll make an attempt to understand. I look at him and again, he's looking at me with that look that nobody else has ever looked at me with. Not the look that tells me that he loves me but the same look he gave me the very first time we kissed. My jaw trembles a little bit. "I'll clean the bathrooms up." I chicken out of telling him exactly what's bothering me. I like it when he looks at me like that. I like it so much that I can't even imagine him not looking at me like that. I don't want to mess that up.

"Okay, you can clean the bathrooms..." I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's a little bit confused. "Come on..." He puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me to the car. "I'll buy some cleaning stuff and you can clean up the bathrooms yourself." He keeps leading me to the car but I'm having a hard time actually walking while I have something this heavy on my mind. I should just tel him. I really hope I don't ruin my chances of him looking at me like that but I can't keep acting like nothing's on my mind when something really hard is on my mind. I pull it together, swallow the lump in my throat and get in the passenger's side of the car. "Why's it so important for you to do everything yourself though?" He starts the car as I buckle my seat belt. "Some kind of creepy pride thing?"

"No, I..." My hands are shaky so I fold them and bite my lip hard to calm my nerves. "...Is this your life?" As he starts backing out of the driveway, I turn my head and look at him. He wrinkles his eyebrows in a confused fashion and just starts driving. "This, I mean. Is THIS your life? The...maids, not cooking for yourself...is this your life? Because it's not mine. And we're...a lot more different than I originally thought."

"What do you mean, Jo?"

"I mean..." I sigh. "I'm not...comfortable here. I don't like this...I don't belong here. I don't fit in with this kind of lifestyle. You and me come from different worlds and I thought that maybe this could work but I don't think so anymore. Alex, I'm...I'm a foster kid. I don't have nice things like this. You're used to having something to eat everyday, having someone else that cleans for you and sleeping on thousand dollar beds. Me? I'm used to going to bed hungry. I clean up after myself and I sleep on a mattress on the floor. We're too different and I...I'm sorry, but I can't adjust to this. This isn't my version of normal..." He chuckles and turns down a winding road while smirking and shaking his head. "Go 'head and laugh at me but..." I shrug my shoulders. "It's how I feel. I don't feel like we're on the same page anymore. I don't even think we're in the same chapter. I feel like we're in totally different books, actually." See, this is why I didn't even want to open up to him. I knew he wouldn't understand.

"I'm not laughing at you." He presses down on the gas and speeds along down a straight road. "I'm laughing because you actually think that this is an issue." I suck my teeth at him and shake my head. "Stop it, Jo. You have the worst attitude sometimes. Stop it and listen to me." He takes a hand off the steering wheel and puts it on my thigh. "Listen to me." I roll my eyes. "I think it's funny that you're upset over something so stupid. You're upset because I'm used to having money and you're used to being broke. Is that it?" He acts like it's such a small issue. I get that it's not important to him but it's important to me. I don't feel like I belong here and he just doesn't get that. "No offense to you Jo, but I know. I already know that you're piss-poor. I know that you're not used to this kind of lifestyle and if you think for one second that I'm...judging you or looking down on you or even thinking about leaving you because you're not used to my life then you should get out of my car and leave me alone for good because you clearly have no idea what kind of man I am." He strokes my thigh softly. "I've seen it, Jo. I've been inside your apartment and I saw how you live. I already know what you're used to and I don't care. I don't care about any of it. Why's it so hard for you to accept that you don't have to struggle anymore as long as you're with me? Why can't you accept that?" I just look out the window. "You don't have to keep reiterating the fact that you're a foster kid to me; I get it. All the time, I try to look past that. I try to look past the fact that you're less fortunate than I am and I try so hard to make it so you AREN'T less fortunate than I am but you make it so hard sometimes."

"You're missing the point entirely!" I raise my voice at him a little bit. "I'm not saying that you care. I'm not implying that you care about our differences in social statuses. I'm not saying that. You're completely missing my point!" I clench my hands up into fists and grit my teeth. I'm getting so worked up because he's not listening to me. He's not hearing me. "What I'm saying is that we ARE different, Alex! We're different! I'm uncomfortable with your lifestyle. I don't feel like I fit in with your lifestyle. I didn't realize how different we were. I just... I thought... okay, I knew you had money. You were blowing money left and right all over the place while we were driving and I...I saw a copy of your bank statement at the first hotel we stayed at. So I knew you were wealthy but when did you plan on telling me that I was dating a millionaire? When'd you plan on telling me that you live in a mansion? Not that it matters, I just...I just feel a little bit blindsided by all of this. How am I supposed to just sit back when you do things that I don't agree with? You hire people to clean up your messes. I clean up after myself. I don't fit in with all of this. And honestly, it makes me feel insecure. You have all this money and you don't know what to do with it. Why don't you just go find someone that fits in with all this money? You picked me? Am I really supposed to believe that you want a poor girl that mooches off your money? A gold-digger?"

"First of all, you need to get that 'gold-digger' crap out of your mind right now. Get that out of your mind Jo. You're not a gold-digger and I know you're not. I know you're not and whatever my mom's husband has to say about you is irrelevant to ever situation. It's irrelevant to me what he has to say about you because it's my damn life, I'm a grown man and I know a gold-digger when I see a gold-digger and that's not you. So get that out of your mind and I don't ever want to hear that word come out of your mouth again. And secondly...Jo, I obviously want you. I obviously don't want anybody else. I don't want somebody that "fits in" with my life. You don't have to fit in. Screw fitting in. You're exactly what I want. No matter if you're poor or rich, you're what I want. I didn't fall for your social status. I fell for the kind of person you are and I LOVE the kind of person you are. You like to wash clothes, clean up and cook dinner. You like to be domestic and motherly and wifely and I love that about you. I think every day how lucky your future husband is going to be and how lucky your children will be to have a wide and a mother like you. I love the kind of person you are. If...If you're not comfortable with me having a maid and eating takeout then fine, whatever. I'll clean up my own things and if you teach me, I'll cook you dinner. I don't need any luxuries. You want me to fire my maid? 'Cause I will. If it makes you more comfortable, I will. Just tell me what I have to do to make you happy and I'll do it. What? I didn't tell you that I have money? I'm sorry. You want to know exactly how much I have? ...About 37 million total, give or take a million or two. But I don't care about the money. I don't give a damn about the money. Money will come and go but you...I want you for good. And you don't ever have to be insecure about anything. You got me. I swear to god, I'm not going anywhere." My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach when he says that. How does he always know the right things to say? "Why is it so hard for you to believe that I fell in love with the poor little foster kid? I don't know why you act like you're incapable of being loved..."

I look down at the floor and try to pull my head together. He has a couple good points but can you blame me? Blame me for thinking that he can't possibly want me? I have nothing to offer him. I'm a poor, 23 year old orphan with a college degree. He's successful and wealthy. Do you really blame me for doubting that he wants me? I don't have anything to offer him except maybe my love. Is that enough for him? A couple tears streak down my cheeks but I swat them away. He reaches over again and holds my hand. "Sometimes I just...I think you're too good to be true." I shrug my shoulders as I admit it to both him and myself. "I'm just so afraid that I'm going to mess it up. I mess everything up. Everything good in my life, I mess it up and... and you're good. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. So in the back of my mind, that's always there...like what if I mess it up?"

"You won't mess it up." He pulls into the parking lot of Walmart and searches for a parking space. "Let me worry about messing things up. You don't have to worry about anything." He turns off the car but keeps his finger on the lock button so I can't get out. "Didn't I tell you that you don't have to worry about anything? I thought I told you that the only thing you have to do is wake up in the morning. Didn't I tell you that?" I nod my head slowly and sniff hard to fix my face before we go into public. "Then don't worry about anything but waking up in the morning." He leans across the seat. "Can I have a kiss?" He puckers his lips. I nod my head again and lean in to kiss him. He smashes his lips against mine and my hand instinctively comes up and rests on his cheek. He pulls away but our noses are still touching. "Love you...mmkay?" I nod my head again. "And you're the sexiest woman on the planet, okay?" I smile and feel my cheeks redden as I blush. "Say it back." I giggle. He puts his hands on my cheeks and kisses me again. "Say it back, Jo." I run my hands through my hair and keep a smile on my face. "Say you're the sexiest beast on the planet, Alex...say it."

"...I'm not saying that." I kiss his lips one last time. "But you are pretty sexy."

**X X X **

"Why are you buying junk food?" I smack his hands away from the shopping cart and put the fifth box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal that he put in the cart back on the shelf. "Food, Alex...food. That's enough cereal." Shopping with him has done nothing but make me realize that he knows nothing about grocery shopping. If it was up to him, he'd fill up on cereal and Pizza Rolls. It's a wonder he's not 700 pounds considering the diet he's shown to have. "Grab some of that pancake mix." I point to the top shelf. "I can make pancakes for breakfast some days...and it doubles as waffle mix too, so waffles can be made too." He grabs it for me and tosses it in the cart. "And some of that oatmeal up there. The fruit and cream oatmeal." He grabs that as well. "Do you like granola bars?"

"Yep." He grabs a box of Chewy granola bars and puts them in the cart. Shopping with him is kind of nerve-wracking, I admit. It's a little hard for me to adjust to the fact that I'm not on a budget. Usually when I grocery shop, I have limited funds so I have to buy the generic brands or I have to pick and choose what's important to get right now and what's not. It's strange for me to tell him to grab something and watch him grab the name brand and know that nothing's off limits. My boyfriend's a millionaire...I'm still adjusting to that fact. I look down into the cart to see if we need anything else in the boxed aisle. So far, we have two loaves of bread, a bag of raw shrimp, three packages of ground beef, a package of pork chops, a package of T-bone steaks, bacon, breakfast sausage, hot dogs, kielbasa, cheese, frozen pizzas, milk, four boxes of cereal, a bag of Pizza Rolls, pancake mix, oatmeal and granola bars. "Do you like mashed potatoes? There's instant mashed potatoes..." He points to a box of potato buds.

"Eeeh. I make my mashed potatoes from scratch." I shake my head at him and he steps away from the box of mashed potatoes. "Do you like dessert? Grab some of that flour right there and that vanilla extract...I can bake cookies and cake." As he reaches for the flour, I turn to the shelf next to me and grab chocolate chips. Shopping with him has also been a learning experience. I'm learning about what foods he likes and the foods he doesn't like. I didn't expect to have this much fun shopping with him. "Chocolate cake, strawberry cake or both?" I ask him.

"...Both." He puts the flour and the vanilla extract in the cart and proceeds to push it. "We ready to head to the frozen section?" He asks. I mindlessly nod at him while I scan the shelves for anything I could've possibly forgotten. "And we still need things like cleaning supplies, soap, shampoo, conditioner and...feminine products..." He dances around the feminine part with skittish words.

"I don't need feminine products." I grab a box of macaroni and cheese off the shelf and start pushing the cart towards the frozen foods section. "I told you, I don't get my period. I have a box of tampons already...I don't need another."

"Ew...that stuff is so gross." He puts his hand on the cart and walks right next to me. "The fact that you just...bleed...for a week straight...that's nasty." He shudders.

"It's part of life." I turn the cart down the frozen section and start looking around. "Toaster Strudels?" He nods his head. "Strawberry or Apple?"

"Both." I grab two boxes of each flavor and put them in the cart. He picks up a bag of frozen french fries and a bag of frozen vegetables and looks at me for approval. I nod my head to give him the ok and he puts the bags of food in the cart. I'm only going to be with him for the rest of this month and half of August so we don't need to stock up enough food for the rest of the year, we only need to stock up for a month and a half. But part of me feels like he won't go grocery shopping for himself like this once I'm gone so I'm trying to buy enough to last him once I'm gone and I'm trying to show him exactly how to grocery shop the right way. I don't want him filling up on junk food. "Can we get Popsicles?" He asks me like he's a child asking his mother permission. I giggle at the thought and nod my head at him. "And ice cream...what kind of ice cream do you like?"

"Cookie dough." I tell him and turn to look at a box of frozen steak strips. This could be dinner for one day next week. I can make steak hoagies. I put the steak strips in the cart and push along down the aisle some more. "Baby." I call him from across the aisle as I eyeball a box of frozen mozzarella sticks. "You like cheese sticks?" I ask him. He nods his head and picks up the biggest carton of cookie dough ice cream I've ever seen. "How about chicken pot pie?" I look at him for a response and catch him shaking his head. I'm trying to load up on things he can pop in the oven too. I want him to eat more than just takeout without me. I'll cook for him every day until I leave so he can have good home-cooked meals but without me, he can't cook so I'm trying to buy things like frozen dinners, frozen pizzas and things like that. I really do worry about him. I wonder how he's going to eat when I'm gone. I'm not even worried about how much I'm going to miss him, I'm just worried about how well he'll be able to take care of himself. He's my baby, for lack of better wording.

"What would I do without you?" He stands behind me and puts his hands on the cart and mirrors me while I push it. He tilts his head down to the side and kisses my cheek. "What am I gonna do without you?"

"...I don't know...starve, probably." I grab another bag of frozen french fries just to be on the safe side. "What did you say we're doing tomorrow?" He mentioned earlier about going to eat somewhere special tomorrow and if I think it's too fancy, we're not going. I just need to know so I know what I should make for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

"Nowhere special...just down to the boardwalk fair to see the fireworks." He answers. I've been so caught up in him and thinking about the sweet time we have left together to even remember that tomorrow is July 4th. I don't like fireworks and the loud noises they make but I'll toughen it out tomorrow for him. Plus, if we're at a fair, maybe I'll be too distracted to notice the fireworks.

"Alright, sounds good." I stand back and look into the freezers for anything I could've missed. "You figure out what you want me to fix you for dinner tonight?"

"Spaghetti...I'm in the mood for spaghetti." He takes his hands off the cart but continues walking right beside me. "And garlic bread and salad...you got me?"

"I got you." I trudge through the freezer aisle looking for any possible thing that would be easy for him to make. He just made me really sad thinking about when I leave. "Chocolate chip cookies for dessert..."

He chuckles. "I think I love you."


	42. Sting

"I never asked you if you liked dinner." She bends her knee and holds her head up with her hand as she prepares to watch the movie I just turned on. It's only about 7:30 at night right now but since we're used to the time being a lot later than this right now, we're heading to bed pretty early. I had actually hoped to take her down to the beach at some point today, just to show her how beautiful the coast of California is. But after we got home from grocery shopping and finished putting all our groceries away, we both were pretty tired. So Jo took a shower, made dinner, I showered and we both ate. Now we're winding down our day by curling up on the couch and watching a movie before we head upstairs and go to bed. She's lying down flat on her back in front of me on the couch and her leg is propped up, as well as her head. I'm lying behind her on my side. My couches are all big enough to fit the both of us quite comfortably. "I mean, you ate seconds so I assume you liked it." She hogs the bowl of popcorn all to herself and shovels a handful in her mouth. I'm trying not to get attached to this feeling but honestly, I could get used to this. I could get used to Jo cooking me dinner and it just being the two of us living in a house—a home—together. She's leaving pretty soon so I'm really trying to limit myself but I can't help but notice how good it feels to be in a house with her, acting like we're basically married. I don't want to tell Jo, but I'm really starting to think that bringing her here was a huge mistake.

I gently take her hair out of the ponytail she threw it up in and wait for her to stop me because I know that she gets weird about her hair sometimes. She doesn't even bother stopping me so I guess she's fine if I play with it. I drag my fingers through it and don't snag on any knots, which means she didn't forget to brush it for me like she said she would earlier in the car. I start at her temple and run my hands through all of her pretty hair. I've been in a pretty sullen mood ever since she was cooking dinner for me. I was taking a shower while she was cooking and when I got out and got dressed, I came back downstairs and I walked into the kitchen and I saw her. She was stirring the pot of spaghetti sauce and she tasted it with her finger. It was a simple gesture but it was something so reassuring to me for some reason. I sat back and watched her while she cooked for me and I just realized that I never wanted to let her go. I just had the realization that I love this woman. She was cooking me dinner, slaving over a hot stove for me. I had a vision. Of her baking cookies or a cake with my kid someday. I know that it can't happen that way but it was nice to think about it for a minute. Having Jo here is just making me think and dream of irrational things and that's why it was a mistake to bring her here. I'm beginning to lose track of what's realistic and I just know that I made a mistake by having her here. This is going to hurt so bad in the end.

"Alex." She calls my name and I mumble a "hmm?" to let her know I'm listening. I grab three strands of her hair and start weaving a sloppy braid into it. "You never answered me about dinner...did you like it?" She holds the bowl of popcorn over towards me and I nudge it back towards her because I don't want any. I nod my head and put my lips to her temple. She's so precious to me. I never want to hurt her or upset her, ever. I don't want to see her sad or in pain. Jo's like a diamond to me—precious and worth a lot but tough. Sometimes I really, really, really have a hard time believing that she's real. Her hair is silky and perfect, she has a beautiful face, a beautiful body. She's just a beautiful person, the most beautiful person I've ever come across. "What's wrong, baby?" She puts the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and turns around to face me. "Why aren't you talking?" She noticed. She noticed that I don't want to talk. I just...don't want to talk tonight. I think it's really hitting me that the love of my life is leaving me and I have nothing to say to her tonight. It's on my mind heavy that she's leaving and if I start talking to her, I'm going to cry. "Are you alright?" I nod my head again. "Are you just tired?" I nod yet again. I'm not tired at all, actually. In fact, I want to wait for her to fall asleep for the night so I can watch her and stare at her. Maybe that's creepy but I don't care. I often watch Jo while she sleeps. Sometimes she moans in her sleep and I have to hold her tighter to get her to stop. She has nightmares, I noticed. "Then go to sleep. You had a long day...driving and stuff. Go to sleep."

"I'm fine." I mumble and keep running my fingers through her hair. Since the movie credits are over and it's officially starting, she turns her head to watch it. I'm watching her instead of the movie. Just the way her eyelashes flutter when she blinks mesmerizes me. Her eyelashes flutter and her chest rhythmically pumps up and down in tune with her breathing. I pull her hair away from her ear and she doesn't even budge. I surprise myself by finding another one of her beauty marks. Right below her ear towards the back of her head is a tiny little brown circle. I thought I knew every inch of Jo's body, that's why I'm so surprised to discover one that I missed. She has eleven on her back, two on her butt, three on her stomach, two on her chest, one right next to her left nipple, four on her thighs; two on each thigh, six on her left arm and four on her right, five scattered about her neck, one on her right wrist and one on her face, right next to her mouth. I know every inch of her body. Maybe that makes me creepy or obsessive but like I said, I spend a lot of time watching her sleep. I put my lips to her ear and kiss the side of her head. "You're so beautiful, Jo..." I don't think she hears that enough. I think it to myself all the time but I never actually tell her. She should know how gorgeous she is. The corners of her mouth turn up into a smile and she just sighs. She never says thank you when I tell her that she's pretty. She's not conceited and while I like the fact that she's not very self-centered, I think she should at least know that she's freaking beautiful. "Tell me thank you." I don't want her to go off to Massachusetts as shy and as quiet as she is. She should own the fact that she's prettier than anyone else she'll ever come across.

"Thank you, Alex." She keeps her attention locked on the TV screen and I can't take my eyes off of her. I like the way her jaw squares away to form her chin. It doesn't make any sense for her to look like this. I kind of want to laugh at myself for ever thinking that Lucy was the most beautiful woman in the world. One of her hands is resting on her stomach while the other one is resting next to her face. I take my hand away from her hair and put it on top if her hand. I really should be the one thanking her...for everything, I mean. She changed me for the better. I'm a much better person because she loves me. I just keep thinking about the kind of man I was before her. I was a lonely guy with enough money to do anything in this world I wanted to do. I was content with being lonely, content with never getting married because as far as I was concerned, women were bitches. I was a jerk and I really thought that I was a hopeless case. I wasn't looking for anyone to love me. And I met her. I mean, I _really _met her; none of that small talk we had for six months prior. I started opening up to her and she became my best friend and I'm sure that she's the love of my life. And she wants me.

How crazy is that? She wants someone like me. She said she loves me. Me. Someone like me. She said it and suddenly, every doubt crumbled to dust and I felt my heart bursting free. Me. She wants me. She said it and all of a sudden, I didn't feel so helpless anymore. Back when she said it to me and she told me that she loved me and I really knew that she meant it, I just...I didn't want to be that man anymore. That jerk that nobody wanted to be around. I didn't want to be that man anymore. I want to be the someone she wants. Because she wants me, you know? She wants someone like me. She has a dream and that dream is to be with me. She's my someone. The someone I always dreamt about, the someone I envisioned when I was writing my stories where the guy gets the girl in the end. I just hope that overtime, the world will see that she was actually born to be with someone like me. It's not completely crazy that she chose to love me. I surely don't deserve her but she still wants me and as long as she wants me, I'm going to try to be the kind of man she deserves.

I go back to watching her face and notice that her eyes are getting heavier and heavier every time she blinks. I think she's sleepy. I take my hand away from her body and lie down flat against the couch as well. She doesn't budge but her eyes are still heavy. I grab her arms and pull her until she catches the drift of what I'm trying to do. She reluctantly peels her eyes off the movie to adjust our positioning. I hold up the blanket we're covered up with and she scoots over, turns her body and moves her legs on either side of my body, like she's straddling me. I pull the blanket over around her back and she lies down flat against my chest and turns her head so she can still watch the movie. Underneath the covers, I stroke my fingertips up and down her back because I know she likes to be rubbed. "Alex." She calls my name again but unlike the last time she called my name, her voice is raspy and very tired. I love the way she says my name. She curls her arms under and hooks them onto my shoulders so that she's holding me while I'm holding her. "...Can you wait for me?" She sounds like she's fighting to stay awake. I slip my hands up underneath her shirt and keep stroking her back. "Like..." She interrupted by a yawn. "If I come back after four years, we'll still be together...right?"

"Mhm." I nod my head and rest my chin on top of her head. "Yep. If you come back after four years and you're still single and I'm still single, we can be together." She's about to fall asleep and I want her to have good dreams as opposed to the nightmares she has sometimes, so I take it upon myself to fill her head with happy things before she falls asleep. "Actually, I'm gonna come find you..."

"You are?" She's so close to falling asleep.

"I am." I keep talking to her. I'm not filling her head with nonsense. I actually am going to go find her. I figured it out. Earlier when I saw her stirring the spaghetti sauce, I figured it all out. After my year's up, I'm going to quit my job and fly out to Massachusetts to live out there for the rest of her three years. That's the plan. Now, it's not very well thought out because who's to say that me and Jo will last in a long-distance relationship for a year? My daydream could still come true. We could lose touch after a year and break up because our schedules are so different. But that's the plan...if we don't lose touch. Obviously if we lose touch after a year, I'm not quitting my job and going to Massachusetts. If we lose touch after a year, I'm just going to let her live her life and I'm going to live mine. But if we are still going strong, I'm quitting and I'm going to Massachusetts. So I'm really not filling her head with nonsense—I'm telling her what I plan to do. I don't know if it's actually going to happen though. "After my year's up...I'm gonna come get you. And we're gonna get married." I kiss the top of her head. "And have lots of babies...if you want."

"Babies..." I feel her cheeks fluff up when she smiles. I'm still not lying to her. If we're still together after a year and I get the chance to go out to Massachusetts with her, we are going to get married and we are going to have us some babies eventually.

"Yep...babies." I keep stroking her back up and down. Her eyes close and her breathing evens out. "But we have to stay together...even if we're apart for a year." Her head softly nods against my chest. "But if you find somebody...and he's nice to you and he treats you well and you really like him, be with him. Don't turn people down waiting for me, Jo...don't do that. I want you to be happy without me...even if that means being with somebody else. Don't wait for me...don't you dare wait for me. If you don't find anyone that piques your interest, that's great. But don't blow off nice guys because you're waiting for the guy that's across the country...promise me that. Promise me that we have to stay together on our own terms. Promise me that you won't sit around waiting a year to be happy...okay?" She nods again.

"You too..." Her voice is very faint. "Don't pass up nice girls for me..."

"I promise I won't." I stop stroking her back just to kiss her forehead but I go right back to stroking it again. "Goodnight."

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"It's just a little festival kind of thing. They have one every year and it's the same thing. I've been there twice. It's basically just a fair with games and rides and food and stuff and then they do a firework show at the end. It's nothing real special." He lifts the beach bag we packed up out of the trunk and slings it over his shoulder. I adjust my shorts so my butt cheeks aren't hanging out of them and stretch my arms out from sitting in the car for the last five minutes. We seriously could've walked here—it's only down the street from his house. But Alex doesn't walk anywhere. In addition to a bunch of other traits about him, he's also wasteful of gas. Add that to the list of things he's wasteful of. I'm in a really good mood today. I slept really well last night and I got up and cooked us a pretty good breakfast. We had chocolate chip pancakes and bacon so we didn't really need to eat lunch since we were still full from breakfast. We're going to eat dinner here at the fair tonight. I'm a little excited to be here. I've never been to a beach festival before. "If you want to live at any time just tell me." He puts his hand on my waist and pulls me close to him as we start to walk towards the entrance of the boardwalk. I nod my head and hold onto his arm. "Also, there's a few people you might have to meet. I have some friends out here that haven't seen me in a while and stuff." I nod again. I'm not thrilled about meeting people, I'll tell you that.

We walk up a small flight of steps and through the entrance of the boardwalk. I'm a surprised—pleasantly surprised—to see how nice it is. It's decorated in red, white and blue things of course. Everywhere I look is an American flag hanging up and things that say "Happy Independence Day!". Music is playing over speakers that are mounted to street lights and it's pretty crowded here. A bunch of people are munching on things like ice cream, corn dogs and Popsicles. Little kids are running around in their bathing suits laughing and having fun. Off in the distance is a rollercoaster that's going up a hill and next to the rollercoaster is another circular shaped ride that spins in a circle and lifts up off the ground. Game booths surround the entire left side of the walkway and on the right side are food booths. The gate that leads down to the beach is open and there are more people chilling out on the beach than there are up here enjoying the festival. People dressed up as our founding fathers are handing out toys and play fireworks to little children. I'm so glad he brought me here. Finally, I feel normal. We're out somewhere that isn't fancy and doesn't cost a fortune. I feel like this is what normal people that live in Long Beach do. "So what are doing first?" I turn to him.

"Whatever you want to do first. We can ride something, go play a game, eat something...whatever you want to do." He takes his hand off my waist but stays close to me. "You wanna go mess around on the beach?" He suggests. I excitedly nod my head. "Alright, come on." He slides his hand inside mine and walks with me down to the beach. The beach is so pretty. The water is really blue and the sand is perfectly brown. Little families are building sandcastles while most people are out enjoying the water. He puts our beach bag down in a vacant spot and spreads out a towel. I kick off my flip flops and start taking off my shorts. He takes off his shirt and takes off his sandals as well. I pull my shirt off over my head and put it down next to the rest of our clothes. I've never been to a beach before. I've seen pictures of it and I've always imagined what a beach would be like but it's so much better in person. I wiggle my toes in the sand marvel at the feeling. It feels good...really good. "You wanna go get in the water?" He asks and still fascinated by the feeling of sand between my toes, I just end up nodding my head. "Alright, come on. And stay close to me...don't repeat what happened at Big Surf."

"I'll stay close." I walk towards the ocean water, making sure to smush my toes in the sand every step of the way. Once I get to the edge, I let the tide come up and hit my feet. The water is cold but it's not unbearable. It's nothing like pool water. It's warmer and way more comfortable than pool water. It's foamy and when it pulls back in, it dispenses sand at the rim. I think I like the ocean so far. Alex is standing right next to me so I take a couple steps further into the water. He's following me so it's okay if I go deeper. I walk in all the way until my knees are covered with lukewarm ocean water. I hold my hands out to the waves can hit them when they break. "...Alex, look...is that a jellyfish?" I point to something that looks like a white plastic shopping bag just floating on top of the water.

"Looks like." He's brushing his hands through the water as he's getting used to the temperature.

"I wanna go see...come on." I wade over towards it and I hear him following me so I walk just a little faster to get to it before it floats away. "Look how neat..." I reach my hand out to touch the top if it.

"Jo, don't touch that!"

"It's just the top...the tops don't sting." I reach out and touch it anyway. It's really squishy and slimy. I squeeze it and listen to it make a nasty squishy noise. "...It's just a little baby cute one." I keep squeezing it, careful not to touch the stingers. I think it's dead because it's not even trying to swim away and it's just floating. "I saw on Finding Nemo that the tops don't sting." I glance over at him to see if he finds this as cool as I find this. He's looking at me like he's really annoyed. I roll my eyes at the fact that he's nothing put a sourpuss and keep touching the jellyfish. "I think he's dead." I squeeze my hand around the top again and lift it up to see his tentacles and I guess one accidentally touches my finger because it immediately burns. "'Ouch!" I drop it immediately and pull my hand away.

"See now what'd I tell you? Taking advice from a freaking kid's movie..." He walks over towards me. "Lemme see it..."

"It doesn't hurt..." I stare at the red mark on my finger and see that it's not bleeding or anything, it's just a big red welt like a bee sting. I show it to him and he takes my hand and holds it up to his face. "Bastard. I was nice to it and it stung me. I was gonna be real nice and bury him because I thought he was dead."

"I'd sting you too if all I was doing was minding my own business and you came over and started squeezing my head." He twists my hand up and stares at the welt on my finger as if something's going to change. "What in god's name possessed you to go pick up a damn jellyfish? You ought to be lucky it wasn't a poisonous one. Sometimes I wonder about you, Jo. You thought it was okay to pick up a jellyfish because an animated clown fish taught you that the tops won't sting you? Are you stupid?" He rubs my finger with his thumb. "You're gonna be fine, but you should've just left it alone. Listen to me next time. I know what's good for you."

"...Who are you, my dad?" I narrow my eyes at him and shake my head. "You don't know shit about me, Alex. Screw you." I pull my hand away from his and walk away. I don't appreciate him chastising me like I'm his child. I'm a grown woman. He has no business telling me what I can and cannot do. If I want to touch a freaking jellyfish, I'm gonna touch a jellyfish. It might've been stupid but oh well. I'll make stupid decision and he's not going to chastise me for it.

"Jo, come here." I didn't realize how close behind me he was. He reaches out and grabs my arm and makes me turn around. "I'm sorry." He rolls his eyes at me and I don't appreciate that either. "You just do really stupid things sometimes. You're fearless and that's not always a good thing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out on you. I just don't want you to get hurt." He sincerely apologizes and even though I don't want to, I accept it. "Come on...let's not let this ruin our day." He pulls me back towards him. "Just don't go touching any dangerous creatures. You scared me a little bit there."

"I knew what I was doing. You don't have to treat me like I'm a child."

"You're right." He mumbles and I know it just killed him to admit that I was right. "Lemme see your finger." He holds his hand out again and I give him my injured hand. He scopes out the welt on my finger and looks at it again. "You know I'm gonna have to pee on it now, right?"

"...What?!"

"That's how you take care of a jellyfish sting. You get somebody else to pee on it. I have to pee on it now." He lets my hand go and underneath the water, he starts untying the drawstrings on his swim trunks. "Come on...lemme pee on it."

"You're not pissing on me!" I snatch my hand away from him and hold my other hand out to stop him from taking his junk out in front of all these people. I mean, nobody's really watching us right now but still. The principal is that he's about to whip out his junk in public.

"If you don't let me pee on it and sterilize the wound, your finger WILL get infected and it WILL fall off. Everybody knows this, Jo. It's science." He keeps undoing his drawstrings. "Just think of it as I love you enough to pee on your jellyfish sting."

"You're not pissing on me, Alex. I don't give a damn. I'll take my chances with my finger falling off before I let you piss on my hand."

"At least it's your hand and not your face."

"I don't give a damn if it was my foot! You're still not peeing on me." I stare at my finger and see that it actually is getting redder and redder by the minute. "...Why can't I just pee on it myself? Why do you have to pee on it?"

"Because...your body will...reject your own pee. It's about the enzymes or something like that." He has the strings on his pants untied and he's just standing there. "Are you gonna let me pee on it or not?" He says, very matter-of-factly. I keep looking at my swollen, red finger. "All you have to do is put your hand down my swim trunks. I'll pee on it. It'll be done in like two seconds and BAM, you're cured and your finger won't fall off." I just keep looking at my poor finger. "Just stick your hand down my pants, Jo. That's all you gotta do."

"...Okay." I poke my lip out because I admit, this isn't my proudest moment. My boyfriend's about to pee on my finger all because I was stupid enough to pick up a jellyfish... I sigh and bite my lip so I don't cry. I'm so embarrassed. I really wish I had never even touched that jellyfish. I take a step closer to Alex and reluctantly stick my hand down his trunks. "Can we just get this over with?"

"You're not touching the right spot." He mumbles. "Go to the tip..." I look around to make sure nobody's seeing this and move my hand to the tip of his junk so the pee can get on my finger, I presume. "Now cup your hand...around it." I do as he says. "And move down a little bit." I move my hand down like he says. "Now move back up..." I do. "Go back down..." I do it again. I kind of feel like I'm giving him a hand job but he said... I mean, I just don't want my finger to fall off... He starts laughing really hard and I'm about to just cry. Why's he laughing at me? My eyes well up with tears and I really have to hold them back something serious. "Get your hand outta my pants, Jo..." He still laughing. "You're gonna be fine, babe. I don't have to pee on you."

"...You're freaking horrible!" I snatch my hand out of his pants and punch him in his chest. "You ass!" I punch him in the chest again. "I was...I almost freaking cried! What is wrong with you?! You evil son of a bitch!" I keep punching him in his chest and he can't stop laughing at me. "Oh, you just wait! Just wait until I get you back! Just WAIT!"

"I was waiting for you to pick up on the fact that I was bullshitting you, Miss I-Went-To-Princeton-And-Have-A-Science-Degree."

"Just wait until I get you back. Just wait until I get you back...wait on it. I'm getting you back ten times worse." I have to think of a way to really repay him for that. He tricked me into giving him a hand job! Oh, I'm getting him back. "It's so on..." I shake my head at him and give him my best gameface. "It's ON."

"Bring it."

**X X X **

"Two corndogs please. One with mustard, one with just ketchup." He orders our food from the elderly woman with glasses that's working the Tiki Bar. I stand next to him with my arm around his waist and my head against his arm. I'm in no way, shape or form threatened by this elderly woman so please believe that the reason I'm clinging to him isn't because I'm threatened by her. I'm clinging to him because he's just my best friend in the entire world and I love him. The sun is beginning to set and did I mention how beautiful the sunset on the beach is? It's beautiful. We've been here for hours now and it doesn't feel like it. It feels like we just got here. Aside from my jellyfish incident, today's been absolutely perfect. We played around in the ocean for a little while, we rode the rollercoaster and he played a couple games and won me a pair of oversized sunglasses. So far, I've gorged myself on Italian ice and funnel cake. It's time for us to eat some real food though. "And can I have an iced tea...and a Mountain Dew. With a side of...two sides of fries." He finishes our order and slides his card in the machine to pay for it.

I really don't ever want this to end. I never want to leave this moment—these moments, rather. What he said to me while I was falling asleep last night gave me so much hope. I just hope I don't meet someone that I like. Ii made a promise to him that I wouldn't write off all men because I'm waiting for him and I'll keep my promise. I won't put my life on hold for the sake of waiting for him. I just really hope we can make this long-distance year work. I think we can do it. I have faith in us. And I meant what I said as well. I don't want him to put off dating to wait for me either. I want him to be happy without me, I do. I just really want this to work out somehow. I wrap my arm completely around his waist and hug him. He totally ignores me, like I'm not even there. I love it when he acts like I'm not there. I don't like being ignored, I just like it when he acts like it's no big deal that his girlfriend is clinging all over him in public. I still have to find some way to get him back for earlier. I'm not going to get him back tonight. No, I'm going to wait. I'll get him back eventually...I want the suspense to kill him. I want him to think I forgot about it.

"Come on, let's go sit down." He grabs the tray that our food is on and starts walking towards an empty table. With my arm still around his waist, I follow him. He puts the food down on the table and sits down. I sit across from him and grab the plate of the corndog with just ketchup and the fries. I grab my iced tea as well and take a long sip. I swirl my corndog around in the container of ketchup and take a bite off the top of it. He starts with his french fries. "Lemme know if you want dessert or something." He says with a mouthful of fries. I nod my head because I won't try to talk to him when my mouth's full. I swallow and lick my lips and take another sip of iced tea. Two people walk through the aisle beside us and sit down at the table behind us. I pick up a french fry and dip it in ketchup too. "After we eat, you wanna go watch the fireworks...then go home?"

I haven't told him how I feel about fireworks yet but I really don't think it's necessary. I'll be fine with the fireworks. I nod my head and open my mouth to start talking again. "Yeah, but I kinda—"

"Alex Karev." The guy that sat with the girl in the table behind us interrupts me and I'm not too pleased with that. Alex turns around to see the guy and when he does, he smiles all wide and gives the guy a big handshake. He did say that he had friends around here... I just keep my head down and continue eating. "What's up, man? Long time no see! What brings you back to the west coast?!"

Alex swallows his mouthful of food and completely ignores the fact that I'm sitting across from him. "Hey Tony." He's all happy to see his friend and I think that's nice. He has friends and that's nice but I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that I don't know this person and he does. "Yeah, I know..it's been like what? Four, five years?" Him and the guy share another handshake and I roll my eyes as I shove another fry into my mouth. "I'm livin' out here now. What've you been up to, man?"

"Oh, you know...livin'." The guy ignores the girl he's sitting with as well and for a brief second, our eyes meet from across the table. I feel sort of a connection with her because we're both being ignored at the moment. I give her a friendly smile and look away. She's pretty. She has long blonde hair and very tan skin and gorgeous blue eyes. She looks uncomfortable though, just like me. "Still workin' at the firm downtown. I introduce you to my stepdaughter, Mia?" He motions to the girl sitting across the table from him and I kind of feel alone again. She's his stepdaughter? She looks old enough to be his girlfriend or something. She looks like she's my age. Okay, maybe she's younger but still...she looks old. Here I thought I might've been able to relate to this girl because she was his girlfriend but here I am, alone again. "This is my stepdaughter, Mia. She'll be 15 in August." _That's a big 15 year old._

"Yeah, I saw on uh...Facebook that you got married. Congrats, dude." Once again, Alex shakes the guy's hand. "This is my girlfriend, Jo." To my surprise, he actually introduces us. I quickly swallow the bite of corndog I chewed up and lift my head to look at the guy. I smile politely and wave my hand. "Jo, this is Tony...he's been my friend for years. He's the first guy I met when I came out here the first time. We used to go drinking down at The Sugar Shack together." I nod my head as if I really care when I don't. The little girl gets up from her seat and starts walking towards a group of other girls. The guy—Tony, looks over and sees her meet up with the girls but he doesn't seem to care.

"I'm gonna go grab some extra napkins, Alex." I slide out of the booth I'm sitting in. He nods his head at me and continues to talk to his friend. I walk around the corner where the condiment table is. I feel kind of important in a sense. He introduced me to one of his friends. I just wish I wasn't so awkward in social situations so I could really enjoy the fact that I met a new person but as you know, I really hate meeting new people. I'm honestly a little shocked that he actually has friends. Alex doesn't seem like the friendly type to me but you know, surprises come every day. I grab some napkins from the napkin dispenser and a fork to use for my fries. I turn around to walk back to the table but I kind of want to eavesdrop. I wonder what Alex and his friend talk about. So I discreetly turn my back towards the wall and just listen in as best as I can to hear whatever I can.

"What does she do? Tony asks.

"She actually goes to school." Alex says. "She's going to med school to be a doctor."

"Does she like...model on the side or something?"

Alex laughs. "Nah, Jo doesn't model. She should, but...she's not like that. She's not real flashy, you know? She's real modest and she's quiet...way too shy to get into modeling."

"Damn. I thought for sure she was a model. I was about to say, I knew you'd always end up dating a model." Tony follows up. _Me? A model? HAH. _"She's perfect, man. How'd you meet her?"

"She actually worked in that store my dad owned. I've known her for about...seven months or so. I saw her and I just had to have her. She is pretty great."

"Great? She's beautiful! That woman is perfect. She is PERFECT. She got a sister?"

"Chill out man...that's my girl." Alex says that with a chuckle but I can tell that he was serious about that. I can tell by the tone of his voice. "Nah, she don't have a sister."

"How long have you two been together?"

"A couple weeks now."

"She let you hit yet?"

"Of course." Alex says with a laugh which really, pisses me off. What the hell does he mean by "of course"? Am I easy? I'm not easy... "She's got the kind of personality where...I mean, I'd probably be with her even if she wasn't putting up but of course she is. That's part of a relationship, isn't it? And we're pretty serious..."

"She good in bed? She looks like she's wild." He asks and Alex laughs again. Why does he keep laughing? "I'm serious, man. She looks like she'd be wild in the sack. Her body is perfect. She looks like she could be a porn star."

"She is crazy in bed." Alex admits. "She's down for anything." He clears his throat. "But she definitely couldn't be a porn star. She's a lady...real ladylike." I don't think he's comfortable with this conversation. He's being real short and he keeps laughing like he's nervous about something. "So what about your wife? What's she like?" _He definitely wasn't comfortable with that conversation. _I smile to myself because I taught my baby well. He knows better than to talk about me any kind of way to his friends. I didn't appreciate the comment that implied that I'm easy but other than that, he did well. I'm proud of my baby.

I flip my hair over my shoulder and go ahead back to the table, acting like I didn't hear any of that. But I do notice that Tony is looking at me like he wants me. Instead of sitting on my side of the table, I go over to Alex's side and sit on his lap. Tony is really staring at me. He's trying not to make it obvious and honestly, if I hadn't overheard their conversation, I probably wouldn't notice that he's looking at me with such lustful eyes. "I can't wait to get home and come out of this bathing suit." I say out loud. Alex puts his hands around my waist. "I think I'm sleeping naked tonight..."

"Sounds good to me." Alex says. I think he knows that I overheard their conversation now because he rubs my hip in a comforting motion.

Good. I'm glad he knows that I heard what his friend was saying about me. And I'm glad he knows that I'm just being a tease.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"I'm still sorry you had to hear all of that." I apologize to her yet again for the things that my friend said. She told me when I apologized the first time that it was okay. She said she didn't really care that Tony thought she was hot. She said she was flattered. But still, I feel like she shouldn't have had to hear any of that. She shouldn't have had to hear my friend talk about her like she's a piece of meat. It's just that...me and Tony used to talk about girls like that all the time. Back before I even met Jo, that's how we used to talk. Nowadays, I can't even imagine us talking about Jo like that. I put my arm around her shoulder and walk down the boardwalk with her. It's dark outside finally, which means the fireworks are gonna start soon. I've had a pretty good time with Jo tonight, as always. Today was fun. Aside from the fact that she was stupid enough to touch a jellyfish, of course.

"I told you that it's fine, baby. Stop apologizing. How could I be mad? Your friend thinks I could be a model...If anything, I like him." She winks at me and that makes me crack a smile. I kiss her temple and instead of walking with my arm around her shoulder, I move down and hold her hand instead. She really did handle the comments that Tony made well. She let me know that she heard us without actually saying it. I guess I'm just glad she's not mad at me.

We walk past a guy dressed up like Benjamin Franklin that's handing out unlit sparklers. "Here...let's get some sparklers." Jo eagerly walks over to him with me. "Two, please." I say to the guy dressed like Ben Frank. He takes two sparklers from the bouquet he has in his hand and ignites them with a grill lighter. The sparklers come alive and start sizzling as they burn bright and white. Jo pulls her hand away from me and takes a step back. "Here, babe..." I hold one out to her. "If you move it fast enough, you can write your name...try it." I keep trying to hand it to her but she won't take it. "Jo, here... here."

"...I don't want one... no thank you." She shakes her head and her eyes are so wide and buggy.

"They're fun babe, look... it's just a sparkler. Take it. You hold it and that's it... you just hold it." I try handing it to her again. I take a step towards her and hold my hand out as the sparkler is burning.

"No thank you..." She backs away from me. "Get it away from me...get it away from me." Her voice is panicky like a little child's would be. Is she really afraid of a sparkler? It's just a little sparkler. Two year olds can hold these.

I take another step towards her and hand try to hand it to her once more. "Jo, just hold it. Hold it at the very bottom...right at the end. It's not going to bite you. It's a sparkler. A SPARKLER. Just hold it...before it burns out."

"Get it away from me." She takes a step back again. I step towards her and hold it about a foot away from her. "STOP IT!" She turns her back towards me, covers her face with her hands and hunches her back over. "Stop it Alex...I said no thank you...I don't want one. I don't like them..." She has a real, irrational phobia of these things. I thought it was just fire that she was afraid of. I didn't realize she'd be afraid of sparklers too. They're just sparklers. I just leave her alone but I hold the two sparklers in my hands. She takes her hands away from her face and turns to face me again. I tease her with them by putting them closer to her and she literally SCREAMS. My ears ring from her screaming. "STOP IT! PLEASE STOP IT!" I think she's crying. "It's not funny... it's not funny..."

"Alright, fine." I toss the sparklers down on the grown and stomp out the flames on them. "You're a party pooper." I walk over to her and grab her arm. "Come on." She loosens her tense body back up and starts to open up to me again. I didn't realize that she was scared of SPARKLERS too. SPARKLERS. Just as she starts to grab my hand again, the firework show starts. The big firework lets out a LOUD shrieky noise as it shoots up in the sky and she FLIPS. She throws her arms around me and squeezes my neck so tight that I'm choking. "Jo...let me go. Jo, stop it. Stop it. They're just fireworks." I try to pry her arms from around my neck.

"NO!" She's digging her nails into my skin and her face is directly by my ear and I can hear that she's BAWLING her eyes out. "I wanna go home, okay? I don't wanna be here... I don't wanna be here...I don't want to stay...take me home." She sounds like a baby. I mean really, she sounds like a baby. She doesn't sound like Jo. Another firework shrieks and pops in the sky and she tenses up again and climbs up my body like the ground is about to eat her or something. "I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE!" She snivels but she's crying so hard. "Please! Please, Alex... please!" Another firework shoots up into the sky and when this one explodes in the sky, it literally sounds like a gun shot. "AHHHHHHH!" She screams in my ear and starts crying even harder. Why did I even bring her here? I didn't know she was THIS scared of fireworks. I thought she was just afraid of fires...she's not joking around. It must be pretty intense for her to be acting like this.

"Alright...alright, we're going home." I try to get her off of me again so I can walk properly but she won't let me go. "Jo, you have to let me go so I can walk... I can't walk when you're on me like this." She's sobbing, uncontrollably, inconsolably. It's starting to hurt to see her this upset. "...I didn't know. I didn't know it was this bad... I thought it was just fire." I rub her back. "I'm sorry...calm down. Calm down...okay? Calm down..." I rub my fingertips along her back like I always do to get her to be in her calmest state but it's not even working. "I'm sorry..." I should've just stopped after she dissed the sparklers the way she did. I don't think she realized what they were when she walked over to the guy to get them with me. She went completely berzerk when they were lit. I should've stopped after the sparklers. That was an asshole move on my part. "Please calm down, Jo."

She's not necessarily overreacting. She has a real fear and I was mean about it by trying to force her to overcome it. She's sobbing in my ear so hard that she's hardly breathing. Damn.

I swear I didn't realize she was THAT scared of all things fire-related...


	43. Worry Too Much

She hasn't said anything since we left the festival, which is fine considering the fact that all she was doing is crying. She finally stopped crying and that's a victory in my eyes. Needless to say that I feel horrible about how that all went down back at the festival. She was scared to death and it took her crying like that for me to realize that she wasn't joking around and she was scared. At first, I really did think that she was just trying to get me back from earlier. I know Jo's a con-artist and I know that she can cry on command and make things very believable, just from seeing her do what she did to get me out of trouble back at the hotel in Kansas. I knew she was mad at me for telling her that I had to pee on her finger and she vowed to get me back so when she started crying like that, I started thinking that maybe she was just trying to get me back. But when she started sobbing the way she was, crawling up my body, scratching my neck and begging me not to let go, I knew she was serious. So I made a mental note that Jo is afraid of ALL THINGS FIRE-RELATED. I have scratches on my neck from her climbing up my body and holding onto me for dear life.

I take off my t-shirt and my swimming trunks. Jo's in the shower right now and I ran her water for her. When we got home, she went straight upstairs to my room and sat on the bed. She was shaking pretty bad but she seemed okay, compared to the mess she was back at the beach. I went in the bathroom and ran shower water for her and she's been in there for about ten minutes or so. I toss my t-shirt in the dirty clothes basket and take my trunks and hang them up on the door handle, just like Jo taught me how to do. I pick my towel up off the back of the desk chair in the corner of my room and wrap it around my naked waist. "Jo." I call her name just as I open up the bathroom door. She pokes her head out from behind the shower curtain and looks at me. "You okay?" I ask her. She nods her head and pulls the curtain closed again. "Alright. Leave the water running. I'll just hop in after you." I sit down on the back of the toilet seat and wait for her to get out. "You know I'm sorry, right?" I've already apologized three times to her for putting her in a situation like that but I just feel like I need to keep apologizing. She has to know that I'm really sorry and if I had known that she was going to react like that, I would've taken her home before the firework show even started.

"I know." She finally speaks to me and I smile at hearing her voice. Even though her voice is hoarse from crying and her throat is scratchy, I still really missed hearing her voice. She pulls the shower curtain back and grabs her bath towel. "I just thought I was gonna be okay." She unfolds her towel and wraps it around her body. "I never really did like fireworks ever since I was a little kid but I didn't think I was gonna have a problem with them...until I saw the sparklers things or whatever you want to call them." She reaches forward and grabs another towel and wraps it around her head. "I didn't know I was gonna freak out like that, I haven't freaked out like that since I was nine."

"I shouldn't have even put you in that position." I stand up from the back of the toilet and take my towel off. "You know, at first I thought you were screwing with me. I thought you were trying to get me back for telling you I was gonna have to pee on you." I walk over to her and put my hand on her waist. "I'm sorry." I kiss her on her forehead and rub her waist. She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against my chest. Sometimes Jo annoys me whenever all she wants to do is hang on me and cuddle with me and stuff but other times, I love it. Like right now, for example. I love the fact that her forehead is against my chest and her arms are around my waist. It's good to know that she's completely forgiven me. Even though I'm naked, all she wants to go is hug me. "You gotta let me go." I rub her back and put my cheek against the top of her head. Admittedly, I don't want to let her go either but I'm naked and the shower's running. "When I get out the shower we can cuddle...mmkay?" She nods her head but doesn't even put forth an effort to let me go. "Lemme go? You gonna lemme go?" She nods her head but tightens her grip around my waist instead of loosening. I guess she doesn't want to let me go yet. "...Did you have fun today?"

"Mhm." She nods and I feel her lips pucker and kiss my chest.

"...What'd you think of my friend?" I smile in anticipation for her answer. We're alone now so she can let her true feelings about Tony fly.

"He was dickhead." She says that very clearly, as if she wants no kind of misinterpretation on that. She's very serious about the fact that she thinks Tony is dick. "I mean it was nice that he thought that I was like...pretty and stuff but he was kind of gross and creepy. I thought the whole conversation was just weird between you two. And you didn't seem like you liked it..."

"Yeah, well." I clear my throat. "Me and Tony go way back. Last time we saw each other, I was single and so was he and we were just...sleeping with all the girls we could, you know? And we used to talk about girls like that all the time. Old habits die hard, that's all. It wasn't anything serious. But I do admit that the whole conversation was weird for me. I don't...like to think about you like that except when we're having sex. It was weird to hear somebody else talking about you in the way that I think about you."

"You think I could be a model?"

"Hell yeah." I cup her waist and kiss her cheek. "You're gorgeous. I think you could walk into a modeling audition or whatever and book a job right on spot."

"I don't know about all of that, but thanks..." She smiles at me and burrows her head back into my chest. "You have a furry butt." She mumbles into my chest while her hands are pulling the hair on my butt. "I like your butt though...it's a good butt." She finally lets me go and I make a move to get into the shower but she grabs my arm and pulls me back. "Wait a minute..." She raises up on her tiptoes and forces my head to the side with her hand. "I scratched you real bad...I'm sorry." She rubs the scratches she put on my neck. "They don't look too bad..."

"Yeah, they don't hurt." I rub them myself. I forgot they were even there, that's how much they don't hurt. "What about your finger? How's your finger doing?" I pick up her hand and take a look at the finger the jellyfish stung her on. "The swelling's going down... does it feel better?" She nods her head. "Alright, that's good." I kiss her finger. "Go get dressed. We'll hang out when I get out the shower." She nods again, smacks my butt and lets me go.

I step into the shower and pull the curtain back. All in all, today was a good day. A few things could've been better but it really was a good day, I think. I can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow.

**X X X **

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it, though?" Like always, I'm combing my fingers through her hair and staring at her. I never get tired of staring at Jo. That might sound weird but I swear it's true. Every time I stare at her, I find something new I love about her. For some reason, she's messing around with my phone. I don't care if she does because I don't have anything in my phone that needs to be hidden from her but I still think it's strange that she feels the need to play with my phone when her phone is the exact same as mine. She's scrolling through my contacts it seems. "If you're not really okay with it, I mean. We can talk about it if you want. I'll listen." I twist and turn my fingers in the correct directions to weave a french braid into her hair. She doesn't seem to care as she doesn't even budge. "You wanna talk about it?" I ask her again. She yawns and shakes her head while she yawns. "Alright."

"Why do you have so many contacts?" She's scrolling deep into my list now and it's sad because she's not even close to being at the end. "You're not popular enough to have this many freaking contacts." She bends her knee and elevates her leg underneath the covers and holds my phone up over her face so she can keep looking. She moves her back so she's lying flat against the bed. Her head is in my lap and I'm playing with her hair because I can't help myself sometimes. I've noticed that I always need to be touching her in some way. Whether my leg is touching her leg or if my hand is touching her hand, I have to have some kind of contact with her. I just know she's safe as long as I'm touching her. It's a security thing, really. "Let's look at your text messages..."

I shrug my shoulders and take out the braid I put in her hair. "Go ahead, I don't care. Nothing to hide..." I grab three different strands of her hair and start the braid over. I really don't have anything to hide from Jo because I'm obviously faithful to her. But Jo's shown me that she's clearly the jealous type and I _do _have text messages from girls in my phone that I never deleted. I don't know if the texts are going to set her off at all but I'm just hoping that she notices that ever since we started on this trip together, I haven't even texted another girl. Matter of a fact, the girls that I did text, I didn't even save their numbers because they were irrelevant to me. I have bad things in my text messages now that I think about it. But if I panic and try to take my phone off of her, she's going to think that I have something to hide and I really don't have anything to hide, I just don't want her to get mad over things she sees. I stop braiding her hair for a second to see what conversation thread she's in. She's scrolling upwards to the earlier texts between me and this girl that I slept with last month. I don't really remember her name but I do remember that she sent me a couple pictures. I didn't save any of the pictures to my camera roll but I never deleted the texts either.

She scrolls up and eventually gets to one of the pictures. The girl's face isn't in it, just her boobs. Jo's thumbs freeze as soon as she sees it but her eyes don't widen, she doesn't miss a blink either. She just accepts it and scrolls up some more. When she scrolls up, she scrolls up to a second picture. Again, the girl's face isn't in it but her ass is. Jo still doesn't budge at all but she scrolls up one more bubble and the picture of the girl's crotch is right there. "...I'm assuming you had sex with this girl?" She sounds a little bit perturbed but rather calm for herself. I know how loud Jo can be when she's angry and though she sounds annoyed, she's definitely not angry. I just pretend to be really busy with her hair. So busy that I don't even know what she's talking about. She knows me though and she knows that I'm faking it. "...'I had a nice time last night' winking face emoji.'" She starts reading the texts aloud. "'Me too baby. We should do it again sometime' winking emoji. 'Glad you enjoyed yourself.'" She puts my phone down against her chest and looks up at me. "You don't ever call me baby. What's up with that?"

"...I didn't know her name." I stop braiding her hair again and look down in her eyes. I'm getting better with calming Jo down when she gets in her moods. One tactic I use is looking in her eyes. I've noticed that she gets even more annoyed if I don't look at her while she's scolding me. "I didn't know her name and I didn't save her name so 'baby' it was. I don't call anyone 'baby'. I think that's stupid." I shrug my shoulders shoot her a look of desperation, in hopes that she'll see that the girl wasn't important to me. "The sex was horrible anyway. It didn't last long and she was horrible on top."

"If you didn't know her name then you had no business having sex with her, Alex." She narrows her eyes at me and shakes her head just a little. "You blow my mind sometimes. Do you think at all? Before you make decisions that affect your life, do you think at all? You met her at the bar and you had sex with her? How do you know she doesn't have an STD? HIV? You don't know anything about her and you're sleeping with her. Come on...be smarter than that." She rolls her eyes at me and keeps scrolling through my phone. I catch my teeth on the corner of my upper lip and bite it. She's right, I guess. I haven't actually been safe with my sex partners in the past. I always use condoms with the girls I sleep with and Jo's really only the second girl I've ever had raw sex with, but condoms don't protect against every STD out there. Jo's right. I never really thought about all the STDs I could get from sleeping with the random girls I sleep with before. "How many partners do you have?" She puts my phone down on her stomach again and looks back up at my face. I scratch the underside of my chin and refuse to look her in her eye. She doesn't want to know this. "I think I have the right to know, don't I? I'm having unprotected sex with you so basically all the girls you've had sex with, I'm having sex with too. I have a right to know."

"How many do you have?" I deflect the question not because I don't think that she has the right to know and not because I'm looking for a lie to tell her. I deflect the question because I don't know how many girls I've been with. I'm trying to think so I can give her a accurate ballpark estimation.

"I'm asking the questions." She talks to me through clenched teeth and glares at me. "But if you must know, three. You, the guy I lost my virginity to and my ex-boyfriend. Now how many do you have?"

"...I don't know." I say, being 110% honest with her. "More than fifteen but less than twenty five...I don't know for sure."

"ALEX!" She pops up from lying on my lap and looks at me with surprise and shock all over her face. "Alex, noooo...No, baby. No." She's shaking her head but it's not in the "I'm ashamed of you" kind of way but in the "You can't be serious" kind of way. "You have to be WAY more careful than that... please tell me you're joking." I scratch the back of my head and remain quiet. "Alex..." I can hear the disappointment in her voice. "It's gonna fall off. There isn't enough sex in this world for you to be thirty years old with twenty-something sex partners. I can't believe you..."

"You can't really get mad at me." I mumble. "Everything I did was way before we were even together and technically, it's not really your business..."

"It is my business! I don't want to... Every time I lie down and have sex with you, I have to worry if I'm going to catch something now! That's my business!" She raises her voice at me and I'm really not surprised that she does because Jo gets loud when she's mad. "First of all, I love you. I love you to death, Alex...you're my boyfriend. So don't make me feel like I'm in the wrong for worrying about you. And second of all, I'm your girlfriend now so everything you do is my business. It's especially my business if you had sex with that many people because now you're throwing me into your group of whores, don't you get it? I just became part of your brigade. I'm part of your sex partners now and yeah, that's my business." She rolls her eyes and her tone sure is calming. "And I'm sorry, maybe I am a little bit...jealous at times and yeah, I'm possessive. But you're gonna have to deal with it to be honest. You're just gonna have to deal with my jealousy and me being possessive. Sorry, but when you became my boyfriend, you became MINE. Do you get that?" I feel like I'm being chewed out by my mother. I just make sure I'm making eye contact with her the whole time. "You're mine now. Which means everything you have is mine too. You're mine, your body is mine...everything is mine. And yeah, I'm gonna go through your phone from time to time. Get used to it because it's not changing unless we break up."

"Then the same goes for me." I cut her off before she can go off on a tangent again. "Same for me then. You're mine too then. You're mine and so is your body. And if I just pick up your phone randomly, you can't say anything about it. If I grab your ass at random times you can't get mad because it's actually _my _ass. If I want to kiss you, you have to kiss me because your lips are mine. And you can't get mad at me over things that I did before I even met you because your emotions are my emotions. So if I belong to you then you belong to me too. This isn't a one way street, Josephine."

"I don't care." She shrugs her shoulders. "I'm faithful as hell, I don't have anything to hide. You can go through my phone right now if you want. I'm not hiding anything from you and I don't expect you to hide anything from me either." She lies back down on my lap and I go right back to playing with her hair. "I know you have a past, Alex. I know you do and I knew that before I even fell for you. I knew you were an ass and when you admitted to me that you don't respect women enough to even take them to your house or get them a proper bed to have sex in, I knew you were an even bigger ass. I knew all of this so I'm not mad at you for it. I just wish you'd be more cautious with your health. Your health isn't a joke to me, it's real life stuff. That's all I want is for you to be more cautious when you do things that could get you into trouble, like having sex with random girls and offering for cops to lock you up voluntarily, all because you didn't want to disturb me. You scare the hell out of me, baby. You're supposed to be making me feel comfortable enough to know that when I leave you in a few weeks, you're going to take care of yourself. I'm worried about you." She starts pressing on my fingertips the way I like her to. "I want you to be alright without me and I don't think you are going to be. You don't think when you do things and you need to hurry up and get your act together before I leave because I'm going to have my own problems to worry about once I go to Massachusetts. I don't need to be over there worrying about you too."

"Jo, I'll be fine." I put my hands on her cheeks and hold her head still. "I will be fine, I promise you I'll be fine. You're right...you don't need to be over there worrying about me. Worry about yourself and I'll worry about mine. I'll be fine. I'm not going to do anything stupid and I obviously won't let myself starve. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. I'll be fine on my own. Please stop worrying about me."

"...But I am worried, that's just it. You can tell me not to worry all you want but I'm still going to worry. I'm going to worry and that's all I'm going to do."

"You shouldn't though." I reach over and turn off the lamp on my nightstand. "You worry too much." She sits up from my lap again and lies down in her spot. I lie down next to her and I'm not surprised when she lies down on my chest. The only way Jo sleeps is when she's lying on my chest. She's going to be worried about me? Hell, I should be the one worrying in this situation, I believe. Jo's become rather dependent upon me. Don't get me wrong; we both depend on each other. I depend on her to get me through the day, I depend on her to talk sense into me and I depend on her for my happiness. But Jo depends on me for so much. She can't sleep unless I'm holding her and she hears my heartbeat. She can't even get sleepy without me rubbing her back. She depends on me to go to sleep at night. And not to mention, she's really unstable. I'm not saying she's crazy because I don't for one second think that she is. She's not crazy by any means but she's unstable. We don't talk about it a lot because I know how hard it is for her to talk about that but it's always in the back of my mind. I'm always thinking about the "what ifs". Like what if she gets as depressed as she used to be again? What if she tries and succeeds in committing suicide again? What if she can't sleep at night? What if she's so depressed that she can't go to class? If anything, I should be the one worrying. She shouldn't worry about me. I'm the one that's going to be fine.

She wraps her arms around my waist and puts her head on my chest like she does every night. I start the nightly ritual of slipping my hands up underneath her shirt and stroking her back. It's kind of like I put her to sleep every night. She won't fall asleep if I don't help her fall asleep and we've actually established an unspoken routine. She puts her arms around my waist and puts her head on the left side of my chest so she can hear my heartbeat and I put my hands up her shirt and rub her back. She's usually asleep within minutes. How's she going to sleep if I don't put her to sleep every night? I brush my fingertips along the soft skin on her back and listen for her to start moaning. I always know that she's asleep when she's moaning. Jo doesn't snore and she doesn't breathe hard while she sleeps. Instead, when she exhales, she moans. It's a soft moan that you can hardly hear unless you're really listening to it but it's a moan nonetheless and I like it because it's a nice alternative to snoring at any rate.

Sometime this week, I'm gonna go online and look around to see if I can find a nice apartment close to Harvard's medical school for Jo. I sort of already know how I'm going to go about sending her to Massachusetts. I already know that Jo's going to want to work while she's in school and I'm fine with that. She likes to live as normally as possible and I respect that much. So the plan is to look online and find her an apartment that's nice but not too expensive for her to maintain once she starts working. I don't want her to have to struggle while she's out there so I think I might go open her up a checking account so I can wire her money. I'm going to start her off with $10,000 in her account. I'd give her more but I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to compromise her normalcy. Ten thousand bucks is a lot of money to her but it's not a lot to me. I know Jo will make ten grand last her a while and if she ever needs more, I got her. I think she knows that she can ask me for money if she ever really needs it. So I'm gonna find her an apartment, give her some money so she can be comfortable until she gets on her feet. I'm not looking forward to putting her on the plane but I know it has to happen.

She's moaning now so I know that she's asleep, which means that I can try and catch some sleep too. I lean my face down and kiss her on her lips. Her mouth is open like it always is which means I'm going to wake up with a drool spot on my shoulder but I don't mind. After I kiss her, her mouth twitches a little but she remains asleep. "Night..." I probably won't go straight to sleep. I'll probably stay up for a little bit because about 90% of the time, Jo starts having a bad dream less than half an hour within her falling asleep. She never remembers me having to calm her down in the mornings and for that reason, I don't ever mention them. I just hold her tight and tell her that I'm here until she calms down. After I calm her down, she sleeps through the night.

**Jo's Point of View.**

"_You wanna blow out your candles?" Mommy puts a cake down on the table in front of me and I don't wanna be here no more. I've been around hot stuff before and even though it's not a lot of hot stuff, it's still hot stuff and I don't like it. I don't like hot stuff. "Here Jojo." She pushes the cake towards me and I scoot my chair away. We can have birthday cake with no birthday candles, I know we can. No birthday candles... no. "Here, Jo. Make a wish and blow out your candles." Daddy has the recording camera out so I don't want to cry but I don't feel like I can hold it anymore. "What's the matter, Jo?" My lip slides out from underneath my top lip and the tears start to fall. "Turn the camera off, Bill. Turn it off." She waves her hands at him and kneels down next to me. "Jo...what's the matter, baby? What's wrong?" She puts her hands on my kneecaps and rubs me. "What's the matter?"_

"_I don't want birthday candles...no candles." I push my chair away from the table so I'm far away from the hot stuff. "Can we take the candles out?" I feel like I'm really bothering them and that's not a good feeling. This is only my first birthday with them and they were nice enough to buy me a cake and ice cream and birthday presents. I've never had cake and ice cream and presents before. I'm happy, I really am happy that they did this for me. But I really don't want the hot stuff in my cake. It's not a big deal for them to take it out, is it? "I don't like them."_

"_Are you afraid of them, honey?" She puts her hand on my back and rubs it. I nod my head and put it down. I think being scared of hot things is silly. Most people are scared of spiders and heights and rational things like that. But me? I'm scared of hot things. That's silly. I poke my lip out and look down at the pretty pink watch that Daddy let me open up before we had cake and ice cream. It's a pretty watch. I've always been scared of hot stuff though. Ever since my old foster mom snuffed out her cigarette on my hand, I knew I didn't like that stuff. And I almost burned to death in the basement 'cause I was cold. Me and hot stuff just don't get along. "That's fine. It's still a birthday without birthday candles." Mommy leans across the table and blows out the flames on the candle. "Everyone has something they're afraid of, sweetie." She puts her lips to my head and gives me a hug. "It's okay to be afraid."_

"_I didn't...sweep up the floor good enough." I don't want mommy and daddy to think I'm weird for being scared of hot stuff. I promise I have a good reason to be scared of it. I'll tell them all about it. "And my old...old mommy..." I lift up the sleeve on my pretty purple ballerina shirt and point at the tiny pink scar that's shaped like a circle on my wrist. "She burned me...cause I didn't sweep up the floor right. With her cigarette." Mommy gasps and holds my hand while daddy touches my circle scar. "I don't like it. No birthday candles, please..."_

"_Alright. No birthday candles." Daddy rubs my hair and plucks the candles out of my birthday cake._

"Night..." I feel his lips touch mine as his voice interrupts my dream. I move my lips just slightly and fall back into a deeper sleep.

"_You've got some major hat hair going on here, buddy." I hold him close to my chest and lean forward to grab his brush from his yellow and green bag. We're only in Kansas for four days visiting Helen, Donald and Amber and of all the four days it could've rained this spring, it's choosing to rain the four days we're here. The springtime is winding to a close and since it didn't rain much in California this spring, I was expecting it to be dry coming to Kansas as well. It's not dry, for the record. It's raining it's ass off outside and we're all stuck on the porch listening to the rain beat off the roof instead of being out on the patio or in the pool. Me and Alex seem to be the only two bummed out about the weather. I think Helen, Amber and Donald are all too excited over meeting the little man to care about the weather. "You don't want grammaw to hold you with hat hair, do ya?" I use the soft-toothed brush to brush his hair forward. He doesn't have much hair on his little head but he has enough so that it stuck up when I took his hat off a couple minutes ago._

_I stare down at him while I'm brushing his hair and feel myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him by the second. He's been here, in my arms for two weeks already and I'm still so amazed that he exists. He has soft, silky, matted dark brown hair. Like I said, there's not a lot of hair but there's enough there to warrant a hairbrush. He's sleeping of course. All he does so far is sleep. His chin is against one of my very swollen, engorged, milk-filled boobs and like his dad, he's sleeping with somewhat of a smirk on his face. He has a pug little nose just like his dad and a round little chin just like me. His cheeks are newly flushed with color and his head is shaped just like Alex's head. He just got his color a few days ago. He was looking pretty pale there for a while. He has a golden skin complexion now. The wind blows and my hair flies all over the place but instead of fixing myself, I lean forward again and grab a thin receiving blanket. I dressed him comfortably today in white thermals, a blue and white striped onesie and a pair of blue pants. He has socks on his feet too. But it's a little chilly out here so I tuck the blanket around his body and make sure he's warm. Once I'm sure he's comfortable, I fix my own hair. "You want me to make you a plate?" Alex looks up from stuffing his face full of pasta salad and still chewing, he offers. Helen was determined that even though the weather was crappy, we were still having our cookout and so we're having a cookout. It's a really gorgeous day outside, despite the rain. It's really warm outside with a slight breeze. "Before everybody else comes out here and bombards the food?"_

"_I'll make my own plate." I gently sway back and forth with my arms securely around the most precious thing I've ever had my hands on. The swaying thing is so natural to me that I don't even realize I'm doing it sometimes. I've only been a mommy for two weeks now and everything is so natural to me. I was scared to have him at first because I thought for sure that I was going to screw a bunch of things up but once I held him for the first time, it's like everything made sense in the world I just knew what I had to do to make him happy. "I'm gonna eat and then feed Alex...he's probably hungry." I look up and familiarize myself with the locations of the food. "Take him." I lean towards Alex and loosen the grip around the baby so he can take him._

_Alex quickly chews up the last mouthful of food, swallows and stands up to grab him off of me. He puts his hands underneath his armpits and lifts him from my arms with gentle force. "Aaalright." He says in a tone just above a whisper. "Come here, buddy." He brings Alex's face to his and kisses him right on his lips. Like it's nothing to him, he sits down in the chair he just got up from, cradles the baby and continues eating his food—slower this time, though. I get up from my chair and spread the blanket over little Alex's entire body to make sure he's warm, and tuck it underneath big Alex's legs to make sure it stays. I grab a paper plate off the serving table and open up a hot dog bun so I can get myself a hot dog. Finally, the sliding glass door opens up and out comes Amber, Helen and Donald with more charcoal for the grill. Donald's been home grilling for the 45 minutes so he already met little guy. Helen was gone when we got here because she had to go grab Amber from the bus station, so right now would be her first time meeting the little man. _

_Amber squeals and goes directly over to the Alexs. "AWWWWW! LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE! I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG!"_

"_Lower your tone or shut your mouth, Amber." Alex snaps at her, adjusting the blanket over Alex's little legs. "He's sleeping...you can't come over here, expecting me to give him to you when you're loud as you are." Amber rubs her hands together in anticipation and preps her arms for him. Alex puts him in her arms so gently that I'm surprised by his care. "Watch his head...and keep this blanket over him, so he doesn't get cold."_

"_Hi baby man." Amber puts her lips to his forehead and bounces him up and down softly but it's rather jerky. She's not hurting him or anything, it's just not as natural and as flowy as it is when I do it. Amber just doesn't have the mommy touch. "Aww, little man..." She puts her finger in his hand and squeals when he squeezes it._

"_Amber!" Alex snaps again. "If you wake my son up, me and you are going to fight. Fist fight, too. And I don't think mom would care."_

"_Don't worry, Amb." I nudge her with my elbow and sit down. "That boy is just like his father, he could sleep through a freight train."_

"_He's just so cute. Isn't he cute, mom?" She turns towards Helen._

"_Sure is." Helen just walks right over and steals him straight out of Amber's arms. "Hey little Alex..." She pats him on his butt and her touches are so much more natural than Amber's. She has the mother's touch still. "God, he's beautiful. He's beautiful, Jo." _

"_Thanks...I know, isn't he?" I pick up my hot dog and take a bite of it._

"_How are you feeling?" She's making sure the blanket is covering baby Alex. _

"_I'm okay, actually. My boobs hurt a little bit and I'm kind of missing him kicking me but other than that, I'm great. I'm not as sore as I thought I was going to be. Still tired but...you know." I lick my lips. _

"_How's he sleep?" She's staring at my baby and I can see the love in her eyes. I can't blame her. To see my baby is to fall in love with him. He's just so incredibly perfect. You can't help but love him. He sure stole my heart with little effort. "Couple hours a night?"_

"_He actually sleeps through the night, pretty much. Me and Alex will put him down at 12 midnight and he'll sleep until 7-7:30. He's a good sleeper. Sometimes he'll wake us up though, but only if he's hungry, never if he's wet." I put my hot dog back down. "He absolutely adores Alex. He loves sleeping on his bare chest. He'll fall asleep so quickly on Alex's bare chest. I actually caught the two of them sleeping together the other night. Alex's mouth was gaped open and so was little Alex's. They sleep just alike."_

"_Awww..." She starts rubbing his hair. "He's precious."_

"_I know."_

* * *

**A/N:** So, next chapter is somewhat of a time jump. It's not one of the major time jumps I have planned for the story but it's a little one, nonetheless. This was the last chapter of fluff. Next chapter is really getting down to business so I can progress this story.

Also, if you are one of the people that mentioned that you would like to read a Justin/Camilla fanfic, I have you know that somebody requested me to do a prompt with the two of them on my tumblr as a oneshot. I wrote the oneshot and it's on my tumblr, if you would like to check it out. Let me know what you think of it, if you like it. I refuse to post it on here though...I just want to keep it respectful to the actors' privacy, if you know what I mean. But yeah...if you're interested, I wrote one. My tumblr is flawlesspeasant . tumblr . c o m.


	44. Remember

For today being the day that it is, I'm actually pretty calm. For the first time in the last two and a half months, time seems to be going in slow motion. Everything seems like it's on a lapse, as if one minute is actually equal to a year's time. I'd probably be able to enjoy the fact that time is passing by slowly if I really felt like everything was actually happening to me. I feel as though the things that are happening today aren't exactly happening to me. It's like I'm watching it play on a movie reel in the back of my head and every time I blink my eyes, the movie is pausing. Only, it's not a movie and today is really the day. Bringing myself back down to reality, I relax my hands against the steering wheel and try to think of a possible detour I can take to make this ride longer. I don't think it matters which exit I take or whatever wraparound way I try to take; the ride is still going to be twenty minutes because even if I drive so slow that I make a snail look like a cheetah, I can't possibly make a twenty minute ride any longer than an hour and let me just say, an hour isn't long enough by any means.

Once I officially accept the fact that I'm virtually defeated in all of this, I grip the steering wheel and keep my eyes locked forward on the road. Maybe I misspoke earlier when I said that I'm calm. Calm is definitely an overstatement. What I will say is that for today being the day that it is, I'm not as strung up about it as I thought I would be. For the last two and a half; nearly three months, I've been picturing this day. I've been thinking about all the things I would say and all the things I would do and I had it all planned out. Every emotion I'd feel, every word I'd say, every comforting notion I had planned down to a tee. I thought I was well prepared for the day until I woke up this morning and remembered what day today is. I see the yellow and green sign that tells me that we're three miles away from our destination and when I feel my throat start to close up, I turn my head to the side and look at her.

In all the time we've spent together, I've really gotten good at reading her. I know what all her little looks, eyebrow furrows, eye rolls, squints, head shakes, head nods, lip bites mean. I know what she's thinking when she has a blank look on her face, I know what it means when her arms cross while she's talking to somebody and I know that when she starts getting silent is when she's about to explode. She's become a book to me, I read her like the words are written on her forehead in black ink. I look at her and I'm calmer than I was a second ago. I've been looking at her everyday for the last few months so I never really noticed any changes in her before because to me, it all seemed normal. But now as I look at her closer, she really is different than she was when I took her at her worst. The silky brown hair that I spent countless nights tangling my fingers in is shorter, though not by much. It rests comfortably on her breasts and doesn't go any further than that. To offset the darkness of it, I took her to get light blonde highlights. That was towards the beginning of last month though, and Jo's hair grows like a weed so the highlights are starting to leak out to the bottom but it still looks pretty. She's clearly bigger than she was back then too. She was fragile and sort of weak when I first met her. I could just tell that she didn't eat as often as she needed to. She's thicker now but still tiny enough to fit her entire body in the passenger's seat of my car. Her hair can change and her weight can fluctuate but one thing that hasn't changed about her is the fact that she's without a doubt, still the most beautiful woman I've laid my eyes on.

She brings her hand up and rubs the tip of her nose as if it's itching her then puts her hand back down in the middle of her lap and continues to look forward. Her eyes are low and her mouth is pressed downward into a straight line. I know that look and that look means that she doesn't have anything to say. I've also learned how she deals with certain situations and I know that when she's mad, her arms will fold across her chest and she'll be very quiet. But she's also quiet when she's upset as well. The difference between anger and sadness is the location of her hands. When she's sad, her hands will be on her lap. She's upset and she doesn't have anything to say. I don't really blame her for being speechless though. I mean, what _can _you say in a situation like this? What do you say when we're about to do what we're about to do? How do you make this okay? Better yet, how do you make casual conversation out of it? You don't. You don't, and that's why I don't blame her for being speechless because I don't have anything to say myself. Nothing either one of us say can make this situation any better.

I do wish I could ask her a question though. I wish I could ask her a couple questions, actually. But the silence in this car is already quite loud and if I ask her a question, who knows if I'll get an answer. I just wonder if she remembers a couple things. _Like the time I stepped on her thong when I went to her apartment. _I wanted to bang her so bad back then...never thought I'd actually get the opportunity to do it, plus be in a relationship with her. _I wonder if she remembers the first night we stayed together in a hotel. She got mad at me for telling her I wasn't taking her to Massachusetts and she tried to run off on foot. _

"_Where in the hell are you going?" I ask her. She gathers up her garbage back and her teddy bear and starts walking off in the direction that's away from me. "Jo, I said where are you going?" She ignores me and keeps walking. "HEY JO!" It's like she won't respond to her name. "IT'S FOUR THIRTY IN THE MORNING!" _I smirk to myself at the memory. How far did she think she was getting on foot?

_What about the time where we had breakfast at iHop? _

_"Oh… um…" She grabs the menu from the spot on the table we pushed them aside to and starts trying to get the menu open. I just took her by surprise by telling the waitress that she wants something all of a sudden, so she's flustered. She gathers herself and starts looking through the menu. "I just want…" She's flipping through the menu too fast to even be properly looking. "Can I have the chocolate chip pancakes, please? With a glass of iced tea?" She looks across the table at me for approval. The waitress scribbles down her order on the notepad. Politely, Jo picks up the menu and gathers up all my garbage from the food I just ate and hands it all to the waitress. "Thank you." The waitress hurries away and leaves me and Jo alone again._

_"What's all that about?" I ask her. "Handing the waitress everything. What's that about?"_

_"It's called being a nice person, haven't you ever heard of it?" _I look over at her again with a smile that fades quickly when I see the sign from the corner of my eye that says that we're only two miles away now.

_Or when I tried to kiss her for the first time and she rejected me? _

_Her eyebrows are wrinkled and she looks really confused. "…What are you doing?" She asks me._

_"I'm kissing you…"_

_"…Don't." She shakes her head at me and puts her hand against the door. "Don't kiss me." She keeps shaking her head and opens her door. "I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry." She goes right inside her room._

_"Jo." I attempt to stop her. "Jo, don't do this…" She shuts her door in my face._

_Remember when she got mad at me for "flirting" with Amber's friends when I was just trying to be friendly? And I threw her in the pool and touched her ass and kissed her on her cheek. And that night, we touched each other for the first time. It didn't end well but it happened and that was the first time we ever touched each other in that way. _I sigh and put on my turn signal to make the turn that'll take us straight to our destination.

_Or when she came in the bathroom while I was pissing and demanded to talk to me. _

_I stop mid-piss and look over and of course, SHE'S standing there. "Okay come on…this is crossing so many boundaries." I turn my back to face her just a little bit, while I'm still holding my junk. "Can you get out?!"_

_Her arms are folded across her chest and she's looking at my face, not my junk. "No. I won't get out. I'm not leaving." She's standing next to the door. She closes the door behind herself and just stands there. "You can continue." She nods her head._

_"Uh…"_

_"Then you'll just have to pee." She stands with her back against the door and keeps looking at me with an evil little look on her face. "This is the only place you can't walk out on me, so I'm not leaving. You're trapped. I'm not leaving and I'm not letting you leave."_

That was also the first night she ever slept in my arms like that, these days it's just a natural routine for her to lie in my arms and sleep on my chest crazy how much we evolved. Crazy how I kinda love waking up with drool spots on my chest from her. I have so many fond memories with Jo...memories that are burned in the back of my mind that I can't get rid of, even if I tried. Some days I wish I could erase my memory. Those days, I swear forgetting her would be a hell of a lot easier than what I'm about to do. Those are the same days I wish I had let her burn in the building. I don't regret a single minute of going in the building to get her. I don't regret any decision I've made to bring us together by any means. But when I think about how much this is about to suck, I just believe that forgetting her would be much, much, much easier than dealing with all of this. Wishing I had never met her is just a good way of taking my mind off the fact that I love her. Everything is a coping mechanism and even thinking about the fact that I have to develop coping mechanisms warps my mind into thinking that it's her fault, since she's the reason I actually have something to cope with.

I turn into the parking lot and feel my heart sink down to the pit of my stomach when I see the three white letters that were destined to ruin my life sooner or later. I'm not being dramatic when I say "ruin my life" either. The truth of the matter is that my life is exactly ruined. In a sense, it'll never be completely worth anything anymore. Nothing will ever be the same after all of this. I close my eyes for a brief moment, too long to count as a blink but too short to be counted as actually shutting your eyes. I thought if I closed my eyes then maybe the three letters will go away but nope. When I open them, the letters are still there...plain as day, huge and white with a bright glare coming from the shining sun, clearly reading "LAX." _Los Angeles International Airport. Great. _I unbuckle my seat belt and turn to her. "Ready?" The first word I speak to her since we left the house is, "ready?" Really? She's sitting in the passenger's seat with her feet flat on the floor, her hands on the sides of the chair and her face expressionless. She's stiff as a board and unresponsive. I'm dealing with this in my own way and please believe me, I wish this didn't have to happen. But I swallow my pride and pull myself together so I can be strong for her. "Jo, come on." I reach across the way and touch her arm, expecting it to be freezing cold. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she's dead. But the warmth of her skin against my fingertips lets me know that of course, she's not. "Come on.. We're here."

She just keeps looking forward and the look on her face hops from expressionless to a look of desperation. Her eyes are glistening with tears and her chest is stuttering with hard breaths. I can already tell that she's not going to get up and move herself so I open up my door and step out. Aside from the little bit of clouds in the sky, it's a beautiful California day today. The sun is shining, there's a slight breeze and it's humid, as usual. I shut my door behind myself and walk around the front of the car to her side. I open up her door and finally, she turns her head to the side to look at me. It's like watching a mannequin move for the first time...surprising and unnatural, almost. I hold my hand out to help her. She slips her hand inside mine and climbs out of the car. I pull her up and hold her hand until I feel like she's okay enough to support her own weight. She shakes her head as if she's shaking something out of her mind. "Yeah, I'm ready." She sounds confident. "Do you remember what terminal I'm supposed to be in? I can't remember." She opens up the back door and pulls one of her bags from the backseat. "I think it's one...it's either one or two." She puts the first bag on her shoulder and grabs another one. I grab the two heavier ones so she doesn't have to.

She seems lighthearted which in turn, makes me feel the same way. I honestly think that the two of us are okay with it right now. We both know that she has to get on that plane in a few minutes and that we're going to be okay without each other. We spent hours last night talking about this...in between rounds of sex. We've actually been preparing for this moment for months now and it's really coming natural. We both understand that this isn't going to be the end of the world and we both know that we're going to be fine. We broke up last night and we're okay. We're going to be fine. We both just knew that breaking up was the sensible thing to do. It's not like we're breaking up and leaving all the feelings behind because that's not what this break up is. She's still sort of my girlfriend but we're not together. We both agreed last night that we don't need to be together in a long distance relationship. Not because we don't think we can do it but because we don't want the pressure.

We're still under the agreement that neither one of us will swear off dating just because we're waiting to be together in the end. If a nice girl comes along out here, I'm going to tell Jo about her and that'll be the end of it. If she meets a nice guy in Massachusetts, she'll tell me about it and I'll be fine as long as she's happy with him. We're not going to turn down dates because we have significant others across the country. Since we have that agreement, we mutually decided that if we broke up, the pressure would be off and there would be no guilt in accepting a date offer. Imagine if we didn't break up. I'd feel totally guilty flirting with someone else and Jo would too. So we broke up. And we're both fine with the breakup. I think we've really come to terms with the fact that she's leaving. She doesn't cry about it anymore and I don't even get choked up about it anymore either. We both just have separate lives to live. But the love won't go away and we WILL remain good friends. After all, you can't give up your entire life because you fell for someone you went on a road trip with, can you?

"You're supposed to be in terminal two." I hold the door open for her and she walks right inside and starts looking around. I walk inside too and see what she's seeing. The last time I was in LAX was years ago and it's been remodeled since then. It's still freakishly nice though, so I'm not surprised. I look towards the ceiling for directory notes and when I see the sign that points to terminals 1-4, I motion with my head for her to follow me since my hands are full with her bags. "This way." I start dragging the luggage that has wheels towards the terminals and she's following right next to me. "It's kinda empty today...this isn't normal. It's usually way more crowded than this." There are about a hundred people around us waiting for their flights to board but it's usually way more crowded than this at LAX. Celebrities are always boarding and getting off planes in this airport so there are usually fans waiting, paparazzi waiting and all that stuff. This airport is just a busy airport and today, it's not busy at all.

"Looks pretty crowded to me." It doesn't surprise me that she would think the airport is crowded when it's really not. She's never seen it on it's usual day before and I have. This is nothing compared to how busy it could be. I eye the check-in center and walk towards it. She walks a little faster to keep up with me. I walk her over to the check-in counter since I know she wouldn't know how to do this herself. She's never flown in a plane before today. I don't think she'll know how to check herself in and her bags so I'll do it for her. I walk right up to the counter and she waits behind me.

"Josephine Wilson." I put my hands against the counter and let my arms rest from dragging her luggage. "Flight 243...from Los Angeles to Boston." I reach down in my pocket and grab her passport, her ID and the ticket I printed out online. I knew she wouldn't know what to do once she got here so I just kept all her necessary things in my pocket from when we packed her carry-on bag this morning. I slide all her information underneath the slit in the window that blocks the agent from me. The agent's a goofy looking dude. He looks like he works with computers on a much more personal level than checking people in for flights. "She has four bags and one carry-on." I nudge the big luggage towards the baggage handler wearing an orange shirt. He starts taking the bags that Jo's carrying off of her and I turn back around to the check-in agent.

"Josephine Wilson, flight 243 from Los Angeles, California to Boston, Massachusetts..." He repeats back what I said and looks into her passport. He matches the picture on her passport to the picture on her driver's license, looks behind me at Jo and nods as he slides the papers back to me. I fold them up and keep them in my hand since I'm going to have to give them back to her eventually. "You'll be flying with Delta Airlines today, your flight number is 243...you'll be in terminal number two, gate number six." He leans forward so he can see Jo. I think he catches the drift that she doesn't know what she's doing. "You're gonna go down this hallway right here and make a left at the ladies' room. You'll see a sign that says 'Gates 1-10'. Find gate number six. Your flight takes off in approximately 45 minutes so you'll want to get through security rather quickly and they'll direct you where to go from there."

Jo nods her head and I grab her bags again. I knew we were a little late getting here. Last night, I had originally planned on getting her here at least an hour before her flight boarded because I know that airport security is a total bitch to deal with but she got in the shower this morning and I got in with her and a twenty minute shower turned into a two hour sex session. We skipped breakfast in order to get here in time, so I hope she grabs something to eat on the plane. "Thanks...I would've been totally lost if I had to do that myself." We both start walking down the hallway the guy told us to walk down. I'm still really surprised with myself right now. I'm just alright with this whole thing. She's leaving and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not like she's dying...she's just going to a different state. We'll still talk. She'll only be three hours behind me which means when it's 8:00 her time, it'll be 5:00 my time and that's reasonable. I'm fine with her leaving...I've had enough time to come to terms with it. We make the left by the ladies' room like the guy told us to and she finds the gate number herself. "There's number six...straight ahead." She points at it and starts walking towards it.

"Yeah, there it is..." I take her carry-on bag off my shoulder and hand it to her. "Here..." She won't take it off of me. She looks really confused and since I've gotten to know her so well, I know exactly what she's thinking. "I can't go through security with you, Jo. I can't go any further...this is it for me. You've gotta go it alone from here on out...you'll be fine." I attempt to hand her the bag again. "You go to the metal detectors and stuff, okay? Put your carry-on up on the counter so they can check it. Take off your shoes and empty your pockets then just walk through the machine. You'll walk out the door and they'll take your ticket and tell you where you're sitting and stuff. It's gonna be okay." She seems scared. "You can do it by yourself." She nods her head and takes her bag. "...Bye. Call me tonight, okay?" I give her a hug and she lazily gives me one too. Even though we just had sex this morning, I do believe that kissing her is inappropriate considering that we're not together right now. She lets me go, nods again and lifelessly turns around and walks towards the security. She stands in line behind everyone and doesn't look back.

I watch her for a couple moments to make sure she's okay and when she doesn't even look back, I smile to myself. I'm so glad she's okay. We're going to be okay without each other. We've been working on being more independent from each other. I've been teaching her to fall asleep on her own by buying her a body-pillow that she can cuddle with. She taught me how to wash clothes and cook a couple things like hamburgers and french fries. We're gonna be okay. I'm confident that this will all work out. It's all in God's plan, right? It's fate...isn't it? If we were meant to be together fate or God would've made a way for it to happen. I turn my back and start walking towards the exit of the airport in the direction we came from. If we never see each other again after today, that's fine. Jo's forever in my memory. I'll never forget her and I swear, I'll never stop loving her. Maybe over time, the love will get weaker and weaker but it'll always be there. I'll never forget her and all the things she taught me. She taught me how to make sure clothes don't get moldy, how to go make a person listen to you, how to wipe a little girl to prevent infection, how to separate clothes before you wash them, how to grocery shop the right way and how to cook a few things. Jo's taught me a whole lot in such a short amount of time but really...it sounds cheesy, but the most important thing she taught me was how to love again. I gave up on love after Lucy. I gave up on love, kids, marriage and being happy after Lucy. But Jo taught me that I can love another woman and I can have kids someday and I can get married. Jo taught me how to love again and I'll be forever grateful to her for that.

I put my hands in my pockets as I walk away and touch something smooth and papery. _I gave her all her information back, didn't I? _I grab it with my fingers and pull it out of my pocket. _Oh...why was I carrying this around? _It's folded up but I know exactly what it is and I can't remember for the life of me why I'm carrying it around. _Probably because I haven't worn these jeans since that night and she yelled at me when I tried to put them in the dirty clothes hamper because she said that jeans worn once aren't always dirty. _I stop walking in the middle of the airport and unfold the paper. It's exactly what I thought it was. It's a photo strip. We took it in the photobooth when we went to the amusement park. The top picture is of her making a duck face and guns with her hands. She's pretending like she's shooting me and I'm just laughing. The middle picture is of me kissing her cheek and her smile is so gorgeous. The last picture is ruined a bit because the camera caught us mid-laugh. I'll never forget the memory that goes along with these pictures because if this doesn't work out, eventually, that's what she'll become. She'll be nothing but a picture and a component of my memory. So to keep her alive, I'll just remember everything about the day...our first date in that picture. Our first date...wow.

I put the picture back in my pocket and start walking again. I'll miss her so much, I won't deny that. I'll miss running my fingers through her silky hair. I'll miss kissing her soft lips. I'll miss waking up with drool spots on my chest and cleaning out my shower drain after she washes her hair. I'll miss laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. I'll miss having to rub her back to calm her down and I'll miss her playing with my fingertips. Hell, I'll even miss her bitching at me about spending insane amounts of money. I'll miss everything about her. But she's going off to better herself and... "ALEX!" I hear someone scream my name from behind me. I turn around fast and see her barreling towards me with her ponytail flinging all over the place. "Alex! Alex!" She makes it to me but instead of letting up with the running, she keeps going so I put my arms out to stop her. She just jumps right into them. She throws her arms around my neck and squeezes.

"Jo, what are you doing? Your plane..." I hold her around her waist so she doesn't fall. She's squeezing my neck and choking the life out of me. Her face is burrowed in my neck and my neck is wet so I know that she's crying. "...Jo. You have to get on your plane, okay? You have to."

"Don't go..." She cries in my ear and sniffs. Her arms are trembling. I haven't seen her this upset since last month when she got too close to the fireworks at the fourth of July celebration. "I...I don't want to do this anymore." Her hands are tangled in the hair in the back of my head and she's rubbing my head. "I don't want to..." She's bawling her eyes out. "It hurts too bad...I can't leave you...It hurts, it hurts..."

"What hurts?" I rub her back to calm her down. I haven't calmed her down in the last two weeks because we were trying to get her to be independent but she really needs me to calm her down right now. She's too upset to calm herself down. She's blubbering like a baby in my ear and I can't even tell if she's breathing or not. "Jo, what hurts?"

"My heart..." She's holding me so tight that I can let her go and she still won't fall off of me. "It hurts...don't make me go..I don't want to go..." She shakes her head and keeps rubbing my head. "I thought I could...but I can't." She sniffs again. "I can't do this...I love you. I can't..."

"Yes you can." I lower her body down to the ground and she actually lets me go. I didn't think she would let me go but she did. "You can do this, Jo. I know you can." I wipe her tears with my thumbs and cradle her face in my hands. Her cheeks are bright red, her eyes are puffy and she looks a mess. "You can do this...we talked about this. Your flight takes off at 12:00. You'll be in Boston by 4:30-5:00. The keys to your apartment are waiting at the front desk of the complex. You'll call me when you get there. We'll talk every night at 8:30 your time. Right when I get off work, you'll call me and we'll talk. We'll text all day. You'll be fine...I know you will be." I wipe the tears that just fell from her eyes. "You can do this...Jo, we'll be fine. Me and you...we'll be okay. We'll make it."

"No..." She completely bypasses the fact that I'm holding her face and wraps her arms around me in a hug while she burrows her face in my chest. "No, Alex..."

"Jo..." I sigh. She's making this so hard. I told myself that I was going to keep it together and be strong for her because she needs that. She needs me to be strong for her. She needs to see that I'm okay and that I'm not crying. I swore that I'd be strong for her so I could be her rock on this day but when she's crying and begging me not to let her go, I'm breaking down. I wanted to let all my tears out when I got home. I had a plan again. I was going to keep it together until I got home and then I was going to let it all out in my driveway after going home to an empty house...without her in it. This is hands-down the worst day of my life. "Jo...You have to be fine." I whisper in her ear and notice that my voice broke. I'm gonna cry, dammit. "You have to be okay without me...I won't be okay without you if you're not okay without me." I accidentally shed a tear or two...or three, or four. "You have to be okay...don't do anything stupid." I put my lips against her temple and hold her so tight. "And don't forget me, mmmkay?"

"Never." She squeezes me tight. "I can't do this...I can't..."

I run my hands through her ponytail one last time. "...You have to meet someone. You have to meet someone and love someone...I'll try too but you have to. You have to meet someone that makes you happy, treats you right...you have to love someone..."

"I won't." She shakes her head and says that like she's promising me that she'll never love anyone else. "I won't...I won't."

"You have to try." I rub her back to calm her down and kiss her forehead.

_**FLIGHT 243 TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS NOW BOARDING!**_

"...You have to go." I let her go because if I don't do it now, I never will. "That's your flight, you have to go." She slowly but surely lets me go. "You're gonna be okay, aren't you?" She gives me an unsteady nod but a nod nonetheless. "I love you, Josephine. I love you...so you have to be okay." I kiss her cheek. "Because that would really suck...It would make going in the burning building useless. It would've all been for nothing. I risked my life for nothing."

She giggles while wiping her eyes. "I'll call you tonight..." She clears her throat. "I know we're not together, but please kiss me..." Her jaw is trembling. I nod once and lean in to kiss her on her lips. Like she always does, she brings her hand up and rests it on my cheek while we kiss. This is most likely the last time I'll ever kiss her so I deepen it and touch her tongue with mine to make it worth it. We pull away at the same time and she looks at me with puffy, red eyes. "..What if I forget you? Alex, what if...we forget?"

"We won't." I don't really want to do this but I think it's the right thing to do. I don't want to do it because it's mine, you know? If I do this, then what do I have left? Nothing. I don't have anything left to remember her by. But I love her and if I really love her, I'll never ever forget my Jo. She might forget me though. So even though I desperately want to keep it, I reach into my pocket and hand her the picture strip. "Here." She takes it and looks at it. "Every time you look at this...remember me. Don't throw it away...remember me." She nods. I guess giving her the picture isn't that big a deal. I have so many pictures of Jo on my phone, it's unreal. I just prefer to have hard copies because anything can happen to digital copies. My phone can break, it can stop working, whatever. Hard copies are better. But she can have it...she needs it. "Remember me when you look at this."

"I promise I will...I'll keep it safe." She nods her head.

_**LAST CALL FOR PASSENGERS BOARDING FLIGHT 243 TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.**_

"I love you..." She kisses my lips one last time. "Alexander Michael...I love you." She seems better but Jo's a phenomenal actress at times so she could be faking it. "Never forget that..."

"I won't..." I really won't forget that somebody as incredible as Jo loved me. How could I? "Go become a doctor... save my life someday."

"Write me a book." She winks at me and seems like she really came to terms with leaving. She turns around and starts walking off in the direction of the security guards. I watch her while she walks away quickly and I feel so empty.

She took a large piece of my heart with her when she left.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't think that I'm going to leave you guys in the dark about what happened for the entire month and a half that Alex and Jo spent together. I plan on doing a good bit of chapters with them being apart and you'll see through flashbacks about some of the memories they made together in California. From this point on, chapters will be entirely in one point of view. Sometimes it'll be Alex's point of view and other times it'll be Jo's (mostly Jo's though). There will be no switching within the chapter. Each chapter will be in the same POV.

And don't think that I won't make Alex and Jo not end up together. It'd be cruel of me to do that but it would make the story that much more painful lol. I'm not saying whether they'll be together or not, I'm just saying...hope for the best but expect the worst. I can be cruel sometimes lol.

&amp; to clear up any confusion, Jo and Alex spent two and a half months TOTAL together, including the road trip and the fire rescue thing. They spent a month and a half in California before she had to leave for school.


	45. Don't Know How

When I thought about getting on the plane last night, I got instantly nervous. I wasn't nervous because I was thinking about the fact that I had to leave him, I was nervous because I've never flown in an airplane before. You hear horror stories all the time about airplanes. Flights get hijacked, go missing, pilots lose control and within an instant, you're dead. When I thought about getting on the plane last night, I was terrified to death to get on and wind up 4,000 feet off the ground. That was last night, though. I don't much care about being so high off the ground anymore. My mind is too focused on other things to even be scared of being so high up. I turn my head to the side and take a look out the window at the blueness of the sky and the white puffs of clouds passing by. If I concentrate really hard, I can almost make myself believe that I'm back in the car with Alex. The blueness of the sky is actually the blackness of a freshly paved road and the clouds are other cars passing us as we're driving. He's actually sitting right next to me with his hands on the wheel and I'm listening to the radio, not music on my phone.

We spent the last two and a half months together and now it's all gone. All the car rides, the fancy breakfasts, the expensive dates, the sleeping in the same bed as him, the laughing, the kissing, the hugging...it's all gone. Just like that, in one instant, I'm on a plane and the only happiness I knew of for the last two and a half months is gone. I was happy for two and a half months straight knowing that he loved me. Knowing that I got to go to sleep on his chest at night was enough to make me smile and never stop smiling. Where do I go from here? Who am I without him? I know that probably sounds melodramatic, but I really don't know. I don't know who I am without Alex. I remember who I was before him and I know who I was during him but I'm not so sure who I am without him. I think it's bad now because I've categorized events in my head as things that happened "before Alex" and things that happened "after Alex." Like for example, me being a hot, suicidal mess was before Alex. Me hating my entire existence was before Alex. Now, me actually loving life and being happy for the first time was after Alex. How am I ever supposed to be happy again?

I push my headphones deeper into my ears and adjust my body so I'm comfortable in my seat. I pull my knees up into my chest and rest my chin against them as I stare out the window. I could probably use this flight to catch up on my sleep because lord knows I didn't get any last night since were too busy enjoying each other to sleep. But I don't think I'll ever sleep again and I'm not being dramatic, I'm being very serious. For the last month, he's been "training" me to sleep on my own by putting a pillow in the middle of us at night but somehow, I always ended up on his chest at sometime during the night. I'm too used to having him holding me so I'll probably never fall asleep again and I damn sure won't fall asleep on this flight. I can hear somebody's crying baby in the seat behind me so I just reach down and turn the volume on my phone up as high as it can go and close my eyes. As a tear trickles out of my left eye, I start singing along to the song that's playing in my head. _Everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head. With eight seconds left in overtime, she's on your mind, she's on your mind. _

I sniff to prevent my nose from running but it doesn't help. I'm not going to stop crying anytime soon so I don't even bother wiping my tears or my nose. I just let the tears and the snot run free. I can't believe he's actually gone. I can't believe I actually got on the plane and left him. I really didn't think I was going to do it. I thought for sure he'd give in and let me go to UCLA. I really wouldn't have minded going to UCLA; I just wanted to be with him. _How did I end up on a plane to Boston?_ I purse my lips together so I don't make any noises as the next onslaught of tears pour from my eyes. I haven't even been gone an hour yet and I already miss him. I sniff again and end up hiccuping. I'm hurting so bad. It hurts way worse than an emotional kind of hurt too, I really feel it physically. I feel like someone punched me in my chest. My heart aches. I keep my eyes closed. I want to fall asleep, since the only time I'll ever be able to see him is in my dreams.

_I know I probably should remain quiet in an effort to preserve this magical moment but the truth is, I can't. I can't just lie here and be quiet when my mind is racing as fast as it is. We've been putting this off and putting this off for the last month and a half because the both of us are big procrastinators that don't face an issue until it's absolutely necessary to face the issue but there is no such thing as putting this off anymore. Tomorrow is the day and it's time to face reality. "Tomorrow's really the day..." My voice comes out in a tone so low that I hardly even recognize it as my own voice. I just expected it to be higher. When I spoke, I expected it to not be in a whisper. He doesn't say anything back to me. Instead, he flexes his arms around my waist and rests his cheek against the top of my head._

_In the last few months that me and Alex have been together, I've really gotten to know him. So, I know what it means when he's dead silent after I say something to him. It usually means he doesn't want to talk about it. I nestle my arms underneath his body and inhale deeply. Some may think it's disgusting the way we are right now. We're both lying in this bed naked, sweaty, my hair's sticking to my back and our bodies are soaking wet against each other from the two hours of sex we just had. My legs are on either side of him as my chest is flat against his and he's holding me; tight and close to his body like letting me go is the worst possible thing he can do. The room is stuffy and muggy, the smell of our lovemaking is prominent. Some may think it's disgusting the way we are right now but I think it's peaceful—serene, even. I lift my head up and look him in his eyes._

_He raises his eyebrows and pokes his bottom lip out in an innocent fashion as if he's silently asking me, "What do you want?" My lips turn up into a smile at how goofy and innocent he looks. God, I love this man. I lower my face down and put my lips against his. He loosens his arms around my waist and strokes his hands along the damp, sweaty skin on my back as we kiss. If I'm being honest, I really thought that spending a month and a half in a house with him would be disastrous. I thought that he would be exposed to my disgusting ways of leaving hair in the shower and the habit of me leaving my dirty underwear lying around every so often. I thought I'd be annoyed with the fact that he takes the easy way out of everything no matter the money; sending his laundry out, hiring maids to clean and ordering food when he could cook. But actually, living in a house with him has done quite the opposite. Being in the house with him has done nothing but make me fall deeper in love with him._

_I prop myself up on my elbow and look down at him. "...What am I gonna do without you?" I trace my fingers along his chest and admire the beauty of his face. I know it might sound weird to say that Alex is beautiful but I really don't know how else to describe him. He's beautiful; at least to me he is. His skin is golden and smooth like porcelain, the only blemish is the stubble leftover from him freshly shaving. His eyes are deep green little orbs and his stout, pug nose fits his face. "Seriously, Alex...What are we gonna do?"_

"_We're gonna be fine." He keeps tracing circles on my back with the tips of his fingers. "This isn't the end of the world, Jo." I roll my eyes at that comment. He may think that it's not the end of the world but for me, it is. It's the end of my world as far as I'm concerned. How do you just leave someone you love and say that it's not the end of the world? It may not be the end of his world but it's really the end of mine. "You'll find someone better than me in Massachusetts. He'll be a handsome doctor with lots of money and he'll take care of you. You'll find someone so much better than me, Jo...it's not the end of the world. Tomorrow's just another step in your life."_

"_I don't want to find a handsome doctor, Alex." I say that with a firm tone that probably makes me sound like a brat that's refusing something for dinner but whatever. He keeps telling me that I'll meet someone else and while he's most likely right about that, are we just forgetting the fact that I don't WANT to find someone else? "I don't want a handsome doctor. I'm in love with a handsome writer and I want the handsome writer. Screw the doctor." I twist one of his loose waves of hair around my finger. "I want you..."_

"_We had a deal, Jo. Don't forget our deal." He puts his hand against my arm and stops me from stroking his hair to let me know that we have to discuss something serious. "You're not going to turn down every nice guy because you're waiting for me and I'm not going to turn down every nice girl because I'm waiting for you. What if we don't end up together? Then we would've wasted our lives waiting for each other. I don't want you to waste your life on me. I want you to be happy without me, do you hear me? I want you to meet someone that makes you so happy. Please meet someone, Jo. Please."_

"_Okay, but how the hell do you expect me to just get over you?" I lean down and put my lips to his chest. "I love you, Alex...you can't just expect me to let that go...do you? Do you expect me to just let you go? I want you to be happy without me too, Alex. Despite what you think, you deserve to be happy too. You deserve happiness, baby. I want you to be happy without me too. But how are we supposed to date when our hearts belong to each other? What if I meet a nice guy next week? You can't expect me to want to go on a date with him. I know I probably shouldn't, but I'll feel so guilty. I'll feel like I'm cheating on you if I just go date someone else. You can't expect me to do that. The guilt will eat me alive."_

"_Then maybe we should break up." He mumbles. "I still want to be your friend and all that stuff, Jo. I'll always be here for you, always. No matter what happens, you're still and always will be my best friend in the entire world. Whether we end up together and get married somehow or if we fall off and never speak again after all of this, it doesn't matter. You'll always be the best friend I've ever had and nothing will ever change that. I'll do anything to keep the friendship alive, even if it means we have to break up. I don't want you to feel guilty about dating someone else and I don't want to feel guilty either. Neither one of us need to be sitting across the country feeling guilty when we date other people. So let's break up." He shrugs. "I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me, either. If you meet someone, I want to know about him. I want to know his name, his job, how he treats you...I want to know it all."_

"_You can never be just friends with someone you fell in love with, Alex... you can't." I rub his chest and kiss it once again. "...You know, before I met you, I...I had never been in love before." I've never admitted that to him before so it's kind of hard for me to admit it to myself, really. "You're the first person I've ever loved, Alex. Falling in love with you was so scary to me. It was scary as hell and I didn't even know what was happening. Amber had to point it out to me, matter of a fact. She had to tell me that I was falling for you because I didn't even know. I thought you were just making me sick. I would get butterflies every time we'd kiss and I would feel sick and I didn't know what was happening because I never felt that way before. You're the first person I've ever fallen in love with and you expect me to just give all that up because you want me to be happy without you?"_

"_At least you'll know what love feels like for the next guy you fall in love with." He kisses my forehead and I roll my eyes at him. He doesn't understand that I'll NEVER love someone the way I love him. It's just not going to happen. I look down at his chest and sigh. I'm starting to begin to think that I'm the only one that's really worried about this. Am I overthinking all of this? He seems so cool about the fact that we're about to be miles and miles apart in less than 24 hours. How is he so cool about this? "Hey..." He notices that I'm about to cry and puts his hand underneath my chin. "We're gonna be okay, Jo." He strokes my cheek. "If it's meant to be, it will be. It'll happen...it's all fate." I sigh and nod my head. He kisses me on my lips. "...That wasn't appropriate considering the fact that we just broke up, was it?"_

_I crack a smile and shake my head. "No, probably not." I kiss him again. "But there are a couple things that aren't appropriate for broken up couples." I kiss him so hard that his head smashes down into the pillow. "Round six?"_

"_Round six." He wraps his arm around my waist and tries to switch our positions so I'm on bottom but I refuse to let him. "You wanna be on top again?" I nod. "Alright."_

I open my eyes and blankly stare out the window. Tears won't stop falling out of my eyes. I'm not even blinking and they're just running out like there are faucets in my eyes. I could try to stop crying but I probably wouldn't be able to. I'm not ready for him to be a memory. The only time I'm going to be able to see him anymore is if I'm dreaming. Eventually, he'll be nothing but a memory to me. I'm not ready for that to happen. I need to know he exists beyond my memory. I need to know that there is a person out there named Alex Karev and he loved me and I loved him. I need to know that he's a real person. Because if he's nothing but a memory and I can't physically touch him or feel him against my skin anymore, who's to say that he's real? If he's just a memory, how can I convince myself—much less other people—that he was actually real? I'm going crazy, I'm sure of it.

Not even bothering to wipe my cheeks free of tears, I take one of my arms from around my legs and pick up my phone from the seat next to me. I open up my music app and click the "next" button to change the song I'm listening to. After I switch the song, I open up my pictures app and tap on my camera roll. I tap on the first picture I ever took and start scrolling through them. I'm so pathetic sitting here staring at pictures of him and me but it's the only way I can convince myself that Alex exists. My mind is running ragged trying to tell myself that he was always too good to be true; too good to believe that someone like him could love someone like me. It's true though. Someone as amazing as him loved a good-for-nothing orphan like me. I keep looking through the pictures, my heart aching as I remember the memories that go along with the pictures.

When looking at the pictures is too much for me, I lock my phone up, put it back down on the seat next to me and close my eyes to try and coax myself into falling asleep so I can have sweet, Alex-filled dreams.

**X X X **

"Thank you." I mumble to the cab driver as I hand him a twenty dollar bill from the wad of cash Alex supplied me with. He tried to hand me the money earlier this morning but I refused to take it from him because he's already done so much for me. I thought he gave up on trying to get me to keep it when he put it back in his pocket after I refused it but I should've known better. I know Alex very well and I should've known that he wasn't going to just let me refuse to take the money. That's why I wasn't surprised when I went in my carry-on bag after the flight to put my headphones away and saw 25—yes 25—wads of twenty dollar bills. Each wad of has twenty total twenty dollar bills in it. You do the math. 25 wads of 20, $20 bills equals $10,000. I gather up all my bags and shut the door of the cab. The driver speeds away down the street and I just stare at my new apartment complex. Me and Alex picked it out together so I'm not surprised at what it looks like since I've already seen pictures of it online. I'm staring at it because I really don't want to go inside.

Boston weather is so much different than California weather. It's towards the end of August so since it's still summertime the weather is of course still pretty sunny here in Boston but it's nowhere near as humid as it was in Long Beach. Instead of the palm trees I'm used to, there are spruce trees lining the sidewalk in front of my apartment. There is no squawking of seagulls, instead there's the cawing of birds. I don't smell saltwater in the air, I smell trees and hot dogs from street vendors. I look down the street and familiarize myself with the bus stop. I'll have to take a bus into Cambridge in order to get back and forth to my classes, which isn't bad. It's only a fifteen minute ride.

The building of my apartment is made of clean, bright red bricks and the windows have black shutters. I sigh and adjust my bags so I can carry them all inside at once. I climb up the flight of bright tan stoned steps and open up the door. Careful not to bump my bags off anything, I start walking up the flight of steps to make it to the second floor. My apartment is on the second floor, number 23. Alex paid my first month's rent already and he paid extra for it to be fully furnished. I make it to apartment number 23 and put my bags down on the floor. I know it's a good apartment complex because even the hallways seem clean. It's a pretty big upgrade from the apartment above the store I lived in before. I raise myself up on my tiptoes and feel around on the ledge of the arch for the duplicate key. The original key is with the owner of the apartment downstairs but the service desk is closed right now since it's after 6:00. I have to turn in the duplicate key tomorrow to get the original one. I shove the key into the door and turn it until I hear the latch of the lock snicker. I open up the door and start dragging my bags inside.

The inside of the apartment is nice and all but I'm not very surprised since I've already seen pictures of it online. I probably should be more excited about living in the first nice place I've ever lived in on my own but I don't really get excited over much of anything anymore. I don't have anything to be excited about. I drag all of my bags to the middle of my living room and shut my door. I sigh and look around. It's small but it's perfect for me since I'm just one person. I didn't want something too big because I didn't want to pay an astronomical amount of money for my rent every month. The kitchen and the living room run together. Behind the couch of the living room is a small dining table with four chairs and off to the corner is a door that leads to my bedroom and bathroom. It's small but it's very homely. Still looking around, I walk over to the door and open it. My bedroom is small but again, it's fine for me.

The full-sized bed is against the wall and right diagonal from the bed is my dresser with a TV on it. My closet is large and walk-in. The place is decorated and furnished very nicely but I expected it to be nice for what Alex paid for it. I don't really care that it's nice though. It doesn't phase me how everything is color-coordinated and how everything matches perfectly. I don't care about it. Does that make me ungrateful? I walk back out to my kitchen/living room and grab the large yellow duffle bag that holds all my personals. I drag it back to my room, hoist it up onto the bed and open it so I can unpack it. I sift through it and take out my unopened two-pack of deodorant, perfume, lotion, a box of tampons and Tylenol. Alex took me shopping for personals two days ago because he knew that if he just gave me the money to buy myself personal items once I got here, I probably wouldn't have because I hate taking money from him. I gather up the tampons and the bottles of shampoo and conditioner and take it into the bathroom. I dump everything on the counter next to my sink and go back to my bedroom. I dig out some of my pajama clothes and leave them on my bed. I dig deeper into the duffle bag and yank out my dirty old teddy bear that I refuse to toss in the washing machine. I toss the bear on my bed and throw the duffle bag in the corner of my room. I go back out to the living room and grab another bag. I put this bag on my bed as well and open it.

I suck my teeth as soon as I open it and my jaw starts to tremble. My eyes ache so bad because I spent the entire five hour plane ride sobbing my eyes out and I finally stopped while I was in the cab and now I'm right back to crying again. I wonder how it's possible for one person to have this much water in their body. I put my hand around my stuffed R2D2's arm and pull him out of the bag. Alex won him for me at the amusement park we went on for our first date.

"_Alex, it's fine...I don't need it. Come on." He's already 25 bucks deep in playing this game so he can win me a life-sized version of R2D2 from Star Wars. I admit that I freaked out just a little bit when I saw it hanging up as a prize for the game right next to a life-sized version of a stuffed Yoda but I never told him to spend all this money to get it for me. I just freaked out because I LOVE Star Wars. "I want to go ride that big red rollercoaster that we saw." He completely ignores me and hands the game runner another five dollar bill. "Alex, seriously..." He pretty much knows how much I hate it when he spends insane amounts of money on me. I'm not worth 30 bucks at an amusement park game. He doesn't have to do that. Hell, I was just glad when he bought me a funnel cake. He grabs a baseball from the bucket of balls the game runner gave to him and heaves it at the pyramid of steel milk jugs. With a loud clatter, the milk jugs come crashing down and he grabs another baseball._

_Like a machine, he knocks down all eight pyramids of jugs. He's been close all six times he played this but every time he went to hit the last pyramid, it just wouldn't fall. It finally fell on the sixth time. "I'll take the robot up there." He points to R2D2. The game runner knocks the R2D2 down with a big stick and the netting underneath the display of stuffed animals catches it. He grabs it and hands it to Alex. "Thanks, man." He takes it off of him and hands it to me. "Here...told you I'd get it for you."_

"_You didn't have to do that." I can't stop smiling. I really wanted the R2D2, not gonna lie. "Thank you...but you didn't have to spend all that money."_

"_I did." He puts his arm around my shoulders and walks with me towards the red rollercoaster. "It made you smile and I like seeing you smile. So really, I did myself a favor." He winks at me._

I wipe my tears off my cheeks and pull myself together long enough to resume unpacking. I put my R2D2 safely on my bed and start taking out the rest of my pajama clothes so I can put them away properly in my drawers. I turn around and open up a drawer that I'll make my pajama drawer. I grab a pile of shirts to put in the drawer but of course, to match the shitty day I'm having, I trip over the duffle bag I threw in the corner and end up dropping all the shirts on my floor. I sigh and get on my knees to pick them all up. My eye catches on a red and yellow shirt though. I close my eyes in hopes that the shirt will go away when I reopen them. When I open them back up, it's still there of course. God's just teasing me at this point. First I open up the bag to the R2D2 and now the first shirt I see is this one. I bite my lip to hold back tears and pick up the dark red shirt. I unfold it and look at the yellow writing that says, "Iowa State Cyclones Wrestling Team". It smells like him. Like his aftershave and his cologne. Call me desperate or whatever, but I hold it to my face and inhale it's scent. I even wipe my tears with it.

I can't do this anymore. I hold the shirt in my hand and stand up to grab my phone off my bed. I unlock it and go to my recent calls list and tap his name. I hold the phone to my ear and listen to it ringing...and that's all it does is ring. "Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system-" The messaging system picks up and I immediately hang it up. He didn't answer. I need to hear his fucking voice and he didn't answer. _I can't do this. I thought I could but I can't. I really can't. _That's enough unpacking for today. I swipe everything off my bed and onto the floor in a careless, messy pile. I take off the shirt that I'm wearing and I take off my bra. I take off my shorts and my socks as well. I throw all of my clothes on my floor and put on the shirt that smells like him. I carelessly smack at the light switch on my wall and turn off the light so my room is completely dark. I pull back the blankets on my bed and flop down in my bed. I grab my R2D2 and hold it close to my chest. I pull my blankets up to my neck and close my eyes. _Please god, let me fall asleep. Please let me go to sleep. All I want to do is dream about him. Please let me fall asleep...please...please. I just want to sleep...that's all. Just let me sleep. I just want to dream about him. I don't want to wake up...I just want to sleep. Please...I just want to sleep._

I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this without him.


	46. Shots

_Since I finally have some peace and quiet, I sit down at my desk and open up my MacBook. I desperately need to get this paperwork filled out and sent in before the company thinks that I don't want the job anymore. I've been meaning to get these papers filled out but between hanging out with Jo and just flat out spending every waking moment I can spend with her, my mind hasn't exactly been focused on doing things related to work. I have so many things I need to do that I've fallen behind on. I have to formally resign from my old publication company to let them know that Michael Evans has officially retired from writing. I also need to get these things filled out so I can start my new job at the appropriate time. If I don't get these papers filled out soon, I can forget about the year's contract. I'll have to sign a four-year contract if I don't get these papers filled out and that means it'll be four years before they publish anything I decide to write. I admit that Jo's been hindering me from doing the professional things I need to do but it's not totally her fault. If I really wanted to do work-related things, I'd make the time to. I'm just a world-class procrastinator._

_I open up my iTunes app on my computer and turn the music on shuffle as I grab a pen from the cup on my desk and start writing my name on the insurance information for my new job. I start tapping my foot along to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard and enjoy the time alone. Not that Jo's a big inconvenience to me or anything but I really do enjoy hanging out with her all the time but I'm glad she's upstairs sleeping and I get a moment alone without her. I just don't think I'd be able to fill these papers out with her big brown eyes staring at me. It's already bad enough that I'm letting her leave me behind so I can pursue this job. Can you imagine if I had to look her in her eyes while I'm filling out paperwork for the job? It'd kill me from the inside out. I hurry up and scribble down all the information for the first page and turn the packet to the second page. "Alexxx..." Just as I start filling out the second page of papers, she starts calling me from upstairs. I pause my music and listen for her. Sometimes she talks in her sleep so I'm not sure if this is actually her calling me or if she's just talking in her sleep._

_She wasn't feeling well earlier this morning. I think she has the flu or something because she woke up this morning and threw up and she's been throwing up since. She has a runny nose and she was sneezing all morning as well. I don't know how she caught the flu but I'm sure she has it. I got her to eat a little bit of soup and crackers and I ran out to get her some ginger ale earlier. She took a bath and after that, we laid in the bed together and watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory until she fell asleep on my chest like she always does. She's been sleep for about an hour now so I think that she's just talking in her sleep because the medicine I dosed her up with is supposed to put her to sleep for a few hours, not just one. "Alex..." She calls me again and I hear the floorboards creaking from upstairs to let me know that she's actually up and walking around. I push my chair out and walk over to the steps. She's standing at the top of them with a blanket wrapped around her body. "Are you coming back upstairs?" She sounds nasally. My poor Jo. She's so sick._

"_I was doing something down here but we can lie back down if you want. I'll come back up. Go lay back down. I'll grab you more ginger ale and I'll be up." She nods her head and turns back around like I told her to. I turn around and walk into the kitchen so I can get her something to drink. She's been throwing up and not drinking much so I don't want her to get dehydrated. I open up the dishwasher and pick up a clean glass. I shut it and go over to the fridge. Before I open it, I push the cup against the ice dispenser and put a decent amount of crushed up ice in the cup. I open up the fridge and take out the bottle of ginger ale. When I turn around to put the cup on the counter so I can pour it, she's sitting at the island on one of the bar stools. She was really quiet. I didn't even hear her come in. "I told you to go lay back down. I'm coming."_

"_We can lay down in the living room, can't we?" She sniffs and starts to shiver. "If you're doing something...I just don't want to bother you more than I already have. You can do whatever it is you were doing. I'll just lay down on the couch with you." She's so clingy today too. Jo's always really clingy anyway; she always wants to lay on me and hold me and put her arms around me and all that. She's just a clingy person. But now that she's sick, it's amplified by about a million. I don't want her to know it, but it's sort of annoying how I can't move without her wanting to be hanging all over me. I slide the glass of ginger ale across the island at her. "Thank you." She whines and takes a sip of it. "What are you doing down here?" I shake my head and put the ginger ale back in the fridge. "If it's not important, can we please lay in the bed?" I sigh out of annoyance and Jo's not stupid by any means so she picked up on that. "Sorry."_

"_Just go lay down, Jo. You're sick as a dog. I have things I need to do and you need to be in a bed somewhere. Just go lay down. I don't want whatever you have." She nods her head at me and I see her lip poke out. She steps down off the bar stool and grabs her ginger ale. I feel so bad now. I was just mean to her. She's not feeling well and I basically just told her to leave me alone because I don't want her to get me sick. I sigh again and turn off the light in my kitchen. "Come on." I put my hands around her shoulders and guide her into the living room. "We can lay on the couch. I'm sorry." I put my lips against her cheek. "I'm just crabby. I have a lot of stuff to do and it's not your fault, it's mine. I'm sorry for being crabby." _

"_No, I know I annoy you sometimes with how I'm always all over you." She puts her head down. "I just can't get comfortable unless you're around." She sounds like she's ashamed of that fact for some reason. "I'm sorry." _

"_It's alright. Come on. We can get on the couch. I'll finish what I was doing later." I walk with her into the living room and the both of us lie down on the couch. She puts her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my waist like I'm the most comfortable pillow she's ever owned. I spread the blanket evenly over the both of us and grab the remote off the arm of the couch. I turn the TV on and find a baseball game to watch. I feel really horrible for being so mean to her a second ago. She sneezes against my chest and to let her know that I don't care if she gets me sick, I rub the back of her neck and kiss the top of her head. "Bless you." I whisper to her. I don't know why I took out my frustration on her. I know she can't sleep without me and I admit that I knew she was probably going to wake up when I got out of the bed after she fell asleep. I didn't mean to be mean to her. "Love you, Jo." I don't know why it took me being mean to her to realize that I'd rather be cuddled up with my sick girlfriend than filling out papers for a new job that I'm not sure I want._

_I still have time to fill out the papers for my job but spending time with Jo is limited. She'll be gone in a few weeks and I'll never get this time back. Even if she's sneezing all over me and puking her brains out while I'm in the room. I'd rather be sick with Jo than healthy without her. _

I lean forward and turn off the water so I can get out of the shower. I pull the glass door back and grab my towel. I wrap the towel around my waist and step out of the shower. She's only been gone for six and a half hours and I'm already catching myself slipping up when it comes to her. When I got home from the airport earlier, I caught myself thinking that she was going to be upstairs in the bed waiting for me. I took a nap when I got home and I had the hardest time falling asleep. I had to put a pillow against my chest in order to fall asleep and it worked. But when I woke up, I immediately took off my shirt to change it. It took me all of five minutes to realize that there was no drool spot on my shirt and I didn't need to change it. The pillow she spent the last month and a half laying on smelled like her shampoo. I should probably wash the pillowcase but I can't bring myself to. It smells like her, why would I? I turn off the bathroom light and go into my bedroom.

I don't know what to do without her. I can't remember what I ever did without her. My house seems so empty. I glance at the clock and see that it's 6:30 in the evening. Usually around this time, Jo's downstairs making something for dinner. She gets in the shower before me and gets out before me so that when I get out of the shower, dinner's halfway done. All I have to do is put my pajamas on, go downstairs and wait about ten or fifteen minutes for her to make my plate. What do I do now? I take the towel from around my waist and dry myself off with it. I walk over to my clean clothes basket and grab a pair of boxers to throw on. Well, for one, I'm not hungry tonight. I'm usually starving and anxious to taste whatever delicious food she made for me around this time but tonight, I just don't have much of an appetite. I grab a pair of sweatpants and put them on as well. I throw on a t-shirt and sit down at the edge of my bed so I can put a pair of socks on my feet.

I wonder what she's doing. I told myself I wouldn't think about her and wonder about what she's doing. I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to become desperate. I told myself that I wouldn't overstep boundaries and that I would wait for her to call me. I told her to call me when she got settled in at her apartment and she hasn't called yet so I guess she's still busy. I can wait for her to call me. I shove my feet inside a pair of white socks and stand up. I don't know what the hell I should do. I'm not standing around waiting for her to feed me and I'm alone. I don't have someone to go hang out with. So what do I do? What did I ever do when I was alone? I sigh and walk over to my dresser so I can take my phone off the charger. I guess I'll go downstairs and sit on the computer until it's a decent hour to go to sleep for the night. When I snatch my phone off the charger, the screen lights up and tells me that I have one missed call from "Jo" with a bunch of hearts and heart-eyed emoticons next to her name. She did that, by the way. She put her number in my phone and when she typed in her name, she put three purple hearts next to her name. I changed it a little bit. I put heart-eyed emoticons next to the purple hearts because...well, have you seen Jo? She warrants heart-eyed emoticons, if I do say so myself. Anyway, my phone says that she called be 25 minutes ago. I was in the shower so I missed it but I can probably get her on the phone. It was only 25 minutes ago. I slide my thumb across the screen and put the phone to my ear. When her voicemail picks up is when I get angry. Not angry at the fact that she didn't answer but angry at the fact that I missed her call in the first place. Damn.

I toss my phone in the pocket of my sweatpants and shut my bedroom door behind myself. I don't have anything else better to do and I really miss my Jo, so I'll just go print out these pictures from my phone. I don't want to lose any of them. I have so many pictures of Jo on my phone it actually could probably be considered stalkerish. I don't want to lose the pictures so before some kind of freak accident happens to my phone, I'll just print them out. I jog down the steps and go over to my computer. I haven't been on my computer since the day I stopped filling out the papers for my job to take care of her. I pile the uncompleted paperwork up and toss it to the side as if it's unimportant. I mean right now, it kind of is unimportant. I could care less about that goddamn job. I just miss my Jo. I plug my phone into my MacBook and wait for the media manager to pop up. Once it pops up, I click "upload" and wait for all the pictures to upload. While they're uploading, I just stare at my phone. _Please call me back, Jo. Please. _I pick up my phone while the pictures are uploading and call her again. It's almost 7:00 here in California which means it's almost 10:00 in Massachusetts. She doesn't go to sleep this early...hell, she can't even fall asleep without me. So why isn't she answering? "Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system-" I hang up the phone and feel my eyes sting. Why won't she call me back?

"Jo!?" I can't believe I'm calling her name. Maybe I'm losing my mind but sometimes she ignores my calls when I call her from downstairs when she's upstairs. Yeah, that's it. She's actually upstairs folding clothes or cleaning the bathroom. I called her from downstairs once. She said the house was dirty so we spent the day cleaning it up. She was cleaning up the upstairs and I was supposed to be cleaning up the downstairs. I had to ask her a question about how to clean out the dishwasher so rather than scream upstairs to her, I called her. She ignored my call and made me go upstairs. She told me I was being "a lazy ass" and that's why she made me "get off my lazy ass" and go upstairs to ask her a question. So she's upstairs and she wants me to stop being lazy. I push out my chair so I can get up and just before I start to walk away from my desk, I stop myself. _Get a grip, Alex. She's gone. She's not upstairs. _

I sit back down at my desk and put my head in my hands. Well now that Jo's officially gone, I don't have to pretend to be strong anymore. I don't have to pretend like this isn't actually fucking killing me on the inside. I take a deep breath and as soon as I exhale, tears come with it. I can't believe I'm sitting her crying over a girl. _But Jo's not just a girl. She's not. Jo's...Jo. She's Jo and she's not just a girl. She's the most important woman in my life. I haven't felt this way since Lucy. No, scratch that. I feel stronger about Jo than I EVER felt about Lucy. I eventually got on with my life after Lucy. It took some time but I got on with my life. I can't imagine myself ever being okay without Jo. I don't think I'm ever going to get over her. Jo's not just a girl. _I take my hands away from my face and sniff again. My computer says that my photos are 100% uploaded.

I unplug my phone and click on the folder on my computer that my pictures from my phone stored in. I click the "view slideshow" option and hover my index finger over the right arrow on my keyboard so I can sift through the pictures and pick out which ones I want to print out and which ones I don't care about. The first picture I scroll past is of Jo, of course. I took it without her even knowing back when we were at my mom's house. She's sitting on the patio talking to Amber. I thought she looked really pretty that day, in her white tank top and blue jean shorts. She's smiling because she was mid-laugh when I snapped the picture. I decide to keep that one and scroll to the next picture. She took this one on my camera. It was the next day when we were at the hotel that we got kicked out of. She had my phone while I was in the shower and she took a bunch of unflattering pictures of herself. One picture is of her making an obnoxious duck face, another is of her winking, another is of her actually smiling, another is her with her tongue out, another is really close up of her eye, another is of her nose. I find myself smiling at the pictures. She's so goofy. Damn, I really miss her.

The next picture I scroll to is of her lying on my chest. I took it while she was sleeping. I thought she looked really pretty while she was sleeping so I just took it. The next one is of her not paying attention when we were driving to the amusement park on our first date. The picture after that is of me and her on the rollercoaster we got on. She forced me to take it with her. I look like shit in the picture but as always, she's gorgeous. She's lying on my shoulder and looking up at me and I'm looking straight into the camera. This picture makes me want to cry so I scroll to the next one. The next picture is my absolute favorite picture of her I've ever taken. Her hair is all curled up and pretty and she's smiling. We were in Denver when I took this picture. I can't remember where we were at but I know it was in Denver. Her teeth are bright and white and her smile is the prettiest thing I've ever seen. I thought she was an angel in disguise when I took this picture. She had on makeup and her hair was curled for some reason. She was smiling at something I said to her. I told her I was taking a picture and she didn't even pose...she just smiled. She's so photogenic. I don't think I'm going to be deleting any of these pictures. I want to print all of them out...wait, there are a couple that I wouldn't dare print out.

I click out of the slideshow view and scroll through the 1,633 pictures that I just uploaded. The ones that I'm about to delete are pictures that I wouldn't dare print out. I promised her that I'd keep them for my satisfaction and my satisfaction only. She held me at gunpoint (not actually) and made me swear that I would never show a person the pictures. I told her that I wouldn't and I mean that. I'll delete them. I won't print them but I'll keep them on my phone for...a rainy day or something. I click on the first picture that I promised her I wouldn't show to anyone and go over to the trashcan button to delete it. It's not really a bad picture. She's naked, obviously but it's not a bad picture. She just got out of the shower and she has a towel wrapped around her body. In the picture, she just started to take the towel off so her boobs are kind of showing but it's not the worst picture of her that I have. I delete the first one and move on to the second. She knew I was taking this one so she posed but she made me swear that I'd keep it for my eyes only. She's completely naked in this one but you can't really see much of anything because her body's turned a certain way. The only thing that's visible is the side of her butt. The last one she made me swear to keep to myself is the aftermath of us having sex. She's sitting on my lap, facing me because if my memory serves me correctly, she just got done riding me. She took this one. We're kissing and the side of her boob is exposed because she held her arm out to take the picture.

I don't know if I can be without her like this. I miss her so much it's unreal. Looking at these pictures of her didn't help. I wipe my eyes free of tears and slide out of my chair again. I pick up my phone and grab my car keys off my coffee table where I left them when I got home from the airport earlier. I'm gonna run down to the drugstore to pick up some ink and picture paper so I can print these out.

**X X X **

I wrap my thumb and index finger around the glass and bring it up to my lips. I tilt my head back and take the shot to my head. I swallow it hard and slide the glass back across the counter so the bartender knows I want another. That's my sixth and for some reason, I don't feel as if it was enough. I need at least six more...maybe more than that. I rub my damp eyes and let out a disgusting, loud belch. I don't know exactly how I ended up at the bar but I did. It started out as me just running out to grab picture paper and ink from the drugstore. I thought I would only be in the store for a few minutes and for all intents and purposes, I was. I was only in the store for five minutes, maybe less. So like an idiot, I left my phone in the car. When I got back in, I had a missed call from Jo. I called her back and got her voicemail. We keep missing each other somehow. So on my way home, I passed The Grease Monkey. I decided to just have one drink, just to get my mind off the fact that I missed Jo's call yet again. And somewhere along the lines, one shot turned into two and two turned into three and well, I'm still here.

I can't stop thinking about her. This vodka is supposed to take my mind off of her and it's not working. No matter how much I drink, I'm still thinking about her. The bartender fills up my shot glass with more vodka and no sooner than he puts it in front of me, it's in my mouth, burning it's way down my throat. I rub my eyes some more and lose myself in my Jo-filled thoughts.

_"Just trust me…it's gonna be fun." She motions for me to get up as well. I shake my head at her because I don't even know what she's about to do. "Come on, Alex… come on. We can be rude too…" I squint my eyes and shake my head, trying to figure out what the hell is going through her mind. "Come on… it's gonna be fun. Just follow my lead, okay?" She puts her hands against the wall. "They were rude to us…let's be rude back." I just stare at her. To further my thoughts that she's crazy, she starts jumping up and down on the bed and making the headboard bang against the wall. She slaps her hands against the wall while she jumps on the bed and starts laughing. "OH! OH! OHHH! BABY! YEAHHH!" My jaw drops when she starts making obnoxious sex noises. She starts giggling real hard but she conceals it. "OHHH! HARDER! HARDER!" She jumps on the bed harder. "Come on Alex…" She whispers to me._

_"…You're frickin' nuts. You are crazy….you're nuts. Who the hell…Jo, you're crazy. I'm not…" I shake my head. "There is something seriously wrong with your mind. Laughing so hysterically that she can't breathe, she grabs me by the collar of my shirt and pulls me up. "Jo, I'm not…"_

_"Yes you are. Come on, it's fun. I'll show you." She resumes smacking on the wall and jumping on the bed. "OHHH! MMMM! OH YEAH! YEAH! OH BABY!" I just stare at her. "OOOOHHHHH! BABY!" She stops and looks at me. "Please, Alex? Please?"_

_I keep shaking my head at her and reluctantly start jumping up and down on the bed with her. I like the way her nose wrinkles when she smiles. I've never been this joking and playful until I met Jo. "…What kind of noises do I make?" I smack on the wall while I jump, following her lead._

_"…Sex noises? I dunno...what do you usually sound like while you're having sex?" She stops jumping for a second to catch her breath._

_"…Alright." I smack on the wall and make the same grunt I usually make while I'm having sex, but I amplify it and make it playful. "UGH!"_

_"…You sound like an alligator." She shakes her head at me and starts jumping again. "OH ALEX! FASTER!"_

_She literally has no shame. She's so carefree. I want to be as carefree as she is. "YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?!"_

_She falls down on the bed and holds her stomach while she laughs at me. "That was good! That was really good….you tried. I appreciate the effort…"_

_"…Well you said…"_

_"Is that really what you sound like while you're having sex, Alex? Really?"_

_"Not exactly…"_

The bartender fills my glass up again and I stare at it for a moment before I down it. I just want to drink enough that I forget all about Jo. Remembering her is way too painful. It hurts too badly to remember her. I just want to forget. I take my eighth shot to the head and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work. Jo's still on my mind.

_"…Okay, come on…." She stands back up. "It's time for you to make me cum." I feel my eyes get pretty wide. "…Fake cum, fake cum!" She clarifies with the biggest smile on her face. I still can't believe these words are coming out of her mouth. It doesn't seem right to hear Jo have such a foul mouth. "Okay, you ready?" She's nodding her head. "Okay." She grabs my hand. "Slap me…not hard, but hard enough to make me scream. Don't warn me when it's coming, just do it… it has to be natural."_

_"…You've done this before…"_

_"Faked an orgasm? Plenty of times before." I don't feel right hitting her. I really don't feel right even touching her. ___She didn't say where to hit her though… ___"You have to really do it though, don't hold back…you have to—" I draw my hand back pretty far and slap her hard on her ass. "AHHHHHH! You would…" She starts talking to me through clenched teeth but I grip my hand around her ass and squeeze it. "OH BABY, I'M…I'M….I'M CU….MMING…" She throws her elbow back at me. "Get off my ass."_

_"You said make you scream…"_

_"You ready for your big finish?" She raises her eyebrow at me._

_"My big—" Out of nowhere, she punches me in my chest and I can't help but let out a grunt because I wasn't expecting it. "UGHH…." I grit my teeth at her. "Why would you do that?"_

It takes nine shots for my thoughts about Jo to start getting fuzzy...


	47. Memories

**A/N: M **Rated content in this chapter.

* * *

_"_Alex..." I jog down the steps that lead into his finished basement as I tie my hair back in a soaking wet ponytail. I'm going to kill him. I just got done cleaning the entire bedroom and bathroom and since I was sweating, I decided to take a shower. I was only in the shower for five freaking minutes before the water turned ice cold. I didn't even get to rinse the conditioner out of my hair! I told him not to run the damn washing machine while I was in the shower. He doesn't listen. I turn the corner and stomp past the couch, television and video game console. "Alexander!" I'm fuming mad. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is for the water to turn freezing cold while you're in the middle of enjoying a nice, hot shower? I walk past the outdated air-hockey table and go ____towards the second half of the basement, where all his gym equipment is. He's lying down on the bench press, lifting weights. I tuck my fluffy dark blue towel underneath my armpit so it stays and stand next to his head. "How many times have I told you NOT to run the washer while I'm in the shower?!" He doesn't say anything to me. He remains concentrated on lifting the 250 pound weight all the way up and bringing it back down to his chest. He has sweat all over his forehead and his grey wife-beater tank top is dark with sweat-stains around his armpits, his chest and his neck. "Don't act like you don't hear me, Alex."__

_"_I'm sorry." He grunts and brings the weight all the way down to his chest. I'm trying not to look at his muscles and how sexy he looks while he's sweating because I'm still trying to be mad at him. If I get distracted by his sexiness, I'll forget why I'm even pissed off. "I looked in my basket..." He grunts again. "I didn't have any clean boxers so I threw some in the wash." He makes it look effortless as he brings the weight all the way up and back down. "You're always telling me how I need to wash my own clothes. I thought I was doing something good."__

_"_Yeah, wash your own clothes when I'm NOT in the shower, you goof!" I adjust my towel because it's slipping and stare down into his eyes. He's looking up at me too but he's doing a good job at maintaining that innocent look on his face. I want to punch him in his throat but I can't. Not when he's looking at me like that. "I was in the middle of washing my hair and all of a sudden, I felt like I was bathing in ice water. I didn't even get to finish washing my hair. You heard the shower running. I know you heard the shower running." He looks at me and gives me that "no I didn't" kind of look. "I TOLD you I was getting in the shower! Before you came down here to work out, I told you that I was going to take a shower and make lunch. You did this on purpose. Must you be such an ass?"__

"_You're always telling me to wash my own clothes though, Jo. I was just doing what you always tell me to do." He puts the weight back into the rest above his head and sits up. He's terribly out of breath and breathing heavy. Even though I'd like to punch him in his throat right now, I bend down and grab the bottle of blue Gatorade he keeps next to the bench while he's lifting and unscrew the orange cap off the top. I hand it to him and stand next to the bench with my arms crossed over my chest. "Thank you, babe." He takes a long sip and looks at me. He's "babe"ing me just because he knows that I'm mad at him. He screws the cap back on the Gatorade and puts it down. "Love you, Jo." He winks at me and smirks._

"_Go to hell." I roll my eyes and walk over to the washing machine and the dryer that are over in the corner, right across from his TV and couch. "Just so you know..." I open up the dryer and the washer as well and start unloading the damp clothes from the washer so I can put them in the dryer. "I'm flushing the toilet so many times while you're in the shower." I turn the dial to set the time on the dryer and push it to start it after I close the door. _

"_But you love me, Jo." While I'm bent over to put more of his dirty clothes in the washer, he comes up behind me and puts his hands on my hips. He pulls me close to his body and holds me there while he kisses the back of my neck. "You can't stay mad at me."_

"_Stop... you're all sweaty and gross. I just got out of the shower, I don't want to get dirty again." I turn my body around so I'm facing him and put my hands against his sweaty chest. "You want me to wash your gym clothes for you too?" I stroke my hands across his chest and wrap them around to his back. I really don't want to get his nasty sweat all over me when I just took a shower but I'm such a sucker for a sweaty Alex. He's so sexy after he just works out. I scratch my nails along the exposed muscles on his back and move my hands up to his sweaty hair. He leans his head down to kiss me but I pull away just to tease him. "I'm gonna go make something for lunch." This time, I lift my head up and kiss him on his lips. I intended for the kiss to be just an innocent little peck but he presses his face hard into mine and opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. I hold onto the back of his head to brace myself. He moves his hands down from my waist to the back of my legs. I softly jump up and wrap my legs around his waist while we kiss._

_He puts one of his hands against the part of my towel that's holding up and the other hand underneath my butt so I don't fall. Instead of taking me over to the couch like I thought he would, he lifts me up and puts me down so I'm sitting on top of the washing machine. He puts his hands behind my hips and leans forward like he's trying to lie on top of me. So I don't fall backwards, I let go of him and put my hands down on the washing machine to brace myself. My towel comes undone but it's still holding up because he's pressed so tightly against me. He keeps his hands on my hips and pushes them apart so my legs are open. He finally pulls away from me and we just look at each other. I reach up and wipe his lips off with my thumb. He kisses me on my lips once more but softer this time, with just a peck. "I would take you over on the couch but I don't think I'll be able to make it." He starts taking my towel off._

"_Then let's stay here then." I reach down and grab the rim of his tank top. I start pulling it over his head and he helps me. I toss it on the floor and lean forward to kiss his chest. I wrap my arms around his neck and draw our lips back together so we can kiss again. I start scooting towards him. He pulls away from my mouth and goes immediately down to my neck. He forces my arms from around his neck and back down to my sides. He holds my arms down while he kisses my neck. He moves down from my neck to my chest and takes the rest of my towel off. His hands go back to my hips and without any other kind of foreplay, he kneels down in front of me and kisses my lower stomach like he'd kiss me on my lips, with tongue and all. My eyes roll to the back of my head as he moves down a little bit. I tangle my fingers through his hair and push his head deeper between my legs. He reaches up with both his arms and wraps them around my waist as he starts to stand up. I lock my legs around his neck so he doesn't drop me and grip his hair to bear with what he's doing with his tongue. _

_I don't know how he can tell where he's going but he easily can. Even though his face is buried deep between my legs, he walks over towards the couch that's by his TV. I grip his hair as he circles his tongue inside of me and throw my head back. I still don't know how he's able to pull off me being on his shoulders while he's giving me head, but he's making it seem effortless. He bends down until my back touches the couch and finally lets my waist go. He starts kissing my hips while he's shifting our position so he can get on top of me. When I'm lying flat against the couch, he forces my legs apart again and goes back down on me. I don't know how I'm managing not to moan but I am, somehow. The only sound down here is the sound of the dryer running and the occasional slurping sounds he's making while he's down on me. I start pushing his head away to let him know that I want to return the favor._

_He moves his head away from me and starts kissing his way back up my body. _

I lift my head up and reluctantly open my eyes. I don't know why but my body just told myself to wake up. I don't have to pee and it's not like I got all of my sleep out, because I didn't. My body just told me to wake up for some reason. _The best dream I've had in a long time and my biological clock told me to wake up. _I sigh and run my fingers through my knotted hair. I haven't washed my hair in a week and I've only taken two showers within the last week. I also haven't talked to Alex in a week. We just keep missing each others' calls. I gave up on calling him after the third day, though. I just don't think he wants to talk to me. If he wanted to, he'd make a way to contact me. I texted him yesterday and he didn't reply. I gave up. I guess he doesn't want to talk to me.

I sigh again and rub my eyes free of sleep. The first thing I do when I wake up anymore is glance over at the clock. I think looking at the clock is the first thing I do because I like to see how much of my pathetic life I've wasted away by sleeping. Time is really the only reminder that I'm actually living. Because I swear, I feel dead sometimes. But I'll watch the clock and watch the minutes tick by and it's painful, but it's a reminder that this is my life without him. Anyway, right now, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I rub my eyes again and fully sit up in the bed. My hair falls down around my chest and my entire body feels like I was just hit by a train and left on the side of the road to die. I hold my head in my hands and take a few deep breaths. I know I can't waste my life sleeping all damn day but I swear, the only time I'm happy anymore is when I'm sleeping. I get to see him while I'm sleeping. In my dreams, we aren't limited. In my dreams, I have all the time in the world with Alex. I can be with him eternally in my dreams. It's crazy how my dreams are the only time I get to see him anymore. I went from being with him and only him for a month and a half straight and now I can only see him in my unconscious dreams, which really aren't dreams at all but memories of what I've lost.

I sigh and pull my blankets off of me so I can get up and do something with my day. I should go down to the bookstore before it closes at 6:00 and pick up my books for my classes that start next week but all I can think about is when I can go back to sleep and dream about him. I don't have much motivation to leave the house. All I've been dreaming of lately is the things we did when I lived with him. Last night, I dreamt of the night we spent together at the boardwalk for the fourth of July. Not the part where I freaked out about the fireworks, but the part where we were eating at the restaurant and just enjoying each others' company. I woke up this morning around 11:00 so I could go pee and when I fell back asleep, that's when I had the dream about us having sex in his basement. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Of course me and Alex have had our fair share of enjoying each other but that was the best sex I've ever had with him, aside from our first time having sex. Our first time was my favorite..I miss that. But anyway, my body told me to wake up just as I was getting to the good part of my dream. Just before we were about to actually do it. My dreams have been so different without him. Back when we were together and I was sleeping with him every night, I would dream of my future with him. I would dream of the wedding dress I'd wear, I would dream about what our house would look like and I even dreamt about us having a beautiful little baby together someday. But now that he's not with me...I find myself constantly dreaming about the past.

I walk over to my dresser and pick out something to wear. I really just want to crawl back in my bed and go to sleep. I sigh and close my drawers. I still have until next week to go pick up my books. My classes don't start until next Tuesday. I can always just go get my books tomorrow or sometime this weekend. I should probably go feed myself though. I also haven't eaten a meal in a few days either. It's not that I'm intentionally starving myself because I swear I'm not. I'm just not hungry anymore. Not only did a piece of my heart get left behind in California but my appetite was left there as well. I walk into my kitchen and open up the cupboard where I keep all my bowls. I grab a bowl and grab the box of Cheerios off the counter. I dump some cereal into my bowl and open the fridge for the milk. I pour some milk in the bowl too and sit down on my couch. I scoop up a spoonful of Cheerios and put them in my mouth. I chew twice and swallow. When I swallow, it feels like the cereal goes down my throat and just deposits into an empty hole instead of my stomach. I can't eat this. It's just so unappealing to me. It's like eating dirt.

I stand back up off the couch and stalk over to my trashcan. I dump the entire bowl into the trash and lifelessly walk back to my bedroom. I feel like a big zombie these days. I feel like I'm hardly alive. I'm feeling so damn empty. I shut my bedroom door and lie back down on my bed. I grab my phone and then the remote to my TV. I turn on the TV and settle for whatever channel it's on. It looks like an old rerun of Parenthood so I just leave it. I'm not really interested in Parenthood by more so than that, I don't feel like scrolling through television channels for shows that I have no interest in watching anyway. I adjust my head on the pillow I'm laying on and reach over to my dresser and snatch up the headphones I put there last night. I plug them into my phone and turn on my music app. All I've really been listening to lately is the stuff that comes on the radio. I used to listen to Imagine Dragons but the other night, I was listening to their new album and "I Bet My Life" came on and I instantly flashed back to that time me and Alex were in his car screaming the lyrics to that song and I had to turn it off. I don't listen to Imagine Dragons anymore. I lifelessly scroll through my music albums playlist on my phone and settle for "X" by Ed Sheeran. I lock my phone back up and close my eyes while I listen to "Don't." I even tap my fingers along to the beat of it to keep my mind off the fact that I'm too sad to do anything but sleep.

How am I expected to just be okay without him? I thought by now it wouldn't hurt this bad but that was useless thinking on my part. It still hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to even think about him. I miss him so much that I make myself physically sick thinking about him. What if I never see him again? What if this is really the end for us? No, this is never how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to get married and have a baby. That's how we were supposed to end. We weren't supposed to end like this. We weren't supposed to just part ways and never speak again. _What about..._ My eyes start stinging with unshed tears and I sniff and blink and they fall. It hurts so bad to think about this, but I can't stop...

"_I would never be like that." I part his fluffy brown hair with my thumb and scratch my index finger along his scalp. He's lying on his stomach, flat against his bed. I'm sitting with my legs on either side of his back, straddling him while I'm scratching his head. He's looking through this magazine that sells cars while I'm watching Bridezillas. This is really the highlight of our day and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's in his boxers and a t-shirt letting me be the annoying girlfriend that wants to be all over him. I'm in my underwear and an oversized t-shirt, sitting on his back, making him watch Bridezillas with me and scratching his scalp with my fingernails because he loves it when I do that. We ordered pizza for dinner tonight and that's that. We're having a pretty boring, chill-out day since it's raining outside but really, I'd rather be holed up in the house with him than sunbathing outside._

"_You wouldn't?" He pretends like he's paying me a speck of attention when I know that he's really not. He's too busy looking through the car magazine. "You wouldn't bitch about whether the dress is white or off-white? And you wouldn't complain about the chocolate fountain being too small?" He flips the page. "You wouldn't be a bridezilla?"_

"_Nope." I pick a new spot on his head to scratch. "I'd want my wedding to be nice but I wouldn't be a big bitch about it."_

"_Mhm." He nods his head and bookmarks the page he's currently looking at by folding the corner of the page down. "What do you want our wedding to look like, then?"_

"_Our wedding?" I can't explain how happy that just made me. I have butterflies racing through my stomach and I feel so giddy. "You want to marry me?"_

"_Don't get ahead of yourself. I'm not proposing." He chuckles and flips the page again. "I'm just saying...if the cards get dealt that way and we did get married, what would you want our wedding to be like? Money's not an option." _

"_...I wouldn't wear a white dress." I shake my head and start stroking my fingers all through his hair. Alex has some thick hair for a boy. It's so thick and it's soft and fluffy too. He said yesterday that he needs a haircut but I don't want him to cut it. I like his long, fluffy hair. "I'd want to wear a pink dress. Not real pink though...like a soft pink. A pink so soft that it almost looks white, you know?" He nods his head. "I'd want sparkles in my train. I wouldn't wear a tiara...and I wouldn't pay someone to do my hair and makeup. I'd do my own hair and makeup. I'd curl my hair up all pretty for you and I'd put on a little bit of makeup. I wouldn't overdo it." I lean forward and kiss his cheek. "Would you wear a pink suit? Like...the same color as my dress?"_

"_A pink tux?" He sounds like he thinks I'm crazy. "...For you, I would. If you wanted me to wear a pink tux, I would." He shrugs his shoulders. "Where would we have it at? Would it be in a church? Or somewhere on a beach or something? Would it be a big ceremony or something small and private?"_

"_...Medium sized." It's a good thing his back is turned to me because I'm currently smiling like an idiot. "Can we have it at Disneyland? In Cinderella's castle? Just a few people. My close friends, your close friends. Your mom, Amber and Donald. Maybe your dad's parents too, if you want. A couple of your mom's close friends. Nothing too serious. Can we have it at Disneyland though? Could you rent out the park for a few hours?"_

"_Whatever you want, Jo. I told you that money's not an option." He chuckles. "But you want me to marry you in a castle...with a pink tux. What are you trying to do, imitate a fairytale?"_

"_Mhm." I nod my head. "And our cake...our cake would have four tiers. It would be pink too. On top would be figurines of us, right? And I want a chocolate fountain. With an ice sculpture of our names in the middle of the room. I want to be married like a princess." I stroke his hair. "...And I'd let you pick the song we'd share our first dance to. What song would it be?"_

"_Eye of the Tiger." He says that with so much seriousness in his voice that I can't help but bust out in laughter. He turns the page in the magazine again. "No but seriously...I think it'd only be fair if we danced to Swear It Again at our wedding, don't you think?"_

"_I think that's a great idea." I crack a softer smile. Alex can be romantic when he wants to be. He makes me so incredibly freaking happy. I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. "...Alex?" I lean forward and turn my head so I'm actually in his face. "...I wouldn't mind getting married at City Hall though...as long as it's you I'm marrying."_

"_Me either, babe." He turns his head and pecks me on my lips before he goes back to sticking his nose deep in his car magazine. "...But if you want a princess wedding then I'll give you a princess wedding." _

I cover my face with my hands and take a deep breath to get myself to stop crying. How are we supposed to get married and have our princess wedding if he won't even call me back? How are we ever supposed to do anything if we don't even talk anymore? I even told him about our baby. The day we planned our wedding out while watching Bridezillas was the day after I had the dream about our baby. I even told him about that. He seemed all for it...

"_Speaking of princesses, I had a dream last night that we were out in public and you were dressed in a big purple dress for some reason. It was weird." He picks a slice of pizza from the box in the middle of the bed and puts it on his paper plate. We've been sitting here watching TV for at least three hours and the thing is...neither one of us is interested in doing anything different. It's a little weird that he's all of a sudden bringing up princesses again though. We stopped talking about our fictitious princess wedding like an hour ago. I chew my mouthful of pizza and nod my head at his weird dream. "I don't even know why, you were just in a purple dress. I think maybe we were at the prom or something. Which again, is weird because none of my prom dates ever wore purple. They wore pink, green, yellow and white. My four prom dates never wore purple."_

"_That is weird, baby." I suck some pizza out of my back tooth with my tongue and take a sip of Alex's Mountain Dew since I drank all of my raspberry iced tea. It tastes horrible, by the way. I think all soda tastes gross...except for Dr. Pepper. I like Dr. Pepper. "You know what else is weird? What I dreamt about last night..." I reach forward and grab my fourth slice of pizza. Added to the millions of things I already love about Alex, I really love how I can just pig out in front of him. He doesn't judge me for how much I eat and I don't judge him. I burp in front of him and he farts in front of me and that's fine. We're comfortable with each other. I pick off a piece of pepperoni and eat it. "I dreamt that me and you went back to visit your mom in Kansas last night."_

"_Really?" He takes another bite of his sixth slice of pizza. The two of us are so fat. We're about to dust off an extra large pizza between the two of us. We're so huge. "That's not weird." He shrugs. "It could happen."_

"_Right but...we went back to visit her because we were bringing someone for them to meet. Like, the only reason we went back was because we had someone else with us that your mom, Amber and Donald needed to meet." I kind of dance around the fact that I blatantly dreamt about us bringing our baby to Kansas for his family to meet him. I don't now exactly how he'd feel knowing that I dreamt about something like that. I don't know if he'd be weirded out about it at all. He just continues to watch TV like the dream I'm telling him about is completely normal. "We brought our baby back...for them to meet it. It was kind of weird..."_

"_What's weird about that?" He looks at me._

"_...That we had a baby?" I look down at the bed and grin. "It was kind of cute...how Amber and your mom were so excited to see him, I mean." I quickly do damage control on the "kind of cute" thing. I actually was talking about the baby in my dream being cute but I don't want him to think I'm any weirder than he probably already thinks I am for dreaming about it. The fact of the matter is that the dream I had last night was the sweetest dream I've had since I was a little girl. Our baby was so perfect. He was chubby and cuddly and he was gorgeous. I have this mental image of him burned in the back of my mind. He was the most perfect baby I've ever seen. He was so perfect and precious that he could only exist in dreams because babies that perfect simply aren't real. _

"_Him?" He questions me._

"_Mhm." I nod my head. "He was a boy." I end up smiling just talking about our fictitious son. "He looked like you, actually. He had chubby cheeks and brown hair...and he was chunky. I think..." I narrow my eyes to clear the thought. "I think I might've nursed him...that's why he was so chubby."_

"_He have a name?"_

"_Alex. At least that's what everyone called him in my dream." His name rolls off my tongue so sweetly that it's as if I'm not even talking to someone already named Alex. Alex...little baby Alex. He looked like an Alex, too. He was chubby, with chubby cheeks, soft brown hair and the cutest little lips and nose. Alex. He looked just like an Alex. _

"_Yeah, that was definitely a dream." He chuckles. "I would never let you name our kid after me."_

"_Why not?" I raise my eyebrow._

"_Ehh...I just don't want to have an Alex Jr. I would never let you name our baby after me." He sighs and cracks a goofy little smile. "...I actually always saw us having a girl. Don't know why...just always imagined us having a girl...never a boy. A boy never crossed my mind. I'd love a boy...but I just see us having a girl." He puts his plastic plate down and clears his throat. "I thought about me having a kid once and I always envisioned a daughter...that's probably why I just think about us having a daughter when I think about kids." He shrugs. "But a son would be pretty neat too, I guess."_

"_After our princess wedding, can we have one of each?"_

"_Jo, I tell you what..." He picks up his plate again and rolls his pizza up to take a bite. "If things happen to fall into place after you graduate from school and we end up married, we can have all the little baby Alexs you want. Okay?"_

"_I'm holding you to that."_

I pull my knees up into my chest and rest my forehead against them. My heart aches so bad for him. How unfair of him to promise that to me. How unfair of him to tell me that we could get married and have our little Alex together if he's not going to answer my calls. I know I promised him that I would try to find someone while I'm here. I know I promised that I wouldn't completely swear off dating while I'm waiting for him. I know I promised him all of that. But seriously, how am I ever supposed to find someone else to spend the rest of my life with when he's the one that has my heart? I miss him so much. I want him... I don't want anyone else. I'll never want anyone else. I'll always want him. I'll always want him and our princess wedding and our baby Alex. I want that. I know myself and I know for a fact that I'll always want him.

I sniff and wipe my tears away as I skip to the next song on Ed Sheeran's album. Just my luck, the next song that comes on is "Photograph". Call me pathetic but I just roll over on my side, turn the song all the way up and close my eyes. I don't make it a point to waste my life listening to sad love songs that remind me of Alex but this song really makes me think of him and the fact that he gave me the only physical copy of a picture that me and him took together. So whatever, I'll listen to this song and I'll think about him and I'll cry myself to sleep so I can have sweet dreams filled with Alex. I sing along in my head while I run through all our memories. It's probably not healthy for me to do this but it helps patch the wound of losing him. _We keep this love in a photograph. We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing, our hearts were never broken and time's forever frozen still. _Damn that's true. He gave me that picture and... and in that picture, our time together was endless. _So you can keep me...inside the pocket of your ripped jeans...holding me close until your eyes meet. You won't ever be alone...wait for me to come home. _

That's all I really want to do. I want to go home...to Alex. Boston isn't home. Boston is just a place where I need to be in order to finish my schooling. They say home is where your heart is. And if that's true, then Boston isn't my home. My home is back in Torrence, California. I want to go home. I just let my tears slip out of my eyes and onto my pillow as the next verse of the song comes on. _Loving can heal...loving can mend your soul...and it's the only thing that I kn- _All of a sudden, the song is interrupted.

Instead of music playing in my ear, the annoying sound of my phone ringing is all I hear in my headphones.


	48. The Stupidest Thing

"_You're just gonna have to trust me on this." I pick up a red helmet from the rack and undo the chinstrap. "My dad used to bring me to the cages all the time to blow off steam. It really helps." I put the helmet on her head and adjust it so it's on her head perfectly. We were down at the Dairy Queen about an hour ago and we were eating ice cream sitting at the outside benches since it's a beautiful day outside today. She told me that she was a little bit worried about how she'd be able to pay for her books when she goes to Boston because medical school books aren't cheap. I told her that the fee I paid over the phone for her to go to Harvard included her books. I don't think she knew that but I told her, nonetheless. She immediately got mad at me for it. She yelled at me and told me how much she hates it when I spend money on her but I told her that I didn't care. She was really mad though. She actually resorted to beating me across the head with her open hand. So I think she needs to blow off steam. I had the idea to take her to the field. I wanted to take her to the cages but the nearest batting cages are an hour away, so the field will do. "Just pretend the ball is my head, instead of a ball. Hit my head with the bat...okay?"_

"_This isn't going to work." She picks up a purple bat from the rack of bats and holds it like she's seen a bat be held before. But her stance is wrong. "Do you have any idea how unathletic I am? Alex, I was a bookworm..I didn't play softball. Hell, I wasn't even a cheerleader. I was on the freaking debate team in my high school and I was in gifted. We went to chess tournaments every Friday." Her legs are together and her arms are at her sides. She's holding the bat like she's holding a candle or something with a flesh-eating virus on it. She's acting like the bat is going to bite her. "I'd much rather just take my anger out on you...at least I know how to hit you. I don't know how to hit a ball."_

"_That's a shame...because you'd probably be really good at softball. You have all this anger built up..." I put my hands on her hips and open her legs up. "Your stance is wrong, first of all. You want to stand with your legs apart so your weight is evenly distributed." She's wearing a tight pair of blue jean shorts and a black Princeton Tigers t-shirt. She has on a pair of black converse sneakers and her hair is tied back in a ponytail underneath her helmet. I swear she's the most beautiful thing on this earth without even trying though. "Relax your arms, babe." I put my hands on her shoulders and massage them for a few seconds. "Just relax..." I put my hands back on her hips to adjust her legs some more. Of course, I sneak in a grab at her ass though. She throws an elbow back at me and actively tries to adjust her batting stance. "Okay...and your hands. Don't choke up on the bat so much." I move her hands down._

"_Like that?" She moves her hands down to the knob of the bat. I nod my head and turn her hands so her knuckles are lined up with each other. Jo's so dainty and petite that she doesn't seem like she ever was much of a sporty type but I swear I could see her swinging a softball bat in high school. She's tiny, sure. But she's tough. Her fingernails are long and clean and her fingers are skinny and slender. I correct her hands some more and she lets me. "You played baseball in high school, didn't you?" She holds the bat close to her body but doesn't move her hands from the position I put them in._

"_When I was a freshman. I gave it up sophomore year to focus on football and wrestling though." I put my hands on her arms and fix them too. I put her back arm up and her front arm down. "Make sure you keep your back elbow up...so once you start your swing, you can drop it down and get more power." I put my hands on her hips once again. "Bend your knees a little." I push her down. She bends her knees a little too much. "Not that much, Jo...just a little." She fixes herself. "And lean back...put all your weight on your back leg...that's where you'll get all your power from. When you swing, you'll shift all your weight to your front leg...bring the bat all the way around...complete your swing. Got it?" She nods. "Alright, lemme see." I take a step back. She looks nervous and a little shaky. "Go 'head...swing. Take a step with your front leg...swing. Make sure you shift, though." She takes a nervous step and swings the bat all the way around. She's a quick learner, it seems. I really can't believe she's never played a sport before. "That's a good swing, babe...that's good." I fix her hands again. "Just remember to keep your knuckles lined up...kay? And when you actually go to hit the ball, don't stop your swing. Swing all the way through the ball. Okay?"_

"_...Alright." She sighs. I give her a supportive tap on her shoulder and grab a ball from the bucket. I pick up an old glove that I found in the trunk of my car and walk over to the pitcher's mound. "What if I swing and miss?" She asks. I take that into consideration and pick up the entire bucket of balls, place them at the mound and grab one. "Alex, don't make fun of me for this...I'm not good at sports...and I don't run. I'm so uncoordinated." She puts herself in the stance I showed her to get in. I show her the ball, she nods her head. I gently toss it underhand from the mound to her. She swings the bat and misses. She slams the bat in the dirt and puts her head down. "I can't do this...I don't want to. I feel like I look silly."_

"_You look fine, Jo. Just see the ball hit the bat. Watch the ball all the way in." I present the ball to her again. She nods her head. I toss it from the mound to her again and she swings and misses. "You're on it. Your timing is good...just connect this time. You can do it." I watch her shrug her shoulders and get back in her stance after missing. I toss the ball to her again and this time, she actually hits it. Well, she taps it. It slowly rolls down to the third base line and stops just short of the base. She shakes her head. "That was good, Jo... You're just forgetting to step. If you don't step, you're not gonna have any power behind your swing. Step...and turn your hips. And you stopped your swing. Don't stop swinging once you hit the ball...swing all the way through it. All the way through. You wanna try again?" She nods her head. "Okay...just watch it. Like last time." I toss the ball to her. This time, she does everything right. She steps with her swing, turns her hips, swings all the way through and she actually crushes this one over my head to dead center field. See, I knew she'd be good at this. She's strong. _

"_I HIT IT!" She jumps up and down like a giddy little kid and that makes me smile too. I like seeing Jo smile for some reason. I don't know...I guess she just has one of those smiles that lights up the room. It's hard not to smile and laugh when you see her smiling and laughing. "OOOH! I wanna go again! Here...lemme go again." She stands back at home plate in the stance I showed her. I shake my head at her with a smile still on my face and grab another ball from the bucket. I toss it at her again and she does the same thing as she did last time but the only difference is that she grunts when she hits it this time. I turn around and watch the ball soar over my head and it keeps going and going until it hits the fence in the outfield. "OOOH!" She puts the bat down and starts doing a stupid little celebration dance. "I totally shoulda played softball in high school! This is for sure my calling!" She twirls around in a circle and starts shaking her butt. I shake my head at her and smile. I don't think it ever occurred to me just how much I actually love her until this moment. Seeing her do a goofy little celebration dance at hitting the ball to the fence...I love her. "...What are you looking at me like that for?"_

"_I'm not." I put my glove down in the dirt and keep looking at her. She takes off her helmet and puts it down. Her hair topples down to the middle of her back and just when I thought she couldn't get any more perfect, she does. I like how young she is...she's still innocent. It just reminds me that I don't really deserve her. She deserves someone better than me; someone that's willing to play with her and keep up with her youth. I don't really deserve her. She jogs over to the mound where I'm standing and puts her hands on my waist. "Don't tell me you're done...you're on a roll." I kiss her forehead and fix her helmet hair. _

"_Well I am having fun." She grabs onto my hand and starts pulling me. "It's my turn to show you how I blew off steam in high school, though. Come on... I need you to take me to the dollar store. I need to buy a chess set." _

"_I am not playing chess, Jo. Buy you a chess set so what? So you can kick my ass in it?" I shake my head and shrug out of her grasp. "No thanks."_

"_Come on, Alex..." She holds onto my hand and starts pulling me. "I let you talk me into being a jock for the day. I wanna show you what it's like to be a nerd."_

"_Fine."_

I pinch the bridge of my nose to pull myself out of thinking about the time that Jo and I spent at the baseball field last month and run my hand through my hair. This isn't getting any easier. It's been a week and it's still just as hard as it was the first day she left. I bend down and open up the mini fridge I keep under my desk and open up the water bottle I keep in there. I promised myself that I wouldn't do this at work but it's getting too hard. I unscrew the cap on the half-empty bottle and take a long, drowned out sip. Just a sip though...just enough to get me through this eight hour shift. It burns as it goes down my throat but I down it like a champ. I belch, wipe my mouth, put the bottle back and try to clear my head long enough to file through the papers left on my desk from last night. I was supposed to finish filing these before I went home last night but I didn't. I weighed out the pros and cons of filing before I went home last night and the cons outweighed the pros so I just didn't. I went down to The Grease Monkey instead of filing. I told myself that I'd do it in the morning. I just started this job at the beginning of the week and I'm already falling behind with it but the good thing is that I can work at my own pace. There is no pressure for me to publish at a certain time since all I'm doing is writing periodicals like almanacs and revising articles to go in the magazines.

I open up the filing cabinet beside my desk and grab the "A" folder. I put the folder on my desk and sigh. This week has been rough. I'm so behind on all my work and it's nobody's fault but my own. It's so hard to get anything done when the only thing I do all day is think about Jo. It's a vicious cycle. I come to work, start filing. I look at the picture on my desk and think about texting her but then I think about the time difference and I realize that it's not a decent time to text her. Then I get swamped with work to do and I end up missing her call. I get depressed all over again and even though I swear to myself every single day that I won't do it at work, I end up reaching in my mini fridge and drinking an entire bottle of "water". By then, I'm usually too drunk off my ass to even text her or call her. So I haven't spoken to her since I've started this damn job. And by now, I'm too ashamed of myself to contact her. It's been a week since she's heard from me. She probably hates me and if I call her and she tells me that she moved on since I haven't spoken to her...well, I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop drinking my special water if she tells me she doesn't want to be bothered with me.

I lean back in my comfortable swivel chair and twirl my thumbs in a circle. I stare at the things I have on my desk. I have a black lamp for the nights when I have to work late. A calendar that's marked with things like "First day of work" and "Jo's first day of classes". My nameplate is on my desk. And three framed pictures. My favorite picture of Jo is next to my printer, where her hair is curled and she's wearing the white shirt. Next to my lamp is a picture of me, my mom and Amber that I printed out from my phone. And dead in the middle of my desk, next to my nameplate is a picture of me and Jo. She's on my back and her arms are wrapped around my neck. She looks so happy and I remember how happy I was when we took this picture too. I wipe underneath my eyes and reach forward to put the pictures of her down, so I don't have to look at them anymore. I don't know what I was thinking by doing this.

I let her go to Boston. I stayed behind so I could work at this shitty job. The pay here is nice and the job is easy work. It's exactly the change I was looking for in my stupid, boring career. It's writing but it's not creative science-fiction writing anymore. It's writing and publishing more interesting things than science-fiction crap. It's exactly the change I wanted. But is it even worth it anymore? I remember living back in Iowa. I would get up, go check on pop's store and run some unimportant errands, such as grabbing stuff from the grocery store or cashing a check that could've waited. I'd go home after a long day to a lonely house with nobody but me in it. I'd sit in front of my computer and write something to turn in to my publishing company, I'd make myself something from a single-serving frozen box to eat. I'd eat dinner, take a shower, watch something on TV and go to sleep...alone, every night. I'd wake up and do it all again. I got bored with my job and I desperately wanted a change in my career. I wanted a reason to go to California and pursue this job.

But is it really worth it anymore? I wouldn't go back to my lonely life back in Iowa for all the money in the world. But I would go back to my life a month ago. Maybe the change I needed was Jo. I got in that car back in Iowa and I set off for California, in hopes of chasing a job that would make me happier with the pathetic, lonely life I lived. But I found her. In driving to California, I found Jo. I found that I didn't need a change in my career. I was happy being a writer...writing made me happy. The change I needed wasn't necessarily a change in my job, but a change in companionship. I found the thing that made me happy and I let it go. Why'd I let her go? I let her go to stay here and do what? Be miserable without her? Go right back to being unhappy with my miserable life?

And I know that it was Jo that made me happy. I know that for a fact. I saw my future in that woman. She was younger than me, sure...but we could've made it work. I mean, I know I saw my mom and dad's marriage turn to shit and they had an age difference just like me and Jo do, but I couldn't really judge anything off of them. My mom and my dad didn't even like each other. Me and Jo surely could've made it work. Living back in Iowa, I was sure that I never wanted to have kids. I was sure that marriage isn't for me and I never wanted to be a dad. Now that I met Jo, I'm not so sure. In fact, I know that I want a wife and kids someday. Not just any wife and any kids, though. I want a wife that's Jo and I want kids that have her DNA. I'm sure of that. Since that time I had to take care of her while she was sick, I was sure that I wanted her to have my kids. I've been sure of that since July 26th...

"_I still think it's just the flu or something." I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and open up the plastic CVS bag. I pick the pink and purple box out of the plastic bag and tear it open. She made me leave the house at 9:30 in the morning, run down to the pharmacy and pick one up. She's been throwing up nonstop, all morning and in addition to throwing up, she's been crying. I can't tell if the skin on her face is translucent white because she's nauseous or if it's that color because she's scared. Either way it goes, I've never seen Jo's skin so pale. I take out the test and hand it to her. She snatches it off of me and takes the cap off the end. Before she holds it underneath her leg to pee on it, she just looks at me. "I'm not going anywhere. If it's...true, then I wanna be here when you find out. I'm staying right here." She looks down and swallows. She holds the stick underneath her thigh and I can hear the sound of her pee hitting the bottom of the toilet bowl. She hasn't said anything to me and she's been still...like she saw a ghost. "...Jo, I thought you wanted this."_

"_Not right now." She looks at me with big, brown eyes and tears lining the rims. Her jaw is trembling and when she takes the stick from between her legs, her fingers are shaking. "...I don't want this...not right now. Alex, I can't.." She stands up and pulls her pants up. "I just got comfortable with the idea of going to Harvard...If I have a baby..." She whispers the word, "baby". She sniffs and holds her hand over her mouth. "I'm gonna throw up..." _

"_We'll be fine." I open up the toilet seat and lead her head to the toilet. I hold her hair back and she hovers over the toilet as she takes deep breaths. I take the pregnancy test from her hand and hold onto it while she has her bout of nausea. She thinks that she got pregnant from that time we were having sex in the shower back at the hotel in Arizona and she wouldn't let me pull out. It would make sense because that would make her about a month pregnant and this is around the time she'd be getting sick from it. I don't think we slipped up. I remember that day perfectly and if my memory is correct, I did pull out. We were close but I did pull out that night and we've been using condoms lately. "And if we are...it'll be fine. We'll be fine." I stroke her hair. "Didn't you say that you can't get pregnant though? Without help, I thought you can't..."_

"_I can't." She spits into the toilet and sits back down on her butt. I guess it was a false alarm. "The doctor always told me that I don't ovulate like other girls do and if I don't ovulate then there's no egg to fertilize. But what if...I did? Miracles happen, right?" She holds her head in her hands and I see a tear drip off her cheek down onto the floor. "...I can't be a mom at 23. I'm not ready for this." _

"_...Well it's a good thing you don't need to be." I sigh and hand her the test that says the words, "NOT PREGNANT" in bold letters. She grabs it off of me and closes her eyes._

"_Thank...god." She puts her head against the toilet seat and takes a deep breath. "I was so scared for a minute..oh thank god."_

"_Yeah...me too." I don't want to admit it, but a small part of me...just a small part...was kind of hoping that the test would've been positive._

That memory runs back through my head and I pinch the bridge of my nose again. She was so scared that morning. She always told me that she wanted to have a baby and I know she did but I could so tell that having a baby would've been the worst possible thing for her at that moment. I don't think the issue is that she didn't want to have a baby with me, I just think she wasn't ready for one at that particular moment in time. I don't blame her. I wasn't ready for us to have a baby either because after all, me and Jo's relationship is still rather new...way too new to be tested with a baby so soon. But still, a small part of me wanted that test to be positive. Anyway, I knew since then that I want her to be the one to have my children. When I felt slightly let down by the negative pregnancy test, I realized then that I wanted Jo to be the mother of my kids someday. I'm afraid that I might've waited too long to realize that though. She's gone now.

I clear my throat and grab the folder I pulled out of the filing cabinet. I really need to get this filing done before I fall further and further behind. I think my drunken buzz is wearing off because it's starting to really hurt again. I've come to the bitter realization that no matter how much booze I drown myself in, nothing is ever going to completely take away the hurt of being without Jo. I have found though, that if I drink enough, it'll get easier. The pain won't completely go away but the booze will numb it...at least for a little while. It's wearing off though because I'm starting to really, really miss her. I sigh and put the papers I need to file back down on my desk. I give up on filing again. I reach down in my mini fridge and take the last little bit of my special water straight to my head. I'm out of this bottle but that's okay. See, I made it a point to keep myself stocked up at the beginning of the work week. I knew how painful this week of work was going to be so I went out, bought three bottles of rum and a case of Aquafina. I dumped out all the water and filled the bottles with rum. I have an entire fridge full of "water" so it's okay that I just ran out. I belch again and toss the empty bottle in the trashcan. Is it bad that I just cracked that bottle open this morning, when I got here? And it's gone already? It's only 12:30 noon.

I stand up from my desk, stumble a bit from my sudden intoxication and pull myself together. I pick my phone up and walk towards the door of my cubicle. I'm taking an early lunch today. I pull myself together long enough to walk down the hallway, past the boss's office and down the steps to the employee bathroom. I shut and lock the door to the bathroom and don't even bother turning the light on. I know it's probably not sanitary, but I'm too drunk to even stand up. So I sit down on the floor with my back against the door in the dark bathroom. If it's 12:30 right now, then it's...3:30 in Boston. I probably shouldn't call her now after my pathetic ass hasn't talked to her in a week but... I just really miss her. Plus I'm drunk and I have the biggest balls when I'm drunk.

I unlock my phone and go straight to her blurry contact. I can hardly make out the name on the screen so I hope I'm calling the right person. I put the phone on speaker because I can't possibly sit upright long enough to hold the phone to my ear. I rest my head against the door and wait for her...if it's really her that I called...to answer.

"Hello?" She picks up. That's Jo! That's her voice! She actually answered!

"...Hey." I swallow hard to prevent my words from slurring. "What 'sup?"

"Where the hell have you been?! Alex, I've been texting you and calling you...you've been ignoring me! What the hell..."

"Don't yell, Jo...don't."

"You better have a damn good reason, Alex. I was worried sick!"

"I'm ...okay. I started...workin' this week...been busy."

"Are you _drunk_?"

"...A little."

"Alex, where are you? I'm not even kidding...where are you?" She sounds worried.

"I'm at work Jo...chill."

"You're drinking at work?! What's wrong with you?! You're gonna get fired!"

"So?"

"So?! Alexander Michael...this has to be the stupidest thing you've ever done. And you're calling me while you're drunk? Alex...what the hell is going on with you? You're being stupid...this is the stupidest thing you've ever done. Where are you?!"

"I miss you, Jo."

"...Alex, I'm gonna go. Call me when you're sober."

"NO! Jo...stay on."

"I can't believe you..." She sighs. "I can't talk to you while you're drunk. At the risk of you not remembering a damn thing I say to you? I can't believe you. Alex...You can't call me drunk. All it does it make me worry about you more than I already do. Where are you right now?"

"Bathroom."

"I'm going to call you later." She sounds so disappointed.

"Jo, you mad at me?"

"...Yeah. I am. I've been waiting to hear from you for a week and when you finally do call me, you're drunk off your ass. I'm not talking to you while you're drunk. Alex, I've been waiting...for you to call me. I've been waiting for you to call me for a week. And you're drunk?" I think she's crying. "What's going on with you? You told me..." She's definitely crying. "I'll call you later, Alex."

"Jo, don't go..." I can't help but giggle into the phone. Nothing's funny...I'm just too drunk to do anything else but laugh and lie here. It's too late though. All I hear is a dial tone in my ear. Well, she was wrong about one thing... Drinking at work isn't the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Actually, letting her go is the stupidest thing I've ever done.


	49. Not Stopping

"As I look around at all the active participants and admiral individuals in this room, I realize all the untapped potential. Some of you come from parts of the globe all over, prestigious post-secondary institutes alike. During your time in your collegiate studies, you were all probably used to being the best...top dog...most coherent in your class." He looks around at the 43 people sitting all around me. I don't know why, but part of me was expecting this class to be bigger. My classes back at Princeton were bigger. Not much bigger, but bigger nonetheless. "I believe it's time for all of you to look around and realize that this is a completely new surrounding...get used to not being the best." I play with the papers of my notebook and sigh. I just really don't want to be here. First day of classes and I wish I wasn't even here. Dr. Mayer continues with his introductory speech though. "Now, part of the regime that makes the curriculum here at Harvard Medical School so much more prestigious than any other institution is our recognition that most students at this level of their education learn better in hands-on situations." Dr. Mayer walks across the front of the room, stroking his nearly non-existent beard. "Here at Harvard, we recognize the importance of giving our students the opportunity to learn in real-life situations. We don't waste time in lecture. Instead of taking away from valuable education time by lecture, I plan to instill an education worthwhile. In contradiction to everything I've just said, we will spend the majority of today's class in lecture...if there is ample time towards the end, we shall experiment with medicinal procedures that will assist you in whatever specialty you choose to pursue." He puts his hands in his pockets and clears his throat. "My name is Dr. Edward Mayer and welcome to Immunology."

I don't know if it's some sort of unspoken rule, but every doctor I've met today that's going to be teaching me has introduced themselves at the end of whatever introductory lecture they start off with. I've been to five different laboratories and I've met five different doctors today and not one of them have started off their introduction with a, "Hello, my name is..." They all decide to wait until the end of their talking spiel to tell us their names, which I think is just a little bit redundant because if we really wanted to know their names, all we'd have to do is look at our course requirement packets. Their names are all underneath their course descriptions. Dr. Mayer teaches Immunology, Dr. Carpenter teaches Cell Biology, Dr. Winters teaches Anatomy and Physiology, Dr. Brock teaches Biochemistry, Dr. James takes care of Embryology, Dr. Yates teaches Human Behavior and Neuroscience and the class I just came from, Genetics, is taught by Dr. Douglas. Maybe it's a weird Harvard thing for instructors to introduce themselves after the lectures, I don't know.

It's only my first day of classes and I've already learned how to bag a human when they aren't breathing. I know that probably doesn't sound like much but I really think that it counts for something. I actually wasn't expecting to learn anything today. I was just expecting to come to my classes, get the list of the materials I need to go out and buy, go over expectations and syllabuses and move on to my other classes. But when I got to my Anatomy and Physiology class, Dr. Winters took us through the lab and introduced us to our dummies. We all get our own. She taught us how to breathe for people using bags for when they can't breathe themselves. I thought it was pretty cool. A small part of me found joy in squeezing the bag into my dummy's mouth but the bigger part of me couldn't get over the fact that I'm just incredibly freaking sad all the time.

I haven't talked to Alex since the day he called me while he was drunk, five days ago. We've been texting for at least an hour every day but that's the highest extent our communication goes. When he called me while he was drunk, I told him to call me when he's sober. He never called me back after that which raises some serious concerns in my mind. I keep trying to tell myself that the only reason he didn't call me back was because he was so drunk that he probably forgot what I even said while we were on the phone that day. Still and yet, my mind keeps going to the possibility of what if he hasn't called me because he hasn't actually _been _sober? I mean, I told him to call me when he's sober and he hasn't called me back since then. What if he hasn't been sober and that's the reason? I always find myself talking myself down from that ledge once I start to think that way but seriously, it's plausible, isn't it? I know Alex is a grown man and he's responsible for all his actions and he can take care of himself but I'm so worried about him. He was so drunk...I can't the sound of his voice out of my head. His drunken, slurred speech and the sound of him laughing when things really weren't the least bit funny. He was that drunk at work.

I sigh and play with the empty pages in my notebook as I halfway listen to Dr. Mayer explain some other stuff about his immunology class. I guess what I'm most worried about is the fact that I know how Alex gets when he's drunk and I don't quite trust him to take good care of himself when he's intoxicated like that. He promised me that he wouldn't drink hardcore like that ever again and here he is, calling me while he's drunk off his ass like that again. The last time he drank like that was in the middle of July and he swore he wouldn't do it again after he came home as bad as he did...

"_Alex..." I put my arms underneath his armpits and try pulling him up off the floor for the third time in a row. Just like the last two times, I'm unsuccessful at getting him to move. He's just so heavy. "Baby, you have to try and help me...I can't move you on my own." I pull on his arms again but his head just lifelessly falls to the side and lands against the toilet seat. His entire body is limp, imitating a rag. "Alex." I rub his shoulders and kneel down next to him on the floor. He went out drinking with his friend Tony at ten o'clock tonight. It's three in the morning and he's just now dragging his ass back through the door. I told him that I wanted to go to bed early tonight so he'd be okay to go out with his friend for a little while. Well a little while turned into six hours. I went to sleep at ten thirty and woke up at one in the morning to use the bathroom. I found out that he still wasn't home so I called him to make sure he was okay. He told me at one o'clock in the morning that he was on his way home. He was so drunk that he had to leave his car down at the bar and walk his ass home. He hasn't thrown up yet but he's not in good condition. He can't even hold his head up. "Come on, baby...let's go upstairs." I keep rubbing his shoulders._

"_Shut up, Jo. All you do is bitch and complain." He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. His eyes are red-rimmed and he looks so bad. I won't lie. That hurt a little bit, to hear him say that all I do is bitch and complain. I put my head down and pick at a hangnail on my thumb. I don't think he meant that though. He's just really drunk right now. He didn't mean to be so rude. "I'm beginning to think that you bitch at me just to hear yourself bitch. Just shut the hell up sometimes."_

_I tuck my hair behind my ears and stand up. My knees hurt a little bit from kneeling down on the hard bathroom floor. He rang the doorbell at quarter to three in the morning so of course, I was in bed. I rolled out of bed in nothing but a tank top and underwear. My hair is strewn all over my head and I look a mess. I'd so rather be in bed than down here dealing with this. "You know, I don't have to be down here trying to help you. I got out of bed at three in the morning to help you out, Alex. You can't even pick your ass up off the floor." I tuck my messy hair behind my ears again and squat down to grab his arms. "Now come on...you need to lie down."_

"_I said shut up, Jo! Damn. Just shut up sometimes. Do you know how to do that?" He belches and rests his head against the toilet seat again. I can tell by the look on his face that he's going to throw up soon. I ignore his rudeness and lift his head up so I can open up the toilet seat just in case he blows chunks all over the place. "Get off, Jo." I roll my eyes and keep his head cradled in my hands. He puts his hand flat against my stomach and pushes me so hard that my back slams against the wall. "Get off!"_

"_Alex, stop it!" I slap his hand so hard that I sting myself so I know it stung him. I don't appreciate him treating me this way. I'm only trying to freaking help him out! I'm trying to make it so he doesn't have to sleep on the freaking bathroom floor tonight. And he's going to just push me? "What the hell is wrong with you?" I kneel back down and grab his shirt. He's wearing a dark gray sweater and I can see sweat-stains around his neck and his armpits. I start lifting the shirt up over his head and he actually lets me. He tries to push me again and I just let it go. "Stop pushing me. I swear to god, Alex if you don't stop pushing me..." I sigh and sit down next to him. If he's not going to let me pick him up off the ground and he insists on staying here, I'll at least sit with him. Just to make sure he's alright. I'm so tired. "I don't know why you would go out and drink like that anyway... you should know your limit by now. You're not some immature teenager that doesn't know when to stop drinking."_

"_You know what, Jo?" He picks his head up and turns towards me. I stare into his red-rimmed eyes and just listen, preparing myself for him to berate me. I know he's about to talk really bad to me so I'm bracing myself for it. "You're always commenting on how I act immature for my age all the fucking time." The "F" word kind of stings to hear him use it towards me. "I think you're the immature one. You can't stand the fact that I'm older than you and have more fun than you do. Stop acting like you're so much better...just because you're just barely old enough to drink... I should've known better than to involve myself with just a juvenile." That really stung. I know he's just drunk but...I always thought that drunk words are sober words. Just words he wishes he had the balls to say while he's sober. Right? My eyes well up with tears but I don't let them fall. "Now get the hell away from me. Go upstairs...go play with your Barbie dolls...go paint your toenails...go do something age appropriate."_

"_I'm totally the immature one here, right Alex? I'm the one that thinks it's cool to go out and drink so much that I have to walk home. I act way more mature than you do, Alex." I stand up from the floor and cross my arms over my chest. "And if I'm such a little girl..." I shake my head at him. I can't keep the tears from falling anymore. I blink and they fall and I wipe them away. "...Just get up, Alex. I'm way too tired to fight with you about something you won't even remember in the morning." I don't even bother to wipe my tears again. I reach down and grab his hand. I pull him up and this time, he actually lets me. He stands up on his own and stumbles a bit. "Come on." I wrap my arm around his waist for support and start walking out the door with him. "You smell so bad... Alex, why would you go out and drink like this? Why, baby?"_

"_God, do you ever shut up Jo?!" He shoves me away from him, as if he doesn't even want me touch him anymore. "SHUT UP! You're such a bitch!"_

"_Stop pushing me!" I haven't been truly angry in a very, very, very long time but he's really taking me there. He's taking me to that point by pushing me and shoving me and calling me names. "I'm not even joking, Alex! Don't ever push me again."_

_He laughs in my face. "What are you gonna do, Jo? Break up with me?"_

"_No, but..." I just roll my eyes. I'm just ready for tonight to be over. I grab his waist again to lead him to the steps and again, he pushes me away from him by my chest. "I SAID STOP PUSHING ME!" I put my hands against his chest and push him HARD. "Help yourself!" I push him away again and stomp up the stairs to go back to the bedroom. I just want this to be over._

I'm so worried about him. I just keep replaying that scenario over and over and over again in my head and I worry that he's acting out while he's drunk again. I know how Alex gets when he's drunk. He's okay after the liquor wears off but while he's drunk, he's a real bastard to deal with. That's why I refused to talk to him while he's drunk. After the alcohol started to wear off of him, he came back into the Alex I know and love. He eventually made it to the bedroom and he laid down on top of me. I held him and stroked his hair while he tried to fall asleep but instead, he started to cry a little bit. He apologized profusely to me and swore that he'd never ever drink like that again. I love Alex so much, you know? I love him more than I love myself and it takes a strong person to be able to admit that. I'm just so worried that he's drinking the way he is while he's at work. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

As I pull myself out of my thoughts, I glance up at the analog clock that's hanging on the wall of the lab. I have about five minutes before my class is dismissed. So I just pick up my notebook and shove it into my bag. I stand up and weave through the lab benches so I can get out of here. I know I've been saying this a lot, but all I really want to do is go home and lie down. I really thought that I'd be okay today since I'm back at school, which has really only ever been the thing that could keep me levelheaded. Even back in high school, school was my saving grace. So I thought that with being back in school, I'd be in a better mood but I'm just not. I'm still in the worst mood I've ever been in. Not to mention, last night was the worst night I've had in a while. I just kept tossing and turning and I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about him and wondering what he was doing. Maybe I'm crazy but I haven't washed that wrestling shirt. You know, the one that smells like him? I haven't washed it. It still smells like him even though I've slept in it every night for the last two weeks. I had a thought last night, too.

I thought about putting myself out of my misery, because essentially, that's what my life without Alex has become—misery. I think losing Alex is one of those cataclysmic events that happens in everyone's life. Those events that separate your life into two pieces—the things that happened before this big event and the things that happened after. Losing Alex is my event. I've already begun to separate things into "before Alex" and after "Alex". So lying in the bed, sobbing so hard that my chest hurt last night, I had the thought that maybe I should just put myself out of this misery. So I got up out of my bed and went to my bathroom. And suddenly, I had the strangest deja vu. I looked in my bathroom mirror and instead of seeing myself wearing his wrestling t-shirt with tears streaking down my cheeks and my hair up in a curly ponytail, I saw myself with wet hair streaming down my back, red marks all over my neck and face and a towel wrapped around my body. I opened up the medicine cabinet and I was back where I was in college, after I had been raped by my best friend's boyfriend. I dumped those pills into my hand last night and put them in my mouth. And just like my first failed suicide attempt, I spit the pills in the sink and laid back down. Putting myself out of my misery sounded like a good idea at first.

"Hey." As I'm walking out the door from the immunology lab, I hear someone call my name from behind me. I turn around and I'm face-to-face with another guy. He's tall, very lean and sort of muscular. He has darker, coffee-colored skin and a really nice smile. He's not bad looking, not at all. He seems clean. His hair is freshly trimmed and he has black-rimmed glasses on his face, which makes him look smart. "I think you're in my A&amp;P class and my embryology class. Your name's...Josephine, right?" I smile at him to be polite and nod my head. "I'm Trevor... Trevor Pike." He holds his hand out to me.

"...It's actually 'Jo'. Nobody calls me 'Josephine'." I slip my hand into his and shake it with a smile. "And yeah...I think we actually are in the same Anatomy and Physiology class...and Embryology." I actually don't really know if me and this guy have the same classes but I just don't want to seem rude by letting him know that I haven't much paid attention to him. "Um...What are you looking into specializing in?" I take my hand out of his and put it back against my elbow. I want to go home.

"Jo..." He says my name but I can tell that he's just trying it out to see how it sounds coming off his tongue. "I'm actually looking into a surgical specialty here. Don't know what kind of surgical specialty I'd go into just yet but I'm here to become a surgeon." He puts his hands in his pockets and stands up straight. "Where do you live? It's sort of late...I was wondering if maybe you'd like to grab a bite to eat and maybe I could take you home." He seems sweet. A little awkward but sweet. "...I probably sound like a creep right now...don't I?" That makes me smile. He's funny too. He seems down-to-earth as well...like he knows that he probably sounds like a weirdo by asking me to get in the car with him. "I...uh..." He smiles at me and rocks back and forth on his feet. "Not too good with pickup lines, so I guess maybe I should be straightforward with you, Jo." He chuckles. "I think you're really pretty. I've been uh...fascinated with you ever since I saw you in Embryology. I think you're really pretty and I guess I was just wondering if you'd be interested in getting to know me."

"...That's sweet, but I'm..." I start to tell him that I'm seeing someone but then I remember that I'm not supposed to turn down dates because I'm waiting for Alex. We had a deal about that. Besides, we broke up anyway. But I still don't want to go out with him. Not tonight, at least. I'm not ready to start dating. I'm still hung up on Alex and I'd feel way too bad if I started dating someone whilst I'm still hung up on him. I don't think that'd be much fair to someone, especially if they're as nice as Trevor. "I actually have another class after this one. I'm um...taking Microbiology in addition to Biochemistry so I'm heading towards the Southpointe building after this." I run my fingers through my hair as the lie rolls off my tongue so fluently that it's easily disguised as the truth. "Thank you, though. You're very sweet, Trevor...but I'm busy."

"Which is just a fancy way to say you're already taken, isn't it?" He smiles at me but I can tell that he's disappointed.

"Actually, no...I'm not." I shake my head. "I'm not seeing anyone...I'm single." It hurts to say that I'm single but it's the truth. "I'm single but I have classes tonight. Maybe some other time? We could head down to the Caribou Cafe for coffee someday...maybe next week?" I don't want to go out with him. I'm so disinterested in ever giving him a chance but he's so, so, so sweet. I'd feel bad just letting him down without the possibility of ever giving him another chance. "I'm sorry, Trevor."

"It's fine, Jo. I appreciate the whole...'let him down easy' tactic you have going on there. You're not gonna make me...get naked, paint myself red and set off dynamite to get you to notice me, are ya?" He smiles at me again and I smile back.

"No...that's not me." I run my hand through my hair again. "Although it would be quite interesting to see you naked...setting off dynamite...you know." I wink at him and he bursts out in hysterical laughter and I actually laugh with him. "We should totally go out some other time though...maybe when I'm not busy...or when our classes are actually normal instead of running on orientation time."

"Sounds good." He nods. "So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow." I nod too.

**X X X **

**Tuesday, September 2, 2015**

**10:29 p.m.**

**iMessage **

**Me: **you there?

**10:35 p.m.**

**Alex: **I'm here what's up?

**Me: **nothing. How are you?

**Alex: **okay. You?

**Me: **i'm fine. How was work?

**Alex: **stupid. How was classes today? Have fun? Learn something?

**Me: **yeah I learned something. Can you call me though? I have a lot to talk to you about.

**Alex: **i'm still at work so I can't call you. Why whats wrong?

**Me: **oh...i thought you got off already. I'm sorry. I just met someone today...i just want to know what you think about him.

**Alex: **he's probably great.

**Me: **yeah. He asked me out and I said no though.

**Alex: **I have to go jo.

**Me: **wait, alex why?! We never get to talk anymore. Please, I just want to talk to you. Please let me talk to you. I miss you so much. You can talk to me for a few more minutes can't you? Alex, please...talk to me.

**Alex: **I have to go jo, i'm at work.

**Me: **alex don't. I know you're not at work. It's 7:30 in california, you get off at 5. Please talk to me...

**Alex: **I can't jo

**Me: **alex.

**Me: **alex!

**Me: **alex, please don't do this to me.

**Me: **I just want to talk to you...

I put my phone down on the nightstand next to my bed and hold my face in my hands as I start to cry. I just want to talk to him. That's all I want. Why is he lying to me? I know he's not at work. It's 7:30 in California. He gets off work at 5:00 every day and the office closes at 6:00. He's not at work. Why won't he talk to me? I just want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice in my ear and I want to hear him say my name. Why won't he talk to me? I don't understand why he won't talk to me. Is he avoiding me? Did I do something wrong? For him to not talk to me? My chest is hurting...It's hurting. I clamp my hand over my chest and hold onto my heart. I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't breathe. My heart is beating too fast and I can't breathe. My chest is hurting...I think I'm having a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack. I keep my hand over my heart and put my head down so I can breathe. Tears keep falling down off my cheeks and onto the floor and on my legs. I'm crying way too hard.

Why won't Alex talk to me? I reach behind myself and grab my stuffed R2D2. I bury my face in R2D2's head and let it all out. I can't keep doing this. He can't keep ignoring me and I can't keep doing this. This is too hard. I can't do this anymore. God, I can't do this anymore. I thought...I thought he'd want to talk to me. Especially if I told him about Trevor. I just thought that he would care. He doesn't care. He won't even talk to me. I wish I was having a fucking heart attack. That would be less painful than this. I throw my R2D2 down on the floor and go straight for the bathroom. I'm not stopping tonight. I'm not stopping, I'm doing this. I refuse to live like this. I'm living a literal nightmare. This is HELL. I'm not stopping.

I open up the medicine cabinet and pull out the bottle of Acetaminophen I had the other night. I pop the top off the bottle and dump about twenty...maybe thirty pills in my hand. I open my mouth wide and dump the handful of pills in my mouth. I turn on the faucet and stick my face underneath the spray. I gather enough water up in my mouth to swallow the pills and turn out the lights in the bathroom. Before I swallow them, I sit down on the floor and bury my face in my knees. _Nobody's going to find me. I'm here in Boston alone. Nobody cares about me and there's nobody here that will care. They probably won't even find me for days. That's the way it ought to be. I don't want anyone to find me and I don't want anyone to save me. I want to die. _I can't keep doing this. I can't.

"_I love you, Jo." I feel his fingertips trace along the skin on my back but I keep my eyes closed. He thinks I'm asleep and in all aspects, I probably should be. We just finished having sex about an hour ago and usually, after me and Alex go at it for hours like we just did, I fall asleep soon after we finish. I didn't fall asleep straight away this time and I'm glad I didn't. I know Alex has a habit of watching me while I sleep. He's admitted to it before. But I wonder what he actually does whenever he watches me sleep. So I'll just fake it for a little while. "I love you." He leans down and presses his lips to my cheek. He even pulls the covers up so my naked body is properly covered. "I know I don't really...tell you that I love you but I do. I really do. I fell quick...but I fell hard. I love you, girl." He puts his lips to my shoulder blade. "Always, babe...always." It's so hard for me to keep a straight face. I want to smile and bust out in tears at the same time._

_We spent the entire night last night fighting because he came in drunk. He was pushing me and calling me a bitch the entire night and we fought really bad last night. But then this morning, he made me breakfast. It was disgusting...it was toast and scrambled eggs that tasted like cardboard but he tried. He made me breakfast and we spent the entire day on the couch watching movies. That was his way of making it up to me for being a drunken mess last night. We had sex for an hour or two and now it's time for us to sleep for the night. You know, he says he'll always love me and I really want to believe that but if he loves me, he'd be with me. I love him too. So much that it makes me sick. I love him so much that even after he pushed me into the wall and called me a bitch last night, I still held him and let him sleep on my chest. I love him so much. I'm not ready to let this love go._

"_Night." Underneath the covers, his hand wraps around my bare waist and rests on my butt as he leans over to turn off the lamp. "I really do love you, Jo." He sweeps my hair away from my cheek, kisses my earlobe and lies down next to me._

_I don't think I'll ever stop loving him._


	50. Coming

"Look, I just need a ticket to Boston. I need you to get me on the first flight available to Boston and I need to get there tonight. Not tomorrow, tonight. Can you do that for me?" I reach in my back pocket and grab my wallet. My hands shake a little bit but I can't tell weather or not they're shaking because I'm rushed and in a state of panic or if they're shaking simply because I've had more than enough to drink tonight. Either way it goes, my fingers are shaking and my thoughts are racing. I open up my wallet and fish around for cash. I'm not surprised when I don't find any cash in my wallet, though; I've been spending all my cash buying drinks and tipping bartenders lately. I just grab my card and hand it to the attendant. "I need to get to Boston tonight." I repeat myself, only because I don't know what else to say. The attendant nods her head and innocently takes my card from me to pay for the ticket. I can tell she's nervous. It's as if she's never seen a drunk man before. While she's busy running my numbers through their payment system, I hold my head in my hands and try to push through this terrible headache I've got going on with me. I'd like to be able to say that the headache is from a hangover but I'm not sure what exactly it's from. I drink too much to be hungover. I'm never sober enough to count as a hangover because even when I wake up in the morning with one, I just take a drink or two and the headache's gone. I've been drunk for two weeks straight and that's no exaggeration there.

Jo told me not to call her unless I was sober. I haven't called her since I called her that day in the bathroom because as ashamed as I am to say it, I haven't been sober. I can function under the influence without an issue but I know the second I talk to Jo over the phone she'll be able to tell that I'm drunk and she won't want to speak to me. We've been texting a whole lot lately but I haven't heard her voice since that day in the bathroom and I don't think anyone has any idea how badly that hurts. All I really want is to hear her voice again and feel her holding me against my chest like she did the last time we hugged. Maybe I'm just entirely too drunk to think correctly but I have to see her and I have to see her tonight. I originally planned on flying out to see her at the end of September so she'd have ample time to adjust to her new schedule with her classes and stuff but I caved this evening. I know today was her first day of classes and she's probably still getting used to to going to classes but when she texted me and told me that somebody asked her out on a date today, something in my mind snapped.

I know I made her promise me that she wouldn't swear off dating for the sake of waiting for me and I know we're broken up right now but I literally felt something in my brain come unhinged when I read the text that said "he asked me out and I told him no". It made me realize just how much I don't want her to be with anyone else. I want to be the only man that gets to take her on dates, touch her, kiss her and hold her at night. I want to be the one that she wakes up to every morning. I don't want her going on dates with anyone that isn't me. The fact that some punk had the audacity to ask her out on a date isn't setting very well with me. I didn't help myself much with the fact that I told her that the guy was probably great. I didn't mean that, I just didn't know what else to say. I didn't want to seem like I was jealous or being unsupportive of her trying to get into a new relationship when I'm the one that told her to test the waters in the first place. So instead of handling this situation with tact, I just told her that I had to go. I lied and told her I was at work and I turned my phone off. Admittedly, I almost started crying. Then it hit me...I have to go get my girl before it's too late.

"Here you go, sir." The attendant slides my card back to me and looks at me with a nervous but convincing smile. "Your flight will take off in about an hour. Today's a busy day here though, so I recommend that you go ahead through security right now before it begins to get crowded." She hands me my passport and my ticket to board the plane, plus my receipt. "Your total tonight came to $54.67, which came directly from debit card payment." She smiles at me again. "Have a nice flight, sir."

"Thank you." I mutter, shoving everything in my pocket and looking around for a place to sit. I appreciate the attendant's help and all that but I don't have a reason to get through security right now if my flight doesn't take off for another hour. I don't have bags or anything on my person that needs to be gone through, with the exception of my phone. I didn't give myself time to pack anything up or bring anything with me. I read the text message that said she'd been asked out on a date and went ballistic. I told her I had to go because I was at work when in reality, I started turning off all the lights in my house and locking up so I could come here, to the airport. I didn't pack anything, I didn't prepare to stay in Boston. All I was thinking about is Jo and how much I needed to see her. I don't know what I'm going to do about clothes and all the things I completely forgot about before I left, but I'll figure it out. I just need to get to Jo.

I sit down in the row of cushioned chairs in my terminal waiting area and dig my phone out of my pocket. I rub my hand over my forehead and massage my temple, hoping to free myself from the mercy of this migraine. I try to distract myself with the thought of the fact that in less than seven hours, I'll be in Boston at Jo's house. I'll be seeing her soon enough and if that's not enough to take away my headache, I don't know what will. I almost took something to help my headache but then I remembered that I'm running on nothing but alcohol here. I stop rubbing my head and look down at my phone. It's 8:37 here in California right now which means it's 11:37 in Boston. She had classes today so she's most likely asleep right now. It's a five hour flight from California to Boston. I won't see Jo until around 5:30-6:00 her time and knowing what I know about her having issues falling asleep, I'm going to feel very guilty about waking her up at 6:00 in the morning. Maybe I can get her to stay awake...

I unlock my phone and go straight to Jo's contact. I tap the "call" button and hold it to my ear. It rings about six or seven times before her answering machine picks up. While I'm not surprised that she didn't answer, I am hurt. My heart hurts at the fact that she didn't answer. I sigh and swallow hard in an attempt to prevent my speech from slurring during this message I'm about to leave her. "Hey Jo..." I clear my throat and hold my head in my hands again. This time, I'm not holding my head because of my headache, I'm holding my head because I really feel that tears about to come barreling out of my eyes. "I'm just calling to uh...tell you that...I'm coming. So don't...don't go to sleep tonight...don't fall asleep. 'Cause I'm on my way. Love you." I clear my throat again and hang up the phone. I know that she's probably already asleep but on the off chance that she's in the shower or actually went on a date with the dick that asked her out, I wanted to leave the message anyway. I miss my girl so much. I miss everything about her; her hair, her legs, her arms, those lips...god, those lips. I'll be kissing those lips soon though. Just an hour until I'm on my way to see her.

I sit all the way back in the chair I'm sitting in and close my eyes. It's been the longest two weeks without her. The longest two weeks of my entire life. Two weeks spent sitting at a desk, two weeks spent drowning my sorrows in liquor. Am I crazy for this? Am I crazy for having fallen so deeply in love with her in such a short amount of time? I've been knowing Jo for three months. I've known her since the beginning of June and it's the beginning of September now. Me and Jo have come such a long way from her hating my guts and me thinking she was the most annoying human being on the planet. Long way from me stepping on her thong and offering to buy her lunch after seeing her empty fridge. From going inside a burning building to make sure she got out alive and from swearing up and down that we were going to be friends and nothing more. Going in that burning building to get her was the smartest thing I've ever done. Just sitting here, thinking about us—our story makes me realize more and more how big of a dope I am for thinking that letting her go to Boston was the way we end. I had a dream about the way we end last night... a drunken dream, but a dream nonetheless. And sitting here in this chair with my eyes closed, I put myself back in the middle of that same dream I had last night...

"_How was work?" She walks through the back door and straight into the kitchen, where I'm standing at the stove stirring the spaghetti sauce in the pot. She worked until 7:30 tonight and I know these shifts have been kicking her ass lately so I just thought it'd be nice if I had dinner waiting for her when she got off today. I'm not much of a cook but I remember some of the cooking lessons that Jo gives me. She's an excellent cook and I guarantee her spaghetti would taste better than mine does but I just don't think it would be fair for her to walk through the door after a long day of work and have to fix me dinner. I'll fix her dinner today. _

_She sighs and kicks her shoes off at the door. Her light blue scrubs crinkle as she hops up on the counter and sits down, swinging her feet. "Work was crappy." She sighs again. "...Dinner smells good though."_

"_Yeah? I'm trying." I chuckle, still stirring the sauce. "What made work crappy?"_

"_...You know, just...stuff." She reaches over and grabs the box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and grabs a handful of it. Her sparkly ring catches my eye. It's still surreal to see her sporting her wedding ring sometimes, even though we've been married for six months now. "I passed my test today, though..."_

"_Which test?" I bring the spoon up and taste the sauce. "You didn't say anything about a test this morning...I would've helped you study for it..."_

"_...My pregnancy test." I hear the smile in her voice and inherently drop the spaghetti spoon, choking with joy on the mouthful of sauce I just swallowed._

I open up my eyes again and sigh, with a new epiphany. You don't go in a burning building to save a girl for no reason. You don't take that girl across the country with you, fall in love with her despite your every effort not to and just let her go. That's not how me and Jo end. I'm no religious freak but hell, I sure believe that there's a higher being that brought me and Jo together. When Ppop first died years ago, I used to go to church. I'm not embarrassed by that or anything, but it's just not something I just go around telling people. But I did. After Pop died, I thought that maybe I should go. My grandmother used to drag me to church with her every Sunday when she was alive and I hadn't been back since she passed on, back when I was 17. After losing Pop, I just went back for a couple Sundays, just to see what it was all about. Not saying that the Catholic church made a believer outta me but for a while there, I did find myself praying. I wasn't necessarily praying to god or anything like that. In fact, I oftentimes caught myself talking to Pop.

He just always knew what to do in certain situations. He always knew what to do, what to say, the perfect advice to give me. He was just a smart guy. So I used to ask him to help me out because at the point of his death, I was a nobody. I was a struggling author that was having a tough time getting over an ex and finding it difficult to believe in anything, since the woman I thought I loved cheated on me and my best friend in the entire world was dead. I remember asking him if he could still help me out, even though he was gone. I asked him if he could help me find the confidence to keep publishing, even though my first and second book didn't do so hot. A few months after that, I published my third book and it became my most successful bestseller. That made me a believer. Now maybe that was just a miracle but it was the kind of hope I needed. I asked him to give me luck with love...I just wanted someone to take the sting of Lucy away. After that, I had no luck with women. I either cheated on them or they turned out to be the biggest bitches. I think that made me give up on going to church and "praying" to Pop for anything.

But in meeting Jo, I'm starting to think that maybe, the good things take time. I wholeheartedly believe that if heaven is for real, Pop is up there watching out for me and making sure I turn out okay. After all, he did send me Jo. I asked him for months straight to help me find someone that was worth it all and it took a little longer, but I got her. I asked him for another best friend. I asked him for a better woman than Lucy. In Jo, I got both of those things. I found the best friend I've had since my dad died and I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Whether I believe in god or not, there's somebody up there looking down on me and that same somebody gave me the godsend that is Jo. I'd be a crazy fool to let her stay in Boston and marry someone else when I'm the one for her. I don't usually like to speak about the religious turn I took after losing my dad but that can be the only explanation, I think.

It's not every day a man risks his life to save a girl he hated. Then, the girl he hated turns out to be the girl he _thought _he hated. That girl ultimately ends up being the woman of his dreams, his soulmate. He drags her across the country with him and falls in love with her and lets her leave? That doesn't sound like a good ending. You know...I've spent the majority of my adulthood writing fictitious love stories. I write these books and I control the destiny of my characters. If I want them to end up together, I'll make them end up together—no matter how many bumps in the road they have to take to eventually be together. I've also spent a good portion of my adulthood drilling it into my brain that real life is not one of my love stories and in reality, the guy almost never gets the girl. I'm aware that things in my own love life are things that I can't control, unlike my books. But...boy meets girl, boy saves girl, boy falls in love with girl and boy lets girl go isn't even a story that I would I write. I actually have control of the way my love story turns out and I'm sitting here in an airport trying to fix it after I fucked it up. I pinch the bridge of my nose and look down at my phone to see if Jo called or texted me back and to see how much time has passed since I'm sitting here in my drunken stupor reflecting back on the relationship I messed up. Only ten minutes have passed. I sit back and close my eyes again.

"_I'm am SO sorry, baby." She overturns the bottle of aloe lotion and squeezes some of it into her hand. She rubs her hands together and rubs the lotion all over the broken skin on my back. She digs the palms of her hands into my back and massages me while she rubs lotion on it. "I'm so sorry." The lotion is kind of stinging the open wounds on my back but it's not unbearable and it's definitely not something she needs to apologize for. "I'll be careful next time, I promise. I won't do this again." She squeezes more lotion on her hands and rubs it all over my back. "This looks so bad..."_

"_Jo, it's fine...I'm fine." I crack a smile and turn around after she's done rubbing lotion on my back for the second time. "It's technically my fault, isn't it?" I put my hands on her shoulders and hold her still while I kiss her lips. She smiles through the kiss and wraps her arms around my neck. I put my hands on the rim of her towel and unroll it. She shoves her tongue in my mouth and deepens the kiss as her arms unhook from around my neck and go down to my towel, which is wrapped around my waist. We just got out of the shower so if this goes any further than just us kissing and touching, we're going to have to take another shower. As I'm kissing her, flashbacks of what we just did an hour ago run through my mind. The reason I have the deep scratches on my back isn't necessarily her fault as much as it's my fault. The scratches don't hurt while she's putting them there because while she's scratching my back, I'm focused on something else. They only hurt after the fact. I kind of like when she scratches my back though. It lets me know that I'm in there deep and doing her good. I kiss her deeper and guide her to lie flat against the bed. _

_She immediately opens her legs and lets me between them, running her fingers through my hair and pulling when I suck on her bottom lip. I tear her towel off and let her take mine off. I move my lips down to her neck and grip my hand underneath her leg and force it to the side. I suck on her neck so hard with the intention of giving her a hickey, just to make us even for her scratching my back up they way she did. I hear her breathing stutter in my ear and just like an hour ago, she wraps her legs around my waist and locks them tight so I can't move. When she did that an hour ago, I was fine with it because I had a condom on so it'd be okay if I busted but if we end up having sex right now and she keeps her legs around my waist like that, I won't be able to pull out. "Alex..." She calls my name, her voice cracking between the breaths of pleasure. I mumble, "hmmm?" to answer her and keep kissing all over her neck. "We used...the last...condom, you have to buy more." She's trying to push me away but in the same token, she won't take her legs from around my waist. Ever since her pregnancy scare last month, she's been adamant about using condoms when we have sex. I just bought a box of condoms at the beginning of the week and they're gone already? "...Alex." She unwraps her legs and pushes me away. I sigh and stop kissing her. She looks really upset. "...Sorry..again. I'm sorry...I...I knew, okay? I knew we didn't have condoms and I got you all ready." She sits up straight and covers her body with her towel. I sigh again and cover myself up too. I'm not mad at her by any means and I completely understand that she wants to have protected sex. I just got hard and it's taking me a minute to get rid of it, that's all. Still, she's looking at me like she wants to apologize. "I'm sorry." She looks like she might cry. Her eyes are lined with tears and she won't look at me. "...It's okay, we can..." She starts taking off her towel again. "Just pull out, okay?"_

"_Jo, what's the matter?" I start pushing her hands away, forcing her to stop taking off her towel. "Babe, if you said no..." I just stare at her, trying to figure out why she's so upset. Does she think I'm mad at her? "If you said no then you said no. I'm not gonna dispute that. You told me no." She looks down at the sheets on the bed and her eyes are low. "Don't ever feel like you have to give me sex." She's still looking down. "Hear me?" I put my hand underneath her chin and lift her head. She looks at me with those big, pretty brown eyes and tears lining the rims of them. "Don't ever feel like that's something you need to do to keep me happy, Jo...because it's not. I could care less if we never have sex again. I'm not with you because we have sex. Got that?" She nods slowly. I catch her drift. She's never really told me all about it but I get the idea that she was probably forced into having sex or she probably felt as if she needs to have sex with a man to keep him happy. She's felt that way before. I'm assuming she doesn't want to talk about it though. "You're not forced with me." I whisper to her and she nods slowly again. "I love you."_

"_Love you too." She mumbles and twists a lock of her hair around her finger. Seeing her so upset over feeling like she needs to have sex with me is breaking my heart. I lean forward and put my lips against her cheek which makes her crack a smile. "...Alex?" She lets her hair go and looks up at me. I raise my eyebrows at her to let her know I'm listening. "...I really do love you."_

"**FLIGHT #256 TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS NOW BOARIDING!"**

The intercom breaks my thoughts and I open my eyes to see that the airport is pretty packed, even for it being 9:00 at night on a Tuesday. I stand up from my chair and have to steady myself before I walk once again. I'm such a high-functioning drunk that sometimes I forget that I actually _am_ drunk until I start to walk...and then when I start to talk. I look down at my phone again and find that she still hasn't texted or called me. I guess it's a little strange that Jo didn't text me or call me back but I'm not going to sweat it. She's probably asleep. But it doesn't matter anyway because I'm going to see her. So I steady myself and head off in the direction of airport security, with a goofy little smile on my face. I'm going to see my Jo... you know, now that I think about it...

Me and Jo would make a good story to tell someday, wouldn't we?


	51. Any Minute

"_Thanks again for bringing him, Jo." Helen thanks me but doesn't actually look at me. She's too busy looking down at the little bundle in her arms to pay attention to me and I'm not in the least bit offended. Alex tends to have that effect on people. Whenever he's in the room, everyone's attention goes to him and that's just the way it is; that's why I'm not offended nor am I surprised that Helen's not making eye contact with me while she talks. "If it was up to Alex, I don't think we'd ever get the chance to see him in person. I was talking to him in the kitchen about it earlier and you know what he says, he sends pictures all the time. He doesn't get that pictures aren't the same." She lifts her arms up as she lowers her head down and puts her lips against his chubby little cheek. "It's much better to see him in person...and hold him...and kiss him. Give him grammy love..." _

"_I just think Alex has an issue with sharing him..I don't really think it's anything personal, Helen." I scrape up some baked beans from the helping on my plate with a spoon and put them in my mouth. I chew with my mouth closed and grab the can of Brisk Iced Tea that Alex got for me before he went down to help Amber take off the pool cover. "And I told him about that. When I tried to bring him last week, he told me that he just sent you guys pictures on Facebook. He really doesn't get that pictures aren't the same." I sigh and take a sip of my tea. I swallow and lick my lips. "He'd never admit it, but..." I crane my neck and look down over the hillside at the pool. Alex and Amber are laughing hysterically, enjoying each others' company as they splash one another with the rain water that collected on the pool cover. "I think he actually likes coming back to Kansas."_

"_You're probably right, Jo." She smiles and slips her finger into the palm of Alex's hand. Just like he does whenever I put my finger in his hand, he squeezes her finger and moves his tiny little sock-covered foot. "So tell me about him...since Alex has told me virtually nothing. What's he like so far? Good sleeper? Good eater? Is he fussy?" _

"_He's a good sleeper." I nod my head and reach down on the ground to grab his diaper bag. He hasn't been changed in a while and even if he's not wet, his gauze probably needs changed. "Like I said earlier, he sleeps through the night most of the time. And he's a good eater too. I'm still having a hard time getting him to latch when I try to nurse him but he takes it from a bottle with no problem, so I've been pumping an awful lot. He'll eat an entire eight ounces in one sitting so he's pretty good with eating." I grab a diaper from his bag, the travel-sized container of Vaseline I keep in there and a package of gauze. "And he's not fussy at all. He's pretty calm and not very temperamental. He only cries when he's hungry...or sometimes Alex will mess with him by taking his pacifier out of his mouth and that pisses him off. But other than that, we've got a pretty calm baby." I close his bag and put it back on the ground. "Can I see him to change him?" I hold my arms out._

_She leans forward and hands him over to me. "He's such a precious angel." She's looking at him with adoration in her eyes and that makes me happy as well as it makes me sad. She absolutely adores him and after this weekend, she probably won't see him again for at least a month or two. That makes me so sad. She's his grandmother and she won't be able to see him as often as she deserves to. I think I'm going to try to make sure that me and Alex make the trip to Kansas at least once a month. One weekend out of every month won't hurt anything. "Did Alex tell you that I've got a great big bag of clothes upstairs for him?" I concentrate on squeezing my knees together to create a surface sturdy enough for Alex to lie on as I pull off his pants and undo his onesie. I shake my head to answer her. "Oh yeah...I've got a big bag of clothes upstairs for him. I went with Amber to the mall one day last week so she could buy an outfit for her college graduation and I had to stop in the Baby GAP store. I might've overdone it a little but anything for grammy's baby, right?"_

"_Helen..." I unstrap his diaper too and pull it down to look inside it before I completely change him. He's not wet and he's not poopy either, so I don't need wipes. I knew I wasn't going to need wipes, that's why I didn't bother to get them out of his bag. I've only been his mother for three weeks now but I'm pretty good with knowing his schedule. I've got his schedule pretty much down pact. I know when he's going to be poopy and I know when he's going to be wet. I'm surprising myself more and more every day with how good I've turned out to be at this whole "mommy" thing. "You really didn't have to do that. I...I don't really know what to say. Thank you so much. You really didn't have to do that for us. Especially with the way Alex treats you guys sometimes...you didn't have to go out and spend all that money on the baby." I take the cap off the Vaseline and rub my finger on the inside so I can gather up a bit of it. _

"_Don't worry about it, Jo. I don't have a problem with spending money on my grandbaby. I'm not spending money on Alex's ungrateful behind. I'm spending money so little Allie can have nice things. He deserves nice things." She stands up from her chair and starts to gather up all the trash. I start rubbing the Vaseline on his circumcision scab and examining it while I rub. Being a doctor has its perks sometimes, especially when you have a newborn. His scab looks like it's healing better today. "Aww...is it still bothering him? Alex told me last week that his incision wasn't doing so good..." She hovers over me and takes a look. "Did the doctors mess it up?"_

"_Yeah." I take a piece of gauze and wrap it around my baby's stuff, just to make sure the diaper doesn't rub against it and irritate it. "They took him away to circumcise him and I had to get some blood work done while he was away. I should've gotten the blood work done before they took him away because I guess he inherited something from me that gives him an intolerance to the numbing medicine they use to numb their little things. So when they went to give him the shot to numb him up, it didn't work and they didn't know. So when they started clamping and cutting, I guess he screamed bloody murder and started moving around, even though they strapped him down. All his squirming caused them to make the cut wrong." I strap a fresh diaper on him and button up his onesie. "He'll be okay. They corrected it, he can pee right and he's circumcised but it's healing pretty slowly."_

"_Awww, poor peanut." She bends down and kisses Alex's forehead. _

"_Yeah...He's tough though." I put my hands up underneath his armpits and pick him up. "You're tough, aren't you bubbles?" I kiss his cheek and force his head on my shoulder. He was six pounds even when he was born and now, three weeks later, he's eight pounds of pure cuteness. Eight pounds of chubby belly, chubby cheeks, silky brown hair and his dad's features. "I was crying about it more than he was." I rub his back in circles and rock with him. I rest my cheek against his silky hair and rub his butt too. All of a sudden, Alex and Amber come back on the patio, soaking wet from their little water fight. _

"_Gimme my baby?" Alex walks over to me and holds his arms out. _

"_Not while you're soaking wet like that. I don't want him to get sick. It's not all that warm out here." I kiss his cheek and move on from his butt and start stroking his hair. "And I'm trying to put him to sleep." I stroke his hair downwards. As soon as I say that, he coos ever so slightly in my ear and moves his head. "Alexxx..." I take him off my shoulder and lay him in my arms. "Alexxx..." I call his name again and his eyes are so heavy, he's barely keeping them open. "You're sleepy, aren't you peanut?"_

"_Give him here." Big Alex holds his arms out again. He took off his wet shirt and he's shirtless now. I ignore him and keep rocking the baby. "Jo, gimme my son. Come on, I missed him. I wanna hold him...give him here." I nod my head, give little Alex a kiss on his lips and hand him to his daddy. "Thanks." He mutters, holding the baby up in the air. "Hey buddy..." He kisses him directly on his lips and like a natural, he lies him on his chest and carries him over to the chair so he can sit down. "I know, these people are boring you to death. I'd want to go to sleep too...come on, let's go night-night." I sit back and watch the two of them interact. Big Alex is so good with little Alex, it's unreal. He lies him on his chest and rubs his back and my heart melts. "You want to hear a story? I'll tell you the one about how I met the love of my life, okay?" I crack a smile at that. Alex looks down at the baby and starts telling him the story. "So one day, this girl came into my dad's store...that's right, your grandpappy's store...and she wanted a job..."_

_Back when I was younger, a naive 23 year old that was infatuated with the idea of being in love with Michael Evans, I realize that I was just in love with the idea of...being in love, really. I thought that having Alex's baby would make me happy and realize what I wanted out of my life. It did, by the way. Having baby Alex made me realize that this is what I wanted out of life and I'm the happiest girl in the world right now. But really, having baby Alex made me realize just how much I really, really love big Alex._

I pick my head up out of my legs and rest my chin against my knees, inhaling a deep breath through my nose and exhaling through my nose as well since my mouth is occupied. For a minute there, I was sure I died. I was so sure that I actually swallowed the pills, died and being back in Kansas with Alex, holding our baby was me drifting off into a peaceful slumber that I wouldn't wake up from; a slumber called heaven. Who was I kidding though? Even when I think I do, I don't have the balls to commit suicide. I'm not strong enough to do that. I'm so weak. I crack a smile and laugh, not because I'm happy but because I'm the biggest joke to ever exist. I turn my head to the side and spit my mouthful of water and pills out right onto the bathroom floor. The pills and water make noise as they hit the floor and now that I've officially chickened out of suicide for the third time in my life, I'm sitting here on my bathroom floor trying to make sense of my life. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and put my head back down. I can't stop laughing at myself. What a joke my life is. What a joke I am. I'm such a pathetic waste of life. Why was I ever even born? Seriously, if I can't do anything right, what is the point of my existence? I can't even kill myself right. I fail at everything, including suicide.

Still giggling at what a pathetic excuse for a human I am, I lift my head out of my knees again and rest it against the wall behind me. I push my hair back, away from my face and hold onto my ankles while I sit here in darkness, thinking about how piteous my life is. Even from the beginning, my life was so superfluous. Get left at a fire station when you're two weeks old...such a pathetic human being that not even your own mother could love you. Everything snowballs from there, I guess. I used to think that being unloved by your biological mother was as bad as it could get but I was wrong. There are worse things in the world. Like being bounced around from abusive foster home to abusive foster home, the first real people to ever love you dying before you turn twenty years old, your house burning down, losing the man you love...there totally are worse things in the world than being despised by your parents. I'm beginning to believe that I really am unlovable.

I've always kind of thought that maybe there was something wrong with me to make it so that it's literally impossible for people to love me but I'm really starting to believe it. Normal people don't have a life like mine. People aren't just kicked down time and time again like this for no reason, are they? My own mother didn't love me. She left me in a shoebox, at a fire station when I was two weeks old. The first foster home that I can remember, I got taken out of because those people were really abusing me. The only reason the cops found out about it is because we had school physicals in Kindergarten and the nurse saw that my tailbone was really misaligned and she reported it. I remember having to tell the police that my foster father kicked me down the steps once for spilling his beer and that's how I broke my tailbone. My last foster home was the one where those people burned me with cigarettes and locked me in the basement as a punishment. There were a bunch of crappy foster homes between the first one I remember and the last one but I made it a point in my life to forget about those. Then, I actually manage to get adopted by good people and they die on me, before I was done needing a mother and a father. I find a best friend in college and her boyfriend ends up raping me. Then I find a boyfriend of my own in college and the guy hits me for saying no to sex. Now, I meet Alex and whether I like it or not, I'll probably never see him again. There's a such thing as bad luck and a such thing as just having a shitty life. This many things don't go wrong in a person's life, do they? What's wrong with me? I'm unlovable.

By this time, I'm almost certain that my dreams of getting married and having babies to Alex is practically unattainable. I'm done being a dreamer and thinking that there's good in everybody. I'm done being a naive 23 year old that believes that it's possible for a person's every dream to come true as long as they work towards it. I just want to be realistic. And realistically, I probably shouldn't have turned down Trevor. He was a nice guy that showed interest in my miserable ass and I shut him down before I even thought about giving him a chance. Realistically, I'll never be with Alex again. I'll never marry him and have our freaking princess wedding and our baby Alex. I spend all my time dreaming about the relationship I used to have with him and the time I don't spend thinking about what we had, I spend dreaming about the life with him and our child that I won't have. I should just pull my head out of my butt and be realistic for a change.

Sighing, I let go of my ankles and prepare myself to stand up. I guess maybe the reason I keep reverting back to thinking about Alex and the time we spent together is that when I was with him...I was happy. For the first time since my mom and dad were alive, I was happy. I didn't have a single care in the world, I actually felt important and dammit, I felt loved. When I was in Alex's presence, I didn't feel like that crummy foster kid I grew up as. I didn't feel like I was drowning and suicidal. I felt like myself. I felt like Jo. I felt like it wasn't unimaginable that someone like him could find someone like me desirable. And for the first time in my life, the thought of me being unlovable was never in the back of my mind when he kissed me. I think that's why I keep reasoning about him, chasing after the things I had and the things I want back.

I stand up from my spot on the bathroom floor and even though it's dark in here, I still know where the puddle of my spit, water and pills is at. I sidestep the puddle and flick on the bathroom light. When I look up, I'm unfortunately met with an image of my pathetic self. I'm wearing his dirty, raggedy wrestling t-shirt and a pair of plaid shorts. My hair is curly but limp and lifeless, matching the way I feel on the inside. My eyes feel heavy and they look horrible. They're red around the rims and hollowed out like I haven't slept in a month. I look away from myself in the mirror because honestly, I'm ashamed of what I see. I don't ever recall a time when I was truly happy with what I saw in the mirror but I can't say that I've ever been ashamed like I am right now. I'm ashamed of myself for a lot of reasons. One because I seriously haven't showered in days since all I ever think about doing is sleeping. But for the most part, I'm ashamed of myself because I actually failed at suicide once again.

I turn around and walk two steps to my shower. I sit down on the edge and start the water. I put my hand underneath the stream to test the temperature and once I'm sure that it's just the right mixture of hot and cold, I pull the lever that turns on the shower spray and shut the curtain. I take the smelly wrestling shirt off and drop it on the floor. I pull down my shorts and my panties and drop them on the floor as well. I go over to my cupboard and grab a towel, a washcloth and a bottle of body wash. I put everything down on the counter next to my sink and go back to grab the shampoo and conditioner. A chill shoots up my spine and makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as a tear trickling down my cheek tickles me. I didn't even realize I was crying. I don't even bother wiping the tear away though.

I grab the washcloth I got from the cupboard, the body wash, the shampoo, conditioner and step into the shower. I put my head down and let the water hit my back. I grab the shampoo and pop the cap off. Without my hair even being wet, I squeeze a boatload of shampoo into it and start scrubbing my head. I tilt my head back to get my hair wet so I can get my hair sudsier and scratch through my scalp to really make sure my hair is clean. I scrub the ends of my hair too and once I'm sure it's clean enough for me, I tilt my head back and rinse the suds out. I grab the conditioner and dump some of that in my hair as well. I massage the conditioner into my hair, getting the roots and the tip and let it sit while I start to wash my body. I really let myself go within the last couple weeks...I should be ashamed of myself for that. Once my body is clean, I hang my washcloth up on the rack inside the shower and pick up the shaving cream and the razor I stuck in the shower when I first moved into my apartment but haven't used since. I start out by shaving my armpits since they're the easiest. I move on to my legs when I'm done, making sure I shave my kneecaps too since they get hairy as well. I clean the razor off and squirt some more shaving cream into my hand. I rub it on my crotch and start shaving that too. Since I've finally found it within myself to bathe, I might as well shave my vagina too, right? I put my leg up on the edge of the shower to make sure I get my bikini lines really good and shave in the area leading up to my butt as well. I clean the razor off again, put it back next to the shaving cream and start rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

I lean forward and shut off the shower water. I pull the curtain back, step out and wrap my towel around my body. I grab another towel for my hair and stand in front of my sink. Dreaming about Alex and our fictitious baby helped me out for tonight, it seems. Tonight, it helped. It was enough to keep me from swallowing those pills tonight. I don't know what's going to help me stay alive for the rest of the times when I contemplate suicide but for tonight, it was just thinking about how much Alex loved me and the fact that I could've been happy with him if we had a baby. I fling on the faucet to my sink and grab my toothbrush. I wet the toothbrush, put some toothpaste on it, wet it again and start brushing my teeth. When I'm done, I put my toothbrush back and take off my hair towel. I rub the towel along my hair to dry it to a damp extent. I toss the towel on top of my hamper and grab my brush. I brush my hair back into a sloppy bun, tie it up with two ponytail holders so it'll stay and open up my medicine cabinet again. Instead of picking up the Acetaminophen like I did before, I pick up the Tylenol PM and unscrew the cap. I take three pills to sleep for the night, swallow them with a little water from the faucet and close the medicine cabinet again.

I go over to my hamper and pick up the small broom and dustpan I bought the other day when I went down to the bookstore. I kneel down and start sweeping up the wet pills that I spit out earlier. I toss the pills in the trash, grab my hair towel and wipe up the water and spit. Once my bathroom is clean, I turn off the light and go back into my bedroom. I take my towel off and hang it up on my doorknob. I grab a pair of panties out of my dresser and put them on. I pick out an unpadded sports bra and put that on too because I'll probably end up crying myself to sleep tonight like I do every night and when I cry as hard as I usually do, my boobs tend to jiggle from my hysterical hiccups and I hate that. I roll some deodorant underneath my armpits and put on a pair of shorts to sleep in. I grab a pink tank top and put that on too. I shut off my bedroom light and stalk over to my bed. I put my phone on the charger, don't bother looking at the time and climb right into my bed for the night.

I made it through another day without him. I barely made it, but I made it. And I don't know what I'm going to do to get through tomorrow.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

_I count the ways I let you down on my fingers and toes but I'm running out... Clever words can't help me now. I grip you tight but you're slipping out... and I remember your eyes were so bright. When I first met you, so in love that night and now I'm kissing your tears goodnight. And I can't take it, you're even perfect when you cry... Beautiful goodbye. It's dripping from your eyes, your beautiful goodbye...It's dripping from your eyes. _I adjust my positioning in the seat I'm currently sitting in and rest my head against the window, finding eminent solace in the way the ride is bumpy as the bus driver is hitting each and every pothole on the road without a care. For some odd reason, I find it comforting how the roads here aren't all that smooth as compared to the roads in Torrence. I fix my headphones on my ears and stare out the window while I listen to the song. I had never even heard of Maroon 5 until Jo introduced them to me. She said that I was living under a rock because I literally had no idea who Maroon 5 was. I haven't been living under a rock...I just prefer the old stuff, you know? The Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin, Styx, ACDC and the Stones are more my cup of tea. Maybe because I grew up listening to the stuff with Pop but I'm a little bit biased to the old stuff and I don't listen to the new stuff, which is why I didn't know who Maroon 5 was. She made me listen to a few of their songs and they're not so bad. My favorite is the one I'm listening to, "Beautiful Goodbye". I think I like it because for one, it's the first song of theirs that Jo made me listen to because it's her favorite song by them too. And two, I like it because it reminds me of Jo. Then again, a lot of songs remind me of Jo these days.

She never did text me or call me back. I'm guessing she's asleep which isn't that much of a stretch considering that it's now currently 6:48 in the morning. It was so weird when I got off of the plane earlier. I was listening to music my entire flight so I had my phone out the whole time, obviously. But anyway, I have my phone programmed to tell time based on my location so when I got off the plane, I literally watched my phone go from 3:20 in the morning to 6:20 in the morning to catch up with the time difference. That was probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. I also didn't realize how crazy I probably look. It's nearly 7:00 in the morning and I'm sitting on a bus that's driving through Cambridge, on my way to Boston to see Jo. I didn't sleep at all tonight. Instead, I spent the night flying on a plane and taking a bus across the country to see my girlfriend. I didn't even sleep on the plane.

While I was on the plane, I got excited about the fact that I was going to see Jo in a few hours. But I also started thinking about how much of a jerk I was towards her for calling her while I was drunk. Then I thought about how we missed each others calls more than we actually talked. And I remembered that she got an offer to go out on a date with someone. And it started to hurt so bad. I tried so hard to forget about what I had in my pocket but the pain of thinking about Jo dating someone that isn't me took over. And though I didn't make time to pack my bags for this trip, I somehow found the time to fill up my flask and stick it in my pocket. So I pulled out my flask on the plane and forgot all about the possibility of Jo dating. Just as the drunkenness was wearing off, I dusted off an entire 16 ounces of vodka in my flask and well...I'm too drunk to drive or properly sit up, hence the reason I'm taking a bus to Jo's apartment instead of a cab. I can function pretty well, of course. But there's no denying that I'm extremely intoxicated.

I just couldn't stop myself from thinking about her being on a date with someone. She told me she said no but what if she changed her mind? I couldn't stop imagining her smiling and laughing with someone else. The way her eyes squint when she's smiling and her boisterous, recognizable laugh, laughing at someone that's not me. Then her kissing someone goodnight with those lips that belong to me. Those soft, kissable lips. And what if that kiss led to something else? That ran through my mind too. Just thinking about somebody else being in between her thighs sickens me. Her doing that sexy little eye-roll when he kisses her neck. Or the way her fingertips would curl through his hair when he'd go deep. His lips would be on that beauty mark that only I know about...the one on the inside of her right thigh. And to top it all off, she'd be moaning _his _name. Man, I wish I had more booze.

I can't even think about Jo batting an eyelash at another man without feeling the anger pulsing through my body like it replaced my blood. When I first read that text message, I was on my laptop looking up flower companies in Boston that took orders over the computer because I was going to send her something, just so she knew I was thinking about her. I went to Walmart yesterday and I saw a bin of those giant, oversized stuffed animals. I was going to send her one along with the flowers, and send her a note that told her to cuddle with the bear when she was missing me. Then I read that text message and I don't remember how, but somehow, my MacBook got broken. I think my fist might've went through the screen but I'm not completely sure. I haven't been that angry in a very long time. Anger isn't even the word for what I was feeling..it was something totally different. It was fury...rage, even. I settled myself down by drinking, of course...and then I started thinking rational with the booze in my system. It dawned on me that my Jo is not that kind of girl. She would never sleep with another man so quickly and she would never start dating so soon. Ever. Jo's not like that and I had no real reason to worry.

The bus slows down to a stop and the driver opens up the door. I gather up my phone and the cord to my headphones and make my way to the front of the bus. "Thanks." I mumble to the older man and climb down the steps. Conveniently enough, the bus let me off right in front of Jo's apartment building. It's very, very quiet on these streets; as it should be for 7:00 in the morning. The sun hasn't even risen yet and the morning air is quite brisk. I climb up the small flight of bricked steps and pull the door open to the main lobby of the apartment complex. I hold onto the railing and climb up the steps since Jo's apartment is on the second floor. I stumble a little bit in my drunken stupor but end up making it to her apartment. I don't know what to think about the fact that I'm actually standing here, in front of the door to her apartment. I have a feeling that I'd have a lot to think about and a lot to feel if I wasn't drunk off my ass like this. I'm so drunk though...my feelings are numb. The only feeling I have is excitement and anticipation to see her and that's it.

I rest my finger against her doorbell and push hard. I'm not sure when her first class of the day is but I'm pretty sure that it's not at 7:00 in the morning. She should be answering any minute now. Any minute now...

Any minute...

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

I pick my head up off my drool-stained pillow and have an instant headache. I can already tell that this is going to be a bad day. I just woke up in the worst mood. I'm probably in a bad mood because of course, the night I choose to actually have a decent night's sleep, SOMEBODY has to freaking wake me up. I was sleeping so good though... I feel my bottom lip slide out from underneath my top lip and my eyes start to sting as if I'm about to start crying. I just want to sleep. Why would someone wake me up? I wasn't even dreaming about Alex. I don't know what the hell I was dreaming about but it wasn't about Alex, for once in my life. And now I'm being woken up? I sigh and rub my eyes. To add insult to injury, whoever it is that's waking me up won't stop ringing my freaking doorbell. _Maybe if I ignore it long enough, they'll go away..._ I rub my eyes again and yawn. When I open my eyes, I immediately look over at the clock and am instantly irritated when it boasts a very early, "7:05". It's seven in the morning, WHO is ringing my goddamn doorbell at seven in the morning?! Suddenly, added to the doorbell ringing is intense knocking. Whoever it is really wants me to wake up. I sigh and pull my covers back. I was sleeping so peacefully...

I run my hand through my still damp-from-my-shower hair and snatch up the ponytail holders lying in my bed. I must've truly been sleeping hard for my hair to fall out of my bun. I fell asleep at 12:30 last night. For the first time in FOREVER, I actually fell asleep before 1 a.m.. I'm so irritated that I'm being woken up. I slip the ponytail holders on my wrist and irritably rip open my door and stomp through my apartment, picking my underwear out of my butt. I really might get evicted today because I'm 90% sure that this is my landlord waking me up and if it is, I'm going to curse him out. He's been bugging me lately about getting the duplicate key to my apartment back. I'm not supposed to keep the duplicate key; I was supposed to have given it back already. I snatch the damn duplicate key up from my TV stand where it's been since I moved in here and rub my eyes again. The knocking is so intense and the doorbell ringing is annoying me to no extent. I don't even bother looking through my peephole, unlock my latch-lock and my door lock and fling my door wide open, preparing to scream at the stupid fucker that thought it was okay to come knocking on my door at SEVEN IN THE MORNING.

"Look-" I begin my yelling spiel but as soon as I get a good look at the person standing in my doorway, I shut my mouth. Now I'm not so sure if I was really woken up from my sleep. I think I'm still sleeping. I think I'm dreaming. My hand falls down from the grip on the doorknob I had and my mouth falls open. He's standing in front of me. Red-eyed, hair tousled and looking so lost. Wearing a gray t-shirt and black jeans...looking just like he looked in my dreams. I'm still dreaming. I have to be. There's no way. "...Alex?" Saying his name is so surreal. Feeling the syllables roll off my tongue while I'm actually calling his name makes my knees feel weak. I'm dreaming. I'm so dreaming. And if I really am dreaming, this is so cruel. If I'm dreaming, someone wake me up. I don't want to have this sweet dream and fall into the depths of depression when I have to wake up. We're standing no more than two feet in front of each other and I can't even move any bone in my body. Please wake me up before I reach out to touch him while he turns into a puff of dream-induced smoke.

He breaks the stillness. He's the one that reaches out and wraps one hand around my waist, pulling me close to his body. I can actually feel him...his hand is on my hip and he's not turning to dust. "I told you I was coming home." He whispers to me before his lips come crashing down, meeting mine and we share the very kiss I longed for. He's here? He's real? I feel him. And this just in, I taste him. His breath tastes like hard liquor and I just know that he's been drinking. But he's here. If I can feel him, hear him and taste him, he has to be here, doesn't he? He smashes his lips against mine harder and that's when I just...lose my mind. He's not a dream.

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him towards me, into a kiss far deeper than the kiss he was just giving me. My heart...oh god, my heart. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I pull out of the kiss and put my hands against his cheeks so I can get a good look at him. Is it really him? Please god, don't tell me that I'm hallucinating. His stubble is just the way I remember it, so I stroke my hands along his prickly chin. Those eyes...equally brown and green, like I remember them. That fluffy brown hair. I reach my hand up and touch his hair. I bring my hands down and examine his muscles. I really think it's him. "Alex." I bury my face in his chest and squeeze my arms around his waist. Please hug me back...if it's really you, you would- Interrupting my thoughts, he combs his fingers through my hair, rests his hands in the middle of my back and starts stroking me with the tips of his fingers. It's HIM! It's my Alex. He just did it! He just did it! "Alex..." All I can say is his name before I'm overcome with joy. I squeeze him tighter and uncontrollably, inconsolably, sob. Loud, too.

He moves his hands down to the backs of my legs and I take his hint. I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me up. I bury my face in his neck, wrap my arms around him and squeeze again. "I missed you so much, girl." I nod my head and grip onto his hair while I squeeze my arms around him. "I love you...don't forget that. You're my heart, Jo..." I think he's crying too. His voice is cracking and even though he's drunk, not even the liquor would make his voice crack like that. Only tears would. "I dunno what I am without you...you know that?" He's definitely crying. "My everything... I told you I was coming home." He's here. He's right here...I'm holding him. He's right here. He's here. I can't stop crying. I can't even speak. I've never been this happy in my entire life. I feel like... I feel like I just got my life back. He's here... "I'm right here, Jo." As if he read my thoughts, he whispers that directly in my ear and kisses the top of my head. His speech is heavily slurred and he's struggling to stand upright so I know that he's really, really drunk right now but I don't care. He's here. "I missed you." He whispers. I squeeze him even tighter and my shoulders hunch up as another round of sobs rock my body. "I told you I was coming home."

"This...isn't your home." I shake my head and manage to choke out through my uncontrollable sobs.

"It is." He tightens his grip around my waist and puts his lips to my ear. "Wherever you are, Jo...wherever you are is my home. Got that?"

I just nod my head.

* * *

**A/N:** Time jump coming pretty soon, guys! :D


	52. Stumble

After being in his arms for what seemed like an eternity, I finally found the strength to let him go. I took my arms from around him and he put me down on the ground. I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him inside my apartment and that brief amount of time was enough distance for me. Before we even make it to my bedroom, I throw my arms around his waist again and put my head back on his chest. I'm still finding it so hard to believe that he's actually here. He came to see me. He left his home in California to visit me. I'm so happy that he's here but in the same token, I have so many unanswered questions. First of all, I would really like to know how the hell he managed to pull this off. I want to know how he managed to get the time off his brand new job to come see me. His boss must be really flexible with his hours to allow him to take the time off the job he JUST started to come to Massachusetts. Second of all, I want to know why the hell he's drunk. I can tell that he had been drinking a while ago because the way he's able to talk and hold purposeful conversations, it seems like his drunkenness is wearing off. But the fact remains the same that he's drunk right now and it's blatantly obvious. I'm just so glad that he's here though, so I really don't think I'll question it. I reach my arms up and wrap them around his shoulders and squeeze him. I slide my hands down to his waist and close my eyes. I just cannot believe he's here. "What time are your classes today?" He breaks the silence between us. He slides his hands down the back of my tank top and strokes my back with his fingertips.

"I don't have any." I nestle my cheek against his chest, right between his pecks and force his body tighter against mine. My vision starts to blur with tears and I blink them back. I had just about given up on ever seeing him again and look...he turns up on my doorstep and once again, makes the happiest girl to walk this earth. "Yesterday was orientation and today's an off day. I start real classes tomorrow." I close my eyes and take in this moment. After going an entire two weeks without even hearing his voice, he's standing here in front of me, holding me and I feel him against my chest. I take my head off his chest and look up at him. He puts his forehead against mine and kisses my lips. His breath is so nasty. I bring my hand up and hold his face still while I kiss him so deep, liquor breath and all. He bends his knees slightly, puts his hands against my lower back and picks me up again. Instead of kissing him, I pull away and rest my head against his chest while he carries me towards my bedroom. "...You're drunk." I finally feel comfortable enough to state the obvious. "I thought you told me you wouldn't drink again." I whisper that last part.

"But I'm here, aren't I?" He bends his knees again and gently puts me down on the bed. "I only had a little bit to drink...I'm not that bad." Once I'm down on the bed, he walks with a slight stumble back over to the door and shuts it. He's lying to me. He's had more than a little bit to drink; he wouldn't be stumbling around the way he is if he only had a little bit to drink. He drank a lot and I know he did. He's lying because he thinks I'd be pissed off if I knew exactly how much alcohol he's had and while he's right about that, I'm in no position to be mad at him right now. I'm too busy being overjoyed to be mad about him being drunk, even though I really do hate when he's drunk. I HATE when Alex is drunk. Ever since that time he came home late after drinking, I've hated when he drinks. To put it simply, Alex is a mean drunk. I'm not saying that he's a mean person by any means because he's truly not—he's a beautiful person. But when he's drunk, he's MEAN. When I'm drunk, I'm usually pretty playful and giddy and honestly, some of my best ideas come out of me when I'm drunk. But when Alex is drunk, he's mean. He pushes me, calls me a bitch, tells me to shut up and gets really verbally abusive while he's drunk and I hate that. I'm just hoping that his drunkenness doesn't ruin this moment because today is the first day I've been happy in two weeks. "Did I wake you up?" He starts to take off his shirt. I nod my head and begin to tie my hair back up into my bun since it's still pretty damp from my shower earlier. "We can go back to sleep then." He climbs onto my bed in nothing but his boxers and I pull the covers back for him.

"I don't want to sleep." I pull the blankets over the both of us. He leans back against my stuffed R2D2 which is rested against the wall and starts scrolling through his phone. I scoot over to him and put my head against his bare chest. I drape my leg and my arm across his body and watch him scroll through his phone. He's scrolling through his Facebook feed, which kind of doesn't set well with me considering that this is the first time in two weeks that we've seen each other but I guess I don't care as long as he lets me lay on him. "I'm not tired anymore. I just wanna..." My voice trails off as the annoyance becomes more prominent. _Is he really staring at his phone right now? _"I missed you, Alex. I want to spend with you." I reach up and snatch his phone. "Put your damn phone away."

"Jo, you're sleepy. I know you and I know when you're sleepy and you need to sleep, whether you like it or not." He takes his phone back off of me and unlocks it again. "Go to sleep, Jo." He holds his phone with one hand and with the other hand, he starts caressing my shoulder blade. "I love you, baby. Go to sleep, okay? I'll be here when you wake up." I'm kind of taken aback by the way he called me "baby". Alex never calls me that. Sometimes he'll call me "babe" or "bae" but never "baby." I think he slipped up by saying that. It's clearly the alcohol talking because he'd never call me his baby if he was sober. I kinda liked it...hearing him call me his "baby." I close my eyes and use my index finger to trace circles around his bellybutton while I begin to fall asleep. He stops my tracing by grabbing my hand and bringing it up to his mouth. He kisses my hand and starts to rub my body again. "I'll be here when you wake up."

I don't want to go to sleep, I really don't. What if I fall asleep and when I wake up, I realize that this was all just a dream? What if when I wake up, instead of my arm being draped across his body, my arm is draped across a pillow? What if he's just gone when I wake up? I don't want to sleep. But he's rubbing me and he's caressing me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear and how could I not fall asleep? But he said he'd be here when I wake up. He said he would still be here... "Promise?" I whisper, finally losing consciousness to sleep.

"I promise. I'll be here when you wake up." He tilts his head down to me and kisses my temple. It's so hard to believe that just a few hours ago, I was in the bathroom thinking of a way to kill myself. He's here though. He's here and he's with me and I love him so much. I missed this. The way he'd hold me and whisper to me and kiss me until I fell asleep. And the amazing nights' sleep I used to get in his arms too. And then, he'd wake up...in the morning with my drool all over him and he wouldn't even care. He wouldn't say anything and he would just let it go. He wouldn't make me feel bad about drooling all over him. "...Jo?" He opens his mouth and calls my name and for some reason, this time wen he opens his mouth, I can really smell the liquor on his breath. He must've been drinking his weight in alcohol for it to be this heavily on his breath. I'm too tired to talk back to him so instead of verbally answering him, I flex my arm around his chest to let him know that I'm listening. "Were you really sleeping before I got here?" He asks. I don't know what he's trying to imply but I just nod my head anyway. What else would I have been doing at seven in the morning? "Mmkay." He doesn't sound satisfied with my answer but if I'm being honest, I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he's trying to say and quite frankly, I don't care. He's still here and I don't care.

I really wish I knew what he was trying to imply though.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Yeah, I'm in Massachusetts." I trace my finger around one of Jo's many beauty marks on her shoulder and stare at her while she sleeps. I can't believe she's actually in my arms. I've spent the last couple weeks just dreaming about her...about having her in my arms, feeling her breathing against my chest and hearing her quaint little sleeping moans as she drools on my chest. I've been dreaming about this and now, she's actually in my arms. I use my free hand to hold my phone to my ear and use the other hand to peel her hair back, away from her ear. "I quit." I say that with slight apprehension because I know she's going to be pissed off when she finds out what I did but honestly, it feels good to say it. I quit...and it feels damn good. I don't know if I would've quit if I was sober but I quit and I couldn't be happier. "I know, mom. I know...I know. The job was nice but mom, I don't have to work. I know that sounds stupid but I don't. I don't have to work, I CHOSE to work. And I tried it but I can't do it. I won't do it. Sitting at a desk isn't for me, mom." I quit yesterday. Before Jo even texted me and told me she had been asked out, I quit. I hated the job for one and for two, I was probably going to get fired anyway for constantly showing up drunk. So I just quit. I cleaned off my desk after my shift was over, left a note on my desk and didn't show up this morning because I was on a plane. I hadn't planned on coming to Massachusetts after I quit. I was going to look for another job in Long Beach but I got that text from Jo and I had to come to Massachusetts. Coming to Massachusetts was the smartest thing I've ever done. "I did." I shrug my shoulders as she accuses me of quitting my job for Jo. "Say what you want mom, but...but I love her." I look down at my Jo and crack a smile. She's sleeping so very soundly. "I couldn't be without her. I couldn't stand to be without her. She's all I ever wanted, mom. I couldn't let her go. I love her too much."

I look down again and push her hair away from her face. Surprisingly enough, my mom doesn't sound too mad that I quit my job. I can't stand the fact that I'm starting to talk to her more and even more than I can't stand that fact, I can't stand that I actually look forward to talking to my mom every week. Jo made me promise that I'd talk to my mom and Amber more often after that visit to Kansas and here's the crazy thing; I actually listened to her. Now I talk to my mom once a week and I text Amber at least three times a week. Anyway, my mom doesn't sound angry. She seems okay with it. "Of course I'm taking care of her, mom. She comes first in my life." I assure her that I'm taking care of "her Jo" and look down to make sure that her arms are covered because it's a bit chilly in this apartment. I don't know how I feel about her calling Jo "her Jo." She's my Jo...nobody else's Jo...mine. But on the other hand, I do appreciate how much my mother likes Jo. She approves of her, she loves Jo, she desperately wants Jo to be part of the family and although I thought she was crazy for talking about us getting married at first, I think she's on the right track now. "She's sleep right now 'cause I got here around seven in the morning and woke her up."

Jo moves her head against my chest, moans a little and settles back down. The leg she has draped across my waist moves down a little and her arm tightens around me. She's sleeping pretty hard, it seems. "I don't know what I'm gonna do." I admit to my mom. I haven't clearly thought about what I'm going to do while I'm here in Boston but I do know that I'm not leaving Jo again. Whatever I chose to do, I'm going to make the decision based off of what is in the best interest for us as a couple. I'm not leaving her again. All being apart from Jo did was make me realize exactly how much I need her to survive. I can't live without her. Without her, all I do is drink and lie around all day. I can't go back to that. "I'm probably gonna keep the house in Long Beach..." I sigh. "No, I'm probably gonna have to go back. I didn't bring anything. I left everything there. My clothes, my shoes, my stuff...I left everything in California so yeah, I'm gonna have to go back. But I'm thinking that I'm probably gonna rent a house out here in either Boston or Cambridge. I'm gonna stay with her until she graduates...then we'll go from there, I guess." I sigh again. "I'm not gonna let her give up Harvard, mom. Why should she have to give up everything she's ever worked for? I'm not gonna let her. I'll stay here with her...med school's only four years. And the I guess we'll move after she's done. Or we'll stay here...whatever is better. We can stay in Massachusetts after she's done, we can move back to California...hell, we might even think about settling down in Kansas. We don't know...We'll play it by ear. But as it stands, I'm probably gonna be living in Massachusetts for a few years." That's the only thing I'm sure of in all of this. I'm sure that Jo's not giving up Harvard and I'm not leaving her. I'm sure that I'm going to be living in Massachusetts. "I know she could just go to UCLA, but I'm not letting her. She got into HARVARD, mom. What kind of boyfriend would I be to drag her to UCLA when she got into Harvard?" I listen to her yell at me about how she "was only making a suggestion". Sometimes my mom annoys me. "We're not gonna break up." I assure her. "And even if we do...I mean, oh well. I'm just not going to sit around in another state, sulking over missing my girlfriend. And I really don't think that me and Jo are gonna break up. Mom, she's the one. I'm sure of it. The most sure of anything I've ever been in my life. I'm sure. Jo's the one. She's the one...the one that I bring home to meet you guys, the one I put a ring on...she's it, mom. We're not breaking up."

My mom reassures me that I'm doing the right thing. "Thanks, Ma...means a lot." Alright, I love my mom and all that but I'm getting really tired of talking to her now. Plus, I'm starting to get a headache, which indicates that the liquor is wearing off and I'm getting ready to have a monster hangover. I can't believe how drunk I was when I first got here and I can't believe how drunk I still am. It's getting better though. It's wearing off and turning into a hangover. "I'm gonna go now, mom. Yeah, I'm gonna get some sleep too, before Jo wakes up." I rub my eyes and stifle a yawn. "Love you too, mom...okay...okay, bye." I hang up my phone finally and stick it next to me on the bed. Careful not to wake Jo, I pull the covers back just slightly, enough so I can lie down next to her without making her move or disturbing her. I bought this bed for her off the internet, back when I was furnishing her apartment for her. I was kind of worried that the bed wouldn't be comfortable enough since I bought it offline and not in the store, where I could've tested the softness. But it's actually really cozy. I'm proud of myself for that. Once I'm situated underneath the covers, I reach back down to cover the both of us up when something bright, vibrant, lime green catches my eye. Underneath Jo's arm, I see something green.

I wrap my hand around her arm and lift it up to see what the green thing is. Right underneath her armpit on the green thing is a black "Nike" symbol. I put her arm back down, sit up and grab onto the strap of her tank top. I pull the strap down and behold, just like I thought, she's wearing a bra. A bright green sports bra with black trim around the perimeter of it. Jo doesn't wear bras to sleep. _What is she wearing a bra for? WHY does she have a bra on? _I put her tank top back up and bite my bottom lip as I decide how to proceed. I thought something was up when I saw her answer the door with wet hair. Her hair was damp, like she had just taken a shower and I thought that was strange but I was too happy to see her so I didn't say anything about it. But now she has a bra on? And Jo doesn't sleep in bras, so why would she have a bra on? She never sleeps in bras. In fact, she told me that she CAN'T sleep in bras. I bite my lip harder. _She wasn't sleeping before I got here. _Her hair was wet and she has a bra on...and she took FOREVER to answer the door. I know what she was doing in here before I came, but I need to hear it from her. "Wake up, Jo." I put my arm against her shoulder and shake her hard. "Get up." I keep shaking her.

"Hmmm?" She lifts her head up and she has a bright red line streaking across her cheek. Part of me feels bad for waking her up when she was sleeping that hard but the other part of me feels like punching her in the cheek and making it even redder. "What happened? What's wrong?" Her voice is groggy and her eyes aren't even open. She brings her hand up and rubs her eyes, moaning as she wakes up.

"What the hell is this?" I snatch down her tank top strap and grab onto the lime green bra strap. She opens up her eyes, shakes her head and takes a deep breath as she continues to wake up. She doesn't say anything though, which to me, looks like she's coming up with a lie to tell. I know we technically weren't together because we broke up but really? She goes off and fucks another guy less than two weeks after we break up? I grip her bra strap and pull her closer to me and when I do that, that's when her eyes snap open and she looks at me with confusion clear across her face. I hear the seams of her bra pop as it rips from me squeezing it so tight. "What is this, Jo? What is THIS?" I pull her bra and hear it ripping some more.

"...A...a...a bra?" She looks down at my hand and starts breathing heavy. "It's a bra...why?"

"Don't you dare lie to me Jo, I swear to fucking God...I'll kill you." Her eyes widen when I say that. I didn't really mean that, I'm just pissed off. "Why do you have a bra on? Huh? Why do you have a bra on?" I'm half-tempted to let go of her bra and grab onto her hair instead. I can't explain why, but I really want to grab her hair and pull until she admits that she's been sleeping around. Maybe it's the booze talking. "Why are you sleeping in a bra?" She shakes her head at me, thinking of something to say. She's thinking of a LIE. I take a couple deep breaths, let her bra go and get up off the bed. "Where's he at? He still here?" I go over to her closet and tear the door open. She lied to me. I knew something was up, that's why I asked her if she really was sleeping before I got here. She LIED to my face. Well whoever was sleeping with my girl didn't have time to leave. Or maybe he jumped out the window, I don't know. "What's his name, Jo? Where's he live?!" She's sitting in the bed, clutching blankets to her chest and looking like she wants to cry. "You better answer me."

"WHO?!" Her voice is beginning to crack. "I don't know what you're talking about, Alex...I don't know what you're trying to say but..." She shakes her head. "...Nobody was here. It's just me." Her hair falls out of the bun she had it up in and she moves it out of her face. "...Come on, baby... let's go back to sleep." She pulls the covers back and gets up. She's walking over towards me slowly, like she's walking on eggshells and trying to be careful. "Come on..." She whispers, standing about five feet away from me. I must've ripped her bra pretty good because the strap is just hanging off her shoulder. "Come on."

She's trying to calm me down but I'm not having it. I grab her by her arms and force her against the wall. I'm careful not to hurt her though because I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to do that. But I back her against the wall and hold her by her shoulders. "Just tell me his name, Jo. Tell me his name."

"...Who's name?" She puts her hands lightly against my chest. "Alex...you're drunk. Really drunk...and...Why don't we just lie back down before you do something you're gonna regret?" She pushes me back. "Let's lay back down."

"Not until you tell me his name." I insist.

"Who's name though? I don't know what you're talking about...you might think that I'm lying but I really don't know. Who? Are you talking about Trevor? He asked me out...I said no...is that what you're talking about?" It makes me sick to my stomach how she's looking at me. She's looking at me like she's scared to death of me. I don't want Jo to be scared of me. But she's not making it any better by playing dumb and acting like she doesn't know what I'm talking about when she's CLEARLY wearing a bra and her hair is wet. If she's been having sex with someone else, she should just admit it. "I just want to go back to bed." She sighs. I have a feeling that if she knew how bad I want to choke her right now, she'd just admit to whoever she was fucking. If she knew that I'm seriously considering hitting her right now, she'd change her lies. "You're so drunk..." She whispers.

"Stop lying to me, Jo. I didn't come all this way to hear your bullshit lies. We can lie down and go to sleep as soon as you tell me the truth. Why are you wearing a bra to bed, why is your hair wet, why did you take forever to answer the door and WHY are you lying to me about it when I already know the truth? Stop lying, Jo. Who were you fucking?!"

"NO ONE!" She throws her hands up. "I washed my hair in the shower last night! My hair is thick, it takes a while to dry! I didn't blow dry it! I took forever to answer the door because you rung my doorbell at SEVEN IN THE MORNING, Alex! I wore a bra to bed so my boobs wouldn't jiggle if I started crying. I'm not lying to you!" She's so full of shit. That bra excuse was the shittiest thing she could've come up with. Everything else is plausible but that bra excuse was the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. "Alex, you're drunk...and you're paranoid...and you know how you get when you're drunk. Please just lie down and sleep this off."

"Take off the bra." I bite my lip and run my hand through my hair. If she won't tell me the truth, I'm just gonna have to find out for myself. She looks at me like I'm crazy but I'm dead serious. "Take it off. Now, Jo. Take it off." She sighs and starts slipping her arms through the straps so she can take the green bra off. She throws it on the ground and holds her hands out like she's surrendering. "Tank top too." She doesn't argue. She lifts the tank top up over her head and stands in front of me, shirtless. I take a step towards her and grab onto one of her boobs. I move it to the side, look for a hickey that isn't there and let it go. She's sexy as hell. I can't blame whoever it was for wanting her. I grab onto her other boob and move it to the side as well. No hickeys on her boobs. I get a little bit closer to see if I can find any evidence of anyone's mouth being on her. I brush my thumb over the beauty mark next to her nipple and squeeze her boob to cope with the overwhelming urge I have to put my mouth on her nipple. Just in case that punk actually did have his mouth on my girl's chest and didn't leave any evidence, I put my hand on Jo's waist and pull her closer to me. I lower my face to her chest, stick out my tongue and circle it around her that beauty mark. I want to be the last mouth to touch her chest. She runs her fingers through my hair.

"I wouldn't sleep with somebody else so soon, Alex. That's not me." She forces my mouth off her chest and looks me in my eyes. "I love you. Okay? Only you. I would only sleep with somebody I love." She kisses my lips. "You're drunk though, baby... We need to lie down...so you can sleep this off. When you wake up..." She strokes her hands through my hair again and kisses my forehead. "When you wake up, I'll make you such a good breakfast to feed that hangover. Okay?" I want to believe her...I really do. But... I don't know. Jo wouldn't sleep with someone. She's not like that. But the bra...and the hair...and...and...I don't know. I really don't know. I should just believe her. "Come on, Alex..." She keeps rubbing my hair. "What do I have to do to get you to come lay down with me?"

"You really didn't sleep around on me?" I bury my face in her neck and fight off tears. I don't know why I insist on being an asshole while I'm drunk. I really don't deserve Jo. She puts up with so much of my shit.

"No baby, I didn't. I told Trevor no. He asked me out and I said no. It's just me in here. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you." Hearing her tell me that she loves me is too much. Even though I tried my hardest not to, I start crying anyway. She wraps her arms around me and rubs my back to comfort me. "It's okay, baby. You were just scared...I would've acted the same way." She strokes my hair. "I would've done the same thing." I sniff. "You believe me?" I just stay quiet. I do believe her but those suspicions are still in the back of my head. I really want to believe her but those suspicions... The suspicions. "Alex, do you believe me?" I still don't say anything. She sighs hard and takes her arms from around me. Instead of having her hands against my back, she puts her hands on her own waist and starts messing around with her shorts. I pull away from her and wrinkle my brow. She's taking off her shorts and her underwear. "I didn't do anything with anybody. Look...you can check. You can check...I didn't do anything." She steps out of her underwear and stands in front of me, completely naked. "I wouldn't cheat on you. How could I cheat on the perfect man? I wouldn't..." She takes a step back so I can see her better. "When people cheat...they're looking for something that they're significant other can't give them. Alex, you give me everything by breathing. Love, companionship...great sex. There's nothing that I can get from anyone else. You give me everything."

Okay, how could I not believe her after that? She took off her clothes and offered to let me check her body. A guilty woman wouldn't do that. And that speech... how could I not believe her? I believer her. And I hate myself. I'm such an asshole when I drink. I'll never drink again though. And if I ever do...I swear I won't let it get this bad. I look down between her legs and smirk. She's just as sexy as I remember her being. She's perfect. But I keep smirking when I look between her legs. I think I'm sobering up, finally. I'm starting to get my playfulness around Jo back and that's how I know I'm sobering up. "...If you weren't doing anything with anyone, why did you shave?" I reach out and put my hand against the outside of her and stroke my fingers along it, admiring how smoothly she shaved. "You're still lying..."

"OH MY GOD, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" She blows up at me and I start laughing hysterically. Jo's so hot when she's pissed and it's also hilarious when she gets mad. "...You're joking? You're fucking joking?" She's pissed. "Alex, you gave me a heart attack!" She slaps my arm.

I keep laughing. "Babe, I knew you wouldn't cheat on me. I believe you." I kiss her on her lips. "You did have me scared for a minute there...with the bra and everything...but I was joking about the last part. You did do a nice job shaving though. It's all smooth..." I keep rubbing it and she smacks her hand away.

"Okay, now that you're gonna remember everything I say to you..." She picks up her clothes. "You really need to stop drinking, Alex. Stop drinking. I'm serious. I mean...it's okay to drink. It's fine to drink, whatever. But don't get that wasted. I shouldn't have to talk you down like that. You should never get that freaking wasted. I told you about drinking like that." I chuckle. The drunkenness is wearing off but I'm still a little loopy. "...You're so drunk." She shakes her head at me and leads me to the bed. "You're so drunk." She pushes me down on the bed. I laugh at her. "And you're laughing, Alex! You're laughing! I'm not! This isn't funny..." She might start crying. "...Alex, I really thought you were gonna hurt me." She stands in front of me, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Your drinking..it makes you so violent. And angry and Alex, I'm scared. When you drink...I get so scared. Last time, you were pushing me...and calling me a bitch. And this time, you grabbed me. You really...grabbed me." She pulls down the tank top she just put on, turns to the side and shows me deep, red fingernail prints embedded in the skin next to her right breast. "What if next time..." She swallows hard. "Please stop drinking. I don't like drunk you. Drunken Alex scares me."

She's standing in front of me, crying and pleading me to stop drinking. She said she's scared of me. I hurt her. I left marks on her body, all because I was drunk and thought she was cheating on me. I reach out and stroke my fingertips along the marks I left on her chest. They look like they hurt. I gotta stop drinking for her, man. I mean, I don't really have a reason to drink anymore now that I've got my Jo back but really...I have to stop drinking. If I don't stop drinking for myself, I'm gonna stop drinking for Jo. I can't keep hurting her, whether it's mentally or verbally. I gotta stop doing that. No more drinking for me. No more. "Love you, Jo..." I tell her.

I won't drink anymore.


	53. Right Now?

"Ouch!" I jump back, away from the stove as the sizzling hot bacon grease pops up and burns my forearm. I twist my arm in some convoluted way to assess the damage on my arm. It doesn't look so bad. It's just a grease burn. I rub it in a circle to try and rid myself of the pain, suck it up and grab my fork again. I stand off to the side so the grease doesn't pop on me again and turn the bacon in the pan with the fork. I turn my head and tuck my mouth into my shoulder while I stifle a yawn. I'm actually pretty tired still. I didn't go back to sleep after the big ordeal between me and Alex. I wanted to but as I laid there in my bed listening to the heavy snores of his drunken slumber, I just couldn't. I started crying so hard that my entire body felt weak and I thought for sure that the feeling of crying like that would've put me to sleep but it didn't. So I laid there and cried for about an hour before I decided that I needed to get up and make him something to eat to feed his hangover. This just isn't the reunion I had in mind for us. I didn't expect for him to be a drunken mess my first time seeing him in two weeks. I guess having him here is better than having him a million miles away, drunken or not.

I sort of knew that he was going to do something crazy. When I first realized that he was drunk upon opening the door to let him in my apartment, I knew that something was going to happen because that's just how Alex gets when he's drunk. Alex is the worst when he's drunk. He's so abusive, mostly verbally and sometimes physically. He's a horrible drunk. I had braced myself fr his words. Even though I had just woken up from a dead sleep, I knew what was going to be coming and I braced myself. And for the most part, I was prepared for him to call me a bitch and all the many terrible things he's called me before. I was ready for that. What I wasn't ready for was him accusing me of cheating on him. Even more so than that, I was totally blindsided by him shaking me out of a deep sleep to take off my bra. I've spent the last hour or so trying to forget how embarrassing and humiliating it was to stand there while he examined my body for evidence of me cheating. I just thought that he would believe me if I told him that I wasn't sleeping with another man. He should've believed me. I thought for sure our relationship had trust. I guess I was wrong but then again, I've been wrong about a lot lately.

Since the bacon is close to being fully cooked, I turn the heat down to low and walk back over to the counter next to my fridge to grab the pancake mix I bought from the store about half an hour ago. I know for sure that Alex is going to wake up hungover and I haven't gotten around to grocery shopping just yet so I walked two blocks down the street to the supermarket and bought breakfast food for his hangover. Don't ask why I haven't bought food for my house when there's a grocery store two blocks away. Just know that today is the first time since I left California that I've actually gotten out of bed before 3:00 in the afternoon. And it's the first time I've actually used my stove. I rip open the box of Bisquick and shake some of it into a glass mixing bowl without measuring it out. I like to think of myself as a pretty good cook...good enough to the point where I never measure anything out and I don't follow recipes. I open up my fridge and grab a carton of eggs. I crack a couple of eggs into the Bisquick and am interrupted by the loud buzzing of my phone. I wipe my hands on the seat of my shorts free of the egg yolks that splashed on my hands and go over to the counter where my phone is at.

I don't recognize the number that's calling me and I have half a mind to ignore the call. I pick it up anyway and slide my finger across the screen. I quickly turn the bacon off so it doesn't burn, sit down at my kitchen table and hold the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I call out to the person I don't know on the other end of the phone. While I wait for an answer, I cross my legs.

"Hi Jo, it's Helen." Her voice on the other end sounds energetic and really lively. I can't help but wonder why Alex's mom is calling me though. My stomach immediately ties itself into knots. "Is Alex around? I tried calling his phone and got no answer, that's why I'm calling you honey." It's like she just read my mind. I breathe a sigh of relief and attentively listen to her. "I talked to him earlier this morning and he told me he was in Massachusetts with you but now, of course he's not answering. Is he there?"

"He's actually asleep right now. Do you want me to tell him to call you back when he wakes up?" Now that I know I'm not in trouble, I stand back up and brace the phone against my ear with my shoulder so I can continue making my pancakes.

"Yeah, that would be great." I hear the sigh in her voice. I guess what she had to talk to Alex about was pretty important. I use a whisk to break up the egg yolks in my pancake batter and look around for the butter I bought since I can't remember where I put it. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you too, Jo." She says again.

"Okay." I find the butter and dump an entire stick of it into the batter. "What about?" I ask.

"Just about things, sweetie." She sounds cheerful about it so I know that I'm really not about to be yelled at or anything. I don't know why I feel so oddly comfortable talking to Alex's mother. I think it's the motherliness in her voice, maybe. I don't know for sure. Something about her makes me comfortable though. "Like how are you doing, honey? Is everything okay?"

"Um...yeah, everything's okay." I take the bowl of pancake mix over to the stove and sprinkle some sugar from the sugar shaker to sweeten the pancakes a little. I stir it again and clear my throat. "How are you guys?" I think she might be able to hear the fact that I'm confused. I'm just not sure what she's asking. "How's Amber and Donald? Are you guys all okay?"

She chuckles into the receiver. "Jo, I'm not gonna bite you, sweetie." I hear the air shift in the background. "Look, by the way Alex is talking, I'm pretty confident that you're going to be part of my family sooner or later and if that's true, I wanna know how you're doing. So when I ask you how you're doing, I really mean it. Don't ask about me, honey. We're all alright here. Now, how are you?"

I giggle softly and stick my finger into the mixture to taste it and make sure it'll make good pancakes. "I'm fine, Miss Helen. Everything's fine with me." I taste the pancake mix and am satisfied with it. "Alex and I are okay too. Things were tough for a while there but we're getting back on track it seems." I have that weird feeling that Amber calls "butterflies" in my stomach again. I got them when she said that she thinks I'm going to be part of her family someday. I don't think she has any idea how much I want that to happen. "I don't think we quite figured out what we're going to do yet but we're managing. We're doing well."

"Is Alex treating you okay, though?" She coughs softly into the phone. "Is he being good to you? Supportive? Taking care of you?"

"Yeah." I nod my head as if she can see me. "Alex is treating me well." I feel bad for lying to her. I bite my lip. "He came here drunk, but...I mean, he's okay. It's not too bad."

"He's been drinking a lot lately, actually." She sounds like she's gently dropping a bomb on me. "I've been talking to him about once a week. I was talking to him for a while after you left, too. He wasn't doing so good with it. Every time I would call him he was drinking. I told him that he needed to cut back on it but..." She clears her throat. "As long as he's treating you well though. You know, I remember him telling me about you...that you don't really have people you can talk to. I'm not trying to be pushy or all up in your business but I'm here to listen if you need to talk. Even if you need to vent about my son, I'll listen." I laugh at her when she says that. "You can laugh but I'm serious." She's laughing too. "I'm serious, honey. I'm Alex's mother...If anyone knows what you're talking about when it comes to Alex, it's me."

"I hear you." I bend down to look in my bottom cupboard for a skillet to make the pancakes in. "Alex gives me a lot to vent about too..." I sigh and start rubbing butter on the bottom of the skillet so the pancakes won't stick since it's not a nonstick skillet. "...Um." I bite my lip again and try to decide if I want to talk about this. She said I can vent to her about Alex whenever I want but I really don't want him to be angry with me for talking to his mom because I know for a fact when he sobers up, he's going to be really apologetic. He might feel like I'm attacking him if I tell his mom about it. "Can I please talk to you about something?" I stop buttering the skillet and sit down. "I mean... really talk?"

"I'm listening, Jo. I'm listening to you...go ahead and talk." She makes herself sound so supportive.

"...So you know Alex came here drunk. I don't know if you picked up on that when you talked to him earlier but he was. He was really drunk when he showed up on my doorstep and fine, whatever." I try so hard to blink back tears but I know that I'm going to cry. "Alex has been drunk around me before and yeah, he's mean...he's a mean drunk but I know how to deal with him when he's drunk. I don't like it but I know what to do to deal with it, I do." I cross my legs and hold the phone to my ear with my hand to give my shoulder a break. "But like..." I sniff and she's dead silent on the end of the phone which makes me feel good. She's listening to me. "He thought I was cheating on him and stuff and...I...he made me take off my clothes. I stood there naked while he checked me for hickeys and stuff and I know that's not n..." My voice cracks as tears stream down my cheeks. I thought I was done crying about this but I'm not. "I know that's not normal...for him to do that, I mean. It's not normal for your boyfriend to make you strip while he checks your body for evidence that you're cheating." I sniff and quickly wipe my eyes. "I don't know if I should talk to him. I don't know if I should bring it up...I know when he's sober he's going to apologize. I know that if he was sober he wouldn't have done that. H...he grabbed me pretty hard but...I just don't know." I sniff again. "What do you think I should do?"

"...First of all..." Her voice is so much different now. It was really cheerful a second ago but now that I've just poured my heart out to her, her voice is harsher with more intensity and she seems angry. "Jo, you make sure you have him call me when he wakes up. You make SURE he calls me..." Oh, she's definitely angry. "I may not have been there for his entire childhood but I know good and goddamn well that Alexander was not raised like that. His father would lay into his ass if he were here and he heard about this, believe that. James didn't play things like that. James taught Alex to respect women and what he did to you Jo, was DISRESPECTFUL and I WILL be talking to him about that. He will NEVER do that to you again, Jo. Ever."

"I just don't know what I should do." I have to be very honest. When Alex made me take my clothes off like that, I felt so worthless to him. I shouldn't have had to do that. He should've just believed me. You know, I've had a lot of embarrassing and humiliating moments in my 23 years but that had to have been the worst. To just stand there while he was circling my naked body took a small piece of my humility. I didn't like that..I was so uncomfortable. "I'm so scared that he's becoming an alcoholic, Miss Helen. Like... the last time I talked to him over the phone, he was drunk. He shows up here this morning, he's drunk. Now you're telling me that every time you've talked to him he was drunk? What if he's an alcoholic? I can't deal with that. I love him so much and you know, I'd do anything in this WORLD for Alex. But if he's an alcoholic, what's the point? He treats me so bad...how do you love someone like that? Someone that treats you so horribly? I want to love him but if he's in too deep with his drinking, how can I?"

"That's a decision Alex has to make. You can't make that decision for him." She says that so smoothly. "Jo, Alex loves you. When he talks to me about you, I can hear it in his voice. He's happy, he's lively, he's energetic, he's so in love with you that it kills him. I wasn't around much but I still very much know my son. I know Alex and I know when he's happy about something and Jo, he's happy about you. He loves you so deeply. And if he loves you the way I believe he does, he'll make that decision to put the alcohol down. But you can't make that decision for him. He has to decide...you understand me?"

"Thank you, Miss Helen." I sniff again. I'm done crying but my nose is still running. "He's sorry...I know he is. He wouldn't have done it if he was sober. Don't be too hard on him. I just needed someone to talk to..."

"Don't make excuses for his behavior, Jo. Drunk or not, there's no excuse for him to treat you that way. Don't make excuses for him."

"Okay." I merely whisper.

"And stop calling me 'Miss Helen'. It's ridiculous for you to call me that and it's borderline offensive."

I chuckle and finally stand back up to continue with breakfast. "Well what would you like me to call you?"

"You can call me Helen...or you can call me Mom, since I'm gonna be your mother-in-law eventually anyway."

"You're pretty confident about that." I chuckle again.

"You're the only one I approve of for my son to marry, so."

Instead of giggling this time, I full out laugh. It's nice to know that Alex's mom likes me. I think that's a real important part of any relationship, not just mine. You always see in the movies about how the significant others' parents hate the spouse or whatever. I guess I'm just fortunate that Helen likes me. At least that's one hurdle me and Alex won't have to tackle. His family seems to approve of me for the most part. "So I'll talk to you later. I was actually in the middle of making breakfast when you called."

"Alright, Jo. Make sure you have Alex call me."

"I will."

"Take care, sweetie."

**X X X **

I knock on my own bedroom door very softly and quietly open the door to prevent heavily disturbing him. "Alex?" I poke my head in the room and look directly at him. He's buried underneath the covers of my bed to the point where I can't see anything but the outline of his arms and his butt. I tuck loose strands of hair behind my ears and tiptoe completely inside the room. "Alex..." I call his name again as I approach the bed. I'll admit that I'm a bit apprehensive to see how he's going to react to me waking him up. I'm not sure if the liquor has completely worn off or if he's still drunk and that worries me. I just mentally prepare myself for the possibility that he very well might be drunk when I wake him. I put my hand against his back and gently shake him. He's such a monster when he's drunk. I've dealt with a lot of crap from Alex since I've known him. I mean, I always knew he was a bit of a jerk and oftentimes, his rudeness would creep back in from time to time. But I really think the way he treated me a few hours ago was the worst he's ever treated me. He accused me of doing something he KNOWS I wouldn't do and when he doesn't believe me, he makes me strip?

I guess I can understand how bad that probably looked but I don't get why he had to be so mean about it when I TOLD him that I wasn't sleeping with anybody else. He was just going based off of what he knew though, so I'm kind of excusing him. I know his mom said I shouldn't make excuses for his behavior and I know she's probably right but that's just my way of coping. If I don't make excuses for him, I'm going to end up hating his guts for what he did. It helps me to keep reminding myself that he wouldn't do it if he were sober. And it helps when I think about how confused he must have been, especially being drunk and all. Alex just knows that I never sleep in bras. I never, ever, ever sleep in bras and he knows that. So to see me in bed with wet hair, my bra on and stuff...that probably made him think and I guess I don't quite blame him for that. "Alex." He's sleeping like a log. Nothing I do can budge him. "Alex, wake up." I pull the blankets back and stare down at him. I have a problem with staying mad at him. I can't stay mad at him. Look at him...how could I? I stroke his hair back and rub his cheek. He's my baby. I bend down and rest my lips on his temple. "Alex." I whisper in his ear.

His eyes snap open and I flinch a little bit, for not knowing what mood he's going to be in when he gets up. "Jo?" He mutters my name into the pillow he's lying on and grunts. He's questioning me, as if he doesn't believe it's really me that's waking him up.

"Yeah baby, it's me." I stroke his hair some more and kiss his cheek this time. "You ready to wake up?" He grunts again and closes his eyes. "You have a headache?" I ask. He nods his head. "I have something for that." I rub his back. "Wake up, baby." I don't know why I tend to call him "baby" a lot. Most of the time it just comes out. Like I'll just be talking to him and it just slips. It doesn't seem like he's going to be getting up anytime soon so I climb into the bed next to him. "Your breakfast is gonna get cold." I run my fingers through his soft hair and press my lips to his forehead. He smells like liquor still. "You wanna go eat?"

"What'd you make?" He mumbles into the pillow again.

"Pancakes, bacon, eggs..." I uncurl one of his loose curls and watch it furl back up when I let it go. "You have to get up though." I just love playing with Alex's hair. It's so fluffy and thick and all wavy. I love it. "You want me to make your plate and bring it to you?"

"No." He grunts once more and picks his head up. "You come here..." He lifts up the blanket and scoots over to make room for me. "Lay down next to me." I open my mouth to speak but he takes the words right out of my mouth. "The food will still be there when we get up. We can eat later. Right now, I want you to lay down with me." I sigh and climb underneath the covers with him as per his request. He grabs my arm and pulls me towards him and keeps pulling until eventually, I fall onto his chest. Ironically, I'm not in the mood to cuddle with him. I'm still a little bit unsure about him. I can't just forget how mean he was to me. He wraps both his arms around my waist and holds me really tight but I keep my arms down at my sides. "...You still mad at me?" _At least he remembers. I really thought he wasn't going to. _"Jo..." I just stay quiet and look at my nails. They're getting pretty long, by the way. "Josephine." I know he's just using my full name to get me to pay attention to him and I'm not having it. He sighs. "Look Jo..." I roll my eyes. _And here comes the apology. _"I'm not gonna apologize for what I did because I honestly don't deserve for you to forgive me." _Well that's different. _"I hope you're able to but I don't deserve it. If you do decide to forgive me, thank you...if you don't, I understand. But just know that I love you, okay? And I'm never drinking again. And I'm never letting go...okay? No drinking and no letting go."

I look up at him with an unamused look on my face. "I'm serious!" He exclaims. I dramatically roll my eyes and turn my attention back to my nails. "Jo, if you don't want me to EVER drink again, I won't. I'll do whatever you want."

"Alex, what I want right now is-"

"Don't say that, Jo." He squeezes me tighter. "Please don't say that. I know I messed up big this time and I'll be making it up to you for the rest of my life if I need to. I'll make it up to you, I promise. But don't say what I think you're going to say. Don't say it, Jo. I'm here. I know you might not believe me but I'm serious. I wasn't serious when I let you go but I'm serious now. I'm serious and I want you. I want it to be forever, too. I want that...better or worse, sickness and health crap. Just forgive me. I'll make you...I'll...I won't make you regret it...forgive me, Jo. Please."

"I can't keep—"

"I know. I'm just stupid. I...I started drinking because I couldn't deal with losing you. I couldn't deal with that and I needed some way to. I won't drink anymore. I just want you...please Jo. Please. Whatever you want, I'll do it. Whatever you want..."

"Alex, I'm not saying that-"

"I know but Jo-"

"Can you let me talk?!" I push away from him out of annoyance. I look at him for the first time since the last time I did and see that tears are lining the rims of his eyes. "Alex, I'm not saying that this is it for us. I'm not saying that." I shake my head. "I'm just saying that this can't keep happening. I can't keep letting you treat me like this. Something has to give. And I hate to do it, but I'm putting my foot down. I understand that you only drank or whatever to deal with us not being together. I totally understand that. I had my own ways of coping too and I'm not knocking you for that. I'm not. But my ways of coping aren't hurting you. My ways of coping don't degrade you, humiliate you or embarrass you. My ways of coping don't include me pushing you into walls, digging my nails into you or calling you names. Your way of coping is harmful not only to you but to me. And I'm putting my foot down. Either you stop drinking or we can't be together, period. I can't keep excusing your actions. I'll keep excusing it and eventually, it'll escalate into you actually hurting me and I can't put myself in that position, no matter how much I love you. So all I'm saying is you have to stop drinking. I'm not breaking up with you, I'm not telling you to get out of my house and I'm not saying that I don't love you anymore because I do." He's crying so I reach up and wipe his tears. "I love you, Alex. But you have to do better than this. You have to do better than showing up drunk off your ass at seven in the morning, accusing me of stuff we BOTH know I didn't do."

"You do love me, though?" He's actually crying pretty hard.

"Of course I do." I keep wiping his tears. "I love you with all my heart."

"Good...because I can't lose you, Jo." Although he's the one crying, he pulls me close to his chest again and holds me. "I can't deal with losing another one. It'd be even worse if it was you. I need you...I hate myself for it but I do. I need you so bad. I can't live without you..." He shakes his head. "And when I say I'm not letting go, I mean that. I mean that, Jo." He's squeezing me so tight that I can't breathe but it sort of feels good. "I want you forever. I'm not going back to California. I'm staying right here. You and me, we're gonna stay right here. I'll get us a house closer to your school...a real house. One with a fence and everything, just like you always wanted. And when you're done with school, we can go anywhere in the world you wanna go to raise our kids. If you wanna go to California, we can go to California. If you wanna raise our babies in Massachusetts, we can. Kansas? That's fine too...I just don't want to lose you again. I can't deal with that."

"Alex, don't be ridiculous." I reciprocate the way he's holding me by wrapping my arms around his waist. "You still have a job in California and a house...you can't just pick up and move to Massachusetts just like that. You're gonna have to go back to California, at least for your job. Be realistic." For once, I'm being the realistic one and he's being the dreamer.

"I quit that damn job." He mumbles.

"YOU WHAT?!"

"I quit." He shrugs. "It wasn't worth it."

"ALEX, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! THAT WAS YOUR DREAM! YOU CAN'T JUST..."

"Jo, all the money and dream jobs in the world aren't worth losing you. I'd much rather be...be broke with you than rich alone at some job I hate. I hated that job and let's be real, I don't need it. I don't need a job, Jo. What I need is you." He puts his lips on my forehead. "I can keep the house in California, it can be our vacation spot. I don't have any obligations out there anymore without that job. I'm here for you and we can make this work. I might have to go back just to get my stuff and my car and all that but I'm staying here with you. You know I've got you. For as long as you need me, I've got you. You're gonna finish school and we're gonna get married and have kids and that's how we end, Jo. That's how we end. Not like that...not in two different states."

"Yeah, you don't need a job until you're broke from putting me through school. Alex, you need to do something..." I shake my head at him. I can't believe he quit his job on a whim. And it was probably on a drunken whim at that.

"Don't worry about me and the money, Jo." He smirks. "I'm in love with a genius that's gonna be a hotshot doctor someday. She can be my sugar mama." He winks at me.

I crack a smile. "So you're serious about this? You're sure?"

"I'm more than sure." He kisses me on my lips. "I'm absolutely certain." He keeps kissing me on my lips in between sentences. "We can make this work." I close my eyes and kiss him back.

"We can make this work." I nod to agree with him. I put my head against his chest and close my eyes, just thinking about this life we can live together. For once, I don't feel like my dreams of having a family with Alex are far-fetched. I feel like now that he's staying with me, we can have it all. The house with the fence, the wedding, the babies...we can have it all. Is it bad that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop? Things don't go this positively for me, ever. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just drop already...what's the catch here? Alex kisses my cheek pretty hard and holds me closer to his body. I push the negativity from my head and close my eyes again, falling into a daydream about the life with Alex that's actually possible.

"_Did you ever think this was going to happen?" I nuzzle my cheek in his chest and keep my arms lightly wrapped around his waist as he sways back and forth slowly in tune with the music, with me in his arms. His hands are on my lower back, just above my butt and stroking me. I think it's crazy how there's a room full of people surrounding us but still, swaying here in his arms, I feel like we're the only two people even in the room. Granted, we are the only two on the dance floor at the moment but still. I can't even feel other peoples' eyes on us. It's just me and him. "I didn't." I whisper to him._

"_I hoped it would." He whispers back. Today was a fairytale. It was nothing like the wedding we planned out back when I was a naive 23 year old girl with a pink dress and a princess tiara. I have to admit that it was so much better than that. I never have thought I was all that pretty but standing here dancing with my new husband, I feel like the prettiest woman in the world. My dress isn't pink like I wanted back then but standing here as a 26 year old, I think I made the right decision with navy blue and silver. It's strapless, with pure silver rhinestone and crystal hearts on the bodice. The back is open and the bottom is flowy with silver and crystal hearts on the bottom. It's beautiful and it goes nicely with Alex's white tuxedo. I don't have a tiara in my hair but I do have a pretty sparkly clip holding half of my hair up. The other half is down and the hairdresser put lots of pretty spiral curls in it. I don't quite look like a princess but I sure do feel like one._

"_I never thought it would...from the first day I met you, I didn't think you'd be the one I'd marry." I turn my head and lift it up. "I'm glad I did though." I smile at him._

"_I love you, Jo." He says that with so much seriousness. _

"_I love you too." I pucker my lips and he leans down and kisses me. As a reminder that we're actually not the only two people in here, everyone around us "awwws" at our kiss. _

"Jo?" Alex calls my name and when I go to open my eyes and find that I can't, that's when I realize that I wasn't in fact daydreaming. I had actually fallen asleep. I didn't realize how tired I actually am. I was dreaming...and damn, it was a good dream.

"Hmm?" I mutter, still half-asleep and half-awake.

"...You wanna marry me?" He says that with a tone of voice that suggests that he's really nervous.

"Hmm?" I'm not sure I heard him right.

"Will you marry me?" He asks with the proper terminology this time.

I lift my head up and wake myself up so quick. "Are you serious?" I wrinkle my brow and narrow my eyes. His eyes are directly on me and by his facial expression, it was something he really had to muster up the courage to do. He was probably thinking about it for the entire ten or so minutes I was sleeping and dreaming. "...Are you serious?" I ask again.

"...Yeah." He nods his head like he's come to the realization himself that he's serious. "Yeah, I'm serious." He smiles. "Will you marry me, Josephine Wilson?"

"...A..." My heart sinks down to the pit of my stomach. I shake my head a little then stop myself. "I...I..." How do I tell him this? I mean...HELL YEAH I want to marry this man. But not...right now? I'm not... "Alex...are you..." I swallow a lump in my throat. "I..." I can't find the words to say. "I'm not...ready for that." I shake my head at him. His eyes fall and I can see the emotion drain from his face. "We...barely..." I just hurt him bad...it's written all over his face. "No, Alex...I'm not...I'm not ready. I'm...I'm 23. I want to..."

"Great." He murmurs and pulls the covers back and stands up.

"Alex, wait...just hold on. Let me explain..."

"Nope. Nothing to explain." He's crushed. He goes over to the door, opens it, leaves the room and slams it shut behind him.

He has to let me explain...


	54. Good Enough For Me

"Alex!" I hear her calling after me but that doesn't stop me from walking out on her. I'm not leaving the house or whatever, I just had to get out of that bedroom with her. I slam the door shut and go into her living room. I sit down on the couch and kick my feet up on the coffee table, enjoying the moment I've got alone before she comes out here to talk to me. I know she's going to be out here soon enough to talk about her decision to reject me. I wish I was drunk right now. If I were drunk, this would all be so much easier to handle. But since I promised her that I won't ever drink again, I just sigh and hold my head in my hands. I don't know what I was thinking, asking her to marry me like that. I was serious, though. I want to marry Jo and I know that. I'm 1000% sure that I want to marry that woman and she told me no. I sniff back tears to prevent myself from crying and run my hands through my hair. I'm beginning to think my perspective since the beginning was right all along. Maybe I'm just not meant for marriage. Both times I mustered up enough courage to propose to a girl I loved, she rejected me. Damn, I thought for sure Jo would say yes. I really thought she'd do the honor of being my fiancee. I put too much faith into a 23 year old girl though.

I'm not mad at her for saying no. She has the right to reject my marriage proposal and she has the right to not want to marry me. I'm just a bit disappointed that this happened for the second time, you know? I'm not mad at her, I'm just disappointed because marrying Jo is something I really want. But you can't have half a marriage and if she doesn't want to marry me then we just can't get married. And I didn't walk out because I was mad at her. I walked out because I had the worst case of deja-vu and sometimes, in certain situations, I can't convince myself that Jo's not Lucy and I thought for sure that if I had stayed in that room after hearing her tell me no, I might've broken down in front of her at the remembrance of the speech Lucy gave me following her marriage proposal rejection.

"_Look Lus, I know we have some issues we gotta work though...and I know things have been a bit rocky for us lately but you have to remember how much we love each other. I'm sorry for everything. For not being there, for being a bad boyfriend...for, for not being there for you. I'm sorry. But I do love you...and I know you love me too and that's why we need to work through all this." A part of me can't believe that I'm actually apologizing to her when she's the one that slept with my best friend. But thinking back, I probably made her do it. I spent all my time at football and wrestling and I had no time for her and maybe that's what made her sleep with Garret. I do owe her an apology. "I love you, Lus." I reach in my back pocket and wrap my hand around the black velvet box. She's sitting on the bed with an expressionless face. _

_She and Garret are apparently still together. They walk around campus parading their love in front of the entire student body and not to mention, I sometimes have to listen to it. I petitioned my RA for a new roommate or a dorm switch but I can't transfer to another housing complex until the end of the semester, so I've been stuck listening to my best friend bang my ex-girlfriend in my bedroom while I sit on the couch and try to tune it out with music. Sometimes when Lucy comes over, I'll go down to the gym or walk down to the plaza for a bite to eat or something like that, just so I don't have to sit there and torture myself. But if you're a member of the football team, there's a 1:00 curfew for the team so I can't stay out past one in the morning during football season. So if Lucy and Garrett aren't done screwing each others' brains out by one in the morning, I have to listen to the two of them go at it. I guess I might look a bit pathetic sitting here begging my ex to take me back when she's still with my old best friend that she cheated on me with, but it's love. I love Lus and I want her back. "Will you marry me, Lucy?" I open up the box and present her with the ring. I spent a week picking it out. It cost me $1,200 but I think it was worth it. It's pretty. 12-karats of diamond. Do you have any idea how many paychecks I had to save up? It's tough to make anything close to twelve hundred bucks when you're a broke college kid living off work-study money._

"_Alex, this isn't working...I just can't see us forcing this to be here when it's really not. You have to understand that..." She's looking at the ring like it's a pebble. Like it didn't cost me serious money. Like I picked a rock up off the street and stuck it in a band. Like it's not a diamond. Like it's a fucking pebble. "Garret...he can offer more than you can." She pushes the ring away like she's disgusted by it. "You're super committed to your sports and I respect that...I get that. But I'm looking for someone to be committed to me."_

"_I'm committed to you, Lus. Why do you think I came over here?" I close the black velvet box and put it on my lap. "I'm committed to yo, Lus. If you want me to quit wrestling and football, I swear I will. I just want you. I want you and only you, Lus. I wanna be good enough for you. Whatever I have to do to be good enough for you, just lemme know..." My eyes well up with tears and I sigh, looking down at the box. What am I supposed to do with the ring? _

"_But Alex, you're not good enough for me." She shakes her head. "You're not good enough for me...or for anyone right now, for that matter. You're all about wrestling and football and school. You don't make time for your girlfriends. You're not good enough for anyone and realistically Alex, you probably never will be. You're just not good enough. So settle for that. Settle for...never being good enough."_

I pinch the bridge of my nose and try as hard as I possibly can to not cry. Am I good enough for Jo, though? Tell me I'm good enough for Jo. Or was Lucy right all along? Am I ever going to be good enough for anyone? I don't know, maybe she was right. Why else would Jo be so quick to reject my marriage proposal the way Lucy did? I'm selfish, impatient, coldhearted, a bastard and downright mean when I drink too much. There's no way that's good enough for Jo. It wasn't good enough for Lucy and it's certainly not good enough for Jo. It's not enough to be filthy freaking rich. It's not enough to be able to provide for a girl beyond her wildest dreams. Showering her with new phones, new clothes, a state of the art apartment, a higher education...none of that is enough if you don't treat a girl well. I really do think Lucy was right. Maybe I should just settle for never being good enough for someone. I really wish Jo would've said yes though. I let my nose go and as soon as I do, tears tickle my cheeks.

Just like I was waiting for, I hear the bedroom door open up slowly and I hear her feet walking over towards me. I pull my shirt up over my face though. Jo doesn't need to see me crying. That's an embarrassing thing for her to see. I feel the couch sink in beside me so she must've sat down. "Are you ready to talk to me?" Her hand grabs onto my wrist and tries to pull my hand away from holding my shirt up by I won't let her. "...Alex." She lets me go and scoots closer so that our legs are touching. "Listen to me, baby..." She's still calling me "baby"? That's a plus. "...When I said no..." She reiterates the word "no" and that stings just a bit. "I didn't mean that I never want to marry you because I do...I really, really do." She stops talking and sighs, probably because I haven't budged but she doesn't need to see me cry so I remain still. She stands up and the next time I feel her sit down, she sits on my lap. "Look at me, Alex." I think she's straddling me because her hands are on my chest. "Put the shirt down and look at me." I keep it there because I'm not done being a pansy yet. "...Alex, you're not being fair to me. You're not. I understand that you're...older and stuff and I know that you want to start your life and I respect that. All I'm asking is for a little more time. You have to remember that I'm only 23. I'm still too young for a lot of things and unfortunately, marriage is one of them." She starts knotting her fingers through my hair. "Can you understand that?" I nod my head slowly. "Can you give me a few years? ...26 at least?" I nod again. "I'm sorry for the way that came out...but I didn't mean no as in never. I meant no as in not right now. I'm not ready to get married yet."

"...You didn't have to say no at all though." I finally pull the shirt down and when I do, we're face to face with each other. Her hands are behind my head all tangled in my hair and her face is so close to mine that if I moved half an inch, our noses would be touching. "Obviously I didn't mean that I want you to drop everything and marry me right now, Jo. I respect your youth. I know you're still practically a kid. I was just saying that I want to be engaged to you. People can stay engaged for years, can't they? If we get engaged right now, that means we're locked to each other, doesn't it? We wear the rings for a couple years and when the time is right, we do the wedding thing. We can be engaged for years." I put my hands on her waist and look away from her. "I just wanna be off the market..."

"We don't need rings to do that though." She takes one hand from the back of my head and uses it to wipe my face. "I don't need a ring to be committed to you and only you and I don't need a ring to tell other guys no. You're right, we could be engaged for years but then, what would be the point? What would be the point of us being engaged for three or four years?" She rubs my hair in a comforting way. "And I think it's way too early for you to be throwing around proposals anyway. Can you at least give us a year?"

"I'm just too scared to lose you." I sigh. "Maybe I did rush it a bit but I just know that I'm not going to change my mind about you. I know that a year from now, I'm still going to look at you and love you just as much then as I do now—if not more." I reach up and run my fingers through her hair because I haven't done that in a while. "And you said it...I'm not getting any younger. We have to find a compromise here."

"But that doesn't matter to me, Alex." She looks me dead in my eyes. "I don't care if you're 33 when we get married or 43. I don't care about the age. I don't even realize it half the time until you bring it up. I don't look at you and see someone that's seven years older than me. I look at you and see someone I love and that's it. But if you want to bring age into it, it's not fair of you to expect so much of me at 23 years old. I'm _23_. I wish I were older but I'm not. And there's so many things I want to do before I get engaged, get married and have a baby. I want to graduate. That's all. Before we even think about weddings and babies, can I graduate?" I guess that's fair so I nod. "You got the chance to get your college degree and set your career. Can I stabilize mine now? You're just gonna have to trust that I'm gonna be here no matter how long it takes for us to get it together...because we ARE gonna get it together, baby. We're gonna get it together and when we get it together...we're gonna be so happy."

"So if I ask you again in a year or two, you'll say yes?" I stick my hands up under her shirt and rub her back. "Even though you'll still only be 24 or 25 and I'll be 32 or 33?"

"Of course." She smiles at me like she really enjoys the sound of that and puts her lips against mine. "...This whole entire relationship has gone way too fast, don't you agree?" She sits back, still on my lap in a straddle position and holds my hands. I nod my head, agreeing. She's right. Our whole relationship went fast. Everything we do is fast. "So let's slow it down. Not everything has to be like clockwork. We don't have to rush everything anymore. We did have to rush for a while there because we only had limited time together but we don't anymore. We don't have to rush anything else. We have forever together." She sits back up again and kisses me on my lips again.

"...But Jo?" When she pulls away out of the kiss, I take the opportunity to speak. I have something else to ask her. "...Am I good enough for you?" I trace my fingertips along the skin on her back and look deep into her eyes so she knows I'm serious. I just want her to be honest. "The way I am right now? Is there anything you want me to change? Aside from the drinking?" She wrinkles her eyebrows. "What can I do to be good enough for you? What can I change? Just tell me..."

"Who told you that you weren't?" She looks at me with a disgusted look on her face, like she's personally offended. "Who told you that you weren't good enough for me? I didn't say that...did I?"

"No, I was just wondering." I shake my head and sigh. She doesn't seem like she's buying it though and that's how I know that Jo's the one I need to be with. She just knows me so well and she's always there. Always. "I was told that once and I was just wondering if you felt that way about me...that's all."

She gives me a very soft, toothless smile. The look on her face is so easy and gentle, like she's telling me with her eyes that she absolutely adores me. "There's nothing in this world that I want you to change about yourself. I'm in love with you just the way you are..flaws and all. You're beyond good enough for me, Alex." She puts her lips to my forehead. "...Who put that idea in your head?"

"Lucy." I mumble.

"Oh really? What'd she say?" She sits back and grabs my hands again. She starts playing with my fingertips.

"Nothing, just that..." I sigh. "...That I'd never be good enough for anyone. That I wasn't good enough for her and I would never be good enough for anyone...and that I should settle for the fact that I'll never be good enough...because I had nothing to offer her." Jo's eyebrows raise up then come back down as her lips turn up into a grimace. She has the most expressive eyes. I could just look at Jo's eyes and know what she's feeling. "That's why I freaked...'cause I've had a marriage proposal rejected before and..." I reach up and scratch my head. "...It kinda felt like you were doing it again."

"I wasn't rejecting you, love." She strokes my cheek. I've never been into pet-names but for some reason, when Jo calls me by her millions she has for me, I love it. "Love" is a new one though. "I wasn't rejecting you. I was telling you that I'm not ready and that's all it was. Don't feel like I was rejecting you. I wasn't." How does she possess the ability to make me feel better no matter what? She's gonna make a phenomenal wife someday. "And I don't think she knows what the hell she's talking about." She kisses me on my cheek and keeps stroking my other one. "Maybe you weren't good enough for her but you're good enough for me and that's all that counts. You don't need to be good enough for her. All you need to be is good enough for me, okay? And you are." She pushes my hair back. "And you have plenty to offer. She didn't stick around long enough to see that." She kisses my lips. "But screw her. You're mine now and I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't matter if you're good enough for anyone anymore."

"I guess I just valued her opinion way too much." I lift my head up slightly and kiss the underside of her chin.

"Way too much." She gives me that smile again and I have this fuzzy feeling in my chest. I love Jo so damn much. How did I get lucky enough to have her though? It's like fate just dropped an angel straight into my lap. I reach up and stroke her hair again. I can only imagine where I would be if I had decided to leave town without seeing if she was okay that night. Or if I just left her after I saved her instead of putting her in the car with me. Or if I had just let her go back when she tried to walk when I told her I wasn't going to Massachusetts. Where would I be without her? I don't even want to know. I'd probably be a hopeless case without her. "Do you have your phone on you?" She holds her hand out for it. I motion towards the coffee table because that's where it's at. She nods once and leans back to grab it. I hold onto her legs so she doesn't come off of my lap. She grabs my phone and pushes the home button. "...I hate you. Why do you have this picture as your wallpaper? I look so fat..."

She's talking about one of the pictures she took of us back at my house. We were outside in my pool and she was on my back and she took a selfie of us kissing. She leaned forward and kissed me and took the picture. She wanted me to delete it but I liked it so I kept it. "I think you look beautiful." I kiss the underside of her chin again and that makes her smile. "What are you doing?" I lift up to see the phone better. She shakes her head and punches in my password to unlock it. She goes to my internet app and goes to the search bar. She types "Facebook" into the search bar and waits for it to pop up. My Facebook is already logged in. "You got a Facebook?" I ask her and she looks very focused on something so instead of opening her mouth, she just nods. "We should probably add each other... even though I'm never on."

"I'm never on either." She mumbles. "...What's her last name?"

"Whose last name?"

"That one bitch...your ex? Lucy?" She already has the name "Lucy" typed into the search bar.

"Fields." I tell her. "Why? What are you doing?"

"I wanna see how she's doing without you...since she wants to say some bullshit like you have nothing to offer her. I wanna know how big and rich she is." She taps on Lucy's profile and looks at it. "She's married to a...Garret L. Fletcher."

"That's the guy she cheated on me with." I mumble. That stung a bit. Just knowing that she cheated on me with Garret and ended up marrying him. That sucks. Looking at Lucy's Facebook page is something I've always been tempted to do but I've never actually done it. I'm just too afraid of what I might see, I guess. "They got kids?" I ask. I'm a little bit shaken up. I'm totally over Lucy, I swear. But it just hurts a little bit to see her life now, without me. It's bringing back old memories.

"I think they have two boys and twin girls." She's scrolling through pictures. "...Their house is pretty shitty." She shows me a picture. Lucy and Garret are posed outside of their house with their four blonde-haired kids. Is that really Lus, though? Holy shit, she got fat! And Garret...he's bald? "Was she always that fat?" Jo looks like she's disgusted. "...She works as a preschool teacher, it says. She's a preschool teacher and I think he sells insurance." She's still scrolling. "...They have cute kids. Their kids are pretty cute." She turns her nose up. "Our babies will be cuter though." I laugh when she says that. I admit that it feels kind of good to know that Lus wipes boogers for a living when she went to school to be an Obstetrician and she's fat now. It feels even better knowing that Garret went to school to be a sports medicine major and he sells insurance instead, plus he's bald. "Mind if I add her on yours?"

"I don't care. She might not accept it but you an add her." I shrug. "...On second thought, don't."

"Why not?" She tucks her hair behind her ear and raises her eyebrow.

"...Because. Even though I'm clearly doing better than the two of them are...I'm still not married and I don't have pictures of my nice house and my nice cars and stuff. I don't have kids or anything and they do. I don't want them thinking that I'm still a loser... and you know how I don't like to brag about my money and stuff. Don't add her." I shake my head.

"...You have me, though? I'm something..." She says that softly, like she's trying to gently make a point.

"I know but Jo..." Her face falls and I can tell that I just hurt her feelings. "I'm not saying that you're nothing, babe. You're something and you look so much better than she does." I try to ease the damage I just did by complimenting her. "All I'm saying is that I'm never on my Facebook page so it's not updated and it's not really much to show for. It's a picture of me and posts that I posted months ago. And you know I don't like to brag about my money because of the whole Michael Evans thing...I'm not saying that you're nothing Jo, because you're something. You're my most prized possession. I just don't have much to show for myself by adding her. They have kids, they're married and then there's me. I'm still single. You think for one second she's not gonna go on my page and creep like we just did when she adds me? She's gonna creep around and she's gonna see that I'm still just Alex. No kids, no wife, no money. Just Alex." I can't even look her in her eye. "I wasn't saying that-"

"I know what you're saying and I completely understand. You want something to show them that you're doing better. You want something to show HER that you have a bunch to offer her. And because you want to keep your writing and stuff private...and because your future wife is just barely old enough to drink, you don't have any glamorous pictures of your house or your kids. I get it." She keeps looking at my phone. "...So let's find pictures to upload. Let's deck your Facebook page out and then we'll add her." She positions the phone so we can both see it. "First of all, we need to change your profile picture...just so she sees that you're still sexy as hell while she's with the ugly bald guy."

"Change it to something of us." I tap on my pictures so we can look through them and pick a good one. "I want her to know that I have a beautiful girlfriend...and that I'm still devilishly handsome." I wink and she laughs. "Use that one." I point to one of the ones that we had taken of us at the boardwalk back in California. She was fascinated by this big water fountain that was next to the entrance of the boardwalk so she asked one of the tourists if they could take a picture of us next to it after the same tourist asked us to take a picture of her and her son next to the same fountain. In the picture, Jo's arms are around me and she's smiling so pretty and her head is tilted to the side. I'm smiling too but not as big as she is. Her long brown hair is blowing in the wind and she has all her weight on her front leg. She looks better than I do in the picture but Jo always looks good. She uses that picture as my new profile picture.

"That should be good for now. Later, we'll post a bunch of pictures from when we went on all our dates and when we went to the beaches and stuff. And we'll like...caption them so she'll know that you have all this money to take me places." She nods her head. "Yeah, this will show her." She exits out of Facebook and goes to my picture app. "And after you add her, I'll add her on mine too. And I'll post pictures and tag you in them. I got this, babe. We'll make you look real good." She starts looking through my pictures. "And then I'll send her a message that says 'Thank you for dumping Alex because now he's my baby'." She giggles.

"You better not, Jo. You're so crazy." I shake my head at her and start rubbing her back again. Sometimes I just can't get enough of touching her. Even when she's on my lap like she is, I still have to touch her with my hands for some reason. I just have to touch her. Since her attention is on my phone and not on me, I take the moment to stare in awe of her beauty. Even dressed in an oversized burgundy t-shirt with her hair in a messy, curly side-ponytail, she looks like she's going to model something. Her eyelashes are naturally long and pretty and the color of her eyes shocks me every time I look at them. And she's just effortlessly this gorgeous too. She doesn't even try. While I'm staring at her, her eyes widen and she gasps. "What? What's up?" I lift my head to see what she's looking at on the phone.

"You still have this video!" She shoves her hand into my chest. "I told you to delete it, you big fat jerk!" She turns the phone around and shows me. "Alex, I told you to delete it. Come on." She's whining with a smile but I know she's actually serious. "What if you like...lose your phone or something? And someone finds it and they see this video? I told you to delete it. I didn't even want you to record it." I grab the phone off her to see what video she's talking about. "Delete it...Why didn't you delete it when I told you to the first time?"

I see what video she's talking about and crack a smile. "Because I spent two weeks without you, which means I spent two weeks without sex. I went from having sex with you almost every day to nothing at all. I needed something to...entertain myself with and regular porn wouldn't cut it." I press play on the video. "You can't even see your face..."

"That's not the point." She snatches the phone off of me.

"Don't delete it Jo. Come on...have some fun." I take the phone back. "It's not like I'm gonna post it anywhere or show anybody." I turn my phone on it's side to make the picture bigger and unpause the video. "Look at the concentration..." I narrow my eyes to better appreciate the quality. "It was so hard to keep the camera still but I did it." Her cheeks are red and her eyes are closed. "I was really in there...look at it." I turn it towards her. She opens one eye to look but closes it soon after. I turn up the volume on my phone and continue watching. Video Jo was moaning so loud...I crack a smile. Real Jo covers her ears. I pause the video again and tap her to let her know I'm done. She takes her hands away from her ears and she's glaring at me. "...Come on, it's hot and you know it's hot."

"There's nothing hot about hearing myself moan..." She shakes her head. "You should've deleted it."

"You told me to send it to you! Did you delete it?"

"...But I don't watch it with the volume up!" She smiles nervously with a hint of seductiveness in there. "There's nothing hot about my moans..."

"Sure there is!" I wink at her. "I love hearing, 'OH ALEX!' 'UHHHHH!'"

"I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT!" She reaches over, grabs a couch pillow and starts violently beating me with it.

"You're right...it's more of a scream. Especially when I'm deep...it's more of a... 'OH MY GOD, BABY, YOU'RE SO DEEP!'" I mock her some more and she swats me in the throat, yes the throat, with the pillow...which makes me cough.

"I've never said that!" She keeps mauling me with the pillow. I start coughing real dramatically and really hard. I wave my hands around my face and pretend to start choking. She puts the pillow down slowly. "...Alex?" She brushes my hair away from my face. "Alex... I'm sorry."

"...Look at your face." I stop coughing at the drop of a hat and start laughing instead. "You were so scared!"

"...FUCK YOU." She gets off my lap with a huge smile. "No, fuck you!" She starts walking away from me.

"Jooooo!" I grab her hand and pull her back. "Come here...you know I love you." I grab her by her waist and pull her back down. She smiles at me and leans in to kiss me on my lips. "...You really have said that before though."

"Oh bullcrap." She shakes her head. "You're not that good in bed." She rolls her eyes.

"Oh, I'm not?"

"No."

I grab her hips and force her to lie down flat on the couch. "I'm not?" She already knows what I want so without question, she shifts her weight so I can be on top of her and opens her legs so I can lie between them. She starts kissing me deeply but as soon as she does, she pulls away fast like she remembered something.

"I don't have condoms." She stops me.

"So? I'll pull out." I lift her shirt up a little bit in preparation to take it off. She's still reluctant though. "Come on, Jo. You know we need to. We didn't properly reunite yet." I kiss her neck.

"I know..." She rubs the back of my head. "But remember last time...I just..." I suck the spot on her neck that gets her wet and just to test that she's no different than when we last had sex two weeks ago, I slide my hand down past her stomach and deep into her underwear. While I suck on that spot, my hand is starting to get wet, which satisfies me. "I wanna be safe..." She pushes me away. "Just...hold on." She's breathing heavy which lets me know that she wants it just as much as I do but she's trying to be responsible and I respect that. I still have my hand in her pants though. "Just hold on." She gets up off the couch and disappears into her bedroom. I sigh and just sit on the couch with a boner, waiting for her to come back. She comes back pretty quick without a condom, but with a blanket instead. "...If you slip up Alex, I swear to god."

"Yesssss!" I celebrate the fact that she's going to go ahead and let us have sex without a condom. I lie down on the couch as she walks back over. She straddles me and pulls the blanket over top of us. I don't want to waste time with taking off her shirt after feeling how wet she got when I was kissing her neck, so I go straight for her pants. She lifts herself up and lets me take them off. I throw her shorts and her underwear down on the floor and lean up so my mouth reaches hers. As usual, she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me hard, like she missed me. While she's busy kissing me, I take it upon myself to take my own pants off. I really would love to take the time out to do the whole foreplay thing but I don't think I can wait. I need this real bad. I take off her shirt and after hers comes off, she forcibly rips mine over my head.

I press my lips neatly to her throat so her mouth will be free once I put it in so I can hear her moan. The moan she moans when I first put it in is always the sexiest and always my personal favorite. If she's kissing me, I won't be able to hear it. So I kiss her neck instead and reach down with one hand to guide myself inside of her. As soon as I have it in, she grabs my shoulders and throws her head back so far that her hair tickles my hands from the back while they're on her lower back. "Ahhhh..." She gasps and keeps her head back towards the ceiling. I wrap my hands around her hips so I have a good grip on her. I sit still while pushing and pulling her up and down, making her ride me. I bury my face in her neck and grunt to deal with how tight she is. She grips my hair and starts riding me herself so I take my hands off and tangle them up in her hair. I take my face out of her neck and move it down to her chest. She puts her hands on my shoulders and pushes me hard so I'm flat against the couch again. She lies down flat on top of me and puts her face in my neck, moving her hips upwards in a grinding motion. She's not moaning, she's breathing heavy. While she grinds against me, I shove my hand in between the both of us and part her folds just to make sure she's getting her clit while she grinds. "Mmmm..." She moves her head over and starts kissing me sloppily.

I've had enough of this slow stuff, so I sit up again and put my arms around her waist to switch her positions. She bends her legs when I'm on top of her so I put them both on my shoulders and watch her face as I begin thrusting so hard that every time I pull it back out, her body lifts off the couch with me. I don't think I've ever been this rough with her before but then again, I've never had to show her how much I missed her before. She was being quiet when she was grinding against me but that went out the window. "Uhhhh!" She reaches around and grabs my back. I pick up the pace and watch her boobs jiggle with the pace of my thrusts. I feel her nails dig into my back and drag from my shoulder blades down to my sides. She does that again until I lie down flat against her. I force her legs open wider by moving my hips from side to side and slow it down. She wraps her legs around my waist and leans up so I hold her underneath her legs and pound her so rough that her screams fill the entire apartment. "OHHHH MY GOODDD...ALEX! ALEX!" She rubs my back instead of scratching it this time. "...W..wait..." I can tell she didn't want to stop me but she did anyway. Her breathing is heavy.

I stop thrusting but I don't take it out. "What, Jo?" I don't mean to sound annoyed with her but I really am.

"...Look." She shows me her hand and there's just a little bit of blood on her hands. A tiny bit of blood. "Your back..." She pushes me away which forces me to take it out. I sigh, audibly annoyed again. She leans over the side of the couch and grabs her t-shirt. "It's really bleeding..."

"I don't care about my damn back...come on."

"Alex, chill. We have all day to have sex and that's what I plan on doing anyway. I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have classes and you don't have anything to do either. We can have sex all day if you want to...I planned on it anyway. But your back..." She dabs her shirt on the scratches. "I got you pretty good on this one." She presses the shirt on one scratch and I jump. "See? I knew it had to hurt..."

"Just forget about it Jo. I'll heal."

"Alex, you literally have BLOOD dripping down your back. I don't want you bleeding all over my couch." She wipes down around my butt. The blood really must've spread far. I didn't even realize I was bleeding like that. "Let me go get the fingernail clippers..." She holds the shirt onto my back. "Hold this here."

"Forget about it, Jo!" She just ruined the mood. "Let's just get on the floor. Stop scratching my back so hard and we can just fuck on the floor."

"You're on my nerves." She stands up anyway. "Stop being so damn insistent. I'm cutting my nails, I'm going to get you a bandaid and then we can have all the sex you want. Quit crying all your goddamn life."

"Or you can just shut up and get over here. I'm FINE. It doesn't even hurt." My boner's going away and that's not good. I'm getting irritated.

"Or you can just shut up and stop complaining." She retorts.

"Or you can just stop scratching my back with your cat-claws." I roll my eyes at her.

"Or you can just stop banging me so hard...whichever works." She goes into her bedroom.

I sigh and take the t-shirt off my back. When I look at it, I see that there is quite a bit of blood on it. She must've been fucking my back up. It didn't even feel like she was scratching me that hard though. Still, she didn't have to stop in the middle of it to run and get me a bandaid.

I guess that's what I get for being in love with a doctor though.

* * *

**A/N:** One of the big time jumps is happening next chapter, guys.


	55. Grown

**A/N:** So one of the time jumps is here :)

* * *

He takes a quick glance at his cards, looks at the pile in the middle of the table, back at his cards and eventually, sucks his teeth. "I folded." He gathers his hand of cards into a neat pile and puts them down on the table before bringing his frosty mug of beer up to his mouth. "Miller's really been kicking my ass lately." He wipes his beer-mustache off with the back of his hand and belches. "Tell me, why is it that every other student in the class doesn't have to write a paper on medicinal chemistry but I do?" I look at him from the corner of my eye, shake my head and sip my own glass of beer. Shane's always complaining about something. With my glass of beer to my lips, I look over at Stephanie and see that she's having the same reaction as me. "I think he's racist. Why else would he pick on me? He doesn't pick on anybody else but me. Only black guy in the class and he picks on me."

"...Have you ever considered that maybe he's actually trying to be nice to you by giving you the extra credit?" I play with the cards in my hand with a smile on my face, trying to fight off laughter at the hilarious possibility that Dr. Miller—a BLACK professor—could be racist against Shane. "You know, considering that you failed your third diagnosis exam in a row with flying colors." I pick up an ace of spades from my hand and sit it down on the pile in the middle of the table. Stephanie covers her hand over her mouth hard to prevent spitting out her mouthful of the Jamaican Me Happy wine cooler she's been drinking. I laugh at her reaction. "I mean seriously, Shane. You can't play the race card when the professor is African-American. That'd be like me claiming that Dr. Anderson hates me because I'm white when she's a red-headed white chick herself." I shake my head at him, still cracking a laugh here and there. "And you're not the only black one in the class, you goof. Steph's black." I motion with my head towards her.

"I'm actually white." Steph puts a card down and I can't help but bust out in hard laughter at that because the tone of her voice was so serious. Her face is serious, her tone is serious and there's no hint of her joking anywhere. "I'm just a really tanned Italian person. I'm totally white." She takes a sip of her wine cooler to the head and puts it back down. I hold my head in my hands while I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. Yeah, Steph's white...and I'm actually black. "Jo's actually right for a change, Shane. Maybe the guy was just trying to help you out after failing at your life for the millionth time."

"Right for a change?" I narrow my eyes and glare at her. "I'm always right." I flip my hair in a dramatic fashion to add to my "stuck up" attitude. I actually do that a lot. Flip my hair, act like a diva and pretend that I'm better than they are, I mean. To anyone that doesn't know, I might look like I'm being a snobby bitch but Steph and Shane know better. It's actually an inside joke because back in my first year, I got assigned to work with these two blonde girls on a project for my microbiology clerkship. The girls went to the professor and complained that they didn't want to work with me because I was "a stuck-up know-it-all" and the professor basically told them that it was too bad for their luck because there was nobody to switch with. Steph and Shane offered to work with me. They gave away their partner to the girls and worked with me and we've been best friends ever since. So ever since my first year, it's been our inside joke for me to act like a diva. They know that I'm not like that though, which is why it's okay to joke with them about it. "In all seriousness, Shane...do you need a tutor? I'll help you out."

"Why don't you just write my paper for me, Jo?" Since the game of blackjack we were just playing seems to be over, he gathers up all the cards and begins to shuffle them for us to play another round. I push the home button on my phone just to see the time. It's almost 6:30 in the evening. I can't stick around for another round, even though I'd very much like to. We usually sit in this bar and drink until 8:00 on Fridays since we all get out of our last class of the day at 5:00 on Fridays but I can't stay until eight tonight. I have other things. "What's the use of having a brainiac like you as a friend if you're not going to do work for me?" He keeps trying to get me to soften but I take the last sip of my beer before I have to leave and shake my head at him. I've done work for my friends before. I'm not bragging but Steph and Shane aren't really as smart as I am. Obviously they're pretty smart to have gotten into Harvard in the first place, but they're not as smart as me. I'm the brains in the whole group and I don't always like it. I've done Steph's homework before, I've put all three of our names on group papers that I've written myself and I don't really mind doing it but I don't exactly like it. "Please, Jo? There's no way I'm gonna be able to find the time to write this paper when I work all week. It's due next Friday and I literally work all week."

"Sorry, Shane." I gather up my car keys and my phone and put them on the table in front of me while I slip my arms into the sleeves of my black Victoria's Secret jacket. "Look, if you text me the specifics...like what he told you he wanted in the paper? If you text me the specifics, I'll make an outline for you. I'll tell you what to put and where to put it but I'm not writing it for you. I'm busy too this week. I won't have time to write YOUR paper." I zip my jacket up to my chest. "That's the best I can do for you...take it or leave it."

"I'll take it." He leans back against the booth he's sitting in and starts dealing out the cards for the next round of blackjack. "I'm so glad you understand the life of the downtrodden, Jo. So glad you see that some of us actually have to work to put ourselves through med school." He pokes fun of me and Steph joins in.

"Yeah, because even after we work 40 hours a week, we'll still be trillions of dollars in debt, unlike someone we know." Steph sarcastically rolls her eyes at me. "I wish I had a richy-rich boyfriend to take care of me."

"He's not...richy-rich." I blush from hearing them talk about Alex. I don't talk about him to them much because even though they're my best friends, what goes on in me and Alex's relationship isn't anybody's business. But more than that, I don't like to talk about Alex to people because of what happened during my first year, with those girls thinking I was a snob. If they knew that my boyfriend's paying for my entire education, I can only imagine the things they'd say about me. The only reason Shane and Steph know about my "richy-rich" boyfriend is because they've been to the house for study sessions and stuff. Alex is never around when they come over but it just works out that way. They asked me if the house was mine or my parents' house and I told them that my parents were dead and that the house is actually my boyfriend's. That's how they know about him. "And he's not some 80 year old man that pops Viagra just to get it up. He's just...Alex." I shrug my shoulders. "And besides, I do understand what it's like to actually BE one of the downtrodden, Shane. I worked my way through college. I know it's not easy...which is why I'm willing to help you."

"I'm glad you cleared that up, Jo." Steph nudges me in a playful fashion with her elbow. "That he's not some 80 year old perv. I mean, we would know that ourselves if you actually let us meet the guy. We don't even know what he looks like. There must be a reason you keep your relationship so private. You've met my boyfriend and you've met Shane's girlfriend. Why can't we meet your man candy?" She dusts off the last of her wine cooler. "So if he's not 80 years old then what is he? 60? 70?"

"He's in his 30s, with a college degree and a well-paying profession. He's not old...if you look at my Facebook, we take lots of pictures together." I unlock my phone. "And it's not that I don't want you guys to meet him, it just works out that way, it seems. Every time you guys come over, he's not home. It's just how it works out. But next time we have a study session at my house, I'll make sure you guys get to meet the oh-so-mysterious Alex." I pull up a picture I have of Alex in his gym clothes after he got done working out. "Here." I let them see it. "Now stop bugging me. I don't have an 80 year old sugar daddy that's paying for me to go through school."

"Ooooh...he's pretty sexy." Steph takes my phone so she can have a closer look at the picture. "...And what does he do for a living? Go Jo...he's hot."

"He's a writer." I take my phone back off of him. "There. Now you guys have a good idea of what he looks like and you know that he's not sixty years older than me. Now I have to go, you guys." I gather up the hand of cards that Shane dealt to me and hand them back. "I can't stay until 8:00 tonight. I have laundry coming out my butt back at the house, I have go fix dinner and I left a mess in our bedroom this morning that I have to clean up before he gets home from the gym. So I have to go early tonight." I take one more sip of beer, swallow a burp that wanted to come out, grab my keys and my phone and stand up.

"Wait..." Shane stops me and looks over at Steph like the two of them know something that I don't.

"What?" I look at Steph too. The look on her face matches the one Shane gave her and she nods at him. When she nods, Shane leans down and reaches under the table. "Guys, I really don't have time for..." My voice trails off when Shane sits back up straight in his chair and puts a purple gift bag lined with pink tissue paper on the table. "You guys..."

"Happy birthday, Jo." Shane picks it up and passes it over to me.

"It's not my birthday yet. It's not 12:00." I take the gift and put it down on the table. "...Damn you guys for making me all emotional." I give Steph a hug and walk over to the other side of the table to give Shane a hug as well. "Thank you. This was really sweet of you guys." I'd rather not open the gift but I don't want to offend them so I open the bag, pull back the tissue paper and dig out whatever it is that they got for me. I pick out the thing that's inside the bag and find that it's a very tiny mini birthday cake. "Awww..." It's a cake made of mini cupcakes with purple flowers on the top and "Happy 27th Birthday, Jo" written across the top in orange frosting. "You guys are so cute." I rip off the bakery label to open the plastic. "Here, take one..." I slide the cake across the table so they can take a cupcake while I open up the card that was in the bag as well. The card has a big "27" on the front and when I open it, all it says is, "Damn, you're getting old!" and they both signed it. "...Is that why you guys wouldn't let me pay for my beers?"

"What kind of friends would we be if we made you pay for your own drinks on your birthday?" Shane gobbles his mini cupcake in one bite. Granted, it was a pretty small cupcake but he still didn't have to do that. Steph's managing to take bites of hers. "You're still the baby of the group but we had to celebrate someway."

"It's not even my birthday yet." I put the plastic covering back on my cake and gently put it back in the gift bag. "What did I do to deserve friends like you guys?"

"Some people are just lucky, I guess." Steph winks at me. "Now go...get home to that fine man of yours." She smacks my butt and tries to help me get all my things situated so I can go, since I'm a hurry. "And happy birthday, Jo."

"Thank you."

**X X X **

"I got the eye of the tiger...a fighter...dancin' through the fire...'cause I am a champion...and you're gonna hear me roar...louder...louder than a lion, 'cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar..." As I quietly sing to myself on the way home, I turn the steering wheel and slow down my speed since I'm on the street of our house. I could really use some updated music, by the way. My Katy Perry CD is so old and played out but being a med student, I don't really have time to update the music on my iPod. I've been rocking out on my way home to my Katy Perry CD since my first year. I'm a fourth year now, what does that tell you? And it's not like my car doesn't have an aux cord because it does, I just haven't updated anything in years. Then again, my car has so many neat features about it that I don't even use and I've had it for a year. I slow down and put my turn signal on as I pull into the driveway of the house. I push the button on my car keys, which are dangling out of the ignition, and the garage door opens up for me. Alex's black Ford Escape truck is already in the garage so there's no room for my car, even if it is nothing but a tiny little Volkswagen Jetta. Our garage is so small.

I shut the garage door with my keys and settle for parking my car in the driveway. I put my car in park and shut it off. I guess he beat me home. I feel bad now because dinner's not done and I pride myself in having dinner done for him when he gets home. I pick up my birthday present from Steph and Shane and get out of my car. I lock the doors with the remote and walk across the lawn to get to the front door. I'm having serious deja-vu about this time last year. Around this time last year, I came home from my 3:00 class to a brand spanking new, candy red Volkswagen Jetta sitting in my driveway. It had three miles on it and the three miles were from Alex driving it home from the dealership. If last year's birthday present was a car, I can only imagine what this year's present is going to be. I told him last week that I don't want anything but a movie night on the couch for my birthday but knowing Alex, he didn't listen. I shove my house key in the lock and turn it.

Our house isn't exactly what you would expect a multimillionaire to live in but that's why I like it—it's homely. It's small, with only two bedrooms and two bathrooms but it's big enough for just the two—err—the three of us, rather. It's dark blue with white windowpanes and white shutters. It's really nice for a small house, don't get me wrong. I mean, it's nice enough for Steph and Shane to have gasped when they opened the doors for the first time. It's just not the typical mansion you would expect. The grass is very green and neatly cut down low and aside from the hose in the middle hooked up to the sprinkler, the yard is very clean. I push open the front door and as soon as I shut it behind me, the third member of our "family" runs from the kitchen to greet me. "Hi Vader!" I put my gift bag down on the floor and bend down to pick him up, even though he's heavy. He licks me all over my face and his heavy tail wags and hits me in the stomach. He's only three months old. Me and Alex got him from a rescue shelter when he was two months old. He looks like a fluffy, white polar bear. The shelter didn't know exactly what he is but judging by his appearance, they ruled him as a Samoyed-Husky mix. "Hi Vady baby." I kiss the top of his head and put him back down. And yes...his name is Vader, short for Darth Vader from Star Wars. Can you guess who named him?

I bend down and pick my bag back up. I take my shoes off next to the door and walk down the hallway into the kitchen. Alex is standing in the middle of the floor, moving his foot back and forth. Once he cleans up whatever it was he was wiping with a paper towel stuck to his foot, he tosses the soiled paper towel away and grabs Vader by his collar. "No! Outside!" He swats Vader on the butt with his hand and drags him over to the back door. "Damn dog...pissin' all over the house..."

"He's a puppy." I lean against the island and sigh. I love being home after a long day of classes. "Instead of whooping him all the time, why don't you try throwing him outside whenever you see him squatting to go to the bathroom? You can't just rub his nose in it and swat him every time he pees somewhere. You gotta let him know where to pee at. You gotta catch him in the act." I sort through the mail in the middle of the island and see that it's nothing real important so I gather it all up and walk it over to the trashcan. "What do you want for dinner?" I stand in front of the fridge.

He shuts the back door to keep Vader out in the yard for a while and walks over to me. "Hey babe...how was your day?" He ignores my question and puts his arms around my waist while he kisses me on my cheek.

"It was fine. A little stressful but it's getting down to the wire, so I can't really complain. I knew it was gonna get stressful." I keep looking around in the fridge for something I can fix us for dinner. "You have no idea how much I need this weekend off. I feel like my brain is gonna explode." I close the fridge when I see nothing and open up the freezer instead. "I'm the only one in my class that passed the diagnosis exam so they sent me down to the children's clinic to log some rotation hours for my Pediatrics clerkship and they had me up on the oncology floor from 1:00 to 3:30." I close the freezer too and sit up on the counter. "Today was the first time that I considered specializing in Pediatrics. The kids were all so adorable but Alex, when they sent me up there to that cancer floor, I almost lost my mind. I can't look at sick babies all day." I push my hair back away from my face and watch as he goes over to our pantry and grabs a box of teabags. "I have two weeks of school left and I still don't know what I want to specialize in. I haven't found anything that I excel at. I aced all my clerkships and there's nothing that I really like, you know?"

"I thought you wanted to be an orthopedist anyway...what happened to that?" He fills up the teapot with water and sticks it on the stove. He grabs two mugs from the cupboard and puts a teabag in each of the mugs. "And you just have to do what you liked the most. You don't want to get bored with something. Don't tell me you're so good at everything that you can't pick one." He walks back over to me and puts his hands on my legs. "What'd you like the most?"

"I still like orthopedics a lot but I feel like I'd get bored splinting arms and resetting bones all day. Call me morbid, but I want the bloody stuff." I swing my legs and put my hands on his shoulders. "I really, really, really enjoyed my internal medicine rotation a lot but I can't be a surgeon. You know how much pressure that is? But that's also so freaking ideal, too. Like...I could be an orthopedic surgeon, dealing with bones all day and getting blood on my hands. And say I do go into surgery as a specialty and choose ortho as my subspecialty... when you're a surgeon and go into your internship, they don't let you specialize. You go into a bunch of different rotations again. What if I like something else during my intern year?" I put my hands over my face and take a breath. "I dunno, I'm stressed out..."

"You wanna drop out again?" He takes his hands off my legs and puts them on my lower back while he leans his head down. I tilt my head upwards and kiss him on his lips. "You coming home and talking to me about it is better than you coming home crying and threatening to drop out like you did last week." I nod my head and look down at the floor. He puts his lips to my forehead and gives me a reassuring kiss before he walks away to take the teapot off the stove. I tuck my hair away from my face and stretch my arms out, careful not to fall off the counter that I'm sitting on. "Why don't you try talking to your friends about this stuff though? I clearly don't understand how much stress you're under...they understand...don't they?"

"Yeah, but believe me...Steph and Shane would have a field day teasing me if they knew I came home crying last week and threatening to drop out of school altogether." I slide down off the counter and go over to the back door to let Vader back in. "I'm the one that's supposed to have it all together between the three of us. I'm the one that tutors, the one that always knows what she's doing. I'm not the one that comes home crying to her boyfriend about how she can't do it anymore. I can't go crying to them about it." I open up the door and wait for Vader to run from his favorite shady spot underneath the tree. "I know they wouldn't judge and they would understand but I don't know...I kinda like it when they ask me for help. If I know what I'm doing, they should ask me for help. They're my friends and without me, Shane would've failed on more than one occasion and Steph is clueless sometimes. I'm never clueless but sometimes I just get so burnt out."

"You put way too much pressure on yourself, Jo." He sprinkles equal amounts of sugar into both mugs of tea and dunks the bags up and down. I close the door behind Vader and go over to shelf next to the pantry to give him a dog biscuit. "I like the fact that your friends push you to make yourself better but you can't constantly worry about their work when you're worrying about their own. If you can't handle being a tutor and a mentor to your friends then don't. I'm not kidding." He brings my glass of tea to me and I take a slow sip of it. "I'm not going to let you burn yourself out like this. The whole point of me paying for you to finish your schooling was to take the stress off of you. The only thing you need to worry about is school. You're stressing yourself out way too much over this." He tucks my hair behind my ear for me and puts his forehead against mine. "You're brilliant, babe. Always on the Dean's List, highest GPA in your class...and you work for it. I'm so proud of you. But you do not need to constantly strive to be the best. You're wearing yourself out. I need you to relax once in a while. You don't need to try as hard as everyone else does...you have an advantage...you're naturally smart. You can relax every now and again."

"Me? Relax? I don't know the definition." I take another sip of my tea and put it down. "Now seriously, what do you want for dinner tonight?" I turn around and go back to the refrigerator. "What kind of meat do you want? Chicken, beef or pork?"

He sighs dramatically. "Just two more weeks of this...two more weeks of you being a stressed out mess. I can't wait until you walk across that damn stage. I hate seeing you so frantic." He grabs the dog food off the counter and refills Vader's bowl. "And I was thinking we could order Chinese tonight. You don't have to cook."

"Yeah, two weeks until I graduate...and that's assuming I don't flunk my finals like hell." I close the fridge once again since he suggested we order takeout.

"Josephine Wilson, have you ever failed a test in your life?" He closes up the dog food and reaches down to lovingly pet Vader's head.

"First time for everything." I unzip my jacket and take it off. "I'm going to go take a shower and get in my jammies." I sling my jacket over my arm. "...There's cake in the bag...help yourself."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I twirl my fork into the lo mein noodles sitting on my lap and take a heaping bite. She's sitting right next to me with her head on my shoulder, typing away on her school laptop. I wanted her to have all the storage space she needs for school so I bought her two different laptops. She has a school laptop and a personal laptop. She's typing something up on her school laptop and although I can read all the words she's typing, I have no idea what any of it means. Just two more weeks until she's free. I had no idea how stressful med school was going to be for her. Throughout the four years she's been in school, there have been a number of times where she's come home so stressed out that she cried in my arms. Last week was the worst though. She came through the door from her 2:00 class and she was already bawling her eyes out, telling me that she couldn't do it anymore and that she needed to drop out. She had five papers due all on the same day, she did horribly on her first round of her mastery of clinical skills exam and she missed out on six hours of her psychology clerkship. I literally had to pick her up off the floor and hold her until she was done crying. Seeing her cry over being stressed out like that really put things into perspective for me.

Medical school must be pretty tough to break someone like Jo down like that. Jo's very, very tough. I've been with her for almost four whole years and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen her cry the way she cried when she came home last week. It's been a rough four years getting her through school and technically, it hasn't really been four years...it's been more like three and a quarter since the semesters run weird. She started school back in the fall of 2015 and she's graduating in the summer of this year. The semesters run weird so while it's actually been four years of school according to a college calendar, it's technically only been three and a quarter years since she's started.

I twirl my fork in the noodles again and hold the forkful to her lips. She leans her head forward a bit, parts her lips and takes a bite. I take my attention off the episode of The Big Bang Theory I was watching and give it to her schoolwork. I admire the hell out of Jo for being as smart as she is and having the strength to stick through med school even when she wanted to quit but I sure do hate watching her stress herself out and push herself to the max. She comes home from classes every day and spends the rest of her evening on the computer, doing schoolwork. She has a couple friends that she hangs out with but literally, all Jo does is go to school and come home and do schoolwork. I've never actually met her friends but she talks about them a lot and they seem like cool people. "What are you working on?"

"I'm making an outline for Shane. He flunked his microbiology thing for the third time and since you can't flunk three times without flunking the exam for good, Dr. Miller's giving him an extra credit paper to write that'll nullify the fact that he failed so many times. So I'm helping him out by making him an outline." She nudges her glasses up with her index finger and continues to type. I smile at the nerdy way she nudges her glasses. She's a sexy nerd but a nerd nonetheless. She named our dog after Darth Vader, for crying out loud. "...So how did I beat you home today? Did you not go to the gym?"

"No, I did...I just came home a little early to let the dog out the cage." I give her the last bite of my lo mein and put the empty container down on the coffee table. "I took a shower...wrote a little bit...the good stuff."

"Yeah?" She stops typing and turns her head to look at me. "How's the book coming along? Can I read any of it yet?"

"Not yet." She rolls her eyes at me and sticks her tongue out. "Look, writing takes time...it doesn't just happen. I'm not even halfway through chapter six yet. It'll take me another year or so to finish the first half...two years before it's okay enough to publish."

"You won't even let me know what it's about. Why is it so hush-hush?" She continues typing again.

"Because it's gonna be a big one." I put my head against hers and inhale the scent of her shampoo. "There's a lot riding on this book and I really feel like it could be my best. There's a lot of pressure on it though. It's gonna be Michael Evans' first book after a five year hiatus...it's gonna be his first non-science-fiction book...lotta pressure on this book. I don't want you to read it until it's absolutely perfect." I have a lot going into this book and Jo's a big part of the reason why I decided to start writing again so I don't want her to read ANY of this book while it's anything less than perfect.

"So hush-hush that not even your girlfriend can know what it's about?" She smiles and continues typing. "Whatever it's about...I'm sure it'll be great." She picks up her cell phone and looks at a text message from her friend Shane. She puts it back down and types some more. I was going to wait until 12:00 to give her her present but I don't think I can wait anymore. I gently get up from the couch and go over to the coat closet in the corner of our living room. "Hey, while you're up, bring me something to drink." She has no idea that I got her a gift because I told her that I wouldn't. But of course I got her something. It's her birthday. I grab the big Star Wars themed gift bag from the shelf in the closet and shut it. I put it behind my back and go back to the living room. I hide it behind the side of the couch and stand in front of her. "Did you get my drink?" She looks up from her laptop. I put my hand on top of the computer and shut it. "Alex!"

"Shhh." I reach next to the couch and present her with it.

"...I said no presents." She sighs. "It's not even my birthday yet...come on Alex, don't...I said no."

"Hush up and open it." I put it on her lap.

She sighs again and reluctantly starts to open the present. "...What's this?" She pulls out the only thing that's in the bag. It's a big, brown book. I stand in front of her to watch her reaction while she opens it. She opens the front cover to a picture of my dad's old store when it was still standing before it burned down, four years ago. "Is this the..." She has the biggest smile on her face.

"It's a memory book...just so you don't forget where we came from." I watch her turn the pages. Some of the things in the book aren't pictures at all, since I didn't have pictures of everything. I took the time and printed out some song lyrics from the songs we listened to while we were driving all those years back and I went online to find pictures of the places we went. Some of them were hard to find...like Big Surf, for example. That park shut down two years ago.

She gasps when I turn to the picture of me and her on our first date at the amusement park I took her too. "Look how young we were!" She holds the book closer to her face. "...Look how long my hair was...and it was all brown." She grabs a strand of her hair and looks at it now. She's been getting it cut shorter in the recent years. It's still long but in the picture she's looking at, it came down to her waist and now, it's just in the middle of her back. It used to be one solid brunette color but she's had blonde highlights for a couple years now. The shorter hair and the highlights make her look so much older. "And look at your hair...look how long it was...baby." I have my hair shaved these days. (**A/N:** Like early season three Alex, for reference) I don't have that shaggy hair anymore. It's cut pretty low. "...We were so little."

She's turning 27 in a couple hours and I know she asked me not to get her anything but I don't think she quite understands how big that is. I met her when she was a little 23 year old kid. Watching Jo actually grow up for the last four years is kind of a big deal to me. She's 27 years old and that just reminds me how fast time's been flying by. I've been with her for four...years. And in the four years we were together, I've been the happiest I've ever been. It's kind of sentimental...maybe not to her but it is to me. I fell in love with her when she was just barely old enough to drink and now she's old enough to rent a car and a hotel room. It's tugging on my heartstrings to see her grow up a bit. If you look closely though, she's still very much like she used to be back then. She still likes to play around and joke. She still loves Star Wars. She grew out of needing me to sleep though...and she doesn't drool on my chest anymore. I'm glad to see she likes the book. She said no expensive presents...so I went inexpensive and homemade. I'm glad she likes it.

"Happy birthday, babe." I lean down and kiss her forehead.


	56. Happy Birthday

"She's actually asleep." I put my laptop into sleep-mode and close it, being careful not to move too much. Gently, I twist my body slightly and put my laptop on the nightstand next to my bed. "I know, but she knocked out by about...ten, ten thirty." I pick up the remote, brace my phone to my ear with my shoulder and start scanning through the channels for something to watch. "She's been real tired lately though. It's getting closer to her finals and stuff and she's been working real hard in her classes." I stop looking at the TV for a moment and look down at her. I'm sitting up against the headboard and she's lying on my abs/upper thigh with one of her arms behind my back and one draped across my waist. Her head is nestled in my waist and she's been asleep like that for about an hour and a half and I don't think she's going to wake up for the rest of the night. "Two weeks. May 20th. You, Ambs and Don gonna fly over?"

"No, I don't think we're gonna be able to fly over." I can hear the disappointment in her voice. "Amber's not done with finals until the end of May so she won't be able to come and I don't think Don's gonna be able to take the time off work either. I just don't think we're going to be able to swing it. Tell Jo that we're all sorry we can't make it but make sure you tell her how proud we are. Have her call me after she gets all settled in after graduation. I'll tell her myself that I'm proud of her." She clears her throat into the receiver. "I really wish we could make it."

"She'll understand. You know how she is. You know she's not like that. She won't be mad or upset. She'll completely understand." I crane my neck to the side so I can look over the edge of my bed and make sure that the dog is still lying in his bed where he's supposed to be. I usually let him roam around at night because when me and Jo aren't home during the day, he's caged up. But he's been pissing all over the place and disregarding the puppy-pads so I'm going to lock him up in me and Jo's room for the night. If he's gonna piss somewhere, I'd rather him piss in one room instead of the whole house. "You don't even have to apologize, ma. You know how Jo is."

"I know she'd understand but I'm still feeling some kind of way over not being there. She's my daughter, Alex. I know you don't think it's a big deal for me to be there but it's a big deal to me. It's not like she has parents of her own to invite. I feel bad because I had told her last month sometime that we'd be there."

"You know she's not actually your daughter-in-law yet, right?" I start at her temple and run my hand throughout the entire length of her hair. "Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm telling you, she will be fine. I know Jo and I know how she is. She will be fine if you're not there. You don't have to worry about it." When I touch her hair, she buries her face deeper in my stomach and moves her leg. I don't want to wake her, so I stop touching her altogether. "Besides, I already have plans for her graduation night. You guys would probably be bored anyway because I'm taking her out somewhere, just the two of us." I'm going to take Jo to this real good Italian place across town to celebrate her graduation. She told me that all she wants to do is sit in the house and order pizza but I'm not going to let that happen. She just put herself through four years of pure hell and she just wants to celebrate with pizza? No way. "I'm gonna take her out somewhere nice to eat."

"And?"

"And what, mom?"

"And then what? You're gonna ask her, aren't you?" Although I can't see her, I know my mom is smiling right now. I haven't been back to Kansas to see her since that time I took Jo with me to see her nearly four years ago, but ever since I met Jo, my mom and I have been talking a lot more. We went from talking once a month to once a week and from once a week to every day. Me and my mom's relationship has honestly never been better. I think she likes Jo more than she likes me though and I'm not lying about that. Not even waiting for me to give her an answer, she starts talking again. "Alexander Michael, don't you think you've made me wait long enough? I thought you were gonna do it when she graduated?! What are you waiting for? And don't say for her to get older; she's 27 years old. What. Are. You. Waiting for?"

I try to contain my laughter for the sake of letting Jo sleep, so I chuckle a little. "It's gotta be the right moment, mom. You know that. I'm not going to just ask her to marry me as soon as she graduates because then it would seem fake. I wanna make sure it's the right time. A proposal's a big deal and I don't wanna freak her out with making it too soon. If I proposed at her graduation, she would feel like that's all I was waiting for. I don't want her to think that the only reason I put her through school, supported her and stuck around for four years is because I was waiting for her to say yes to marrying me because that's not the case. I put Jo through school because I love her, ma. I love her and I want to see her follow her dreams and be happy. I supported her because I love her and I stuck around because she makes me the happiest man alive. I just don't want her to feel like I'm only asking because she graduated... I don't want to screw this up. I'm gonna do it... I just gotta get the ring first and then I'm gonna make sure it's the right time."

"When do you feel the time is going to be right then, Ally?" Her voice is soft, understanding.

"I don't know. It's gonna be soon...it'll definitely be sometime this month. I was gonna do it today, on her birthday but I chickened out. But it's gonna be soon. I don't know exactly when and I don't have anything special planned because Jo's not really a special kind of girl. She wouldn't want me to write it in the skyline or anything like that. She would prefer something private. So I don't have anything big and special planned. I think when I do it, it'll be a me and her thing. I'm not sure when, but it'll be soon."

"I can't wait...I cannot wait. Dear god, I'm so excited!" She squeals, which makes me laugh again. I don't know exactly why my mom adores Jo the way she does but I'm not questioning it. You always hear the horror stories about how the spouses don't get along with the in-laws and I'm just glad that doesn't seem like it's going to be a problem for Jo and my family. My mom's borderline obsessed with her and she and Amber are actually friends. They text each other a lot and Jo spent two hours on the phone with Amber last weekend, just talking about boy troubles and stuff. I even think my mom's husband has taken a liking to her. I think Jo just has that effect on people. It's kind of impossible to be around her and not love her. "Anyway..." She clears her throat again. "How have you been doing, Alex? How's the book and everything going?"

"It's going good, mom." I take a quick look at the clock on my nightstand and sigh as I realize that I should probably get off the phone with her. We've been on the phone for about 45 minutes and it's currently 11:50. Jo's birthday is in exactly ten minutes and I have to get off the phone with my mom because I'm going to wake her up at 12 to wish her an official happy birthday. Plus, I have some other dirty things planned to celebrate her birthday but I won't tell my mom about that. "I'm gonna go now, ma. It's getting late, Jo's already sleeping and my pillow's calling my name too." I rest my head against the wall I'm sitting up against. "Before I go...are you guys okay over there?" I've developed a habit of asking my mom if she's okay before we get off the phone. I didn't think I'd ever care about my mom again after she left me as a kid but here I am, caring. "You guys need some money or somethin'?"

"No, Ally. We're fine here." I still cringe when she calls me that though. That name is so embarrassing. It's almost like she's pulling out the old photo albums and showing the world naked baby pictures of me every time she calls me "Ally". It's literally the most embarrassing thing. "Goodnight...and wish Jo a happy birthday for me."

"I will. Night mom." She mumbles a "night" back to me and I take the phone away from my ear and hang it up. I plug my phone into the charger and look at the time again. Seven minutes until Jo's birthday. I turn my head and look at her. Her face is so relaxed and calm, nestled in the side of my stomach. I reach across my body and stroke her hair back again and this time, she doesn't budge. I almost hate to wake her up but I have to wish her a happy birthday at midnight. She's just been so tired lately. She's been burning herself completely out with this whole medical school thing. We watched one movie downstairs on the couch before she asked me if we could come upstairs and that's not like Jo. When we have movie night, she usually wants to watch two or three movies. I put in "Gone Girl" and not even halfway through the movie, I caught her falling asleep. She stayed awake long enough to finish out the movie but just as I was about to put in "American Sniper", she asked me if we could come upstairs and watch TV. I turned on "Fantasy Factory" because Jo loves that show and I thought for sure that if I turned it on, she'd stay awake. She put her head on my stomach, wrapped her arms around me and she was out like a light. I decided to let her sleep.

On the floor, I watch the dog roll over in his bed and put his paws up in the air. Maybe I should just go to sleep instead of waking Jo up. The dog is sleeping, Jo's sleeping, I'm the only one in the house still awake. I look at the clock once more and see that it's 11:57. I might as well stick it out until 12:00. There's no sense in me staying up this late just to turn around and go to sleep now. Vader kicks his legs like he's running in his sleep and turns back over on his side. That dog is super attached to Jo. He likes me and he'll curl up and sleep on the couch with me sometimes but Jo is his best friend. He'll look out the window until Jo comes through the door and when she does, he's all over her. He adores her. But like I said before, everyone falls in love with Jo. She's just that kind of person. When we went to the shelter to get him, me and Jo bickered the entire time. We even bickered over his name because I hated the name "Vader" but Jo was insisting that we name him Vader. It doesn't bother me anymore. The name kind of suits him. We couldn't agree on anything with the dog though...

"_Still think we should've just gone to that breeder down the street. We could've gotten a little purebred Pomeranian." Since I'm bored and unamused with Jo filling out the adoption papers, I innocently swing the collar we just bought around my finger. She staples the papers together and excitedly hands them to the adoption specialist. It's insane how many things you have to do to adopt a freaking dog. These people had to come in and examine our house to make sure it's suitable for a dog, we had to fill out a bunch of papers and it's just been so crazy. All this for a DOG. I blame Jo though. We could've gone to a breeder down the street from our house and bought a Pomeranian flat out instead of doing all this. She insisted that we'd come to the Humane Society though. I swing the yellow collar around some more and sigh. _

"_Come on, lets go pick one out." Jo rolls the matching yellow leash up and grabs ahold of my hand. She starts pulling me down the hallway and in an effort to seem visibly annoyed with this whole thing, I drag my feet. "Seriously, Alex? You would rather buy a purebred for $400 than spend $20 adopting a puppy that needs a good home? Are you serious?" She opens the door that leads back to the dog cages and all we hear is a bunch of whimpering, barking and crying. "I don't even like Pomeranians."_

"_This whole process is just annoying though. We should've gone to the breeder. It's closer to home, a Pomeranian is just what we're looking for. We just want a small dog, right? There was no reason we needed to come here." I close the door behind us and halfheartedly follow her around so we can look for a damn dog. _

"_Why do we have to get a small dog though? I want a big one. I don't want a little ankle-biter." She crosses her arms. "Please? Can we at least get a medium-sized one?" I close my eyes and shake my head. "Don't be so heartless, baby." She walks over to me and puts her arms around my neck. "Just think about how we're giving an innocent little puppy a good home. Why should we take a puppy off a breeder that has a nice home whenever we can give a puppy in need of a good home, a good home? That doesn't make much sense." _

_I cup my hand around her waist and kiss her cheek. "Go pick one out." She smiles, claps her hands and excitedly runs off towards the cages. Jo usually wins arguments with me. Most of the time it's because I just decide to give in because it's entirely too hard for me to say no to her. Even when I don't agree with something she says, I usually just give in. She always wins and I think she knows that I can't say no to her. She uses it to her advantage. She's so spoiled. "Not too big, Jo!" I follow her slowly as she runs. "Nothing real big!" I round the corner to the cages and she's already sizing some of the dogs up. _

_She walks past a cage full of little Chihuahuas and stops at a cage with an English Bulldog. "She's kinda cute, isn't she?" She gets down on her knees and sticks her hand in the cage. The bulldog walks over to her and sniffs her hand. "Hey girl..." The smile on Jo's face is so priceless. "How about her, Alex?" She looks up at me for approval. _

"_No girls. I don't wanna have to get her spayed and I don't want her bleeding all over the house when it's that time of the month." The bulldog is kind of cute but I'd rather have a boy dog. "She's cute though."_

"_You're right about the bleeding thing." She gives the dog one last pet and gets up again. She walks past a cage of Yorkshire Terriers, past a cage of Dachshunds, a cage of Schnauzers and a cage of Jack Russell Terriers. "I don't really see anything. I don't want a little dog. I think Pugs are ugly, the Bulldog is a girl...I don't see anything I like." She keeps walking and looking. "German Shepherds are too big for you...you don't want a Labrador or a Golden Retriever." She seems so upset. "And all these dogs are old. I want a damn puppy. I don't want something that's going to die in a year." She walks all the way to the end of the walkway that's filled with cages and I'm still standing by the Bulldog. If the Bulldog is the only thing she likes, I'll get her fixed and we can take her. I want something that Jo likes. "ALEX!" She waves me over to her and her face is all lit up and excited. She must've found something else. After she waves me over, she kneels down on her knees again and shoves her entire arm into the cage. "Come here, buddy...come here." She's trying to coax whatever's in the cage to her._

_I make it to the cage she's kneeling in front of. Sitting at the complete back of the cage is a small, white, fluffy dog with it's head down. It's resting on three out of four of it's paws and it won't even look up. Jo's trying so hard to get it to come to her. I flip open the little information card hanging on the outside of the cage and read it. It's a boy and his name is Kimbo. It's a Samoyed-Siberian Husky Mix and it's a month old. He's had all his shots. I close the information card and look back at the thing. It's only a MONTH old and it's already the same size as that full-grown Bulldog. "Jo's he's gonna be huge. Pick something else. The card says he's only a month old. He's gonna be way too big."_

"_...But Alex, look." She taps on the floor. "Come here buddy...come here. Come here." The dog limps over very slowly to her. "He's limping...something must be wrong with his paw." The dog comes close enough for her to touch it. She rubs his head and coos at him like he's a baby. "You wanna come home with me?" The dog licks her hand and she keeps petting his head. "You can come home with me..." She scratches between his ears. "I want him, Alex."_

"_Jo, no. No. He's going to be ENTIRELY too big. Look at the size of his paws. Look at how big his head is. He's going to be huge and we can't do anything with that. No Jo. Pick something else. He's going to be huge."_

"_But look at him." She's still petting him. "He likes me."_

"_I'm putting my foot down. No Jo. Get something else."_

"_Stop being a dick. I want him."_

"_...Whatever." I get closet to the cage and stick my hand in to touch the dog. Maybe he won't be so bad. He's pretty calm and quiet. I just didn't want us to get this big huge dog. It's not like me and Jo live in a house built for two people and a huge dog. But she really likes him and he doesn't seem like he'll be too much trouble. "I'll go tell the lady we want this one."_

"_Thank you!" Jo stands up and hugs me again. "His name's gonna be Darth Vader. He looks like a Darth Vader, doesn't he?" She looks back at the dog again with adoration in her eyes. _

"_We're not naming the dog Darth Vader. I'm drawing the line at that."_

"_Alright, his name is just Vader then."_

I don't know how I let Jo talk me into getting a dog but I did somehow. She was just going on and on and on one day about how we should get a puppy because the house seemed empty. I told her that neither one of us have the time to take care of a puppy but she was adamant about wanting a puppy. It didn't sound like a bad idea to get a dog. I like dogs just as much as she does and I agree that the house was rather empty with just the two of us sometimes. And maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but I think we should at least try to take care of a dog before we take care of our own kids someday. I don't regret getting Vader. He's a sweet dog and I really like him.

For the third time, I look at the clock again. It's 12:00 on the dot. I smile at the thought that it's officially her birthday. Sometimes I get emotional on Jo's birthdays. She's celebrated three birthdays with me since we've been together and every birthday is the same—I get a little bit emotional. I think maybe I get so emotional because around this time a few years ago, I wasn't even sure if I cared about being loved again. I didn't care about finding a wife, I didn't care about getting married and having kids. I just cared about myself and my career. Then I met her and I realized that I did want to get married and I did want to have kids. And I distinctly remember having a daydream about where we'd be right now. I thought for sure that I would be married with a kid, she would be engaged and we would have drifted apart by now. I never once considered the possibility of us living like this. Still together, happily committed to one another, about to graduate medical school, with our puppy and me about to ask her to marry me. That's why every time Jo's birthday passes, I get emotional. Because I never thought that we'd be 27 and 34 and still happily together. You know what? I think the right time will be at her graduation. My mom's right. What am I waiting for? Jo's the one and what better time to pop the question than at her graduation ceremony? I'm gonna go buy the ring tomorrow.

I pick up the remote and shut off the TV. I put the remote down on my nightstand and carefully reach up against the wall to turn the light off. It's pitch black in our room right now. I sit back down in the bed and lean against the wall like I've been doing. I reach down and smooth Jo's hair back. "Babe...wake up." I whisper at first. It took me a while to learn how to properly wake Jo up. Well, it took me a while to learn that there really is no proper way to wake her up without putting her in a horrible mood, but there is a way to wake her up so that she won't want to completely rip your head off. I slide down in the bed and put my lips against her temple. "Wake up, Jo...wake up." Hr eyebrows wrinkle but she doesn't budge. "Wake up..." I put my hand against her shoulder and shake her very gently. "Wake up, Jo..."

"I don't wanna put it on..." She mumbles into the pillow, which makes me laugh. Jo holds full conversations in her sleep sometimes. I wonder what she's dreaming about. I put my lips against hers and give her a soft kiss. She moves her head again and takes a hard breath. She groans as she picks her head up off the pillow and sighs. "What?" She snaps at me.

"Happy birthday." I immediately kiss her on her lips, harder this time. She doesn't even kiss me back. She just puts her head back down on the pillow and mumbles an obscenity at me. I chuckle and obnoxiously kiss her cheek. "No, get up...get up. It's your birthday...get up." I smuggle my face into the crook of her neck and kiss it. "It's your birthday..." She yells at me but I can't tell what she yelled because her face in buried in the pillow. "Come on babe." I kiss her neck some more. "It's your birthday. I have something to give you... I have a present for you." I put my hand on her waist and suck on her neck but she's not even moving. "I have something to give you."

"I said no presents." She mumbles and turns her head away from me so I'll stop kissing her neck.

"It's special though. I have something real special to give you..." I find another entrance to her neck and kiss it again. "You're gonna love it. Just let me give it to you..."

"Give it to me then!" She snaps again.

"Now?" I move from her neck to her cheek. "You want it now? Right now?" She nods her head. "You want me to give it to you now?" She nods again. "Okay." I kiss her on her lips again and lift her shirt up just a little. I think she gets the idea of what her birthday "present" is because she groans again, mumbles something and shoves her head back into the pillow as if she's severely annoyed. Since she's not helping me by rolling over on her back, I lift her shirt up some more and kiss her back. I kiss her sides and shove my fingers in the rim of her underwear so I can pull them down. To my surprise, she actually lifts up to help me. I take her underwear off and throw them to the floor.

"I can't believe you woke me up for sex..." She mumbles and finally turns around on her back. I kiss her lips and climb on top of her. "You're such a bastard."

"I can't believe you expected me to let you sleep." I kiss her neck and pull her shirt up some more. "You know what we do on birthdays...you did it to me on mine. I'll do it to you on yours." I suck on her neck. She wraps her arms around my neck and slides her hands through my hair. She has to let me go though. It's her birthday so I'm going to do all her favorite things tonight. She did all my favorite things on my birthday for two whole hours and it's her turn. So I reach up and unwrap her arms from around my neck. She looks up at me with a sexy little smirk on her face. I lean down and kiss her on her lips once more. "Happy birthday." I start kissing down her body to start off with the thing she likes the most.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"My mom said for you to call her so she can tell you happy birthday and stuff." He's busy running around the kitchen to get me a mug of coffee. We have to go out and run some errands today. He wanted us to go out for a birthday breakfast this morning but I turned it down. I know it's my birthday and all but honestly, it just feels like a regular day to me. That's all I want it to be is a regular day. I don't want special treatment or expensive, lavish gifts for my birthday. I just want to do normal things. So instead of anything special, we're going out in about an hour. We're taking Vader to go get his second set of shots and then he has an appointment with the vet so see about his paw. It was broken in four places when we first got him. I think it's all the way healed now because he's been running but we're taking him to the vet to get the official ruling. After we take care of the dog, we're going to get the oil changed on my car and then we're going to do some grocery shopping and then after we get home, I'm gonna study a little bit. I think Steph and Shane want to come over and have a study session later. I'm perfectly satisfied with the gifts he got me for my birthday and I'm perfectly satisfied with not celebrating any further. The memory book was sweet and the sex last night was dirty and hot. I'm fine with this being all of my birthday. "Jo? You hear me?"

"Hmm?" I look up from my laptop and nudge my glasses up on my nose with my finger. "Yeah, I heard you." I was a little preoccupied with checking my grades to make sure they're up to par and stuff but I did hear what he said about his mom wanting me to call her. "I already talked to your mom, babe." I click on the results for my Psychology clerkship to see how many hours I need. "She told me happy birthday, she missed me, yadda yadda yadda. I already talked to her." I need two more hours to finish my clerkship.

"She tell you they're not gonna be able to make it to graduation?" He pours me a mug of coffee and dumps just the right amount of creamer into it and just the right amount of sugar I like. I stop looking at my laptop and look at him instead. I was so excited to see everyone at my graduation and now they can't come? That sucks. They're literally the only family I have to invite anywhere and they can't even make it. "Yeah, they can't make it. Amber's got finals to take and Don can't take the time off work. They're sorry." I nod my head and look back at my laptop. I want to cry but I won't. I understand about the finals and stuff. I understand that they can't just drop everything and come to Massachusetts in the middle of May. I'm disappointed yes, but I'm not angry and I understand. "Maybe we can take a trip to Kansas after graduation. Just me and you. We can stick Vader in the kennel for a weekend and go to Kansas. Okay?" I nod my head. He smiles and tries to seem cheerful but I know he can sense that I'm really upset. He brings my mug of coffee over to me and puts down a small, pink, oval-shaped pill next to it. I pick up the pill and put it in my mouth and swallow it with a sip of coffee. "You okay?" He asks. I nod my head. "You been keeping up with your medicine?" I nod again.

It's sweet how much Alex checks up on me but it tends to get rather annoying at times. He treats me like I'm some kind of fragile little butterfly that's going to break over the most minor infractions. I keep up with my medicine just fine. I take it every morning right along with my birth control pill. I will admit that I probably would've forgotten to take it this morning if he hadn't set it in front of me a second ago though. I didn't take my birth control this morning but I'll take it when I go upstairs to get dressed. I don't know exactly why Alex is constantly checking on me. Okay so, we've been together for four years. Four happy, amazing, GREAT years. But I would be a liar if I said that the entire four years has been easy. I think the roughest patch we went through was when he dragged me against my will to see somebody. I don't know, I just came home from classes one day during my third year and I was talking to him about how I really felt burnt out and how I needed to just sleep and not wake up. And the talk got deeper than that and he dragged me to go see someone and well, I've been on that little pink pill called Celexa ever since. It's been helping my "major depressive disorder" a lot. It took me a while to be un-pissed off at Alex though. I was mad at him for about a month for taking me to get medicated but when I look back at how sad I used to get at times, and I think about that night when I really almost killed myself, I kind of just want to thank him. I really do love him.

"What are you doing?" He stands behind me and looks over my shoulder at my laptop. He starts playing with my ponytail as he looks. "Checking grades?" I nod my head. "How about we forget about schoolwork for your birthday?" He kisses me on my cheek and rubs my shoulders. "At least for a little while, okay?" I shrug. "...Look babe, I know you're upset about my mom and them not being able to make it to graduation but I'll still be there." He gently takes my hair out of the ponytail I threw it in. "Me and you can celebrate by ourselves. It'll be okay. I promise we'll take a trip to Kansas to see everyone after graduation." He starts weaving a French braid into my hair. "Okay?"

"It's just depressing because I have ten tickets to give out. I have ten tickets to invite people...and I thought that I was going to use at least four. But now I guess I'm only using one." I sigh. "I'll give the rest to Steph and Shane though. They have big families that want to come." I shut my laptop down after I check all my grades. "I do understand though. I get that they can't just up and leave. I understand." I let him finish putting the braid in my hair. He holds his hand out so I can hand him the ponytail holder. I take it off the island we're sitting at and hand it to him. He ties it around the end of my braid. "We should probably go get dressed...get Vader to the vet." I slowly climb down off the bar stool I was sitting on. "Oh, are you gonna be home later?" I turn around to ask him. "Steph and Shane wanna come over to study and stuff and they were complaining yesterday about how they haven't met you."

"Uh...yeah. I should be." He starts cleaning up the kitchen. "I have some stuff I need to run out and do later but it shouldn't take real long. I should be home by the time they come over."

"Stuff like what?"

"Don't worry about it."


	57. Can't Wait

Steph pushes her empty glass against the lever in the ice maker on the fridge and fills her cup up with crushed ice cubes. Shane is standing at the microwave watching the popcorn pop and I'm slaving in front of the oven, waiting for the timer to go off so I can take the pizza out of the oven. "So what'd you even do today? Don't tell me that having me and Shane over is the highlight of your birthday." Steph starts filling up another glass with ice. I open up the oven and take the pizza out of it. I hate to disappoint them but yeah, having Shane and Steph come over for a study session really is the highlight of my birthday. I'm not exactly upset about this being the highlight of my birthday though. I'd much rather have a night in the house with my friends than a night on the town, really. I guess maybe I'm just maturing because when I turned 21, all I wanted to do was go out and drink. Now, I'm turning 27 and all I want to do is hang out with my friends. "We're such boring people." Steph laughs.

"I know, right?" I open the drawer next to the stove to grab the pizza cutter. I'm not very hungry but I know that Steph and Shane are, which is why me and Alex bought snacks when we went grocery shopping. Alex took me out to Steak n' Shake for dinner. He tried to take me to Lonestar Steakhouse but all I wanted was a really good milkshake and a hamburger so I made him take me to Steak n' Shake instead. So like I said, I'm not hungry but I bought pizza, soda, popcorn and Oreos for Shane and Steph. I try to be a good friend to the two of them. I just realize that Steph and Shane aren't as fortunate as I am. They're not as well-off as I am since they actually have to pay their way through med school. They both live in tiny cramped apartments across town and that's primarily why we always study and hang out at my house."We're 27 year old med students and our idea of fun is sitting in the house eating junk food while we study. We're totally boring. It's shameful."

She puts the three glasses filled with ice on the counter and opens up the fridge to get drinks. I start cutting the pizza just as Shane takes the popcorn out of the microwave. "Jo, can he have some?" He motions down on the floor towards Vader, who's sitting right at Shane's foot, hoping for scraps to be dropped. I nod my head, concentrating on cutting the pizza so it's perfect. Vader's been really sluggish since getting his shots this morning so I'm actually surprised that he's back to his usual, begging-for-food-self. His paw's completely healed, by the way. He's officially okay to run around and chase birds in the yard like he always does. But we brought him home from the vet after getting three shots and he just wanted to lie down. Shane drops three pieces of popcorn down on the floor for him. "Where did you and your boyfriend get him again? My girlfriend's been wanting a puppy..."

"We got him from the Humane Society. We rescued him." I put the pizza cutter in the sink when I'm done with it and bend down to take a closer look at Vader. "You feelin' better Vady?" I scratch between his ears and lean my face down so he can lick me. "Yeah, you're okay...you're okay buddy." I kiss the top of his head and stand back up. "Shane, did you get that outline? I sent it to your email last night..." I pick up one of the glasses of soda Steph poured and take a sip. "I made sure it's pretty self-explanatory. I put everything in order of where it needs to be and I told you where you need to site your sources. That should make it pretty easy for you." I gather up the cookie sheet that the pizza's on and my glass of soda and carry it to the living room. Steph follows with the carton of cookies and Shane follows with the bowl of popcorn. "Shane, are you listening?"

"I heard you." He sits down in his usual spot at the left corner of the coffee table. Every time we eat food at my house, we all sit in the same places. I sit at the long side of the coffee table, closest to the couch so I can lean my back against it. Steph sits at the side opposite of me and Shane sits at the left corner. I put the pizza in the middle of the coffee table, on top of magazines and sit down in my usual spot. "You know Jo, sometimes you're just a little bit uptight." I wrinkle my brow at that comment. "When me and Steph come over to study time, that doesn't mean that we ALWAYS have to study, you know. Sometimes we can just hang out as friends. It's the weekend, why do we have to talk about school?"

"...If you guys don't want to study, that's fine. We don't have to. You just said that...that you wanted to come over so we could study so I just assumed that..." I look down at my hands in my lap and start anxiously picking at a hangnail on my thumb. _Great. My friends think I'm uptight. _"We don't have to study. We can hang out. Do you guys want me to go get some cards? Or something..."

"Jo, relax." Steph reaches across the table and puts her hand on my shoulder. She digs in her pocket and picks out her phone. I sigh and keep picking at the hangnail on my thumb. I pull it all the way back and accidentally make myself bleed. I squeeze my thumb against the side of my hand and watch as the blood collects into a puddle and trails down my thumb. I put it against the hip of my jeans and push hard to get the blood to clot and stop. Steph opens up an app on her phone and starts playing music. "Is your man candy upstairs sleeping?" She picks up a slice of pizza. "If he is, I'll turn the music down..."

"No, he's not home." I slowly pick up one single Oreo from the pack and bite off a piece of it. I didn't appreciate Shane calling me uptight. He made me feel like a real idiot. I can be a lot of fun sometimes. I'm really not all about studying and getting good grades. I know how to let loose and have fun. It's just that when they ask me to hang out, they always tell me that they want to come over and study. So I automatically think that all they want to talk about is school and classes and stuff. I obviously know how to have fun without talking about school. I'm not uptight...am I? "He's not upstairs sleeping or anything. He's not home so you can have the music up as loud as you want." I shove the rest of the Oreo in my mouth.

"Thought you said we'd get to meet him today." Shane comments, shoveling his second slice of pizza in his mouth. I don't know why they're so dead-set on meeting Alex. He's not all that special. I mean, he's special to me of course but he's not really all that serious for them to be so dead-set on meeting him. "Why is he never home? He's NEVER here when we are. Does he hate us or something?"

"He doesn't hate you guys. He never met you guys, how could he hate you? I really don't know why he's never here when you guys are. It just works that way, I guess." I shrug my shoulders and pick up another Oreo. "He'll be here though. He just went out to do some stuff. He actually should be back any second."

"So he actually exists?" Finishing off her first slice of pizza, Steph takes a turn picking with me.

"Yes." I roll my eyes. "If you guys don't stop being such assholes towards me, I'm not gonna let you come over anymore. You're both starting to get on my nerves."

"Oh Jo, we're just messing with you." Shane nudges me with his elbow. "Seriously though...can't you see where we're coming from? We've been friends for years and we've only ever heard stories about the guy. We're just messing with you though."

"Why would I lie about having a boyfriend though? And if I was lying, don't you think I'd take the time to come up with lies as to why he's not around? I'm not lying about Alex guys. I swear I'm not." I sigh and suck Oreo from the backs of my teeth with my tongue. I don't know why I'm getting so frustrated with Steph and Shane's teasing today. I'm usually really good with taking their jokes and teasing in stride and it never actually bothers me but today for some reason, I'm getting really annoyed. With them calling me uptight, accusing me of lying about my boyfriend and just berating me, I'm starting to get pretty pissed. "I'll be back guys. I have to pee." I pick myself up off the floor and go straight for the downstairs bathroom. I turn on the light and shut and lock the door behind myself. It's a good thing that I'm not too angry with them to calm down, otherwise it would've been a pretty horrible thing. They'd probably have to leave if I was too mad to calm down.

I open up the medicine cabinet and grab my little orange pill bottle. I twist off the cap and pour one into my hand. I stick my face under the faucet and gather up some water in my mouth, toss the pill in there and swallow. That should calm me down long enough to actually enjoy Steph and Shane's company. A couple weeks ago, Alex made the comment to me that he feels like a part of me actually hates my friends. He's wrong about that. While Steph and Shane do tend to annoy the crap out of me, I do like them. They just have very different senses of humor. My sense of humor is very dry, dark, sarcastic and sometimes corny while their senses of humor revolve around making fun of me. I do like my friends it's just that sometimes their senses of humor confuse me and they irritate me. It's never actually gotten so bad to the point where I needed to pop a Xanax like I just did though. That's new. I'm usually good at taking their jokes with a grain of salt.

I've been on the Xanax since I've been on the Celexa, actually. The Celexa is something I'm supposed to take everyday whereas the Xanax is something I only take when I need it. When situations like what just happened with Shane and Steph get too intense for me to handle, I'm supposed to take a Xanax to calm myself down. Shane and Steph are my best friends but they don't exactly know that I'm medicated. The only person that knows is Alex and that's only because he forced me into it. I was so mad at him that day but I heard his excuse as to why he did it and I understood why he did it. I was still so pissed though...

"_I thought you said we were just running to the post office. This isn't the post office..." I look out the window at the building that's CLEARLY not the damn post office. What kind of idiot does he think I am? Since when does the goddamn post office have the words, "Psychiatric Medical Facility" written on the building? "I thought you said we were going to the post office. Alex..." I can't move my legs all of a sudden and I can't feel myself breathing. I feel like my lungs are constricting. I can't breathe. What are we doing here?_

"_Come on..." He unbuckles his seat belt and turns to me. I'm not getting out of this damn car. What are we doing here? He reaches out and puts his hand against my shoulder. "Jo..." I slap his hand away from me so hard that I stung myself so I KNOW it stung him. "Jo don't..."_

"_Get away from me." I speak to him through clenched teeth. "Don't touch me, Alex. How dare you..." I'm seeing red right now. I kinda just want to beat the shit out of him. "You told me that you weren't judging, you were listening and you wouldn't ever give up on me. You're a fucking liar and I hate you. I hate you so much..." I shake my head at him. "I don't need to be here. I need a fucking boyfriend that'll listen to me. I need a boyfriend that's not such an asshole."_

"_Well Jo, when you're telling me that you want to sleep and never wake up...and you're telling me that you feel like you can't do anything right...and not to mention, remember a few years ago when you told me what you did when we split up for those two weeks? I let that go because I love you and I thought that you just needed someone to listen. I'm not letting this go, Jo. I let a lot of things go and maybe you think that me letting the stuff go just proves that I'm willing to listen to you and it proves that I love you but you're wrong, Jo. You're so wrong. Me letting the shit you tell me just slide just means that I don't love you enough to help you. I love you and that's why I'm doing this...I'm not doing this because I'm not listening to you. I'm not doing this because I'm judging. Get out the car, babe. Come on..."_

"_Fuck you, Alex. Really, fuck you." I cross my arms and stare straight ahead. I can't believe he's doing this to me. He LIED to me. He told me that we were just going to the post office. Why'd he lie to me? I knew I shouldn't have told him. I knew I should've just kept it to myself. I knew telling him how tired and worthless I felt for failing my toxicology exam was a mistake. "I'm not getting out of this fucking car so you might as well just drive home."_

"_Look Jo, I knew you were gonna hate me. Before I even brought you here, I knew you were gonna be mad and I knew there was a chance that me and you would fight. I knew. So you can go ahead, cuss at me all you want, tell me you hate me, whatever. But I have all day. We can sit in this car all day and we can argue until you're blue in the face. We'll sit here until you're ready to go in." He turns off the car and sits back in his seat as if he's getting comfortable._

"_We'll be sitting here for a while." I shrug my shoulders. "I'm not getting out of this car so you might as well just forget about it. I DON'T NEED TO BE HERE."_

"_Maybe you don't. But on the slight chance that you DO need to be here, I'm not wasting my time. So if you go in here and talk to someone and they decide that you don't need to be here, so be it. But I think you and that's why I brought you here. You're used to being the doctor in the situation Jo, the fixer...but not this time. I'm the one that's going to fix it this time, whether you like it or not." He sighs. "Just get out the car, Jo."_

"_No."_

"_Get out of the car."_

"_No."_

"_GET OUT OF THE CAR!"_

"_NO!" I scream at him so loud that my throat burns. He throws his hands up as if he surrenders to me but I know Alex and I know that him surrendering when he believes in something this wholeheartedly is a joke. So after he tosses his hands in the air, he leans across the car at me and starts taking off my seat belt. "Stop! Alex, get the fuck away from me. I'M SO SERIOUS, GET OFF!" He unbuckles my seat belt and starts taking it off and I don't know what comes over me, but something takes over and I draw my fist back and swing forward, connecting with his left eye. He acts like I didn't even hit him though. He just keeps trying to take my seat belt off. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" I put my hands against his and scratch him so hard that I break skin. "GET OFF!" I resist him as best as I can by pushing his head back with the palms of my hands. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"_

"_Jo, STOP IT!" He wraps his big, muscly arms around my waist and squeezes so tight that I literally can't breathe. I jab my elbow back into his stomach and that doesn't faze him. He just moves his arms up so that he's holding me around my chest. "Stop it...you need to calm down, okay? Stop it..."_

"_Lemme go!" _

"_No...I'm not letting you go." He keeps his arms around me really tight. I feel my body starting to calm down and my breathing is heavy, but returning to normal. It's not until I calm down a little that I realize that I've been crying the entire time. "Shh..." He forces my head against his chest and starts rubbing my hair. "It's okay, babe..." He puts his lips to my temple. "It's alright...it's alright." He's rubbing me and calming me down and I can't stop crying. I don't know if I'm crying because I'm mad at him or if I'm crying because I just beat the crap out of him like that. His arms are bleeding pretty nasty and his eye is really purple. "It's gonna be alright..." He starts to rub my back now. I sniff and give in to his maneuvers. I climb over to his side of the car and lie on his shoulder, crying into his neck. He rubs my back in soft circles. "I'm sorry I lied to you..." He strokes my hair again. "And maybe you don't need to be here, babe. Maybe you're right. But I don't want to take my chances of losing you. I love you...don't think that me bringing me here means I don't. It means I love you way too much to just sit back and watch something happen to you. I'm not judging you for any of this... you just need some help. And I want you to get help. I can't lose you.." He whispers in my ear. "I lost a girl I loved once and I got over it but Jo, if I lost you...if I ever lost you...I would never be okay. I can't lose you. I'm not strong enough to lose you." _

Alex walked around with a black eye for two weeks after that. I've never ever raised a hand at him since then and I still haven't completely forgiven myself for that. It happened last year and I'm still hating myself every day for doing that to him. For punching him in the face, scratching his arms like that. And the crazy thing is...he wasn't even mad at me for it. After I calmed down, he just helped me out the car and took me inside like it was nothing. And he sat out in the waiting room and waited two hours for me to come out while I was talking to the psychiatrist. I came out, he stood up and held my hand. I handed him my prescriptions and told him that she diagnosed me with something called "Major Depressive Disorder", "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" with a touch of PTSD from being abused in my foster homes and being raped or whatever. He didn't even bat an eyelash when I told him about my diagnoses and my prescriptions. He just gave me a hug, held my hand, got my prescriptions filled down at CVS and took me to get something to eat. That day in the car, Alex told me that he would never be okay if he lost me. Little does he know, I need him just as much—if not more than—he needs me. I love him so much.

I take a deep breath and turn off the bathroom light. I feel better now, after taking the Xanax. I open the door to the bathroom up and walk back to my living room. Steph and Shane are still sitting at the table. Steph is texting on her phone and Shane is feeding Vader popcorn. Before I go back to the living room, I take a look out the front window because I'm pretty sure I heard the truck in the driveway. I look out there and sure enough, I did. Alex is getting out of his truck carrying nothing but his phone and a cup from Starbucks. He said he had some errands to run but it doesn't look like he did anything but go to Starbucks. I shake my head at how he's got nothing but Starbucks in his hand and open up the front door for him. I sigh and go back to Steph and Shane. "Mystery Man's home." I sit down on the couch and pop a piece of popcorn in my mouth.

"Oh, he's actually here?" Steph sounds like she can't believe it and I playfully flick her off. See, the Xanax works miracles. If I was feeling the way I was feeling like ten minutes ago, I would've had to fight the urge to kick her but now, I'm fine with it. Vader jumps up and runs away from Shane, making his way over to the door to greet Alex. Steph and Shane both turn their heads to see him but they can't since there's a wall blocking the main hallway and the living room. As usual, I have this tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach upon Alex's arrival home. I don't know why it hasn't worn off yet but it hasn't and I still always get so incredibly excited when he gets home. I find myself missing him when he's gone and when he comes home, I'm like a giddy kid on Christmas morning. Four years together and that still hasn't changed.

"Move, Vade." Alex mumbles under his breath. I hear his shoes clunk down in the corner where we keep all our shoes and I hear his keys jingle as he hangs them up on the key rack. He walks in from the main hallway and stops in his tracks as he sees that I'm not alone in the living room. I told him that I was going to have Shane and Steph over for a couple hours. He must've forgot. "...Hey." He raises his hand in a lazy wave. I motion for him to come in the living room and he does. I lift my hand up for his Starbucks drink. He hands it to me. "I bought it for you. I took a couple sips but I got it for you." I take a sip of it, put my arm around his waist and rest my head against his leg.

I move my hand up and down in a loving caress. I never realize how much I miss him when he's gone until he gets home. I stop drinking the coffee and put it down. "Steph, Shane this is my baby." I bring my other arm over and complete the hug around his waist. "Baby, these are my best friends...Stephanie and Shane." Steph and Shane raise their hands and wave at him. Shane's mouth is full of Oreo, which is why he doesn't say hello and Steph's too busy gawking at him to open her mouth, which makes me laugh. "What kind of errands did you go out and run? Starbucks?" I take another sip of the drink he bought me and look up at him.

"I had some other things to do. I ran to the mall to get another charger for my phone and the Apple store was closed. Then Greg texted me and asked me to come over for a second so I did. And then I ran to Starbucks." He moves my hair away from my face. "Don't give me that look. I brought you something home, didn't I?"

"Shut up." I smack his butt. "Did you tell Greg I said hi though?" He nods and moves more of my hair out of my face. Greg and Alex have been friends for as long as me and Steph and Shane have been friends. They go to the gym and work out together. He works downtown at a law firm. He's married with a wife and two twin girls. I've met him a few times and he seems like a good guy. Me and his wife have spoken too. His kids are gorgeous. "We're about to play a couple rounds of blackjack... you wanna play?"

"Nah, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower and sit on the computer for a few hours...write something." He steps away from me. "Nice to meet you guys. She talks about y'all a whole lot...nice to put names to faces and stuff."

"Nice to finally meet you too." Steph's eyes are so wide and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah." Shane nods.

"Alright baby." I stand up from the couch so I can run to the kitchen and grab the cards out of the junk drawer but I end up kissing Alex. "Love you...go write me something good."

"Love you too." He pecks me on the lips one more time and heads for the steps. I don't know why, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that my friends and my boyfriend have met. It's just one less thing I've gotta worry about. I go straight to the junk drawer and pluck the deck of cards out of it. I take them back to the living room and sit down.

"So...are you guys satisfied?" I open up the deck of cards and spill them out into my hand. "There's really nothing to him. He's not that special. But that's Alex."

"He's...so...HOT, Jo." Steph finally finds it in herself to speak in her normal tone. "Oh my god, he's so hot! And he's YOURS? Like...he touches you? With his actual biceps? God, he's hot...oh my god he's hot...does he have a brother?! How old is he?! Just let me touch him...just once. I wanna touch him."

"Just a sister." I laugh. "And he's 34. And no...ya can't touch him." I wink at her.

"God he's so...your boyfriend is BAE, Jo. He's BAE." She fans herself. "You two make one sexy ass couple. He's BAE and you're BAE and you two are just a sexy couple." She shakes her head.

"Thank you, Stephy." She doesn't have to tell me how sexy my baby is. If only she knew him though. If she knew him, she'd know that he's sexy, sensitive, loving, amazing...everything. He's everything, not just a sexy face. Alex is everything. "And he's rich.." I wink at her again and laugh. She laughs too. I've seen Steph's boyfriend and he's really not a slacker either. He's like Shane's skin color and he has short hair like Shane. He's kinda nerdy though and he wears glasses but he's cute. I'd date him if I was single.

"How long did you know him before you guys got together?" Shane asks.

"Uh...we were acquaintances for about six months before we got together. He owned a store I worked in, actually. I met him when I was 22 and we started dating when I was 23."

"You guys have been together for that long?" He raises his eyebrows.

"Mhm." I nod my head. "That's my baby..."

"All that time together...you guys better get married. All that time better not have been a waste." Steph laughs.

"I'm gonna marry him." I nod my head.

"And you're sure about that?" She pries.

"I'm certain of it. I'm gonna marry him. Don't know when but it's gonna happen. If you knew our story, you'd know why I'm so sure." I giggle just thinking about where me and Alex started and how we ended up here.

"What's your story then?" Shane asks.

"It's way too long to tell. I'll tell you guys someday though."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I run my fingers along the small, smooth, black velvet box and just stare at it. Isn't it crazy how one measly black box holds my entire future inside of it? I flip the box open and stare at what's inside it for the millionth time today. I can't stop staring at it. I think it's perfect. It's the perfect ring. It's not too big but it's beautiful enough to let her know that I spent money on it. The ring is so Jo. It's not too flashy and it's delicate and ladylike. I spent $4,000 in Tiffany's at the mall this afternoon. I take the ring out of it's resting place in the box and turn it in all directions to look at it. The band is skinny but there are 1-karat diamonds lining the entire band. The main diamond is 2-karats and it's a shiny white diamond. I can't explain how I knew that this ring was the right ring, I just did. When I saw it, I knew...

"_Can I help you, sir?" The bubbly little blonde girl comes over to where I'm standing at the counter, energetic and excited to help me. I'm glad a girl is helping me and not a guy. Girls know what girls like. "Are you looking for something special? A birthday gift, mother's day gift, engagement ring?"_

"_Engagement ring." I look through the display case and while all of these rings are beautiful, none of them really scream "JO" to me. "I'm looking for something...small. Not too small but small and really subtle but equally as beautiful."_

"_What's her ring size?" She leans against the display case with a smile._

"_She's a 5." _

"_She has a small finger...so I'd say that's good...that you're looking for a petite ring." She slides a catalog over towards me. "I assume you want a diamond, sir." I nod my head and prepare to look at a bunch of rings. She opens up the catalog. "What kind of cut would you like? We have Emerald cut, which kind of looks like a long, squared off oval, like this." She shows me the Emerald cut and I shake my head. It's ugly. "We have a cushion cut...which is kind of like a circle." She shows me. It's not bad but it still doesn't scream "JO" to me. "Radiant cut?" She shows me another, kind of like a small square. That's not bad... "Round cut?" She shows me a complete circle. "We have a Princess cut..." She shows me the soft square-shaped Princess cut ring and that's the one. That's the cut. _

"_I like the Princess one." I point to it in the catalog. That's screaming "JO" to me. Jo's my princess so it's only right if I get her a Princess cut ring right? Not that she ACTS like a princess because she doesn't, she's just MY princess. _

"_Good choice." She smiles and flips to an entirely different section of the magazine. "Now these are all the different Princess cut rings we have in stock. What's your price range?"_

_My eyes immediately go to the most beautiful ring on the page. "No price range...I can afford anything." I mumble, completely mesmerized by this ring. It's so JO. It has a thin band but all around the band are little diamonds and in the middle is a huge diamond that's cushioned and held in place by pure silver, crusted with more tiny diamonds. It's so beautiful. It's not too gawky and bulky but it's so Jo. It's so her. "Can I have a look at that one?" I point to it on the page._

"_Certainly." She nods her head and disappears back behind this little wall. She shuffles around in the storage space and comes back with a Tiffany blue box that says, "Tiffany &amp; Co." on it. She presents me with the blue box and takes the cap off, exposing a smaller black velvet box. She takes the box out of the blue one and hands it to me. "And this ring runs between $3,000 to $5,000, depending on the make and the size of the ring." She explains it to me while I stare at it. It's perfect. I want this one. It's absolutely perfect._

"_I want this one. I'll take this." I put it down on the counter and reach in my pocket. "How much?"_

_She looks at the bottom of the box. "This model is $4,404 and 92 cents." _

"_I'll take it."_

I smile at the perfection of the ring and remain staring at it. It's taking everything in me to stick to my guns and not give her this damn ring right now. It's so beautiful and I'm so excited to just get down on one knee and ask her to marry me. I just wanna do it right now but I'm sticking to my plan of asking her to marry me on her graduation day.

I don't know how I'm gonna wait two weeks though.


	58. Old Me

**A/N:** Very tiny time jump sometime this chapter. Just pay attention to when it happens.

* * *

"I really wish you'd put the schoolwork away." I gently run the brush through her slightly damp hair while she rests between my legs and busily types away on her laptop. I drag the brush through the lengths of her hair in an attempt to untangle it and as I brush it, I gather it up so I can put it in a ponytail. I tie it back in a high ponytail and lie the brush down on the bed next to my leg. She's writing a research paper on what she learned during her Psychology clerkship, even though she's not really done with the clerkship yet. I wish I had half the motivation Jo has. I do hate seeing her work so hard, especially when there's no need for her to but on the other hand, I admire how hard she works. "I can't wait for all of this to be over." I move her hair from the middle of her back and put it over her right shoulder so it's out of my way. I put my hands on her shoulders and rub them. She leans back against me since I'm done brushing her hair and her head rests in the middle of my chest. I rest my chin on top of her head and watch her type her paper up. She just got out of the shower a little while ago and the smell of the soap she washed with and the lotion she put on is still lingering on her skin. "Are you almost done?" I lean down and kiss the back of her shoulder. She shakes her head at me. "Seriously?" I run my thumb along the soft baby-hairs on the back of her neck and kiss her shoulder once again. "Put the laptop away..."

"Are you gonna write my paper for me?" She tops typing and turns her head back as far as she can to look at me. She puckers her lips just slightly so I lean forward and give her a kiss. "I can't wait for this to be over either. I'm tired of spending every waking moment of my life doing crap for med school." She starts typing once again. "Can I ask you a question?" She asks and I put my hand on her forehead just to mess with her. "How much are you paying per semester?" I chuckle to myself. This question comes up during me and Jo's conversations at least once a month. She gets so mad because I won't tell her the exact amount. If I told her the exact amount that I pay per semester for her to go to school, she would freak on me and drop out or something. One thing that hasn't changed about Jo throughout the years is that she's still very frugal. I think her desire to save money comes from the fact that she's so used to never having anything and she wants to save every penny she gets. So if I told her that I kick up $87,265 every semester for her to go to school, she would probably crap her pants. I would be lying if I said that I don't want to crap my own pants when the bills come in but I always think to myself a few things as I'm paying them. I think to myself, "It's for Jo" and "It's gonna make her happy." Plus, it's not like I can't afford it.

"Just know that I'm paying alotta money." I walk my fingers down her forehead and run my fingers all over her face just to mess with her. She swats my hand away and looks back at me with a glaring look on her face. "Don't act so pissy. You knew I wasn't gonna tell you." She rolls her eyes and looks away. "I consider it an investment." I reach forward and pinch her cheeks. I love messing with Jo so much. She hates it and I think that's why I like it so much. I like playing with her hair, pinching her cheeks, poking her butt, pulling on the little bit of chub she has on her stomach. I just love picking with her. She hates when I do but then again, she picks with me sometimes too. She's always playing with my butt and pulling on my leg hairs. We pick with each other and annoy the hell out of each other. "It's an investment. I fork out all the money for you to go to school and then when you're a big hotshot doctor, you can pay me back by taking care of me."

She giggles. "Oh, is that how this is gonna work?" Just to further annoy her, I stick my index finger in her armpit and wiggle it. "I'm gonna beat the hell out of you. Stop it." She throws an elbow back at me which makes me laugh. I stick my finger in her armpit again. "ALEX!" She reaches back and swats at me again. "Don't go to sleep tonight. Sleep with one eye open, I swear." She resumes typing her paper and I lean forward so I can laugh in her ear. This is pretty mild compared to some of the things me and Jo have done to each other. When I say we pick on each other, I mean we PICK on each other. A couple weeks ago, she kept flushing the toilet on me while I was in the shower and she was making the water turn cold. So I waited until she went to sleep that night and I played connect-the-dots with the beauty marks on her back and I made a penis with the ones on her shoulder. When she saw them the next morning, she smeared peanut butter on my lips and let Vader lick it off while I was sleep. So after that little stunt she pulled, I kicked the door in while she was in the bathroom taking a crap and started squirting her with the water bottle I use when I'm cooking on the grill...and then when I was asleep that night, she shaved one of my thighs. That prank war lasted about a week. So when I say me and Jo like to pick on each other, I mean it. We take thing to the extreme but you know what? I have so much fun with her. "No but seriously babe..." She actually saves her work and shuts her laptop down. "What are we gonna do when this is all over?" She reaches over to put the laptop down on the floor next to it's charger.

She starts talking about other things as well but I have to admit that I'm not really listening to her. When she leans over the side of the bed to put her laptop down, her t-shirt rises up around her waist and exposes her bottom half and since she's not wearing anything but her underwear and a t-shirt, it's needless to say that I like what I see. Her underwear are light blue and pure lace and the way they're made, some of her butt is hanging out the bottom. "...What'd you say, babe?" When she sits back up, my attention is broken.

"What are we gonna do when all this is done and over with?" Instead of going back to sitting in front of me between my legs, she turns around and climbs closer towards me. Usually when she does that, it means she wants to sit on my lap as opposed to between my legs. So I lean against the headboard and put my legs together so she'll be comfortable. Sure enough, she straddles me and sits on my lap so she's facing me. I put my hands on her lower back. "This is all we know, basically. Me being in school and you taking care of me while I am in school. This is the way it's been for years. What are we gonna do when I'm actually done with school working somewhere? I don't want anything to change." She puts her hands on the back of my neck and rubs. "I like things the way they are."

"We'll be fine." I keep my hands on her back as I reassure her. "First of all, we're gonna have to figure out what you wanna do. Do you want to stay here?" She looks down and I can tell that this is something she's thought about but also something she wants to avoid. "Look Jo, it's up to you. I'm laving it completely up to you. But you know the options, don't you?" She still doesn't say anything. "We can stay here if you want. We're gonna buy a bigger house, obviously. We're not gonna stay in this house. But we can stay here if you want to. Or we can go back to California if you want to. Or we can move to Kansas and be closer to my family...we can go back to Iowa...Whatever you wanna do." Since I can tell how unsettling this topic is for her, I rub her back just to let her know that it's okay. "But that's first and foremost. I'd like for you to have a decision before you graduate though...just so I know what we're gonna be doing."

"I don't know what I wanna do yet." She's still looking down. "If we stay here, I have a sure job at Harvard's Medical Center. They already told me that I can work there. And I have friends here." She sighs. "But Kansas sounds good too. We can be with your family and I think that's great. But then you moved from your dream house in California just to be out here with me and I still don't think that's fair really. And plus, you still have that house in California... I don't know." She strokes the back of my neck. "What do you wanna do?"

"I just wanna be with you." I know that probably sounds cheesy or whatever but it's the god-honest truth. I don't care what me and Jo do. We can live in Japan for all I care. I just want to be with her and as long as I'm with her, I don't care where we call home. "If you think you'd be happier here with your friends and stuff then we're staying here. Jo, I don't care where we go. And the house in California is fine where it's at. It's been fine for four years, it'll be fine forever. It can always be our vacation spot. It's really whatever you feel like doing. Whatever you want to do, I'll be fine with."

"...If we stay here, why won't we keep this house?" She looks around as if she's admiring the house we currently live in. "It's not so bad, is it? It's not even ten years old. Wasn't it built in 2006? It had one owner before us. What's wrong with it? The carpets are fine, the water tank is fine, it's insulated well and it's ours. What's wrong with it?"

"It's too small." I squint at her just a little. It's like she's missing the entire point of the reason why we CAN'T stay in this house. There's absolutely nothing materially wrong with this house. It's perfect for me and Jo. It's just the right size for us and it's nice as hell but in the same token, it's too small for us to stay. It's a two bedroom house and that's all. She wrinkles her brow at me and tilts her head, silently asking "why?" I rub her back some more. "Well because after graduation, you know what comes after that..." She still seems confused. "Marriage comes after graduation, right?" She nods. "And after marriage comes babies..." She cracks a very slight smile. "This house is too small. I'd rather get a house with three or four bedrooms, that way we're already equipped to put babies in bedrooms. It'll be so hard to move with a two year old or a three year old. Don't you just wanna live in a house that we'll keep forever?"

She's smiling so hard. "...How many babies are we talking?"

"I dunno." I shrug my shoulders. "Two? Three at the most..."

"If that's the case then yeah, I have to agree. This house is too small for babies." She sighs, like she's never been happier in her life. "This is crazy..." She's still smiling and I love it. "We can start our lives in two weeks. We can get married and start trying for a baby..." She's so in love with the idea of having a baby. Last semester, she had her Pediatrics and Obstetrics clerkship all in the same semester and I swear, I've never seen Jo more delighted to go to school every day. She would get up at the crack of dawn willingly and go to classes without a complaint. She would always come home with stories to tell me about the babies she watched be delivered and the babies she worked with. It got so bad one day that when she got home at the end of her day, she ran up the steps to greet me and she tried to convince me that we were ready to try for a baby already. She wants a baby so bad and I have to admit, I'm a little anxious myself to give one to her. "I want us to have a baby by next year. I plan on having a baby by next Thanksgiving so we can go to Kansas with it next Thanksgiving." She sighs with that smile on her face again. "Maybe we should just go ahead and move to Kansas. We can raise our babies around your family. I want our babies to have your family around."

I stroke her back some more and listen to all her ambitions with a lighthearted smile on my face. "You want to have a baby by next Thanksgiving?" I shake my head. "You're getting ahead of yourself. We still have a wedding to get through and then we actually have to get through the nine months...be realistic babe. Maybe in two Thanksgivings..." I take my hands away from her face and stroke her hair back. "Do you really think we're ready to have a baby within the next year?"

"...Not really." She admits. "I do want to be married before we even start having babies and I do want to have like...a stable job to where I can actually take off as long as I need to for maternity leave and stuff like that. Realistically, we're probably not ready..." Her shoulders droop. "It just excites me that this stage of our relationship is about to be over and we can finally start on another. I'm excited. For four years, it's been this. It's been me busting my ass in school and you taking care of the house and me while I'm in school. It's overwhelming but at the same time, it's exciting that we're finally about to be past this." She starts rubbing my hair. "...I think we still have a lot of growing up to do before we start a family though."

"Well when the future mother of my children spends her time shaving my legs while I'm asleep...I'd say yeah...we have a LOT of growing up to do." I poke fun of her.

"YOU CAME IN THE BATHROOM WHILE I WAS TAKING A CRAP AND STARTED SQUIRTING ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" She starts laughing so hard. "That was the most immature thing I've ever done though...but wasn't it fun?" Her smile is so pretty. "That was fun. And I won, so..."

"You did NOT win."

"Alex, I had Vader eating off your lip. I think it's safe to say that I won."

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Does it look bad? I feel like it looks really bad." I stare at myself in the mirror and turn to the side to see how long it is. It comes down past my ankles and it shouldn't be that long. It should stop at my ankles and it doesn't. It's way too big. "Maybe I could put a pin...like right here." I hike up the thin, silky maroon material and adjust it so that it's where it's supposed to be. "Alex..." I turn to him. "You have to help me...I don't wanna look stupid." He grabs the container full of safety pins and kneels down. "I'm so nervous..."

"Don't be nervous babe." He starts pinning my gown so that it's not too long. I ordered the wrong size gown. We ordered them a few weeks ago and I just used Steph's measurements for me because stupid old me forgot to take my measurements. So I Steph's and I thought it was gonna be okay but nope. Turns out Steph's a whole two inches taller than me. Now my cap fits perfectly and my gown is way too long. And I have to get up in front of a class of 362 people plus my professors PLUS an audience and give a speech tomorrow since I'm first in my class. I'm freaking out. "You're freaking out for no reason." He moves over to the other side to pin there as well. "Jo, it's one day. It's one day in one cap and gown and one speech for five minutes. Stop freaking out. You're going to be fine. It's gonna be over before you know it and then it's just gonna be me and you in a restaurant eating dinner. Don't freak out so much." He pins my gown in another spot. "You're gonna have other things to freak out about other than a speech tomorrow. Trust me."

"What, with your big surprise?" I look down at how he pinned the gown. It looks nice. Who knew Alex was a closeted seamstress? "I highly doubt the thought of you taking me to a restaurant is going to calm me down long enough for me to give a speech." I don't know why he keeps talking about this big surprise he has planned tomorrow. I already know what the surprise is. The surprise is that he found a restaurant that's eerily similar to the one we went to while we were traveling all those years ago. The one where we danced to "Swear It Again" by Westlife. That's his big surprise. "I'm freaking out here, baby. I'm freaking out..."

"I'm just gonna dose you up with a Xanax before we go tomorrow." He pulls the gown down a little so he can pin the last side correctly. "I'll be glad when this is over. You've been hearing me say this for as long as you've been in med school but I'm starting to mean it. I'll be glad when this shit is over Jo. You're being such a bitch and I'm tired of you constantly being in a shitty mood." He stands up. "Stand up straight..."

I stand up straight. "Well maybe if I didn't have a boyfriend that insists on downplaying my anxiety with taking me to a freaking restaurant. Can you at least ACT like I have a reason to be nervous? Because I do. You try standing up in a stadium full of people, giving a speech." I roll my eyes at him.

"Right. You're NERVOUS. That doesn't give you the right to bark orders at me and treat me like your whipping boy, Josephine." He adjusts the gown on me. "I excused it last week because you were on your period but you're not on your period anymore and you're not gonna keep acting like this. Calm yourself down. If you're like this tomorrow, I'm not putting up with it. I won't even give you your surprise, we'll just go the hell home and order pizza."

"Oh, how ever will I live without you taking me to another one of your fancy restaurants?" I lay the sarcasm on thick. "Please punish me by ordering pizza like I asked in the first place!"

"ENOUGH, JO!" He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently forces me against the wall. "Stop it! You're acting so crazy...Just take a breather." He puts his forehead against mine and knocks my cap off my head. "I've had enough of the attitude. I've had ENOUGH of the attitude." He's talking to me, he's actually yelling at me...but it's so gentle. That's what makes Alex so scary sometimes. The fact that he's able to chastise me and yell at me without actually yelling. The tone of his voice is enough to set me straight. "Now stop it. Stop it or I'm SERIOUS about not getting your surprise. And it's not some stupid freaking restaurant, either. Trust me, you're gonna want it. And if you don't pull yourself together, you're not getting it. Chill yourself out, stand up straight, stop bitching at me and let me fix your gown."

"Sorry." I mumble. "I forgot to take my pill today... I was too busy running over my speech and you weren't here to remind me so I forgot." I tend to get really crazy when I don't take my pill. I forgot to take it and when I remembered, it was four hours past the time I usually take it and my body was already out of whack. I have been kind of a bitchy tyrant lately. Last week I had an excuse because for the first time in a couple months, I ovulated and I had a period and that put me in a bad mood with the PMS and all. And this week I'm just stressed about the speech and stuff. Poor Alex has gotten the brunt of all of this. "I'm sorry." I turn to the side so he can finish fixing my gown. "You forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you." He actually gives me a kiss on my kneecap since he's on his knees fixing my gown. "I love you. But I hate you when you act like this." He stands up again. "You think I like putting you in check like that? I hate yelling at you and all that. But you can't keep freaking out like that. It's gonna kill you in the end." He pulls my gown tight around my back and sticks a quick pin in it so he can get the right dimensions on the bottom. "Just stop freaking out so much. I told you I'd fix the gown problem, I told you that everything would be alright. You can calm down." He gives me a kiss on my cheek. "I know you're sorry. And I know this will all be over soon." He kisses me on my lips this time. "And don't forget to take your pill again, Jo. I'm not kidding."

"I won't." I look down at the floor. I feel so bad for putting him through this. "Can I have a hug? I'm sorry." I think I might cry. I'm so crazy. See, this is why I have to take my pills at the same time every day. I'm so crazy when I mess up on them.

"Jo, it's fine." He wraps his arms around me and squeezes. "It's fine babe. Don't cry. Don't cry." He forces my head on his shoulder and sways with the hug he's giving me. "Are you okay?" I nod my head. "You sure? Jo, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm just freaking out." I take a breath. "And now I feel bad for freaking out on you. My nerves are shot."

"It's alright. I'm fine...don't feel bad." He puts his hands underneath my chin and lifts my head. "You remember back when we lived in California for a little while? When I came home drunk? And I acted like a complete asshole to you?" I slowly nod my head. "And remember when I came to your apartment drunk? And I yelled at you and stuff?" I nod again. "Yeah...remember how you were good to me even when I acted like a dick?" I nod. "Don't feel bad for being bitchy. I'm alright." He gives me a very chaste kiss on my lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." I put my head on his chest. "Just bear with me until tomorrow. I'll be old Jo again after tomorrow."


	59. Ccommencement

**A/N:** No time jump here. Next time jump will be in chapter 61. That will be the final big time jump of the story.

* * *

I bounce my leg up and down in a rhythmic kind of way as I wait patiently for this thing to get started. Commencement doesn't begin until 2:30 and while I've been here since 1:15, I'm surprisingly still very calm. I guess maybe I'm just a patient person; which is something I didn't know about myself until today. Jo had to be here at the stadium at 1:00 today so rather than drop her off and backtrack home, I just decided to wait in the car for a while until it was acceptable to go inside and find a seat. I sat in the car for fifteen minutes before I started to see the parking lot fill up around me. I wanted a good front row seat so as soon as I saw people pouring out of their cars with things like balloons and flowers and such, I grabbed the bag I put in my trunk while Jo was sleeping last night and went inside. I have a good second row seat. The very front row is reserved for Harvard professors and doctors so I took the next best thing, which was the second row of open bleachers.

I think I did the right thing by sitting as close to the front as I possibly could get, because it seems that the commencement directors are making the families of the top ten people in the class sit near the front. Each ticket given out to the people that come to commencement is stamped with the name of the graduate so when you present your ticket at the gate to get in, the directors know which graduate you're here to support and if your graduate is in the top ten of the class, they give you special permission to sit in the row of bleachers I elected to sit in in the first place. The family that came in the gates before me were asked to sit in any available seat in rows 6-10. As soon as they looked on my ticket and saw that I'm here for "Josephine Elizabeth Wilson", they told me I could sit in any available seat in row two. Everyone sitting around me has bouquets of flowers and balloons for their graduates. I'm here for the girl that's going to graduate first in the class and I didn't even think to get her balloons and flowers. I don't feel bad about it though. Jo might not have flowers or balloons but in the light purple gift bag I filled up while she was asleep last night, she has a dark purple stethoscope with rhinestones on the circle part and the earphones that I had custom made for her a few weeks ago. I admit that a bedazzled stethoscope doesn't say "I'm proud of you" like flowers and balloons do. But in addition to her custom made stethoscope, Jo also gets the four-something thousand dollar engagement ring that's in my pocket. How many graduates can say that?

While I wait for this to get started, I take a moment to genuinely admire how nicely they have it set up on the football field. Down on the fake grass, twenty rows of fifteen chairs are neatly lined up for the graduates to sit on. In front of all the chairs is a large stage with a dark red backdrop and the Harvard University logo embroidered in it. On the stage is a tall wooden podium with the university logo in the middle again, and on each side of the podium are three cushioned chairs. The chairs for the graduates are broken up from twenty consecutive chairs. There are ten chairs then a red carpet through the middle, then ten chairs on the other side of the carpet. They have cheesy music playing over the sound system to entertain us while we wait for the ceremony to start. As much as I hate to admit it, I've caught myself twice tapping my foot to the cheesy stuff that's been playing. And again, I hate to admit it, but I'm actually tapping my foot now. But the only reason I even know this song is because back when my mom actually lived with me and pop, she used to sing this to me when she'd give me a bath. Funny how things like that stick with you but I guess when you have an addict for a mother, you tend to remember the good things she used to do, since the good things were few and far between at times. I just distinctly remember her cheerfully reciting, "Gimme the beat boys, free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock 'n' roll and drift away" while she'd wash my ass in the tub. Not the most pleasant memory of my mother that I have but it's the most pleasant memory I associate with the song anyway.

I sigh and reach in my pocket for my phone. I fight off a smile that tugs at my lips when my finger grazes the black velvet box that I'm saving for later. Excited is an understatement for how I'm currently feeling at the moment. I'm more than excited to ask Jo to marry me today. It's just crazy for me to think that by the end of the day today, I will be somebody's fiance. Along with the excitement I'm feeling is just a little bit of nervousness too. I've already got it set in my mind how I'm going to do it. I know what I'm going to say to her, I know how I'm going to say it and I know what I'm going to do when she says yes. I'm just nervous that I might screw it up and sound stupid. I'm also nervous that she might throw me for a loop and say no. I don't think Jo will reject me because she's expressed on more than one occasion that she wants to marry me. There's just always that possibility lurking in the back of my mind though.

I push the lock button on my phone and see that it's 2:20. I swipe my finger across the screen to unlock my phone and go straight to my Facebook app, just because I'm bored and I have ten minutes to waste. I scroll through my timeline and unsurprisingly, I find nothing new. I have a bunch of friends on Facebook; mostly old college buddies and stuff like that. The majority of them are all married with one or two kids by now and all that jazz. The point is, I have a bunch of friends on Facebook and nobody ever updates, which is why I hardly ever waste my time on it. It is a good way to keep up with things though. For example, a few years back when Jo added Lucy as a friend from my Facebook, I found out that she was still married to the guy she cheated on me with and she had two kids or something like that. I would've never known any of that unless I added her on Facebook. It actually used to bother me to scroll down my news feed and see Lucy's statuses, pictures and stuff like that but after a while, I just learned not to care. I'm still her friend on Facebook. She has four kids, she and Garrett are still together and by the way some of her statuses sound, she's still a bitch. She likes some of my statuses and pictures from time to time, so I guess that means she's extended the olive branch. I like some of the pictures of her kids sometimes, so I guess that means I've accepted the peace offering. I'm honestly just too wrapped up in Jo to even care about Lucy anymore and that's great, especially for me.

Only two minutes have passed since I last checked the time. So it should take about two more cheesy songs until the ceremony starts. I can deal with that. And just as "Drift Away" ends, surely another cheesy song starts playing over the sound system. This song wasn't one of my mom's favorites as much as my dad liked it. He just really liked Rick Springfield, that's all. So again, I start tapping my foot in tune to the beat of "Jessie's Girl" and exit out of my Facebook app. I click on my text messages and go to me and my mom's conversation thread to see if she texted me back yet, since I put my phone on silent.

**Mom: **the ring is GORGEOUS alex!

**Me: **thank you. I told her to call u after we get out of here. Idk when we'll be done here. The ceremony didnt even start yet.

She hasn't texted me back yet. I talked to her before I got Jo up this morning and she cursed me out because I told her that I was proposing today. She called me all kinds of "thoughtless idiots" because "I knew that she wanted to be around when I proposed". I just told her that it wasn't my fault that she couldn't come to graduation. It's insane how much me and my mother's relationship has evolved over the last few years. I never thought we would be able to hold a conversation without it being awkward, let alone joke around about me being thoughtless. I slip my phone back into my pocket and carelessly look down onto the field again. It's kind of making me nervous how I can't see Jo. I get weird when I don't know where she is or what she's doing sometimes. My eyes go over to the set of double doors that lead out of the football locker room, underneath the bleachers from across the field. The graduates are in the locker room right now and they're going to come out of those doors whenever it's time. I just wonder what she's doing right now.

She looked so pretty this morning, by the way. I fixed her gown and it looks perfect on her. She curled her hair real pretty and her makeup is done so nicely. She's wearing a pair of dark red heels to match her gown too. She just looked so perfect this morning. Of course she was a little bit on edge, freaking out trying to get her speech down pact. She wasn't nearly as mean to me as I thought she was going to be though. I forced a Xanax down her throat and she should be fine. I'm not too happy that Jo has to be medicated like that though. I hate making sure she takes her pills and all that but at the same time, I'm glad that she's being helped. I wish she didn't have to rely on medicine to be mentally okay but I've seen Jo at her worst. I've seen her in her depressed state and it scared the hell out of me. To see her walking around like a lifeless zombie, talking about how she felt like she was nothing but a failure, like she just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up? That was it for me. It's normal for everyone to get a little depressed at times but when Jo's depressed, she's DEPRESSED. She hits a very low rock bottom and I feared for her life. She told me that she attempted suicide a few years ago when me and her were split up for a little while and I let that go because I just thought that maybe she just needed me to listen to her. She's been on the Celexa and Xanax for about a year now and it's crazy to see how her mood has changed. She seems like she's happier, in a better place than she was. I guess I'm just glad that she's being helped now.

The Rick Springfield song draws to a close and I make a mental note that it was the first of two cheesy songs I have to endure before graduation starts. I'm getting impatient for the ceremony to just start already but in the same token, I'm apprehensive for it to start as well. Graduation ceremony starting means that it's getting closer to the time for me to pop the question. I just want this to be perfect. _ ...Maybe graduation isn't the right time to propose. Maybe I should do it somewhere more private. Maybe I shouldn't do it in front of all these people. Better yet, maybe I shouldn't do it today after all. Maybe I should just wait until we take the trip to Kansas to see my family in a couple weeks and propose there. _Breaking my thoughts, a loud guitar solo starts playing over the sound system to round out the last of the cheesy songs I have to endure. I narrow my eyes and lift my head just slightly so I can hear the song that's playing a little better. I feel like I know this song but I haven't heard it in YEARS. I forgot this song even existed, that's how long it's been since I've heard it. And if this song is what I think it is, then I'm a firm believer in God now. How else would this song come on? In a time like this? This song, I haven't heard since I was in college, playing at a time when I was just starting to second guess proposing? God has to exist.

And unlike the other songs that have played while I've been sitting here, I don't tap my feet to this one. I silently mouth the words, surprising myself that I actually remember all the lyrics. I used to love this song back in my college days but it never meant anything to me until now. It's crazy that this song is playing NOW of all times for it to play. As the chorus rolls around, it's pretty apparent to me that today is exactly the right time to propose to her. "Oh Josephine, looking like the cover of a magazine. Lie with me, lay me down easy for the world to see. Oh Josephine..." I reach in my pocket and pluck out the ring box. First time I hear "Josephine" by Uncle Kracker in years and it plays at my own personal Josephine's graduation? I open up the box and look at the ring once again. I for sure have to propose to her today.

**X X X **

"Graduating with high honors and being awarded an official Doctor of Medicine certificate from Harvard University Medical School...Ryan Peter Danielson." A tall, lanky kid with dark hair poking through his graduation cap walks through the double doors with a goofy half-smile on this face. A couple rows up from where I'm sitting, his family cheers and whistles when we walks across the field, climbs the steps to the stage and is handed his picture frame with his certificate in it. The group of six professors shake his hand as he makes his way down the line of them. When he walks down the back steps, the announcer starts again. "Graduating with high honors and being awarded an official Doctor of Medicine certificate from Harvard University Medical School...Stephanie Marie Edwards." The girl that Jo's always bringing over to study walks through the double doors next. When she walks out, a large crowd of people that are sitting two rows up from where I'm sitting burst into loud applause and cheering. She has a lot of family here and that makes me feel a little bad for Jo. But I'm here for her and that matters. I've been sitting here for about an hour now, listening to everyone else get called. Jo hasn't been called yet. Both her friends have been called now. The guy she's always hanging out with got called with the "honors" group. Her lady friend that just got called was called with the "high honors" group. I don't know when Jo's going to be called. If she's not an honor student or a high honor student, then what is she?

"This next group of graduates ladies and gentlemen, are some of the highest achieving medical students Harvard Medical School has ever had the pleasure of introducing." The announcer speaks slowly, enunciating every word she's saying into the microphone. She's elderly so she speaks slow and moves equally as slow. Before she started announcing at the beginning of the ceremony, they introduced her as one of the first female graduates to graduate cum laude from Harvard Medical School, so she has to be about a 1099 years old or something like that. At first her speaking voice was annoying but I've gotten used to it by now and it's not so bothersome anymore. "The commencement faculty here at Harvard Medical School only recognizes the top five graduates in their class and they are given the prestigious honor of having graduated with highest honors amongst their peers." She licks her finger and slowly turns a page. "These students have maintained a cumulative grade point average of at least 4.50 or higher throughout their medical education, displayed excellent healing skills, have accumulated a minimum of 70 clerkship hours in all fields of study including subspecialties and shown the staff here at Harvard Medical School that they have what it takes to become some of the world's best healers in the field of medicine." She pauses to gather her breath. "It is with dignity that I request all applause be held until the end of the recognition. Once the final graduate has been called, everyone will be permitted to applause as necessary." She pauses again. "I now turn this over to Dr. Larry Heinzelman, director of education at Harvard Medical School."

The old woman that announced everyone up until this point steps down from the podium and slowly walks back to the seat she stood up from in the first place. An older man approaches the podium. He has wispy gray hair, glasses and a slight gray beard. He adjusts the microphone and prepares the papers on the podium. I take his momentary lapse to open up the camera on my phone and set the zoom options up so I can be ready once Jo gets called. This is what I've been waiting for. I now know why she wasn't called with any of the other people. I sit up straight and keep my camera on, anxiously awaiting. "I will start with the fifth graduate and work up to the first." The man starts. He clears his throat, adjusts his glasses and begins again. "Graduating cum laude and being awarded the Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certificate from Harvard Medical School is Christopher Sean Yen." Through the double doors walks a shorter Asian man. "Christopher will pursue a career in geriatric medicine. He graduates today with a 4.50 cumulative grade point average. Mr. Yen has completed 72 hours of clerkship in all fields of study. He graduates today 5th of 362."

I wonder when Jo's supposed to give her speech. I just can't wait to see her. I'm getting antsy. "Graduating cum laude and being awarded the Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certificate from Harvard Medical School is Jonathan Andrew Barber." Out walks a tall, blonde guy. "Jonathan will pursue a career in family medicine. He graduates today with a 4.53 cumulative grade point average. Mr. Barber completed 75 hours of clerkship in all fields of study. He graduates today 4th of 362." The blonde guy gets his picture frame and starts walking off the stage. "Graduating cum laude and being awarded the Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certificate from Harvard Medical School is William Marcus Harding." Another guy walks out and I fight off a yawn. "William will pursue a career in family medicine. He graduates today with a 4.55 cumulative grade point average. Mr. Harding completed 77 hours of clerkship in all fields of study. He graduates today 3rd of 362." The announcer just keeps on going. "Graduating cum laude and being awarded the Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certificate from Harvard Medical School is Michael Byron Patterson." Sure enough, one more guy walks out. Is Jo the only girl? "Michael will pursue a a career in family medicine. He graduates today with a 4.55 cumulative grade point average. Mr. Patterson completed 78 hours of clerkship in all fields of study. He graduates today 2nd of 362."

I hold my camera up in preparation for what's coming next. She's the only one left...she's the only one out of 362 people that hasn't been called yet. And she's the only girl that graduated top five. I can't help myself. I stand up to get a better picture and for some reason, the people I'm standing in front of don't seem to mind. I think they know that I'm here for her. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure I announce that Graduating cum laude and being awarded both the Doctor of Medicine and the Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine certificates from Harvard Medical School is Ms. Josephine Elizabeth Wilson." The double doors open for the last time and she finally walks through them; graduation cap snugly on her head, gown perfect, hair perfect, with a beautifully confident smile on that pretty face of hers. "Josephine will pursue a career in internal medicine. She graduates today with a cumulative grade point average of 4.95. Ms. Wilson completed 86 hours of clerkship in all fields of study, as well as 49 volunteer hours of clerkship in Pediatric medicine. She graduates today 1st in a class of 362 students." Jo's handed two different picture frames and instead of the handshakes everyone else got from the six people, she's given hugs by each of them. She holds her two frames and poses for a picture with the old guy that just announced. I feel a tear trickle down my cheek and I don't even bother to wipe it away as I snap my own picture. I'm so fucking proud of her. She flips her hair all perfectly and stands next to the podium as the guy retreats back to it. "Ladies and gentlemen, it is with extreme pleasure that the staff here at Harvard Medical School offers Ms. Josephine Wilson a position at any Harvard Institute of her choice, an offer she is not required to immediately accept, but an offer that is highly prestigious. It is also with the utmost respect that I turn the microphone over to her."

I press the "record" button on my phone and I can't stop smiling. God, I'm just so proud of my girl. She did it. She GRADUATED from medical school. Not only did she graduate but she graduated FIRST in her class. She's so amazing. It was all so worth it. The nights I watched her stay up until the crack of dawn writing papers, the days I comforted her when she came home crying because she thought she couldn't do it, the mornings I had to wake her up and tell her to go because she didn't want to go to classes. All her mood swings, her bad attitudes, her stressed out days. The thousands of dollars I paid...it was all so worth it to see her walk across that stage. I'm so proud of her and I'm beyond honored to have shared in this experience with her. She's so amazing. Just look at her. She's amazing. That's my girlfriend. Isn't that crazy? The girl that everyone is hooting and hollering about right now...the girl that graduated with the highest honors in her class...she's my girlfriend. That's nuts. She hands her picture frames to the old man that announced her and nervously approaches the podium. She fixes her hair in typical Jo fashion and adjusts the microphone. "...Good afternoon everyone. I'm Jo Wil...err..._Josephine _Wilson." She bites her lip because she just screwed up but she keeps a smile. I know her speech off by heart from hearing her rehearse it so many times. "Sorry, it's just kinda weird to call myself by my full name when nobody really uses that. Everybody just usually calls me Jo...this is awkward." That's not part of her speech but she just made everybody in this stadium laugh. "So yeah...I'm Jo Wilson as you guys know..." She clears her throat and starts over. "I'm sure I speak for every single one of the graduates when I say that the past four years here at Harvard have been some of our best and some of our worst. From getting up at ungodly hours of the morning to go into the lab and experimenting with procedures. From spending every waking moment writing papers to laughing about our own failures when we mess up. And from straight up...not knowing what the hell we're doing at times." Everyone laughs again. "I think it's safe to say that we all walk away from Harvard Medical School being better, not only as doctors but as people as well. It has been an honor to be part of such an amazing educational institute. As being the only woman to graduate in the top five today and being number one in the class, it is my job to stand up here and give advice to all of my peers, in hopes that I inspire them to become better people. In truth however, I do not feel that I am equipped to do exactly that." She looks up from her paper. "I am, however, equipped to thank everyone for molding us into the doctors that we aspire to be. I speak for everyone when I say thank you to the doctors who have taught us. It is with their intellect that we will become some of the brightest minds in medicine. I say thank you to all of our families and friends. It is with your unconditional love and support that we were able to survive the hell we went through." She looks directly at me when she says that and I nod my head at her. She smiles and keeps going. "I stand up here, unequipped to give any crucial advice because in truth, I'm embarking on the exact same path as my peers. So while I cannot give advice, I can wish all of my peers good skill, not good luck. I will not wish you all good luck because it does not take luck to become a doctor. It takes time, patience and good skill. So as your valedictorian, I will wish you all good skill, because as we all know, luck is for the lottery." She looks up. "Congratulations guys...We did it!"

As soon as she's done, everyone in the entire stadium bursts into cheerful applause. I put my phone down on the bleacher so I can clap as well. I really wish mom and the family could've been here. I need someone to gush about Jo to. I'm just so proud of her. I feel like my head is going to pop off, that's how proud I am. I'm SO proud of that girl down there. I can't say it enough. My god, I'm so proud to call her mine.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"What were you freaking out about?!" Steph wraps her arm around my shoulder. "Your speech was GREAT, Jo. It was great. You did amazing." There are so many people around that it's not funny. There's a reception in the commentary room across the football field but I don't really want to go. I think it'd be a little weird if the valedictorian didn't show her face though, so I have to go. But I have to find Alex first and I have no idea where he could be. I saw where he was sitting during the ceremony and when I went to go walk over to him, he wasn't there anymore. My phone's in the car so I can't call him and I can't even see him. I had a good eye on him but so many people have been coming up to me to say congratulations and stuff like that. I've said more "thank yous" to people I don't even know than I can even begin to count. People think it's okay to just hug me too. Random people have just been coming up to me and saying "congratulations, Jo" and giving me hugs and kisses on my cheek. I don't mean to be rude because I do appreciate everyone being so nice but I just feel like if I don't know you, please don't hug me and PLEASE don't kiss me. I'm being nice about it so far..just accepting the hugs and kisses and stuff but I think my Xanax is starting to wear off. I'm too happy to be mean to anybody today though. I'll deal with everyone congratulating me, whatever. But I really want Alex. He's kind of like my security blanket. "Were you nervous?" Steph asks.

"As hell." I fold in the ends of my cap and place it on top of my framed certificates. "I can't lift my arms because I have pitters. I started sweating so bad." I flip my hair back. My curls were nice earlier but they fell a little because of the humidity, plus I was sweating something serious while giving my speech. I have sweat stains underneath my armpits and I can't take off my gown because my hands are full. Where is Alex? I want Alex. A group of people approach me and Steph and I take a deep breath. I'm not as nervous as I have been in the past when the random people approached me because these people aren't exactly random. It's Steph's family. They came to find her. "Incoming." I warn her.

"Hey mom...dad...gram." She starts running through everyone that came to say hi to her. They all give her hugs and I think it's so sweet how they all came out to support her. I'm really glad I gave her my extra tickets. If I didn't, they all wouldn't have been able to come. "Guys, this is my friend Jo." She points me out as if they don't know who I am. "Jo, this is my mom, dad, gram, grandpap, cousin Em and Aunt Jamie. Uncle Rod, Aunt Jessie..."

"Hi." I smile at everyone and wave so I seem polite.

"Congratulations, Jo." Her mom pulls me into a generous hug and I don't mind it so much because at least I have an idea of who she is.

"Thank you, Mrs. Edwards." I hug her back. "Steph, I'm gonna go find Alex...I'll meet you in the commentary room." I brace my frames and my cap against my side so I can walk easier. Steph nods at me, now completely busy with her entire family. I need to find my boyfriend before I freak out. I turn around and narrow my eyes to search for him. I saw him when he was sitting. He was sitting in the second row. I saw him the entire time I was giving my speech. Then after I ended my speech, everyone threw their caps up in the air and that was the end of the ceremony. We had to go to the sidelines of the football field to take pictures and stuff and after that, the families were allowed to go find their graduates on the football field. And that's when I lost him. I have no idea where he's at. "Alex...I'm gonna kill you." I mumble to myself. "Where are you, baby..."

"HEY JO!" I hear his voice scream at me and I turn around in the direction I heard it. He's standing about twenty or so feet away from me, navigating through a crowd of people as well. I breathe a sigh of relief and start making my way towards him. My Xanax is wearing off and I don't need another one. All I need his him to stay with me and I'll be fine. I don't panic so much when I'm around Alex to be honest. He takes everything away. He's my security blanket. I squeeze past a family and we're finally together. "Where you been? I was looking for you." He closes the space between us and as soon as we're close enough, I press against him and wrap one arm around his neck since my other arm is occupied by my stuff. "Gimme kiss." He puts his lips against mine and I kiss him softly. "Where you been?"

"Bombarded by people." I let him go and stay close. "Everyone congratulating me and stuff."

"Well you got one more." He hands me a purple gift bag. "Congratulations, babe. I'm so proud of you."

"Alex, I don't want gifts." I sigh and take it from him anyway. "Is this your surprise?" He takes my certificates and my cap out of my arms so I can open my gift. "I told you I didn't want you to get me anything though." I take the thing that's in the bag out. It's a purple, blinged out stethoscope. I love it. "Baby...thank you." I take a close look at it. It looks expensive, with the crystals on it and stuff. "Thank you... I love it." I run my hand along the crystals. "I can't wait to use it." I try out the earphones. They're comfortable. "It's perfect." I put it back in the bag so it doesn't get dirty. "Was that my surprise? If so, you were right. I do want that. It's perfect and I love it."

"That's not your surprise." He puts his arm around my waist and kisses my temple. "You messed up on your speech. I was saying it with you and you messed up and I cringed. I could tell you were nervous but you killed it." I rest my head on his arm and we start to walk towards the commentary room for the reception. "I'm so proud of you Jo. You made me cry up there. I love you so much."

"You cried?" I laugh. "I would've liked to see that." I smile as we walk. I'm the happiest girl in the world right now. I'm officially a doctor, I have the best boyfriend in the world, I'm just...floating right now. I'm so happy, I can't contain it. I haven't been this happy in a real long time. It feels so good. Today is perfect. Nothing could ruin this day for me and nothing can make this day better. It's just a perfect day. "I love you too, Alex." I smile as I say that. I do wish his mom and his sister and his stepdad could've been here but that doesn't make this day any less perfect. We make it to the commentary room doors. "Look baby, before we go in here, don't leave me. Okay?" I turn and face him. "Just stay with me. I've been getting hugged and kissed on the cheek by random people and I just want you to be there okay? It's just weird but I don't feel so bad whenever you're around so I need you to stay with me. "And I know you wanted to take me out to eat after this. We can still go out to eat. I won't eat in here. I'm just gonna show my face so it's not weird if I don't. That's all. Then we can go home and stuff."

"Wait Jo, I have some questions to ask you before we go in here." He shoves both his hands in his pockets. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned anything about being hugged and kissed by random people. Now he's gonna question me about it and it's gonna turn into an argument and this perfect day isn't gonna be perfect anymore.

"Alex, I don't wanna argue. It was just friendly ki-" He grabs onto my arm and starts gently pulling me so we're away from the entrance, away from the crowds of people coming in. "Alex..."

"I just wanna ask you something Jo." He shakes his head at me. I sigh and roll my eyes. I really don't feel like arguing with him today. "It's a yes or no question. It's simple. Real quick and then we can go inside. Okay?"

"Alex, I'm really not in the mood to argue so if its-"

"Just a couple yes or no questions Jo."

"...Fine." I sigh.

"Do you love me?" He keeps his hands in his pockets and looks at me as if he's expecting me to get this answer wrong. Why is he asking me if I love him? Of course I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I love him so much I wanna kill him. I narrow my eyes at him. "Yes or no, Jo."

"...Yes." I nod my head.

"Do I love you?" He asks. This is getting really weird... what did I do?

"...I hope you love me. I mean-"

"Yes or no?"

"...Yes?" I shake my head. "Alex, I'm not sure what I did...but I'm sorry. I don't want to argue. I'm in a good mood, I don't feel like-"

"You wanna marry me? Be with me for the rest of your life?" He steps towards me as if he's demanding an answer. Is he drunk?

"Alex, I thought we understood that we loved each-"

"Yes or no, Jo. It's not that hard..."

"We talk about this all the time, baby..."

"YES. OR. NO." He raises his voice a little.

"Y-yes... I do." I think I'm going to cry. I think he's drunk and if he is, I'm gonna cry. I hate when he's drunk. "Let's just go home..."

"You wanna marry me, Jo?" He pushes.

"Mhm." I nod my head slowly.

He takes his hands out of his pockets and in the right hand, he has a little black box. I feel like I'm in movie. It's all happening in slow motion. He opens up the little black box, exposing a beautiful...BEAUTIFUL diamond ring. My heart feels like it's beating out of my chest and I can't help the onslaught of tears. "Will you marry me, Josephine?" I bury my face in my hands so he can't see my ugly crying face. Did he really just ask me to marry him? Oh my god. _Pull yourself together Jo. Stop crying. _"...Will you?" He asks me again. I just nod my head, still SOBBING my eyes out. I feel the crowds of people's eyes staring at me and I hate him for doing this to me in front of all these people! He made me cry in front of all these people... My peers and my professors are watching me cry over my boyfriend proposing to me. "Say it then...say you'll marry me."

I sweep my hair out of my face and take a couple deep breaths. "Yeah...I'll marry you." I keep nodding my head. "I wanna marry you."

"Yeah?" He has the widest smile on his face, holding the ring box in the palm of his hand.

"Yeah." I sniff and nod my head some more. Oh my god I can't believe he just...he just...HE PROPOSED! I'M ENGAGED! I'M ENGAGED! Since I'm still a little weak from how hard I just cried, Alex wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up. As soon as he does that, everyone just bursts into thunderous applause and some people even whistle. How crazy is that? The valedictorian of her class gets engaged all on the same day... "Was that my surprise?" I bury my face in his neck while he holds me. I'm gonna cry again. I'm such a mess. I'm so happy. I'm genuinely happy. I'm so happy...oh my god, I'm so happy. I never thought... I never thought I could be this happy. "Was that it?"

"That was it." He kisses my cheek and squeezes me. "She said yes, guys!" He announces to everyone that was just watching, as if they didn't get the picture. "I love you, Jo." He forces me to kiss him on his lips and I do it willingly. "I love you."

"I love you too."


	60. Forever

**A/N:** So this chapter's kinda long because I tied up alot of loose ends in this chapter. so enjoy.

* * *

"And it's real?" She holds my hand carefully in hers, as if my hand is made of delicate porcelain and might break if she's not careful. I'm not a fool and I know that it's not my hand that she's treating like royalty but rather, it's what's ON my hand that she's being careful with. I wish I had the awareness to be this careful with it. I'm still just getting used to my finger's new resident and I often find myself banging it off of things, forgetting to take it off when I shower or wash the dishes and just forgetting where I stick it during those moments when I actually do take it off. I'm careless with the thing and that by no standards means that I don't care about it because it's seriously the most precious thing I've ever owned. I'm just not used to being careful with my hands. "Holy cow..." She turns my hand palmside up so she can see the underside of the band. "How much do you think it cost?"

"I don't know and I haven't asked." I stare at it right along with her, in admiration of all it's glory. It really is a beautiful ring but I expected no less from Alex. For the last four years, I've been dreaming about what it would've been like when Alex really did propose. I envisioned us being somewhere fancy, like on a boat or maybe even in a restaurant when it was time for him to pop the question, because Alex is, and always has been, a fan of taking me to expensive places. I imagined him getting down on one knee and presenting me with some oversized, overpriced diamond ring and asking me to marry him in the middle of the restaurant or boat or wherever it was that he decided to take me at the time. The way he did it was far more than I could have ever possibly imagined though.

It happened a week and three days ago and I'm still not over the initial shock and surprise of the exact moment when I realized what he had in his hand. It was like a true version of a fairytale. I graduated from medical school and got engaged all in the same day and I really thought that the world was going to end because there's no way in hell I ever get to be that happy. It's like I was living in a movie. The girl gets announced as class valedictorian and wins over the entire audience with her bubbly, stupid little graduation speech. The entire audience surrounds her and congratulates her after the graduation ceremony and sure enough, her longtime boyfriend proposes marriage to her to round out the amazing day. That sounds like a movie, doesn't it? It happened a week ago and I'm still beaming. My life is so perfect right now.

"Besides..." I walk over to the swivel chair that sits at her desk and pull it out so I can sit down. "If I asked, it's not like he'd tell me anyway. You know how your brother is..." I sit down in the chair and cross my legs. Amber follows me to the chair just so she can look at my ring some more. She sits down on the computer tower next to her desk and grabs my hand again. "So what's been going on, Amb?" Me and Alex are only here for the weekend so I have very limited time with Amber and we haven't even had our usual catch-up conversation yet. She's graduating from college in a couple weeks and me and Alex were going to fly over to be there for it but I have to go to the hospital to get my certificates notarized on the exact day of her graduation, since I decided to take the job offered to me at Harvard Medical Center. "Anything new?"

"Not really." She lazily shrugs her shoulders and flips her long, golden blonde hair over her shoulder. It's kind of ironic that me and Amber are sitting up here in her room talking while everybody else is downstairs and outside and stuff. There's a party going on downstairs in me and Amber's honor and we're not even down there enjoying it. Alex's mom and stepdad made a big bunch of food, ordered a cake and invited the family over to celebrate my med school graduation and Amber's college graduation. "I mean, it's pretty much the same thing we were texting about the other night. About Jacob and Kaylee." She flips her hair again. "Like I'm 21 years old, Jo. I'm too old to deal with the childish shit that he tries to put me through. And I told Kaylee that I'm not fighting with her over Jacob. That's such a childish thing to do, don't you think?"

"I don't blame you." I flip my own hair out of my face and agree with her. I forgot how humid it gets in Kansas during the spring/summer. I forgot to bring a ponytail holder in the house with me and all of me and Alex's things are in the car. "Arguing and fighting over guys is the high school thing to do. You're right. You're getting too old to argue over men like that and if Kaylee's really going to drop you as a friend over an asshole like Jacob then screw her. You don't need her. You know how stupid that is? I wish someone would tell me that they're not going to be my friend anymore just because the guy she liked hit on me and I took the opportunity."

"Right. And the thing is...he was texting me AND Kaylee at the same time. Like I don't have time for that. I'm 21 years old, I'm graduating from college and I'm trying to start my life. I don't want that type of negativity in my life. I'm looking for something stable; not a childish, high school relationship." She gets up and walks over to her bed to grab her phone. Today is the first time in almost four complete years that I've seen Amber and I have to admit that I'm a little bit in awe of how pretty she is. I always knew how pretty Amber was because when I first met her when she was 17, she was already pretty with her blonde hair and her green eyes. But seeing her as a 21 year old young lady is making me feel so old. She grew up to be such a gorgeous girl. Her hair is golden blonde with streaks of brown in it and it's so long that it touches the small of her waistline. Her eyes are a deep green color and she's so very thin. "You and my brother are relationship goals. Like...that's what I want. That's what I'm shooting for."

"You should strive for your own relationship though. If you go out looking for a guy that's like your brother, you're gonna limit yourself. Not that your brother isn't amazing because he clearly is...but you can't just go into everything thinking that you want a man like him. You'll limit yourself if you do that and you'll find yourself saying no to nice guys just because they're not like your brother. So don't do that." I uncross my legs and smush my bare toes down into the soft carpet in her room. "And believe it or not, even your brother has his faults. I love your brother so much but he's such a dick sometimes." I lean back in the chair I'm sitting in and stretch my back out. "So why don't you just give up on Jacob. What is it that's got you so hung up on him?"

"He's not even that cute and he's not like...rich or anything. He's not even that nice." She flops down on her bed and holds her phone up above her head so she can look at it. "But I'm the type where like... I don't want to just..." She puts her phone down and sits up. "Look Jo, I have needs, okay?" She says that with such a straight face that I just bust out into laughter. She starts laughing too. "No, but I do." She starts explaining. "And I'm the type where I'm not just gonna go have sex with random guys. I have needs and I've been having sex with Jacob for six months. I'm not just gonna go off and start having sex with someone else. And he's real good in bed too, so..." She shrugs and laughs. "I guess that's why I keep him around."

"You're preaching to the choir here, girl." I sway from side to side in the swivel chair. "I totally understand you and I feel you on the whole, 'not wanting to have sex with randoms' thing. I'm the exact same way so I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that your reasoning sucks."

"Does that make me a slut though? That I don't want to completely break it off with a guy because I like having sex with him? That makes me a slut, doesn't it?"

"No." I shake my head. "If me and Alex ever broke up, I don't know what I would do. I know you probably don't wanna hear about this, but your brother is friggin' amazing in bed." She scrunches up her nose, which makes me giggle and she busts out into full laughter. "I'm so serious though. Alex is...WOW in bed. I would for sure miss the sex if we ever broke up because he's the best sex I've ever had. Like everybody else I've been with is just...whatever, you know? But your brother blows my freaking mind. Four years with him and he still blows my mind."

"Does he..." Her voice trails off and she sticks her tongue out and wiggles it.

"Oh yeah." I nod my head fast. "All the time and it's freaking awesome. That's the best thing he does." I bite my lip just thinking about it. "...Don't even ask anything else, Amb. Just know that me and your brother do EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything." I crack a smile. "Except anal. I don't do that."

"I was about to say..." She laughs. "But like... I dunno, my brother does seem like a freak and you seem like a freak too so I'm not surprised that you two get it going on." She shifts her position on the bed and lies down on her stomach so she's more comfortable. "But that's a big part of why I like Jacob. Because the other two guys I've had sex with were good in bed sure, but none of them go down. None of them go down...and Jacob does. And he doesn't even expect me to go down on him when he goes down on me. So that's big points." She explains and I nod my head to let her know that I understand. "Jo, my sex drive is so unhealthy. I'm always thinking about having sex. Like every time me and Jacob are together, even if we fought or something, we always have sex. It's just my favorite thing. My sex drive is crazy." I giggle and shake my head at her. "How many times like...a week do you and my brother do it?"

"...Like..." I purse my lips to think of an accurate estimation for her. "Like maybe three times a week, sometimes more." I shrug. "But when we were younger and just starting out, we would hump like rabbits. Me and Alex would have sex anywhere when we were fresh and just starting out. We had sex on top of a washer once, down in the basement, in the shower, in the car, in the pool..." I shake my head. "We had sex whenever, wherever. So your sex drive isn't really that bad. It's pretty normal."

"Y'all had sex in a pool?" She looks at me like I'm a dirty bug. "Really? Really Jo?" I cover my face and laugh. "Hope it wasn't our pool! I swim there!"

"No...No. It was in the pool back at his house in California." I assure her. "But look...I was swimming because it was like 100 degrees outside. So I was swimming and he was downstairs in the gym working out. So I took my bathing suit off and went skinny dipping because Amber, it was hot as hell outside. And I guess he thought I was just skinny dipping just to skinny dip because he came out and took off his clothes and hopped in with me. And we were just swimming around naked and one thing led to another and he backed me in the corner next to the diving board and we went at it. He had to take me to the shallow end because my feet couldn't touch the ground in the deep end when he like...got behind me and stuff."

"...I said it once, I'll say it again...you and my brother are relationship GOALS." She gets up off her bed again. "You and Alex are like...real cute. Y'all started out as best friends and then y'all started dating and y'all been together for forever and now y'all are engaged. I just remember the last time you were here and you kept telling me that nothing was going on between you and my brother and now you guys are getting married and stuff. And you can just tell how much you guys love each other. He's all protective of you and stuff. You guys are so cute."

"It wasn't always real easy though, Amber." I start swinging the chair back and forth again. "You don't understand half the shit me and your brother had to go through. If you want a good relationship, you have to work for it. Good relationships aren't always about looking cute and having good sex and protecting each other. Good relationships have fights and bad times and the real good relationships survive the fights. So don't think that me and your brother's relationship is all sugar and sweet because it hasn't always been. Me and Alex fight like cats and dogs."

"What was the worst fight you've ever had though? Have you guys ever hit each other or something?" She sits down on the edge of her bed and questions me.

"Alex has never really hit me." I shake my head. "But I've hit him though...a couple times, I've swung off on your brother." I tuck my hair behind my ears in preparation for story time. "One time we fought...we were here, actually. The first time we came here and me and him were downstairs laying on the couch and we were like...doing sexual stuff but somehow it turned sour and we ended up screaming at each other. He told me 'fuck you' and I told him the same, so that was one time." I clear my throat. "And one time he came home drunk and mean and we fought about that. And then another time, he lied to me about something and I ended up punching him in the face and scratching his arm. And just last week, I was in a bad mood because I was stressed out about school and stuff and he was sick of my attitude so he pushed me against the wall and yelled at me." I shrug. "Me and your brother have had some pretty nasty fights, Ambs. Don't think we haven't."

"But you love him though, right? Like really love him?" She pulls on her fingers as if she's cracking her knuckles and looks down at the floor. "Even when you guys argue?"

"Of course." I nod. "I'll pick a fight with Alex in a second. I don't care about picking fights with him and I don't care if he gets mad or whatever. Because I know that me and Alex can go to bed angry with each other, we can say we hate each other, we can scream, yell, throw punches, whatever. We can fight horribly and at the end of the day, I've got him and I know that he's got me. Our arguments are irrelevant to each other and they're just temporary. I can hate him at times but I always feel the love there. Always. No matter what, I love him." I clear my throat once more. "Two weeks ago, I was PMSing real bad and I was just going off and off and off on him about little shit. I could tell he was getting annoyed but he just wasn't saying anything, he just walked away. I threw a bag of dog food at him and hit him in the leg because he bought the wrong kind and when I threw it, I bent my fingers back and hurt myself...and you know what?"

"What?"

"He walked over to me to see if I was alright." Amber's jaw drops and I almost feel like crying thinking back at how mean to him I was. I was such a bitch. I was yelling at him about keeping Vader out in the yard so much during the day, then I was screaming because he wasn't hungry when I just cooked dinner, then I went off because he walked away from me and then I threw dog food at him. My poor baby. "Yep. He came over and held my hand and looked at my finger to see if I was okay. I told him to leave me alone but he kissed my hand and rubbed my finger until it wasn't sore anymore." I nod my head. "...So yep. Me and Alex can fight so bad but we just know that we love each other."

"Jo, I'm so glad my brother met you." Again, she gets off her bed and walks over to sit on the computer tower next to me. "It's just that..." She rests her head on the desk. "My mom is happier these days...I am too, but she's really happy. It's because Alex actually wants to be bothered with us now. For as long as I can remember, my brother has hated us. But as soon as he meets you, he calls everyday, he comes and visits us...and my mom is so much happier. And we all know it's because of you." She grabs my hand and looks at the ring again. "I'm so glad you're gonna be my sister. He found a really good woman in you...and I mean that. I'm so glad he met you."

"Thanks baby girl." I lean forward and give her a tight hug. "As far as I'm concerned, you've been my sister for four years. A ring on my finger isn't about to make that any more official than it already is." I rub her back while we hug and crack an honest smile. My life is amazing right now. "Don't tell him I said this, but..." I let her go and look her in her eye. She's smiling and so am I. "I'm really glad I met your brother too." I wink at her.

She giggles softly and sits back. "You should lemme try on the ring." She grabs my hand and starts pulling at it. "I promise I'll gibe it back though."

"You better. Alex is not wringing my neck because I let you put it on." I twist the ring off my finger and hand it to her. It's funny because I'm not even used to having it on, yet I feel naked without it.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She starts putting the ring on her finger. "So more importantly, when am I going to be an aunt?" She stuffs the ring all the way on her ginger and holds her hand out to admire how it looks on there. "Like come on already. Just get pregnant...I wanna be an aunt. When do I get to be an aunt?"

"Right after you get to be a bridesmaid." I reply.

"I'm gonna be your bridesmaid?" Her eyes get so wide.

"Of course."

"OH MY GOSH!" She springs up. "Oh my gosh! I can't wait! When?!"

"I don't know when, Amb." I shrug my shoulders. "We haven't really started planning the wedding yet. But we were talking about it on the drive here and we're aiming for Valentine's Day. We would like to have the wedding then." She squeals and jumps up and down. "Come on...we should probably head downstairs...people are probably wondering where the hell we're at. It's our party and we're sitting up here somewhere." She nods her head in agreement with me and stands up. "Gimme my ring back." I hold my hand out for it. She starts to pull the ring off her finger. I keep my hand out while I wait for her to give it to me. She tugs on it and sticks her tongue out as if she's having a tough time. "Amber, stop joking..." I put my hand down and walk over to her. "Gimme it."

"I...can't get it off." She's pulling so hard on it. "It's stuck..."

"No freaking way." I grab her hand and pull on the ring myself. It really won't budge. It's on her finger good and it's not coming off. "...Amber." I keep pulling on it. "Amber, we HAVE to get this off..." Her finger is really red and starting to turn purple. "Here, you're gonna have to bear with it..." I hold her hand still and pull SO hard.

"Owwww!" She snatches her hand away. "Stop...that hurts."

"I'm gonna freak out...I want my ring back." I take her hand and look at it. Her finger is all swelled up around the ring and it's turning dark purple. "...Oh my god. Alex is gonna kill me." Panic has officially set in and I'm about to start crying. The way her finger has swelled up around it, there's no way to get the ring off without having to cut it. I'm going to be so heartbroken if my ring has to get cut. "Oh my god, oh my god..." I try pulling on the ring once again but still, it's no use. "Amber."

"...Let's go smear some butter on it. I got it on, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to get it off now. Let's try smearing butter on it." I think she can see that I'm freaking out a bit and she knows that I feel like crying. She's trying so hard to remain calm for me. "Come on." She motions with her head towards the door and I pull myself together long enough to follow her.

**X X X **

"Ouch...ouch, stop pulling on it." She jumps back away from me because my pulling on it hurt. "We probably just have to twist it off. Don't pull it, just twist it." She keeps rubbing the entire stick of butter on her finger and my ring. "Twist it while I rub the butter on it." I grab onto the diamond with my thumb and index finger and twist it around and around. It's moving around her finger with ease but getting it over her knuckle is the problem. Her finger is so swollen. "Is it coming?"

"No..." I'm about to burst into tears. We've been standing here in this bathroom for half an hour trying to get my ring off her finger. "I don't even know why I let you put it on..." I keep twisting the ring but it's not making a difference. My ring is stuck on Amber's finger and the only way to get it off would be to cut it. "Put the butter down." I mumble, my voice coming out harsh. She puts the stick of butter on the counter next to the sink. "You pull the ring upwards while I push your knuckle down. We have to get it over your knuckle." She nods her head and starts pulling the ring. I push her knuckle down hard while she pulls but the ring is still good and stuck.

"Maybe try one side at a time?" She suggests.

"I don't know..." I stop touching her finger and cover my hands with my eyes. The tears are just falling. "Alex is gonna kill me. I don't even wanna know how much he paid for it and I've only had it for a week and now it's stuck and the only way it's gonna come off is if they cut it and I don't want it to be cut I want my ring back...I don't even know why I let you put it on. I'm so stupid." I lean against the sink and sniff. My chest is hiccuping. I'm so upset...my ring. "I'm about to just go tell him. He's gonna be so mad..."

"We'll get it off, Jo. Don't tell him yet." She's still working with the ring.

"It's not gonna happen, Amber! Your finger has swelled up around the ring which means that it's too fucking big to pull the ring over it right now. The ring is tight around your finger, which means that if we don't get the ring off in anything less than one hour, the circulation in your finger is going to stop, your finger is going to be numb and the swelling WON'T go down if there is no blood circulating through it. The only way my ring is getting off your finger is if someone cuts it off with pliers. It's not coming off, I'm DEAD, your brother is going to kill me and he's going to have to buy me a brand new fucking ring. It's not gonna come off." I go over to the bathroom door. "I'm going to tell him before your finger falls off."

I sigh and open up the door and leave out of the bathroom. Alex is sitting outside on his patio with the rest of his family. I don't want to meet the members of his family that I haven't met yet with my eyes all red and puffy from crying the way they are right now. I wipe my face as best as I can and walk through the kitchen to get to the sliding glass door that leads outside to the patio. Luckily for me, he's sitting at the table closest to the door. I knock on the door softly to get his attention. He turns around from talking with a group of family members that I don't know yet and motions with his hand for me to come outside. I shake my head and motion for him to come inside instead. He nods once, turns back and says something to the people he was talking to and stands up. I step away from the door and feel my hands as they begin to shake. He's gonna kill me. He's gonna be so mad at me.

He opens the door and comes in. "Hey, there you are." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Come outside, everyone wants to meet you. My grandmother, my aunt Kimmy and uncle Bob...come on."

"I have to tell you something." I sniff and put my head down. "Please don't be too mad at me. You can scream, yell...I'll let you get one free hit in. But just know that I'm sorry and I just wasn't thinking and it was an accident and I'm so sorry." I cover my face with my hands again and start crying harder than I was in the bathroom just because I actually have to tell him what I did. "I don't even know how much you paid and I don't even wanna know and I'm just sorry..."

He grabs onto my hands and takes them away from my face. "Jo, you have to talk to me. You're rambling and ranting right now and you're upset and I can't talk to you when you're like this. Tell me what's wrong, babe..." He holds my hands and rubs them with his thumbs. "...Where's your ring at?" He noticed that it's not there and I'm about to have a nervous freaking breakdown.

"...I let Amber put it on." I admit, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I let her put it on and now it's stuck and her finger swelled up real bad around it and now she can't get it off and the only way..." I'm interrupted by a hiccup. "The only way to get it off is to cut it. I'm so sorry."

"You let _Amber _put it on? Amber...the fattest fingers in the world and you let her put it on? Really Jo?" I can tell that he wants to blow up but I think because he sees that I'm already so very upset and crying, he's being nice to me. "Where is it? Where's Amber?"

"In the bathroom." I sniff.

"Go get her...tell her I said to come to the kitchen. I'm gonna go get my mom."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Ow! OW! OW, ALEX!" Amber screams in my ear as I bend her finger to the side so I can work the ring off her finger one side at a time. "OWWWW!" It's coming off slowly but surely. Amber's fat finger is so swollen and red and purple that I'm not surprised that it hurts. It looks like it hurts. I'm so incredibly pissed at Jo right now but I'm alright. I just can't believe she let Amber put her ring on. She's not supposed to ever take it off and she took it off to let AMBER put it on? I love Jo to death but sometimes she just doesn't think. "Ouch, ALEX. You can stop being such an ass about it! We were just playing around. It was a mistake." My mom hands me the butter so I can rub some more on the ring.

"Some mistake." I grab a knife off the counter and slide it up underneath the ring to get the butter under there. "I don't know what Jo was thinking but better yet, why would you even ask her to put it on? It's an ENGAGEMENT ring, Amber. It's not some fucking mood ring I got out of a vending machine at the convenience store. Why would you even ask her to put it on, you fucking goof." I spread the butter underneath the ring. "Five fucking thousand dollar ring and it has fucking butter all over it." I mumble. "You and Jo can't do shit together. You two are always getting into some stupid shit. You two act like fucking idiots." I push the knife downwards.

"Ouch! Mom, he just stabbed me!" She tries pulling her hand away from me but I have a really good grip on her so she can't. "Well you can stop acting like a damn dickhead." She starts yelling at me as if I'm the one that has a ring stuck on my finger. "It was an accident. You act like we put the ring on my finger with the intention of getting it stuck on my finger. We made a mistake, Alex. Don't be such a hardass." I push the ring upwards and bend her finger again. "OUCH!" She swings at me with her free hand. "Mom, tell him to stop acting like a freaking jerk!"

"He's right though, Amber." My mom takes the knife and slips it up underneath the other side of the ring. "You shouldn't have even put Jo in this predicament in the first place. Why would you even ask her if you could put it on?" My mom's on my side and I'm honestly not surprised that she is. I knew she'd see it my way. I'm not saying that Jo is completely innocent because she's not. She's guilty of being an idiot. But Amber shouldn't have even twisted her lips to ask Jo if she could put it on period. "Like Alex said, it's an engagement ring. It's not a toy or some piece of costume makeup you can just put on for fun. You shouldn't have even asked Jo."

"Right, because it's all my fault." Amber sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes. "It's always my fault. Nevermind the fact that he's over here trying to break my finger."

"I don't give a damn about your finger, Amber. I give a damn about the ring that's ON your finger. I paid good money for this ring, dammit." I work with my mom to ease it over her knuckle. "And nobody's saying that it's totally your fault. It's Jo's fault too for acting like an idiot." I shoot a glance over at her and she looks so guilty, like a little kid apologizing with her eyes. "Why would you even give it to her, Jo? You should've told her no. If she asked you to give her our first born child, would you do it?" She doesn't say anything. She just keeps her head down and her shoulders drooped. "How can someone so smart be so damn dumb? It's like you don't even give a damn about it. Do you know how precious an engagement ring is supposed to be? You're not even supposed to take it off, let alone give it to Princess Fat Fingers to wear it."

"Calm down, Allie." My mom puts her hand on my shoulder. "She didn't know." There my mom goes again, defending Jo. In her eyes, Jo can do no wrong. Jo is almighty, queen of the gods in my mom's eyes. She does NO wrong.

"No, mom. I'm pissed. You're not supposed to just pass around an engagement ring like it means nothing." I shrug her hand off.

"I'm sorry." Jo whispers. "It was stupid and I'm sorry." She sighs.

"Damn right it was stupid." I get the ring over Amber's knuckle finally and just pull it the rest of the way. It comes off easily and it's all covered in slippery butter and the diamonds aren't even visible through the butter. I walk the damn ring over to the sink and hold it in my hand while I run it underneath some lukewarm water to clean it off. I rub the butter off the diamonds and make sure it's all clean. I'm not really worried about it rusting or anything because it's made of the materials that don't rust or chip. I hold it up to my face so I can make sure all the diamonds are in place and cleaned off. Once I see that it's clean, I dry it off with my shirt and hand it to Jo. "Don't take it back off your finger, Josephine. Unless you're doing something with toxic waste, don't let me see this ring off your finger." She nods her head at me and puts it back in it's respectful home. I grab Amber by her arm and yank her over to the sink too. "Come here." I mumble to her. I hold her hand underneath warm water too in hopes that the swelling will go down. I rub her finger while the water hits it. "And don't even ask her to put it on again."

"I won't." She says.

"Jo, come look at her finger. She need to go to the hospital?" I motion with my hand for Jo to come over and check on Amber's finger. Jo walks over to where we're standing and takes Amber's hand into hers. She looks at her ring finger and turns her hand over. She rubs her thumb over Amber's swollen finger. "She gonna be okay?"

"It's just swollen." Jo nods her head. "You'll be okay. You can ice it though...take the swelling down." She continues looking at Amber's finger. "...Straighten it out for me real quick, Amber." She holds Amber's hand out straight. Amber straightens out her finger. "Yeah, it's just swollen. It's not broken or anything. Just keep some ice on it. I'll look at it again in an hour, after the swelling goes down just to make sure everything's alright. But I'm fairly certain that you're fine."

"Fairly certain? You're a doctor, how could you just be 'fairly certain'?" Amber snatches her hand away from Jo and looks at her finger herself.

"Well if you want me to be 100% certain, get me an x-ray machine." Jo snaps back at her and I can't help but chuckle. "You want me to go meet people now or what?" She turns to me and lifts her head up. "Or are you too mad to look at me?"

"I'm still mad at you but it's your party, so you should probably go outside and meet people."

**X X X **

"She's so beautiful, Alexander." My grandmother takes a small sip of her glass of Pepsi and adjusts her glasses as her eyes immediately go over to Jo. Jo's standing over at the food table, getting the both of us pieces of cake. I look over at her too. She's dragging the knife through the sheet cake like it's second-nature to her. My gram hasn't met Jo just yet because we haven't gotten around to her. I introduced her to my aunt Kimmy and uncle Bob first and they had to sit down and have a twenty minute conversation with her of course. Then after aunt Kimmy and uncle Bob, I took her to meet my cousin Valerie and her husband Rick. Then after the two of them, Don insisted that I introduce her to his parents so I did. After introducing her to Amber's grandparents, my mom forced her to take a picture with Amber next to the cake. So next on our list of people to meet is my grandmother, finally. I can tell that this is a little overwhelming for her to meet so many people but she's taking it pretty well. "Where'd you say she graduated from?"

"She went to college at Princeton University and she just graduated from Harvard Medical last week." I watch Jo as she puts two slices of cake on one plate and grabs two forks. This entire party was a surprise for her and Amber. When we pulled into the driveway and heard the music playing in the back, she started panicking because she didn't think that she was dressed nice enough to meet my extended family. I had to convince her that she looked beautiful in what she had on and I didn't lie to her. Jo always looks pretty but there's something about seeing her in shorts and a t-shirt that really turns me on. She's wearing a pair of faded blue jean shorts, showing off her long legs and a white and navy blue striped t-shirt that's two sizes too big for her and hanging off her shoulders. Her long, blonde and brunette hair is wavy and resting all down her back. My gram is right of course. Jo's beautiful. "She's um...gonna be a surgeon."

"Smart girl, huh?" My gram flashes a smile with her pearly white dentures and adjusts her glasses again. For being 77, my gram is pretty young. She doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink and she goes to Zumba classes down at the YMCA in Topeka, where she lives. She has bad cataracts though, and she has dentures but that's about it. If it wasn't for the liver spots on her hands and neck, you wouldn't even be able to tell that she's 77. Oh, and when she opens her mouth to talk, you can tell she's just real old-fashioned. She's heavily into church and stuff. But other than those things, you wouldn't be able to tell her age. "Amber tells me that you two are thinking of having the wedding in February. That true?"

"Yep." I pick up the same beer I've been sipping on for the last hour and take another small taste of it. I've been pacing myself because I know how much Jo hates it when I'm drunk and I'm trying to enjoy my beer without getting intoxicated for her. "We might push it up though. To like...maybe December or something. It depends, really."

"Why would you move the wedding up?" She leans across the table. "She's not pregnant, is she?" I know why she's asking. She's asking because god forbid I get Jo pregnant before we get married. God forbid we have a baby out of wedlock. "Dear god Alexander, don't tell me she's-"

"Nobody's pregnant, gram." I shut her down before she can even say what I know she was about to say about Jo. She was about to find some fancy, polite way to call Jo a slut. Like a trollop or a harlot or something of that nature. She was about to suggest that Jo's some kind of whore and that we should get on our knees and pray for the lord's forgiveness. Can you imagine my gram's distaste when her daughter turned out to be a crack-addicted druggie that lived in sin with her boyfriend, married when she was young and ultimately had a baby (me) out of wedlock? "Jo's a lady, gram. Just wait and see."

Speaking of Jo, she comes over to where I'm sitting and puts the cake down on the table in front of me. "Hey baby, I wasn't sure if you wanted chocolate or vanilla so I just brought both and I'll eat whatever piece you don't." She walks around to the other side of the seat I'm sitting in so she can sit with me and I instantly notice my grandmother's eyes wander to Jo's outfit, her shorts in particular. I'll be the first to admit that Jo's shorts are a little bit too short. Her butt hangs out the bottom but only when she bends over. Nobody else really thinks Jo's outfit is inappropriate because the shorts aren't that bad and it's not like her shirt is exposing nipple or anything. But my gram only approves of things that are worn from chin to ankle so of course, she's judging poor Jo. "I have two forks." She hands me one, sighs like she's catching her breath and smiles. "Who's this?"

"This is my grandma...Gram, this is Jo...my fiancee." I introduce the two of them and while Jo has a bubbly little smile on her face, my gram's face is nothing but judgmental. Jo's gonna need a Xanax if my gram doesn't stop looking at her like this.

"It's nice to meet you, ma'am." Jo smiles wider and offers my gram her hand.

My gram slowly shakes Jo's hand. "It's nice to make your acquaintance, Joanne."

I cringe at that but Jo handles it like a pro. "It's actually Jo_sephine_, but you can call me Jo...everybody calls me Jo. Nobody really uses my full name...I don't much like my full name." Like the genius she is, Jo picks up on the fact that my gram is tough to win over so she turns on that Ivy League education. "Alex has told me so much about you." _No I haven't. _"All positive things, of course. He has quite an exceptional family."

"Yes, he's told me about you as well." My gram plasters on a smile so fake that I don't even think Jo's falling for it. "Tell me Josephine, what do your parents do for a living?"

Jo's body language says it all. She's heavily annoyed with the fact that my gram insists on using her full name, but she handles it well again. "I was..." She clears her throat. "I am unaware of my biological parents, as my mother abandoned me when I was an infant. I was in the foster system until I was ten years old, when I was adopted by my mother and father. My parents are now dead. But the were both workers. My father taught classical music at Saint Ambrose University in Iowa until his retirement and my mother was a housewife. She stayed at home and took care of me while my father worked." Jo's proper voice and proper speech is so much different than what I'm used to. I hate it when she talks like this but she has to, just to appease my grandmother.

"Sounds like you've had quite the detriment in life. At what age did your parents pass on?"

"My father passed away when I was eighteen years old and my mother passed away when I was nineteen. I've taken care of myself ever since." She sits up straight.

"On a very limited income, I assume..." My gram wrinkles her brow. "How did you make it through college such as Princeton on such a limited income? I assume losing your parents at such a young age was very harrowing." I'm a master at reading through my grandmother's lines. She's asking Jo about her income because it's no secret that I paid her way through school. She probably thinks Jo's a gold digger...

"I worked three part time jobs in college. I worked at a daycare on campus, I worked at sandwich restaurant, I waited tables at a restaurant and when I came of age, I worked as a cocktail waitress at the same restaurant." Jo folds her hands.

"And what restaurant was that?"

"...I worked at..." Jo clears her throat. "I worked at Hooters for two years." I cringe for her. My gram is about to nail her to the wall.

"What made you turn to that kind of work? For a girl like you, I presume there were plenty of other options that didn't include working at such an obscene restaurant."

"I just waited tables." Jo's whole "I went to the Ivy League" voice and speech has just completely disappeared. "I didn't sleep with anybody, I just bused tables and delivered drinks. That's it. And I stayed because the pay was good. I'm not exactly sure what you meant by 'that kind of work', ma'am."

"I was simply stating that there must have been other options, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that working at a place like that isn't exactly your proudest life choice, so..."

"I got myself through college with that job so I'd say I'm pretty content with that life choice." Underneath the table, I grab onto Jo's hand and squeeze so she knows to settle down. She snatches her hand away from me. "I think it's time for me to leave now..." She scoots out of her chair. "It was a pleasure meeting you Ms...Ms..." She wrinkles her brow. "I'm sorry, what's your name?"

"Heather."

"Right." She nods and turns that Ivy League thing back on. "Well I think this has gotten off on the wrong um...foot here." She tucks her hair behind her ear. "It was a pleasure meeting you Miss Heather, but I think it's time I excuse myself." Jo turns to me. "I'll catch up with you later..." She scoots out of her chair again and gets up. She walks away and disappears in the house.

"You didn't have to do that to her, gram." I shake my head. "She's very strong and she-"

"I like her." My gram smiles and nods her head. "She's headstrong...independent. And smart as a whip." She nods her head again. "I really like her, Alexander. Good choice."

"You like her?" I raise my brow.

"Very much so." She's still nodding. "She knows how to overcome adversity. You see how easily she turned the charm on? She knows how to make someone like her. She's quick, too. Sharp as a whip and very intelligent on her feet. Good thinker." _Was she testing Jo? _"She'd make a way without you, you know." I wrinkle my brow now. "Through school, I mean. She's got the drive and the work ethic. Three jobs? She doesn't need you or your money. And she knows how to deal with tough stuff...didn't even bat an eyelash when she saw me look at her the way I did. She's exactly what you need. Respectful, too. I was dishing it to her and she didn't even dish it back to her elder. She's respectful...and I'm surprised." She gives me the ultimate seal of approval. "She's perfect."

"...I'll be back, gram. I gotta go make sure she's okay." I pull out of my chair now that I'm sure that all my gram was doing was testing her. She really didn't have to do that to her though. I could've told her that Jo was all of those things. She didn't have to put her through hell like that. "You really didn't need to do that though." I make sure my gram knows that I'm displeased with what she just did and turn to go in the house and find Jo. I just don't like how this is the first time in YEARS that I've seen my grandmother and she did that to my fiancee.

I open up the glass doors and walk through the kitchen. I see that the bathroom door in the dining room is closed so I know that's where she went. I go to the door and knock on it. "Jo?" I don't get an answer from her so I put my ear to the door and listen to see if maybe I'm wrong and this isn't her. I hear gentle weeping coming from behind the door and when I hear the soft little "mmmm" crying moan, I know for sure that it's her. "Jo, it's me...open up babe." I twist the doorknob and find that it's actually open. She must not have been able to hold it together long enough to lock the door. I open the door slowly and find that she's sitting on the toilet with her face buried in her hands. "...Babe, stop crying..."

"Just go away." She shakes her head. "I just knew it was too good to be true, you know? Everyone I met today was so nice and welcoming and they really...really made me feel like I could have a family with your family. But...I knew it was too good to be true. I knew there was going to be at least one person..."

I shut the door behind myself and walk over to her. "Jo no...no." I shake my head. "She likes you. She loves you, actually. I just talked to her after you left and she told me that she was just testing you...that's all. She really likes you." I cradle her face in my hands. "I...know that was a little uncomfortable for you but you just have to understand...it was just a test. Look, my family's been around for one failed relationship of mine before. And they're used to seeing girls come and go in my life and they're accustomed to seeing those girls want me for the money. You know that. They're just protective...that's all."

"Why didn't you warn me?" She sniffs. "You threw me to the freaking wolves there."

"I didn't know." I bend down and kiss her forehead. "But they like you. Everyone loves you. Everyone adores you and everyone knows that this is gonna work between me and you. They like you." I kiss her forehead again. "And I hope you like them too because...they're your family now too. And they're our babies' family and you're in it with them forever, the second you say 'I do' to me. So I hope you like them too."

She smiles. "...They're not so bad."


	61. Has To Happen

**A/N: **The second big time jump is here, guys. Read carefully and you'll be able to tell exactly how long it's been since last chapter. Also, just because I didn't go into a bunch of detail about Alex and Jo's wedding doesn't mean that I'm going to leave you guys in the dark about the wedding. I'll cover what happened at the wedding and what it was like throughout flashbacks from now until the end of the story. I just couldn't fit the wedding into the story when I've still got one major story line I'm trying to cover before I wrap up the story, so I've decided to make it told throughout flashbacks. I hope that's okay with you guys &amp; I hope you guys enjoy the last few chapters of In The End.

* * *

I take my purse off my shoulder and open it up so I can search around inside for my house key. I only worked an eight hour shift today but I swear it felt like I was pulling a 12 hour one. It probably felt so long because I've been anxiously waiting since my lunch hour to get home today. Ever notice how when you really want something and you know you're going to get it, time seems like it drags on just to make you wait for it? That's what today was for me. Today was full of waiting, anxiousness...all of that stuff. I find my house key at the bottom of my purse and shove it into the lock. I left the house at 5:30 this morning and haven't been home since. When I left the hospital, it was 3:45 and it takes about ten or fifteen minutes to get from the hospital to the house, plus I stopped at the CVS Pharmacy to pick something up. So I haven't officially checked the time since I left the hospital but I'm willing to guess that it's somewhere between 4:30 and quarter to 5:00. I unlock the front door and push it open.

I'm not exactly sure where Alex went this afternoon but he did text me on my lunch hour and told me that he wouldn't be home when I was. He said he had an errand to run and he'd be home about ten or so minutes after I got home from work. He didn't leave that long ago and I can tell because he set Vader outside and he's still out there. I drop my purse on the floor, along with the bag from CVS and lightly jog back towards the kitchen so I can let Vader in from the yard before I go take care of some business I have to attend to. I open up the back door and step onto the porch. "Come on, Vade! Come on buddy..." Out in the yard, Vader stands up from the ground from lying underneath a tree and runs to the door. When he runs past me to go into the house, I catch a whiff of his stench and turn my nose up. I'm off tomorrow so I'll give him a bath. Alex usually stays on top of bathing the dog but he's been busy lately with his book and stuff, plus bathing Vader is a chore. He's the size of a small horse so bathing him is no easy task. "How long you been out there, Vady baby?" I shut the back door and go straight to the fridge so I can fill up his water bowl with the fresh water we keep in the fridge. I kneel down next to his food bowl and pour clean water into his water bowl. He starts drinking as soon as I start pouring. "Sorry 'bout that, Vade..." I rub his head while he drinks. "Drink up, buddy."

I put the water back in the fridge and go to where I left my purse and the CVS bag. Part of me thinks that maybe I should wait for Alex to get home before I do this but the better half of me can't wait and just wants to get it over with. I can always surprise him with it when he walks through the door. So I pick up my purse and the CVS bag and head towards the front door. I unlock the front door so that I won't have to get off the toilet and let Alex in when he decides to come home because I see that his key is still hanging on the key rack next to the door. I hang my purse on the back of the doorknob and take the CVS bag to the downstairs bathroom. I close the bathroom door behind me and drop the plastic bag on the floor next to the toilet. I untie the drawstrings on my light blue scrub pants and pull them down, along with my underwear. I sit down on the toilet and reach down to grab the bag. I pluck the purple and pink box out of the bag and tear it open with anticipation.

I pop the cap off the top of the long, smooth, white plastic stick and shove my hand between my legs. It's a shame how much of a professional I am at this. I know the drill and I know exactly what to do. You take the cap off, pee on the thing, put the cap back on and wait for the longest three minutes of your entire life. It's crazy how accustomed to the routine I've gotten but I guess that's what happens when you've been taking pregnancy tests at least once a month for the last year and three months. Once I start releasing my bladder, I feel the weight of my pee drag the stick down so I have to hold it tighter so it doesn't fall. When I'm done, I put the cap back on the end of the stick I just peed on and sit it on the counter next to the sink. I roll up some toilet paper and wipe myself with it. I stand up, pull my pants back up and flush the toilet. I turn on the sink so I can wash my hands.

I have a really good feeling about this test. All the other tests I've taken (and failed, by the way) didn't feel like this one. Every time I take one, I feel like I'm going to fail. It's just a feeling that I get. I think I'd know if I was pregnant because I'd feel it or something like that and for the last year and three months, when I took a test, I didn't feel anything. But this time is so much different because I actually think I might be. I feel something. I have a really good feeling about this time. I dry my hands on the towel next to the sink and sit down on the back of the toilet seat while I wait. I'm so anxious for this. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves down and grab my phone off the counter. I push the home screen to see how long it's been and sigh when I realize that not even a minute has passed. So I sit here on the toilet, staring down at my phone screen, getting lost in the picture that's been my screensaver for the last year and three months. In the picture, Alex and I are standing in front of the awning that we got married in front of. I remember that day like it was yesterday, not a year ago. It was a small wedding; not very many people invited and not very showy but that's what made it all the more special. It was nice and private and just the way I imagined it to be.

Alex and I have been married for a year and three months and we've been completely happy ever since. The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and so meaningful. In planning the wedding, we both decided that it would be best if we didn't have a big, church wedding because it's not like the two of us have a big extended family that we could invite. So we rented out a very nice banquet hall in Kansas, since that's where his family is. We invited about 100 people and we were married in a very small, very private ceremony. It was absolutely beautiful though. Me and Alex decorated the hall and stuff by ourselves. I chose the color scheme and he went along with everything. Needless to say, with Alex's need to make sure I get whatever I want, we had the princess wedding we talked about five years ago.

It wasn't as princessy as I originally wanted it to be, back when I was a naive 23 year old kid. My dress was very light pink and sparkly. The top was strapless with a heart-shaped neckline and it had silver crystals all over it. The bottom was flowy with ruffles in it and crystals in the ruffles. My hair was done by Stephanie's aunt because she owns her own hair shop and she did it perfectly. It was half up-half down with bouncy spiral curls and a very pretty, sparkly clip holding the top up. I looked like a princess in my wedding dress and I felt like one too. Alex's suit was pristine and white and his tie was pink to match my dress. My bridesmaids dresses were the same light, faded pink color as my dress. Steph and Amber were my bridesmaids and Alex's mom walked me down the aisle. It was such a beautiful wedding. Sometimes, I catch myself daydreaming about it every now and again. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to that day because every part of it was amazing. Especially the part when we...

"_I'm um...no good at making toasts and giving speeches and all that, so I'm not gonna spend a bunch of time up here." Alex holds the microphone in his dominant hand and shoves his free hand in the pocket of his suit. I cut a small piece of cake off the corner of the piece on my plate and fork it into my mouth as neatly as possible. To my left, Amber is stuffing her face with her third slice of cake. I'm only on my second and that's because the cake is just so good. After tasting over 40 different cake flavor combinations, we finally settled on a Neapolitan cake. Since the original cake design was three tiers anyway, we just decided to have each tier a different flavor. The bottom tier is a vanilla cake with a vanilla buttercream filling. The middle tier is a strawberry cake with a strawberries and cream filling and the top tier is a chocolate cake with a triple chocolate fudge filling. I take a sip of wine and listen to my baby give his speech. I didn't even know that he prepared a speech for today; he didn't tell me. "First of all, I just wanna thank all you guys that came out to celebrate with us tonight...me and Jo really uh...appreciate it."_

_I look around the reception room at all the people that came out tonight. There weren't that many people at the actual wedding ceremony because Alex and I both decided that we wanted to keep the wedding as private and intimate as possible but we invited a bunch of people to the reception and they all came out. There has to be about 200 people here. I'm the happiest girl on the planet today. I feel like such a princess in my pink wedding dress with my prince in his clean white suit. This entire day—scratch that—this entire LIFE with Alex is one big fairytale. "So..." He clears his throat into the microphone and continues his speech. "Before we turn down the lights and continue in our celebration of tonight, I first and foremost want to share the first dance, of course, with my...wife." He smiles when he says the word "wife". I put down my cake fork and sit up straight since everyone's attention is now on me. "I think it's only right if my wife and I share the first dance of the night. So Jo...will you?" I feel my cheeks flush as I blush and I scoot out of my chair so I can join him on the dancefloor._

_I didn't know that he had planned on us dancing together to start out the official celebration. Our original plan was for us wait for all the guests to arrive. The reception started at 4:00 and it took until about 4:30 for us to close the doors. Dinner was served by the waitresses and waiters at 5:00 promptly and at about 6:15, me and Alex cut the cake and did the special ceremonial things, such as throw the bouquet and things like that. Before dinner, Alex's mom, stepfather and Stephanie all gave speeches and raised toasts. I thought that after everything in the schedule was done, we were just going to have the DJ turn down the lights and people could dance. I didn't know that me and Alex were going to dance first. I guess it makes sense that we would though. I push my chair in after I get out of it and make my way to the dancefloor where Alex is standing, waiting for me._

"_I told you to be ready, didn't I?" He holds out his hand for me. I slide my hand into his with a smile on my face and he pulls me close to him. He puts his hands on my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck. "I love you." He puts his forehead against mine and as soon as he does, the music starts playing. From the first note, my knees go weak and I feel like I might drop down on the floor and start crying. I forgot all about this song over the years. I can't believe he didn't. He holds me close to him and starts swaying back and forth with me in his arms because he remembers from the first time we ever danced together that I CAN'T dance and he has to lead me. "You remember this song?" He asks me, our noses touching and our eyes locked into one another._

_I nod my head as one single, salty tear trails down my cheek and a wide, honest smile spreads across my lips. "It's our song..." I raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him. When we share our kiss, everyone in the room goes "awww" and some people even clap. I forgot that there were other people in this room aside from me and Alex. We're the only two that matter though. "I swore to you my love will remain...and I swear it all over again." I whisper the lyrics to him and rest my head on his chest. The first time I ever heard this song was while I was dancing in his arms about five years ago and now we're dancing to it on our wedding day. _

_Funny that way how life works out, isn't it?_

With a slight dreamy smile on my face, I push the home button on my phone again to see if it's time for me to check the test yet. Sure enough, four minutes have passed and I should be able to get a result now. I anxiously put my phone down on the counter next to the sink and spring up off the back of the toilet seat. I take a deep breath to calm myself before I even look at the test. _It's just a test, Jo. It's all it is. It's okay...calm down. Think positive. Think positive. You're so pregnant. _I take another deep breath and pick up the test off the sink. I close my eyes and tilt my head back to the ceiling. _Think positive. _I open my eyes and slowly bring my head down to see the test. I look at the little grey window that displays the result and swallow this lump that formed in the back of my throat from being nervous. I take in the result, close my eyes again, bite my lip and lifelessly walk over to the trashcan to throw it away. I've started sweating out of nowhere. So I push my hair away from my sticky forehead and throw the bag and the empty box that the test came in away. I snatch my phone up off the counter and leave out of the bathroom.

I bite my lip hard to distract myself from crying the way I really want to and walk to the front door. Vader follows me to the door and when I open it, I hold it so he can come out and sit on the porch with me. _But my boobs were so sore all last week and I've been nauseous every morning at the same time. How is it negative? I don't get it. _I sit down on the swinging bench hanging from the ceiling of the porch and tap the empty space next to me. Vader catches my drift and jumps up to sit next to me. "I don't get it, Vade..." I start swinging the bench and Vader puts his head on my lap, insisting that I scratch between his ears. "How can we try for so long...and get nothing?" I blink my eyes and the tears stream down my face. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can handle. Because every time I take a test, I get my hopes up and I swear I think that this time is the time. And then I have to look at the two words in that grey box and every single time it gets harder. How much more of this can I take? We've been trying for a year and two months. There's been ONE month in the last year and three months that me and Alex have been married that I didn't spend at least half an hour on the toilet crying because it's just not happening for us. And that one month? That was our fucking honeymoon.

"What if I can't give him a baby, Vade?" I scratch between his ears and lean down for a kiss. He licks my salty, tear-covered cheek which temporarily makes me smile. Vader's been my son for the last few years and he's great but...he's a dog. I sniff and wipe my tears away. "Then what? What do we, adopt a baby?" I keep rubbing Vader's head. "I don't understand..." I sigh. "There are girls out there that bump elbows with guys and end up pregnant but then there's me...I really want a baby and it's so hard." I sniff again. "I really feel like we're in an okay place for a baby right now and it's just not happening..." I know it probably seems crazy that I'm sitting here pouring my heart out to my dog but I actually do this a lot. If Alex isn't around to listen to me, I usually just spill my guts to Vader. Sometimes I like talking to Vader more than I like talking to Alex because well...Vader just listens. Alex is a good listener too but he gives advice and sometimes I don't need advice. Sometimes I just need him to shut up and listen. "This really doesn't get any easier."

You would think that after so many failed attempts (21 total, but who's counting?), I'd be used to getting negative tests and going yet another month with an empty womb. But I'm not and every single time I take a test and get my hopes up, it hurts just as bad as the very first test I ever failed. I really thought that this was it this time around though. I had totally different feeling, I was positive, I was thinking positive and today's been such a good day that I really thought that I'd come home to a positive pregnancy test to round out my amazing day. My boobs were sore, for the last month I've been nauseous and I swear I feel something move in my stomach. Alex thinks that it's just me wanting a baby so badly that I trick my body into believing it but I swear I felt so pregnant. I move my hair back away from my sweaty, teary face again and look out into the road. Seriously, what if I can't give Alex a baby? Then all of this would've been for nothing.

We bought this house with the idea of having babies in mind. We have two free bedrooms upstairs. One bedroom is completely empty, painted white with clean carpets because me and Alex have never set foot in it. The other room is painted yellow. Me and Alex painted it about a year ago, when we first moved in the house. We figured that we were gonna have a baby in nine months to put in the yellow room but we did that without even considering the possibility of a negative pregnancy test. I have to admit that that failed attempt probably hurt the worst. Having to put the paint in the attic and having to look in that yellow room...it hurt. But anyway, we have this big house to the three of us with no baby to fill the bedrooms. We have a big yard that's made for a swingset and a playhouse. Our basement is finished so we can move Alex's work out equipment out of there and turn it into a playroom. Bottom line...we have this big house that we bought with the idea of having a family in mind. It's been a year and two months since we've been trying and there is no sign of having a baby. I'm 28 years old and I'm not a mommy yet...I really wanna be a mommy.

Interrupting my thoughts, a large black truck pulls into the driveway of the house and forces me to get myself together. I sit up straight, wipe my face off as best as I can and clear my throat so there's no sign that I was crying as hard as I just was a second ago. On the bench next to me, Vader springs up and bolts off the porch, stopping at the fence and trying to climb it to greet Alex. Alex locks his car doors when he gets out of it and walks around the fence to get to the opening. He unlatches the lock on the fence, swings it open, comes inside and locks it back. "Hey bud..." He pets the underside of Vader's chin since he can reach it. When Vader stands up on his hind legs, he's almost as tall as Alex. "What's up?" Alex keeps petting him and I stand up so I can greet him too. I walk to the edge of the steps that lead down off the porch and wait for him. "Hey babe...why you still in your work clothes?" He dismisses Vader and starts walking up the steps. He greets me with a chaste kiss on the lips. "Everything okay?"

"Mhm." I nod my head and wrap my arms around his waist because I really need a hug right now. "Where you coming back from?" I pull away from the hug but don't take my arms from around his waist though. "You smell like sweat...you work out today?"

"Yeah...went to the gym with Greg for a little bit then I ran down to pay the phone bill. I'm coming back from the AT&amp;T store." He wraps his arm around my shoulder and starts walking with me to the house. "How was work today?"

"Work was...you know. Work." I open up the door and hold it for him as we both walk in together. "I was on trauma rotation all day and I pulled a shard of glass out of this man's foot. It was crazy." I shut and lock the door behind him and the dog. "You have anything in mind for dinner tonight? I was kinda feeling on spaghetti but I wanted to talk to you first."

"Spaghetti's cool." He puts his keys on the key rack and follows me back to the kitchen. "Hey Jo..."

"Hmm?" I mumble, going straight to the fridge so I can take out some ground beef for the meat sauce.

"Something else going on?" He takes the package of meat off of me and puts it on the counter. "You seem kinda quiet...everything alright?" I turn around to face him and he puts his hand underneath my chin and raises my head. "You know you can talk to me, right?" I look down at the ground and take a moment to collect myself. This is one of the many reasons why I love Alex. He just...knows. He always knows when something's wrong with me and I can't keep anything from him because he just KNOWS. "What's going on?"

"...Member how I told you...that my boobs were kinda sore and I wasn't feeling well in the mornings?" I swallow another lump in my throat and lean against the counter for support because I know that I'm about to bawl my eyes out when I tell him that I failed at getting pregnant for yet another month. He has a hopeful look on his face as he nods his head. "I took a test when I got home from work and still nothing." I sigh. "I know it's nothing new and I probably shouldn't get my hopes up anymore, but..." I swat away a pesky tear. "Every frickin' time I get my hopes up.."

"No babe...it's okay." He grabs my arm and forces me to put my head on his chest. "It's fine." He starts stroking my back. "It's gonna happen though. Maybe this month just wasn't the right month. It's gonna happen when it's meant to happen. This month just wasn't the right time." I can recite his speech off the top of my head. He's been saying this for as long as we've been trying to have a baby. He always says, "it's not the right month" and "it'll happen." He rests his chin atop of my head and keeps rubbing my back. "It's gonna happen. We just gotta be patient..."

"We've been patient, Alex." I bury my face in his chest and squeeze him tight. "I don't feel like it's ever gonna happen. We've been trying for so long. Like what if it doesn't? We've tried everything...What if it doesn't happen? What if we don't get to have our baby?" I squeeze him tighter because I need an Alex hug. He's the only one that can make me feel better. "We tried that ovulation test...all the positions in that book we read...I even ate that whole thing of watermelon, remember? We tried everything..."

"You wanna go back to the doctor? Tell her that we tried everything that she suggested?" He suggests.

"For what? For her to say that she thinks maybe we should try taking an egg outta me and having you fertilize it in a dish? I told you, I don't wanna do it the science-fiction way. I want it to happen the right way. You and me...making a baby out of love. I don't want us to spend an arm and a leg on fertility treatments when they probably won't even work." The problem is that I DON'T ovulate. It just doesn't happen for me. Every month when I should be releasing eggs, I don't. So if there's no egg there to fertilize, we can't get pregnant. And we've tried everything. Alex took me to a specialist to see what the problem was and she's the one that told me that I don't release eggs. I have eggs in my ovaries but they don't come out every month like they should and when she ran tests to get an egg count on me, it was very low. She suggested that I eat more fruits because studies have shown that fruits can make a woman ovulate. She gave us three ovulation tests that I was supposed to pee on and they would tell me when my most fertile days would be. She even gave us a book that gave us all the best sexual positions to increase the possibility of me getting pregnant. None of it worked. Next up is sticking me in the ass with needles once a month for me to ovulate. Either that or having the doctor go in and take an egg out of me, have Alex jack off in a dish and fertilize it that way. I just wanna have babies with Alex the all natural way.

"Look Jo, it's gonna happen..." He kisses me on my cheek. "And it doesn't matter which way we make a baby. Either way it goes, our baby will be made out of love and we'll love it and it'll be our baby. Why does it matter if we get pregnant the old fashioned way or if we get help with it? It's not happening the old fashioned way, babe...so maybe it's time for us to get some help."

"What kind of help though?"

"...We could try those injections. The ones that are supposed to manually make you ovulate. We don't have to immediately jump to the in-vitro fertilization. We can just try the injections first. Can we try the injections?" He holds my hands.

"Okay..." I whisper. "I love you."

"I love you too, babe." He kisses my lips. "And we're gonna have a baby...it's taking a little longer but it's gonna happen."

"It has to happen." I look down at the floor again. "I can't take anymore heartbreak with this. It hurts so bad, Alex."

"I know." He kisses me again. "I'll call the doctor tomorrow."


	62. Give Up

I flick my turn signal on since I have to turn into the left lane to get onto the proper exit. I glance in my mirrors to make sure it's alright for me to turn and once I see that it is, I switch into the left lane and turn the signal off. From the corner of my eye, I see that Jo's staring out the rain-covered window with her head rested against the door frame. She hasn't said much to me this morning but I haven't thought much about it because she could just be tired. I lean forward a little and turn up the temperature for the air conditioner, just in case she's hot. She folds her hands in her lap and shifts her weight. "You okay?" I turn down the radio a little so I can hear her whenever she starts talking. I really think that she's just tired because I know Jo's different quietnesses. I know her "I'm tired" quiet, I know her "I'm not in the mood so leave me alone" quiet and I know her "I'm about to cry" quiet. I'm fairly certain that she's displaying an "I'm tired" quiet but on the off chance that it's not that ind of quiet, I ask anyway. It makes sense that she'd be tired though. We did wake up at 9:00 this morning and we didn't go to bed until around 2:30 last night. It's pretty ridiculous that we have to wake up at 9:00 in the morning for an appointment at 12:00 noon but we've been doing it for so long that I guess it doesn't phase either one of us anymore. "Jo?" I call her name since she still hasn't answered my question from before.

"Hmm?" She turns her head and faces me. "I'm fine." She sighs and puts her head back against the window. I'm changing my mind. I'm pretty sure that this is an "I'm not in the mood" kind of quiet. I lean forward again but this time, I turn the radio completely off instead of turning it down. She sucks her teeth in annoyance and I know that she knows that I'm not about to just let it go. "I just don't feel like driving this far." Her tone is ravaged with annoyance and a hint of sadness as well. Something more than the distance is bothering her because we've been taking this drive for like ten months or something like that and it's never bothered her before. Sure it's a long drive to take just to go to some doctor's appointment but I always thought she sort of enjoyed it a little bit. Holyoke is no hop, skip and jump away from Boston but we usually make the most of the trip. We usually go to the doctor, listen to what she has to say and on our way home, we stop at some new, exotic restaurant that we don't have in Boston. It's sort of our little thing that we do. "It's so annoying to have to do this all the time. Especially when we already know the end result..." She mumbles under her breath.

"Don't say that, Jo. We don't already know the end result. Anything can happen." I reach over and put my hand against her leg for comfort. "Anything can happen...you know that."

"I'm just tired of this." Her voice cracks in a way that suggests that she might start to cry. If I weren't on the highway right now, I'd pull over and hold her while she cries. But since I can't do that, I'll just listen in silence because about 20% of the time, just listening to her can help. "I'm tired of driving two hours to see a doctor that can't help, I'm tired of wasting all my pee on tests that I just fail, I'm tired of getting my hopes up, I'm tired of crying...I'm just tired of this whole ordeal." From the corner of my eye, I see her bury her face in her hands and take a deep breath. "I'm ready to just give up." She says, her speech muffled by her hands.

"But this time is different." I don't want to begin to make a list of things I'm tired of doing. Well me? I'm tired of seeing her cry every month, I'm tired of having to comfort her when she loses her mind over it, I'm tired of having to push my own feelings aside just to be strong for her and I'm tired of watching her fail the tests too. Truth is, this whole baby thing is taking it's own toll on me. She needs me to be strong for her so I don't really show it around her, but there have been a few times since we've started trying where I have to lock myself in the bathroom and pretend that I'm taking a crap so I can have a private place to cry myself. I want a kid just as much as she does. "We're actually gonna get something to help today. This time isn't like the last two times where all we get is a book and things that MIGHT help us. We're actually gonna leave the office with medicine to help today. This time is different. So don't say that you're ready to give up, babe. Just be positive one more time for me."

"And what if this time doesn't work?" She takes her hands away from her face and looks over at me. "What if this doesn't work either? Then what do we do?" Since traffic is at a standstill at the moment, I have a free second to turn and look at her. She has loose tears streaming down her cheeks and her shoulders are slouched. "And don't say that we can adopt...you know how I feel about that."

"Why are you so against adopting though, babe? There's nothing wrong with adopting a baby. You know how many kids there are in the world that are in need of a good home? We'd be good parents. There's nothing wrong with adopting a baby, Jo. Why are you so against it?"

She sighs. "I'm not saying that there is something wrong with it. I mean obviously there's nothing bad about giving a baby a good home but you know how I feel about that, Alex." She looks out the window again. "I just don't want a baby growing up with us, feeling like it never belonged. I know what it's like to feel that way and it doesn't feel good. You always feel like you don't belong with that family and you constantly question yourself about how much they love you. You always just wonder...if they would love you more if you were actually their biological child. It hurts and it feels horrible and I don't ever want a baby of ours to feel that way. Adoption is such a big part of me and my life and who I am and I think it's absolutely wonderful. But it's not something that I want to subject a child of mine to." She explains. "And I just want a baby that's part of me and you..."

She did tell me that she felt that way about adoption but I never really thought she was serious. When I first suggested adoption, it was right after she failed the fourth or fifth pregnancy test she ever took. She was very upset when I suggested it and she told me the exact same thing then as she just told me now. I originally thought that she was just upset and the grief was speaking but I see now that she was very serious. I just assumed that adoption would be something she would be all for, considering the fact that she herself was adopted. She's totally against it, for her own reasons. I think the night I suggested adoption was the worst breakdown Jo's ever had over this, which is why I didn't think she was serious when she first told me how she felt about adoption. I didn't know how to calm her down that night.

"_I can't look at it...you look at it." She hands me the urine-christened stick face down so the results aren't facing us. She's so giddy and excited for the results and I think it's because we actually did it this time. She's been throwing up in the mornings this week, she looked at the ovulation calendar yesterday and saw that she was ovulating around one of the times we had sex last month, she's had a headache for the last two days and she's been peeing an awful lot all day today. We did it this time..that's why she's so happy and excited to see the results. I take the test out of her hand and turn it over to read it. I can't believe we did it this time. I'm going to be a dad! An actual DAD. I'm going to change diapers, warm bottles, clean up puke...and I've never been so excited in my life. Not even when I was five years old and it was Christmas morning was I ever this excited. _

_I put aside the extreme excitement rocketing my body and look down at the results of the test. Clear as day, in the little gray box that displays the results, are two words instead of the one I was expecting. There's no mistaking it. It's very vividly displaying, "NOT PREGNANT". Damn. Really? I thought we had it this time. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and I have to fight off a couple tears that are threatening to fall. If I start crying then Jo's never going to get through this. I'll have my moment later in the shower or something like that. I gotta keep it together for her. "Babe..." As soon as I start speaking, her face drops. I think she can hear it in my voice._

"_No..." She shakes her head and walks over to me with her hand out so I can give her the test. It's as if she doesn't believe me and she wants to see the results herself. "No, no, no, no." She snatches the test out of my hand and looks at it. When she sees the results, her face falls and I can tell that for a split second, she tried to keep it together but it's not long before she just decides to let it all go. "I have to..." She puts the test down on the sink and holds onto the counter for support. "No... I thought..."_

"_I know...me too." I grab onto her hand to pull her over towards me but she stiffens up to make it hard. "Hey...come here." See, this is why I have to keep myself together for her. If I lose it, Jo won't EVER get through this. "Come here, it's okay...it's okay." I pull her harder and eventually, she falls into my arms. "Jo, it's fine. It's fine. We're gonna try again...it's fine."_

"_But why?" Her face gets buried deep in my chest and her arms wrap around my waist. My shirt is automatically soaking wet and she's shaking like a shivering wet dog. I rub her back. She hasn't made a noise yet which is bad. Usually when Jo starts crying as hard as she is right now, she won't make noises until she catches her breath...and then when she catches her breath, it's horrible. Her body goes limp in my arms and I have to squeeze her to secure her. When her body gets weak is when the noises start. I've never heard these crying moans from Jo before. _

"_It's alright..." I steady myself on my feet and bend my knees slightly so I can pick her up. I grab her underneath her legs and hoist her up into my arms. "It's alright." I secure one arm under her legs where they fold and another harm behind her back. She keeps her face smashed into my shirt and she's just bawling. "It's okay...It's okay." I whisper in her ear while I walk her to our living room. I sit down on the couch with her still in my arms. "...Love you."_

"_I don't get it..." Her voice is shaky and cracking all over the place. "Why is it so...hard?" Her jaw is trembling and she's still shaking. I wad my shirt up and wipe her face off with it. "It shouldn't be this hard!" She screams into my chest. "It's so easy for some people...for people that don't deserve it...and for us, it's so hard..." She sniffs. "I just want a baby..."_

"_We'll have one." I stroke her hair and pick a corner of the living room to stare at. I learned when I was very young that if you either stare at something or inflict pain on yourself that the urge to cry will go away..and I'm having a little more than the urge to cry right now. It's the overwhelming NEED to cry that's come over me. But I can't cry with Jo lying on my chest. I gotta be strong for her. I rub her arms because I know that rubbing her arms usually calms her down. Damn though. I really thought we had it this time. I really thought that this was it. Jo told me the other day that she felt like the universe is punishing us for something, because there's no way that we can have sex fifty times a month and not be able to conceive a baby. I think she's right about the fifty times a month thing...but I don't possibly know what we can be being punished for. _

_We have so much sex that it's starting to become a chore. Of course I still enjoy the hell out of having sex with Jo but it's really starting to lose it's meaning because of how much we do it. There are days when as soon as Jo walks through the door from work, she's out of her clothes and we're in the bed. There are days when we'll have sex, eat dinner, have sex again, take showers, have sex IN the shower and then have more sex before we go to bed. Sometimes it's enjoyable but other times, it's boring. The enjoyable stuff is when we just do it like we usually do—rough, fast-paced, crazy positions, oral included. But the boring stuff is what Jo refers to as "baby-making sex". That kind of sex usually requires me being on top for half an hour and Jo lying with a pillow under her butt so we can get the right angle. Or sometimes, she'll lie on her stomach with a pillow under her and we'll do it like that because according to the book the doctor gave us, that's a good angle for conception. _

"_We're gonna get our baby." I lean down and kiss her forehead. "I promise we'll get our baby." I don't make promises I can't keep, and I DO promise Jo that we'll have our baby. I don't care what I have to do to get her a baby, but I'm going to make sure she gets pregnant and has our baby. It's going to happen. "We'll just keep trying..."_

And so we did keep trying. We kept trying for eight months after that. It's been a long road for us and I completely understand why Jo would be tired of all the disappointment. I'm tired for her. But we can't give up. We have to at least try fertility treatments before we give up. "If the medication doesn't work then we'll reconsider our options. But we haven't even tried the medication yet."

"I already know it's not gonna work." She lazily shrugs her shoulders and rolls down her window a little bit. "Can't get pregnant if I barely have any eggs to begin with." She looks out the window yet again to avoid making eye contact with me. "...Why don't we just get another dog? Give Vader a brother or a sister..."

"Stop being so pessimistic." I nudge her with my elbow. "If you keep thinking that way then no, we're not going to have a baby. You have to be optimistic, Jo."

"It's not pessimism...it's realism. I just basically already know the odds. I went through med school, Alex. I know all about this stuff. They're gonna give me these drugs that are supposed to make me ovulate but nevermind the fact that I have a low egg count anyway. It probably won't work so we should start thinking of names to name our new dog." She puts her tongue in her cheek and it's completely silent between the two of us. It's rather strange for me to see Jo be the realist in our relationship while I'm being the dreamer. For the five years we've been together, it's always been the other way around. But this last year of getting her hopes up, taking pregnancy tests, being let down...well this year has really taken a lot out of Jo. She doesn't dream much anymore and she's been quite the realist in our relationship. It's actually sad to see the way this having a baby thing has changed her. "...Alex?" She breaks the silence between us. "Would you have...married me if you knew? If you um...knew that I really wasn't going to be able to give you a baby of your own...would you have still married me? You can be honest...I'll understand."

"Are you serious?" I raise my eyebrow and contemplate pulling over on the highway again. That has to be the stupidest thing that she's ever asked me and that's saying an awful lot because in the five years that Jo and I have been together, she's asked me some pretty dumb questions before. "Of course I would've married you. Jo, I didn't marry you because I want to have kids with you. I married you because I want to be with YOU. I don't care if we never have kids. I don't care if it's just me and you for the rest of our lives, as long as I have you. I want to be with you, Jo. You. We don't have to have kids. That's not something that would've been a deciding point in our relationship."

"But you want a baby? Right?" She licks her lips. "You want a baby and I can't give you one..."

"You're missing the point here, babe." I take one hand off the steering wheel and smuggle my free hand underneath hers to hold it. "I don't just want a baby. It's not that I want a baby in my life. I don't just want any baby. I want to be a father to OUR children. I want kids with YOU. Not some random girl. The only way I want to be a father is if it's to a baby that YOU have. I don't want anyone else to have my baby. So if you don't have my baby then I'm just not having kids. And that's fine with me. Don't make this into what you can't give me Jo because it's something that I can live without. If we can't have a baby, I'm not going to go out and find someone else that can. You hear me?"

"But if we did have a baby then you'd love it, wouldn't you? Like...you do want to have a baby. You do want us to get pregnant...and and it's not just me that's upset over this, is it? Because that would really suck..." She sniffs and it's not until then that I realize she's crying. "I don't want you to be going through this with me when it's not even something that you want. I don't want you to feel like we have to have a baby because I want one. I want us to want to have a baby together. I want you to want to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. Please don't be doing this just because I want to."

"Jo, I'm just like you. I'm exactly like you." I didn't know how much this was eating away at her. I knew she wanted to have a baby and I knew she wanted to be a mother and I knew that having a family was something that was extremely important to her. But I didn't know how much she thought into it. I didn't know she thought that she was inadequate for me because she can't get pregnant, I didn't know that she thought that I didn't want it as much as she does. Looks like I have to tell her a few secrets I've been keeping throughout this whole thing. "Every month when you run to the bathroom to take a test, I get my hopes up so high. I don't want to show it around you because you get your hopes up enough for the both of us. But I do. I get so excited and I try to convince myself that this time is it. And then when it comes up negative, I'm crushed. Just like you, I'm crushed. But I stay strong for you because I know that if I broke down right along with you, you'd never get over it. And it's my job to be your rock, Jo. It's my job to make sure you bounce back, my job to make sure you're okay...even when I'm not. I want those tests to be positive just as much as you do and when they aren't, I cry too. So no, babe. You're not doing this just because you want to. I want to have a baby too. But if we don't...then I'm just grateful that I still get to be with you."

"I'm gonna need you to keep being strong." She mumbles. "Because if this doesn't work...I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"If it doesn't work, then we still have other things we could try. There are a bunch of fertility treatments. I know you don't want to get science-fiction with it but we can do that thing where they take the egg out of you and do it in a dish then put it back. And there's that thing where they could just take my...contribution and manually put it in you. There are ways, Jo. If you just swallow your pride. We WILL have a baby of our own. Eventually, it will happen."

"Yeah but Alex, you know how much that stuff costs?"

"I don't care how much it costs, Jo. Don't worry about that. Worry about what we're going to name our baby when we have it." I mean that, too. I don't care how much it's going to cost for us to have our own baby. Jo wants a baby so badly and no matter how much it costs, I'M going to get her a baby. I'm GOING to make this woman a mother, even if it breaks my deep pockets. I'm going to make her a mom, I'm going to be the best dad in the world and we're going to live happily ever after. I don't care how much it costs. "Huh? You have any names in mind?"

"I don't want to talk about that." She shakes her head. "It gets me excited when I even think about it so I can only imagine what talking about it will be like. I don't want to talk about it. Just know that I think about it every freaking day."

"Come on...just tell me one." I keep prying and eventually, I get a smile out of her. "I have a couple of my own that I like. Just tell me one." With a smile still on her face, she shakes her head. "It's okay to talk about it babe. It's gonna happen." She keeps shaking her head. "Jo, seriously. It's going to happen. We're going to have a baby...it's just a matter of when. So it's okay to tell me a name. I just want to hear one of the ones you're thinking about. I'll tell you one of mine if you tell me one of yours." She keeps tight-lipped. "...I like Lyla." I start off by telling her one of the names I've been thinking about. "It could be L-Y-L-A or L-I-L-A, whichever you like better. But I've been thinking...and I like Lyla for a girl."

"Lyla's pretty." She agrees with me. "I'd spell it with a Y though." She smiles.

"Well? You gonna tell me one of yours?" I ask.

"...Alexander Michael Karev." She looks straight.

"What? I told you one of mine...it's only fair if you tell me one of yours." I reason with her but reasoning with Jo is pointless sometimes because once she has her mind made up, it's hard to get her to change it. "It's only fair if you tell me one of yours."

"I did." She looks over at me. "I told you one of mine. For a boy."

"...No." I'm firm with that. "We're not naming our kid that. I don't want a Jr. How many times do I have to tell you that we're not naming our kid Alex Jr.?"

"I like it! We can have a little Alex...baby Alex. I like it. Why don't you? Little Alex..." She keeps trying it out. "I can see myself having my big Alex and my little Alex. I like your name. _Alexander. _Alex Michael. I love it."

"I don't want an Alex Jr."

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"What are you doing when we get home?" I lean over on the couch that the two of us are sharing and pick out a piece of lint from his hair. When the lint is gone, I smooth his wavy hair back down on the side and stare at his countenance. He's so perfect, with his squared away jaw, his stubble and his long eyelashes. His hair is all fluffy and thick again because I threatened his life if he ever cut it again. He gets it trimmed but ever since I threatened him a few years ago, he's never shaved it again. I just wanna kiss him. "Are you writing?" I stick my finger in his ear and clean out a little bit of wax he has in there with my fingernail. He shies away from me when I twist my fingernail in his ear canal and glares at me with the look of death. He hates it when I pick with him but I love picking with him so much. "Your ear is filthy, baby...lemme clean it when we get home." I move on from his ear to his chin, which is home to a nice, red pimple. I run my thumb over the pimple to see if it's ready to pop. "Alex? Do you hear me talking to you?" I scoot closer so I have the right reach to pop his pimple.

"I hear you, Jo." He mumbles, clearly annoyed with me messing with him while we're in here waiting for the doctor to come in with the results of my blood test. She drew some blood from my lower stomach/upper vaginal area to see if she can get an accurate read of my current egg count without having to put me to sleep and put a probe up my crotch. If there's not an accurate read from the blood test, I'm going to have to go back to the surgical room and be put to sleep while she does an internal read. She just needs to know how many—if any—eggs I have in my ovaries so she knows how much of the injection drug to prescribe me, if it'll work for me. "And yeah...I'm writing tonight. I'm tryna have this book done by next month so it can be edited and on shelves by Christmas." He's been working on this book for four years now and it's still not done. And he still won't tell me what it's about and the title of it. The only thing he will tell me is that it's going to be his very first non science-fiction book. It's realistic fiction and it's romance. "Leave my pimple alone." He mumbles and throws an elbow back at me.

"Stop...it's white and it's ready to be popped. Lemme pop it. I'm not gonna let my husband walk around with a pizza face." I squeeze it and he flinches away. "Quit flinching...it didn't hurt." I squeeze it harder and it pops but it starts bleeding too. "Eww...it's bleeding." I press my thumb against the blood to get it to clot and stop. "You check your um...fan mail thing lately? Or Michael Evans' Facebook? People excited?" I take my thumb away to see if it stopped bleeding and once I see that it did, I wipe the blood from my thumb off on my jeans and put my head against his shoulder. "I'm excited...I'm gonna buy it."

"You can have a free copy, you goofball. I'm sure Michael Evans wouldn't mind giving you a free copy." He lets me lay on his arm but he doesn't cuddle back or anything. He's too annoyed with my picking with his pimple and his ear to cuddle back. That's one thing I really love about Alex. Even when he's annoyed with me, he still lets me pick with him and annoy him even further. He never even says anything to me about it. "I've been checking the mail and stuff...same old thing. People wondering when to expect it...asking for a title release."

"Oh yeah?" I look up at the underside of his chin from where on his arm I'm laying and watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. "You can give them a preview...or something. After all, they _are _your fans." I reach up and put my hand on his Adam's apple. His neck is stubbly too. My baby needs to shave. But I've noticed that about Alex. When he's deep into parts of his book, he won't shave. He spends so much time on his computer that he won't take 20 minutes out of his day and shave regularly. He looks like a caveman while he's writing action parts of his book. I shaved his face once. I brought the shaving cream, a towel, the razor, the aftershave and a bowl of hot water down to his office and shaved his face for him. He was so pissed. He shut his laptop and bitched at me the entire time but I was tired of him itching me while we kissed. But the night he was giving me head when we were having sex, all I felt was his itchy ass beard dragging all over my inner thighs and that was the last straw. "You need to shave, baby."

"It's on my to do list." He mumbles.

I nod and wrap my arms around his big, muscular arm. Funny, he won't shave while he's writing a book but he still finds time to go to the gym. His arms are so incredibly big. I thought his legs were huge when I saw him get out of the shower last night but he wore a muscle shirt today and his arms are freaking enormous. I love them though. I love when he holds me with those arms. I feel so safe. I can entertain myself for hours imagining someone as big and burly as Alex holding a tiny little baby. If we actually do come out of this with a baby, I can't wait to see what he looks like holding him or her. A tiny little baby in his big arms...can you imagine that? "Have you talked to your mom lately?"

"Yeah, last night." He starts impatiently tapping his foot. _He talked to her last night? Oh god, I hope he didn't- _"I didn't tell her about yesterday." He read my mind, it seems. He assures me that he didn't tell her and I can breathe a sigh of relief now. "I didn't think you'd want me to, so I didn't. I know how she gets and I know how you get so I just didn't say anything about it."

"Thanks. That would've sucked if you did. I don't feel like talking about it anymore, especially with her." I admit. "I love your mom and all that good stuff but sometimes, I just can't take her. The last time I told her about it, she pissed me off. She started telling me about how we needed to try more and how how I needed to eat this and drink that and how we needed to stop bullshitting and take drugs and how you needed to make sure you were doing it deep enough and stuff. She pissed me off. Like we've literally tried EVERYTHING and she was acting like she knew everything and how she could fix it. It was irritating." I sigh. "So I just stopped telling her. I figure, the next time I'll talk to your mom about our sex life and our pregnancy stuff is when I'm telling her that I'm ACTUALLY pregnant."

"Yeah, you know how mom gets. She just wants to be involved in everything. She doesn't really mean any harm or whatever, but yeah...she gets annoying. She just wants to be involved with every little thing we do." He shakes his arm to get me off of him, so I do. I get off his arm and sit up. He reaches in his pocket and takes his phone out and when he puts his arm back down, I replace my head and he doesn't seem to mind. I watch as he unlocks his phone and goes immediately to his Facebook app. I wish he'd change his wallpaper on his phone. It's been the same picture for years. Steph took it for us. It's of me and him at my medical school graduation, right after he proposed. I'm holding my cap on my head, smiling so wide, though I just got done crying and he's kissing my cheek. His Facebook picture has been the same for a while too. It's of me and him on our wedding day, after the dude said "you may now kiss the bride." The photographer that Alex hired to take pictures at our wedding was great. She took beautiful pictures and the one of us kissing is one of my favorites. We actually had it edited, printed and framed. It's in black and white and it's hanging above one of the lamps in our living room. Damn, our wedding was such an incredible day...

"_Jo, I love this color on you." For the millionth time since I've been sitting at this table talking to Steph and her niece Kiley, Steph's mom compliments me on the color of my dress. I just smile and act like I'm flattered when in reality, I'm sort of annoyed. She must really like the color of my dress to say it so many times. "It's girly...but not too girly. Pink, but not too pink...it's perfect with your skin tone." She reaches out and touches a curl resting in the middle of my back. "Sharon did a real nice job on your hair too." Sharon is Steph's aunt and the one that did my hair. "You're such a pretty girl, Jo. Such a pretty girl."_

"_Thank you." Call me strange, but I feel pretty today...which is kind of a big deal. I don't necessarily look as princessy as I imagined I would look back when I was 23 and had a princess wedding in mind, but I look and feel like a princess in my own way. Me, Helen and Steph picked out my dress at David's Bridal. I was originally looking for a light purple dress or a navy blue dress...something that Alex could've worn a black tuxedo for because he specifically asked for a black tux. But we walked to the white dress section just for fun and I saw this dress. I wasn't looking for a pink dress at all. But I saw this dress and it was all over from there. It was pink...but such a light colored pink that it could be mistaken for white if you look at it in the right light. It's plain but I wanted it to be plain...I'm not really a blingy kind of girl. It's plain on the top and strapless but around my waist is a sparkly band with silver crystals on it. There are a little bit of crystals on the top but not much. The bottom is ruffly and in the ruffles are small crystals. I knew when I saw it that this was my dress. It's blingy but not too flashy. It's plain but not too plain. It's pink but not too pink. It's perfect. _

"_I can't believe you're married." Steph holds a forkful of cake next to Kiley's mouth, boasting a pretty silver ring on her ring finger. She's engaged to her boyfriend Bryce and we always joked that she and Bryce would get married before Alex and I did, because Alex is slow with everything. "My little Jo, all grown up." She pinches my cheek. "Now all we gotta do is get Shane married." She motions with her head over to Shane, who's sitting with his longtime girlfriend Katie. They've been together for like two years or something like that. _

"_Yeah right. Shane's never getting married." I laugh. "...But I know." I sigh, dreamily. "I can't believe I'm married either. And you know what, Steph? It feels...right. Like when I said 'I do'...it felt like the most right thing I've ever done in my life. I feel like for once in my life, I did something right. It feels so good." I turn my head and look over at Alex, who's sitting at the table we ate dinner at, talking to Amber. He was a little hesitant to wear his white tux because "white's not his color" but I think it turned out quite alright. The white looks so good on him and we took a swatch of my dress to match his tie. My baby always looks like a million bucks but right now, he looks AMAZING. I can't help but smile looking at him...he's my future. "When you and Bryce get married, you'll know what I mean...it's just a feeling." Alex looks up from Amber and immediately notices that I'm looking at him. It's mighty crazy how we can be in a room full of people and we can just naturally find each other. When our eyes meet from across the room, I get these butterflies in my stomach...the same butterflies that made me throw up the very first time he kissed me in the hotel. "I love you." I mouth to him._

_He blows a kiss to me from across the room and mouths, "I love you too". Marrying Alex is the best thing I've ever done with my life. God, I can't wait to start my life with him. When I look at him, I see everything that my life has been for the last five years I've spent with him. When I look at him, I'm just taken back to everything. Back to the smelly hardware store I worked in that he owned, back to my horrible apartment that burned down. Back to all the hotels we stayed in, back to the hotel room we tore up...two in the morning riding in his car and all I needed was him next to me. Back to the time we had our first fight and we slammed doors and I made him talk to me while he was peeing. And now, back to the time when we walked down the aisle and his whole family came and his mom cried... I see everything in this man. I can't wait until I see him rocking our babies on our front porch with Vader sitting next to us. And when I'm 80, he'll be 87 and I'll still see my entire life and my entire future in this man._

I guess I can live without having his babies. If we never get the chance to have a baby of our own, I guess that wouldn't be that bad. It would still be just me and him and we would be together. Without a baby to worry about, we could travel the world and see go on adventures together. We could just spend our lives together and I guess that wouldn't be horrible. Maybe we don't need to have babies. Maybe we don't need to be parents. As long as we stay together, I guess we don't need to have children. At least we can say that we tried though. We can be happy together without children. I'll never get tired of waking up to his face in the morning, that's for sure. So if these drug treatments don't work...then I guess it wouldn't be that bad. It was always my dream to become a mother and have the family I never had...with a mom that supports you and a dad that coaches the soccer team. I always wanted to do that. But as long as I have Alex...settling for just him isn't so bad.

I take myself out of my daydream and tune back in to what he's doing. I take a deep breath and when I inhale the scent of bandages and paint, I remember that we're in the doctor's office. My head is still on Alex's arm and he's still lazily scrolling through his Facebook feed. It's quiet in this room but it's not an awkward silence. It's a soothing silence...the kind of silence we're going to need in order to prepare ourselves for what's probably going to be bad news for us. The first time we saw this doctor was to find out what's wrong with me. Back when I was a teenager, my gynecologist then told me that I have very weird ovulation habits. I didn't know then what that was going to mean to me but I wish I had grasped that concept as a little girl. If I had gotten it through my head then, maybe the heartache wouldn't be so bad now. But when we first came to this doctor, we waited in this same room for the same doctor and got bad news. She came in and she told us that we can try the natural way to get pregnant but there's only a 30% chance that it would happen. She told me that I have something called Low Ovarian Reserve and my egg count is severely low...and that I don't ovulate. It just doesn't happen for me. We got bad news the first time we were in this room...it's only fitting that we get bad news this time too.

"Alex?" I mumble his name while I'm staring at a stain in the carpet. He just mumbles a "huh?", acting like he's too busy or too preoccupied to really talk to me. He probably thinks I'm going to annoy him or pick at another pimple or something. "If this doesn't work..." I clear my throat so my voice isn't so groggy. "I don't wanna try anything else. I don't wanna force something that's not meant to be. So if this doesn't work...can we be done?"

He stops scrolling through his Facebook. "...Yeah, babe. We can be done." As soon as he finishes that last sentence, the door opens up and the doctor walks in...


	63. This Is It

"_You may now kiss the bride." After what seems like an eternity of talking, repeating after him, reciting vows and shoving rings on fingers, the minister finally tells me that I can kiss my bride. Jo smiles at me, showing off her pearly white teeth. I hold my hand out so she can take it and she does. She steps to me and my hand cradles her cheek. She tilts her head to the side and I tilt mine to the other and we lean in to kiss each other. Once our lips finally meet, the entire audience bursts into thunderous applause and I feel Jo's lips stretch as she cracks a smile through the kiss. My hand is still on her cheek while her hands are on my shoulders. As of right now, there is nobody on this planet that is a happier man than I am at this very moment. Jo's lips glide under mine with smooth ease and I feel the same sparks now as I felt the very first time I ever kissed this woman. We pull out of the kiss and we open our eyes at the exact same time._

_It feels official now. This morning, when my mom's husband was helping me put my tux on and stuff, it didn't really hit me that I was about to get married. When I was put on the altar standing next to Greg and my stepfather as my best men, it still didn't feel like I was getting married. Then I saw Amber, Stephanie and Stephanie's niece walking down the aisle and it started to become clear. But the second I saw Jo walking down that aisle holding onto my mom's arm, it hit me. It hit me that I was about to marry the love of my life. That me—a man that never even considered the possibility of settling down—was about to commit my life to this one woman. All the history of me cheating on every girlfriend I ever had, me being hung up on Lucy...everything I ever did wrong in my life just went away when I saw her walking down that aisle in that pink dress. And now, after kissing her, it feels official. I'm officially married and Jo is officially Mrs. Karev...and I've never been so happy in my entire life. _

_I sweep a loose curl back away from Jo's face and stare at her, trying to figure out what to say because "I love you" isn't strong enough for how I'm feeling about her right now. She..._

My eyes snap open and my dream is interrupted at the sound of something being slammed. I sigh and rub my eyes because I know that I won't be able to go back to sleep and pick up on the dream I was just having, even though I really want to. One of my favorite things to dream about is me and Jo's wedding day. I always wake up in a good mood after dreaming about it because it was such an incredible day. Once my vision comes into focus, I turn my head and look over at the clock on the nightstand next to our bed. It reads 7:02 in the morning. There's an empty space in the bed next to me which is kind of upsetting. I forgot Jo has to work today and I wish she didn't because I kind of just want to spend the day with her. I miss her when she's at work. I reach over to the empty space in the bed and feel that it's still warm, which means she didn't get up too long ago. I pull the covers away from me and sit up, putting my feet down on the carpet. Since it's dark in the room due to the fact that it's only 7:00 in the morning, I have to squint to make out the blob in the corner next to the TV. It's Vader, sleeping with his paws in the air.

I stand up, stretch my arms out, yawn and walk over to the door. As soon as I step out into the hallway, I hear water running from inside the bathroom. I turn the corner and wait in the doorway of the bathroom. Jo's in a t-shirt and a pair of underwear, bending over to rinse her mouth out. I walk all the way into the bathroom and brush past her so I can go pee. She stands up straight and looks over at me as I start pulling my boxers down. "Morning." She wipes her mouth off with her towel and shuts off the water. "You sleep well?" She leans against the sink and starts jamming a cotton swab in and out of her ear. I hope she doesn't force me into letting her clean my ears. She cleaned them for me two weeks ago after we came home from the fertility doctor. I yawn again and pull my boxers down just enough to take my junk out so I can pee. "...Were you having a nice dream?" She glances down at my junk then smirks. "Or are you just happy to see me?"

"Shut up." I mumble and hold it downwards to the toilet so I can pee. "I told you..." I'm done so I shake it. "It gets hard sometimes when I have to pee." There's been a couple times since me and Jo have been together that she's woken up before me and caught me with an erection in my sleep. I tried to tell her that it's just "morning wood" and it happens when I have to pee during the night but she's always teasing me about having dirty dreams. She knows that it's embarrassing when she catches me like that and she insists on humiliating me. She lives for busting my balls about stuff. There was one time, however, that she woke up before me and saw that I had a stiffie. She woke me up that morning with a blow job and I swear I've never been more in love with Jo than when she did that. Having a wife like Jo has it's perks. She gets on my nerves when she picks with me and when she nags me about shaving and stuff but at the same time, she wakes me up with Bjs and it's awesome.

"It's okay if you were having wet dreams...I won't judge you." She tosses her dirtied cotton swab into the trashcan and wraps her arms around my waist. "Wouldn't be the first time I caught you pitching a tent in the bed." She shoves her hands up my shirt and plays with my happy trail. She's so picky and annoying but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't love it. Since she's playing with my happy trail, I lift her shirt up a little put both my hands on her butt. She starts pulling my happy trail hair so I squeeze her butt real hard. "OWW, YOU FUCKER!" She taps my stomach and laughs. Five years with Jo and I'm still not used to hearing her say foul words. I'm the swearer out of the two of us. I slap her butt for hitting me and sticks her tongue out at me. "What are you doing up, though? It's early for you." She takes her hands out of my shirt and puts them on my neck. "Are you having a hard time sleeping?" She strokes the back of my head and kisses my neck.

"Nah. I just heard you in here and I had to pee, so..." I take my hands off her butt and wrap them around her waist. I pick her up and sit her down on top of the sink. She starts messing with my stubble and I just let her, preparing myself to listen to her nag me to death about the fact that I need to shave. I can hear her now, saying "I told you to shave two weeks ago. How many times am I gonna have to tell you?" She pinches my jaw and forces me to kiss her lips. "What time you get off tonight?" I keep my hands on her lower back as I'm standing in front of her. She pulls me closer so she can put her head against my chest. I'm not much of a cuddler at all but Jo forces me to be one. "You get off at 6:30?" She nods her head and hugs me with her head on my chest. "I'll cook dinner tonight. You want chicken or steak?" Chicken and steak are the only things I know how to cook.

"A steak sounds nice." Her face is buried in my bare chest and I feel her spit in the middle of my pecks while she talks. "There's a pack of four steaks in the freezer. Open it, take two out, defrost them and there's some marinade in the cupboard. Marinate them for at least two hours before you cook 'em." She puts her forehead against my chest and pokes her lips out to kiss it. "...Vader pooped in the dining room. I cleaned it up but he was sleeping so I didn't wake him. Make sure you set him outside. It's supposed to be nice so he can stay out in the yard for a while today." She pushes me away and I do as she says and back away. She hops down off the sink and walks over to the cupboard where we keep all of our medical supplies. She takes out the white and blue box that's been in there for two weeks and opens it up. We've been doing this every day, twice a day for the last two weeks and I'm still not used to it. She takes out the small bottle of clear liquid and one of the syringes.

"Here babe, let me..." I spring into action and take the bottle and the syringe off of her. Just like I was taught, I poke the needle end into the bottle and suck up the clear liquid until it reaches the number "10 mg". Jo lifts up her shirt and pulls her underwear down a little bit. I pinch some of her skin and kneel down so I'm eye-level with the back part of her hip. "You ready?" She nods her head. Jo stays on top of the drugs like clockwork. She injects them at the same time every day and she's all over it. Sometimes, when she takes the nighttime cycle, she'll bring it to me and she'll ask me to do it for her because I can see the injection spot better. "Alright one..two..." I shove the needle in her skin and she flinches away from me. "I'm sorry, babe." I push the hormones into her body and slowly take the needle out. I hate hurting her. This has got to work because I haven't spent two weeks stabbing my wife in the ass for no reason.

"That one really hurt for some reason." She pulls her pants back up and puts her shirt down. Her eyebrows are contorted and she's biting her lip so I know that one must've hurt her. She takes a breath and shakes it off. "But um..." She turns around and faces me. "I was up last night and I couldn't sleep...so I was reading something online and I read that...sometimes, some women don't need the full cycle. Sometimes women are only like a week deep into their treatment and they've had success rates with getting pregnant." I can hear it in her voice that she's getting hopeful. "So I was thinking that maybe we won't need the full cycle either. We've been going for two weeks and I was thinking that maybe this is enough." She bites her lip. "...And I still have a test. It's unused and unopened and it's just sitting there..."

"Jo, NO." I put my hands on her shoulders and squeeze. "Listen to me. NO. Don't you dare go taking a test. Don't you dare." She looks at me with those wide, hopeful brown eyes and I can see the desperation looking back at me. She's killing me. I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing her so upset and desperate. "We're going to do the full cycle. Don't you dare take a test, Jo. Don't you dare." If she takes a test and gets a negative result, she's going to be heartbroken and I don't want to see her break down. I want us to have the best chance at this and in order for us to have the best chance, we have to do the full cycle of injections. "Look babe, I know you're excited... I am too. But you don't need to get your hopes up for this. Not yet. It's only been two weeks."

"Yeah, but babe a lot of women reported success after the first two weeks. In fact, I read that if it doesn't work after the first two weeks then it probably won't work at all. And I have a really good feeling about it. I know...I know I say that a lot but really, Alex. I do." She holds my hands. "My stomach was hurting...remember last week when I told you that my stomach was hurting? Well I read online that sometimes when your egg drops, it can cause cramping. And I was cramping so bad last week. And then we had sex when I came home from work that day...I just really feel like I might be. Please, Alex?" She looks at me with those eyes. "My hopes aren't up...I swear they're not up. I'm just...I have a feeling."

"No." I shake my head and remain firm about this. "I'm not letting you take a test, Jo. Not yet. Just please wait out the full cycle. Babe, I believe you. I believe you about having the feeling and I believe you when you say that your hopes aren't up." I really don't believe her, by the way. She can tell me that her hopes aren't up but the way she's begging me and ranting about how she has this feeling and how she was cramping, I can tell that her hopes ARE up. "But just wait. You've had feelings before and you've cramped before and it was always nothing. I don't want to see you hurt. I really don't want to see you get hurt again. So just wait...wait, babe. Don't push it."

She bites her lip. "Okay." She looks clearly disappointed but I really don't care how disappointed she is. I'm just trying to protect her. I don't want to see her get hurt again, so she can be disappointed all she wants. I'm just trying to save her the heartache. "I'm gonna go get ready for work."

"Alright, babe."

**X X X **

"Yeah mom, if Jo can take off work we'll down for Thanksgiving." I scratch my growing beard as I think about how to phrase this paragraph. If I buckle down, I can have this book finished by tonight or tomorrow morning. I don't usually like to write when I'm talking to someone because I try to make it a point to give my full, undivided attention to writing but I know that this conversation with my mom can go on for hours. I don't have hours to give if I'm trying to have this book done soon so instead of taking a break for an hour or so to talk to my mom, I'll take my chances with writing while I'm talking to her. "She has to be able to take off though mom. I don't know if she'll be able to. She's not an intern anymore, she's a resident, which means missing days is critical for her. So we'll see. I'm not sure if she'll be able to take the days off of not. If she is, then we'll come." I start typing one of the last paragraphs in the epilogue.

"Well if you and Jo can't come down, we can always come to you." She suggests and I roll my eyes. She's so annoying for this. It's like she CAN'T be without seeing me and Jo for too long. It's like me and Jo aren't grown adults living our own lives. She's so hands-on. Me and Jo just flew over to see them in February. It's September now. "I'm sure Amber and Don wouldn't mind getting out of Kansas for a couple days. I can cook at you and Jo's house if that's easier." She's really pushing for this. "I just don't want you and Jo spending Thanksgiving alone again this year."

"Mom, we're not alone. We have each other." I take the phone away from my ear and put it down on my desk next to my laptop. I stick the phone on speaker just because it's easier. "It's not like me and Jo are gonna starve if you don't cook for us. We'll probably do the same thing this year as we did last year if we're not able to come to Kansas. I'll pop a chicken in the oven or something and when Jo gets home, we'll eat and then we'll go on about our day. It's just Thanksgiving mom."

"You and Jo should be with family though." She's so insistent on this. I don't mean to, but I end up sucking my teeth into the receiver, which, in turn, gives her an attitude. "You know what Alex, I'm not arguing with you over this. Damn. Every time I try to do something nice for you, you have to give me an attitude about it. I'm not arguing with you about this anymore. I just called in to see how my son is doing." She goes off on a minor tangent and I just sit back and listen. I deal with my mom and Jo the same way when they're bitching at me. I just sit back, listen and deal with it. Sometimes I'll get lucky and I'll be able to tune out the bitching. "Anyway." She tries hard to sound like she's over the fit she just pitched but I know better. My mom will still be stewing about this for days to come. "What are you doing right now? How's Jo?"

"I'm writing and Jo's at work." I give her a very short answer and I know that me being so short probably pissed her off but I guess I don't care.

"You still working on that same book?" She seems interested so I stop typing briefly and mumble "uh huh" into the receiver. "When are you going to be done with it? Me and Don are excited to finally read it. You sure you can't even sneak me a manuscript or a rough copy? You've been working on it for years, Ally. I bet it's gonna be good."

"If I won't even give my wife a copy, what makes you think I'm going to give you one?" I know I've probably been annoying everyone over the course of this book with how secretive I'm being with it but please believe that there's good reason behind it. This book isn't like the other science-fiction crap I've written over the years. This book is very near and dear to my heart and I want everyone to be surprised when it finally gets published. I have been working on this book for quite sometime and part of the reason why is because up until recently, I haven't been sure where exactly to end it. The problem with the story is that it's still going on. Something very specific influenced me to write this story and my inspiration hasn't ended yet. The story is still going on in my head and in my life and I haven't been able to decide where it should end. How do you end something that's still playing out? It was only just last week that I decided how and where to end the story. "You're just gonna have to wait and see mom...just like everybody else."

"Can you give me a little hint?" She pries, which makes me smirk. She's just like Jo. I can't tell you how many times Jo's tried to get out of me what the book is about. "Just tell me what it's about and why it's so secretive. Or at least tell me who you dedicated it to. You dedicated it to someone, right? Did you dedicate it to me? Your mother?"

I don't think she was trying to be funny but I laugh anyway because she's hilarious to think that I'd dedicate this book to her. It's the first book I've ever dedicated to ANYONE before and she thinks it's going to be dedicated to her? And it's not that I wouldn't ever dedicate a book to my mom though, because I would. I would dedicate a book to my mom in a heartbeat. It's just that...I never really did the dedication thing. I wasn't in to that and I always thought that authors that dedicate their books to people are soft. But I finally saw the light and this is going to be the first book I've ever written a dedication to and no offense, but it's most certainly not going to be dedicated to my mom. "I dedicated it to my wife, mom. I specifically wrote it for her so it's dedicated to her. She's the reason I even started writing again...so the book is for Jo."

"I can't even get mad at that." She laughs into the phone and I laugh right along with her. Don't tell my mom I said this, but...I kind of hope that Jo is able to take off work for a couple days on Thanksgiving. I do kind of miss my mom and Amber. But don't tell them I said that. "Yeah, so Ally, when are you and Jo going to give me a grandbaby? I'm 56...not getting any younger." I sigh and I guess she hears it because she starts damage control. "Are you guys still having troubles? I'm sorry, honey."

"Yeah." I stop typing again and run my hands through my hair. "We actually went to the specialist a couple weeks ago and they gave us um...this medicine that's supposed to help get things going. So we're trying that and we hope that this is gonna work. I'm pretty confident. I mean, it's not like the doctor said that Jo can't get pregnant, she just said that she needs help getting there. So we're gonna try the medicine and if that doesn't work then we don't know."

"Did they give her pills to take?" She asks.

"No, uh...injections. She has to take hormone injections twice a day for 12 weeks and the injections are supposed to...like...make an egg get ripe and mature and then eventually it'll drop. The doctor taught me how to give them to her. I gotta pinch some fat off her hip and give it to her in like...the back of her hip. It's hard to see her hurting but we're really trying, you know?"

She sucks her teeth out of pity rather than annoyance. "Poor Jo. It must be so hard on her. How are you holding up though, Ally? Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I nod my head as if she can see me. "It sucks but to me, it's whatever. It's more painful for me to see her cry the way she does every month. That's the hardest part for me. I'm just trying to be supportive and stuff but I can tell it's wearing her down. She's getting tired of it and I don't really blame her. I'm just here to support her so whatever she wants to do, I'll do. But she's getting tired and she told me that she wants this to be the last thing we try. If this doesn't work, she doesn't want to try anymore."

"I don't think you guys should limit yourselves to one method. There are other things that you could try like the invitro and adoption. You shouldn't limit yourselves to this and think that this is it if it doesn't happen. You're doing yourselves more harm than favors by doing that. You shouldn't give up and as her husband, you shouldn't let her give up. You know how badly Jo wants to be a mother and as a man, you shouldn't let her give up that easily."

Now I see why Jo didn't want to tell her. Now I see what she means by my mom pissing her off. "It's not really...easily, mom. We're not giving up easily. We've been trying for a year, ma. It's been a year...15 months exactly, of getting our hopes up and being let down. It's been 15 months of me having to hold Jo while she cries herself to sleep on my chest. You don't hear her when she cries. The crying she does after she fails yet another pregnancy test is something I hear in my nightmares. And I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces. Mom, there was one time when she was so depressed that she didn't eat for three days. I had to sit there and try to get my wife—my WIFE, mom—to eat because she wouldn't. I had to call her off work because she wouldn't get out of bed. I'm tired of watching my wife break down over this and it's been 15 LONG months of her breaking down. Jo's tired of trying and getting her heart broken and I don't blame her. Now as a man, I feel like it's my job to support her decision. And I support her wholeheartedly if she's tired of trying. We don't need a baby. We'll be perfectly fine without a baby. We have each other and if it's not meant for us to have a baby then we won't have a baby."

"I just want to see you and Jo be happy. That's all I want. If you guys are happy without a baby then hey...I'm happy for you. I'll always get my grandbaby from Amber if that's what it takes."

"I mean yeah...We'll be happy without a baby. We've been living this long without one, we can live forever without one." I think what sucks the most for me is that as soon as I was getting comfortable with the idea of being a dad, my hopes got crushed. During me and Jo's wedding, I was looking at her during our first slow dance and I thought about the life I wanted to share with her. I wanted to grow old with her and watch our babies grow up. And I couldn't wait to start trying to have a baby with her. But then this comes along. That's what sucks the most. Me, the guy that never thought he had a shot of getting married and starting a family, had finally settled with the idea of having children with Jo. And turns out that I can't. That's what sucks the most about this.

But I guess if it's meant to happen then it'll happen and if it's not meant to be then it's just not meant to be. I still get to spend the rest of my life with Jo and that's all that matters to me.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Baby..." I jog down the steps with my phone in my hand and my damp hair flinging all over the place. He's been in his office all night. I got home from work around 7:15 and as soon as I walked through the door, he was in his office typing away on that damned laptop. He already had the steaks for dinner done and waiting for me on the stove so all I had to do was make the biscuits, broccoli, baked potato and cheese. I finished dinner and brought it to him because whatever he's doing on that laptop must be pretty important. He hasn't even showered yet and it's going on 10:00 at night. He's literally been in his office ALL night. "Hey baby..." I jog to his office and stand at the door. He's sitting at his desk, busily typing away. I designed Alex's office myself. It's supposed to be a guest bedroom but I made it his office instead. The walls are lined with bookshelves and filling them are copies of his books and some of his favorite books. There's a stereo in it and a small flatscreen TV. I just wanted him to have a comfortable sanctuary to write in. The office was actually his 35th birthday present from me. He was spending all his time in the living room on the couch writing until I put his office together. "Can I come in?" I ask. Even though I made this place for him, it's still HIS place and I respect that. I always ask him if I can come in and I never want to disrupt his writing process if I can help it.

"Yeah, come on." He picks up a can of Mountain Dew and takes a sip. I walk into his office and sit down on his lap. He closes his laptop, which lets me know that he was working on his book. I used to really want to know what his book was about but I've learned that he's not going to tell me so I should just wait. It doesn't bother me when he shuts his laptop when I'm around anymore. "What do you need?" He offers me some Mountain Dew and I respectfully decline.

"I want to show you something." I unlock my phone and hold it so we can both look at it at the same time. "So I was on Peds rotation all day today... which means that I got to hang out with all the babies..." I pull up my photos and tap on the most recent one that I just took today. "Look at this little one. She's cute, isn't she?" I show him the picture of the little seven month old baby girl I treated today. "She's waiting for a kidney transplant. I got to change her fluids today and she was just smiling at me...look at her." I scroll to the left to show him more pictures of the sweet little baby girl I had the pleasure of taking care of today. She was so cute. She had the most flawless, chocolate brown skin and the curliest, kinkiest hair. Her eyes were big and brown and she was just adorable. "Her parents were super cool too. They like...didn't care that she was in critical condition. They were all about holding her and giving her her favorite baby food. She was the sweetest little thing."

"Yeah, she is a little cutie." He looks at the picture right along with me and cracks a smile. "That pacifier is bigger than her face." I laugh and nod my head. "Your job rocks. You get to hang out with kids all day and get paid for it? I'd love that." He pulls the phone closer to him so he can get a better look at Morgan, that was her name.

"You get to sit on your ass and get paid for it. I think YOUR job rocks." I lock my phone back up and put it away. "...So what are you working on? The epilogue?" He nods his head and kisses my elbow, since it's the only thing on his body that his face can reach since I'm sitting on his lap. "...Alrighty. I just wanted to show you the cutie I worked with today. I'll let you finish writing." I stand up from his lap and kiss his forehead. "I'll probably be asleep by the time you come upstairs. So make sure you lock the doors and stuff...and let Vader out one more time before you come up." He nods at me. "Love you." I say before I walk out the door and I don't wait for him to say it back. I don't need to hear Alex say that he loves me all the time. I already know he does. When I leave out of his office, I shut the door behind me and end up looking Vader right in his face. "...What, Vady?" I reach down and scratch between his ears. "You wanna come lie down with me?" He tilts his head to the side. I rub his ears and head for the steps again. I'm going to give myself my injection and then I'm going ot bed. I've had a long day and I have to work again tomorrow.

I go straight into the bathroom when I reach the top of the stairs and look inside the medicine cabinet. I snatch the box of gonadotropin off the top shelf and open it up so I can take it out. I'm so tired of stabbing myself. This had better work. I take one of the unused syringes out of the box and stick it inside the liquid to suck it up. Like it's nothing to me, I lift my shirt, pull my panties down a little and stab myself in the lower back with the needle. This really needs to work. I read online last night that if the treatment doesn't take within the first two to three weeks of beginning it, then 80% of the time it doesn't work at all. I toss the syringe away in the trashcan, but the liquid back in the box, close it up and put it back. As soon as I put it back in the medicine cabinet, I see the purple and pink First Response box...and the thing that's inside that box is calling my name. I know Alex said not to...but I have to. I have to. I HAVE to know.

So defiantly, I take the box and dump out the still wrapped pregnancy test into my hand. I pop it open and shut the door so Alex doesn't walk in and see me. I pull my pants down and sit down on the toilet with my hand holding the stick between my legs. I don't have to pee, but I squeeze out enough to cover the end of the stick. I shake it, recap it and put it on the sink. I swear I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm not expecting a positive result, I won't be upset if it's negative. I just wanna know if I am or not...that's all. No pressure. If I'm not then I'm not and if I am then that's amazing. But my hopes aren't up. I put the pregnancy test on the counter and wipe myself. I pull up my pants and anxiously pace back and forth for the three minutes it takes to get a result.

_My hopes aren't up. I'm not expecting a positive result. If I'm not pregnant, then that's okay. It's okay. I don't need to be pregnant. Me and Alex don't need a baby to be happy. It's okay. If I'm not pregnant, it's fine. No baby is okay. I don't need to be a mom. I don't need to be a mom. A baby won't make or break me and Alex. We don't need a baby to be happy. My hopes aren't up. I'm not expecting a positive result._

I bite my lips, take a deep, deep breath and pick up the pregnancy test. Usually, the three minute wait is the longest three minutes of my life. But as I look at the wall clock hanging above the toilet and see that it has been exactly three minutes since I pissed on the stick, I realize that this three minutes was the FASTEST three minutes of my entire life. _It's okay...It's okay. _I close my eyes hard and take another deep breath. I exhale and open my eyes. I look down at the test in my hands and in the gray results box, it says very clearly, "NOT PREGNANT." My knees go weak and I feel myself begin to fall, so I hold onto the sink to brace myself. I sit down on the floor and try to breathe because I can't right now. I know I said my hopes weren't up, but... I shake my head and look down at the ground. Tears stream out of my eyes. I hold my face in my hands and keep shaking my head. "Oh my god." I whisper to myself.

And all of a sudden, I can't breathe. I feel like my chest is tightening and my throat is closing. And I can't stop crying. He's gonna be so mad at me but I need him. He told me not to but I really need him right now. He's the only thing that makes me feel better. "...ALEX!" I scream for him louder than I've ever screamed in my life. "ALEX! ALEX! ALEX!" I put my hand over my heart and try to concentrate on breathing. I thought I was strong enough to handle the results but I'm not...I'm not. I'm not strong enough and it hurts so bad. "Alex..." As soon as the last syllable of his name leaves my lips, the bathroom door busts open and he's standing there.

"What? What's wrong, Jo?" He kneels down next to me. "What's the matter? What happened? What happened?" He sees that I'm clutching a pregnancy test in my right hand so he pulls it out of my hand, looks at the results quickly, tosses it away and sits next to me. "...It's okay, Jo." He forces me to lay my head on his chest and he cradles me, as if he can protect me from what's going on. "It's alright...it's okay. It's okay." I bury my face in his chest and I can't help myself...I cry. Hard, loud and obnoxiously. Like someone I loved just died and I'm inconsolable. "Shhhhh..." He strokes my hair and holds me. "...Shh." I love the fact that he's not saying "I told you so" though.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"It's okay..." I whisper in her ear as I carefully walk with her in my arms to our bedroom. I held her in my arms on that bathroom floor for half an hour while she cried herself to sleep. She's asleep but on the off chance that she can still hear me, I'm still going to reiterate to her that it's okay. I put her down on our bed and gently turn her body so I can pull the covers up over her body. Before I do though, I take her pajama pants off and toss them on the floor. I tuck the covers over her body and make sure her head is neatly on the pillow. I can see the stains of tears on her cheeks but she's sleeping and she's peaceful and that's all I care about. She cried so hard and so loud. When I heard her screaming my name from downstairs in my office, I thought that she was hurt or something like that. I told her not to take the damn test. She doesn't listen. But I'm not angry with her. No, I'm not angry. She was excited, she just wanted to know. And now I'm heartbroken for her. I kiss her cheek while she sleeps. "I love you so much." She moves around a little but stays asleep.

I exhale a deep breath and leave out of the bedroom. Now that she took a test and it came up negative, I don't think I'm going to be able to convince her to keep going with the treatments. I think it's going to be too hard for her to keep letting me stick her with a needle for no reason. I think that last pregnancy test was it. I think we're officially done trying for a baby. I close the door to our bedroom so Vader doesn't decide to hop in bed and cuddle with Jo and walk across the hall. I should probably go back down to my office and finish the epilogue but I need a minute. So I open up the only door in the house that is closed for a REASON and flick on the light. I look around at the smooth yellow paint job and the clean carpets. I swallow a lump that formed in the back of my throat, shut the door behind myself and sit down. There was supposed to be a crib right there...right next to the closet. And the changing table was supposed to be next to the window. Jo was going to put a rocking chair...there, right next to the crib. I was gonna put a bookcase on that empty wall over there.

I exhale another deep breath and cover my face with my hands as I think about all the wasted potential in this room.

And it's only a matter of seconds before my hands become wet with my own tears.


	64. Take Care

I open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling, making myself dizzy as my eyes follow the ceiling fan around and around and around. This is the absolute worst part about publishing a book. I submitted it to my publisher last month and I've been waiting ever since to hear something back. It's always a waiting process. I finished the book last month, submitted it three days after I finished it and now I'm waiting for the editors to fix things and get back to me when it gets the official "okay" to be published. It never takes any longer than a month and a half though, so I could be hearing back any day now. I rub my eyes and glance at the clock. I haven't been asleep for as long as I thought I've been. I got up this morning, ate a bowl of cereal, took Vader for a walk around the block, went to the gym with Greg and then I came home to shower and take a nap. I laid down to sleep at around 11:00 and it's only going on 12:00 noon. I pick myself up off the bed and get up. I've never been much of a napper so I'm not surprised that I wasn't able to take a good nap.

I scoop my phone up and unlock it. Jo's at work until 6:30 tonight so I'll be alone for quite sometime. Ever since I finished the book, I haven't had anything to do around the house while Jo's at work. For the last month, most of my days have been spent walking the dog, cleaning the house when it's already clean and working out at the gym. But since I failed at taking a nap and I'm incredibly bored without her, maybe I'll see if Jo's free for lunch. I dial her work number and hold the phone to my ear while it rings. One of the nurses picks it up. "Can you connect me to Jo Wilson, please?" I ask and the woman on the other end says, "certainly." I brace the phone to my ear with my shoulder and start making our bed while I wait for her to pick up the phone.

"This is Dr. Wilson." She answers the phone with her fake, preppy, I-don't-know-who-you-are kind of voice.

"Really? Bummer. I asked them to connect me to Dr. Karev. Not Dr. Wilson." I joke with her and she laughs. I love to hear Jo laugh because it's so precious these days. Actually, her laughing isn't so far and few between these days. We decided to stop trying to get pregnant last month and ever since we stopped trying, she's been a much lighter person. She's not so depressed and upset anymore. But I just remember how it was back when we were still trying to have a baby. Jo didn't laugh and smile much then. She mostly cried. So hearing her laugh is still a great feeling for me. "What are you doing, beautiful?"

"Hey sexy." She jokes right back with another little giggle. "Oh, but nothing." She sighs. "Just got out of watching a two hour bowel replacement. It was so gross but so awesome." I hear her clear her throat. "What are you doing? Why are you calling?"

"I just woke up from a nap. I took Vader for a walk then went to the gym with Greg, then came home and took a shower and a nap." I finished making our bed, so I hold the phone with my hand again. "Did you take your lunch yet?"

"No, I have these labs I have to send in and then I have to send these scans up to radiology. I won't have lunch for another 15 minutes, 20 minutes tops." I hear a beeping sound in the background which makes me wonder what she's doing. "Why?"

"You want company? I'll bring you some of that leftover chicken and vegetables in the fridge and we can have lunch together. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine baby. Bring me one of those brownies I put in the breadbox last night. I'm in the mood for chocolate and the only thing chocolate they have here is chocolate pudding that tastes like feet."

"Alright. I'll see you in 15-20 minutes. Love you." I mumble that last part.

"Love you too...bye." She hangs up the phone on her end and that's the end of the conversation. It wouldn't be the first time I brought Jo lunch and ate with her. Her coworkers think we're the cutest couple in the books. I brought her takeout from the Olive Garden once and everyone "aww"ed when I kissed her goodbye. I bring Jo lunch all the time and sometimes it's because I feel bad that she has to eat gross hospital food all day but the majority of the time it's because I miss her and want to see her face. Sometimes I can't go all day without seeing Jo.

I shut our bedroom door when I leave out of it and walk through the hallway when something catches my eye. For some reason, the door that we keep shut is open. Vader probably pushed it open with his paws, but in order for him to do that, the door would've had to been opened a little bit to begin with. We keep this door closed for a reason and the last time I can recall opening it was last month. Maybe Jo was in there messing around but I can't imagine why she'd go in there. If anything, Jo would be the LAST person to step foot in this room. Yet, the door is open and I sure as hell didn't open it. I push the door open though, and find that Vader is lying down in the middle of the floor. "Vade, come on." I hold the door open for him and look around, since I haven't been in this room in a month. It's a shame that this room is just collecting dust. I never thought that it would still be empty around this time, when we started painting it...

"_I don't know why everyone always says that yellow is a neutral color. It looks pretty girly to me, don't you think? I've never walked into a man's bedroom and seen yellow walls." I bend down and roll the paint roller back and forth in the tray of canary yellow paint and roll over the spot on the wall that Jo primed for me. I wanted to get this light green paint that we saw at the paint store but Jo said that blue is a boyish color and insisted that we keep the color "gender neutral" and get yellow. She said that we can always deck the room out with blues and pinks whenever we actually get pregnant and find out if our nonexistent, unborn child is a boy or a girl. Nevertheless, I stroke my arm back and forth to get nice, even lines in the paint job. "You ever walk into a guy's room and see yellow walls?" I stop for a minute and look over at Jo. She's sitting in the middle of the tarp we put down to protect the brand new carpets in here, shoveling beef lo mein noodles into her mouth._

_She licks some grease off her thumb and swallows her mouthful of food. "Shut up and keep painting. Yellow is gender neutral for babies." She puts down her carton of lo mein and picks up my container of bourbon chicken. She spears two or three cubes of chicken on the prongs of her fork and eats it. "Ooh babe, this is good." She sticks a few more pieces of chicken on her fork and eats them. She's gonna eat all my chicken and I'm gonna be left with none. But I guess I don't care. She can have it. I'll just eat her orange chicken. "You missed a spot." She stops mid-chew and points at the wall with her fork. I playfully roll my eyes at her keep painting. "...Can you imagine...when we actually get to bring a baby into this room?" She puts down the food and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "Like Alex...this room is going to be for our baby. Our BABY. Doesn't that freak you out just a little?"_

"_Not really." I shrug my shoulders and put the paint roller down into the tray of paint. I walk over to the middle of the tarp where she's sitting and sit next to her. "It'll probably freak me out more when I see you with the big basketball belly." I pick up the container of her orange chicken and start eating it. "It won't feel real to me until I actually have our baby in my arms. It'll feel real to me once I get thrown up on."_

_She dreamily sighs and ends with a smile on her face. "I can't until we have a baby." She puts her head against my shoulder and stares at the partially painted yellow wall. "...We're going to be good parents. Don't you think?"_

"_I think you're gonna be a pretty good mom." It annoys me when Jo finds the most awkward times to cuddle and lay on me but I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world. Since her head is on my shoulder, I rest my cheek against the top of her head and leave her be. "Me? I have some learning to do. I don't know anything about crappy diapers and making bottles. I think you're gonna be great but me? It's gonna take me a while."_

"_You'll be a good dad, baby. I know you will be." She puts her hand against my cheek and lovingly taps it. "We'll be great parents."_

I close the door to the yellow room and make sure it's closed all the way. I don't know how it got opened but I highly doubt Jo's the one that opened it. I don't really know how else it could've been opened but I know it wasn't Jo. Unless she's not as okay as I thought she was and she did go sit in the room. I don't think she did though. The yellow room is a chapter of our life together that me and Jo have officially closed. She had a breakdown after failing the very last pregnancy test and she was upset for about three days after that. After the three days was up, she threw away the hormone injections and we haven't even mentioned the "b" word ever since. We just have an understood, mutual agreement that we're done trying to get pregnant. The last thing Jo would do is go sit in that room when she doesn't even want to think about having a baby anymore. Since me and Jo have given up, we've just been planning our vacation. Jo's going to be able to take off for Thanksgiving this year so we are going to head to Kansas next month for it. I think we're just going to focus on ourselves and traveling the world now that we're not having a kid.

After I shut the yellow room door, I jog downstairs and go to the kitchen. I grab a tupperware container and take the leftover chicken and vegetables from the fridge. I scoop the rest of the the chicken and vegetables into the tupperware container and put the cap on it. I wrap a brownie up in tin foil, put the brownie and the tupperware into a bag and head for the door. It's a nice, cool fall day outside so Vader's hanging out in the yard underneath his most favorite tree. He'll be fine until I get back from taking Jo her lunch.

I won't lie. I do kind of feel like me and Jo's life is missing something. We've been married for a year and eight months and that's all it's been. It's been me writing a book and Jo getting up everyday and going to work. Everyday for the last year and eight months, it's been the same routine. I feel like we're getting settled into routine and this is all it's ever going to be. It does feel like the two of us are missing something in our lives. We're missing something more than just marriage. It'd be nice if we had a baby around the house. I'd have someone to hang out with while Jo works if we had a baby. I wasn't ready to give up but Jo was and as long as she was tired of crying, I wasn't going to make her keep going through that. But our relationship feels really hollow and our house feels empty. We're missing something...

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

"Alex, why are there dishes in the friggin' sink?" I shut the dishwasher door and turn the dial to start it. I just walked through the door from a ten hour shift and the first thing I have to do is load the dishwasher and clean up Vader's throw up from the middle of the kitchen floor. He's been home all day and he hasn't cleaned up anything. There are dishes in the sink, throw up on the floor and he's been home all damn day. "You've been home all day and you mean to tell me that loading the dishwasher never crossed your mind?" I raise up on my tiptoes and look into the living room at him. "I shouldn't have to clean up as soon as I walk through the door." He's just sitting on the couch with his face buried in his phone. "ALEX!" I raise my voice at him. I can't believe he's staring at his phone while I'm talking to him. "Put down the damn phone! I'm talking to you!"

"No you're not. You're bitching at me. You're not talking; you're bitching. There's a difference." He keeps scrolling through his phone so I walk into the living room and stand in front of him. "What do you want, Jo?" He puts his phone down and looks up.

"I want you to listen to me! I'm talking to you and you're staring at your freaking phone. That's so rude." I put my hands on my hips. He shakes his head and puts his phone back up, which makes me EXPLODE. I snatch his phone out of his hand. "I'll fucking throw it in the toilet. PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU." He sighs and rolls his eyes. "I'm just asking you...WHY are there dishes in the sink and dog puke on the floor when you've been home all day? It's bad enough I have to come home and cook dinner after working all day but to come home and have to clean up when you've been home all day freaking blows my mind. Why don't you just load the dishwasher and look after the damn dog? That's all I'm asking. Dammit, Alex."

"Gimme my phone, Jo." He holds his hand out.

"NO!" I put it in my pocket. "I don't know what's wrong with you. How many times do I have to ask you to just clean things up for me? I work all day and all you do is sit here. That's all I want. Please just clean up for me." I stomp back into the kitchen and take out the package of bacon from the fridge. He wants breakfast for dinner tonight so I'm making him bacon and homemade waffles but damn. I just shouldn't have to clean up as soon as I get home. I love him to DEATH but he pisses me off so bad sometimes. "All you do is sit on your ass and type away on that goddamn computer while I work and I can't even get you to get off your lazy ass for ONCE and help me out. I don't like to come home to a dirty damn house and you know I don't. I can't stand it when you do this." I rip open the pack of bacon and heat the skillet up on the stove. I had a bad day at work today. The highlight of my day was him sitting in the cafeteria and eating lunch with me. I did scut all freaking day. I scrubbed in on one surgery and that was it. "I sit at work all day and then I come home-"

"Shut up, Jo." He wanders into the cafeteria and opens up the fridge. "I know, I heard you the first eighty thousand times. I'M SORRY, alright? I'll clean up from now on. I'm sorry that I really wasn't home all day. I'm sorry that I ran a few errands, paid a few bills and brought my wife lunch today and didn't have time to load the fucking dishwasher. I'm tired of hearing your mouth. Shut up already." He softly nudges me out of the way and takes over the bacon. "Go take a shower and get off your period."

"I'm not on my period! I'm just tired of having a lazy ass husband that sits on his ass all day while I work." I roll my eyes and slam his phone down on the counter. "And big freaking whoop. You ran errands and brought me lunch. Do you want a cookie for that? I work ten hour shifts and still manage to come home and feed you. Big damn deal...you go to the gym and bring me lunch."

"SHUT UP, JO!" He puts the bacon into the skillet and turns the heat up. "You ever think that I'm tired of having a bitchy ass wife? Quit bitching all the time and maybe we won't argue so damn much. Stop beating a dead damn horse. How many times are you going to bitch at me?" I lean against the wall next to the stove and just shut up. I hate arguing with him so much. The majority of the time, when we argue, I just want to kiss him. Even when I know I'm right and he's wrong, I still just want to kiss him, say sorry and move on. But both me and Alex are stubborn and neither one of us know when to shut our mouths. So we argue and we scream and we yell and we call each other names and we say things we don't mean but in like...half an hour, he'll be asking me how my day was and I'll be rubbing his shoulders that are sore from the gym. "How do you want the fucking bacon? Crispy or chewy?"

"...Crispy." I roll my eyes at him and grab two cups out of the cabinet. "...Sorry for yelling at you but seriously, Alex. I'm so tired from work and all I want to do is come home, cook dinner for my husband, take a shower and relax for the rest of the night. You know how much I hate it when I come home to a sink full of dishes and a mess from the dog. All I want is for you to be more aware of your surroundings and help me out a little bit around here. If you walk in the kitchen and see a sink full of dishes, load the dishwasher. If you see that Vader puked, clean it up for me. That's all I want." I put the cups on the counter and wrap my arms around his waist while he fries the bacon. "I'm sorry. I love you."

"I love you too, Scrooge McDuck." He puts the fork he's using to fry the bacon down and starts stroking my hands. "You gotta stop being such a Squidward, Jo. Nobody likes a Squidward...or a Scrooge McDuck." He holds my hands. "And I'll help out more around the house." I take my hands from around his waist and go back to the cups I grabbed so I can finish pouring us drinks like I started to do. "Gimme a kiss." He mumbles and I pause once again from pouring us drinks to kiss him. It's crazy how me and Alex can go from screaming and cussing at each other to kissing and saying that we love each other. I think that's why I'll argue with Alex in a heartbeat. I know that our arguments don't matter. "So um..." He goes back to frying the bacon and I finally get around to pouring a glass of Mountain Dew and a glass of ginger ale for me. "The yellow room was open this morning... were you in there for something?"

I slide his soda across the counter to him and turn mine up to my lips. In addition to my horrible day at work, I also haven't been feeling well. I was working the ER two days ago and I treated a five year old with the stomach flu. She was so dehydrated so I had to hook her up to fluids and stuff. She coughed all over me a couple times and I tried to fight it but I know I'm coming down with something. Which sucks, because tomorrow is my Orthopedics rotation and if I'm not feeling well I'll have to call off. "...Yeah. I went in there last night to close the vents. It was cold in the house last night and since it's not time to turn the heat on, I just wanted to make sure the vents were closed. I guess I didn't slam the door hard enough to shut it all the way." I put my ginger ale down. "Why, was Vader in there?"

"Yeah." He puts the bacon fork down again and turns to take a sip of his soda. "I caught him in there laying down." He pushes my hair back away from my forehead. "You need to go take a shower or something. You look peckish...flushed." He puts his hand on my forehead. Alex enjoys playing doctor with me. Every time I'm sick, he always springs into action to take care of me. He claims that I always get to be the doctor in the situation and whenever I'm sick, it's his turn to be the doctor. "You feeling okay?"

"...Not really." I admit and take another sip of ginger ale. "I treated a kid with the stomach bug and she coughed all over me. My stomach's been jumpy all day but I've been pushing through. I have my ortho rotation tomorrow and I can't miss that." My stomach is churning like it has been all day but it's not unbearable. But knowing Alex, he's going to make it into something bigger than what it is.

"You'll miss it if you're not feeling, Jo." He puts his hands on my face. "If you're not feeling well, you need to stay in bed and rest. There will be other ortho rotations." He kisses my forehead. "And I mean it. If you wake up tomorrow morning feeling any worse than you're feeling right now, you're staying home."

"Alex, it's not a big deal. It's just a stomach bug, nothing serious. I'll be fine. Doctors don't get sick." I swallow some spit and feel like I'm about to throw up.

"Jo, you look bad..." He holds onto my shoulders. I feel my throat closing up and my stomach constricting. I inhale and exhale slowly, trying to settle my stomach down but every time I inhale, I smell the scent of the bacon frying and it's not helping. I should've stopped and picked up some TheraFlu from the drugstore on my way home. But I wasn't feeling this sick when I was on my way home. I didn't start feeling this sick until the smell of the bacon started getting to me. I feel a bead of sweat trickle down the back of my neck and my vision starts to double. I feel lightheaded. "Jo..." Alex calls my name and my legs go limp but he catches me. "Whoa...Jo, jo, jo...Jo." He collapses on the floor right along with me but he only falls because he's trying to keep me from hitting the floor. "Jo..." He cradles my face in his hands. "Baby..." He must really be worried to call me "baby". He's only ever called me "baby" once. My stomach violently constricts and Alex cups his hands by my mouth. I open my mouth and end up puking right in his hands. "Oh yeah, you're not going to work tomorrow." My vomit in his hand doesn't even phase him. "You okay?"

"Mmmh." I groan and shake my head. I feel weak. Yeah, I'm sick. I can't go in to work tomorrow. I have the stomach bug. "...I'm gonna throw up again..." I whimper.

"Go 'head..." He keeps his hands cupped in front of me. I feel like I should be throwing up more than what's actually coming out. Nothing big is coming up but I feel like more should be coming up with how hard my stomach is constricting. I open my mouth again and throw up in his hands again. A chunk of chicken comes up from my lunch earlier. "You alright? You alright now?" I nod my head. I am feeling a little better now that I puked. "Alright, lemme get up...lemme clean you up." He gently puts me down on the floor and walks with my vomit still cradled in his hands, over to the sink. I should help him clean up. I gather myself and stand up. He's washing his hands at the sink. He must really love me to let me puke in his hands. "You should call off work tonight, babe. Call off tonight for tomorrow." He scrubs his hands. "Are you sure it's just a stomach flu?"

"Mhm." I slowly but surely grab the mop to clean up the little bit of throw up Alex allowed to get on the floor. "I don't know what else it could be. I treated someone with the stomach flu. I mean...we know I'm not pregnant. It could be food poisoning?" I mop up the throw up and throw the mop back in the basement. "Can you run down to the drugstore and get me some TheraFlu? I wanna be better by Wednesday. I'll take tomorrow off but I wanna be better by Wednesday."

"Yeah, I'll run down. Lemme finish the bacon." He dries his hands off. "I just didn't think you could get the stomach flu just from someone coughing on you when you bathe in hand sanitizer all day and isn't the stomach flu transferred by direct saliva? You weren't kissing the girl, were you? But I'm not a doctor...what do I know?" He takes the bacon out of the skillet.

"...I dunno." I shrug my shoulders. "I'm pretty sure it's the stomach flu. I'm pretty sure the kid gave it to me. Germs spread a lot of ways." I lick my lips and take a breath. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom...I feel like I might throw up again." I spit out a lie, mostly because if I told him exactly what I'm going to do, he'd yell at me. I disappear into the downstairs bathroom and shut and lock the door behind me. This isn't like all the other times, I swear. I've had an entire month to recuperate myself and I really feel like I'm okay. I'm stronger. I can do this.

I quietly open up the medicine cabinet and rummage through it as quietly as I possibly can for what I'm looking for. I don't want Alex to hear me. If this doesn't come out right, I just won't tell him what I did. I don't want him to get mad at me. But I just have to be sure. I find it and open it up. I pull my pants down and sit on the toilet. I pop the cap off of it and stick it between my legs. I squeeze out a little bit of pee and put it on the counter. I wipe and pull my pants up, flush the toilet and sit back on the toilet while I wait. I really thought I was done doing this. I thought I was done doing this for the rest of my life and I really thought I'd never do this again. I never thought I'd have to wait three minutes again. But here I am, sitting on the toilet, waiting. I just want to make sure. I said it and it felt funny to say it. But I said it like I knew for a fact that I wasn't. And maybe I am... I don't know.

I really hope I am strong enough to deal with this. I've had a month to deal with it. I've had a month to become okay with it. It's been a month since I've broken down. I'm fine with this. I gave up. I know it won't happen. I glance up at the clock. I still have one more minute. _I'm probably not pregnant. I'm just sick. It's not morning sickness, either. It's 7:30 at night...this isn't morning sickness. I have no other signs, either. _Wait... I have been craving chocolate lately...and I've been moody... _NO, JOSEPHINE. DON'T DO IT TO YOURSELF. _I look at the clock again. Three minutes have officially passed. I snatch the pregnancy test up off the counter and don't even prolong it. I know it's negative and there's no sense in beating around the bush. I swallow a lump in my throat and look at the results. It's not one of the fancy First Response tests. It's one of the generic ones with the lines, instead of the words. Two vertical lines means positive, one vertical line means negative. I just look at the results without even expecting anything. ...Are there... I spring up off the toilet, open the door and run as fast as I can into the kitchen. "ALEX! ALEX!" He's not in the kitchen. "ALEX!" I run to the front door because he's probably in the driveway because he went to go get me medicine. "ALEX! ALEX!" I run to his car because he hasn't pulled out yet.

"What?!" He rolls down his window and instead of running around to his side of the car, I yank open the passenger's side door and climb in. "What's the matter, Jo?"

"Am I looking at this right?! PLEASE TELL ME I'M LOOKING AT THIS RIGHT!" I shove the test into his hand. He takes it off of me and squints at it. "...Please tell me I'm looking at this right...please tell me you see two lines. Please...tell me you see two lines. Do you see two fucking lines? I see two lines..."

"...I see two lines." He smiles so big. "Jo, I see two lines..." He looks at me. "Are you shitting me? I see two lines..."

"You see two lines too?!" I feel the tears coming on. "I see two lines...I see two." I look at the test again. Sure enough, there are two prominent black vertical lines. The lines aren't even faint. They're dark, not even hesitantly there. They're THERE. "...Alex..." I'm trying so hard to hold my tears in but he throws his arms around me and squeezes me so incredibly tight and I burst out into tears. Those drugs...they worked! They worked! We're having a baby! WE'RE HAVING A BABY! "Oh my god...Oh my god...we did it. Oh my god...I'm dreaming. Oh my god."

"We did it, babe...we did it." He squeezes me so tight and I swear I feel his tears against my neck. "We did it."


	65. Ready?

**A/N:** So here's another little time jump, guys.

* * *

As I'm regaining my consciousness, I hear the rhythmic beeping of the machines I'm hooked up to. My vision is just slightly blurry but when everything comes into focus, I'm looking at the tan-colored walls in my room. The wall in front of my face has a picture of a naked newborn baby, peacefully sleeping on what looks like a white cloud, hanging on it. In front of the wall is a green cushioned chair with a lamp on an end table next to it. I take the first breath after waking and lift my head up to find that it's hurting worse than it was when I went to sleep the first time. A moan comes out of my mouth and I prop myself up on my elbow. In the mirror across from my bed, I catch a glimpse at myself and boy do I look rough. I have a bright red sleep-line streaking across my face and my already messy hair looks like a bird's nest as it's in a bun on top of my head. I yawn and look over at the clock on the table next to my bed. It's 3:30 in the morning. I've been asleep since 12:00 midnight. I moan again and sit all the way up in my bed. On the other side of the bed, opposite the way I was facing, is a green cushioned couch and another end table with a lamp next to it. On the couch is a pillow, a blanket and a black jacket. He must've gone to get something to eat from the cafeteria. Lucky him, he can actually eat. I'm starving but I can't keep anything down.

I yawn once again and pick up the remote laying on the bed next to me. I turn on the TV that's mounted on the wall in front of me and start scrolling through the channels to find something suitable to watch. When I have the channel on MTV and find that Fantasy Factory is on, I put the remote back down and rest my head against the pillow I was just laying on. I'm still tired but I don't want to sleep through this entire ordeal. I want to be awake for at least some of it. We came here around 11:00. We checked in, got our room and waited for someone to see us. The nurse came in, hooked me up to these machines, gave me a dose of pain medication and I went right to sleep. I didn't sleep much last night. My back's been hurting all day but I just took a hot shower and went to bed around 9:30. I was woken up an hour later with excruciating back pains and Alex drove me here. I scratch at the IV in my left hand and sigh, trying to get into the TV show so I don't fall back asleep. I still have pain medicine in my system but I'm beginning to get uncomfortable again. The only time I'm not uncomfortable is when I'm lying down and if I lie down, I'm going to fall asleep again.

Careful not to bump the monitor that's hooked up to my big, beach-ball belly, I reach over on the table next to my bed and pick up the medication pump. I was going to try not to use a whole bunch of pain medicine but I'm too uncomfortable to sit up right now and I need to be alleviated. I push the button down on the medication pump and hold it down until I feel that it'll be enough to numb me again. This medication pump is a freaking godsend. I don't have to wait around for a nurse to come back and give me more numbing medicine. I can just push a button and administer myself more medication. But I have to be careful that I don't max myself out on the dosage. They'll cut me off after a certain dose. I put the pump back down and adjust the pillow behind my back to take off some of the pressure.

I guess I'm just glad I didn't have to be induced. I heard induction hurts so much worse than regular labor. I'm three days past my due date so I really thought that I was going to have to be induced but turns out the back pains I've been feeling for the last two days has been mild contractions. I mean, I've never had a baby before so I was just waiting for my water to break to signal that I'm in labor. But the back pains became unbearable tonight and when Alex called the doctor, he said that I was having contractions and I should get to the hospital. I smooth my white and blue polka-dotted hospital gown over my big belly and rest my hand just above the monitor that's on it. My belly isn't very big so I think the baby's going to be tiny. I gained 20 pounds throughout my entire pregnancy but I didn't gain it anywhere else but my belly and my boobs. My thighs are still as thin as they were and so are my arms. I did get a bigger butt but Alex isn't complaining about that. He doesn't complain about the boobs either. Anyway, my weight gain is normal for the weight I was before I got pregnant. My stomach looks like I stuffed a beach-ball up my shirt. It's not big at all. The baby might be tiny for that reason.

I can't wait to meet the baby. I can't wait to see who it looks like, what it's cry sounds like...I just can't wait. I can't wait to see if it's a boy or a girl, for crying out loud. We decided to be surprised. There are few surprises left in this world so we might as well make the sex of our baby a surprise as well. I secretly think it's a boy but part of me also believes that I'm going to end up having a daughter. I really don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy but we literally have no idea what it could be. The yellow room is yellow and green. We bought all gender neutral clothes, all gender neutral bedding, a gender neutral car seat...gender neutral everything. Me and Alex went all out for the baby. We're BEYOND prepared. Funny though, we're SO prepared for this baby material-wise but we still have no idea on names. We've talked about names, thrown out suggestions and stuff but nothing serious has stuck. We're hoping that we'll see it and the name will just come to us. We have no serious suggestions. We thrown out a bunch of names. Lyla, Cooper, Victoria, Carter, Marley, Devon, Lilly, Luke...we've gone through so many names. None of them have stuck and we have no idea what to name our baby.

I think my pregnancy has gone rather smoothly though. Everything was normal. The weight gain, the weird cravings, the moodiness...everything was typical. I used to crave orange juice, peanut butter and banana peppers. Occasionally, I'd ask Alex to run out and grab me a strawberry milkshake or a carton of french fries from McDonald's but that was only on occasion. Alex was a super good sport about the moodiness too. I wasn't that big of a bitch to him but if he didn't go out and get my milkshake or whatever, I'd be in a pissy mood. Or sometimes he would leave toothpaste in the sink and it'd piss me off so bad that I'd say "fuck you" to him. But he was such a good husband about everything. After getting over the initial fear of being happy about having a baby, the pregnancy was awesome. I was just so scared of being happy about it at first...

_I look down at the smooth, black paper in my hand and lose myself deep in thought, just thinking about all the things that this paper—a picture—means. I haven't had an Obstetrics rotation since medical school, so I don't really know for certain what I'm looking at but from what I can remember from my training, I sort of know what I'm seeing. The gray area around the picture is the inside of me. In the middle of the picture is a black clearing and inside that clearing is a tiny little oval just floating there. It's just an oval but it holds my entire heart in it's hands already. This picture means so much to me. It means my life actually has meaning now. Being married to Alex was amazing in itself. He made me the happiest, luckiest woman in the entire universe. Yet, I still felt that something was missing from our lives. Something that could give our lives together meaning. And here, in this picture that I'm holding is the very thing that's going to make our lives together worthwhile. Now the hardest part is going to be waiting for the next seven and a half months to meet my little baby._

"_Can I tell my mom now?" After being silent nearly the whole ride home, Alex breaks the silence as he makes the turn that will put us on the road to get to our house. I think the two of us have just been thinking about this too much to even talk. These last five days have been filled with laughter and excitement ever since I found out I was pregnant. But although we we've been excited, we've also been cautious because the both of us know all too well about getting your hopes up and being let down. Neither one of us wanted to take the chance of getting too excited because it would've sucked if the test gave off a false positive. The test had been in the medicine cabinet for several months before I took it so I was thinking that maybe the result was a false positive. But today, we actually saw our baby. We saw our baby, heard it's heartbeat and we know that it's in there and it's healthy so far. And now, we're both too excited to talk about it. We're both just thinking...about how our lives are about to be different in less than nine months. "Jo, can I tell my mom now?" Since I didn't respond right away, he asks the same question for a second time._

_My lips curl up into a smile as I very reluctantly take my eyes off of the picture I've spent the fifteen minute ride home staring at. "Yes, Alex. You can tell your mom now." It's been killing him to keep it a secret for five days. I just wanted him to wait to break news until we were sure that there's actually a baby inside of me. We're sure now and he's dying to tell her. "...But maybe we should wait until after the first trimester to tell her. I mean, what's the sense in getting everyone all riled up and excited if there's a chance that I might miscarry? Maybe we should just wait to tell everyone until we're out of the woods." I go right back to looking down at the picture. I can't imagine losing you. I've only known you for five days and I love you. "I think we should wait. For everything." I try to push the thought of having a miscarriage out of my head but it's still there, lingering in the back of my mind. "We should wait to order a crib and go shopping. We should wait to tell your family, just in case people start sending us little outfits and stuff. I'm not saying that I'm going to—but what if I do lose the baby? Then we have to take the crib back, pack away all the baby stuff...I don't know that I'm strong enough to do that."_

_He pulls the car into the driveway and throws the gearshift in park. "Jo..." He turns the car off and yanks the key out of the ignition. He turns to me and puts his hand on my shoulder before we start getting out the car. "You can be happy now. No more failed tests, crying yourself to sleep, poking yourself with needles and avoiding the yellow room. It's okay to be happy about it. Nothing's going to happen to the baby. We can be happy about it, celebrate about it and go online to look at a crap load of stuff to buy because we're having a BABY. This is for real this time. Nothing's going to steal this away." I bite my lip and sigh. "I know. It's hard to go from being used to crying and being upset every month to being happy. But you can be happy now." He grabs the picture off of me. "Look at that, Jo. Tell me that doesn't make you happy."_

"_It makes me extremely happy." I try to fight it, but a huge smile spreads across my face as I stare at the picture of my baby again. "But I don't know...I'm just scared. I'm scared to be happy about it because I just know that things can go from good to bad within a matter of seconds. Like I...I'm getting everything I ever wanted. I have my husband and now I'm getting my baby...I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop." _

"_There is no other shoe, babe. Just be happy."_

I didn't even want him to tell him mom right away because I was so scared that something might happen. But here I am, in labor with our little baby and it's fine. I try not to think about the fact that this baby is our little miracle baby because these pregnancy hormones make me so emotional that if I think about it, I'll cry and I won't be able to stop crying. But it is. This baby is our miracle baby. I thought it wasn't going to happen, Alex and I both had given up hope on ever having a baby and we were just about to settle for never being parents. But then I took a random test one day and found out I was pregnant. I guess our baby was just really, truly, meant to be. It refused to come the all natural way, it didn't come with the first week of drug therapy and when me and daddy decided to give up after the second week, it decides that it wants us to be it's parents. Such a little miracle baby. I thought for sure that the god or whatever was punishing me and Alex for something, but in giving us this baby, I think he might have showed us some mercy. _Hey..._

The door to my room opens up and through it walks Alex, balancing a styrofoam cup on a white box of food from the cafeteria. He kicks the door shut behind himself and smiles as soon as he sees me. "You're awake." He puts the food and the cup down on the bedside table and leans in to kiss my forehead. "How're you feeling?" I motion with my hand to let him know that I'm doing "so-so." He strokes my hair away from my face and kisses my cheek. He smells like food, which makes my stomach growl. "I brought you food. They had this Chinese stir-fry stuff in the cafeteria. I had it and it was good so I brought you some back. And some orange juice...and I put some pudding in there. Banana." I excitedly grab the box of food from table. "I thought you might be hungry." He winks at me.

I open up the box and shove a forkful of chicken fried rice in my mouth. Of course, it doesn't taste quite like real Chinese food because it's hospital food nonetheless but it's good. I chew on it for a little then pocket the chewed up food in my cheek so I can talk for a little bit. "...Mercy." I swallow the food and lick my lips. I sit back and wait for him to digest that.

"Mercy?" He raises an eyebrow and looks at me. "Mercy on what?"

"For a girl." I pick up another forkful of rice and hold it to my mouth. "It could be like M-E-R-C-Y or it could be like M-E-R-C-I." I blow on the rice to cool it down and eat more of it. "Because it's meaningful, either way. It could mean that...I mean...maybe the universe was punishing us for something for a while there. And now we have a baby. God showed us some Mercy." I feel silly explaining the story to him but I know that if I don't have an explanation, he won't think that Mercy is a cute name. "And it means 'thank you' in French. We're telling god thank you for giving her to us." I take a sip of the orange juice. "What do you think?"

"Mercy..." He tries it out. "Mercy Karev..." He goes again and shrugs. "It has a nice ring to it...it's not bad. It's good." He nods. "Mercy. I like M-E-R-C-Y."

"So you like it?"

"Yeah, it's not bad." He nods again. "I think it's pretty. Good job, babe." He sits down on the bed next to me and puts his hand against my stomach. "...You ready?" Since my mouth is very full right now, I just nod my head and smile as best as I can with a full mouth. "Me too." He rubs my belly in a circle. "My mom's on standby. I told her that I would text her a picture as soon as it comes out. She's excited too." Helen, Amber and Don are all so upset that they couldn't be here. Amber's deep into her athletic training internship so her leaving wasn't an option and Don's giving finals, since it's June and he's a high school teacher. Helen was going to come alone but she just decided that it would be unfair if she came while everyone else wanted to come too, so she just didn't. But Alex has been texting her nonstop, giving her updates and stuff. I'm kind of glad that it's just me and Alex though. It's a lot more intimate being just the two of us. "You having any contractions right now?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know...I might be." I close the box of food and put it back on the table next to me. I feel so much better now that I ate something. And better yet, I think I might actually be able to hold this round of food down. When I first got here, I tried to eat a container of yogurt from the cafeteria and I threw it all up. I had just gotten the epidural put in my back and it made my stomach all weird and I threw up the yogurt. I think I'm handling the epidural better now. "I can't really feel anything below my waist. It was wearing off a minute ago though, and I pushed more pain medicine into the catheter and now I don't feel it again." I sigh. "I just wish we could fast forward a few hours. I'm feeling like this isn't going to happen any time soon. I wanna push already." I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. "...Isn't it crazy to think that tomorrow we'll be holding our baby...and kissing it's little toes?" I'm smiling again. "...Are you thinking boy or girl?"

"Boy." He starts rubbing my arm. "I wonder when the nurse is gonna be back to check you."

"She said she'd give me a few hours because I wanted to sleep. She has the baby's monitor wired so if it goes off, she'll be on alert and she'll automatically come back and check on me." I stroke his arm too, since he's stroking mine. "I'm still tired, actually. I'm feeling like I was feeling on our wedding night...after I drank all those Margaritas... I'm like delirious right now."

"Then go back to sleep."

"I don't want to sleep through my entire labor. I want to experience this."

"Jo, go to sleep." He kisses my temple. "This is just the boring part of your labor. You're gonna need your rest for when you start pushing. So you should be resting up right now." He kisses my cheek too. "Go to bed. I'll wake you up if something happens."

"Alright." I lean in and kiss his lips. "Love you, baby."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Nope, no baby yet." I hold the phone to my ear with my left hand, because I'm stroking Jo's hair with my right one. It was nice that Greg thought to call and see if we had the baby yet but being that it's 5:45 in the morning, I know that the only reason he's calling is because he's about to go to work. The only reason he's up right now is because he has to go be at work by 7:00. I don't blame him though. I wouldn't be up at this hour if I didn't have to be either. "The wife is sleep right now and we're just waiting for things to pick up, really. So no baby yet. I don't think we're going to have one any time soon. I'll text you though...when we have it." I look down at Jo to make sure she's okay. Her face is smushed into my chest and she's sleeping so soundly. She's trying to cuddle with me but her big belly is getting in the way. I reach down and move her hair away. "Alright...talk to you later, man." I hang up the phone and put it down on the table next to her bed. I think I might get some sleep too. Jo's nowhere near beginning to push.

I pull covers over my body too and rest my head on the same pillow as her head. Call me crazy, but I think I'm actually going to miss this. Her being pregnant, I mean. Not the moodiness and the demands and her being miserable. But actually seeing her belly grow and feeling our baby kick my hand and stuff like that. I'm going to miss that. It's just that...me and Jo realize that us having another baby after we have this one is probably not going to happen so we made the most of this. We did the wall measurements of her stomach for each week, we decorated a real nice nursery, we did the gender surprise thing...her pregnancy was just a fun experience and I'm so, so glad that we got the chance to have a child after all. Remember that spark I said that Jo lost after so many failed pregnancy tests? Over the last nine months, she's gotten it back. She's bubbly again, happy, smiley. And that void in our lives I felt that was missing? It's clearly filled. I feel like me and Jo's lives are a whole hell of a lot better. So yeah, I'm going to miss her being pregnant but I'm excited for this new chapter. I'm excited for this baby to be born.

I already know that we're having a girl, but I've been playing along with Jo for the entire time because she's so excited about being surprised. I really wanted to be surprised too but I accidentally caught a glimpse of between the baby's legs on an ultrasound a few visits back and it was flat, with nothing jutting out. I almost let it slip once when I picked up a pink blanket while we were shopping but I played it off well. I've been telling Jo that I think we're having a boy to further play it off too. But we're having a little girl and I'm excited to meet her and teach her how to be a daddy's girl. I'm just really going to miss Jo being pregnant, though...

"_Alex..." As soon as I walk into the kitchen, she says my name. She's stretching her arms to reach in the top cupboard for something. She's wearing a pair of my sweatpants and a red tank top. Her little baby belly is hanging out the bottom of her shirt and a couple light pink stretch marks are showing as well. She doesn't have many stretch marks on her stomach and hips. She has about eight total. She has two on the bottom of her stomach, two on the backs of her hips and two on her thighs. She has a BUNCH on her boobs because she went up two entire cup sizes. "We need more peanut butter." I was sure that she was in the cupboard looking for the peanut butter but no. She actually comes out with a jar of Nutella._

"_No we don't. There's a whole new container up in the cupboard there. I just bought it yesterday evening." I open the fridge and grab the bag of celery out of it because I know that's what she'll aim for next. She eats peanut butter and Nutella on EVERYTHING now that she's pregnant. She'll put peanut butter and Nutella on bread, vegetables, fruits...anything. "It should be up in there."_

"_I ate it. We need more peanut butter." She brings the container of Nutella over to the counter I'm standing in front of and twists the cap off. She grabs a celery stick and scoops some Nutella up with it and takes a big bite. _

"_Jo, you went through an entire jar of peanut butter in less than a day?" I lean against the counter._

"_Look, I'm fat, pregnant and eating for two." She hops up and sits on the counter. She starts swinging her feet. "I'm sorry, but if the baby screams 'PEANUT BUTTER!' I'm gonna feed it peanut butter." She's chewing. "Can you run to Target and grab me some? I really want some peanut butter."_

"_What did you, eat it on a spoon? I bought the celery to go with the peanut butter and the celery wasn't opened and somehow the peanut butter is gone?" I stand in front of her and kiss her Nutella-covered lips. "But yes...I'll go grab you more peanut butter. Is there anything else my baby wants?" I put my hands on her belly and rub it. It's so hard, but only on the places where the baby's head is. I was touching it's butt yesterday until it started kicking Jo. _

"_Peanut butter, peach iced tea and can you stop at Burger King and get me onion rings?" She runs her fingers through my hair and smiles. "Please, baby?" I nod my head at her. "...Wait, I'll just come with you. It's not fair that I make you run out all the time. I'll come with you. I need to get some more baby laundry detergent anyway."_

"_No, you stay babe. I'll go. I'll grab detergent too. Aren't you up in the nursery folding clothes? You can go 'head and continue." I bend down and kiss her belly. "We use Dreft, right?"_

"_Yeah. Get the one with the pink cap because it's lightly scented." She eats another Nutella celery stick. She's 36 weeks tomorrow so we're getting into the home stretch now. Since it's getting so close, we decided that we should start washing up all the baby's clothes and getting the hospital bag ready. She asks me every single day if I'm ready to become a dad and every day my answer gets truer and truer. I am ready to be a dad. Bring on the dirty diapers, the bottles, the early mornings and late nights...bring it all on. I'm ready to be a dad. Jo already has her work schedule set up and everything is coming together. She's going to take off two months for maternity leave. I'm so excited. "And get another pack of diapers while you're out. Get size one We bought all newborn diapers and no size ones. What if we have a big baby? Then it can't fit all of the diapers we bought. I mean, the baby will probably be tiny considering my belly is the size of a soccer ball but just to be sure..."_

"_Alright babe, I got it."_

I close my eyes and wrap my arms around Jo's body. It's going to be a while before she starts pushing so I might as well catch some sleep too.

* * *

**A/N:** Originally, I had only planned on making this story about 70 chapters long. I'm going to stick with it and it's only going to be 70 chapters long, so it'll be ending pretty soon. With that being said, I won't keep you guys guessing about what happened during Jo's pregnancy. I'll tell you all about it through flashbacks from here on out. I'm starting to tie up loose ends with this story, so if there's anything else you guys feel like I need to explain better, just ask me through reviews and I'll try to find a way to incorporate it into the story.

-Rae.


	66. New Here

I rest my hand on her stomach and kiss her cheek softly, careful not to wake her up. She's been sleeping for a while now but I'm not bothering to wake her up because she'll be pushing our baby out soon enough and I don't know much about childbirth and labor considering that this is my first baby, but I imagine that pushing a baby out is a lot of hard, tiring work. So I want Jo to get as much rest as she possibly can before it's time for her to start pushing. She fell asleep about half an hour before I did and I woke up before her, that's how long she's been asleep. I think that everything is going well, for the most part. Jo's not in pain, Mercy is alright considering the fact that none of the monitors that are tracking her heartbeat and stuff have gone off and everything seems to be moving at a slow but comfortable pace. It's sort of weird to call her by her name. These past months, I've just been referring to her as "the baby" in front of Jo and secretly to myself, I've been calling her "her" and "she". But now, she actually has a name and it's so strange to finally be able to call her something. I think her name is going to be Mercy Karen, after Jo's adoptive mother. "When are you gonna come outta there, Mers?" I rub my hand across her stomach. "You'll like it out here. I promise."

I pull the white cotton blanket over Jo's body some more and push the pillow she's lying on over just a little to make sure that she's comfortable. I reach over on the end table and pick up my phone because I'm sure that someone has called to ask how things are going. Whether it's my mom, my stepdad, Amber or Greg...I'm sure SOMEBODY has called or texted. I push the home button on my phone to light up the screen and sure enough, I have three missed calls from my mom, one from Amber and a text message from Greg. I slide my finger across the screen and check the text first. He just asked me if we had the baby yet. I text him back a "nope" and go to my missed calls. I call my mom first because she's the one that's probably having a heart attack over not hearing anything. I hold the phone to my ear and listen to it ring and of course, it doesn't ring long before she picks up. It's almost like she was waiting by the phone for my call and knowing my mom, she probably was.

"It's about time someone calls me back!" She doesn't even answer the phone with a "hello". She just goes right into scolding me. "I called three times! There better be a damn good excuse! What's been going on, Alex? Do we have a baby yet? What's happening?"

"No baby yet." I shift my weight off my back leg and turn to lie on my side, behind Jo. This bed is more than big enough to comfortably suit the both of us but the way Jo's laying isn't leaving me much space to work with and I refuse to move her, so I just have to make this work somehow. "It's 11:00 in the morning, mom. We've been here since 12:00 last night and both of us are tired so we were sleeping. I literally just woke up and Jo's still sleeping. So calm yourself down. You didn't miss anything. We still have no baby." I clear my throat. "Amber called. Do you know what she wanted?"

"She wanted to know if we had a baby yet too. I'll run upstairs and give her an update when we get off the phone so don't worry about calling her back." _Of course that's what Amber wanted. _"But Jo's sleeping? That's good. She should be resting up. It's good that she's in so little pain that she's able to sleep." As soon as she hears that we're still no closer to having a baby, she backs way off. I can only imagine how bad she'd yell at me if Jo had the baby already and I didn't return her calls. She'd probably flip her lid. "Is she dilated and contracting? How are things progressing?"

"I don't know any of that, mom." I shrug my shoulders, as if she can see me through the phone. "Her tag says that the nurse came in to check her monitors and her status an hour ago. We were sleeping when she was in here so I don't know about any of that stuff. All I know is that she hasn't started pushing yet and she's not in pain. I can't tell if she's contracting and I don't even know what the "D" word you just said even means."

"Geez, Alex. Is there anything that you _do _know?" She sighs into the receiver. "It's killing me that I'm not there." _Yeah, I can tell. I can tell it's killing you just by the way you're talking to me. _"Will you do me a favor, Alex?" The tone of her voice is completely different. She sounds as if she really might cry or something, so even though she was just annoying the hell out of me a second ago, I soften up a little.

"What you want, ma?" I mumble.

"You don't know how it works, so I'll explain it to you." She starts. "After the baby comes, they're going to take it over to a table where they wipe it off, check it's temperature and do it's height and weight. You hear me?" She asks and I mumble "uh huh" into the phone. "When that happens, will you please go over to that table and take a video—not a picture—of it? And please send it to me? Just get me a good recording of my grandbaby...please, Alex. I need to hear the cry, that's all."

"I planned on doing that anyway, mom. I was gonna send it to your iPad so you could see it better." She's making me feel bad with how she's begging me and about to cry over this. "I know how much you wish you could be here and I know how upset it makes you that you aren't." I sigh myself. "I'll try really hard to keep you updated and I'll try to make it seem like you're here. And I'll call you right after everything calms down so you can talk to Jo and stuff. I got this, mom. I got it."

"Thank you, baby." I can hear the smile in her voice. "Alright, I'm gonna let you go now. I have some things I gotta take care of around the house. Call me if anything changes, okay?"

"Mhm."

"Okay. Love you, Alex. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye mom." I hang up the phone and put it back down on the table next to the bed. I look at the clock and sigh when I see that it reads "12:23 p.m.". This is taking forever. I'm ready to just meet my daughter already. I rub my hands through my hair, close my eyes and take a breath. Anyway, I guess I do feel pretty bad that my mom isn't able to be here. At first, she told me and Jo that she couldn't come because they couldn't afford to fly out to Massachusetts right now because they just paid $1,000 to get Amber into this internship program for athletic training. She started crying her eyes out when I told her that I'd pay for all their tickets to fly out here because deep down, I do believe that my family should be here for the birth of my baby. And then, it turns out that they couldn't come anyway because Amber's in the internship program now, Don's giving his high school classes finals and my mom didn't want to fly out here without them because she thought it would be rude. And the fact that Mercy decided to come late didn't help the situation. Jo was due on May 31st. It's now June 3rd and she's just now going into labor.

I still think my mom could've flown out here by herself though. I would've still paid for her ticket to come out here and see the baby be born. As much as she would've gotten on my damn nerves, she could've stayed at me and Jo's so she wouldn't have had to rent out a hotel room. My mom's been all over this baby business since day one so I always thought that it would only be fair if she were here. Plus, Jo said herself that she wouldn't have cared if my mom was in the delivery room with us. She's been excited since the day we told her that Jo was pregnant...

"_Can you see us?" I ask as Jo adjusts the camera and tries to bring it into focus. "Mom, can you see us?" Jo turns the camera lens and makes the picture clearer. Neither one of us really know anything about Skype and video-chatting outside of FaceTime, so getting the computer's camera to work is somewhat of a chore. Jo steps away from the camera and sits down next to me. "You can see us?"_

"_Yes, Alex. I don't understand why the two of you couldn't have just called and told me this. Do you see the state I'm in?" Through the camera, I can see that she's still in her pajamas and her hair is a mess. "What do you guys want?"_

"_We have something to tell you, Helen." Jo puts her head on my shoulder and smiles. "Or...something to show you, rather." She looks up at me and smiles again, signaling for me to take the picture off the computer desk that we're sitting in front of. I reach forward and grab it and look at it for a second. My mom's going to be so excited. And if she's anywhere near as excited as I am right now, she'll probably cry. I cried when the obstetrician we went to today turned on the monitor and the picture of the baby popped up. Luckily for me, Jo was too busy looking at the monitor herself and she didn't notice that I was crying. But I was. It was just a lot for me to see our kid on that screen like that. It was a wonderful feeling. I hold the picture up in front of the camera so my mom can see it. _

_She gasps so loud that Jo jumps, but starts laughing. "No...no." My mom keeps shaking her head and she has her hands clasped over her mouth. "No..." I start to laugh a little at her reaction. "AMBER! DONALD!" _

Interrupting my thoughts, the door to me and Jo's room opens up and through the door walks the same nurse that's been checking on Jo since we got here 12 hours ago. She's older, with short, curly, white hair and glasses but she's been so nice this entire time, which is a big deal; for me at least. Having a baby is a very private, intimate sort of thing and it's important to me that Jo's comfortable with the people that are working with her. Ii know if I were her, I'd want to be comfortable with the people that are looking at my private parts. Anyway, this nurse has been awesome and I'm glad for that. She stands on her tiptoes and checks the biggest monitor, the one that's hooked up to the baby. "Little guy or gal is taking it's sweet time, isn't it there?" She smiles and nods at me. "I'll be upset if he or she decides to come after my shift is over."

"I know we're tired of waiting." I nudge Jo to wake her up because I think that she might want to be awake while the nurse is in here, just in case she has questions for her or anything. The nurse checks the paper that tracks Jo's contractions and goes over to the glove dispenser. "It must be pretty comfortable in there or something." From the corner of my eye, I see the nurse pulling on a pair of purple gloves but I'm too busy watching Jo wake up. She turns her head and her eyelashes flutter as she opens her eyes. "...You've been sleep long enough. Time to wake up." I lean down and kiss her cheek. "Come on...wake up." She closes her eyes again and sighs. "You hungry? You want me to go grab you something?" She shakes her head and rubs her eyes to formally wake herself up. "Thirsty? You want some more orange juice?" She shakes her head again. "You feeling alright?"

She props herself up on her elbows and looks around with an evil look on her face. Jo's always in the worst mood as soon as she wakes up but I hope that she doesn't act as nasty as she usually acts in front of the nurse. She has the WORST attitude when she just wakes up. She sits up and scratches her head, then runs her fingers along her belly. "...My back hurts." To my surprise, she doesn't sound like she's in a bad mood. No, she sounds like she wants to burst into tears. "My back is killing me."

"You want me to rub it?" I scoot over and push her up a little so I can get to her back. "Where does it hurt at?" She doesn't say anything, she just puts her head down. "Jo, are you okay?" She shakes her head. I don't know where her back is hurting at but I press my palms below her shoulder blades anyway.

"Not there...lower. Like...by my hips." I think she's crying by the sound of her voice. The nurse checks the paper that monitors her contractions again and grabs the pager that's hanging around her neck. I push Jo forward a little bit more and start rubbing her lower back. She groans when I push on the middle of it. "Ow...just stop. Stop, stop." She swats at me. "Can I have more pain medicine for this?" She sits up straight and I can see that her face is red and she actually is crying. "My back hurts..."

"You're having back labor, honey. The epidural wouldn't help that." The nurse unhooks Jo's IV. "But you are maxed out on your pain meds, so I'll refill it for you." She hooks more medicine into her IV. "Back labor...it's when your baby's head is pressing against your spine, creating a lot of pressure. The epidural I just refilled might alleviate a little bit of your pain but it won't take it completely away." I open my legs and sit back against the pillows against the headboard so Jo can lay between my legs. She leans back against me and sniffs. I'd rather see her sleep through the entire labor than cry in pain. I don't like seeing her in pain one bit. I stroke her hair back in an attempt to calm her down. "Can you open your legs, honey? I'm gonna see how your cervix is doing." Jo nods and parts her legs for the woman. She peels back the blanket that's covering her lower half and I can tell when she puts her fingers in because Jo tenses up a little. I slide my hands underneath her body and start rubbing her back again and this time, she lets me. "I'm actually gonna page Dr. Wright now. I think we're fixing to have a baby real, real soon." She takes her glove off and throws it away. "You're almost fully dilated and completely thinned out. It's gonna be soon."

"You hear that, babe?" I massage her back a little harder and lean forward so I can kiss her. "We're gonna have a baby soon. Just think about that. I know your back hurts, but just think about how we're having a baby pretty soon." I glance over at the diaper bag over in the corner, that's sitting next to the car seat. The car seat is gray and light orange. It's heavily padded and cushioned for the baby and I'm trying to imagine putting my baby daughter into that car seat and it's insane. The diaper bag is brown and green with monkeys and bananas all over it and it's packed up with diapers, two onesies, a "going home" outfit, a pacifier, a small hairbrush and like seven pairs of socks. Me and Jo packed that last night. "Are you excited babe?" I ask her and she nods slowly.

"Excited for this back pain to go away..." She sniffs and rubs her belly. "The baby ought to be lucky I love it..because this is bull. My back shouldn't hurt like this." She pushes on her belly a little. "...You're getting evicted. You gotta go. It's been nice these last nine months but you've gotta get the heck outta here. Mommy can't do it anymore." Jo shakes her head. "My back hurts so bad that I'm nauseous. I'm literally feeling sick to my stomach. Something about that isn't right."

"Just think that you're doing it for the baby." I chuckle and kiss her cheek for the millionth time. I should probably text everyone and let them know that the doctor's been paged and she's going to start pushing soon. I reach over and grab my phone to text everyone. Mercy's coming and I don't know what to think about that. Of course, I'm over the moon excited about it but at the same time, I'm nervous. There's no going back now. Me and Jo are about to become parents in a little bit. We're about to be responsible for a little girl and I have no idea how to do that. I have no idea how to be a dad. I'll learn how to change diapers and make bottles and all that stuff but how am I going to be a dad? Actually rear a child? I had a really good dad growing up but he's gone now. He's not here to tell me what I'm doing right and wrong. He's not here to let me know how to fix it. I'm just nervous. I have no idea how I'm going to be a good dad to my daughter though...

But ready or not, she's coming.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

Right now, I'm the strangest mixture of excited and nervous. Excited to finally meet my baby boy or baby girl and see who he or she looks like. But nervous because I have no idea how to be a mom. I feel like I'm going to be a good mommy though. It's gonna be a lot of learning but I think me and Alex are going to do a great job. I mean, we love each other...and we have a lot of love to give to our baby. Isn't that all a baby needs is love? And we love it. I'm kind of just hoping that it'll all come together for me. Like...I can't really imagine how to hold my baby, how to change his or her diaper, how to soothe it when it's crying and how to make sure it knows it's okay. But I'm hoping that once I see my baby, I'll just know. I don't have the mother's intuition just yet but maybe when my baby is born, I'll acquire it. But more than nervous, I'm so incredibly excited. I wonder if it's gonna look more like me or more like Alex. I wonder if it's gonna be a boy or a girl. I wonder what it's cry is going to sound like. I wonder if it's gonna know right away that I'm it's mommy. I wonder if he or she is gonna want to be a doctor or a writer. I just can't wait to meet this little miracle. I actually just can't believe this is happening.

"Can you give me some ice, babe?" Although I'm not supposed to move, I turn my body just slightly to look at Alex. He's standing beside my head, texting his mom updates. I'm not supposed to move because I just got put, by my obstetrician, in the proper positioning to push. My butt is all the way at the edge of the bed and my feet are in stirrups. The dark blue towel that the delivery nurses put down on my bed is really fluffy and comfortable. "Alex..." I call his name because he hasn't even budged. He didn't attempt to put his phone down, he didn't move to get me the ice, so I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't hear me. This time, he actually puts his phone down and looks up. "Can you give me some ice? I'm really hot..."

"Yeah." He picks up the cup of crushed ice he went and got for me like twenty minutes ago and scoops a couple pieces up in his hand. I open my mouth and allow him to feed it to me. He grabs another piece from the cup and rubs it all over my forehead. I close my eyes and enjoy it. This whole being in labor thing has it's perks. For once, Alex is waiting on me hand and foot. If I say, "ice", Alex says "how much?" If I say "food", Alex says, "what kind?". I'm loving this and I think I'm gonna milk it just a little bit longer. It's usually me, making his dinner plates, washing his dirty underwear, making sure he eats. Now it's me and I'm loving it. "Is that better?" He keeps rubbing the ice across my forehead and with his other hand, he starts stroking my hair back away from my face. I nod my head and watch what the doctors and nurses are doing around me. Across the room, off in a little corner, two nurses are prepping the warming table for when my baby comes out. The obstetrician is putting on a gown and getting his stool ready. This is actually happening. This is about to happen. I'm about to push and my baby is about to come out. This is so...surreal. "My mom won't stop texting me..."

"Just tell her that I'm about to push and you have to go. Tell her that you'll text her when the baby comes." I prop myself up on my elbows to see what's going on down below. My obstetrician has finally sat down on the stool in front of my bed and he's putting on gloves now. Back when we started going to doctor's visits to check up on the baby during my pregnancy, it really freaked Alex out when he saw that my obstetrician is a man. He was like...breathing down the poor guy's neck during the first visit to make sure he wasn't going to do anything to violate me. And during the second visit, Alex kept making it a point to call me "his wife". He was so weird about having another man look at me but the more he got to know Dr. Wright, the cooler with it he became. Dr. Wright is an excellent doctor and he's been married for 45 years, delivering babies for 40. He has six kids of his own and he delivered two of them.

"Are we ready to have a baby here, Jo?" He turns on his headlight and pulls his mask over his face and nose.

"Beyond ready." I lower myself down so I can lie flat on the bed and look up at the lights. I take a deep breath and calm myself down. I'm not going to lie to myself. I'm terrified right now. I'm so scared right now. I don't know what pushing is going to feel like and I don't know if it's going to hurt me. I'm numb from the waist down right now, so I don't really feel much but what if something happens and the pain stuff wears off and I start feeling it? I'm freaking out...but I gotta calm down. Dr. Wright puts his hands on my knees and pushes my legs back so they're positioned the way he wants them to be positioned. He puts his hands on my bare stomach and pushes on it, probably to see where the baby's head is at. Alex is looking between my legs and that kind of weirds me out a little. I just don't want him to see my crotch stretch and bleed like this...if he sees it like this, he'll never be attracted to it again and we'll never have sex again. "Alex, don't..." I tap him. "Please don't get grossed out by my crotch looking like this. I'll still be sexy to you, won't I?"

Everyone in the room laughs at me, including Alex. "You'll always be sexy to me, babe." He leans down and kisses my lips. "Even when you're 86 years old and you're wrinkly and smell like oatmeal...you'll still be sexy to me."

"Alright ladies and gentlemen...show time." Dr. Wright puts his head down and slides back on his stool a little bit. "I want you to give me just a small push...I want to test this out, see how you do before we really start pushing hard. If we need to make adjustments then we'll make adjustments. Gimme a small push here, Jo." I tuck my chin down into my chest and push, I think? I don't really know how to push, so I think I'm pushing right but I don't know. "Excellent, beautiful push." He taps my knee to let me know I can stop now. I did it? I pushed right? "Are you in any pain?" I shake my head. "Are you feeling a lot of pressure down here in your groin?" I nod. "Good, that's how you're supposed to feel." He taps my knee again. "Now this time, give me a real big push...bear down and gimme a good one. Don't stop until I tell you." I take a deep breath and bear down with my chin like I did last time. "Good, good, good...keep pushing...keep pushing...almost... stop." I stop pushing and I'm so out of breath. I open my eyes and look at Alex. He's focused on my crotch, not me. "You want to hold one of her legs there, dad?" He turns to Alex and without a single word, Alex grabs my leg as if he was waiting for permission to do so. "You nervous, Jo? Scared about pushing?"

"...A little." I admit and try to look between my legs as well but my big belly is in the way.

"Don't be nervous. I'll make this real easy for you." I can't see Dr. Wright's mouth because it's covered by his mask, but I can tell that he's smiling by the way the corners of his eyes wrinkle. "What if I told you that...I'll get you a baby in five more pushes? How does that sound?" I wrinkle my brow at him. "I'm just that good. I'll get you a baby in five more pushes...give or take a push." He pats my knee again. "Let's go again. Let's push..." I purse my lips together, tuck my chin and push again. Pushing doesn't hurt, it's just tiring and I feel like there's a lot of pressure in my groin. My back pain is starting to ease but it still hurts so bad. "Keep pushing and keep pushing and keep pushing...good...good...good...don't stop...good..." I feel his hands push down on my stomach. "You can stop." I open my eyes and look at Alex again. He tilts his head so he can see better. "Alright dad, next push, I want you to grab her calf and her knee and push her leg backwards. That'll open up her pelvis a little more and it needs to be opened. I think we're gonna have a big baby on our hands."

"...Big? We thought it was gonna be small." I'm still out of breath. "We're gonna have a chubby baby." I turn to Alex. He lovingly massages the inside of my knee and cracks a smile. Here I was, thinking that we were going to have a tiny little baby but now Dr. Wright is telling us that my pelvis needs to be opened more because our baby is too big. My baby's gonna be chubby! I can't wait to see it and pinch it's chunky little cheeks and kiss it's hands and feet and mouth. I'm ready to have this baby. "Can I push again? I'm ready to push again." I take a breath. "Is there like...a head?"

"No head yet." Alex mumbles and does as Dr. Wright told him to. He pushes my leg backwards, tucking it into my chest. "This really doesn't hurt you?" I shake my head. "You're doing so good." He leans down and kisses me. "I love you." I don't say it back to him, but only because Dr. Wright taps my knee so I bite my lip, bear down and push again. I really hope I don't poop. I heard that like 75% of all women that give birth end up pooping and I really hope I don't poop in front of my husband. Please don't let me poop. Alex's eyes widen and it kind of makes me blush because really, they might be widening because I just crapped and he might be disgusted. "...Babe, she's got hair..." He smiles, wider than I've EVER seen Alex smile before. "A little bit of dark hair...it's curly." _ So I didn't poop? And why did he call it a she? Does he know that it's a girl? Am I having a baby girl?! _"Jo, oh my god...she has hair."

"It's a girl? Is it a girl?" I give up on pushing for a second because he just made me so excited. My baby has hair! He said it has a little bit of hair, but hair nonetheless. And he called it a "she" twice. Am I having a baby girl? "What does she look like?"

"Nothing yet, just a head." He rubs my legs again. "It's beautiful, really." He turns his head and looks again. Dr. Wright pushes my legs open a little bit more and pushes them back again. My knees are like...in my chest and it doesn't feel good. I'm so uncomfortable but it's only momentarily, so I'll deal with it. I bawl my hands up into fists and bear down with my butt and push again. This is without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done. Like I said before, it doesn't hurt. It really doesn't hurt at all. It's just a lot of pressure and it's really hard to actually push it out. It's so hard to keep enough energy to keep pushing and pushing. "Jo..." Alex starts talking to me but he can't even finish his sentence because he's about to start crying. I want to know what he was about to say though! I can't see, I want to know what's going on.

"And you passed the head..." Dr. Wright starts explaining and thank god for him because Alex is useless right now. All he's doing is watching and crying. "Nurse Jenkins, can I get some suction here?" The nurse hands him a blue snot sucker and I can't deal with not watching anymore. I prop myself up on my elbows so I can see as best as I can. _THAT'S MY BABY! _Dr. Wright is holding the head in one hand and using the other to suction out it's mouth and nose. The rest of it's body is still inside of me but it's head is out. I'm about to cry myself. It's kind of grayish, with red blood and green mucus all over the top of it's matted, wavy hair but it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's eyes are closed and so is it's mouth but Dr. Wright has the sucker in it's mouth and the baby puckered it's lips a little. My body feels like I have to push again so reluctantly, I lie back down on my back and end up pushing again without the instruction to do so. That was the longest push of my labor so far but it felt easier than the last times. When I'm done pushing, I prop myself up again but I can't see as well as I could last time. "Shoulders are out...do you want to reach down and touch your baby before you start pushing again?" I eagerly nod my head and blindly put both my hands down between my legs. I feel something slimy but I don't know what it is really. I sit up a little bit more and I don't think I'm supposed to, but I do anyway. I don't know if I'm supposed to do this either, but I do. I want my baby out NOW. I wrap my hands around the slimy thing I felt and gently but forcibly pull on it. I think I just pulled my baby out. But Dr. Wright said I could touch it...so I just did. "Well, that's one way to do it..." Dr. Wright laughs so I guess it's okay.

I have my baby in my hands right now and I'm trying to see through my tears but I can't. One of the nurses takes the baby off of me and rests it on my chest and I can't stop crying. I look at Alex and he's blubbering like a baby too. I rest my feet back in the stirrups and look down at where my baby is resting on my chest. Alex leans down and kisses me on my lips like he's never kissed me before and his crocodile tears get all over my neck. "I love you..." I say to him and when he pulls away, my entire attention is on my baby. The nurses are roughly rubbing the blood and guts off of it and suctioning out it's mouth and stuff. I sit up a little so I can get a real good look. The baby is lying on it's side, on my chest and it's eyes are squinted, trying to blink but it hasn't even said anything yet. "Hi sweetheart..." I touch it's head and rub it's gooey hair in circles. "Happy birthday..." While I'm having my moment, Alex is handed scissors and the other nurse shows him where to cut the cord. The nurse that's taking care of cleaning my baby forces it's legs open so she can wipe between them off too. When she opens my baby's legs, I look to make myself familiar with it's private parts and I immediately burst out into tears of joy when I see a tiny little penis. It has a penis...it's a boy. "It's a boy..." I look at Alex's hand as he proudly cuts the umbilical cord. "I thought you said it was a girl..."

His face is priceless. I can tell that he's really surprised. "I thought it was a girl." He completely bypasses me and goes straight for the baby. He touches the baby's fingers. "Hey buddy...welcome to the world." He kisses the baby's fingers. "For the longest time, I thought you were a girl...sorry about that. It's not the first time I was wrong...won't be the last either." He keeps kissing the baby's hands. "Can you cry for us, buddy?"

The nurse that cleaned him off scoops him up off my chest and takes him over to the warming table. "Alex, go with him...make sure he's okay." I tap his hand to let him know it's okay if he leaves me. He nods and without question, goes right over to the warming table with our son. I look over there to see as best as I can and I can't really see anything but I can hear my son crying. It's a beautiful sound. Screechy, strong and hard and he sounds like he's mad. He better not have a temper like his dad. I wipe my face free of tears and take a deep breath. This is without a doubt, the greatest day of my life. I can't wait to see him and hold him...

They need to hurry up and clean him up.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"You were supposed to be a girl, dude." I look down at him in my arms and I just get this feeling...every time I look at him I get the same feeling, but each time, it gets stronger and stronger. I didn't know it was possible to feel this proud of something you didn't even do yourself. Jo's talking on the phone to my mom so I have him all to myself for a moment. I didn't know how to hold him at first but the nurse showed me right after she wrapped him up in a blanket and I haven't forgotten. I don't need to be shown anymore. "All this time, I thought you were a girl and you come out with a little pickle. Really, dude?" He's perfect. I've never really ever been into babies but this baby right here? He's the best baby in the world. Is it bad that I can't stop looking at him? He has a little bit of brown hair on his head. His hair is really soft and it lies down perfectly forward. His eyes are closed and he's sleeping but he still looks perfect. It's pretty needless to say how surprised I was when I looked between his legs and saw male parts instead of female parts. But I didn't know how much I wanted a boy until I actually had one. "Mommy's usually right, but I'm not always wrong. You just tricked me." I put my finger in the palm of his hand and smile when he squeezes it. "Good grip, bud. You're gonna lift weights with me." He puckers his lips and starts blowing spit bubbles. "Or we can play soccer, whichever you prefer."

I walk over to the couch across the room and sit down so I can rest my arm while I'm holding him. He's got some weight to him and my arm was getting a little tired. He's a pretty big boy. He's eight pounds and 15 ounces of weight and though he's not heavy when you first pick him up, his eight, almost nine, pounds can really take a toll on you. "So I've got some stuff I gotta tell you." I rub his tiny fingers with my thumb. "You have a grandma and a grandpa that will probably get on your nerves but they make good food, so we keep 'em around. Your aunt is the most annoying person in the family though. Just tell me if she annoys you..I'll make her stop." He moves his head and keeps sleeping. "Your mommy..." I sigh. "Your mommy's amazing. Just give it a couple days, you'll see. You'll love her and you'll love seeing her and when she kisses you, you're gonna be able to tell that she loves you. Take this from me. And trust me when I say you've got a good mommy. And you gotta be nice to her...even when you hate her, be nice to her. Because you don't want to piss your mommy off. Trust me on that too. Don't piss her off. It's not worth the hour long lecture you'll get...and it's not worth the punch in the face you might get. So just stay on mommy's good side and just remember that she loves you. After all...you're her only blood relative, so she'll have a special connection with you that she doesn't have with anybody else." I kiss his hand. "Now your old man...he doesn't know what he's doing. But he's learning and he'll get there. Just be patient with me." I rub his fingers some more. "...And I hope you like dogs because you've got a great big one. He likes to bark a lot but he's actually a teddy bear, so don't worry about that." I lower my face down and kiss his forehead. A million things are running through my mind, all the things I want to teach my son. I want to teach him to play baseball, basketball, soccer, football, wrestling...all of that. And I want to teach him that Captain Crunch is a shitty cereal because it shreds the roof of your mouth. But most of all, I want to teach him right from wrong. I don't want him to make the mistakes I did. I don't want him to run around treating women like dogs and I want him to have a good relationship with his mother throughout his entire life. I want to teach him to be a man. "I love you so much, buddy." I whisper to him. I want to teach him a lot of things but I guess we'll start with how to suck on a bottle.

"Baby, bring him here...let me see." Jo finally hangs up after being on the phone with my mom for the last fifteen minutes. She sits up and preps her arms for him. It was nice enjoying alone time with just me and my son but I understand that Jo wants to see him. She hasn't held him much since he was born two hours ago. He's been in nurses' hands, my hands, pediatrician's hands...I think Jo's only held him like twice. I stand up and carry the baby over to her. "Oh...hi honey." She takes him out of my arms and it's crazy to see how natural Jo looks with him. She doesn't look like a new mom, she looks like a seasoned professional. "Hi...are you sleepy, darling?" She kisses his little lips. "You look like your daddy..." _Really? Because I think he looks like you. _"...We have to name you...yes we do." I sit down on the bed next to her and just watch her with our son. She's so in love already. I'm so glad the treatments actually worked. "...You have any name suggestions?" She asks me, carefully examining the baby from head to toe. She's looking at his nostrils, his lips, his eyes...everything.

"Not really. I was expecting a Mercy, so I didn't even think of boy names." I notice that baby boy has a freckle by his mouth that mirrors the beauty mark Jo has by hers. "I like Jacob. Jake for short. Or Jace. What do you think?"

"Jace is okay but he doesn't look like a Jace." She lies him down on the bed in front of her and unwraps his blanket so she can continue with her head-to-toe examination. "He doesn't look like a Jacob or a Jace to me." She picks up his feet and looks at his toes. She leans down and kisses his heels. He has rings in his legs from the chunkiness and a big pot belly. He's such a little chunky thing but the weight just makes him cuter, I think. Jo gently brushes her thumb across the yellow clip on his belly, where they clamped his cord off at. "I know what he looks like." She picks him up and throws him over her shoulder, stroking his back, which has two little rolls in it. "And it's not a Jacob or a Jace."

"What do you like then? I don't hear you throwing out suggestions. All you do is shoot mine down." I pull the baby's long-sleeved t-shirt down to cover his back better. The thing that's freaking me out the most is how he's considered a big baby because he's an eight, almost nine, pounder. But he's still so teeny. He's only about the size of a football and he's considered a big boy. Seeing him laying on Jo's shoulder like he is right now put it in perspective for me. He's so little and fragile and breakable.

"He looks like an Alex." She kisses his lips again and takes him off her shoulder. He starts whining and moving his feet around. "Ooooh, buddy..." She lies him back down on the bed and rubs his belly as she reaches over on the table to grab a pacifier. I don't know how she's so natural at this. It's like she's had a few babies before. She sticks the pacifier in his mouth and holds it there until he gets the hang of sucking on it. "Yeah, that's better...that's better...isn't it, Alex?" She strokes his feet again. "Alex..."

"Don't call him that. That's not his name." All sense of playfulness in my voice is gone and I'm being deadly serious here. "Don't call him that, Jo."

"But why?" She smiles and leans down to kiss his forehead. "Alexxx..." She sings my name to the baby and I can tell she's loving it. "Hi buddy..."

"Because, Jo. I don't like it and I don't want my son to be named that. Now come on...please have my back on this. I don't like it." I shake my head. "I told you that I don't want a Jr. and I meant that."

"Seriously Alex, listen." She scoops him up again. "Alexander James Michael Karev." She rocks back and forth with the baby in her arms. "I've been thinking about this for a while now. Alexander James Michael Karev...that way he's not an Alex Jr...and James after your dad."

"...Jo..."

"I'm being so serious. I know you don't want to, but I do. I want to name him after you for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I hope he's grows up to be half the man you are." I look away from her when she says that. She can't possibly mean that. I'm not a good man...certainly not good enough to place that burden on my son. "And because...god forbid you ever get another woman pregnant..and she names her son after you. I don't want that to happen. I want to do it first. So for that reason...but mostly because I really hope that our son grows up to be the man you are. I know you don't want to, but I want to name him after you. He doesn't have to be a Jr. but I would really like for him to have the name, 'Alexander' too. And if you really don't want me to call him 'Alex', I won't. I'll call him AJ...or something."

I sigh. "Alexander James Michael Karev, eh?" I guess it does kind of have a ring to it. And if she thinks I'm worth of having our son named after me then maybe I am just a little bit worthy. Jo's never wrong about things like this. "...Come here, Big Al."

I guess his name is okay.


	67. Without You

**A/N:** Little bit of mild **M **rated language in this.

* * *

For the second time in two days, I actually have to think about where I am when I wake up. This room is not like the first room I woke up in. The first room I woke up in had tan-colored walls and a picture of a naked newborn. This room is very different from that room, to say the least. This room has bright green walls with pictures of flowers hanging up and unlike when I woke up the last time, I don't hear any beeping from monitors. I lift my head from the comfortable pillow it was laying on and look around. I don't recognize where I am. I don't recognize the green walls, the flowers, the wooden frame of the bed I'm lying in. Since when did my room have white tiled floors instead of brown? Since when was there a rug next to my bed? I lift my arm up so I can move my hair out of my face and find that the bend in my arm is extremely, extremely sore. I turn my head to check if I can see what exactly is making my arm so sore and I'm surprised but unfazed to see a piece of gauze taped to my forearm. I still have an IV in my hand but the gauze is something new.

I turn my arm over and examine the wristbands I have on my arm. They're the same as they were yesterday when I looked at them. A white one with my name, birthday, age and patient number on it, used to identify me. One with a list of my allergies on it, the sole item listed is wool. And a third bracelet with the name of my baby on it—a bracelet that has two other duplicates; one around my baby's ankle and the other around Alex's wrist too. There is a new bracelet on my wrist, however; one that wasn't there yesterday. It's fire-engine red and it has the word, "ALLERGY" written on it in black letters. I twist the bracelet around to see if there's any other words on the bracelet—like maybe what exactly I'm allergic to...because the only allergy I have that I know of is wool. Sometimes I get hives when I'm stressed but that doesn't make me allergic to stress, does it?

I turn my head towards where Alex should be because maybe he can tell me when this bracelet got on my wrist. "Alex..." I stop talking after I get his name out. I partly stop talking because he's actually not sitting on the orange couch in the corner of my room but the other reason I stop talking is because my throat is uncomfortably dry and almost unbearably sore. It's not the kind of sore that it would be if I were sick with a cold or something. No, it's sore like something foreign was jammed down it. I put my hand on my throat and rub it from the outside and find that I can feel the soreness on the inside from the outside as well. I swallow a little bit of spit to lubricate my vocal cords but it still doesn't help the soreness in my throat. I feel tears prick at the corners of my eyes but I'm not sure if I'm ready to cry for the fact that Alex isn't here or if I'm ready to cry over the fact that my throat hurts so bad. I blink back the tears as soon as a plastic cradle next to my bed catches my attention. It's a little far away from me but it's next to the bed still. I'll have to get up to get to it but that's a risk I'm willing to take because I know what—or who, rather—is in that cradle and I want him. Alex probably went to get something from the cafeteria because even though I don't know exactly what time it is, the sun peeking through the blinds that line the window lets on that it's sometime in the early morning hours.

I eagerly swing my legs over the side of my bed but I'm taken aback by the soreness in the backs of my knees and between my leg and I realize that I should probably slow down. I hold onto the wooden table directly next to my bed and pick myself up onto my feet. My gown falls past my knees and it's not until now when I realize that I'm donning a completely different wardrobe than I was yesterday. My gown is a fresh, light blue one and it's tied neatly around my back. I have a pair of fuzzy blue socks on too. Whatever went on last night that I don't remember, is beyond me. And now I finally realize why I was fixing to cry a minute ago. I feel like I felt all those years back, after I got out of the shower and noticed that I had welts all over my body; back when I realized that my best friend's boyfriend raped me the night before. I don't know what happened to me last night that caused me to be redressed in clothes that I don't recognize, relocated in a room that I don't recognize and with a red allergy bracelet that I don't remember being put around my wrist. I don't remember what happened to me and it's not a good feeling...because I've felt this way before. I blink the tears back once again and grip the wooden table harder for support. I fashion one foot in front of the other and slowly make my way over to the plastic cradle, so I can see the only person that could make me feel better right now.

When I finally get to the cradle, my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and literally makes me nauseous when I see that it's empty. Inside it is powder blue bedding and a white blanket with giraffes all over it—a blanket that I packed in my baby's diaper bag before we came to the hospital. At the head of the cradle is a little stuffed Winnie The Pooh doll, and hanging on the side of the cradle is a blue paper with a stork on it. I read over it. "Baby boy Karev. Height: 20in. Weight: 8-15. Birth Date: 6/3. Pediatrician: RD." So he's supposed to be in this cradle, but he's not. Where is he? I put both my hands down on the table I was just holding onto and put my head down. I stare at the floor tiles and try to think of something to make me smile so I won't start crying like I want to right now. I don't know what happened to me, I don't know where my husband is and this just in: my newborn baby isn't in his cradle where he's supposed to be. I make my way back to the bed and sit down with my feet still resting on the floor. I cover my face with my hands and take a couple deep breaths to calm myself down.

Where the hell is my baby? Where is my husband? What are the chances of the two of them being gone at the same time? And why would Alex just leave me alone like this? Didn't he think about how I would feel when I woke up? Unless he _had _to leave. _What if something happened to the baby and he had to go be with him?_ No. He would've woken me up to tell me that something was wrong with the baby. _Unless whatever it was happened suddenly and he didn't have time to wake me. _What reason could Alex and Alex be gone at the same time? What other reason could it be? Something had to have happened with baby Alex and big Alex had to go be with him. Those are the only options. _Why do I always think the worst? _Maybe big Alex really is in the cafeteria...that doesn't account for the baby, but at least I can think of where one of my boys might be. Wherever my baby is, I swear it shouldn't be legal for them to just take him without my permission. They should really ask me if they can take him. _Unless there really WAS a medical emergency and they HAD to take him without my permission. _Oh god. I knew he was too perfect to be true. He came out perfectly healthy, he cried for us, he slept...he was too perfect to be mine. I don't get perfect things. I'm not lucky enough to get perfect things. There are so many things that could've happened to him. He could've...he could've... I can't even bear the thought. Just know that there is a such thing as SIDS.

Okay, I need to see my baby now. Or Alex. I don't care which one. I need to see one of my boys because I'm freaking out. I'm literally thinking the absolute worst right now and it's causing me to freak myself out. I swipe my hair out of my face and look around the empty room again. Next to the couch is the baby's car seat and inside the car seat is his diaper bag. On the couch is Alex's black jacket and his cell phone. I thought about calling him for a brief moment but after seeing that his phone is on the couch and not in his possession, I see that it would be useless for me to do that. Suddenly, the door to my room bursts open and I'm expecting to see a nurse to tell me what the hell is up with them taking my baby away but then again, I think it'd be best if a nurse didn't come in here WITHOUT my baby because then that would mean that something is horribly wrong with him. Anyway, it's Alex that comes through the door. He's alone and he's carrying nothing but a thermos of coffee. He looks like he needs coffee. His hair is strewn in a million different directions, his eyes are low and he looks extremely tired and worn down. He shuts the door behind himself without looking up. When he finally does look up, his eyes widen and his jaw drops...was he not expecting to see me?

"Jo..." He puts his coffee down on top of a needle disposal box and comes over to the bed. He throws his arms around me and hugs me so tight that it hurts. "Baby..." He pulls away from me and looks at me with tears lining the rims of his eyes. He's about to cry AND he called me "baby" again. Make that three times in the entire six years we've been together that he's called me "baby". He puts his hand underneath my chin and strokes my cheek with his other one. "You're awake...how are you feeling? How are you..." His voice cracks so he stops talking altogether. Alex does not cry around me at all so whatever it is that's going on with him must be serious.

"...Why wouldn't I be awake?" Even though my arms hurt, I raise them and hug him back because now, he seems like he needs the hug more than I do. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and squeezes me tighter. I can't breathe at this point but I let it go anyway. I put my hands on the back of his head and rub his hair. "Baby...you need to let me go." I choke out. "Seriously...I can't breathe. I can't breathe." He loosens me but doesn't completely let go. When he shifts his positioning, I feel the wetness of his tears on my neck. "Alex, why wouldn't I be awake?" He says nothing, he just sniffs. "Did something happen to me?"

He backs away from me and I'm a little bit frightened by his face. I've only seen Alex cry like twice since we've been together. Once when he was trying to get me to forgive him for showing up at my house drunk and grabbing me and the other time was yesterday when our son was born. I've seen him cry sorry tears and I've seen him cry happy tears. These tears...I think they're scared tears. I've never seen his face like this before. His eyes are red and he looks like his entire life was taken from him at one point. "You don't remember?" His voice is stringy and rugged. I slowly shake my head because I don't want to alarm him. "You remember them taking your epidural out last night?" I nod. I do remember that. Hurt like hell, I remember that. "You asked for a different kind of pain medicine though...'cause your back was hurting still. So they hooked some morphine in your IV and you fell asleep..." I remember asking for more medicine and I remember the morphine and I remember sleeping. I slept like a baby. "I went to wake you up...'cause the baby woke up. And you were slumped over and you weren't breathing. So I called for a nurse and the one nurse took the baby out of the room and told me that I should leave but I didn't. I watched them do all kinds of crazy shit to you and none of it was working so they put water in your IV to clean the morphine out of your system." He sniffs and wipes off his face. "And they put a tube down your throat and you started breathing again...you woke up for a little bit but you weren't really conscious, you were just fighting the tube and they took it out but you went to sleep again...and you didn't wake up again." He shakes his head. "...You're allergic to morphine, you know..."

"I didn't know that." I put my tongue in my cheek. I did not know that I'm allergic to morphine. I just knew that I'm allergic to wool and I found that out when I was six. I wrapped myself in a wool blanket and broke out in hives all over my body and I couldn't stop sneezing. And every time I'm around wool clothing or sheep-skin anything, I sneeze and break out. But I didn't know about the morphine. And that scares me to death. I blink my eyes and more tears stream down. I'm terrified. "Where's Alex?" My arms start shaking and I feel my chest tightening. I start breathing haggardly and I can't stop it. "Where's the baby? Where's the baby?!" I stand up and despite the pain in my legs, I go right over to the cradle without holding onto anything. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I start tearing the bedding out of the cradle. "WHERE IS MY BABY?! I NEED MY BABY...ALEX, I NEED HIM..."

"Jo, calm down!" Alex grabs my arms and forcibly pulls me away from the cradle. "You're still not 100% okay yet...you need to calm down." He pulls me but I resist him.

"'NO, GET OFF ME! GET OFF! I NEED MY BABY...WHERE'S MY BABY!" I try to wriggle my arms out of his grasp but I should know better. Alex is so much stronger than me. "GET OFF, GET OFF! GET OFFF..." Once I get the picture that he's not going to let me go, my knees go weak and I fall but Alex catches me and ends up sitting on the floor with me. "Where's my baby..." Alex starts rubbing my hair. "They can't just take him like that...I need him with me..."

"He's up in the nursery...he's just getting checked out...he's fine. You need to calm down." He holds me and although we're on the floor, he finds a way to rock back and forth with me. He puts his lips to my forehead. "You need to calm down...worry about yourself. Alex is fine..."

"No he's not..." I stare blankly ahead, tears rolling down my cheeks. "Because of me...he's not okay. He's not okay." My jaw starts trembling. I'm a bad mother already. I'm a bad mother. I'm scared to death and I'm a bad mother. No, Alex is not okay...and it's because of me that he's not. "He'll never be okay, don't you see?" I hiccup. "I didn't know I was allergic to morphine..."

"How does that put Alex in jeopardy, Jo? You just need to calm down. I promise you, he's fine. I just went up to take a look at him before I came back from the cafeteria. He's okay."

"...I don't know anything about me." I look him in his eyes and bite my lip to try and stop the tears from flowing. "I didn't know I was allergic to morphine and it almost killed me...I don't know anything about myself." More tears fall. "I don't know what my mom...my real mom was allergic to. I don't know what my real dad was allergic to. I don't know if they had...diabetes, heart disease, Down Syndrome, high cholesterol, high blood pressure...I don't know what runs in my family. I don't have a family... but I belonged to someone once upon a time. I came from someone that passed their genes on to me and now I've passed my genes on to our son and I don't know what that means. I don't know if he's going to develop something that ran in my family. I...I don't even know about myself. I don't know my nationality, where I came from, if anyone in my family died of cancer once upon a time. I don't even know if May 5th is my real birthday..." I look away from him. "I don't know what I've passed on to him. So no...Alex is not okay."

He rubs my shoulders. "...I know." He kisses my temple. "And I know that sucks for you and I know how scary it is for you to have to live with not knowing. Believe me, I know this Jo." He rests his chin on top of my head and strokes my hair back. "But right now, we have a baby boy. And he's perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears...he's perfect. A little on the heavier side, but he's perfect. And whatever comes with you and your unknown genes, we'll deal with that. I love him and I love you and I love that he's part of the both of us. If you two get cancer, I'll spend the rest of my life kissing both your bald heads. If he gets heart disease then he can have my heart. If he gets diabetes, we'll make sure he eats right. If he has Down Syndrome, he'll still be perfect. I don't know much about genes, babe. I don't know much about anything. But what I do know is that last night, for twenty minutes, I was forced to think about life without you. And I thought about having to raise our son by myself...shitty genes and all. And it just made me realize that I don't want to do that. I just want to spend the rest of my life with the both of you. Doesn't matter to me if I have to spend it with my cancer wife and my cancer son, I just want the rest of my life with you two. Whatever it is that we have to deal with Jo, we'll deal with it. We have each other and now we have our son and it's going to be fine. I know it's scary, but don't think about the scary stuff. Think about the fact that we get to raise a baby together...okay?"

I nod my head and stay in his arms for a moment longer. "...Why'd they take him to the nursery?" I sniff and wipe my face off. "What is he having done up there?"

"They're just checking him to make sure everything's okay. I watched for a little bit. They were checking his reflexes, his sucking, his knees, his legs, his feet. They tested his grip and his hearing and his sight. And I asked them if they could take some of his blood." I look at him and wrinkle my brow. "They took some out of his umbilical cord and tested it and nothing showed up but they took some out of his arm too. I just.." He sighs. "I wanted to know what our little guy is allergic to too. They said they'd take a tube of his blood and run a bunch of different tests on it. I hope that's okay..."

"He's your son too. You make decisions about him too." I nod my head. I'm secretly beaming that he thought to ask the doctors to run blood tests on Alex. If he didn't ask them to, I would've asked anyway. I want to know what's going on with my baby. I want to know if he's a carrier for anything horrible and of course, I want to know if he's developed anything from me or any unknown allergies...like morphine, for example. "Good thinking, babe." I mumble that last part.

"Thanks." He stands up off the floor and helps me up. "They should be bringing him back soon, actually. When I was up there, the nurse that was checking him out came over and gave me an update. She told me that they were almost done with his exam and he was passing everything with flying colors. They said they wanted to bring him back so you could either try to nurse him or bottle feed him because he hasn't eaten in a while. He's fine though...last time I checked, he was flirting with the baby girl in the bed next to his." He steadies me on my feet. "They also asked me if we wished to have him clipped but I told them I didn't know...I said I had to talk to you about it first."

"Clipped?" I raise my eyebrow.

"...Circumcised." He mutters.

"...I don't know about that." I shake my head. I think I'm actually just a little bit against circumcision. I've seen it be done to a baby before and it was horrible. They strapped the poor baby down by it's arms and legs and gave it a shot in it's little penis. It's barbaric. "I really don't know about that, Alex. I-"

"I'm circumcised." He shrugs his shoulders.

"I know, but I..." I close my eyes. "I've seen it happen before and it's horrible. They strap them down like little animals and cut their penises. I don't know if I want that to happen to him. I'd rather just deal with it. It's not that big of a deal to not have it circumcised, is it?"

"...I would kind of like it if he is." He sits down on the bed and looks at me. "There's really no reason to have the extra skin there. It would make it easier to bathe him. You won't have to pull the extra stuff back, you could just wipe it and it'll be clean automatically. I would like for him to be. I want him to look like me."

"...But I don't want him to be in any pain. I mean seriously, there's no reason for him to be circumcised. It's just a little extra skin. I'll teach him how to clean it properly when he gets older. He doesn't need to be. We're not religious...it's just a personal preference. There's no reason for them to cut his penis. His penis is fine. I love it just the way it is. I don't want him to be circumcised." I shake my head again, firm on the issue.

"Jo, just think. It's a lot of work to pull it back just to clean it. And what if he has poor hygiene? All little boys go through that phase where they don't want to wash up. I went through it. So think about that. Even after we show him how to clean it, it doesn't mean that he'll listen. And then he'll get infections under the extra skin because he doesn't know how to listen to us when we tell him how to clean it. Just think about it Jo. It's so much easier to have him circumcised. And what about when he gets older? In this day and age, everyone gets circumcised. What if he gets made fun of in the locker room and stuff? All because we didn't get him circumcised..."

"I don't care if people make fun of my baby's penis." I shrug my shoulders. "It's not for him to impress anybody."

"But Jo, come on. What if he'll want it circumcised someday? And he'll resent us for not getting it done. I got circumcised when I was a baby and I'm just fine. I'm kind of an expert with the whole penis thing and I really think that we should have him circumcised."

"No. I don't want some unnecessary cosmetic procedure done on him if he doesn't need it. The only reason you think he should have it done is because you don't want it to look ugly. You should love his penis the way it is. I do. And I don't want my baby's penis to be cut up."

He sighs. "...But he's my boy." He shakes my head. "I want him to look like me. It's just...it's a pride thing. I want my son to be circumcised."

"But Alex, the way they hold them down and cut their little..." I poke my lip out. "It's horrible."

"You know how many babies a day get circumcised, Jo? They all turn out fine." He nudges me with his elbow. "Come on. Give him a chance to actually look like a man. You're babying him before he even gets a chance. One day—and he WILL ask—but once day when he asks, 'mom, dad, why do I still have that skin and the rest of the football team doesn't?' What are we supposed to tell him? 'Sorry son, but your mother didn't want you to be in pain so we just left it'? We're depriving him of his manhood, Jo. Give the boy a chance."

I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about it." I roll my eyes. "Fine. We can get him circumcised. But I swear, if I hear my baby cry even once because he's in pain, I'm smacking you. Every time he cries when we change his diaper, every time he cries when we rub Vaseline on it, I'm smacking you."

"Fair deal." He nods.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"You gettin' somethin' outta there, bud?" His cheeks are bobbing with his sucking motions and I can feel the bottle moving too. I move the bottle to the side like Jo taught me how to. She said that I'm supposed to hold it at an angle and if I see bubbles in it, I'm holding it wrong. I don't see bubbles so maybe I'm holding it right, but I don't feel like it's at an angle. It's kind of neat how he's drinking Jo's breastmilk. I find it amazing how her boobs have milk in them and he drinks it. Just think about how crazy that is. A female's breasts get full of milk and that's how they feed their babies. Just think about if there was no such thing as formula. Amazing, isn't it? I lower my face down and kiss the top of his head. I reckon that I kiss this little boy at least fifty times a day, maybe more. It's also amazing how I'm actually holding him in my arms right now. Me and Jo made him and now I'm holding him. He looks like me, sorta. He has my eye shape and sort of my mouth. And he eats like me. He's a big boy. He eats like twice every hour. He's got my appetite. "So what do you think of home? You like it?"

I'm sitting on the couch while I'm feeding him. Jo's upstairs in the shower because her friend is coming over to meet 'lil man pretty soon. Vader is lying down on the floor in front of the TV. We only got home like three hours ago so I don't really think that he's formally noticed the baby just yet. Jo wrapped him up in Alex's receiving blanket so he could get used to his scent and he hasn't moved since. I think that was a good idea, for Jo to wrap the dog in Alex's blanket, I mean. I check the level of the bottle and see that he's almost sucked down the entire thing. I ease the bottle out of his mouth and when I take it out, he's still sucking. He's pushing milk out of his mouth as he keeps sucking without the bottle, and the milk spills down his chin and runs down to the back of his neck. It's not long until he realizes that there is no bottle in his mouth and he stops with the sucking motion. "Ohhhhkay, buddy." I reach across my body and grab the spit rag Jo insists that I use while feeding him. I gently wipe the milk from the creases of his neck and throw the rag over my shoulder when I'm done. Very carefully, I rest 'lil man on my shoulder and pat his back to burp him.

I don't really think life gets much better than this right here. It's strange to think back to the man I used to be, before all of this. Before Jo, before our road trip and before the little guy propped up on my shoulder. I don't even feel like the same person. I feel like the person I used to be and the person I am now are two totally different people. How could I have not wanted to get married and have kids before? How else would I have spent my life? It's weird how he's only been here for three days and I already can't imagine life without him. I can't remember what me and Jo did without him. I don't want this life any other way now that we've got him. "Are you gonna burp for me?" I rub his back in a circle then resume patting it. This isn't the first time I've burped him. Last time I burped him, Jo yelled at me for not patting his back hard enough. I guess maybe I could do more than just tap his back the way I do, but he's just so little. I don't want to break him or anything. "Come on, buddy...burp for me." I turn my head to look him at his face. His eyes are closed and his lips are perfectly aligned together. He's not even thinking about burping, it seems.

I've been trying to put it aside, but every now and again, the thought of living without Jo creeps into my mind. I never used to think about it before, but ever since the incident that happened yesterday, I can't stop thinking about it. I really thought I was going to have to do this without her and that scared the crap out of me. I keep thinking about how Alex started crying. I didn't know what to do with him so I just decided to wake Jo up. I tapped her and she didn't budge. So I shook her and when I shook her, her head rolled around limply and I noticed that she wasn't breathing. I thought she was joking at first, trying to get me to leave her alone or something. But she really wasn't breathing and she had a red strawberry-like bruise on her cheek. So I called for the nurse and they took the baby out of the room and started giving her CPR. It occurred to me at that moment that I might have to live without her. And then another thought brushed across my mind. That maybe, if Jo was dead, I should be dead too...because if I had to live without her, being dead would hurt less than that. The nurses knew right away that she was having a reaction to the morphine. I guess that was a common issue, for people to have that kind of reaction to morphine. It never stopped her heart and although it seemed that way, she actually didn't stop breathing. Her airway was really constricted so it was tough for her to breathe but she was doing it through her nose somehow. They flushed her system with water to get the morphine out and gave her an IV full of Benadryl to get the allergic reaction under control. Within seconds, she stabilized, fought the tube they stuck down her throat and the red mark on her cheek went away.

The amount of Benadryl they gave her knocked her out cold for hours but it took the reaction right away. It just really freaked me out to see her like that. Her body was so limp and lifeless and I never want to see my wife like that again. It just made me think of her in a casket and I never, ever, ever want to think about that. I didn't go to sleep that night. Instead, I sat up and watched her. They kept Alex in the nursery for the night and I just watched Jo all night. I never realized how much I take watching her chest pump up and down in the tune of her breathing for granted until that night. I watched her all night. The doctors came in and drew six tubes of blood from her arm and I held her hand during that. I realized that she probably wouldn't feel it since she was knocked out from the Benadryl, but I still felt like I should hold her hand. She's alright...and I still make it a point to thank the high heavens that I don't have to live without her. If I had to live without her, I wouldn't have. I'd rather die and that's the god-honest truth.

I scoot 'lil man over on my shoulder just a little bit and put my lips to his tiny ones. He still hasn't burped for me, so I start patting his back again; harder this time. When I start burping him again, Vader stands up from his resting place and stretches out his front legs, hind legs, then yawns. He circles around the coffee table and sits next to the couch. "Hey Vade..." I rub the spot on the couch next to me and although Jo doesn't allow him on the couch, I let him spring up on it anyway. "Wanna see the baby?" I take Alex off my shoulder and hold him normally, in my arms. I scoot towards Vader and hold the baby out just a little. "Look, Vade. Look." He starts sniffing the top of the baby's head. Jo was really worried about how Vader's going to react to the baby. I think he's doing well. He sniffs the baby's hand. He sniffs his head again then growls. "Vader, no. No. Be nice to the baby, boy. He's your brother..."

"That's enough experimenting for one day." Jo walks down the steps with baby clothes in her hands. She's wearing a pair of my sweatpants and a loose-fitting t-shirt. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail and she has no makeup on. She's really tired. So tired that I'm not sure her friend coming over is a good idea. She should be lying down somewhere. Her body's been through a lot within the last few days. "Make him get down if he's going to growl, because if he bites my baby I'm going to beat the living shit out of him." She hands me the clothes she has in her hands. "Can you change him? I'm about to go cook dinner."

"Sure." I unfold the clothes and put them down on the couch next to me. Jo walks into the kitchen and turns the light on. I point to the floor and Vader catches my drift about getting down. "What do you want me to do about the rest of this milk? He didn't drink it all. Should I put it in the fridge or see if he wants it again?" I lie Alex down on the couch too and gently pull off the pair of brown pants he has on. "And where are the diapers? Can you bring me one? The strip down the middle is blue...doesn't that mean he pissed?"

"Yes." She comes back into the living room again, this time carrying a diaper, a container of wipes and a jar of petroleum jelly. "If the strip's blue it means he peed." She puts all of it down on the coffee table and picks up the half-drunken bottle of breast milk. "I'll put this milk in the fridge. He'll probably be hungry in a little while...all you'll have to do is stick it in the warmer on the counter..." She stifles a yawn. "Don't forget to rub some Vaseline on the inside of his pamper...and make sure he's not bleeding." She walks back into the kitchen.

I unbutton his onesie and carefully loop his arms through the arm holes. I hold his head in one hand and pull the onesie over his head with the other. I lie him back down on the couch and unstrap his diaper. Before I take his diaper off, I open up the clean one and stick it in my mouth so my hands are free. I hold his feet with one hand and pull the diaper off with the other. I toss the dirty diaper on the coffee table and put the clean one underneath his butt. He's still very, very fresh out of the womb. His skin hasn't gotten full color yet and his butt is still reddish. His junk is all swollen though, from him being clipped yesterday. My boy is tough, by the way. They brought him back from being clipped and he didn't shed not one tear. I rub a little bit of Vaseline on the base of his diaper and strap him up. I fold his diaper down, away from his umbilical clip and grab the thin onesie Jo wants me to put on him. It's white with bananas all over it and his pants are yellow too. I guess she wanted me to change him because he was dressed in regular clothes. He had on a pair of brown pants, a yellow onesie and a brown jacket, complete with thick white socks. The clothes she gave me to change him into are more pajama-ish. As soon as I start working the yellow pants up his legs, he starts shrieking.

His face tunes up, his nose crinkles, his eyebrows wrinkle, he shows off his gums and he screams. "Oh, I know buddy...I hate pants too. But we've gotta wear 'em. Too much sexiness floating around if you don't wear pants. Just imagine if you didn't wear pants...then I'd walk around without pants too and all the sexiness would kill mommy. And we like mommy, we wanna keep her around. So we gotta wear pants." I secure the pants on his waist and pick him up. He's still screaming at me though. His cry is hard, strong, manly even. "Don't yell at me..." I hold him in my arms and bounce him a little. "I'm sorry...you want a bubba?" I stand up and walk him to the kitchen. "Or how about a pacifier?" I grab one off the counter and stick it under the hot water Jo's already running to clean off the chicken she's about to fry for dinner. "Here, how's this?" I stick the pacifier in his mouth and that shuts him up. He starts sucking on it hard. "There we go." I hold onto his hand and sway back and forth with him. I'm trying really hard to be good at this dad thing. I already love spending time with him, so that's not an issue. I just hope I'm doing good. I'm still getting used to holding him right and stuff. I look up at Jo, who's busily flitting around the kitchen trying to gather up everything she needs for dinner. I can tell she's not really herself yet. I think she's hurting between her legs but I know if I tell her to sit down, she won't listen to me. I look back down at the baby and find that his eyes are wide open and he's looking at me. "Hey! What's up, dude? What are you looking at?" He doesn't open his eyes often but I wish he would. "I'm...probably not a very good sight to see when ya first wake up, but look...there's mommy." I turn him so he can see Jo. "She's pretty, ain't she?"

Jo puts down the sack of flour she just took from the cabinet and walks over to the both of us with a warm, beautiful smile. "Hi Alex." She kisses his forehead and brushes her finger over his nose. "Alexxxx...whatcha doin', buddy? Are you hangin' out with daddy?" She rubs his cheek and makes a face at him. "Give mommy that binky." She pulls the pacifier out of his mouth and kisses his lips. "Mwahh...thank you, buddy. Love you..." She puts the pacifier back in his mouth and goes back to making dinner. "What do you want with the chicken? You okay with macaroni and green beans? Or do you want something else?"

"Macaroni and green beans is cool. What time is Stephanie coming over to see him? I kinda want to take a shower myself." I rub his hair forward to make sure it lays down correctly.

"Bring his swing in here, sit it by the island and stick him in it. You can go take a shower...I can look after him and make dinner. And Steph's coming over at 6." She puts a box of macaroni on the counter and searches for a can of green beans. I really wish she'd take it easy. She just had a baby three days ago. "Oh yeah, and we're going to Kansas next week. Me, you and Alex. We're taking a plane to Kansas." My face falls and she notices. "Don't be like that, Alex. Your mom, Amber and your stepdad all deserve to get a chance to meet him. And you know your mom is dying to. We can't make her wait forever. She's his grandma...and you know how I feel about having people like his grandparents in his life. I scheduled our flight for next Thursday morning, which means we should get to the house Thursday evening. We're going to stay until Sunday evening. That should give her ample time to bond with him and get to know him. And she said something about your relatives wanting to see him too, and having a cookout on Friday. So get ready because we're going."

"You don't want to meet those people, do you buddy?" I look down at him. He squints his eyes, blinks and closes them again.

That was a no.


	68. Mad

"So how are you feeling?" She sits down on the couch next to me and turns to face me. She folds her legs underneath her body and nudges her glasses up on the bridge of her nose with her index finger. Slowly I turn my body too, so I'm not being rude and facing away from her once we start talking. I see her eyes scanning around the living room, probably searching for the baby. He's upstairs with Alex right now. He took the biggest poop of his life so far and he needed to be changed at the changing table. His poop was disgusting, by the way. It lit up the entire kitchen with it's odor and it made him cry so hard. I think it hurt coming out. "Your body bounced back pretty fast. You're right back to your normal, skinny-mini self." Once she realizes that the baby isn't down here, she unties her shoes and puts them down next to her spot on the couch. I'm still working on crossing my legs. I'm so sore.

"I feel horrible, Steph." I rest my back against the arm of the couch and finally cross my legs properly. I adjust my t-shirt and fold my arms. "My boobs feel like bricks. They're so full and engorged and they're so heavy. They're all swollen. Look at them." Since the t-shirt I'm wearing is Alex's t-shirt, it's huge and very loose-fitting on me. So I pull the neckline down and take one of my very swollen boobs out. I hold my hand over my nipple, though. Steph leans forward to take a closer look at it and I look down at it with her. I saw them when I got in the shower and they looked bad. They look a little better now that I let hot water hit them. "Look how swollen...and my veins are all popped out. They hurt real bad. And you don't wanna know what's going on with my nipples." I stick my boob back in my shirt. "Having a baby screws your whole entire system up." I try to put it nicely, because Steph just got married a few months ago and she and her husband are thinking about having a baby too.

"Does your vagina hurt?" She tilts her head as if she's sympathizing with me.

I nod my head. "Mhm...and my asshole." I poke my lip out. "...I just tried to take a shit an hour ago. I have to poop so bad and I sat down to do it and my asshole hurt so bad that I just gave up. So I gotta poop but I can't. I literally can't shit." I scratch the spot in my arm where they drew my blood. "My whole system is just...down for the count. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. I expected my vagina to hurt but not my asshole."

She starts laughing and scooting closer to me. "Oh, honey...I'm so sorry about your ass." She rubs my head as if she's comforting me. "But did it hurt? Did you tear? What was it like?" She moves down to my shirt and lifts it up a little so she can see my stomach. My stomach is still swollen but it's going down slowly. I don't have that many stretch marks but it's pretty discolored from the swelling. Steph touches it. "Give me all the details. Don't hold back. Let me know what I'm in for."

I clear my throat. "Okay." I start. "So when I first got there, I was having contractions and they weren't real bad. But it got worse and oh my god, Steph...The contractions are NO joke. Get the epidural. GET THE EPIDRUAL. Don't even play around and act like you don't want it. Just get it." She laughs and nods. "After the epidural, it's not that bad. You don't feel anything from the waist down after that and it's nice. My back was KILLING me though, but that's only because I had back labor. Not all women have it, but I did...and it hurt like hell. His big ass head was pressing against my spine and it made my back hurt. But you might not have that issue so don't worry. And then the pushing isn't bad, it's just tiring. And I tore but only a little bit. I only needed two stitches, so it really wasn't that bad. I think the worst part was the back labor and then once I started pushing, they realized that he was going to be bigger than what my pelvis would allow to pass through, so they had to push my legs up into my chest and that was super uncomfortable. So yeah...it was kind of a lot of work but it was so worth it."

"Were you screaming with the contractions?" She pries.

"Yes. Because I had to wait like an hour for the anesthesiologist to come in to give me my epidural so I was contracting without pain medicine for an hour and it was freaking terrible. I screamed into the pillow the whole time. I mostly cried but sometimes I screamed. I started BAWLING once the contractions really hit. Alex was looking at me like 'what is wrong with you'? I wanted to smack the look off his face. But I was much more pleasant when I got the epidural. I actually fell asleep. It was so nice."

She sighs. "I can't wait now. I keep telling Bryce that we need to get on it but he won't listen. I already know that I'm probably gonna be a big huge baby during the contractions so you don't have to tell me twice about the epidural. I'm getting it and I don't care who I have to kill in order to get it. I'm a big baby when it comes to pain so I need all the pain management I can get." She starts looking around again. "So where is your little guy? I came over to meet him and he's not even here. How is the guest of honor not even at his own party?"

"He's here. He's just upstairs getting his diaper changed. He'll be down." The feeling I get when I think about how Alex is going to bring him down here to meet Steph in a little while is a totally new feeling that I've ever felt before. It's a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm going to be showing my baby off to my best friend in a moment. I haven't even done it yet but I already think I like showing him off. "ALEX!" I mute the television and yell upstairs. "BRING THE BABY DOWN HERE!" I unmute the TV and go back to talking to Steph. "It's a really weird feeling being a mom, Steph. It's just strange to know that you're responsible for someone. And then like...the love you feel is so...it's so...different. Like...you can love your husband...you can love Bryce. But when you hold your baby, it's like a totally different kind of love. It's stronger. Just wait...you'll see. I can't really explain it to you but you'll see what I'm talking about."

"I should've brought Bryce over here, actually. He's so hesitant to start trying for a baby because he's not where he wants to be with his career yet. And I keep telling him that it's going to take him a while before he gets to where he wants to be as a businessman. He doesn't want me to make all the money to take care of the baby but I keep telling him that we're not getting any younger. I feel like if he held your baby, he'd change his mind. I should've brought him with me."

"You know Steph, it took me and Alex a real long time to get him. And I used to be upset that it wasn't happening. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night because it wasn't happening, and we started trying a year and some change ago. And now that we've got him, I'm kind of glad that it took so long. I don't know what I would've done if we would've had him when we first started trying. I was nowhere near ready for a baby back then. So maybe Bryce wanting to wait isn't so bad. I know you feel like it has to happen now, while you're ready and wanting it. But believe me Steph, that feeling doesn't go away. You're always gonna want to have your baby. But you should really make sure you're ready. You can't just THINK you're ready...you have to know you're ready." Just as I finish my mini speech to Steph, I hear Alex's footsteps on the stairs.

He carries the baby into the living room and as soon as Steph lays eyes on the tiny little bundle in Alex's arms, she gasps. "Oh my godddd..." She covers her mouth with her hands and her eyes are very wide. "Awww...Jo..." She reaches her hand out but pulls back. "Can I hold him?" I nod my head and motion for Alex to hand her the baby. He nods back at me and relinquishes custody of the baby to Stephanie. Steph grabs him off of Alex and situates him in her arms. He's sleeping, of course. His hands are covering his face and his legs are crossed. "Hi little boy." She puts her finger in one of Alex's hands and "shakes" his hand. "Hey there buddy..." She's so in love and I can't really blame her for that. My baby is just so lovable. "Jo, he's so adorable. He is so cute... oh my goodness." She presses her lips to his hand. "I want one... I want one so bad." She starts rubbing his hair. "What'd you say his name is?"

"Alexander." I reach forward and fix his sock. "Alexander James Michael..." I lick my thumb and wipe a little bit of dried milk off his top lip. "He would be asleep. He was just awake for the longest time, down here messing around with me and Alex while I was cooking dinner." I stroke his cheek. "Alexxxx...wake up buddy. Wake up. Aunt Steph came to see you." I have to say that I'm pleasantly surprised with myself. I thought for sure that once Steph got her hands on him, I'd get anxious and nervous and antsy. But I'm actually fine with it. "You wanna feed him?"

"Can I?" She looks up at me. I nod and prepare myself to stand up so I can go get her a bottle. Alex is probably hungry. He usually eats an entire eight ounces in once sitting but he only ate about six when Alex fed him earlier. He's probably hungry for those other two ounces. I stand up and grit my teeth to bear with the soreness. "Are you nursing him or is he formula fed?"

"He doesn't latch very well...but I pump for him." I take a moment to gather myself so I can walk. "Do you want something from the kitchen?" She shakes her head, too busy staring at my baby to answer me.

"Sit down, Jo. I'll get it." Alex puts his hands on my shoulders and forces me to sit back down on the couch. "I see it on your face. You're in pain. Sit down...what do you need? The bottle he started but didn't finish? I'll get it. I put it in the warmer a little bit ago so it should be ready." He lifts my legs up and recrosses them for me, sealing it off with a kiss on my forehead. "I really wish you'd stop acting like you didn't give birth three days ago...and more so than that, I wish you'd stop acting like you didn't almost die on me. You need to rest. You aren't supposed to be moving this much and you know you're not." I nod and look away from him. He's right. The doctor told me to take it easy for the rest of this week. No heavy lifting, no excessive movement and no sex, he said. "Stephanie, will you tell her to relax? Maybe she'll listen to you." He leaves me alone and walks to the kitchen.

"I'm not getting involved in you two's drama." In typical Steph fashion, she shakes her head and her wild curls fling all over the place. She's still staring at the baby. "..He's so perfect, Jo. How do you deal with it? Too much cuteness..." She starts rubbing his hair again. "He's a little chunkster...how big was he?"

"Eight fifteen." I mumble.

"Did you guys get him fixed?" She finally looks up from the baby and at me. "Or did you want to wait for that?"

"We got him clipped yesterday." I nod and poke my lip out again, just thinking about what I let happen to him when he was just two days old. "They asked me if I wanted to be in the room for comfort and I said yes at first but I had to leave 'cause I started crying. I let Alex talk me into getting him circumcised." I sigh. "I secretly wanted him to be circumcised too, but I didn't want him to be in pain, you know? I'm kind of glad that we did though. It would've been a lot to deal with if we left it uncircumcised. I just wish it didn't have to be painful."

"How'd they do it? Which method did they use?" She's asking me because both of us have actually been in the room for a circumcision before. During our Obstetrics clerkship, we both witnessed a circumcision procedure and we know that there are a bunch of different ways to do it. "How'd they numb him and stuff?"

"They actually didn't use the method we saw. They had a little chair to put him in that held him in place, so they didn't have to use the straps. And they shoved Acetaminophen up his butt before they even started, not after. So the numbing stuff didn't hurt. They put him in the chair, put the Acetaminophen up there, and cleaned his balls and his penis off with soap and water. And they held his little thing up and gave him a shot right where it ended, just before his balls. And that's all I could watch." I giggle at myself. I started crying and Alex took me out of the room. I'm just hormonal and emotional right now. "You should see it, though. It's all swollen and red and I changed his gauze earlier and it was bloody. My poor baby."

Alex comes back into the living room, bottle in tow. "Jo was just being a big baby, Stephanie. He didn't even shed a tear and she was bawling her eyes out like he was screaming or something. He didn't even cry. He sat there and chewed on his hand. The doctor was cutting him up and all he was thinking about is food. He's tough." He "pounds" the baby's fist. "Yeah, you're tough dude."

"Well sorry I don't like the thought of having parts of my baby being hacked off." I laugh at myself again and cringe a little when I find that laughing hurts a little bit.

Maybe I should take it easy for the rest of this week after all.

**X X X **

"I heard you talking to Stephanie about how it hurts to crap." He sits down on the bed and puts his hand on my knee. "I can always run to the store and get you some stool softeners or something." He starts stroking my kneecap, planting a kiss on it every so often. "You want something like that?" He's trying to be sneaky by lovingly touching and caressing my kneecap, acting like he's completely cool with the situation. He's not fooling me. I know exactly what he's after and he can forget about it. It's my turn and he's not cutting into my time. He rests his head against the upper part of my thigh and looks at what he wants, since what he wants is lying in my arms, hungrily sucking down his fifth or sixth bottle of the day. "You hear me, Jo?" He slips his finger into the palm of Alex's hand and kisses it.

"Yes, I hear you...and get your paws off my baby." I pull him back a little bit. "You had him ALL day. It's my turn." I stare down at him while he sucks his bottle in a rhythmic pattern. I'm still getting to know him. I've only had him for three days and I'm still not completely familiar with him just yet. I know what his cry sounds like and I'm starting to be able to decipher his different cries. I learned his "I'm hungry" cry pretty quickly and his "I'm in pain" cry came naturally too. I still get confused with his "I need to be changed" and his "just hold me" cry but I'm trying. I'm also familiarizing myself with his appearance. Each day, I find something new that I didn't know about. Like yesterday for example, I found that he has a birthmark on the inside of his thigh. I thought it was just discoloration since he was still gaining his color but nope. It's a birthmark and it's shaped like a pawprint if you look at it in the right light. Have I mentioned how perfect he is? "Alex...let mommy burp you, buddy." I ease the bottle nipple out of his mouth and catch the excess milk he's spitting out with his bib. Ever so helpfully, Alex tosses the spit rag over my shoulder and "helps" me pick the baby up so I can burp him. "Alex, get off. I can burp him. You had him to yourself all day."

"I can't help it." Although I told him to stop touching the baby, he starts patting his back anyway. "I just wanna touch him, that's all. That's all I want to do." He starts rubbing the hair on the back of the baby's head. "Just let me hold him, Jo. Just give him here...please." He sits up straight on the bed and holds his hands out. "Just share him."

"I shared him all day. You can wait your turn." I take over patting the baby's back and as soon as I do, he gives me a good, hard burp. "There we go!" I take him off of my shoulder and hold him up in the air in front of my face. "Tell daddy that you want to hang out with mommy for a little bit." I bring him closer and kiss his little milk soaked lips. I know if you ask any new mother, they'll tell you that their baby is the most perfect baby in the world. But when I say that my Alex is the most perfect baby in the world, I really mean that. He's so perfect. "I shared you with daddy and then I shared you with Stephy. It's my turn."

Alex playfully sighs and stops bugging me so much about wanting to hold the baby. I'm actually pleasantly surprised with the kind of dad he's turning out to be. He's so good with the baby already. He holds him just the right way, he feeds him perfectly. He's an amazing dad already. Not that I didn't already know that he would be, I just didn't really expect him to pick up on it as quickly as he has. "But in all seriousness, Jo...do you want me to pick you something up from the drugstore to help you? You know what the doctor said about you getting backed up." I wrinkle my nose at that. "If you need a laxative or a stool softener, just tell me. I'll get it for you."

"Can we not talk about this?" I slip the nipple back into Alex's mouth and hold the bottle still as he begins to dust the last of the milk off. It's so awkward for my husband to be talking to me about my pooping habits. There are just some things that I prefer to keep private from Alex and that's one of them. I don't talk to him about my period, I don't fart in front of him and I try to poop when he's either out of the house, asleep or down in his office so there's absolutely no chance that he'll smell me in the near future. "I'm a surgical resident, Alex. I know what to do if I can't...get things going." I think my cheeks are red.

"Why are you being so weird?" He goes right back to laying on my thigh. "All I did was ask you if you need help pooping. I heard you talking about how it hurts today. I mean, I already don't think that you're giving yourself ample time to heal. You're running around, cooking dinner and cleaning out the freaking refrigerator while you still have stitches from knocking out a baby three days ago. You should at least make sure you're crapping regularly."

"Alex." I close my eyes and bite my lip. This is so awkward. "Can we please not talk about this?" I just look at him. "I don't want to talk about pooping with you. That's weird..."

"Oh Jo, don't be prude. I've smelled your crap, you've smelled mine. I know you do it, you know I do it. It happens." He shrugs his shoulders.

"You have NEVER smelled my shit. I make sure of that. Don't lie. You've never smelled me." I tap the side of the bottle so that the baby gets the last little bit of milk out. "If you haven't noticed, there are some things I just don't do around you. I don't fart around you, I make sure you never know when I'm on my period or when I take a crap."

"I've smelled your shit before, babe." He smirks. "Remember when we got back from our honeymoon and you caught that stomach bug? You were crapping for a week...lost ten pounds from doing it. And the smell stayed upstairs for a week." _I do remember that. _I put my head down and blush a little bit harder. "What are you blushing for?! Jo, it's just poop, blood and air that comes out your butt. It's not serious enough for you to be sitting here blushing. What's wrong with you? I'm your husband. Why are you acting like I don't know that you have a period, take shits and fart? You try to be clean about it all and I do appreciate that. I love that about you, actually. But I've smelled your crap before, I've had to wipe blood off the toilet seat and you fart in your sleep sometimes."

"...You've had to wipe blood off the toilet seat?" _Oh my god. I'm mortified! What?! _"Why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't you just yell at me to come clean it? Oh god...I'm sorry. I would've cleaned it. You didn't have to. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why would I? I just grabbed a Clorox wipe and cleaned it up myself. It was only once, too. So don't go thinking that every time you're on your period, I clean up after you. You said it yourself, if you didn't tell me, I would never know when you're on it. That's how clean with it you are." He's not making it any better. I'm still absolutely humiliated. I try so hard to be ladylike around him and it all just failed. "Hey..." He rubs my leg. "Jo seriously. I don't get why you're being so weird about it. We've been married for how long now? We've been together for how long? It's about time we're comfortable with each others' gross things."

"It's just...awkward for me." I put my tongue in my cheek. "I just like...I want to be ladylike. I don't feel like you should have to deal with any of my nastiness. You've already seen my vagina stretch and bleed and...ugh. And I'm still trying to figure out how you could possibly be attracted to me after seeing that and seeing my body the way it is right now. I just don't need to give you anymore reason to be unattracted to me...and that includes talking about my poop."

"Babe, I'm just as attracted to you as I've ever been." He turns his head and looks up at me, still laying on my thigh. "I still think you're sexy as hell...a total MILF." I raise my eyebrows. He lifts up my shirt and exposes my still-swollen abdomen. "Love these stretch marks." He kisses the two that are on my stomach. "And the boobs...you know I won't complain about those. And your ass is still amazing." He's still kissing my stretch marks. "And don't worry about me being grossed out by the vagina thing. I still can't wait for this six weeks to be up so I can have that vagina back. Okay?"

"You're just saying this..." I lie the now empty bottle down on the pillow next to me and rub my baby's back. He's fast asleep on my chest. "You don't have to be nice." I really do feel fat and unattractive at the moment. Having a baby also takes a lot of confidence away. "I'd rather you tell me the truth."

"I am telling you the truth." He lies on my stomach. "I don't see anything that's changed about you. You have a couple stretch marks but that's it." I just don't say anything. This is one of those things that I'm just gonna have to trust Alex on. I guess I just have to trust him when he says that I'm still attractive to him. "Well anyway...I think Big Al is ready to try out his crib, don't you think?"

"Yeah." I cradle him in my arms and sit up as best as I can without disturbing him. "I'm exhausted myself. I'm ready to go to sleep too."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Make sure you pack his bathtub. We're gonna be there for a few nights and he'll need to take a bath sometime." Instead of helping me, Jo's just sitting on the floor in the middle of a mess of onesies, diapers and socks. She's just barking orders at me. Usually, it would bother me that she's just telling me what to do instead of helping me do it, but she gets a free pass for today. She's sitting cross-legged on the floor with a half-circle crescent pillow on her lap. She's wearing a pair of sweats and a tank top that's pulled down on one side. Her breast is hanging out the one side and our little guy is busy eating from it. Ever since he's got the hang of latching on, Jo's been really pushing towards nursing him instead of bottle feeding him. He'll be two weeks old in three days and he just started latching on to her breast two days ago. I applaud her for being persistent and not giving up. "And another white t-shirt...just in case it gets hot, he'll have something to just pop over his arms." If we have to pack all this shit just to stay a few days in Kansas, this trip isn't worth it.

Nevertheless, I shove another pack of unopened white t-shirts in the baby's suitcase. You can never have enough white t-shirts, I guess. "Anything else, your highness?" I fold up a blanket so it'll fit into the suitcase too. "Just because you have the boobs you get to sit down and tell me what to do. I wish I had boobs. I'd much rather sit on my ass and let someone suck on my tit than pack these damn suitcases." I am a little bit grumpy today. Mostly because I had finally convinced Jo that we could wait to go to Kansas until the end of the month. But yesterday, my mom called her and complained about how they were throwing a cookout for the family to meet the baby and celebrate the release of my book all wrapped in one. And she gave Jo the sob story about how if the cookout isn't this weekend, my grandma won't be able to make it any other time. So of course, Jo told her that we could make it this weekend and here I am packing a goddamn suitcase to go to Kansas with my postpartum wife and my two week old son.

"Daddy's cranky today, isn't he pumpkin?" Like she always does, she squeezes the top of her boob to make sure he's getting enough to eat and after that, she strokes his hair and keeps stroking it. It's crazy how much he's changed already though. Over these last two weeks, I've watched my son gain a few more pounds, get a tanner skin complexion, grow hair and get hazel-ish eyes instead of the dark brown ones he was born with. He's changed so much and it sort of makes me sad thinking about how he's already growing up. I chalk up the weight gain to the fact that his mother forces ungodly amounts of breast milk down his throat. He's a hefty boy though. I think I've got me a linebacker. "Yeah...daddy's cranky. Maybe daddy needs a nap...yeah, maybe." It's also crazy to see how much Jo's changed in the short amount of time he's been here as well. I just noticed that the first couple days home with the baby, she was a little bit clueless on what to do with him. She would be changing him when he wanted to be fed, or rocking him when he wasn't sleepy. Now, there is no gray areas. She knows exactly what to do, when to do it and she's a professional at it. Sometimes she'll make a stupid mistake though. Like just yesterday, she thought it was okay to take the baby to the grocery store without a blanket over his car seat. The GROCERY store. And when she got home, he was already sniffling and showing the beginning signs of sickness. Luckily for us, it was a false alarm and he's not sick but still. He could've gotten sick because she didn't think to put a blanket over his car seat when she took him out...and she just HAD to take him to the grocery store to show him off when he had a perfectly good father at home that could've kept him. But again, as natural as she seems sometimes, she's still very new to this mothering thing.

For the first time in a long time, Jo and I argued yesterday. We were just worried about the baby possibly being sick and we took our frustrations out on each other. Well, I took mine out on her and she just cried. I yelled at her about being stupid and taking the damn baby to a grocery store without germ protection. I called her stupid and told her that she needed to be smarter because she didn't get through the Ivy League for no reason. She started crying and asked me to stop yelling at her because she already felt bad enough that she got the baby sick. She told me she didn't know what she was doing and I realized that she was right. I apologized to her because hell, I've made a mistake or two with him too. On his fourth day home, I gave him a bath and I didn't know that you're not supposed to submerge a baby in water until their umbilical stump falls off. I felt kind of bad for yelling at her when I thought of that incident because when I did that, Jo wasn't mean to me. She dried off the baby's cord stump as well as possible and just told me about it. But when she messed up, I made her cry. I still feel bad about it.

"Alex, you don't have to go to Kansas if you don't want to go to Kansas." She sticks her finger in the corner of Alex's mouth to break his suction and pulls her shirt up over her boob. "I'll go. I don't want you there if you're going to be a big mean ass the entire time." She gently puts the baby over her shoulder and proceeds to burp him. It blows my mind sometimes how she can be so nasty with me but so nice and gentle with him in one breath. "You're annoying the hell out of me already and we haven't even got there. You act like going to see your family is the worst possible thing in the world. Stop acting like a friggin' dick about it. It's three days in Kansas with your family and then we don't have to see them until god knows when. You would think you'd be more grateful to have your family considering that you're married to a freaking orphan. You know how irritated I get when I hear you trash your family. At least you have them and they're throwing you a party for your stupid book. You're so ungrateful that it sucks. I really hope you didn't pass THAT on to him."

"If you like them so much then why don't you just adopt them as your family? Because seriously, you can have them." I zip up the last of the baby's suitcase and throw it in the corner. "And you can stop pulling the 'orphan' card. Yeah, I HAVE a family and they annoy me. What are you gonna do, police every person with a family that thinks their dysfunctional family is annoying? I never said I wasn't glad to have a family, Jo. I just said that they get on my nerves."

"Well like it or not, I want my son to be around family because I DON'T want him to grow up like I did. So suck it up and shut your damn mouth." She takes the baby off her shoulder and holds him out to me. "I get so tired of hearing you bitch and whine all the time. Like damn. Do you want some fucking cheese to go with that whine?" After I take the baby from her, she stands up and starts packing her own suitcase. "This is exactly why I never ask you to do shit, because you fucking cry about it all the time. Move, I'll pack the damn suitcases myself." She must be pretty angry to cuss at me like this. "I'm tired of you being a fucking sourpuss."

"So motherly, Jo...cussing in front of the baby. Do you kiss our son with that mouth?" I pat his butt and kiss his forehead.

"...You are so lucky you're holding the baby. I swear to god, Alex." She starts slamming stuff into her suitcase. "I wanna rip your FUCKING head off because you're so FUCKING stupid. There. That's the mouth I kiss my son with." She's still slamming stuff and I crack a smile, mostly because it's so much fun to get Jo angry. She swears like a sailor when she's mad and she gets all red and huffy and puffy. She looks like a crazy person. "Just get the fuck out of my face. I don't have the mental capacity to deal with your immature, hubris, self-centered, antagonistic, patronizing BULLSHIT today, Alex." I smirk some more. That's my favorite part about pissing Jo off. She throws out the fancy Ivy League vocabulary along with swear words and it's sexy as hell.

"Sorry you gotta hear all this, buddy." I kiss his cheek and gently set him down on the bed since he's asleep. I stand by the doorway and watch her slamming stuff, cursing under her breath with a smirk. She's so sexy when she's mad.

"I said get out of my face." She sits down on the bed and takes a couple deep breaths. I walk closer to her. "I'm serious." I sit down on the bed next to her and rather than yell at me, she just ignores me.

"Jo..." I put my lips to her ear. "Love you."

"...Why do you insist on pissing me off? You're not gonna be satisfied until I hurt you." She shrugs away from me. "Get off of me, Alex." She sighs. "Why do you act like an ass? Just suck it up so we can take our baby to visit his grandparents and his aunt. Okay? Just suck it up. There's no need for you to have a bug up your butt about it." There's normal Jo again, using regular words instead of curse words. "Stop acting like an ass. I don't like yelling at you."

"But you're so sexy when you do it." I kiss her on her lips.

* * *

**A/N:** Only two more chapters left of this story, guys :( But the good news is that I'm done with school this Friday, so you know what that means! :) A summer full on nonstop writing! As some of you know, I am graduating from High School this summer so I might be a little bit busy at times but for the most part, I'll just be able to write, write, write! Like...stay up until ungodly hours of the night writing! I'm so excited! lol.

So with all that being said, I do plan on starting another multichapter story after this one is over. I have a bunch of ideas of what the story could be about and I would like for you guys to vote on it! So I'll give you guys some of the ideas I've been cultivating over the last few months and you guys can vote on it either in reviews or on my tumblr! Whichever story with the most votes is the one I'll write.

-flawlesspeasant


	69. Should've Told Me

I stick my head out of the window as he turns into the smoothly paved driveway that I haven't driven up since the weekend of my graduation from medical school. This marks four times that I've been to this house in the entire six years that I've been with Alex and every single time I come up this driveway, I get as nervous as I was the very first time I ever came here, when Alex and I were just friends at the time. I also fall deeper in love with the beauty and simplicity of the house each time we come here too. I never told Alex, but it's always been some kind of silent dream of mine to own a ranch-style house out here in Kansas. We could have a big fenced in yard for Vader to run around in, we could have a yard with a pool for Alex. There's something about Kansas that makes me appreciate how beautiful flat lands and fresh farm air can be. Kansas is gorgeous and all but I'm perfectly content with our house in Massachusetts and I don't plan on quitting my job, either.

"Alex...we're here, buddy." I bring my head back inside the car and look down at the car seat I'm sitting next to. I thought I could make it riding in the back from the airport to his mom's house, since it's only an hour long drive but I'm feeling a little nauseous. I get car sick from riding in the back but I didn't really like the idea of sticking the baby in the backseat alone. He's only two weeks old and I really wasn't sure how he would do in the car for an hour, so I sat in the backseat with him. He slept the entire time, which is both good and bad. Good because he got all his sleep out now and he'll be awake for meeting the family, but bad because he'll want to sleep at a screwed up time now. It's 3:00 in the afternoon and he's been asleep for about three and a half hours, including the time he slept driving to the airport, on the plane and on the way to Alex's mom's. I reckon he'll be awake in about fifteen or twenty minutes and he'll be awake for two hours before he decides that he wants to go back to sleep. Being that he slept so much already, his schedule is a little messed up. I try to keep him on a schedule but it doesn't always work out. "You ready to meet people?" I stroke his chubby little leg and fight the urge to kiss his tiny little lips.

"He said no." Alex puts the car in park and turns it off. I roll my eyes at his pessimism and move to unstrap the car seat from the base. "Babe, I'm just gonna leave our bags in here for now. We've already got a lot to carry with the car seat and stuff. I'll just run back out later and grab everything out of the trunk." He opens up his door and gets out of the car. I unhinge the latches that hook the car seat into the base and push the button in the back to raise the carrying handle. Alex opens up the door in the back, where I'm sitting and holds out his hand to me. I take it and he helps me out of the car. I turn around to go back in so I can get the car seat but he gently pushes me aside. "Jo, what did I tell you yesterday? Did you think I was joking? Move. You're not carrying anything heavier than the baby." I keep quiet and stand aside just like he asked. It is rather annoying for him to treat me like I'm handicapped but I know that he's just being protective. Two nights ago, after we argued, we went straight to bed. I woke up twice in the night with the baby but after the second time, he slept like an angel and I didn't have to wake up anymore. Alex woke up before me yesterday morning and he saw a little bit of blood on the sheet we were lying on and he started to cry...actually cry. I just ripped out one of my stitches by moving around too much but he thought I was hemorrhaging or something and he took me to the hospital. The baby had a doctor's appointment so we had to go to the hospital anyway, but before we dealt with him, Alex made me get checked out.

The doctor told me that I'm fine, I just ripped out one of my stitches but it's okay because it'll heal anyway. He gave me the okay to travel and told me that I'll be absolutely fine but Alex has made it his own personal rule that I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby. The whole incident with me and the morphine has really been taking a toll on him. He's been so very protective of me since then. I appreciate it but it's a little strange...I just didn't know how much losing me scared him. I didn't know how much he hated the thought of that. I always knew Alex loved me but seeing how he freaks out over the little things about me, ever since he was faced with the possibility of me dying, really put things into perspective for me. So since I know that he's only being annoying because he's scared of me getting hurt, I stand next to him and watch in silence as he lifts the baby's car seat out of the car. I have a thin blue and white blanket over my shoulder to drape over his car seat once he gets all the way out. I learned my lesson the last time I took him out around people without a blanket to cover him. I'll never do that again.

"Alright here, buddy." Alex bumps the door shut with his hip and rests the car seat on the hood of the car. He stands aside so I can put the blanket over him and I do. I skillfully put the blanket over the handle of the car seat so that it's not resting directly on his face. "You ready?" He turns to me. I sling the diaper bag over my shoulder and nod. "Alright, come on. My mom said to go around back. Everyone's out back." He starts walking towards the gate that leads to the backyard. I follow close behind and start to smile because as we get closer to the gate, I can hear music playing and busy chatter of his relatives. Before we enter, I start running through everything in my head. I'll just walk in with Alex and say hi to everyone, first and foremost. Secondly, I strapped a brand new thing of hand sanitizer on the diaper bag so if anyone wants to hold him, they can take some of that. I'll try to let him make his way around to everyone before I freak out. I already know I'm going to freak out. I already know that it's going to be pure hell watching everyone pass him around, put their lips on him, gush over how cute he is. It's going to be hell for me. But they're his family and they're eager to meet him and I took a Xanax before I came and I hope it works out for me. I really like when people tell me how cute my baby is and I like showing him off and stuff but I don't know how I'm going to feel when people kiss him...and I know that he's going to get lots of kisses.

"Alex, wait..." Before he opens up the gate, I put my hand on his shoulder and stop him. "What if...what if I can't deal with everyone kissing him and stuff? Because I don't know how I feel about that. I..." I close my eyes and try to find a way to explain what I mean to him. "I don't know if I want people kissing him and I know that they're going to. I'm like...okay if your mom does and if Amber does and whatever if Don does. But everybody else? I know they're your family...and they're his family too, but what if I'm not comfortable with that? Obviously I'm not going to say anything about it if they do kiss him but you know my anxiety...what happens if I can't handle that?"

"It'll be alright." He turns around and kisses my forehead. "If it'll make you feel better, I'll tell them to stop. If you start getting uncomfortable, nudge me or clear your throat or do something. I'll step in and grab him and I'll keep him for a moment before I pass him back to someone else. But you have to know that there are members of my family that really want to meet him. So you do have to deal with it a little. But I don't want you to have an anxiety attack so seriously, babe...if you start getting horribly uncomfortable, let me know. I'll take him...and if you need a moment, you can go in the house and sit in the bathroom. Okay?" I nod my head and mouth the word, "okay". I love that he understands where I'm coming from though. "Love you." He mumbles and instead of saying it back, I raise up on my tiptoes and kiss him on the lips. "Let's go inside now."

He swings open the gate and very carefully, carries the baby with smooth strides, to keep him peacefully asleep. Alex is exactly like me when it comes to waking up. He'll cry and whine and get so pissed off if he's woken up before he's ready to be woken up and both me and Alex have a mutual understanding that we don't want a cranky baby, so he's trying to carry him so carefully that he doesn't wake him up. I need a little bit of support so I creep up next to Alex and hold his free hand. He locks his fingers into mine and we walk together. As soon as we round the corner to the patio, I get nervous all over again. I didn't know this many people were going to be here... I squeeze Alex's hand and he rubs my knuckles with his thumb. Down in the pool, about five or six small children are splashing and jumping off the diving board. On the patio, there are six tables and all of them are filled up except for one. Smoke from the grill is waving up into the air and I smell spare ribs being grilled, I believe. Music is playing loudly and the door to the kitchen is standing open. I recognize Alex's aunts and uncles, one of his cousins and his grandmother. I don't see Helen, Amber or Don and everyone else sitting around, I don't recognize. Alex pulls me towards the flight of steps that lead up to the patio and we quietly walk onto it. Nobody looks up at our quiet entrance and I can't help but feel like Alex did that for me. He knows that I don't like being the center of attention so he just snuck in without a peep for me.

I plaster on my fake, "I'm the nicest person in the world" smile and climb up the steps. I remember the last time I was here, Alex's very conservative grandmother didn't like my outfit. So I dressed more like a mother today. I wore a pair of white capris and a light blue polo shirt. My hair is down and I straightened it last night so I would look decent. I feel fat in my polo shirt and my boobs are all stuffed in here but I surely hope she doesn't have anything negative to say about my outfit this time around. All my parts are covered. I stand next to Alex as he hugs some people I don't recognize, shakes their hands and talk about how "it's been too long". While he's still chatting away to a tall, shirtless man with lots of tattoos, he sets the car seat down on the empty table. Since he's talking, I peel the blanket off the car seat. The man says something to Alex about "picking a good one" and I look up. "I don't think you ever met my wife." Alex finally introduces us. "This is my wife Jo. Jo, this is my cousin Paul. We used to go down to the Slurpee Shop and stick our heads under the dispensers when we were kids." I smile at him. "Paul's wife is down there by the pool with the kids." Alex points. "His wife is Liza and those two little blonde ones down there are his kids, Jordan and Jojo."

I nod my head and stick my hand out. "Nice to meet you." We shake each others' hands and of course, it's not long before his attention goes back to Alex. I'm not offended though, since my mind is permanently on getting the other Alex out of his car seat. So after we shake hands, I go right back to that. For some reason, I don't think everyone fully realized that we have the baby with us. Nobody is paying attention to us and everyone but cousin Paul was way too busy with their own conversations to even notice that Alex was carrying a car seat when we came up. They hardly even noticed that we even came up. Again, I finish peeling off the blanket covering my baby and fold it up. I put it in a clean spot on the table and push the handle of the car seat back. His head is slunked to the side and his blue pacifier is slowly bobbing. Just to be safe, I dressed him in a long-sleeved blue onesie that has a lion on the front and I put the matching blue pants on him, with a lion on the butt. He has on blue socks but I didn't overdo it by putting a hat on him. It is June, after all. I unbuckle his belts and lift him out of the car seat. "Hey buddy." I kiss his chubby cheek and lay him on my chest. "Are you gonna wake up?"

"Jo, I'll be back. I'm gonna go tell my mom that we're here." Alex puts his hand on the back of the baby's head and strokes it forward. "You okay?" He asks me.

"Yeah." I nod. I take the hint from him and fix Alex's hair.

"Alright, I'll be right back. I want you to sit down." He pulls a chair out for me. "And just get ready to be without him because you know when my mom gets out here, he's permanently in her arms, right?" I grin and nod. "So just get ready." He kisses the crown of my head and disappears through the sliding glass door.

"Let's get you ready to see grandma, buddy." I pick him back up off my chest and lay him on my legs. I squeeze my knees tightly together so I can fix him. I pull his pants up over his chubby potbelly and fix his socks. His onesie is too long for his tiny little arms so I fold back the sleeves a little bit. He still smells like he just got out of his bath and that's only because he hasn't pooped today. He got a bath this morning and it hasn't been ruined by poop just yet. He did so good with his bath too. He didn't cry. He just sat there and let me wash him up. He whined a little bit when I washed his hair but not much. "You're all handsome." I take his pacifier out of his mouth and as soon as I do, his eyes snap open. I gasp. "Hello. Are you up, baby? Are you up?" I tickle his cheek. "Let mommy get a smile...can I get a smile?" His face is cracking up but he's not smiling yet. "Yeah...let me get smile." He shows off his gums and smiles at me. "Aww, thank you. Thank you baby. You so sweet...you so sweet." I pick him back up and kiss his lips. He drools in my mouth but I don't really mind. I put him back on my legs and bounce him very lightly. He stretches his arms out and yawns real big. "Are you still wakin' up?"

"Oooooh!" Behind me, someone squeals and I already know what I'm in for so I just smile about it. Before I know it, Helen is standing right next to me. "Let me see, let me see!" I scoop him up off my legs and stand up with him. "Lemme see my baby!" I hand him right over to her and she's just completely in awe. "I've been waiting so long to see you." She holds him in her arms and looks down at him. "You're beautiful." If I'm not mistaken, she's starting to cry. "Yeah, you're a beautiful boy...you look just like your daddy when he was a baby...yeah, you do." She holds his hand and looks at his fingers. "Oh...I'm grammy, honey. Yep. I'm the person that's gonna take you out for ice cream, bake you cookies. Yes I am, Ally." She kisses his forehead. "He's so much more beautiful in person." She looks up at me and sniffs. "I just wanna give him all the kisses in the world." Alex's eyes are still wide open and he's looking up at her. "How are you doing, Jo?"

"...I'm still feeling a little yucky. My stitches are beginning to fall out but I'm still feeling...you know." I sit back down in the chair and put the baby's pacifier on top of the diaper bag. "Where'd Alex go?"

"He's still inside talking to Amber." She's stroking his hair and lightly swaying from side to side with him in her arms. "Are you nursing him, Jo?" She looks up from him and directly at me. "He's a big boy...chunky little thing."

"Yeah, I'm trying to. He finally got the hang of latching on and he's noting well with it. He'll eat for about...ten minutes or so." Speaking of eating, he's probably hungry right now. He just woke up and he usually eats after he wakes up so I'm slacking on the bottle just a little. I rummage through his diaper bag for one of the bottles of breast milk I packed. "He takes it better from a bottle though." I finally find the bottle. "Will you feed him for me? Not now, but in like...five or ten minutes? I want to make sure he got all his sleep out before he eats but he does need to eat."

"Of course I'll feed him. I want all the time in the world with him." Again, she kisses him on his forehead. "He looks just like Alex, it's killing me. Alex was a big baby too. He was eight pounds, eleven ounces." She's rubbing his hands. "He's absolutely gorgeous, Jo. Absolutely. He's so sweet."

"Thank you." I know my baby is sweet and gorgeous. I had a beautiful baby and she's right...he does look like his dad.

"You mind if I take him around to see everybody? Before Amber comes out here and takes over?" I really appreciate the fact that she asked me. I appreciate that she didn't just assume that she could take him around and I'm glad that she asked for permission. "Alex's grandmother in particular wants to see him."

"I don't mind. You can go ahead." Surprisingly, I'm doing just fine. I'm alright if she takes him around to meet people and I'm okay with the fact that he's not in my arms. Surely I would prefer him to be in my arms but it's okay that he's not. I trust Helen. She leaves my side and takes him over to the first table, where Alex's aunts and uncles are sitting. I watch for a few moments as they gush over the baby but I'm interrupted by tapping on my leg. I wrinkle my brow and look around. I don't see anyone but the tapping doesn't stop. Then it occurs to me that I should probably look down. I look down and I'm met with a little face. A little face with blonde pigtails and crystal blue eyes. "Hi." I lean down closer to her level. "I like your bathing suit...do you like Minnie Mouse?" Her bathing suit is red with black straps, white polka dots and Minnie Mouse on the front.

She nods her head and her pigtails bounce. "...I have that binky?" She points to my baby's pacifier, sitting on his diaper bag.

"That's my baby's binky, honey. I would let you have it but he already had it and I don't want you to get sick from sharing binkies." She's a cutie pie. Her eyes are big and circular and they're the brightest shade of blue I've ever seen in my life. Her blonde pigtails are like true pigtails with the way they curl under and she's so chubby that her belly is hanging out the bottom of her swimsuit. I can tell she's tired though. She's biting her finger and rocking back and forth on her feet and her eyes are clearly heavy. She's carrying a towel in her hand but she's not using it, as she's dripping and making a puddle where she's standing. "What's your name, sweetie?" I take the towel off of her and open it up.

"Jojo." She's still biting her finger.

"Really?" I smile and wrap the towel around her little body. "My name's Jojo too." She gasps and her jaw drops, which makes me laugh. "Yep. My name's Jojo too." She must be Alex's cousin Paul's daughter, since he said he has two kids named Jordan and Jojo. I wonder if her Jojo is short for something though. "Can I pick you up, Jojo?" She nods. I secure the towel around her body and pick her up. She sits on my lap but it's not long before her head ends up on my chest. She's so sleepy. "What do you like to watch on TV, Jojo? Do you like anything special?"

"...Doc McStuffins." She has a little pipsqueak voice. It's so cute.

I reach forward on the table and grab my cell phone. I go to YouTube and search for Doc McStuffins episodes. I think maybe I'm sitting here holding this little girl because I miss my own baby and I wish I could hold him like this right now. I put on an episode of Doc McStuffins and hold it for her. She stops biting her finger and starts sucking her thumb as she watches it. Next thing I know, a blonde woman is standing next to me and she looks like she's trying to fight off a smile. "Is she bothering you?" She asks me.

"Oh, no." I shake my head and smile at her. "She's fine. I don't mind." I assure her. "Is it alright if I hold her though?" I probably should've asked before I decided to pick up her kid and hold her but the thought didn't really cross my mind. I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes. "She just came over and I saw that she looked pretty tired, so I-"

"No, no, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure she wasn't bothering you. Jodelle can be a little pushy sometimes and I know that some people can be annoyed with it. But if she's not bothering you, then it's fine." She waves her hand at me. "Will you just let me know if she becomes too much? I'm Cassie, by the way."

"Jo." I politely introduce myself since I can't really shake her hand right now. "I'm Alex's wife."

"Oh!" She looks as if she just had an epiphany. "Nice to finally meet you! We've all heard so much about you! You're a surgeon, you went to Harvard and Princeton...and they weren't lying when they said you're pretty. You're gorgeous...how old are you?"

"Thank you." I blush when I thank her and I hate myself for it. "I just turned 29 last month, actually. You're um...Alex's cousin Paul's wife, right? I'm still trying to learn everybody."

"Yeah, Paul's my husband." She nods her head. "Is that...your baby over there?" She points over towards Alex's grandmother, who's holding my baby in her arms and cooing at him. I mumble, "mhm" and nod my head. "He is so stinkin' sweet! I got a good look at him and he's a sweetheart. You have a heartbreaker on your hands."

"Yeah, you should've seen him flirting with this lady in the supermarket. He's gonna be like his dad and I'm gonna kill him." She starts laughing really hard. "But your little girl is no slouch...those eyes are gorgeous."

"Oh, I know." She shakes her head. "Is she asleep?" She leans to the side and tries to look at the little girl I'm holding. "She's out cold." She seems surprised. "Thank you for putting her down. I don't know why she fights her sleep with me but not with other people."

"No problem." I turn off the TV show on my phone and put it down on the table. "My little guy is two weeks old and I'm used to having him on my chest, so I just figured..." I tuck the towel around Jojo's body and lift her up. Her mother takes her off of me and puts her head on her shoulder. "I enjoyed talking to her. She's really cute."

"Thanks, but she doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. She's a motormouth." She kisses the little girl's cheek and rubs her back. "I'm going to go give her to her dad. It was nice talking to you, Jo... we have to talk some more sometime."

"Definitely."

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"Amber. If I have to tell you one more time to hold his friggin' head, I'm taking him off of you and you'll never hold him again. You're not stupid so stop acting like an idiot." I've already told her two different times to hold support the baby's head when she holds him and she just refuses to listen. She's holding him and his damn head is just flopping backward. "You're going to strain his neck and if you hurt my son, I'm going to hurt YOU." She rolls her eyes at me and fixes her hold. "Don't roll your eyes, listen to me. That's why nobody likes you because you think you know it all. You know what? Give him here. Since you wanna roll your eyes when I try to tell you the right way to hold MY son. Give him here." I hold my hands out for him.

"Piss off, Alex. I'm not a child and I know how to hold my own nephew. Mom said I could have my time with him after grandma was done and grandma's done now it's my turn. He's my nephew..." She's sitting down a wooden patio chair, holding the baby all wrong. His body is supported but his head is not. I stomp over to her and grab her arms. "Alex, stop! I'm holding him!" I ignore her and move her right arm backwards, so his head is in the bend of her arm and move her left arm forward so his body is supported as well. "...Thank you." She mumbles and I can tell that it killed her to say it to me. She's not telling me thank you for adjusting her arms though. She's telling me thank you for not taking him off of her because she thought I was going to. "He's so little and cute. You and Jo are so lucky." She touches his cheek and I open my mouth to yell at her about touching the baby's face when I CLEARLY told her not to touch his face without sanitizing her hands but I decide against yelling. I've yelled at her enough. So I just sit down in the chair across from her and look around. My mom is setting out food on the serving table and Don is flipping burgers on the grill. Jo is actively talking to my cousin Paul's wife. "...Do you love him?"

I raise my brow. "Huh?"

"Him. Do you love him, Alex? Or do like...just tolerate him because Jo wanted him?" She's staring at him and I won't lie, my heart hurts just a little over Amber asking if I love my son or not. I take a look at my boy and think of the words to express just how much I love my guy. He's snoozing in Amber's arms. His thin brown hair is neatly pushed to the front of his head, his cheeks are chubby and his fat belly is pulsating up and down with his breathing. How could I not love him? I love everything about him. I'd take a bullet for that little guy right there. I think Amber's a little nervous that I didn't answer her, because she starts talking again. "Because I know that way back in the day, you didn't want kids...and Jo really did, so I was just wondering..."

I nod and have to tell myself not to go over there and take him off of her. It makes me emotional to think about how much I love him and all I want to do is have him sleep on my chest right now but I won't. I'll let Amber have her time with him. "Yeah I love him. I do. And you're right. I used to not want kids, Amb. But my life changed when I met Jo and you know that. Everything I thought I wanted to do is just gone and I love it. But you're right about that...and I understand your curiosity. But I love my son with every bone in my body. I'd do anything in this world for him. Everything I do is for him. I live for him."

"It's kinda hard to look at this face and not fall in love." She leans down and kisses his cheek. "...I think his diaper is wet." She sighs, realizing that she's going to have to give the baby to me. I get up and walk over to where Jo's sitting so I can grab the diaper bag. I take it off of the table and walk it back over to Amber. "You can come back to auntie Amber in a little while, Alex. You have to be changed."

"You can change him." I shrug my shoulders and hand her a diaper and wipes from the diaper bag. "Just don't strap the diaper on too tight and don't wipe directly on his stuff. It's still healing." I caution her about the things to be wary about when changing him and just sit back and watch her. She takes off his pants and unstraps his diaper. Just as Amber's taking his diaper off, my mom stands next to the food table and claps her hands loud enough to get everyone's attention. My uncle Vince turns down the music that's playing and I look at her to see what the hell she wants. It looks like all the food is on the table, so I'm guessing that she's probably gonna tell us that dinner is served.

"The food is all done, so if you're hungry you can come make your plate." She announces to everybody but looks straight at me. "Before we eat though, I just want to say something." She clears her throat. "Everyone knows that the reason we're here today is to celebrate my grandson's birthday. So we have cake and ice cream for later and we're going to sing happy birthday to my grandson, Alex. But I would also like to acknowledge my three children during this party as well. First of all, I want to say congratulations to my daughter Amber for being accepted into the athletic training internship program at Wichita State University. Second of all, I want to say congratulations to my other daughter—my daughter-in-law—Jo for completing her first year of her surgical internship. She's a surgical resident now, so that's exciting. And Jo, you know we love you just as much as our real daughter." I look over at Jo and see that she's blushing. She's so beautiful. What would I do without her? What was my life without her? "And lastly, I want to say a big congratulations to my son, Alex. I don't know if all of you know, but he came out of a five year hiatus from writing and he just published his 23rd novel last week, which is already number one on New York Times Bestselling List." I shake my head and look down. I told her not to put me on the spot like this. "So this party is not only a celebration for my grandson, but it's a celebration for all my children. I hope you all enjoy yourselves and eat up."

I glance over at Jo again because I just felt like she was looking at me. You ever get that feeling? Where you can feel that someone is staring at you? It's just a feeling you get. So I look over at Jo and sure enough, she's looking at me. She motions for me to "come here" with her finger. "Look after him, Amb." I mumble and stand up. I walk across the patio and make my way over to Jo. "Yeah, babe?" She motions for me to come down to her level, so I kneel down. "What?"

She tilts her head and raises up. She kisses me on my lips and smiles when she pulls away. "Why didn't you tell me your book went number one? Why didn't you tell me that it got cleared for publishing? Why don't you tell me anything, baby? I'm so proud of you..." She puts her hand on my butt. I didn't tell her anything because I didn't want her to know. I didn't want her to make a big deal out of the book going number one and I didn't want her to make a big deal out of reading it. I don't mind if Jo reads it but part of me doesn't want her to. I just don't think it's that big of a deal for my stories to do well. It's just a book and it pays the bills. That's all. "I'm so proud of you." She squeezes my butt and rests her head on my lower stomach since I'm standing and she's sitting down now. "When are you gonna get me a copy? Can I at least read the synopsis now? You've been all secretive about it for five years. I think I deserve to read it now...and see what kept my husband up at nights."

"...Fine." I mutter and walk over to the door. I go inside the kitchen, through the dining room and into the living room, where I know my mom keeps at least one copy of all my books. I'm only doing this because I know that Jo's not going to let it go. She's gonna force me to show her a copy of it. I search for the light blue hardback cover amongst her bookcase and take it out when I find it. I walk it back out to the patio and take it over to Jo. "Here." I hand it to her.

"Thank you!" She stares at the cover for a little and the title. The entire book is light blue but that's because there's a sky on the front cover. The front cover has a road on it. Just a road. A long, black paved road that disappears into the horizon. Trees line the road, of course and the title is displayed on a green road sign. There are clouds in the sky and Michael Evans' is across the top in black letters. After looking at the cover for about thirty seconds, Jo eagerly turns it over to read the synopsis and I look away when she does. Her eyes soften and she looks up at me. I roll my eyes. She cracks a soft smile and I can tell that she's fighting back tears. She flips the book back over and opens up the front cover. She was keeping it together but after she reads the very first page in the book, she starts crying. I wipe her tears and look at the page with her. Even though I already know what it says, I read it again.

_For Josephine, my forever, my always &amp;_

_the best teacher of all, who taught me that love is a journey &amp; everyone has someone they're meant to be with, in the end._

* * *

**A/N:** I told you guys that I would let you vote on which story you want to be written next. I want to tell you guys the prompts in this chapter so I don't take anything away from next chapter, because next chapter is going to be simply beautiful. I don't want to give away too much information in the choices you guys have because that would ruin the fun of the story. So here are the choices:

A story about Alex &amp; Jo both having different tragedies in their lives and those tragedies will bring them together. The two of them are basically going through the same thing but are totally strangers, but connect whenever they discover that they have similarities. The tragedies they go through have left them both very vulnerable and afraid to love again.

A story about Jo already having a daughter when she comes to work at GSM and how that would affect her relationships and stuff.

A story about Alex and Jo being foster kids together and meeting up again in college.

Please pick which one you would like me to write about. The winner will be the subject of my next story! :)


	70. In The End

**A/N:** As of right now, it's looking like prompt one is winning with 9 votes. prompt two has 7 and prompt three has 8.

* * *

"Never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually happy to be back home." Since he actually let me carry the baby out of the car, he walks ahead of me and opens up the front door so I won't have to worry about it. He's still carrying the car seat, but I took the baby out of his seat and I'm carrying him. He's laying asleep on my chest. He fussed for two of the three hours of the plane ride home and I'm guessing all his crying tired him out because he's been asleep ever since I fed him on the plane. At first, he wouldn't take his milk from my breast so I tried to give it to him from a bottle and he still wouldn't. But I know Alex's cries and I knew that he was doing his "I'm hungry" cry so I took a break from trying to feed him, rocked him to calm him down and tried again with the bottle and he took it. He fell asleep and has been asleep since. "I actually missed Vade...didn't you?" He holds the door open for me and steps aside.

"Of course I missed Vady baby." I rest my arm underneath Alex's butt and step into the house. As soon as I step in, Vader comes barreling toward me and instead of barking like he usually does when me and Alex come back from places like the grocery store, he's crying. I think that means that he missed us. "Hi Vady!" I free up one of my hands by bracing Alex against my chest and rub between his ears. "Vady! We missed you!" I scratch between his ears like he loves it and he closes his eyes and still cries. We had both Steph and Alex's friend Greg come over to check on him periodically for the three days we were gone. We didn't want to put him in a kennel because we thought that he would be more comfortable if he was home. So Steph and Greg used the spare key we keep under the rock on the porch to come over every so often to refill his food bowl, give him water and let him outside. "Were you a good boy when we were gone, Vade?" I move to brace Alex tighter against my body since he's slipping, but Vader thinks that I'm telling him to jump up on me. So he jumps up, and since he's a pretty big dog, his paws can reach my chest and one of his obscenely long nails ends up scratching my baby's little arm. I gasp. "No, Vade...get down!" I point to the floor and as soon as his big paws touch down on the ground, Alex's face cracks up and he starts to wail.

"Vader!" Big Alex grabs the shoe he just took off his foot and whacks Vader in the back with it, and Vader yelps.

"Alex, don't! He didn't know!" I put my hand up to stop him from hitting Vader again, because he raised his hand with the shoe in it and started forward to lay another hit on him. "He thought I was motioning for him to jump up...and he missed us. He didn't do it on purpose." I talk over the loud screaming from my son. "He didn't mean to it."

"Well he shouldn't have been jumping up on you anyway. He knows better than to jump up on people. We tell him not to all the time." He drops the shoe he hit the dog with and reaches forward. "Come here, buddy..." He takes Alex off of me and turns his arm to look at it. Vader didn't break skin, he just left a pretty nasty welt. "You're okay, bud." He leans down and puts his lips against the welt. He starts patting the baby's butt to get him to calm down because the baby really is screaming pretty hard. "I'm serious, Jo. If Vader doesn't get it together, he has to go. We can't have him scratching on the baby. He already growled at him."

"Alex, stop acting like he intentionally scratched the baby." I kneel down and rub the part of Vader's back that Alex hit. "You know I'll be the first one to swat Vader when he does something wrong when it comes to the baby, and you know I'll be the first one to tell him to go lie down. I don't want him to hurt my baby. But it really wasn't his fault. Stop being mean to him." I kiss the top of Vader's head. "It's okay, Vade. I know you're sorry."

"He shouldn't be jumping up anyway. How many times have we told him about it though, babe?" He finally got Alex to calm down by shoving a pacifier in his mouth. "What about when Alex starts crawling and walking? What if he starts jumping up on him? He has to chill out with that. Look at his arm." He holds the baby's arm up for me to see it.

"Baby, stop. Okay? Stop. Vader didn't know, he's sorry and the baby is fine." I stand up straight and grab my baby's hand. His eyes are open and he's staring up at his dad while he's sucking his pacifier. His pretty hazel eyes have tears in them and his cheeks are wet. "That was a mean doggy, huh chunky?" I kiss his hand and tickle his cheek. "Mean doggy?" I'm just trying to get him to smile. I still know that it's not Vader's fault. "Say screw that doggy, right?" I tickle his cheek a little faster. "Screw that doggy, handsome." He smiles through his pacifier and coos at me. "There's mommy's smile...there is." I kiss his salty little cheek. "Mommy's baby's so handsome." I kiss his pacifier. "He did pretty good with everybody, didn't he?" I look up at Alex. "He wasn't fussy or cranky."

"I thought my mom was gonna be the worst but Amber took the cake." He mumbles. "Thought I was gonna have to pry him outta her arms." He strokes the red welt on the baby's arm and gazes down into his eyes. "...He is pretty cute, isn't he?" He holds Alex's hand. "A little fat, but still cute. You know Amber asked me if I loved him?"

"Huh?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Yep." He nods and traces the baby's tiny fingers with his index finger. "She asked me if I loved him. I didn't really know how to respond." I tilt my head and watch him interact with his son. It's easy to see just how much Alex _does _love him. He looks at him with such awe in his eyes and he treats him like he's too precious for a lot of things. I know for sure Alex loves him. "You do know that you and him are everything to me, right? You know that?" I nod my head. "Good. 'Cause I don't know what I'd be..without you guys."

"Well, let's see...without me, you'd be...living in California, retired from writing and lonely. Shoulda just let me walk away that night in Nebraska. Or you should've just let me burn to death...whichever works." I shrug my shoulders and smile at him.

"Shut up, Jo. You're such a loser." He rolls his eyes at me and laughs. "You'd be dead by now if it wasn't for me. You would've either burned to death or died of starvation. Face it, I saved your life. Twice."

"You would be in JAIL if it wasn't for me! Mr. Destroy Hotel Property! If I didn't wake up and save your ass, you'd be so far in jail!" I nudge him with my elbow and laugh some more. "You're so lucky to have me."

"...I am lucky to have you." He admits and kisses my cheek. "Now take him...I'm gonna go take a shower and reply to some of these emails." He's talking about his fan mail. He never gives out his address for his fans to contact him but he does give out his email and he has A LOT of emails from his fans, concerning his latest book...the one he dedicated to me. I laid into his ass on the plane about replying to his fan mail. I was bored and I had his phone so I was going through his emails and I saw that his fans have been writing to him like CRAZY. He didn't reply to any of them and I yelled at him for it. He should really reply for his fans. They're the reason our bills get paid.

I take Alex out of his arms and put him over my shoulder. "It's getting late. I'm gonna feed him and put him to bed, since he got his bath this morning." He had a pretty bad poop explosion this morning, before we left Kansas. Alex's stepfather was holding him while he slept and all of a sudden, he felt something warm against his arm. He picked Alex up to see what it was and it was poop. He pooped all over the place. It seeped out the side of his diaper, got on his grandpa, got it everywhere. His shorts were pooped out, his back was pooped out and his onesie was pooped out. Alex and I put him in the sink and gave him the best bath of his little life. That was by far the grossest moment I've had with him thus far. Alex had to walk away for a moment because he was gagging. It truly was disgusting. But he hasn't pooped since. "And thank you...for listening to me and replying to your mail."

"No problem, babe." He climbs up the stairs and disappears from my sight.

"...Let's go to daddy's office for a minute, buddy." I whisper to him and kiss his head. He's still awake and he's cooing softly in my ear. I rest my hand in the middle of his back and cradle him. He really is the most precious thing I've ever had my hands on. I love him so much. When I look at him sometimes, I just forget all about what we had to go through to get him. I forget all about the tears and the fertility treatments and about the endless nights I cried myself to sleep. He's just so precious that none of that matters. And when he wakes me up in the middle of the night, I do get annoyed. When my nipples hurt from nursing him all the time, I sometimes curse about it. But those are the moments that I DO think about everything I went through to get him. I think about all the shit—yes, the SHIT—I had to put myself through in order to be able to nurse him and wake up with him and I don't mind it. When I think about how badly I wanted him and how hard it was to get him, I don't care so much about being annoyed with waking up and irritable because my nipples hurt. I'm glad to have him. Motherhood isn't exactly what I expected it to be when I was stabbing myself in the ass with fertility drugs. It's a hell of a lot better than I expected it to be. I can't wait until he starts calling me "mommy" though.

I twist the knob and open the door to Alex's office with my free hand. It's been a while since I've been in here. The last time I can recall being in here was back when we were still struggling to have a baby. I came home to tell him about my day of work. That's the last time I remember being in here. I don't come in here much. It's Alex's private space and it's the only place in the house where he's ever completely alone, so I try to respect that. I stand next to the door and look around to see where I should start searching. I know it's in here somewhere. It has to be. I secure Alex's body against my shoulder and go deeper into the office. I look around his laptop and see nothing. On his desk is just his laptop, a bunch of loose papers, pictures of me and a picture of Alex when he was still in the hospital. I go over to his bookshelf and look through the many books he has. I search for the light blue cover. "Where is it?" I mumble to myself. I know he has to have at least one copy in here. He has to.

He didn't tell me that it was published. He didn't let me know that it was published, he didn't let me know that it went #1 on the Bestselling List. He didn't even let me know that he dedicated it to me. I know that book dedications aren't always a big deal but to me, it is. Alex has never in his writing career ever dedicated a book to anyone. All his books are just written. He doesn't do acknowledgments or dedications. But the first book he ever dedicated to anyone, he dedicates it to me? That's a big deal to me. And to see what it's about...that's an even bigger deal. "I knew it." I whisper once I find the light blue cover because I think Alex might be asleep on my shoulder. I take the book out of the bookcase and look at it to make sure it's what I wanted. It is. I tuck it underneath my arm and close the door when I leave out of his office. I'll put the baby to sleep and I'll start reading it when he's sleeping.

I climb up the stairs and round the corner to go straight into his nursery. I put the book down on the seat of the rocking chair and take Alex over to the changing table. I lay him down on it and take off his pants. He's actually not asleep, he was just being quiet. "Were you being quiet, pumpkin? Were you being quiet for mama?" I unbutton his onesie and gently pull it over his head. He coos at me again and kicks his legs. "Are you hungry, pumpkin?" I take off his diaper and throw it down into the Diaper Genie machine we keep next to the changing table. I'm relatively unsurprised to see that he has an erection when I take his diaper off. He always has one. It means he's getting ready to pee on me. I grab one single wipe out of the wipe warmer and drape it over his penis so he won't pee on me, because when he has an erection, it ALWAYS means he's going to pee on me. "No peein' on me today, got it dude?" One time, he peed on me. But it was weird because I saw it come out so I just sat there and accepted the fact that he was doing to pee on me. But when we was done, I didn't have any pee on me at all. My shirt was dry. So I felt my hair and it turns out that his pee went up and all the way down my back. It takes talent to pee past my face and all the way down to my back. Alex caught some pee in his mouth once. He brushed his teeth for an hour straight.

I take the wipe off his penis to see if he's done peeing. His little thing is soft again so yeah, he's done. I throw the soaking wet wipe away too and grab another one to wipe him with. I wipe his stuff off and strap another diaper around his waist. "All done, baby!" I bend down and kiss his lips. "Let's get some jammies." I leave him on the changing table and go over to his dresser. I grab a thin green onesie and a pair of socks. "We're gonna eat eat and go night night...okay?" I button the onesie between his legs and stick the socks on his feet. I pick him right back up and carry him over to the rocking chair. I pick the book up so I don't sit on it and turn on the little lamp next to the chair. I put the book on the stand that the lamp is on and sit down in the chair with him. "Let's get your belly full so we can go night night." I kiss his forehead and cradle him like a football. With my free hand, I lift my shirt up and pull my right breast out for him. I don't even have to make him open his mouth like I usually do, this time he finds my nipple with ease and opens his mouth up. I help him latch on and he starts eating. He rests his hand on my chest as usual and closes his eyes. "There we go..."

Careful not to disturb him, I reach over and pick the book up. I hold it in front of my face and stare at the cover.

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

I flop down onto me and Jo's bed and reach over on her side to grab her laptop off the nightstand. I don't feel like going downstairs to my office to grab my own laptop so I'll just use hers. I open it up and turn it on. Strange as it is to say it, I really did miss being home. I rarely ever get homesick and quiet as kept, I had a nice time in Kansas. But for some reason, I really missed being home. I missed Vader, I missed being in my own bed, I missed being home with my wife and I missed not having to share my son with a bunch of people. I log onto my email and start scrolling through the many messages I have. Sometimes I hate how persuasive Jo is. I was perfectly fine with never answering fan mail and remaining mysterious but on the plane, Jo went on and on and on about how my fans are the reason we can ride around in nice cars and live comfortably in a nice house with our son. And she convinced me to reply to some—not all—but some of the emails I've gotten. I open a random email up and read through it.

_Michael,_

_I am currently on chapter 7 of your new novel and I am totally hooked! What an excellent way to come back from a five year hiatus. You have no idea how much I missed reading your novels, they are my guilty pleasure. I was just wondering if you will no longer write science fiction since your new novel seems to be strictly romance? Anyway, thank you for sharing your brilliant imagination with us!_

_-Emma C, from Wilmington, North Carolina_

One of the reasons I never wanted to reply to fan mail is because I never know what to say. Seriously, what do you say to that? Thank you is too generic. Thank you doesn't cover enough. I always read these things. I've always read my fan mail and even though I'm not much of an emotional kind of guy, it does mean a lot to me that people read my stuff and they like it. And I am quite thankful for all the fans. But I never know what to say, because thank you is never enough. I sigh and put the laptop down on the bed next to me. I pick up the remote and file through the channels. Jo has really changed me. She's changed me for the better though. I wholeheartedly believe that I'm a better man because of her. I turn on a basketball game and put the remote down too. I stare blankly, deep in thought.

I used to be scared that I would forget everything that me and Jo stand for. I was scared that as I got older, the memories would fade and I would eventually forget how far we came. I didn't want to forget the shop she used to work in and the way that burned down. I didn't want to forget how I stepped on her thong and offered to buy her lunch when I saw that her fridge was empty. I didn't want to forget how she threatened to walk away from me in the middle of Nebraska at 4:30 in the morning. Or how she drank my milkshake and I put whipped cream on her face when she did it. I didn't want to forget how she threw up when I kissed her, got jealous when I took her to my mom's house for the first time and came in the bathroom while I was peeing. How she made sex noises while jumping on the bed before we had sex for the first time. I didn't even want to forget the arguments. Like the time after we had sex and I left her in the hotel room alone and came back and she was gone. All the trips to amusement parks, fancy restaurants, Big Surf Waterpark and the malls. How she cried on our first Fourth of July together because the fireworks frightened her.

I open up the nightstand on my side of the bed and rummage through it for one of the copies of my book that I stashed in there to keep away from Jo. The other copy is down in my office but it's safe there because Jo doesn't go in there much. I didn't really want her to read this because I hate seeming vulnerable and that's exactly what this book is. This book is me being vulnerable and putting my entire heart out there for the world to see. But it's okay if the world sees my vulnerability because they don't know that Alex Karev is Michael Evans. It's anonymous. I just didn't want my wife to see it. But I don't think I care anymore. I hold the book in my hands and just look at it. The cover turned out really nice. So nice that I gave my cover artist an extra $5,000 bonus. I told him that I wanted it to be a road, since basically, a road sums up exactly what the book is about. But he made it so much better than that. I turn it over to read the synopsis, as I've read it a million times before. You see, I didn't want to forget anything that molded me and Jo's relationship into what it is today...and that's why I wrote this book.

I stick the book back in the nightstand and get up off the bed. I'm going to go ask Jo if she knows what to say back to Emma C from Wilmington, North Carolina. She's in the nursery putting our son—our beautiful son—to bed. I go straight to the nursery and stop in my tracks at the door when I see the two of them. I don't want them to stop doing what they're doing. I want them to keep going. So quietly, I rest my head against the door frame and just watch them.

Jo's rocking back in forth in the rocking chair and Alex is eating from her breast. She's holding a copy of my book in her hand and she's quietly reading the book to our son. This scene is so precious that I can't be mad. Seeing my wife—the most amazing woman to have ever come into my life, the woman that showed me everything I know about love and family—holding our most precious little boy in her arms and reading my book to him makes my throat close up. I have to purse my lips and deal with the fact that I'm going to shed a tear or two.

* * *

**Jo's Point of View.**

Careful not to disturb Alex, who is peacefully feeding from my breast, I reach over on the stand that the lamp is on and pick up the book. I stare at the cover for a few seconds before I glance up at the doorway, just to make sure Alex isn't standing there. He's not, so I go back to looking at the cover of the book. It's entire book is light blue but on the front cover, there's a road. A black paved road with white dashed traffic lines down the middle. The road disappears into the horizon of the bright blue sky, with a few clouds in it. Across the top, it says, "New York Times Bestselling Author: Michael Evans". There are evergreen trees that line each side of the road but on the right side, there's a small clearing with a green road sign occupying the empty space. On the road sign, it boasts the title of the book, "In The End." I turn the book over to reread the synopsis. I read it silently to myself. "Joseph is a successful, wealthy, yet unhappy businessman, with a hardened exterior, who has readily given up on ever finding love. Alexandra is a beautiful young woman, working tirelessly to put herself through Harvard Medical School. When tragedy strikes, the two are forced to spend time together, with no one else to lean on for support. While traveling to make better lives for themselves, the pair will find that true love will find you...when you are least expecting it." I fight off a tear after reading that last sentence because it sums us up, so, so well.

"You wanna hear a story, baby? It's a good one." I look down and stroke my son's hair forward. "We can read a chapter a night...what do you say?" I turn the book back over and open it up. I skip past the beautiful dedication and stare at the title page for a second. _In The End by Michael Evans. _I gingerly turn the page and swallow, to lubricate my throat as I begin to read to my baby. "Chapter one." I start. "Alexandra sighed, leaning against the run-down cash register and patiently waiting for a customer that would probably never come. She wondered why her boss continued to run this place, because she knew that business had to be slow. She worked here every day for the past six months and she could count on one hand how many different customers had come in during that time. She tossed her long, beautiful brunette hair out of her way and inhaled the musty scent of the old hardware shop." Alex has stopped eating and is now fast asleep, but I don't stop reading to him. "The shop smelled heavily of sawdust and turpentine, though she couldn't figure out why, since nobody ever did construction work within the parameters of the store since she had been there. She contemplated every day about quitting but when faced with the decision, she always decided against it. She realized that although she hated her boss, she needed the money if she was ever going to come up with the money to pay her deposit to Harvard."

I turn the page...

* * *

**Alex's Point of View.**

"She had already been accepted into Harvard Medical School and through she grew up here in Iowa, she knew all along that her true home was in Massachusetts..." I listen to Jo's soft, soothing voice as she continues to read to our son. I start to walk into the nursery to sit down on the floor next to her, to listen to her while she reads but on a second thought, I decide not to. I standby in the doorway of the nursery and listen from there, where I can watch the two most important people of my life.

Jo changed me. I'm not the same man that I was six years ago. I'm not the man that thinks women are dogs. The man that would take a random girl from the bar in the backseat of my car and have my way with her. I'm not that coldhearted bastard that thought it was funny to see a 23 year old brunette break down in tears in front of me. No, that's not the same Alex. This Alex puts his wife on a pedestal. I would rather die than see anything bad happen to her and I treat her as if she's a queen because to me, that's exactly what she is. I cringe at the thought of cheating on Jo because that's not even an option anymore. I'm not afraid to love her with all my heart. Lucy who? I don't think it's funny to see her cry. Instead, if I see her crying, I wonder who's ass I'm going to have to kick for making her cry. And my son...my son, who means more to me than anything else in this world. The most beautiful boy on this Earth, I'm sure of it.

Who knew that the little brunette that worked in my dad's store would be the one that I will spend the rest of my life with? Who knew that she would be the one to give me my beautiful son, be the one that I would marry, be the one that would change me? Who knew she'd be my best teacher? The one that taught me that you don't have to be looking for true love, true love will find you. She taught me how to love again. She taught me how to love strongly, too. She was the best teacher...and she continues to teach me many things.

I listen to the creaking of the rocking chair and the silent whisper of her lips moving as she's reading my story to our son. I was never one for a journey. I was never much for surprises and journeys and things that are uncertain. But when Jo came along, our entire relationship was a surprise to me. And it was journey...and I wasn't sure if she'd be the one that changed everything for me. But she was. And I became a man that's up for the challenge of a journey. I don't mind surprises and the things that are uncertain in life are the best things, because the only thing that is certain in life is death. I don't mind the scary things anymore, like forgetting. Because I'm living in the moment with my wife and my son and a better relationship with my family. I'm living in the moment.

And life... is so much better that way.


End file.
